#and my perception of myself is so off bc I thought I looked okay recently

[rollercoasterwords]

hey rae, i’m experiencing a bit of a moral dilemma (ish) bc like… i’ve always more or less had this view that its wrong on some level to like “police” people on the kind of media they are creating, even mainstream tbh and now… well… let’s just say a little bee flew in rather aggressively into my eardrums and it won’t stop buzzing about the moral implications and suddenly the pretty stable ground that i was standing on is slowing crumbling beneath my feet but like… that’s okay??? i’m accepting the fall bc i’m actually always thrilled to free fall. that is to say, i love the way things around me can make me question my own ideas of what i believe to be true sometimes like i love love love it. i love looking at smth ekth a new lens and more information and then yk, rebuilding thag ground with more stable material. anyways, sry i’m rambling, but you see, everything this bee was buzzing abt started to increasingly make more sense and like, i started to rly think about it in the way of like… evaluating the consequences right? like if a specific media trope has very real contributions to a stigma abt a certain group and manifests in the society in multiple ways, then rly, why can’t i condemn it? bc the way i used to look at it was like “well yes, the media is harmful, but like, i also don’t think we have the right to dictate other people’s liberties when it come to art”. but now… especially considering that this “art” is mainstream and like reaches millions of people, why tf not? bc when you rly put it on the scale, what has more weight, ppl being mad/annoyed that engaging with this is “bad” and they shouldn’t/ being limited in creating it or ppl suffering the real life implications of this. and to make myself a little clearer, the specific thing thag kinda made me realize this more was how media a lot of the times portrays certain mental illness in an overly negative and harmful way, and how in thrn, society discriminates against those individuals in part bc of the skewed perception thag media has portrayed about them. and i feel like this kinda of made me like… think more about this view that i used to defend strongly, and kinda of go, wait, hold up… and i’m still a little like… conflicted bc as much as like i say this, i don’t think there are any viable means of like combatting this issue bc at the end of the day, what creators for mainstream media want is money and these things get them money and so it’s never rly gonna stop, and i still am a little iffy on the idea thag it’s essentially like… an objective moral no no, but like i can see the other side more clearly and it’s just… man it’s so frustrating in a way. and like as much as some ppl may engage with their media critically and liek recognize these stereotypes and shit, a majority of ppl don’t and it’s so frustrating to see itttt. but yeah, idk im still like… gathering materials before fully building this floor, but like, what are your thoughts on this if any? (i’m literally going to everyone with this i an truly a menace, i need to talkkkk abt it like the way this brings me so much joy) (unfortunately i don’t have many ppl in my life that care or are willing to talk to me abt these things) (enter: rae)

hello!! interesting questions!! love that u are embracing the freefall of having a core belief challenged + opening urself to new ways of thinking rather than growing defensive + closing urself off!!

so, what i wanna start off by saying here is this: there is a very broad middle ground between "this art is bad and shouldn't exist/shouldn't be interacted with at all" versus "everyone should just create whatever they want with disregard for the consequences."

because different forms of art are going to be doing different things, reaching different audiences, and sending different messages. and there are plenty of ways that art/literature/media/etc can be harmful. for example, this recent open letter to the new york times is a great example of a critique on the way in which the nytimes' coverage of trans "issues" causes real-life harm to trans people. in this sort of instance, it's not okay for the nytimes to just continue writing as they have, however they want, because they have certain journalistic responsibilites which include not promoting/perpetuating harm against marginalized groups (not that they have an especially great track record in that regard, but i digress). part of critically evaluating media is evaluating whether that media has harmful real-life implications, and, if it does, figuring out whether/how to engage with that media in a way that does not perpetuate that harm.

so like--with the example you're talking about, portrayals of mental illness that contribute to stigma. part of evaluating those portrayals is going to start with asking what kind of media you're looking at, who it's reaching, and what it's trying to do. for example--a movie made by a large hollywood studio that's profiting off a stigmatizing portrayal of mental illness, reaching a broad audience, and contributing to widespread misconceptions is tangibly harmful, and it makes sense to vocally critique that portrayal or perhaps even encourage people not to engage with the movie at all, as it is profiting off something harmful. additionally, hollywood movies are invested in perpetuating a capitalist system such that they will often have an underlying goal of spreading messages/ideas that support that capitalist system, so there is much more to be wary of there in the intent of the media.

a fanfiction on the internet written by an individual that contains a stigmatizing portrayal of mental illness is something that is not accruing profit, not reaching a broad audience, and not harmful in the same way. an individual writing fanfiction on the internet is also not invested in perpetuating broader systems of capitalistic power in the same way a hollywood movie studio is, so the intent of their art is likely different. a better route here is probably to reach out to the individual, who probably wrote this portrayal out of ignorance and would most likely be open to educating themself and avoiding such portrayals in the future. this is a better response than trying to "cancel" the person completely, because it works to build community and has a much more direct impact in breaking the stigma around mental illness by educating an individual who previously internalized those stigmatized views.

when you're trying to critically evaluate a piece of media that contains something you view as potentially harmful, here are some important questions to ask:

who is making this? why are they making it? what is the stated goal of the creator(s) in creating this specific piece of media? are there any other goals that the creator is leaving unsaid?

who is the intended audience of this media? how large is that audience? in what ways is this media catered to appeal to that audience? what responsibilities does the creator hold towards that audience? will the audience response be monolithic, or is there room for varied impact amongst members of the same audience?

is this media a lecture or a conversation? is this media presenting a moral truth that i am expected to accept? or is it presenting moral questions and encouraging me to draw my own conclusions?

what role does profit play in the creation + distribution of this media? what systems of power is this media invested in upholding, if any? what institutions is this media invested in upholding, if any?

these are all questions which, depending on the answers, are going to change your evaluation on the media. this post kind of sums up what i mean, and i talk more here about when art becomes truly harmful. but also, i want to emphasize--engaging with media critically and coming to the conclusion that something is harmful is not the same thing as policing media, at least in my opinion. policing implies reinforcing set rules for how someone can or cannot create/engage with media, which doesn't allow for the necessary flexibility needed for actual critical thought. i think it's also important to note that policing typically says "if this media is Bad, you must destroy it/ignore it completely." but critically engaging with media means acknowledging harmful media when it exists, and analyzing why it exists + what it's trying to do. it also means acknowledging that not all media is going to fit cleanly into the harmful/harmless dichotomy. sometimes media will contain harmful stereotypes or stigmatizing portrayals in one sense, and really important representation or progressive ideas in another sense. other times, a portrayal that feels stigmatizing to one person will feel like representation to another. part of engaging critically with media means evaluating what it's doing as a whole and accounting for both the good and the bad. at the end of the day, we can't solve problems by refusing to engage with them at all, y'know?

