#and tbey went way too far but like

[gomustanggirl16]

What's your favorite scene that you've written for With Love From The Hastings

I have no idea when you sent this or why I haven’t answered before, but so far my favorite is a scene is a tie between two I actually never used. And have been waiting and trying to integrate for over a year now, but unfortunately tbey just never fit. The first was supposed to take place a little bit after the first hospital visit and I ultimately decided not to use it because I took the chapter in a different route and the second takes place in Chapter 13 right before Sharon shows up. I didn’t end up using it because it was an early draft that took place in a happier setting and was before I decided to have Nat find out Steve was reporting back to Fury on her. I also thought I lost them due to the Great Deletion of 2018, but I didn’t! So that being said here they are:

“HeyNat?” Steve said getting Natasha’s attention.

“Yeah?”Natasha looked up giving him her attention.

“CanI ask you something?” Natasha smirked.

“Technicallyyou already have. Twice.” Steve rolled his eyes and she kicked his leg with herfoot playfully. “What is it?”

Stevehesitated a moment trying to find the right words, like he wasn’t sure heshould be asking what he was about to ask.

“Yousaid before the start of all this, before we agreed to take it on that younever really planned on having kids. Why? I mean I think I know why anyone inthis business wouldn’t want to, but still.”

Thatcaught her off guard. Why wasn’t she interested in having kids of her own? Wellbesides having that option taken from her? Her entire life is reason enough.

“I’msorry, I shouldn’t have asked, it’s just-and no I’m not being stereotypical,but the girls really take to you and I don’t know maybe I’m just trying tofigure it out for myself to.”

Natashasighed setting aside her tablet.

“Well,besides the job? I’ve got a ledger full of red and a long line of people who’dlove nothing more than to watch me suffer. It just seems selfish and cruel toput a child in their line of sight like that all because they came from me.Besides, I wouldn’t even know what to do with myself.” Simple, neat, andstraight to the point. Steve nodded.

“Yeah,you got a point there, but you seem to be finding plenty to do.” Natasha smiledshaking her head.

“Becauseit’s a mission directive. It’s an order. To actually want this on my own? Noone giving orders, creating this life myself?” She shook her head. “It’s awhole lot different.”

“Youknow for someone who calls themselves a spy, you talk a lot like a soldier.”

“GuessI’m a bit of both.” Natasha returned, “My turn, why don’t you ever go out onthose dates? I mean I know you had someone back then, but not even one just totry? So, what if it doesn’t turn out to be more at least you put yourself outthere and maybe gained a friend.”

Stevesighed taking a sip of his beer.

“Yes,that’s all true, but the thing you gotta understand Nat, is that for me? Iremember hitting the ice, I remember losing consciousness and it was just likeI blinked and suddenly I’m waking up at SHIELD. Two, maybe three minutes tops,was what it felt like for me. Not seventy years. It felt like I closed my eyes,I’m not fully asleep, but almost and what was meant to be a short half hour napturns into twelve hours. Some days I still have trouble comprehending it all.Afraid that I’ll wake up back there and learn this was the dream. Trust me,I’ve thought about it, but I feel like I should have it more together before tryingto start something like that.”

“That’sfair, I guess,” Natasha never realized how jarring waking up really must havebeen for him. How haunting it must be. It’s an honest to god miracle he’s asstable as he is.

“Howabout you?” Natasha raised an eyebrow.

“Whatabout me?” Natasha countered.

“Idon’t think I’ve ever heard about you going out on a date once. For someonewho’s constantly trying to set me up, you seem to be lacking in that areayourself. Ow!” Steve laughed as she punched him the shoulder.

“Youknow it’s rude to ask a lady about her love life.”

“Iknow, but I was referring to you-hey!” Steve blocked her next punch that was alittle off thanks to her laughter.

“You’resuch an ass!”

“Stilldoesn’t answer my question.” Natasha groaned sitting back again.

