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mental-health-advice · 1 year

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hi so my partner was recently diagnosed w bpd & im at a loss for how to help them. they’re constantly afraid of me leaving them, that i hate them, & that any second we don’t see each other irl is the end of the world. one of their biggest issues lately has been dealing w a change in plans. we recently had to move our plans to 2 days from now bc of scheduling conflicts & no matter how much i reassured them that we would still see each other within the same week, they were inconsolable. they admitted they want to lash out at me but are trying not to, & that in extreme cases they considered killing themselves to “punish” me for changing plans. they have openly acknowledged that this is toxic behavior & they acknowledge that it triggers my ptsd, but it continues to happen. they had an episode like this when i had to move plans to a later time in the same day & were still equally inconsolable. we came up w a compromise where they could still see me today but im worried abt whats gonna happen when we CANT compromise and scheduling just doesn’t allow it. ive tried being empathetic abt the way they perceive stress/abandonment & tried validating their feelings while reminding them that it does affect me negatively, and no amount of reassuring that we’ll see each other eventually will console them. ive also tried encouraging them to get more help than they’re currently getting in therapy but nothing seems to have changed. they’re chronically stressed from all this & i just want them to be stress free & not feel frightened abt being abandoned. i can see how much this affects them, but at the same time i have ptsd, anxiety, & depression & all of these are triggered by my partner’s behavior. i want the both of us to be better, but i want to see them finally be relaxed and not constantly attacked by their own demons. i love them so much & it hurts to see them in pain all the time.

Hey there,

This is a tough situation to be placed in for anyone, despite whether they are struggling with their own mental health issues or not.

It sounds like you are doing all that you can right now in reassuring your friend and trying to the best of your ability to do all you can do to make compromises and try to catch up on the same days but at a different time if at all possible.

You mentioned that your friend is currently in therapy but I am wondering I guess if they are in the right kind of therapy to help treat the symptoms and thoughts surrounding BPD. For example, if they are in general talk therapy (which is also great) but DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) which is comprised of 4 different modules that are done in a group setting and one on one weekly therapy sessions is the best kind of therapy for BPD. It can be scary and especially the group settings but it does get easier and if your friend isn’t one to be OK in a group setting then some psychologists are OK with doing DBT one on one for the entire course. So definitely something to think about if they haven’t tried DBT yet.

Sometimes, depending on the severity of symptoms and possible other diagnosis’ medication can also be helpful. So maybe encourage them to see their local doctor or GP and ask for a referral to see a psychiatrist for some more help and support.

I also want to point out that if by chance your friend was to commit suicide, attempt to or want to hurt themselves in anyway, this does not reflect on you in any way. You friend is in control of their own actions and usually if they want to do something bad enough then no amount of talking them out of it can stop them. If you were to see some warning signs though so for example these could be but are not limited to:

Increase in talking about suicide

Putting in place plans

Isolation from people including you

Loss of interest in things

Then I would encourage you to seek some help and support for your friend on their behalf. So for example contacting their local mental health team so they can do a follow up and/ or intervene if needed. Or getting them to the local hospital.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #BPD #partner #therapy #getting more support #DBT

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literallytoad · 7 years

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I always see posts talking about Tumblr’s “anti-recovery mindset,” and to an extent I agree - like, you shouldn’t use “we can’t all be neurotypical karen” to dismiss perfectly reasonable self-care tips, and yeah it’s incredibly obnoxious when people go “well OBVIOUSLY you’ve never been depressed in your life!!” when someone posts about having a good day.

But those are extreme examples, and while they do happen, I feel like demonizing the “anti-recovery mindset” usually goes too far in the other direction.

Like for example, I see people ALL THE TIME condemning funny Relatable posts about bad things like being suicidal or failing at very basic self-care. But like… I feel like self-deprecating jokes are a pretty benign coping mechanism?

Like I promise, people who can’t find it in them to force themself to take a shower or go to work/school or whatever already fucking hate themselves. THEY KNOW those things aren’t normal or healthy or good. But when you see “that depression feel when you haven’t showered in a week lol” and it has 1000 notes, you know you aren’t alone, and that helps. Posts like that are not glorifying or romanticizing mental illness. Literally no one is interpreting them as “not showering is a worthy goal that I should strive to emulate.”

Mental illnesses have symptoms that are not healthy. People deserve to talk about those experiences if they want to.

Automatically dismissing healthy behaviors as neurotypical is anti-recovery. Turning things into a competition of who’s the most miserable or impaired is anti-recovery. Being honest and unapologetic about your mental illness? That is not anti-recovery. That’s just real.

#sry i am not trying to plagiarize the post i reblogged earlier this has been in my drafts for like a week #anti recovery #actuallydepressed #actuallyanxious #my post #also on a personal note i love the relatable depression posts #bc when people talk about their depression in a way that is serious and well depressing it makes me feel way worse #like back when i used to use reddit i had to unsubscribe from r/depression because reading the posts was literally making me more suicidal #but the posts with a little more lighthearted tone don't do that #not that it's not ok to be candid about your depression with a negative tone because it is!! im just expressing a personal preference #and yeah i am very pro recovery but every mentally ill person at some points in their life is not ready to recover #and demonizing anti recovery feels a lot like telling those people to shut up until they can at least try to be normal #like i know it's not literally what they are saying but i feel like it's related but i am tired of writing and thinking about this tbh #thank you for reading my post and my tags

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silvermahogany · 3 years

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Talking about a few songs I associate with my favourite aonoex characters bc i enjoy shoving my music taste in people's faces and analysing the shit out of nothing <3

Recent chapter spoiler warning lessgo, also mentions of suicide tw

THE MAIN MANS HIMSELF

Still feel - Half•Alive

"I am not a slave, so pick me from the dark and pull me from the grave"

In my mind, this is his themesong without a doubt. Its reached the point where wherever i hear it it makes me really happy because I associate it with him so strongly :,D might just be because I found it while getting back into the fandom when Ren was kinda transitioning to my favourite so they came up together but either way, absolute banger. The bit at the end when everything drops and the lead singer belts his heart out, I always love to picture Ren doing the same in the illuminati uniform with Yamatanka building around him and I've never wanted to learn how to animate more in my life cause my GOD he's so cool.

