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#and my mum tells people that i don’t talk much any more which is true outside of work
teyamsatan · 9 months
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Hi x i wanted to talk about something that has happened to me recently, because i feel like it needs to be addressed lol. I would have never considered talking about it if the person in question had had an ounce of maturity and respect, but she obviously doesn’t, and it’s my reputation on the line and my fault for expecting it hahahah.
So a few days ago, the whole Jake is Jacob debacle happened on tumblr, which to me was cute and harmless and fun. Now some people really feel the need to bring other people down and prove (to themselves only, let’s be honest) how “superior” and “intelligent” they are, so she started making fun and basically insulting the OP of the post, which really upset me. I didn’t say anything about it and quietly unfollowed the person, because if i find content I disagree with, that is (to me) the only way to approach the situation.
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Anyway, later, i was made aware that she continued trash talking people in the fandom, continuing this tired narrative that despite being the one to initiate it, she was the “victim” bullied by “kids”, which i resented, for a couple of reasons.
1. Ageism is ageism no matter the form it comes in. It is no different to shit on a person just for being young and minding their business, than it is to do so with people who are older.
2. I’m tired of the “i was here first and therefore i am inherently better than you” stupid narrative. You don’t get a cookie cause you found something sooner, pls PLEASE understand that.
3. The “everyone is so young” bs is simply not true. I am the same age as her, so are some of my mooties or just a couple years older, and we’re all here, and we’re all trying to have a good time, and that’s what matters. None of us are out here flaunting our age or our maturity, because it is inconsequential.
4. Saying to someone that their “pre-frontal cortex” isn’t fully developed, is fucking ridiculous. What a stupid argument. You’re really going to insult someone for something they have reasonably absolutely no control over and try to use it as an insult against them? Girlie, in 2023? Do you understand how stupid that is? You think you’re superior cause your mum pushed you out a few years earlier like you had anything to do with it??? Like idk that is wild to me.
5. You can’t insult people on here for “being young and dumb” and how much “better” and “more mature” you are, and then in the same breath pick a fight with them and be willing to die on that hill. Because if you have any sort of common sense, that would imply that you must be succumbing to their levels and you are not capable of having any higher level discourse. Like how do you not see that that you're just proving to everyone how immature you truly are?
So, i wrote her an ask. Not on anon, not trying to start anything, just an ask telling her my opinion and telling her that as someone who is the same age as her, her behaviour is disappointing.
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Now i need you to see the message because she won’t show it to you, because she wants to build this narrative that people are “harassing” her. Please note that nobody is “harassing” her. If i wanted to harass her, I could and I would not do it with my username intact. I wanted to her to understand the opinion (that i share with my friends and mooties) of someone who’s the same age as her. She won’t answer it because she knows there is no way to spin this in her favour.
Instead, what she can do, is what she does best. Trying to spin this negatively, insulting me and my writing (you’re 26 and the best you could come up with is “god awful cringey ass fics”? ouch, that hurt.) and tagging it “neteyam imagine” cause what person who wants to read neteyam fics doesn’t want to see that. Now again, she is blocked for me because I absolutely do not want to engage with people like her, but i was made aware of this and since she’s talking about me and could potentially come to people’s inboxes or dms and talking trash about me, i wanted you besties to know and to read everything and make your own minds about it, having all the information, not just what she deems appropriate to give you.
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Anyway, sorry for this long ass rant, but it needed to be said. Please, if you don’t agree with someone, especially if it’s over something so incredibly trivial as a name, let it go. It’s not worth it. If it’s something not trivial, block. It’s not worth it. Insulting someone for things they have no control over doesn’t put you on top, it makes you a dick. Acting like you’re inherently better cause you’ve been in a fandom longer isn’t cool, trust me. Just please, save your energy and put it in your art, in your job, in your relationships, in yourself.
Now, i will go write my cringey ass fics 😉 good luck besties, and smooches.
ALSO!!! DO NOT engage with this person. PLEASE. Please do not prove her right. Please do not leave her anon hate or anything of the sort, please please please. It’s not worth it.
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gmwsuperfan5467890 · 6 months
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Other Opinions on American Housewife
I just posted an opinion on Triplor and why I am not a huge fan of the ship. Here are my other opinions.
-Katie>>>> Greg. Katie is more aware of her flaws, which makes her really likeable (to me), while Greg sometimes acts like he is a saint for putting up with Katie, which rubs me the wrong way. Though most of the time, he loves and accepts his wife for who she is, so I’ll forgive him for that.
- The cliffhanger of Katie being pregnant at the end? Horrible. She clearly does not want any more kids. She is always talking about how tired they make her and how she can’t wait until they all leave for college. Now you’re telling me that she is going to do it all over again for another 18 years?! Let this woman relax and enjoy the empty-nester life, she doesn’t need anymore kids!
-I just remembered another reason why Greg makes me mad. There was an episode where he kept on badgering Katie about having another kid and she kept on telling him no and then he got pissed and acted like she was the villain???? Excuse me sir, you’re not the one who has to be pregnant for 9 months, then push that baby out of your hooha and then take care of that baby for most of the time, so shut up. And then the episode’s ‘happy ending’ is Katie considering having another baby to make Greg happy. Oh fuck off.
-One thing I have not seen addressed. Katie and Greg are in crisis mode when they hear about Taylor hooking with Trip but them hearing about Oliver and Cooper preparing to touch their girlfriends’ boobs is okay to them?? Keep in mind that Oliver and Cooper were like 15 max at the time while Taylor was older than them for all the instances this type of thing happened.
-I am neutral on Anna-Kat and Franklin’s relationship. I usually don’t like the trope of little kids dating because I find it weird, let kids be kids. But in this case, it’s more realistic. When they start ‘dating’ their relationship does not really change, they still act like how they used to and when they have big moments like the ‘proposal’, it’s not played seriously, which I appreciate.
- One thing I love about the show is that the characters and their dynamic with each other are so complex. For example, Anna-Kat is her mother’s favourite, which would theoretically mean that she wouldn’t lack any love or attention yet she craves the love and attention of her siblings yet there are times where she is excluded or isolated by them because of Katie’s favouritism and because she is much younger than them.
- I also loved how creative some of the episodes are: for example, the episode where the hoodie Katie picks determines how the rest of her day goes was so engaging to watch and definitely one of the best episodes of the show.
- I also liked that every season had a big event that the characters had to work towards ie the gala, prom and election.
- Doris and Angela deserved better, they needed more plots and more backstory. I think it would have been interesting to have an episode in Angela’s or Doris’s perspective. Or they could have done an episode every season where it was in the perspective of a different housewife.
-This show has a diversity problem in general, to be honest.
-This show has a lot of disney/Nickelodeon actors. Two examples I want to point out because I haven’t seen people talking about them: the guy that played Lonnie is from True Jackson VP and Audra was in that Girl Meets World episode (I think it was called Girl meets She don’t like me).
-The actress that plays Katie’s mum voices Beatrice Horseman! And she is in Shrinking (10/10) show
-The general consensus here is that Oliver and Cooper are in love (which I 100% agree) but have we talked how Brie and Charlotte are paralleled to them which in my mind means they are also in love. Brie and Oliver are both bi and had feelings for each other but those feelings were not as strong as the feelings they had for their respective best friends, while Cooper and Charlotte are both gay and suffering from comp-het. Like I’m sorry, the whole, ‘Whatever my best friend does with their SO, I have to do exactly the same’ thing is really gay.
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not-my-final-account · 4 months
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I have a brother and he screams when I sing, for the record I don’t sing any louder than I talk and I take leasons so I’m not that bad of a singer, also he’s only two years younger than me and has no disorders which would mean he can’t deal with noise or me singing. So I’m not aloud to sing in the living room (which everyone in the family agrees is a space for everyone) because my mom can’t deal with his screaming when I start singing.
He gets away with everything because he screams and throws temper tantrums when ever something doesn’t go his way, even if it is something not that difficult and perfectly reasonable like asking him to move over because he’s taking up all of them couch. The family now always gets into arguments because he is hellbent on making my life horrible and he gets his way because mum can’t deal with him screaming and never punishes him beyond a glare and a ‘don���t do that again’
I’m not going to be able to move out for a while and we’ve even stopping having dinners together because they always ended in screaming. However, when ever something goes wrong for me, I just take it or maybe ask mum if there’s anything she can do, I never say anything because I know she has enough on her plate already but my brother never thinks of that, and she is afraid to yell or punish him because our Dad Vader recently died and she thinks he is in a fragile enough mental state that it would affect him, yeah, maybe it would, but whatever it would do to him would be nothing compared to what he puts me through.
It’s not just singing either, he calls me sexual things even though I tell him to stop, he does things just to annoy me even if the inconvenience him, and he throws things (sticks or whatever’s lying around) at me when ever I even retort back at him. I’m sick and tired of it but there isn’t anything I can do, I’ve told mum about this but she never does anything more than say she is going to have a talk with him which I’m still not convinced she even does, I could perhaps report him to the police for being sexual but it’s nothing that serious and also would just end up being mums problem.
Everyone thinks that he’s an angel.
He also hogs all the attention, for a while I was in a really dark patch and I even considered k!lling myself and mum didn’t even notice, I mean sure, I’ve never been a ‘showy feely’ kid and I hide a lot of my true thoughts but it gets to the point where my own mother should realise I’m not okay, but she never did. I had to deal with that myself, I had to pull myself through a lot of things which looking back were so much worse than I thought, and she didn’t even realise because while I never showed too much emotion (especially after Dad died) my brother’s always put his heart and soul into every small thing he does and she thought it would affect him more than it would affect me, I know it hurt him but no one even bother to push a little further when they asked me if I was okay.
And there is nothing I can do about it either. I could start acting like him, which might teach him a lesson and make mum listen to me, but he would only get worse and mum would only have more to deal with so I don’t.
I used to have this tree house in this park, whenever I got mad I’d jump out my window and run to it so I could sit in nature closer to the sky and calm down. I’m pretty sure only homeless people live in it now but I miss having somewhere I could tun when I was mad to cool down.
So, in the spirt of all those youtube videos, am I the asshole for deciding I’m going to make his life hell behind the scenes? Because I used to love him, I used to care no matter what, but he pushed it too far. He could fall off a cliff and the only tears I would be shedding at his funeral would be ones of boredom.
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missnight0wl · 1 year
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Wow, the new Christmas TLSQ starts strong with MC's family information. Again, MC stays at Hogwarts, and Ben asks "what about Jacob?" (guess this takes place after you rescue him and before knowing your father), but MC says they can't spend Christmas with Jacob this year but doesn't mention the mother at all. I'm starting to think she went to America and stayed there or she could be dead. What do you think about that?
Actually, this scene has multiple versions. For me, it looked like this:
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But when you look at the datamines, there apparently are five different options:
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… which is pretty insane, if you ask me. I mean, they usually have two options: for before and after a certain event. But here, their approach was quite detailed. And seeing how this quest is the Y2 Achievement, I assume there has to be a version where Ben simply doesn’t ask about Jacob.
Still, the Mother is indeed not mentioned at any point. So, what do I think about that? Honestly?
I think it’s basically meaningless.
Here’s the thing: we’re talking about TLSQs. And I just had a discussion with my friend about how TLSQs probably should be treated as a separate reality, and it might be especially true when it comes to seasonal stories. I mean, just look at the placement of those quests. Three of Christmas TLSQs are currently marked as Y2 Achievements. In my opinion, it’s quite clear that JC doesn’t really care how they influence the main story. They simply want as many players as possible to be able to participate in them when they're released.
So, am I saying we should ignore them entirely? Well… yes and no. I think we should be more critical of them. Personally, I only consider the first Christmas TLSQ as a reliable source of information. And that’s also why I’m always so surprised when people use the rest of them as hard evidence that MC’s Mother is a terrible parent who leaves their child at Hogwarts each year. Because I might be wrong, but I truly believe that when JC was about to write the second Christmas TLSQ, some employee was like:
“Well, damn, who would’ve thought that people would be paying for this game for so long… Anyway, Christmas is coming, so we probably should have another Christmas story. But we need an excuse for MC to stay at Hogwarts. Hm, what to do… Oh, of course! Let’s use the same explanation as in the previous year!”
