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#and so i take some meds but they dont do anything bc the idea of talking to my dad fills me with so much anxiety
only-angel-28 · 7 months
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1999, part four - final part!
oh my gosh. final part and what a surprise, she's a long one again💀💀ive loved writing this silly little series so so much and i love all of you very very much🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽please give me requests on what to write next bc my mind is completely blank rn, all i can think of is the cold war and bolsheviks from my history revison and i dont think they would make v good fics🤡🤡
lmk what you think of this part and your fav moments, enjoy!!
warnings: tiny angst, mostly fluff, swearing
1999, part one
1999, part two
1999, part three
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conrad’s pov
Since Y/n is unable to hold a phone herself, I'm tasked with a lot, but I didn't fully realize the worry of her family until she had me working through each task with her.
No wonder she’s overwhelmed. The number of texts from Laurel, Mom, Belly, Jere and Steven she has to sift through in a given hour would drive anyone insane.
Or maybe I'm just going crazy by sitting this close to her. The smell of her coconut soap is permanently ingrained into my memory as she sits flush against me, pointing at different texts with her uninjured hand.
I can tell her nerves grow stronger as the Uber near the hospital.
Her knees bounce up and down as she dictates message after message I need to send, confusing me more and more with every word.
The work doesn't stop there. After we check in, a nurse hands us a clipboard filled with pages of information that need to be filled out. Y/n stares at it like it might catch on fire at any moment.
"Here." I pass it to her.
Her eyes shift toward the exit. "Will you help me please? I can't write like this." Her voice drops to a barely audible whisper.
"Okay. Tell me your answers and I'll write them down."
Her throat bobs as she scans the first line. It takes her far longer than necessary to read the first question.
"Do you mind reading the questions aloud for me? I'm too stressed to concentrate right now." Her overcompensating smile irritates me.
"Are you sure? Some of the questions are probably personal."
Don't be a dick. Just do what she says.
"I don't care.”
The rigid way she sits in her chair says the complete opposite.
She seems to be one minute away from breaking down, so I concede. I sigh as I grab the pen and get started on the first question. The paperwork doesn't take us as long as I anticipated, so Y/n and I sit together in silence. She stares at the exit longingly.
The way her eyes dart around the room as she gnaws on her bottom lip makes me feel merciful enough to save her from the anxiety eating her up inside.
“If it's any consolation, I hate hospitals too."
Her head swings toward the direction of my voice.
"Yeah?"
I nod. "Haven't been to one since…"
"I know." she says as she sees my chest heaves as I remember the millions of times we’ve been here before.
I keep my eyes focused on the soundless television playing in one corner.
Her good hand clasps onto mine and gives it a squeeze. I'm grateful she understands me enough not to ask any other questions. The idea of offering another raw part of myself feels like a betrayal of the years I've spent carefully developing a certain kind of persona.
"I hate them too." Her voice cracks.
"Why?"
She stares down at her swollen hand. “My dad…” She pauses, and I give her hand a reassuring squeeze like she gave me. "Let's just say mom ended up in the ER a couple of times for being clumsy."
I take a deep breath to stave off the anger bubbling beneath the surface. "And did you have issues with being clumsy?" If she says yes, I swear to God two men will end up floating in the Chicago River tonight.
She shakes her head rather aggressively. "No. No." My rapid heart rate can be heard through my ears. "If you were, you can tell me." While I can't promise I won't do anything about it, I can promise to make him hurt. A lot. With sulfuric acid or something, those pre-med studies are starting to come in handy now.
The overwhelming sense of protectiveness hits me hard, and I don't shy away from it. There is nothing I hate more than men who use their fists against innocent women and children.
"It never got to that point. Suze made sure of it." she says with a small smile.
"How?"
"She caught onto the signs and interfered before things got bad. Used her savings from my grandpa's life insurance policy to help Mom get a divorce and start a new life." A tear slips down her face, and I can't stand the sight of it.
I brush it away with the pad of my thumb, but the damp trail still lingers. A driving force inside of me wants to erase the sad look on her face. "Did her plan also happen to include a jug of sulfuric acid?"
She forces out a laugh. "I think concrete shoes were more in style back then."
I fake shudder. "Remind me to never make mom angry again."
"Forget her, you'd have to deal with me." She holds up her injured hand like a war trophy.
"I'm absolutely terrified."
"Miss Y/n?" a nurse calls out.
Y/n doesn't move at the sound of her name.
"That's you." I place my hand on her thigh and give it a squeeze.
She sucks in a deep breath as she stares down at my hand.
Her chair nearly tumbles behind her as she bolts out of the seat, throwing her one good hand up in the air. "I'm here!"
The nurse leads us through the emergency room bay.
Individual beds line the wall, each area divided by a paper curtain.
The empty bed meant for Y/n is unacceptable. Between the person retching behind one partition and the individual on the other side hacking up their lung, I refuse to let her be seen here.
"I'd like my…my friend, to be taken care of in a private suite," I speak up. I know I sound snotty right now but honestly, I’ll be damned if I let her already horrible hospital experience get any worse.
The nurse grimaces as her gaze licks across my body. "This is a hospital. Not the Ritz. Take a seat and wait for the doctor like everyone else."
Y/n hops on the bed without any complaint, and I'm tempted to grab her and go elsewhere. The nurse doesn't seem the least bit bothered by all the noise happening around us as she checks Y/n’s vitals and asks some routine questions.
Y/n answers each one while chewing her bottom lip raw. This atmosphere couldn't put anyone at ease, least of all her.
The nurse hangs the clipboard at the foot of the bed, and I decide to try again.
"I'll pay whatever it takes to have her seen somewhere quieter. Money is no object."
The nurse only replies by shutting the paper curtain in my face.
Y/n laughs while I stare at the curtain, dumbfounded to be treated like this.
"You find this funny?"
She nods, her eyes alight for the first time all night. "Did you see her face when you said money is no object? I think if she didn't put the clipboard away, she would have slapped your face with it."
"It's not my fault she isn't accustomed to how things are done in the real world."
"Wake up baby. You're living in the real world." She waves around our room.
"It's terrifying." I say, looking away so she couldn’t see the blush that appeared on my face at the nickname.
"Come here. I'II make it better." Y/n pats the bed.
Doubtful, but I'm a glutton for giving her what she wants lately. Paper crinkles as I sit next to her. I take up most of the bed, giving her little room to get away from me. My thigh brushes against hers. She tries to scoot away, but there isn't enough space.
“Isn’t this cozy?" she quips.
I give her a small smile before she asks, “Hey! Let me see your tattoo.”
God I’d forgotten all about them. I move the collar of my shirt to show the two small ivy leaves we’d gotten. She gasps and gently touches my skin, “Oh my gosh it’s so pretty Connie.” she stares at it for a moment before I ask to see hers.
She lifts up her shirt on the side, exposing her ribcage and the two matching leaves.
“I can’t believe you agreed to get a Taylor Swift referenced tattoo with me Con.” she says as I admire the tattoo for a bit.
I smile until saying, “Hey I might be quiet and mopey but at least I have good taste in music.”
She softly smiles at me before eyeing the IV bag with horror before checking out the exit.
"What’s wrong?”
She leans closer to me and whispers, "Is now a bad time to admit I pass out whenever someone tries to stick a needle in me?"
My lips lift at the corners. I don't know why I find the idea hilarious, given her ability to watch eight consecutive hours of true crime documentaries without so much as flinching.
"You're afraid of needles?"
She sputters. "No. I'm not afraid. It just happens to be a bodily reaction I can't control."
“That's good then because the nurse needs to set you up with that IV when she comes back."
“No! Don't tell me that! I thought she was one of the good ones.”
I nod, pressing my lips together to prevent myself from laughing.
"She lied to me!" She bolts from the seat and would have tripped over her own heels if I didn't reach out and catch her.
*Careful." I place her back on the bed and decide to stand guard in case she gets any ideas to flee the scene.
Her eyes fit from me to the gap between two curtains, as if she is thinking how she can get past me.
"I'm joking.”
She scans my face for the truth before she slaps my shoulder with her good hand. "Asshole! I believed you!"
Laughter explodes out of me like a bomb, stunning her.
“Did you just laugh?”
"No."
“Yes." Someone calls out from the other side of the curtain.
“Now, do you mind shutting up? Some of us are trying to get some sleep over here after having our stomach pumped."
Fuck this place and the people in here. "We're leaving."
"Not so fast. You can't leave before I check you out." The doctor strolls in and points at the bed with his clipboard.
Y/n remains tight-lipped as the doctor checks her chart. He asks her some questions about how she got hurt, all while staring me up and down like I'm the person she was trying to injure. She is taken away for a few scans, and my breathing doesn't return to normal until the nurse brings her back.
That should be my first sign that things are getting out of hand on my end. I'm inching closer to an emotional minefield without any kind of map, only one wrong step away from exploding.
The doctor checks the scans. "It looks like you have a boxer's fracture."
Her face brightens. "That sounds badass."
I glare at her. "Calm down, Muhammad Ali. I wouldn't count today as a victory by any means."
The doctor's eyes lighten. "Next time, avoid any initial contact on the fourth and fifth knuckles."
"Please don't encourage her."
