#and now I feel like I can’t tell anybody how awful I’m feeling without being judged

[lemongizumo]

I didn’t want to make any public posts about what’s been happening in the past days in our fandom because of my health issues. Some of you know, mostly people I consider my friends now, others because I was offering emergency commissions to solve hospital and treatment costs, but my health isn’t that good lately and the level of drama, intensity and everything around this topic was affecting me. Still is a bit. However, after everything that has come out, so many similar experiences, so many people being manipulated, hurt and damaged because of this one individual who I considered my friend, I can’t remain silent anymore. I just can’t. I’m still shocked and feeling so many emotions, from sadness to concern, from disappointment to anger. Even guilty for not realizing how disgusting this person was. It’s unbelievable.

I won’t go into any details, those involved know everything that needs to be known. I will not share screenshots either but there are plenty to prove what this person tried to do until the end and how many people she damaged.

I became her friend months ago, around August/September of last year. I considered her a real friend, a good one even, she was nice to me all the time and talked to me every day for all these months. She bought my friendship with love bombing, gifts, with praise about my art and me, a fucking naïve idiot, thought she was sincere. I never noticed the red flags until it was too late, how she was collecting artists along the way and discarding the ones that weren’t useful. She was after popular people, writers and artists, anyone that could give her status. She wanted her name seen everywhere and she invaded every space she could. She also promoted her server to anybody who had big numbers or was known in the HG fandom.

I didn’t know anybody in the fandom, only some names I followed because I admired their art or writing. I always spent my days in any fandom as a spectator, doing fanart and having casual conversations but not getting close to anybody. She was the first person I let get close to me.

I trusted her and that was a mistake I’ll regret for a long time.

She took advantage of me not knowing anybody, she used me as a dumpster bin to trash talk about others, she played victim over and over again, she claimed some people hated her, and she made me believe so many things that I later discovered weren’t real. She twisted reality to her convenience; she created a false narrative where she was the poor victim who was attacked constantly and that she only wanted the best for everybody. She just wanted to be ‘nice.’

Knowing English isn’t my first language and sometimes it’s hard for me to understand certain expressions, she used that to be able to act as a bigot without me noticing until it was too late.

And I believed her. I believe every single fucking word she said about others, because why would she lie? She was just trusting me with things, right? She was just warning me about people, she cared about me, she was just looking out for me.

I’m a good friend, I know I am. Friendship has always been important to me, and I’m faithful to whoever I care about. I thought I was being a good friend to her by defending her and giving her my thoughts and opinions about all these ‘awful’ people who didn’t like her and were against her.

She just wanted an ally.

Her love bombing and praise only lasted until I didn’t act the way she wanted.

I confronted one of her ‘friends’ in her server after that person was exposing an innocent writer just to humiliate them. I was mistreated and attacked. She, the owner, didn’t do anything to stop it while I was telling her in dms what was happening. She didn’t do anything at all because she didn’t care.

She didn’t care either when I showed her proof that her friend was a terf. I was worried, I was so naïve I thought maybe this person didn’t know about her friend being transphobic. But she knew. She didn’t act surprised, she just did her best to clarify she wasn’t a terf ‘by association’ in between jokes and tried to justify her friend over and over again. She dismissed my worries and acted like it wasn’t such a big deal.

I trusted her to the point I felt safe enough to tell her I am autistic and how hard it was growing up not knowing that, how everyone treated me as if I was dumb when I was a kid and a teenager. Her attitude towards me changed after she knew my diagnosis. From treating me like I was a child to a condescending way to talk to me whenever I did ‘wrong.’

I supported her when she decided to create a BB just to be called silly and treated as stupid because I wouldn’t join if the terf was there. She simply didn’t care I was affected because I’m non-binary and trans. She just wanted artists for her shitty event because she needed to make a name among other events. She kept insisting that I join, even after she knew the terf was going to be a part of the event. She wanted me to be a pinch hitter artist.

I finally opened my eyes after my medical emergency in February. I decided to open emergency commissions to help with the costs and that led me to talk to people I never talked to before. People this individual didn’t want me to talk to.

I don’t know why things happen but everything seems to happen for a reason. Some people that reached out to me to help me were people this individual talked shit about over and over again for months. And to my surprise, they were nothing like I was made to believe. On the contrary, these people were sweet, nice, and were actually sincere.

Her reaction to me talking to them was passive-aggressive comments, jokily threats and playing the victim. She also started giving me the silent treatment in order to manipulate me again. Which, luckily, didn’t work.

This disgusting individual lied so much I have spent the last few days wondering how much of what she said was true and how much was bullshit. She tried to mess with friendships, she tried to ruin a relationship, she made racist and transphobic comments, she lied about so many people that didn’t deserve it, she thought her lies wouldn’t catch up to her and kept acting like a ‘mean girl’ who wanted to be number one in popularity. She thought having popular friends, who she bragged about, would keep her away from anything.

She thought she was safe and that I was stupid enough to keep believing her.

I’m not stupid. I never was.

And I will not remain silent while she still plays victim, while she decided to blame ME for all of her fucking mess.

When this whole thing exploded, she desperately tried to convince someone she wasn’t bad, that it was all a misunderstanding and that she was just venting to me. A good pity party because she was being called out and she didn’t expect it. She tried to convince them that I was to blame. She didn’t hesitate to throw me under the bus, to make anyone believe I was the villain, exposing me with screenshots, for all we know, were probably manipulated by her. It is now known that she edits, changes and deletes messages.

I’m not a villain for exposing the truth to people I now care about. To people who have been nothing but nice to me even tho they are aware I said awful things about them based on what this individual told me. She tried to brainwash me with her lies and almost succeeded.

The past few weeks have been hard. But it’s harder to see how many others she hurt.

She’s not a good person no matter how much she tried to act like one. Her disgusting behavior led to so much damage and she got me involved in it, using me until the end.

This behavior is not ‘fandom drama,’ it is dangerous behavior, one that should not be tolerated or accepted. Fandom is not a place to escalate in popularity, to surround yourself with popular artists just to get something from them. Fandom should be a safe place for us to enjoy, to escape from reality, from the real world that is hard enough for so many of us.

I will not let her step on me anymore. I will not be her scapegoat. And she will not get my sympathy anymore.

Please be safe out there, do not let these people harm us anymore. This individual and her fucking terf friend can go fuck themselves.

I am so tired.

#fandom wank #i guess it is #dangerous behavior #personal post

[bluewxrld07]

She's All I Wanna Be (Trevor Zegras)

Trevor Zegras x Reader - Instagram AU

Warning(s): Angst

Summary: Based off Tate McRae's song She's All I Wanna Be :)

dixiedamelio just posted a photo!!

liked by charlidamelio, mileycyrus, trevorzegras, and 1,250,542 others

dixiedamelio Inner Miley Cyrus Bangerz era.... oh and pc to Z

load more comments

user1 ok but her suit slays

user2 anybody else notice she didn't tag Trevor? Little sis if you ask me

user3 We all know they're together at this point. They just don't want to rip the bandaid off

user2 Right? We all know he dumped yourusername to be with Dixie. He's just trying to avoid confirmation

charlidamelio 🦆

addisonrae Bod goals af

trevorzegras 😳

trevorzegras sorry still in awe of u

user4 He doesn't even try to hide it

yourusername just posted a photo!

liked by jackhughes, yourbff, jamiedrysdale, colecaufield and 1,475,998 others

yourusername you want the girl with the small waist, and the perfect smile

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user1 She's always been so gorgeous I am obsessed w/her

user2 Glad to see a model who has the same body type as me owning it 🥰

user3 Yeeesshhhh Trevor's loss

user4 Why would she post something like this when her body looks like that? It's actually horrendous 🤢

user1 This is what healthy looks like first off? Second off she's a gym influencer who heavy lifts? What's your talent? Tell me her confidence levels are annoying you without actually telling me fr user4

yourbff Currrrves for daysss

yourbff Hottie w/ a body??!

jackhughes Bestie looking fine as always

yourbff um jackhughes bye she's my bff get your own bff since your last one has a trashy looking type jackhughes Shhhh don't expose me like that we don't claim it

trevorzegras just posted a photo!

liked by charlidamelio, dixiedamelio, alexturcotte, and 1,045,609 others

trevorzegras Obsessed w/ u

tagged: dixiedamelio

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user1 well this wasn't on my bingo card

user2 omg isn't that Charli's sister? I forgot her name. What does she do???

user1 I'm dead, you really clowning her lmfao user2

user3 So much prettier than what's her face

user4 I miss yourusername

user5 It's the fact that she's back to her darker hair? Anyone finding that a little weird?

dixiedamelio All heart eyes for you 😘

yourusername just posted a photo!

liked by yourbff, jackhughes, tatemcrae, gigihadid, and 2,649,913 others

yourusername if you say she's nothing to worry about, then why'd close your eyes when I said it out loud?

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jackhughes Bring me my matcha latte

yourusername I'd already be there if someone didn't drop it, so we're getting you a new one jackhughes yourbff It wasn't my fault the door didn't announce its presence..... jackhughes only you'd blame the door yourbff

user1 Literally love this girl

user2 Kinda crazy Trevor posts Dixie right after yourusername posted. He also never posted her, so what makes Dixie so different lmao

user3 what’s crazier is that Dixie literally just dyed her hair blonde and cut it so short, to now having dark hair and extensions 🤔

yourbff You look sooo good

yourbff IM obsessed w/ YOU

user4 The shade lmfao crazy

dixiedamelio posted a photo!

liked by noahbeck, charlidamelio, tanamongeau, trevorzegras and 3,146,098 others

dixiedamelio thanks vanity fair for the fun day 💅🏼

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user1 ohhhh boy…

user2 Yeah it’s scary how much she’s tryna look like yourusername

tanamongeau Wow Dix ballsy as fuck lmao

yourbff interesting.

user3 SO glad yourbff sees it too

user4 Dixie can try to look like her, but she won’t ever be able to lift like her. Bet she can’t lift anything over ten pounds

jackhughes just posted a photo!

liked by yourbff, colecaufield, l_hughes03, yourusername and 5,973,899 others

jackhughes We can lay on her and she still doesn’t feel a thing. Probably could lift us both with her eyes closed

tagged: yourusername, colecaufield

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user1 I’m living for Jack being on her side during this lmfao

user2 The SHADE LMFAO JACK

user3 Let’s see Dixie try to remake this photo bahahah

yourbff Pretty sure you all fell asleep like that too

yourusername we did lmfao

colecaufield comfiest I’ve ever slept

jackhughes 10/10 recommend

yourbff Writing out the yelp review rn

l_hughes03 I call top next time

yourbff just posted a photo!

liked by tatemcrae, yourusername, colecaufield and 1,347,856 others

yourbff I was just as amazed as Tate was when y/n lifted me onto her back. Carrying me on her back as well as she did with her last relationship. Stupid boy making her so sad

tagged: tatemcrae, yourusername

load more comments

tatemcrae That last line in your caption sounding a little familiar 🤔🤔

tatemcrae But also me next, me next!!

jackhughes I walked in on this

l_hughes03 I walked out on this

colecaufield I wanna be in on this

yourusername you’re all a pain in my ass on this

yourbff We just love you ok

*liked by yourusername, jackhughes, l_hughes03, colecaufield and tatemcrae*

user1 This friendgroup is what I strive to have in life

user2 Dixie kicking and punching air rn

*liked by yourbff*

dixiedamelio posted a photo!

liked by charlidamelio, trevorzegras, jamiedrysdale, alexturcotte and 4,137,980 others

dixiedamelio all mine plus bff

tagged : trevorzegras, alexturcotte

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user1 Girl keep him lmfao nobody gonna steal him like you did to yourusername

*liked by yourbff*

user2 Nah man not Alex bro rip 🥲🥲

trevorzegras all yours ❤️

charlidamelio He wanted someone he could show off whenever you go out

dixiedamelio I’ll wear a tight mini black dress with all my friends around 💅🏼

user3 ohhhh she PETTY petty

user4 Her and her sister wanna be besties with Tate and yourusername so bad omfg it’s a headache

*liked by yourbff and tatemcrae*

tanamongeau I think I’ve seen similar posts like these somewhere….🤔

yourusername posted a photo!

liked by jackhughes, tatemcrae, yourbff, trevorzegras and 7,247,113 others

yourusername I’m all she wanna be so bad

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user1 OH NOW THIS WAS A TWIST

user2 Not her turning the lyrics around to call out Dixie oop

tatemcrae lyric change approved 😚❤️

yourusername 🥰💅🏼

yourbff kind of like this version better

tatemcrae Glad I’m not the only one

jackhughes Permission to call you mommy after seeing this post?

yourusername denied

yourbff denied

tatemcrae denied

l_hughes03 Wow you got rejected more than me my Freshman year at Umich jackhughes

colecaufield The better looking ex

user3 It’s the fact Trevor liked the post too I’m dead

*liked by yourbff and yourusername*

#hockey boys #angst #luke hughes #y/n #cole caufield x reader #jack hughes x reader #trevorzegras #Trevor zegras imagine #trevor Zegras X reader #Tate McRae #think later #tik tok #trevor zegras angst #instagram au #instagram au imagine

[clonerightsagenda]

Sick

We're most of the way through disability pride month and I'm not sure if I'll ever finish this WIP because I'm stuck over how literal to make some of the elements. So, I am posting it because I am curious if any of the weirdness resonates with other people. Enjoy my magical disability cure codependent haunting thing, and also I am going to post a rambling author's note about it.

The morning after the surgery, your Sick is sitting at the kitchen table. It looks good, for a corpse. It’s wearing the ‘I love dying and being dead’ t-shirt you joked about buying two diagnoses ago, pulled over a laced-shut hospital gown.

“What?” it asks. “You had more of a sense of humor when you were sick.”

The doctors warned you that your neurochemistry might be out of balance. You’re adjusting to the sudden lifting of brain fog after moving through the world in a protective cocoon of pharmaceuticals. They didn’t mention hallucinations.

“Think of me like a phantom limb.” Your Sick sips one of those awful plant-based protein drinks that still lurk in the back of your pantry. “Why did you do it?”

Talking to hallucinations probably makes them worse. You do it anyway. “You were killing me.”

“This world is killing you. But you finished yourself off first.”

You sit down across from it in one effortless motion. “That’s not what happened.”

“Right. I’m the enemy. So it doesn’t matter if I’m rotting at the bottom of a biohazard bin.” It considers you. “What’s it like not to hurt?”

What is it like? You’d woken up and lain there for a while, waiting. “Like holding my breath.”

“You’re in charge of all that now.” It nods, the motion referencing the length of your body. “Need to stay on top of it.”

“Like I need advice from you,” you say, but you blink, and the phantom’s gone.

60,000 pieces of microplastic. 7.2 micrograms per liter of per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances. 1:640 antinuclear antibody titer.

That's what they peel you out of. A second nervous system of petroleum products and misfiring T cells, the stuff that's been running your life via mob rule for a decade. They tell you that you weigh five grams less now.

