#and now here i am! trying to take care of myself but also trying to come to terms with who i am and what i look like

[cripplecharacters]

Do you have any tips (or previous posts) about how to write a young person who’s first-time cane user? This one is for a character who escapes a lifetime of being experimented on, and learns in the aftermath of being rescued that this rather compromised her ability to walk well again. I’ve written characters with other mobility devices for getting around. But never canes. I myself am physically disabled but have never needed anything like these before. I’m always eager to learn.

Hi!

If your character is a first time cane user, here's some things that could happen:

She will need to learn how to walk with the cane first. When you're starting, it's easy to mess up (though it could be my dyspraxia speaking) and overfocus on how you should walk because you're just getting used to it. She could randomly stop and correct her gait, or look down a lot to check if she's still doing the motion (left arm and right leg forward, or the other way around).

She's probably gonna drop that thing a lot. Especially if she has a weaker grip in the cane hand - now, I don't have this problem (the opposite, rather) - but the overall thing is a really common occurrence for most of us. Walking and hit the smallest pebble imaginable? Cane on the ground, somehow. Tried putting it against the wall or table? It's on the ground. And then you need to reach for it... it's a struggle sometimes.

If she's not helped in picking the cane, she will spend some time figuring out what grip and height are comfortable for her. (Grip depends on personal preference, no one's preference has ever been the doorknob handle, height is generally to the person's wrist from the ground up.) I think that this could be an interesting opportunity to talk about disabled communities - maybe she's frustrated with the process and goes to an older (more experienced) cane user to help her?

If it's during the winter, her hand is gonna be freezing - and the opposite in the summer - and she might not be prepared for it. The handle can get HOT and it can be an issue. Depending on what her actual disability is, she might try switching which hand to hold it in. If she's able to do that, another character could warm up her cold hand :)

The first couple of times walking with a cane are an Experience. You feel way better, but also everyone is suddenly staring. Some people care about that, some don't. But it can be somewhat overwhelming either way.

Spatial awareness is gonna suck at first. She will bump into what feels like everything with the cane. Especially doorframes. It's always doorframes for some reason. Or mess up and have her cane slip down because she hasn't realized how close to the curb she was.

She will hit her shin. It will hurt.

She's probably going to be speedy with that thing! Getting a cane is like getting a speed boost. Without it, I have episodes where I'm extremely slow (my highest, extreme-pain speed would be slower than a person walking very casually) and with it, I'm faster than a lot of able-bodied people! It's fun and she would have fun with it.

She will not know what to do with the cane when she doesn't need it. For me, using backpacks always cause issues because I don't know how to hold it without dropping it, but I also need to swap hands, something gets stuck on the handle... it's a whole process that takes a comical amount of time at first. Same when going to the public bathroom, where are you putting it when you aren't using it...? It's a lot of trial and error and a lot of "eww, my cane just touched the dirtiest surface humanly imaginable".

In the real world, people are (overly) interested in young cane user's business and tend to stare a lot. Now, it doesn't have to be like this in your story, but it's often just an annoying part of life. Your character might feel awkward and feel like she needs to explain herself, but this goes away after some time. You just get desensitized after a while.

In the real world, people are sometimes interested and nice about it! For example, a lot of older people can be insecure about using a cane, exactly like younger people. I've heard stories about older people asking younger users where they got their cane from, how are they so confident with it, etc. Another opportunity for a disabled community moment!

I hope that my suggestions were helpful, it's been a while since I was a first-time cane user so I wrote down what I still remember, haha.

Mod Sasza

Hi!

I agree with Sasza on pretty much every point and wanted to add some things from my own experience.

It's really, really hard to hold both a cane and an umbrella at the same time. Sometimes I'll give up and get wet. Sometimes I'll give up and store the cane. She might do either of those, depending on what she hates more: being wet or walking without the cane. Or she could get a raincoat if that works for her.

Speaking of umbrellas, sometimes you need your umbrella and you need your cane and you also need a free hand. This Sucks. What I do for this sometimes (and maybe she or other people have better, smarter, more useful solutions than this) is shove my umbrella into my shirt or backpack strap or something, so the umbrella is Held Up by it. This is not very effective, and will not last long. But if I need to look up a map on my phone or adjust something on my clothes or get my keys, it can work. Sort of.

Just like mod Sasza said, people will take interest in your cane, younger and older alike. I've had people of all ages compliment my cane (it has flowers) as well as people of all ages tell me I'm too young to need a cane or ask what's wrong with me. An older woman once asked me where I got my cane as she had been wanting a 'pretty' one, and that was a nice moment.

She might develop a new awareness of mobility aid users. When you're new at using one and trying to figure it out, you're probably going to be frustrated, because it's a new skill like any other. But it might make her (like it made me) notice more people using canes. It's not that I never saw them before, but that they were more common than I ever thought, and I never would have noticed how common it was if I hadn't had to slow down and practice my skill.