My favourite song for my favourite character <3

Preach - Saint Motel

"Oh im down on my knees, mercy"

Its so happy and bouncy?? And the vibes are immaculate?? Matches well with the themes of religion as well, this one definitely shows his flirty loverboy side more, it gives the impression of some lovestruck idiot stumbling over himself every time his crush does anything and honestly, sounds like something he'd do. Good song makes me go :))))

Your Love (Deja Vu) - Glass Animals

"You eat us up, you live like you're on camera"

I feel like this one captures his spy side a little more than the others. The lower notes in the main verses give a secretive feel, like he's halfway through a mission and trying trying stay silent. But it's also flirty in a more smooth way than wholesome crushes like the rest. The lead singer has such a gorgeous voice too i'll praise glass animals until the day i die 🥺🥺 God tier song god tier vibe 1000000/10

Do It All The Time - IDKHOWBUTTHEYFOUNDME

"Now we're so young but we're probably gonna die, it's so fun we're so good at selling lies"

Now THIS is a song for a spy working for a secret deadly organisation, all about world domination and having a great time doing it. Renzou is a free spirit and loves the freedom of his job, and this song really captures that for me. He knows he's in danger, but he's living his best life and he's having a great time doing it baybeeee B)))

Sweet Talk - Saint Motel

"You could yell 'piss off won't you stay away!' And still be sweet talk to my ears"

Ren is a persistent little shit when it comes comes crushes and this song shows it, a song about a guy who's so infatuated he doesn't care if he's hated or laughed at, he just loves hearing their voice. I see this as a bit of a yukishima anthem tbh, I feel like in the early stages of their relationship it would be pretty one sided with Shima trying to win him over and Yukio shutting him down so this matches that pretty well :>

Cant go five minutes without talking about them can i-

Honourable mentions-

Talk too much - COIN - very flirty and cheesy considered it as his themesong for a while

Toxic - Britney Spears - self explanatory :)

Razzmatazz - IDKHBTFM - everything they make shows his spy side imo, good for daydreaming

Van horn - Saint Motel -honestly anything by Saint Motel or Half•Alive reminds me of him, great bands :D

YUKIO MY BELOVED

Yukio was weirdly a lot harder for me to find songs for. For Renzou i have a giant playlist I add to over time, supreme comfort playlist egegegeheh, but Yukio's is a lot shorter for some reason. I guess his vibe is a little difficult to get down but a while scrolling through my main playlist and I think I have a decent few that at least match his character development and plotline.

Stressed Out - Twenty one Pilots

"Out of student loans and treehouse homes we all would take the latter"

Pretty self explanatory really, mans was forced to grow up and mature way faster than he shouldve had to, having a high stress job by the age of 13 studying for two meister all while studying to be a normal doctor as well. Not much of a surprise he has so many mental issues by the beginning of the story. I dont listen to much TOP but the few songs I know seem to fit Yukio pretty nicely :)

Oh Klahoma - Jack Stauber

"Those aren't meant to bend, no those arent meant to bend"

Another song based on depression, but with a much quieter feel, much lower energy. I feel like this one more links to his tendencies of delf destruction, and how alone he feels as he faces his battle. Like he's singing into the void hoping for something to reply, but nothing will. Man :(

The Fall - Half•Alive

"I'd jump off and into your arms but i cant trust the fall"

I feel like this one highlight his story to Rin in a really realistic way. Yukio has a good heart, he's kind and wants to love his brother and open up to him he wants to get better. But he's so deep in his pit of depression and conflicting feelings over his brother that he can't bring himself to, he sees no way out. God I wanna write an analysis on his character so bAD-

Baby Hotline - Jack Stauber

"Numb, I've been burning with haste and I'm realising now it's a terrible waste"

We just keep getting darker huh, didn't pick very pleasant tunes for this boy did I. A bouncy, happy song about a girl calling a suicide hotline, lovely. But i feel like it describes his mental state pretty well, outside he seems ok. Sure Rin picks up that somethings off, but once Yukio assures him he doesnt really persist above asking him a couple times. But below the facade he's really reaching his breaking point, and I love how this song contrasts those two tones in a scarily natural way. Absolute banger

Fireflies - Gorillaz

"And if you say goodbye too many times, the sentinels will find me and switch me off this time"

One of my absolute favourite Gorillaz songs by far. The melody is so gorgeous, melancholic in the best kind of way. For Yukio I feel like it signifies how trapped he feels as Satan's son, he's hit his lowest point and he doesnt know how to start moving back up. But the song also has a hopeful feel to it, as if even though he feels lost, he will get better. In the recent chapters we see a moment of reconciliation between Yukio and the people around him, with Suguro forgiving him and tye two brothers finally getting a chance to to things out. Before everything went to shit lmaoo. But with that i really hope that after all the fighting is done, Yukio will finally get the chance to see how bad things have gotten, and reach out to get better. And this song shows that for me :D

Honourable mentions!!

Creature - Half•Alive - the first song I ever added to his playlist, there for sentimentality tbh

Cane shuga - Glass Animals - the plonky noises make the happy chemical go buckwild, not sure why it reminds me of him it just kinda does really

I Earn My Life - Lemon Demon - mans is overworked give him a break :( ngl i don't associate it with him much but i wanted to edge a lemon demon song in somewhere-

Dead inside - Younger Hunger - whenever I hear this I always imagine a really cool animation of him and it always plays out the same way and MAN I wanna animate so baDD

Absolute wordvomit woohoo, hypervocused on this instead if doing the assignment due this evening I'm a fantastic student. This was kinda fun tho!!! I might do other characters at somepoint, these guys are my favourites but i have a bunch of playlists for other characters like Amaimon and Shura, recommendations are welcome too!!

#blue exorcist #yukio okumura #shima renzou #aonoex #ao no exorcist #seriously i love Still Feel so much im losing my shit over that song #half alive #i put way too mucn effort into this #day 38372974838 of hyperfixating on these boys

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mr-walkingrainbow · 3 years

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Kings, Queens, Royalty, what are our (yes obvi collective bc we're all sharing a braincell here with everything Abimel) thoughts on Miss Abigael trying to bind her powers? And what are our theories about Miss Abigael and Miss Jordan being stuck in (I'm calling it a prison world because I deadass cannot remember the right word for) those separate prison-y worlds? Who's going to notice they're missing, Maggie or Mel??

OK TIME TO RANT.

TW. SPOILIES FOR S3 Ep 11.

TW Mentions of suicide and suicidal behaviors. TW cutting mention

TW depression

TW self harm

HELLO FELLOW KING/QUEEN/ROYALTY.