They tell you, don't be surprised if at first it feels like something is missing.

I thought that was just for rich people, your friend says. She messaged you to remind you to take your meds, and you told her that you would never have to take your meds again. Celebrities and politicians.

Work decided it was cheaper to fix me than replace me, you message back. Score one for being essential.

Perks of your top-secret job.

I promise it's boring. Critical infrastructure usually is.

Did you look?

Some people share post-op pictures. They’re usually underwhelming if you don’t know what to look for - the subtle swelling over an aggravated nerve, hints of boniness in the knuckles. Shadows of bruises that never go away. No. I should’ve, though. I asked for hospital socks when they were prepping me but then obviously after I didn’t have them anymore. Who knows if I’ll get another chance.

You might be finished with surgeries forever and you’re disappointed because you can’t get any more grippy socks.

I'll miss the warm blankets too.

Your Sick crawled inside you when you were nineteen years old. It wouldn’t let you get out of bed.

“Help,” it croaked.

Your roommate (only your roommate then) came the second time it called. She was in her pajamas, her hair a dark tangle. You never asked for her help, even when your hands got so sore you couldn’t open jars without five minutes of struggle. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t feel right,” it said.

Her face softened. “I thought you looked rough yesterday. I don’t have class this morning; do you want me to make something? Call anybody?”

No, you tried to say. I can handle it.

“I think I need to go to the doctor,” your Sick said instead.

You had been putting it off. The doctor meant admitting something was wrong, meant – most importantly – a $30 copay. But healthy people never understand when you try to tell them. At a certain point, your body stops being yours.

Your Sick turned up its nose at greasy slices of campus pizza. It politely but firmly refused invitations for a night out. It sanded the branching tree of your life into a wooden sphere it could cup in the palm of its hand.

“You’re ruining my life,” you told the mirror.

It tilted your head. You read your own confusion. “I’m protecting you.”

“Mask,” your Sick says from behind you. It looks worse today – skin gone gray and patchy, with a shimmer of microplastic shards risen to the surface like body glitter. The shine complements the sequined mask secured over its own face.

You scowl, bag swung over one shoulder. You haven’t gone out since the surgery – you can work from home, you haven’t canceled grocery delivery yet – and now that you’re venturing through your front door, the phantom is back. You had reached for one of the masks on the table by the door before dropping it back into the bowl. “I don’t need it now.”

“So respiratory diseases don’t exist anymore? Dumbass.”

The objection reminds you of your own aggrieved complaints: why don’t people plan events with us in mind, don’t they know how many people there are with immune systems one shove away from collapsing, the world’s not getting any safer.

That was your Sick talking. You don’t have to worry anymore.

“You weren’t doing a good job taking care of me before, and you’re not doing a good job of it now.”

Its eyebrows rise. Black liquid has seeped through the cloth of its mask. “And fuck everyone else like you?”

“Like you,” you say, and slam the door in its face.

Outside, the breeze brushes your cheeks. You don’t have to sit down because you miscalculated the balance of meds and breakfast. You start to scan your surroundings for bathrooms, just in case, and then dismiss the impulse because you’re fine.

You’re better than that.

Three hours in, you realize you’ve been curling your fingers into a fist and then opening them again. You only notice because the joints start to ache. It feels familiar.

Nothing else does.

A notification flashes in the corner of your screen. There’s new activity in one of the forum conversations you’ve been following.

It’s rich people doing what they always do. Wreck the planet? It’s fine, we can get a new one! Wreck your body? It’s fine, we can get a new one of that too. There’s no incentive to improve the situation if you can buy your way out of the problem.

I’d buy my way out too, but there’s no way I could afford it

Then you’d eat your first plastic salad and get sick again. See what I mean?

The new ones are supposed to be more resilient

But it’s not yours

Remember any theological debates go in the quarantine thread

I don’t mean it like that. I just think you’re interfering with your relationship with your body, and that’s a fundamental part of who you are, right? Whether or not a s*ul exists

There’s not a bot monitoring this thread. You don’t have to censor it.

Sorry, habit

Mod is human, asterisks don’t stop me. But they are a screenreader issue, so please edit your post.

You used to frequent disability forums. They had useful resources. Jokes, too, like the t-shirt your Sick wears over its hospital gown. But you can’t understand the people who embrace their disfunction. You took a time-honored approach to your medical misfortune. Cancer. Pregnancy. Demonic possession. Petrochemicals. There is something inside me, and I want it out.

These people helped you, but you don’t need them anymore. So instead of saying anything, you log off the forum for the last time.

You do tell your coworkers, who are excited for you. They pester you with questions over Slack: How long did it take? Did you look? Does it hurt?

Your boss messages you, When can you come back to the office?

You frown at the screen. The work you’ve been doing from home is good – better than what you’ve produced for years now that your head is clear. But your boss has always been old fashioned. Remote work was a concession that there’s no justification for now.

Monday, if you want, you type back.

That gets you an immediate thumbs up reaction, followed by, We’re all so glad you’re ok.

That chafes you in a spot rubbed raw. Everyone assumes once the problem they know about has been addressed, everything else must be resolved too. You must be ok.

Which you are, this time.

Your best friend comes to visit. She brings beers you couldn’t drink with your meds and a greasy pizza that settles in your stomach like a snake planning to strike later. It tastes amazing – you run your tongue over your teeth to capture the last traces of salty richness and tell yourself next time your body will recognize good food.

She’s spent the whole visit on your sofa. You have an air mattress from when she used to sleep on your floor while you were recovering from surgeries. She hasn’t asked you to bring it out, and you’re not sure how to ask if she’s staying. Instead you keep stealing glances at her, the curve of her cheek that’s the first thing you’d see when you looked over the side of your bed in the middle of the night, the hands that have held your hair back from the toilet bowl and now rest on her lap.

She keeps looking at you too. You wonder if she sees a difference.

After the silence and sidelong glances build into an itchy layer on your skin, you lean over, clutch the front of her shirt, and kiss her. She freezes and then kisses you back, gingerly, the way you'd investigate an unexpected bruise. There’s pizza grease on both your lips. Rich and unfamiliar.

You’re the one who pulls away. "I'm sorry," you say. "That's not what I want."

She’s stiff under her softness, like an examination table. "I didn’t think so. I didn't think you did that kind of thing."

You don’t. It’s the silence. Your empty floor. Her hands, resting on her lap. "I just thought…” you try. “That kind of closeness is enough for everyone else."

Your fingers are still clenched in her shirt. She looks at them until you untangle them, one by one. The knuckles don’t ache.

She shakes her head. "It's like you don't want to be better."

“That went well,” your Sick says after the door swings shut.

“It’s your fault.”

It tilts its head on a neck that’s looser than it should be. “I didn’t do anything.”

It’s right. When you were sick you could request a shoulder rub to loosen tight muscles or hike up your shirt, no seduction, no bullshit, to ask if that rash looked bad. You could open your mouth and let the truth of your predicament outweigh prudishness or shame.

You don’t know how to ask people to touch you anymore.

It leans in close. “You need me,” it says. Oil bubbles over its lips and slicks its chin. “I was always your excuse.”

That weekend you watch your phone sit silent on the table, no pings from forum posts or medication reminders. Your Sick drifts over. It’s no longer a rotting corpse leaking garbage. It looks dead in the way you used to whenever you looked in the mirror.

Wherever it is in the real world, it doesn’t look like that anymore. From what you remember from the booklets they gave you, it’s already gone.

“Not going to explain yourself, huh?” asks your hallucination. Your haunting.

You shrug. What would you say to her? I took away the foundation of my life and don’t know what’s underneath. You only started being my friend when I needed help, so what’s left for us? There was always another medication or appointment or symptom but now everything’s fine and I’m still holding my breath.

You’ve gotten used to letting someone else talk for you.

“I was killing you,” it says.

That’s what you said. You look at the lines around its eyes and imagine a billion tiny swords raised against invaders that poured in every time you took a breath to light your joints up with friendly fire. “You were protecting me.”

“I was the worst part of you.”

“You were.” You flex your perfect, painless fingers. “Do I miss it?”

It grins and leans against the back of your chair, wrapping chilly arms around your waist. “I just wanted to make you say it.”

The grip around your belly aches in a way you recognize. Dull pain that makes its home in you. Cozy as curling up in bed with a headache. You look back at your silent phone. “Which one of us did she come here for?”

“Only one way to find out.”

You could reach out, but you don’t move. You have never known how to ask for help.

Your Sick sighs. It loosens its grip and reaches over your shoulder to lace corpse-cool fingers between yours. Then it lifts your combined hands in a swoop like the first dose of anesthesia, when the orderlies wheel you away and everything is out of your control. “Come on,” she says. Her breath is a puff of disinfectant on your cheek. “Let’s do it like we used to.”

After you came out of the anesthesia, the surgeons asked if you wanted to see your old body. You said no. You’d spent long enough inside it – it was something you wanted to leave behind. Besides, even after all the pamphlets and counseling sessions, you worried seeing your vacant face would jar something loose. Convince you like those cranks on the disability forums that you’d severed a connection that was irrevocable.  

If you could do it again, you’d say yes. Step inside the morgue – no, they wouldn’t have moved it to the morgue yet, they’d want you to have a better venue to say goodbye – and catalogue the subtle changes only you could see. The swollen knuckles, flushed cheeks. All the other differences locked inside.

You imagine bending down and lifting the body the way it lifted you once, cradling its head in the crook of your arm. Imagine kissing your Sick and feeling poisonous tendrils creep down your throat to coat your insides with grime.

You imagine saying, welcome home.

(Author's note)

#kat writes

[exouniverse]

Dance With Me

Pairing: Lay x gn reader

Genre: fluff, birthday fic

Warnings: none

Summary: Yixing thought he would not see you the day of his birthday due to an already scheduled concert that day, but you had already planned a meticulous surprise to dance with him at this concert and celebrate his birthday.

Word count: 1.3K+

A/N: Here we go with another birthday fic. I really hope you like it. Happy birthday Yixing!

MASTERLIST | MOODBOARD

“I miss you.”

Your reaction was immediate; you bit your lip before you could tell him about everything you had planned. You had never been that extra for anybody; it had taken a lot of energy to even talk to so many people. He just couldn’t know that you were closer to him than he thought, not yet.

The hours were running so slowly that it was feeling almost urgent to let him know, but you had to be more patient. You contained your excitement and let the words out, “I miss you too!”

“Agh! I’m so dumb, I forgot to schedule a break on my birthday and now I’m about to go do the sound check without you here.”

“You are not dumb!” You protested, “a little distracted perhaps, but you were too busy and probably managing way too much at the same time—“

“Aw don’t lecture me, please,” he begged, almost too cutely to really let it go, “I know, I’m sorry, I keep trying to do everything all by myself.”

“You’re so cute, Yixing! I’m not lecturing you, you do you, as long as you’re healthy and happy.”

“I’m happy and I have you, so that’s the greatest bonus.”

“Aw stop it birthday boy, go work hard and make you and your fans happy.”

“Will do, I can’t wait to see you.”

“See you, happy birthday, sheep!”

You had held your laughter for so long, and even Yixing’s concert producer next to you joined in the laughter after the call. You really went all out with this surprise. Yixing had sent you so many videos of his new song’s choreography. The music video had just been released about a month ago before the small tour had started, but you knew every step even before it came out. You watched the release of the MV with him and he had made a comment that sparked an idea in your mind: “I love this choreo so much, I wish I could’ve danced it with you.”

You’re no dancer; he knows that, but he has said that he wants to dance with you the choreographies of his songs so many times that you have lost count. You’ve danced together, of course, but at some parties you’ve gone to and in the comfort of your home, just being silly. However, this is something bigger and completely different from random dancing, people are going to see you dance under the spotlight. This is definitely something you just do for love.

“How is he so easy to surprise?” The producer asked.

“Don’t ask me. And I’m really not good at acting so…”

“Well, this will be smooth landing. Let’s get you ready.”

The entire crew that was assigned to you followed both you and the producer to the practice room that was available near the venue for you to do the last rehearsal. Yixing had a whole community of dancers, but not all of them were dancing the same songs or the same parts. You didn’t need many anyways. Four dancers, a makeup artist, two people from the lights and sound crew, and an assistant producer were what they assigned you. Luckily, you had planned to only dance to the bridge and the dance break of his new song, so the last rehearsal only took about forty minutes, and the dancers and the lights and sound crew managed to leave on time for the sound check. Next, it was time for you to get clean and ready so after showering, the makeup artist did your hair and makeup and helped you with your clothes.

The assistant producer was fast; she got you to the venue in no time. The concert had already begun as planned. Yixing wasn’t supposed to see you around, so you had to be there after the opening act’s last song. You did have to manage not to be caught when Yixing came backstage to change his clothes so you remained in the green room during those couple of moments.

Myeon: Y/N Y/N when r u coming on stage?

You: just 2 more songs! Keep your cam ready 🙈

Myeon: oooooh we’re all excited! are you nervous?

You: oh hell yeah 🫠

Junmyeon sent you an audio message. It took you at least a couple of times to listen clearly because of the music and fans singing in the background, but you managed to hear Baekhyun, Sehun, Minseok, and Junmyeon encouraging you and cheering for you. The laugh that they brought out of you relaxed you enough to take a deep breath and head backstage to the little elevator at the center of the stage.

The last song before your surprise began, nerves fluttered in your stomach. The four dancers you had practiced with joined you backstage to prepare for the next song. They swiftly changed into their outfits, matching your own and Yixing’s, ready to blend in on stage. Sooner than you could realize, the dancers signalled you it was time. You inhaled deeply, trying to steady your breathing, and followed them to the elevator. Suddenly, the melodies became even more familiar than before, each note and bass drum beat ingrained within you. The small elevator began lifting you up in perfect sync with the music. Your first step faltered momentarily under the lights, but the dancers skillfully guided you into position, ensuring a smooth transition.

As planned, the choreography brought you closer to Yixing for the bridge, and with an intended pirouette you managed to face him. He froze in his tracks, a mix of confusion and surprise gradually transforming into a radiant smile. For a moment, it was just the two of you, lost in each other’s gaze. His body kept moving through muscle memory alone, but his eyes remained fixed on you in disbelief, as if he had been daydreaming about you dancing beside him.

The dance break was originally supposed to be a way for him to go change outfits one last time for the last songs of the concert—including the encore—but tonight, the crowd roared in surprise as cake and flowers were brought up on stage. He took the flowers from one of the dancers and looked at the audience, but as you grabbed the cake from the assistant producer, you started singing “Happy Birthday” and his bewilderedness was now directed at you again.

“Look at the camera for me,” you signed to the audience where the guys were filming all of his birthday surprise. He was even more excited to see his buddies, yet even more confused at what was happening, but he still waved at the camera that Junmyeon was holding.

“Happy birthday, Yixing! I couldn’t wait to see you, so I just took the first flight and managed to enter from backstage,” you joked.

“Really? How… when did you…?” He asked, which made all of the people aware of the surprise laugh.

