#and like... it is not a bad thing to relate to holden a Little Bit

[diningwiththeasquiths]

Bill x Holden smut

The large upholstered chair in the corner of their motel room is not only comfortable, it's also sturdy. It seems to be able to take their combined weight quite easily. There's no abnormal creaking at least, as far as Bill can tell over the sound of heavy breathing and skin-on-skin friction.

Holden's in his lap, clutching at his shoulders as Bill works them both with one hand. Every so often their lips briefly connect in something resembling a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss, but Holden's far too preoccupied with the double handjob to focus on any actual kissing.

So none of that, but thankfully also none of the work-related babble that his partner continuously brings up during the most inappropriate moments. He can't seem to switch it off, and the worst part is that Bill often finds himself going along with it, putting whatever mundane or amorous thing he'd been doing on hold, Holden's obsession as infectious and irresistible as the man himself.

Getting him out of his own head like this is a rare thing. Bill would love to take credit, but he knows it's got more to do with the fact that they're in-between cases right now than with his sexual prowess.

Still, he puts in the effort, and after a while gets rewarded with a shuddering inhale and Holden's body going tense, Holden's eyes closing while his mouth drops open, and then the sensation of a slimy warmth covering his fist as sharp exhales caress his flushed face.

Once Holden softens to the stage that he slips from his grasp, Bill's left to stroke himself while Holden comes back down to earth and watches him with renewed focus. He doesn't feel particularly close to coming yet, and Holden's scrutiny isn't helping. Like the younger man's waiting for him to put on his shoes and jacket so they can check out, or for him to finish his burger so they can be on the road again.

"It's going to take a bit more than this for me," he grits out, refusing to feel bad about it. Lasting longer used to be a good thing. Having some snot-nosed youngster going off like a rocket every time Bill's hand so much as brushes past his dick does make him feel his age though, not to mention a little uncomfortable about being with someone several decades younger than him.

His words spur Holden into action, always ready to improvise if the situation calls for it. He slips off of Bill's lap onto the carpet—which busy pattern ingeniously hides how disgusting it most likely is—and looks up to meet Bill's eyes before opening his mouth and extending his tongue in a lewd manner, the intention crystal clear.

Bill's hand picks up the pace. Aided by the mess Holden left it flies over his cock like it has a mind of its own, his finish line abruptly approaching.

"Jesus fucking Christ," he pants, shifting forward in his seat so he can at least make an attempt to aim. His awareness shrinks down to two things: the wet squelching of his fist around his increasingly sensitive dick, and the shiny pink of Holden's flattened tongue.

It's not quite the bullseye at the gun range, but he manages to get a volley of come across Holden's open mouth in a satisfying streak, and two others on the rest of his face. Holden's eyes are squeezed shut in self-preservation. He retracts his tongue, and Bill knows him well enough that he isn't expecting him to swallow, which he doesn't.

He's still chasing the last weak pulses of pleasure when Holden rises from the floor. Bill watches him feel his way to the ensuite bathroom with outstretched arms, stumbling blindly into the small space, clearly not wanting to get any of it in his eyes.

Reclining in the chair, Bill's breathing and heart rate gradually return to normal. Holden must have located the sink, because he can hear him spitting into it, then the sound of water running. The next craving arises, to replace the one he just satisfied, but his packet of smokes is next to the ashtray on the nightstand all the way on the other side of the room.

Instead of getting up, he gives in to the self-indulgent laziness washing over him and decides to ask Holden to pass him a lit cigarette, the ashtray and some tissues when he's finally done scrubbing his face. He tips his head back, a relaxed smile pulling at his lips. Holden was right, this definitely beats a day at the golf course.

#this is what happens when I have a long weekend with zero plans #I thoroughly enjoyed myself and it felt really good to finally write something again #please lemme know if you like this and consider checking out my other bill x holden and mindhunter posts #because this fandom can feel a little lonely. even for an online hermit like me #bill x holden #dining writes

[kaschemme]

holden is literally the most perfect, spot on voice of a sixteen year old boy i've ever read. a bit annoying, caught up in his own business, pessimistic, opinionated. this book felt like being at a restaurant or something trying to have a conversation with him and he just won't stop talking, or let you get a single word in.

i can applaud Salinger for making the book sound, in a way, effortless: it never seemed to me like he was having trouble formulating sentences or the tone, it just flowed out of him. and i think that is extremely important to make a style like this convincable. and i love books that are ambitious and divisive in their style, but only if i agree with it (in this case, i do).

now that i'm at the end of this book, i like Holden, in the way that he's my annoying and stupid little brother, who i want nothing bad to happen to and want to keep save from our parents. at the same time, i equal parts related to his feelings and knew that he was wrong about as many things.

my favorite part was the last chapters, from when he snuck into his sisters bedroom. i loved their interactions. i thought the ending was perfect, and wrapped up my so-so feelings and thoughts very well into a beautiful package that i appreciate and will keep in my brain for a while. definitely didn't understand everything this book was saying, but reading literature like this multiple times is half the fun.

( review dedicated to the-catcher-in-the-rye-stan @bethegaycowboy :-) )

[anonymously-gay45]

I just finished listening to the solitaire audiobook for the first time. I'm in shock, I don't cry, but if I did, I would be crying right now. The resources and helpline numbers are playing in my ears.

I'm feeling a bit like Tori Spring lately. Feeling as though everything bad is my fault. And I don't care about anything. The only main difference is that I don't have a Micheal Holden to pull me from the edge. It's just me. I don't even have a Charlie Spring, who needs me too much for me to let go. All I have is my Oliver Spring, too young to know what's going on, but old enough to know I'm different. She's my little sister, and she needs her big brother to be here, to get out of bed, to take her to school, to the park, to play Barbies with her. (even though Barbies are a bit stupid in my opinion, and she never lets me make them gay) I believe everyone has a reason to live, but sometimes it is hard to find, my sister needs me, and my cat would miss me.

Anyway... I'm done with my ramble about my problems... Damn, this is really turning into Tori's blog about all the stupid shit in my life. Whoops.

Anyway... Solitaire is up there in my list of favorite books now. I can relate so deeply to Tori and Charlie. It's a bit sad that I relate the most to the saddest characters... I also think I relate to Michael Holden. He acts like he is happy all the time, and still doesn't have friends, he never talks about his feelings or problems, but he listens to Toris. I am most likely the three most depressing characters, shit.

I can say a lot about Solitaire, but this is more a post about me again, even though these posts get almost no attention, I don't care, this is my blog, and I will post what I want.

I found that part one chapter 12 and 13 made me very sad, I stated before that I don't cry, I can't remember the last time I cried, like actually cried. It must have been months ago, maybe when I lost all my friends... Or before that when my best friend almost died. I don't remember. Both of those things were over a year ago now, and I don't think I've really cried since, I just haven't cared enough. I fell off of my skateboard and injured my knee, I didn't even get close to crying... I just remembered the last time I cried. My mother had just found out about my SH, and I couldn't look at her, I cried that day, that was six months ago now.

Time seems to be passing too quickly, it's finals week at school, half term. It's almost Christmas again, only 9 days until Christmas Eve, so eight days until my dad's Christmas Eve. I feel sick knowing that. I don't want Christmas to happen. The big Christmas dinner, the big Christmas breakfast, the hot cocoa, the caroling, the Christmas lights that blind me, the presents, trying to figure out what to ask for on Christmas. (probably just books, and maybe a camera) I happen to hate Christmas, if you couldn't already tell, and it's in only a week, I feel sick.

p.s. I will post a solitaire update later today, I have nothing better to do today.

[klavierbi]

every time i see someone speak vehemently against the catcher in the rye my appreciation for the book grows 10% stronger

#if you're reading it only through the lens of whether you condone holden's actions or not YOU'RE READING IT THE WRONG WAY #like it is literally a character study. the POINT is that holden is flawed and complex. ALSO HE'S A TEENAGER #everyone who says 'i distrust people who identify with holden'... how many people have you met who genuinely do that. how many #and like... it is not a bad thing to relate to holden a Little Bit?? controversial opinion i GUESS but like. the whole book has these #themes of isolation & feeling alienated from your peers #which i'm pretty sure most people can understand at some point in their life #so even if you do relate to holden my first instinct would... not be to think that you're a Bad Person for it. like wtf #and like... whatever. holden doesn't make the best decisions. he is also a kid with a considerable amount of baggage who is clearly #struggling emotionally thruout the book. i don't know. #it's fine to dislike it of course that's just personal preference but i'm tired of seeing ppl say that enjoying the book is a red flag #or whatever... like it's. good. it's a good book. every character has such a distinct voice also unreliable narrator stories are INTERESTING #sorry i just. keep seeing bad takes online <3 #i have more thoughts about this actually. idk if it was just my english classes but i feellike. ppl will just refuse to empathize w characte #characters* when it comes to analyzing them. yes i am still mad about how my 10th grade class discussed the kafka unit. #'inara you just have bad taste' i watched glee. you can't hurt me. i know this already x #anyways yeah sorry if u disagree with this. spending so much time on social media these months has desensitized me to posting potentially #lukewarm takes #phae.txt #OKAY i have to get back to finishing my project. #WOWWWW edit: i did not realize how chunky these tags were.

[maybankiara]

PHONE SWAP (DREW STARKEY)

15: ALCOHOLISM IN HOLLYWOOD

summary: Addie Mallory is just your average economics student when she meets Drew Starkey at her local Target in Atlanta. This is where the story is supposed to end – a short meeting and a picture to go – except Drew accidentally leaves with the wrong phone, and the story begins, instead.

w/c: 500

a/n: ok so this is a couple of hours late bc i forgot about it (oops)

read on wattpad

previous part | series masterlist

Me | 5:19pm Does Patty need these papers today or can we just give them to her tomorrow?