The doctor shakes his head with a laugh before giving Y/n a detailed set of instructions regarding the healing time. I'm skeptical about the whole visit and, given the setting, doubtful about the level of care. I'll be damned if Y/n sustains permanent injuries because of Dean. My chest tightens at the idea.
“Great Thanks, Doc!" She hops off the bed, but I hold my arm out, stopping her
"I’d like a second opinion." The command bursts out of me without any rhyme or reason. Deep down, I know a boxer's fracture isn't the worst thing that could have happened. But things aren't right in my head where Y/n is concerned. At least not anymore.
Both of the doctor's eyebrows arch. "For a small fracture?"
"Don't mind him. He tends to be a bit overbearing." She shoots me a look as if I'm the crazy one out of the two of us.
"Okay..." the doctor says.
Maybe I am losing it because why else would I care?
You hate it when she cries.
You wouldn't mind murdering someone who hurt her.
You took her to the hospital even though you despise them with every fibre of your being.
The signs all point to one thing: our situation is quickly crumbling, and I'm the only one to blame.
Y/n interrupts my thoughts. "I'll be sure to wear the brace for a few weeks and avoid any kind of activities that could aggravate the injury."
"Perfect. And don't forget to schedule a follow-up visit with your physician. "The doctor gives me one last look before handing Y/n the discharge paperwork. "Nice meeting you."
"Will you help me with this?" She holds out the clipboard with her left hand as the doctor leaves.
I grab it from her and fill it out.
She checks the time on her phone. "Well, at least that didn't take as long as I thought it would. I'm sure you're dying to get back home."
That's the scary thing. I didn't think about anything or anyone once during our entire time here because making sure she was taken care of was my only concern. I've spent the past seventeen years of my life thinking solely about my future, and all it took was one girl to make me completely forget about my responsibilities for a few hours.
As if that doesn't scare me enough, it only takes one glance at her makeshift brace to make my blood burn hot under my skin. I know exactly why her injury angers me more than anything else.
It's the same reason I feel the urge to push Jere away from her whenever he gets too close or the way I unexplainably need to see her whenever she is out of my sight for longer than a few hours.
You’re in love with her.
Fuck.
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y/n’s pov
We’re in an Uber on the way home, sitting in comfortable silence until Conrad breaks it.
“Why’d you get with Dean anyway?” My stomach doubles over.
Comfortable silence is so overrated.
I sigh. I’ve been dreading this question for ages now.
“I don’t know.” I answer vaguely.
Conrad gives me a puzzled look, “What do you mean you don't know? You must’ve had a reason.”
His restlessness gets me more agitated.
“I don’t know Conrad. I don’t know why I got with him, I don’t know why I was waiting on you for so long either.” I look out the window as the car stops in front of the house.
“What? What do you mean?” he says as I get out the car and speed up to the front door, taking the keys out of my pocket and refusing to carry on with this conversation anymore.
Conrad keeps yelling after me as he follows me upstairs to my room, both of us trying to ignore everyone else who joined Conrad and are trying to ask their own questions.
I slam my door shut and collapse on my bed hearing Conrad trying to calm everyone down and telling them everything that's happened until he asks them all to give me some space for now.
I cry in the silence as I hear everyone leaving from outside the door until it opens.
“Hey.”
Steven. Thank God.
“Steve…” I say sniffling.
He looks at me with a sad smile before sitting on the bed with me and taking me in his arms.
“Con told us everything,” he says after a few minutes of holding me, “did you really get a boxer's fracture?”
I laugh in tears before showing him my hand and saying, “You should see the other guy.”
Steven and I laugh together before going back to the silence as he hugs me.
“He really cares about you, you know.”
“No he doesn’t. He hates me. I yelled at him and now I’m crying here on my bed like an idiot.”
“Did he say anything to you?” Steven looks down at me.
I shake my head before saying, “He asked why I got with Dean.”
“Oh. That’s not too bad.”
“No it’s not.”
“Then why are you so upset?”
“Because I’ve been waiting for Conrad for so long and I’m just sick and tired of always being there to help him get over his breakups when he’d be so much better off with me. I know I sound selfish and none of my reasons are justified but I just thought that after everything we’ve been through together, he’d maybe like me just a little bit.”
Steven hugs me again and softly says, “He does.”
After that almost everyone but Conrad came in to check up on me and make sure I was okay, making me feel even more guilty about being all emotional like this. It’s not until Susannah’s holding me and whispering sweet nothings that my eyes start to feel heavy.
I think I fell asleep after that, I don’t remember much except waking up to the sun shining its very unwelcome face in my eyes.
I step out of my room after freshening up and I’m about to make my way to the kitchen for food until I’m stopped by something in the hallway.
Or should I say someone.
“Conrad,” I bend down and stroke his hair out of his face, “Conrad wake up.” I say gently.
He stirs for a minute before sitting up and taking my hands in his.
“Have you been out here all night?” I ask.
“Yes.” he says in a raspy voice.
God that voice would make my knees give out if I wasn’t already on the floor with him.
“Why?”
“I need to talk to you.”
I sigh before he interrupts me, “Listen, I heard everything you said to Steven last night and I know I shouldn’t have and I was eavesdropping but I’m sorry it was by accident. And I know I don’t deserve any more of your time…I’ve already wasted a lot of it but just hear me out for ten minutes.”
“No.” I try to get out of his grasp.
“Stop fighting and give me ten minutes.”
“No way.”
“Nine then.”
“Five.”
“Eight and a half.”
“Six.”
“Seven.”
I pause, knowing that he won’t let me go anywhere before I hear him out.
“You don’t deserve seven seconds, let alone seven minutes of my time.”
“How about seven words then?”
I laugh. “I’d like to see you try.”
“I am falling in love with you.”
I blink up at him. Either I am still sleeping or I must have not heard him correctly because there is no way Conrad Fisher just admitted that he is falling in love with me.
Absolutely no fucking way.
Right?
I squeeze my eyes shut as if that can erase the words from my memory.
"You're joking.
"I'm not."
"This is just another part of your game." I try to push him away, but he doesn't budge.
"It stopped being a game for me a long time ago."
"You're lying."
His brows pull together. "Ask me why I hate when people touch my bookshelf."
"Are you serious right now? What does that have to do with any of this?" I think back to his bookshelf he won’t let any of the others go near but loves to let me organise and re-organise each year.
"Because I did it for you."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"I read somewhere online that organising objects like books and things is good for people with anxiety, because then they can feel in control of something and know exactly what to expect especially if things are the same as they've predicted all the time. You love reading too, so I changed it. Bought all the books you like to read so that you’d stay and read with me more often. I forced everyone else out of my room and especially away from that bookshelf. All because I wanted to help you."
Emotions clog my throat, preventing my ability to reply.
What can I possibly say that could compare to that?
Conrad doesn't give me an option as he continues. "Want to know why I kept this plant you got me?" he says pointing to the small green cactus with “Don’t be a prick” written on the pot that we could see looking into his room from the hallway.
I nod.
"Because it was the first time someone got me a present that made me laugh."
If hearts could melt into puddles, mine would be liquified right about now.
I take a deep breath.
Remember what he did.
“Con that doesn't change anything you still ignored me for a whole year. Every time I tried to call you or text you, you’d just leave me on read or decline, and now you’re telling me you love me? Who does that?"
"Someone who doesn't understand the first thing about loving someone, but is willing to try if you give me a chance."
"You want me to give you a chance after everything? Do you think I'm stupid?"
He winces, and a bit of my anger fades away at his vulnerability.
"Intelligence has nothing to do with this."
"Easy for you to say when you're not the one who feels like a fool."
"Really? Because based on your reaction today, I'm feeling pretty damn foolish for ever admitting that I'm falling in love with you." He gets up off the floor, leaving me feeling chilled to the bone.
"Con..." I reach out, but he takes a step back.
My eyes sting from his rejection. It hurts.
“I’m not asking you to love me back. I don't expect that and I'm not sure if I ever will because I'm the furthest thing for lovable. I'm selfish, and rude, and don't know the first thing about being in a proper relationship with someone. But that doesn't mean I��m not willing to try for you if you let me."
How am I supposed to be angry at him when he thinks he is unlovable?
A pain rips through my chest at the thought of him talking about himself this way.
I get up off the floor and walk straight into his chest. His arms quickly wrap themselves around my waist, holding me even tighter.
"Just because you make selfish choices doesn't mean you're a selfish person. At least not completely."
This boy had been there for Belly, Steven, me and Jere for years without any kind of payback, especially when Susannah was going through her cancer and despite feeling an immense amount of pain himself, he shoved all his emotions aside so that he could be there for us. For me. If that isn't a selfless sacrifice, I don't know what is.
"Your logic is half-baked at best."
"So is yours, seeing as you called yourself unlovable."
His body tenses. "I'm stating facts."
"I don't know what bullshit your father told you over the years, but it's not true. Your brother loves you."
"He’s obligated to."
"No one is obligated to love someone else. Blood or not."
He takes a deep breath. "You're right."
I smile up at him. "I could get used to hearing those words."
He reaches up and cups my cheek. "Give me a chance and I'll tell you them every single day."
I sigh and look away. "I don't know.”
"Tell me what's stopping you."
"You don't do relationships."
“Good thing our feelings lead us here rather than our minds, and mine are willing to try then."