1. I fucking lost my shit with this episode. The writers are just fucking up huge. Abby is now moved to the most dangerous level of her depression, EXTREME self harm. Before she’d do things but she’d always wake up before it actually hurt her. Hell, this time she literally grabbed shards of glass and went ham on her skin like it was a piece of cake! How did she even reach her shoulder???? They didn’t even show all her wounds and that’s terrifying. she literally fully took sharp things and tried to kill herself from self injury and blood loss. I just.

i can’t.

the charmed writers have still not acknowledge this is depression, or done a thing on how self harm is horrible. Or have anyone actually recognize what Abby is doing without some cruel insult.

and considering the leap that happened, I’m honestly terrified she’s going make the final leap and they will barely even acknowledge it, nevertheless treat it as the delicate and important subject it is.

Literally every scene. Every scène in this was gut wrenching. Waking up in disarray and a desttoyed room, only to be covered in your own blood. (Ok technically she wasn’t, which is also logically incorrect, like what, her demon side decide to be nice and clean up the blood that was 100% no doubt pouring down her arms and body?) yeah no.

Walkinh up to Jorden. Asking him to help her do a binding spell.

Im gonna take a second here to establish that this is Abby. Abigael Jameson-fucking-Caine. the literal DEMON OVERLORD.

she lives for her magic. Magic is who she is and how she lives and she practically breaths the stuff. She’s the most magical out of all of the people on the show. It was how she was raised. It was ingrained into her more then anything else

the fact that she made a split second decision to get rid of ALL of her powers FOREVER.

It just is truly the ultimate show of how desperate she is. How much pain mentally and physically this is causing her.

im not even comment on the fact that I nearly cried from how soft Jordan was patching her up.

🥺😭😭😭 ok yes I am I just did GOD I LIVE FOR THEIR PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP ALMOST MORE THEN OVERWITCH THEMSELVES!

ALMOST! That’s a very hard almost. Overwitch is what gets my heart pumping in the morning.

bro just FUCKING bro! She was so scared. So so scared of the binding ritual. She didn’t want to do it but she had too. It was pure fear and desperation. (I flinched when she whimpered as she cut her hand. She’s already cut herself way to much in the last 24 hours. I’m not even gonna begin on the rollercoaster of thought’s she might have been feeling)

Also, is it just me, or is she ALWAYS too eager to go and slice her palm if they need demon blood for a spell. Like she generally doesn’t care if she hurts herself in the process. hell she proved that by literally poisoning herself painfully to get Harry’s attention.

and that was BEFORE getting a suicidal demon side.

god she’s been a mess for so long and no ones realizing it.

Bro. BRO. JORDAN. WAS. SO. FUCKING. SOFT when he was about to apparently STAB her??? Like what the fuck was that??? Oh to get rid of your powers we need EVEN MORE BLOOD or for you to flat out die, NO BIGGIE!

but look at him as he does it. He stands and gently caresses Her shoulder. I fucking sobbed at that. He holds her like she’s a fragile broken sparrow. A innocent bird. I NEED more of that.

haha if that’s not enought let’s add some MORE PAIN. onto this overwhelming ANGST SESH.

THE PERFECTI DECIDE TO SEND HER TO THE TOMB OF FUCKING CHAOS BY BURNINH A SYMBOL INTO THE BACK OF HER NECK??? WHERE SHE APPARENTLY FINDS A (hammer??) SOMEWHERE! (not gonna lie I didn’t know what I was missing till my life was complete with Abby with a hammer) anywho-

you fucked up perfecti!

the tomb of chaos is for the most evil of monsters and demons, who even murderers are afraid of

IT IS NOT FOR HALF DEMON HALF WITCH SUICIDAL BEANS WHO ARE LITERALLY TRYING TO DIE EVERY NIGHT AND TRYING TO REDEEM HERSELF

THE DIFFERENCE IS MORE THEN CLEAR.

bruh her scream though

🥺 jorden was so concerned

WHEN ABBY CALLED OUT FOR ‘JORDY’ WHEN SHE WAS NERVOUS AND ALONE

when she says ‘Anyone?’ That KILLED ME.

i SWEAR. If she’s gonna see hallucinations of her family I WILL loose my shit.

MY GOD. If in her dream cell she’s dating Mel??? like maybe that’s her incorrect thing.

also WHAT THE FUCK was that beginning scene??? So we all agreed that when she’s in her full on body length let’s bring out the angsty lace dress state, that shes “Asleep” and “Unconscious.” And “NOT LUCID OR SANE AT ALL”

like a normal person

so your telling Me, UNCONSCIOUSLY. She went to the CHARMED ONES HOUSE??

to do exactly WHAT exactly??? She’s not gonna kill them? She wants to kill herself! and she doesn’t even want them to die in real life.

so that’s un probable.

unless the reason she came their wasnt violence related at all!

she’s first in the house , and the first thing she says is MEL.

theirs a dramatic long pause and then she says the other sisters names

as if mels the soul purpose and Maggie and Macy are the unwilling spares.

AKA. CANONLY. IN HER TIME OF NEED. SHE GOES TO MELS HOUSE. TO SEARCH FOR MEL. SO MEL CAN BE THEIR WITH HER

AKA MEL IS EVERYTHING

OVERWITCH CANON

MIC DROP!

(i swtg if they hurt her next episode I will RANT AND BOYCOTT SO AHRD!)

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yikesharringrove · 4 years

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I both really want to read a conversion camp fic and really fucking DONT lol but I trust you to do it well and not absolutely destroy us so... I am asking for you to write the conversion camp fic please.

Oh, my plan is to absolutely destroy you all with this one.

This is modern bc it wasn’t gonna be but then I wrote a part and it kinda had to be lol

TW: religion, homophobia, transphobia (nd Steve), conversion camp, anxiety, depression, physical abuse, the word r*pe is thrown around, suicidal ideations, basically, it’s a DOOZY

Seriously, this shit gets DARK. I have A LOT of untapped emotions.

But it has a happy ending, don’t worry

Steve’s hands were shaking as they dug through his bag.

They had already pulled out the eyeshadow palette he had tried to sneak in, needed something to make himself feel okay in this inevitable Hell.

“Did you receive our guidelines?” They had found the lipstick he had shoved in one of his shoes. “We specifically outlined prohibited items.” He took a shaky breath. “Your perversion is much deeper than anticipated, Mr. Harrington.” He just nodded.

He was shuffled about, led to a cold blank room.