Holden Bradfield | 5:21pm Today Holden Bradfield | 5:21pm But if we finish them before she comes to work we can chuck it on her desk and hope for the best ahahah

Me | 5:22pm Oh fuck I forgot she’s in on Sundays 😭 Me | 5:22pm Rip Me | 5:23pm How bad is the punishment if she doesn’t get it on time

Holden Bradfield | 5:24pm ...I’ve heard rumours of a cauldron and green smoke and sizzling Holden Bradfield | 5:25pm Are you sure you won’t manage to finish it today? Holden Bradfield | 5:26pm I’ll cover for you dw

Me | 5:28pm NO!!! Me | 5:28pm I’ll just take the blame on myself Me | 5:28pm You’ve got that other case to do

Holden Bradfield | 5:31pm It’s fine hahaha Harrington won’t eat me alive if I’m a day late

Me | 5:32pm No I don’t want you to be late bc of me Me | 5:32pm I’ll try to get my essay done, I ended up meeting a friend today and I’m so fucking behind rn

Holden Bradfield | 5:34pm You just work on your essay Holden Bradfield | 5:34pm You’re the one out of the two of us doing a full-time Master’s and a full-time job!! Holden Bradfield | 5:35pm I’ll finish up with our case and then you can pay me off next weekend, yeah?

Me | 5:38pm Are you sure you’re okay with that?

Holden Bradfield | 5:39pm You know Patty has a soft spot for me 😉

Me | 5:40pm No comment 😂 Me | 5:44pm Ok so I definitely won’t be able to finish the case today Me | 5:45pm I’ll buy you a bigass candy cane or that fluffy sweet thing that melts on your tongue Me | 5:56pm Just to see it all over your face again 😂

Holden Bradfield | 6:01pm That honest to god sounds like heaven!! Holden Bradfield | 6:02pm Although, I’d say this warrants more than just that...

Me | 6:04pm You’re saving my ass from being burnt in a witch’s cauldron. Name your price big boy 😂

Holden Bradfield | 6:02pm Let me take you out for dinner Holden Bradfield | 6:02pm Just the two of us, whenever you’re available

Me | 6:06pm Does Saturday work?

Holden Bradfield | 6:07pm You’re gonna keep me waiting a whole week? 😯

Me | 6:08pm In between work, classes, studying, and prescheduled plans, you’re lucky it’s just a week 😂

Holden Bradfield | 5:09pm Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth I guess hahah Holden Bradfield | 5:10pm 7pm?

Me | 5:10pm Probably, but I’ll have to let you know on the day 😊

Holden Bradfield | 5:11pm It’s a date, then!

◇

Me | 7:48pm Drewdrew Me | 7:48pm How’s LA?

Drew | 8:22pm Hot as always Drew | 8:22pm Come think of it, I’m pretty sure underneath hell there’s LA Drew | 8:23pm So I meant hell under LA but hey same shit!!

Me | 8:25pm Lol both are probably true

Drew | 8:26pm Yeah I wouldn’t be surprised 😂 Drew | 8:26pm How’s Atlanta? Drew | 8:27pm I can’t believe it’s Wednesday already

Me | 8:27pm Boring as fuck honestly Me | 8:28pm I’ve been focusing on my studies for a bit and I’ve barely left the house, Marianne wants to crucify me lol

Drew | 8:31pm Hey at least you’re not roommates with Austin Drew | 8:32PM I love the guy but we never get anything done when we’re together 😂

Me | 8:33pm Oh Marianne and I are the same Me | 8:33pm That’s why we came up with the rule of not spending a lot of time if we’ve got things to do hahaha

Drew | 8:35pm That’s smart Drew | 8:35pm Hanging out with Austin makes me lazy and it only gets worse when the others come over Drew | 8:36pm All we do is drink 😂

Me | 8:37pm Well that sounds like your dream job!! Me | 8:37pm Mr. White Claw Basic Bitch must enjoy himself!!

Drew | 8:38pm Addie............ Drew | 8:38pm I don’t drink ONLY white Claw

Me | 8:39pm Mhm Me | 8:39pm hey at least WC hangovers aren’t that bad!!! Me | 8:40pm I mean if babies can drink WC then so can you

Drew | 8:40pm you WISH you could drink as much as I do

Me | 8:42pm oh no tyvm Me | 8:42pm I drink just enough 😌✌ Me | 8:42pm my hangovers are !! nonexistent!! except that time we met lmao

Drew | 8:43pm you were hungover?? Drew | 8:43pm Couldn’t tell 😂 Drew | 8:43pm you should always drink in the morning and hangovers are bye bye

Me | 8:44pm Marianne’s been trying to get me to do it forever Me | 8:45pm But now at least I got a topic for my next essay

Drew | 8:45pm how to cure hangovers?

Me | 8:46pm Close enough! Me | 8:46pm Alcoholism in hollywood 🥰

Drew | 8:45pm Hmmm sure sure Drew | 8:45pm How does that relate to either politics or economics? 🤔

Me | 8:46pm I’ll figure it out Me | 8:46pm Just you watch

Drew | 8:47pm Sure Drew | 8:47pm 👀

Me | 8:48pm 😂😂

◇

16: A LITTLE BIRDIE

tagging. @jjmaybanksbaby​​​​​​​​ @taiter-tots​​​​​​​​ @sacredto​​​​​​​​ @snkkat​​​​​​​​ @drewswannabegirl​​​​​​​​ @yeslifeofateen​​​​​​​​ @rudypnkw​​​​​​​​ @stfukie​​​​​​​​ @x-lulu​​​​​​​​ ​​​​​ @drewstarkey​​​​​​​​ @butgilinsky​​​​​​​​ @solllaris​​​​​​​​ @hyperactive2411​​​​​​​​ @chasefreakinstokes​​​​​​​​ @surferkie​​​​​​​​ @jroseron​​​​​​​​ @k-k0129​​​​​​​​ @starlightstories​​

#drew starkey #outer banks #obx #drew starkey x oc #drew starkey fanfiction #phone swap series

[nitrateglow]

My god-tier Audrey Hepburn movies

I just realized I’ve technically seen all of Audrey Hepburn’s movies-- or rather, all the movies in which she was given star billing.

So, because I’m bored, here’s a list of my top ten personal favorites of her films. The criteria is simple: 1) she had to have starred in it, so nothing from her pre-Roman Holiday career counts nor does 1989′s Always, and 2) this is based on my level of enjoyment of the movie in question.

1. Wait Until Dark

Wait Until Dark possesses many merits, but Hepburn is one of its key strengths. For me, the most interesting performances are the ones able to balance seemingly opposing elements of the character in question. Here, Hepburn balances vulnerability with inner strength, insecurity and terror with courage, angry frustration with budding confidence. She makes her character seem like such a real, vital presence, like someone you would know. Also, having someone as sweet as Hepburn as the target for the cruel mind games and brutal violence of the villains makes the horror all the more terrifying.

Beyond her performance, this movie feels like it was tailor-designed to appeal to me: an intelligent and formidable villain, the everyday setting juxtaposed with a menacing atmosphere, scary scenes that don’t rely on gore, eccentric criminals, dark humor, a tight script without an ounce of fat on it. But you’ve heard me go on, so I’ll leave it there.

2. Charade

Charade is a prime example of how to mix suspense and comedy. The mystery at the heart of the movie is very clever, with twists and turns every other moment, constantly keeping the audience on their toes. Best of all, the film holds up after repeat viewings because of the delicious chemistry between Hepburn and Cary Grant, and the witty screenplay, which has such an elegant and tight structure that I seethe with envy as a writer every time I revisit this glorious thriller.

As in Wait Until Dark, Hepburn is concerned for her life as she’s terrorized by criminals, only here, they’re mostly more humorous in nature, sometimes even lovable (except Scobie, he can just jump off a cliff). She mainly gets to exercise her comedic chops, throwing off quips, sarcastic lines, and screwball banter with wonderful finesse. It makes me sad she never made more films with Cary Grant-- the two have a spark that belies the large age gap between them.

3. Roman Holiday

The character-building, naturalistic performances, and humor make Roman Holiday one of the best examples of romantic comedy. The film has both a gentle touch and a grounded maturity that make it more than just a remix of the earlier and quite similar screwball comedy It Happened One Night. To get a bit literary and pretentious, it reminds me a bit of Romeo and Juliet-- not because of the romance, but in how the movie starts as a standard screwball comedy and ends on a lyrical, wistful note you might not have expected.

Even though this was her first lead role in a feature film, I think Hepburn’s performance as Ann remains one of her strongest. Ann feels regal and dignified while also possessing the naivete and restlessness of a teenager on the brink of adulthood. It’s as fabulous a star-establishing movie as anyone could want.

4. How to Steal a Million

How to Steal a Million is pure fun. Not a moment of this caper comedy is to be taken seriously (which makes it the perfect quarantine movie if you need something to de-stress with). I always regard this movie as Charade’s even frothier spiritual successor: both films are playful, stylish, funny, and packed with romantic banter, plot twists, and colorful 1960s fashions. The main difference is that in this one, there’s no mortal threat involved and the humor gets a little more risque though not crass.

Also, how nice is it for Hepburn to be paired with a leading man closer to her age? Peter O’Toole was only three years younger than Hepburn when this was filmed. The two of them have glorious, cute chemistry.

5. The Nun’s Story

I hate the question of “objective best” anything, but if you put a gun to my head, I would say The Nun’s Story is features Hepburn’s most impressive work as an actress. For those who accuse Hepburn of being too affected, of being a mere clothes’ horse, here she is bare-faced, dressed in a nun’s habit, and playing a very reserved character whose dilemmas are largely internal. She plays her character’s spiritual conflict with an understatement that could only be considered skillful.

The film itself will likely be seen as “too slow” by most and there are a few colonial elements towards the Congo section that date it, but the film’s strengths, both from Hepburn’s performance and the mature way it presents its individual versus the system story, give it classic status. Few movies regarding organized religion are this balanced and lacking in propaganda, either for or against it.

6. Breakfast at Tiffany’s

While still Hepburn’s most iconic role, Breakfast at Tiffany’s gets called “overrated” a lot these days and fans of the original Truman Capote novella routinely dog it for making heavy changes to the source material. There’s also the, you know, gross yellowface a la Mickey Rooney that deflates every scene in which he appears. However, is the move bad? NO. It juggles zany comedy, tender romance, and rather heavy drama too well for me to consign it to the “overrated” bin. Blake Edwards was a fine director and this movie is one of his best.

And Hepburn gives a damn good performance as Holly Golightly, even if she is not the character envisioned by Capote. This character could easily be unlikable if played the wrong way-- she’s a “phony,” rather pathetic, and self-loathing despite her wit and charm. But rather than coming off as an unbearable loser, Hepburn’s Holly is a realistic, relatable loser we all love in spite of her own delusions and lashing out. She might even hit too close to home (or maybe that’s just me).