“Wellif you must know, I don’t really do the whole dating thing. When your codenames the Black Widow it tends to scare people off. I’ve had a few one nightstands here and there in the past, but it was usually a quickie in a clubbathroom. Goes along with my earlier statement.”

Shecould tell she’d caught him off guard with her honesty, but it was true. Whenyou’ve spent your entire life seducing people into bed only to off them afterthey’ve given you what you want, having a real relationship just doesn’t feelright.

“Holdup! Are you telling me you’ve never in your life been out on a real date?”Natasha frowned.

“Really?Out of everything I just told you that’s what you get stuck on?” He shrugged,and she rolled her eyes. “Of course, I’ve been out on a date! More times thanI’d like to admit.”

“Thosewere all for a mission. You just said you don’t date.” Natasha’s mask falteredas she realized her slip up. Steve seemed to realize it too.

“Natasha…whenwas the last time you actually kissed someone? As you not the Widow, or for SHIELD.” Steve was challenging her, shecould see it.

Natashashifted in her seat trying to come up with something, anything. Well the last guy she kissed as herself was also the lastguy she fucked, which if she recalls was Clint’s farmhand Paul at Lila’schristening three-oh god.

“Okayso it’s been a little while.” Natasha said into her drink and Steve put hishand up to his ear.

“I’msorry I didn’t catch that.” Natasha mumbled into her drink again before Stevepulled it away and she huffed.

“Fine!Three years happy.” Steve’s eyes went wide, and she nearly smacked him again.

“Andyou’re the one questioning me about the last time I kissed someone?” She glareddaggers at him.

“Isuggest you sleep with one eye open tonight Rogers. You might wake up with someundesired damage done.”

“Oh,come on Nat…seriously though, when’s the last date? You don’t really strike meas an on the first date every time person.”

Natashatried to recall if she’d ever actually dated, but she couldn’t. She was raisedto be a weapon to make a life for herself.

“Ihaven’t.” Natasha answered timidly making Steve’s brow furrow in confusion.

“Youhaven’t what?”

“Haven’tbeen on a date.” Natasha huffed.

“Ever?”

“Never.”Natasha said, lips in a taught line and Steve’s expression fell. Natasha sighedrunning a hand through her hair.

“Alright,come on let’s have it. I’m sure you’ve got plenty to say.” Steve shook hishead.

“So,your first date was with a mark?”

Natashanodded.

“Firstkiss?”

Anothernod.

“First…”He couldn’t finish that one, but she nodded knowing what he was asking, unableto hold his gaze any longer.

Momentspassed as he watched her, and she felt like she was in front of a firing squad.No one, not even Clint had asked her about that, well besides the SHIELD shrinkshe’d been forced to see, but everyone else just didn’t think about it ordidn’t ask. She doesn’t remember pulling her legs up to hug herself, but shealmost felt like she couldn’t breathe.

“How…”

“Twelve,maybe thirteen.” Natasha responded in a whisper.

“Iwas gonna ask how long you worked for them, but…” Steve let out a harsh breathand she looked at him out of the corner of her eye. He was mad, no he waspissed.

“Pleasesay something.” He opened and closed his mouth a few times and she began toworry what he would think of her now. Would he look down on her? Sure, hedidn’t before, but clearly, he never anticipated for her to have gotten such anearly start. Would he be disgusted by her?

“Whatthe hell did they do just kidnap you up off the street?” Natasha looked back upat him, nodded and watched as his face fell completely. She watched theemotions flash in his eyes, horror, disgust, anguish, fury…

“God…Nat-”

“Don’t.”Natasha said cutting him off before he had the chance to give her the usualsentiments. He nodded leaning his elbows on his knees. Neither spoke for quitesome time not knowing what to say. She was still shocked at how easy it was forher to tell him those things. Then again, it’s easiest to keep a secret when noone wants to know.

“Thankyou.” Natasha frowned looking over to Steve.

“Forwhat?”

“Fortrusting me.” That shouldn’t have been as much of a relief as it was, but stillit made her feel a little lighter and she gave him a hint of a smile.