His first meeting with a conversion specialist.

“What is your infatuation with women’s things?” The man’s voice made Steve feel like there was cold water dripping down his back.

“I just like pretty things.”

“Why do you deny your manhood?”

“I don’t.”

“You say that, but you do. Every time you pretend you’re a woman-”

“I don’t pretend I’m a woman. I just like makeup and stuff.” He gave Steve a disgusted look.

“By denying your true self, you have turned your back on God. You have allowed the devil to infiltrate your soul, to convince you that these perversions are okay.” He looked down at the paper in his lap, the forms Steve had been forced to sit and fill out with his parents. “You were not close with your father, were you?”

“Um, no. Not really.”

“So you pushed away your male role model?”

“He pushed me away, more like.” The man pursed his lips.

“A father does not push away his son unless there is something evil within him. A father can always tell when there is something wrong, something disgusting in his offspring.” He stood up, towering over Steve.

“You are disgusting, Steven Harrington. You are perverse and foul. You turn your back on your Creator. But you are not without a savior. You can be saved. Denounce the devil that tempts you to this life. Follow your savior, and He will lead you to safety.” He held out his hand. Steve took a breath, and shook it.

Steve’s first day was a fucking nightmare.

He was led to his room, a small room with two bunked beds and no doors. He was told he’d have three roommates, and if they were caught touching one another, the punishment would be painful.

And then it was group therapy.

He sat in a circle with ten of the other boys from the program. They were forced to discuss every attraction they had ever felt to anyone besides women. They were forced to discuss sexual encounters they had had with men, and call themselves disgusting.

And as it was Steve’s turn, and he talked about wearing panties, and fingering himself, and sucking Tommy’s dick, and he felt disgusting.

At dinner he met one of his roommates, and his heart sank.

“Where’d they scrape you up?” The guy was fucking gorgeous.

“Indiana.”

“And you just a homo? Or...?” The guy’s voice trailed off as he looked Steve up and down. “You one a’ them crossdressers, too?” Steve flushed deeply.

“How, how did you know?”

“Because you look like they got to you already. Means they got something on you. Make you feel real bad about yourself.”

“How, how long have you been here?”

“Long enough. Seen plenty a’ boys come and go. Some cured, some just a lost cause.” He was so nonchalant about the whole thing.

“Why, why so long?” He grinned at Steve, sharp and beautiful.

“Because I’m immune, Pretty Boy.” Steve’s breath hitched. The guy licked over his teeth. “Can’t beat the gay outta me if they tried. And they fuckin’ have.”

“But why, why don’t you want to change? I mean, they’re, they’re right.” His blue eyes went cold.

“They got you deep. Damn, you might be the quickest turn around I’ve ever seen.”

“I just, I don’t want to be wrong anymore.” He leaned closer to Steve.

“You have never been wrong.” Steve felt like he was gonna cry.

A firm hand clapped down on Steve’s shoulder.

“William, I hope you’re treating our new guest nicely.” William’s face fell immediately.

“Yes, Father.” Steve looked up to see a priest holding onto him. His hair was greying and neat. His eyes were cold and dead.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to take Steven with me.” Steve followed him, eyes downcast, all the way to his office. “Steven, my name is Father Andrew. I’m here to help you.” Steve didn’t like his smile. “We’re going to meet everyday at 8:30 pm for your therapy.”

He pulled out a folder from the bottom drawer of his desk. He placed a photograph in front of Steve with a flourish.

It was porn.

It was fucking gay porn.

He stood in front of Steve, leaning against the desk, off to the side of the image.

“Tell me what you see here.” One of the men had dark hair. He was being taken from behind by the other man, his blond hair and bright eyes stirred something in Steve.

“Two men. Having sex.”

He didn’t see Father Andrew’s hand, just heard the crack of it against his cheek.

His eyes watered, his cheek burned.

“What do you see?”

“Two perverts.”

“What are they doing?”

“Defiling one another.”

“Good, Steven. You’re learning.”

He placed another photograph down. This time, the man being fucked had a full face of makeup, tears making the dark eyeliner run as he was on his back, hands cuffed to the bed. The man fucking him was smirking at the camera, tongue between his teeth.

“How does this make you feel?”

“Disgusted.”

“Why?”

“That they, they would touch each other like that.”

“Do you have fantasies like this? Of being tied up by another man? Raped by another man?”

And the answer, the answer was technically yes. He had plenty of fantasies of being tied up, taken rough, taken dirty.

But rape. That’s a strong fucking word.

“No, Father.” Another crack. Another slap.

“Lying is a sin, Steven.”

“I, I don’t want to be, to be raped.” Another slap.

“Lying is a sin, Steven.”

“Yes, yes Father. I have had fantasies.”

“These are not fantasies, these are perversions planted in your mind by demons, by the devil trying to pull you away from Christ our Lord. Do not let these demons lead you astray.”

He pulled out another picture.

Steve’s heart fucking stopped.

It was a picture of himself. A nude he had taken for Tommy.

He was wearing pretty lingerie, pouting to the camera. He remembers taking it, remembers putting on his makeup, posing over and over until he took one he liked. They must’ve gone through his phone, through his texts.

“Why do you dress like a woman?”

“Be-because I’m disgusting.” And the thing is, Steve had been told plenty of times that day that he’s disgusting, and he had begun to believe it.

“Good, Steven. You are disgusting. Do you believe you’re a woman?”

“No, Father.”

“Then why have you been experimenting with women’s things?”

“I believed I wasn’t a man.”

“And are you a man?”

“Yes, Father.”

“God made you a man.”

“Yes, Father.” Steve still didn’t like his smile.

He switched the image.

And it was another one of his nudes. This time he was in a skirt, kneeling with his back to the mirror, one hand spreading his cheeks, showing off the silver plug in his ass.

He even remembers the text he had sent with it.

Tommy had been studying for a test, so Steve sent that picture and said but im lonely :( and Tommy had replied I’ll be there in twenty.

“Why do you have an obsession with your anus?” Steve could feel the blood drain from his face.

“I, uh, it feels good.” Another slap.

“How does spitting in the face of your Heavenly Father feel good, Steven? Sodomy does not feel good.” Another slap. Steve’s face felt like it was on fire.

“I’m sorry, Father. I am vile, and disgusting.” Steve was sobbing, felt so fucking pathetic, trying to look anywhere but the printed image of himself.

“I think that’s enough for tonight. I expect you here tomorrow after dinner.”