Cane tips get dirty, and cane tips wear out. These both depend on where your character is using her cane (outdoors vs indoors, scratchy asphalt vs smooth wood) as well as how often. A cane with a worn-out rubber tip really sucks and is more unstable and if the cane is made of aluminum and the tip is worn out and you hit the cane the wrong way, you can damage the cane. Ask me how I know.

That's all I can think of right now that I had to learn to deal with when I started! As you can see I still don't have a solution to the rain thing and it's been like two and a half years...

- mod Sparrow

#mod sasza #maybe-its-beyond-words #canes #mod Sparrow #mobility aids

[sugar-omi]

Ohhh the newest dad cove post the pregnant mc is so so good,,,,, rip though imagine just how clingy this makes him oh my god. (late riser mc) he’s constantly falling asleep on the couch next to you when it gets later, hand on your back or around your middle whether you’re showing yet or not because he can’t stand the idea of you needing something but not waking him up ‘cause he’s in bed(especially when you have bad “morning” sickness).

or something that absolutely makes my blood pressure absolutely skyrocket is strangers being touchy, (he’d obviously not be like? weird about it like if you want to let family or friends feel the baby kick; he’s honestly just nodding along with the biggest goofy-proud smile like “it’s the coolest thing ever right???”) but if random strangers are getting touchy or pushy because they seem to think pregnant people are free real estate? just this big ass man getting physically between the two of you and completely shutting them down without a word? 1000/10.

also rip mc but I myself am a Cove suprise twins truther and not gonna lie to anyone but unless you are well above average size? rip mc. late second trimester and on is just a mess because like the other post said? all fun and games having a giant husband until giant baby time. man is so conflicted(for a multitude of reasons tbh because if one baby almost being here wasn’t overwhelming enough? two?) because on the one hand there’s almost a twinge of guilt because you’re so sore and tired and sick of having to pee every five seconds, but also, not even a sexual(or maybe just a little) thing but some part of his brain is like you said just? that’s his baby- his babies, like it hits him so much that you are literally carrying his kids that you two made together and you trust him enough to be by your side and be your kids’ dad?? and sometimes he’s looking at you with big wet eyes and wobbly lips while you’re trying to hunt down the current craving and you panic that he’s crying, and when he explains… oh now you’re crying because of hormones being out of wack and he’s too sweet for this.

I LOVE YOU ANON. WE ARE THE SAME. literally sharing all my thoughts rn pls... i love the thought of my mc n cove having 1 kid (thru adoption) and their first pregnancy/baby being twins. just instantly throws them into the boiling pot of parenthood

n omg he's so fucking clingy after you get pregnant. if you're not a hugger, you are now. because he needs to be around you n touching you, he fucking loves you so much and just needs to touch n kiss n hold you

omfg, tries to feel the baby kick or anything like that before it's even possible. instantly starts talking to your baby before they're even supposed to be able to hear

if you're still sleeping, or napping, he'll cuddle up near your stomach and strokes the area, tracing hearts and stars and such, talking about how much he loves you. how great you are. tells funny stories from your shared childhood, tells your baby/babies about their future aunts n uncles n grandparents.

they're gonna be so loved.

n if you wake up in the middle of him doing this, try to stay still and listen because then he goes on about how much he loves the babe/s and how he's gonna take care of them, and you, and he'll protect n love them n he daydreams out loud about all the milestones, all the way up to their weddings which just makes him cry

you might even catch him rambling about how he'll make sure they never feel insecure, or like a burden, or anything like that, especially any feelings or thoughts he had from his childhood.

and yeahh, he'd be so overwhelmed and freaked out if your first pregnancy is TWINS!! he gets anxious. because now there's a double chance of failure. he's just so afraid for your future, and even if you're anxious and afraid too now with the news, he does calm down even if you don't comfort him.

bouncing your anxieties off each other, makes him realize you're both going towards a good path. if you're already worried about X, Y, and Z, then you know you're on the same page, and while parenthood is unpredictable.. your beliefs and wishes for your family are certain

takes a deep breath n just promises you it'll be okay. you'll figure it out. you can worry through parenthood together. and you'll figure it out together.

does call his dad and he talks to cove, helps him with his anxieties, etc.. it helps him relax when cliff says that, while cove was a very happy accident, at least he's prepared unlike he and kyra were. this was something you wanted, prepared for. that all the mental preparation, is the best it'll get and now you have to figure it out together, and that he, kyra, and your moms are here to help you figure it out.

n omg cove feeling bad about you being sore, tired, exhausted from the baby totally rearranging your guts and pressing against your bladder like a meat press.