7. Funny Face

Funny Face took a few viewings to grow on me. It was one of the first Hepburn movies I ever saw (that was back in high school) and I was initially excited because it was directed by Stanley Donen who co-directed Singin’ in the Rain with Gene Kelly, a long-time favorite of mine. I expected this movie to be just as sublime and was disappointed when it didn’t hit that high mark.

Rewatching it later, I now find it very charming. It’s incredibly upbeat and relaxing, the sort of old-school movie musical that doesn’t get made anymore. Hepburn’s singing is a bit rough in the bigger numbers, but she is very sweet, a damn good dancer, and quite attractive to the point where she just takes my breath away. Fred Astaire and Kay Thompson are also wonderful and get a lot of great moments that show off their talent.

8. My Fair Lady

When considering what would go on this list, I was honestly shocked to realize how much I like this movie. I’m in the camp that considers Hepburn miscast, I find George Cukor’s direction rather stiff, and I really don’t like how the ending is changed from the original play. In spite of all this, I still really enjoy this movie for the songs, costumes, and what remains of Shaw’s brilliant satire on class and gender relations. Those three hours go by and the movie never outstays its welcome.

While I think Hepburn wasn’t the number one best choice for the part (I don’t really buy her as a crass flower girl in the beginning), she isn’t a disaster by any means. She’s still charming and sympathetic, and once she makes her transformation, you have to wonder how Higgins held it together, she’s so gorgeous. And I love the relish with which she approaches the “Just you Wait” song or the way she delivers the “move your bloomin’ arse” line at the races.

9. Sabrina

I think producers figured because of the fairy tale appeal of Roman Holiday, Hepburn would be perfect for this modern take on Cinderella, set in 1950s New York. Just like in Roman Holiday, Hepburn gets to undergo dramatic character development and show her comedic skills. It’s a cute movie, with a very charming William Holden and gorgeous black-and-white cinematography. It’s also shockingly uncynical for a Billy Wilder project.

About the closest thing this movie has to a flaw is Humphrey Bogart as Linus, the guy who Sabrina chooses in the end. This is a role Cary Grant could have played in his sleep, but Bogart clearly is not enjoying himself in some scenes. However, he isn’t movie-breakingly bad by any means. His character is meant to be a hidden softie and far more dependable than his handsomer brother, so I can buy that Sabrina would warm to him in the end.

10. They All Laughed

People tend to argue what the last “worthwhile” Hepburn movie is. Most argue it’s 1976′s Robin and Marian, while I’ve seen some go as far back as How to Steal a Million in 1966. They All Laughed, a Peter Bogdonavich comedy from 1981, gets my vote. This is a love letter to screwball comedies much like Bogdonavich’s 1972 classic What’s Up Doc, only with a far more melancholy edge.

Hepburn does not become a major presence in the movie until nearly halfway through. However, she approaches her role with a mature dignity that makes me wish she’d done more work along this line towards the end of her career. Her character comes off as an older, sadder Princess Ann from Roman Holiday. This makes the movie sound morose, but it isn’t: it ends with life going on and the characters accepting that with grace.

#lists lists lists #charade #roman holiday #how to steal a million #the nun's story #breakfast at tiffany's #funny face #my fair lady #sabrina #they all laughed #audrey hepburn #thoughts #wait until dark #old hollywood #i'll probably make more lists like these with other actors i like #so expect a buster post guys

[alastanor]

To start, I would like to thank @cis-het-angel-kinnie for bringing this video to my attention, even if it was to praise the video rather than to point out it's flawed arguments against Charlie for main character.

If you have not seen the video yet, I recommend giving it a watch prior to reading this or you may be confused.

Click to read more...

What Is A Protagonist?

I am not bringing up this question because I think the source used was incorrect. However, the statement that "protagonists ask questions and antagonists make arguments" is an oversimplification of both roles. And I am going to explain why.

The trope of protagonist vs antagonist is an age old theme which has been used countless times throughout storytelling's history in books, plays, films, and story-driven video games. As such, the definition of both roles has continued to flourish and evolve over time. It is no longer good vs evil.

While @diregentleman used books written by, I assume, published writers for his argument, I am going to use Creative Writing and Literary Experts from a Masterclass article.

In the article, a protagonist is described as this:

"In storytelling, a protagonist is the main character or principal character or group of characters in a story."

More than one character is capable of being an antagonist in this story. Given that demons are meant to be redeemed, fitting the theme of the story, it is fair to surmise that all (or the majority of) the demons surrounding Charlie are protagonists in some form.

The article goes on to state that the protagonist's goals reflect the overall story goals and the plot moves forward based on their decisions.

This being said, Charlie's overall goal reflects the premise of the story, that being that Hazbin Hotel is a story about redemption. This is a goal that Angel Dust does not have.

In DireGentleman's video, he claims Angel Dust joined the Happy Hotel with the intention of being redeemed, albeit skeptical whether it could actually be done. This is actually inaccurate, and we see this in both the pilot and the comic.

Angel does display skepticism straight from the gate, but when they explain their reason for approaching him (that no one else has agreed), he makes this face:

Does that really look like someone who believes redemption may be possible? But for further establishment of just how little Angel believes redemption is possible, Angel also laughs them off and calls their goal "lame."

The only reason Angel agrees to Charlie and Vaggie's proposition is because it is a rent free place to stay. He admits as much just a bit further into the comic. By the end, Angel says "Redemption, it's silly. Huh, Nuggs."

The tone we are led to believe he uses is one of contemplation and relief. Relief due likely to the fact that there is some light at the end of the tunnel to the shit situation he was in.

This is just comic evidence, of course. If we go to the pilot, when Angel is engaging in the turf war with Cherri Bomb, he explains that he is using Charlie and Vaggie for free rent. Further exemplified when he later asks if participating in the turf war meant he didn't have a free room anymore. But also in his conversation with Cherri, he also admits that he is still taking some drugs behind Charlie and Vaggie's back. Something that we see immediately toward the opening of the pilot when Angel buys a bag of Angel Dust.

Character Dynamic

I cannot emphasize this enough, the Hunicast is NOT a good exemplifier for character dynamics. Every single "character interaction" is based on fanon, not canon, and they are prompted by the fans themselves. Only Viv really knows exactly how Angel and Alastor would canonically interact. It is no better a source for character dynamic than the wiki is for accurate information. IE, some things may hold true, but the majority of it is not and it is better just to wait until it is confirmed canon.

Moving on...

There is a lot of focus on Valentino as a main antagonist, based entirely too much on the hope that Angel will be the main protagonist. And this is really just disingenuous when you consider there are two other implied Overlords, as well as several other sources of strife within the world of Hazbin Hotel.

An Antagonist is someone working against the protagonist to prevent them from achieving their goal. Alastor would not meet this criteria, as he is a self-professed observer and conflict creator. But he is not a main antagonist. Someone working against the goal of redemption could be anyone from the Overlords (which, far as we know, would include Valentino), Lucifer, or even Heaven itself.

Where antagonists come into play, quoting Masterlist once again, I think these two types of antagonists were overlooked:

A conflict-creator. An antagonist doesn’t have to be a “bad guy.” Sometimes, they’re just a character whose goals are in direct conflict with the protagonist’s, like Mr. Darcy in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice or Javert working to arrest Valjean in Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables.

The protagonist themselves. The main source of conflict in a story can be from within the protagonist themselves—their shortcomings or insecurities are keeping them from reaching their goal. A prime example of this is Holden Caulfield in J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye. While Holden comes into conflict with many characters in the novel, the ever-present antagonizing conflict comes from his own obsessions and insecurities.

Now, why did I bring up these two types? Well! I'm glad you asked! You see, where conflict-creator comes into play would line up more with Alastor. He isn't really the bad guy, but he does create some friction where his goals meet with Charlie's. He is a professed observer, but it is strongly believed that there is something else, another goal, that he has omitted.

As for the Protagonist themselves, this lines up pretty strongly where Charlie is concerned. You could argue that it does for Angel too, but Angel's goal, as mentioned before, is not Redemption. That goal is Charlie's, and hers alone. Yet it is her naivety, inexperience, and insecurities surrounding her failures as a princess that are holding her back from achieving her goal. Going by this, not only do we have multiple protagonists, but we also have multiple antagonists.

"So far, no one else's past is wrought with tension like Angel Dust's."

Even if this wasn't a sweeping, dismissive statement made with limited information, it would still be incorrect. Why? Because each and every character in Hazbin Hotel is going to have their own story to tell. Stories that will each be as relatable and wrought with tension, the only reason we know Angel so extensively is because Viv put the most work into him. She has admitted that Alastor and Angel were characters she wrote based on past dealings and experiences she had. Let those implications sink in a bit.

Now, to further this, people don't need to empathize with a character to like them. They can sympathize as well, even if they personally cannot relate to the emotions the character is feeling.

And where Angel is concerned, he is not addicted to drugs. Angel has used drugs to escape the pain of his trauma. His response in the pilot to having his drugs stolen from him is not one of a typical addict. Which leads us to believe the drugs are simply a coping mechanism more than they are an addiction.

Real Audience for Hazbin is 12 to 16

I would really fucking hope you are joking. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this was said by someone who isn't a parent. While yes, kids will be sneaky and watch or play things they're not supposed to, a show with drug use/abuse, rape, sex, physical/mental/emotional abuse, and suicide is as much for them as Rick and Morty.

Further, it is not just these themes that make the show for adults. It is the format of the storytelling. Yes, you can complain about what you consider issues with the pilot. But at the end of the day, it did it's job. It established the story premise, introduced important characters (Fat Nuggets does not fall in that category, calm down), gave a basic understanding of their relationships to each other, and get the audience interested in continuing the series. Considering the views for the pilot and the resulting disproportionate growth of the fandom, I would say it did that in spades.

Hazbin Hotel is not Steven Universe. I cannot say this enough times, and the reason I cannot is because I cannot tell you how many times I have come into contact with the underage side of the fandom griping about lack of lore, griping about lack of production information, and overall being exceedingly impatient. At the risk of sounding like an old miser, the underage side of the fandom has never had to wait for additions to a series. Like waiting for Homestuck updates, or the new release of a Harry Potter novel. They have had a steady schedule of content, along with shows that give exposition dumps "in the first 3 minutes."