“No, baby, I had it all planned,” you sweetly smiled at him and you heard the roaring crowd cheer, “thanks everyone for allowing us to celebrate Yixing today. I’ll let you enjoy the rest of the night.”

“No, wait a second,” he held your forearm, stopping you, which almost made you drop the cake. One of the dancers took the cake as Yixing grabbed your hand. Yixing beamed at you and pulled you close, “dance with me again?”

You positively nodded and the lights turned back to the set for the bridge and dance break once more. Yixing smiled at you and took his place next to you. As you started the choreography, the crowd cheered and your friends continued to film just the two of you dancing up on stage. Yixing couldn’t be more happy to see you move to the beat of his song, with the moves he choreographed and had been so excited to someday dance along with you.

#happy birthday lay #happy birthday Yixing #exo #exo lay #lay yixing #yixing x reader #zhang yixing #exouniverse #birthday fic

[leiasources]

𝑺𝑾𝑬𝑬𝑻  𝑯𝑶𝑴𝑬  𝑨𝑳𝑨𝑩𝑨𝑴𝑨  𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄  𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒.    a  compilation  of  sentence  starters  from  and  inspired  by  the  film  sweet  home  alabama.  potentially  triggering  themes  present.  feel  free  to  adjust  as  necessary  but  do  not  add  to  the  list.  thank  you!

‘ your dream for me was to get out of this place and be somebody... ’

‘ how come it has to be so complicated? the truth, life... this. ’

‘ i mean, who hasn't been embarrassed by their parents at one point or another? ’

‘ are you sure? are you really sure 'cause if you're not sure, we could just go back to the car. ’

‘ well, aren't you just a big, fat liar... ’

‘ what makes you think that you can treat them like something you stepped in in those fancy shoes? ’

‘ oh, what do you want, {name}? i don't even think you know. ’

‘ i'd forgotten how beautiful this place was. ’

‘ you're right. i have changed, i don't even know that person anymore. ’

‘ this certainly is a surprise, hearing from you, you know... you being a busy girl and all. ’

‘ i remember standing there, thinking, 'oh, preacher, hurry up before he changes his mind.' ’

‘ sometimes that man makes me so mad, i could just wring his neck. ’

‘ in my entire life, i have never met anyone so manipulative, so deceitful... ’

‘ oh, come on, it's not like anybody can keep a secret around here... ’

‘ nothing is going to come between me and my protege. ’

‘ no one is going to change my mind about this. not you, not the media, not anyone. ’

‘ that's all that matters to you, isn't it? the money, the labels... you're pathetic. ’

‘ just tell me what i can do to make you happy. ’

‘ i met somebody.. and they're quite a catch... ’

‘ i, um... actually, i was thinking maybe we could have the wedding here, in my hometown.. ’

‘ well, look what the cat dragged in... ’

‘ so, what put you in jail this time? ’

‘ i'm just saying, i saw the way you two were looking at each other. ’

‘ those people are the only family you got. get your butt back in that car, drive over and see them, and then maybe we'll talk. ’

‘ the girl i knew used to be fearless. ’

‘ have you thought about children? ’

‘ you know what? i think you're right. i have had enough. ’

‘ you know i hate surprises. what's going on? ’

‘ you're shitting me, right? ’

‘ will you marry me? ’

‘ you show up here, after years without so much as a 'hey there, {name}, remember me? your wife?' or a, 'hi, honey, lookin' good. how's the family?' ’

‘ it must be exhausting, living a lie... ’

‘ hi, honey! looking good. how's the family? ’

‘ guess we all have our little secrets, don't we? ’

‘ now, {name}, you can't just go breaking into peoples houses. ’

‘ what's going on? where are we? ’

‘ look at you, all fancy, you look like you just stepped out of a magazine. ’

‘ i thought that baby would be an adventure... and it took me a while to realize that would have been your only adventure. ’

‘ please tell me he has a flaw somewhere. ’

‘ it's funny how things don't work out. ’

‘ hot damn, do we miss you around here. ’

‘ nobody finds their soulmate when they're {number} years old. ’

‘ how about another round of drinks for my friends here? ’

‘ oh, i missed you alright, but at this range my aim is bound to improve. ’

‘ i can't believe you're still wearing that same stupid hat. ’

‘ i never meant to hurt you, or anybody else for that matter. ’

‘ if you think i'm going to let some girl talk you into getting married... ’

‘ would you mind terribly if we kept this to ourselves for a few days? ’

‘ i've dealt with an awful lot from you over the years. ’

‘ i thought you said you took care of this. ’

‘ she's not 'some girl', she's my fiancee. ’

‘ you and i are different. we're not better, we're not worse, we're just different. ’

‘ you and i are in love with entirely different people. ’

‘ you show up here and then you insult my friends, acting like you're better than them? ’

‘ what i need to know is if there is a place for me in your future. ’

‘ i was hoping to get an interview with you and your family, and maybe a few pictures, if you don't mind? ’

‘ oh, like you're going places... ’

‘ what are you doing with all that cash? why don't you invest it? ’

‘ when was the last time you pushed me around the dance floor? ’

‘ i think i had enough fun for one night. ’

‘ get out of here before you make me cry. ’

‘ don't get me started on the things that i don't understand. ’

‘ you can't believe everything you hear on tv. ’

‘ you owe me a dance. ’

‘ i'm happy in {location} but then i come down here and this fits too. ’

‘ oh, sweetie, you look tired. are you tired? ’

‘ i mean, how do you people live like this anyway? ’

‘ hold on, what are you doing with all that cash saved up? ’

‘ you are just like your father. ’

‘ no, not 'like old times', alright? times have changed. ’

‘ why didn't you tell me you came to {location}? ’

‘ all of a sudden i just... i needed a different life. ’

‘ this is one of those disasters waiting to happen. you know, one of those big ones that only cockroaches survive. ’

‘ look at you, always the belle of the ball. ’

‘ i didn't break in. i used a key, my key. ’

‘ did you know that there's a great, big world out there and it has absolutely nothing to do with marriage, or children, or... ’

‘ you ever wonder what would have happened if we hadn't gotten pregnant? ’

‘ i'll see you at the show. it's going to be great. ’

‘ he can give you a life that you and i only ever dreamed of and he adores you. ’

‘ there is a wedding in your future whether you like it or not. ’

‘ god, i can't wait to see the look on my mother's face... ’

‘ i hesitated long enough to realize that my head and my heart were saying two different things. ’

‘ look at you... you have a baby. in a bar. ’

‘ we were wondering when we were going to see you. ’

‘ you're doing the right thing. ’

‘ you shouldn't want to marry me. ’

‘ i love you, i love you, i love you... ’

‘ you're not doing anything illegal, are you, {name}? ’

‘ i don't know what else to say... but i'm sorry... ’

‘ oh god, what if they hate me? ’

‘ when everything went pear-shaped, you never left my side, and then i just left you. ’

‘ hell, i bet your folks don't even know you're in town. ’

‘ there's nothing i can do, the law is the law, and she has done nothing wrong. ’

‘ you are one hard woman to get in touch with. ’

‘ oh my god, you're engaged?! ’

‘ is that what you want? to be humiliated in front of all of your friends? ’

‘ i can't marry you. ’

‘ at least i'm doing something with my life. ’

‘ this is just as you described it. it must have been amazing, huh? growing up here? ’

‘ {name}? is that you? it's so late, are you alright? ’

‘ you can't just leave. ’

‘ holy shit, what happened to the stove? oh, and where are the magnets i had on the refrigerator? ’

‘ you know nothing about her. are you sure you even know who she is? ’

‘ one man for the rest of my life? i'd ball my eyes out. ’

‘ what the hell are you two trying to do? get yourselves killed? ’

‘ that accent of yours is a whole lot thicker when you're sleeping. ’

‘ i came out here to say thank you. ’

‘ what you are doing? ’  /  ‘ leaving. you've done it, you should recognize the gesture. ’

‘ you didn't need to call, just come by. ’

‘ why do i feel like i'm in the middle of times square buck naked? ’

‘ why would you want to marry me for anyhow? ’

‘ i thought you would be gone. ’

‘ i got to get home. my mom's going to kill me. ’

‘ i really don't care what happened... so you have a past. who doesn't? ’

‘ for somebody who's been holding onto something so hard, you're pretty quick to let it go. ’

‘ are you in town for awhile? ’

‘ i better back off. don't want to get you in trouble with the little lady. ’

‘ it's not like that. ’

‘ i, um... i tried to call you a couple of times... ’

‘ don't i get a smile? i know you got one in there somewhere. ’

‘ see, the truth is i gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and i never really got it back. ’

‘ i don't know who you are or what else you lied about... ’

‘ you don't remember me, do you? ’

‘ i guess i figured if i was pointing at you then nobody would see through me. ’

‘ what upsets me is that she lied to you. ’

‘ you've done real well for yourself. i'm proud of you, {name}. ’

‘ who could be calling at this hour? ’

‘ i would have come sooner if i'd known you were sick. ’

‘ i'm your friend and i have to read about it with twelve million other people! ’

‘ you two got a whole lot of catching up to do so i'm just going to leave you to it.’

‘ i just thought i'd surprise you.’

‘ this isn't who i am anymore. ’

‘ could we try to keep this as civilized as possible? ’

‘ nice to see you got your accent back. ’

‘ you're the first person i ever kissed, {name}, and i want you to be the last. ’

‘ maybe you and i had our chance. ’

‘ you can take the girl out of the honky-tonk but you can't take the honky-tonk out of the girl. ’

‘ i'll tell you what it's not like... it's not like they're the only one around here that you ran out on. ’

‘ at least i fight for what i want. ’

‘ you called the sherrif? you know that old bastard hates me! ’

‘ bring that pretty face over here and gimme a hug. ’

‘ i bet you sat there wondering what you did wrong. ’

‘ you looked like you were having fun out there tonight. ’

‘ you remember that vandalism incident out at the stockyard? totally her. ’

‘ did you cry? ’

‘ next time you lock somebody out, make sure they don't know where the spare key is hidden. ’

‘ don't even pretend you spent all this time missing me. ’

‘ what did i ever do to you? ’

‘ i've been planning this for weeks... ’

‘ at the risk of being rejected twice, i'm going to ask you again... will you marry me? ’

‘ you expect me to tell you you look good? what, did they run out of soap down at the piggly wiggly since i left? ’

‘ see, that's the thing. i'm not really a 'watch and see' kind of girl. ’

‘ 'no,' you won't answer or 'no,' you won't marry me? ’

‘ you know, i've really made something of myself, i have a career, people actually want to be me... and somebody loves me and i love them. ’

‘ i just think that you deserve better. that's all. ’

‘ you know, i've never actually understood that expression, but no i'm not 'shitting' you. ’

‘ i don't have a single childhood memory that doesn't have you in it. ’

‘ don't see the likes of you around these here parts much. ’

‘ so, have you made a decision? ’

‘ you get a second chance so please don't mess it up. ’

‘ i haven't seen my folks in years and i feel like this is something i should tell them in person. ’

‘ i don't ask you about your boyfriend. you keep your nose out of my life. deal? ’

‘ i am better than them! ’

‘ i'm sorry about what i said. i'm really sorry. ’

‘ since when does it have to be one or the other? you can have roots and wings. ’

‘ you don't want to marry me. ’

#roleplay prompts #roleplay sentence starters #sweet home alabama #sweet home alabama sentence starters #mine: inbox prompt

[banannabethchase]

Don't look at me I have no idea what this is I just hope you enjoy it

~

Cherry Garcia (also on AO3)

Pairings: Matt/Danny, Matt/Hangman

Rating: T (relationship hall passes, mild innuendo, smooching)

@wrestleprompts

~

It’s surprising, is what it is, Matt decides.

“It was you the whole time.” Even to his own ears, his voice sounds betrayed, heartbroken. Almost defeated.

Danny Garcia freezes, spoon halfway through his mouth, the pint of nondairy Cherry Garcia in his hand. Matt’s pint of nondairy Cherry Garcia.

“You’re the ice cream thief.” Matt should have known, is the thing. He should have figured it out sooner. Of course it’s this petulant, overtalented kid. Of course it’s one of Jericho’s crew.

Of course it’s somebody Matt’s had a half crush on for longer than he’d care to admit.

Danny makes eye contact with Matt as he puts the spoonful of ice cream in his mouth, tongue curling around the metal. The way he sucks on the spoon, pulls it out and gives it a few good licks can’t be unintentional. “What are you gonna do about it?” Danny asks, and there’s that stupid smile, a cocky grin borne of being the best at something before your frontal lobe is developed, and Matt is only a man.

He walks up to Danny and steals the spoon and the ice cream from Danny’s hands, takes a step back and glares. “You steal my ice cream again, I’m gonna kick your ass.”

“Promise?” Danny’s stupid little smirk’s gone a little dirty.

Matt just blinks. It hadn’t occurred to him until this very event that the crush could ever be reciprocated. He doesn’t even know how to respond.

“Come on, I bait you for weeks, and all I get is this?” He steps into Matt’s space, looking at Matt with soft eyes. “Not even a kiss?”

Matt huffs, blowing hair out of his eyes. “God, you’re annoying.” He sets the spoon and the ice cream down on the table, grabs Danny by the collar of his stupid polo shirt, and hauls him in for a kiss. Danny’s demanding as he kisses, tongue pressing into Matt’s mouth without a second’s hesitation, and Matt gets a little weak in the knees with it. Danny grabs at Matt’s hair, plays with it a little bit.

When he pulls away, Matt just stares at him. “Oh.”

Danny smiles, something soft and unbearably sweet. “Um. I’ll let you go – go back to your ice cream.”

Matt nods, feeling warm and cozy and strangely calm. And then he remembers Adam, and the hall pass deal they made: anybody on the hall pass list for either of them was fair game, as long as they told each other everything about it after.

He makes his way to the locker room, a little fidgety. When he peeks in, Adam’s getting dressed, and he’s alone. Matt figures lingering, watching a little, couldn’t hurt.

“Hey, Matty,” Adam says, lighting up. “You look,” he studies Matt’s face for a second, “pink.”

Matt makes his way into the locker room. Actually talking about it, saying it, makes him feel a little hot in a strange sort of way. “I gotta tell you something.”

“What’s up, baby?” He turns around, finishes pulling on his shirt, and Matt is truly upset about it for a second.

“I kissed Danny Garcia,” Matt says, feeling his face burn red.

Adam raises an eyebrow as he settles onto a bench. Matt can see the smile trying to escape from the corner of his lips. “Did you, now?”

“Shut up,” Matt says, sitting in his lap and burying his head into Adam’s shoulder. “Shut up.”

“When you asked for a hall pass, I didn’t expect it to happen so soon,” Adam says, pressing his lips to Matt’s hair. “Care to explain how this happened?”

Matt recounts the whole thing, speaking into the collar of Adam’s shirt. When he’s done, Adam is shaking. “Are you – are you laughing?!”