And then, they did it again. And then, I suppose they realised it might be a little odd. Because I’m pretty sure that the last year’s TLSQ (“Holidays at Hogwarts”) didn’t mention MC’s reasons for staying at Hogwarts at all, right? I didn’t play it, but I checked it quickly now, and I didn’t see any mention of “Mum”, “America” or “Jacob”. I’m not sure why they returned to explanations this year (and they prepared so many options), but… I just honestly doubt there’s any hidden meaning behind no mention of the Mother.
At least for the story itself.
Because while I was thinking about my reply to your ask, I realised that the Mother is not really mentioned much in the recent chapters either. I mean, Peregrine did talk about her. However, it’s been a while since we had our usual: “don’t tell Mum” etc. And I started wondering if JC is not preparing for some plot twist with her. It doesn’t make much sense, but I suppose it might make sense for JC, seeing how they executed the plot twist with Peregrine. I mean, if nobody talks about Mother’s reactions to the current events and nobody draws attention to her, we’re all gonna be so surprised when she suddenly appears at Hogwarts or something, right?
Right?
Again, I might be wrong. But I wouldn’t look too deep into that, really. Especially since, like I said, the quest is officially placed in Y2, and we know for sure that MC interacted with their mum during the summer between Y2 and Y3.
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Hello!! Curious what your thoughts are about mail call 3?
That’s nice of you to be interested, thank you 😊 I don’t suppose they’re terribly hot takes or anything, but here you go. Since I have perpetual Klinger brain they all revolve around him I’m afraid. Essentially, this episode isn’t particularly kind to him but doesn’t seem to realise it.
It doesn’t bother that nobody believes Laverne is leaving him at first, because it true that isn’t out of line with his previous get-out attempts. But then when he completely goes to pieces at the movie and still most people…don’t seem that bothered? If um. If my friend stripped off at the cinema I’d probably at least check with them I reckon. He does get some concern from Colonel Potter and Father Mulcahy, and a little from Radar when he goes AWOL. But none of the other characters take any interest in his distress, at least as far as we see.
Now, OK, they the have their own storylines going on. But the conclusion of the episode presents things as though the 4077 helped Klinger through getting dumped and he’s happy that he has them? The family concept is specifically invoked twice, once by Radar and once by Klinger himself. He says he may not have a family anymore in Toledo but at least he has his Mash family. Which, sweetie no, famously you have a very large family at home! Who are always shown to be very supportive!
No one actually helped him through his personal crisis. He left camp still completely upset, and calmed himself down by entirely by himself. Everyone is happy to have fun with him once he’s managed to do that, but at his lowest point he’s rather left alone. And I think this episode is possibly the most shaken we ever see him (I’m sort of discounting that time he tried to kill Frank with a grenade because although it is strictly speaking canonical, it’s only his second appearance and totally out if step with how he’s portrayed in every other episode, so I feel it’s a case of them to having the character figured out yet). There may be other examples that I can’t think of, but it’s definitely up there. So it’s especially sad to me that they aren’t there for him.
It’s also just occurred to me that his getting divorced doesn’t…really go anywhere to the best of my recollection. I know it does come up again. But compare it with Margaret’s divorce, which is treated as an ongoing character arc, as much as that happened in sitcoms of that era. Which I love for her! But Klinger suffers a huge betrayal and heartbreak, and the finale of Mail Call Three treats as though it’s all resolved now, he’s fine now because he has his found family to help him through. Only they didn’t.
To be clear, I don’t mind characters being jerks to each other! However the disconnect between what the narrative is telling me happened vs what actually was shown on screen is frustrating to me. There’s also, you know, that general trend of Klinger being treated poorly especially as the series goes on. And I don’t like it because!! He’s great! I love him a whole lot! 🥰 So maybe I’m biased, but everyone should have been nicer to him. Or at least, fine, don’t have the characters be nice to him but don’t pretend that they were!
Anyway. I do like the scene between Hawkeye and Radar. It’s cute, they’re cute. As an aside, I like that Radar talks about setting up Daniel Pierce with his mum. It reminds me of how he’s keen to establish a relationship between his family and the Winchesters in The Party. People talk a lot about whether characters would stay in touch after the war. Things like that make me think Radar would make an effort to keep in touch with people, especially because we do see him write to the 4077 at least once I can think of. I also like Radar and Klinger’s interaction at the beginning, when he’s trying to get his letter. More cute!
Oh and one thing I do like is the way they tie Klinger’s mood to his clothes. He starts off in a dress, then literally tears it off when he reaches his breaking point. He stays in uniform when he’s at his lowest. And then once he starts feeling happier he’s back to dressing his best 💖 I think that’s interesting, plus extremely relatable!
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Family Matters (Two-Face x Reader)
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You had called Oswald to ask about your father's whereabouts. You knew he was on a bank heist but which bank, well that was a whole other difficulty and you certainly weren't going to spend the whole night making the rounds to Gotham’s banks. Oswald was surprised by your call thinking something was wrong. He was correct as he could hear you swallow back the tears. However you wouldn't tell him what was wrong. 
When you arrived it was apparent that he was already tipped off by Penguin. You moved past a few henchmen and you heard your father's voice. "(Y/N), you can't be here." Harvey said as he moved down the stairs. "What happened to mum?" You asked quickly. Your mother had died when you were a child, too young to understand death. Yet you overheard some talk and her death didn’t seem so much of an accident as it was deemed. "What?" Harvey halted. "Did you hurt her?" Tears welled up in your eyes. Your hands trembled as you worked up the courage to look your father in the eyes. "Did you kill my mum?" Your voice trembled. "I loved your mother." Harvey said firmly. "Did you kill her!?" You asked louder. 
After a moment of silence, Harvey spoke. "She was going to keep you away from me." You sucked in a breath as you felt a wave of nausea hit you. Tears brimmed your eyes as you tried to contain yourself. "I didn't mean for it to happen. I lost control. It was an accident." Harvey continued. "So you killed her and took me?" Tears slipped down your face. "I protected you! I've always protected you!" "You killed my mu-" He cut you off with a 'Shhhh'. "Being a father means everything to us. Our own was someone from hell. We couldn't bare the thought of not being your father, not being there to see you grow up and we couldn't lose you." "You weren't protecting me from anything...you did this for you." You sobbed. "That is not true!" Harvey said firmly. "One day you'll understand."  “What does that mean?” You looked at him incredulously.  “Now is not the time for this, you need to go home.” He said gruffly. “No, you need to tell me the truth.” You were adamant to get answers out of him -an explanation. Was there even such a explanation that could make any of this excusable? That could validate such an awful thing? You had heard of plenty custody battles- couples breaking up and terrified of losing their children to the other.
 Your father had done many good things and many bad things. He had hurt a lot of people, taken the lives of many. He was dangerous but until now you had always thought you were exempt- that he’d never hurt you. Did your mother think the same thing? Were you making that same mistake? The thought frightened you more by the second and that was when you looked up to see your father walking towards you.  Before he could speak, you cried out. "P-Please, don't hurt me!" You cried out. He looked at you with hurt. "I'm your damn father!" Harvey yelled. "We'd never!" Two-Face yelled not immediately afterwards.
It all happened so fast. At first you were intending to run, but Batman descended from the ceiling, hitting you hard in the face with his fist. You were knocked off of your feet landing on the hard flooring with a loud 'thud!'. You were out cold, unconscious. Silence filled the room for only a second before Two-Face roared with rage storming towards the Batman. "What the hell did you do to our kid!?" Batman looked down at you, inspecting you. Two-Face slowed to a stop whilst he dug a gun out of his pocket. His jaw clenched, fury in his eyes. "I can't let you walk away, Batman. Not after this." Harvey said icily. "Harvey, why are they here?" Batman asked. "They had nothing to do with this!" Two-Face seethed. "You'll pay!" 
Your head hurt a dull ache. At first you didn't know what had happened. Then it came back to you, redefining the whole headache completely. You bolted up. "Hey, easy. You're okay." Cash raised his hands before trying to settle you back down. "You're in the GCPD. You're safe. Lie down, we just need a doctor to check you over." 
Once the doctor was finished checking you over and had determined you were fine, Batman entered the room. "I'm sorry. I was not aware of who you are." His voice was deep and sincere. You slowly nodded. "It's fine, I...I shouldn't have been there anyway." You admitted. "That'll be dealt with later. Commissioner Gordon will assist you from here. Your father is going to Arkham." "Wait, right now? Can...can I see him?" Batman looked at you warily, saying nothing. "Please..." You pleaded softly. "He's my dad, let me say goodbye." After another moment of looking you over, Batman nodded. "I'll take you to him. I'll be taking him to Arkham with the others. He's been worried about you." You hopped off of the table and Batman led you through the GCPD. 
Cash went ahead to have him separated from the other rogues. Although he didn't seem to know why he was separated as when Batman entered, he wasted no time demanding answers. You stepped around Batman. "(Y/N) wished to see you before you go. I have apologised to them and I am sorry to you too, Harvey." Batman said smoothly. "As you should!" Two-Face ground out. There was a moment of silence. "Can we have a second?" You asked Batman almost meekly. "I can't leave you unsupervised with him." Two-Face was seething. "We're their father! You are the one who hurt them!" Suddenly there was a commotion and you vaguely heard a very familiar voice. "Unhand me you primitive morons!" The Riddler seemed to be making quite the fuss and so Batman looked at the two of you one last time before promptly leaving and closing the door- seemingly to help the officers with Nygma. 
"How are you feeling?" Harvey asked clearly concerned. You nodded. "I'm okay." You assured him. "They had a doctor check me over. He said I was fine and then Batman came in and apologised for...you know." "He signed his own death certificate!" Two-Face growled. Meanwhile you and Harvey seemed to be on another level. "If you want to tell the truth about your mother. I won't stop you. I understand." He said gently. "I regret causing you the pain you've endured all this time." You looked at him for a moment before you slowly shook your head. "I won't tell them." You said softly. "I already lost one parent, I don't want to lose another." Two-Face was silent, surprised but your decision. He was torn, the good in him wanted you to tell the truth and report him. Although it was something he couldn't do himself. If he did, he wouldn't be around and you still needed him. "Can I have a hug?" You whispered quietly. He let out a tiny quiet huff of amusement. "Of course, you can." Harvey said quietly before bringing you into his arms. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "We love you, kid."
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automatismoateo · 9 months
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Sister converted to christianity and is now telling me I'm a sinner via /r/atheism
Sister converted to christianity and is now telling me I'm a sinner
Ok shortish version. My sister and I were raised vaguely Anglican. Mum was anglican but pulled away from our local church because they were homophobic and she didn't believe in that. Sister also left working at that church for the same reason as she identified as bi at the time. Sister started looking into Catholicism and then our mum had a stroke suddenly last year and my sister was the one who found her and had to take her to hospital alone because the rest of us were too far away to get to her so there is obviously significant trauma there. She died 3 weeks later.
My sister has found her faith to be a big anchor for her and I was all for it but was a little worried about how things were going with Catholics not being a fan of the gays and my sister identifying as bi. I am also bi and have a girlfriend that I live with and love a lot. My sister surprised us all at the start of this year saying she had a boyfriend (a surprise because before that she wanted to become a nun). Anyway the other day she texted me wanting advice on how she's doing with her mental health but mentioned "theres a lot else going on that isn't just mental health that I don't even want to allude to in case you guess". So I was worried she was unsafe or she'd got hard into pro-life campaigning or TERF behaviour but she said no, it was probably worse than that for me because the catholic church views being gay or trans as a sin (my girlfriend is trans). And I'm like well yeah I know I don't live under a rock, but what does that mean for you, are you saying you believe this now? Like initially I was like well if you aren't going to vote for things that will strip my rights and you aren't trying to hurt me then do you. I don't think I realised she was trying to tell me she basically believes this now until she was like "I know hate the sin love the sinner is a cliche but it's true for me". I asked her not to say that to me because I can't change who I am or who I love and I don't understand how you can claim to love someone while believing an innate part of who they are is sinful.
She said she found some of the things I said hard to hear and she is going to talk to some people she trusted but I'm just totally lost like...apparently she identifies as straight now which is cool sexuality is fluid but my family have all been remarkably chill about me being gay I never expected this from my sister of all people and I just have this sick feeling she's too set in this new line of thinking to get out of it and any attempts to make her realise what she's saying is hurtful will just make her dig in that it's sad that I'm a horrid heathen queer and like...if that's the case I don't feel safe or comfortable being around her. We've already been through this with my partners parents so it's like. How much more is my family gonna be fractured? I hate it because I haven't fucking changed and I'm not doing anything wrong I'm just fucking existing and my sister has suddenly decided that's a sin but reassures me "she doesn't think I'm evil" and "doesn't want to be considered homophobic or transphobic". Ok well...don't be a homophobe then.