So don't look at Hazbin Hotel through the lens of kids' show fandoms. It has so much more to offer than that.

Alastor vs Valentino

No, this is not about whether Alastor could beat up Valentino. In the video, DireGentleman pulled a huge pet peeve of mine and lumped Valentino and Alastor together, labeling them both "monsters." Which is opening a huge can of worms for me. So, I will give a brief summary of why that is wrong, and provide a link to one of my other posts for deeper diving.

So, there is a reason why Valentino is more hated than Alastor is. Lumping them together is a mistake.

Valentino is a pimp that abuses and manipulates his victims through intimidation and (implied through) some kind of addiction to the red smoke (whether that is real or symbolism is yet unknown). He takes who and what he wants, be damned the consequences or who gets hurt. He is incredibly self-serving, with no consideration for anyone else. He uses people like pawns, and when those pawns refuse to do what he wants, what does he do? He forces them to do it anyway.

By comparison, while Alastor may use his people like pawns, he also has more consideration for them and doesn't abuse them (far as we can tell). The evidence to support this is the attitude of those serving under Valentino vs those under Alastor. Niffty and Husk both seem to not have a problem with Alastor, and where Husk is concerned it seems that his attitude toward Alastor is their typical banter. But definitely nothing that displays abuse. In fact, when Husker is hesitant or even refusing to do as Alastor asks, Alastor doesn't force Husker. He offers payment in the form of something Husker genuinely likes.

Now, while some might argue this is also manipulating through addiction, one could look at it this way. However, Alastor didn't make Husker an alcoholic. That was Husker's vice to begin with, Alastor simply has no intention of fixing it. After all, Alastor has said he doesn't think anything can change a sinner.

For further explanation and delving into Alastor, click here.

Parents don't 'get' Charlie = Disney Princess

Once again, we fall upon the slippery slope of disinformed statements. While the joke was made that the princess of hell expresses herself best through song, parent issues do not equate to being something that is relatable primarily or only to kids and teens. It's kind of offensive that there is a sort or implication in this statement that adults don't have issues like insecurities surrounding their own failures, or parent issues like what Charlie has or worse. And once again, we fall into the empathize vs sympathize realm and I once again will say that the audience does not need to empathize with the protagonist to make them a good protagonist.

Charlie is a failed princess, her people don't respect her and didn't even prior to her hotel announcement. Yes, she is sheltered and naive. Likely due to how little she was able or allowed to interact with sinners. After all, her ex-boyfriend was from another hellborn family. One that, from what we can surmise, interacts rather frequently with the Magne family.

And it is because of this naivety and inexperience that her method to redeem sinners will not work.

In the video, DireGentleman states that we can pretty much assume that Charlie's redemption methods will work. But her methods, as we see in her song, is to inject demons with meds and take away/burn their vices. She is seeking immediate resolutions to problems that require therapy and a long process that should be making sinners want to change. All Charlie is currently accomplishing is earning the ire and scrutiny of her people. This is why I previously mentioned that Charlie is both protagonist and antagonist, as she is getting in her own way to accomplishing the goal of redemption. And this is where we find that Charlie meets the "starts out being wrong" requirement mentioned in the video as well as "admiring a character for trying."

Charlie is also in a perfect position to be the tour guide for us, the audience, as we observe the metamorphosis of every demon who needs to be redeemed. She is, once again, surrounded by those who need to be redeemed which means we will witness every character arc. This includes Angel, who does not need to be the central focus for us to witness his story.

Finally...

It was stated, or at least implied, that Hazbin Hotel's pilot is no longer relevant. This is a statement that pretty much leaves me puzzled. The only way it would be irrelevant is if Hazbin went in a completely different direction, and we have no reason to believe it will. Vivziepop is still creative director for Hazbin Hotel, and A24 is notorious for giving creators their creative freedom. What A24 is doing is animating, making VA regulations, and ensuring there is an air tight lid kept on the project. Especially given it's popularity in such a short amount of time.

Contrary to what DireGentleman said, Hazbin Hotel will definitely live up to it's hype. Being picked up by A24 will not compromise the show simply because it's not in the same realm of indie production that Helluva Boss is. And it's a bit unfair to Vivziepop to imply as much.

In Conclusion...

Please do a bit more digging in regards to not only the show, but everything surrounding it. Don't lump fanon and canon together and expect them to be equal sources, and please do not claim an obviously adult-audience show is more fit for children and teens.

And lastly, please do more digging to better understand media and storytelling. Reading books is great, but what you were using as the foundation for your arguments were far too simplified and vague,, given the complexity of the protagonist and antagonist roles. Overall, the video just came across as one huge helping of Angel Dust bias with a side of strong dislike for Charlie.

#Youtube #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel alastor #hazbin hotel charlie #hazbin hotel angel dust #hazbin hotel husker #hazbin hotel video critical #video analysis #long post #diregentleman #counter argument

[hcldenbitch]

wanna play 20 questions?

what are 3 flaws your character has?

3 of holden’s biggest flaws are; he deprives himself of any sort of affection. sure, he’ll come fuck you, but the second you start trying to be weird and cuddle after he’s gotta go. he was told a few times by a shit ex that he was OVERLY affectionate, so he took that as a hint to fucking stop altogether. he likes to think he can take care of himself, he can handle any sort of chaos that comes his way with no problem, but the fact is, holden struggles A LOT when it comes to being responsible, or when something unexpected happens. he likes to think that he’s got his addiction under control - and for the most part, he does - but holden struggles with it every single day and just doesn’t know how to deal with it. therefore, he buries his dick in someone and calls it taken care of when the itch of wanting something comes around. 

what are 3 insecurities your character has?

holden’s always afraid that he’s gonna relapse. whilst he has a pretty okay grip on his addiction, the temptations are ALWAYS there - especially with the company he keeps around. holden’s also insecure that he’s gonna be alone all his life - whilst he has a load of people he talks to all the time, there’s a few he really considers his friends / family. but he has that voice in the back of his mind always telling him that they’re just keeping him around as not to hurt his feelings. he really struggles with his health in general - his mental health is a fucking nightmare; with constant nightmares when he’s capable of falling asleep, to sleep paralysis demons, to full on panic attacks holden doesn’t feel it’s anything he needs to talk to anyone about. he’s always telling himself ‘well, if you hadn’t fucked up your life then maybe you wouldn’t have so many fucking issues’ and refuses to be a burden to anyone. he likes to play like he’s superman, but he isn’t.

what is something your character is most proud of?

the thing holden is most proud of, is his career. for someone that wandered the streets, selling himself, drugs, and even going as far as stealing, this is a huge accomplishment for him. and he’s amazed that so many people can appreciate his work as well. holden puts his heart and soul into each and every tattoo and sketch that he does because he wants people to be fucking proud to have his art on them for good.

where does your character feel most comfortable?

the tattoo parlor. holden finds himself at ease at love hate tattoo, the people there are his kind of people, the clients are always interesting, and holden gets to show off his skills. so when he’s there, he feels like he just belongs in the space, and no one is sitting and judging him.

where do they feel most uncomfortable?

anywhere that he’s alone. holden and being alone have never gone hand in hand - before johan arrived to the apartment for residency holden was never there. if he had to be, he made sure he had someone over. if not, he’d be out in the bars, finding company and solace in someone else. when he’s alone, he thinks too much, and when he thinks too much, he gets that itch for a line or two to shove up his nose. 

what are some hobbies of your character?

he’s a gym rat; holden absolutely loves being in the gym to keep up with his physique. ever since he’s been in recovery, building up muscle and tone so he doesn’t look like that lil sick, thin, deathly looking man he used to be. he actually likes hiking, too! anything that requires him to be outdoors, sign him up. he also has a drum set, but given that they live in an apartment he’s been unable to play it like he wants to.

are they more extroverted or introverted?

definitely extroverted. there’s not one person that holden wouldn’t talk to - if a brick wall would respond, you could bet your ass he’d have a conversation with it as well.

does your character have any scars, how did they get them?

holden has too many scars to even count. however, they’re mostly covered in black ink, or in places people can’t see and he prefers to keep it that way. most of them are from using needles to shoot up, some are self harm scars, some are just from being completely stupid. but a huge majority are due to his self sabotaging ways.

what is/was your character’s relationship like with their mother and/or father?

holden’s always been the black sheep of his family; his mom and dad had his life planned out for him before he even arrived on earth. the meant to be lawyer was anything but what they expected. a rambunctious, rowdy, and hard to get anything done kid was their soon to be worst nightmare. once they found out that holden wasn’t going to comply to their expectations, and they found out that he was on drugs, they kicked him out and disowned him on the spot.

have they any siblings, if so, do they get along?

he has an older sister, elisabeth. the two of them haven’t spoken since she found holden overdosed in his apartment. 

has your character ever had a reoccurring dream or nightmare, what happened?

it’s very seldom that holden sleeps; he has insomnia and finds himself awake more often than not. when he does sleep, more often than not he’s paralyzed in bed whilst a figure that looks like a mixture of gollum and the broke neck lady ( from haunting of hill house ) looks over him and holds him down. nine times out of ten it starts with the creature just sitting on his chest, staring him down with drool just oozing from it’s shark like teeth. they then lean over holden’s face and breath this hot, sulfur smelling breath right in his face and they slowly start unhinging their jaw ( think pennywise in IT ), trying to eat holden’s face and he can’t move. so needless to say, if he can skip the sleep, he does.

what qualities does your character look for in a friend?

holden just looks for someone that can be as annoying and as hilarious as he can. someone that doesn’t take life too seriously and he can just vibe with. as long as he can get along with you, that’s all that matters to him. ( they also gotta not mind him stealing their food whenever they go out to eat ).

what qualities does your character dislike in others?

people who take life too seriously. holden likes to think of himself as a jokester, so if you’re going to be around him and suck the fun out of every little thing, don’t even bother speaking to him because he will put you in your place. he also hates when people are overbearing, and naggy, and just a fucking negative nancy. 

how does your character react to confrontation - are they a fight or flight?

fight definitely. holden has no issues taking a problem head on ( unless it’s a problem that relates to him ). if he sees someone in trouble, or if someone comes to him saying something happened - holden is the first one to ask where they are and how he can find them.

how easy or difficult does your character find it to say ‘i love you’ to someone? have they ever said ‘i love you’ without meaning it?

saying it and meaning it, is something holden can’t bring himself to do because he truly thinks that love is some made up concept that he’ll never understand. faking it, that’s a different story. he just laughs and says thanks and goes about his day. holden has never said it without meaning it though, except the one time he told his ex right before they started getting bad. 

what does your character believe will happen to them after they die? are they in fear of this belief?

holden’s convinced that he’s gonna come back reincarnated as one of the queen’s corgi dogs. and if they’re dead before he dies, he claims he’ll come back as a cricket so he can piss everyone off.

how does your character react toward children?

he hates them. they’re gross, needy, rude, they ain’t his cup of tea.

does your character have any fears? if so, what are they?

holden’ afraid of swimming. he once nearly drowned during a swimming practice when he was 8 and ever since then, getting in the water - whether it be a pool, sprinkler, or ocean - he just ain’t having it.

if your character could relive one memory they have, which would they choose and why?

it would more than likely be the moment he realized what love really was. when he felt it, it was unlike any other feeling in the world that he had ever encountered. and he would give up anything just to feel that little bit of happiness just one more time.

