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groovypalacehorselover · 3 years

Text

A Drunken Nightmare

An AU in which MC and Ethan slept together in Miami.(The morning after)

Probably the most smut I'll ever be able to write.

Warning: if you came here for smut you will be disappointed.

"A doctor who could make a difference in patient care"

"More then you already do?"

Salty air blew over the Celestial's front gate. Doctors that came to the conference were all drinking and dancing, without a care for the world. The loud dubstep beats roared from the speakers, people grinding eachother. All were there except two people.

All except a certain famous diagnostician and his rookie.

Casey Valentine and Ethan Ramsey were leaning against the railing of the balcony of their shared room, looking at Ethan's drunk colleagues rave though the night just beneath them. Casey was quietly observing an individual who had caught her eyes, a young male doctor probably a second year residency, he looked about her age. Young and energetic, he was talking to a woman and from the looks of it they both were flirting with each other. Casey had a humourless smile on her face, how lucky the doctor was, where as she was stuck in between a competition, half the interns hated her and some acted like she doesn't exist. Her own friends, Jackie and Landry were dead set on trying to take her no. 1 position. At least Elijah, Sienna and Bryce treated her like a human being.

Right beside her was the one and only Ethan Ramsey, the nightmare of interns, the cold man who keeps his emotions underground, the damn asshole who Casey was in love with.

Ethan's eyes subtly stared at Casey's curves, imaging how they would feel beneath his fingers. Of course she had to wear such a sinful dress which would only give him a teaser of what her curves were, but enough to get him exited.

If she she wasn't an intern, he would be tearing it down right now.

Ethan had to tear Casey away from the bar, or she would have drunk herself to death. The whole time while he was taking her back to their room, she was giggling and swaying back and forth. But she went quiet when they were inside.

"You're awfully quiet" Ethan stated, Casey looked at him, baffled "O-oh? Just thinking." She answered.

Ethan didn't bother asking what she was thinking about, he was frozen in place. It was the first time he looked at her properly after they returned to their room, her face was red and her mouth slightly parted, her eyes reflected the stars and her bangs were messy. But yet she looked so damn beautiful.

"What do you think Naveen would say if he knew at what levels we were going to get him treated?" She broke the silence.

"He would probably first laugh, and then say we are making fools of ourselves" He said giving her a half smile. "But if he survives this, it will all be worth it"

"What you did just then was very smart, we are finally making a big progress!" She said existedly. I love it when you make that face, Ethan thought. "You mean almost losing the team on the hands of a man who only cares about money?" He said staring into her eyes.

"No I didn't mean it like that!" She said flushed. Ethan smirked, he loved seeing the flustered look on her face.

"I know"

Both of them went quiet for a while, then he decided to break the silence, "What you saw tonight wasn't me, I don't gamble on anything".

He looked into her eyes," Medicine is a assembly of facts leading to a conclusion, once you know the rules and the disease you're working with, the risk should be minimal." He turned to face her."Your decisions are informed, and you choose the safest path. But that card game…I've never done anything like that before."

Casey turned and looked at him,"I don't know, it seemed like a pretty well-informed decision to me" she stated.

"Risking Naveen's treatment on a game? Having to hope I'd judged Declan's character enough to risk losing instead of using a winning hand?" He said furiously, "There were too many variables, I could have lost everything!"

"But you were right, your risk paid off" She smiled, he loved it when she smiled like that, it was when she was reassuring a patient that she will help them, and she damn well did.

"It did…and I'm only beginning to realise…" his eyes shined with desire.

"There are some things that are worth any risk"

Both of them looked at each other, and both knew what the other wanted.

°~~~~~•~~~~~°~~~~~•~~~~~°

Casey groaned as sunlight interrupted her sleep, her whole body was hurting and for some reason her womanhood was hurting the most. Her eyes fluttered open, and she saw the sun shining right outside of the glass wall that separated the bedroom from the balcony. She just had the best dream ever.

Ethan pushes her against the bedroom wall, his right knee between her legs. Their tongues desperately met, "Dr. Ramsey!" She gasped as she felt Ethan's hand opening the zip of her dress. "Ethan" he whispered in her ears and kissed on her neck, stoping momentarily to nibble on the sensitive spots.