So yeah. Any tips on how to navigate the gauntlet of a recently converted sibling who now believes totally different things to you please help because I'm at a loss. I want to support her mental health but this entire business has absolutely fucked mine.
Submitted July 04, 2023 at 11:24AM by Playful_Bee_5481 (From Reddit https://ift.tt/humKv4G)
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doeflowerchild · 1 year
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To The One Who Will Never Listen,
Mummy, there is a lot to say to you. I don’t think you’ll listen because you never have in the past. Maybe that was because it was out of anger and spite in the past. That is not where this is coming from. This letter is coming from a place of compassion, I’m merely writing this to get everything off my chest and have a place for it, what you do with it is up to you. I love you, always have and always will.
Loving you comes with a lot of pain though, the pain of loving a drug addict, the pain of losing someone to their mental illness, the pain of the flat out neglect and abuse that took part, leaving a permanent scar on my psyche. I remember one day, when I was seventeen I overheard you and a friend talking, I tuned in on you telling them that you could tell I was angry. You were genuinely concerned about how that would and has affected me. I could hear it in your voice, for once you cared.
I’m still angry mummy and I don’t have a good way to express it. It was never modeled to me. I don’t know how to self regulate my emotional state due to the constant neglect and abuse. My needs were constantly ignored. I know, you did the best you could. Psychologically though, I developed borderline personality disorder due to one parent loving and caring for me too much, and one constantly neglecting me. Please listen when I tell you, in my eyes I had two different moms until I was twelve. I had a good mummy that cared and loved me and would do anything in the world to protect me. Who saw me as a beautiful light in her life. But I also had a bad mummy. One who was cruel and cold. Distant, who seemed to despise the very ground I walked on and resented the skin I was born from.
The thing is mum, I have a right to be angry, though I’m doing the work to resolve the twenty two year pent up aggression I have at various parts of this world, I have a right to harbor this anger. I mean, I’m a codependent drug addict with extreme commitment issues, that is paired with an intense fear of ever being alone. I jump from one abusive relationship to another. I’m an asexual that copes with sex. I hate intimacy with a passion but have a deep yearning to be close to someone. Anyone.
This constant battle between two polar opposites is how I got my bipolar diagnosis. I flip between a manic state of love and closeness to people without fear. I’m on top of the world and nothing can bring me down. Until the inevitable light switch goes off. There is no warning to the light switch. The light flickers off and all of a sudden I am taken, plunged deep into the darkness. I will isolate and end any relationship that causes uncomfort. Which is all of them.
Some people close to me see this pattern and respect it. Never getting too close to me but still there. Others fall deeply for the mania, getting too close only to be hurt by the always coming but never predictable cut off. I burn bridges like I have an endless supply for new ones, but I have come to realize that it isn’t endless. As I burn more bridges my supply for sturdy ones that will hold my weight dissipates. Nowadays I am constantly plagued by the effects of my anger, the burning of bridges. I hurt and abandon good people. People who do not deserve the constant push-pull that is a close relationship with me.
Abandonment brings up a lot for me. It brings up shame and guilt, as I abandon everyone, including myself. It brings up sadness and memories. And those memories, well, they bring up the anger once more. Anger at myself because I feel like I am a horrible person for everyone I have left. Anger at Tomek for being the first ever man to get close and hurt me. Not only did he hurt me, but he left. He was my first experience with true abandonment. Following the anger with Tomek, we have the anger with you. After he left you left, not physically at first but emotionally. You started heavy into the drugs, the booze, the men. You needed something, anything to distract you from your life, from your child. Then one day, you gave up, and there I was alone. Abandoned by not only the abusive man you let play daddy but you as well.
I hope you realize that I’ve been mentally and emotionally preparing myself for your death since I was 12. That's why I hardly talk to you anymore, every time I try I instantly flood with regret and remember why I stopped in the first place. It feels like codependency with you was the true gateway drug. I’m now a cold distant person, especially towards you. If I’m being honest mom I feel very little if anything at all towards you anymore. I hope one day I can once again not feel a numb sensation that clouds the love I know is still present in me for you.
Signed,
The Miracle Child
0 notes
jouurnal · 2 years
Text
30/5/22
THINGS I’VE LEARNT FROM DATING MITCH...
Mum and I were like “married” - i.e. she relied on me for $, care etc. which is true
I tend not to trust my intuition, what I want, and blame myself for another person’s shit actions. e.g. Mitch lying to me about seeing Jasmine who he had feelings for.
I tend to trust another person’s view on things way more than my own. THIS IS DANGEROUS!
I tend to want to people please. I take on the role of fixer by finding their weakness/pain point and never touching it
I like to present myself as perfect, especially if I don’t get any response from someone. e.g. if i said something funny and they don’t respond i tend to not do that thing. Mitch said it’s like I’m taking a checklist of what i do / don’t want to do
I can’t stand not being myself! or not feeling like i have the freedom to be myself! i don’t like not being accepted. 
I can’t stand strong judgment calls/words e.g. Mitch calling me an ‘idiot’ / ‘lazy’
I hate not being understood! 
I’m extremely selfish to a detrimental point where it’s unhealthy for me. e.g. not prioritising my own needs and acknowledging that yes i am tired/hungry etc.
I find it hard to speak up for myself/leave ppl. if i think something is unacceptable i tend not to say it bc i don’t want to be ‘rude’ but i don’t think that’s rude i think it’s not honouring myself!
i like to know details! where r we going, when, who etc
I’m very emotional! even if i won’t admit it i experience lots of emotions and it often feels like a rollercoaster ride. i don’t like being out of control w my emotions i.e. showing others me crying/angry especially. 
I cannot stand lying! how can i trust a cunt if they say one thing but do another/don’t follow thru?
i can’t stand flakiness! if u say u care or whatever it don’t mean shit if i can’t see it.
I enjoy being close w someone ie cuddling, hand holding, kiss on the cheek but don’t like more than that, esp early on
i’m very invested when i’m in a relationship. but if shit hits the fan and i’m pissed - having not aired my concerns/not being heard/treated wrongly/meanly - i tend to think of past relationships and why i liked them and who suited me the best
i don’t like overly emotional men. if they cry all the time i feel like they’re weak. a bit of crying is ok i.e. nice and sensitive but ugly crying all the time is too much for me.
I like someone who is predictable - not boring - i.e. in the sense that i know what they’re like, what they’re likely to be doing, how they talk etc. It’s hard when they’re unpredictable! i.e. dunno what’s coming next
I like when things r going smoothly and easy - no conflict. But i like bringing conflict up to work thru bc that’s healthy for me
i don’t mind dating a people pleaser - in that they want to please me - but can’t stand if they’re too much this way in that idk what they actually think
i’m drawn to deep, intellectual, spiritual, real and open conversation. I can tell when people are hiding stuff
i can see patterns of behaviour pretty easily
the covering - i.e. faith - is really important! need to feel free/accepted in this so i can be myself
family is important to look at - what r his parents/siblings like as people? can i stand them? is he like them? is that something i can accept or not?
do i actually find him attractive?
i’m more drawn to people who look like me/aren’t white. if they’re white it’s ok if i can genuinely be me
i don’t like uptight ppl/ppl who can’t take a joke/laugh/ always worried etc etc
i need someone stable in their emotions, mentally, physically 
asking questions is really important to get to know someone genuinely. probe. don’t be afraid
i tend to get sucked in to a relationship and lose a sense of me. hard to say no!
i don’t like talking past 8pm. need to sleep! more of a morning person??
how is his character? - this is only revealed in time and through trial
need someone to love me like christ loves the church - laying himself down, not selfish!
it’s important for me to trust someone and reminder to future me it’s only gained slowly over time w the slow reveal of things!
I tend to lower my expectations in comparison to who i am! i’m pretty fucking neat
When another person is hurt/upset/crying I always listen even if they’re emotionally dumping on me (i.e. talking without taking a break) and don’t consider how I feel. I realise i need space to process the information mentally and emotionally and then lead to a decision on what I need/want to do.
i hate people telling me what to do/how to live my life - even if implied and not said directly.
i don’t like being made fun of much! esp if i feel like it’s against me.
things take time to develop - i.e. trust, feeligns of love
i’m a highly sensitive person - music, other people’s feelings, the vibe of a room all impact me - i can sense it all.
reminder to self: your first impression of them will likely stick - must be honest how u really feel about them.
0 notes
erodasfishtacos · 3 years
Note
could u please do like a harry x youtuber/influencer!reader and like lots of fluff🥺
Hi bubbie! Here you go :)))
Word Count: 4k
Warnings: Language
Harry was panicking. His mum and sister were going to be here in less than two hours and he’s burnt the eggplant parmigiana he had worked tediously on. 
He grabbed what he had left in his fridge - ground beef, shredded cheddar cheese, and a little bit of bacon. 
It was the type of foods he usually strayed away from so sometimes when his shopper would bring this stuff home - he’d avoid it and admittedly sometimes it would go bad sitting in the fridge.
The singer pulls up YouTube onto his phone - hoping something would come up when he typed in the ingredients on the search bar.
He clicks on the first video by cookingwithnofucks. A chuckle at the name as an advertisement plays.
A cute, bubbly girl appears on screen in a beautiful modern kitchen. She has a shirt on that says ‘fuck the patriarchy and eat pizza’. A high ponytail and minimal makeup.
“Okay - today we’re making a cheeseburger casserole,” the girl chirps, “It’s a heart attack in a dish but it’s so fucking good.”
Harry finds himself smiling as he crinkles his nose - it sounds absolutely disgusting but he’s intrigued more by the girl on the screen.
“Shit, I forgot to introduce myself. Hiii, if you’re new - I’m Y/N and I do cooking shit. Subscribe to my channel and all that jazz,” she titters while cutting open her beef package.
Harry follows along step-by-step, shaking his head as she doesn’t describe the instructions nearly well enough and is generally all over the place.
It’s a fucking cooking channel and at one point the meat starts burning. She just laughs and says, “s’just a little crispy!” 
The casserole turns out looking even better than Y/N’s to be honest. It’s done in just the right amount of time for him to shower before his family arrives.
He makes sure to subscribe to her channel - eyebrows raising when he sees that she has 16 million subscribers.
Harry wanted to spend longer, looking at her social media but there was a fixed time so he locked his phone and went to get ready.
**
Anne - always the sweetheart just tells Harry that the casserole is delicious even as a bit of grease runs down her fork from the fatty meats.
Gemma wasn’t as kind, grimacing at the casserole and remarking, “You truly are turning into an American, huh?”
**
Laying in bed that night, Harry swipes back onto YouTube. Going back to the page he just subscribed to - under a pseudonym. He clicks on another video.
“Uh, okay. So I’m cooking...fuck, it’s called unicorn bark. It looks like a magical animal puke but it looks delicious so we’re going to try it.”
Harry realizes he’s been watching this girl cook for nearly an hour. Different videos from desserts to dinners.
She curses like a sailor, fucks up almost every recipe, and makes a mess everywhere. But she’s smiling and talkative which makes him quite memorized by her.
**
“I hate editing,” Y/N groans, letting her head fall dramatically against the desktop. Her best friend and dog looked at her oddly.
“I keep saying you need to hire someone, you stubborn bitch,” Laney retorts, clicking through her Instagram feed.
“Fuck off,” she tells her friend with no real heat. The video was almost fully edited - how to make spicy as fuck jalapeño poppers.
There is a calm silence for a while until Laney gasps, “Holy shit.”
“What is it?” Y/N asks, not really caring as she clicks her mouse to trim a segment.
“Harry fucking Styles just followed you on Instagram and Twitter!” Laney shouts, her dog - Rufus popping his head up in confusion.
Y/N looks at her friend to see if she’s really serious and sees no signs of deception. “Oh my god,” Y/N replies. She loved Harry Styles in One Direction and as a solo artist - a fangirl if you will.
Y/N was a well-known influencer and has run in the circles of many celebrities. She’s even met Liam Payne but she’s never been able to bump into Harry.
Her alerts tell her it to be true, she swallows as she looks back up at Laney, “He dm’ed me.”
“Open it! What did he say?” She squeals, squeezing herself on the chair next to her, peering over her shoulder at the phone.
Y/N is a bit nervous, trying not to have a mini aneurysm as she opens the message thread.
