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#and like almost two years ago i cane out as nonbinary
yeonjuns-croptop · 3 years
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Just tried doing my own eyeliner for the first time (even before there was like one(1) time a friend did it on me) and honestly it's not that bad and i'm severely vibing
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pptheshort · 3 years
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The leap chapter 2 Albert wesker x GN reader
❗⚠️Warnings: Toxic behavior, possessiveness, slightly decision of death/being killed. Please read with caution if any of these things are triggering to you. ⚠️❗
A/n: Hello bitches and bros and nonbinary hoes! Little A/N here so I had to rewrite chapter 2 because I was satisfied with the original one. I may publish it as a later chapter or publish it as a alternative chapter 2. But I don't think it would make much sense since the original chapter 2 is very fluffy best to say. It had a kiss scene and everything 😳
Summary: Instead of Jill jumping out of the window to save Chris you take her place. Unaware of the things that will take place in the future. One simple decision has now completely changed your life for the better or worse?
Word count: 1,906
Chapter 1:
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It's been two weeks since your last encounter with Albert, the only form of human contact you had was with your doctors and nurse and that wasn't enough. The doctors came in for an hour while the nurse was coming in to check vitals and give you food so it was for maybe a couple of minutes. Then you would be alone, being alone by yourself made you think about many things. Escaping was one of the things you thought of but you could barely walk and the door in your room was always locked but that didn't stop you from forming a plan. It was a decent plan at best.
You had slightly memorized the time when the nurse would come in. Today you wanted to make a slight attempt to escape or maybe get another object that would benefit you in this plan. Over the course of a week you managed to steal a bobby pin. It wasn't much but it was something. 
But the constant fear of getting caught by Albert was what you feared the most, you could only walk with a cane and you couldn't run yet and you could barely stand for five minutes. So if you did escape and the people who worked in this facility found out, Albert catching you would most likely happen. The thought of him running up to you scared you so much. You were pulled back into reality when the sound of the door unlocking filled your ears. It was 12:45pm a bit early for the nurse to come in, you stared at the door. When it opened you saw Albert walk in, he was wearing his normal attire and trademark sunglasses. You stared at him not saying a word, when Albert closed the door the sound of the door clicking once again filled your ears.
"Why hello there Mr. Wesker." You wanted to get him on his good side so that if you did escape and he caught you maybe he wouldn't kill you. You decided to refer to him as Mr. Wesker to try to get on his good side. You almost cringed when you said Mr. Wesker.
"How nice of you to greet me." Albert responded he had a smirk on his face when he said that.
"How are you today?" You began to ask hoping everything is going accordingly.
He began to sit on the end of your bed, Albert opened his mouth to speak: "I would say it's going very accordingly."
"That's good." You nodded your head in response to him.
The two of you sat in silence, you looked down at the bed sheets while Albert was looking at you. You felt nervous, scared is the best thing to say. You didn't want him catching onto you, you ripped his thoughts when Albert cleared his throat.
"You've been here in this room and I'm surprised you haven't made a big fuss out of it, you know if you keep up this good behavior I'll maybe allow you to walk around the facility with supervision, of course." Albert said as he moved closer to you.
'This is going to be easier than I thought, huh?' You thought to yourself. You nodded your head and put on a smile for him: "Thank you."
Albert once again moved closer, his face now inches away from yours. He grabbed your face and pulled it closer to his. This made your heart race, Albert had let out a chuckle: "You know you are a very good specimen so why not take you out on a little walk. Wouldn't you like that, hm?"
You felt so embarrassed and slightly humiliated you could tell he was toying with you like how a predator toys with their prey. Instead of saying anything you decided to nod your head.
"Now what do we say?" Albert said in a mocking tone. At this point you knew he was toying with you, trying to get under your skin.
"Thank you."
Once again Albert started to speak but this time he had let go of your face and stood up: "That's a good specimen."
You couldn't help but almost cringe when he called you that, you are already running thin on patience so one more thing out of his mouth is going to be the end of you. Albert offered to hold your hand, without thinking you took his hand.  Albert pulled you close to him, you almost fell down due the sudden movement but Albert caught you.
"May I grab my cane, to help me walk. Please?" You asked
Albert nodded, you reached for the cane that was near your nightstand. Once you grabbed your cane you followed Albert who was waiting by the door.