“I’m sorry,” Adam says, his eyes crinkling in that pretty way that makes them sparkle, “I just – now you kinda see what it’s like for us to deal with you, ya know?”

“I am not that annoying,” Matt says. And he isn’t pouting. He isn’t.

“Aw, baby, you are,” Adam says, “but that’s why I love you.” He leans in and presses a kiss to Matt’s nose.

“Love you too,” Matt grumbles, but he leans in to kiss Adam anyway.

“Was it fun?” Adam asks, nuzzling at Matt’s cheek.

Matt leans into it. “Yeah. I just can’t believe he’s been the one stealing my ice cream the whole time.”

“Aw,” Adam says, laughing again, “come on, he was just trying to pull your pigtails.”

“He could just pull my hair like a regular person,” Matt says. Adam blinks. “Okay, not what I meant. But, yeah, like.” He shrugs. “That too.”

Matt leans in for another kiss, and he’s really getting into it when Adam pulls away.

“Wait a second,” Adam says, and Matt’s worried this is it, that Adam just realized he wasn’t cool about the hall pass thing actually taking place. Matt should have made his third hall pass Roman Reigns like he’d thought about because it’d never really happen, “did you forget to put the ice cream in the freezer?”

“Crap!”

Matt runs back to the kitchen, and hears Adam’s laughter follow him as he goes.

~

Hall pass in this context: A clause in an established relationship where there is a person or people that both parties decide that one or both people in the relationship can hook up with.

Mini playlist (it's very mini this time I am Sleepy) Ice Cream - Blackpink and Selena Gomez

#MattDanny #HangMatt #DON'T LOOK AT ME THIS IS ALL ON SARAH #Yeah yeah that's it shirk responsibility Sara that's how ya do it #in which Sara writes #wrestleprompts #wtf i like wrestling now??? #aew fic #chekov's ice cream

[sl-newsie]

Chapter Nineteen: A Way Out (Spot Colon x Female Newsie)

(Warning: talk of suicide)

That even’n we have soup for dinner. We eat at a fancy table, wear’n fancy clothes, speak’n fancy terms. And this is gonna be tha rest of my life…

“So, Becca, is it? We really should think about finding you a more… suitable name,” Pulitzer suggests.

“How ‘bout ‘Harlot?’” I hear tha Delancies joke oudda Pulitzer’s hear’n range, but not from mine.

“Excuse me,” I say stiffly and hastily get up from my seat. I’ve had enough. I strut oudda tha room, glare’n a deadly stare until I slam my bedroom door shut, then my knees crumble and I lean against it. More tears. 

“I've seen dark before,

But not like this.

This is cold.

This is empty.

This is numb….

What’s tha next right thing?”

This is gonna be tha rest of my life… Tha pain, tha torment, tha name-call’n… That look from Spot. I’ve got no one left… Without tha newsies, I’ve got no one...

I lift my head. I know what I’m gonna do.

If anybody would’ve asked me last week if I’d ever kill myself, I’dve said they were crazy. But I can’t, I won’t, go through with this as my life.

I stand up and go ova to tha desk. Afta search’n for paper and fish’ out a pen, I properly, evenly write in tha script my fadda taught me so many years ago:

Dear Jack,

If there’s any part of you left, you know I will never go through with this, because I will never be happy in this life. If you ever have the decency to speak to the newsies again, tell them I’m sorry for the way I acted today. And if you ever find yourself again, leave this place. Whether it’s with the newsies or in Santa Fe, anywhere is better than being trapped in this fancy world.

I’ve loved being your sister, even if I never truly was. I hope someday you can forgive me for doing this.

Love,

Rebecca

I think for a second, then add:

P.S.

If you ever see Spot again, tell him to forget me. He’s earned the right to find a girl who isn’t as confusing. He doesn’t deserve to suffer because of me anymore, and should be happy with someone new.

Also, if you see my father again, give him a good soak’n, will ya?

Goodbye,

Rebecca

I fold tha note evenly and place it on tha dresser. Goodbye, Jack.

I walk ova and push open tha balcony doors, let’n tha moonlight and cool air blow in. Look’n down, rose bushes cover tha ground- maybe luck is on my side and my dress gets ruined when I fall. One more punch in tha fancy woild’s face.

Plummet’n off a balcony is a bit dramatic for my taste, but it’ll leave a reminds to Pulitzer: I’ll neva give in to him. If I’ve got no family, no friends, nobody… 

I step up ta tha edge, tak’n a last deep breathe of cool air. Goodbye Spot.

I close my eyes.

I lean forward, my arms spread, let’n gravity do tha rest-

“Umph!” I cry out in surprise. Something suddenly leaps up in front of me and pushes me back. My balance off-kilter, I grab onto tha thing in hopes it’ll steady me, but instead it just falls on top of me like a dead weight. I fall onto my back, and my head feels a bit sore. Luckily tha hair took some of tha fall.

“Ow,” I groan, feel’n my head. Tha something, I realize, is actually a someone. I just can’t see-

My eyes freeze.

“S-Spot?”

“Hiya, Beauty,” he mumbles into tha folds of my blouse. He looks up with a smile.

One I graciously return.

“Spot! You’re here?”

“Yeah, to see you.”

“Aw- um, could ya get off me please?” I gasp. He lifts his torso a bit to let me breathe, but don’t get up.

“Can’t we’s just stay like this?” he asks playfully, rest’n his head on my chest. I’m so flustered I forget to blush. 

“No, we can’t. Now help me up!” I giggle. He does, reluctantly, and we both sit up. We’re quiet fer a second, but I can’t contain my happiness. I throw my arms up and hug Spot tightly. And I notice it don’t take long for him to hug me back.

“You’re alive!” I cry happily into his chest.

“‘Course I’s is. You think a simple scratch can kill tha King of Brooklyn?”  

“What are ya do’n here?” I ask.

His eyes light up. “Ah! So you’s can speak normally!”

I groan. “At least you encourage it! With Jack it’s like cuss’n!”

“I’s thought so. You didn’t seem too happy today.” He tenses, obviously in pain. His cut.

“It hurts, don’t it?” I ask, noivous and ashamed.

“Only a little.”

I frown. “May… may I see it?”

Spot, unreluctantly, lifts his shoit up, expos’n a wide, patched-up wound on his side. I wince just look’n at it. “Can I…?” I lift my hand near it, curious.

“You’s never need ask permission to touch me, Beauty.” Spot smirks, but still winces a bit when I gently place my hand on his side. It’s deep- I can tell. And very painful. And it’s all my fault... 

Spot frowns, then slowly picks up my left hand. “Beauty, what is this?”

I hesitate. “That,” I pause. “-is tha curse I’s been forced to bear.”

“What happened?”

“When Benny dragged me here, Pulitzer said they’s gonna turn me into a ‘proper young lady’, and then he-” I stop again. “-then he brought up tha idea of… m-marriage.” I spit, as if tha word is a swear.

“Ya neva said ‘yes’?”

I shake my head. “No. I’d never-”

“Beauty, why were ya lean’n ova tha rail’n?” Spot asks darkly.

I don’t answer right away.

“Um… try’n to escape?” I say unsurly, know’n I can’t lie to him.

“By fall’n off a balcony?! Why would you do that?” Spot grips my shoulders.

“Because I don’t have nobody!” I explode. “Jack ain’t himself, and I ain’t allowed to see tha newsies again! And I’m engaged to Oscar Delancy, which is gonna make my life a live’n Hell!”

“But that don’t mean you’s should bring harm to yourself-!”

“I brought harm to you! If I’dve just gone with Benny-”

“I never wouldn’t ‘ve let that happen-”

“But you’s got stabbed! I thought you’s was dead! And…” I sniff, nearly cry’n. “And then you weren’t, and… I thought you wouldn’t want to see me again.”

Spot’s mouth drops. “What would I ever think that?”

“‘Cause of tha way I was today, all rich-like and snippy! And if that’s what I’m supposed to be to please everyone… I can’t live with it-”

Spot grips me tighta and looks right into me. 

“You can’t die! Ya just can’t! ‘Cause if you die, I just might be right behind you! Damn it, Rebecca! I can’t lose you too!” He lets me go and holds his face in his hands, then moans: “Beauty, I knew that wasn’t you today. I know you’d never want that life, but you shouldn’t kill yourself. Please! You-” he hesitates. “You’s tha only one I got left to love.”

W-What? I can’t speak. “Ya- ya like me?”

Spot looks away, but then says: “Ever since you’s foist ran into me. And it was confirmed tha foist time I hoid ya sing. I didn’t know what it was at foist, but when I did know I didn’t know how to say it. I’s supposed to be only fer Brooklyn, but I surch as Hell fell hard for tha goil from ‘Hattan with tha voice of an angel.”

I blink, unsure of what to say. “Well, then I guess I’s a sucker, ‘cause I fell for tha King of Brooklyn.”

He quickly looks up. “Ya feel tha same?”

My smile is my answer.

All so fast, Spot Colon leans forward and pushes his lips onto mine. Someth’n I was not expect’n. My foist kiss. It’s… wonderful. One might say it’s complicated, but I love it. Every emotion is dialed, and it’s all because of Spot. He don’t force me into anyth’n, and with my own free will I gladly kiss him back- which just makes him deepen tha kiss even more.

My eyes close, savor’n every millisecond. Is this what love feels like?

Spot’s POV

I died. It feels like I died. Tha kiss is one of tha best I’ve ever had. Rebecca might not be experienced, but she feels as if she’s kissed a thousand times, a kind of measure that I like. Soft and shy, yet at tha same time fierce and desperate. I thank God a hundred times that I’s found a goil who luvs me back, for who I am and not for somethin’ they want oudda me. But I don’t wanna come out as some luv-crazed sucka, so I slowly move my head away from Becs, all tha while try’n to fight tha urge to kiss her again.

Rebecca’s POV

All too soon I feel Spot’s face slip away, and I open my eyes again to see him stare’n at me expectantly.

“Ya can’t blame me- I almost died,” Spot half-jokes.

“Um…” I can’t find words…

“Rebecca, if I-” Spot asks nervously.

“No, no! You’s fine!” I assure him. “It’s just… whoa. I’s… I’s just neva been good at say’n someth’n...”

“Ya don’t have ta say anyth’n.”

“That was…”

“Enjoyable? Awful? Weird?” Spot anxiously guesses.

I laugh. “No! It was… enchant’n.”

Spot immediately looks relieved. 

 “Really, I’d ‘ve thought you’s be used to kiss’n.”

“I’s ain’t one of those guys. I’s only kissed three goils-” Spot stops. “Sorry, that’s probably what ya don’t wanna hear.”

“Believe me, I ain’t that jealous type. But try anyth’n behind my back and I’ll break yours!”

Spot smiles at this. “Ya really ain’t neva been kissed?”

I smirk. “It was either Sarah, or Les. Sarah probably told Les, who told it to you. Right?”

“I give up- I can’t hide anyth’n from ya!”

 I frown. “But really- you like me? Me, tha one who dresses like a guy, sings for money, and would soak a guy rather than wear face paint? Are ya sure you ain’t just look’n for an excuse to kiss someone?”

Spot looks surprised at this.

“No! Why would I do that? You’s all I need, and ya neva have to change. Don’t ever change, Beauty,” Spot leans in and kisses my forehead. I lean on his shoulder, and his arm wraps around me. This makes me cringe a bit, which he notices.

“You’s ok?”

“Yeah, I’m just not used to this stuff. I’ve always had to be tough, but now… I’m not sure what to do.”

“Sing.”

I laugh. “Sing’n ain’t always tha answa.”

“Please sing,” Spot asks again. His eyes look as if my sing’n is tha only thing keep’n him alive.

“Ya really do like my sing’n?”

“Why would I not?”

I sigh, and sing in a low voice:

(I’ve Never Been In Love Before from Guys and Dolls)

“I've never been in love before

Now all at once it's you,

It's you forever more.”

Spot seems to relax, and leans his head against tha balcony edge. Unexpectedly, he sings back:

“I've never been in love before.

I thought my heart was safe,

I thought I knew the score.

So please forgive this helpless haze I'm in,

I've really never been

In love before.”

I echo him:

“I've never been in love before.

Now all at once it's you,

It's you forever more.

I've never been in love before.

I thought my heart was safe,

I thought I knew the score.

So please forgive this helpless haze I'm in,

I've really never been

In love before.”

By now it’s really late, but I don’t care. I wish tonight could last fforever- but noth’n ever does.

“Spot, ya need to leave. If they’s find you here-”

“You’s come’n with me.”

“What?”

“I came here to get you’s oudda here. Now put this on.” Spot reaches into a newsie bag he brought and takes out some genuine newsie clothes, include’n boots, cap, and suspenders.

My face lights up and I take them gratefully. “You’re a lifesaver!” 

“Tell me someth’n I’s don’t know,” Spot murmurs into my ear. “You’s in there somewhere under that makeup. And as much as I enjoy’n see’n you’s all dressed up, that getup ain’t gonna get ya far. Now hurry up!”

I scurry to tha washroom and shut tha door. With great delight, I shred tha cumbersome dress and tear apart my updo, let’n my hair fly free. Brown knickers, black boots, blue shirt, black suspenders, and grey cap. At foist sight, one might say I’s look like a floater, but when I see tha mirror I feel like a queen. Afta tuck’n my hair in tha cap, I hurry back out and find Spot stare’n at me with his arms crossed.

“How could you’s ever think I would find anodda goil?” he asks plainly.

I open my mouth, then close it. Then hang my head. “Ya saw tha note?” I ask uncomfortably.

Spot’s silence is my answer. Before I can say anyth’n, he strides forward, pushes me against tha wall, and peppers kisses down my neck, leave’n my mouth to cry out in surprise. He moves fast, sometimes bite’n my skin gently. I don’t know what to do- so I just close my eyes and enjoy it.

“Beauty, I’s could search tha whole country, or wait a hundred years, and could never find a goil who compares to you,” he murmurs.

When I find my voice, I respond: “Spot, ya can’t base your life on me. Or anyone for that madder. It took a while for me to learn that, but it’s genuine advice I’s can offa. So if I was ever gone-”

Spot silences me by kiss’n me on tha lips, anodda pleasure I have to ignore as I try to speak. “Spot-”

“You’s ain’t gone, you’s ain’t dead-” he says madder-of-factly.

“No, I ain’t,” I try to make out. “But I mean if I’s ever was. Ya godda promise me Spot-” I find strength in my hands and grasp Spot’s face. His blue eyes stare’n fiercely at mine, I don’t back down. “Ya godda promise me, that if someth’n ever happens to me, that you’s never take it too hard. You deserve happiness, even if it doesn’t come from me,” I say in a halfway-normal accent as to make my point extra sincere. I don’t let go until Spot nods.

“I will. I will. But don’t go think’n like that- noth’n’s gonna happen to ya.”

“I plan on it. But I’s don’t want ya to be sad.” I smile now. “Don’t worry, I won’t talk about this anymore. I’s had enough sad stuff to last me a while. So-” I look down and grip my left hand, tha one with tha ring. “All that’s left is for us to leave. Do ya think you’s could help me get this off?”