HarryStyles: Hello. Just wanted to let you know that your cheeseburger casserole recipe saved my ass last night. Cheers x
“He’s totally coming onto you,” Her friend states instantly, bouncing excitedly - she also had a bit of a crush on the singer.
It takes the two of them a minute to cool their shit before Y/N manages a reply.
Y/N/LN: Well I guess it’s only fair. Your songs have made a few of my nights much better. I’m a bit of a slut for Fine Line.
Harry laughs behind his screen at the cheeky reply he gets back. He’s usually never this forward - especially on social media where he likes to fly under the radar.
HarryStyles: Well if you fancy my music that much, I totally love for you to come to a show. I’m performing in New York City in two weeks.
“This has to be a joke, right?” Y/N sputters to her friend, eyes wide at the invite to a concert she already had tickets to.
Y/N/LN: I’m not going to lie, I already have tickets to the show. However, I don’t have any backstage passes to meet the man of the hour. Do you know someone who can hook me up?
It does wonders for Harry’s narcissism to know that she already had tickets for his concert. Was he really going to do this? He hasn’t met up with some like this since his One Direction days.
He had to remind himself - she may just be friendly and take this as a totally casual interaction. Which would be normal, Harry really shouldn’t be so infatuated with someone he’s watched cook on social media.
HarryStyles: I think I can arrange that. Shoot me your number? I’ll have them sent digitally to you with instructions on how to get backstage.
Y/N is a bit dumbfounded at how fast they agreed to meet up. A harmless backstage tour - he could just be a fan of hers and totally not interested, right?
**
Over the next few weeks, they never really stop texting. Harry sends her pictures of the recipes he copies off her channel - that usually always look better than the original. He sends her clips of him goofing around during tour rehearsal. FaceTimes her when he’s finally home for the night.  
She sends him videos of her watching Harry Styles Best Moment Part Five. A few photos she snaps throughout the city of him on billboards and buildings, in Times Square. YN facetimes him when she’s frustrated with filming or watched a sad movie.
It didn’t make sense to either of them how seamlessly they’d clicked - especially without meeting. They were a perfect balance for each other. Harry - laidback, organized, level-headed. Y/N - eccentric, all over the place, adventurous. 
Jeff had told him that he’s been gaining media attention from his social media interactions with Y/N. They like each other’s photos, begin following each other’s friends, and comment goofy things on their posts.
“Listen, I have a great idea,” Y/N begins - which Harry learned is never good. “You should film a video with me sometime.”
Y/N knew she was going out on a limb and instantly regretted the questions she’d been building the courage to ask for days when it’s quiet on his end. There’s static for a moment and Y/N needs to fill the silence.
“It was - I was just, uh, I know you’re probably too busy. I was -“ She stutters, embarrassment flooding her.
Harry cuts her off, “I’d love to.”
“Yo-you would?” She asks timidly. Was she really going to have Harry Styles in her apartment? If so, should she take down her poster?
He laughs sweetly, “Why do you sound so surprised? I can’t wait to come to New York, love.”
Y/N giggles, “Not the fact that you’re performing in front of a sold out crowd at MSG? I don’t think seeing me will top that.”
“I’ve been looking forward to meetin’ you in person since I came across your channel. You so lovely,” Harry replies, his voice a little softer but more serious.
“I’m nervous,” Y/N admits, picking at a thread in her jeans.
“Me too,” Harry murmurs, despite not wanting to admit it - he wanted her to know this was new territory for both of them. He didn’t want her to think that this was something that he did often. But a little too prideful to admit it’s the first time he’s ever done something quite like this.
“What if you don’t like me?” Y/N whispers, she...well she didn’t compare to the models he’s been seen with before. She’s regretfully fell into the rabbit hole of looking up his past flings and relationships.
Harry barks out a disbelieving laugh, “You can’t be serious, darling. I’ve been gone for you since I saw you burn that ground beef.”
**
Harry was having a bad day - scratch that. An awful one. He tried to go get coffee at eight in the morning and got bombarded by fans, he left the shop without even ordering. They followed him back to his car and it took him fifteen minutes to pull out.
His favorite Mickey Mouse Gucci suitcase he was bringing along on tour had busted. The zipper unraveling and the trim falling off as a result. It was a one-of-a-kind.
Then he’d been stuck on a Skype meeting about tour merchandise with a group of business partners for the last three hours - all he wanted was a fucking nap.
When Y/N’s contact vibrated across his screen, he’s itching to answer but declines as he needs to give these people his attention.
When she calls again, Harry feels a prickle of annoyance. It’s not even at her - to be quite honest. It’s just the shitty day and everything’s piling up.
He always got like this before he kicked off a tour - stress level maxed out and his ability to handle minor incidents nearly shot.
I’m busy
Okay! Sorry, just have a super exciting surprise for you, bub! 
I really do not feeling like talking. I’d rather be left alone.
Oh, alright. Hope everything’s okay! Do you still want to facetime later?
Harry leaves her on read because he doesn’t want to slip up and take out his frustration on her. He’d been known to do that and he didn’t want her to think he was anything but besotted with her.
**
Y/N feels a little hesitant as she begins the uploading process to her channel. The red loading bar told her it’d be twenty-minutes before it’s going to be posted to her 16 million subscribers - one of them being Harry himself. 
Twenty-minutes for her to back out and cancel the upload. She starts having doubts about it when Harry never replies to her text which is unlike him. 
She takes Rufus out to avoid staring at the loading screen with unnecessary anxiety and uneasiness.
**
Harry is just getting home from a business dinner with the touring company’s management team. The tension and anxiety from today piling up on his shoulders and he just wants to call Y/N and crash in bed. 
He tosses his keys in the little bowl in the entry and kicks off his dingy white vans to the side. His phone dings with an alert from Gemma.
You two are the literal cutest ever. It’s quite gross.
Harry slides onto a stool in his kitchen, confused by the text message before she’s sending the link to him.
Fine Line Inspired Cupcakes!
Harry isn’t quite sure why his heart starts pounding furiously in his chest. A sinking feeling in his stomach when he realizes that this was probably the surprise she was excited about.
He clicks on the thumbnail.
“Hiiii, it’s Y/N. Okay, well today we are going to bake some Fine Line inspired cupcakes. And if you haven’t listened to the album - get your ass out from rock you’re living under and stream it on Spotify!”
She has her hair down in long, waves and a loose cropped shirt that says TPWK in rainbow embroidery.
Harrys mouth is dry and he can’t take his fucking eyes away from the screen. 
“Soo, I was thinking the first batch would be cherry flavored? ‘Cause he has a song titled ‘Cherry’. Let’s start there. First - I need to find my measuring cups.”
In true Y/N fashion, she scours her kitchen - cussing and yanking stuff out of her neatly organized cabinets before huffing and storming off to the side.
She comes back into view, a little frazzled but smiling when she holds up the ring of plastic measuring spoons, visible bite marks notched into the material.
“My asshole of a dog had a little snack,” Y/N shows the camera before shrugging, “Let’s get this shit started. Okay, you’re going to need one cup of sugar - no wait, two? I can’t read my fucking handwriting.”
Harry’s absolutely enamored by this scatter-brained, giggly girl who manages to produce cute blue and pink cupcakes that very vaguely resembled his album cover. His heart felt a million times too big for his chest.
He was enraptured for the entirety of the thirty minute video without taking his eyes away once.
To be honest, he hadn’t felt this way since his last relationship which was over a year ago at this point.
It’s not even a thought as he’s requesting a FaceTime with Y/N. 
She answers after a few rings. She has a green face mask painted on her nose, chin, and forehead with gold eye masks under each eye. She is so fucking ridiculous it’s not even funny. 
What is even more ridiculous is how gone Harry is realizing he is for her. She was quirky, unfiltered, carefree. If he was honest - he hadn’t met a girl like that in a very long time - especially a well-known influencer.
“Hi! How was your day, grumpy?” Y/N asks brightly, making a goofy face as the mask begins to tighten and crack on her skin. Not holding the earlier conversation against him and deciding to just move forward. She understood how stressful it can be.
“M’sorry. I was a bit grumpy,” He admits, “I loved your new video, darling. Did you make those just f’me?”
He can tell she’d be blushing if her face wasn’t covered, a bit bashful as she mutters, “You already know I did it for you.”
“You’re too sweet to me, only six days until we meet,” Harry replies, voice taking on a slow, lazy drawl. 
“Six days,” Y/N repeats, eyes crinkling as she smiles with excitement.
**
“Is this outfit too much?” Y/N panics. Even though there’s literally nothing she can do about it - they’re already walking towards the backstage entrance of the massive arena. It’s still about two hours until the show starts but Harry requested her to come earlier.
Laney sighs, “For the millionth time, you look fucking sexy and Harry’s going to want to rail you right when he sees you.”
Y/N shoves her lightly with a faux annoyance as they meet up with a burly man who’s blocking the entrance to the backstage hallway and rooms.
She gives him their names and pulls up the passes on her phone before he’s nodding with any expression and letting them pass.
They’re not quite sure where to go from here so they begin to wander down the long hallway toward what looks to be the main area that people are milling about.
Y/N is nearly on the ground when someone rounds the corner without looking and walks right into her. Both of them let out huffs of air as they collide and attempt to stabilize themselves.
But there are large hands grasping her arms and holding her steady. In typical Y/N fashion she’s already cursing, “fuckin like a brick wall, look out next time.”
Then she’s looking up to Harry staring back down at her with an amused expression. He doesn’t let go of her and instead tugs her against his bare chest. He’s warm and a bit sweaty - like he’d just worked out. He was only in a pair of thin, running shorts, nike tennis shoes, and a little clip holding his hair off of his face.
Y/N can’t help but wrap her arms around his waist, returning the embrace and amazed by how right it feels to be in his arms. Her face tucks right against his collarbone and it’s like they’d known each other for years.
Pictures and videos don’t do this man justice. He’s gorgeous - sharp edges and dark inked skin. Tall and muscular but dimples that are carved in his cheeks. 
“Nice to meet you, m’Harry,” Harry rumbles, removing one hand from Y/N’s shoulder to reach out his hand to her friend.
Laney shakes his hand before asking, “Laney. I’ll leave you two lovebirds be. Where’s the food?”
Harry chuckles against Y/N’s wavy hair, “Down the hall to the left.”
Laney’s trailing off without another glance, she was very food motivated despite her skinny frame. Also not wanting to intrude of the very personal first moments of their meeting.
The popstar pulls back to look down at the girl he’s fallen for in mere weeks. She’s as beautiful as he thought she'd be - if not more. He can’t help himself, “Would it be too forward to kiss you?”
Y/N smiles widely, running a hand along his jawline, “I’ve wanted you to kiss me since you stayed up on FaceTime with me until two in the morning as I cried after watching The Notebook - despite me seeing it a million times.”
Harry ducks forward to press his lips softly to her, large hands come to cup the side of her face as they connect. He’s so gentle as he moves his mouth against hers. In true Y/N fashion, she’s bold and has no hesitation slipping her tongue into his mouth.
He’s so fucking in love with her. It doesn’t make much sense - it’s definitely not logical but he’s realizing that’s okay.
“Oii, get a room!” Someone shouts from down the hallway teasingly.
Harry flips them the middle finger and pulls back, pink lips swollen and puffy, dimples on full display, “Let me take you out to dinner after the show, darling.”
“You going to wine and dine me, Styles?” Y/N giggles, unable to contain the pleasant warmness he’s spreading through her body. 
“Mmm, have t’make sure you’ll want to keep me,” Harry murmurs happily against her lips once again, pressing kiss after kiss to her to make sure she’s real, “Definitely want to keep you.”
Y/N bites teasingly at his bottom lip, hand planted on the soft but firm skin of his stomach, “You’re never getting rid of me, hope you know that.”
“Was hoping you’d say that, now let me introduce you to my band.”
                                  -- ---- ---- -- 1 year later - -- --- --- --
“Hi bitches! Today is a super special day. We have the one, the only Harry Styles filming with us. I know that’s not really that special since he’s on here all the time with me. But we’re celebrating our one year anniversary!” Y/N smiles, bumping hips with Harry who stands dutifully next to her. 
Anyone viewing can see the absolute heart-eyes and adoration he has for the girl standing next to him. He’s still as lovestruck and gone for her as he was the first time they met. Harry’s fans were thrilled - for the first time in years, he’d opened up again.
