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#and someone's state at birth says absolutely nothing about what they are capable of if given the same access to education as others
linkspooky · 6 months
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I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND ME
It's not surprising to me that Gojo's dying monologue he spent more time talking about his fight with Sukuna than any of his students. Gojo's priority from the beginning isn't to save Megumi but to fight all-out against a strong opponent, the line is: ""The Absolute Strong. The loneliness that follows. The one who will teach you about love is..."
This fight is basically the climax of Gojo's identity crisis which has been a long running issue for him throughout the manga. He's simultaneously a self-confident individualist with an overpowering sense of "ego" and a person with little idea of who he is outside of the role in society that was given to him. Gojo went into the fight looking for someone capable of understanding him, the fight is about Gojo seeking an answer to who he is, that's why he fights and that's why he loses.
Gojo is Not Normal
Nanami's statement is misinterpreted I think.
"You live for Jujutsu. You don't wield it to protect something. You use it solely for the sake of satisfying yourself."
A lot of people took this to mean that Goo didn't care about anyone but himself, even though Gojo directly contradicts this earlier.
"I love everyone and don't feel lonely snow, but somewhere along the way there was a line I drew, not as a human but as a living creature."
He states he does love other people, if only from afar, he just doesn't understand them. Gojo can't make other people his reason to fight, because he only understands himself. He only sees himself. He can only fight for what's inside himself.
"You can make a flower bloom, you can admire it, but you can't tell that flower 'I want you to understand me'
Gojo's students are the flowers. Itadori, Fushiguro and Nobara are all named after flowers. He's raising them up to be as strong as him, he's fond of them, but he doesn't think they relate to him because he exists in a different category of other people.
A lot of people want Gojo to be a more traditional caring mentor figure like Kakashi or Aizawa they're missing what's really interesting about his character. When Nanami says "Gojo only cares about being the strongest" it's true because his entire character is written around the statement "I am the strongest". He is conceptually about what it is like to be the strongest man in existence. That is the character concept, and Gojo's entire identity crisis revolves around that he's built up his personality around being the strongest at Jujutsu and nothing else.
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Gojo can only fight for his own ego and self satisfaction as Nanami says, because he has nothing else, he has no identity outside of that.
However, before I get into why I want to point out that Gojo is not normal. It's not because someone on his power level is fundamentally incapable of relating to other people, but Gojo himself...is not right in the head. He's making an active decision to choose not to empathize with people whatsoever, it's not just that it's hard to understand him, it's that they can't understand him.
Gojo talks about his students like they're members of another species. They're flowers. They can't relate to him on a human level because he's something other than human. A friend had an interesting reading on why specifically it's flowers Gojo chose for his metaphor.
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Plants are less sentient than insects, they don't contemplate anything they are just taken care of by their gardener and grow towards the sun. That's how differently he sees himself from others.
I wanted to include this take from @kaibutsushidousha as well.
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Gojo's not from the planet mars he's a human who has human emotions and human psychology like everyone else, so that's simply not true, but Gojo believes it is and that belief influences how he interacts with everyone.
Gojo can't see himself reflected back in other people for some reasons that aren't his fault and some reasons that are. Gojo has been from birth, treated as different from everyone around him, not for anything he really did but because he was born with a really strong jujutsu ability. He's a literal chosen one. He always seen as the six eyes user, the strongest, before he was seen as a person. His entire life has been defined entirely by the abilities he was born with, he was born to be a Jujutsu Sorcerer so of course that's what he builds his entire identity around.
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Not only is he told that he's categorically different from others, but he also believes it. We know little about his early childhood besides Gege's statements that he was spoiled, but we do see later on in childhood there are people who are willing to treat Gojo normally despite the position he has as the strongest. This is when it starts being Gojo's fault that he continues to see himself as different from other people.
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Shoko, Gojo's closest confidante in his schooldays after Geto's days basically tells him that. She's been with him for years and yet he still has the audacity to act like he's all alone in the world. Even when people try to treat Gojo normally and relate to him on a personal level, Gojo actively ignores their presence in his life like he did Shoko because he's not only been told he's different from other people because he's stronger, but he believes it and he's built his entire world view around it.
This is why the only person that Gojo ever let in was Geto, because Gojo believed that Geto was someone who could stand on top with others. THe only person who could believe the strongest, or teach them about love was someone equally as strong. Gojo just happening to meet another sorcerer who was special class as a teenager not only allowed him to have a friend, but fit perfectly into his narrative that he was separate from others and only someone as strong as him could understand. There are people like Shoko and Nanami who treat Gojo normally despite the fact he's the strongest, but Geto was the only one Gojo met in because he met the qualifiaction of being someone equally as strong.
This isn't really the case for Geto. Geto comes to see weak people as inferior yes in the sense he sees Non-Jujutsu Sorcerers as inferior, but Geto is capable of making connections to other Jujutsu Sorcerer. Geto has his family, he has Nanako and Mimiko and the rest of his followers who he all cares about equally. Geto met all of them and chose to relate to them, he even tells Gojo after killing his biological parents that he's choosing who his real family is now.
"It wouldn't be fair if I made an exception for my parents, now would it? Besides my family now consists of more than just them."
Geto demonstrates someone as powerful as Geto can make a choice to relate to other people. It's shown in the way that Geto treats Nanako and Mimiko, he is their father and he raised them as his daughters. Compared to how Megumi is just a student to Gojo. Gojo's only invested in making Megumi into a strong Jujutsu Sorcerer, because Gojo doesn't fathom connecting to someone weaker than him. He's only their to raise up a strong sorcerer, whereas Geto who's capable of connecting with people in other ways is raising up Nanako and Mimiko and they're connected as parent and child.
Geto and Gojo are similiar in a lot of ways, same level of strength comapred to the rest of humanity, same god complex (and yes it is a god coplex, there's a reason the two people Gojo relates to are Geto who has constant religious imagery associated with him and Sukuna who's literally satan) and yet Geto shows someone roughly Gojo's power level can make connections to others Gojo just chooses not to.
This is where I'm stealing from a friend's post a bit. @theanimepsychologist points out that Geto notices the beginnings of Gojo's identity complex soon after it started with Toji.
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I always thought of the panel above as Geto being jealous of Gojo surpassing him in strength but, in retrospect, I think Geto’s disappointment had more to do with Gojo’s sense of self over-identifying with the title “the strongest” and how that made him harder to relate to, which is one of the main themes in this chapter. I’ll come back to this in a sec. But first… Quick depth psych segway. I think I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating again that an overwhelming sense of self is all ego. There’s nothing wrong with ego per se. The problem is that an over-identification with ego means inherent separateness because, as an organ of the psyche, the ego sense of self is what gives us a separate identity from the collective.
Geto notices that Gojo is drawing a line between himself and other people, and pulling away because of that because people in the second category of weak can't possibly understand the strong and he's reacting to it. Geto is also the only person to underline to Gojo himself that he's unsure about his own identity.
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Gojo knows he's the strongest, but he doesn't know anything about himself besides that, or even what being the strongest entails in his relation to other people. He's never constructed an identity outside of it in part because he's never had to, nobody has ever challenged him for his title as the strongest, and he also fits jujutsu society's mould perfectly. He's perfect at what he does, why would he need to change? Why would a person who reached enlightenment at seventeen need to reflect upon himself or figure out who he is? You can't really become more enlightened.
The other reason he's never constructed an identity is he's never interacted with anyone on equal terms. Metaphorically Gojo exists in a vacuum of human interaction. How appropriate is it in a way that he was sealed in a box where time didn't move completely alone for who knows how long, because that's kind of just how Gojo sees himself in relation to the rest of the world.
As Psycho points out an unregulated ego results in an inherent separateness from the collective. People don't exist in a vacuum however. We wouldn't know who we are if we were entirely alone. We are defined just as much as ourselves, as we are by our interaction with others.
Ich and Du, translated as I and Thou is a book by philosopher Martin Buber. His two main porositions is that we may address existence in two ways:
The attitude of the "I" towards "it" towards an object that is separate in itself, which we either use or experience.
The attitude of "I" towards "Thou" in a relationship in which the other is not separated by discrete bounds.
I -> It is the world of sensations. If I am looking at a chair, I say "This is a chair. This chair is an eyesore." I am seeing the chair. I don't relate to the chair.
I -> Thou can be used to refer to a relationship between human beings. You don't experience the human being., you can only relate to them and what that relationship means to you. He goes on further to say that love requires a subject -> subject relationship. To love someone means you have to relate to them as if they are another being, you can't love an object.
He's a philosopher to put forward that it's human's connections with each other and their ability to relate to each other that brings meaning to life. Gojo in Buber's terms is only experiencing the world around him, not relating to it. How appropriate of someone with the six-eyes, an ability that gives him sight far better than anyone else to see himself as only an observer to the outside world, like a floating pair of eyes.
The choice that Gojo makes not to relate to other human beings on an equal level, not only isolates him, it affects his sense of self. People cannot exist within a background. Gojo's like a vampire who can't see his own reflection. ? It's all because of this caveat that Gojo himself has set up that no one can possibly relate to him unless they were equally as powerful as him that he can't see himself in others. He can't see himself in others, he can't find anyone to help him understand himself, and therefore his identity crisis goes unresolved.
Twitter user @ det_critics pointed this out that the question: "Take away his strength and what is he?" isn't one Gojo has an answer for, and one he's actively been running from.
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As I said Gojo literally doesn't have a reflection, we see that in story when the prison realm opens its eye and it's just a void where Gojo's face is supposed to be. Gojo choosing not to think of himself as the strongest is also a choice not to think about who he'd be if he wasn't. A question he evades over and over again by telling himself that he can't be understood by people who are weak b/c he categorically exists on a different plane of reality.
When he does look for an answer it's telling just how not normal Gojo is in who he chooses to empathize with: which is Sukuna.
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This is who Gojo as chosen to be the only other person besides Gojo he felt he could relate to. The same person who monologues about weak people like this.
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The same person who monologues that weak people shouldn't even be alive, they should be culled. Sukuna sees weak people as insects. Gojo sees them as plants.
The first person that Gojo relates to as a subject rather than an object Geto is cut short, the next person he relates to as a subject is Sukuna of all people. He chooses to see himself in Sukuna, because Sukuna validates that incorrect idea Gojo has that someone as powerful as him could never possibly be understood by other people. After all, Sukuna the strongest sorcerer of all time isn't even really human anymore, he's a curse a calamity. For Gojo who doesn't see himself as relatable to other human beings this is validation of that mistaken notion.
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It's also telling of how much Gojo's own identity issues have warped him that he finds a curse personally relatable, and even pitiable because it's lonely. Sukuna, who's main problem is that he's bored because a life of killing people is unfulfilling and it's turned him into an adrenline junkie. This is who Gojo's personally chosen to relate to because they both only see the world in the category of "the strong" and "the weak."
Gojo's viewpoint of other people is mistaken for several reasons, but one interesting one was pointed out for me by Psycho. He refers to his students as flowers, but they're lotus flowers. Lotus flowers mean many things, but they're seen as symbols of purity because they rise up from the mud. Gojo is only looking at the flowers, not the mud they rise from .
"No mud, no lotus. The mud is what makes us who we are, and no one can 100% understand what wading through the mud feels like. I think people see oh shiny lotus, the outcome of wading through the mud but they overlook the self because we live in an outcome oriented society.
Gojo is someone who doesn't see the mud and therefore doesn't relate to the personal struggles of others. Which sabotages a lot of his personal relationships. Which like, to bring Megumi into this, Megumi is proof that Gojo IS NOT NORMAL.
Megumi is the kind of special genius that Gojo is, he's born with the strongest technique one capable of killing Gojo, but he doesn't become a special class at seventeen like Gojo, nor is he interested in doing that because Megumi is an entirely different person with differnt personal struggles than Gojo. He has all the raw potenital that Gojo does, but they have wildly different upbringings. Gojo was primed for success by being the spoiled child of his clan, while Megumi is an abandoned child. It proves again Gojo's maxim of people who have that much power are inhuman and don't follow human psychology is wrong because Megumi has all the potential to be as strong as Gojo, but he's just a normal kid. Megumi is still wading through the mud and Gojo doesn't see that.
GOJO IS NORMAL
Jujutsu Kaisen seems to be following Buber's logic on how identity is defined by the interactions we have with other people, because there was a period in Gojo's life where he did create an identity outside of being a sorcerer and that's when he was Geto's friend.
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In the afterlife we even see him regressing to that previous state of being. There was a period for three years in his life that Gojo was something besides being the strongest, and that was when he was Geto's friend too. If Jujutsu Kaisen is about how identity and meaning are both constructed from the interactions we have with other people (subject -> subject) interactions then it's telling that Gojo reverts to his seventeen year old self because that was the first and only time in his life he was capable of relating to another person, and acted like a fully developed person outside of the role of sorcerer he was born to play.
If identities are constructed though that means they're not inherent. Gojo is not inherently the strongest, just as he's not inherently different from other people. This is different from what Gojo's been told his entire life. He was born the strongest. It's inherent to his identity, a fundamental part of who he is. Therefore people who are strong are inherently different from those who are weak, it's something internally different about them which makes it impossible for Gojo to comprehend the motivations of weak people.
Rather than just strong and weak being constructed categories. Gojo's the strongest at Jujutsu but if you took him outside of Jujutsu and asked him to work any other job he'd no longer be the strongest. He's only the strongest as long as he remains in his fish bowl that is Jujutsu Society. However, Gojo believes differently, he believes being the strongest is what he is, it's something inside of him, and something that makes him fundamentally different from others. This is the line that Gojo has been told due to being born with the six-eyes and this is what Gojo has bought.
This is also what his ability the limitless symbolizes, no one in this world can touch him or reach him, he exists somewhere else. However, the limitless can be breached and Gojo has been shown before there are others capable of touching him.
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Toji is the first and only living human being to challenge him, until Sukuna comes along. However, Toji does arguably more in story than just give Gojo a good fight. Toji full on traumatized him, soemthing which Gojo refuses to acknowledge. Toji is the beginning of the end of Geto's friendship, the death of Amanai Riko sends Geto on a spiral for an entire years, and drives a wedge between Geto and Gojo's friendship when Geto self isolates and Gojo doesn't know what's wrong with his friend.
Gojo also experiences what it's like to be defeated for the first time in his life, and his response is to perfect the limitless so he runs it constantly all the time. Remember, before that he was exhausting it doing it for three days in a row, and when Geto told him to take a break Gojo reassured him he wasn't worried because he knew Geto had his back. Gojo was someone who could let down the limitless before that, but afterwards Gojo always insists on fighting alone with his shields up all the time. All to deny that feeling of vulnerability that Toji inflicted on him for the first time in his life, something he remembers years later, you know like trauma.
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There are times when Gojo is reminded that it's possible he's the same as anyone else, he can experience human weakness. Geto's fall is another time, one post says it's particularly challenging for Gojo to comprehend why Geto would defect because he saw Gojo and himself as above others and therefore immune to human weakness.
gojou 100% has a god complex and thats why getous downfall hit him harder than anyone else. he saw himself and getou as above everyone else and exempt from ‘regular’ peoples flaws, he never thought either of them could be led astray and when getou finally snaps hes bewildered that something like that could ever happen to either of them. hes not just heartbroken over his best friend becoming an enemy, hes thrown for a loop because getou, the one person he thinks of as just as above everyone else and incapable of failing as he is, could ever do something wrong, could ever be wrong. hes finally put into a position where he has to face the fact that hes just as capable of screwing up as anyone else and he can’t make sense of it. gojous hesitance in killing getou isn’t just a byproduct of their friendship, it’s also him realizing that it could have easily been him on the other side of the conflict, which breaks the illusion of him being better than everyone for a second. and like that’s still not enough for him to reject this idea, personally i think that his comment about him and getou being 'the strongest’ in volume 0 is indicative of the fact that despite everything he still hasn’t grown out of this delusion.
Gojo has trauma, because he's a human being with human psychology. He makes mistakes, he has terrible past regrets like his friendship with Geto gone wrong, but he doesn't acknowledge those things because as stated above Gojo thinks he's immune to having regular people flaws. Gojo seeing himself in another category from regular human beings also allows himself to deny an vulnerability, because the strongest isn't supposed to have weaknesses. Seeing yourself as too distant to ever be touched by others also means they can never hurt you, emotionally or otherwise, an extreme form of the hedgehog's dilemna which is explored an Neon Gengesis Evangelion, an existentialist piece Gege takes obvious inspiration from.
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The fact that he avoids other human beings, not because he's fundamentally incapable of understanding them but because he's distancing himself from human feelings like loss, pain, suffering these weaknesses that are part of the human experience just proves he's the same as everyone else. If he wasn't capable of feeling those things he wouldn't avoid it, he wouldn't spend ten years mourning Suguru but not killing him directly until he was forced to on December 24th, he wouldn't be trapped by the box because seeing Geto alive made him have a three minute long trauma flashback.
Gojo is a normal human, with normal human emotions and human psychology, albeit twisted from the power he was born with and his unique viewpoint of the world but he doesn't believe that he is. He uses that as an excuse not to interact with others and because of this his identity suffers. Gojo is someone defined by how limited he is in the story despite having limited power.
Gojo fails as much in the story as he succeeds. As my friend @justapanda put it.
"But, it loos like being strong isn't enough..." Another point could also be made here that, regardless of being the strongest at this point, Gojo was incapable of stopping his closest friend from straying down a dark path, which is perhaps Gojo’s greatest failing in the series. This failure also comes back to bite him much later on as Kenjaku’s ace in the hole to finally checkmate Gojo involved surprising him with the now possessed body of Geto, which distracted Gojo long enough for him to be successfully sealed by the prison realm. Once again, the vast amount of power that Gojo had attained turned out to be completely useless in preventing his own sealing, which has now placed him in an inactive role for over half of Jujutsu Kaisen’s duration. Earlier in the story, Gojo once said: “Ironic, isn’t it? Given everything, but unable to do anything.” when referring to the function of his own domain. This was another intentional use of foreshadowing to describe the dilemma that Gojo was inevitably going to face himself. Satoru Gojo is no limitless man, for no one man is without his limits." Another point could also be made here that, regardless of being the strongest at this point, Gojo was incapable of stopping his closest friend from straying down a dark path, which is perhaps Gojo’s greatest failing in the series. This failure also comes back to bite him much later on as Kenjaku’s ace in the hole to finally checkmate Gojo involved surprising him with the now possessed body of Geto, which distracted Gojo long enough for him to be successfully sealed by the prison realm. Once again, the vast amount of power that Gojo had attained turned out to be completely useless in preventing his own sealing, which has now placed him in an inactive role for over half of Jujutsu Kaisen’s duration. Earlier in the story, Gojo once said: “Ironic, isn’t it? Given everything, but unable to do anything.” when referring to the function of his own domain. This was another intentional use of foreshadowing to describe the dilemma that Gojo was inevitably going to face himself. Satoru Gojo is no limitless man, for no one man is without his limits.
Gojo has moments where he brushes up against the idea that he's not capable of doing everything, that he has faults and fails like every other human being. However, that feeling never really lasts for long. He always tends to double down on his belief that he's the strongest rather than facing his faults because that's where he's comfortable. Gojo can't see himself reflected in other people and therefore is not capable of reflecting and critically evaluating his faults. Not only that but avoiding looking too critically at those losses, he also stops himself from feeling the pain of those losses and denies that vulnerability.
Gojo exists on another plane from other human beings, and therefore why would he experience human sadness and pain? All he feels is a vague sense of loneliness and unfulfillment because he's been so alienated from his own emotions and in Gojo's mind that's better than struggling with weakness. Who would deliberately choose to be just like everyone else when you can be special? Why get close to others when the hedgehog's spines are just going to stab you? However, people form connections because of their weaknesses. Humans cooperate with each other because they are a social species. All of society exists because people divide labor and help each other out. Even Gojo can't say there's no point in his life where he was weak, because he was cared for as a child and raised in a family. He didn't come out of the womb a fully formed individual. The darwinian survival of the fittest, and the black and white strong vs. weak way that Gojo sees the world just doesn't exist, especially in modern society. There's nothing wrong with individualism, but the extreme end of individualism is wrong because no one exists in this world alone you share it with everyone else.
Gojo doesn't even see that though, because he's not living in the same world as everyone else. In his mind the limitless makes it so he basically exists on another plane of reality, but again the limitless can be breached.
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Detective critics basically said that Gojo's delusion was always a false one, he always existed in the same world as everyone else, he simply deluded himself into believing otherwise. There are reasons for this, his upbringing, trauma and not wanting to face the pain of that trauma, but it's still a choice he made. Gojo didn't want to live for other people, he didn't want to relate for them, so he lived for himself pursuing his own strength. Ironically, it reflects Toji's own decision to take pride in neither himself or others and live only for the sake of showing that the Jujutsu World that rejected him was wrong.
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Toji chose to live a life where he only lived to fight and prove he was stronger than the sorcerers who rejected him. He chose it over his own son Megumi, abandoning him in order to continue his lifestyle as a mercenary. He even chose it over continuing to live because he stayed and fought against Gojo to prove he was stronger than the pinnacle of Jujutsu. Toji lives for strength, and he is someone even Gojo respected the strength of, but what else does he have?
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Toji's identity is unstable, he doesn't really live for any purpose, he kills people then blows the money gambling, he jumps from women to women to mooch off of them, he's also mentally unstable as well he shoots a little girl in the back of the head and feels nothing. The instability comes from his isolation, Toji is rejected by everyone the same way that Gojo is lauded by everyone. But Toji goes on step further in that he fails to construct any identity outside of being rejected and his entire life is spent rejecting the people who rejected him. Why does Toji want to be strong, he doesn't know. Purpose is something you have to construct for yourself, because there's no inherent meaning to life. Identity is something that's constructed by both yourself and your interactions with others because people aren't born inherently one thing or the other.
