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#and predict that i WILL have a crisis slash panic attack the way i had for the last one
clumsyclifford · 3 years
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hello my darling bella! i haven't send you an essay in a while so. hi 😌
firstly i have a book rec which i know doesn't make too much sense but just in case you find yourself needing a book i think you would really enjoy loveless and/or radio silence but alice oseman. both very much have a vibe of friendship is romance (or at least both are very focused on friendship) and that reminded me of you!
i also meant to ask if you watched falcon and the winter soldier yet? since all the eps are out?
have you ever listened to achilles come down? it's the current most likely candidate to become my most listened to song this year
how's the baseball season going? i only ever see bits of what you say in the club and it makes no sense to me so i thought i'd ask 🙈
ooh also i had a very interesting experience recently: was driving home and someone cut me off in a very shitty way and i honked at them. bc i am Me that was the first time in nearly 3 years of driving that i used the horn. so that was fun i'm very proud of it 😌
okii rambling time is over i love you!! -fiancee
hello my darling fiancee!!!
you know i have heard about alice oseman but i’ve never looked up these books. loveless really does look up my alley tbh i’m down to read that i love a friendship book esp if it’s also queer thank u for the rec
 ahahaah no i have not in fact watched it i have no excuse for why not. maybe later this week when i need a procrastination tactic i’ll put it on. i did finish watching new girl so now i have nothing to watch but then again i have been re-listening to the adventure zone which is Kind Of a thing, BUT that’s not a show i can watch so i am still seeking one of those. the only thing is tfatws is the kind of show i would have to like pay attention to and get invested in. usually i watch a sitcom so i can just like spend an easy ten or twenty minutes having a laugh. anyway point being i haven’t watched it, i know i should, i’ll get around to it eventually...probably
yeah i’ve heard it once or twice! it’s a good song idk it’s nothing special to me personally but i like it, i know a lot of people really like it, i know ainslee’s been listening to it a lot. very exciting for you though i love that for you it’s so nice finding a song like that
ahhh baseball season ! well. it is going. it is definitely going. at the current moment my team(s) are not uhhh. they aren’t THRIVING. nats played their (my) archnemesis team the ph*llies yesterday and the ph*llies won which was a real blow to my self-esteem but we’re playing them again today and i have all my fingers crossed i absolutely refuse to lose to that fucking blood traitor br*ce h*rper again i will rage. and today the mets beat the orioles SEVEN to one which is just tragic. to be fair though the orioles are not like a super good team and they’re also not My team the way the nats are but like, still a bummer, nobody wants to lose to the mets. bc like fuck the mets. real talk tho if the nats lose to the phillies again i will just die
hot damn!!!!!!! first time for everything!!!!! i love that for you lol i’ve used the horn a couple times it’s not my favorite but sometimes you just gotta. proud of you for sticking up for yourself and your car god i miss driving
thank u for the essay i have missed receiving them!!! love youuuu
#fiancee anon#REAL talk fiancee i am doing FUCKING fantastically#there are PLANS they are in MOTION#well. theyre not really in motion yet but they are PLANS#i guess they're kind of in motion in the sense that Tickets have been Purchased#sam is insane#it's gonna be a party this summer#in a realer sense though i am also stressed as hell#i have my stats final on tuesday but then my jewish activism final paper is due on thursday#and i am very very stressed about the stats final#and predict that i WILL have a crisis slash panic attack the way i had for the last one#fuck i never actually finished watching those lectures FUCK#ahem. anyway point being#i can't let the stats final stress overtake me because i NEED to start this paper before then#i can't write the whole thing in two days like i shoudlnt i dont want to#its a long paper and i dont wanna stress myself out like that#but also i dont know if ill be able to concentrate on trying to write the paper with all the stats final stress#i dont knowif im explainng this well#but basically maybe i am incapable of being extremely stressed about more than one thing at a time#it's one thing or NO things. i am just going to shut down#so like i'm doing better than ever but also so bad. SO bad#lmaoooooooo#BUT!!!!! happy news tonight i am going to applebees w friends to celebrate one of my friends finishing her thingy#idk some honors....something.....she wrote a play#but i am VERY excited for applebees because.......non-campus food...............#lava cake my beloved mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm#anonymous#ask#answered
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spudinacup · 4 years
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Spinels Character Analysis:
Now that the comic has caught up to this point I can go on a bit of a tangent here and rant about my logic behind Spinels progression through the first seven pages of the SU AU Gone Wrong comic. 
Let's dive right in then, shall we?
Spinel’s Character Break Down and Emotional Complexity: 
This is gonna be one hell of a long rant so putting Readmore here. 