“Youhave no idea…”

#2

Lancaster was a little over an hour’s drive west of them, but the roads were open andtraffic minimal for a Saturday. All around them were tall oak and sycamoretrees with pine and maple mixed in painting a beautifully calm scenery. The airwas different, not stale like the city or stuffy, fresh and clean (besides theoccasional waft of manure). Everywhere you looked you could see for miles,large stretches of farm land and mountain ranges. Lexi would stretch pointingout the window at the many horse farms they passed excited by every single one.

She’d done some research last night looking at whatthey could do deciding to just spend the day. Steve was fine with it and whileyes, she could be mission focused, she loved just walking around the cities andstreets of the places she went when she could. You could tell a lot aboutpeople by the way they live. Either way she’d bought tickets for the StrasburgRail Road thinking maybe Lexi would like it and Steve though, she more or less wantedsomething to tease him about.

They arrived at the railroad and saw a few dozen otherfamilies walking around. She could feel Lexi bouncing in her car seat andlooked back to find her tugging at her seatbelt. They got out of the car andLexi looked around, jumping a bit at the sound of the trains whistle. Natashagrabbed Ellie from her seat and put her hat on before allowing Lexi to pull herforward because she absolutely knewwhere she was going or why.

“Open car?” Steve asked as they boarded the train andLexi hopped into the seat closest to the window. “You know that hats gonna flyright off, right?”

Natasha scowled.

“The hat stays on. It’s a steam train from themid-eighteen hundred, it’s barely moving faster than you drive.” Steve chuckledshaking his head as he sat down across from them.

At Natasha’s insistence, Lexi sat down as the trainstarted moving as she mimicked the sounds of the whistle laughing. Sure enough,Lexi stood up again and Natasha quickly grabbed her by the waist to keep herfrom falling out the window. Steve just raised an eyebrow and she knew he waswaiting for the damned hat to go flying.

“It’s not coming off.” Natasha repeated, and thebastard just smiled and returned to pointing at things for Ellie as she stoodup on his legs.

It was halfway through the trip that Lexi just sohappened to lean a little bit forward and the hat caught wind. Natasha snatchedit though quickly stuffing it next to her.

“Told you.” Steve smirked.

“It doesn’t count if you catch it.”

“It still came off her head.” Natasha glared sittingLexi on her lap to keep the girl from leaning more over the side.

“This was a good idea.”

Steve said later that day as they left the localfarmers market. It was hard to find good fruits and vegetables especiallyaround this time of year. Not to mention she found out that bargaining gets youeverywhere. A lot of the market consisting of Amish farmers who were more thanwilling to barter with you for a fair price.

So far, she’d found peaches, grapes, raspberries, mostgreens, eggplants she had plans to use tonight, gorgeous air loom tomatoes,along with ripe fresh ones she planned on canning with the peaches and pears,and a small basket of apples they’d gone and picked right off the treethemselves. Lexi had a lot of fun doing that as she sat on Steve’s shoulders toreach the best ones to put in the little basket the lady at the entrance handedher.

“Thank you.”

Steve chuckled.

“Your welcome, but I have to ask what on earth are youplanning on doing with all that?”

She considered her baskets and bags she’d brought tocarry everything.

“Canning, the late season finds and baby food for Ellie,maybe applesauce and were having Eggplant Parmesan for dinner.” Steve nodded inresponse and as they were about to leave, an older man stopped them.

“Might you guys like a photo before you go?”

“Yes.” Lexi answered for them and Steve looked up ather from where she still sat on his shoulders.

“Sure.” Natasha said pulling out her phone.

They stood against the backdrop of the farmers marketas she held Ellie and Steve slipped his arm around her waist. They all smiled,Lexi and Ellie’s cheeky.

“Such a beautiful family! One more, how ‘bout a kissfor your wife?” The man asked, and Natasha instinctively tilted her head up tomeet Steve’s lips.