I avoid his penetrating gaze. "What if my feelings are telling me to run?”
“It's cute you think you can outrun me, but I'll give you a head start just to make things interesting." he smiles down at me.
"Do you always have an answer for everything?"
"Not for the one that matters most." The way he looks at me stirs up something deep inside of me.
Longing. I want to give him a chance, regardless of the potential fallout.
You might get hurt.
I might, but I might miss out on something special because I’m too afraid of the what ifs. I'm done being that person. Even if it means getting hurt, I'd rather try and fail than never try at all.
I stand on the tips of my toes and press my lips against his.
He holds me tight against his chest, as if he is afraid of letting me go.
I pull away, only to clasp onto his chin. "This could be a disaster, but I'm willing to try."
He shuts me up by pushing his lips against mine, sealing our new deal. The way he kisses me is different than any time before. He cups my face with the palms of his hands as his lips mold against mine, teasing me until I feel dizzy. His thumb brushes across my cheek back and forth, and heat rushes down my spine straight to my belly. He makes me feel cherished. Protected.
Loved in a way that makes me never want to come back down to reality.
I could spend forever being kissed like this and still feel like it isn't enough. While Conrad might not be the best with words, his kiss says it all.
He is falling in love with me. And I’m falling in love with him. No translation necessary.
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ahh i cant believe its finished omg😔💔...
anyways, onto the next one😍🙏
again please lmk what you think of this and please give me requests on what to do next!!
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moonshynecybin · 17 days
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Can't decide on a specific scene but i'll take anything you have to say about i'll meet judgement by the hounds bc at this point i have re-read it so many times ...
the thing about ill meet judgement by the hounds is that literally no concrete planning went into writing that thing. i was up against a deadline for a grad school assignment i was procrastinating like NOBODY'S BUSINESS had two panic attacks that week (unrelated to school!!) and then flew to bath with my roommate spur of the moment. posted that ch2 late at night zooted on my anxiety meds and and woke up to some LOVELY messages that i read on a bus when i was pulling away from the airport. insane experience. i didnt even want to give it a chapter two right away i was like IM BUSY. and then i wrote it immediately.
BUT to actually talk about the fic. like you asked <3. i actually had this idea that i wanted to follow marc's pov (at that point i had only written vale) and get inside his insane headspace leading up to his arm surgery and then be like. wouldnt it be crazy if vale was there and wanted to reconcile a bit but he was also kind of avoiding SAYING THAT. wouldnt that make marc feel EVEN CRAZIER. marc marquez saw trap simulator. inside you there are two wounds one is valentino rossi and the other is your fucked up arm. anddddd 2022 seemed like the ideal place for a rosquez reunion to me! like. dramaturgically. marc is on the brink. vale has just retired (easy to get a reason for him to have an epiphany regarding marc, made even easier bc marc pov means i never have to explain it in depth !)
and the thing about this fic is that it was supposed to be. A LOT longer. go race by race until his surgery and have them talk a lot more. change a little more gradually. but uh. ive already said my life was insane at that time and i got excited and fucking SENT that badboy. (again. i was lightly tranquilized.) which i think MOSTLY makes it better but the pacing is still little wacky. anyways i do think of the scene i cut where marc talks to alex all the time but i think i also fully deleted it! dont write fic under the influence! i also cut a BIG scene of them at the french GP where vale brings marc a sandwich and makes him eat it. it should also be noted that i was doing SO much journalism research about this period and i found a bunch of WILD quotes from marc that i compiled into a small insane vision board of them to ground my fic in his crazy way of conceptualizing his life. that i apparently also deleted while zen-ed out. so
more stupid behind the scenes under the cut
actual plot summary (my "outline") that i wrote out at the top of my google doc complete with typo:
Thinking about how absolutely distressing it would be for Marc pre surgery or right after if Vale tried to reconcile. Early 2022 before surgery decision and post Vale retirement
Scenes of Vale like. earnestl y talking to him. Marc represses a panic attack every time. race by race?
and here's what i had written for aragon, which is full of lines i just thought of with NO context or structure like this part would NOT take off the ground. you might notice some of them get repurposed later in the fic:
III. French GP, 2022. P6.
Marc’s still not out of the habit of reaching for him, apparently. He looks— God. Marc’s head hurts just looking at him. He could swear he has defenses from this, from how Marc can feel where he is in every room they’re in together. He guesses somewhere in the last few weeks he’s lost them, again. Just another thing he used to be good at.
despite everything, Marc can feel himself relax, with Vale here. The warm heat of him sharing space. He used to feel like this all the time. Vale to his left. His arm, casual and pain free, on his right. Now he's scarred all the way down both sides.
He remembers when he was a kid and he met Vale. How he had winked at Marc and said, I'll look out for you, cradling the toy car that Marc had brought specifically to give to him in his hands. How Marc had turned it over in his brain for years. I'll look out for you.
Marc bargains with himself
Marc does stupid, stupid things when Vale is in his life. He knows this. Going to the ranch is a bad idea. the press alone, if anyone finds out, would feed the paddock journos for years. It would be stupid— risky
Someone needs to tell him not to race. calm him down. Usually, it’s Álex. 
MORE OUTLINE: Vale brings him a sandwich and Marc wants to cry, terrible race. They watch a movie its very Valentino voice lemme take care of you !!! but no talking about their past lmao. maybe arm
Genuinely terrible race. That one stat about alwasy finishing top 5 or crashing. Vale like actually gets him to talk about his arm which gets no where fast (guest alex?) and riding misery begins to reach a tipping point
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daegall · 1 year
Text
[11:30]
pairing: tutor bf!hyuck x reader
genre: fluff, slight hurt comfort, established relationship!AU, college!AU
warnings: reader gets insecure a little?
word count: 855 words
a/n: so hi 🤭pls dont take this as a sign that i will come back i've had numerous attempts at writing and this was just lucky enough to work out :((
thought of this in class and nearly cried bc i realized nobody has ever done this for me HAHA
networks/taglist: @neoturtles @knet-bakery @kflixnet @nct-writers @k-radio + @soobin-chois @markhyuckselca @jaehunnyy &lt;3
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Dating Lee Donghyuck has many perks.
First of all, he is incredibly funny. His jokes never fail to brighten your mood, never fail to curl your lips up in a warm smile.
You don't know this, but Donghyuck loves your smile and no matter what, he will do anything to see it.
Second, he is very, really, super cute. Hot, almost. It's no surprise how many people would be attracted to him, with his whole goofy personality and pretty face, it's no wonder why you like him.
And third, Lee Donghyuck is so very smart. He's known in campus for being the perfect boy tutor (apart from Mark Lee). Funny, cute, and smart? What's not to like about him?
Well for starters, the fact that he's already taken.
You have no idea how you managed to have the Lee Donghyuck be with you, let alone love you, and you're more than sure other people think the same thing.
It's been stuck swarming and plaguing your mind ever since you've started dating, which is quite some time, actually.
Donghyuck's fingers wave across yoru face, scaring you for a moment, and you flinch at the proximity.
"Hey, you listening?" His soothing voice comes next, right next to you, and it's a double jump scare.
He can't help but chuckle at the expression on your face, finding you way too endearing for 11:30 in the morning.
"Oh—sorry, Hyuck."
Donghyuck shakes his head, his hand inching towards yours to grab your hand softly in his. "It's okay," He then motions towards the chemistry book in front of you two, and you realize that he's tutoring you. "Anyways, for this equation—"
Just as he was about to explain the mistake you had made in one of the chemical bonds question, a cough interrupts his words. The source of the sound is from behind you, and you turn to find a girl, a book in his arms.
She looks... a bit too dressed up for a session at the library, her pretty eyes lined with clean eyeliner and lips heart shaped in a smile. She's gorgeous.
"Hey Donghyuck! Do you think you could tutor me today about... um—" She quickly looks down at her book, as if she had jsut forgotten what she had to study for. "—Ah! Right, Kinematics,"
Her long eyelashes bat against her cheeks, the dimple on her cheek shining. Instantly, a wave of uneasiness washes over you, and as much as you hate to admit it, it's jealousy.
You're about to pack up, expecting Donghyuck to do nothing but accept the offer, but his fingers tighten around yours, as if to halt you.
"Sorry, but I'm actually busy tutoring Y/n today,"
His words surprise you, it takes you completely off guard that you make a noise between shock and elatedness.
"...Oh, is that so?" The stranger's eyes shift form Donghyuck, to you, before she smiles politely and nods. "That's alright! I'll just go ask Jeno,"
Yes, the physics major. Why didn't she think of that before asking the med student?
And as she walks away, you can't help the heavy thumping of your heart, and how it's strings are being pulled very dangerously.
Donghyuck grins at you, before turning back to the worksheet. "Back to what I was saying,"
Before he can continue on, there's another interruption, but this time, it's from you.
"Why did you turn her down?"
Donghyuck is taken aback from your question, much more from the weakness in your voice. And as he looks up, his heart hurts from how confused you look.
"Because I'm tutoring you? Why would I end our session in the middle of it to go help someone else?"
There he goes, absolutely stealing your heart yet once again. He says it so easily, as if it were always that easy. If it was always that easy, why is it the first time someone's ever done it to you?