always offers you massages, foot rubs. and helps you do any maintenance, like helping you shave or doing your names, put on lotion, etc. since your stomach is getting too big to work around

helps you put on your shoes if you need, too. he brings you all the snacks (ends up trying your cravings too. in fact, HE has cravings n now both of you are scrambling for the car and end up sitting in the parking lot eating whatever weird combo one of you thought of)

and you're so right about him finding you attractive when you're pregnant, not necessarily sexual like you said although it has undertones. in fact, since we're talking about it. it's kinda like they're satisfied they made their mark on you LOL

which in that case... cove probably doesn't even realize how.. happy. he is. that whenever you leave the house, people can easily see you have someone at home waiting for you. that you're taken.

literally read an article about men's thoughts on their pregnant wives, and they're so interesting (can't get over the guy saying ["my wife still doesn't believe i found her sexy during her pregnancy. i saw what a baby did to her and it just made me want to fill her with more."])

n their increased attraction all seems to come back to their wife carrying their baby, and their body getting bigger. not even just her boobs and butt, loves how her tummy gets bigger during the pregnancy, loves the stretches marks because it's a sign of the hard work she did carrying their baby

he just loves everything about you. loves your glow, your scent, your whole look.

also like i said before, pregnancy just kinda flipped a primal switch in cove's brain. happens to pretty much every man on the planet. loves when you ask him for help because you're too pregnant to do it. or if you call him "daddy", "papa" or something along those lines, just messing with him (same way guys will call you "mama"), he has to grip the counter n take a minute because omfg... he's a dad. he's your babies dad. even if you don't call him that, has to take a breather if you bring him up like that.

is so fucking ecstatic about you calling him your babies father that he will probably fall on the floor crying n throwing up like. he's insane.

ohhh and he'd just be at your beck and call the further along you get. imagine him with his arm wrapped around your waist or shoulder, just keeping you secure in his grip as you cross the road.

just becomes so much more protective. subtly of course, not overboard like growling n hissing but yknow he keeps you close, keeps an eye out.. etc.

oh and you're so right about him putting himself between you n touchy stranger number 8123901. even if you tell him it's okay, he still checks you out to see if you're uncomfortable.

but lets be real, i can't see many daring to get handsy and pushy with your over 6 foot, somewhere 'round 200lbs, husband next to you. that'd just be stupid.

so don't be afraid to just drag him to the store to be your shield LOL

still, even though he relaxes a bit as your pregnancy progresses and to strangers, he seems pretty relaxed and cool n all that. does go home with you and can't help but cry because you look so cute, and your family is increasing, n it's just all so much. he's a big baby still

#olba #cove holden #cove holden x reader

[tulipsstudyblr]

How to Make it Through to the End of the School Year

I myself am pushing through to the end of my spring semester (gotta make it to finals week 😅) and it's rough, for sure. I'm rounding out my junior year of college and it's quickly hitting me that after this, I'll only have one more year left of school (as of right now).

I know I listed in the bio of this blog that there would be advice/study tips and while I am no expert, I can speak from my experience and what has worked for me. DIsclaimer: everyone is different and what I may or may not list here is not a cure-all for everyone, this is just how I stay productive and efficient.

Taking breaks! - I struggle a lot with recognizing my limits and taking healthy breaks so I can work best. Recently, a friend and I have been having outside study times ("picnics") where we sit and do some work and/or color. One evening, we even made chai lattes on the lawn to have while we colored. Personally, I love simple coloring books (like Disney, but I'm currently working in a Bluey book). Also, this past weekend, I made time in between my textbook readings to rewatch a favorite movie of mine, Ella Enchanted. I haven't taken the proper time to watch TV in a while, so it was a nice change of pace.

Properly eating and hydrating - This is also something I struggle with. I understand how easy it is to get hyperfocused and forget about food in the midst of studying. I am thankful to have a girlfriend who will check in on me when she can to make sure my water bottle is filled if I have been busy throughout the day, but I have also set an alarm on my laptop to ding every 20 minutes. I'm using the Google Chrome extension "Water Reminder", which has been super helpful for me! It's not super cutesy and aesthetic like other Chrome extensions, but I like the simple ding that reminds me to drink water in case I haven't in a while. Hearing a reminder to drink water also allows me to check in with myself to see how I'm feeling in terms of hunger. I try to schedule meals times specifically for myself so that I can remember to eat. Some people are really great about intuitive eating, but I am unfortunately not one of those people. Keeping track of the time and keeping meals times at 7:30 - 8:00 am (breakfast), 11:00 am - 12:00 pm (lunch), and 5:00 pm (dinner/supper), I find it easier to keep up with eating so that I can stay healthy and nourished.

Studying - probably a more obvious "tip", but with my own addition. I like to romanticize the idea of studying. I use specifically colored pens, marker, and highlighters to make each of my notes in class and outside of class to keep myself focused. I love things that are artsy and colorful, so using lots of colors keeps my attention on the material.