Spot holds up my hand, then he smiles. “Beauty, it would be my genuine pleasure.” He hold my hand softly, but then very sturdily rips tha cold metal band off and tosses it out tha window.

#Newsies #newsies musical #newsies broadway #newsies 1992 #newsies x reader #spot colon x reader #spot conlon #specs newsies #racetrack higgins #racetrack newsies #Jack Kelly #david jacobs #Les Jacobs #sarah jacobs #crutchy newsies #crutchie morris #mush meyers #kid blink #skittery newsies #boots newsies #guys and dolls

[mighty-poop]

Going through the 5 stages of grief in a matter of 2 days: a ramble of epic depressive proportions 

So my cat is.. dying.

My kitty cat is 16 years old since this summer, she’s been my bestest, longest lasting friend since I was 10 years old. Cats are better than humans: they’re very clear about their boundaries and love you unconditionally. They don’t care about your gender, your weird hobbies or the fact that you’re not good at social interactions. No, I will not take criticism.

my cat, like most cats, is the best cat in the world. She cuddles me when I’m sad, she follows me to the bathroom and watches me do my business, and then expects me to follow her to her litter box. It’s the best kind of friendship. She gets up in my face and purrs, loud. She likes sitting with me more than anybody else and yes, that makes me feel superior, thank you. Again, i will not take criticism, fuck off, dad.

she’s a lil’ old lady and has been surprisingly healthy and spry for her age. She still caught me birds now and then and left them on my windowsill proudly. I love her. So fucking much. I love her with my entire being. But at her age, the inevitable of course was imminent.

a few months ago, she had her first stroke. I had had an awful day when i got home, and I immediately noticed something was wrong. Usually when i arrive home by car, she’ll be waiting for me outside and come running towards me, meowing to open the door so she can get to her food. She recognised the car i drove, she recognised me. I love her. But this time, she came over very slowly and with measured steps, her hind legs seemed to not be following the way they should. So i get her inside and i call an emergency vet because it’s a saturday evening. She walks around as of drunk and her eyes can’t focus. By the time we get to the vet with her, she’s almost completely back to normal, just tired. The vet does some tests but he’s fairly certain she had a stroke caused by either internal bleeding or an attack. At her age, that’s not abnormal and all her other vitals are extremely healthy for an old kitty. He tells me there’s not much they can do except expect that it will happen again (now that she’s had one, the chances of another stroke are higher), hope the damage to her brain isn’t too bad and that she’ll recover. And with that, we’re sent home.

I don’t leave her side for 3 days, I’m so scared it will immediately happen again and this time i won’t be there to help her in time. After a few weeks, i lose my paranoia and lives goes on.

2 days ago, she had another stroke. Same symptoms: walks around as if she has no sense of balance, eyes can’t focus and keep darting around, loss of appetite and refuses to drink. She’s alert, though, and cuddles me when i give her scritches, does her business when i walk her towards the kitty litter, meows when she gets touched where she doesn’t want to be touched. She’s more lacklustre, though, and i can tell she’s either tired or in pain, or both. When my family gets too loud, she hides where she can, even though she can’t jump and it’s not safe for her to go up and down the stairs.

mom and I are gonna take her to the vet tomorrow, to see if there’s anything they can do, but I fear it’s gonna be bad news…

I’ve already been told there’s nothing that can be done against strokes and the after-effects of them so if she’s not recovering from an obvious brain injury, what can they possibly do to fix it except operate on her? Maybe if it’s a tumour, they can take it out and that way the damage can be fixed?

i dunno…

i think the vet is gonna see her symptoms, hear how old she is, and call it. Which….. hhh, is fair. And it’s all I’ve been thinking about.

because on one hand, it does feel like releasing her from suffering. She can’t walk properly, she’s tired and she can’t keep herself straight enough to eat, or drink, or walk without getting help. That’s no life for a cat who’s used to getting literally everywhere. Keeping her like this would be cruel.

on the other hand, it doesn’t at all feel like that, and more like I’m sending her to an execution. I keep thinking about having to force her in a carrier to go to the vet, having her be stressed and scared, to then hear they’re gonna put her down. It’s gonna be traumatising, both for my cat and me. The thought of having her in my arms and feeling her slip away, in a stale veterinarian room, makes me want to die. But sending her off to the vet with my mom and not being there for my cat in her final moments, also sounds awful. The fact that i know the date of my cat’s death is awful and males me wanna rip my hair out. I give her scritches and she looks up at me like I’m the safest place in the world, and she has no idea and she won’t understand what I’ll be doing to her-! I hate it, I hate this so much and I love her and I don’t want her to die. But i also don’t want her in pain. What has to be done, has to be done, but it’s going to be the worst few hours of my entire life.

words cannot possibly describe how much this cat means to me. it feels like I’m losing a limb. She’s such an intricate part of my life, of who i am. She’s been there more than my family has been, longer than my friends. She’s completely uncaring towards everything i hate about myself, and loves me because I’m warm and comfortable and know where to give her the best scritches and because she knows i love her too. How am i ever gonna refill the huge crater she’s gonna leave in me? How am i supposed to go to work the next day and perform at my best?

I hope, to whatever deity there may be out there, that the vet will know how to fix this, or will see signs that she’s recovering that i missed, and that all my worrying and my crying and my not sleeping has been for nothing. If not, let this be an ode to the best kitty in the world, who I love the most in the world.

#Pet loss #depression #Grief

[ichayalovesyou]

El Hotel De Los Secretos Ep. 12 Reaction

We now return to Julio spewing some absolutely vile but true shit about the Alarcón family at the only living member who isn’t acting freaking awful toward him. Luckily he has Andrés holding him back. Honestly neither of those boys should be going anywhere without the other, inevitably they do stupid shit or have bad things happen to them when separated, case and point? This!

Losing my mind that no matter how prickly and destructive Julio gets Andrés refuses to choose anything other than kindness, than to heal him, than to persist. “Let’s patch the wounds on your body because the wounds on your soul…” I’m gonna lose it!! Julio is throwing an absolute tantrum and all that’s doing is letting Andrés see how badly Julio needs help I can’t DO this 😭😭😭

That being said at least Andrés has the good sense to step away. Seriously tho “I bet you’re glad [Isabel and I] are more than 40 centimeters apart now!” As he pulls himself apart from Andrés is such an UGH. It could be interpreted so many goddamn ways hnnn the queer lense is strong with this one! AGH the gay it hurts!! “Let’s just go to our room, please.” Before he finally gives up and let’s Julio burn himself out? OWW! HELLO??? Is anybody else reading into this?! 👀🔥🔥🔥😫😵‍💫🏳️‍🌈

No… NO! NO!! That’s not real?!?!! That’s some actual fan fiction bullshit! What happened Andrés?? Couldn’t bear another night staring at Julio’s empty bed even though you know he’s at least physically safe and not dead in a ditch somewhere? So you went back to the kitchen, calling him an idiot and HEA in his mostly unconscious state feebly attempts to help you CARRY him back to y’all’s dorm?! Is this REAL??? Oh my god oh my GOD WHAT?! We’re just gonna cross fade to the morning somewhere else after that?! HELLO???

Ah we are back to Chef Lupe struggling to be a good single dad and trying to tell Jacinto trying to explain to his son love isn’t only suffering. Like the teen he is blames Lupe for his mom being gone (guessing she didn’t die) but Lupe still thinks highly of her so like, who knows what the deal is with Lupe’s wife??? Man, it’s in the name of the show but damn EVERYBODY has got secrets around here.

Isabel hiding from Diego in Matilde’s room as she SHOULD. Matilde is all like “you like him don’t you” and she looks her dead in the eyes and tells her “We Are Just Friends” and honestly? Good for her (even if there’s some denial there)!! Definitely not gonna lose it over the fact that Matilde says “I hope you’re right for your sake, whoever gets involved with that waiter will need an endless amount of love to face such rage” as if Andrés didn’t just ‘face such rage’ then carry Julio to bed TWO SCENES AGO! It’s really not just the onscreen chemistry that’s making this shit feel gay, it’s the frickin narrative! I love it!! 😍

“Good morning” Julio says like a kicked puppy “there’s nothing good about it, I couldn’t sleep last night because of you!” OKAY we’re just gonna leave this here. Andrés it’s okay to say “I love you I was worried about you” DAMNIT why are they like this?! I’m gonna eat my teeth about these two idiots, istg this has been THE shippiest episode since episode since they were both walking on air about being reunited in ep.8 fr fr

Oh boy, Mercedes and Felipe are finally getting in trouble with their parents about their little escapades. Now it seems that Elisa (Alfredo’s mother) is missing?? Belén is already using her new position to get a room to herself back, I assume she was sharing with Victoria up until just now after Elisa got here.

Okay not to be Like That but I KNEW IT! I knew Andrés’s whole thing had very to actually do with Belén and mostly to do with really, REALLY wanting to be a dad and not letting that baby (or Belén) to go through the same trauma he and his mother did. He’s also apparently been told his dad was a soldier and died in the war and god this kid has such a complicated relationship with masculinity.

It’s also kinda sad really because Andrés isn’t actively being like, directly sexist, but also it’s 1908. Honey, there’s more to a relationship than being physically attracted to your wife/fiancé and her being the mother of your kid. Now granted Belén isn’t really letting it be anything other than that (because she doesn’t love him either) and that’s such a ‘young kid whose never been in a relationship in their life’ mistake. You have relationships with people of both genders that are closer to what you’re looking for baby she ain’t it! This ain’t gonna fix your daddy issues!! Bitches be out here playing house…

Oh okay LUPE was eavesdropping so now I’m starting to think maybe, is he??? Does he have a thing for Ángela cuz, uhhhhhhh 👀 the way he shoos away Benjamin all protectively that was, hmmm 🤔

Elisa wants to take Sofia to an obstetrician ohhhhh BOY 😬 now Teresa and Doctor Lazaro Vicario (what a cool name, up there with Serapio Ayala) are conspiring to make sure Sofía is not removed from the Hotel at all. Teresa has offered to “keep him company” very flirtatiously among the other things she’s offering him. Listen I hate both of these people but also Evil Couples are inherently sexy and I’d totally be here for that if they’re implying what I think they are 👀

Okay okay okay so Ayala is informing Dagoberto that Julio’s tattoo is from a high security prison reserved for violent offenders who are considered enemies of the state?! Julio is a convict??? Okay okay okay LORE 🌙 (also Werewolf!Julio is so real in my brain now lmfao).

In this show we don’t say I love you we say “I don’t mind if you get me in trouble” apparently. Andrés do you understand how fully and totally Insane you and Julio are about each other I mean, like, seriously?! Y’all have known each other for less than a month and You Are Like This? Hello?? Ffs this bitches gay, good for them good for them.

Every time part of me goes “well maybe somehow and some point maybe Belén has just a tiny lil’ smidge of genuine care for Andrés in her own deeply fucked up way” but then she goes and calls Andrés a fool to Diego while flirting and making out with him as he puts her raise on the record books and then I go “Nevermind I Am Going To Fucking Kill Her 😀” my loathing for Señorita Belén Aguará García knows no fucking bounds for reasons that are much tmi but it’s FINE.

Nooooo now that’s just fucked, Melinda is kicking the shot out of poor pregnant Violeta, Jacinto saves the day thank god. I hope she didn’t kill the baby because I mean, that’s fucking awful obviously. Violeta baby I hope whatever happens you end up somewhere better than here cuz this shot is ROCK. BOTTOM. You know what, maybe I take back what I said, Jacinto’s got a good head on his shoulders, probably

Wow Victoria (Elisa’s pastel pink guard dog) will really just flirt with ANYONE huh? First Pascual, then the new desk guy, and now Natalia! I wonder what Elisa meant by “do what we agreed?” That was ominous as hell. Natalia is honestly terrible with secrets (like Andrés) and just let slip Ángela was there when Sofia fell, hopefully this doesn’t come back to bite the poor dear!

Wow! Doctor Vicario may be aligned with Teresa (which makes him fucking shady and maybe even evil in my book) but he’s surprisingly not sexist for the times! I mean he’s STILL sexist but like, comparatively (kinda like Andrés y’know)? He even calls Isabel his colleague. Although I do have to wonder if he’s doing that specifically to maneuver Isabel into trusting him so that she gives him the benefit of the doubt when he inevitably dies shady shit for Teresa later? 🤔

Yet another interlude of Felipe and Mercedes being insane and horny for each other, this time with window climbing like it’s a teen movie from the 80s! Back to Ayala getting the Lore on Julio! Ohhh okay, so he’s one of the ringleaders of the Cananea riots (looking THAT up later). He’s not only a convict but an escaped one! Ayala pls don’t go ACAB on me (I have a feeling he won’t, he’s a smart guy, not just smart but wise, and the wise hate the rich because THAT is good sense).

Jacinto is having Dr. Vicario save Violeta! Vicario is helping her without question. Hey maybe I misjudged Vicario too, if nothing else he’s willing to lie for patients but he seems to want to help people idk idk he’s interesting, there’s a lot of conflicting facts about him laced together and I am Intrigued by this cagey but nice doctor 👀

So the file on Julio Olmedo says that he wasn’t a political agitator but killed an American Ranger who was trying to control the riot he was part of! That he died before he came to the prison did Julio fake his death?? I hope that doesn’t mean he lied to Andrés about his worried mom (probably not). But also… WHAT?!

Oh right, Julio got picked to serve Diego and Isabel’s little surprise romantic dinner… AWKWARD. 😂😬 ooooof.