Steve fucking ran back to his room.

The other boys were asleep. He climbed into the top bunk, curling into himself.

He felt disgusting, he felt foul and wrong and bad.

He tried to stifle his sobs into his pillow, the scratchy case muffling his panic attack.

“Hey, Stevie.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll try to be quiet.” There was a sigh, breath fanning over his face.

And then the boy from earlier was swinging himself into bed with him, curling against him.

“They said-”

“I know exactly what times they patrol. I’ll leave your bed before then.” He sighed. “First night’s always the hardest. You just gotta get through. Tell them what they wanna hear, but remember that they’re fucking wrong. You are valid, and real. Being gay is not disgusting.”

Steve curled into him, letting himself be comforted.

“Thank you. Thank you, William.”

“Oh, Christ. Call me Billy.”

“Thank you, Billy.”

As time passed, it was easy to retreat into himself.

He met with Father Andrew every night, got slapped and hit when his answers weren’t condemning enough.

But each night, Billy would crawl into bed with him, would hold him when he broke down.

The kiss was inevitable.

It happened after Steve had an extreme day, the beating he received when he had admitted to being nonbinary, that he had asked his friends at home to use other pronouns.

And Billy had said you’re perfect the way you are, Sweet Thing.

And Steve kissed him.

And Steve wanted to die.

“Forgive me, Father. For I have sinned.” Steve took a shaking breath.

He was kneeling in the small confessional.

They had Mass every three days, and confession each Friday.

“It has been one week since my last confession.” He took a deep breath. He needed to get this of his chest, needed to get the punishment he deserved. “Father, I, the feelings have not gone away. There is, there’s a boy, and I, I love him. And I try not to. I try not to look at him, to remember the devil is leading me astray. But Father, I think about him. I think about him often.”

“This is an extremely grievous sin, my son.”

“I know, Father. Please help me. I want to, I want to be pure. To be free of this sin, this temptation.”

“I offer, as penance for your sins, to pray a rosary for each time you have had an evil thought about your fellow man this week. As you ponder the Mysteries of the rosary, consider how God created you, how Jesus died for you, and you wipe your feet on their love.”

“Yes, Father.”

“And our meeting will be arduous tonight, Steven.”

“Yes, Father.”

“Now please, recite the Act of Contrition.”

Steve’s hands shook as he recited the prayer, finishing his confession with Father Andrew.

“Now, Steven. You discussed having impure thoughts today.”

Steve’s knees ached from praying the rosary so many times earlier today. He hadn’t eaten, had gone straight to the Chapel after his confession.

He wanted to pray, to cleanse himself.

And he didn’t want to risk seeing Billy.

“Yes, Father.”

“And you mentioned that you love another boy.”

“The devil is trying to make me think it’s love.” Father Andrew smiled his empty smile down at Steve.

“That’s right Steven. Because love cannot exist between two men. Love is a beautiful thing created and given to us by The Lord God.” Father Andrew leaned over Steve, made him shrink back in his seat. “Which is why you are unlovable as you are. You are foul and vile. You may be loved if you change.”

He grabbed Steve’s hair, holding his head still as he slapped his face.

And Steve let him.

He was foul, he was vile.

He deserved the pain.

Two months.

That’s how long it took Steve to “graduate”.

He left the facility in clean khakis, a nice sweater his mother had sent him to wear home.

Billy had left a week and a half prior.

He was deemed a lost cause.

Steve’s mother was there to pick him up, hugged him tight and told him how happy she was that he was fixed.

He was quiet as they drove, watching the shadows the summer sun cast on the side of the plain flat road.

“Your father will be pleased. You’ve made such wonderful progress. Free of all those delusions.”

They passed Tommy’s house.

He felt sick.

The first thing Steve did when he got home was destroy all his make up.

He took everything feminine from it’s hiding spot in the back of his closet.

He scraped out the eye shadow, smeared the lipstick all over his dresses.

He cut up his lingerie, shoved everything into a black garbage back, driving into town to toss it in the dumpster behind the gas station.

He wanted it away, he wanted it gone. He wanted to be pure.

His hands shook as he zipped up the suitcase.

He didn’t have much in there, was planning on taking enough to get him through a little while, then maybe buying some things, some pretty things.

His parents were asleep downstairs, he was planning on being long gone by the time they woke up.

He put on his backpack, taking his wallet and tiptoeing down the stairs, his shoes in his hand.

He had a plan, would drive to the bus station, leave his car there.

Someone will find it, and at that point, he’ll be long gone.

He bought a bus ticket to Chicago, paid in cash and gave a fake name.

He was fucking out of here.

They were fucking out of here.

“As I live, and fucking breathe.”

Steve startled as a hand came down on their shoulder.

They startled again when they turned around, came face to face with a ghost from the past.

“B-Billy?” Billy’s hair was longer than it had been at the camp. His smile was lazier, his eyes brighter. Steve’s gut gave an excited little flutter as he looked them up and down.

“You look fuckin’ gorgeous, Pretty Boy.” Steve flushed, adjusting their dress. It was new.

It had been three years since the camp. One year of Steve living in pain, until they packed their shit, and moved to the Golden Coast. They left in the middle of the fucking night, ran away like a scared child, never looking back.

And here was the love of their goddamn life, in some hole in the wall coffee shop in San Fransisco.

“It’s uh, it’s not Pretty Boy, anymore.” Billy’s grin got even wider.

“Thank fuck.” He swung himself into the seat across from Steve’s, upsetting some of the papers they were working on.

“What happened to you, Billy?” Billy’s smiled slipped, just a little.

“My dad was tired a’ paying for that joint if I wasn’t getting better. So he said if I wasn’t fixed in like, a month, he would stop paying, and I would be kicked out. Stayed true to his word. Haven’t seen the bastard since.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Getting kicked outta that place is the best fuckin’ thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“I graduated. Went through the whole thing. Took me a year to realize how fucked up it was.”

“Jesus. They got you deep.” Steve shrugged.

“I’m okay now.”

“Yeah? What’re you doin’?”

“Goin’ to school. Gonna be a counselor. Hopefully work in an elementary school, or something.” Billy’s eyes were bright.

“That’s amazing. Gonna tell all the little queer kids that they’re valid and all that?”

“That’s the goal.” Billy grinned. “What are you doing now? You with anyone?”

“I own a bar, actually. Kind of a dive, but it’s a good time.” He looked at Steve through his lashes. “You should come by, sometime. Be good to see you.”