Self care - I love face masks, body lotion, and moisturizers. I can't afford the super expensive skincare that you see on TIkTok and Instagram, but I have found some products that work well for me. I like the non abrasive Neutrogena face wash, Nivea body lotion (with shea butter - this also helped heal my tattoos!), and peach slices acne patches (my current lifesavers). Freeman is a brand that makes some really good face masks that have worked for my somewhat senstiive skin and they have a good variety so that you can find what you may be looking for you. They're an inexpensive brand (I think) that works pretty well. Even my sister who is into cosmetology and skincare and knows all the nitty gritty details about what ingredients are good recommended the brand to me so I definitely love to use those when I can (no more than twice a week, though; no need to wear down my face)

Get a study buddy - if you're like me and you find it easier to be productive with another body around, see if you can find someone to study with you or to at least hang around you while you work. As I saif before, a friend and I have been having little picnics outside in the nice weather to work, but I have also met up with others in a library space or a study room to keep myself prodcutive. Some days, I am really productive on my own and in my room, but other days, I really need a change of scenery. Being outside of the space where my lovely bed is and having someone else bear witness to how productive or not I am being is certainly a motivator.

I may discover new habits that can help me as I progress through the next month, but as of right now, these are the main things that are helping me.

#academia #college #college student #studyblr #studying #school #student life #study aesthetic #study blog #study motivation #college life #university #student #art student #school aesthetic #learning #study #studyspo #study space #study tips #tips #useful #helpful #how to #studyspiration #study session #studystudystudy

[nc-vb]

ughhhhkshks now that i'm actively trying to take better care of my diabetes, i keep having low blood sugar rather than consistent highs and i'm just... how tf do i explain this lmfao, my body feels like a slime monster?? like that's how i'm moving around rn and i feel all sludgy and weak like i'm about to melt????

#blehhhhh and every time i try to correct it it's by way too much and then my blood sugar is high again #LOL there's no winning!!! xD #this post is lighthearted so dw; i really am fine #it's been 19 years of having it but i've been really mistreating my body and not at all taking care of myself #so now that i am my body's like “ohhh you fucked up; here's some punishment” and it's just me not being able to stand up w/o fainting #or wanting to faint really #and i'm SLEEPY but if i sleep i could die so i can't do that either grrrr #looking to trade a pancreas... you take my broken one and i'll also throw in a perfectly healthy uterus?? and you give me your working panc #yeah #good deal #✦ misc.

[cryptids]

re: the situation here, the supreme court is gonna be announcing their decision tomorrow on whether to declare the mining contract illegal/unconstitutional (actually its a bit more complicated bc they'll be repealing a specific law, but to keep it understandable lmao) which would then give justification for it to be voided. first quantum minerals will likely try to sue our government if that happens, but that'll be the next problem to deal with and people would rather know our representatives actually convey the population's will at the very least lmfao. but if the court doesn't give the decision people want to hear then shit will definitely kick off for at least a few days.

also the canadian embassy have refused to get involved at all or even give a statement, and won't respond to anyone, but it doesn't surprise me whose side the canadian government is on 🤡

this was the crowd outside the supreme court this afternoon though

#🐊 #god i really am hoping for the best but the corruption is just so so so bad here #even within the supreme court too #im also a bit worried abt potential riots etc. if it's bad news bc the police will start escalating shit immediately #but im also gonna be so angry its gnna take some willpower not to be outside smashing car windows and shit myself jsdfjgsdgfsdgj #this whole situation has felt so frustrating bc its like the panamanian population right now are the only thing standing in the way of such #mass scale destruction of the rainforest (not to mention the exploitation colonialism and everything else) and so many people have been #trying so hard in struggles against both this company and our government #but we're such a small country and its like nobody cares about us

[silenthillbunni]

🚬🧸🧃🎀

#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance #so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life #and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future #so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D #what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk) #i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it #i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months #then i'll start my other 4 classes in january #i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery) #(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..) #also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt #if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may #if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless #i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university???? #i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education #bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it #also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move #i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!! #but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try #i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by

#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about #but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were #and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat #as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like #a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain #it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot #i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds #i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh #political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore #they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get #but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk #i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers #here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now #it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths #i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how #burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that #i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up #could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan? #to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me #coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage #you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao #i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now #bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will #i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail #also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e #no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it #i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course #idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do #anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand #shai speaks

[brookheimer]