'This is my chance to escape. But what if it doesn't work? Fuck it if I die here it will be better than being here.' When you reached Albert you heard the sound of the door unlocking, you noticed he was holding a key in his hand. When he proceeded to open the door without thinking you jabbed your cane into Albert, this caused him to fall over and drop his key. You took this opportunity to take the key and leave the room. When you left the room you slammed the door behind you making sure you locked it. Because you couldn't run you ended up speed walking through the empty hallways. Entering some rooms here and there to find any weapon to help you defend yourself against Albert.
When you entered what you assumed was a supply closet, you heard footsteps running pass the door and a familiar voice saying "You can't hide forever!"
Your heart began to beat fast, you had to compose yourself. This wasn't the time to panic. Standing for such a long time puts a strain on your legs, walking becomes harder to do. So staying in the supply closet was a must do. You sat in there for what seemed like 30 minutes once the pain died down a bit you stood up and started to head back into the hallway. Once again you walked the seemingly endless hallways, and you almost got caught by Albert a couple of times. You managed to not be seen by the workers in this facility.
You reached an area where there were no workers, you explored through it and found a door that could possibly lead to the exit. You began to walk faster with your legs once again in agonizing pain. You almost reached the door when you saw a familiar figure near the door.
'Shit!'  You thought to yourself you began backing away when Albert began to approach you. You ended up trying to back away, unable to hide your emotions anymore fear ended up controlling you at this point. When Albert was now in front of you he began to chuckle a bit.
"This was such an entertaining game, it was so fun seeing you run around the facility thinking you were going to get out. You should see the look on your face, y/n." Albert cupped his hands on your cheeks.
"Let me fucking go." You spotted him.
"Hold your tongue, if I could I could kill you right now. Once again you probably want that."
"Why are you doing this?" You asked your voice slightly cracking
Albert had paused to think about his answer. He ended up ignoring the question all together. Albert began to change the conversation back to this whole fiasco. 
"I'm having so much fun that I'll allow you to continue this game we are having but y/n get a little more creative next time, dear heart."
You hadn't heard that name in a long time. Albert would call you dear heart when the two of you dated. You almost cringed when he said that name again, you tried to back away from him but he didn't let you.
"Remember when I would call you that? Or you begged for me to call you that." 
You didn't want him to say another word, the Albert you fell in love with died back in July 1998 now that's left is a sick power hungry man who only wants to change the world to match his expectations. Albert noticed how this was seemingly getting under your skin now, reopening old wounds. A part of him wanted to stop but he ended up counting to 'tease' you.
"Remember on that day, when we went to the Spencer mansion? It was the day before our anniversary, you seemed so excited to give me your gift but th-."
Before Albert could finish his sentence you had shouted at him to shut up. Seeing how you reacted he felt bad. This was out of character for him, he was soon snapped out of his thoughts when you had pushed him away. You had ended up falling backwards.
"Why am I here? What do you want from me?" You asked, your voice slowly rising.
Albert walked next to you and squatted down next to you. "Y/n, you are here for many reasons. But one of the reasons is because I want you by my side once again. I want you to be mine again, after all these years I thought my feelings for you would've died off but my dear Y/n they haven't. It only got stronger after all these years. '' Albert's tone was now more gentle. He was regretting the things he did, he made sure you didn't catch on. 
"But-."
Albert had shushed you before you could even say your sentence. "Allow me to finish. Why don't you join me, if you do we can be together once again or you don't. Nothing is stopping you from refusing my offer." Albert had ended up pulling you closer to him.
You thought about it for a moment but joining him would increase your chances of escaping and getting out of here. A part of you couldn't completely understand what he was saying to you, just a moment ago he was trying to play with your emotions so why did he suddenly have a change of heart. It was a high possibility he was lying but you wanted to believe him because similar to him you still had feelings but at this point they were so 'dead'. You made your decision, you were going to join him.
"Fine, I'll join you."
Albert's face lit up and it was noticeable too. Albert said anything else he picked you up, grabbed your cane and started to walk to your room. On the way over there he began to speak.
"From now on I'll be coming into your room to come see you more often my dear."
That's all he said you nodded your head in response to him. Once the two of you reached your room Albert placed you down on your bed but before he left he asked for the key back, you gave it back to him. When Albert left the room he locked it behind him, after waiting a couple of minutes you couldn't help but slightly cry in what you assume is frustration. You wished you never jumped out of that window but if you didn't Chris would've been killed and who knows what would've happened to Jill. 
'I'll make sure I get out of here, no matter the cost I will.'