Casey face heated up, even for a dream it felt too real. 'It would be better if It only was a dream' she thought.

As much as she hates to admit it, she can never be with Ethan. He was an attending, she was an intern. He was her boss, she was competing to be in his team. If they were a thing, his reputation would be affected she would be told that everything she 'achieved' was because she slept with her boss. Plus…

Ethan would never see her in that way.

To him she is a newbie, a nuisance, someone that likes to stick her head in other people's business.

Casey lay there quietly for a short while, then decided to get up. As soon as she pulled the cover away, a breeze chilled her bare chest. Casey flinched, wasn't she waring her dress from last night? Where'd it go?

Ethan's fingers touch Casey's core, only a thin layer of her pantie separating them. Casey pulls Ethan on top of her she herself lay on the bed, Ethan kisses the rise of her breasts. "Mmm…" Casey softly moans as she felt Ethan's fingers enter her. "Don't…stop"she said between her shaky breaths. "I don't think I can. I have been wanting this for a long time Casey" Ethan's lips brushes past Casey's breasts, then her stomach and slowly lower…

Casey's head was spinning, memories of last night were slowly returning back to her. She was horrified.

This can't happen! It can't!

Casey looked beside her to see a shirtless Ethan sleeping soundly, he looked so peaceful probably not having a clue what they have done.

Casey got up and quickly walked towards the bathroom with wobbly steps, her legs were hurting like hell. She quietly shut the door and glanced at the mirror.

Hickeys and bite marks everywhere. How was she even going to hide this?

Tears spilled from her eyes…'why am I crying? I wanted this' she thought. She broke down, this can't be happening, not today. She was supposed to be happy that they found a possible cure for Dr. Banerji, feel proud because Dr. Ramsey trusted her. Not guilt trip because she slept with her boss.

|~~~~~•~~~~~|~~~~~•~~~~~|

Ethan's head was pounding relentless, he could only focus on Casey. Despite the raging party below them, the loud sound of waves crashing on the rocks…he could only hear Casey's voice. She was drunk talking and saying nonsensical things, but he was still encaptured by her voice. This is what shook him.

The unshakable Ethan Ramsey, the face that doctors from afar dreamt of meeting. He had only a decade's experience but yet he was one of the best doctors from around the world. He always thought that he cannot be distracted by anything or anyone. No one was truly able to crack his wall of ice, no matter how warm they were. And yet here she was, Casey Valentine an intern, clueless, novice, and trouble. She shattered the walls like they were a tower of cards, melted everything like she was the scorching sun in a summer afternoon, invaded his life like a skilled thief, and stayed as if she belongs here. Whenever he thought he knew her she would do something he least expected. She could even yell at him if she felt like he deserved it.

Never before had he been so head over heels for a woman.

But fate was against him, he was her attending, her boss, 10 years older than her. It was unprofessional, unethical, something he was against. But something he longed for. He could have anyone, but the one he wanted was out of his reach.

But yet here they are in a perfect setting. 10 floors above the ground, everyone was busy partying, they were alone, the party was so loud no one could hear them, he was drunk, she was even more drunk, if anything happens he can just blame it on the alcohol, both wanted the same thing.… Then why not have it?

Never before had Ethan broken his rules for anyone, but tonight he cannot resist any longer.

|~~~~~•~~~~~|~~~~~•~~~~~|

Casey's sobs were abruptly interrupted when she heard something from outside the bathroom, she tentatively opened the door slightly to peek, Ethan was still asleep. She snatched her bag that lay right outside the door.

Casey has never had a shower this quick, she dried her hair begging to God that Ethan will still be asleep. And just like that she was out of the room. Her eyes felt prickly, she knew that she was about to cry. How can she not? Ethan will never look at her in the same way again. He will probably only see disappointment and a mistake.

∆~~~°~~~∆~~~•~~~∆~~~°~~~∆

Ethan stirred in bed, trying to find a comfortable position. He let his hand fall off from the bed and hit the bedside table with a 'twack'. "Ouch!" His eyes abruptly opened, he immediately regretted it. Sunlight invaded his vision, and for a second he thought he was now blind. He sat up, making the sheet that was covered his taunt muscles now visible. He looked around confused, and suddenly remembered that he was in Miami. His head was killing him, he tried to recall last night's events.