They weren’t very public on social media beside’s tagging each other in memes and posting the occasional picture. Y/N was constantly uploading cooking videos from wherever in the world she was with Harry on his tour, she’d also begin making vlogs about different foods she’s been experiencing.
---
“Okay, so here in Peru - they’re known to have this really fucking spicy beef with noddles. So obviously, I’m going to make Harry try it first,” Y/N laughs as she props the camera up on the side of the table on a napkin holder.
Harry - who has a concert in a few hours - frowns at the steaming dish in front of him, “Darling, I don’t want to try it first. It’s going to burn my mouth. Not gonna be able to sing.”
“You’re sucha baby sometimes,” Y/N rolls her eyes, slurping up the noodles with her fork while making a silly face at her boyfriend. She pulls back, straight-faced, “It’s not hot at all. Tastes amazing, though.”
Harry takes that as an initiative to shovel a spoonful into his mouth. It only takes half a moment until his taste buds erupt in fiery flames from the spices, “You bloody little brat, y’tricked me! It’s so fuckin’ hot!”
Y/N smiles widely, laughing much too loudly in the restaurant when Harry chugs the glass of water next to the plate while glaring at his love. “I’m sorry, s’just to easy with you, lovie,” She replies, leaning over the table to press a kiss to his lips. 
He’s a sucker for her and kisses her right back despite his mouth being an inferno. His heart was on fire for her and that burned much more intensely.
---
“No, love. The instructions say baking soda, not baking powder. They’re not the same thing,” Harry sighs, attempting to read her scribbled, sloppy handwriting. She’d already spilled milk on half of the paper.
“S’interchangeable, right?” Y/N hums, cracking an egg into the bowl and Harry automatically knows to look to fish out the eggshells that’d she’d let slip in because she sucks at cracking eggs but always wants to do it.
Harry reaches over her, grabbing the vanilla extract and a teaspoon, “It’s not, baby. Lemme do this real quick.”
“Will you make me a grilled cheese after this?” She asks, nuzzling into his side and wrapping her arms around his waist as he finishes adding the wet ingredients to their bowl. Harry stopped questioning her thought process a long time ago.
Harry swipes his finger into the mixture of icing off to the side and rubs it right onto her nose, cackling at her pout and squeaking when she pinches at the fleshy skin of his hips. She in turn dips her finger into the sugary cream and pops it right into her mouth.
Harry eyes darken, watching her lips purse as she sucks off the icing. It was a dirty move on Y/N’s part and she knows it. It has her boyfriend dragging an icing-covered thumb along her collarbone before leaning down to slowly lick up the sugary trail with his tongue.
When Y/N slides her fingers into his hair and lets out a pretty moan, Harry’s standing back up, trailing over to the tripod and saying into the camera, “We’ll be back after a little commercial break,” and is then turning off the record button.
It takes little to no time for Harry to have Y/N’s bum on the countertop, mouth on her neck, and hand in-between her thighs.
And when they finally posted a very edited final cut of the video - well there may be a couple of fans who notice the how flushed Y/N is halfway through and a lovely purple mark on Harry’s neck that wasn’t there in the beginning of the video.
2K notes · View notes
iwadori · 3 years
Text
Why you and the haikyu boys broke up (Atsumu,Oikawa,Kageyama,Kenma,Akaashi,Sugawara)
Tumblr media
Part two: Osamu, Iwaizumi, Daichi, Ushijima
Genre:angst
masterlist
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Atsumu: “god yer so clingy and annoying”
You and Atsumu have been dating for years and every year was worse then the last. Atsumu became more distant and standoffish as your relationship progressed.
“‘Tsumu, where were you said that you’d be back by-“
“Gosh Y/N, just leave me alone, I don’t need you doting all over me like your my mum or something” he said harshly making you flinch
“Well I wouldn’t keep acting like your mum if you weren’t being such a child, you dick”
“God Y/N, yer so cling and annoying”
That was the last thing he said to you, well the last thing you heard, since after that you were gone. You definitely didn’t care for Atsumu anymore and you definitely didn’t care about his mutiple messages and calls asking begging you to talk to him.
You were done and you silently asked yourself the question “who’s the clingy and annoying one now ‘tsumu”
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Oikawa: “If only you supported me like she did then..”
You and Oikawa, the classic ‘highschool sweethearts,’ with him being the athletic trailblazer with you at his side through it all, always known as “Oikawa’s girlfriend”
Being known as that, at first you didn’t mind, since being attached to the Oikawa name in any aspect was something to brag about (especially when you’re a teenage girl.)
But as you got older you didn’t want to be just somebody’s “girlfriend,” you wanted to be Y/N The doctor or Y/N the lawyer, journalist or whatever.
And Oikawa wasn’t particularly fond of the idea.
As the time went on, with you now studying and preparing for your new found dream job (which you were over the moon about.) Oikawa became unbearable, late nights out, always hiding his phone when you were about, he had this odd scent about him one that was different to usual.
He was cheating on you. You knew it, but since there was no physical proof and because you loved him so much accusing him of such a thing could ruin everything.
You didn’t need too though. Since one night, when Oikawa was supposedly meant to be at an away game. He was away, but in someone else’s pants... in your bedroom.
After being caught he pleaded for you to hear him out and when you wouldn’t he said “if only you supported me like she did then I wouldn’t be cheating on you”
That was definitely the final straw, you became the best doctor that Japan had ever seen, and you didn’t know what happen to Oikawa and that girl.
You may of heard through the grapevine that she definitely cheated on him a month into their relationship, but what do you care anyways.
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Kenma: “gosh y/n I’m not your therapist”
Kenma and you were childhood friends before you started dating. You were two peas in a pods.
You worked perfectly as you being the talkative one always talked and him being quiet just always listened.
That’s how you worked and it was fine, right?
Well of course it wasn’t, well at least till when you were a few years into your relationship it wasn’t. Kenma was obviously a popular gamer and kind of a businessman, he wasn’t as free as he used to be and neither were you and you both knew that.
So when you did have time to hang out you most certainly made the most of it, doing what you normally did: you talk, he ‘listens.’
Even though Kenma wasn’t listening anymore, who knows when he stopped listening but he probably hasn’t heard nor cared for a thing you’ve said since you were 5.
“Gosh Y/N I’m not your therapist” he said after you were telling him about a terrible day you had “ I don’t even know why we’re still together, or together at all... “
“Fine, if that’s how you feel I’m gone”
“Wait Y/N I didn’t mea-“
You slam the door blocking out the rest of speech which you didn’t need to hear since obviously ‘you aren’t his therapist.’
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Akaashi: you’re just too much of an idiot too understand.
When you and Akaashi met, it was in one of your classes, and you first noticed him when he was answering in a question in class.
Hot and smart was what you thought when you first laid eyes on him
What you didn’t know by the time you got together was that ‘hot and smart’ translates to the biggest patronising mansplainer ever.
Akaashi has a way of belittling you and dumbing you down, you didn’t know why he was doing it. Heck, you didn’t know he was actually doing it until he actually said “you’re just too much of an idiot to understand.”
The other times it was subtle, but obvious enough to leave you sad and uncomfortable afterwards questioning every aspect of yourself.
One night, you don’t tell him what your doing, you pack up your crap leave the rest of the months rent on the kitchen counter along with a note saying ‘I’m breaking up with you,’
You knew that sooner or later that day you’d get a text from him and you did which read:
Akaashi: what do you mean I’m breaking up with. Why ?
Y/N: oh I guess you’re too much of an idiot to understand.
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Kageyama: you don’t work hard enough Y/N
You were dating the best setter in Japan. It always felt surreal when you said that to yourself, or when someone said that to you.
Since ‘how could you’ get ‘someone like that.’
That was the question that many people asked, since of course ‘Tobio Kageyama was only worth the best of the best,’ and to them you most certainly wasn’t that.
You got comments like that all the time online, but you didn’t care but one time you were scrolling through Twitter and so a post about you and the comments were all talking about your body.
This crushed your heart, as the comments they were making were vile so this definitely hit a tough spot.
When Kageyama came home and saw your distressed state he rushed to your side to see if he could help. However once you showed him what you were crying over, his tone of voice changed as he said,
“They aren’t wrong Y/N, ever since we got together you’ve definitely not really been looking after yourself lately”
“What is that supposed to mean” you retort
“ I mean, you don’t work hard Y/N, you don’t work at all... as of lately you’ve just been bitching and complaining and mooching off of my success whilst you let yourself go.”
Ouch.
“If that’s how you see me, then so be it” you say gracefully standing up and exciting the building. You were done with Kageyama and you both knew that, there was no going back after what he said, especially since you could tell he was thinking that for a while now.
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Sugawara: your not the girl I fell in love with
Sugawara and you were described as the “perfect couple” by people that didn’t know you. Which you always faked a smile a compliment, knowing certainly well you weren’t.
You’ve loved sugawara ever since you met him in your first year. But you knew, you always knew he didn’t love you back.
Kiyoko Shimuzu, her name was. A pretty name for a pretty girl. All the boys were in love with her (some more vocal about it then others) but sugawara even though he wasn’t shouting his love from the rooftops, you caught the looks of adoration he gave her when she was simply walking by.
You dated him anyways, maybe he could sense your desperation or maybe he needed a distraction. You didn’t know why he decided to ask you out and you didn’t care, he was yours and you finally ‘won.’
Well you were winning up till you got a certain invite in the Mail:
You are invited to the wedding of Tanka Ryunnsoke and Kiyoko Shimuzu.
Even though sugawara looked happy at the idea of his two dearest friends marrying, you could tell he was heartbroken. And he knew that you knew.
That is why, on the day before the wedding as you were packing your bags to go, it turns out he was packing his bags too. But for a completely different reason.
“I’m leaving” was all he said at first heading for the door.
“Where? Why?” You aksed
“You know why Y/N, you’ve always known why And itll do more harm then good if we keep this charade up any longer”
“But I love you” you cried latching on to him
“And I love you, but you were not the girl I fell in love with and I don’t think that love will ever stop”
You knew he was right and you let him go, crying over your one true love.
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An: I kinda heavily like this one, (maybe because it’s hard to write on my phone and this style is definitely not what I’m used too so I’m appreciating my efforts.) what do you guys think ??
ALSO MY PHONE WONT LET ME DO READ ORE AND ONCE MY LAPTOP WORKS TOMMOROW I WILL DO IT SO SORRY!!
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Taglist[bold can’t be tagged]: @sakuxxi @iimoonii @hamdehlesmis @Shoyosupremacy @meadowsinjapan @iambashfulperson
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1K notes · View notes
clairecrive · 3 years
Note
can u make a nikolai x reader based on the song mr perfectly fine by taylor swift?
Mr Perfectly fine
A/n: Ahh, thank to you friend, I've been jamming to this song every day lmao Hope I've done it justice x Also, I've left out some parts of the lyrics to make it better fit the story.
(if you want, you can add yourself to my taglist here)
for my other masterlists, you can find them on my navigation page
Word count: more than 7K (ikik it took a life of his own, what can I say)
Warnings: bit of fluff, angst (like a lot), character's death, spoiler if you haven't read Siege and Storm
Tagging: @jupiterandbutterflies (Thank you so much for your comment! I saw it and it made my day✨)
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(I don't remember where I took this from so if you know pls lmk)
Most people knew of Nikolai Lanstov. He was a prince, the second born and the most charming. Most people knew him thanks to the countless rumours that went around at court: supposedly he was not of royal blood. "Sobachka" was what they called him.
No matter how though, everyone knew of the last Lanstov prince. But very little knew him.
Meeting him wasn't difficult. Since he had been of age, Nikolai had always been out of the Grand Palace and among people. He’d also volunteered to enlist in the first army, refusing any kind of special treatment and fought beside his brothers in arms in the infantry. That was part of the reason why everyone outside the court loved him so much.
Being Grisha meant that fighting in the Second Army was mandatory. Not that you minded. There was nothing you wanted more for your people than to finally be free. Also, that Shadow Fold needed to go and as the Darkling has always said, all efforts are necessary.
That’s how you met Nikolai the first time. Generally, the First and the Second Army were stationed in different parts of the campsite. Numerous quarrels between oprichniki and Grisha had rendered the separation necessary. However, you never liked crowds much and living in the Little Palace meant that you were always surrounded by people. So, every chance you had to draw away and be by yourself for a while, you took it. Also, being a Healer meant that you’d spent more time in your assigned tent taking care of soldiers than among them.