#ask #ranting and raving

[slutabed]

*

#tw: body image #tw: eating disorders #oof I knew I’d been gaining weight lately and I’ve been trying not to weigh myself #and working from home was fine bc I was just in sweats all day LOL #and now my work clothes are mostly fine except the pants that didn’t fit bc things aren’t cut to be so form fitting for work #but I went out with my brother and his wife last night and we took pictures #and fuck I look horrible #and it’s not even just size like there are people bigger and smaller than me who look amazing #it’s just my body I look fucking horrible and misshapen and awful #and my perception of myself is so off bc I thought I looked okay recently #but like last year I thought I was enormous when I was losing weight to the point that my ex was like ‘where did you go??’ when he saw me #like pre-pandemic I was just disappearing and I wish I could’ve seen that and appreciated it lol #bc now I look fucking awful and then I saw some family today for a socially distanced bday celebration #and in the pictures #god I hate it so much #it’s like everything about me is just wrong #skin hair face eyebrows body #i can’t hide behind filters in real life and without them I truly look like a monster I don’t even look human #and you’d think I’d be old enough by now to not care about looks!!! looks shouldn’t be important!!! #except I’ve been skinny and bigger and I’ve been cute & blonde and I’ve been whatever I am now #and people fucking treat me differently based on how I look and it’s awful to know now I’m back in the ‘doesn’t deserve respect’ category #I’ll delete this I just #it’s always harder to be bigger in the summer bc clothes are smaller and it’s hot and I’m just uncomfortable in my skin all the time #I want to be swaddled in at least three layers of clothing and blankets at all times

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

#purity culture #sex talk #christianity #sex and relationships #sex and religion #mylife #answered asks #aspec #cw sex

[gayspock]

komaeda

(starts chasing you)

How I feel about this character lets embarass ourselves right off the bat. because you know? you know what? ive got horrifyingly complicated feelings. and its like... jesus god... (shakes head)

i guess its just.... he's just separate entities now, isnt he? IM NOT TRYING TO- you know.... like im not trying to make it all so much more than it is, but it kinda just happens. like- he's sort of become a punchline on this site in particular, whether that be fingers in his ass sunday (good lord, thats rotten to say like that) or a "cursed" "meme" (ACK!) post or whatnot. but then there's also the VERY removed fan interpretation of him, in its mant variations, and that- well... a lot of those versions of him are also fucking loathsome.

but then for me personally. i dont know. i also have multiple different perspectives on him, in of itself. does that make sense?

because jeez, man- LIKE... he genuinely DID mean a lot to me as a younger teen. JOKES aside he was hilariously quite special to me which god bless your fucking soul... when i first interacted with DR, i did quite sincerely obsess over him and obviously. that did sort of... morph over time, then? because- you know how it is.... when you're in a "fandom space", your perceptions will shift and change with it (i do have a ramble about that locked and loaded im specifically going to stop myself from getting into here GOD bless) and i know with himit did become several layers of well im still obsessed, well this is a joke, well this this embarrassing, this that and the other... etc. etc. etc. lalala. i think its fun and cute to do that you know and get yourself all twisted into silly knots that you cant explain to anyone, not even yourself<3

BUT FR. now looking back on it its like.... if i just strip it back. i do still really do like him as a character, yknow? funnily enough. and i do still identify with some aspects of how i felt before but... with a hopefully slightly more mature perspective? LIKE- OKAY... RIGHT. LIKE. I THINK WHAT KIND OF EMBARASSES ME THE MOST is like... his whole little inferiority complex and very particular thought proocesses (DO be quiet...</3) really were things i found a lot of solace in (shut up</3) as a 16 y.o and its like bestie... in many ways im still like god. well yeah. but also its like cmon if we have to be like that does it have to be through fucking komaeda..... because like also obviously, along with my perspective on him, i dont rlly feel the same way abt DR as a whole as i once did. obviously. now im like- HELL im strikingly indifferent to it now. huh. weird. BUT EH.

All the people I ship romantically with this character you know its funny. i dont actually get.... invested-invested in "ships" and dying by particular ones. LIKE- for the most partits like i do LIKE certain dynamics and think theyre fun to entertain but i rarely ever have dedicated a whole lot of my interaction with a certain media to just that with like... the exceptions of j*hnlock when i was 13 and the MUCH later appreciation for spirk (though obviously i love other parts of tos- but they are an actual pairing where im like ok.. sniff sniff yah.. and did have a particular grip on me for a hot sec) AND........................................ komahina.................. which also fucking. yeah. i guess its just a fucking. every 5 years i get something wrong with me. thats actually a very funny regular schedule.

i dont think i do seriously commit to anything else, though. i liked the ot3 with them and nanami but i dont know how i feel about komaeda/nanami or if its just hinata has TWO hands. i really havent revisited SDR2 recently enough to properly assess that but my inclination is still a "uhhh, idk..." bc i do v much see komaeda as a gay man. im not opposed to some naegi/komaeda sentiments but i also dont rlly take that aboard more than like a passing haha sure moment rather than any proper exploration of it.

My non-romantic OTP for this character hmm... not sure! i think i need to revisit for some more specific interactions bc hell its been a LONG time since i replayed sdr2... but even then. i think any "brotp" type pairings WOULD be very much in the realm of hypothetical headcanoning - bc you know... HELP. he isnt offered much in the text. i think ive always liked the idea of like... komaeda being friends with anyone else from his class if he had the proper chance. and i think, like as i said above, with him, hinata and nanami if they WERE together it'd obviously be with him and nanami being besties but i guess thats also hard to asses with so much distance from the damn thing

My unpopular opinion about this character hhow.... hhoow. i think. chrit. I DONT KNOW HOW YOU KNOW. unpopular..... i think the interpretations of komaeda can be so fucking insane to the wall yet somehow so rampant that its literally so hard for me to say sth does tha tmake any sense.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon i wish he wasnt in danganronpa. i wish none of the cast of the first two games were in danganronpa. i wish dr3 was better despite the fact i had a lot of fun on this blog in 2016. i wish i wish i wish upon stars but ultimately its fine if none of it comes true ive made my peace <3

#egg yells back #Anonymous

[rocketdocket]

We need to talk.

Recently, I’ve been struggling some with my mental health/emotional stability. And a lot of that is centered around stuff I’ve struggled with before, mainly: shame, my #1 trigger. And digging into my old counseling work, my biggest weapon against shame and in building what we call “shame resilience” in the past has been the work of Brene Brown. And something she talks about a lot (in addition to a lot of other things, like self-compassion and owning your story), is authenticity.

And by this she doesn’t mean like "don't be fake" but like... shame is rooted in the fear of being found unworthy of love and belonging. And it's not a dichotomy, like there's not Authentic and Inauthentic, like people think. We are all at times authentic and our "true" selves, and at times inauthentic by concealing parts of our truths and trying to "people please" or sell ourselves out if we feel uncomfortable or vulnerable. And that's okay. All people do this. But like, it's important to cultivate that knowledge of "I am worthy of love and belonging right now, as I am, I cannot BE perfect, I want to APPEAR perfect, and I cannot control other people's perceptions of me. So in fact attempting perfection is really a roadway TO shame, bc you can never please everybody, and when you can't the convo becomes "I failed, I'm unloveable, I'm imperfect" while you're also hiding and ignoring who you are." that's not a direct quote but a paraphrase. but anyway this is a direct quote: "Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: 'If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame."

I was reflecting on where i'm inauthentic in my life, and i already knew that i live in a lot of different places in my life about different things, and often times that's my sexuality, but that's an important uncompromising inauthenticity in many of those places so that's okay. but i've always kind of felt that tumblr was one of the few places I was nearly 100% authentic. It was one of the few places i could be authentic without fear of "real life" consequences. but i was thinking about it and i was like WOW. lately i've really been straying from that and not being authentic on my tumblr at all. and if i can't be authentic in the only place i list as my place of near complete authenticity, then i'm really in trouble. Because being open to vulnerability is being open to love and joy and connection with others.