He reacted almost instantly this time and her breath caught as he pulled her a littlecloser by the waist. It was slower this time and she was a little surprised tofind his lips moving with hers. It didn’t last long though as Natasha heardLexi giggle and parted from Steve’s lips as Lexi laughed for whatever reasontwo-year old’s laugh. She accepted her phone back from the man before theyheaded back to the car.

I have so many more, but these are the ones I remember the most XD I have fill in and all that, that I simply didn’t have time for or just didn’t fit in, and I hope to use some of it eventually, but most likely won’t. Anyways thanks for asking!

#the hastings #steve rogers #natasha romanoff #romanogers

[loudblonde]

The lasting emotional damage of child abuse

Trigger warning: mentions of rape, suicide, eating disorders, self harm and abuse. Plus start of alcoholism.

I'm in no way a psychologist or an expert on this. But I have first hand experience with emotional neglect, emotional manipulation, fear being used as a mean of manipulation, fearing a parents next move and just generally not being treated like a human being.

I cannot say that I have had the worst childhood and I know that. I'm thankful that I was never hit or sexually assaulted. But I was pretty much fucked up.

I'm still young, being only 16 years old. I've been away from my father for a little over a year. Having only seen him 5 times during this. One of these being alone.

I'm absolutely terrified when I think back to the apartment I used to live in. When I think about my father. I know that I have a lot to still work on with what happened.

My father was never one to hit if he didn't have too. He was never one to sexually assault people and in fact, he beat up someone who raped a girl he knew. I pretty much grew up with my father being my sole care giver. Having him take care of all my needs. Everything was fine until we moved in with my step mother. She's controlling, manipulative and just over all a bad person.

She and my father controlled my entire life for a little over 3 years. I had a schedule with everything I had to do. It wad written so that it had the time when we should start doing it and when our next task was. Sometimes we had multiple chores to do in that same hour. We were 3 kids. We had to clean up the entire house except the bathroom. Which we later had to clean as well.

I told them the sheduale made me extremely stressed out. I did not tell them I was hearing, seeing, feeling, tasting, smelling things that wasn't there and losing time because of multiple peraonalities. They had seen my self harm before and told me I was doing it for attention(even though my father self harmed as well when he was younger). They did nothing to help me.

I delt with eveytging myself and pretty much tried ended my life twice. Never succeeding. I kept begging my father to get me help but he kept dismissing it as I was trying to get attention. One day he promised me he would take me to a doctor because he saw my self harm continuing. Nothing big, just in the top layer of the skin. Away after 3 days to a week.

I got help, he found out I had tried to kill myself and I had a shit ton of these psychosis things. He started believing what I were saying. All my life he had told me I were normal and that there was nothing wrong with me. It turned out I had autism. I went into a psychiatric hospital to see if it was autism or skizofrenia. I got the psychosis symptoms when I'm severely stressed and under a lot to pressure to perform perfect.

At these point I had fled from my father house with none of my possions, up to my mother's house. Because my step mother was angry at me going out even though we had an agreement that I could go out for 12 to 16.

She had forgotten we had a deal that I could be gone for 4 hours. I even said I would do all my chores when I got home. I made that promise. She called me and I was thinking, she's probably just wondering where I am. I was 5 minutes late, I was 3 minutes from my door. Nothing unusual there. I answer the call and she's pissed at me. About to have a mental break down, I call my mum, crying violently. Telling her everything my step mother had said, asking if I could come live with it. It is worth saying that my mother and I, never had a good relationship. Not until about 4 weeks before that.

She knew of the entire thing that went on at home. How I was being threatened to be thrown out if I kept misbehaving, tbey didn't feed us properly. So, I stole food in order to get enough nutrients. It was wrong but I were really hungry. It is also worth saying i was skinny back then. Not unnaturally skinny. I looked like a good looking straight girl. I ran 5 km everyday. So it made sense with little to no food and running this much that I would be skinny.