Gojo and Toji just refuse to do this, and only focus on themselves and the goal of being stronger. In Gojo's case I'd argue he doesn't fight for other people because he doesn't feel that connection with other people or rather he doesn't let himself. Hedgehog's dilemna to the extreme. Gojo only fighting for himself isn't Nanami calling him a selfish person who doesn't care about others, it's sad because Gojo never found any other reason to fight or meaning to his life but by getting stronger for its own sake.
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Gojo only fights for the sake of satisfying himself, but here's the clincher, he's unsatisfied. Not only did he fail in his goal of giving Sukuna the fight of his life, because he knew Sukuna was holding back on him, but also admits to Geto that what would have really been satisfying is if Geto was there with him to pat him on the back.
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He's failed on both fronts, he's failed at being the strongest and he's failed at making a connection to the people in his life. Gojo and Toji die in pretty much the same way, they die standing up in the middle of battle, but their last thoughts aren't of disappointment that they lost but their loved ones.
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They spent their entire lives believing they were stronger and therefore different than others, and fighting to satisfy their ego and what does it amount to? Toji lived a life of hedonism and then died abandoning the one person he genuinely loved. Gojo has failed his stated goal of revolutionizing Jujutsu Society and dies before he can see whether or not his dream of a reset Jujutsu World will even come to fruition.
They belived they were someone stronger and therefore inherently better, and are put in their place when someone stronger comes along. They die just like all the other mortals. They believed they were alone so they died alone. It's sad and it goes to show how destructive being "the strongest" was to Gojo's identity in the end. Gojo thinks he's Sukuna but Gojo doesn't want to be Sukuna, because Sukuna's alone, and unlike Gojo you could make the point that Sukuna's not a human being who has human emotions because he's a curse. If Gojo was truly someone who could understand Sukuna he would have been truly alone the same way Sukuna is, and that's not what he wanted.
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It's too bad Gojo never thought seriously about what he wanted, and therefore learned his lesson too late. He was always looking for someone he could relate to, except for in the people who were right in front of him.
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britcision · 2 months
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Alright, it’s time to talk about Lycion and dysmorphia and being a trans allegory
Because… yeah, I think a lot of people can really relate to being scared of mirrors because you hate everything you see in them, and going to extreme lengths to get a body you love
It’s not a complicated allegory
But, and I think this is pretty important and possibly more useful to the trans community than declaring him ours and trans… dysmorphia and dysphoria are not exclusive to trans people
They’re not even particularly related to any part of the body; it can be any part of it
And like 15 years ago when I was learning about trans issues and shit, I went and did a little research, because I eat knowledge. And y’know what fully settled any questions I had?
Found a case about a lady with what is currently being called body integrity/identity disorder, which is basically dysmorphia so severe that people have otherwise healthy limbs amputated to be able to live life in a body they can stand
This lady got both legs fully amputated, got a wheelchair, and became a pillar of her community where before she was almost bed bound
And y’know what, if that’s a thing that can happen and we can all agree that removing her legs was integral to her health, y’know what seems completely trivial by comparison?
Every gender affirming surgery ever
And y’know what is even more trivial?
All the other transition measures that have nothing to do with surgery, like hormones, puberty blockers, and social transitioning
Being trans has become a super political idea for basically no reason whatsoever, but it’s harder to maintain that ideology if you learn about things like dysphoria and dysmorphia as just medical conditions that absolutely anyone can get, and then look at what that means for gender dysphoria
Cuz if peoples’ brains can decide an entire limb has Got To Go then yeah, they’re probably also capable of deciding “that pronoun is Wrong” and we can take that just as seriously; it’s a much easier fix and also free
Basically I’m saying Lycion is our gateway drug cuz if you can understand this elf hates his body so hard he became a werewolf about it, are you really gonna throw a fit over someone getting a packer?
None of this to say you can’t or shouldn’t headcanon him as trans (and unless it comes directly and unambiguously from Ryoko Kui it’s a headcanon, nothing wrong with that it’s what fanon is for)
Just, y’know. Sound folks out on him without mentioning that part right away for your own safety and possibly entertainment 😁👉👉
Oh and super important: he’s not canonically cis either. Pretty sure it was just never specified. Enjoy and apply this knowledge across every character ever whose assigned birth gender isn’t brought up in canon
The thing Lycion definitely is in canon is a goddamn furry and an otherkin allegory, and arrested for awoo crimes. He’s one of only 5 characters in the Adventurer’s Bible with a stated gender (the others being Otta, Kaka, Kiki, and Inutade - everyone else has pronouns but no gendered nouns in English at least)
(Lycion’s “definitely a man” - or “definitely male” in the official translation, which technically excludes him from the gendered committee altogether)
You are, of course, welcome to disregard canon in all things you do - I personally encourage it, it’s much more fun to play in the space and do your own thing, and Dunmeshi has deliciously efficient story telling; there is so much empty space to play in
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A comprehensive compilation of why Severus Snape is an awful person that doesn’t deserve redemption, pity, or any kindness ever (not in any particular order):
- He is obsessed with the Marauders when they are younger, and tries to compare their antics to the actions of very real, blood supremacist, dark magic-using bullies that Snape was hanging out with and found amusing. (Edit: I’m adding that I’m not saying James and Sirius were right in their actions, I’m simply pointing that Snape wasn’t either. This post isn’t about the marauders, this is about Snape)
(DH, The Prince’s Tale, p673-674, Arthur A. Levine Books edition)
“‘They sneak out at night. There’s something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?’ ‘He’s ill,’ said Lily. “They said he’s ill—’ “Every month at the full moon?’ said Snape. ‘I know your theory,’ said Lily and she sounded cold. ‘Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they’re doing at night?’”
- Snape was very clearly trying to out Remus and actively trying to prove his case about knowing Remus was a werewolf. (More on this later)
-Calls Lily a mudblood, and then tries to excuse his actions. Then Lily says “...you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?” Snape says absolutely nothing to defend himself on this statement, so we can only assume that it is accurate and he commonly uses a slur to describe other students around him.
-We know Snape invented Levicorpus, which we later see James use. How do you think James learned it if not because Severus had used it on him or another student before? We even see Snape use Sectumsempra on James. Sectumsempra, aka the spell capable of cutting someone open and leaving them to bleed to death. This is the kind of experimentation Snape did with Dark Magic.
-Snape was willing to sacrifice the life of a BABY without a second thought until he discovered that the child was Lily’s. Even after this, he prioritizes Lily’s life and isn’t concerned whatsoever about the life of Harry, who at this time is less than a year old.
-If Voldemort had decided that Neville was the Chosen One instead of Harry, Severus Snape would still be a death eater. He didn’t think being a Death Eater was wrong in any way- it wasn’t until he was directly affected by a childhood crush did he reconsider. James and Lily Potter fought for the light because they believed in the light. Severus Snape fought against the dark because the dark had offended him. Had Voldemort gone after the Longbottoms instead, Snape would have lived and died as the most loyal Death Eater in history. Edit: I understand that we can say ‘if’ all day long. The point here I’m trying to make is that Severus Snape is only supporting the light side because it benefits him in this situation. I’m simply pointing out that he’s selfish by nature.
-The prophecy states that the child will be born to parents that have thrice defied the Dark Lord. So therefore Lily in some way defied Voldemort 3 other times. And only now Snape wants to save her? No. It has more to do with the guilt he’s feeling for telling Voldemort about the prophecy. It wasn’t her death that phased him as much as how he’d feel if he caused her death.
-Snape hates Harry simply for the fact that Harry looks like his father. Have you ever considered how Harry would’ve been treated if he’d been a girl that looked like Lily? Edit: I AM NOT INSINUATING ANYTHING PEDOPHILIC. I am making the point that when Harry come to school, Snape saw him and recognized his childhood bully, and instead of making the mature decision and not making judgments about Harry beforehand, he just assumes that Harry will be like his father was in school. If Harry had looked like Lily, Snape would’ve been more inclined to favor him the way he did Draco or Pansy. Not in a creepy way, just in a confirmation-bias kind of way.
-Severus snape once intended to publicly kill a student’s pet as punishment for getting a potion wrong. This pet was also a gift to Neville from his Uncle for getting into Hogwarts- something that his family didn’t think would happen because he wasn’t “magic enough”. So to him- Trevor is a reminder that he is a wizard and that his family is proud of him. Then Snape wants to kill him because Neville got a potion wrong, reinforcing the idea that Neville isn’t “magic enough”.
-When Snape covers for Lupin's class (told you we’d be back here), Snape taught the DADA class and made all the students write essays on how to kill werewolves so that Lupin would have to read these when he came back from going through an incredibly painful time.
-Snape did everything in his power to get Remus fired despite the fact that Remus had spent 16+ years pretty much homeless and without a job.
(OotP, Percy and Padfoot, p302, Arthur A Levine Books edition)
“‘I know she’s a nasty piece of work, though—you should hear Remus talk about her.’ ‘Does Lupin know her?’ asked Harry quickly, remembering Umbridge’s comments about dangerous half-breeds during her first lesson. ‘No,’ said Sirius, ‘but she drafted up a bit of anti-werewolf legislation two years ago that makes it almost impossible for him to get a job.’”
Edit: So let’s do some basic math here. This happens in Order of the Phoenix. The anti-werewolf legislation was written two years prior. This would’ve been during or around The Prisoner of Azkaban. Why would somebody randomly write a piece of legislation like this? Let’s just say that there was a teacher that was outed as a werewolf and people were not happy about it. That would give pretty good reason for someone to write a piece of legislation that would make it hard for a werewolf to get a job. Not just Remus. Every werewolf. Who outed Remus to the wizarding world at large? Severus Snape. So for anyone suggesting that what I wrote below is as good as fanfiction, maybe actually read the books and pay attention to smaller plot lines.
-When Snape tells everyone that Remus is a werewolf, he’s not just telling students or their parents. He’s telling the wizarding world. Because of this, Dolores Umbridge wrote a law that made it almost impossible for Remus to find a job. So not only did he ruin Remus’s life. He ruined the life of Every. Single. Werewolf. in the UK.
-Neville Longbottom’s greatest fear is Severus Snape. Not the woman who tortured his parents into insanity, not the worst wizard of all time, not even any of his other followers. His TEACHER. And this is at an age where Neville doesn’t know everything about Snape and all he’s done. That speaks VOLUMES.
-Condones and takes part in bullying a CHILD when Hermione had enormous teeth EXTENDING PAST HER CHIN growing because of a hex, Snape says, “I see no difference.” After this, Hermione permanently modifies her teeth.
(HBP, Snape Victorious, p160, Arthur A Levine Books edition)
“‘I was interested to see your Patronus.’ He shut the gates in her face with a loud clang and tapped the chains with his wand again, so that they slithered, clinking, back into place. ‘I think you were better off with the old one,’ said Snape, the malice in his voice unmistakable. ‘The new one looks weak.’”
-Mocks Tonks when her Patronus changed when she fell in love with Remus despite the fact that his changed to match Lily’s.
-“Snape took the page bearing Lily’s signature, and her love, and tucked it inside his robes. Then he ripped in two the photograph he was holding, so that he kept the part from which Lily laughed, throwing the portion showing James and Harry back on the floor, under the chest of drawers…” She was laughing at her husband and son. People she loved dearly enough to give up her life and Snape took that and cut them out of it so he could pretend she was laughing for him. Her love in the letter was for Sirius who was the best man at her wedding and her good friend in the order. Snape took that so he could pretend her love was for him. This isn’t romantic. It’s creepy. Snape feels entitled to Lily’s love even though he’s done nothing to deserve it.
-The ONLY reason Snape protects Harry is that he’s under an obligation to by Dumbledore (who is blackmailing him, so Snape doesn’t have a choice). Snape isn’t doing it because he wants to. He’s doing it because if he doesn’t, Dumbledore could sell him out to Voldemort and he’d be killed.
-Again, when he kills Dumbledore, it’s not out of the kindness of his heart or his care for Dumbledore. It’s because he’ll be killed or severely punished if he doesn’t.
-Snape may have done good things, but it isn’t because he wants to. It’s because he doesn’t have a choice.
Essentially, at his roots, Snape is a self-centered blood supremacist who bullies people and only does good things when being threatened and emotionally abuses children because he can’t get over somebody he was attracted to in middle school and is perfectly fine killing adults and infants alike when it’s in his best interest.
I’d like to say that much of this is heavily borrowed or inspired by other writers on this app. I have tagged every user I have access to. However, if you see anything you have written on here or anything please feel free to message me or leave a comment. :)
@sadgaywerewolf @mrsmarymorstan @jamespotterwearsglasses @lance-the-kanto-dragon-master @coffeeinanebula @warmhappycat @pleurocoelus @madamebomb @thefingerfuckingfemalefury @whoopsrobots @harrypotterconfessions @beekeepermarycatherine @honeybadgersdontgiveashit @tonksnymphadora @barricadeponine @jadedlights07 @dobbysclothes @hogwartsandrec @kago-make-dean-some-pie @prongsmydeer @girlswillbeboys11 @siriusblaque @upsettingthedementors @marauders4evr @maxxiegalaxy @ghost-of-bambi
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malxshrine · 3 months
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𝘼 𝘽𝙄𝙏 𝙊𝙁 𝙇𝙊𝙍𝙀 . . .
one thing that I like to say about Sukuna is that he's capable of absolutely anything , so when people say he is incapable of a thing or incapable specifically of good feelings , happy feelings , goodness is that it's not true. as with anyone else , he is very capable. and even if someone where to say that curses are said to not be able to experience the full spectrum of emotion , I'd like to casually point out that Sukuna could be considered a bit of an outlier when it comes to curses and their make. Sukuna chooses to be unstirred and apathetic to it. he chooses to regard his vessel with that same apathy and disdain simply because he won't allow himself get closer to him in any shape or form. he doesn't want to. doesn't need to. therefore , he will not. he won't sympathize with him , won't see him as anything worthwhile , and he won't coddle him; and it is by choice not inability that he does.
from my lore point of view , Sukuna is in a nexus between being a pseudo-curse and being other. this pseudo-curse state is attributed to certain factors.
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when one thinks of the Shinto gods and their demons , thinks of Hindu gods and demons , thinks of angels and demons there's a common theme between them. the common theme being that one is the other with different goals, different alignments, different desires. the same could theoretically be attributed sorcerer and curse. two sides of a coin that often switch and often intermingle in very obvious and sometimes very exotic ways to say the least. in Shinto beliefs , it's often said that every creature , ESPECIALLY the divine , is given to habits , tendencies , rites. whatever you want to call it: they can SEEN in ways other mythologies don't often give insight into beings that shouldn't be able to be pinpointed. but they can be. it's very often that nothing ever happens for no reason at all. like the rituals their priests and priestesses perform , the rites they read , and the very specific way they go about observing religious practices that their deities are not too far from this ritualistic clockwork of the way they function.
I choose to integrate the belief in this context that demons are just that because they're the divine that rejects natural order: the world's natural order , the universes natural order , or even their own natural state or order. in doing so , they do very little and practice a bit of futility in their actions. they simply follow another natural order , another rhythm , and they're just a seen and visible as they were before. perhaps , they become even more predictable and cycle driven. they expose themselves to all the ways men know to trick and trap , to bend and mold , to ambitiously exercise or control. if they look too closely , they might realize it's not too hard to do the same to the angels and the divine period.
now , what does this have to do with Sukuna? I formed his origin story from the myth and folklore part of Sukuna. two people , extreme hardships , deformed , and sharing two middle ribs between the two. interweaving that with the mythology part of it. two become one through ritual , through playing with things not understood , and that gives birth to the Sukuna we know.
if it's so easy to get exorcism , banishment , and control down to a science almost , what truly stops those from being performed on the smaller divine that forms from every concept available? why would any one of them live truthfully with that notion? why would anyone reveal source , function , habit , tendencies to be picked apart and become KNOWN ? Sukuna like a bad itch so deep in the skin that digging his nails in won't satisfy it doesn't advertise his true nature.
there is visible abhorrence to being thought of as godly , as divine , in certain ways. while he will draw comparison to his body , his fingers , as being like the body of Christ to be eaten by the weak and the meek because they simply cannot. he would never outright reference himself in such a way that it would even creep into someone's mind that he could be. there's a sense of “oh , he's full of shit and so is anyone that would believe he could be” for that reason alone. an inability to deny and no desire whatsoever to confirm it is his modus. letting men draw conclusions and form their own hypothesis , because they'll likely be incomplete or just plain wrong.
a curse is but a hop, skip, and a jump away when certain energies and the ability to manipulate them very, very well. a pseudo-curse existence that cannot be truly comprehended , because the questions asked are all the wrong one's and the steps taken against him are not completely correct.
one thing that should be noted is that he isn't a demon specifically because he doesn't necessarily reject his actual rhythms , his natural orders , or his governances. as a being associated with wrath , calamity , and destruction it's well within his rites to be just on the wrong side of morality as it would be to be good. there's a sense of “fate bore me this way in conjunction with who I am and who I will always be”. while he may have a sense of boredom for society and people that he would choose to outright reject certain things about it , there's no sense of fight toward fate itself. if anything , there's a staunch , very amused alluding to the likelihood of fate and karma being cruel mistresses. there is an alluding to the fact he will likely lose at some point as Sukuna the curse , but that he would inevitably return and return and return again as calamitous Sukuna. they're doomed by fate to weather their own sin of having created him and he's blessed in his own way by it.
it should be noted that anyone who invoked certain rites that all things of this nature must adhere , would receive a different sort of Sukuna. one that must reward those that tread his rites carefully , call upon him specific sphere of influence , and be careful to make sure they keep a tight hold on it or suffer a being that dislikes being so seen. dislikes being known. dislikes thinking that he could be reduced down to a formula in a way of speaking. it's true for curses in a way , it's true for the demonic in a way , and it's true for Gods and their ilk. but having that element of human freedom there is enough to slip many a chain and jail , there's little left in him , but there's just enough for someone to have to remain vigilant for the rest of their lives to keep him moving on their very limited , very loophole ridden path they set.
dealing with curses , demons , angels , and gods should always be thought of like dealing with djinn and their wishes. they'll trick you , deceive you , try to trip you up , they'll test you , put you through hell and back , and it's likely they'll succeed in some form or fashion. deal with them sparingly and straight forward , be smart , be cautious , and approach humbly. pride never bodes well.
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peter-author · 1 year
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An Abortion Perspective
Let me state, from the outstart, that people are entitled to their beliefs, their wishes, and their emotional responses to what are serious issues. I do have a slight problem with some religious interpretations on scripture which are imposed on others. While I accept that all religions are based on faith and the interpretation of faith in scriptures (in one form or another), and that followers of those faiths are entitled, perhaps directed, to actually think and evaluate scriptures’ meanings as humanity evolves, I do feel sometimes the zealot’s approach to absolutism of such interpretation leads to wrong thinking.
The abortion issue is a serious one, never least for the unfortunate woman finding herself in such a dilemma. Leaving aside the science, medical fact, of what pregnancy is as opposed to the extension of a candlelight dinner, there are times when conception is unwarranted, undesired, and even forced – accidental or not. At that moment, the decision and responsibility of being pregnant is the woman’s and the woman’s alone.
Gisèle Halimi’s plea in defense of Marie-Claire Chevalier, 16, who had an illegal abortion, 1972: “Women appear before men... And to talk about what? Probes, uteruses, bellies, pregnancies and abortions! Would you not agree that this is already where the fundamental and intolerable injustice lies? That these women have to appear before men?”
If the woman wishes to discuss her pregnancy with her family, her religious guide, her doctor, or even her partner, the fact is any opinion on her pregnancy remains hers – physically and physiologically. Reality check: only the woman is pregnant. Men who go around saying, “We’re pregnant,” really should reevaluate their self-importance and ego. Similarly, men should have nothing whatsoever to say about a woman’s body, her right to choose, nor her motherhood. The abortion issue comes down to fundamental tenets: Women are born capable of pregnancy, women are raised to believe they should become mothers, and so women are, in fact, indentured to become mothers.
At that abortion trial in France, Simone de Beauvoir testified: “The law is set up to oppress women…. They must be conditioned. Maternity is exalted because… instead of telling a little two-, three-, or four-year-old girl, “You will be destined to wash dishes,” she is told, “You will be destined to be a mommy.” She is given dolls, and maternity is exalted so that when she becomes a young woman, she thinks of only one thing: to get married and have children. She has been convinced that she will not be a complete woman if she does not have children…. Therefore, women must be enslaved to maternity. If they at least had the freedom to be mothers when they wanted to, how they wanted to, planning the births of children, it would leave them a lot of freedom on all levels… such a feeling of guilt has been put into the hearts of women that abortion becomes something traumatizing for them, as would not be the case at all if it took place under legal conditions. It is not at all a question of a procedure that automatically traumatizes women. It is a procedure that is traumatizing only insofar as [women] have been conditioned to make maternity into a veritable calling…. I am actively fighting for their freedom: freedom to choose motherhood, contraception, or abortion. The fanatics are those mothers who refuse to accept that someone might follow a path other than their own.”