Because, thinking about it: I feel comfortable being openly gay on my tumblr, but I don't feel comfortable changing my bio to "lesbian" even though I want to. I feel comfortable talking about being mentally ill and getting personal on my blog, but I don't feel comfortable reblogging 99% of the stuff I want to, I just like it and/or ignore it instead. And i'm not even talking about controversial posts that might be better/safer to keep off my blog. I'm talking about other fandom stuff. I become consumed with thoughts of shame about liking certain tv shows or celebrities and being fans of them, I convince myself that if I reblogged stuff about that people wouldn't like it/me and then unfollow me and i'd lose my tumblr friends, etc.

and it's like....... why????

tumblr is truly the lowest risk/consequence game. I reblog some stuff about a celeb i like, and i lose some followers. So? I lose followers i'm friends with. Okay? They'll still be there when I message them. Why restrict myself and allow myself shame over something so small and so trivial in a place that's meant to be my most authentic I can be, a place where I can be honest about my sexuality and my mental illness. Really the only place I can be honest and 100% candid about both. And if I can't do it with the trivial stuff, how can I begin to tackle the bigger things?

anyway. this is a very long-winded way of saying that for the next little while at least, i want to do a mini experiment with myself, and claim authenticity. I want to change my tumblr bio and start blogging normally. If i like a post/pic of a celeb or fandom, i'm going to reblog it. i'm going to push through the fear of losing followers or getting pushback and just do it. liberate myself from this small area of shame and worry and fear, and see how that reflects in the rest of my life. see if that extends into my real life, in being a more confident and happy and real person who feels more comfortable confronting shame in other areas, not in big heavy topics like sexuality but the small things, the little criticisms that come from living life and going to work: anything from "you do this wrong" or "why haven't you done this" to "that shirt is ugly" lol.

Just. claim it. She says, name it, talk about it, own your story, tell your story. Talking about shame makes it lose its power. And I’ve found that to be true. Recovery isn’t a one time thing with a beginning and an end. It’s a decision you have to make every day, and sometimes you’re tired or it’s hard and you don’t make that decision for a moment or a while. But I want to get back into the habit again. Because practice makes it easier, and living healthy is a hell of a lot easier than living sick.

#if you (maybe) notice some changes to my tumblr in the coming weeks; this is why #altho i'm still going to be posting like 1 post a day lol bc my work schedule is such a nightmare so you probs won't notice but *shrug emoji #personal / #long post / #mental illness//// #shame///

[toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account]

Well, pride month doesn't start for another day or two, but I feel like now's as good a time as any to say it.

Recently, I've been thinking over how I feel and re-evaluating things I haven't questioned since high school (which probably happened because of quarantine for the most part), and I've realized that the way I've been labeling myself just doesn't work for me anymore. I tried to keep making the label work for me, but it felt like trying to put a square peg in a round hole; I started feeling like each time I was particularly vocal about using this label, there was often a part of me that was trying to convince myself that it was still true.

But I've realized that for a long time, I've been trying to force a label to work for me that just... doesn't. At least, not as well as it used to. I think I've been constricting myself with it more than using it to feel proud and free, and by doing that, I feel like it defeats the purpose of labeling my sexuality at all; having a label for myself (or not!) is supposed to be something that feels true to me, that makes me feel free and proud of myself.

And I don't think I can do that if I keep trying to hold onto a label that doesn't work for me anymore, just because it used to - just because it was, for years, so closely tied to how I saw myself and the world.

So, I know it would be more ceremonial to say something like this on the start of pride month, but I feel like I've been going on for too long already without being the most authentic version of myself I can be right now, so I'm just going to say it now.

I'm bisexual.

I have a preference for women, but nonetheless, I am bisexual.

For five years, since my sophomore year of high school, I considered myself a lesbian, but I realize now that much of my trying to make the lesbian label work for me was rooted in my own internalized biphobia; I was scared of labeling myself as bi because, regrettably, I felt like it would be more of a "disappointing" label for myself than lesbian, even though I know that's just flat-out ridiculous now, and I regret ever thinking that for a moment. I never thought that way about other bisexuals, and I've always thought bisexuality was amazing; the thought of it being "disappointing" pertained only to my own perception of my own sexuality, but it was nonetheless an awful misconception I had to let go of. And I have.

In high school, I had also been in a very toxic and unhappy relationship with a manipulative boy who would constantly use his strict religion to guilt trip and manipulate me (I would even go so far as to say he was emotionally abusive), as I had identified as bisexual when I'd entered the relationship (even though he never called it as such because his religion didn't let him date until 16 but that's a whole different essay). Because of that, the bisexual label felt like a trap even though the relationship itself was the real trap and I associated it with the fear of being stuck in an unhealthy/unhappy relationship with a man again.

Once he finally got fed up and broke things off in an awful argument (on my 16th birthday!), I started labeling myself as a lesbian. For a long time, the label felt very safe; for a while, the thought of ever being with a man again felt suffocating, so going by the lesbian label, and "writing out" the scenario of a boy hurting me again, felt very freeing to me.

But recently, the label has been more suffocating than liberating. Instead of honestly thinking "I love being a lesbian!", I think "Okay, I'm a lesbian, BUT-" or staying away from/feeling bad for seeing content I like bc it made me realize more and more that I wasn't a lesbian - something I did not want to realize - and I've always been explaining away when I think a man is good looking (ex. Being like "I'm a lesbian but DAMN Robert Sheehan/Henry Cavill/Joey Batey), and more than anything, I've been doing mental gymnastics to try to prove to myself why the lesbian label still fit, because it felt easier than letting the label go.

But it's not easier.

It's been exhausting, really. It just made me feel confused and angry at myself, and I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to keep lying to myself and trying to convince myself of something that isn't true. I just want to be authentic with how I describe myself, and as much as saying I was a lesbian worked before, putting that label to rest is my first step in doing that. Maybe I'll use it again later in life, or maybe I'll use another label (or I'll cast them aside altogether!), but right now, at this moment, I'm choosing a label that will help make me feel at peace with myself, something I'm sure we all need for ourselves right now.

So...

