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lesbianelsas · 2 years

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So I tried Better Things 2 years ago, but the weird racism with the grandma and Lenny Kravitz’s character and the weirdness about poc in general was like. A lot. So I didn’t continue but your posts made me want to give it another try and I love Pamela Aldons voice sm lol. I’m on s3 and I’m really loving it. Shows about ‘nothing’ especially from women’s pov are so underrated. I’m a huge fan of just talking, just because and I love that so many episodes are just ‘ok we’re gonna talk in the car/bedroom/living room/beach now’ like hell yeah! Sam is my fave though like I get that her kids are Like That on purpose(also being a teenage girl is rough ik)and it’s all a bit extra for tv but they grate on my nerves; I am hoping for a little chills as they grow up. Anyway this show is so witty and clever and well acted(like actual acting not like over/under emoting CW shit yk) so thanks for pushing me to try it again :)

EDIT: I started writing this reply earlier and then I found myself growing more lyrical (just like the show!) every time I came back to it lol. I didn’t wanna bother with being concise because on tumblr We Are Free, so I’m sorry this got so long and that I made you wait that long too, lol! I was very happy to receive your message and I’m super pleased that you rediscovered the show and my 5 note gifsets! :)

EDIT 2: There might be slight “spoilers” in this, but then again it’s hardly a show that can be spoiled or relies on surprising twists. But I wanted to cover my bases regardless :p

But gosh you are right about the grandma racism etc - I have to admit I completely forgot about it before now, but your message vaguely makes me remember a plot like that indeed. That said, I still have absolutely zero recollection of Lenny Kravitz being ever on the show omg - my mind is a void! I suppose it has been 5 years, omg, time flies.

I looked up the description of the episodes to remember it further, and I assume you mean this specific episode?

Lol, I gotta say, it doesn't surprise me that that particular episode was one that was written by Louis CK, back when he was still involved. Of course that doesn't absolve the show or Pamela Adlon from any potential criticism about the way people of color are written or engaged with, especially further on, but, you know. He is a fucking weirdo. And I'm glad the series continued solely under her vision & supervision. Adlon has briefly talked about how massive the change has been, particularly from s2 to s3. I haven't quite watched the show with too much of a critical eye though, and of course my own whiteness hardly makes me the best judge. All that to say, I hope I haven't uncritically forgotten about any other weirdness!

But yeah I do love the show, and I love Adlon's voice. Better Things has such a kind approach when it comes to the ebb and flow of life and the infinite complexity of human beings. Maybe the good faith that inspires also influenced me to regard the show with that same good faith. Because when you watch it, you come away with this appreciation for life; life has good and bad, and life goes on, and life is funny. Part of that is due to how observational it is, I think. The pov is very grounded in Sam as a character, but her overall attitude is very laissez-faire, non-controlling. Going either "eh?" or "heh" as a coping mechanism for life's ups and downs. Sometimes wry, but in a caring way, never melodramatic, but also never cynical or dismissive. I've heard other people say that it contributes to making the show feel distinctly Jewish too, in tone - smarter people than me (more Jewish people than me :p) will be able to elaborate on that.

A while back, I described it as a cinematic gaze that is insistingly non-judgmental and patient. I think that also results in success when it comes to balancing the teenage kids' tantrums and their continuous growth. The kids get to be impossibly and painfully rude to their mom, like you said - but I felt that was more resonant than grating, precisely because the show portrays their lives in such a holistic way. What I mean is: there is a lot of love (or at least humanity) stored in seemingly random, but pointedly chosen uneventful moments, and that acts like a buffer for anything painful that happens, in a way. (Though, about the kids being rude - look forward to a show-stopping scene in season 5 that is gonna be incredibly satisfying.) There is a sort of love and connection that is formed just by being part of each other’s lives, right, even if a lot of what’s on the surface is conflict & miscommunication & strife. One might say that is a cynical view on family, but I also think it’s an inevitably loving one. So yeah, sometimes those kids behave like monsters and 3 minutes later they're hugging their mom and asking what's for dinner and there's just never any time to really have a resolution for any of it, because then the next day begins and people have to go to school or hang out with friends or go to work. “Life is what happens to you when you’re too busy to make any other plans". In that same regard, there is a bemused tranquility to the way agitation & frantic moments in the show just... fizzle out. Not because it’s unimportant, but because it is just part of the jazzy rhythm of daily life. Trading fondly between jarring imperfections and notes of harmony. And that approach genuinely neutralizes the pressure or shame that often feels like a constant companion when you're in the middle of life. There’s sometimes a lot of insight & connection buried under those attention-stealing emotions, and space for magical realism in the beyond. It all makes me look back on my own life, and think about my mom, and her mom, in a very soothed accepting way.

I feel like and "I want to elevate the mundane" are guiding lines for that directing & writing style. The scenes we see are almost always the hearty middles or in-betweens of a usual narrative, without introductions or feeling the need to explain what's going on, without wanting to put anything in a comprehensible arc. Life happens when you're in the middle of making chicken stock, too. But more on that later.

A lot of things happen, but the show resists the idea to assign /meaning/ to it, one way or another. Frankie can choose a dress at some point and a tux at another point and have sex with a boy at one point and flirt with a girl at another point and we won't be able to predict where that takes the character - it could mean anything or nothing but it matters all the same, it has value all the same - we'll just have to see what happens, and Sam lets it happen. Just like real life doesn’t have a "narrative" that retroactively makes a carefully curated series of experiences feel significant one way or the other. Some experiences will be evidence for a crucial revelation or decision later in life, and others were just dust in the wind - yet just as much part of life, and what makes a person whole, and a life rich. It’s not dead weight, it’s all alive, and that translates to how organic character “arcs” on the show feel. They make sense retroactively, but it rarely feels like it’s build up in a forward thinking way, which is unlike the way storytelling usually feels (for the record, that has its value and appeal too). It's just genius how this show has been able to capture that.