#amore:task002 #tw drug mentions #tw mental illness #jesus this took FOREVER #AND I GOT 2 MORE TO DO

[citrinekay]

ok hi hello, i am all caught up on All Our Lies!! idk why this is turning into a biweekly thing... take me back to when scheduling my escapism wasn't an issue 😂 but anyways!!! ok so i didn't mention it in my "top ratings" because it's still ongoing for us readers, but i think the amount of work you've put into this fic is clearly apparent, and it really pays off! it's really amazing how you avoid some of the more cliché fanfiction tropes, or when working with them find a way to have them read

as super realistic. i think that has a lot to do with the pacing of the fic--there are no quick fixes in life, and you don't let your characters off the hook either. i actually really appreciate watching Bill having to go through the process of parsing through his trauma and learning to be accountable for his actions. and i really appreciate the side-arc with Elliot as well. i'm used hating to the "other guy" trope because it tends to be used just for drama purposes, but i actually really loved the scene between Elliot & Holden! it had this really naturalistic feel of when you have a casual thing with someone you really vibe with, but don't feel intensely about. and it's this beautiful thing where you both can be so open because there's less on the line. i also think it's interesting because Elliot & Holden are on the same page generationally--the commiseration between them in that sense was lovely in a weirdly relatable way.  i'm excited to see Bill & Holden work it out... but i gotta say, i don't mind the time it's taking. i like seeing Holden set boundaries and stick to them, and i like spending time in Bill's world--which i think we usually see less of in general--while he figures his shit out. and i like the poignancy, which Holden notes, of learning to own who you are. we can see how Holden has learned to do it, and how Bill is almost stuck in a state of arrested development. i'm rooting for you Bill!!

Hey, I don’t mind waiting for biweekly reviews since they are always on point and totally worth it 💛 I was really thinking of this chapter as a moment where everyone can pause and catch their breaths - me as I was writing it, the characters, and the readers. So much has been happening in the past few chapters and there’s been a lot of emotional conflict to the point where neither of them were really thinking clearly about what they actually wanted anymore. Bill needed to take the time to process the end of his marriage and to let go of that relationship even though his first instinct was to hold onto it. Deep down, he knows what he really wants, but it’s going to take some time to accept it especially considering the added emotional turmoil of a divorce. 

I’m also really happy that everyone in general seems to enjoy Elliot’s character and his interactions with Holden. I never put him there to be detrimental to Holden. Maybe to cause Bill a little jealously for being so stubborn and kind of mean to Holden lol But I really just wanted him to give Holden that space, like you said, to stop and understand him and what he wants. It also gives the appearance to Bill that he’s not just obligated to Bill. He can go out and find someone else if he wants to. It’s a little bit of a catalyst for both of them. I also agree with your point about their generation and the age difference. According to canon, he and Bill are only 15 years apart, but what a difference a decade and a half makes. Bill is still stuck in this antiquated, homophobic mindset while Holden is part of the progressive younger generation who don’t necessarily view being gay as being a bad thing. I love the idea that Holden can show this truth to Bill and kind of guide them forward out of that ashamed worldview and into all of the positives the future could hold for them. I’m so excited to update on Friday because resolutions are coming! I hope you (and everyone else) love it as much as I do 💕

#bill x holden #my writing #lowkeystandom

[ginnympotter]

Jily idea: something about them in college and being in the same class/group over zoom calls or Them running into each other at the grocery store and they realise they’re both wearing a Star Wars themed fabric face mask 🥺🥺🤠

A/N: omg i love this so much, ESPECIALLY because i just got 2 star wars themed masks!!! so this is PERFECT lol thank you!! This is essentially just me writing 2 people nerd out over star wars so hope that’s your thing :)

His stomach turns over as he sees a flash of red hair whiz past the produce section. He grips his basket and speeds up. “Evans!” he shouts as he reaches the pasta aisle, much louder than intended to compensate for the fabric slightly muffling his voice. 

She turns sharply, and he notices a lot of things at once. One, she is smiling through her mask, as her cheeks enlarge and her eyes crinkle. Two, her eyes are even more green in person, green unlike anything he’d ever seen. And three, the mask robbing him of her smile’s full glory, is in fact a Star Wars mask too.

“Vader?” she asks, cocking her head to the side a bit. 

“Colorful Vader,” he corrects her. “My mum made it, and she felt too restricted with just black and white. And seeing as I’d be blind wearing an actual full Vader mask that would cover my whole face, because I don’t think the mold accounts for glasses, why not wear something a bit more cheerful in these trying times.”

“And I’m sure your mum wouldn’t want to deprive the world of that whole face,” she smiles still. “Don’t you think Anakin would probably need glasses though? You can’t tell me his vision wasn’t completely fucked up by almost burning to death.”

“Definitely. Maybe he wears contacts?” He wishes he could step closer to her, as to swim in her eyes properly, especially considering they’re all left uncovered. They had been partners all semester for their online course in contemporary adolescent literature, so he had only ever had the pleasure of seeing them through a blurry camera screen, and it’s not like Zoom’s picture quality is state of the art. They had grown to be quite friendly, even texting sometimes about non-coursework related topics. He wishes he could hug her. But they remain distant, and he focuses in on her mask. “So you like the sequels as well, I take it?” he asks, gesturing towards it. It has little drawings of BB-8 on it. “We’ve never discussed that.”

“The first two, anyway,” she shrugs, picking up two boxes of spaghetti and throwing them in her cart. “The last one was rubbish.”

James thinks he might confess his love right then and there, but forces his mouth to say different words. “BB-8 is the best thing to come out of them, so I respect the mask choice.”

“Thanks,” she says in a kind voice. “I originally wanted to get an Ahsoka mask, but they were out of stock.” 

"Wait...where did you order your mask from?”

“Some sweet woman on Etsy,” she explains. “Not sure her real name, but her username is Thermopolis327. Maybe a Princess Diaries fan, although I only saw Star Wars designs.”

James could not believe his luck. “That’s my mum’s Etsy shop!”

“Your mum?” she asks in disbelief. “But isn’t her name Euphemia?”

“Yes,” he says, trying not to think too hard about the fact that she even remembers such a detail. “Euphemia. Mia. Mia Thermopolis, Princess of Genovia. Least coy alias name, but she is pretty proud of it.”

“It’s brilliant.”

“I’ll tell my mum as soon as she gets some Ahsoka fabric to send you one. But for now, better off that Ahsoka didn’t have to see Vader like this.” 

She laughs, and James feels the pit in his stomach deepen at the sound. She contemplates two boxes of pasta. “What you say, James: penne or rigatoni?”

“Penne all the way,” he responds.

She tosses three boxes of penne in her cart. “Thanks. Still think it’s best to stock up on pasta since it doesn’t go bad, then I can avoid coming here as often.”

“Smart, you are,” he says without thinking. “I’m sure I’ll see your masterful pasta dishes during our next Zoom lunch final project meeting. Maybe you’ll still have left when it’s safe for us to have a proper meal together.”

He can see her face flush from the little skin that is not covered by her mask, and then realizes what he said. Before he can try to save himself from embarrassment, she does it for him. “That would be lovely. But we can also just eat pasta over Zoom while this is all going on once the project is over and, you know, talk about something other than Holden Caulfield’s obsession with where the ducks go in the winter.”

James laughs nervously, instinctually putting a hand in his hair, ruffling it. “Yeah, instead of discussing Holden calling everyone a phony we can talk about Anakin essentially calling the entire Jedi Council phonies.”

“I mean, they kind of are,” Lily shrugs. “But we can talk about anything, really. It doesn’t have to be restricted to fictional characters. Although, I wouldn’t mind if that were a hefty portion, either.” 

James adjusts his glasses, which have fogged up a bit from his erratic breathing in his mask throughout this conversation. “Count me in.”

“It’s a date, then,” she declares, and as he can’t contain his smile, she laughs. “C’mon, it looks like you have next to nothing in your basket, and I’ve only just started myself. Let’s finish our run together. Six feet apart, of course. We’re both going to need some fuel to top off that Catcher project conclusion.”

“Roll on, BB. I’ll follow,” he says.

She winks, puts one foot on the shopping cart, the other on the ground to push forward, and does just that, leading the way. 

#hp #hp fanfic #harry potter #jily #james potter x lily evans #AU #muggle AU #star wars

[parabellum-rpg-archive]

Congratulations, Sam! You’ve been accepted to play Holden Estrada. Please make your page and send it in within 24 hours.