💖💜💙

#also dont fucking use this as a way to invalidate l3sbians (just censoring so it doesnt get caught up in the l3sbian tag) #and say that they're faking it/in denial/just dont know they like men/etc #dont use me finally accepting this truth about myself to shit on l3sbians i swear to fucking god #mine #guess this is my coming out (again) post #biphobia tw #internalized biphobia tw

[sadstonershawty]

not that i thought genuinely that me and anthony were going somewhere bc i always have that thing in my head that’s like “this won’t last”....but i did feel like we were going SOMEWHERE emotionally. i don’t know where that somewhere was. i can’t help but feel like it’s over tho. idk if that’s my inner skeptic/cynic, or if it’s my intuition (which i think is one of my bigger issues.. my emotions are so strong that sometimes they flood out my intuition and i end up having trouble discerning between the two). part of me also feels tho like it’s not over. like something else will happen but i’m not quite sure what. it would really suck tho if, after the shit me and anthony have cultivated together (even if it is JUST some type of connection), he’s just ghosting me or something. i just would really hope that he would feel more emotionally responsibility than to just never talk to me again.

i think i also need to stop reading so much into it and stop giving him the benefit of the doubt, and just start taking shit at face value. bc what else am i supposed to do? after all, giving him that extra bonus just hurts me. like thinking “oh maybe he’s just doing this to see if i’ll make the extra effort to reach out” instead of seeing him not texting me back (yet still texting me sometimes?) is just him being uncommunicative and unreliable. i mean i knew i couldn’t fully depend on him like that esp at this juncture anyways. so i can’t say it’s THAT shocking. but it’s just fucking annoying. like if he’s just busy i wish he’d fucking say that. i’m a very understanding person and i would understand that 100%. bc i’m a supportive friend at the end of the day that really genuinely wants to see all the ppl in my life doing well and being happy.

i feel like, however, i have finally really accepted that whatever is meant to be in my life will be no matter what. and it’s weird...bc me and anthony seem to have found our way back to each other a couple times now. like we hung out in high school and he said himself he was so drugged out and depressed that’s why he ghosted me back then. so i don’t fr fault him for that (particularly since i already gave him shit for it and i can tell he knows it was shitty). but when i broke things off w him he still didn’t unfollow me, he still viewed my stories. and while i was the one to initiate us talking again most recently, he didn’t act differently towards me. like surprisingly enough he seems to have welcomed me back as if nothing’s changed each time (“welcome me back” the way anthony does anyways lol, but i know and have a pretty good understanding of him and do see that the things he does mean more than the things he doesn’t say bc i know he’s not good w words and that’s jus simply not how he shows his emotions fr). i don’t think fr that we’re like DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER, bc i’m very aware how much shit would have to change (like his mild drug addiction) for us to work. and like genuinely change, not just change FOR ME, which isn’t something i can force and i know that.

but i did our tarot cards type shit tonight and what i got from it was basically that i’m good/solid, how i’m going abt this is good/solid. i just need to be patient—- (w that said tho, i’ll only “wait” for so long before it’s dead to me....that means if he hasn’t texted me in like a week aka tuesday type shit it’s DEAD. i know i can have and also fucking deserve someone that holds space for me and does all the shit i want/need in a relationship. which i’m realizing more and more , what i thought i want/needed is not actually fr the case. the things i thought i wanted like a clingy type of person isn’t actually what’s good for me. the type that coos at me how beautiful i am and how great i am.....again, that usually overwhelms me and i’m seeing more that those types are ALMOST ALWAYS all talk. that doesn’t mean anthony is forsure the person for me, but i’m realizing what i thought i wanted is kind of the opposite of what i truly want and need from someone) —— and i also got that i cannot carry this shit on my own. i can’t make something work if i’m not being met halfway. more importantly , it’s not fucking fair to ME. i have done that so fucking much in the past that i can’t do it anymore and i am trying my best to simply NOT do that anymore. i’m becoming more precious to me in my mind, where i don’t want to put myself in these uncomfortable positions. because i really just deserve so much???? and i don’t have to settle lmao. at all. i accept that all the bullshit i’ve let into my life/condoned in the past was all for this feeling. i can’t be sad that “it took me this long” bc i am here now. and everything is as it’s meant to be. and i accept that. i accept all of the “bad” things. bc they weren’t bad things in hindsight. i wouldn’t be the same, had i not gone thru all of that. *i am as i should be and everything is fine* ........ but anyways, back to the tarot cards lol (bc i guess i’m so ADD even when i journal out my thoughts directly i end up rambling.. whatever hahaha it’s cool to read over in the future and see exactly where my mind was going and the exact thought processes without trying to edit myself or make it make sense to others bc i fr always be knowin what i mean lmao), i think it was also saying that fr we could have a future together tho. that doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed. but i think it was saying that if anthony can meet me halfway we can cultivate good, beautiful things together. but that doesn’t happen from pressing things or rushing shit. it doesn’t happen from backing someone into a corner and trying to fucking convince them to love me.

even if we don’t work out, even if he does/is ghosting me, i have learned honestly so much from this. i don’t think JUST this situationship, i think it’s a mix of things.....but i do think all of this is supposed to be happening rn. bc this is truly banging it into my head that i can’t force things, and when i hold tightly onto things that’s when they’re taken away from me. and by letting things run their course without expectations of the outcome or without some sort of timeline for shit; i cultivated a connection w someone i really never thought i would have any type of connection w at all??? and also learning by seeing that if u give someone the space without being so forceful to open up, and giving them the time, they will come to u at some point at least to some degree. forcing shit is just not the move and i don’t want to live like that anymore. i’ve been forcing the river to flow the way i wanted it to and that was causing me so much fucking pain and suffering. it was making everything in my life crumble. although that was a mistake, i am thankful for that. bc it made new things and ways of being emerge. i don’t want to go back to that way of being, so i won’t. i will let things come and go because that is the way of life. and it’s okay to let things go bc if they’re meant to be life will make that intersect again. when it’s right. or even not when it’s right; just to test u or end up teaching u a lesson in the end if u fail that test.

i have to trust myself , i have to stop doubting my emotions and my perception of things. because i’m not dumb. again, even if anthony does ghost me, i have to trust that what i saw and felt weren’t false. even if i slightly perceived things incorrectly , as i’m not a mind reader, and even as a very intuitive and perceptive being i am wrong sometimes. but i’m not dumb. i am not (esp at this point in time) THAT desperate for love that i would fabricate everything in my head. i might be wrong abt minor things that i perceive in these types of situations. but i know i’m not fuckin making up our connection in my head . like even w chad, where i’m over it enough to see it pretty fuckin clearly, (aka was prolly the most self destructive thing i let myself do this year lol) i may have fabricated the person he was in my head based on what he COULD BE (bc i’m the type of person that wants to see the good in ppl, where sometimes i lose my grip w reality and again, read into things and give ppl the benefit of the doubt TOO much based on incorrect assumptions), but i know i didn’t fabricate our like connection. i think realistically, he enjoyed the affection and attention i gave him more than he did the real me. but i don’t think he literally “didn’t care abt me” like gyen tried to say. which i think she was jus tryna protect me when she said that so i don’t take that to heart anymore. and even telling ken and vanessa (two of the most intuitive ppl i know lol), they told me they think he has some sort of feelings for me too as i thought. and i know that both of them aren’t the type to jus feed me bullshit. especially since i know they deeply care abt me and they know how i am sometimes aka go in headstrong if i think the other person has feelings (which again, proud of myself bc i haven’t done that here and i won’t again i’m promising myself rn). realizing how anthony is w him being an “actions and little shit OVER words” type of person, i see that he does have feelings for me on some level. seeing how he would explain himself to me even when i didn’t ask. and seeing how he started looking at me. seeing how at the beginning of us hanging out it would be ME that forced him to give me a hug when i left bc that isn’t his first inclination....and then how that developed into him starting to hug me on his own when he left.....and then to kissing me on the forehead as he hugged me..and then to actually kissing me when he left. especially how at the beginning of us reconnecting in like january, we wouldn’t fr talk that much (which tbh i’ve always liked in us bc we can jus chill without every moment being filled w talking...in a good way) and would ALWAYS have sex. to then, these past couple weeks when we’ve been hanging out he was actually the one not wanting to have sex bc he wanted to like just hang out ???? i know that i can sometimes see meaning in things that don’t always have meaning .....but again, i really do not think i’m making all of it up in my head. i think w someone that doesn’t express their feelings verbally very well, he was showing me in his own “anthony” way he cared deeply abt me.