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ha-hatdog · 4 years
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little one / daisuke kambe
i definitely did not swoon while writing this. again, i did not know if you wanted hcs or one shot but i'll go with one shot. this is a good time to post this since the latest episode showed pics of smol daisuke omg. also, the name of your son is kakeru - yes, as in kakeru from run with the wind lmao
and to those who are saying i should add read more to my long fics, i really want to but i don't have a laptop or computer. i write everything on my phone, on the tumblr app. so if you know how to add read more in posts using the app, then please do dm me. thank chu💛
requested by anon: one where daisuke and reader have a two year old son together? lots of fluff
UNEDITED
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Your palm concealed your amused lips, a snort emanating from your wrinkled nose as you took in the sight before you.
Kambe Daisuke was a man of little words and little expressions, and even now, after being married to you for four years and having a son who was now at the age of two, that has not changed. He was still the stoic and cool detective millionaire you have met many years ago - which is exactly what makes the unfolding scene before you much more hilarious.
Monotonous Daisuke, the same man you had seen take down criminals twice his size, was haphazardly sprawled on your carpeted ground, arms and legs outstretched, cheek pressed flat against the material of the carpet as a smaller and cuter carbon copy of him perched comfortably on his back, oblivious to the position he had set his father on, doing nothing but lie down on his father's back and sleep soundly, eyes closed, snoring and wearing such an adorable sleeping face that it was difficult not to coo.
The sight alone was already adorably hilarious, but seeing the genuine distress on Daisuke's face had you doubling over, your palm muffling your laughter.
"Look at you," You whispered at him by the doorframe, your knees bent and your other hand sliding along the frame of the door. "You look so dumb, Daisuke."
"I'm happy at least you find this amusing, but I do not." Your husband responded back in an ired puff, azure eyes glaring at you from the floor. It took all of you not to swoon.
"Don't look at me like that, my love. I can't take you seriously when our son is using you as a mattress." Daisuke's glare intensified, but as your previous statement suggested, all purpose of threat was dulled by the position he was in. "How did you even get yourself in this situation?"
"I find it unnecessary to tell you." Answered Daisuke, and from how his cheeks tinged red, you could only assume it was something embarassing. "Will you help me, love? Take Kakeru off of my back."
You shifted your gaze back to your slumbering son, and a fond smile sprouted on your brims.
Sometimes you wonder how you were even able to make this precious, big eyed, nuzzling baby. He was an exact copy of Daisuke, not a single hint of your genes. Blank face, quiet, raven hair, blue eyes, the little shine in his eyes whenever he saw you - it was like seeing Daisuke when he was a child, and it was because of this fact that you were at least feeling a little bit alright with your son having no semblance with you.
"Kakeru," You whispered to your son as you stepped closer to your best boys with quiet footfalls, and he scrunched his face ay the brief interruption of your cooing voice. You stopped yourself from squishing his cute little face, and knelt down beside them. "Kake -"
Your sentence was cut off when you felt a hand under your knee. Immediately, Daisuke retracted his hand away, hurling your way a soft glare. "Watch where your knee is going."
You chuckled at his dilemma and reached down to stroke his head. "Mattresses don't talk, Daisuke."
"Normal people don't talk to mattresses." Countered Daisuke, huffing and averting his gaze away from you. You stifled your laughter as his pout grew more prominent. It might be very obvious already with how Daisuke has everything handed over to him with a single breath, but your husband absolutely hated losing in any forms ; even in your daily banter, he must always have the last word. People often mistakenly thought that you, being his darling wife that he had persistently courted for a whole year, would be exempted to this childish pettiness you consistently deny her allegations, firmly believing you were receiving the worse end of it. This man cannot forget the times you have successfully reigned victory over his own game, months or weeks, it never failed to be permanently ingrained in his mind ; and this resulted to puzzling moments which goes by a chronological sequence - a relatively normal day, an opportunity to divulge the opening you have unknowingly presented before his feet, and then comes his last word, to which he will remind you as your confused face stared back at him when his out of the blue statement has originally birthed from.
However, there was only one person who could defeat him at that, would never let him get the last word and that is your son Kakeru. As you stared at his sleeping face, you cannot help but smile as you reminiscent that particular day.
***
Haru Kato has been invited to your house to meet Kambe Kakeru. Daisuke has been mildly cross with Haru meeting his son because he was petty and said that Kakeru needed no other man than him but seeing that Daisuke has become good friends with Haru in the two years they were partners, you insisted that he meets him. It was already unfair that Haru had to wait until Kakeru was two to meet him, the first and last time he saw him being after you had given birth (Daisuke only let him have a glimpse then pushed him out of the hospital room because he doesn't want Kakeru thinking he was his father).
"Kakeru," You chided as you crouched beside your son who was hiding behind Daisuke's legs and peering at the gray haired male, eyes curious yet cautious. "Don't you want to meet Uncle Haru?"
Haru stepped closer to the three of you, bent down near Kakeru's height, and outstretched his hand for him to shake. "Hey there, Kakeru." Haru greeted with a smile.
Kakeru recoiled and hid himself further behind Daisuke, hands around his pants tightening. "Daddy," He whimpered. "Bad man."
Haru's face fell at the enunciation, and you covered your mouth to keep yourself from laughing. Daisuke stared blankly at Haru as his hand travelled behind his back to stroke Kakeru's head. "You heard my son. Get out of here, bad man." Daisuke uttered his command.
A tick mark appeared on Haru's forehead at Daisuke's vocalization and before things could escalate out of the power of your responsibility, you interjected, regaiming your proper posture and clasping your hands together. "Kakeru is just wary of Haru because this is the first time he's seeing him, no need to fight." You told them off.
"No, Haru is just naturally scary." Daisuke stated with bantering finality.
"This is coming from a man who barely smiles." Argued Haru, scowling.
"And this is coming from someone who seems to be making a living screaming at me." Countered Daisuke.
Kakeru's eyes widened at what his father had said and shot Haru a small glare, yet his stance never wavered from its hiding place. "He screams at daddy . . . " Murmured Kakeru in a thoughtful trance, and pointed at Haru, shocking all three of you. "D-Don't scream at daddy again!"
Alarm made its way to Haru's facr at the accusation. "No, I have not once yelled at your dad - "
Daisuke turned around and knelt in front of Kakeru. Daisuke stared into his son's eyes and Kakeru stared back. "Don't listen to him, Kakeru. You should never listen to him, never ever. He makes daddy get all angry when we're doing police missions together."
"O-Oi," Haru inserted, fuming. "You're the one who always makes me mad! Don't turn the child on me!"
But Kakeru was not listening to Haru, as his beloved father has told him. Kakeru nodded firmly, lips curling. "Yes, daddy." He vouched in determination.
"Daisuke, stop it." You chastised, sighing and turned to the other detective that was not using your son to his advantage. "Sorry about this, Haru. Kakeru really looks up to Daisuke so he does anything he tells him to."
Kakeru, all of a sudden, began trotting away from the three of you, leaving all of you confused. After a few minutes, Kakeru returned, a determined look on his face.
"Kakeru, sweetheart, where did you go?" You asked as you approached him. "It's rude to leave our guest hanging, you know."
"Fight bad man," You and Haru gasped in horror when your son suddenly brandished a gun to Haru, not just a toy, but a real one. His tiny hands trembled as he was not used to the weight of the metal weapon burdening his grasp, and he was still glaring at Haru. "I pew pew bad guy, mommy, like daddy do with bad guys!"
"Kakeru, where did you get that gun?" You questioned, alarmed and and genuinely frightened. You looked to your husband to assess his reaction, but much to your mortification, Daisuke looked calm as he always is, as if your son wasn't capable of hurting a person as of the moment. "Daisuke, what the hell?"
You let out a yelp when Kakeru turned to you, and in the process, turned the gun to you. "Bad word, Mommy." He scolded. "I don't like."
Daisuke drawled. "It's not a big deal."
Haru growled. "Your son has a weapon! How are you not freaking out?" He then turned to Kakeru and extended his hand. "Give me the gun, Kakeru. Give it."
But Kakeru shook his head defiantly. "No!"
Daisuke frowned at his wife and his partner. "Why are you making a big fuss about this?" He questioned. "It's unloaded and the safety is on."
At the mention of those, you and Haru felt a brief sense of relief until Haru spoke out, "Just because it's unloaded doesn't mean it's okay!"
"It's basically a toy." Retorted Daisuke.
You walked towards your husband and pulled at his ear. His face did not at all change, seemingly expecting this reaction from you. "Daisuke, where did he even get the gun? Has one of yours been just lying around his reach?" This concerned you. If your son was able to get a weapon easily, what more is your husband letting him get?
"I gave him one." Answered Daisuke.
"And why would you give our two year old a gun?" You snapped at him.
"Kakeru said he wanted to hold a gun. Just like you, I said no." Daisuke glanced over at Kakery who was watching the three of you curiously. "However - " He turned back to you, and looked away. " - he's too adorable, as you might say."
You and Haru, in unison, slapped your hands to your forehead, exasperated with Daisuke's response.
"Kakeru probably looked sad when Daisuke said no." Haru remarked. "I can't blame him to be honest."
"He's spoiling him in ways too many." You added, and removed your hand from your forehead. "Daisuke, I know you love our son and pampering him but he can't just have a gun."
"Why, mommy?" You all looked at Kakeru, and immediately understood why Daisuke was forced to give him an unloaded gun. "Not love me?"
"A-Ah," You shrieked, horrified. "The secret move!"
Haru gulps. "This boy knows a little too much about his abilities."
"Even if it doesn't have any bullets?" Daisuked asked you.
You hurtled him a glower. "Even if it doesn't have any bullets and yes, even if it has the safety lock on." You immediately added when you saw Daisuke open his mouth.
Said man huffed. "Fine. If I knew you were going to react like this, I wouldn't have done it."
You and Haru watched as Daisuke knelt down in front of your son. Kakeru stared at his father, eyes wide and admiring. Daisuke lets out a sigh and extended his palm, "Give."
Kakeru shook his head vigorously, and his face scrunched as if he was going to cry but was trying to suppress it. "Daddy no love me too?"
You waited for what Daisuke would do, but he did not move. More seconds has passed, and he was yet to move. You and Haru exchanged glances before you moved over to him, checking him out. "Daisuke, love, what - Daisuke?"
A torn man was what Daisuke coukd be called at that moment. His face was deadpanned, but being with him longer than anyone else, you were able to pick up the small difference his expression held right now.
"U-Uh, Daisuke, are you okay?" You questioned in a form of a titter, eyebrows connected. "Daisuke?"
Haru walked over to Daisuke and leaned to look at him. "A-Ah, he looks like he's suffering."
"No, no," Denied Daisuke, frown deepening as he tried not to fall for his son's adorable trap. "Daddy loves you. But mommy and I agreed that you can't have that kind of toy, Kakeru."
"But," You all drew in a breath Kakeru hugged the gun to his chest, tears prodding the corners of his eyes. "My favorite toy is this."
"But why that, baby?" You asked softly. "You have so many other toys. Why that one?" You recalled the heaping amount of toys Daisuke bought for Kakeru.
Kakeru pouted, cheeks puffing. You couldn't help but imagine little Daisuke like that. "Because Daddy gave me this." Said Kakeru. "I want to be police, like daddy."
Daisuke turned to you, the internal struggle in his eyes prominent but you shook your head at him. Your husband sighed and looked at Kakeru again. He put his hand on top his head and ruffled his hair. Kakeru closed his eyes at the affection, welcoming it and his rigid frame loosening. Kakeru opened his eyes and let out a small noise of surprise as Daisuke wiped a stray tear from his cheek.
From what you can deduce, you knew Daisuke was about to say something brilliant to your son, to teach him something valuable. But before Daisuke could even open his mouth, Haru cut him off -
"A gun doesn't make a cop, Kakeru. It's the sense of justice to do the right thing and keeping people safe does." Haru then proceeded to take out his badge and handing it to Kakeru with a large smile on his face. "You can borrow this for a while, while I'm still here. As much as I want to give it to you, I need it to do my job as a cop. But maybe in the future, you can get one of your own. You'll be just like your dad."
You were impressed by what Haru had said, but Kakeru - his eyes were wide and glittering with admiration as he stared at Haru, all fear of the bad man gone. You swear that there was light all around Haru if you're ever seeing through Kakeru's eyes. But one member of the group disliked this mild change, and it was your irritated and pouting husband.
You covered your mouth to keep yourself from laughing. Daisuke was obviously feeling jealous of Haru now that his son was ignoring him - the emotion only worsening when Kakeru took the badge from Haru and dropped the gun on the ground and stared at the shiny object, whispering, "Uwahh,"
A cloud of dread hung over Daisuke and you patted his back in comfort. "There, there, Daisuke, he's just making a friend."
"But why with Haru?" Grumbled Daisuke, sulking. "And why is he looking at him like that? I should be the only one he's looking at like that. You too, I guess."
You let out a sigh. "You're really jealous when it comes to me and Kakeru."
Haru looked proud of the achievement and improvement he had made with Kakeru, his hands over his hips. "Looks pretty cool, right?"
Kakeru nodded enthusiastically, examining the badge thoroughly. "Very cool." He murmured, and then stared at Haru intently, lips pursing. "I wanna be like Mister Haru when I grow up!"
That was the first time you have seen Daisuke speechless and the last time Haru had seen Kakeru for six months. You were certain Daisuke did not speak to Haru for about two weeks, only communicating through nods and grunts, and Haru did not know whether to feel relieved or irritated at that. Maybe a little bit of both.
But, that was the only time Daisuke did not have the last word.
Kakeru certainly has Daisuke around his little finger.
***
You reached forward and shook Kakeru awake softly. "Kakeru," You chimed, and he scrunched his face again, not wanting to be disturbed sleeping on Daisuke's back. "Wake up, baby,"
Kakeru let out a small groan, and slowly opened his eyes. A familiar pair of blue hues greeted you, the same eyes that you wake up to every morning. Kakeru let out a big yawn and rubbed his left eye with his hand, groaning out, "Mommy," He then looked down at Daisuke who was craning his head to watch his son. "And Daddy."
You smiled at him and opened your arms, hands making grabby movements towards your two year old. "Come here, baby," You cooed sweetly.
Kakeru perked up and a glimmer crossed his eyes, the same glimmer when Daisuke had seen you for the first time. You could never forget that time, and you can never find it more beautiful than seeing that in your son's eyes whenever you offer him affection. Immediately, the two year old scrambled out of Daisuke's back - Daisuke grunted as his little feet padded on his back a few times as he struggled to get to your lap and arms - and sunk in your embrace. Your eyes grew gentler as Kakeru snuggled closer to your chest, cheek rubbing on your clothing and his hands clinging to the fabric.
"Are you tired, baby?" You questioned as you stroked the back of his head, finger running over his hair.
Kakeru nodded tiredly. "Daddy played cops and robbers with me."
"Let me guess, you were the cop and he was the robber?" You commented.
"Yes, and I captured Daddy many, many times." Answered Kakeru, proud with himself.
"Oh, is that so? That's amazing, baby. You're going to be a great cop like Daddy." You then turned over to Daisuke who was now recovering from being used as a bed. He dusted himself as he sat properly on the ground in front of you. "Is that why you were under him? Because you were arrested?"
Daisuke looked away. "I think I need to teach him how to properly apprehend a criminal."
You giggled. "When he's older, Daisuke."
He faced you with a sharp twist of his face, expression determined. "He won't grow older."
You frowned. "What?"
You and Daisuke looked down to see Kakeru fighting the need to sleep, his eyes opening and closing.
"I don't . . . " Daisuke trailed off, and a trace of embarassment scrawled on his face. You rarely see your husband embarassed and so you waited for him to continue. " . . . I don't want Kakeru to grow up."
You shook your head lightly, smile broadening. "Daisuke," You whispered, and when he did not look at you, you called him again. "Love, look at me."
He did so, and with one hand, you cradled his face. "I know how you feel. I understand where you're coming from. But - " You mused. " - don't you want to see our son grow up to be a fine man? To be the person he aspires to be? To be like you?"
Daisuke stares back at you, and took a gander at Kakeru who was beginning to fall asleep. He lets out a sigh and nodded in agreement, "I guess that would be pleasant to see."
"And he'll marry a great girl." You added.
"Marry mommy," Kakeru drawled. He was forcing himself to stay awake but his eyes was not cooperating with his spirits.
Daisuke scooted closer to both of you and brushed his knuckles on Kakeru's forehead. "Marry mommy? You're going to take mommy away from me?"
Kakeru shook his head. "Marry someone like mommy," One of his hand extended and took hold of Daisuke's shirt, the other still clinging to you. Kakeru looked up at both of you, still comfortable in your lap and chest. His eyes, again, were bright. "I want family like me, and mommy, and daddy."
Warmth swathed your chest, your heart melting. You took a gander to Daisuke and saw that the expression he wore - love, care, and the promise of sacrifice when it comes to it and when he looked at you, the emotions never faltered, and they only grew stronger. Sometimes you wonder just how much Daisuke loved you and Kakeru.
"A family like the three of us." Kakeru let go of your clothing and showed three fingers of his and quickly pressed the three digits together. "A happy family."
Kakeru fell asleep after his statement. His arm dropped and his head moved to one side, his eyes closed and lips parted.
"We should tuck him in." Daisuke declared.
"Yeah," You agreed and Daisuke helped you stand up, making sure you two aren't waking your sleeping son. You moved him to his bed, setting him down the mattress gently. Daisuke took the liberty of putting the blanket over Kakeru. Your child shifted in his spot, and cuddled to his pillow.
You sat on the bed beside Kakeru, observing your son. "Already tired when the morning has just barely started." You chuckled.
"He said he needed practice to be a cop, and I couldn't say no." Daisuke inserted.
"You can never say no to Kakeru anyways." You jested.
"Same with you." Daisuke knelt down beside the bed, arms resting on the mattress and his head level with his son's. He admired Kakeru, his deadpan expression gone and a small smile on his face. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Kakeru's cheek, lingering for a while before pulling away.
Daisuke faced you and you raised an eyebrow as he took your hand.
"You have given me a beautiful son. Thank you so much, my love."
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quasimyth · 2 years
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On Redeemability
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Because there’s nothing I like more than a good well-written villain redemption arc…but my answer on this topic may surprise you.
So. If you’ve read anything on my blog, you should know that I portray both Volo and Cyrus as incredibly tragic. Both of them did what they did because of eldritch madness; Cyrus’ situation in particular was unfortunate because he was caught in a fight between two people who never truly cared about him since birth, and his inability to cope with the truth about this led to his downfall. If you know me, you know that I love finding a path to healing and redemption for those with tragic lives, and you may be wondering how I’ll be handling Volo and Cyrus’ narrative arcs. My stance is the same on both: Both can be redeemed, but only partway.
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Let’s start with Cyrus first, because a Cyrus redemption arc--even a partway one--is something I bet none of you ever saw coming. Like. Let me be clear, his reputation in the Pokémon world will NEVER be rehabilitated. But I’m going to be honest with you all, the reason why I’m giving him at least some hope of healing is because of the circumstances into which he was placed--and the fact he never would have committed his evil acts outside them. 
This guy literally had the truth forced on him by both sides of the Arceus vs. Giratina war, frying his brain so bad that it turned him into an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON. Though his actions were far more heinous than Volo’s, he was actually less at fault for them than Volo was for his because Volo willingly sought the truth that drove him mad--whereas Cyrus never asked for any of this at all. Literally, if you go on springhole.net’s “Is This My Character’s Fault?” guide, Cyrus’ path--at least before he sealed away his positive emotions--is Character was in an altered state of consciousness --> Did not choose to enter this altered state of consciousness --> Your character had no control over what happened and therefore is not at fault. Now, Team Galactic absolutely still was his fault, because he sealed away the emotions that caused him to have doubts for his evil acts. But turning into someone who was more inclined toward evil was definitely NOT his fault--and therefore, in my narrative, he gets the chance to quietly improve.
However. His redemption arc will never be complete because he no longer has the ability to feel remorse. I went back and forth a little about whether this should affect his redeemability, because after all, people with ASPD and NPD sometimes don’t experience remorse, and I wouldn’t hold that against them if they ever apologized for a terrible act and strove to improve. But this is something I can absolutely hold against Cyrus, because whereas someone with ASPD/NPD didn’t ask to have no remorse, Cyrus DELIBERATELY removed his ability to have remorse. So while he is definitely capable of certain improvements in his outlook and behaviors, he will never actually regret anything he did. And even as his positive emotions return in muted forms, he will never be able to feel enough remorse to cover the sheer scope of his villainous acts.
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The best Cyrus can hope for in terms of redemption and healing is being allowed to start over in another universe where Team Galactic never existed. He’s done too many awful things in this world for him to ever truly be a part of it again--the amount of people and Pokémon he killed as leader of Team Galactic would have been immense, and the amount of communities he destroyed would have been immense as well. What’s worse was the way he led Team Galactic: I headcanon he literally lied to them that they would be the only ones surviving the apocalypse he created, when really he planned to kill everybody and be the sole survivor of this world ruling the new one as a god. And that’s to say nothing of what he did to @risingxglory’s Mars--horrible abuse and manipulation, all for the sake of molding her into the best Team Galactic admin at the terribly young age of 12…
So yeah. If he wants to start over, he really has to start over, giving up his attachments to the world he helped ruin and moving on to something entirely new. At the very least, he can be trusted not to destroy the world he goes to--he only wanted to destroy this one because he saw horrific cosmic truths about it, and assuming the other reality doesn’t meet such terrible conditions, he’ll cause no problems with it whatsoever. In fact, considering how deeply he feels that this world is beyond hope, going to an entirely different world in which he can have hope is his only option to achieve any form of mental stability.