#what an episode #so much lore #so much GAY!! #that was spectacular! #probably gonna stay one of my favs for a long time #not trek #el hotel de los secretos #ehdls #el hotel de los secretos spoilers #the hotel of secrets #lars watches ehdls #ehdls liveblog #julio olmedo #andrés salinas #julio/andrés #andrés/julio #dos camareros #Isabel Alarcón #Teresa Alarcón #doctor Lazaro vicario #Serapio Ayala #ehdls lupe #ehdls jacinto #ehdls violeta #Felipe Alarcón #ehdls mercedes #ehdls victoria #Alfredo vegara #elisa vegara #ehdls Natalia

[dorksideoftheforce]

I realize how overwhelming that must have been and so I unsaved, not deleted, it but not because I took it back but because I didn’t want to overwhelm you and it just so happened that the leaf broach got there the next day after I messaged you, it wasn’t suppose to come until the 7th but it came early and I had to tell you about it because you are always gonna be with me. I remember for Valentine’s Day, the only Valentine’s Day I’ve ever spent with anybody and the only valentine I have ever had besides my dog, because I got to keep Leia and found out on Valentine’s Day…I remember you held my hands when the waitress called me ma’am and that shit gutted me and you saw my face and held my hands and squeezed them and I’ve never lost that feeling when something has come up that really made me want to leave my body…I hold my own hand now but I remember you and if grieving you is all I’ll ever be able to do now that you are gone then I’m happy to be able to carry you and those memories that helped me make it through. I’d still show up for you because in my heart, you will always have a friend in me. You really are gone and like you said, there’s a new world now and it sucks without you being here because I so, so love you and I care about you and I feel alone in this world…like I got dropped in the middle of the ocean and I am just floating out in the middle of nowhere. But you wanna know something that I can’t shake…something that makes all of this bearable in a way where I just start to cry? I feel like this is happening so you keep me safe, in a way. Like you don’t want me to be hurt too so it’s like it’s better that things happen this way and you go off to heal in the best way you can and let me go so I can figure my shit out too because it’s truly so painful how healing can hurt people we love but it’s important that we heal away from each other because the last thing either of us wants to do is hurt each other. That’s what I feel in my heart and I can’t help but to cry. I might be hurt but I’m not mad or angry at you. I feel like I understand and I want to, you know. I want to and be here for you and love you up close and support you and everything and if all I’ll ever be able to do is do that from a distance then you got it. I hope you know this. I would be honored to be your friend and you are a hero to me and I’m also grateful and like okay…All these things are happening and I’m here for it but I miss you and being able to talk to you. Knowing that you were somewhere out there in the world gave me this level of peace that I can’t help now but to bawl my eyes out as I even type this out and think about it. Knowing you were out there gave me peace. Like it didn’t matter how fucking awful things were, I would see you and just thank God so much. I always hope you are out there and you just keep taking good care of yourself out there too. That the people you love are loving you and taking care of you too. Valuing you. Respecting you. Holding you close without any other intentions for as long as you need. I know I won’t feel this bad forever… I know that with time, the grief I feel will be more like a friend that wraps its arms around me like a hug instead of a ghost that goes in through my mouth, consumes every fiber of my being and explodes into little pieces. I really did need God after everything that happened. I couldn’t do it on my own and now that you are gone too, I need God more than I honestly needed him then because I am not okay. I am holding on and pushing through, every single day. I am not okay and I’m just gonna have to live with feeling that way for now until I’m okay again. I guess that’s how it all works, huh? I’m okay with that. Thank you for all the love and care that you ever gave me.

#Amanda

[unfoldingmoments]

Six Feet Under

“Everybody forgives everybody for everything.” — Nate Fisher, Six Feet Under, Season 1: Pilot

“I just feel like all I do, all day long, is just manage myself, try to fuckin' connect with people. But it's like, no matter how much energy you pour into getting to the station on time, or getting on the right train, there's still no fuckin' guarantee that anybody's gonna be there for you to pick you up when you get there.” — Nate Fisher, Six Feet Under, Season 5: Time Flies  “If there’s a moment when I feel like I’m in prison, I just have to think about all those moments when it feels safe, and remind myself that those moments outweigh the prison moments.” — Nate Fisher “I say, if life offers you a new beginning, take it.” — Brenda Chenowith “I can’t believe how much money I’ve spent fucking up my life.” — Brenda Chenowith

“That’s the thing about Narcissus, its not that he’s so fucking in love with himself, because he isn’t at all, he fucking hates himself. It’s that without that reflection looking back at him, he doesn’t exist.” — Billy Chenowith, Six Feet Under, Season 2: Someone Else's Eyes

“You hang onto your pain like it means something, like it's worth something. Well, let me tell ya, it's not worth shit. Let it go. Infinite possibilities, and all he can do is whine.” — Nathaniel Fisher, Sr., Six Feet Under, Season 4: Untitled

“Maybe your soul mate is the one who forces your soul to grow the most?” — Ari Ziskind, Six Feet Under, Season 4: The Dare

“I wouldn’t change anything. If you change one thing, that changes everything. And some things are the way they should be.” — Brenda Chenowith, Six Feet Under, Season 3: Tears, Bones and Desire

“Life is pain, get used to it.” — Lisa Kimmel Fisher, Six Feet Under, Season 4: The Dare

“It's hard sometimes, relationships aren't easy. You just have to work at it every day. Can't expect everything to be perfect all the time, and can't get shaken when it isn't. If there's a moment when I feel like I'm in prison, I just have to think about all those moments when it feels safe, and remind myself that those moments outweigh the prison moments.” — Nate Fisher, Six Feet Under, Season 3: The Trap

“That's where everything started. In those cave paintings there was the creation of the idea of image, of the representation of ourselves.” — Russell Corwin, Six Feet Under, Season 4: Can I Come Up Now?

“All we have is this moment, right here, right now. The future is just a fucking concept that we use to avoid being alive today. So be here... now.” — Brenda Chenowith, Six Feet Under, Season 2: Someone Else's Eyes

“If we live our lives the right way, then every single thing we do becomes a work of art.” — Claire Fisher, Six Feet Under, Season 2: The Liar and the Whore

“You know, it's just so sad that you can love somebody so much and have absolutely no idea what's going on in their head.” — Brenda Chenowith, Six Feet Under, Season 2: The Invisible Woman

“That's the thing about depression: if you really allow yourself to feel it, it gets very boring very fast.” — Brenda Chenowith, Six Feet Under, Season 2: Out, Out, Brief Candle

“You know what I find interesting? If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess that's just too fucking awful to even have a name.” — Brenda Chenowith, Six Feet Under, Season 1: Life's Too Short

“Love isn't something you feel, it's something you do. If the person you're with doesn't want it, do yourself a favor and save it for someone who does.” — Nate Fisher, Six Feet Under, Season 5: The Rainbow of Her Reasons

“Well, I know that if you think life is a vending machine, where you put in virtue and you get out happiness, then you're probably gonna be disappointed. I know that.” — Maggie Sibley, Six Feet Under, Season 5: Time Flies

“Nate: Time flies when you're having fun, huh? Nathaniel Sr.: No, time flies when you're pretending to have fun.” — Nate Fisher, Six Feet Under, Season 5: Time Flies

“In the beginning, if you hate something, it's good, because you don't recognize the beauty of your own truth.” — Olivier Castro-Staal, Six Feet Under, Season 3: The Eye Inside

“All we have is this moment, right here, right now. The future is just a fucking concept that we use to avoid being alive today. So be here... now.” — Brenda Chenowith, Six Feet Under, Season 2: Someone Else's Eyes “Well, we’re all wounded. We carry our wounds around with us through life, and eventually they kill us. Things happen that leave a mark in space, in time. In us.” — Brenda Chenowith

“All that lives, lives forever. Only the shell, the perishable passes away. The spirit is without end. Eternal. Deathless.” — Nate Fisher, Six Feet Under, Season 2: In The Game

Tracy Montrose: Why do people have to die? Nate: To make life important. None of us know how long we've got. Which is why we have to make each day matter. And it sound like your Aunt Lilian did exactly that. Tracy Montrose: Yeah, she did. Nate: Then you can be happy for her. For a life well-lived. That's the most any of us can hope for. — Nate Fisher, Six Feet Under, Season 1: Knock, Knock

“You both look so happy. Just enjoy it while it lasts. Which isn't very long. You think you have forever, but you don't. Soon you start to get on each other's nerves. Then you don't tell the other person as much as you used to, 'cause, really, what's the point? You thought they understood you, but they never did … not really. Finally, not only do you not tell the other person anything real, you actively start lying to him. And then, when you think it can't get any worse, he up and dies! No matter what you do, you end up alone, not knowing who you are or what you really want!” — Ruth Fisher, Six Feet Under, Season 1: The Foot

“Well, we're all wounded. We carry our wounds around with us through life, and eventually they kill us. Things happen that leave a mark in space, in time. In us.” — Brenda Chenowith, Six Feet Under, Season 1: The Will

#sixfeetunder #moviequotes #quotes #movie #hbo #life #death

[dieeinsamkeitderprokrastination]

I don’t think I spend a lot of time in the now. Sometimes I catch myself drifting away, but most times I don’t even realize it until I’m a novels worth deep into some story in my mind. I tune out everything while still thinking I’m mentally present. I don’t think I have been mentally present for much of my life. Even now as I am writing this my mind wanders to the times where I caught myself slipping away.

Consciousness is truly a strange thing and I have to say I don’t really know what it feels like. What does it mean? Does it mean not having any other thoughts while listening to a person? Like, my skin is itchy, this tag is bothering me, am I making the right faces? what did I eat yesterday, what would my character do in this situation.

My characters. None of them really are me but all of them are what I want to be. It seems I have started to give them a personality that closer resembles mine then I used to. They used to be broody and mysterious, cold and not very talkative. All things I am not.

Hot headed and can’t seem to keep my damn mouth shut. At least that’s what I’m often told. It all seems pointless sometimes, but truth is I like hearing myself talk and sometimes others just don’t have anything interesting to say. That’s not my fault, not everyone can be worth my time.

See, now I have done it again. Switched topics without a second thought didn’t even realize it. Fun. Weird. I don’t get myself. Not entirely. I think I’m close though. I’m getting older and I’m scared of that but its getting to a point where I think I’m okay with it.

I still have a lot of dreams and wishes and I hope I get to fulfill them all one day. Maybe not as soon as I had hoped but hey, what gives?

I don’t spend a lot of time in the now because the now scares me, it overwhelms me and I am bad at being in the now. No one understands how I emote and it feels like pressing buttons in an aliens spaceship without knowing what they do, setting off random torpedos. Sometimes they hit and I’m not always sorry, because like every human I think I’m right.

I hate quickly and love slowly. There are people out there I would kill for but not many I would die for. I hope that makes sense.

The now. Now. NOW. What does that even mean. Isn’t the little world inside my head also now? Is it so bad to go there? To just flee? I guess at least it’s what the internet tells me and people around me get creeped out by my vacant stares.

I’m not fully there. Never. CONCENTRATE! How? There’s a lot going on and I’m busy. Not really busy but you know busy in my head. There are thoughts to be thought, stories to build, dreams to be had. If I concentrate I’ll just realize how boring everything is and difficult and I’ll cry again. Close to crying right now. Very close. Any moment now. Now. Now. Now.

Still not here yet. My mind is preventing it. If I catch myself I try to return but it gets increasingly difficult. There now the first tear has dropped. I think this is just PMS mania but still.

My IPad is close to dying which is frustrating I still want to write. I always want to write but I never really can. I’ll probably never finish any of the books and stories I have started. It’s frustrating but…well it’s just that actually.

Now I’m in the now? No, not really. My head hurts a bit actually as if I was raising my eyebrows but I’m not. It feels like someone is trying to pull my brain back out but they’re only semi successful. It hurts. Physically. Which seems impossible, no?

I miss my friends. I’m happy where I am now, at least it feels like that and everybody tells me I look so much better which is telling of how awful I must’ve looked these past years. I felt awful. I wanted to kill myself.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking it. I. Want. To. Kill. Myself. But it’s not really true anymore. Now it feels more like a reflex to get out of difficult situations I don’t wanna do. Laziness if you will. More than that I guess.

Has anybody killed themselves out of laziness? I don’t think so. I guess it makes you feel stuck and by taking your own life you don’t have to disappoint people directly to their face. Just Irish goodbye the whole shit show.

Please don’t do that by the way. It takes away your only chance of finding happiness. And yeah I know what you’re thinking but no I’m not gonna give you the whole spiel of “it will get better”. I didn’t believe it either when I was stuck in the murky waters of depression. Heck I’m still kinda stuck in them or at least I find myself crossing through sometimes. Just like right now. Live with it, embrace it and get through it. That is the only way there is no other. Get help. I did and it changed a lot for me.

But you know, I’m sure you’ll find a way. I hope you do.

Still stuck. But maybe that’s okay for now. I made it half out of murky waters, next will be dreamland. I just need to get rid of this feeling that dreamworld is my personality. Because I’m afraid it’s not. It’s probably some misplaced coping mechanism I have learned as a child to escape difficult situations or something. Man, I should really be seeing my therapist for a session.

The art of escapism. I used to dive into books for that until they couldn’t give me what i wanted and needed anymore and my brain decided that reading was entirely to exhausting. I cant really read anymore without throwing a tiny tamper tantrum. I always give up then.

It’s exhausting having to fight your brain for the most simplest things. I guess that’s why I don’t fight and just let myself slip away. It’s sad really. I don’t even get to live my life I just get to watch from the sidelines. It feels like my life is the commercial breaks in an endless stream of thoughts and nonsense.

It’s noisy inside my head and cramped. There is not a single second where there isn’t anything going on up there. Many people say their brain turns of during sport or their favorite activity but mine just keeps on babbling. There is no activity, no place, no song where it’s just off.

I long for silence but it is not given to me. I have to live with myself and my constant world building and if I’m not doing that or working I’m scrolling through endless hell.

Quick consumer of videos and garbage. I buy so many things to fill holes that i don’t think exist anymore, but it used to be a quick fix to my troubles so I still do it. I buy toys mostly, shiny things to fill my room with and keep my brain momentarily entertained. Surprise toys, miniatures, dolls. My room looks like that of a 10 year old. And I feel like one most of the time.

I don’t feel like a grown up. Not at all. I do things grown ups do, like work but still. I feel like a child and my needs are that of a child. I want sweets and toys and stories and constant entertainment. My mother said she cant remember the last time she was bored. I am bored constantly.

It feels foul and heavy and is just so annoying. Tings bore me pretty quickly and I never learn. I spend money on all the items of my newly found obsession only to throw it all out three years later at max after half a year minimum. I lose interest just as quick as I gained it.

I am a consumer. I am the consumer. Every corporates wet dream. Buy all our shit! Yes! Wait no boring! No problemo, here’s that new shit! Nice! And it just goes on and on and on. I like things I am a material person but I also hate things and the chokehold it has on me. But I’m to stressed to rid me of that habit now. But my time will come where I will purge my shopping addiction.

I have been writing for a while now. I should head to bed. I am sorry. I hope your doing well. Don’t be like me and hydrate properly or whatever you say as encouragements for mentally ill strangers on the internet. I am such a stranger. But don’t bother. I am fine, it’s all working out and things are moving. Have a good one, see ya.

#tw: depression #tw: sui thoughts #my thougts #text post #lonely

[ruerojean]

After multiple failed attempts bc of my old tumblr URL being a ‘threat’ to instagrams guidelines.. I decided to just make a whole new URL dedicated to this type of thing exclusively!