"Nobody's ever done that for me,"
If Donghyuck's heart hadn't hurt before, it sure is now. It's swelling, and sinking, and spiraling in such hurt at your words. "Nobody should ever ignore you."
Finally, a grin forms on your lips, as your fingers tighten around his. "Yeah," There are beads of tears at the corner of your eyes, and they slip down your cheeks before you can stop them. "No, yeah, cool, that's very cool."
Donghyuck's hand leaves yours, and before you can miss the feeling of it in yours, a warmer sensation of them wrapping themselves around your cheeks stops it. Your boyfriend gently wipes away the tears, scooting closer to you.
As much as he hates to see your tears, he's even happier that you feel happy, he's glad that you feel the validation you should have always had.
"You know what?" He mumbles with a smile. "Let's ditch this worksheet and head over for lunch. They got fish and chips today, and waffles for dessert," he purses his lips and squints his eyes as if trying to remember something, "and if I'm not wrong, waffles are your favorite..."
You laugh through the tears, leaning over to bump your forehead against Donghyuck's. "Are you asking me out on a date?"
He laughs, brushing your noses together. "You know it baby,"
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actualbird · 9 months
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this sounds rly weird to say but stick with me - i wish luke would get ill in canon. obviously he has a terminal illness which would weaken his immune system and while it’s great he’s physically fit i mean SURELY he’s way more susceptible to getting seriously ill from a cold/the flu, right?? idk i think i just want to see him being taken care of bc he deserves it but also i do like the idea of him being taken care of by the nxx and them looking out for him when he gets seriously ill from a virus/bug etc etc
i got this ask Before main story 9 dropped but only after did i wanna answer it because i totally feel u.....
i feel like tot doesnt let luke get smaller ails in canon because hes already dealing With The Big One Thats Killing Him (any more wld be overkill?). and though it's also true that neurological conditions dont necessarily always affect the immune system, it's still a dang shame cuz like u, i'd adore a story where it's the others taking care of him when hes down with a bad case of the flu....and given recent main story events, i reALLY WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE TEAM HELP LUKE WITH A LOW-STAKES AIL :(((
in true luke fashion, he'd probably keep it under wraps and make excuses until his absence at an nxx meeting cannot be ignored and they crash his apartment to see him in a MISERABLE little pile of blankets trying to remedy this by himself
mc: why didnt you tell us!!!! >:O
luke: it's not a big deal :( it's just the flu and already called aaron for doctor's advice and meds and everything, i can take care of myself
vyn: have you been hydrating?
luke, nervously: ..............yyyyyes?
artem, looking in his fridge: theres nothing in here but peanut's treats, what have you been feeding yourself?
luke, still nervously: ffffood?
marius, finding a pack of sliced bread near his bed: dude, have you just been eating bread???
luke, increasingly nervously because hes fighting for his life out here: i cant stomach anything else for some reason!!!
mc: uh huhhhh, you seem to be doing a Great job at taking care of this yourself :/
luke: ;-;
cue the team helping out: helping in cleaning the place up (when luke is miserable his place gets even Messier), cooking simple foods (artem's soup to the rescue), etc etc. luke would be So apologetic during the whole thing, constantly apologizing for being a bother, which is both depressing and grating to hear. mc almost wants to take two piece of sliced bread and sandwich luke's face in them to tell him "STOP SAYING SORRY!!!" but she knows thatll probably make him feel worse, so she restrains herself
for all luke's apologizing, he does feel better with the team helping out. but then he feels bad about feeling better (because HOW DARE HE....AFTER HE INCONVENIENCED THEM ALL!!!) and it's this terrible ouroboros of shame
eventually, mc sends the other boys out on a grocery run to help stock luke's fridge with fruits and other good snacks-for-sick-person, and alone in luke's apartment she sits next to him.
mc: hey, tell me the truth. you knew you were doing a cruddy job at looking after yourself, you knew you shouldve asked for help. why didnt you?
luke: ...i dont...like it...i dont like you or the others seeing me like this
mc: pathetic?
luke: i mean, yeah. but i meant....sick. i dont like you guys seeing me sick. because of, yknow.....being sick and useless and helpless, it feels like a prelude, and everyone else is burdened picking up the pieces around me.
mc: oh
luke: yeah
mc: hm. youre an idiot
luke: ????
mc: i cant speak for the others, but i can tell you that i surely dont mind seeing you like this if it means i can help. dont you always tell me to rely on you more? how about you return the favor, luke. let us help, sometimes. let me help.
and we all know shes way too good at setting up a winning argument.
by the time the others get back, luke is a more cooperative patient and a less-apologetic one. in the back of his mind, he figures it cant hurt to let himself feel okay getting help every once in a while.
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p0rchc0ll4ps3 · 9 days
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swap au shit! i was holding off on this so i could line it and color it but i take too long with that and would never finish so here's just what i have. going just on my fandom blog until (IF) i line it coz its just doodles and a textwall of thoughts rn
fucked up harry on the far left is unrelated, and some of these look Bad but its fine tbh
anyways the idea is Kim loses his memories bc of drinking bc it's been six years and he still hasn't gotten over the death of his partner Eyes (who i've named Viorel). kim's still kim, trying to be professional and trying to do his job, but bc of the drink and drug issues he's a wreck and has a hard time keeping himself emotionally together. i don't think he'd swear as much, and being given a second chance (losing his memories and being allowed to start again) would allow him to loosen up and love life again and move on from the grief and sober up. before the memory loss, he's gotten so deep into his grief that he hates revachol and hates himself and hates the world. after the memory loss, he can start to love the world again, and it starts with harry showing up and being harry
the reason he looks different here is bc after eyes's death kim has no idea how to process it and does the only thing he can think of: become eyes. that if he becomes as cool as him, eyes doesn't have to be dead. also his bomber jacket's black (for mourning, i hc he gets the black one first before the orange one), and he hasn't been promoted to lieutenant yet bc he was too fucked up. he also hasn't figured out he's gay (neither has harry figured out he's bi)
eyes for reference (right image unrelated, put it there so the left image isn't that hugelarge. that's my cat rose)
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bc while harry is sober and medicated now, harry's still harry. silly. strange methodology for solving cases. can-opener. an uncanny ability to pick up on thoughts
bc Harry on the other hand, after going through that horrendous breakup with Dora, gets serious medical help for his issues and is now on meds and sober and in therapy. in this au, revachol would have mental health doctors haha. harry's been jean's partner for 4 years now and they're really tight i think. jean also had breakup issues, and harry helped him through that and now they have a promise to each other they'll stay sober. it's still almost toxic levels of codependent, but i dont think theyre romantically involved here bc the drugs didn't get that bad for the both of them to push them in that direction (i don't think jean would EVER do anything gay without drugs or alcohol, he's just that kinda' guy. phobic). harry still has all his skills bc he's had them since he was born
so basically theyre the same guys but if kim never got over eyes's death while harry got over dora leaving him. i wanna write a fiction about this but it seems like such a difficult task fr
text transcript under cut
First Image: Kim: "I'll get to the case, Officer. Just let me do my job." Harry: Sargent, the body's still in the tree.
Second Image:
Top Left Kim: You look vaguely familiar. Your face is blurry. Do you need glasses? Where are they? What's your name anyways? Viorel. No that's not it. Is it? You look like a Viorel.
Bottom Left Harry: They sent you here to check up on the guy from the 57th. You know where he is. You haven't caught him yet. God you wish Jean were here to help.
Top Right Kim: Harry POV (of Kim short and smaller than him) Kim: I don't know who the fuck you are.
Kim POV (of Harry): Large Blurry Ape
Bottom Right Kim Harry: Harry: Sargent, do you need glasses? Kim: Fuck no, Lieutenant.
Third Image:
Harry: "God, Jean, he's getting me depressed. Jean: "Oh come on, Harry don't get all fucking sad again. I went sober for your fucking ass. Harry: It could've been me in his place, man... Jean (not pictured/over radio): SIGH. You're gonna' make me start drinking again, Du Bois.