Even if he has a second chance at life though, he’ll never have a second chance at living a wholly healed one. His positive emotions can come back in some form, but they will never fully return, and thus he’ll always have some aspect of emotional deadness to him. I once watched a documentary about drug addiction in which a former addict’s brain got damaged so badly that even 10+ years later she couldn’t even feel happy while watching her baby’s first steps. That’s where Cyrus is at. Actions like his have permanent consequences, and the sad truth of the matter is, he’s fucked his psychology beyond repair and the best he can do is slowly pick up the pieces. He certainly wasn’t the only one to blame for how fucked he got, but things wouldn’t be half as bad--either for himself or for anyone else--if he hadn’t committed that terrible act of self-harm. Even as he finds some measure of peace in a different world, he’s always going to have to live with this irreparable damage, something from which he will never truly move forward…just like all the acts he’s done.
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Now let’s talk about Volo.
I know that redeemed!Volo or “Volo did nothing wrong!” is the most popular take in the fandom, and redeemable/less evil Volo has found some traction in the Pokémon RPC as well. And as much as I like playing fucked up irredeemable assholes, I’m also equally a sucker for any villain that I find redeemable…Hence why I made Volo “right but misguided” in the first place. My take is probably the latest in a long line of people trying to see the good in this guy because he’s popular and a fan favorite. But what I said at the beginning bears repeating: He can be redeemed, but only partway.
First off, we need to talk about his treatment of Cyrus. While he never neglected or physically abused him, his treatment of the guy was still absolutely ATROCIOUS. He literally spent Cyrus’ entire life thinking of him like a body-snatcher had taken his “real” son and who he had to save the “real” Cyrus from--when the kid was right there in front of him, feeling all sorts of insecure about his relationship with his dad. Then he literally forced the Truth of the universe on Cyrus because he was using Cyrus against Arceus, thus contributing to Cyrus’ fucked-upness. He can absolutely be persuaded to feel sorry about what he did to Cyrus--I have a spicy plot with @wormdritch​ where their Giratina makes Volo See the Truth of what he did to his son. But the bridge between him and Cyrus will never be repaired, and I think that if many other muses knew just how bad it got, they wouldn’t be forgiving of Volo either.
Then there’s his objective of destroying the world that needs to be addressed. I mentioned before that Cynthia is the only person who Volo has ever felt unconditional love for. I do headcanon that Volo agrees to put aside his ambitions for his daughter, at least for a long while--when she decides she’s going to follow the path of her bio parents and try to metaphysically extract Arceus from the world without destroying it. Unlike her parents, though, she’s not going to accept destroying the world as an “if all else fails” alternative; she stands up to Volo about it and he decides to help her because he can’t bear the thought of her considering him a threat. She is literally the only person he’d do this for. If it were anyone else, even among his own family, he’d just kill them. 
He won’t have a reason to go back to his terrible ways, either. He’s willing to wait a long time to give Cynthia a chance to work things out, once again out of love for his daughter. But even if she doesn’t work something out by the multiple-hundreds-of-years deadline, Giratina will eventually take Cynthia’s side and force Volo to knock it off--or else, like I mentioned in my True Vessels post, they’ll simply rip their power and consciousness from Volo’s body to kill him. But mark my words, even though things wrap up happily here, he’s still not fully redeemable. Why?
Because he will NEVER be sorry for what he did.
As we covered with Cyrus, remorse is a huge part of a character’s redemption. Characters need to face appropriate consequences, demonstrate regret/remorse for their actions, and work to repair the damage they did. And Volo? He’ll just never apologize for trying to destroy the world, no matter how hard you try to drag it out of him. He’s always going to see his actions as “well, it wasn’t ideal, but I did the best I could at the time”--he’ll never see what he did as horrible or particularly worthy of censure. As long as that’s true, a huge piece of his villainy will remain--regardless of how hot he is or how many of his irl fans cry that he didn’t do anything wrong.
There’s another key component of Volo’s redemption arc that might be missing here, and it is appropriate consequences. I can picture some people still liking him because he’s actually done a lot of material good in the world--he’s played a hand in countless revolutions against unjust governments, because he sees the destruction of such a direct form of opposition to Arceus’ tyrannical regime. I can also picture a lot of people liking him because he’s done an immeasurable good to his people in the Griseous Clan--hell, he’s spent the past 400+ years protecting them from genocide. But let’s also be real about one thing. Have you seen the charisma on this guy? He’s a lot like my other muse Lotor in that he’s able to talk his way out of anything. The truth of the matter is, he’s always going to have more of a place in the Pokémon world than Cyrus will because he’s hot and he’s smoother than butter. And that means that as his reputation is restored, not all of it will be deserved--something which he definitely takes advantage of. As long as that’s true, he also can’t be completely redeemed.
IN CONCLUSION
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Redemption arcs go brrrr. Partway redemption arcs go brrr even harder. And boy do I love my villains nice and complex. This has been a PSA by Tian.
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advocaado · 3 years
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Fiction does not exist in a vacuum and absolutely can and does affect reality.
HOWEVER
Before you pin on your thought police badge and march off to start attacking people on the internet for the media they consume and create, let’s take a minute to talk about nuance and identify some actual problematic trends in media which have real life consequences.
The big question you need to ask yourself before you decry a person or piece of media is: Is that person/piece of media promoting, validating, and normalizing trends or acts that hurt real people? Or is that person/piece of media exploring a dark theme in fiction/harmlessly indulging in a kink?
Below are some examples of cases where “problematic” content in fiction is a danger to real life people, and many where it isn’t. This will not be an exhaustive list. I don’t have endless amounts of time to sit here and talk about every problem in fictional media, and even if I did, I wouldn’t, because there are many more things I’d rather do with my time.
Disclaimer: No media is 100% problem free. No human is 100% problem free. Engaging with others online to discuss problems in media is totally fine. If you don’t like something, it’s your god given right to bitch about it. Bitch to your heart’s content. Just don’t be an absolute ass cloak about it.
Example 1: Huckleberry Finn
This book famously contains racism. Is this a problem? No, not really. Listen. This book is literally about how racism is bad. The message is to not be a racist piece of shit. That’s the takeaway. If you got any other message from this book you need to work on your reading comprehension. Books that teach lessons are good things and impact society in positive ways. This book does literally the opposite of normalizing, promoting, and validating racism. It’s taught in schools for this exact reason. It’s not sugarcoated and that’s exactly what makes it powerful.
Example 2: Fairy Tail
The famous complaint about this and other works by Hiro Mashima is that the women are overly sexualized. Over sexualization of women is a big problem in media across the globe, but particularly in the media that comes out of Japan. It’s a problem that absolutely does affect real women. More on that later. But is Mashima really the big perpetuater of the kind of gross male reader voyeurism that has such a fierce grip on the anime industry? Actually, no. Not really. Yes, almost all the female characters in Fairy Tail are hot and have big boobs in a way that appeals to men. However, the lens through which Mashima tells his stories is not voyeuristic. He doesn’t go out of his way to draw panty shots or sexualize female characters nonconsensually. 9 times out of 10 the women are sexy because they want to be and do it in a way that is empowering for them. There are occasional exceptions, but by and large Fairy Tail is not the big offender of female objectification in anime. Moreover, almost all its male characters are hot and have six packs and idol hair in a way that appeals to women. Everyone is hot. There is no deeper meaning here. Enjoy this series if you like to watch hot people having fun and going on adventures together.
Example 3: Goblin Slayer
Oh, boy, Goblin Slayer. Now here’s a can of worms. Many upon many have decried GS for its inclusion of rape scenes and mentions. The goblins in GS have no females of their own species so they must impregnate human women to continue their race. This sounds utterly awful and it is. But is this finally our shining example of a dark theme in fiction that is problematic in a way that is dangerous to real people? Sorry, but no. Firstly, the concept of a fantasy creature who needs to use humans to reproduce was not invented by Kumo Kagyu and is in fact common in folklore around the world. He didn’t make it up as a way to condone rape. Could he have? Sure. But that’s not the reality of the series. The assault by goblins on human women is not treated as a good thing by Kagyu. It is shocking and horrific and has big consequences within the narrative for both the goblins and their victims. It isn’t treated lightly and does not serve to normalize, validate, or promote rape in real life. The reader/viewer is meant to be disgusted by the goblins, and these scenes, which are few and brief, serve their intended purpose. Nobody is going out and assaulting women in real life because they thought it was cool when the goblins did it in GS.
Oh, but Goblin Slayer, I’m not done with you just yet. Because while it would be a huge stretch to label the inclusion of rape in the series a danger to real life people, there’s something else that you don’t need to stretch nearly so much to identify as such. Remember when I talked about the voyeuristic male gaze being a concerning trend in anime? Well, GS has that in spades. The normalization of sexually objectifying women in non sexual situations is very much present in the series. Describing in loving detail the chest size/shape of every female character often and with gusto is a big part of the light novels. Kagyu loves to describe what a girl’s boobs are doing while she’s sitting at a table eating or doing any other mundane thing for no reason other than to sexualize her for the reader. He made the intentional decision to make Sword Maiden, a rape victim, very overtly sexual for the male gaze without the character having any agency in it. Sword maiden isn’t trying to be sexy. She doesn’t own her sexuality. Hell, she’s blind. Being sexy doesn’t empower her. She’s just fap fodder for the male reader. These things normalize objectifying women and are part of a longtime trend in anime which have real world consequences for both women and men. The sexualization of nonconsenting women is a huge problem in Japan and very much promoted through their media. Anime and light novels continue to send and perpetuate the message that objectifying women is okay and natural for boys to do, and while Kagyu certainly isn’t the worst offender, he’s happily hopped aboard that trolly because he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. And he can’t, because it’s been SO normalized.
Example 4: The Birth of a Nation.
This movie, while entirely fictional, is straight up anti-black propaganda intentionally made to spread hate and fear of black people. Obviously this is incredibly problematic and harmful to real black people. This movie was designed to be that way. The message is very clear. It’s a movie meant to rally whites against blacks, and it did. Horrifically so. Typically media containing hateful messages is less overt about it today, but abusing stereotypes and caricatures of real groups of people and otherwise intentionally perpetuating harmful ideas through fiction is a shitty thing to do and should be wholeheartedly condemned. (Note the keyword “intentionally”. If an author does this out of ignorance, which is all too common, rather than condemn we should seek to educate. People are capable of learning and growing and canceling them for mistakes made in ignorance is every bit as shitty as the mistake they made in the first place.)
Example 5: Fanfiction and shipping
At last, we come to fan media. This is where “don’t like don’t read” becomes the golden rule. Indulging in a kink or exploring dark themes in fanfiction is harmless 99.9% of the time. Fanfiction simply doesn’t have the reach, and thereby the influence, that mainstream media has. If someone wants to write something really fucked up, that’s their choice and nobody is making you read it. Unless the author is outright condoning harming real people, it’s really not your business what they choose to write about. Furthermore, deciding to read fucked up fanfiction does NOT make you a bad person. As stated before, the human psyche is messy and the world is not squeaky clean or a safe place. People are drawn to dark things and there’s really nothing wrong with that so long as real people aren’t being harmed. If something makes you uncomfortable, don’t engage. Protect yourself. You’re not making the world a better place by harassing people online. You’re just being a jerk and honestly doing far more harm to real ass people than that 20 year old writer on AO3 who wanted to write a story about Sasuke having sex with Naruto’s son because of 10 years of repressed sexual impulses toward Naruto.
I could say more but I’m tired and ready to celebrate my Friday by getting drunk. Feel free to interact if you want, just do everyone a favor and don’t be a dick.
TLDR
Things that make you a bad person:
Murdering people
Sexually assaulting/harassing people
Having sex with children
Creating or indulging in porn of real minors
Harassing and sending death threats to real people over the fictional media they create and consume
Espousing, condoning, or perpetuating hate toward marginalized peoples
Espousing, condoning, or perpetuating hate toward anyone tbh
Using fiction as a vehicle to promote, validate, and normalize causing harm to real people
Generally being an ass cloak
Things that DON’T make you a bad person
Consuming media that contains problematic elements
Creating media that contains problematic elements so long as you aren’t promoting, validating, and normalizing harmful acts toward real people
Writing fanfiction
Reading fanfiction
Shipping whatever you goddamn want to ship
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Sunrise
Fandom: Assassin’s Creed Rating: Teen and up Pairing: Shay Cormac x reader Word count: 2344 Genre: angst
Shay is the Templar now, while you’re still the Assassin. Your love is as strong, as it’s forbidden. Yet sometimes the smallest things can mean the most. Inspired by “In The Heights”, this time.
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Some people are unable to stay away from trouble by either causing them or finding them involuntarily. This kind of people simply cannot sit still when something is happening, they always have to be involved. Each one of you was that kind of people, you, Kesegowaase, Liam, Hope and Shay. After all, regular and peaceful people don't become Assassins, this kind of job is meant for uneasy spirits who can't stay in one place for long. They also must want to change the world for the better. At least this kind of thinking led you to the Brotherhood and you couldn't complain. You had an adventurous life, you were making the world more free with every killed Templar and you had your friends who always had your back. One of them was even more than a friend.
Shay was always the most energetic and impatient, like a white hot spark popping out of the fireplace. He acted or spoke first, then thought, compared to him you were almost stoic. Yet you had found a common ground easily, a lot like him, you doubted if what your Brotherhood was doing was right. You would've spend hours talking, joking and having fun, which ultimately lead you to develop a romantic relationship. For a very short time your life just couldn't be better. You were young, unstoppable and absolutely in love.
Unfortunately, your doubts turned out to be real. When Shay was sent to Lisbon, you couldn't stop thinking about him, you wanted him to come back to you, despite knowing he was fully capable of taking care of himself. One day, after painfully long weeks, you saw your lover coming back to the Homestead. You missed him dearly and you were pretty sure he missed you as well, yet when you ran to meet him halfway, you noticed he was upset. He didn't want to talk to you, he only said he needed to see Achilles. Soon you got to know what was bothering your man and you wished you didn't. Shay was right, the Brotherhood went away from its own tenants, but unlike him, you believed it could be fixed. You tried to convince him to help you, but he wasn't listening. Therefore he earned himself a mark of a traitor and was presumably killed, while you were punished for trying to protect him. But when you had found out he survived and joined the Templars, you stopped caring about the others. You had to see him.
Hidden in the soothing darkness of the night, when there was no moon and only stars were shining, you snuck out of the Homestead, triple checking if no one followed you. Then you infiltrated the Templars' quarters, where you expected to find your former partner. Finally, after a few hours of hiding in the shadows, you had found Shay's room. But as soon as you stepped in, he pulled out his sword and pointed it at your throat.
“I must admit, I am impressed. It doesn't happen often, that a prey comes to the predator themselves” he spoke trying to be cool, but you could tell his voice was about to crack. He didn't want to hurt you, even if he thought he had to.
“I'm not your prey” you answered, looking directly into his eyes.
“Why did you come?”
“To see you. Whether you believe it or not, I genuinely miss you. It's not a trick and no one knows I'm here. If you really want to kill me, go for it. But I don't think you can” you said daringly. Shay's hand trembled and he bit his lip. He certainly expected a trick, but failed to sense it, because there wasn't any.
“I can. You won't be the first Assassin who fall to my sword” he protested, but you knew he was bluffing. You could see it in his eyes.
“Really? You already forgot what was between us? How I tried to stop the others from killing you, because of my feelings for you? I love you, Shay. And nothing can change that, even if I wanted it more than anything. I didn't come here to kill you, I came here to see you and here's my proof” you exposed your hands proving you didn't have your hidden blade. That seemed to convince the man to lower his weapon.
“You came here unarmed? That's just stupid” he raised his eyebrow in disbelief.
“I'm not unarmed, I have a dagger, a few smoke bombs and some throwing knives. Everything that can provide me escape if something went wrong. But I didn't have to use them and I don't need them for now” you scoffed and unbuttoned your coat, then undid your belt and put them on the floor, clearly showing you didn't take anything from it, then you stepped away from them.
“What game are you playing, (y/n)?” Shay asked and you shrugged.
“I'm not playing any game. I missed my boyfriend who turned out to be not dead, so I wanted to see him. Now, would you allow me to come close to you, or am I supposed to take off something else?” you asked and his eyes lighted with feelings. Just like you, he couldn't simply ignore his heart.
“I have a few ideas” he admitted with a smirk.
“Then come and take it off yourself” you copied his smirk and opened your shirt, exposing your chest. That made Shay inhale sharply and unbutton his own clothes. At the same time he started to approach you and you weren't going to wait patiently. Your bodies crashed with desperation and longing, touch starved skin itched with the lightest brush, your clothes quickly became disturbing, so they had to go. It didn't take long until you both were naked and heavily aroused.
“I missed you so much, love” Shay purred as he kissed your neck.
“I missed you too” you whispered, stifling a moan as he sucked on your pulse point. For a moment the whole world was gone, Assassins, Templars, nothing mattered, only the two of you. It felt divine to feel him so close again, to make love with him, to forget you had any issues. The bliss lasted until the dark room started to light up a little, an inevitable sign that the night was coming to an end. Yet you kept lying in the arms of your beloved one, trying to figure everything out.
“Join me, (y/n)” you heard him say and you sighed. You knew he was asking for too much.
“I can't, my love. I understand your point, I shared your doubts, after all, yet I don't think there's no other option. There has to be.”
“They need to be stopped.”
“They need to be corrected. I believe there is a way to prove them wrong, to make the Brotherhood follow its Creed again. But becoming a Templar is not the solution” you lifted yourself on your elbow. “I respect your decision, Shay, but I also want you to respect mine. I will not betray the Brotherhood. I'm the Assassin since birth. If you're the Templar, that makes us mortal enemies” you stated, fighting back the tears. Shay caressed your cheek and you leaned into his hand.
“You were right. I couldn't kill you. And I will respect your decision, though I do not approve of it. I also can't go back to the Brotherhood.”
“Yes, I know. However this means we have no future together” you sighed and kissed him softly. “I wish we could have our happily ever after.”
“Seems like our fairy tale has no happy ending” it was Shay's turn to sigh.
“We have to catch little moments like this one. Before sunrise. When we are not the Templar and the Assassin, but two people in love.”
“It's sunrise already?” he asked with disbelief and looked at the window.
“It is. And I should go soon.”
“I wish you could stay for longer.”
“Me too. But I can't risk getting caught. I wouldn't want you to get in trouble because of me.”
“I don't care. I just want you” he pulled you close again.
“Anything at all can happen just before the sunrise” you smiled and gently caught his bottom lip between your teeth. He answered to that with a kiss.
“Promise me it's not our last encounter. Promise me you reconsider your allegiance. Promise me...” he silenced as he couldn't find the right words.
“Promise me you'll stay beyond the sunrise. That every time you see it, you will be thinking about me. That you will never forget our love. Because I promise I will never forget it. You will always be in my heart” you swore, marking an X on your chest.
“Why does it sound like a goodbye?” Shay looked at you with concern.
“Because I decided to leave the colonies if everything else fails. I'm not sure where should I go, but I decided that will be the best. If they keep ignoring my warnings, I will have to leave. I don't want to fight them and I don't want to fight you. And if I stay, it will happen sooner or later.”
“Maybe the Brotherhood needs a new mentor. Maybe you should take Achilles' place.”
“Would you be able to spare me if I did?” you asked and his silence was the answer you needed. “That's what I thought” you smiled sadly and slipped out of Shay's embrace. He watched you dress up with sadness and adoration.
“Goodbye, my love. I really hope we meet again” he said and you could tell he missed you already.
“I hope so either” you turned to the window and smiled. “Sunrise” you whispered and went outside, sending your lover one last look. Then you snuck back to the Homestead, which was slightly more difficult, yet not impossible.
“Where have you been?” you heard someone asking. When you turned around, you saw Liam.
“Doesn't matter” you answered, not even stopping by. Your heart hurt after your parting with Shay, you didn't care for much. But Liam grabbed your arm and turned you around, so he could look you in the face.
“You seem sad. What happened?” he asked and pulled your collar, to expose red mark on the base of your neck.
“Nothing happened, let me go” you protested and took a few steps back.
“Nothing happened, yet you snuck out, then came back sad and there's a love mark on your neck” Liam crossed his arms in his chest. “Did you meet with Shay?”
“Why would I?”
“You two were close, so I assume you didn't betray us then only to work for him now.”
“How dare you...”
“He's a traitor, (y/n)! You are supposed to kill him, not fuck him! Otherwise you're a traitor as well!” he yelled and you felt anger overwhelming you.
“I would never betray the Brotherhood! I love Shay and he loves me, but we're painfully aware of our allegiances. That night we forgot about them so we could be together, but I came back, because I'm loyal to my Creed. Even if I'm in love with the enemy” you confessed, unable to look Liam in the eye. “I value the Creed more than the man I love and while I share his belief that the Brotherhood is lost and doesn't follow its own tenants anymore, I know becoming a Templar is not a solution. Shay made his choice and so I made mine. I want to try to restore the Brotherhood, but if you keep being so stubborn, I'll have no choice but leave. I'd rather be a lone Assassin than join Templars or support your actions.”
“Then you can pack your bags already, because we're not going to listen to a traitor. If you're not with us, you're against us.”
“Fine” you turned around and ran straight to your room, where you packed your belongings. The sunlight was pouring through the window and you did your best to not cry. You knew however, that it was the only thing you could do to avoid unnecessary bloodshed.
“(y/n)? What are you doing?” Achilles asked, appearing in the entrance to your room.
“I'm leaving. I can't stay here anymore. Besides, Liam has just accused me of treason, because I've met with Shay” you closed your bag and looked at the older man. “I'm sorry, but I don't want us to fight. I also don't want to fight Shay. It will be best if I leave.”
“You just want to run like that?”