So this will be the link on my profile for now. I will add it to my Insta stories.. Instagram won’t let me add it to my website bio smh.. but we will get there eventually.. & I will stand answering them once I have enough to go through in a row :)

As a reminder - I am doing this bc I was inpatient at a mental health facility (psych ward) for what was only meant to be around 7-14 days. I had a psychiatrist appt on the Thursday before.. completely unaware of what was about to happen to that Sunday coming.. after basically having a complete nervous/mental breakdown in my session about what I had been going through the last 3 months prior to seeing my psych.. she immediately rang the hospitals inpatient team. The consulting suits for outpatients are within the same hospital as inpatients. Without telling me a thing.. she picked up the phone & said “Hi this is Dr ‘..’ could you please reserve me a bed for my patient “..” (that being me) for this Sunday at 11am for inpatient services, thankyou. In my mind.. I was obviously freaking THE FUK OUT.. as anybody would. I have never been inpatient before. I have always fought against it. Once before I was always put in on completely unrelated issues pertaining to an ED against my will & I also have a strong fear around ALL hospitals in general after seeing many loved ones die & the lack of care surrounding that. I panicked immediately & confronted her about it. When she explained her reasoning.. I didn’t feel as pacicked anymore.. bc it wasn’t necessarily about putting ME ‘away’ bc she thought I was ‘crazy’ or needing some kind of treatment or whatever.. it was about getting me out of the environment I was currently in, keeping me safe, getting me away from my parents, getting me the resources I needed to help me escape from from them, getting me FREE treatment, care, meds etc.. everything was free. She said it was basically a way to get me away from my mom.. away from the toxic environment.. give me free help from her team that as an outpatient I would have to pay for which I can’t bc of financial abuse.. & also she would be able to see me every single afternoon for free for 30-60 mins as an inpatient. I could get free medication while I’m there. See gps, go to group therapies, actually get food. It all made sense. I had anxiety about the people who I would be in there with tho.. I knew I didn’t ‘belong’ in there.. I was like is this an adult place? Do I have to speak to people? Can I just stay in my room? Are some people psychotic? What am I going to be dealing w in there? And she laughed and was like omg absolutely not.. no one is like that.

And boy was she right. I cried on my first day bc I have never felt so safe.. so peaceful.. so loved.. so.. it was the saddest feeling bc I realised this is what it’s meant to be like & im in a fucking psych ward & i felt SAFER & CALMER & HAPPIER & MORE AT PEACE IN HERE?!?!?! i realised jus how fucked up things were then.. just how bad it actually was. i never wanted to leave. i had some bad days, some awful ducking bitch nurses that fucked up my meds & spoke about me in the worst ways and behind my back despite me STILL HEARING IT.. but that’s people. i loved it there. my first day out was awful. everytime my mom came to visit was awful. the times I spoke to my dad were the worst times ever. the time I saw my dad.. awful. i couldn’t wait to go back to that place that I started calling it ‘home’. i hate being back here.. i hate it. im trying so hard just to survive. that is not life. i want to live.. not just try my hardest everyday to catch my breath.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #019

(last one, also from last night)

Has anyone ever told you that you looked like a celebrity? Nah, to my memory I've only been told I look like two fictional characters: Mavis from Hotel Transylvania as a teenager as well as Eileen Galvin from Silent Hill 4, which was immensely flattering, haha. Do you have any change on you right now? No; I give whatever coins I have to my mom for Ash's kids to put in their piggy banks. Cutting your hair extremely short, would you do it? Did it years ago, one of the best decisions I've ever made. Have you ever played the game Halo? Nah, not my kind of game. Although if I remember right I think Ryder has officially been exposed to and loves it and I would totally play with him 'n' let him kick my ass... or maybe he just legit could now, I'm a rusty old gamer lady, haha. Do you like your nose? I actually don't mind my nose. A rare feature of mine I don't see a problem with. Kissing someone with facial hair, do you mind? I've never minded it. Granted I've never kissed anybody with a whole lot, but I'm quite certain I wouldn't be bothered. Would you ever like to be a stunt person? HELL no alsdkjfaklwejl Are you a pyromaniac? No. I think fire's very pretty and powerful, but I'm not obsessed with it or anything. Are you one of those people who listen to songs on repeat? Oh, ABsofuckinglutely. I can pick a song and listen to it for hours multiple days in a row if I'm in a phase of really enjoying it. Can any of your friends sing very well? Girt has a great a voice. Off the top of my head, I don't know about anyone else who is exceptionally talented with singing. Do you have piano fingers? Oh yes, heard that since I was a kid. My mom compares my hands to being a lot like her mom's: long, slender, and flow-y. Honestly if I didn't pEEL MY FUCKING NAILS OFF LIKE AN ANIMAL I think my hands would be a pretty feature of mine. Who did you dance with last? Sara. When holding hands, do you intertwine fingers? Usually, yes. Best feeling. Is there a movie that makes you cry every single time you watch it? I don't believe I've gotten through The Notebook even once without at LEAST one tear creeping out. I also know I've cried each time I've seen The Boy in the Striped Pajamas in history classes. I don't think I would EVER be able to get through it without doing so, honestly. I just can't grasp how such human vileness actually happened. Who was the last person you mocked/mimicked? Girt, lol. I can't remember over what though and it was obviously just playfully. If you write, isn’t writer’s block the most horrible thing? Oh totally, it is SO frustrating as a creative person that always feels like being expressive. What is the first letter of the person’s name you last kissed? "D." Do you have any sort of debt? Oh, without a shadow of a goddamn doubt. I've dropped outta college too much not to. I have zero idea what I owe and am scared of the day it's gonna fall on me. Is there an accent you prefer? British. Do any of your friends own an expensive car? I know absolutely nothing about cars dude, I couldn't tell ya. Have you ever been on a train? No, but I'd like to one day. Is there a guy you can talk to about anything? Yep. Have you ever been in a parade? "In," no. Do people say you look your age? Or younger or older? I hear that I look younger. Have you ever sent a celebrity fan mail? No. Is there a friend’s family that makes you feel like you’re family too? LJSKLDJFAL;ISKEJFIOWJEO;AW Girt's mom referred to me as family the day Ma and I came over for that 4th of July party and I almost cried, even though she BARELY knows me. Mom pointed it out when we left though that she loved how she spoke of me. I'm apparently the first girlfriend of Girt's she's ever met and I think that says something to her. What’s something you believe in that others are skeptical of? Ghosts. I obviously don't know with absolute certainty, but I am a VERY firm believer in spirits and their ability to make contact with the living. What was the last YouTube video you watched that you found entertaining? I watched a "Fact vs. Fiction" from Loudwire about Richard the other day, and it was very fascinating. It was the first time I'd heard him speak English and my heart did this funky thing where it turned to soup asodkfojkalljw like the accent is STRONG lad What did the last pizza you ate have on it? Just pepperoni. Do you know anyone unrelated to you that has your same last name? Uhhh I don't think so, no. Do you know anyone who is truly evil? No, I don't think that of anyone I personally know. What was the cause of the worst physical pain you’ve ever experienced? A cyst I had got infected, and it was being drained by applying pressure to it and I literally wanted to FUCKING DIE alksdfa;lwd that hospital staff is never gonna forget that night lmfao Is there anyone in your family who is colorblind, that you know of? No. Are you a Christian? No; I would 100% rather be called a modern Satanist than a Christian. I'm not one because I personally think it is TOO into the "do whatever the fuck you want" mentality as well as OVERLY self-important, among other smaller disagreements, BUT I agree with modern-day atheistic Satanism more than Christianity. What is the name of your favorite book character? Uh, wow, what IS my favorite book character. Well, his original format isn't through a book, but there's one novel about Vol'jin from the World of Warcraft universe, so hey, he's in a book, lol. I think I'd pick him, I loved him so much and tbh his death will probably be one that I'm most mad about, I ain't forgiven Blizz to this day. Who was the last non-relative woman you spoke to in person? A doctor. Do you believe in karma? No. As much as I WISH it was a thing, I just don't. What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? BITCH, A LOT. People change and grow. Some of my most regretted/embarrassing beliefs from a younger age though include being homophobic, transphobic, pro-life, Creationist, anti-BLM because I thought it was "too extreme," etc... I believed awful things. Are you and your S/O Facebook official? Not technically, lol. On my page it says that we're in a relationship, but it's pending. On his, it still says "single" because he never responded to the status change. It doesn't really bug me though, like he's open about us dating and has made it very clear he's invested and serious, so I just don't care what an account on a website he literally never touches (which is I'm assuming why he never responded to the notif) says. This mf probably ain't even gonna change it if/when we get married lmfao. Do you know how to set a formal table setting for a 3+ course dinner? God no, this is a formal tradition that I have neeeeever understood. My mom has always done the table "properly" for meals like Thanksgiving because her mom went to a very proper, all-girls school where she had this format drilled into her head, buuut thank god Mom has never tried to get us kids to follow it. Usually. Sometimes she's picky about it, depending on the occasion. Do you know anyone who works as a lawyer? Well, knew two people. My former best friend Quiata became a lawyer, but we lost contact. One of my cousins is also one, but we all completely cut ties with that selfish fucking family. All of them. Do you have a difficult time relating to other’s emotions? ABSOLUTELY not, I am an emotional sponge. What was the last electronic item you bought? Oh wow, nice timing, Mom came home with a new phone for me tonight, haha. We'll be setting that one up tomorrow, she got home late and wanted to lie down. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? I haven't and ABSOLUTELY never want to. The idea of paralysis absolutely horrifies me. Have you ever had a dream in which you died? Multiple. Does the thought of having wrinkles when you’re older upset you? No, it's totally inevitable. I mean I don't WANT them obvs, but it doesn't "upset" me. When was the last time you drank coffee? I've never really *drank* it, just tried it and never liked it. Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? I don't believe so, thankfully. Do you know anyone named Chris? Ugh, KNEW. Literally both of my sisters have dated shitbags named Chris. Do you cook to music? I don't cook, but that's maybe a way for me to get into it, actually... Oh wow, ow, an old memory came creeping back: on mornings Jason's dad was off of work, he loved to turn on old mostly rock music and cook a nice breakfast for everyone, always just singing along. I loved it then and even now I swear to god I feel a physical pain in my chest. I hope he's okay after losing Virginia. He felt like my genuine dad when I was dealing with my parents splitting and hating my actual father. That guy was/probably still is a good, good man. Have you ever told someone you hated them? I have. Favorite thing to do on Facebook? Look at really stupid memes that shouldn't be funny but make my dumb ass laugh anyway. If you could meet one celebrity, who would you want it to be? Mark. When was your last time you saw your dad? I don't think I've seen Dad since... WOW I can't remember. I know it's been months. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yes. Where did your last kiss take place? By my front door. Who’s the last person that creeped you out? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH guys at the 4th of July party GIRT'S MOM'S FRIEND'S DAD (wow) WAS LEGIT FLIRTING WITH MY MOM AND I WANTED TO DIE. Like it was PAINFULLY obvious, but Mom took it like a champ, totally shrugging it off without being rude, and even when I talked to her in the car, she was pretty casual about it and said that "you just have to ignore it" with seniors. Like the dude didn't do anything serious, but still, just as my mom's very close daughter, I was feeling really protective and just uncomfortable. Do you wish someone would call you? No, I'm fine with me and music rn. Do you hate your last boyfriend/girlfriend? Nah, man. I don't like her, but I don't have any hard feelings. She's not a monster, we're just not compatible as healthy friends. That's just how it is sometimes. What do you hear right now? "Ich tu dir weh" by Rammstein Do you feel comfortable wearing tube tops? You couldn't PAAAAAAY me to wear one with this body. I sure wish I was confident enough to wear one and pull it off. Has anyone teased you with the “K-I-S-S-I-N-G” song? Maybe? Idr. Have you ever owned a beanbag chair? Yes. Are you a fan of retro things? Very much! If you’re with someone right now, do you think it will last? In full, complete, genuine, self-aware honesty, I do think it will. I will NEVER allow myself to enter the "oh a breakup simply can't happen" ideology EVER again, but I just REALLY think Girt and I have something amazing. Who was the last person you flipped off? - claims her boyfriend is amazing - the last person she flipped off was her boyfriend (it was playful, shh) oop Is there anyone who did something absolutely hilarious today? oh my god YES I don't feel like elaborating tbh 'cuz lazy but basically my mom made a fucking brilliant typo in a text regarding Girt and me and I - literally - laughed so fucking hard I got dizzy and almost fell outta my chair lmfao Your significant other: have you told them you love them lately? I tell him that a lot. Have you dated someone more than twice? No. Do you hate to use public bathrooms? I absolutely do and will avoid them as best I can. Do you have any tan lines? I literally don't think I ever have in my entire life lmao Ever been so unfortunate to slip on wet rocks? As a matter of fact, i have. One day my dad and I went fishing by the dam and I was traversing the big rocks and slipped and fucked up my shin REAL good. I remember it so well because I had dance recital practice right after it. Like I had fresh wounds on that stage, lmao. I remember crying a little bit while practicing. Does seeing roadkill make you sad, or just grossed out? Oh, it makes me horribly sad. Considering I like getting all up in their business and taking pictures though, uh, it can't gross me out that much, haha. Did I ever tell y'all about the time I almost placed my hand right down on top of fox intes- What do you think is the most saddest sounding instrument? Either the violin or piano. Do you have a favorite species of wild cat (tiger/lion/cougar etc)? Not a STRONG favorite considering I probably change my mind like, any time a survey has asked this. I just love cats, man. What type of a drunk are you? (Obnoxious, calm, emotional, violent, etc) I wouldn't know, never been full-on drunk. I'm more talkative with more alcohol though, apparently, given that's all that's ever happened when drinking before. Are you good at pronouncing foreign words? Only German because I studied it long enough to know how things are pronounced. I might not be able to tell you what all German says, but I could probably pronounce it. No promises though, don't hold me to it, lol. When listening to music, do you usually tap your foot etc to the beat? It's SO wild honestly, I react so immensely little to music, at least in the obvious, external ways. I get absolutely fucking slathered in goosebumps when I listen to music at sometimes very random intervals, but I don't move my head, I very rarely tap my fingers, etc. There is only one movement I've noticed I quite consistently make when listening to music: when laying in bed, I will sway my left leg back and forth slowly. I catch myself doing it a loooot and have always thought it was a weird tick. Have you ever literally cried on a friend’s shoulder? I have, the night my mom bullied her way to getting me to share what I was always doing on the computer so secretively (RP) as a kid. My friend Jenna, who actually created Ruby's sister Flammi, was there and I just CRIED and CRIED on her shoulder because I felt judged and was scared and just that day was A LOT. Has anyone told you that they wanted to marry you/were planning on it/etc.? Jason as well as Girt have. When you were younger, did you have a yoyo? Yep. What was the last video game you played, if any? Shadow of the Colossus. Girt and I are planning to start Heavy Rain when he comes over next, as he's never played it but he knows I love it so basically we doin' that and I'm going to cry all over again bc this game on god made me hurt more than nearly any other. I think only The Last of Us (and DEFINITELY its sequel, that shit on another fuckin level) might beat it. What’s your opinion on people who stretch their ears? Small to medium-sized holes look cool on some people. I personally still wanna slightly gauge my ears, just ugh, I need to learn exactly how and get the materials. Have you ever seen a bear in the wild? No, but black bears do live here, they're just very rare. Has anyone you know gotten mono? My sister Ashley got it, actually. I think when she was in early high school? It was rough. Can you say yes/no in different languages? Only English and German, I think.