Admin note: Sam! I’m so excited for you to play Holden. He’s been one of my very favorites from the beginning, and I feel like you’ve got such a good grasp on him. I love the little details, like Holden listening to podcasts and loving to dance. I can’t wait to see him on the dash! - Admin V

IC INFORMATION —

CHARACTER DESIRED

Holden Estrada

DESCRIBE THE CHARACTER IN YOUR OWN WORDS

Holden’s not exactly depressed but he is tired. He’s basically resigned, at this point, to a life he never wanted for himself and watched all his dreams get torn up and scattered in the wind long ago. He was terrified at the beginning, then angry, then desperate for an escape. Now, it’s become something he’s more or less accepted. It’s not that he likes working for the Costellos but he’s had to get good at his job to stay alive and alive is still better than dead. While he wouldn’t call himself an optimist, in reality he’s probably tipped a little more onto the pessimistic side, he still tries to find good things in his life. Not in his job, exactly, though he’s somehow made friends there, but in the rest of his life. As if to balance the poison he spreads onto the streets, he tries to do good in other small ways. Holden’s not a boy scout but he helps people if he can, tries to offer most people a smile or a kind word when he’s not working, tries to be the soft spoken, kind guy he used to be before the world (and the Costellos) had a few rounds of kicking him in the teeth. Maybe it seems a little strained or the smiles don’t quite reach his eyes but he tries to enjoy what he can, soak in the small pleasures like a good movie or a delicious meal, having a few beers with friends. Holden’s life has boiled down to simple pleasures because there���s so much of it that he doesn’t enjoy but has to accept.

In spite of the outward acceptance, there’s still a resentment that burns deep down in him, towards his father and towards the Costellos for keeping him trapped, and that’s what he uses for his tough shell when he’s working. While not naturally violent, he’s had to learn how to use a gun, had to be willing to drive a truck into people sometimes to get himself or friends out of hairy situations, had to accept that the streets are cold and cruel and if he’s going to survive (which he will do, dammit) then he has to adapt. He has adapted and sometimes that tough shell is harder to shake off than he wants it to be. More and more it takes a few hours or longer to get out of the work mind set and back into what he considers his true self, though he’s starting to doubt it. Ten years have irreparably changed him, what are the next ten going to do? Will there be a gentler self to get back to then? Holden worries about that and tries to play the balancing act though sometimes wonders if he should just go for it, just embrace the violence, dive full on into the life of crime he has to live anyway, and forget about the rest. Such bitter moments are still few and far between though, not frequent enough for him to go through with it, so he holds onto that kid he used to be that everyone liked. If he really needs a reminder, he calls his aunt and puts on his sunniest disposition, maintains the lie he’s been telling her for years that he’s graduated and got a good job that he enjoys, and lives a fantasy version of the life he could have had for a little while. He peppers in as much truth as he can, tells her funny stories that aren’t work related about what he and Aaron get up to, and wishes he could go visit her. Holden knows that he can’t leave Chicago unless the Costellos order him to and always just tells his aunt he can’t get away, which at least has the benefit of being true.

Holden isn’t stupid enough to be openly hostile towards the Costellos and he’s too scared of them anyway, at least Marcel and Leon, though it’s more of a general wariness towards the others. The twins, from what he can tell, aren’t really involved in the business and his natural friendliness generally extends towards them. They were born into a family they didn’t choose, after all, and after that whole wedding business he feels bad for them. With other loyalists that are higher up or the Costello cousins he outwardly shows them respect and acts like the good little soldier, following orders. He’s not often rubbing shoulders with them anyway but in the back of his mind he knows it’s best to maintain a good relationship with them in case he ever does decide to dive headlong into this life and try to move up the ladder.

Holden’s isn’t a satisfying life, not by any means, but he still tries to make it a good one.

WRITING SAMPLE

On really bad days, which are thankfully few and far between, Holden indulges in a very detailed fantasy of what his life could have been if Leon hadn’t come for him when he was eighteen. He thinks about the full ride scholarship he’d had, imagines what his classes might have been like, the degree he would’ve gotten, the life that should have been his. The small details often vary but in this alternate reality that exists only in his mind, Holden always has a fulfilling career, a long term partner that challenges and delights him, even sometimes a family. When he finally pulls himself out of it, to the very different and stark reality, he feels hollow. It numbs him so much that on those days he spends the rest of his time doing almost nothing, staring out the window for hours at a time, or wandering aimlessly through the streets. It’s a dark mood mostly because of its absence of feeling, of the way that nothing seems to matter because he’s empty, living a life he wasn’t supposed to lead all because a man he barely knew or remembered had made some stupid mistakes. It can last for nearly a whole day sometimes but there is always something that manages to bring him out of it and it’s usually entirely random. Sometimes it’s because he passes a playground and hears children laughing, or he catches a glimpse of the sky at just the right moment, or Aaron shows up with his easy smile. Then, because of that random thing, Holden finds himself smiling and the world is vibrant with colour again and things are all right, or if not all right, at least acceptable.

Thankfully, today wasn’t a bad day. It was actually a pretty decent day because he hadn’t had to work and the sun was shining. There were new episodes of some of his favourite podcasts and he planned to spend the afternoon enjoying those before going out that night, to Sapphire or somewhere else, and taking advantage of the fact that he was still young, fit, and reasonably attractive. Other people at Sapphire tended to notice that too and even if he didn’t go home with anyone, it was still nice to dance and feel the bass resonating in his chest. Days like these made him feel just a little less tired, made the fact that he would always be in debt and never get away from this whole Costello business seem just a little bit more bearable.

After the podcasts and a quiet afternoon (which he shouldn’t have had, he probably should have worked to fill his quota but his sanity demanded these relatively stress free days once in a while) he headed out to Sapphire as he’d intended. The beat drew him to the dance floor as if there was a string pulling him that way. There was no alcohol necessary because he just liked to dance, liked to feel the crush of humanity around him, the young, vibrant people that all had so many more possibilities for their lives than he did. Holden could forget that for a while, smiling as a cute guy approached and started dancing with him. They stayed together for the length of a song or two before that guy disappeared into the crowd and a pretty woman took his place. Holden’s ears were ringing by the time he got off the dance floor and settled at the bar to finally order a drink and catch his breath. This made him feel alive, even if he wasn’t a college graduate with a very different life, and he would take as much dancing, good music, podcasts, and attractive people as he could to remind himself that there was still a lot to be happy about in this world even if it didn’t always seem like that when he was out doing his job.

Holden may have had a debt he could never pay off weighing on his shoulders but at least today had been a good day. Hopefully, tomorrow would be too.

#accepted

[brigdh]

Reading Definitely Not Wednesday

Leviathan Wakes by James S.A. Corey. A space opera set in the relatively near future. Humans have colonized Mars and the asteroid belt, and a few scattered populations make due on the moons of planets further out. There is, however, no faster-than-light travel, no contact with any solar system beyond our own, no sentient AIs, and no aliens. A major theme of the book is the culture clash between those who live on Earth or Mars – the superpowers of this future – and those who live in the Belt, where mining is the preeminent economy and life is the hardscrabble sort where even water and oxygen have to be imported, never mind concepts like justice and equality. Different characters move from one place to the other or switch allegiances, but their origins are as baked in as we would regard ethnicity or nationality. As one character puts it, "A childhood spent in gravity shaped the way he saw things forever." Corey (who is actually two separate dudes writing under a penname) does a wonderful job of fleshing out the background worldbuilding. I loved references to fungal-culture whiskey, Bhangra as the default elevator muzak, hand gestures exaggerated to be seen through a spacesuit, and largely unintelligible localized slang (“Bomie vacuate like losing air,” the girl said with a chuckle. “Bang-head hops, kennis tu?” / “Ken,” Miller said. /“Now, all new bladeboys. Overhead. I’m out.”). It feels like a more detailed world than a lot of sci-fi does. Which is good, because the characters are not all that compelling. The two POVs are Jim Holden and Detective Miller. Holden is the second-in-command on an unimportant spaceship that works as a freight hauler, moving ice back and forth between the Belt and Saturn. Things change dramatically when a mysterious someone attacks their ship and kills everyone except for Holden and a few others, and he finds himself centrally involved in the runup to war. He has the most generic action-movie-hero personality I can imagine, with no discernable characteristics except 'idealistic' (and I really only know that because other people keep telling him he is), kinda nervous about being suddenly thrust into command but doing a good job, a womanizer (but see, it's okay because he just keeps genuinely falling in love with so many women!), and earnest. He's fine. He's not even objectionable, just incredibly boring. He comes with a crew of entirely indistinguishable followers that I couldn't keep straight, but that's all right because most of them get killed off so I no longer had to try to remember who was who. He also develops a romance that is 100% unbelievable, but I suppose that's what action-movie-heroes do, so who's even surprised. Miller is a detective on Ceres, the largest city in the Belt, who's been hired by a rich family to track down their anarchist, slumming daughter. Miller is an incredibly cliche noir protagonist - alcoholic, divorced, not as good as he used to be, cynical, a little bit corrupt but underneath it all he still remembers his good intentions – but at least that means he has more of a personality than Jim, even if it's a personality you've seen a thousand times before. On the other hand, Miller becomes obsessed with this dead/missing girl in a way that is painfully stereotypical Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Two things kept this from ruining Leviathan Wakes for me. One, Miller is at least somewhat self-aware about it: This was why he had searched for her. Julie had become the part of him that was capable of human feeling. The symbol of what he could have been if he hadn’t been this. There was no reason to think his imagined Julie had anything in common with the real woman. Meeting her would have been a disappointment for them both. And two, there's a twist near the end that allows Julie to finally have her own voice in the text, and not exist solely as Miller's imagined dependance on her. It takes almost half the book for Miller and Holden to finally cross paths, at which point the missing-girl mystery and the war plot combine and take a twist for a direction I DID NOT SEE COMING. I am ambivalent on whether to spoil this; on the one hand, I read it unprepared and it was incredibly awesome to experience it that way. On the other hand, I suspect this is information that will be a determining factor for many people on whether they want to read it or not. So: halfway through, Leviathan Wakes takes a wild jump and becomes about a zombie outbreak. I would not have previously thought that 'space opera' and 'zombie apocalypse' are two genres that should be combined, but the tension and excitement skyrocket once the book takes this turn, transforming it from average quality to 'I CANNOT STOP READING, MUST FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT'. So, good choice! The sequence with Miller and Holden trapped on a small space station trying to sneak their way past zombie hordes is one of the most thrilling I've read in ages. Leviathan Wakes is the first book in a series (apparently it was originally supposed to be a trilogy, but there's currently eight books out with at least one more planned, along with a batch of short stories) and has also become a show on the Syfy network that I haven't seen. I feel like I've spent a lot of this review complaining, but honestly I mostly enjoyed the book and am planning to read the sequels. The fact that people seem to like the characters from future books more than these ones certainly doesn't hurt! Pig/Pork: Archaeology, Zoology and Edibility by Pia Spry-Marques. A nonfiction book about everything remotely related to the farming and eating of pigs. I expected from the subtitle and the author's personal background that archaeology would be the main focus, but it turns out that's really only the first two chapters, which cover the Paleolithic hunting of wild boar and the original domestication of pigs. The other chapters turn to topics as diverse as experiments on feeding farmed pigs leftovers from restaurants, the spread of foot-and-mouth disease, a special Spanish ham called ibérico de bellota which can only be fed acorns, genetically modifiying pigs so their manure would contain less phosporus, sunburn in pigs, minature pet pigs, organ donation between humans and pigs, the terrifying tapeworms to be acquired from eating raw pork, why pork is a 'white' meat, how to make sausages, theories on why pork is neither halal nor kosher, the use of an enzyme from pig pancreases in wine production, EU food-safety regulations on traditional pork dishes, Cuba's 'Bay of Pigs', the Pig War between the US and Canada in 1859, and Oliver Cromwell's favorite pig breed. Basically if it has the remotest connection to the title, Spry-Marques has included it. She even includes recipes for each chapter, though some of them are clearly more for amusement than actual consumption – I can't imagine anyone having just finished a chapter on how eating raw pork will give you cysts in your brain is eager to try figatellu, a type of uncooked sausage from France. And it would take a braver foodie than me to taste "Asian-inspired pork uterus with green onion and ginger". In fact, as is probably not surprising for any book which touches on factory farming however briefly, you will probably come away not wanting to eat pork at all for a while. Spry-Marques's writing is breezy and conversational, which kept me turning the pages even when the structure was a bit scattered. I wish it were more focused, but it's a great book for anyone who enjoys popular science, history, or food writing. I read this as an ARC via NetGalley. Song of Blood & Stone by L. Penelope. A YA fantasy novel with some unusual elements. Rather than being set in vaguely medieval England or a dystopian sci-fi future, we're in a country where the technology seems to be around 1900: cars and electric lights exist, but they're restricted to rich cities, and someone coming from rural poverty might well have never seen either. Magic exists, but comes from one's heritage; you're either born with it or not. In Elsira, where our story is set, it's rare to the point of nonexistence. Our heroine Jasminda, however, does have magic, due to her father having been a refugee from the neighboring country of Lagrimar, where magic is common. Elsira and Lagrimar have been constantly at war for hundreds of years, but are separated by a magical Barrier which allows no one to pass through, except on rare occasions when a temporary breach happens and violence erupts. Elsirans are light-skinned and Lagrimari are dark-skinned, so Jasminda has dealt with fairly severe racism throughout her life. The story starts when Jasminda runs across Jack, a Elsiran soldier just back from spying in Lagrimar who has super important information that must get back to the capital as soon as possible; unfortunately Jack has just been shot and is closely pursued by a troop of Lagrimari soldiers. Jasminda and Jack team up, fall in love, and try to prevent the coming outbreak of war. The most revealing thing I can say about Song of Blood & Stone is that it's very, very YA. (As you could probably guess, what with its title that fits exactly into the pattern of the 'YA title' meme currently going around tumblr.) Almost everything that happens is easily predictable from the back cover (Jack's long-withheld backstory is clearly supposed to be a shocking twist, but it's obvious from the moment he appears), the prose is mediocre but fine, good and bad guys are clearly signalled, the real world parallels (racism, treatment of refugees, domestic abuse) are good-hearted but extremely Social Justice 101. On the plus side, the beginning was the worst part and it got better and better as it went along; several developments near the very end were so interesting that I'm tempted to read the sequel, despite my initial boredom. Overall it's not a bad book, but I'd only recommend it to people who are extremely affectionate of the most repetitive tropes of the YA genre. I read this as an ARC from a GoodReads giveaway.