“And what am I supposed to do? I'm torn between my friends and my lover. I can't join him, I can't betray the Brotherhood, I've been the Assassin for all my life and I can't agree with Templars' philosophy. Yet I can't kill him, both of us had plenty of opportunities to kill each other and we couldn't bring ourselves to do that. Despite our allegiances, our love is strong and we can't help it. That's why I have to leave. Shay isn't going to stop, neither are you. I don't want to be a part of this. I'll do better if I serve another Brotherhood than get myself killed here.”
“Very well. Go if you want to, I can even write a letter that would help you get into another Brotherhood. But you are not allowed to come back. If any of us ever see you again, we won't hesitate to kill you” Achilles said and you nodded. Part of you hurt, it was tough to leave the place you had lived all of your life, you were also never meant to see your lover again. But the other part of you was relieved. You expected to be killed for treason, yet you had a point that exile was wiser. After all you were a good Assassin.
“Goodbye, Achilles. I hope one day you find the way to the Creed again” you said and not waiting for an answer, you had left to never come back again.
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chilly-me-softly · 3 years
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Every Little Thing’s Gonna Be Alright • Chapter 18
Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10 - Chapter 11 - Chapter 12 - Chapter 13 - Chapter 14 - Chapter 15 - Chapter 16 - Chapter 17
"Wow girls you are... wow" Ben is pleasantly surprised as soon as he sees the two girls leave the room. Deb immediately approaches him and the two share a tender kiss while Evelyn looks down embarrassed at the compliment, suddenly feeling in their way.
Eventually the three of them make their way to the lift and Evelyn's heart misses a beat every time the lift stops at other floors, opening those doors so slowly it tortures her again and again by showing people she doesn't know, before finally arriving at the right one. And so she suddenly decides to get herself together. She went through a birth weeks before and nearly feels sick about a guy. Absolutely not.
The room is bright and warm, not making her regret wearing a strapless dress at all. There are already plenty of people around, small groups chatting and laughing. Ben at her side places a hand at the base of her back leading them forward to find Gareth Southgate, Harry Kane and his wife a few steps later.
"Ben, good to see you. And with two lovely ladies I can see"
"My girlfriend Deb and my sister Evelyn" he makes the introductions after shaking his manager's hand.
"Oh Evelyn, nice to finally meet you in person. Congratulations on your baby girl" the girl smiles trying to keep from glaring at the guy next to her as she shakes hands with everyone there.
"I'm sorry if he bothered you. My brother doesn't know where to draw the line"
"Nah next training session he'll get what he deserves" Kane teases him making everyone laugh under his brother's mock indignant look.
The round of introductions continues as Ben leads both of them around the room. She doesn't feel as nervous as she had imagined, everyone is so nice and friendly and the fact that she sees almost everyone at least once a week via a screen has helped to make the environment even more familiar despite not really knowing them. But it's only fair because she finds herself on the other side for a few minutes too, experiencing what it feels like to be known by everyone but not be known at the same time. It turns out that everyone seems to know her thanks to Ben's big mouth but if nothing else that had taken the pressure off of finding conversation topics.
"You know who just walked in, get ready" Deb whispers to her while Ben is busy having a conversation with James a few steps away from them. And Evelyn does everything in her power not to turn around, clutching her glass of water wishing it was something more at that moment.
"Oh finally! You're always late mat," Ben comments as soon as he sees Jack, the two of them exchanging the usual handshake as the boy laughs. And her gaze inevitably ends on him.  
The suit wraps his body properly, the tie is perfectly done and for a moment she wonders if someone has helped him. But there is no one at his side and she feels stupidly relieved. Their eyes meet for a brief moment and that is enough to send a shiver down her spine.
"Jack, do you remember my sister Evelyn?"
"How could I not. I mean we spent a whole day putting that cot together, did we?!" he steps forward leaning over slightly to leave a kiss on her cheek. And as he does the same greeting Deb, a trail of his scent reaches her nostrils. He looks so calm, as if nothing has happened, while she is in complete shambles. Again.  
"How's the baby? I hope the cot held up. I wasn't so convinced we'd be able to make it" Evelyn laughs partly and mostly at the absurdity of the situation.
"She's fine. And the cradle too, it's very comfortable. Not that I've... tried it out or anything" she replies, stumbling on a few words, wanting to facepalm herself, miming a gritted 'help me' to Deb when she's sure no one's looking.
"I need a refill. Eve are you coming with me?" Deb points to her glass before taking the girl under her arm and heading for the small bar area.
Evelyn sighs relieved once she walks away as Deb laughs, "Girl you are so hopeless"
"God why do I have to be so stupid?"
"Did I ever tell you about how I met your brother?" Evelyn shakes her head, interested in the story. Her brother had never been a fan of gossip, it was bad enough that he had let them know he was seeing someone let alone the whole story of how it happened.
"I was out with my friends and I was trying to impress this guy"
"You hooked up with my brother when you were interested in someone else?!" she asked amused as Deb shushed her with a hand gesture, taking the full glass and moving a little further aside.
"Let me finish. Anyway what I was saying, oh yeah I was trying to impress this guy. Nice looking bloke... but apparently he didn't see me. I reckon I spent hours dancing, fooling around with my friends trying to get his attention. But nothing"
"Until I practically ran into this guy who smiles at me and says you know it's not worth wasting time on someone who doesn't want you the way you want him"
"Ben" she states almost unnecessarily but Deb nods anyway smiling.
"Turns out he'd been watching me all night instead, only I was too busy being a fool to notice"
"So you're saying I need to look over?" Deb almost rolls her eyes in exasperation.  
"No. I'm telling you to open your eyes and look around. You feel stupid because you're trying so hard to hide your feelings. Let yourself go. If it goes well you'll have a decent person by your side, if it goes wrong... you'll get back up as usual"
"And if you're going to say you have a baby girl, I'm going to slap you. Right here in front of everyone" Evelyn immediately shuts her mouth, not wanting to challenge the girl who is more than capable of doing such a thing.
"You really know how to comfort people" she comments instead sarcastically glaring at her, trying to make her feel guilty at least a little.
"You don't need comfort, just a little push" she winks at her before they are interrupted by Ben dragging his girlfriend away to dance after making sure once again that everything is fine.
Evelyn stands there watching the two of them sway mindlessly in the middle of the dance floor and smiles. She remembers the first wedding their parents decided they were old enough to attend, how they hid under a table for almost half the reception to escape the entertainer and how Ben swore he would never dance like the groom and bride that day because 'too close, too much contact yuck'.
"What are you drinking?" a voice brings her back down to earth and when she turns her head she finds Jack at her side leaning against that counter with absolute nonchalance.
"Water"
"Oh. It definitely takes a bit of alcohol to get through these nights" he says with a hint of hilarity ordering a beer from the person behind the bar.
"I can't. I haven't touched a drop in ages now and I don't fancy making a fool of myself in front of everyone thanks"
"Something interesting. Sure you don't want some?"
"I'm glad my public humiliation excites you so much" Jack laughs before bringing the freshly served bottle closer to his lips.
"Besides, it doesn't seem to me they're forcing you to attend"
"I was so close to not coming in fact. Then I heard you were going to be there" their gazes intertwine as she tries to figure out if he's messing with her or if by some strange twist of fate she's misunderstood. But it's all there, in his ever so penetrating eyes. If she chooses not to see it, it's up to her.
"Are you two getting friendly?" she almost jumps on the spot not having heard him coming as Jack imperceptibly straightens his back.
"Something like that" Jack takes a long swig from his bottle, "I was just telling your sister that without alcohol these evenings are pretty boring"
"You're going to have to start looking for someone or we're going to start calling you Jack the boozer" Ben jokes as Deb scolds him for being rude and Jack shoots Evelyn a look before scoffing at him and taking another sip of that beer.
-
The first thing she thinks of as soon as the signal comes that they can leave is to run to her room as fast as she can to get rid of those heels. She had forgotten how confident they made her feel but also how uncomfortable they were after a while. That's why when Ben and Deb suggest her to go get something to eat with them, she flatly refuses. It's okay, she had a good night at the end and they deserve some time alone too without having to babysit her.
She heads for the lift as the two then head for the hotel exit, not taking long to get into the cubicle. Almost as the doors are about to close a hand blocks them and two people enter the lift. The door is about to close again but it's blocked again and she's about to huff loudly, dreading her plan, when her gaze meets Jack's. He approaches her as the doors finally close and the lift begins its ascent.
There is silence in the cubicle, Evelyn keeps her eyes on the display showing the current floor number, swaying slightly on her knees. When she feels something brush her hand along her side, first imperceptibly, so much so that she thinks she imagined it, then more firmly. The pinkie of Jack's hand searches for hers before intertwining and stupidly something inside her bursts, radiating a sudden warmth.
She doesn't look at him, instead keeping her gaze fixed on that number that keeps going up slowly. But she doesn't even do anything to interrupt that moment, enjoying the warmth released by that contact no matter how small and everything else.
The lift doors suddenly open and before she can realize it, the grip on her hand tightens and she finds herself in a hallway being led by Jack.
"What are you doing that's not my plan" she states confused but offering no resistance, curious as to what he might be up to.
"It's mine" he just says turning his head towards her for a second before taking the key card with his free hand and stopping in front of a door.
"I just want to spend some time with you. I can't waste this opportunity" he admits sincerely and she simply smiles at him waiting for him to open that door.
When she walks inside the first thing she does is let herself fall on the bed kicking off her heels, moaning at the feeling of freedom as Jack smiles closing the door behind him.
"Don't you dare use that against me. They were killing me"
"I didn't say anything" Jack raises his hands holding back a giggle and she tries to glare at him as he places his jacket on the chair nearby loosening his tie before sitting down on the bed next to her.
"Just know that you just ruined all my plans"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. I could already see myself in my room getting rid of these heels and this dress, maybe a nice warm bath and a good refreshing sleep"
"Oh you can go if you want"
"Nah I'm here now" she says shrugging and he smiles before laying down next to her. They look into each other's eyes, both studying the other's face as if for the first time, until Evelyn sighs.
"I practically asked Deb never to leave me alone tonight and yet here I am" if she thinks about it it only makes her laugh.
"Were you afraid I might kidnap you?"
"That I might do something stupid actually"
"Like what?"
"Like be alone with you somewhere and-"
"And kiss me again. Is that what you're worried about?" Evelyn sighs closing her eyes but she can still feel his gaze on her, so persistent.
"Do you want to kiss me? Because I want to, so bad" she can hear his desire in his voice and she's thankful her eyes are closed and she can't see his expression too because that's the only reason she hasn't thrown herself at him frankly. She's struggling so much in that moment with her brain, and then here he comes.
"Can you open your eyes please?" he asks softly as she shakes her head, holding her breath when she hears him move.
"You know I stood outside your house I think for at least an hour that day. Hoping maybe you'd change your mind" he whispers catching her off guard, his voice closer now. And finally she gives in opening her eyes looking at him intently.
"Why?"
"Because whatever this is between us it's clear we both feel it Eve. I don't want to dance around it anymore"
"Jack I-"
"And I gave you your space because I knew you would need it. But all I've been doing is thinking about you, thinking about that kiss"
Evelyn sits on the edge of the bed at that point, leaning forward resting her elbows on her thighs and closing her fists in her hair. She feels him do the same as the bed moulds under their weight.
"You scare me. Because you make me feel things I thought I'd never feel again. Not as strong" a few seconds pass in which silence is the main protagonist, before he changes position kneeling in front of her. His hands go to release her hair from that hold, fingers to intertwine with each other.
"I know it's hard to trust and letting you go again after a breakup"
"That's the problem. I feel like I can trust you and that scares me because with Lucas I... we shared so much in such a short time and I even thought I loved him, and with you... I don't want that to happen again, I couldn't bear it"
"Little by little, allow yourself to be happy again. Let me in Eve" Evelyn's body comes forward imperceptibly as she pulls her hands from Jack's grasp, laying them immediately afterwards on his cheeks to pull him to her and make their lips meet. She stops thinking for once, following her feelings. And if she doesn't feel on the clouds, she doesn't know what describes that moment frankly.
"You don't know the confusion in my head right now" she giggles, resting her forehead against his. "I really want to turn my brain off sometimes"
"Oh I'm here for that" Jack grins mischievously pushing Evelyn backwards suddenly, causing her to lose her balance, and lie down next to her as she lets out a choked squeal in surprise before laughing. He moves closer to her again connecting their lips together smiling, he can't help but want more and more.
They can't break away but at the same time Evelyn doesn't want to rush things so she puts some space between them, deciding to take off that dress to get more comfortable and borrowing something from Jack's suitcase. She takes her time in the en-suite bathroom, sorting herself out and admiring in the mirror how those clothes are soaked in the boy's scent and she brings them to her nose stupidly before shaking her head and getting out of there.
Jack has changed too in the meantime, ditching his fancy shirt and trousers for something more comfortable, getting into bed and fiddling with his phone while waiting for her. It's a bit late but neither of them wants to close their eyes because it would mean ending the day and leaving, parting ways again.
"What will happen once we leave this room?" Evelyn voices her thoughts with a sigh causing him to look up from his phone which is immediately pushed aside.
"Come here" Jack holds out his hand to her and she walks over to him settling on his lap and letting his arms wrap around her.
"I'll tell you what's going to happen. You're gonna go back to your beautiful little girl and cuddle her because you've missed her so much and I'm gonna go back to my house and let my dog do that" the girl laughs as he leaves a kiss on her temple, "But we're gonna do everything we can to keep in touch like before or even more because I'm not leaving you now, that's for sure"
"Sorry, I just seem to need some comfort all the time"
"I'm here to give it to you. Whenever you need it. We said little by little right?" she kisses him again and each time a smile arises spontaneously on her lips. It's absurd, at the beginning of the day she had wished for it to pass as quickly as possible so she could go home to her little girl, but now she wishes it would last a little longer so she wouldn't have to be separated from Jack. To stay in that bubble they have created for themselves in those hours and in which they are so comfortable.
They talk and talk over and over until the yawns outweigh the words and then they give up, holding each other for what's left of the night taking all they can before they inevitably burst that bubble and test themselves in the tangled world they live in.
----
Tag: @alexajanecollins @emwritesfootball @rosie7703
Chapter 19
40 notes · View notes
frosteee · 3 years
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The Existential Terror of Asura [Soul Eater]
It's been a long time since I've thought about Soul Eater, but I've been thinking about it a lot recently and I wanted to talk about it. I've been thinking maybe a bit too much, which is relevant.
Asura resonated (sorry) with me years ago when I first got into the series, and he does even more now, for what he says about fear and its effects, and how the wrong response to individuals suffering from that fear can cause a spiral into even worse depths.
[LONG ASS POST UNDER CUT]
Lord Death created the first Kishin, Asura. Literally and figuratively. There's no two ways about it. Excalibur tells him as much in his final moments, telling him how wrong it was to create a being out of his own fears. Lord Death acknowledges that Asura, his own son, was created as an experiment, a means to the end of becoming a perfect god of Absolute Order. The quote from Voltaire's short story 'Memnon' comes to mind here: 'One day, Memnon conceived the insane idea of becoming perfectly wise.'
This foolish, if well-intentioned, effort was successful in Lord Death's case, but the consequences for those around him were horrendous. Early in the manga, Lord Death is unable to admit it out loud. Even the way he recounts Asura's fall into madness and betrayal, and how he dealt with that consequence, speaks to Lord Death's detachment, his lack of compassion and understanding at that time. He removes his relation to Asura entirely, removing the truth of the matter and placing himself on the moral high ground in the process.
When he is recounting Asura's downfall, Lord Death remarks that he did not know what lay in Asura's heart, pondering if it was fear. He does not seem to realise or take responsibility for the fact that Asura is literally his anxiety incarnate. He understood on some level that no being, god or otherwise, could stand such a condition, and was careful not to make the same mistake with Kid, but Lord Death (at that point) was unable to admit or think of Asura as anything other than a traitor and a threat.
Lord Death taught Kid that the real purpose of a Reaper was balance - conveniently forgetting to mention how he came by that particular titbit of wisdom - his eldest son, the most unbalanced creature to ever breathe.
I remember being in the car on my way to school with my dad. At the time I was suffering from an intense anxious phase where I was deathly afraid of bad weather - even something as harmless as dark clouds. I would cry when I opened my curtains and looked out. I didn't want to leave the house. I remember my dad saying to me: "You keep this up, and you'll be a nervous wreck."
That scared me, but I didn't know what to do to stop being scared. My fixation with the weather passed, somehow, later, but when I was in the grip of it I was powerless to do anything because I didn't understand, and neither did my parents. I was already a nervous wreck, and the prospect of a future where this continued, or became worse, only terrified me more.
Luckily, while my dad was never the best at handling my fears (more from his own 'pick yourself up' mindset and fear for me than disinterest or lack of love), my mum was always there to get me the help I needed and talk to me about my feelings. I still struggle today, but I have a good support system and am better equipped to handle and understand my feelings.
Asura had nothing and nobody like that. His father, Lord Death, created a fully mature being with full concept of his own makeup - the fears that Lord Death had discarded, the fears that made Lord Death flawed, imperfect, and wrong. Lord Death made a son of one of the the most corrosive and self-sabotaging emotions and was surprised when that didn't turn out well!
Lord Death saw a man, his son, so utterly terrified by the world, people, and himself, that he couldn't bear to go out without the protection of layers upon layers of clothing, a being so crippled by fear that he kept everything and everybody at arm's length, even his own partner Vajra, and spent his days in a state of constant introspection, barely paying attention to the outside world and mumbling incoherently.
Lord Death looked at that man, that firstborn child of his, and allowed that to continue. There's no indication he tried to ease Asura's anxieties, or help him in any way. Asura was a powerful member of his elite order, and that seemed to be all that mattered until it was too late. What kind of parent sees their child in such a state and does nothing?
Who looks at this and does nothing?
Lord Death created a nervous wreck of a man, and was both surprised and furious when that nervous wreck finally broke under the strain. Lord Death and others talk about Asura 'forgetting his discipline/teachings' and disobeying, like he was supposed to magically be able to handle being mortally afraid!
Being so helpless against the condition of his being, Asura sought the only thing available to him - the only thing he was valued for: power, and disobeyed his father.
Lord Death's response? To rip all of Asura's skin off his body and seal him inside it for the next eight hundred years, and doing everything possible to keep Asura there.
We all know that sealing something away and putting a rug over it never works, especially in fiction, so it was only a matter of time before Asura was freed, but in an emotional and moral point of view it was so, so wrong.
Asura had been gripped in fear for all his life, unable to healthily cope with it, and spent so much time in his own head his thoughts were coming out of his mouth as frantic whispers. The worst thing Lord Death could have possibly thought of as a punishment was to isolate Asura entirely.
I don't remember if this appeared in the manga, but in the anime (Lord Death and Asura's second/final confrontation), Asura tells Death of the things he thought about while in that sack of skin, because the only freedom he had left was to think. The worst possible thing for anyone, especially someone suffering from anxiety, is to do nothing but think. All this exercise does, and did with Asura, is exacerbate and breed more anxieties, and further embed them into the mind.
Left with nobody but himself to find a way out of the existential terror of his own thoughts, Asura came to realise that he had been an experiment, a tool, not a son. He refers to our heroes at puppets of Lord Death, as he once was, and regards Lord Death as nothing but a tyrant. Up until the revelation that he and Kid are brothers, Kid himself had never questioned Lord Death. Asura had eight hundred years to do that.
Eight hundred years in a stew of your own existential dread.
In the anime series, Asura concluded that it was the ability to imagine the future that was the source of fear. He who had spent so long terrified of the what if's and maybes, tortured by uncertainty, he sought to create a world where there was nothing but the immediate, static present, where nothing like that could exist.
Lord Death's response? "Sorry, I'll kill you for real this time" or "I've had enough of your rants!"
In either anime or manga, he never addresses or responds to Asura's thoughts or feelings. Even when Lord Death realised the error of making his eldest son the way he was, he never communicated this to Asura personally. To Asura he was flippant, dismissive and angry, acting as if Asura was solely responsible for the evil he did when Lord Death knew it wasn't. He'd sooner punish and hurt Asura than actually help him, a consequence of becoming 'Order' with no room for those who challenge or question it. It's like taking a young offender into a prison full of nasty criminals and violence and being shocked when they come out worse than when they went in.
His suffering son is a blemish, a shame, a threat. At one point, Lord Death even threatens to put Asura through the same existential hell again. Can people really blame Asura for hating him and turning on everything Lord Death cares about (more than he ever did his own son)?
In making his anxiety a person, Lord Death was obviously going to detach himself from Asura as an individual. Asura is everything he wanted to dispose of, only powerful and capable of taking out his enemies en masse. He was clearly only kept around and tolerated for that purpose, but never looked upon or valued as a thinking being capable of feeling and reacting to the condition of his birth.
Asura is Lord Death's biggest, most horrendous and reprehensible act. It's not a mistake, either. Lord Death intentionally created Asura to be the way he was, with no mind for the consequences until it blew up in his face. And when it did, not only was Lord death not humbled or sorry, but he pinned all the blame on Asura in a fit of rage and punished him - and punished him in the worst way both for Asura himself and for the world in general.
Lord Death treated Asura and his mental breakdown like a rabid dog to be locked away and forgotten about. That is not something a good parent does. A good parent acknowledges their hand in their children's problems, they talk to them, they help them out.
Lord Death may have been a good father to Kid, but he was the absolute worst Asura could have had. And Kid, aside from that flicker of doubt, doesn't acknowledge it, continuing to praise Lord Death and be the true Death God Lord Death had wanted.