((((( it does make me proud tho abt how far i’ve come seeing how i’m handling all this. i’m so reactionary and i know i’ve had the impulse to message him and go off a couple times now, but the fact that i’m giving him space and i’m not wracking my brain like “oh what if he’s w another bitch wah wah wah 😭” (esp since as i’m typing this the thought did come across my mind esp since when we were together i know he wasn’t physically w any other bitches since we spent so much fuckin time together, and i did see he still had the tinder app on his phone when we were hanging) but at the end of the day i know what a bad bitch i am. i know how amazing and wholesome and vast my love is. i know how intelligent and giving and warm i am. i’m becoming secure in myself enough to not worry abt other bitches bc while it’s not a competition, i’m not BETTER than anyone, i know there isn’t another girl like me. and the right person will see that without me having to prove that to them by overextending myself and shit. so even if he is w another girl.....okay? and he’ll see what a great fuckin girl i am esp if he is hanging w other girls lmao ))))))

so to reiterate myself, even if this is the end.....i’m okay w it. i respect that if that’s what comes , that’s what is supposed to happen u know? but i need to respect myself ; and if i’ve given anthony plenty of space and it doesn’t look like he’s coming back..then i’m cutting that bridge. i don’t need to leave so many doors open. bc i’ve done that and it’s exhausting. it’s exhausting to not close doors out of fear of things completely ending. and at the end of the day it’s not respectful to myself and my peace of mind. i haven’t decided fully if i want to say something to him in the case if he does ghost me or whatever. bc my initial inclination is of course to go off on him. but i’m learning my intial inclination is not always right. sometimes i feel torn between that, or not saying anything at all and just completely blocking him without saying a word just so he’ll know he fucked up/end up regretting it. but if that’s why i would do that then i’m not sure it’s in my greater good because i just don’t fr think i should do something just to make someone “feel a way” that i have no idea that they will actually feel. like it’s possible if i did that, he wouldn’t feel anything at all. maybe he wouldn’t even notice lmao. which i kinda doubt fr. i also need to check my real motives if i were to go off on him as a way of cutting that bridge. bc i always say it’s for my peace of mind to “close that door” but it might also sometimes be a way of reaching out one last time to GET that remorse. so maybe that’s why blocking someone on everything completely scares me? bc i wouldn’t ever know if they felt bad, which i think would make me feel weird. but i think maybe sometimes it’s good to just do that. idk. i guess i’ll cross that bridge when and if i get to it. i fr hope he would give me some sort of explanation, but i know i’ve felt before like someone SHOULD give me that out of respect for me. however on the flip i also know how much guys in general struggle w taking responsibility. and it seems like no guys my age , even AROUND my age, can fuckin do that. (which might explain my urge to go off on guys in situations like these. bc i think maybe my thought process is “if they won’t hold themselves responsible or try to make excuses for themselves, I WILL hold them responsible” and tbh rn i don’t have enough perspective to sort out if that’s toxic/damaging to myself or not...... food for thought tho lol. i’ll def think abt that more. bc we out here BREAKING FUCKING TOXIC AND SELF DESTRUCTIVE CYCLES RN BABY!!!!!!)

[in-paradox-space]

That dream keeps coming back to me.

Everything I do, I think of it.

I was in an evening class that I’m taking this year. I was late at usual, I always miss education. I don’t show up half the time. So I had to write down and retain every single thing that was being said. 

I have to catch up from what is implied in the context. I also have to work to compensate for what I’ll miss in my next absent lesson.

Quickly jotting down and scribbling. In pencil. It’s messy. Watching the teachers movements, she didn’t want us to write at that point but I had to retain it. 

This girl next to me, she was crying. I must’ve known for a while but it’s all hazy. 

Fat girl, same age, wearing a white shirt. Kind of like a school shirt. 

I didn’t even process the fact that she was fat in the dream. Maybe the subconscious of my subconscious picked it up but I wasn’t acknowledging it for a second.

I knew I had just 5 minutes to quickly write everything I had to and more until the lesson began properly. Comprehending it and shortening to keywords, underlining the pieces that I’d need to learn later.

 I knew she was crying. She was at my right side, next to me. She was on the end of the long extension of 2 person table/desks. Typical white classroom, those curved, hard plastic chairs. It’s like a white, hard, wooden/plastic table with that little pebble-dashed pale grey pattern on it. The window was to the right, behind her. It lead onto a kind of road, in my dream the room for the classroom was in an industrial area but that’s just how it goes.

That’s just how it goes.

So, I knew I needed to do my work. I also knew it was my duty to try to make sure she’s alright.

I ignored her for about a minute, tried to prioritize what I wrote. I was thinking, I’ll speak to her afterwards.

The classroom kept going on, I felt guilty, sort of conscious that other people may notice that I’m just ignoring this girl who is in tears, in tatters.

I glanced at her to assess the situation.

White shirt collar, open kind of wide in a comfortable, unrestricted manner. She had some bits of pink fleece and grey kind of high school jumper material, mixed together in dream fog. I don’t know if I saw her with a white shirt on because it’s an association from high school or if that’s just what her style is like.

She had lightish brown hair, the kind that looks like a matte, disheveled grey. It’s not technically grey, it’s brown. Not like old grey. I would tell everyone that their hair is grey - when I was younger - because to me it only looks like grey. If you put them next to someone with brown hair they look different. They didn’t like it when I said their hair looks grey. They said it’s brown; that baffled me. I didn’t understand why nobody acknowledged it

but yeah, in that sunlight it looked grey; a little greasy and sort of held back in a bobble.

She was absolutely balling her eyes out. Folder and papers on a desk, her face is slipping in and out of her hand, bottom lip opening and closing in the air to make way for the sound of her incessant crying.

I knew I couldn’t ignore it, but I went back to writing it down. My undereyes kept tensing, it was maybe painful. Knowing that I’m actively ignoring her while I hear her cries meshing in to the humdrum of the classroom.

I dropped my pen onto the desk; I couldn’t ignore it. I asked her what’s up?  She kept on crying. Normally I wouldn’t do this but it was a dream, I put my arm around her, let her know she’s not alone through human contact. I asked “what’s wrong? Are you okay?” (something like that) my arm resting into the light squishiness of her back, hand growing warmer on her shoulder. She couldn’t really get the words out, ‘its just’, still sobbing and hiding her face. I was telling her its ok, trying to comfort her. My chair was touching hers, I was embracing her from my side. 

So she told me something like: ‘your writing. It’s so perfect. The grammar. There’s not a single problem with your grammar, how is it so flawless. You know just what to write, you’re so smart’. My handwriting was a total mess. It was like a bomb hit the page. Like I was writing it on a bus. Just some keywords, messy underlinings and a couple of quick half-sentences. There was hardly any grammar there. I think she was referring to the Korean writing though (it’s a Korean class I go to at uni once a week). I’m a fresh beginner. I had a tiny bit of practice from home, like 2 months of here and there home studying before the course. It’s a little more familiar to me than most of the others and I’ve picked up on that. 