'I and Casey got the formula from Nash, she went to drink at the open bar. I dragged her back into the room, we were talking…'

Then he remembered, her flustered face, her soft lips, her beautiful body…

Ethan went quiet, he knew this was coming. One way or another he was going to ruin everything. He didn't blame Casey, he couldn't.

It wasn't her fault.

It was his.

He cursed himself for being drunk, careless. Of course he would do something stupid the moment alcohol runs through his vains. He had a habit of drinking alone, the day he was drunk and alone with someone he did the unthinkable.

How many people already know? Were they too loud? Maybe they forgot to lock the door?

Ethan looked beside him to see the crumbled sheets in shape of a person, a place where Casey slept hours ago.

Does she hate him now?

•••••×•••••°•••••×•••••

"ah, Casey! Hi."

Casey heard Ines's voice behind her. "Hello Ines" Casey greeted her enthusiastic resident trying her best to sound happy,"Already had breakfast?"

"No, but me and Zaid were just on the way" Ines said happily, "Talking about Zaid…where is he" Casey asked glancing around to find the grumpy doctor. "Oh, he went to the bathroom" Ines said as both of them walked towards the Dinning Hall.

"You sure spend a lot of time around him" Casey remarked. Ines blushs, "We-well he is my friend! I like spending time with him!"

"But is that all there is to it?" Casey smiled warmly towards Ines, completely forgetting about the events that happened this morning.

"We are just friends, that's all!" Ines mumbled looking at the floor like a guilty child. "Ines, you should make a move or something. You two look cute together" Casey said to the blushing doctor.

You still have a chance, unlike me…

"Do you think…he likes me?" Ines asked so quietly it was almost inaudible, "Of course! He is like a happy puppy when he's around you" Casey laughed.

"By the way, why are you wearing a full buttoned up shirt? Isn't it hot? Ines asked curiously.

"W-well you see…"

Both of them continued walking towards the Dinning Hall.

+~~~~×~~~~+~~~~×~~~~+

Ethan quickly walked down the stairs, 'she should be in the dining hall right now'. He thought.

He came just in time to see her leave towards the elevator, "Rookie, wait!" He said loudly as he jogged towards her.

His chest tightened when he saw her face look at him in horror, the door to the elevator opened and she ran inside.

Ethan broke in a full fledged run, just as the door was about to close he smashed the elevator button. And the door opened again…

https://groovypalacehorselover.tumblr.com/post/638215403128127488/a-drunken-nightmare COMING SOON!

https://groovypalacehorselover.tumblr.com/post/638215403128127488/a-drunken-nightmare

Taglist (tell me if you wanna get added) :-

@caseyvalentineramsey @drariellevalentine @archxxronrookie @openheartfanfics @bellcat2010 @mayatrueman @maurine07 @kaavyaethanramsey @aarisa-frost @keenempathdeanfan

@nikki-2406 @terrm9 @iloveethanramsey

@shanzay44 @schnitzelbutterfingers @princess-geek @ramseysrookiex @kiara-36

@fayeswiftie

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scotchymemes · 4 years

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DEADPOOL SENTENCE STARTERS

From both movies starring Ryan Reynolds.