[This isn’t proofread so if there are grammar or spelling mistakes we’ll all have to live with them]
Spinel as a character is rather complex and predictably unpredictable in how she reacts to situations. In Pixar, they have a concept they like to refer to as the spine of the character. This is the basis of who they are and will drive all their decisions throughout the story. A prime example of this is Woody; his spine is to protect his kid and ultimately get back to him. This drives every one of Woody’s decisions. By being separated from Andy he feels that he will be hurt by his absence and as such seeks out a solution to this dilemma. As a whole, Spinel’s spine, so to speak, is rooted in her insecurity; more specifically her insecurity around rejection. It’s part of what made her so appealing to the fanbase and also to the viewers of the film. It almost seemingly justifies her murderous intent and ability to cause such havoc and devastation. 
When looking at the concept of insecurity and abandonment you’ll find articles referring to child abandonment syndromes. TMI moment; but I was abandoned by my genetic parents and have an unfortunately extensive understanding of the sensations revolving around this kind of trauma. Spinel in many ways was a child for Pink, she was a playmate. This doesn’t imply that she had any maternal connection to Spinel but if you compare her situation to that of a child dealing with this kind of neglect it aligns very similarly. Spinel did not choose to be made, she was born into Pink’s service and felt that was her world. She revolved around Pink and was there to please her whims. She was immature yes, but so is a child. 
In an article by Lynne Namka titled, “The Many Causes of Feelings of Insecurity and Abandonment,” she analyzes the impacts and results of this kind of abandonment.
“Some abandonment issues can be related to physical security and fears of survival of the physical body. Rejected children can fear annihilation if their emotional and physical needs are not met. The external rejection and lack of love are internalized by the child along with beliefs of being unworthy, undeserving and unlovable. These children can grow up to become jealous and insecure in their relationships.” 
Everyone at some point in their lives has felt tossed aside or dejected by society or others and this drives home further that feeling of connection to this character. It as a rather smart choice for the Crewneverse to go ahead with such a character archetype considering the themes of forgiveness and friendship in Steven Universe.
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The problem with a character that is based so heavily around the concept of rejection is their reactions upon being confronted by it. We see this demonstrated in the film through each of Spinel’s actions. This sensation of being left behind is strong enough that even while dealing with amnesia and being rejuvenated to an earlier state the emotional trauma still rears its ugly head in the form of aggression.
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Upon arriving at Earth in the film Spinel proclaims that she is there to kill Steven Universe and even continues to state in the concluding scene that:
 “You know I came here to take my anger out on a bunch of strangers, but now that I know you... I want to kill you even more.” 
This again coincides with the concept of Abandonment Rage. To quote another article of the same name from Lynne Namka:
“Blind rage often comes out of the anxiety and terror of being left behind. Domestic violence expert Donald Dutton defines abandonment rage by saying, “Rage often comes after fears of feeling abandoned and helplessness. A child is made furiously angry by a parent’s threats to desert him but on the other hand, he does not express that anger in case it makes the parent actually do so….the anger of a parent becomes repressed and directed at someone else later on.” Repressed anger then becomes displaced or put on someone else after frustration builds up to a boiling-over point.”
This is the progression of Spinel’s character arch prior to reaching Steven. She has had this melting pot of anger boiling inside of her festering and mixing into a whirlwind of hate and repressed frustrations. Spinel is experiencing a catathymic crisis, a term coined by the Forensic Psychologist J. Ried Meloy. To put it simply, its where the individual's anger becomes a catharsis for feelings of vulnerability. Its a moment of disconnect from one’s logic and instead allows their actions to be driven by this anger lacking any logical perceptions or thought behind it. Webster's definition is as such: an unexpected explosive outburst of impulsive often destructive behavior understandable only in terms of unconscious motivation 
So now that we know where her head was at before confronting Steven, what happened after she killed him?
The Impact of Steven’s Death:
Spinel’s actions with the rejuvenator are rash, fast, and not well thought out. There’s been a few great analysis on Tumblr that follow this line of thought. 
 As a whole, Spinel is playing with the Crystal Gems but her aim is true with her weapon. When she strikes down Amethyst, Garnet, and Pearl its with a single slash straight through the middle, it's effective. What better place could you aim to cause immediate results? On the slim, and probably impossible but work with me here, chance that it didn’t work immediately or at the very least didn’t poof them, there’s no walking away from that impact. It effectively disrupts their physical form and forces them to retreat into their gems.
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The intention of the injuries inflicted on Steven follows this same kind of logic. Spinel was attempting to cause as much damage as possible as quickly as possible. 
Steven Universe is Pink Diamond, she knows this, or at least he has what’s left of her. Diamonds are difficult to kill as we learned during Steven’s trial. 
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So why was she trying?