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transarchivist · 4 years
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do you have any podcasts recs? I want to listen to archive 81 but I need some backup and I've already listened to the more "famous" ones, like all of them I binge podcasts like they pay me for me it ajsjjshfje
!!!! ok i'm sorry it's taken me a hot minute to get to you BUT i think i have a good amount of reccomendations :o
these first few are kinda "famous" but i thought i'd point em out just in case! some of them ended a few years ago and they were more well known back when they were running
wolf 359: gotta point this one out juuuust in case you haven't listened to it! amazing sci fi... would drama be the right word? it's very intense and has some really interesting meditations on morality and the self But it's also so extremely funny. complete, ended in 2017
ars paradoxica: america during the cold war, the red scare, intense government conspiracies.... And Time Travel! complicated but amazing plot and a big cast- i would recommend not pausing and listening to something else, it gets complex! mischa stanton directed it so you Know it has stellar sound design (added bonus: lgbt main characters) complete, ended in 2018
the bright sessions: people with superpowers go to therapy! plus: shadowy capitalistic conspiracies, amazing romances and phenomenal character development! i'm not a fan of romances and i Loved the ones here (it's not heavily romance focused though!) (added bonus: lgbt main characters + main lgbt romance) complete, ended in 2018. i think a spin off series is running rn tho!
the adventure zone: this isn't an audio drama, it's an actual play d&d podcast! the first season (balance) is amazing- hilarious and heart wrenching! (the heart wrenching takes a while to kick in but MAN it's so good) the first season ended in 2017. i haven't finished the second big season (amnesty) but i loved what i did listen to, same with the currently running season (graduation)
sayer: starts off as sinister night vale but with an ai and in space, evolves into a complicated save-the-world plot concerning several ais. it's in second person and it's Amazing! lots of meditations on the self and personhood. currently on hiatus but will be ending when it resumes
alice isn't dead: from the people who did night vale! starts as a trucker trying to find her wife, evolves to include shadowy government conspiracies and the power of regular people banding together. ending made me tear up it's really good! it's Big on the horror (the first ep is the only podcast that's ever truly scared me and it continues to scare the shit out of me to this day) but its Extremely Good Horror. very americana too! complete, ended in 2018.
ok that's the more well known ones out of the way, i think? i'm not too confident about how well known some of them are nowadays ^^' all i can say is that i heard abt them frequently in 2016. now onto the lesser known ones ! the ones that are complete are generally pretty short listens (relatively- they're still a good handful of hours at the least)
zero hours: by the wolf 359 people, it's a short anthology that released all at once last year. to pharaphrase/quote the official blurb: each episode is a take on the end of the world, whether the apocalypse is planetary or personal. each episode is separated by 99 years, starting in the past (1722) reaching the present and then overtaking it. surprisingly hopeful ending, made me <:')
i am in eskew: you've probably heard me holler about this before- it follows the trials and tribulations of david ward, who lives in the nightmarish and otherworldly city of eskew. 30 episodes long and complete, with a phenomenal ending! i can't rave about this enough i could Keep talking but i'll cut myself short. it's horror and it's damn good horror! does deal with extremely heavy topics, please be careful!
janus descending: sci fi horror with what has to be the most interesting formatting i've seen in ages: the two points of view alternate each episode... but one is chronological and one is backwards! amazingly done, keeps you guessing until the end! complete. follows peter and chel as they undertake a survey mission on an alien planet
midnight radio: made by @/theradioghost! big on the idea that "all ghost stories are love stories". a 1950s radio hostess gets letters from a fan. horror, big on the 1950s aesthetics, focus on the relationship between one and one's hometown. lovely ending! it's sapphic too :]
the far meridian: by the same people who did ars paradoxica! follows peri, a bit of a hermit who has extreme social anxiety, who lives in a lighthouse that suddenly begins to teleport. each morning peri wakes up and the lighthouse is in a different place! there are like... some horror elements? kinda? but it's not intense imo. it mainly follows peri learning to cope with her anxiety & helping others, with each episode usually having a one off encounter (usually pretty strange!) often has wholesome vibes. s3 is currently in production and is the final season. plus: lgbt characters, and kinda spoilers but peri uses a cane later on!
old gods of appalachia: honestly it's what it says on the tin! a collection of short stories set in historical appalachia that deal with entities beyond human understanding. they're good about trigger warnings, but it's Horror. produced by actual appalachians! stellar music, a Lot strong female characters, and a good amount of lgbt rep! killer music!! it's currently releasing but the latest short story is finished. (do listen in order though!)