[DW link for easier commenting]

#books #book reviews #james s.a. corey #l. penelope #Pia Spry-Marques #archaeology

[jen--ne--sais--quoi]

Thoughts on Frank Iero and The Catcher in the Rye

@frnkiero-andthisblog asked, and I only need one person to listen while I write a fucking dissertation ramble so here I am. 

First of all, a huge disclaimer–I don’t really know shit about Frank Iero because it’s impossible to know someone whose entire interaction with you is achieved through the celebrity/fan relationship. Although Frank seems to be an incredibly genuine person all the time, it’s arrogant and rude to go around thinking you know him super well. That being said, I’m a pretty observant person with a psych degree and a theatre degree so noticing things about people and characters are kind of my thing, which is how I got these thoughts in the first place. I just observe things about what Frank lets us see of him, so it doesn’t mean I know him, you feel? 

Okay, so Holden Caulfield is a mess of a human being, and that alone is relatable to most teens. He’s also a MESS of contradictions like a lot of teenagers seem to be on the surface (like when you’re a teen and you don’t know WHAT you want or feel so you just keep saying no to everything?) 

But, I think his most relatable feature is that he doesn’t want to grow up. Like at all. And, like most teens, he sees anyone displaying features of adulthood as the enemy (All a buncha phonies VS stick it to the man, brother) while also trying to indulge in adult activities and wondering about marriage. 

Holden’s also fucking depressed with about 12 moodswings a minute, including a few anxiety attacks. I think a great number of those mood swings are him attempting to combat his depressed feelings but that’s just my conjecture. 

Now, what makes Holden possibly relatable to Frank Iero is, first of all, his gender. Being a depressed boy is very different than being a depressed girl in terms of how society sees you and, consequently, how you present your symptoms (many people in the psych community are hoping the DSM changes its criteria for depression to include more symptoms displayed by men). Holden spends the entire novel trying to downplay his weaknesses and missteps, saying things like “I might have been bawling” or someone telling him to stop shouting to which he says “which is very funny, because I wasn’t even shouting.” He tells everyone he failed his classes because his teachers were just too boring or too phony or because the class’s objective is immoral–he never takes responsibility for his actions, which perpetuates this whole “us VS them” mentality but also seems a helluva lot more “manly” than getting down on himself all the time, right? Especially in the ‘40s. And Frank appears to do this sometimes too, even in his adulthood. Despite his claims that Twitter is 100% just for fun, whenever someone says “hey uuhh rape jokes aren’t funny?” he tends to deflect and blame someone else (I’m sure an actual conversation about these things might help, but with the shortness Twitter, he seems to Not Get It). 

Then there’s the private schools. Unlike Holden, we know Frank’s grades were awesome, and he had some leadership positions with at least one club, and was generally a put together student who just happened to be in about four punk bands on the weekends. But, like Holden, I do think Frank saw a lot of hypocrisy in the adults around him. He mentioned that at a young age he felt like the Catholic Church was a little sketchy and hypocritical, so imagine being a hormonal punk kid forced to tuck in your shirt every day and assimilate with Mother Superior? Even passed my own puberty, I have to agree with Holden about the fakeness of a lot of people, and I have my own bone to pick with religious hypocrisy, so I can see how the two sentiments might be entwined. 

Frank’s parents are also divorced, and while it doesn’t seem that anything to Dramatic or Drastic was the cause or result of it, growing up with divorced parents can be hard just because they’re divorced. Take it from me when I say that teenagers can get their emotions fucked up eight ways to Sunday just because Mom’s going on a date with Not Dad. So it’s possible that Frank’s relationship with his parents could have also been a source of his angst and identification with Holden’s obsession with phonies. Holden’s relationship with his parents isn’t bad, either, but he also doesn’t see them as sources of comfort or support–we know Frank’s parents were supportive in hindsight but it’s possible Frank as a teen might not have seen it that way…teenagers tend to miss the big picture, I’ve noticed.

And then there’s Holden’s tendency to run away from literally every problem he thinks he has. The kid spends five days in NYC with almost no sleep or food just so he can avoid staying at Pencey and avoid going home at the same time. Most of the plot enfolds because Holden’s going, “I need to get the FUCK out of here RIGHT THE FUCK now.” Dude dreams of joining a monastery, living in the woods, hitchhiking across the country, he asks a girl to run away with him the first time he sees her in like 3 years–the kid CANNOT face his problems or settle down. Like,  Holden’s SEEN some shit. His younger brother died, and Holden broke a few windows in his house, fucking up his hand for the rest of his life–that was his coping mechanism. He didn’t cry, he didn’t get to go to the funeral, he just destroyed his hand and keeps his brother’s baseball glove in his suitcase. He also saw someone’s corpse on the pavement after they jumped out of a window and didn’t process THAT at all.  And it’s possible Frank has the same pattern of avoidance–he spends his life touring, and there have been instances where Frank would rather play with an oxygen tank onstage than sit the show out or go to the hospital or go home. Most recently with the bus crash, Frank admits he may have been too pushy with his band members to get better by the time their tour started up again. In interviews, he’s said he knows he’s different as a result of the crash but he hasn’t taken the time to figure it out because he’s been on the road since the SECOND they were all ready to play again. Even before I decided to reread this book, I realized that it doesn’t seem Frank’s taken the time to let himself process what’s happened or let it affect him yet because he’s been focusing on touring.

And lastly, I can’t remember where but someone gave their copy of The Cather in the Rye to Frank to sign, and he turned to the last page and underlined “Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.” which are the last lines of the novel, and just SCREAM avoidance to me. Don’t open yourself up, don’t talk about your problems, don’t go to therapy because it will just hurt you more in the end. Frank’s said before that therapy isn’t for him, that he has his family to help him through things, but that doesn’t mean he TALKS about anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if Frank’s songwriting is the #1 outlet he has for accurately expressing his feelings and thoughts; he can’t seem to let music go, his lyrics tend to be…a bit worrying, and if he puts it all out in music, then it’s still an avoidance of looking another person in the eye and plainly stating how he feels. I’m hoping this has changed/will change especially because a few of Frank’s lyrics mention antidepressants which are most effective with therapy but…I can’t know that, and it isn’t any of my business. 

And that’s my dissertation that could be absolutely wrong. Feel free to tell me so.

#Frank Iero #The Catcher in the Rye #God forgive me for this shit

[coaldustcanary]

Recommend me some shows to watch? What are some of your favs and why?