As for the acting & directing, it's incredible right? A friend of mine asked me a while back whether it was all improvised, because it felt so authentic and natural. And then I found this beautiful interview answer by Adlon:

DEADLINE: People saw so much of you in Sam Fox — and not just because you co-created the show, but from the parallels to your own career, your own family and more. But this was no reality show, it was tightly scripted …

ADLON: It is carefully scripted and down to the last detail, and everything is decided beforehand. But the thing that happens is, on the day, I will be in the restaurant or something shooting the scene, right, and I’ll look at the waiter. And I’ll be like, “Where are you from originally?” And he’ll be like, “Turkey.” And I’m like, “Did your mother ever sing you a lullaby when you were a little boy?” He says yes, and I say, “What was it?” and then he sings it for me. And then all of a sudden, I’ve upgraded this guy. My line producers are scratching their head, and we’ve just enhanced the scene. It’s a very fluid, organic, moving thing. It’s got a pulse. (via)

And yeah, while the variety of media is improving a lot, you still don't often see stories from the pov of menopause-age women (creatively & as the star) who also get to, you know, talk about menopause. Go /through/ it, “start” to “finish”, without it being an arc. Just, part of life. Casually, in between cooking, and driving around, and work, and children, and awkward moments, and connecting with friends, and life. Speaking of cooking, I liked this reflection on the importance of cooking in the show:

“Whether she’s making borscht or chicken or a margarita, Sam’s attention to process and detail is sharp. She prepares sustenance and libations as an act of love, a form of comfort, a way to bring people together, an attention to self. And no matter what she’s making or who she’s making it for, the show lets us watch. What would seem unimportant on most shows becomes the focus. Her labor, her time, as a mom, as a person, is valued by her camera. It’s a cooking show where we’re all the winner because we get to witness something so simple and so human. [...] Sam’s relationship to food and to her children holds the same care, the same attention to detail, the same love of life, that she brings to all her interactions. It’s a sardonic tenderness. A feeling that this person is plenty aware of the fucked up-ness of the world and has decided to lead with pleasure and kindness anyway.” (via)

And like, you are right, that there's something about appreciating the "slice of life" of not just young people, or men. There is an intense humanizing power in the pov chosen for that, in the agency and interiority that comes with that. And while a lot of people would fairly argue that white women's pov is hardly underrepresented on tv these days, there is still a lot of taboo surrounding the concept of women... aging. And therefore imo there is a severe need to humanize that, but not in a pitying way, but in a way that exudes vitality, instead.

I'm reminded of this thread, a story told by actress Claudia Black, about how actor James McAvoy unexpectedly made her feel seen & appreciated, in her craft. She talked about how life can get awfully small for single moms - about feeling invisible, as a woman nearing 50. And it's interesting, because she said that while the "minutiae of life" can be adorable and parenthood fulfilling in its own way, the key point of her thread was that she also really struggled with... waning ambition & dreams & pride, as a consequence of aging, and perhaps the priorities demanded by motherhood - her life becoming "small". And that is often a distinctly female experience! Because we live in a society, lol, and work is still considered a male responsibility, while domesticity a female responsibility. I don't mean to romanticize work to contrast my point (because that can also be deafening and suffocating), but there is a specific... sacrificial smallness to domesticity that can make some women feel like their footprint in life /narrows/ gradually as life goes on, like their /value/ pales as they age. Or society treats them that way, even when they don’t think of it that way.

And it's interesting to think about how "Better Things" as a show... somehow... combined those two things. On the one hand, it is a show that embraces the ebb and flow of life, meandering mundanity, the beauty of the little things, from the pov of a near-50 woman. Smallness can feel very big when you highlight serendipitous moments of human connection. Not to mention, the show’s final season focuses a little bit on how empty-nest-syndrome might affect Sam, as her children grow into tiny adults - and that feels like it speaks specifically to the issue I mentioned above. That a lot of mothers’ lives inevitably become about their children and that a lot of these women are suddenly confronted with parenthood has impacted their existential footprint. The choice to end the show on Sam’s solo happiness, as her “village” sings in the background, is therefore really powerful, I think. On the other hand, the show is also a showcase of CRAFT, craft of storytelling, craft of directing, /by/ a woman of 50. Pamela Adlon created all this, turned her voice and life into art. So there is this dual layer of appreciation and admiration. It's like the summum of body of life and her body of work - for now. And the rest is a meteor shower.

TLDR;

"Meandering but structurally complex in deceptive ways; deeply tied to the singular point of view of its star and creator; willing to unflinchingly center aging women, invisibilities literal and figurative. Will there ever be another show so unburdened by plot and premise as Better Things?[...] Adlon’s writing and direction—she’s directed every episode since the second season of the show—are, as much as anything, an act of curation. Each character, each plot point, each set piece, each LA space are like beloved objects strewn about Sam’s home, and as the show accumulates them, they belong to us viewers as well. To shriek in delight when a bit character from seasons earlier walks through the frame, to audibly gasp when a statue at the top of Sam’s staircase breaks—to watch Better Things is to live with these people. The show has a hoarder’s sense of narrative value. Nothing is unimportant, everything matters." (via)

Lol, I think this answer must contain the word “life” like 500 times. If you made it this far, thank you, and thank you for giving me an excuse to ramble mwhahhahahaha. One of my fave shows of all timeeeeeee

#askbox #:)#i haven't reread this so if there's an unfinished sentence in there #welcome to my stream of consciousness

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