the deep vault: by the archive 81 team! in an "almost-post-apocalyptic" america a group of friends chase a rumor about a secret hidden vault, only to Find it! follows the group as they traverse the deep vault. horror, actively points out capitalism a Lot, definetly has an interesting ending! amazing sound design, which is to be expected from dan powell!
tides: the official blurb is short and sweet: "tides is the story of dr. winnifred eurus, a xenobiologist stuck on an unfamiliar planet with hostile tidal forces". extremely snarky and endearing main character and fascinating worldbuilding! i don't know the status of s2, but s1 was really good!
limetown: follows one lia haddock, a public radio reporter, as she tries to unravel the mystery of what happened at limetown. all she knows is that 10 years prior, over 300 men, women and children vanished. horror, mystery, and some sci fi elements. presented in a found footage kinda way. i really enjoyed it, especially the first season. complete.
mabel: horror (big on the haunted house type specifically), sapphic romance, fun take on the fair folk/fae! follows anna limon, an in home carer who's trying to get in touch with her client's estranged granddaughter. evolves into a big fae-horror-romance-thing! really interesting romance tbh. amazing imagery and prose- lots of prose + almost poetry, but it's really good i promise. currently on a post season hiatus
spines: horror but it evolves past just horror in an interesting way (keeping the horror bits, of course). follows wren, who woke up in an attic surrounded by the remains of a cult ritual without any memories of who she is or what she was doing. she searches for answers, encountering creepy shit along the way. really interesting take on the super-secret-organization-that's-always-been-there trope! really good ending. one of the main characters is nonbinary + there's other lgbt main characters.
mirrors: by the people who did spines. also starts as horror but evolves past just horror (it's also sci fi). follows three women in three different centuries who are all experiencing the same haunting. phenomenal take on ghosts! like i can't articulate how cool this angle on ghosts is! s3 is supposed to start this year :] one of the main characters is sapphic, and her wife is a supporting character.
the six disappearances of ella mccray: also by the people who did spines and mirrors. evolves past just horror but keeps more of the horror elements? follows the 6 povs of the people who witnessed the surreal disappearance of ella mccray. each saw something different and surreal, and as they search for her, surreal things start happening to them. unsure abt the status of s3 but s1 and s2 are really good! lgbt main characters, including a trans lesbian (played by a trans woman!)
the bridge: horror. follows the crew of watchtower 10 on the transcontinental bridge that spans across the atlantic ocean. i listened to it back in like 2016-2017 so my memory is hazy, but i remember really enjoying it! currently on hiatus.
within the wires: sci fi... horror..? i listened to the first season a few years ago and enjoyed it and i've continued to hear really good things. it's by the people who make night vale! my memory isn't great but iirc the first season is a sort of romance that's formatted as a set of relaxation/meditation cassettes. it's a few seasons in and i think each is generally self contained, im unsure if it's currently running or not
the orbiting human circus of the air: also by the night vale people! again i listened to this a few years ago so im hazy. follows julian the janitor who works at a radio station that broadcasts from the top of the eiffel tower! surreal but in a wholesome way, iirc! i remember tearing up with happy tears at the s1 finale ^^' really good music! i think the second(?) season ended recently
stellar firma: i've only listened to a handful of episodes, but i've liked what i've heard. sci fi improv comedy that follows the newly made clone david 7 and the mess that is trexel geistman as they try and design custom planets. i think it's currently running but i dunno
rusty quill gaming: also another one that i've only listened to a few episodes of. actual play pathfinder (basically d&d) podcast set on an alternate earth. alex newall (martin's voice actor) is the dm. i've heard really good things from a lot of people! i think it's currently running but again i don't know for sure
right! that's. that's what i got.
i mentioned @/theradioghost earlier (shes behind midnight radio) but i would absolutely recommend looking at her rec list tag! she has impeccable taste
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sml8180 · 3 years
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Top 5 Writings 2020
So, I’ve posted a lot of writing this year. I’ve posted one chapter a week since 1 January, 2020, and haven’t missed a single week. On top of that, I’ve posted a few stories in between uploads, as well as doing daily uploads throughout the month of December.
With all this, I decided to go back through and find my 5 favorite pieces from this year, and reflect a little as to why I enjoy them so much. #1 will be my absolute favorite piece of this year, and I’ll be going in ascending order (so #5 first, #4 second, and so on).
#5 ~ Lasting Injuries ~ Who Killed Markiplier? ~ 13 Feb, 2020
Summary: Damien always has a cane in his hand, and although most don't realize it, the ornate object isn't just for show.