I told how my father was trying to emotionally manipulate me into believing she was bad. By saying stuff like "I'm not going to shit talk your mum, but *insert something minor she does and a rant as to how it's bad for us kids to see*"

I hated living at home with my dad. We were 5 people in a 3 room apartment. We had 20 birds, fish, a snake, a cat, a dog and a bloody rabbit. Too many god damn animals.

I loved the animals and helped out with them. I did the excise and all my chores. At the expense of my mental health. I had extra homework because I "needed" it. But when I asked for help I was told I was big enough to figure it out myself. We had 1 hour of electronics time each day. Now I don't mind parents setting rules for electronic time. I think it's healthy to learn a child when they should be on it and when they shouldn't. The walls are pretty damn thin in this house. Me being a chronic insomniac teenager, made me sleep around 5 or 4 hours before waking up at 6 very morning to walk the dog. Sometimes even earlier.

I suffered from depression back then. Meaning I had a hard time getting out of bed. But if I didn't, I would get yelled at, break down crying and self harm/starve myself.

I weighed 78 kg. Which I were told was too much. It really isn't. I'm 173 cm and have a pretty solid build. Meaning I'm more robust and have bigger bones then most girls my age. Always had. I've never broken my arm even though I really should have on many many occasion. Only ever gotten a spiralled fracture on my right upper arm. So I have to weight from 72 to 78 kg. Which is pretty realistic. I was cosntaly being weighed, measured and told I was too fat. I was constantly being told that everything I ate would make me more fat and that I should get my head out of my arse and start losing weight. Which resulted in my eating problems. I don't really know how to classify it and every psychologist have dismissed this and never talked with me about it since my suicidal tendencies and autism was more important.

But I starved myself as much as I could possible do. I saw myself being as fat as I am now. I couldn't see how perfectly normal I was in weight. I would crash and steal granola bars from the cupboards, steal an apple and eat it or god forbid me in eating a single carrot. I would starve myself as much as I could before purging food. As much as I could. I feel worse after it.

I cannot control myself around sweets and nutella. I know it's all about self discipline but I have that about 1 week or 2 before I eat the sweets and stuff like that. Which is also why I don't go to town with extra money and only carry cash.

My step mum said and I quote "I do not wanna live under the same roof as a thief."

Which hurt me a lot. Yeah I know I was stealing food, because I was hungry and I was too afraid to ask for anything. Because every time I did, I would either being yelled at or told to go away.

Every time I tried to open up or come out of the closet. I was made fun off. My dad would use the things I've said in the few moments I trusted him, against me as he saw fit. He would make me break down crying and have the nerve to call me weak after that.

I still have major trust issues to this date when it comes to family. I can easily share things with strangers because tbey probably won't have to ever see you again. Which is a nice thought.

With my insomnia and fear. I was up way too much and woke up way too much. Had nightmares or no dreams at all. I was afraid of my own father, coming into my room during my sleep and that he would kill me. Because I know he would be 100% capable off it. If he truly snapped, then Ted Bundy would have nothing on him.

So still to this day, I have major issues with calling asleep before everyone else. I self medicine with alcohol. Which I'm trying not too do, but it's hard not too. It makes me fall asleep easier in the night. Makes me feel calm and not feel so scared about everything. I really hate it but it's during the job self harm used to do. I don't know what is worse, self harm or the alcohol.. But either way, I'm trying to stop. I'm 2 months clean from self harm. But I am still consuming alcohol in large amounts from time to time.

I still have major eating problems. Over eating or not eating at all.

I cannot sleep, before everyone else in the house is sleeping or have gone to bed.

So yeah, abuse can really fuck someone over. I know that I'm by far, not the worse case. I never saw my parents drink or do drugs in front of me. But I knew it was a part of childhood. I knew about it without knowing what it was.

I know a lot of people won't even make it to here. But I just had to get this odd my chest. So thank you if you read this far.

#story #abuse #abuse tw #child abuse #emotional abuse #fucked up #neglect #abusive parents #abusive family #abusive father #alcohlism #self harm #self harm story #over coming self harm #over coming abuse #2 months clean