I don’t exactly know what she was implying, but I was embracing her to the point where it was basically 1/3 of a hug. I do think, however, she was implying she’s absolutely terrible at it and that was the reason she was crying. She must have had very low self esteem and felt more insecure and hopeless that she wasn’t picking it up that easily. Now that I think of it, she reminds a little of, my older sister, just a bit, a girl called Catherine I used to go to college with, who liked Minecraft lets plays, FNAF and was quite autistic. She struggled with studies and had super low self esteem. She could work untold wonders with a passion and uniquely shaped mind like hers though.

well, I was taken aback by that. I wasn’t sure what to say, ‘uh no it isn’t.’ ‘yours is a lot better’, I know nothing about her so I cant say that. I didnt know how to ask if thats the problem, I was thinking what to say. I couldnt use icebreaker questions and small talk because it was an awful time for it. She was devastated, I was slightly wondering if she went through something awful recently. It seems like her perception was telling her she had no use in the world.

I was looking at my book, at my desk, attention divided towards her, wondering what my next move would be. I was trying to comfort her, but failing. She was going into panic mode, gasping on her tears, she pulled out some herbal supplements from her bag. I recognized the bottle as Nature’s Best,  I thought they was 5-htp which I bought. People use them for depression and anxiety because they turn into serotonin. It was something else, the tablet was a see-through grey like cod liver oil pods but not orange. She drank it or put it into some cereal looking travel mug container idek its a blur whatever. It was a response to her attack, it seemed, anyway.

I thought great, that’s something we can bond on in order to get talking. I was like hey, I use supplements from them too. Natures Best, right? She got her red bag and said I’m sorry, wiping away her tears, she swiftly walked out of the door behind us, down the classroom. Then left, with her pinkish smoky coloured fleecy top. Walking and jogging slowly into the empty road, grey skies, damp from previous rainfall, in the industrial zone. The ones where there’s still houses and buildings to rent but the view is just of grey spiky fences and overgrown abandoned lots.

I was going to chase her, I looked at the teacher, asked if I could go. She looked frustrated said no. dont go. I decided teacher knows best and it’d be foolish not to listen to her.

looking back, I think the girl was a metaphor for my sister, or all the girls I’ve hurt. Hurt with my ignorance, with, idk just how I am. Maybe because I try so hard to look good and impress people, so I dont feel embarrassed or ashamed of myself or whatever, it works. Maybe they believe I’m actually as amazing as i try to seem and that makes them inferior. Maybe I don’t notice because im just trying to make sure I dont come off as sleazy, maybe i dont notice how they actually feel bc im just thinking of myself. I’ve also been fairly abusive to my sister as well. She was on the chubby side, kind of looked like that in school, cried a lot. I mean, I had my reasons for being that way, she was hard to live with but, if we actually need to blame anyone which we dont, my mother should have resolved the issues we all had with each other. Now, they’ve lived on into adulthood and we have to assume how to fix them ourselves.

or, when I’m asleep at that time, my baby nephew, one and a half, is always crying and crying AND SCREAMING AND SOBBING AND EXCLAIMING A CRYING SCREAM OF DREAD, ANGUISH, PAIN AND SUFFERING. It’s Hellish. I was at a friends house, sleeping in a comfy, cozy, quiet bed away from any noise. There was no babies crying but, every single morning without dread, I hear him screaming and howling like a jackal. So when I’m in that deep sleep state of mind, the pathways of my brain must now be wired to accommodate for the tormented squealing of his tire-screeching wails.

So, idk, there was crying, in my subcionscious and it was associated with my sister. Associated with idk, chubby girls with brown hair, who i probably see as struggling with mental tasks such as academia. Whether they lack the knowledge and capabalities or not, they certainly lack the mindset, the self belief and perseverance to keep trying... which in turn yields the same result as being incapable, if not to them then to their perception of self and world. . So, she was crying, and I think it’s a metaphor for both what my negative impact is on my baby nephew and thus, his mother, my sister. She walked out the door, she left our moment together because she idk, she didn’t want to experience any of that. She was hyperventilating crying and just wanted out of the situation; maybe to cry and be sad. Or to do something she realized she had to do, for herself or whatever. 

I basically saw that as her quitting the course and giving up for good instead of trying. Then, I knew I had to chase her. I was fully ready to go run out that door, go through a very emotional chat and get to the bottom of everything. Inspirational speech, help her with whatever troubles. Assure her that she’s great, reflect her good side to her. Calm down her breathing rate, crack a quick joke to remind her what laughter feels like and walk her back into class. 

Yet, the teacher was cross, sternly shook her head and briefly instructed me not to before continuing her lecturing. She knew I’d missed enough already and wasn’t going to just tell me to miss more because one student has disrupted the workflow. Rightly so, I understood and respected her judgement, yet my heart still felt for her. I kept peering out of my window, into the light glowed up in the poofiness of the lighter clouds, covering all trace of blue on the horizon.

So in conclusion, the crying girl was a metaphor for my family, all of those I need to look out for, compromise with and help move forward. The teacher instructing me to use mind over mood, discipline myself and focus on work is my ambition. My desire for a better life, the knowing that I need to sacrifice my desires, my relationships and even often my conscience for the greater good of my future. Of my ambitions, of my businesses, of my legacy, of what I’ll leave behind, for my self. Otherwise... I’ll be stuck crying with them, gawking at the more admirable traits that others have as opposed to myself. 

If I was to chase her, I’d be walking away in the same direction with her. All you can really do is hope she straightens up herself, otherwise, the other option would be doing nothing.

So, that’s what I think that is. I had that dream when I drifted back to sleep after 1pm, monday, 21st Oct 2019. It’s all I could think about all day that day. A fat girl crying. I was jaded all day. Contemplative, even when I got home, I lay in bed, i felt ill after being around pets the whole weekend, eating literally uncountable masses of junk food. I kept sighing mentally, thinking back to the girl who kept sobbing to my right, I didn’t notice she was chubby until after when I reflected. I felt responsible. Then the day after (today) I was thinking of it. 

Then, this evening, just today. I was in the classroom, late as usual. I creeped in, teacher talking about many points. Straight away my pad and pen was out, scribbling. I noticed after a while, a kinda chubby girl, brown hair (actually vibrant in colour though), colorful fleece, was to my right. She was on the corner part of the table, no more chairs to the right. She seemed completely emotionally intact, however.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Every note I made I felt bad. I felt guilty. I felt scared, that maybe I’d upset her. I didn’t want to dominate her subliminally. I did know a little extra stuff like conjugations that hadn’t been taught yet and I was writing those down, wondering if she’s noticed. I couldn’t handle it, I looked at her pad, I had to compliment her. It must have been a sign, a vision, that came in a dream. I even considered asking her what she was doing at that time, when the dream occurred, I considered telling her about the dream. All sorts of forward things to strike a conversation with.

In the end, at breaktime, I asked her name. Straight away told her “your writing is so neat. Oh my God. How is your handwriting so neat? That’s unbelievable, wow!”. It was actually incredibly neat by the way I’ll proclaim that right now. Especially the hangul characters, they’re unfamiliar for us pretty much. They was small, spaciously together, in correct proportions, no lines bending the wrong way. When I write them wow, one is too big, a middle vowel will take up the bottom then i sort of squash the last really big consonant underneath, overlapping to the below line. It’s all disproportionate, just a mess... and thats just the English writing. 