Word had gone around that everyone in need could come to you. Usually, you had been instructed by the Darkling that your powers were reserved for Grisha. However, what good was it to have the ability to cure people and only take care of a selected few that very rarely got seriously injured? Meanwhile, soldiers of the First Army often suffered from severe injuries, fatal gunshots or knife wounds. You could help them and possibly save their lives so why shouldn’t you?
That was why Nikolai found you one night. Sure at that point it was just another nameless soldier to you. He had never been in your tent before so you had never seen his face before. The boy whose arm he had draped on his shoulders though, was a usual visitor of yours.
“Oh, Petyr, what happened this time?” gesturing to his blond friend to lay him down on the table, you started gathering everything you needed. Not that you needed much but you had found out that Petyr was absolutely incapable of bearing having his bones or injuries in general repaired without having some kind of pain reliever before.
After a few tries, you came up with a herbal composition that dulled the pain but didn’t make him unconscious. Using kvas would mean that Petyr would be knocked out for a couple of hours. That would put him in trouble with his superiors.
“He’s a fool, that’s what happened.” The explanation came from his friend after he put him down gently. Despite his words, you could hear in his tone worry and guilt?
“If saving your life makes me a fool then go ahead and call me one,” Petyr huffed in pain.
“Who knew you were so brave, uh?” After quickly shredding the herbs you needed, you poured hot water on it and brought the cup to Petyr’s lips while helping him keep his head up.
“He’s the bravest of us all,”
“If I knew it took a bullet wound to make you hand out compliments so easily, I would have done it sooner.” Scoffed Petyr after sending you a thankful look.
“See? What did I tell you? A fool,” his friend said dramatically and you smiled amused at their playful banter.
“Let’s see what we’re dealing with, shall we?” You said out loud to warn both Petyr and his friend. Letting them know what was about to happen was best, your experience taught you. Both for the person on the table that could brace themselves for what was about to happen and for the person with him that was filled with worry and cautiousness. Oprichniki didn’t trust Grisha that much.
After assessing the damage, you let out a relieved sigh as the bullet had gotten through and it had not hit any major artery. It had already got infected though, so you knew it would be a painful one to treat.
“So, did you receive any letters lately, Pety?” You ask, suggestively wiggling your eyebrows while your hands cover the wound. You had your eyes closed to better focus but you were sure that he had rolled his eyes.
“Only from my mum.”
“Don’t tell me you didn’t write her back,” you said, opening your eye just in time to send him a glare.
“Ugh, not this again, y/n, please. Have mercy on me, I’m bleeding all over the table.” Petyr moaned making his friend snicker.
“You’re not bleeding all over the table and if you didn’t notice, I’m already taking care of you, am I not? That doesn’t excuse you for being an idiot, though.”
“Are you two in cahoots or something? It’s not fair. Wounded man over here.”
“Oh shut up.” Both you and his blond friend said at the same time. Petyr moaned once again and you sent a little amused smile to the blondie.
“Should I leave you with a cool battle scar? Maybe acting like a war hero will give you the balls to write to her.” You harmlessly threatened him but your hands were already reconnecting the tissue of his skin without letting it scar.
“I’ve told you, y/n. She deserves better than what I can give her. I am, who knows if I even make it home? I’d be only stringing her along.” Now Petyr was dead serious. It was true, you had talked about this often since he was a regular you got to know him better and he had soon told you about his sweet Katia.
While his friend chanted “fool” like a mantra in the background, you took his bloodied hand in yours, his wound fully healed.
“Petyr, how do you think she’s gonna react when she learns that there hasn’t been any delay to her letters but you’re just ignoring her? Besides, you should let her make this decision too. Who knows, she’ll surprise you.” Squeezing his hand you turned to let your words settle and to put away your utensils. You knew you had given him so much food for thought so you didn’t address the subject anymore. His friend helped him off the table and that’s when you noticed that he was injured too. He had a pretty nasty cut on his lower lip and there was already a bruise forming on his temple.
“Petyr, you can sit on my chair while I take care of your friend. You should be fine but for at least a while don’t stress your body.”
Mentally making a list of the things you need to tend to this kind of wound and where you kept them, you started collecting before heading back to them.
Petyr had sat down but his friend was still standing.
“You don’t have to lie down if you don’t want to, but unless you don’t want me to go take a ladder or something, it would be best if you sat on the table.” You gave him your best reassuring smile as you mixed the healing paste. Sometimes, men didn’t like to put themselves in a vulnerable position with someone they didn’t know and had learned to fear. He wasn’t that badly hurt and it would only take a couple of seconds to fix but not every oprichniki was comfortable with being healed by Grisha power. So the paste would do your job for you. It would take longer, sure and it would also sting a lot more but at least he’d be healed at last.
After looking at you for a little while, the blond man did as you instructed, giving you a dazzling smile in return when you settled between his legs to fix his cut.
“The name is Nikolai or handsome if you prefer.” It was not the first time a wounded soldier tried to flirt with you. IT didn’t bother you, you found them amusing more than anything and you knew it was the allure of someone taking care of them speaking more than any real interest.
“Let’s hope you won’t be around here much for me to learn your name.”
“I’ll have to find another way to make myself unforgettable then.” He winked at you before hopping off the table.
You didn’t address his words, only gave them the paste you had prepared. It would prevent any wound from being infected and would be able to cure small cuts and bruises if applied for a couple of days. With that, you sent them both on their way. Petyr waving you goodbye while Nikolai sent you another wink.
And so this was how it all started.
Mr. "Perfect face"
Mr. "Here to stay"
Mr. "Looked me in the eye and told me you would never go away"
Everything was right
Despite your fellow Grisha, military life could be a bit alienating. Which sounded like a paradox, sure, but everyone had their own way of processing trauma and emotions and of course there were plenty of those during the war. If the best way to come to terms with everything that happened was to distance yourself from others and try to find the solution in solitude, it could get to the point where you’d feel alone in a room full of people.
To get a little respite, you’d usually go on a long walk or resort to stargaze. Sometimes, depending on where you were posted, it wasn’t safe to leave the campsite. So, that’s how Nikolai found you one night. Even he had to take a breather once in a while. Being a different version of yourself based on who you’re interlocutor was must be exhausting. Of course, you didn’t know this. You knew nothing about Nikolai at that point if not that he was Petyr’s friend and a socialite, according to other soldiers.
He seemed to be at the centre of gossip no matter what group of people you found yourself with and there also seemed to be a consensus about him. Everyone liked him. Even if it was rare for some Grisha to appreciate oprichniki, you knew they somewhat respected him because if they didn’t praise him out loud, they didn’t speak ill of him either.
“Not a fan of crowds, are you?” he announced his presence before sitting down beside you.
“I love them, I really do. It’s just that sometimes it gets too much.”
“Yeah, I know how you feel.”
“You do? Everyone seems to think you’re a socialite.”
“It’s what I want them to think but alas, I enjoy being more complex and multifaceted than that.” He lightly bumped your shoulder with his, eyes aflame with mischief.
“I bet.” you simply smirked. Despite how everyone seemed to think they knew him, you got the peculiar vibe from him, like there was a lot more to him than what he let everyone see.
“No one seems to know much about you.”
“Maybe you’ve talked to the wrong people.”
“Well, then I guess it’s better if I got straight to the source, don’t you think?”
“That will surely be a better start. Not sure you’ll find what you’re looking for though.”
“We’ll see.”
That night had been the first of many. It had become a sort of an unspoken arrangement between the two of you. While it didn’t last long, you sensed that you got to know him better than everyone. There was something about late nights meetings under the stars that prompted deep and meaningful conversations. It wasn’t hard to form a solid bond with him after a few nights.
The conversations weren’t always personal in the conventional sense. You’d often stray and talk about the most bizarre things. Like why something had the name it had or how cool it’d be if it was possible to pass through surfaces, which led to imagine all the uncomfortable situations one could find themselves in if they were to simply go into a room through its wall.
Nikolai was witty, overly confident and ambitious and he knew a lot of things. You always wondered how he had learned them since he was so young and been in the army for a couple of years already. But Nikolai was never too forward on certain topics, his family and childhood being some of those. You understood, those were sore subjects for you too. So you never insisted. It was much more interesting to listen to him rumble about impossible future projects of his, like a flying ship.
"When people say impossible, they usually mean improbable." He’d say whenever you’d point it out to him. Somehow, despite the absolute absurdity of them, the sheer confidence that he seemed to constantly exude, made you consider the possibility of his success.
You got the distinct feeling that there was nothing this man couldn’t do.
But that was when I got to know Mr. "Change of heart"
Mr. "Leaves me all alone," I fall apart
It takes everything in me just to get up each day
But it's wonderful to see that you're okay
But, alas, as all things do, these encounters of yours also got to an end. You knew it would happen, you were both soldiers so your lives were both heavily characterised by uncertainty after all. However, you were not prepared for it to end so abruptly though. And without an apparent reason. Because Nikolai’s unit hadn’t been posted elsewhere and he hadn’t been fatally wounded. You would have heard of it were that the case. But it wasn’t.
You thought that he had come to cherish your nightly encounters too. Some of those had been full of his promises. How he’d love for you to be around when he’d eventually find the time to work on his ideas. How you had been a nice surprise, a most interesting person among so many dull idiots you were surrounded by every day. How he’d come to value your opinions and presence in his life and that he was going to find a way to make sure that that would never change. Promises that turned to be empty.
You had never allowed yourself to fully believe him. It wasn’t the first time that a boy had made the same kind of promises but Nikolai looked sincere. Honest enough to be believable. But, of course, you had been wrong.
You didn’t realise just how much you had come to rely on him until he was gone. You tried to keep your mind off him and luckily the perfect distraction came your way. The Darkling had scheduled an attack on the enemy’s army and had posted you to be on the field to take care of everyone promptly. You had never been more grateful to the man, even after he had given her a home and a purpose.
Ever since your first encounter with Nikolai, you had thought it had been a blessing. However, you had soon changed your mind and now considered a curse more than anything. Why? Because as soon as you got to the field you couldn’t help but scour the troops for a familiar mop of blond hair. Many looked like him and being this far you couldn’t be sure that he wasn’t one of them but you certainly despised the leap your heart made every time though. That was a distraction you couldn’t afford. Besides, it wasn’t smart to let your heart get involved in times of war.
The battle began, Inferni and Squallers were working together to impair the enemy’s visual so they couldn’t shoot or use their cannons while the First Army marched after them to swap in as soon as the air cleared to catch the enemy by surprise. While your role wasn’t active per se, you were a Corporalki after all, and even if you had been specifically trained as Healer, you had also got one of your friends to teach you the basics of an Heartrender’s work. You weren’t a powerful one but you could hold your ground in a fight. Especially since they weren’t expecting you. And you were still far from any real threat.
The battle dragged on and soon there were wounded soldiers that needed your attention. You hated this kind of work, it was messy and dirty and had to be quick because spending too much time on one soldier could mean dooming another to death. You were accustomed to it by now and soon found a rhythm focusing on ensuring everyone’s survival and not bothering with the aesthetic side of healing. That could be taken care of later if they wanted to.
As soon as your eyes fell onto a crouched figure you sprinted towards them. It was dirty and you didn’t recognize them but you got the feeling it was a life or death situation. Oh, how you wanted to be wrong.
The person crouching turned out to be Nikolai and he wasn’t alone. He was kneeling beside someone, Petyr.
“Where are you hurt?” you hurriedly asked as you tried to assess the damage. His uniform was dirty and full of blood but you couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. Trying to answer you, Petyr opened his mouth only to let out the most gruesome gurgling sound as his respiratory tract was flooded by blood.
“He got shot in the gut.” Nikolai offered.
“Is the bullet still inside?” Opening his uniform jacket you tore a piece from his shirt to use it to put pressure on the wound.
“It’s too late,” Nikolai uttered.
“No.” You strongly refused as you removed the cloth and focused on the wound. His heart was straightening and he had already lost a lot of blood. If the bullet was still inside that it was going to be a problem, if it wasn’t then you still had a fighting chance.
“I removed it earlier.” So that was why he had lost so much blood. Nodding your head to show that you had heard him, you set out to stop the internal bleeding. Slowing his heartbeat so that it was pumping less blood and thus eased your endeavour. You were still in the middle of the field and while you were keeping up with the warfare but in the back of your mind, you registered the sounds of screaming and of gunshots getting closer. A bullet hit you in the shoulder propelling you forward over Petyr’s body. Grisha’s kefta were bulletproof so you weren’t worried for your incolumity but for the harsh movement you had made.