Asura lashes out and sees everything in the world as his enemy, a thing to fear, a thing to hate, and he could not conceive of anything except terror. He was completely unable to understand a state of peace, harmony, bravery, in the face of all the fear life throws at you. He was a nervous wreck until he died, and that scares me. I don't want to become like that, but it's difficult to imagine some days when you're gripped by this unnatural fear of something, even if you know what it is, that you can get better and be truly content.
Asura was never happy and always afraid. He was fucked over by his parent like Chrona was, but nobody (including the narrative) gave a shit. Yes, his actions were wrong, he had to be stopped, he couldn't be allowed lash out against the world and others like he was, but I still see Asura was a tragic figure who was fucked over by the person he needed most.
I'm sorry this is so long, I have a lot of feelings right now.
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eli-kittim · 3 years
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Polytheism Versus Monotheism
By Biblical Researcher and Award-Winning Author, Eli Kittim
——-
The First Cause
Some Bible critics have argued that there maybe other gods in the universe. However, the Bible itself claims that there’s only one God. Now, you may see that as circular reasoning but there are also valid philosophical arguments which demonstrate that there can only be one cause to the universe, to wit, a “first cause.” Philosophy does not posit a multiplicity of first causes but rather the existence of a single, first cause, just as other theosophical and spiritual traditions have also posited a single incorporeal first cause. Let’s not forget that we’re not talking about a genus, a multiplicity of “contingent” beings, but about the source of everything, a “necessary” being that is beyond time and space and beyond being. If there were two such beings, then neither of them would be god. There can only be one maximally great being that can exist in every possible world.
——-
The Cosmological Argument
Plato (c. 427–347 BCE), in the Timaeus dialogue, posited a "demiurge" of absolute intelligence as the creator of the universe. Plotinus, a 3rd century Neoplatonist philosopher from Alexandria, claimed that the “One” transcendent absolute caused the cosmos to come into being as a result of its existence (creatio ex deo). Proclus (412–485 CE), his disciple, later clarified that “The One is God.”
Similarly, according to Aristotle, the “unmoved mover” (Gk. ὃ οὐ κινούμενον κινεῖ, lit. “that which moves without being moved”) or “prime mover” is the main cause (or first uncaused cause) of all the motion in the cosmos but is not itself moved or caused by any previous action or causation. Notice that the so-called “first cause” arguments do not entail multiplicity or diversity but rather unity and oneness.
In other words, nothing can come into being from nothing. Think about everything you see around you: your house, your car, your phone, your computer, your clothes, your food, your furniture, your TV, your parents, your friends, even yourself. Everything comes from something else. And the further back you go in time, in trying to unravel what caused what, the more you realize that everything came from something else. Someone or something either designed it, produced it, formed it, or gave it birth. If there were 2 gods, we would have to ask who came first? Who brought the second god into being?
However, the cosmological argument necessarily presupposes a single cause, which itself was never caused, namely, a timeless being, capable of creating everything (i.e. all contingent beings). Otherwise, if there was no first “unmoved mover,” there would be an infinite regress of causal dependency ad infinitum. This “first cause” can therefore be inferred via the concept of causation. This is not unlike Leibniz’ “principle of sufficient reason” nor unlike Parmenides’ “nothing comes from nothing” (Gk. οὐδὲν ἐξ οὐδενός; Lat. ex nihilo nihil fit)! All these arguments demonstrate not only that there must be a “necessary” being that designed and sustained the universe, but also that there can only be “one” such being!
——-
The One God of the Old Testament
Epistemology is a philosophical branch that questions the conditions required for a belief to constitute knowledge. The possible sources of knowledge that could justify a belief are based on perception, memory, reason, and testimony. Thus, divine revelation, which was subsequently transcribed or inscripturated, would certainly qualify as “testimony.”
There are multiple passages in both Testaments of the Bible where God declares to be without a counterpart: without an equal. Similar to the “Absolute Being” of philosophy which is logically inferred as a single, first cause, the Old Testament clearly affirms the existence of only one God. So, the uniqueness of a single God can also be attested by Divine Revelation. Scripture is therefore a witness to the reality of God’s existence as being unparalleled and unique. For example, in Isaiah 44.6-7 (NRSV), God declares that there are no other gods in the universe except him. He exclaims:
I am the first and I am the last; besides me
there is no god. Who is like me? Let them
proclaim it, let them declare and set it forth
before me.
In Isaiah 42.8, God states that he doesn’t share his glory with anyone. He alone is God without equal or rival:
I am the Lord, that is my name; my glory I
give to no other, nor my praise to idols.
Moreover, in Isaiah 43.10-11, God declares categorically and unequivocally that there were no gods formed before him, nor will there be any gods formed after him:
Before me no god was formed, nor shall
there be any after me. I, I am the Lord, and
besides me there is no savior.
This truth is reiterated several times in Isaiah 45.18, 21:
For thus says the Lord, who created the
heavens (he is God!), who formed the earth
and made it (he established it; he did not
create it a chaos, he formed it to be
inhabited!): I am the Lord, and there is no
other.
There is no other god besides me, a
righteous God and a Savior; there is no one
besides me.
This assertion, of course, implies that there are not multiple gods that receive many different forms of religious worship but rather a single Godhead sans equal.
In Isaiah 46.9-10, God sets a unique standard against which all other theories are measured, namely, the fulfillment of prophecy. That is to say, no one else can predict the future except God himself:
I am God, and there is no other; I am God,
and there is no one like me, declaring the
end from the beginning and from ancient
times things not yet done.
Similarly, 2 Sam. 7.22 seems to attest to the truth of God’s oneness by way of divine revelation (cf. 2 Pet 1.18):
You are great, O Lord God; for there is no
one like you, and there is no God besides
you, according to all that we have heard
with our ears.
——-
The One God of the New Testament
When we turn to the Christian scriptures, we find the exact same theme concerning one God who reigns supreme above humanity and the heavenly host. At no point in Scripture is there any hint that there are other gods that exist beside the God of the Old and New Testaments. John 17.3, for instance, brings to bear the authority of Scripture on the matter by calling the source of all creation “the only true God.” Critics of the Trinity (who view it as polytheistic) should be rebuffed because in the Johannine gospel Jesus clearly establishes that there’s *one essence* between himself and God. He proclaims, “The Father and I are one” (10.30).
The Christian doctrine of the Trinity holds that God is one God, but three coeternal, consubstantial persons or hypostases—the Father, the Son (Jesus Christ), and the Holy Spirit—as "one God in three Divine Persons". The three Persons are distinct, yet are one "substance, essence or nature" (homoousios). Paul the apostle also knows through direct revelations that “God is one” (Rom. 3.30). Paul understands that the Triune God is not equivalent to multiple gods but is rather a *monotheistic supreme deity* (1 Cor. 8.6 emphasis added):
there is ONE GOD, the Father, from whom
are all things and for whom we exist, and
one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are
all things and through whom we exist.
Colossians 1.15-16 explains that no other god or gods created the universe except God the Father (the source) through his Son (who is his image or reflection):
He [Christ] is the image of the invisible God,
the firstborn of all creation; for in him all
things in heaven and on earth were created,
things visible and invisible, whether thrones
or dominions or rulers or powers—all things
have been created through him and for him.
1 Tim. 2.5 basically reiterates the exact same concept of the ONE GOD, not as 2 or 3 separate beings, but as ONE BEING (in multiple persons):
For there is one God; there is also one
mediator between God and humankind,
Christ Jesus, himself human.
Similarly, Hebrews 1.2-3 reveals the exact same *truth* regarding a single God and his Son, “through whom he also created the worlds”:
in these last days he [God] has spoken to
us by a Son, whom he appointed heir of all
things, through whom he also created the
worlds. He [Christ] is the reflection of God's
glory and the exact imprint of God's very
being, and he sustains all things by his
powerful word.
——-
God is Truth & Does Not Lie
The Bible repeatedly reminds us that God is truth, holiness, and veritable love itself, and therefore he does not lie. The Old Testament verifies his truthfulness by instructing us to imitate his holiness. Exodus 20.16 says,
You shall not bear false witness against
your neighbor.
Proverbs 12.22 reads:
Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord,
but those who act faithfully are his delight.
What is more, there are many Bible passages that demonstrate unlimited confidence in God’s honesty, transparency, and accountability. Titus 1.1-2 (emphasis added) is such a passage:
Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of
Jesus Christ, for the sake of the faith of
God's elect and the knowledge of the truth
that is in accordance with godliness, in the
hope of eternal life that God, WHO NEVER
LIES, promised before the ages began—
In John 17.17 (ESV), Jesus himself says to God the Father:
Sanctify them in the truth; your word is
truth.
This is reminiscent of Isaiah 65.16 (ESV) which calls the creator, “the God of truth.” He is similarly acknowledged in Deuteronomy 32.4 (NKJV) as “A God of truth and without injustice.”
In Numbers 23.19 (NRSV), God is further attested as a higher-being whose good character precludes deception and lies:
God is not a human being, that he should
lie, or a mortal, that he should change his
mind. Has he promised, and will he not do
it?
Moreover, the doctrine of the Immutability of God describes an attribute of God which prevents him from changing his will or character. It implies that He will make good on all of his promises. Hebrews 6:18 (ICB) puts it thusly:
These two things cannot change. God
cannot lie when he makes a promise, and
he cannot lie when he makes an oath.
These things encourage us who came to
God for safety. They give us strength to
hold on to the hope we have been given.
Conclusion
This life has no guarantees. So, from an interdisciplinary perspective, when there are multiple lines of evidence concerning one God——coupled with cases abounding in the “religious-experience literature” down through the ages——the *testimony* becomes rather robust and trustworthy! In other words, the religious testimony is ipso facto a possible source of knowledge. And this global testimony——which goes far beyond the Judeo-Christian Bible and includes other world religions——indicates that only one God exists. If we add the philosophical arguments that also assert a first cause regarding everything that has been created in the cosmos, then we can safely say that there can only be one God that is responsible for creating and sustaining the universe!
——-
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Sophideon & Baby Thomas pt. 3!!
I’ve finally finished! I hope it’s a good conclusion! The part in bold is from the second part, since I thought it would be confusing without it. Here are parts  1 and  2
-Ana <3
“Thomas Lightwood.”
They looked at him again. He hadn’t changed since they had named him and yet, there was something else in the air: 
Hope.
Six weeks later, they were able to hold him. Sophie cried while she cradled Thomas and supported his tiny head in her palm. He was still so tiny, and yet he was so beautiful. He had yet to open his eyes, or even cry, for that matter. She knew her face was a mess of tears and had probably turned red and splotchy. However, in that moment, Sophie did not have it in her to care about those little things. All she thought about was how her baby boy, who had been on the verge of death far too many times to count, was breathing in her arms.  Gideon put his own arms around her and his chin on her shoulder. He stroked Thomas’ cheek with his thumb. So long they had anticipated this moment and now they relished in it. Sophie felt so lucky that Thomas had lived, even if there was still time left before they could bring him home. She kissed his tiny nose and turned her head to kiss Gideon. She knew she would cherish this moment for the rest of her life. 
Two months had come and gone before Thomas Lightwood was able to come home. Two months of living half of their lives in the Silent City. Both parents were ecstatic that they would finally be able to introduce Thomas to their daughters. Most of all, they were excited to be able to go back to their normal life, where they could wake up and go to sleep in the same bed, take their daughters out for walks and fall back into a routine.  
Gideon would always insist on spending the night in the Silent City with Thomas while urging Sophie to go back home with the girls. After all, she had given birth recently and she needed to recover. 
“Thomas and I will have some man-time.” Gideon would joke, always trying to lighten the mood of the situation. 
Sophie would just shake her head and kiss his cheek goodnight.  
Now, Gideon was tucking Thomas into a small basket made big with little Thomas inside. Sophie wished more than anything that nobody on the streets would stop them. Not because she was ashamed of her son; she could never feel ashamed for him. If anything she felt pride that he survived when even the Brothers did not think he was going to live. However, she did not wish to have to see the faces of people when they caught sight of Thomas. For Gideon and herself, Thomas’ current state was an immense improvement, though that has most likely been because they were the only ones who had seen him that first day. She did not wish to hear the gasp, see the look of sympathy. Most of all, she did not want to hear an apology, as though Thomas being alive were a burden to them because of how he looked. Sophie wished people could see Thomas for the blessing he was. She did not stay by his side all those hours for people to take one look at him and pity her for birthing a sickly child. 
Gideon straightened and offered her his arm. “Shall we go back home?”
Sophie couldn’t help but smile. “I would love nothing more.”
They bid the Silent Brothers goodbye, thanking them profusely for all of their help. Sophie even embraced Jem, even though it was not necessarily a correct way of thanking a Silent Brother. Gideon kept looking back into the basket as they walked down the street.
“What?” Sophie asked.
“I still cannot believe I’m carrying Thomas.”
“Because he is so light?”
“Well, I was thinking because it seemed like we would never be able to take him home, but him being so light does not help his case.”
Sophie rested her head on his shoulder. “At least he will be easy to bring down when he gets stuck in that tree, like two little girls I know.”
Gideon laughed. “However will we get three children out of that tree? We’ve run out of arms.”
“I can climb up and throw them down to you.”
“And how will you get down?”
“I think I am more than capable of getting down from a tree, Gideon Lightwood.”
“Of course you are, my beautiful Sophia, but I would have climbed up and helped you down.”
“Ever the gentleman.”
Gideon shook his head, smiling.  
After being sad for so long, their happiness felt like a cold river on a hot summer’s day. 
Eugenia and Barbara could hardly suppress the bounce in their steps as Gideon walked them back home. They were so excited to finally see their brother, that they practically dragged Gideon home. 
“Papa, walk quicker!” 
“Yes! What if he grows tired and leaves?”
“Silly, Genie. Thomas cannot walk yet.” Barbara said.
“Oh, right.”
The girls wiggled, trying to slip out of his grasp.
“Stop doing that,” Gideon laughed. “Thomas is very patient.” 
“But I am not! Oh, Papa, I must see him before I burst with…” Eugenia trailed off.
“Anticipation?” Gideon offered.
“Yes. I think. I will burst with an-pisi-pat-on.”
Barbara furrowed her eyebrows and looked at Gideon. He shrugged and motioned for her to let it go and not correct her sister. 
Eugenia skipped the rest of the way down the road, until their house came into view.
“We are almost there!” She squealed and jumped.
“Eugenia. You cannot scream when you get there. You will upset him.” Barbara said.
Eugenia rolled her eyes.
Gideon opened the door to the house and took them to where Thomas and Sophie were.
Barbara caught one look at him and ran back to Gideon. She buried her face in his leg and shook her head, not wanting to see anymore. Eugenia was more curious. She looked at his face with fascination and, much to Gideon and Sophie’s surprise, bent down next to him. Eugenia examined his small hands and took one look at his closed eyes before saying, “Isn’t he excited to meet us? How come he’s still asleep?”
Sophie catches Gideon’s eye. He, too, seemed to be suppressing a laugh; only Eugenia would be offended that her infant brother was asleep during their first encounter.
“He’s too young to understand what is going on, Genie. I’m sure if he knew, he would be wide awake.” 
“Hm, maybe someone should tell him,” Eugenia said. “Hullo, Thomas,” she announced, “I am your older sister, but not your oldest sister. I am your…” She trailed off.
“Younger older sister?” Gideon offered. 
“Yes!”
Sophie looked at him, surprised.
“Gabriel said the same thing when Tatiana was born.” Gideon said, his voice going soft at the mention of his sister.
Sophie gave him a comforting look, knowing how hard it was to speak of Tatiana. 
“Anyway, I am your younger older sister. Eugenia.” 
Perhaps it was a pure coincidence. However, it was safe to say that Gideon and Sophie did not expect Thomas to open his eyes right after Eugenia finished speaking.
Sophie gasped. Thomas’ bright green eyes looked around the room. They were beautiful. She bent down next to Eugenia. Gideon tried to coax Barbara to look up for where she had pressed her face against his neck. 
Sophie put her arms around Eugenia and hugged her tightly. 
“I think that means he is happy to meet you, Genie.”
Eugenia’s lips spread into a wide smile. 
“I like my new brother.” Eugenia said. “What about you, Barbara?”
Barbara looked up, barely, at the mention of her name. Eugenia looked at her expectantly. Barbara did not say anything.
“It’s alright, Barbara.” 
“No, it’s not.” Eugenia frowned.
“Eugenia!”
“She’s being vain and inconsiderate. Don’t you know it’s rude not to introduce yourself, Babs?”
“Genie,” Gideon said.
“Poor Thomas came all this way to meet us and you cannot even show him an ounce of respect?”
“Eugenia.” Sophie said, outraged.
“If you’ll excuse me, I would like to get to know our dear brother better.” And with that Eugenia picked up the basket and walked out of the room.
Gideon and Sophie stood stupefied. They exchanged an appalled look until Sophie realized what Eugenia held in her hands—
“EUGENIA, put Thomas down!” 
“You want me to drop Thomas?!”
“NO!” Sophie and Gideon yelled.
Eugenia popped back into view and Sophie ran to her, grabbing hold of the basket.
Eugenia’s eyes widened, looking like they were at the verge of tears.
“Eugenia, honey, I know you want to spend time with Thomas, but he’s very fragile right now. If you were to drop him by mistake—”
“I wouldn’t do that.”
“I know, darling. The point is, he can get hurt very easily and we don’t want that, do we?”
“No, mama.”
Sophie kissed her forehead. “You can hold him if you wish, but you must sit down and be very gentle.”
Eugenia bounced on the balls of her feet. “Yes, mama! I promise to be extra careful with him! May I hold him now?”
Sophie chuckled. “Of course.”
Barbara did not even want to be in the same room as Thomas. Sophie was worried that she would never warm up to her brother and it absolutely broke her heart. It was evident to her that she was overreacting. Surely Barbara would come to love him. Eventually. Sophie bit her lip. Yes, there was no doubt about it. She will. Or she won’t. No, no, she will. 
Sophie pressed her lips together tightly. She looked down at Thomas in her arms, who was staring up at her. She smiled and nuzzled his face. 
“Sweet child. How different you are from your very loud sisters.”  
She looked into his green eyes. 
“Do not fret for you will grow very tall, my darling.” Sophie kissed his soft feet. “Why, all of the men in my family were as tall as beanstalks.”
Thomas smiled a little bit, perhaps at her facial expressions.
“And one day, when you can speak,” she brushed his lips with her finger, “you will tell us about how it’s like to touch the clouds.” 
She put her finger in his semi-open hand. Thomas slowly closed it. His fist was so tiny, it couldn’t fit her entire hand in it. Sophie kissed his cheek. She whispered in his ear.
“Do not tell your sisters, but I’ve always wanted a son.” 
Sophie looked at the photograph on her bedside table. Sophie smiled and placed her hand over the witchlight to turn it off. She looked at Gideon, who was already in bed from sheer exhaustion. He opened his arms for her and Sophie nestled herself inside. She pressed her cheek against his warm chest as he pressed a kiss to her head. 
“You’re freezing, Soph.” He rubbed his hands up and down her arms.
She closed her eyes and smiled.
“Soph?”
“Yes?”
“Oh, I thought you fell asleep.”
“So quickly?”
Gideon gave her a sheepish smile, which Sophie kissed softly. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.”
Whether they were talking about the company of each other or seeing the sadness having finally been lifted from the other, it would remain unknown. Perhaps it was both; a concoction of pure bliss and adrenalin that comes when you finally step out of the shadows. 
Their troubles were far from over. They would have to face trials through tears and sadness in the near future but, in the present, nothing could harm them. Even if they knew they were in the eye of the hurricane, rather than the outskirts, they would still be smiling. Sadness could wait. 
Sophie combed her fingers through Gideon’s hair and rested her lips on his collarbone. His hands on her back were warm, sweet. She was drifting off to sleep when she heard it.
Her eyes flew open, and she met Gideon’s. They flew out of bed and sped to the nursery. Was he really crying? Sophie’s eyes burned. She opened the door and found someone had already come to Thomas. 
Barbara was looking down at the crib, one of her hands drooped inside. Thomas was quiet as he stared up at his sister. Sophie watched, mesmerized as Barbara smiled at her brother. She felt hands on her shoulders and smiled up at Gideon. 
Sophie and Gideon had three children. And they were their pride and joy.