So yeah, I didn’t tell her any of that dream stuff or whatever. We got talking. She’s doing third year maths at the uni. Took the course to bump her credits up which improves her overall grade. So she’s been taking it very seriously, she said she went over every single word in the textbook last night. She wants to pass. She’s clearly strong willed, intellectual, all the admirable treats. Very admirable indeed. Her favorite number is 7, mainly because she’s born on a 7th day. She enjoys graph theory in maths, dropped mechanics but did pure and statistics, then told me a bunch of stuff about maths i didnt understand but im the one who inquired so it’s kind of what I get. she also knows her runescape fairly well, but we both grew ambitions in the real world which took over, it seems.

we certainly broke the ice a little bit. I probably wouldn’t have even chatted to her without that dream. I’ll get to know her more again next time. 

#personal #text post #lucid #dreams #z #dream

[jess-oh]

Reflection

it is 3:40am but i thought it would be important to write a reflection.

i have a lot on my mind. i was feeling pretty depressed earlier bc i realized that i became the type of person that i hate. people who gossip to make themselves feel better bc they’re too afraid to actually say anything.

and i hate that. i told joyce a white lie. i talked smack behind tess’ back and didnt confront her when i had the chance. because it was easier. because she couldnt get mad at me for saying things that she didnt know. and thats so fucked up. and i really dont want to do that. 

work was fine and i talked to willow and michaela in the south crib for the majority of the time and tess worked by herself in the front. and sometimes she came to the back bc she felt lonely and i would just brush it off and ask, ��do you need something?” and when she would say no, i would tell her to go man the front. and that was pretty shitty of me to do. shes just trying to fit in and i have no right to degrade her or look down on her for that. yes, there are things that i need to talk to her about. she shouldnt prioritize cleaning the crib when we have customers. she shouldnt get my attention when she knows im busy. she shouldnt look down on others just bc they have less knowledge regarding woodshop equipment than her. we’ve been at this job longer and she needs to respect that. i get that shes older than me in age but in terms of work experience, i have the upperhand. and she cant just completely disregard that. thats messed up too.

but after work when angel, willow, and i were on our way out together, it was just so easy to be accepted into their group and look down on her and talk smack and while i didnt contribute to the conversation that much, i was tempted to go off on her. and i hate that. why would i want to do that?

i was already not in a great mood when i met Chelsea earlier but i do think it was nice that we got the chance to really just talk one on one. even if it awkward, it’s progress. Life group was pretty good too. James got us Popeye’s chicken and i was so happy ; v ; IT WAS SO GOOD.

but, im on better terms with angela now and i tried to be open with her. i think it’s hard bc she and angela are both really quick to judge and their compliments feel forced at times and not genuine. they tried to give me words of encouragement but honestly, it didnt really help. i was super nervous when i first talked to chelsea but i felt better while at life group. we actually talked on the way back instead of traveling together in silence. she’s a walking meme and im a lot more outgoing and starting to be spontaneous. but one thing that did stick out to me was when angela mentioned how she thinks one of my gifts is evangelism. which i did not expect to hear at all. she said that a lot of people were shocked that i brought a friend to church, someone who isnt Christian. and how im soft spoken and have a way with talking to people. which was a pretty interesting perception bc others see me as extremely aggressive and outgoing. and i honestly dont think it’s a mask. it just depends on my mood. but in general, im more than happy to meet new people. but sometimes, i just have a lot going on and on my mind and i dont always want to dedicate the time and energy to others. and i do want to push myself to do better but i still need to find that balance of both. 

after that, i went to the sky lounge and hung out with jay, sharlene, and joyce briefly. jay and sharlene ended up leaving and i was supposed to east kbbq with dana and mulan and i really wanted to but i felt bad leaving joyce all alone. i didnt want to and i know what it’s like to be in her shoes. so i had fun with them all but returned to joyce shortly after and worked on homework with her. and when she was ready to leave, i happened to be finishing up my assignment and departed soon after, back to mulan and everyone. i did tell joyce that i would be returning to my room though and i felt bad for lying but i didnt want to tell her to her face that i just would rather hangout with them than her. bc i know how much that hurts and stings and how long joyce’s self esteem already is and i didnt want to make her feel any worse than she already does. 

but i did have a lot of fun with dana and everyone. we sang our hearts out to old songs, disney princess movies, dear evan hansen, and so much more. and it was fun to just let go and yell and sing at the top of my lungs without fear of judgment. and it wasnt me trying to fit in, i was genuinely having a lot of fun. 

and im taking dana to church on sunday again bc she wants to go and ive brought up other opportunities to get involved but im also trying not to overwhelm her but going all in. i think just sundays are okay for now and i do really hope that she can find a good community within lakeview. and i hope i can find it too. and i hope we can change into an accepting, open ministry that loves to pray and intimately worship and really cry out to God.

God, I really miss praying so passionately to you. It used to come so naturally but it’s been a while now and I’m definitely starting to struggle. But I do want to get back in it. And i know that that’s so easy to say with words but I mean it. I do want to. And I know I could blame not doing it on time or work or anything else but those are really just all excuses. I do genuinely want to pray for others and invest into them. I don’t know if I’m actually gifted with evangelism. But I do know that I have the gift of compassion because I care so deeply for those around me and their well being. It’s not about me. it’s about them and what I can do to serve them. 

At life group, Angela mentioned to myself and Emily about how leadership for the second semester is coming up and how we should tell her if we’re interested. And honestly, I am. I am in a lot better of place now than I was last year and I’m happy with it.  But I know that I am still struggling and it isn’t perfect but I do crave serving again. And I feel as if I’ve rested for far too long. Because I do want to get back out there and love and serve and really have an open heart that’s just so willing and so compassionate and full of joy and hope for the Lord. I just don’t know if I can yet. Do you want me to do this, God? Am I just afraid or is this a sign, encouraging me to go for it? I know I’ll never be perfect but I do want to do this. I do. Even if it means not being able to serve on e-board for ASO. As much as I want to do that too. I do want to invest into Lakeview and I know that it is a place that you have called me to. And I don’t doubt that one bit. I know I fell off the wagon recently but I do want to get back out there and really build relationships with you and them. I do.

And finally, I was going to mention something about Andrew but I don’t remember anymore. But I did imagine a scenario where someone, a new girlfriend perhaps, calls him out on his sexist, selfish behavior and he tries to use the fact that im a close female friend but never said anything as a justification. and then he realizes how we’ve actually been growing apart and wonders if she’s right. and i would have to confess that she is.

oh! i remember! i’m not a priority for him. which i understand bc it’s a lot easier to prioritize people you can actually meet up with in person. but i feel like our skype calls and even just chatting via facebook, they arent all that important to him. it’s more of a convenience thing. and i guess that we dont have to talk all the time and we just both mutually know that we’ll be there for each other when needed. it’s just tough, i guess. bc i do want to be prioritized and i do want him to hold up on plans and promises that he made with me first. and i could just be pinning the blame on him through this trying time as marlena leaves columbia and i go out to seek a new person to be vulnerable with. but... idk. im honestly not sure. it’s just hard i guess.