I asked for some distracting prompts the other day, and though I’d crashed for the night early when this one came in, it’s actually a really interesting question to think about for me, lately. I’m a media scholar, and I try to regularly consume media for professional as well as personal reasons, but this term has been such a bear for me that I’ve kinda gotten out of the habit/lost the desire.

Currently-airing shows I enjoy (besides the obvious Once Upon a Time):

Lucifer - I’ve talked a bit about Lucifer before on my tumblr, but mostly I like this show because it’s funny, self-aware, and fairly palate-cleansing after a few years where (besides OUAT) most of the TV I’ve consumed has been on the gritty side. The dialogue/writing is sharp and funny, the supporting characters are interesting, if a touch underdeveloped-feeling at times, and it feels like a show that has a good grasp of its audience and how to please them without pandering. (I was not surprised when I saw the head show-runner for this program is female, ngl.) It’s not a particularly deep show, but it’s solid.

The Magicians - Just finished up its second season on SyFy, and has been renewed for a third. It’s based on a popular book series that I haven’t read but has often been described to me “The Chronicles of Narnia meets Hogwarts University AU”. It’s...not a bad description. For the TV adaptation, they aged up the protagonists a bit - they’re mid-to-late-20s and the magic school is framed more as “magic post graduate studies” - and I’m glad they did, because I’m a little too old to relate to teenagers at this point. Things I like about the series: The protagonists feel stereotypical a la The Breakfast Club but they play with that assumption in interesting ways. It deconstructs both Harry Potter and the Chronicles of Narnia in ways that I think are very significant for anyone who grew up reading both series. And it legitimately surprised me a lot, which TV doesn’t always do anymore. On the negative side, it can be so self-aware and on the nose about deconstructing YA fantasy that it’s grim, and it includes explicit scenes of child sexual abuse and animal abuse that made me uncomfortable, and an explicit rape scene that is repeatedly shown throughout late S1 and all of S2 as a memory/flashback. I still recommend the show highly, but it can be tough to watch sometimes.

The Expanse - Also just finished up its second season on SyFy, and has been renewed for a third. I haven’t finished the second season yet (only about halfway through) but I’m still very much enjoying it. Positives: Engaging, diverse cast and futuristic sci-fi worldbuilding that feels very thoughtful and detailed. Negatives: Slow to start (I wasn’t really into it until the end of 1x04) and it returns to linger on the manpain of the only two white male protagonists - Miller and Holden - more than I would like, when all the female characters - Naomi, Chrisjen Avasarala, Bobbie Draper - are way more interesting. Miller in particular just doesn’t do it for me and I find his scenes boring as fuck. (Thomas Jane is a very solid actor, I just find the character exhausting.) Holden at least is usually interacting with Naomi or the other members of his crew, so I find his scenes more bearable. I am extremely picky about my “realistic” sci-fi, especially military sci-fi, but this show works for me when a lot of others haven’t, and I look forward to it continuing. I’ve heard the books are great, too.

Oh, and Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown - I really enjoy Bourdain, he’s such a thoughtful asshole. The editing and cinematography on this travel/culture/food program is incredible, too.

#television #media stuff #what i watch #mryddinwilt

[the-roci]

The Expanse Dump 2x12 *Here be spoilers*

This has been sitting on my laptop, which I didn’t have access to, and I’m so tempted to go back and edit/add some things after thinking about them, but I’ll leave it be. I'm happy blonde scientist is dead, just seeing her in the recap annoys me. Watching Rick Grimes for years has turned me a little cold. #RickGrimesForLife. Errinwright open, okay. He's a piece of shit but he has nice eyes. Oh no no no no, don't get a son involved in this. It’s too late for that. Of course the son wears a blazer though. His name is probably Preston or Duncan. I bet he probably goes to York Prep or some futuristic equivalent and doesn’t care how much money he drops on bud. I hate him. Alex, however, I love. Why can’t we get an entire episode about Alex (probably because we only get 13 a season and there isn’t enough time to even squeeze a good ten minutes out of them). Our boys being hunters though, I can get behind that. Not that I think their hunt can accomplish a heck of a whole lot, but what can you do, boys will be boys. I love the history callbacks. Oooooooh. 'Don't talk down to me, plant guy.' Holden's got jokes. Holden’s behavior needs to break, man. Or we need more of his PTSD coming through because it’s honestly so hard to connect to him, and I’m so scared the audience is going to drift too far away from him to come back when his behavior shifts. And it’s not fair to his character. Jefferson and Jody. Okay, not as bad as I assumed, but still cringe worthy. Fuck. Errinwright is….confusing me. He’s in too deep to step away from the game completely, and I really don’t think anyone as ruthless as him can be 100% genuine about what they’re up to, but maybe this is a last ditch effort on his part? Even if it is though, I have a feeling that it’s more about appeasing to Avasarala’s humanity in an attempt to get her fully on his side rather than protecting his children. Or maybe the parental instincts are kick in. Let’s talk about Avasarala’s humanity for a second because they’re playing it up and I’m lapping it up like a freaking kitten. Avasarala is BAMF AF, but she’s also human. The juxtaposition of Avasarala !Madame Secretary and Avasarala!wife/mother/grandmother has been one of my favorite transformations to watch throughout the series. Especially because she slips into both roles so effortlessly. This though, dealing with Erringwrite’s betrayal, watching him ready himself for whatever punishment is in store for him, likely cuts through her Madame Secretary and hits Chrisjen square in the chest. Because as hard as she is, she’s also a person who has worked with this man for the past x amount of years and damn if this isn't twisting her insides a bit. Pair this with seeing her out of her element – on a ship heading into space, man, they’re all these little details just paint such a full picture of her. And even if I love her being this large, unapologetic, and imposing figure, it’s good to remember that she’s much more than just that. That shaky breath at launch, the need for distraction, the nausea, gimme more of this. And this is what cuts through to Bobbie isn’t it? She’s not just dealing with Avasarala Defender of Earth, she’s dealing with a woman who’s just trying to do her dang job, but it’s hard to see the person underneath, isn’t it? Last week we had Alex in his element and now we have Naomi. I live for this shit. Look at her assess the situation in seconds and take the reins. Just move, dude, you’re in the way and giving me more work to do. She breathes this shit, doesn’t she? Earned degrees in record time, can computer equations and conversions like she's having a conversation about the weather. Naomi Nagata oozes competence and she deserves to show that more on screen. Cotyar is quickly climbing the ranks of the ‘characters I love’ list. They keep throwing us these scarps about his past and they’re just delicious teases. What does it say about his relationship with Avasarala that he’s the reason her son got killed? Is that what pulled him away from being a ‘spy’? #Salty Bobbie is my favorite Bobbie. All I want is for Bobbie and Cotyar to reluctantly start respecting one another and then liking each other! Hmm...errinwright is going to give himself an early exit, isn't he? That doesn’t really seem in line with his - Oh yep, there it is. He is. Why does that make me....a little sad? It definitely doesn't have to do with Preston and Barbara, tell ya that much. Listen, if Holden doesn’t completely break down by the end of this episode – although, I would take the season finale (WHAT?!?), too, I’m gonna be thoroughly unimpressed. This dude is cracking under the weight of his experience on Eros and the knowledge that Eros wasn't the end. And we’re not seeing it. We’re only seeing the negative behavior stemming from it all. I mean, there’s Alex, of course there’s Alex, because Alex likes trying to fix people, but maybe doesn’t always pick the best moments to try to connect. I’m gonna need a lot more of Alex’s POV in the third season because he’s more than walking moral support, but I’ll let that thought go for now. That shift from ‘Jim’ to ‘Sir’ though. These people are more than shipmates, and Alex is trying to connect to Holden on such a personal level because he knows this isn’t Jim, but there’s so much static to cut through that all the messages get lost in translation and Holden continues to slip away because of it. He needs someone to grab him by the shoulders and pull him out of the murky waters but he’s flailing and pushing away every attempt to help him. And it’s honestly trying to get through to Holden or keeping them alive, so of course Alex professionals up, switches to Sir and continues on because that’s all that can be done for now. Huh, so, is Errinwright not taking himself out? Or is he taking himself and the Martian out? That would be a way to go! Oh, huh, wrong again. Man, I’m awful at predicting things. Errinwright is definitely keeping himself in the game then. I can relate to Bobbie in the fact that I too go straight for the food. I take it back, I take it all back, errinwright is a scum bag and I love it. Well, I hate it, but you gotta admire his tenacity. Also, I appreciate all the fuck bombs. Without a doubt, this entire sequence, with, and around Naomi, has been the most tragic thing the show has done. On one hand, of course Naomi would inspire the Belter to do the right thing. Of course she would. And she did it on her own, without the help or protection of Amos, because she’s a resourceful mother fucker, and I’m so thankful she’s allowed to have this agency without the presence of another character. And imagine what she feels when she looks at the monitors and sees all those Belters waiting to die. Especially considering she already feels conflicted about being forced to leave the Belt and turning her back on her own people once before. And now we have the additional information about her son. How he was taken from her, but she likely had to come to terms with his feelings of abandonment, and now she’s being asked to do it all again. Only this time, it means people die. God, how tired do you think she must feel? Just this stretched out feeling in her stomach, a wound that never had time to properly heal, and there it is again, raw and open in ways she’s not ready to feel again. Or maybe she has been feeling it, but now it’s pulled to the surface in ways she can’t quite hide from herself or from others. So, she does the one thing she needs to do for herself – help people, regardless of the cost, even if the cost is her own life. And I’m sure all the guilt she has been feeling from her past is mixed into the decision to offer her life up for a stranger, and ugh, I’m not ready to process that. I don’t want to say too much, but I’m in awe at how much Naomi cares, and how much weight she must be carrying from a past we’ve only begun receiving peeks into. Welp, that destroyed me. Utterly destroyed me. The husband (?) getting right to the door, but having to stay behind. I’m on the floor. There’s more to talk about, but man, how do you keep going after that end. I’m not even sure I have it in me to talk about Holden. Thank god Alex got through to him, and hopefully, hopefully, this is the turning point, but we’ll have to see what happens next episode.

#the expanse #the expanse discussion #the expanse spoilers #spoilers #2x12