Leaning back, you heard Nikolai calling for you but your eyes were trained on Petyr. You tried to listen for his heartbeat but could only hear two instead of three. Nikolai, who had never left your side, immediately understood what had happened by the fall of your shoulders and the tensing of your hands.
He kept calling for you but the only thing you could focus on was that you had let your friend down. Now there will be one more family crying for a loss, another girl mourning a lost loved one. And it was all your fault. It was because of you that Petyr wouldn’t live to see another day, to write another letter or to fight another battle. It was on you.
The details of what happened next were a bit blurred. Someway you must have found your way back to the campsite. Whether you did on your own after tending to everyone else, you didn’t know. Your memories picked up after you woke up in your tent. Someone was calling your name, saying that the Darkling wanted to see you.
Mechanically you raised and made your way to the Darkling’s tent but your mind was elsewhere. Your thoughts were plagued by Petyr’s face, by that godforsaken sound he made when he tried to speak. The realisation that he was gone hit you like a wall of brick that would have made you stumble if you weren't’ sat in front of the Darkling’s desk. Whether he was speaking and stopped after seeing the forlorn look in your eyes or he hadn’t been speaking at all, you didn’t realize. You did hear him say that you were going to be posted somewhere. Under different circumstances you have said something, anything to not let him send you away. Your mind immediately went to Nikolai. You’d be leaving him behind along with the campsite.
However, you now realised that you had already lost him. Losing Petyr had been the last thing that had completely severed your bond. There was no turning back now and part of you was grateful.
Hello Mr. "Perfectly fine"
How's your heart after breaking mine?
I've been Miss "Misery" since your goodbye
And you're Mr. "Perfectly fine"
You couldn’t know, of course, but Nikolai had left not long after you did. Albeit for a different reason. He had finally earned the Major rank and as such, he took a step back from military life deciding that his skill would be better suited for a life on the sea. Assuring Ravka the supply she needed but in ways that weren’t exactly suitable for a prince but worked just fine for a privateer. And thus Sturmhond came to life.
As for you, you kept doing your job at your new post but were relieved when a letter came from the Darkling instructing that you were needed at the Little Palace. Part of you had relegated Nikolai to that part of your mind where the unmentionable was, however, a traitor thought whispered that maybe there was a chance that you could see him at the royal grounds. Sure, the possibilities were close to zero but it was still possible, right?
No.
You already were ashamed of the fact that you’re still suffering because of him. And yes, you missed him but you weren’t going to indulge the pathetic hope of seeing him again.
He doesn’t want to see you. If he did, he would have already found you. Or write you a letter if he couldn’t, but he didn’t.
You were right. You knew you were, nonetheless, the thought only brought you a bittersweet feeling.
You found the Little Palace just how you’d left it and yet it seemed changed in a way. The insane amount of work you found there waiting for you helped you drown the feeling that it was you that had changed.
Months passed this way, sometimes the Darkling would post you with him or outside the Little Palace. All in all, you’ve kept busy. When news of the little prince leaving the Palace reached you, you let it wash over you. It wasn’t like it mattered much, whether he was a few feet away or in another nation, Nikolai wasn’t part of your life either way.
When the whole expansion of the Fold happened, you were stationed at the Little Palace. Chaos and terror ensued as soon as the news reached the capital making most of the Grisha flee. Most of them went looking for the Darkling while others simply ran away and hid. You were amongst the first group.
Soon, your life was radically changed. The shift in the Darkling was palpable and it didn’t have anything to do with the scars on his face. You had tried your best to heal them and Genya to tailor them away but somehow, they could not be removed. It was an unsettling thing to realize that they didn’t take away his beauty. One could even say that they enhanced his attractiveness.
He was certainly more powerful. None of you knew what had happened in the Fold that day, just that the Sun Summoner had fled and that there were no survivors apart from him. However, as your journey in pursuit of Alina dragged on, you were soon witnesses of his newfound power.
The nichevo’ya, he called them.
He had always been immensely powerful. One of a kind. But this- this was different. And as dread settled among your group as you watched them in action, realisation sat heavily on your shoulders.
He soon found a trail and traced Alina in Novyi Zem and set out to reach the island by hiring Sturmhond’s crew. He was a famous pirate after all and despite his unreliability, the Darkling was sure that as long as he got his money, he wouldn't be a problem.
In the round trip, you didn’t see much of the captain anyway. Some members of his crew were amiable enough, particularly the Yul-Baatar twins. You had even asked Tamar to spar with you from time to time. Your lessons with Botnik were a distant memory and you knew that mastering combat training skills could increase your chance at survival.
When Alina and Mal were held captive though, that’s when Sturmhond made an appearance. He looked younger than you’d thought and there was something oddly familiar in the way he held himself. Still, you didn't talk with him much. Your job was to take care of Alina and so you spent most of your time in her room.
It wasn’t until the Darkling asked Mal to track Rusalye and consequently spent more time with Alina that you had a chance to talk with him. It was during one of your night shifts when he approached you, the Darkling had wanted some of his to always be patrolling the ship.
“What could possibly make a little thing like you be amidst this wretched company?”
“It’s all a matter of perspective, I guess.”
“The thrill of adventure?”
“There’s plenty of it everywhere you go if you’re Grisha, even if you just go on a stroll.”
“Is that why you follow him?”
“I owe everything to him.”
“I’m sure you realize your role in this.”
“Of course I do. I’m not some naive girl who has a crush on her general.”
“Ah, so who, pray tell, do you have a crush on then, beautiful lady?”
“You’re certainly noisy for a pirate.”
“Privateer,” he corrected you, “there’s not much to do around here is it?”
“Not if you have everyone taking care of it, no.”
“Amuse me.”
“It isn’t wise to let the heart get involved in times of war.” That was all you were willing to share. Yes, he was handsome. Yes, the twinkle in his eyes was oddly familiar but he was a stranger. A dangerous one.
“Those sound like words spoken from experience.”
“Maybe.”
“Well, I’d say it’s no fun to only think about war. Life is so much more.”
“Believe me, if I could, it’d be the last thing on my mind. But, alas, l don’t have the privilege to do so.”
You had already lost too much time speaking with him. If someone were to see you or tell the Darkling you’d be in trouble. And you had made it your goal to never put yourself on the path of the Darkling’s anger. So you excused yourself and went back to your rounds.
If only you had stayed and talked to him more maybe you would have understood what was about to happen. Maybe you would have had an enkindling of Sturmhond’s plans. Instead, you were taken by surprise, just like everyone in your group, when Rusalye was spot and a shot was fired. You had found yourself in the uncomfortable position of having to fight against people you had grown to like.
“I don’t want to hurt you, y/n,” Tamar warned you as you stood face to face on the sinking ship dock. Her trusted axes in her hands while your hands were raised ready to attack.
“I don’t want to hurt you either.”
“Then you don’t have to. Come with us.” Her proposition made you gasp.
“That would be treason,” you whispered hoping that the Darkling wasn’t around to hear you. A shiver ran through you as you thought of the punishment he’d give you for even thinking about leaving his side.
“Then you leave me no choice.” She said lowering her arms. Was that guilt you heard in her voice?
Before you could voice your question though, she shouted for her brother and not even a second later, you felt your body grow still. Your eyebrows faltered as you felt your heartbeat slow down.
They were Grisha.
They must have seen you realise because you heard Tamar apologize before everything went black.
Mr. "Never told me why"
He goes about his day
Forgets he ever even heard my name
Well, I thought you might be different than the rest, I guess you're all the same
You didn’t stay out for long though. As soon as Sturmhond’s crew had left the Darkling’s ship and had safely made it onto the Volkvolny, the privateer had asked for you to be awakened.
There wasn’t enough light for you to realize you were on another ship, what alerted you of your new situation were your hands. They had bound them behind your back. Immediately you started to struggle, hoping to wiggle out of the restraints. To no avail though. Huffing out in frustration, you settled for looking around you and see if there was something you could use. That’s when you noticed him.
“Release me- this instant, or else-”
“Or what? You’re a Healer. Not exactly a violent job, is it?” Sturmhond interrupted you, a smirk on his face since he had the upper hand.
“I don’t need my powers to kick you in the ass, do I?” He laughed but didn’t look remotely threatened. Rather amused, actually.
“Please, you have to let me go. He’ll kill me if-” Panic started to build as you realized that there was no way you could successfully escape.
“He won’t touch you.” A solemn glow took over his eyes. “He won’t ever hurt you again, you have my word.” He promised, looking subtly at your left shoulder. You winced as you realized that he must have seen your scars. The ones left by the Darkling’s niche’voya.
“How can I know if you’re trustworthy? You don’t exactly have a good score, you know?”
“You’re going to find out soon enough. Don’t worry.”
Of course, he didn’t bother offering further explanations. He’d left it at that. You weren’t a captive per se but he left your hands bound, only freeing them when you needed to eat or relieve yourself.
Fruitless were your efforts in making you tell more. He often ate with you and would check in at least twice a day but that was it.
It wasn’t until after you had landed after that forsaken vehicle of his had gotten you through the Fold that you understood. His coming out as Nikolai Lanstov, prince and second in line for the Ravkan throne, had shaken you all to your core. However, you doubted that it had sent a pang to the others’ hearts as it did with yours.
Nikolai Lantsov. The man you had been dreaming about, the one that had left you behind without any sort of explanations, the one you missed so dearly, had been by your side all this time.
You weren’t sure how you felt. It made sense now why his eyes looked familiar and his posture. You then connected that the vehicle you had used in the Fold had been one of the many projects he used to geek about with you. It tasted a lot like betrayal. Not because he had lied to you about his name but because he had tried to get close to you again and had managed to somehow break that growing bond again.
'Cause I hear he's got his arm 'round a brand-new girl
I've been pickin' up my heart, he's been pickin' up her
So dignified in your well-pressed suit
So strategized, all the eyes on you
Oh, he's so smug, Mr. "Always wins"
So far above me in every sense
So far above feeling anything
Even if his secret had been outed thus causing some shift in the dynamics between Nikolai and the two new members of his crew - you suspected Mal was closer to punching him every second that passed- not much had changed for you.
On the outside, you pretty much looked like a prisoner. Albeit a very clean one. You rode with them, hands still bound, scowl ever-present on your face.
Nikolai had not come to see you ever since that night after the Fold. And now it had been almost a week since you had started your journey back to the capital. Whether this was all part of his plan to make you look the part of the captive even more or he was just gutless, you didn't know. It was working either way though.
You liked to think that his reason was simply that he didn't care. He had far too much on his plate right now as it was. Going back to court after years of absence while also making claims to the throne and trying to sway the Sun Summoner your way. It was no easy feat. But hadn't he always liked to say that impossible often meant improbable? A lot of things had changed since that night but even so, you'd still pose your bet on him that he'd be able to achieve anything he set his mind to.
It wasn't exactly that thinking this way brought you actual comfort. Of course, not. But it was better than foolishly hoping for him to still care about you the way you did for him. After all, he had sent plenty of signals that pointed in the other direction.
But then why did he kidnap you? Why take you with him? You weren't that close to the Darkling to be of any use to Nikolai in that way. And, as a matter of fact, no one had come to interrogate you regarding his plans or whereabouts. Then why?
You still couldn't figure it out.
Some days your anger shifted more to frustration and you were ounces away from asking for him yourself. Almost as if he had heard you though, he gave you the final push.
It was the usual day, Nikolai and Alina were riding in the carriage, stopping in every village we passed to meet with the locals. However, this time, before climbing back into the carriage, they kissed.
You were too far to figure out who started it and the details. The gist of it was enough though.
You most certainly were a fool. Still thinking about a guy who didn't give two shits about you, who had kidnapped you putting you in a dangerous situation and you were still wondering whether he felt something for you or not? Pathetic.
You had to do something about your situation and quickly too. Officially, you were a traitor. You had fled and joined the Darkling, that wouldn't make you look good in front of the king. He was a lousy bastard anyway and will probably sentence you to death to set an example. You hadn't survived so much shit to end up at the end of a rope.
So, even though you had initially thought against it since you were so close to home, you decided to escape. You were already headed towards certain death so what was the worst that could happen?
Your hands were left unbound when you were in your tent. One less problem to solve. Closing your eyes, you focused on listening for any nearby heartbeats. You heard two, those of the guards posted outside your tent. Maybe you could find an excuse to call them inside, put them to sleep and then slip away.