#again this is all my fault i had a week to do this i just can’t seem to do any work unless the deadline is within like . 24 hours #otherwise i can’t get myself to focus or care #thanks brain. #the film one will be easy though i can bullshit it bc my profs give out B+ as the highest grade apparently so i should stop writing A papers #for them and just get the same grade for less work . unfortunately i love writing papers (even though i hate it) and can never actually #like phone in a paper like even when i try to i end ip getting into it by the end #i’m so bad at just being like yeah let’s write a B paper. i canyyyyttttyt ! which is so annoying bc i’ll get a B in this class anyways bc #it’s 300 ppl and they don’t read the papers they just give everyone a B+ so WHY DO I BOTHER #praying that for the first time in my life i write a mid paper on purpose and it takes an hour or so #then i can focus the next 12 hours on the paper i both want and need to do well on #well maybe not NEED like i’d prob get an A in the class if i got a B+ or even a B maybe on the final #but it’s my last class ever (transferring😬) with my favorite professor in the world . i have never gotten below an A- from him on a paper #and that was only in my first class w him like i’ve gotten all As since so i NEEEEED to go out w a bang. seriously. i like him too much not #to!!! it’s also a topic i’m rly interested in except also i still don’t actually know my thesis. i just have 20 pages of brainstorming and #research. don’t know what i’m doing w it yet tho #agggggghh #so mad at myself — went to bed at 7 FUCKING PM by accident bc i hadn’t slept in 40 hours and forgot to set an alarm for like 6 to try and #make up for all the work i didn’t do yesterday so now here we r. aaaagggggggh #sorry for the personal vent in the tags but this is my blog i can vent if i want to (to the tune of that one song) #i’m actually insane why am i subjecting myself to this. and even worse why am i (ADHD #depression insane) transferring to one of the like 20 schools in america that’s more academically demanding than the one i’m at rn. why am #i making things worse for myself. #except blah blah blah not really i’m fine academically and honestly except for finals (which is always just a procrastination issue w me) #cld provably use smth a little more demanding at times like i need classes hard enough to actually convince my brain that i need to do yhe #readings lolll like i genuinely always Want to do them bc they’re things i am honestly super interested in i just a) am so bad at focusing #and b) am Disturbingly good at bullshitting like i typically am one of the most talkative ppl in classes despite doing 1/2 or less of the #readings.. and like not even to get a participation grade. just bc i can skim it and immediately have things to say ab it #that’s why i won a like national award in high school for a paper on a book i didn’t actually read😬 except i had WANTED! to read it! #that’s the issue like. if u know u can bullshit something how do u get ur adhd brain to get the message that u actually want to read it #raAaagh ok personal rambling over o know it’s prob annoying bc like i Do do well in school n i am grateful i just wish i was healthier ab it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sometimes i feel like my brain is disintegrating in my head. coming apart like a lump of paper in a pool of water #it comes with this weird feeling of vertigo. like i turn my head and my thoughts are spinning too fast. they keep going despite my standing #still. its also a but when you start drinking something and when u stop your thoughts r hazy and ur breathing is heavy #maybe thats not a universal experience. sometimes when i stop i realize ive slipped half out of my body #and now im stumbling from day to day trying desperately to remember all the things im supposed to be managing #but there are these big holes in my brain. like im missing chunks of grey matter. the bits that would let me stop and start things #i dunno. when im taking measurements i have this image of myself on my knees holding the fragrance pieces of my life together as they #crumble thru my fingers and my insides shrivle away from the walls that contain them. i go hollow like a gord #and ppl say oh ur so passionate abt what u do. and i go brittle bc it doesnt feel like passion it feels like the symptom of an illness #i dont care. im just trying to burn the hours away. make time vanish. and for what? what am i building toward? i have an answer that i give #interviewers but i dunno i never thought id make it this far. but here we r. unhappy and lacking in purpose. its just that this last year #was so weird bc about a year ago i burned out so hard that i never recovered and it just got worse and worse. i feel now that ive stopped #the bleeding at least but the bitterness is still there. still infecting my words and curving my spine around the injury #and in theory i understand the path to healing but its hard when im just so. i dont even kno. angry? im not mad but the word feels right #but i dunno what id be angry about. maybe im just sick of empty tasks and not caring. i used to have passion and enthusiasm now i just feel #fragile and hurt. bracing for pain. and that makes me so sad. i wish i could go out into the woods and wander. just breathe #but no. instead ill start another day identical to 100 others and hope to keep my head above the surface bc im sick of swallowing sea water #anyway. itll b fine. hopefully this week i can commit to a program. hopefully. another program halfway across the country. this time #vertically. landing me still 2 time zones from home. but hopefully there i can breathe a little. maybe. hopefully. well see #unrelated

[gideonisms]

grits teeth this anxiety is just an excuse to treat myself better that's all this is telling me. It's just the sign to go on more walks and make myself my favorite tea and read more. Things that WILL feel good and luxurious so help me