“I’d like to see you too.”

“And to answer your question, I’m not with anyone. Not right now.” He smirked. “But I could be.” He leaned over the table, drawing one finger down Steve’s hand. “I like seeing you happy. Feel like I only ever saw you cryin’ in that joint.”

“Well, spent a lot of time crying there.”

“For good reason.” Billy took their hand. “It’s really good to see you.”

“Y’know I told Father Andrew I was in love with you. Got beat black and fuckin’ blue for it.” Billy’s face was grave.

“Why’d you do that?”

“Wanted to be fixed. Took me a year to realize I didn’t need that.”

“You stop lovin’ me in that year?”

“Not even in the two after that.” Billy took a shaking breath.

“You know, I uh, I love you too. Always did. It broke my fucking heart to leave you in that place. Was gonna wake you up that night, get you to run away with me. But they took me out, uh, forcibly.”

“Bet you put up a real good fight.”

“Broke Father Ryan’s nose.” Steve let out a burst of laughter, clapping one hand over their mouth.

“I was wondering about that. He had a splint for like, a month.”

“Yeah, well, bastard kept tryin’ to exorcise me. Headbutted him right in the face.”

“Good for you, Bill. Sometimes I wish I could light the whole place on fire.”

“Me too.” Billy took their hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it. “I gotta head, but I wanna see you. Soon. Later today, if you can.”

“Yeah, uh, I’m just doing some homework, but I could stop by the bar tonight? I don’t have shit to do tomorrow.”

“Lemme pick you up. We can go to dinner before I take you to the bar.” They smiled softly at him.

“I’d like that.”

#oof #this was a lot to write #i got halfway through and realized how much damn Truama the Church has given me #big yikes #I've been really fucking scarred by TWO religions #how fun #yikes writes #tw homophobia #tw religion #tw conversion #tw gay conversion #steve harrington #billy hargrove #steve harrington x billy hargrove #billy hargrove x steve harrington #harringrove #harringrove fic #harringrove ficlet #harringrove drabble

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buniyaad · 3 years

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not to be a theorist on main, but what IF nacht’s brother is henry, and henry was cursed only recently? i think it’s incredibly uncanny that henry is technically the “first” of the black bulls, but nacht apparently knew yami since his grey deer days and wasn’t factored into the question until recently. is it because pre-curse henry was really just that - a free-flying mage, probably sick with something (hence the pale hair), and not at all interested in the rules? could he have gotten cursed somewhere along the way, and then locked away in the castle in order to stop him from hurting others?

im not gonna rule out implanted memories, bc it could always be that henry thinks he’s always been a cursed, suicidally depressed chum, but it could always be that he was a bit of a bastard himself and had to get proverbially neutered so that he doesn’t cause problems. i only say this bc henry’s curse is still technically one of the sub-sub-plots of the greater demon arc, and tabata could easily bring it full-circle by having nacht’s true intention be that he wants to lift henry’s curse, and ALSO, it explains why nacht hates yami so much aka you took my brother from me, and god help your limpass dick if you happen to be fucking him, and thank god we know yami is sleeping with jack bc i imagine there is nothing worse in this life than knowing your colleague-turned-boss is fucking your sibling

tl;dr: henry is nacht’s brother, he was cursed and his memories were fucked with, so he doesn’t remember nacht, so yami took over taking care of him, and that’s why nacht hates yami but also needs to go rescue him bc he owes the stupid bastard

#i may be insane #henry legolant #nacht #black clover #yami sukehiro #real talk

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dansevilpianotea · 4 years

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tw suicidal thoughts/ im not sure if you can relate to this but my parents have been telling me that i believe things that i make up in my mind even if its not the case since i was little, they told me this when i told them that i dont believe in religion, when i came out, when i said i wanted to die and the list goes on. and im guessing because of that, ive been thinking that im making it up as well, but deep down i know what i feel. i know who i am. and i know it'll be okay- we'll be okay ❤️

i kinda relate to that anon, like my dad would probably say that aswell but i'd never actually tell him personal stuff because i was too afraid of what he might say.

i think for me it was in a way bc my dad is emotional manipulative and his sister is a lesbian and he doesn't want to accept that. growing up he 1.) forbid us to talk about her ever 2.) said homophobic stuff, found photos of her and her ex (a man), joking around that she can't be gay because she was with a man (fellas did you know you have to dislike men if ur into women?) .

sometimes my dad's homophobia also infected me and i hated my aunt which is seriously the worst thing of it all, because she and her wife are so amazing, truly gay icons.

i believe what you describe can be a very dangerous behavior of your parents, because they're deeply messing with your head. they tell you that they think they know you better than you do, other than be proud of you of how courageous you are that you could share these things with them. but you can't as a parent seriously be like "no they're just making it up" simply because you can't accept that they might actually be right (also why the hell would you make up being the member of an oppressed group, being suicidal or not believing in religion?? yeah love me some pain, depression and abandonment ✨) .

i sometimes feel like i'm making it up because i never really gave a fuck, like i was never ashamed about liking girls and i had such a lovely welcome into this community and safe space that i feel like i'm just gay because all people on phannie tumblr are gay. which is just as ridiculous as it sounds but i feel like sometimes what if i'm just doing this for attention and it's like easier to like girls because they are prettier idk not to mention my personal track record of my attraction to boys that's incredibly confusing etc.., . in my opinion all these excuses are the conclusions of an intense misogynistic and male focused society that we grew up in. because women are/were supposed to be a men's cooking and cleaning side kick, like women had to be with men, we were told this from the beginning of our life's. it takes so much courage and strength to see behind society's homophobic walls and see the issues in it and i still struggle with it, i keep on fighting but it's not an easy one.

it's a lot of things that still go through my head right now, but i'm gonna end it here because this post is way too long and i'm scared the tumblr app will mess sth up, but thank you for this ask ❤️. as you said we'll just have to keep on fighting with the cishet focused society and with the demons within us that this society created, but we are not alone in this fight. we will make each other strong and educate people and change the laws that made tons of lgbtq+ and other minorities life's significantly harder in the past.

i love you all lots. <3 🏳️‍🌈

#i deeply apologize for the phrasing #english is not my first language and i tend to form a confusing sentence structure #tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide

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ghostfruits · 5 years

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hey can i ask a personal question for the members of ghostfruits; how do u guys personally deal with suicidal ideation and self harm? i notice that theres alot of mentions of death/depression/suicide/etc in your comics, and im a huge fan of you guys and im currently struggling with my own demons and thought I would ask. i hope this isnt too intrusive, feel free to ignore me.. - a suicidal, depressed fan.

i know we’re in public rn but i’m gonna just talk to u like a person, real quick. im going to talk to u like i would have if u were like in front of me

its like 2am and so im worried i might not be as lucid as i think. im sorry in advance if this is like, whole gibberish

im gonna speak for just myself, as the the person who is most often inserting specifically that kind of shit into our work, but definitely not like, the only person on this side like massively struggling with a similar variety of things

i dont know

a lot of people seem to be making work about problems they Used To have, and like ways they Used To feel, and like overcame, and then it becomes safe for them to make like, art about it. like the turmoil happens behind the scenes and then they like open up abt it publically after the fact via art. or at least like thats what im seeing happen, or like, ppl talk abt like "i made this bc it would have helped me figure my shit out sooner if someone had made s/t like this for me" and the like, probably dissappointing truth of it here is i'm bleeding in like real time. i dont have solutions to it. you and me are both in the immediate thick of the same kind of emotion. i didnt manage to puzzle it out. when i was 9 i started feeling like i wanted to kill myself and im 25 and ive wanted that, still, the entire time. i dont all the way know why its like that. sometimes i used to think it was like, a reaction to specific kinds of hardship or loss or dissatisfaction with my circumstances, but lately ive been worried that maybe good things or good times or good feelings are just like, distracting me from something that is my Actual desire, that being dead is the path im just like occassionally straying from. when i say that out loud i have a really easy time imagining a second person telling me that isnt a healthy thing to be saying or feeling, which usually means it isnt, but thats like, really how i am feeling, that is really where i am at with it. that probably means i dont have any business directing another persons like, outlook on it

while i cant tell you how to live with it, or cope with it, or manage it, bc im not doing any of those things, i can tell you really confidently that i dont think you should be dead, and you're being misdirected by either yourself or the world or like something else altogether into thinking thats the key that fits into whatevers in front of you. i know i dont know you, but i know like, a lot of people, and iv never felt like any of them should be dead. ive never met anybody who i thought itd be like fine if they died. theres people im hugely indifferent to, theres people i hate, there are people who have hurt me or others enormously and ive still never thought in earnest like "this persons best plan of attack i think is to kill themselves"not like anybody. not like anybody ever. iv said some fucking wild shit abt niggas but iv never said that, and i cant imagine ever saying it. or thinking it, or feeling it. i dont imagine youd be like an exception to that

thats easy to say, but, im not the person who has to live with it tho. thats easy to say to you but you still have to wake up tomorrow and live out whatever has got you so fucked up you're at like, a death point with it, and if youre coming here to ask abt it, youve probably exhausted a lot of other options already ill bet. and its like, probably wack as fuck to meet like another dead end here too. i dont know if youre still reading this even. i probably wouldnt be. iv had madd niggas hem and haw at me forever abt "temporary problems permanent solutions" and then just like shuffle me out of their office or living room or whatever and expect im not supposed to like pop myself on their doorstep. niggas acting like im fucking playing. like i got it out of my system bc we had one conversation and now im supposed to go eat lunch and be regular. idk. id be very mad at me, if i were you. i dont know if you are, but i wouldnt blame you for that. the reason i say all this is to articulate like;its possible that after hitting another roadblock here, youll feel like, "ok then fuck it" and like set your sights on just like, doing it. like bc i didnt have any jewels for u it would like reinforce it maybe. i would like u to consider this tho;

theres MADD niggas smarter than me. i was extremely useless to you just now. this is not like the pinnacle of help you're ever going to get. the answers you need for this exist even if youve already turned over a dozen rocks and theyve all been like, as useless, as this, tht has like absolutely no bearing on if the next rock will have useless shit under it. every single time u flip a coin it has the exact same chance of going one way or the other. this like did not have the medicine u need in it but the main thing i would want to stress to u is that it *does* exist and uve just had like a supremely shitty time finding it

somebodys got it. the only thing i can like confidently promise u is that somewhere, somebody, definitely knows the answer to this. u might be the person even. im not sure. /i/ def havent found it but like its in the mix somewhere. idk

i cant prove it to u but im positive ur not done yet, & you should stay

i didnt read back over any of this after i typed it, & so im gonna apologize again if it was just like, fullblown nonsense

#tw suicide #stvn #Anonymous

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soldier-poet-king · 5 years

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hey so uhhhh some like major triggers under the cut!!! im physically okay dw!! just like!!! having A Time

got dragged by the coworkers to go see m*dsommar (dont want it to appear in the tag), thought it would be okay bc it looked like cabin in the woods meets weird swedish cult and like i dont like supernatural horror bc demons are real and scary but like slasher flicks are okay, not my preferred movie, but ive been so depressed and need to get out and be social more, so i agreed to go

i am not okay holy fuck that was so incredibly triggering i almost threw up multiple times and im still dissociating and i cant breathe and i dont know why i just didn’t get up and leave but i was so afraid and didnt wanna seem stupid in front of the coworkers and one of them drove me there (i shoulda taken the bus home)

not only was there an EXTREMELY graphic murder-suicide in the first 10 min perpetuated by the main character’s ‘crazy bipolar’ sister, there were multiple flashbacks to it throughout the film, as well as several other on screen suicides related to the cult bit

really shitty ablesit tropes about psychotic breakdowns

SO MANY scenes where ppl do hallucinogenics and maybe that’s what drugs feel like but it was like watching dissociative episodes from the inside of my head over and over and over

fairly gorey, though that’s not actually that bad for me, i just peek through my fingers and it’s fine, i expected a certain degree of gore since it had murder cult in the woods vibes and i can handle it with only mild amounts of nausea