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noxiatoxia · 9 months
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i need you guys to know that i am really sick right now and have been bed ridden for days. and my evil evil evil friend the other day, WHILE i am sick and overwhelmed already from being so sick, drops the bombshell of "have you realized if you flip episode 21 backwards it's 12..... like midnight.....like cinderella" i actually got so fucking upseti was sick and tired and stressed and then i read that i had to take a fucking xanax to calm the fuck down i couldn't handle it. i hate it here. 12. eyah, sure, episode 21, backwards is 12. sure! ok! was this intentional ? does not even matter. it is like when somebody does the thing that is racist or perhaps sexcist and it is like, well i understand you meant nothing no harm by it beut it was still bad regardless of intentions that is what this is like, even if they did not intend for the 21 to dlip to 12 and be midnight the damnage is done. honestly good allegory for the allegory itself this awhole thing was unintnetional damafe done to ME specifically. like. guys put yourself in my shoes rigth now. i am up at 4:00am i want to sleep but i have to wait 30 more minutes so i can take my meds i am on a schedule so i wont be sick anymore and instead of speanding this time watching youtube or playing video games or doing smth productive you know what, i am thinking about the carriage allegoryand about how 21 backwards is 12. 12. like midnight.....like was that intentional dude.....like the writers, they are generally clever sometimes so like i could vision it being intentional at least a little bit like SOMEbody on the staff knew what was up. i mean it will never be confirmed though it is all speculation whcih is the worst part about all of this, like the lallegory itself i get no fucking closure it is all just guesswork and shambles. and now i am #jonker mode over hwat? pumpkin anime? the only pumpkin kaoru should be doin is pumpin ' his kin ok ok........ stop with the gay cinderella shit nobody cares. see this is why i cant handle the idea of ouran season 2 or a reboot bc, it is bad either way. 1) they bring back the carriage i m done for 2) if they do nt i will be pissed off because i want it resolved so then they are just ignoring it 3) even if they bring it back and do it well i will still be traumatized like this wont ifix anything the damahes had been dealt and i ahve to live with it forever. so for my sake i hope they never remake ouran i deserve some peace and fucking rest ok at least hold out like......3 more years or something like maybe the grief will have dulled by that time. so a remake/reboot/season 2 wont be so traumatizing to me it will be like "oh, ok" you know. i feel like i had a comparison but i lost it. i dont wantch much anime tob e quite honest. can you tell im trying to kill time waiting for 30 minutes to pass it has only been 7. fuck episode 21. fuck the fact it is a 12 when flipped. fuck mifnight, the time. fuuuuuck episode 21. why coulnt it be 22 to avoid this. episod e 21 should be the name of an std
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christphrnolan · 8 months
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Im not very familiar with Morrisey but his comments about people praising Sinead O'Connor are so fucking true. "You praise her now ONLY because it is too late. You hadn't the guts to support her when she was alive and she was looking for you."
This is a sad reality for some mentally ill people, especially those who suffer from suicidal ideation or who usually labeled as 'clingy' or 'needy' or 'attention seeking' when they reveal their feelings to others. I know Ive dealt with this myself to the point where I don't share a lot of my feelings with others and do not seek support because I've gotten a lot of people in my life tell me I'm too much for them to handle or what not. No matter how hard I try or how many meds I take. Seeing a therapist or Dr isnt enough. We need others. We need empathy and compassion. We should be allowed to be vulnerable again. Im so sick of this whole hyper independence idea society has implemented. "You dont owe anyone anything" or "if someone you know is draining, cut them out and never speak to them" while further isolating them more, as if thats going to help. I should't be scared to tell my friend Im sad. I shouldnt worry that someone will leave bc I tell them how i feel. Being sad isnt a "toxic trait" or "red flag" or excuse to abandon someone. People over use these phrases and words so fucking much. And Im so tired of people saying that they're "supportive" or that they care for suicidal people but only after it happens.
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breathplayed · 8 months
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12 - do you ever have trouble focusing on writing? how do you get around that? 
I need tips! xD
YES i have severe adhd it's been real fun trying to function in a society
what i do (some tips are replicable maybe some r not lol):
write when i Want to.... ofc this urge doesnt always strike, sometimes u do have to go force urself through a block, but i will listen to a fic playlist or daydream about the fic and it will make me Want to write down what im thinking about. having that actual desire helps lol. bc then, even if my brain is having trouble focusing My Heart/Dick still want to write so im more likely to keep pushing instead of give up
borderline sensory deprivation honestly, i can't listen to music or watch tv or anything when i write or read or think, so i blast white noise in my headphones and get completely sucked into the doc lol
i make a separate desktop on macbook that is just two windows, the fic outline on the left and the doc or writing program on the right. that way if i go to open a tab to google something for the fic i dont see other windows/tabs of Fun Stuff i was doing before that might distract me lol
i use the Forest extension with all social media blacklisted so that when my attention wanders and i open a tab to go to twitter or whatever by muscle memory, the extension puts me back in my place with the big "Ur gonna kill ur tree if u proceed" screen and im like "UUUGGHHHH thats right im supposed to be writing FIINEEE ill go back"
know when and how to give up..... sometimes writing rly isnt working but it's still good to try, if the words arent coming out right i try to settle for like. ok well i'll open the outline and i'll read over that, or reread earlier part of fic, to see if it reinspires me. if its really not working (if ur too tired/frustrated that will show in the writing style ukno) ill at least add bullet points of what the next parts of the scene should be. maybe i dont feel like writing fancy pretty sentences right now, but i can come back tomorrow and see the quick idea i jotted down on what i was thinking of doing next and that gives me a good jumping-off point
it helps to have external accountability!!!! write with a friend holding each other to a certain time period of Working on it, or just open a sprint site that has a global sprint bc then u can see other ppl working and it feels like ur racing them. body doubling with adhd helps with this too, if u go to a cafe/library and see others working it keeps u focused (like im not gonna open youtube and start watching some stupid shit with others able to see over my shoulder, im gonna Open My Doc)
this last point is only applicable if u have a stimulants prescription for adhd (or buy it somewhere i guess lol) but i definitely am 20-1000x more productive when i take my meds. the hyperfocus is way easier to kick into. sometimes when i pop my silly lil pill i can write like 4-7k average in a 3 hour sitting
Best of luck... Never give up........ also helps i think to pay attention to what conditions work for u and replicate them, like where u write best!! last summer i got one of them fancy clicky raised key keyboards + a riser for my laptop and that made typing fun, ill probably return to it eventually i just have it packed away atm
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clonehub · 1 year
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thinking of how id want kiki's first animation debut to go. there's a few options:
First, when she rescues crusade squad from a separatist testing facility and confronts the jedi who wants to expose her secret network of escape plans for clone deserters.
Pros: hospital gown!kiki where we can see her Arms, a good introduction for each member of CS since they'd be separated and in different conditions, good tease into what kiki's hiding (with the implication that Bliz knows but is keeping it secret/hiding that he knows from kiki), a good show of the grey morality of kiki (yes she's saving the clones but she's choking out like 8 different normie scientists to do so), a Lightsaber Duel, a huge bloody nose, and a one-hit standoff in the rain
Second, the gala arc. All pros except for the fact that it's later in her time in the GAR and literally the next day she's pushing into the deicion to leave the Order entirely. so anything after that would have to be a) EXTREMELY dark and b) her in the process of leaving (this is also nearly a year before O66)
third is a good if underdeveloped idea. they're moving civilians from one area to another to keep them safe from seppies (good to show how even if she tries her best, there's still harm because she's forcing a relocation that people dont want even if its to get them out of harms way). shit hits the fan. she's injured and taking the losses personally but she's visibly trying to hold herself together despite both these things. Bliz, sensing this, is like "I can finish up here, sir" (good: shows how in tune they are). Kiki walks back to her room. shes smiling at the clones she passes. she shuts the door. the room is dim. she leans heavily against the door and slides down, breathing hard, her brown furrowed in pain. its silent (not even music). she pulls her knees up and you think you can hear her start to sob but then her comm rings, its Bliz asking if she wanted to hit the mess (good bc it shows how in tune with her he is). kiki says no, crawls/limps to a drawer that has some medical supplies (shows that she's done this before). shes trying to patch her hands when she gets a comm from Cord (CMO) telling her to come to the medbay rather than doing what she's doing (shows she's done htis before). kiki refuses. cord threatens to send a medical droid down and have her escorted, but in a sort of sarcastic way, like "i could have the med droid escort you if that would make you more comfortable, sir (it wouldnt and it knows this)" so kiki has to haul herself to the medbay
this would be the last episode/scene of a four-part arc that would take place earlier in the war. its only a few months in and we can already see that the war is breaking her.
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flockofdoves · 8 months
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struggling a bit w ED relapse rn because after i went to the ER last week they prescribed me doxycline and metronidazole. both can cause nausea and other stomach issues and metronidazole makes everything taste a bit gross making eating less enjoyable and ive been on doxycycline before and still have never figured out how to deal with the facts that it both is 30% more effective if taken without food but destroys your stomach if you do so directions will like simultaneously say to take it with and without food on different parts of the packaging lol. and i have to take it at breakfast and dinner time. and if you have it within two hours before or after anything high in calcium it creates a chemical reaction that both makes it a lot less effective and that is digestionally painful. and in ED recovery whole milk (lots of calcium) has been a huge help for me in giving me an easy way to supplement with a calorie and fat dense food to make sure i eat enough even when i have low energy. and cereal or breakfast sandwiches involving cheese and mayo are some of my go to breakfasts because i need to reliably be able to eat enough to start my day without having to do much thinking or prep so that ill have enough energy to be able to do stuff like think about cooking for my later meals in the day.
and like replacing those with nondairy milks/cheeses even if those tend to be less calories would be fine as a solution during the next week if i just made sure to eat more but i went fucking insane in the supermarket today looking at every single nutrition label in the dairy substitute section and realizing even the ones that should have almost no calcium naturally are fortified with it to make it more like cows milk unless theyre fucking coffee creamer.
obviously the ideal solution to this is finding well thought out alternatives to my usual go tos while im full and have the energy to think about it (having a lot of fatigue as a side effect even when eating enough tho) and then after that i think im being reasonable to decide that for my specific circumstance making sure im eating enough is enough of a concern that it should outweigh any dietary restrictions when it comes down to my options in a moment and in the end might even specifically be more important to ensuring i heal from this properly (even if the resulting pain reminding me that the meds arent being absorbed properly makes this whole process feel a little pointless)
but god am i having such trouble with not just the ‘eh i dont really need to eat im not feeling it im not even too shakey yet’ part of my ed i still often fall back into but also the part of me that was so obsessive about what my food was made up of and what i should avoid and ‘oh might as well just not eat’ is having a fucking field day for the first time in a while bc theres an actual understandable and concrete Reason for a restriction but that still doesnt mean that me consciously making the decision in the moment that i just physically really need to eat and something with calcium is the only accessible option and then i start eating it and am still really hungry but then that restrictive part of me is like ‘noooo this is bad just stop eating’ is helpful at all. its just falling into the worst of both where im not eating enough And my meds arent fully effective lol.
anyway lmk if you have any low effort low calcium high calorie breakfast ideas. i know theres a lot out there but im just too wrapped up in everything to brainstorm effectively
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failed221b-chill · 1 year
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Day 2 of new meds.