#going to win at self care something that is normal to want and possible to achieve #knowing for a fact i'm never anxious about the thing i think i am and i'll figure out 2 years from now what this was about #but still having random intrusive thoughts and judging myself for everything i've ever done is like. #guess i will just stew in this! until unspecified date my brain decides things are better. rolls eyes this shit again #>:/ #things that should feel fine do not feel fine i can't tell if they're really not or if i'm just having feelings at random #love to be the sherlock holmes of my own fucking life trying to figure out what's going on when the causes for this in the past have been #everything from actually horrible job to didn't read enough to too much noise in the morning to actual depression to not enough interaction #to too much interaction #like? give me a clue here #am i upset about insert event this fall or am i sad i got a b on a recent paper. hello?? #side note this is so funny i put more personal details into this recent paper bc the professor said we should #got a worse grade than my sterile infodumps. back to infodumping it is! experiment concluded #it was also 30 minutes late maybe that's why #she also just skipped grading a presentation i did? like just. wasn't on there #idk man i might just take the b for the class trying to decide if i care enough to email to be like #you have skipped. assignments

[dirt-str1der]

I literally had a dream about reading the worst fan fiction like fucking ever kiryu was just randomly a yandere and nishiki was trying his best to survive also kiryu turned into a dragon (deez nuts) halfway and let nishiki kill him for being a bad boy but he was so upset about having to kill his bro that he just lay in the corpse for a bit and thats when i decided to stop reading and i literally opened tumblr in my dream to complain about how bad it was like the writing went back and forth from being terrible to incredible and i found myself enjoying some parts and despising others. I skipped the first few chapters so i had to tab back out and read the summary like why are they in a beach resort and the summary didnt just tell me nothing but it was also double spaced between each line and very fucking irritating and while reading it i kept thinking this is extremely ooc and boring like they would not fucking say that

#Listen to my problems #i cant stress enough that i dont even ship them why did i read a sex fic about kiryu and nishikiyamer #like i believe they are the bestest of friends forever and ever and like as hotblooded young men growing up together they must have tried a #few sex moves on each other at least once but i dont think they see each other as romantic prospects. like unlike majima and saejima #(seajima) who are literally together all the time and will never travel anywhere without the other unless its to prison. kiryu and nishiki #have this understanding that eventually theyll have to part ways and find their own path. while they would always remain in each others #hearts and thoughts they knew that they couldnt be holding hands forever and besides they have to focus on getting kazama to the top not #each other !! so nishiki was very happy that kiryu was getting his own family soon even if it meant that kiryu was getting ‘ahead’ of him #and kiryu who can accept consequences for himself but no one else was just like um ... well nishiki please give me the gun and take yumi #your sister needs you or whatever <3 i am definitely expendble and prison life is for me yayy yayyyy i love going to jail so nobody can talk #to me ever again. i keep asking myself how difficult it would have been for kiryu to just pop in by the hospital every now and then to check #in on nishikis sister. its not like he cant take care of her. its not like he doesnt know how to earn money. he just straight up thinks that #nishiki is better than him so he should be the one to get locked up ... because nishiki can take care of yumi and i straigh up forgot his si #sisters name and reina and kazama without him. and nishikis like damn i wish kiryu was here so bad (looks at his wwkd bracelet) hm think ill #go insane. i literally forgot what my original point was but that fic was so bad guys im so glad it doesnt exist #in it kiryu was trying his best to keep nishiki in one place and he kept being very. well kiryu was just kiryu but he kept apologising #saying things like you cant leave yet ... and looking at him with his big sad eyes and nishiki would always be like f-fine ... (he doesnt #like it here) also nishiki was one hell of a princess type and had a nurse costume on at some point which means the yakuza server nishiki #propoganda is working on me. very weird. love the part when kiryu was randomly a big dragon because he utterly filled the hallways of their #little beach shack and his scales were nice and soft and he was lovely. little guy

[yawn-emoji]

#who i was march 24 2022 and who i am now are completely different people. i remember crying in caffe reggio to zay sun and adiba because #my dad was in the hospital and we didnt know why and we werent even there to support him and my mom because we had travelled to nyc that #morning. and the whole trip was overshadowed by this sense of grief and fear and horror at what was unfolding back at home while i was #trying to pretend everything was okay and that i was fine. i never cry in public but i cried on the q train while visiting my coworker who #lives in manhattan and then i sobbed in a xi’an famous foods location in manhattan w my brothers because the cheapest and earliest train #home was that night and i had no idea what to do w myself #and when we got home finally we all knew what the diagnosis was but nobody wanted to say it not even the doctors. i dont think anyone used #the actual word cancer to us for months. they cloaked it in such technical terms so as to make it easier to swallow but it was still like. #an elephant in the room yk? nobody told us the stage either but it was a stage iv glioblastoma and i remember going on r/glioblastoma and #just crying reading all the posts abt how difficult this disease is. most projections were six months to a year and a half. a lot of people #even chose not to get treatment because of the high probability that it would make no difference to the prognosis. i have no idea whether we #made the right choice going w chemo or not honestly. only time will tell i guess. inshaAllah this will prove to have been the right choice #idk what im even trying to say now. i just dont reflect a lot on where i was when this started because it’s… almost too painful. i have #given up so much for my dad at this point and i still feel like it’s not enough but also i’ve been trapped by this sickness and i’ve given #up my life to it and idk how to rebuild myself from here. i need to move on w my life but what if these are the last moments w him and i #take those for granted by not staying home to take care of him and spend time w him. again idk what im trying to say here i just have no #idea how we got to this place. it still feels like some insane fever dream that i will suddenly awaken from #seeing pictures of my dad even from 2021 is the hardest thing. i have no idea what happened to that bright funny charismatic loving man. he #is literally a shell of himself at this point and i hate it. it actually turns my stomach sometimes because it all is so wrong #none of this was supposed to happen he was supposed to retire peacefully somewhere tropical in a couple years not get diagnosed w cancer #journal #illness tw