WEIRD GRAPHIC SEX RITUALS FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES i was near tears and it kept flipping between that and another scene so everytime i thought it was over it WASNT and i cant cover both my ears and my eyes and it was SO LOUD i could hear it with my ears plugged and it never ended and my brain was screaming at me to leave of go hide in the bathroom so i didnt have to see what essentially was p*rn but i couldn’t get up and i was so afraid and im not sure if it was fear of judgement or frozen in horror but i feel so guilty and dirty and my OCD and scruples are through the roof and this was after i already almost threw up bc of the on screen suicides and i feel so guilty and sinful and im so afraid bc like i /could/ have left, SHOULD have left and just taken the bus, but i didn’t and so doesnt that mean i /chose/ that and im just a dirty sinful person

i cant breathe and i feel so physically sick and my brain i just oh gosh im going to scrub my apartment til i pass out or i might just pop some benadryl to knock myself out bc i have work tmrw and i have to leave earlier than usual bc im at the further site

im just

this is all my fault i should have read the imdb page but i didn’t bc im a stupid sinful bitch and i just

i cant

i cant i cant icant icant icant

#mental bullshit tag #suicide tw #gore tw #drugs tw #ableism cw #vomitting cw

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morphogenetic · 5 years

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i dunno how to actually talk about this but uhhhhh yeah im putting this under a cut. cw for ment of suicide/depression/death etc, but it's not actually about me personally so don't be worried lmao. also if you can't like this post/acknowledge you read it somehow, im gonna ask that you don't read it. (i get people not being able to do that i just. want to make sure I have some idea of who read this). also can't believe I have to say this but do/n't r/b this

sorry in advance if you're on mobile.

[[MORE]] so my youngest (but older, he's like 34) brother @ ed me in an email that was basically like "this depression treatment isn't working for me and I wish voluntary euthanasia was legal" and like. obviously i don't want him to be in pain. that's obvious

but I also had the realization that I would literally not care if he died. like by this or just generally. and it's not because he's a bad person somehow or anything like that. i just. don't think I would feel anything at all.

and this has been a reoccurring thing where I realize over and over again that I honestly don't think I would strongly care if people close to me died. like I can't say this now bc theyre not my friends for. other reasons but w former friends who I was very close to, even though I very much enjoyed their company, if they randomly died i...don't think I would have been sad? like I would have been sad in a "oh that sucks :(" way but. nothing genuine. and i feel like after a few days I wouldn't really...care any more. hell that would be true when my parents die like. yeah I'd have to sort through everything but I don't think I would really, truly, feel distress and sadness over them dying

am I just a broken human being who literally can't care about other people? is that what this is? bc ive been like this as long as I can remember and. well.

bc im starting to think that people who demonize low-empathy people and call them monsters are right bc clearly? im a fucking monster if I wouldn't even be able to feel sad about my fucking closest friends dying

#i dont know how to tag this im sorry

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theythemsam · 5 years

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spn 9x11, liveblog, collected posts (all 20 of them) or as i like to call it: the sastiel episode!!! Nothing is worth losing you!!! also crowley and deans roadtrip #1, but ehhh idgaf about either soooooo.

Oh yeah, I forgot that this was not just the great Sastiel Episode TM but also Dean going like: hewwo I fucked up im poison time for depression… its time for me to fix this! – fucks up – UPS! Anyway y’all aren’t angry at me any longer right? Look there’s a bigger problem we gotta deal with now!

#like he doesn’t do it consciously and he does it with the best intentions #but the way the show handles dean fucking up with the best intentions to soothe his guilty feelings VS sam fucking up with the best intentions to soothe his guilty feelings is very different and im forever bitter #like don’t make me compare the MoC VS demon blood bc im too gay to think that smartly

The adorable conversation Sam and Cas have about peanut butter aww

#my joy is kinda tampered with bc I notice hes perching still #and since that meta im just like :/ UFFFF #like sam always wants to exert at least this level of control even when sitting down he cant allow himself to fully relax #he has to perch to be taller to be stronger to be able to get up quicker and fight or flee #and just ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

“you’re a terrible liar.” “that’s not true, I once deceived and betrayed both you and your brother” asdfgh I LOVE YOU CAS!!!

Aaaand the rape jokes are just continuing!!!

#i will kill you crowley

I do find the “you’re the farthest thing from family. Anyway, you wanna hunt, lets hunt” kinda interesting bc especially since Sam later on gets shit on So Much for saying the same thing to Dean (“(something about hunting is possible) you wanna be brothers…” (that’s not possible) or whatever the exact quote is) and I know very different circumstances and like Sam and Dean are actually family and have made good experiences something with Crowley cannot claim but it is an interesting parallel maybe foreshadowing Dean’s walk on the demon side of things

#listen this is me knowing from the next episodes whats gonna come and interpreting it from that angle but yeah I found it inch-resting

Cas just wants a guinea pig

#hes like so intense about it asdfghj

The hunter lady is great, I love her so much

Oh man, that’s the episode I made my first ever gifset from

#the impala scene is very good

Cain and his luscious beard

#awww I love his interior design though #the stained glass beehive #very aesthetic!!!

Seriously, I knew shooting through her damn devils traps was gonna come back to bite her in the ass

“Sam, may I ask you a question?”

“You just did” asdfgh SHUT UP

#sam you jerk asdfhh god I love that sassy asshole

“and then Dean made a choice for me”

#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

On the one hand: Sam with his blue flannel and blue undershirt: fashion icon

On the other hand: “being human means settling your debts. Now let’s start balancing the books.” Is a very unhealthy way of thinking and I need to get this man to therapy

#pls let my boy live and get him some happy brain juiced

The hurt!sam deliciousness in this episode!

#im not the biggest fan of needles but !!!! AHHHH I do love this episode #and also cas taking care of Sam #and the way he puts his hand on sams forehead #so soft

“please help me do one thing right” SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!

#i hate this I hate this I hate this #sam went from suicidally depressed bc of all the ways he let dean down to… possessed by an angel and forced to kill /again/ and to kill someone he cared about someone he promised to protect #and now they have a chance for revenge but if he dies getting that hes fine with that too #DAMN this boy needs therapy! #i am also just a big sucker for hurt!sam so this is good

Dean really gets to show his fighting skills in that scene and that’s cool

#like he just utilizes everything he can to beat the crap outta those demons

“Nothing is worth losing you”

#BABY BOY!!!! #just took a break to make a gifset and it took… a long time #mostly bc I took another break in between to eat clean hang out on the twitter

Cain just rolling up his sleeves and going on a demon murder spree is so nice!!!

#like damn hes badass!!!

The hug ahhhhhhhh

#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #the damn face pat! #hewwo im back on my bs

Crowley is such an ass!

#dean punching him is satisfying but it already feeds into the mark

#spn 9x11 #collections #rape counter is at 8 now #yikes yiketh!!!#i mean after season 6 & 7 im always expecting worse but we still got another 12 episodes to go with this one where they can catch up #like season 8 was good compared to the rest #sam liveblogs

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