#survey #surveys #random surveys #random questions

[demonsofdevildom]

Having returned home from RAD without much of a word to the brothers and having been struggling with untold things for some time now, looking worse for wear due to the lack of sleep he was getting and quite tired cause of it but he wasn’t trying to be lazy. Far from it in all honesty given Yuki was wrestling with emotions that he didn’t feel like the others should now about, main thing being of the loss of one of his parents before being snatched away to be here.

Always one to keep a mask on while not wanting anybody to ask him what was wrong or pry of what he was dealing with, that and not having the courage to tell about what he dealt with either given he resigned himself to remain quiet like he always had done long before coming to Devildom. Hugging a pillow tightly in efforts to keep himself from crying though failing, this pain paired with how his blood was acting  up clearly wasn’t a great combo and it was only a matter of time before one of the brothers found out he was wasn’t at RAD anymore for the day. “Why couldn’t it have been me that had left this world...? You could have done more to keep her happy instead of me being here, why did you have to leave...? Why...?” lost in his tears while rocking in place while on his bed with that shuddering breath sounding from him at times and crying softly, “It’s awful of me to say such a thing but I don’t even know what to do... I dare not ask anyone for help it’s too much, I can’t bear it... I feel like I’m suffocating from this. I’m in no shape to even go back to the school right now, surprised I made it back without falling over either... haa...” his knuckles slowly turning white from how hard he grasped on the pillow’s fabric before letting out a loud scream when unable to hold it back anyone and not caring if anyone heard him for it hurt too much.

#{ ic } #open starter

[from-a-reckless-writer]

here's me jumping into the bandwagon :D

(read on ao3)

It's just after sunset when Kara finally gives in. She veers off from her patrol down to a route she knows by heart.

The moment she lands, the first thing she notices is how the sliding doors are a fraction open. It’s a small thing, nothing to even be thrilled about, yet still, her drumming heart cannot be helped.

"Knock, knock," she says, stepping inside.

Her heart turning anxious when she takes in the sight in front of her. The room is a mess; books on the floor, drawers open, Lena’s frazzled appearance. She's standing over a suitcase thrown open in the middle of the bed, a mountain of clothes on top of it.

She was told that Lena was going on a trip, that it would probably take three weeks tops.

Packing for a trip doesn’t look like this, this looks a lot like... leaving.

Going on a trip, Kara remembers that’s what her family told her too.

You and Kal are going on a trip but you don’t have to worry, we’ll be with you the rest of the way, they told her.

A trip implies there would be a home to come back to. And Kara believed it. She believed it for a total of ten seconds before her planet exploded and a shard of her home knocked her off-course.

"Need some help?" Her voice doesn’t tremble. Kara considers that a miracle, really.

"I didn't know Supergirl helped poor hapless women pack suitcases,” Lena retorts, walking over to her and kissing her cheek in greeting. It doesn't go unnoticed by Kara how clingy Lena's been since she's been back.

"Well, I wouldn’t exactly consider you poor and hapless," Kara counters.

"I may have had a slight,” Lena pinches her thumb and forefinger together, “panic over which and what to pack earlier.”

Yeah, Kara can definitely see that.

"Good thing I’m here then?”

"It's always good whenever you're around,” Lena says in such a casual way and it’s like the past year didn’t happen. As if it has always been this good. And...is this even allowed? This much affection from Lena? All the sweet words, the gentle touches, and the constant close proximity? It shouldn’t be allowed, not if it will be taken from her almost immediately after.

Unfair, is what it is.

******

“Okay, so why don’t we just move this out here yeah?” Kara voices, leaning over and hugging the lump of clothes to her chest, dumps it out from the suitcase and onto Lena’s pillows.

Lena’s fabric conditioner filling Kara’s senses entirely. For a brief moment, she considers stealing one of Lena’s shirts then and there. Something to tide her through once Lena leaves.

“Great. You’re on folding duty then,” Lena declares, “I’ll just go sort my babies, quickly. I’ll be right back.”

(Her 'babies' being the thick books lining every inch of this place.)

Lena disappears through the door. The domesticity of it all pulling at Kara’s chest.

In another world, where life ran a little differently, Kara would be packing their suitcases for a trip to Argo, or maybe one of the planets she’s always wanted Lena to see, or maybe it’d be nothing that grand. Maybe, just a trip back to Midvale. Lena would read to her on the whole drive there, her hair whipping from the winds down coastal roads.

Maybe not even a trip. Maybe in this other world, she’s assigned on folding duty, while Lena tinkers around their house. Maybe, even a dog or a cat. Maybe, something small at first, just an aquarium of fishes.

She doesn’t notice how deep into the fantasy she’s gotten till Lena speaks up from the door.

"My, my, CatCo would pay a million dollars to see this."

"Uh-"

"Supergirl found in bed, folding Lena Luthor's undies."

Kara looks down at her hand. She’s holding a lacy purple panty, she spots the matching bra laying a few inches away. She drops it lightning quick, feels her face flush.

"Oh, Rao. Lena, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to- I wasn't- It was just there and I-"

"Relax, Kara. I was just teasing,” Lena reassures her, she’s got three books tucked in her arms, she lays them down on the bed, before picking up the underwear Kara’s dropped and folding it neatly.

The contrast of the dark fabric against Lena’s pale fingers makes Kara flush an even brighter red.

Kara tries hard to exclude Lena's lacy panties in her fantasy.

She fails.

******

They give up on packing entirely two hours later. An all out pillow fight breaks out somewhere between Kara fishing out her favorite hoodie from the pile--discovering t'was not in fact missing like she thought it was--and Lena denying that she stole it.

They’ve fallen right on top of Lena’s clothes. Laying opposite each other, Lena lying upside down, her feet propped up on the pillows, toes touching the headboard, whilst Kara’s legs dangle at the end of the bed. Their heads close together.

From this angle, she can see the defined slope of Lena’s nose; stares at the way her lashes curl every time she blinks.

“So, what do you think you’ll find there?” Kara breathes out into the silence.

“I don’t really know,” Lena whispers.

“Let me rephrase then; what do you want to find?”

“I- I don’t know either.”

She tries to crane her neck to take a better look at Lena. Her eyes are closed, and it takes every ounce of self-control for Kara not to lean over and just press a kiss to Lena’s lips. It would be so, so easy. She settles for shifting just a bit closer instead, their temples touching.

It’s good enough.

“That’s okay," Kara murmurs, "not knowing is part of the adventure, right?”

She tries not to think about how she isn’t really part of this adventure. It isn’t about her, really. Kara’s decided the next three days will be about Lena. Kara will have time for breaking down once Lena leaves. The three days pales in comparison to how much Lena’s sacrificed in getting her back.

“I guess so.” she hears Lena say.

On the ceiling, Kara sees two shadows dancing with each other, tries not to look too deep into it.

And then,

“I had Jess trace down a couple of documents for me,”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. There’s an orphanage that could help me, she thinks.”

Kara’s ears perk up at that, she imagines Lena as a small child crying for her mom and then being whisked away from everything she ever knew. Kara wishes she could hold that little girl’s hand. Why did nobody hold Lena’s hand through it all? Kara wonders if somebody did, would Lena even have met her? Would she have needed somebody like Kara in her life? She likes to believe that Lena would still have met her. A reality without Lena was too painful, Kara knows all too well.

“Is that where you’re going to visit first?”

“Yeah.”

A brief silence engulfs them.

“Hey, Kara,” Lena calls out. “Do you think-”

There’s a deep exhale and a sigh.

“Do I think what?”

“Do you think my mom would want me to find her again? Do you think she’s proud of me?”

The question was so full of uncertainty and insecurity and there's nothing that Kara wants more than to just wrap around Lena and tell her how goddamn amazing she is.

“Oh, Lena," Kara whispers, "your mom would be so happy if you found her. I’d even say she’s been waiting for you. And of course, she’s proud of you!” Kara sits up at this, can’t contain all her awe for Lena.

“You’re amazing! Have you met you? Your mom would be so proud of you. I just know it, Lena.”

Lena opens her eyes, smiles shyly at her, reaches up to cup Kara’s cheek. Even though the angle is awkward, Kara feels her entire being light up at the touch.

“Thank you. You always know just what to say.”

Kara's right hand comes up to keep Lena’s hand steady, before tilting slowly to press a kiss to her palm.

She registers the up-tick in her heartbeat before letting go and laying back down again.

Kara’s beginning to understand, now. Lena doesn’t want to wonder anymore, maybe if she knew where she came from, who she could’ve been, and what kind of life she could’ve led, existing wouldn’t be as hard as it is now. Maybe Lena wanted to know that a Luthor isn’t all that she is. Even though Kara has repeated again and again that she is so much more. Lena needs to figure that out for herself, Kara guesses.

Maybe, Lena finally needs a name other than what has been ingrained in her. Maybe Lena needs to name the parts of herself she never had before.

“Maybe you came from a family of thieves,” Kara murmurs, closing her eyes too.

“Kara.” she feels Lena shift, she opens one eye to see Lena propped on her elbows leaning over her. “Are you saying you think being a hoodie thief is genetic?”

“You never know, Lena you never know,” Kara manages to say, her brain a loop of, Lena’s eyes are so pretty, so pretty, so pretty, her hair smells so nice, please kiss me, please kiss-

Kara closes her eyes again to make the chanting stop.

“You do know I'm a scientist, right?”

“Mm. Doesn’t make you any less of a hoodie thief.”

That earns her a pillow on the face.

“Personally, I think you’re some lost princess though," Kara divulges.

Lena lets out a loud incredulous laugh at that.

“What?" Lena blurts out, "You think I’m a princess?”

There’s a cheesy pick-up line there somewhere that Kara chooses to ignore.

“Well, you have the whole Snow White look down to a T, after all. Pale skin, dark hair. The whole ensemble really.”

"I can't believe I'm agreeing to this," Lena groans, “but, I think you might be right. God, I even have the whole evil stepmother-stepbrother dynamic down. Does that make you one of my dwarfs?”

“Dwarf? Really? Lena, really?”

She’s glad to learn that Lena had picked up a thing or two from their Disney marathons. That doesn’t mean Kara appreciates being called a dwarf though. She sits up and leans back on her elbows too; their faces inches from each other now. Lena’s eyes gleaming with mischief.

“You turn into Grumpy when someone eats your ice cream.”

Kara gasps, clutches her heart as if wounded and falls down dramatically. Lena just laughs at her, lies down again before asking, “Think I’ll find Prince Charming there, then?”

“You don’t need Prince Charming.”

I’m right here.

“True,” Lena agrees. Lena doesn’t need anybody, although would it really hurt if she says that she needed Kara the way Kara needs her?

“Ireland seems like the best place to run off into the sunset though," Lena wonders aloud.

“Is that what you wanna do?” Kara asks, “Just run off into the sunset?”

Because, because, if it is, I can do something even better. I can fly you off into the sunset. All you have to do is ask. Her heart is galloping in her chest and she’s grateful that out of the two of them, she’s the only one with super hearing.

“No, I don’t think so,” Lena answers and Kara lets out a none too subtle breath of relief.

“You don’t have to search for a home, you know,” Kara whispers. She just- She just needs Lena to know this, okay?

“I know,” Lena answers. “I still need to do this though.”

Once Lena Luthor makes up her mind there’s no changing it, it’s something Kara’s come to know through the years.

“You’ll come back soon though?”

“Maybe. Honestly, Kara? I don’t really know about ‘soon’. How close is ‘soon’ anyway? Would there even be a good reason for me to come back?”

How Kara held her all screams in the moment Lena said that, she doesn’t know.

******

There are balloons and cake and confetti but it doesn’t feel anything remotely close to a party.

It feels more something along the lines of, train wreck and heartbreak and building on fire. In short, disaster.

She vaguely registers Kelly asking her to hover and hang the banner. Why would she want to hang a banner screaming “We”ll Miss You!” in glittering blue? Kara grabs the ends of it and hangs it up anyway.

We’ll Miss You doesn't even begin to cover Kara’s feelings about Lena’s departure and oncoming absence.

But then again, this isn’t about her.

The door buzzes before Kara can spiral down her blackhole again.

Andrea comes in through the door with a bottle of champagne, which she hands off to Kara along with her coat. Kara fumbles after Andrea.

This isn’t CatCo! I’m not your employee! And champagne? Really? What is there to celebrate?

Lena arrives shortly after and streamers are let out. They make in-jokes and everyone’s laughing and Alex keeps telling Lena to bring home ‘some of the good stuff’ and Brainy keeps asking if he’s allowed to tinker with Lena’s projects while she's away, and Nia’s handing Lena an old film camera, “Document everything for me? Alright?" and Kara’s trying, she really, really is.

Even though she can’t understand how all of them are happy and smiling at the thought of Lena leaving them.

She doesn’t even notice what she’s doing till she’s bracing herself for take-off out in Lena’s balcony, when a hand lands on her wrist.

“Hey.” Lena anchors her back to the ground. It’s a mistake to turn and meet Lena’s eyes.

“Stay? Please?” Lena asks.

Unfair, Kara thinks again. It’s unfair that she gets to ask that.

******

Kara stays.

She stays till the lights are off, the blankets drawn and Lena’s snoring in her arms.

She’s eyeing the suitcase at the corner of the room.

I forgive you, she thinks, I forgive you for taking my heart in the suitcase you packed.

She didn’t even know it was trapped inside till Lena’s zipping everything up and Kara couldn’t breathe.

“Please, please, don’t go,” she pleads into the dark. .

Lena shifts, mumbles incoherently and burrows deeper into Kara.

******

The runway is shimmering after the early morning drizzle, and Lena Luthor looks like someone from a magazine, standing there in her velvet coat and aviators. There’s only the two of them, and there’s a smug pride in Kara about the fact that Lena didn’t want anybody here but her.

She’s leaving today. In a few hours, they’ll be on different continents. Kara wouldn’t be able to trace her heartbeat anymore. Lena made her promise not to chase the plane. She’s still pretty bummed about that.

“You know I’m gonna call you everyday, right?” Kara mutters in her ear, arms wrapped tight around Lena.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from Kara Danvers.” Lena squeezes back, before pulling away.

“G-good.”

“Well, this is my ride,” Lena tells her, gestures to the jet behind her. “This is goodbye then.”

“For now.” Kara insists.

“For now.” Lena confirms, “Goodbye, for now.”

She turns to go but Kara can’t-

“Lena, wait.”

She tugs on Lena’s hand and she comes back to her willingly. Before Kara loses the nerve, she presses into Lena’s lips. She cups her face gently, feels the warmth of the sun on her cheeks, feels the moment Lena’s brain catches up to what’s happening.

It doesn’t taste like goodbye, Kara realizes. It tastes like a promise of something more.

“What was that for?” Lena breathes out, Kara can hear their hearts hammering in sync.

“Your reason to come back home.”

[special shoutout to @mssirey who gave great writing advice to this poor hapless writer（〃｀ 3′〃）i kith u on the forehead. ]

#if u see a typo no u dont #the reckless writer writes #a supercorp ficlet of sorts #here have a super self-indulgent fic before the next disaster of an ep drops #sg spoilers