[strwbrymlkshake]

literalyl insane if my dumb feelings don't go away I'll have to start a normal normal rant tag for him I think –_–

#mine #i feel so bad i havent talked to anyone except my group thats involved in my hyperfixation recently uwagh #i will try to take a break tomorrow. hyperfixation doubled with guy im kind of obsessed with creates literally no time for anything else #im still taking care of myself while being so fixated i cant move for several hours. good on me for that #anyways anyways i tried not to be deranged today. not even fathoming romance atm im just happy i get to be around him teehee #made me rly think about how hes been very chill with everything ive ever said to him even tho i am a little freak . which is uncommon #i am not daydreaming about it because itll break my fucking heart but im content for now i think :) i like hanging out with him #'im normal about him' proceeds to talk abt him on my yandere blog. #im not feeling yanderish i just dont have another place to talk abt this stuff so here it is! bon appetite #im not rly freaking out as much and im good at distancing myself from him. even tho idk if anything will happen im trying to #practice controlling my insane person feelings when around him ;-; im doing good i THINK i havent been as weird #my thoughts around him are all weird and distorted and not quite romantic (yet?) but i know that i just feel comfortable w him #im:) im happy im enjoying. watch him get a partner immediately after this and i go batshit bc that is my freakin luck #well it doesnt matter i had a good time while i could and thats what counts ig . had only a smidgen of hope anyways! but its ok #i am so jaded to romance i am going to accept whatever happens and hope its atleast funny . and he finds humor in it #n i would get to hear his horrid laugh. itd be nice. i like it its very contagious. his voice maxes my brain out in serotonin #he was messing around w me in [hyperfixation] and i really enjoyed the attention hwuwhidhekfn made me flustered #i was saying like Romantic CodedTM things to him and he was just giving indecisive responses but not elaborating . so who knows #im not fretting or anything like its fun its chill i feel relaxed !! very casual stuff am having a good time. he has beautiful eyes also. #hes so talented and knows what hes doing. and hes so freaking smart he knows so much stuff oh my god. #i keep having repeated dreams abt him its weird fjdjfjdk. normal things to say abt ur friend btw. normal #i think his fascination w [redacted] is so beautiful his memory is rly good too. im NORMAL i swear #i like to cause spectacles that are memorable and funny so he pays attention to me more. i like attention from everyone but his is esp. fun #i love my friends so much i tell them that i appreciate them everyday. i hope they know they are loved so much #i probably just love the side of himself he chooses to show n not his authentic true self bc online stuff oh well #tho i do feel if you spend an ungodly amnt of hrs straight with someone then you are bound to know them more intimately #i love doing absolutely nothing with my friends and make our own fun in boredom. reminds me of my childhood #maybe i am allowed to think abt him awkwardly patting me on the head. as a treat #this guy reminds me of a previous love interest too except he doesnt emotionally abuse me or himself and has a freaking soul #💿

[tripably]

The way my own brain tries to sabotage my attempt at obtaining a healthier relationship with food is astonishingly irritating, mostly due to being so unbelievably illogical.

When my body started screaming about being ravenously hungry approximately two hours ago, my brain sent out an immediate, automated, unrepliable response along the lines of "No food necessary. You can't possibly be hungry, you've not even done anything today".

As if I haven't been up for, what, 11 hours, majority of which trying to internalize everything I possibly can regarding my new job, on just two cups of coffee and a small bowl of pasta. As if thinking and learning new things wouldn't require energy.

Or no, in fact, as if the task of having sustained the bodily functions of an actual real life person for the past 30 years including today couldn't possibly require more energy than whatever is in 100 grams of white pasta with trace amounts of feta cheese and olive oil, a couple of cherry tomatoes, and maybe a desilitre of oat milk.

As if I would somehow (how????) need to earn the right to, what, keep sustaining said bodily functions? In the eyes of whom, my own brain? Surely not that brain, the one that is in fact included in those bodily functions that apparently aren't significant enough to deserve to go on uninterrupted??