 In my opinion, it was because she was attempting to remove the obstacles that were in her way to being Pink’s friend. She was envious. Under all the hurt and misdirected anger, she still feels abandonment. While it may enrage her she still longs to be accepted and craves that solace of belonging again. Pink Diamond was her world, she was all she had, that absence has left a void that little can fill.  We ultimately see this envy and desire manifest in the climax of the film as she fights Steven and ultimately crumbles under her own emotional state before the injector combusts.
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After removing the obstacles that are the other gems she turns her focus upon Steven. The rejuvenator would revert him back to a prior state. If it brought Pink back, great she’d have the source of her anger. If it reverted his powers and Pink was really gone? Fine, she’d be done with him soon enough. It wasn’t a logical decision, it was an emotionally driven and rash conclusion of her abandonment. 
When she attack’s Steven her first blow takes off Steven’s arm. I wanted this to stand out to the viewer upon their viewing of the comic. It's drastic, impactful and leaves one unsettled by the sensation of having some ripped violently from their person. The arm is in many ways if you look between the lines, an analogy of P!Steven’s situation. He has been lopped off what made him whole and is only half of a person in his current manifestation. There is no way to efficiently reattach that limb with the flesh expiring in his arms.
The second of her attacks follow suit almost immediately following the amputation of Steven’s arm. She attempts to recreate the action she did with the Crystal Gems and cut him in half. Again, this being an efficient and fast way to destabilize him and poof the gem. However, Steven is half-human. So worked up by her own feelings of entitlement to the violence and grief Spinel is blind to the blood that flies from his injuries and only realizes what has happened once she can no longer swing wildly. The second blow ultimately was the fatal one while also what forces his gem out of his body. Amputates his gem, if you will.
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Unshown in the comic is Spinel realizing something isn’t right however it was actually the first image I did for this AU shown here: 
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The rejuvenator becomes stuck within Steven’s torso, it doesn’t go all the way through him.  This isn’t normal and gives Spinel’s mind enough time for her actions is starting to sink into her. With this comprehension comes with it the confusion of what she is seeing. 
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[-credit @thelostmoongazer​ for this illustration.] Spinel has never met a human. Spinel has never been to Earth. Spinel has no concept of what an organic is asides from the small critters from the garden she presumably spent her entire life within. She has been isolated, abandoned, and now she’s thrust into the world blinded with rage that has left her unable to perceive the vulnerabilities of the individual she is facing.
In this instance Spinel panics and throws her weapon aside alarmed by the strange liquid she now finds her body splattered with. She attempts to distance herself from the collapsing Steven, the atrocity she has just committed, and the expanding substance that gushed from his body's fractures.
Gem’s poof, that is our understanding of their forms being disrupted. The Crystal Gem’s had poofed, Steven, however, Steven hadn’t. 
This is when Pink appears:
As a direct result of her attack upon Steven, P!Steven is given space and room to reform himself. This immediately puts Spinel in the position of not only feeling confusion and shock of the situation she’d put herself into as her temper begins to subside and she watches the pink glow overtake the field they stood within. There is a sensation, we’ve all felt it before, its the same one you feel when you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar by your parents. It isn't that she regretted her actions, its that she regretted being caught. 
Not only right after it dawns on her that something is wrong but, as she assumes, the very person she’d been driven to this near insanity by.
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She reverts a bit here, tries to resolve some of the issues with the newly reformed Pink. She tries to connect with them and apologize for what they were seeing, for what she had done. Underneath her resentment, she doesn't want to be hated by Pink, asides from that she is almost uncertain what she desires. All she knows in this situation is that things have not happened as they should have and now she has been caught. 
It’s when P!Steven speaks to her however that a switch gets flicked. As I explained earlier in the post, Spinel fits rather well within the box of abandonment rage. She is a character-based within insecurity that reacts with aggression when she feels threatened as a way of protecting herself. 
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In these few short panels, P!Steven not only displays disapproval of her, but his change instance implies aggression immediately making her revert to a more defensive state. 
This is what causes her change in tone and ultimately the change in her behavior. She is no longer remorseful because she was caught, she’s being rejected again, by the same gem again. 
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Adding a cherry on top, upon realizing that it wasn’t even who she perceived to be she feels tricked and made a fool of. Somehow, he wasn’t Pink. He hadn’t reverted into his beginning state, no, that pest that kept her from obtaining what she selfishly desired was still present. Her resentment for that craving boils back into her insecurities and feeds the explosive desires beneath it. Rather than apologizing further she takes hold of these emotional shelters and dives into what she feels the most comfortable with, her anger. 
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Which brings us to today’s page, where we see that beginning to be acted upon. Surely she can fix this, at the very least resolve that judgmental stare that lingers on her. She can make things better for herself.
She won’t let herself be rejected again. 
Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.
Sources:
[Insecurity and Abandonment] [Abandonment Rage] [catathymic definition]
[SU AU Gone Wrong Comic Master Post]
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