That was not exactly what your powers were for but you were desperate. You had to at least try.
And so you did. You called them in and immediately set out to slow their heartbeats. You had almost succeeded in putting them under when someone else slipped in. The last person you wanted to see.
"Am I that bad of a host?"
You didn't meet his ruse though, you knew it would make you lose focus.
"I'm afraid I have to ask you to release my soldiers." As soon as he said it though, they fell unconscious at last. Your chest was heaving by now, using so much power in such a different way was costing you. But you couldn't back down now. It was one on one and you were Grisha and a woman scorned. He stood no chance.
"Move out of my way, your highness."
"I'm afraid I can't do that."
"You can or I can make you. Your choice." The venom in your voice was unmistakable and it took him by surprise. He gave you a curious look tilting his head to the side like he was seeing you for the first time over again.
"I didn't realize ruthlessness was one of your personality traits."
"You know nothing about me," you seethed. The tip of your fingers flexed, the tension in the room could be cut with a knife and you were already weary.
"It may have been a while y/n, but I like to think I know a good deal about you."
"And I would like to completely erase this last year but you don't hear me yap about how shitty it has been, do you?"
"You never did like opening up much."
"I'm well past the point of sentimentalism, Nikolai. It is coming far too late anyway. And whatever my feelings for you may be, I won't let you put my life on the line." Your posture straightened, stance ready for battle.
His eyes flashed, jaw clenched. His hands closed in fists and he almost looked hurt. But why would he?
"Is that what you think all of this is?" Nikolai always acted aloof. He was always composed and dignified. You had thought it was for his insane amount of self-confidence but now you understood it was for how he was raised. But you recognised the pout on his lips. It was the expression he’d always have whenever he tried to get something from getting to him. To prevent himself from showing emotions.
"You're holding me captive while you go around Ravka parading your latest conquest, flashing your return everywhere. I don't know why you're doing this but I don't care. I've stopped waiting around for you and I certainly won't let your father put me to death."
"You think I'd let him?"
"So you want to do this?" you threw your hands up in exasperation, "Fine. You really want to know what I think?"
"Be my guest."
"I think that the Nikolai I knew would have left out of the blue without so much as a letter. I think that the Nikolai I knew was ready to go to any length to achieve what he believed in. However, I thought that the Nikolai I knew cared about me and what we had but look at me now. So maybe, I know nothing at all."
"You certainly do seem to know a lot of things. But you’re not wrong."
"If this is the way you care about me," I gesture to my tent, "then I'm not sure I want this Nikolai to care for me."
“This,” he said, emulating your gesture, “is to keep you safe. This is my way to ensure that if the Darkling got news of your whereabouts, he’d be sure not to think you willingly left his side and betrayed him.”
“That’s because I didn’t!” You raised your voice in outrage. The nerve of this man.
“Spare me your indignation. I know you hate being at his beck and call, to do his dirty work and be constantly surrounded by warfare.”
“Do not presume to speak for me.” You snapped. You knew it was best to keep a cool head but his cockiness was getting on your nerves.
“Didn’t you? Hate it, I mean.”
“We’re at war, Nikolai. Being away or close to the Darkling won’t change that. At least with him, I was safe.”
“You can’t be that delusional to think that he was protecting you.” He scoffed at your words as if they were the most absurd thing he had ever heard.
“And you can’t be that delusional to think that bringing me back won’t result in your father killing me.” You fired back shifting on your feet. He winced as if you had physically hurt him.
“You have so little faith in me?” His voice was just above a whisper and you knew that your words had struck a chord.
“How can I have any, Nikolai?” your voice softened a bit. “One day you’re telling me how much you value my opinion, you promise me a future where I’d be the first to see your project come to life and then you left. You just left, Nikolai.” And when I was starting to make my peace with it that’s when you come back? Also, let’s not forget about my abduction and your flirting with Alina.”
“So yes, I don’t trust you.” You concluded, crossing your arms on your chest with finality. He just stared at you for the longest time. If someone would come in now, they’d think you were in the middle of a staring contest. Then he sighed and started talking.
“I had to go away. I had already pushed my parents’ limits when I said I wanted to be part of the infantry. So, one day I got a letter written by my father personally and I knew that my time was up. I had been Nikolai for too long, now I had to start being a Lantsov prince.” His eyes were on the ground now, shame making her way in his words.
“So that’s what I did,” he went as he started pacing,”I went to Kerch to study, just like my father wanted. I did what he asked, he couldn’t reproach me anything now. I could never stay too still though, a life of adventure was calling me and I could not ignore it. It was only then that I realized that I could do so much more than sitting in a class, to realistically help Ravka.”
“I couldn’t take you with me. You had such a larger role to play in the army and besides, there wasn’t much I could offer you. So yes, I left. I left thinking that I would find my way back to you eventually.” He had stopped by now, regret was swirling in his shining orbs as he looked at you.
“You could have told me.” You contestated, taken back by all the information he gave you. “I would have waited for you.” A whispered promise for something that would never be now.
“I was afraid, y/n. That’s not my best moment, I know and no number of apologies could ever make it right. But I was afraid of your answer. I knew I’d be asking for a lot and let’s be honest-” the desperation in his tone was evident now, he had unconsciously started to lean towards you but you knew what he was about to say.
“You weren’t sure if the future you were offering me would just end up with me being your mistress, am I right?” Your tone hardened but despite the insulting implication of what you said, you weren’t made at him.
“I’m a prince, y/n. We do not marry for love and this country cannot afford to disregard the advantages that a political union could bring.”
His honesty was as refreshing as it was unsettling. He was right. As soon as you had learned he was a prince, you realized just what kind of future you could have with him. But then he left and that problem did not exist anymore. Neither of you spoke, both of you were seizing the other. You had laid it all out, defences were down putting you both in a vulnerable position.
And someday maybe you'll miss me
“You should have talked to me, Nikolai. We could have figured it out together. If it came to being your mistress to stay with you, then that was my decision to make.” You said softly after a while. It pained for you to say this, you would have never thought that getting closure would hurt this much.
Tears streamed on both of your faces, in front of you had been laid what your future could have looked like. It was everything you had wanted, you could still do your job and have the man of your dreams. You were surprised to find that you wouldn’t mind sharing him with his supposed wife. You had been at court for enough time to know how most marriages went. If he assured you it was only a diplomatic affair but that his heart was yours, that would have been enough. Who knows, maybe she’ll get a lover too.
But now… now you didn’t know if you could ignore everything that happened. You did not trust him nor could you ignore how hurt you were by his lack of communication and thus of trust in you.
But by then, you'll be Mr. "Too late"
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lucy90712 · 3 years
Text
Gender reveal (pregnancy series)
Again just like my last part of this series gender is on a spectrum and changeable but this is the common term so that is what I'm going to use but I still believe that everyone is valid no matter their gender.
Series masterlist
George:
Me and George didn't have any big plans for telling family because it really wasn't that big of a thing over in England to do gender reveals (I think this is true like I never really hear about them over here but some people do do them) so we decided just to tell them in person. Today George's parents are coming over so we are going this chance to tell them because they know that we were able to find out at our last appointment.
They arrived and brought dinner with them which was very unnecessary but also very nice of them to help us out like that. We ate dinner together just kind of casually nothing too serious because all of us are so close that we don't often do proper family dinners or whatever unless it is Christmas. After dinner George's mum helped me with washing the dishes before we sat down on the sofa together to play some games but not before me and George told them the news.
"Ok so you know that we found out the gender so we wanted to tell you" I started
"We're having a girl" George exclaimed
"Thats so exciting I can't wait to buy cute little things for her" his mum said
They were so excited to go out and buy little things for their granddaughter that she could keep as memories which put things into a whole new perspective for both me and George to the point that we both felt so unprepared because we have nothing for the baby and were already halfway through the pregnancy.
Dream:
Clay wanted to do something for his family and mine to reveal the gender so we set up a little party with just close family where we were going to tell them using a onesie clay had made with his trademark smiley face on it in pink with a white background which was actually really cute and I can't wait till she can wear it.
I have been setting up decorations out in the garden all morning it's not a whole lot but it has taken me a while because I keep getting distracted. When it was done there was balloons in blue and pink as well as bunting and table cloths and we had cupcakes with different colour icing on them just for fun. Everything actually looked pretty good with a bit of straightening up from where my brain had just thought of something else that needed doing it would be perfect.
Our families soon arrived and enjoyed the cupcakes and chatted about what they thought we were having. Once it felt like a good time Clay got the box that we wrapped the onesie in and brought it outside so we could let them open it, both of our moms opened it together while the rest of our families watched from behind them. They opened the box and pulled out the onesie looking at it for a second before it sunk in what they were holding.
"Congratulations you two" my mom said
"This onesie is so cute did you get it made?" His mom asked
"Yes I did and I got a few others but they haven't arrive yet" Clay said
"Wait I didn't know there was going to be more" I said
He is full of surprises this man but I'm not going to lie I was quite looking forwards to this one.
Sapnap:
Seeing as Sapnap's family have been so supportive of us we wanted to do something for them to announce the gender so Sapnap and I have been planning a little party for everyone where we are going to cut a cake to tell them the gender. I also thought it would be fun to have a little box for people to put guesses of what they thought we were having in and we would total it up before the reveal to see if they were right.
Everyone came over and we talked for a while with them trying to get information out if me to try and make their guesses on the gender. We took the box with all the slip of paper in and me and Sapnap counted them together.
"Thats 3 for boy and 9 for girl" I said
It was kind of funny to see the results especially knowing what the baby actually is. Sapnap gave me a look and we grabbed the knife we had prepared and I put my hand on his so we could cut the cake we had together. We cut a slice to reveal the blue sponge inside which we showed everyone and their reactions were priceless because they definitely didn't expect us to be having a boy.
"It's a boy" Sapnap exclaimed
"There is no way I was sure it was a girl" his mom said
No one believed us to start with but we managed to convince them as time went on.
Quackity:
Me and Alex had told all of our family separately in person but he still wanted to film a video that won't go out for a while but he wanted to do it for fun. He wanted us to do old wives tales to see if they were accurate. He had some ready that he wanted to do some of which seemed more scientific than others but we did them all anyway.
We started with the ring test where we took one of my rings I wear all the time and used a strand of my hair to hover it over my bump. It swung in a straight line which indicated girl which we marked down on a white board. Next we did the mirror test and I looked into the mirror for a minute to see if my pupils dilated which they didn't which also indicated girl.
The next one we did was kind of gross and involved baking soda which we had to put into a cup of my pee and see if it fizzed which it did which indicated boy. The last one we did was the heartbeat test which said that if the heartbeat was over 140 it is a girl which our baby's was.
I was quite surprised that they were mostly right but of course the fans didn't know that so we had to do a final reveal where we told them that it was a girl. I'm quite excited for the video to go out after we tell fans about the pregnancy because it was actually quite fun to film.
Karl:
We didn't really have anything planned but the mr beast crew set up a little party for us where we could tell them the gender because they are so desperate to know. To actually reveal it we decided to get a balloon with blue confetti inside it despite knowing when it popped it would scare me it was going to be fun for everyone else.
They had set everything up pretty extravagantly because that’s how they do things, there was so many decorations and way too much food for anyone to eat. We had a nice time though eating way too much food and Chris gave us a bunch of advice for when baby arrives.
Eventually we got up and brought in the balloon and got ready to pop it with a knife, Karl held the knife while I held the string of the balloon. He gave me a warning before he popped it still made me flinch and I felt the baby jump inside me but when I opened my eyes after just a split second and there was confetti everywhere.
"We're having a boy" Karl practically squealed
"Yay Tucker can have a little friend" Chris said
Wilbur:
Me and Wilbur have told all of our family the gender of the baby but no friends know so he invited some to our place to hang out and so we can tell them the gender. We have spent most of the morning cleaning the place and sort of setting up like cooking and baking but now everything is pretty much ready as people are arriving.
Phil arrived first and brought us some baby clothes which was very sweet of him, all of the others arrived not long after and we all sat down to talk and tell when what we are having. Wilbur had ordered some onesies for the baby which were pink which we were going to show the group. Wilbur left the room for a minute at some point and came back with the onesie in his hands but behind his back.
"I got this the other day and its just to cute" he said holding it up
"Wait does that mean your having a girl?" Tubbo asked
"Yeah we are" I said
They were all very excited and can't wait to meet her but for now they can look at the bump which I did let them feel which I don't let most people do but Tommy especially was so excited I thought why not.
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