Like does this brilliant brain of mine seriously believe that starving myself is somehow an option that leads to a good outcome? Have we not seen enough logical proof against that? Have we not read enough articles about the ineffectiveness and dangers of diet culture?

And if reading about it really is not enough: have we not been doing that for the past 15 years with whatever is the the opposite of success? How fucking long do we have to keep repeating the same fucking behaviour before accepting the fact that it is not fucking working??????

#unspecified and undiagnosed eating disorders #unhealthy eating habits #under read more bc i know how triggering this topic can be and because i'm not sure how to tag this #but yeah it only took me half an hour or so to wake up to my very own gaslighting and now i'm waiting for my dinner to cook #i hate having to learn how to eat at 30 years old #against a brain that's hellbent on believing whatever bullshit it's internalized re obesity and health #apparently also against a brain that doesn't necessarily want us to stay alive? which i guess shouldn't feel so much like a surprise #with my history #anyway this is such a fucking boring thing to learn #i could be learning to play an instrument #or a new language #or to improve my literary analysis skills #or literally anything fun and interesting #but no #here i am trying to learn how to keep myself alive as if 30 years shouldn't be enough time to learn that #i guess i should focus on the fact that i did catch these thought processes though #instead of blaming myself for things i struggle with regardless of whether they are my own fault or not #and instead of comparing my struggles to those i see and don't see affecting other people #also it just now dawned on me that i've now spent two hours obsessing over the ways in which i struggle taking care of myself #in no productive way #bye gotta go decide what to do with the rest of my evening

[exopelagic]

fun new cold symptom: hallucinating a plant breeding experiment in bed while trying to sleep

#I am DYING here man #I’ve been in bed trying to sleep since before 10pm it’s been 4ish hours #I keep waking up every few hours and I’ve been so stressed abt these plants bc they’re in really poor experimental conditions #I think i convinced myself that I was some kind of autonomous turned sentient robot in my uni’s experimental greenhouse #and I’ve been looking after these plants and monitoring soil conditions and photosynthetic rate and that kinda shit #and people keep coming in and messing with the plants and it’s not just my experiment that I’m looking after!! #they’re fucking up big important expensive experiments with like transgenic crop varieties and shit that can’t be done again easily #and this is all. overlaid over my bed because I was in that half awake state where I’m just about conscious of my surroundings #but I didn’t know what they really were #so instead of lying in bed I was this robot which has sensors all along this table attached to plants that I’m taking care of #but I also have this big communication thing by my head which let me move around a big camera and talk to people #there was a whole undercurrent of whether or not I was really a person. and me being scared they’d shut me down both for fucking up #and for not being the basic robot anymore bc I wasn’t meant to be sentient #and SOMEHOW. this is all happening while I’m in bed bc I have a fucking fever and I’m lying propped up in a slightly uncomfortable way #to let me actually breathe through my nose #what the FUCK #i only just snapped out of it when I was going to text my friend abt the experiment and I slowly had to realise that’s not real #I just wanna sleep for like a straight 6-8 hours please I’m so tired and people outside are being loud now #maybe I take more paracetamol I’ve had long enough since my last dose now and I think that’s sensible #luke.txt

[cybermeep]

everythings fine except the curtains are on fire and oh fuck the house is on fire but its not just the house its me too and im sitting in the kitchen on a chair on fire and. I . Am not having a good time. Holy fuck i havent been having a good time for like two hours

#cybers vent territory #yeah… #ignore this its like 12 am here but #oh my GOD im not okay right now #like i feel so gross #i took a bath earlier too im not even actually dirty i just feel… eurgh #ive felt like this for a few hours and have been trying to ignore it but it just sucks #and i hate it cause. i dont wanna feel like this #i hate feeling weird and gross I NEVER. feel weird and gross #but i do right now because i just got reminded and.. ugh #i keep reminding myself and being dumb #so its like essentially my fault im just. eurgh im a mess #it does not help i feel SO uncomfortable and im not even doing anything im just sitting here #uggh… i dont like it.. #maybe its all my emotions i wasnt feeling spilling out at night or something.. idk… #all i know is i am. feeling gross. and i hate it. #i literally dont know what to do to stop feeling this way.. #but ill be fine.. probably #oh boy! i sure do hope i learn how to balance my own needs! pukes everywhere #BUT THATS THE THING i know.. how to.. i think.. im just. dumb #like i know when to take alone time. but im also a dumbass #i could be spoonfed warnings and still walk through cause i wanna be nice and wanna be curious and just. make myself upset #like right now #like im upset. not upset like mad but. uncomfortable. nauseous. because im being Stewpit #does that make sense??? #i donr know #i dont really care actually its very late #ill probably delete this at some point #who knows #anyway im back to pokemon or. sleep. i donr know what ill be doing.. just trying to get less ‘i want die’ feeling