He is as dishonourable as he is attractive. Shit... Did I leave the stove on? House blowing up builds character. I only have twelve bullets so you’re going to have to share. I’m touching myself tonight. What the shit-biscuit?! Really? Rolling up the sleeves? I may be super, but I’m not a hero. Some of the best love stories begin with a murder. I will shoot your fucking cat! Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? I’m just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up even worse guys. Motherfucker, you’re the world’s worst friend. Hakuna his tatas, he’s sorry. It’s time to put balls in holes. What if I just held on and never let you go? Jesus Christ, it’s like I made you in a computer. I think we can all just agree that shit just went wrong in the most colossal way possible. I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he wasn’t having it. That guy was already up there when I got here. Rock, meet bottom. Please don’t make the supersuit green, or animated. This place seems sanitary. One thing that never survives in this place is humor. What the fuck is wrong with you? You look like an avocado who had sex with an older, way uglier avocado. This shit’s gonna have nuts in it. Today was as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. Motherfucker should’ve worn his brown pants. It sounds even stupider when you say it. Fuck Wolverine! Every good family film starts with a great murder. Oh, I shit my pants. Kiss me like you missed me. You’re a lot smarter than I look. You can’t really live until you’ve died a little. You are not judge, jury or executioner. You’ve let me down for the last time. What did I do to piss off a grumpy old sucker with a Winter Soldier arm? Dubstep is for pussies. You sure you’re not from the DC universe? You shut your trashmouth! Luck isn’t a superpower. I guess dubstep never dies. Why couldn’t god take my hearing? It’s a goddamn fannypack and you know it, you sick son of a bitch. I have no idea what’s happening. I will bathe in the blood of your enemies. You’re just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy. Let’s fuck some shit up is my legal middle name. My body and hands are so soft. Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand. Only best buddies execute pedofiles together. And they say millennials are the hardest to reach. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster! He even runs like a fucking pervert. You sacrificed yourself for me. Is that a knife in my dick? There’s a knife in your dick.

#fandom #deadpool #marvel rp #crack starters #funny starters #rp meme #rp starters #sentence starters #starter meme #starter sentences

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paradise-creator · 3 years

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Hellooo!! I love love LOVE the diamond box matchup you did!! You're amazing!! Your blog is incredible!! Now I'm here for a romantic haven box Haikyuu matchup pls🥺

Appearance: My name is Kay! She/her, black, straight, 5'1, I have a slightly athletic & curvy-ish figure (lol idk), short-ish hair(like mid-neck), dark brown eyes, shoe size 9, I like to dress comfy so I'm always in oversized hoodies, sweatpants, sneakers, sweatshirts and shorts. I like colorful clothes too, high waisted jeans and shorts and boots. I'm not very fashionable but I try lol.

Personality:

Basics: infp-t, Hufflepuff, Taurus sun, scorpio moon, sanguine, chaotic good, ambivert.

Some positive traits: I'm optimistic, friendly, energetic, organized, enthusiastic, observant, happy, open-minded, loving, encouraging and inquisitive!!

Some negative traits: I'm annoying, perfectionist, insecure, forgetful, easily distracted, kinda lazy, argumentative, too nice at times and clingy.

I love learning new things!! Currently I'm learning Korean, how to draw, how to paint and songs on the saxophone.

When I'm up for it, I love fun physical activity!! Going for a hike, going to the gym, bungee jumping, mountain climbing, going camping and etc :D

Although I love going out, nothing beats lazy days at home. I can spend hours by myself and still be happy. When alone I usually sleep or watch a movie/anime or practice my drawing or saxophone or try and learn something new!

I have a horrible memory and can never remember important dates 😭 I've forgotten my own birthday a few times (rip) so people can get mad at me for missing appointments, forgetting birthdays and other important days. I try my best to organize everything necessary on my phone calendar so I can be reminded.

I love seeing people happy! Nothing can fulfill my day more than knowing I put a smile on someone's face! I usually try my best to help out anyone who needs it and to the best of my ability! This has led to me getting taken advantage of in the past but I can't help but try and make others happy. I've developed a thicker skin and some trust issues as I've grown up because of it.

I love hyping my friends/family up!! Do you need a boost in confidence? Here I am, ready to help you remember the absolute king/queen/royalty that you are!! I'm usually very energetic and enthusiastic about many things and I love spreading positivity around!!

My love language is physical touch! So touch is very important to me in my relationships. Though I am insecure so I tend to think that I smother the people I care about with too much affection idk lol. I live for hugs and cuddles and hand holding 👉🏿👈🏿 but because of that I feel like I'm very clingy and annoying skskfksjd

I'm introverted in nature so although I mean usually full of energy and love making new friends, I can't do it for too long lol. My social battery runs out really fast and I have to hide away and recharge before I can be fully social again, otherwise I won't be my best self. I treasure personal time and understand when people need time for themselves too.