In short, I am anxious and restless and cleaned the whole kitchen because tomorrow is extended family traditional christmas day and it's probs gonna be A LOT. But this got long so it's under the cut.
Started day off strong with thinking about eliot spencer. Filled the dishwasher and had my breakfast and meds. Reading most of the morning and afternoon just yknow enjoying being able to see and read again.
Forgot to have lunch because engrossed in reading and story idea thinking and got stuck in bed and needed external help to get myself out of bed and eat something at 4pm. Brother literally had to pull me out of bed. I was anxious, I think.
Watched tv with mum and dad. Not quite comfy at sitting still but nothing badly noticable.
Some quite intense vertigo in the early evening when I stood up after a few hours of sitting still. Like. Never had it go on so long after standing and had enough time to get worried that my vision wouldnt come back to normal before it did.
Restless evening after dinner.
I just finished cleaning the whole fucking kitchen entirely unprompted just because I thought it was a good idea to save us having to do it tomorrow morning before we've got to go to family xmas.
Like. I emptied the dishwasher (usually my brothers task but I did it), filled the dishwasher, handwashed everything that couldnt go in the dishwasher and dad had been making stuffing and apple sauce for tomorrows meal and had left the kitchen in an absolute state with a lot of appliances that needed handwashing and I just... put my music on and boiled the kettle a few times for hot water bc we didnt have any coming out the taps and washed up everything.
And then I wiped down all the sides and dried up everything and put it all away.
And then I cleaned the hob with the grease remover. And then I had to stop because there wasnt anything left to do and everyone else has gone to bed because it's 10pm and I didnt want to make any further noise that would disturb them.
But now im sitting in my room still feeling restless and im used to only rarely having an urge to clean and having to ride that urge all the way to completion of every task in existence. But i dont have anything left to clean but I still feel the urge to clean.
It is probably most likely anxiety and it is probably a combination of social anxiety about seeing extended family in person for the first time since covid and since I came OUT to them online when their responses were uncertain and terifying to anticipate and i still dont fully trust the nice responses i got from some bc i just havent seen them since to have proof they still will talk to me, and knowing we're taking a sweet but dreadfully boring and awkward uncle in a car ride for a long time and I will have to be the one to somehow maintain conversation with him, and the meds naturally making me a bit more anxious and restless than usual because of being in the very early adjustment period.
Sooo yknow. Prime anxiety moment. Oh and mum and dad are both still sick sooo thats gonna be fun. Dad always gets mega anxious about family holiday events so that rubs off on me naturally and I have memories of previous times. The journey is going to be over an hour and the rest of the family are all still part of the cult i escaped from and soooo who the fuck knows how any of tomorrow is going to go down.
Hopefully nicer than my anxiety is making it feel.
I'm looking forward to seeing my cousins and my cousins' babies. Mildly terrified bc i think two of them are the same age as kip was when i last got to play with him in person before he died and i am not sure how im going to handle that. Im much much better at being around children in general again now, especially older children thats not even a little bit upsetting to me anymore. But i havent been around 3yr olds since i was playing with 3yr old kip. And that was far too many years ago now. Hes been dead 1yr and 5months and he was 5 when he died. And i like... dont want to have to explain to other family members about that tomorrow because its such a fucking downer on conversation to have to be like oh yeah um children die sometimes and it fucking SUCKS and i am not okay about it but i dont want to make it other peoples problem.
I have nothing to tell family members in small talk about my life aside from that i got my masters and I'm still alive. And even talking about that involves talking about Kip's death.
Ugh. So yeah.
But I hope that most of the day will be nice. I will be a nice sociable person and I know I can escape conversations or certain relatives and find solace with other family members. Theres gonna be that many of us there. Thats another thing im anxious about. I havent been in BIG groups of people in a long long time. I havent been crammed into two rooms of a house with 30+ people and a large handful of toddlers in a very very very long time. I am not prepared for the noise and because we're giving my sweet but dreadfully boring and awkward uncle a lift in our car i wont even get quiet before or afterwards.
So in retrospect, no wonder i cleaned the entire kitchen. I am very anxious AND i have done something with that anxiety that will make tomorrow easier because now mum and dad dont have to stress about having a messy kitchen and no time/energy to clean it. I fixed a problem for them. Dad might be nice to me and I might avoid being yelled at in advance of the going to family event as is his usual routine bc he cannot handle stressy situations and we just have to work around that bc he has his own issues that probs need decades of therapy to resolve.
Oh and all my other cousins are married and have kids or have travelled the world or have long term partners. And theyre all straight. And evangelical cult-y. And employed.
So yayyy for me and my brother being complete odd ones out and probably getting asked all the when are you going to get XYZABC???
Thankfully nannan and pa will be there and i havent seen them in person in a long while so i have an excuse to just sit and chat with them as much as possible.
I have my lil close circle. I'll be fine. I'll probs end up being very happy that the tiny children are there and play with them a lot and it probably won't upset me too much about the Kip comparison and never-will-happen-agains. I hope.
So yeah. Anxious. I think it helped me to type all that up. It's only one day and I like enough of my family and this family tradition of pork and pickles is very special to me and I'm glad I've not been banned or uninvited and most people were okay with me coming out online even though i have such a horrid feeling that it wont be quite the same in person. But eh. It helped me to type all that up.
It is only one day and there are plenty of things to look forward to and i know boundaries and how to protect myself and that i can just leave and i even know the neighbourhood around my auntie's house and can take myself off for a walk if needs be to clear my head of the noise level and i can just say im on new meds if i dont want to explain why anything bothers me. And im really hoping the cousin closest to my age will be there because i havent seen her in ages and now we both know we're adhd and we both can speak at least some mandarin so i kinda just wanna chill in a corner somewhere and practice my mandarin with her lol.
It will be fine. Anxiety is making it feel a bigger deal than it is. I will laugh at least once and have at least one very pleasant conversation and eat at least one very nice item of food and hug pa at least twice and i will leave with a few presents too which will be nice and i will play at least one game and i will exchange at least one knowing eyebrow raise with my brother when someone does or says something batshit or predictable and i will eat some chocolate and my auntie has a dog who I'd forgotten about until right this minute but i used to dogsit her and shes lovely and she likes me so if all else fails i will just sit on the floor and play with the dog. I dont have to be anyone other than me and if other people dont like that then thats their problem. I am going to go and hope and try to enjoy myself as much as I can.
It took me about an hour to type this all out but i think im calmer now. At least able to see things in a better light and bring a better attitude from myself to tomorrow.
Got myself some chamomile tea and gonna reread a chapter of redfic to help me soothe into sleepy times now. Thanks for reading if u read it all its a lot of anxious words i appreciate the care and curiosity and im gonna be fine its not going to be dangerous just some aspects might be uncomfortable but i am very resilient and capable and aware of what treatment i deserve so i will leave if i dont get it 💖
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uncannycory · 1 year
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Okay okay im really high so ima ramble about my life
When i finish handling this round if things in my life going wrong again im going to try and set specific times for me to do some yoga and also write. All of my wips have been harsly touched for like 6months. Anything newer is just little paragraphs here and there and ita driving me insane. Im glad i still am rping some or id probably pop because ive been struggling so much trying to write and make time for writing.
This last month ive kept myself busy though. I hardly get downtime its errands and dnd and people making plans. And my dad being in and out of the er and slowly dying essentially ane my husband having bronchitis and being out for a week and now hes had a migraine for essentially a week and were finally gor a new vet for our dog because our previous one was
A. 30 minutes away and
B. Not addressing or taking us seriously with the fact that ourndog us drinking SO much water and CONSTANTLY needs to pee and we couldnt even sleep a full 8 hours without her peeing in the house
So i asked our groomer if she had a vet reccomendation and she recced me to a one vet clinic and oh my god i already appreciate this man so much??? We set up a essentially first vet visit to set up her scripts and meds therough them and to talk about the peeing and water consumption and some hot spots shes had and this dr was??? So good??
Like he listened to my concerns and took everything i said very seriously. Weve been trying for like 6-8 months to get the other vet to take us seriously and this vet immediately has tests put in and he found the answer! It took a couple hours and was expensive, but my dog is a medical mess so she has a savings account for this sort of stuff.
But she has cushings disease. And thats not super great but it's something that can be managed im SO happy to have a really good vet close by. They have to do a stim test with her though, and apparently the hormones they need for that are like 3 weeks on backorder for like ALL the vets in the area and they apparently called around and manages to order some but it wont be in until tueday ish next week or later.