#reflection

[ctrl-shift-esc]

I’m in the practice of…

Hi, 

Welcome to Tuesday May 9th 2k17. It’s 10:51 am, and I’m sitting at a Starbucks in Yaletown, Vancouver, BC. Coming back from a meeting at Lululemon, where we talked about what it means to us to be in YOGA Practice. In yoga we practice mindfulness on our mats, no judgement, self-love, acceptance. What would this look like if we brought this kind of practice to our everyday life. This is what Yoga is all about; Practice. It’s not about point A or point B- but about everything in between. This is what I want to explore today.

 Yes yes, we know, it’s been months since I last posted. Like I’ve mentioned before (& probs will forever mention) these posts will most likely all start with the same confession. That being said, I can also happily say that it feels damn good to finally muster the motivation, time & guts to sit here and write. Even though I’m not physically working on my blog everyday, the ideas are constantly roaming around in my head. Litteraly, constantly… thinking… It’s exhausting. Writing helps to let everything out. 

So why is it that I can’t seem to come out with more than one blogpost every 4 months? Well, besides the fact that letting everything out- can be slightly scary, I’ve honestly been asking myself the same thing. Truth be told, I think it’s the immense amount of pressure I’ve created. I overwhelm My own damn self & whenever I’m overwhelmed I procrastinate… So there it is - Can you relate?

Have any of you listened to Elizabeth Gilbert’s podcasts? Or read her recent Best Seller “Big Magic” ? She speaks about how you can become your biggest competition. How? by creating a story ( a fake idea) that you need to top your latest work. No one else can put this kind of pressure on you but yourself. This Blog started off for me (& Nomi) to have a space to share our memories with our friends & family and to keep everyone posted on all the wonderful shinans we were up to. Lately I’ve somehow put pressure on myself for having to entertain ya’ll with my writing. My ego being incredibly self-absorbed and all- stressing me out, as if anyone actually cared about my blog… as Elizabeth said; that shit is just heavy! I don’t wanna feel like I have to entertain anyone. Geez! I can barely fathom the idea of entertaining myself on most days… Fuck that.

So here I am. with my Fuck it attitude. I’m not here for anyone’s entertainment. NOT even my own. I’m just here to write. Took a couple months to get here, but it’s okay, it’s a practice. 

Here I am, raw, unedited, ready to write. What have I been up to?

I’ve been doing quite well, living downtown Vancouver, with my boyfriend of now a year and a half, whom I love very much! I’m working on film sets for a living and whenever Eric is away working I’m completing my schedule with weekend days at Lululemon. 

I’m doing so much, sometimes I forget to take a moment to realize how much I’m actually accomplishing. Forgetting to congratulate myself for it. I tend to only feel accomplished when I’ve reached my desired outcome. What if it doesn’t turn out the way I expected it to? Is it fair for me to feel any less accomplished? What about all the efforts, all the thoughts put into what ever it is I’m working on? Doesn’t that count? Isn’t it about the journey? Yes it is. Do you ever take a second to pat yourself on the back for your efforts?

It’s not a habit of mine to think that way. I have to constantly remind myself to slow down, to look around, to be grateful for how far I’ve come and to appreciate how hard I work. Even if things don’t turn out the way I planned.

What’s been on my mind lately? Myself. I’ve been at a disconnect with myself for quite some time ; I’m having - I guess we can call it - a “Breakdown”. I’ll explain; a breakdown is the space between where you are and where you want to be. Lately, I’ve been hyper aware of this space that I’m in. I’m antsy to get to where I wanna be, forgetting to enjoy the work that I’m in right NOW, at this very moment.  

I have a vision of what I want my life to look like, but mostly how I want my life to feel. A strong vision of the person I ultimately want to be. I’ll let you in on what that looks like;

Being a strong independent woman, as much financially as emotionally. Living a cozy, motivated life. Healthy both mentally & physically. I dream of being a morning person running by the water with her pup. An entrepreneur who creates her visions & has no issues bringing them to life. A happy - full of Life type of girl - ready to confront any challenges life may offer. For some reason, I feel like I haven’t been living into this vision. Yes, this is my own perception of myself, but why? Are my expectations too high? Do I take myself or my life too seriously? Or am I simply overthinking (yep, there it is *eye roll*). But am I panicking over it? No. I’m okay with not being “Great”. Might sound weird to some, but having these feelings don’t scare me, although they may put me in a funk, I’m not judging the funk. I sit with it… And dammit I’ll be British & have a tea party. I invite the funk over to make an appearance whenever it wants! Cause shit! I’ll get to know it, I’ll get to understand it. Bloody Hell! I’ll learn to work with it, if it’s the last thing I do! I’ve been taking care of business more than I’ve been taking care of me. Very much like this blogpost- I’ve been telling myself I *Should* write. I *Should* go to yoga. I *Should* go to the gym. I *Should* stop eating cake. But what about what I WANT to do. What if eating cake makes me happy. So I’ve been rebelling against the “ shoulds’ “, because why the hek SHOULD I do anything other than what I WANNA do? So I’ve been sitting with that. Yes I have self vs self temper tantrums whenever I don’t wanna do something that I’ve been telling myself I should. So I do like any annoyed mother would do; I sit there, I listen, I wait… I wait, for it to pass, and I try to learn from it, and try again the next day. It’s a process, It’s very much a Yoga Practice. 

I’ve realized my practice might scare others more than it does me. My uncertainty seems to confuse others. They somehow no longer know how to deal with me. I assure you, I’m in complete control of my chaos. If you ask me how I am, and I answer you with a truthful - “ I don’t know “, or “ I’ve been better” - It’s simply because:

1- that’s the truth. I have no energy to fake my answer - Or try to hide what’s actually going on. Why should I, when you asked?

2- My raw answer to your question - Isn’t by any means to hold you hostage. It isn’t me; pleading for your help - or even begging for your sympathy. Though It’s nice of you to feel obligated to make me feel better! But know that I’m not asking you to. And frankly that’s not your problem. so you’re off the hook mate!

In fact, it’s not a problem at all! It just is what it is. Some days I’ll be more focused on me, more aware of all the work that still needs to be done & how that makes me feel. Sometimes I’ll need more ME time & sometimes that’s ok. I’m okay with that. I might find it tedious, so may you, but I’m okay with it.

Maybe, my expectations are too high, maybe I take life too seriously. Who knows! But here’s one thing I do know; I’m hella grateful for my commitment to figure this shit out! Everyday I show up for myself, I’m here ready to listen and everyday I learn more about who I am and what I need, to lead my best life. You may not catch me in a yoga class anytime soon but everyday I practice YOGA.

Everyday I am in practice of;

Self-love

Surrendering

Acceptance

Listening

Happiness

Communication

Fitness

Healthy Eating

Integrity

Mindfulness

A practice isn’t meant to be perfect. It’s far from perfection. To practice, is to have the space to grow. To grow from your mistakes - to learn from your mistakes. To have the space and permission to make mistakes. Doesn’t allowing yourself to live a life of practice give you the feeling of freedom?! I for one feel like I can breathe. 

So here I am, after a couple months of “Let’s try this again” I’ve sat down, and wrote down what was going through my mind. Finally! *pat self on back*

Tomorrow is a new day - New possibilities - and an endless amount of “Let’s try this again”.

What are you noticing for yourself? 

On that note

Ctrl+Shift+Practice

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