I love spontaneity!! I love living in the moment and doing stuff just for the hell of it!! Wanna go on a road trip? Dance in the rain? Build houses for charity? Go to McDonald's at 2am? Go on a long walk? SIGN ME UP!!

I can also be lazy and unmotivated to do stuff. If something doesn't interest me, I'd find myself incapable of doing it or I'd do it with great difficulty. I'm one of those 'do something when inspiration/motivation hits you otherwise it'll be absolute shit' types.

But when I do have motivation/inspiration that's when my perfectionism comes in and I have to do it in the best possible way and anything less is an insult to me, my family, my ancestors and descendants lmaoo. Unfortunately I subconsciously set a very high bar for myself which can be overwhelming and stressful but when I manage to produce work of that quality, it's very satisfying and rewarding jshkshdhsj

I have more to add but I feel like this is getting way too long 💀 lemme just move to the next section heheheh

Hobbies: I LOVE listening to music, learning new things, watching movies/anime, sleeping, reading, writing, playing saxophone (I'm still learning tho lol), swimming, drawing, journaling, making friends, and cooking!

My music taste: any type of rock (punk rock, grunge, j-rock, metal), pop, KPOP, RnB, jazz, dubstep, lofi hip hop, rap, trap, krnb, anime OP's and bangers from: Elvis, the beach boys, Queen, Khalid, Ateez, Harry styles, Kendrick Lamar, p!atd, mcr, fallout boy, Nirvana, BTS, mxmtoon, Marianas trench, twenty one pilots, stray kids, Jay Park, crush, Dreamcatcher, Skrillex, MJ, troye sivan etc

Fun facts:

I'm more of a cat person but I live dogs and think they're adorable!!

I have four piercings and I plan on getting more soon!!

I'm a night owl, and get super grumpy in the mornings especially when woken up unexpectedly >:/

Although I love making friends, I only have like 1/2 super close friends and like 20+ acquaintances lol

I want to get a tattoo soon but idk what to get :(

I'm super addicted to coffee (rip) and if I don't take some for some time (like a week) I'll get the worst migraines and I won't feel better until I drink some coffee 😭

That's it!! I hope i wrote enough stuff!! Did I leave anything out? If you need more pls tell me and I'll send another ask :D Take your time!! I'm in no rush. I'll patiently wait even though you get writers block or have a large amount of asks 😌 pls stay safe and healthy!! Drink lots of water, sleep well and have an amazing day/night!! 💙✨

↬ ──:.⃗➹ +.*༉‧ᵕ̈°`*↷. ೃ₊✎⸙͎˚- ̗̀✧: ──↫

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Hello and Welcome my Starlight!

The Haven box includes:

- Match up

- Sun drop

- Journal of Feelings

- 3 am shenanigans

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

I'd match you up with

Sugawara Koushi, Vice-captain of Karasuno

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Sun drops

- OKAY so like, as I read your description I thought of Akaashi or Yaku or Sugawara

- Me being the indecisive author I am had trouble picking

- But then I remembered that you loved to do spontaneous things.

- And that's when I realized that Sugawara is THE ONE

- You two would be deemed the "3 am couple"

- Or in the team it would be "Epitome of Chaos"

- He takes care of you

- He will alway remind you that you don't need to be perfect

- Insecurities? BE GONE

- Nagativity? BE GONE

- That's basically his motto

- He is both your mom and partner in Crime

- did I mention he will take care of you?

- CUDDLES AND KISSES FOR DAYS

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Journal of feelings

- Once this man realizes that you LOVE physical affection. He will give it to you. EVERYTIME HE SEES YOU

Kay entered the gym to watch her boyfriend play. She tried sneaking in and so far it has been great. She thought she was off the hook but then felt a familiar arms wrapped around her waist. "I found you~" Sugawara said with a smile.

- You both would often plan pranks and majority of the times, it would succeed

"Okay okay, so what are we doing today?" Kay asked the silver haired male. "Oh~ maybe we can scare Asahi or anyone for that matter with a beetle?" Sugawara suggested. "That's--no," Kay responded.