So its just stressful long busy days weeks in a row.
There are good things about being busy though. Some of it is good things even if i fund the event itself somewhat stressful.
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New couch and chair!!!! And all that garbage behind it is gone too!
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Which is where my new antique gaming table lives!!! And a temp chair my husband grabbed from the curb essentially. This js so cute and i love the paw feet on it 🥺💕 it was a little expensive especially since i had to rent a home depot van to pick it up but we have furniture now!!! And im trying to prioritize pieces i really love and are a higher quality
And my husband also grabbed another fully wooden little table with bird feet for free and it needs to be sanded and refinished but omg its so cool. Dont got a pic of that. BUT!!!
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New to me antique hand crank singer sewing machine!!! I have wanted for a long time a sewing machine that might hell me make some nice tailored things to me and my style, but i loath the sound of electric machines. Ive seen some youtubers use this, and while it seems like a different skill to use the sound of a handcrank is much more enjoyable to me!
I should probably get myself together and do my hand mending first though big sigh
The stressful part about thr sewing machinr though was it came in such baaad packaging. It didnt damage the actual machine but it was wretched a bit off its base. Im able to fix that but it was really scary that pieces had come off it and were coming out the hole in the box when it was dropped off.
Some nice people on reddit helped me with making sure everything looked alright bc im new to antique machines. People can be so nice, they sent me manuals for it as well!
I need to learn a lot of basics, but i kinda have a light jacket idea i want ti make for my husband if i can get good enough.
So yeah theres been a lot of good things too!!!! Its just being busy and having to go places are such overwhelming activities to me and leave me exhausted. So ive also been doing like house things like laundry and cleaning and working monday through friday and dnd twice a month and oh my gooood i havent had time to STOP it feels like.
And next monday the fucking hoa is finally sending people to patch the holes in the ceilings from when they had to fix the sprinkler in our apartment. Which FINALLY but also its been moooonths and its at 9am Q_Q my husband will probably be home and awake but im still anxious for it bc im normally asleep and tired at that time bc i get off work at 2am now.
So hoa monday and vet things and fuuck this weekend i need to go to the place to get my laptop fixed which is more $$@_@ and i have packages i need to send and i really need to clean the bathroom this weekend and fold the cloths but i WANTED to empty the bookshelf in the living room to put it behind the dining/game table and display or dnd books and cards and board games.
Life has been a lot and all its been good and bad and all i want to do is write
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gormbus · 2 years
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i chose "body and brain hurt all the time. migraine forever and ever" in exchange for the ability to balance/distribute my weight/use my hand(s) to claw-grab something to brake & slow my fall (if theres something to grab) WHEN i take an accidental tumble from a significant height that couldve easily killed me dead, but i walk away completely UNSCATHED totally UNINJURED every time
most notable within the last year:
I.
made a pact with a friend to get shredded and ripped last summer. shitty pull-up bar i bought came unlocked from exterior screen door off the porch (facing outwards which was literally the only door + placement the bar fit in the entire damn house) when i was at the peak of a pull-up & there was a drop from the porch with a couple steps below & i tipped just straight back in an arc and fell 7 or 8 feet to slam the back of my head into a hard wooden step.
went to the ER. doctor checked out my noggin & was like,
"ok i have no idea how, but you are completely fine." then gave me a couple ibuprofen and a gatorade & sent me on my merry way...
by the next day i wasnt even sore or anything. i live by gumby physics. mr bean rules. slapstick lifestyle... looney tunes.....
II.
a week ago, i was skulking thru the underbrush at night in complete total darkness deep deep in the woods of a west va national park way up in the mountains (evading my dipshit father for good reasons via evasive maneuvering + sneaking), & i was skirting the riverbank at a spot next to this bridge where the banks were steep & maybe 6 feet above the actual river (however tall they were (spoiler), i had to fully climb vertically back up the bank to get out & im 5'9")
the river at that specific point is relatively low & has sooo many rocks of all sizes sticking out above the water + the riverbed there is just. slimy rocks.
so i was doing a sorta gollum crouching walk/crawl. and. tipped backwards off the bank.
& i??? somehow??? oriented to land on my feet, bent my knees on impact instead of locking them, & used one hand to grab the bank w my nails on the way down enough to slow down a good bit???? and?? my feet landed at different heights bc one went deep into a little underwater hole lined with rocks, and i just??? bent each knee differently to compensate and land my feet at the same time?????
i had like soooo much shit on me too. all my treasured little items. fanny pack full of essentials, including meds + wallet + multiple electronic devices, and. a plastic back of stuff tied to one wrist that literally had a whole entire book in it???? and not a 1 of those things got wet????? (they mock me for my high-waist fanny pack lifestyle, pointing and jeering in the town square etc. etc., but it is they who r made the fool in the end......)
and just after im standing there waiting for my body to catch up to my terrible injuries, but the pain never came. and i kept checking the rest of the night in case i'd i guess broken my leg or somethin and not noticed
there were 3 consequences of that fall tho:
1. stubbed 2 fingers (right middle+pointer) like toes when i grabbed the bank, but that went away in less than 20 minutes
2. accidentally littered :(((( i was carrying a crushed empty beer can in that same hand and reflexively threw it really hard to free my hand up to Grab
3. bottom third of my favorite red basketball shorts got wet (landing position meant pretty small splash). riverwater stink yet to be removed from them :'''(((
oh also also also i remembered i had this
so here's the pic i showed the doctor at the ER of the pull-up bar fall with handy arrow to show the trajectory and impact point of specifically my head:
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i cannot do any of this voluntarily. it's my only really solid athletic skill. doing some neo of matrix shit when i take a tumble... no other time
there is one big issue with it in that i ONLY have falls/general physical peril incidents that are obviously my own fault and because of my dipshit decisions. but when youre not injured u dont get any of that sweet sympathy from people u just immediately skip to the "LMAOOOO DUDE REMEMBER WHEN YOU..." stage
#broke my fall the first time mostly by hitting the first step flat on my back & THEN my head bounced off the step but like perfectly#positioned with my body on the top step and my head on the second one w my neck perfectly bridging the gap between stairs#i could make a list including a handful of other backwards falls & also the same uninjured incident shit with a dozen or so other kinds of#peril/injury situations ive gotten in (most commonly fire-related or falling down hills)#but im not gonna type all that out. im a busy man#anyways#yea i went and took a picture of the spot after the fall before going to the er i was waiting for my mom to drive home anyways#bc it seemed like i probably shouldnt be driving a car myself after that bonk#u know that popeye comic panel w/ olive oyl and the Bonkus of the Konkus??#thats literally what me and my mom call that incident & she kept sending me that pic while she was waiting for me to get checked out @ER#like in the waiting room while i was waiting for the doctor to show up n check my reflexes + pupil response more and more confused lol#also in middle school gym class this girl came up & grabbed my shoulder and yelled in my ear as a joke & i did a sorta squat throw where#i kinda flipped her over my shoulder??? like she was fine it was low to the ground but i have like. cougar reflexes... puma abilities...#60% sure these tags are gonna post out of order in an incomprehensible spaghetti mess but SO BE IT lol consider it a bonus puzzle activity
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ferrn0 · 11 months
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REGARDING POSTING
heads up / TW: this looks at personal stuff + vent(? sorta) ALSO this is not super important / not essential for you to read
TL;DR:
less posting due to massive lack of motivation
want to post more and take art serious but its hard
could be depression or hormones idk dont know what to do
overthinking lots -> dont know why this is happening
crave regular change but havent had it + difficult to get change bc of parents -> maybe this is why??
going to try my best not to stress abt it
do not worry about me, im going to be okay
i havent been posting much proper/ finished/ full art ( not sketches ) because ive been really struggling with motivation this year. For all i know, it could be a depression(?) thing or perhaps hormones ( i have a uterus unfortunately) or maybe it just comes down to ADHD.. i do take medication for adhd but they dont really do much regarding dopamine so my motivation is still kinda low even when i take the meds. I really want to be posting proper art and i want to take my art more seriously however, without motivation its really difficult. Im finding myslef slipping back into what feels like a depressive mindset. kind of. yet, im super happy in so many aspects of my life where i used to be affected by this mindset. I have found a better group of people to be around ive found more things i want to do and ive got goals for the year- i didnt have those this time last year. And now.. my creativity has been affected and i dont know what to do.
-
I feel guilty for not posting. Or maybe i feel frustrated that i dont post (which leaves me with noone seeing my work). Either way, i want to post. but i cant get myself to.
this leaves me thinking...
"maybe i just need to improve my skills"
"maybe im not putting enpugh effort in, what if im just not 'trust(ing) the process' enough"
"i might need to just try a new medium"
"maybe i need a new intrest or fandom to join so i can make fanart"
"what if i was just qrong my whole life and im not cut out to be an artist?"
"perhaps theres something else wrong with me and thats why i cant get myself to do things"
And this circles round and round. So what do i do about it?? should i just take a break and not focus on posting? but i already do that anyway! do i just try to do a month long or a week long challenge? but i always miss days and eventually give up!
The more i write about this the more i realise i am not okay. and that im getting worked up over a small thing. but i am miniscule and to me this small thing is ginormous.