Tagging: @celias
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Survey #428
“there’s more money in tragedy, more net worth in self-pity  /  so you’re doubling down inside of your screen, hiding behind attention you seek”
Have you ever told someone, besides family, that you love them and meant it? Yeah. I've told friends that platonically, and I've said it to two people and romantically meant it. Are the blankets that are on your bed now made by someone you know in life? No. Have you seen all The Lord of the Rings movies? I haven't even seen one. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had in 2014? I had one. Can you walk in heels? I mean I can, but I don't like to. What does your mom say about the pictures on your Myspace? First the '14 question, now this... I don't think Mom ever had a Myspace, but I can answer for Facebook. She's always the person to "heart" react them and say something about how "beautiful" I am or something. ;x; What was the last thing you and your parents argued about? Idr. Do you feel your life is at its best? Fuck no. There better be better times than this. What do you worry about the most? The most? That's hard to say... but probably my career future. Or really just the future in general. Have you ever let someone be your everything? "Everything" still feels like an understatement. He was my source of happiness, a massive part of my own identity, and my promise for a better future. It was so, so unhealthy. Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in their arms? Two times, I wanna say? What are some things you do when you’re mad? I get snappy and try to isolate myself to cry it out. How do you feel about your hair right now? I hate itttt. It's getting too long and just boring. I'm hoping I can get up with my hairdresser soon for a trim. What’s an interesting fact about you that not many people know? Uhhhh... I guess that I was a dancer for many years. I feel like I don't really fit the general "aesthetic" of dancers, so people have definitely been surprised to find out I was one. Do you do anything embarrassing when no one is home? No. Just because no one ELSE is there, I'd embarrass my damn self lol. If you had the chance to move to a completely different state/county, would you? Fuck yes I would. Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? It's funny, because that's what the traumatized, overly-attached part of me wants (at the bare minimum), but my common sense knows that's dumb as fuck. I could never healthily be friends with him. Are you scared of fireworks? No, but others are terrified by them, so keep that in mind. Does anyone know every little detail about you? No. You woke up one day and discovered that you were only able to see in black and white… as well as one other colour. What colour would that be and why? I guess red? It sounds morbid for it to be the first thing my mind goes to, but that way, I'd be able to see blood and therefore be able to detect a symptom of danger. What is your favourite soundtrack for a film/video game/television show? (Though feel free to name as many!) Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus have fucking LEGENDARY soundtracks. What is your favourite Pokémon? Ninetales! I also really love Espeon and Umbreon, too. And Charmander. And Pikachu. And Skitty. And... well, too many, ha ha. What is something your best friend of the opposite sex does that you can’t stand? He calls me "kid" a lot. Is the last book you read a really well-known book? It's not world-famous or anything, but it seems relatively known by teens/young adults. At least, I follow a lot of artists who make fanart for it. Do you have anything besides just songs downloaded on your iPod? No. When at the beach, do you spend more time on the beach or in the ocean? In the water. I hate the beach itself. Do you have any siblings you absolutely despise? Why do you despise them? No. Have you ever babysat before? Did you enjoy this job? Yes, and no, not at all. Have you ever busted a window before? Why did you bust it? No. Do you still get scared watching old horror movies? You watch them alone? Horror movies pretty much never scare me, never mind old cheesy ones. I don't mind watching them alone. Do knives scare you? Is it from watching scary movies? I'm terrified of big knives, and it has nothing to do with movies. It's a fear that started after Mom stopped me from a suicide attempt where I was going to slit my throat with one. They just radiate danger for me. Have you ever tried to sing opera? Did it work out for you or no? No. What was the last piece of furniture you purchased? I've never bought any furniture, and I don't recall the last thing Mom bought. Have you ever broken up with someone for a reason other than lack of feelings (ex. moving away, etc.)? Yeah; we split because we were essentially two shaky towers leaning against one another. We have to learn to straighten ourselves up independently before that relationship even becomes a "maybe" again. Has anyone ever told you that you are too picky when it comes to the people you date? What about not picky enough? Neither. Was there anything unusual or unique about your birth? Nothing really, besides being born in an icestorm. My birth itself was totally normal, as far as I know. Mom considers it pretty extraordinary though because according to her, I took one look at her and smiled so big. Says a lot about our relationship now. What was the best conversation you’ve had recently? *shrug* What is the next book you are going to read? The book that comes next in the series I'm reading. Who was the last person to do something nice for you? My mom does nice things for me every day, like making dinner, letting me live under her roof... a lot of stuff. Is there any artwork in the room you’re in? Yeah, some of my stuff. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yeah. Someone asks you what you want; what do you say? Happiness. Direction. What was the last thing you complained about? Just being incredibly sore. The gym's kicking my ass, but it needs to, so I'm fine with it. How do you feel when you hear other people complaining? It depends on how frequently and about what. It can become overwhelming sometimes, especially if it's over something truly trivial. Has your name been in someone’s Facebook status lately? No. Do you own any Sims games? Which ones? I have the original animals one, as well as the African animals one (which I surprisingly like less). What was your first job? I was a sales associate at GameStop. Do people praise you for your looks? Yeah, definitely not. Do you like your eyes? No. I wish they were bluer and wider. Tell me what your back pack looks like: My last one was a galaxy texture. What celebrity do you think is hot? HMMMMMMMMMMMM I DON'T KNOW????????????? NEVER SEEN ONE IN MY LIFE O: O: O: Last movie you saw in theatre: The The Lion King remake. Has someone you were dating ever cheated on you? No. What’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you? I'd rather not dig through the memories to find what I'd consider the "cutest." What was the last thing you heated up in your microwave? A chicken pesto bowl for lunch. Did you ever watch Phil of the Future? Occasionally, but I was never big on it. Do you have an online game that you play often? I play World of Warcraft pretty much daily. Do you prefer regular or electric toothbrushes? Electric. What was the last thing to piss you off? Truly piss me off, I'm not sure. When and where was the last time you took a picture of yourself? Months ago in my room. I want to take a new one to update my Facebook profile pic, because I think I'm ready to return there. Who was the last person to pay you a compliment or praise? The first day at the gym, Mom told me she was extremely proud of me, and it meant a lot. I truly think I can stick to this, and it's a fucking phenomenal feeling. What’s one thought you have regarding the subject of love? It can be the most beautiful thing in the world, yet simultaneously has the capability to be one of the most painful. Do you think that it’s possible to fall in love at a young age like eleven or twelve? Who am I to say, honestly. I lean towards no because at the age of puberty, you're really all over the place with your hormones and emotions, and I just don't know if it's possible for two pre-teens to have the maturity level to grasp what it truly means to be in love with someone. But again, what do I really know? Everyone is different. Are sex and sexual activities something you enjoy? Yeah sure, if it's something I'm in the mood to engage in and I'm in love with the person. What’s an interesting fact about the state in which you were born? We're the home of Pepsi products. I know, of course I would share a fact about soda, ha ha. What’s one aspect of your life that did not turn out as you expected? Where I am now as far as "adult development" goes. I don't drive. I don't have a job. I still live with my mother. I could go on and on... By this point, I definitely expected something much, much different when I was younger. What was the last event to cause you any sort of heartache? Hm. I don't know. What was the worst phase you’ve ever gone through? *shrug* What excuse did you use most often to skip school? There were times I'd pretend to have a really bad cough. I could fake a nasty cough, man. Are you shy about singing in front of people? Very. Honestly, do you put your elbows on the dinner table? Yes, because why the fuck would that matter. I don't get how something so simple and harmless is "bad manners." Have you ever taken a picture in a public bathroom? No. Yes or no: corsets? I. FUCKING. LOVE. CORSETS. UGH I wish I could pull one off, omfg. In your opinion, is money the root of all evil? All evil? No. There are some horrible crimes people can commit that have nothing to do with money. Do you own a pair of overalls? Ew, no. I hate overalls. What is the best game to play while in the car? Uh, idk. Has a movie ever made you jump in fear? I'm sure at some point. Jumpscares are hard to be unfazed by; it's just a natural reaction to something sudden. Yes or no: pickles? Bro I LOVE pickles. Yes or no: strawberry ice cream? Ugh, no. Do you know what your mom’s favorite movie is? No, actually. Are you a role model to anybody? No fucking way I am. Do you know how much you weighed at birth? Somewhere around six or seven pounds. Look outside the nearest window. What can you see? From where I'm at, I can just see the shed. What are you interested in that most people would be surprised to know? Cutesy, pastel stuff, probably. How many bathrooms are in your house? Two. Do you prefer stripes or polka dots? Polka dots. Are you considered a very sensitive person? Very. Have you ever told someone you never wanted to speak to them again? Yes. What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside? It's hot as fuck outside. You will NOT see me outside today. What does your last text message say and who is it from? It's just a thumbs up emoji from the woman who works at my psychiatrist's office. She schedules my phone appointments with him. Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them? No. Why did you leave your last job? It was WAY too fast-paced with lots of responsibilities that I just couldn't handle. Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying? No, that's awful. What’s your favorite scent of air freshener? Probably something floral and subtle. Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi? Ugh. I pick my fingernails off badly, so they're a mess rn. I also DISDAIN my feet because they are horribly callused from when I used to walk like crazy. It's so weird how I can exfoliate the area and scrub (... and sometimes tear) them off, but they're pretty much immediately back. When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play? A couple years ago with Girt and Sara, I think. We played Scrabble. How old were you when you first became sexually active? Do you mean like, doing anything sexual? In which case that would be 16. I woulda been 16 or 17 when I actually lost my virginity, though. Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce? A load of people. Does anyone not know somebody? Have you ever done a juice cleanse? No. Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in? No. That's a foreign concept here. It's one of the very alien things I experienced in Chicago; I don't really think I knew it was a thing (save for massive attractions, like Disney Word and stuff) before then. Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you? No. We live in a cul-de-sac, and our road is further into it, away from the main road.
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novantinuum · 4 years
Text
Shattering Atlas (a corrupted!Steven one-shot)
Fandom: Steven Universe
Rating: T (TW: depression and body horror)
Words: 4.2K~
Summary: A boy can only carry an entire galaxy upon his back for so long before the weight of it all finally becomes too much.
Folks, here it is! I’m finally finished. AO3 link to be posted in the reblogs.
Disclaimer: This is absolutely far darker and more drastic than I believe canon would EVER tread if this theory had the faintest chance of being anywhere close to the truth, but sometimes you just feel like being super angsty for angst's sake, y'feel? It was an interesting writing experiment nonetheless. Not gonna lie, this is kinda a vent piece. Please do heed those tags. This delves into some difficult territory both mentally and otherwise, as it's written entirely from Steven's POV.
_____
Steven knows he’s messed-up.
It’s not something he tries to advertise to all the sweet, innocent people who somehow after all this time still choose to stand by his side, but he can’t lie to himself. Spending a significant chunk of your childhood actively doubting your own personhood shatters you in ways no amount of unconditional love can ever hope to mend. And sure, he’s not his mom. He knows that. Been there, had the mental breakdown, seen it, done it. The proof’s in his gem half. He knows. But as much as everyone in his life coddles him, gently tries to reassure him while he tirelessly works day and night to realign the foundation of an entire ancient civilization...
“You’re almost an adult now, isn’t that exciting?”
“Don’t worry about the future, the futures I see for you are as limitless as they are bright.”
“Take a break if you need to, ‘kay? You totally deserve one, little man.”
“Y’know, Schtu-ball, the wonderful thing about adulthood is that you can choose to fly wherever the wind takes you!”
...it’s clear none of that matters anyways. Because it’s not true, not for him. Because beyond his identity as a Crystal Gem, beyond that bottomless desire for belonging he’s been chasing all his life, ever since the fateful moment early in his childhood in which he finally realized— small, pudgy hands clutching at the oversized hand-me-down shirt right over the pink hand-me-down gem in his belly— that he isn’t like anyone else and never will be, the truth is that he genuinely doesn’t know what he wants. Who he is.
Everyone else does.
Connie has plans. Hopes, dreams. A future. She’s already thinking about college, and aims on double majoring in political science and environmental science. (A combination only she’s daring enough to pursue, but if anyone’s got the drive to succeed in that it’s her.) Dad’s still manager for Sadie Killer and the Suspects, and they’re going strong. Amethyst has been playing tour guide to all her fellow Prime sisters lately, galavanting with them all around planet Earth. Garnet is currently on the search for terrified cross-fusion Gems still in hiding across the galaxy. Pearl, Bismuth, and a number of the boardies have spearheaded a campaign to help slowly teach and integrate the humans of the Zoo into modern day society. Lapis and Peridot recently built another barn in the outskirts of Little Homeworld, and are enjoying each other’s company.
But him? When all is said and done, as the restructured Gem society stabilizes and soon no one will need him for anything anymore, when Gems and humans alike stop knocking on his metaphoric door with handfuls of their problems for him to drop everything and solve, he has nothing left. He’s no one. No future, no clue. He’s been drained empty.
He’s just drifting through life with the parking break on, continuously waiting— his nerves jittering at every quiet moment— for the next big crisis to crash into his universe and drop feed him even the tinniest shard of purpose.
After all, what is one to do when they’ve spent their entire life training to save the world, but the world has already been saved?
_____
He can’t recall exactly when his current predicament began anymore.
Time’s been hard to keep track of as of late— the days and weeks blending together in an incomprehensible fashion— and yet simultaneously, he might as well have lived a lifetime in the span of the blink of an eye. That being said, he’s pretty sure his most recent gem troubles didn’t truly kick into gear until after the incident with the, erm... cactus monstrosities.
He genuinely didn’t mean to hurt anyone, he didn’t. He only wanted to help... to heal. To try and repair but a shred of the damage Homeworld wrought on this innocent world. It worked when Earth was poisoned, so it should work in the Kindergartens too, right?
Wrong. Very wrong.
His stomach churns as he catches a glimpse of a silly photo of Peridot and himself hanging on the wall by the stairs. A static monument to his shame. Lapis is (still, days later— or is it weeks?) taking care of her gemstone at this very moment, sure, but remembering what happened before that... holding Peridot’s cracked gem in his quivering hands, biting back cries of hopelessness as he ran to the nearest warp pad, escaping from the malformed, hurting creatures born of his own magic... it‘s the kind of horror that he’s sure will linger in his dreams for a long time yet.
It’s like he’s broken. Like his powers just aren’t coming as naturally to him anymore. It’s not quite like that time with the rejuvenator. There’s no sickly glow flickering in and out of existence. No external force acting upon it. No, it’s deeper than that. It’s not a gem sourced problem, it’s him. He’s just... wrong. He’ll try to use his healing ability and it’ll backfire, he’ll summon his bubbles and shields but they’re noticeably less durable, he’ll birth life from his very soul and it’ll grow bitter and corrupt, every bit a mirror of his present mental state. He’ll jump up high in the sky to burn out years of repressed stress in semi-peace and before he can actually do so gravity will grab ahold of him like he’s a petulant, disobedient child and drag him back to the shore. It makes him want to scream, to grind his fingers into the sand so hard his knuckles go white as he sobs out every last one of his stupid, meaningless frustrations, but instead his house is always swarming with people, and his bedroom has no real door, (and he’s too embarrassed to ask for one), and in sum he can never find enough time alone to freely be his genuine messed-up self. It’s fine, though. He doubts he’s capable of crying at this point anyways.
“Dude, you okay?” Amethyst asks with brows furrowed in concern, snapping him back to reality.
His GameStation controller rests precariously in his loose grasp, entirely forgotten in the previous moment. The game they’re playing is paused. He must have blanked out again, and completely ruined their co-op fight. He lets out a shaky breath as he tightens his fingers around the plastic grips, digging into them as if they’re his sole handle on reality.
“Yeah, sorry,” he says swiftly, plastering a smile on his face with the ease of someone who’s been growing adept at this endless charade for months and months. “Didn’t sleep too well last night. Muscle cramps from training, y’know?”
He watches her closely, catalogues every minute shift in her features. Her eyes narrow so slightly that anyone else might’ve missed it. But he doesn’t. He’s observant. He’s gotta be. It’s the only way he’s kept going for this long, the only way he can ensure no one else knows. They don’t need any more worry. Regardless, Amethyst’s lack of subtlety betrays her, because it’s clear she’s searching his expression and body language right back. His chest pounds. Hastily, he holds up the controller, feeling his face go pale under her scrutiny.
Geeze, how pathetic.
No matter how hard he tries to mask it, he‘s already falling apart.
“So... we gonna play another round, or?” Right as he says this, his stomach chooses to let out an inopportune gurgle. He bites at the insides of his cheeks, inwardly cursing at the bad timing.
It’s thankfully enough to divert Amethyst’s attention from... other matters, though.
“Yo. Ste-man. Your stomach’s straight up monologuing. Have you even eaten today?”
He dimly considers this as he tries not to focus on how empty and faint his body currently feels, mind turning to fuzz. “Uhh...”
She frowns, and promptly pulls herself to her feet. “Yeah, so I’m gonna take that as a no. I’ll be right back, ‘kay? Gonna get us some cheese!” she declares bombastically, putting on a mock announcer voice.
He watches her leave his room, prancing downstairs like she doesn’t have a care in the world. A faint huff of sheer relief passes through his nostrils. Absentmindedly, his thumbs jiggle the controller’s joystick, unable to strike the earlier image of Amethyst— concern engulfing her usually carefree self— from his mind. He really should be more careful about what he says. How he acts.
He honestly couldn’t live with himself if he slipped up and became yet another emotionally taxing problem for them to deal with. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl... all his family, his friends. They deserve peace. They deserve to be satisfied, they deserve their happily ever after. They certainly don’t deserve him, self-destructing all over the bright and shining future they’d won.
Or nearly shattering them.
Putting them in needless danger, danger that’s all his fault, because he’s broken.
His throat grows tight, airway constricted, images of black beady eyes, razor sharp fangs, and malformed limbs invading his thoughts, clawing away at insecurities long scabbed over until they ooze a bitter red. Peridot’s shrill yelp as she’s overtaken in an instant. That dreadful, immediately recognizable sound, a cracking Gem, seared onto his heart for the rest of time.
He... he can’t deny it anymore. His magic’s gone toxic. He’s toxic, bringing suffering and decay where once he brought healing. All his Gem powers are fading, maybe forever. And with them fading, he’ll soon be of no use to anyone, and when they realize why they faded they won’t want him around anyways, and y’know, it’s probably for the better they’ll have a concrete reason to finally push him away. He’s not stupid. He’s always known what an emotionally taxing strain he’s been on everyone, ever since the day Mom died for him to be born.
Steven grips the controller so hard that his fingers grow numb, mind stewing in the dark fantasies of what he’d like to do with himself when he’s left behind for good.
And then... his heart leaps in his throat as he dimly hears Amethyst begin to whisper to the others (they’re back? They’re back?? When did they return, why didn’t you notice them, how could you just miss—) downstairs.
“Y’guys,” he hears her say frantically, under her breath, “I think we really gotta talk with Steven. Something’s seriously wrong, and he won’t tell me what.”
“What, you mean to say he’s in danger? Garnet, do you see anything?”
“Hmm. I don’t foresee any external threats to Steven’s safety in the near future, but...”
“Amethyst, he’s clearly still upset about Peridot. And once she reforms in a few days, when she’s ready, he’ll be fine! Trust me.“
“No, trust me, I genuinely think this is more than just Peridot! It’s getting me super worried. He hasn’t been eating like he should, y’guys. I don’t think he’s showered in days. Sometimes it’s like he’s... I dunno, like, he isn’t even fully present. And y’know, thinking about it now? It’s been like this for a while. Since before all the cactus stuff.”
“Well, if he doesn’t want to talk about it, I’m not sure how we could—“
“We need to call Greg over,” Garnet interrupts Pearl, a new, thinly veiled panic rising in her voice. “Right now.”
His eyes stretch open wide.
Oh.
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no... Not here, not now, not— please, not now!
His breath hastens, his body outright shaking now. He curls tight into himself, the game controller dropping from his slackened fingers onto the floor as he clutches his knees to his chest. Sweat beads in droplets on his forehead. He outright yanks at his hair.
Amethyst, she can’t just waltz downstairs and!—
I don’t want to—
Peridot, getting cracked, I- it’s all my fault and she didn’t—
I- all of this- I’m so useless, careless, l- I’m losing my mind, what’s even wrong- why are you panicking!- I don’t—
T-they can’t know, they can’t know, they CAN’T—
He can’t fully bite back his cries as his gem flares burning hot, a rush of pure, unadulterated agony spiking through his hard light veins in an indescribably eternal split-second, the very experience of hypocrisy. Every single muscle in his body seizes. His ears ring, filled with a cacophonous clamor of sound that slashes through his mind with the deadly force of a long blade. Crippling. Debilitating. All-consuming. Hell. This is hell. Because then his head is pounding, and his limbs are all weak and shaky, and for a moment he’s bathed in a faint wash of pink, the glow enveloping him like his own corona of sickness as he succumbs to the pain he’s sequestered inside, bitterly festering for all these years.
Hell eventually recedes, both its note and its physical touch, but the dark clouds looming over his mind do not. Slowly, he loosens his grip on his curls, trying desperately to bring balance to his breathing. His ears are still ringing. His head is still cotton. Questions abound. For instance: what on Earth was that?? Stars, is something else wrong with his gem now, too? Thoroughly disorientated, he yanks up the hem of his shirt.
“Steven?!” Pearl calls frantically from downstairs, right as his trembling fingers gently trace the exposed facets of his gem. “Are you okay up there?”
He squints, features compressing in his sheer confusion. Visually, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. No imperfections, no flickering light, nothing. So then what’s—
“Hey, Steven? Yo?? You, uh- maybe wanna come eat downstairs, or?”
A shudder runs clear through his form, starting from his gem and coursing outwards to the furthest extremities. He grits his teeth as he rides through the stabbing discomfort, clutching at his stomach. It’s like he’s about to vomit. Sure, so maybe he was really hungry before, and maybe that has a little to do with what he’s experiencing now, but... this... still doesn’t feel right. Spots swim in his vision as he glances down again.
And that’s when he sees it, slowly creeping across the skin of his bare forearm as clear as day.
It’s a patch of dull, pinkish hide. Not human skin, hide. He runs his index finger along its perimeter, all of reality screeching to a halt as his brain performs somersaults in a desperate last-ditch attempt to contextualize the information his eyes are sending him right now.
“What?” he whispers in disbelief, (even though he has a few terrifying theories), frantic heartbeat pounding in his ears like a drum.
“I’m checking on him,” Garnet says, just loud enough that he knows for certain she intends him to hear. Solid footsteps creep across the floorboards, advancing towards the foot of the stairs.
It’s frankly impressive how fast a single stimulus can turn panic to outright paranoia.
He almost trips over himself diving to retrieve his jacket off the floor, forcing his arms through the sleeves faster than any of the Gems could ever summon their weapons. Hide it. Hide it away. They can’t see you, they can’t know you’re corru- NO! Stop.