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

3 am shenanigans

It’s 3 am in the morning. Almost everyone is fast asleep or in their homes, well almost. The night sky is littered with diamond in the sky. The streets were silent but it was comforting. A few people walked here and there. And a few cars passes by there and here. “What are we doing up so late?” A silver haired man said as he yawned. “We’ll be going to Mc Donald’s! What else?” The female responded as she smiled at him. “Is it even open at this time?” He asked. “Koushi, darling, it is open,” Kay, the lover of our beloved silvered male man said as she smiled. Sugawara chuckled and held her hand, the smile on his face was evident. “You know, we should be sleeping by now right?” He said as he pulled her closer. “And so what? I wasn’t planning on sleeping early! I slept the whole day yesterday and missed the chance to hang out with you,” The girl responded.

A small blush appeared on the male’s face and he giggled. “That’s very sweet bu-“ He was about to say but was silenced by the girl. “That was very sweet but we could’ve done this later on or tomorrow. Well, sorry to break it to you, Love. But, we are here,” She said as she pulled the male inside the fast food chain. And soon enough, the two got their orders and enjoyed their meal. “I don’t know why but this hits different,” Kay said as she eat a French fry. “It really does. Especially since you are here,” Sugawara stated as he patted her head. Now, she was the one blushing. As the two chatted, the other customers and staff glanced at them every now and then. None of them were annoyed at their interactions. On the contrary, they enjoyed watching them,

Some felt envious of their relationship. Some dreamt to have something like that. And others remembered the times of old. The two were so sweet, it’s almost too much. Laughter and chattering echoed through the building from both the couple and the people around them. Then they were dub the “3 am couple” as the two would often venture in that restaurant at 3 am in the morning.

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Author's note

I'm so so sorry for the long wait! This week has been hectic. Anywho, I hope you enjoy this matchup~ and thanks for requesting!

#☁️matchup #haikyuu matchups #haikyuu!!#haikyuu matchup #fanfic #anime #fiction #sugawara koushi #sugawara kōshi #Sugawara #sugawara headcanon #match ups #hq matchups #hq sugawara #Anime matchups #BlackPearl

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emersynmsnow-blog · 7 years

Text

To the Boy That Broke my Heart

4/9/2017

Dear Sam,

It’s been two weeks since you broke my heart, you still keep breaking my heart. Two weeks ago is when you fucked up, and when my patience gave.

You still have yet to apologize to me, or even acknowledge to my face that I’m upset or anything in between. All you do is try to get me to act like you have done nothing wrong. Nope. Not happening sweetheart.

A couple days ago, I was thinking about you and how your birthday was coming up. I know that I was in no way obligated to spend 50 dollars on you but I did anyway because I’m a great person and because I want you to look at the gift I sent you and see that is uniquely tailored to you, right down to the bible verses I sent with it, and hopefully feel guilty and undeserving of my kindness because you do not deserve my kindness.

I sent a bible verse that talked about forgiveness an I can’t remember what it was, but that’t not important. I think you may be mistaken when you read it.

Yes, I did forgive you, no I do not hate you. I could never hate someone that I loved, unfortunately. I hate what you did to me, Sam. I hate how you’re acting, and how you’re treating me right now. I forgive you because if Jesus can forgive the people who crucified Him then dammit I can forgive you for being a jackass. Me forgiving you does not make what you did ok. It doesn’t make the relationship between you and I ok, it probably will never be ok due to your lack of balls and/or your apathy towards me. I just thought it was important to clarify what I meant when I sent you that verse.

I think that it’s important that I fully and totally explain what you have done to me. I’ll use small words so your testosterone driven pea brain can understand.

I fell in love with you when you kissed me for the first time in your beautiful car that was parked in my driveway.

That night was the first home football game of the season. The first time us band kids would perform our halftime show. The day that marks the beginning of fall for me. You had been flirting with me all day and I was flirting back an trying to hide my butterflies because the cute senior boy with the dreadlocks that I had had a crush on forever just brushed my hand with his. That night after the game, all of our friends planned on going to Applebee’s to hangout and eat chicken wings and dick around because why not. I didn’t have a car at the time and I really wanted to be around you so, I asked if you could give me a ride to Applebee’s and then give me a ride home since we live a minute away from each other. Of course you said yes and your parents told me to keep an eye on you or something like that because they knew you liked to drive fast. I didn’t care, I was watching your smile as you laughed at them and we drove away.