-
i am a kind of person who craves change. but only when i want it. And i have gone a very long time without the kind of change i need in my immediate environment. so maybe thats the issue. but i happen to be a child. who lives with his parents. so that causes some problems, dont it? not that my parents are horrible people or incredibly unfair. but because they have their own ideas of how we (me and my brothers) should grow up and what sort of privileges we get ect. because they are my parents. My parents believe that we should each have atleast one physical out-of-school activity we do each week. I do basketball. and i have been since i was in grade 5. its been almost 5 years. dont get me wrong, i love the game and i love playing it. but i find myself dreading going to each game everyweek. i need change. i want to quit bball. i also do drama classes each week(since yr 6/7)- but i like that. and i dont want to quit. because its different every week, every year. My bedroom has also been that same for the past 3 or so years, yes i have moved things around, but the furniture hasnt changed, and the walls have been the same colour with the same wall stickers since we moved in when i was in year 1. I spend a lot of time in here(my room) and it doesnt feel like mine anymore.
-
TW- eating
my medication for ADHD gives me a smaller to no appetite during the day. I no longer bring much or anything to school to eat. i dont really eat breakfast either(but i did that before i got meds anyway). I still eat dinner everyday, just a little less that i used to. and i will eat lunch (depending on situation) during the holidays and weekends mostly because it ends up getting made dor me half the time. i do suspect the rather sudden change un my eating habbits might be affecting me. but nothing terrible has happened to me yet(i have lost a few kgs but that isnt worrying as i was a little overweight beforehand). perhaps this is affecting my motivation too. but who i am to know for sure?.
END OF TW
-
i think i will just continue as i have been. but i will try my best to not worry myself over not posting. although i cannot make any garantees. not many people follow or interact with me here so i doubt this will cause too many concerns but if it does, please do not worry. i will be okay. i am working on myself.
I apologise to those who want/wanted to see my work more/more often. i hope this all makes sense and that you can understand ♡
with sillies,
thomas[FERRN0]
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writer-in-theory · 2 years
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i need to just fully let out everything that's going on right now so it's going here. i'll delete later when i feel normal again.
just like, disregard or soemthing lmao.
tw depression, delusions/paranoia, chronic pain, covid related hospitalization (family member), past abuse, bugs, finances, weight gain, past ed
i just dont know how im meant to be dealing with any of this shit. i cant deal with it i really truly cant but im gonna anyway bc thats apparently what it takes to survive.
ive had so much schoolwork and mandatory volunteer hours and working so i have enough money to eat that i dont know when the last time i slept for more than 2 hours a night is. i'm constantly exhausted and i never have enough energy for anything because of it. i'm falling behind in my classwork constantly and i'm so fucking stupid i can barely do it anyway and i just.
and a family member is dying from covid related problems. like they're officially in end of life care so we're just sitting around and waiting for it to be over and that is one of the worst feelings i have ever experienced between the pain and the guilt in wishing it would be over.
and i am in pain constantly. from the volunteering, and i can't drive so i have to walk everywhere bc this fucking country isn't built for people who can't drive.
and my mental health is plummeting at a scary rate and i cant get the meds i need to get through it. my paranoia and delusions are getting worse and i dont know how to cope with that anymore.
and some stuff has brought up some history with a past relationship and so now i keep getting reminded of that shitty shitty ex and i wonder if he'll always have some kind of hold over me bc i dont know how to ever feel like the old me again
and between the finance problems and the anxiety/depression and the exhaustion my diet has been actually terrible. i never have time to eat and when i do it's something actually terrible nutrition wise. somehow despite averaging 1 tiny meal a day i'm still gaining weight, which is not a great feeling or habit when i've been in recovery for an ed for so long.
not to mention im pretty sure my apartment has a roach infestation but the pest people "cant find anything" so they cant treat it so im just left with this panic of roaches being in my one safe place i have, and for someone with contamination issues that is the absolute worst.
not to mention i recently lost my entire irl friend group but all these problems make it impossible to meet new people, and i'm pretty sure everyone online actually just hates me because i am quite literally the worst to be around. i'm not fun, i'm not interesting, i'm a bitch all the fucking time like why would anyone want to willingly talk to me. so now im just left with this feeling of being perpetually alone and it, it sucks, okay?
im just struggling and i have no idea how to get through any of this alone.
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angel-anoetic · 3 years
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halllooo 🐌 anon here! i know i havent requested anything for a while but thats just bc i didnt have any ideas and ive been kinda busy but im back and ive come with another c!ponk request! okay so reader (gn or he/him) works with las nevadas but ponk doesnt know that but one day they get curious and follow reader to las nevadas and hes pretty surprised and i dont really have any idea of what happens next so u can decide! it can also be fluff or angst or whatever u feel fits best! anyways make sure ur eating and drinking enough and getting enough sleep and taking ur meds if u take any and byeeeeee
hi 🐌! no worries i'm glad to have you back! i chose to use he/him and make this kind of angsty, if that's okay. stay safe and healthy anon!
Don't forget to like to save and reblog to share!
c!Ponk x [he/him] Reader - Truth
genre: /rom, c!ponk, angst with happy ending, las nevadas!Reader
warning: none! (let me know if i missed something)
masterlist <3
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The sun was starting to rise, the morning dew shined on the grass outside the window. As much as you hated it, you knew sooner or later you would have to pull away from Ponk and make the trip back to Las Nevadas.
You sighed and looked over to him, sleeping so peacefully, quiet and calm breaths escaping their mouth. You smiled and began to roll out of the bed. You were almost out of the bed before an arm wrapped around your waist.
"No...don't leave me, stay here all day." Ponk groaned, half asleep.
"Ponk I've gotta go to work love."
"Nope, no work." You laughed, falling against him slightly. You placed a hand on his cheek, stroking your thumb against his cheekbone.
"I've really got to go. I promise I'll be back soon." You kissed his cheek, removed his arm from your waist, and got up, grabbing your jacket before closing the bedroom door.
You walked through the greater SMP, admiring the new pop-up buildings, and reminiscing on the old.
You didn't even notice a still half asleep Ponk following behind you. For as much noise as he was making you couldn't seem to notice. You were lost in your own thoughts. For the last few months, you had to keep your place of work a secret. You weren't sure how people would react to you working at Las Nevadas, and further, for Quackity. The only people who knew at this point were Quackity and the others who were beginning their transition to the new faction.
Ponk had struggled after the Red Banquet to forgive Quackity, even though it was Q who had technically freed her from the Egg's grasp, something not even you could do. But Ant had lost a life, and Ponk wasn't sure if they could forgive Puffy for that or Quackity for allowing it.
You waltzed into the Needle, Quackitys headquarters and took the elevator to the very top. Ponk hadn't risked getting spotted by anyone and stayed at the ground level, waiting, watching.
The elevator doors opened up, and you walked over to the railing, Quackity standing, looking over some papers.
"What can I help you with today Big Q? And we gotta make this quick, I have a lot to do today."
The man snorted, "Yeah, right. Now would I be where I am right now if I let people who work for me tell me about how much time they have? No, I wouldn't. Take a seat."
You sighed, quickly pulling out your message to send Ponk a text about how you would be late. Q sat across from you, going on and on about how the business you were chosen to help him start was lacking, as were you with your progress getting to Las Nevadas.
"I can't have slackers, but I really don't like the idea of anyone else having you working for them, so I'm torn. I could give you a second chance, make a new deal...or I'll just have to convince you another way to not go working for someone like Tubbo or Jack. Not even Techno."
You let out a sigh. "All right, just get to the point."
"Well, it's simple. Either you get settled down here completely in the next 3 days, or I'm going to convince you to."
You rolled your eyes. He couldn't force you to do anything. How could he?
"How's Ponk doing?" This caused your breath to get caught in your throat.
"Oh please, you think I don't know? I know everything about you y/n. Your history, your alliances, friends...partners. And I need to in order to keep you under me."
"He doesn't even know about this. They don't even know I work here. You have no reason to hurt them other than to hurt me."
"And if I have to I will." He checked his communicator, and the message catching his eye. "Sam and I have some business to attend to. Consider what I've told you, and come back to me with either an answer or through action. Have a good day, you're dismissed."
You sat shocked for a moment before you stood and stomped off the balcony. By the time the elevator stopped the tears had rolled down your cheeks as you thought over the choice you'd have to make.
The thoughts ran around your mind as you walked outside of Las Nevada's borders and into Snowchesters, a weight lifted off your shoulders.
You took a seat on the soft ground, not too worried about the cool air. You needed to think.
"Y/n?" His voice. His lovely, sweet voice. You turned and found Ponk standing there, rubbing his arms to keep warm.
"Hello love, what are you doing here?" Quickly removing your jacket you handed it over to her.
"I, um, I followed you from the house. I figured...well I wanted to see where you go when you leave me."
"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry Ponk. I-I should've told you sooner, I was planning to but I didn't know how you'd react."
He smiled, resting a soft hand on your cheek. You relished in the touch.
"Don't worry about it. I don't care for you working with Quackity, as long as you're happy and safe. Speaking of...I heard what he told you."
"You did...?"
He nodded, a smile resting on his calm face. "Yeah, but I'm not worried. I'll always be there with you, by your side. And we're gonna get through this, together."
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