Bathroom. He needs to get to the bathroom.
His bare feet solidly connect with the floor, toes curling inwards as he shudders again. A pulsing ache settles into the bones of his skull. Then a prickle at his neck. Reflexively, he slaps his hand against the affected locale. There’s another spot steadily growing there.
Alone, NOW.
The whole world’s spinning as he turns on his heels and flies across the length of his bedroom— sprinting past the TV, shoving past Garnet, who’s already halfway up the open stairwell, and leaping clear over the couch from midway down the last set of steps. (Everyone’s shouting in blind panic as he enters their sight. Fear. Needless, unwanted worry. Calling his name, calling for peace, but his ears are still ringing and their voices are overlapping and he can’t distinguish any of it.) When he reaches the bathroom his hand grips the knob so hard that the metal almost crumples under his force, and he swings himself through the doorway, slams it shut, and turns the lock with pink-splotched fingers faster than any one of the Gems can move to stop him.
For a split moment, things are okay. He’s alone. Moreover, he’s safe.
(But are you really?)
His head is pounding again, the pulsing at his temples soon coalescing into a constant inescapable misery. Letting his eyes flutter shut, he lets his forehead lull against the door. Flexes his knuckles, imagines the splotches disappearing from sight as easily as eye bags under makeup. He tries to calm his breathing in the meditative way Garnet once showed him. In for four counts... and out. In... and out. Come on, just ride it out, Universe. You’re a Gem- a diamond, for cripe’s sake! Control it. Conceal. Move on.
“Steven?!” Amethyst calls from outside. “Please talk to us, what’s goin’ on?”
"Whatever it is, you don't have to be alone!" Pearl adds. He doesn't even have to see her face to know that she's crying.
A renewed burst of panic spikes through his veins at this realization.
“Stop worrying about me, I’m fine!” he bites back on impulse.
“No, you’re NOT!” Amethyst hollers, and then... after a thoughtful pause, her tone softening: “I- I know you’re not.”
He stares down at his hands, brows threading together, watching as the patch of hide continues to inch across his skin. The genuine concern interlaced in every syllable of her speech is enough to make his gut churn with guilt.
“Steven, I... stars, I know you probably overheard me talking to everyone jus’ a second ago, and I know I probably betrayed every scrap of trust we ever had ‘coz of that, and I wanna say I’m sorry, but I can’t just stand aside and watch you treat yourself like garbage. Please, the door’s jammed. Let us in. We just wanna help!”
His lip quivers, despite himself. “I don’t need any help!” he insists, stubbornly pushing past the crack in his voice. “I’m just—“
He’s interrupted by a rush of crippling agony radiating upwards from his gem once more, the ache at either side of his head intensifying into three points. Hands rush to the site on automatic. Fingers grasping, searching. Discovering.
There’s something growing at his temples, he realizes with a rush of horror. Something hard, faceted. Disturbingly cold to the touch.
There’s no way to bite back his screams as the growths fully protrude, none at all, even with his mouth clamped shut, and even though he can’t see them he can sense their weight as they wind upwards and back, up and out of his curls, and he’s shaking, oh stars is he shaking, chest heaving up and down so hard he’s not sure he’ll ever be free of these awful tremors ever again, and— A hoarse sob forces its way to the surface as a third growth crowns his forehead. Trembling fingers scrape down the length of the door as he collapses to his knees, nails sharpening into gnarled talons as they sink further and further into the wood, carving through it like butter. He clenches his jaw back together so hard that with any greater pressure he might shatter his own teeth.
Still quite woozy under the threat of hyperventilation, he slowly turns his head. Extricates those dreadful claws from the door. Dares himself to look. Forcing himself back up to his feet, he gazes deep into the depths of the mirror. And as the creature trapped on the other side stares back through sickeningly pink irises— blotches of color steadily creeping up their jawline and across their cheek, inching to meet the base of those glistening crystalline horns— all known reality shatters into smithereens.
Not me, not me, not me, is the mantra he chants to himself like a prayer, stubbornly clinging to any vestige of normalcy as if this is all but a vivid nightmare he can stir awake from.
(As if deep down, a tiny, beaten-down part of himself still wants to believe he deserves a future too.)
But the darkness reflected in that mirror is following his every jerky, erratic movement as all the despair and guilt and self-hatred festering within continues to consume him like a matchstick to fire.
Not real. It’s not real! I don’t need help. I don’t need the Gems, they don’t need to know, I’m fine, I’m FINE, this isn’t corru - NO, DON’T THINK ABOUT IT! YOU CAN’T—
They’re yelling outside. Arguing, probably. (And true to form, Pearl‘s cries are the shrillest.) But he can’t be certain of anything anymore while smothered under the fog’s thickening surface, with the rest of the world relegated to mere static and stimuli. Not a word, not a clue. No way to know if it’s an argument about him or with him.
And in his mind their distress stands as yet another sign. Just another slice of proof that they truly are at their happiest without him, that his continued existence only serves as a complication. He can’t deny it anymore. He can’t lie, can’t tiptoe around the inevitable truth; like this, he’s nothing but a liability. A ticking time bomb, set to shatter everything and everyone in his path. Shaking like a leaf, he unfurls his fists, watching as the dull pink hide overtakes the last clear patches of flesh upon his misshapen, monstrous fingers.
They’re better off without you.
The passing seconds cease to exist as he convulses again, this time centralized at the base of the spinal column. He doubles over, leans into the pain. Rides it through vertebrae by vertebrae, raking his claws deep into the wood floor as a fifth limb emerges from where the spine left off, steadily lengthening— fortifying itself with jagged crystalline spikes as it grows ever longer. Its weight is entirely foreign, yet it shifts upon his slightest command. Panic overruling all logic once more, he thrashes about, the tail swinging across the bathroom counter like a whip. His toothbrush, comb, and other various toiletries he hasn't made use of in days clatter to the floor, abandoned.
R u n.
The thought rampages through his shattered soul like an avalanche. Yanks him by the horns. Consumes his mind and body like a trance. He has to escape from here, from the house, the Gems, has to run quick, before it’s too late and you can’t do anything more but wordlessly scream.
He doesn’t stop to question this impulse. Doesn’t stop to peer at that poor tortured creature in the mirror again. For a moment his claws struggle to grasp the crumpled door knob, fumbling in failure’s wake.
When he finally forces the door open, the whole world holds its breath.
Pearl’s eyes blow wide upon the no-doubt horrifying sight. Her hands fly to her mouth. “Steven?!”
Even Amethyst reacts in an adverse manner, stepping back towards the support of the wall. “Holy...” she breathes, face paling.
And just knowing he’s out here now, every gnarled, nightmarish feature exposed in front of his family like a raw nerve, makes his blotchy, spot-covered skin crawl.
“DON’T LOOK AT ME, I’m FINE!” he hollers as he sprints to the warp pad, barbed tail whipping wildly behind him. Pearl yelps in alarm as she only barely dodges its mace-like swing. Unable to hold back his sobs anymore, he collapses to his knees on the hard crystal. Coils his tail around himself by sheer instinct. Hides his face away behind arms. Hot tears spill from his eyes, vision blurring and sharpening in rhythm to the unbearable ache pounding in his head. “I’m fine,” he whispers pathetically, voice catching.
He can practically feel the vibrations through the floor as someone approaches. It’s Garnet. He doesn’t know how he knows, but it can only be her. His breath hastens against his better wishes. Can’t stop, won’t stop, can’t stop... The vision of the temple door begins to pirouette in dizzy circles around him as he arches his back, and with a sharp gasp feels something tear its way through his shirt and jacket right above his spine, all jagged and spiked and— NO! He grinds his jaw together, shrinking further into himself. Not real. It’s not real, not real, not—
“Steven,” she says in a measured tone as he heaves for air. (No, with hesitation. Fear. She’s hesitating because she’s afraid of you, she’s afraid because you’re a monster NO.) “I know you’re hurting, but I need you to take a deep breath with me, and try to calm down. Please, let us help you...”
A heart wrenchingly familiar hand reaches out to him, adorned by a ruby gem and a golden wedding band. His fingers clamp around thick, greasy curls, brushing against the horns protruding from his temples. A keening cry slips out from his mouth against his better wishes. They want to help. They only want to help...
He peeks at her through the crook of his arm, his most likely reddened, blotchy eyes meeting hers. She’s taken off her visor. She’s crying too.
For a glimmer of a second, he considers reaching out. Taking her offered hand with his own clawed one. But then...
Haven’t you been a burden enough already?
His face screws up, and his hands clench into fists.
“NO,” he shouts, slamming them down upon the warp pad. It activates, (blessedly still accessible at this early stage of corruption NO don’t think about it!!), glowing a bright cyan as he envisions where he wants to go: no particular destination in his mind but away, away, away.
After all, he already knows he’s a monster.
So... he might as well become one too.
_____
Notes:
Some days you just gotta have an entire mental breakdown and go full wyrm, y'hear?
HCs I tapped into for this fic:
After being healed, formerly cracked Gems take longer to reform than Gems who were only poofed. Peridot will be okay eventually, she just hasn’t reformed quite yet.
Steven is still able to warp because he hasn’t quite passed the threshold of corruption that prevents a Gem from accessing the warp stream. I imagine it's very much a matter of mental connection, and having the right presence of mind to tap into it. Probably a few minutes after this, if Steven were to continue going downhill and his mind fully fell into the fog of corruption, he’d no longer be able to warp. He got super lucky here.
This potential future blindsided Garnet because previously- like how Steven’s newfound maturity threw her off as discussed in Pool Hopping- she hadn’t factored in the idea of Steven being in such a low mental state. Amethyst was the first to really see past his attempts to mask it because she personally had dealt with depression like this before and knew what it looked like.
Maybe one day after SUF airs I'll write more on this topic, but as for now this will remain a one-shot. I 100% imagine Steven would ultimately be okay in this timeline, though. They'd be able to help him, stop the corruption. Steven goes to heckin' therapy. He'll live on, he'll begin to recover and cope. But that's a whole 'nother story.
Thank you for reading!
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lamortexiii · 3 years
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Cryptic Mystic: Kindred Spirits
Do you believe that living beings have souls? If you believe in souls, chances are that you also possess the ability to feel strong emotions. On the opposite side of that coin, there are people who feel no emotion at all. What causes such a huge difference in the capability of our brains and the way that we process information? What do souls have to do with this anyway? Are we born this way or simply molded through our environment and experiences? Maybe it’s a little of both…
I’ll start by saying the words “soul” and “spirit” are often used interchangeably - just so there is no confusion with the title versus the term I am choosing to use within the text. Now onto the good stuff.
The term “soul” as we know it today in America was originally derived from the Old English word sáwol first quoted in the 8th Century poem Beowulf. However, this term and its meaning has been seen in other countries including East German Gothic (saiwala), Old High German (sêula), Old Saxon (sêola), Old Low Franconian (sêla), Old Norse (sála) and Lithuanian (siela). The Germanic definition of “soul” is said to mean “coming from/belonging to the sea (or lake)”, because of the Germanic and pre-Celtic belief in souls emerging from and returning to sacred lakes.
Various religions use the term “soul” within many forms of context. All share an abundance of differences within what the term means and how they choose to use it, but all define their beliefs/experiences within a similar concept. For example, ancient Egyptians believed that people were made up of a combination of both physical and spiritual elements that are of the soul/spirit. Shamanism posits that people are composed of two or more souls (termed soul dualism) often called the “body soul” and the “free soul.” The body soul is the vessel in which you live day to day while you are consciously aware of your surroundings, while the free soul wanders when you are sleeping, meditating, or in a trance-like state. While even different yet, Scientology doesn’t believe that people have souls, but that people are souls. Within this religion, people are viewed as being immortal and can choose to become reincarnated if they would like once their life is over within their current physical body. Lastly, Wiccans tend to believe in the eternal nature of the soul; that the soul is immortal and can never die. Most Wiccans believe in reincarnation and view physical death as part of the natural cycle of life/birth/death; that while the physical body may die, the soul can never die.
As you can tell, there are definitely mixed views on what constitutes a “soul.” Most beliefs in the soul are tied to various religions. These are just a few examples, however, there are MANY more religions that believe in the soul and just as many more definitions and viewpoints! For those who believe in the soul, strong emotional ties are present within their respective religions. Remember earlier when I suggested that if you believe in the soul you probably possess the ability to feel emotions on a strong level? Makes sense now doesn’t it? It’s all tied together and comes full circle when explained. Now, I will say there are just as many people who do not believe in the soul, and I do not discredit them in any way. It’s like I always say, you choose what you believe - all are respected here. Learning more about one another gives us all a better understanding of the differences we possess; what makes us unique. I encourage you to do your research on other cultures/religions/etc., but I also feel like that is part of my purpose here - to expand your mind. So... you can just keep reading my blogs to get that monthly dose of information if you’d like. Your choice.
I’ve always found this particular conversation interesting due to the many possibilities that surround us. There is so much that is truly unknown. We take the influences around us: environment, culture, religion, social influences, etc. and we form opinions. We form beliefs. It would be foolish to believe that we know everything, for we do not. However, we can imagine, dream, research, have a conversation about it - we can strive to learn.
The Shamanistic belief in the two souls is quite interesting to me in particular due to my own personal experiences with dreams and meditation. I am sure many of you have had those dreams that felt so real that whenever you woke up you weren’t sure where you were for a moment. I have experienced this several times. My dreams are always so vivid. When I am meditating I find that I experience almost the same intensity that I feel whenever I am sleeping. I have jokingly wondered to myself if the people we see in our dreams are actually there with us because they are sleeping too. Maybe we are all in another dimension together in our dreams or when we meditate? I don’t have the answers to why these instances occur, but I enjoy speculating over them. I have also wondered if the people in your dreams don’t remember being with you, maybe you were in the part of their dream that they didn’t remember. Have you ever awoke from a dream and for the life of you, couldn’t remember it at all? Or maybe you remembered bits and pieces, but were unable to put them all together because of the fragments that you had forgotten? Another thought - maybe the people that you don’t know that you see in your dreams/during meditation are people that you have unknowingly met or will meet in the near future? There are so many unanswered questions. Sure, we have labels that we throw onto these phenomena as we do with everything else, but do we actually know? I don’t believe so. As a matter of fact, I think we are further off than we even begin to realize because the human mind is not capable of understanding these things that we do not know or understand. Again, you be your own judge - that’s just my opinion.
The premonitions that I have had (as mentioned in one of my earlier blogs - go check it out for the backstory/context), have frightened me to my core. The pure emotion and accuracy in my dreams have baffled me for several years. I have learned to accept that I apparently possess some sort of gift and move forward with my life. When I have a premonition it is always random, but due to the repetitiveness of this phenomena, they don’t really come as much of a surprise anymore. There have been times I awoke and I was screaming, crying, and one time I even swung my fists at someone (yeah… whoops). I feel silly using the terms “soul” or “spirit” so I personally stay away from them. However, I do believe that we are composed of something magical that we have labeled and viewed in different ways. For me, to know the human anatomy inside and out, to know how the body functions, to specialize within my career in brain functioning, and knowing the complexities within both neuro, mental, and physical health; it completely blows my mind that we are just these living, walking, breathing, beings that are so powerful - and that there is nothing behind that. That’s it? It just is? We just are? I think not. There are things we don’t understand and may never understand. I believe that we all possess something special inside of us. Call it what you want: a soul, spirit, or any other combination of terms - we are more powerful that we give ourselves credit for. Whatever you believe in, just know that you are a strong being that can overcome any challenge in life. You possess the power to change your life and could possibly go on to change the lives of others if you so choose. Embrace yourself for who you are and what you believe, because regardless of anything I respect the hell out of each and every one of you for simply being your badass selves!
Now, let’s talk about something that lies on the opposite end of the mushy gushy emotional spectrum. The absence of emotion can technically happen to anybody at any given time. For me, I have had 2 memorable points in my life where I went through a several-month period where I felt nothing. There was an absence of emotion. I felt hardened. I couldn’t cry and I most certainly did not feel happiness. 
The first time this emotional numbness happened was during/after my divorce. For about a year after that train wreck was over I couldn’t emotionally feel anything. I tried to date (ew) and I couldn’t feel love or pleasure. I remember telling a very nice man that was absolutely wonderful to me in every way that I wanted to end things because I couldn’t feel - I didn’t love him. I didn’t want to lead him on, and after a month of dating and not feeling anything I couldn’t bear to see him so attached while I felt absolutely nothing. It was horrible, and I felt a sense of helplessness because I couldn’t just turn my emotions back on like a light switch. It took well over a year for me to bounce back and actually start to feel emotions again, but eventually, I was able to regain them. However, I do feel like I was forever changed in a way. I still carry that hardened exterior, I don’t trust easily, I have a permanent resting bitch face, in conversations, I am way too logical/realistic and cynical for people to even begin to handle, and I struggle with allowing myself to open up to others. Nobody is perfect, and I am sure at least a few of you can relate.
The second time this happened to me was recently. The emotional numbness lasted for a few months, beginning in September of last year to January of this year. For the first time in my life I decided to see a therapist. I didn’t want to, but a couple of people in my life who care about me said that I needed to seek help from someone other than myself (haha). I feel like it may have helped a bit, but I attribute my ability to bounce back to myself and work to change the way I was thinking. I also needed to engage in more self-care because I was extremely lacking in that department last year. So I began doing things on a daily basis that served myself, even if it was for only 15 minutes. Amidst my busy schedule, I needed to make that time for me and so I did. Both instances revolved around heavy stress times in my life - the heaviest I have experienced as an adult. For me, I think that in order to protect itself my the body just shut down and shut off everyone and everything around me. I couldn’t feel anything because feeling and experiencing emotion became seen as a threat. Funny - I still see it that way at times.
Similar to what I have experienced in my life, but much more severe, prominent, and chronic, is psychopathy. Psychopathy is defined as a mental (antisocial) personality disorder in which an individual may appear to hold no morals and exhibit antisocial behavior. These individuals also show a lack of ability to love, empathize, experience emotions, or establish meaningful personal relationships. Psychopaths are sometimes egocentric in their behavior and possess an inability to learn from experience and other behaviors associated with the condition. Take for example Ted Bundy: a calm, collected, calculated, suave serial killer. He appeared to be just like anyone else if you were to see him on the street. He engaged in relationships but did not possess the ability to truly love the individuals he was with (sound familiar?) Even in court he failed to empathize with the families of his victims and appeared to be unbothered - because he was. However, as one of the most well-known serial killers of the modern day, Bundy also had a fascination with murder and necrophelia - which, and I want to reiterate this very clearly, is NOT a common thread with those diagnosed with psychopathy. A lot of people use the term psychopath incorrectly and do not actually understand what constitutes psychopathy. Does being a psychopath mean that you’ll be a murderer? No. Does it mean you can never have a meaningful relationship? While questionable, the answer is no - there is no obsolete here. Does being a psychopath mean you are crazy? Hell no - and I don’t like to use the “C” word in a mental health context because (shocker) it’s fucking offensive. Interestingly enough, there is no written formal diagnosis in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Health Disorders-Version 5) specifically for psychopathy. Instead, the formal diagnosis for someone who meets the criteria of antisocial personality disorder is said to mimic what most characterize as psychopathy. However, some mental health conditions may have a specifier such as psychopathic features. For example: in the DSM-5, under "Alternative DSM-5 Model for Personality Disorders", Antisocial Personality Disorder with psychopathic features is described as characterized by "a lack of anxiety or fear and by a bold interpersonal style that may mask maladaptive behaviors (e.g., fraudulence)."
While there is an ongoing argument on whether a psychopath is born or made, I say it is a little bit of both - and researchers agree. Children that show a lack of empathy, lack of guilt, and have shallow emotions, defined as callous-unemotional traits, are at increased risk of developing psychopathy in adulthood. These children are more likely to display antisocial behavior, such as bullying and aggression. Will every aggressive child develop psychopathy? No. Will every child who experiences some antisocial behavior develop psychopathy? No. There is a combination of factors that “when the stars align” create a predisposition for psychopathy to develop. It is truly a combination of individual genetics and the environment. So while the genetic factors are what is born within the individual, the environment further aids in shaping how this individual will develop. For example, a child who is aggressive, antisocial, and comes from a home where they are constantly physically and sexually abused is more likely to develop psychopathy, but may or may not depending on their specific genetic makeup. There are literally millions of combinations of neurons and other items that must connect and fail to connect to shape and form a psychopath. As time goes on these traits may become more dominant (indicating psychopathy) or may taper off and fall away (indicating that the person is likely not developing psychopathy and likely has just gone through “a phase”).
It is important to note that psychopathy can also be present and comorbid with other mental health conditions in any individual. The combinations here are endless. I have found that some individuals who experience psychopathy also experience delusions and hallucinations, while others who experience psychopathy have never had a delusion or hallucination in their life. The prognosis relies heavily on a special combination of genetics and environment. Genetics are a predisposition, while environment consists of direct exposures that can predispose but may also be manipulated. Each individual who experiences psychopathy experiences it in a different way and comes from their own unique background, therefore it is hard to pinpoint exactly what “type” of person truly defines a psychopath. Just like anything or anyone else - there are all kinds. We are all alike and the same but yet so very different. We are “kindred spirits” you might say. Whether or not you believe in souls, an afterlife, how we came to be, or what constitutes psychopathy - your opinion is still valid and you believe whatever you choose to believe. Open your mind before you open my blog. Sending you nothing but positivity and love. Until next time, creep it real ghouls and gals.
Cryptic Mystic Blog by PsychVVitch
www.LaMorteXiii.com
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