You held my hand and put your hand on my leg on the way there. This was different than when you had taken me places before. I could barely contain my excitement as I prayed to God that you would finally kiss me tonight. We got to the restaurant and you held my hand under the table and payed for my drink and my french fries in front of all of our friends. I smiled at one of the color guard girls as she winked at me. It was everything I could have dreamt of that 2 hours.

It was 11:00 and our curfew was 11:30, we had to leave. We got into your car and you continued to hold my hand and place your hand on my thigh as you drove. I remember you almost killing us because you noticed that my hands were cold and you tried to warm them up. How sweet of you. The whole time this was happening, I was so excited and nervous because I thought that you were actually going to kiss me for the first time, confirming that you had feelings for me too.

We pulled into my driveway, there was a song that was playing from your phone that was a mixture of dubstep and heavy metal. It was at the perfect volume. You looked at me and I looked at you as you tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and cupped my cheek and brought my lips to yours. They made contact at the bass drop of the song, I still don’t know if that was on purpose or not. My heart was beating at a pace that couldn’t have been safe for anyone and I could hear it in my ears and feel it in my bones as you kissed me. Occasionally you would break our kiss to look at me. You would smile the smile I would eventually grow to loath as you kissed me for the first time in my driveway in you beautiful car and then proceed to tell me two days later that you didn’t want to be in a relationship and that kissing me was a mistake and that you were sorry. I would have to relay that message on to my mom who swore I was going to marry you and had to witnessed me giggle and scream and jump up and down in my living room after you had kissed me for the first time in your beautiful car, and then sob into her “band mom” sweatshirt two days later because I was confused and hurt.

You then proceeded to kiss me, in your beautiful car that was parked in my driveway after a football game again. Accept this time it was different. It didn’t feel genuine. It felt hungry and unfamiliar and weird and just not right as you verbally coaxed me into your back seat and grind your hips against mine and touch me as if I said I was yours to touch and not respect my verbal boundaries when I told you that I was not yours to touch. After this you disappointed me again by telling me that you didn’t want a relationship and then made me almost proud when you apologized for not respecting me when I told you to stop. I now look back and know that you never meant that you were sorry that time, or anything other time this would happen. Because you had already gotten what you wanted from me and apologizing and saying what you needed to to keep my heart in place so you could use me again.

I want to believe that something happened to you between the first and second football game. Everything, down to the way your lips tasted, was different. I really want to believe that the boy that kissed me for the first time in his beautiful car that was parked in my driveway is still there, because I love him. I want him to exist. I don’t think he does.

Like the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. I believe that everything you said and did was a lie. You managed to weasel your way through the fragile wall around my heart. Until now, I left my heart unguarded and available because I thought all of the songs, poems, and stories about girls and their “walls that needed to be broken down”, were all over exaggerations and just beautiful stories that were meant to be consumed and to pull at the heart strings of their readers. I now understand that they’re oh so very accurate.

You have ruined me, Sam. You have taken my heart and dangled it in front of me for 8 months now and two weeks ago you threw in on the ground because you found a prettier heart. A heart that belonged to a girl that is thinner and prettier and all around so much better than me. I can’t blame you, I wouldn’t want me either.

You damaged me, Sam. Now whenever anyone says anything remotely kind to me I can’t fully accept their compliment because I’m afraid that they’re lying through their teeth in order to win my trust and take a piece of my confidence so they can crush it later.

I’m afraid to fall again. I’m afraid that the next boy that kisses me in his beautiful car that’s parked in my driveway is going to use me and steal my affection and take my heart and then throw it in my face again, wrecking my entire being and leaving me to be nothing but a silly girl who fell for a snake with beautiful blue eyes, longing for the emptiness where her heart should be to filled by something.

I am but a shell of the strong, centered, and confident girl I once was. I am sad, and angry, and disappointed, and lonely, and frustrated, and lost.

That is what you have done to me.

-M

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