So, this story was spawned by a couple of things back in February. I injured my knee roughly 8 (almost 9) years ago, when I was in middle school, and since then have dealt with knee pain off and on (up until just recently, when I finally went to Physical Therapy, which helped to strengthen and stabilize my right knee and hip), which at the time of writing this, was acting up and resulting in pain. On top of this, I’ve had a personal HC that Damien carries a cane in WKM not only for show as the Mayor, but because he actually needs it.
I still really enjoy this story, partly as a self-indulgent thing for my HC concerning Damien’s cane, and partly because it was just fun to write something that served to even more closely connect Damien and Dark as characters (despite, y’know, Damien literally being part of Dark).
#4 ~ Beginnings ~ Markiplier Egos ~ 1 Jan, 2020 - 15 April, 2020
Summary: With so many different personalities within the manor, the question can arise of just how they all ended up under one roof. Some were brought by opportunity, some by tragedy, some by fate. Every story starts somewhere, after all.
This was the first story I posted this year, and dear god, I can’t believe its actually been that long since Chapter 1 of this went up. The series this is the start to is on hiatus, since I kinda burnt out on the Ego works, but I do really like this story overall. This was the story that got be uploading weekly, and I just enjoyed coming up with how all the Egos would have ended up at the manor. It also helped me work on developing my writing a bit, especially when it comes to writing shorter, more contained stories, since each chapter is connected, but also serves sort of as a oneshot of its own.
#3 ~ Games ~ Sanders Sides ~ 12 Dec, 2020
Summary: Patton decided that all the Sides should have a game night. Logan uses it as a chance to come out.
One of my favorite Sanders Sides HCs is that Logan is Agender. This was a fun little fill, where I got to write the six main Sides all playing some good ole’ Two Truths and A Lie (with special consideration made for the fact Janus is a Living Lie Detector).
This is one of my favorite stories not just because I love the Agender Logan HC, but also because I actually came out as Genderfluid back at the very start of June of this year. Like Logan, I knew I had an accepting family, but coming out like that is still nerve-wracking, and it was interesting to look back at my own experience while writing this roughly 6 months after coming out.
#2 ~ Intense Emotions ~ Sanders Sides ~ 11 Oct, 2020
Summary: Virgil and Roman are excited to tell Logan and Patton about the day Thomas had at the mall. Patton, Logan, and Roman all learn something new about their favorite emo. Logan and Virgil find they have something in common.Janus is just glad to see Virgil so happy.
I wrote this the day after Flirting With Social Anxiety came out, and we got Virgil with glittery purple eyeshadow and confirmation that Roman, Virgil, and Character!Thomas all stim when excited. I just really wanted to write stimmy Sides content, okay?
I also projected a little bit in this one... I have ADHD, this isn’t something that I really hide (I’ve reblogged quite a few ADHD related posts, and it’s pretty clear that I tend to hyperfixate on certain things), and like many people who are neuro-divergent (and many people in general, neuro-typical or otherwise), I tend to stim, especially when I get happy or excited.
I was taught to suppress my stimming as a kid, and I also just don’t want to be distracting or anything like that. Logan and Virgil both do the same; Logan wants to be taken seriously, and neither one of them wants to distract the others. It’s something I’ve been working on (and something Logan and Virgil are working on, too).
#1 ~ Chaos is Normal (For Us, at Least) ~ Sanders Sides ~ 26 Aug, 2020 - 20 Jan, 2021
Summary: Life can easily become chaotic. This is especially true for teenagers and secret agents. When Logan and their team were assigned a mission listed by their agency as "High Priority; High Danger", they didn't realize just how dangerous it would turn out to be. When Patton and Emile make a pair of new friends, they don't realize just what they'll be getting into. For all parties involved, chaos is just a part of life. It's normal. For them, at least.
This is 100% my favorite thing I’ve written this year (and possibly my favorite of all my stories, up to this point). I’m a sucker for Spy/Secret Agent AU stuff, honestly.
This story has Agender Logan, Trans Janus, Genderfluid Emile, and Nonbinary Remus, along with ADHD Creativitwins, and honestly, I’m very happy I got all of those concepts in.
Now, this story isn’t complete just yet, Chapter 19 (my favorite chapter, by far) went up yesterday (30 Dec, 2020). There’s still 3 chapters to go up, and plenty more for the Chaos is Normal universe as a whole, since I have a prequel centering around Logan and Remy, and a sequel centering around all the teens, both in the works, along with a few oneshots.
This story was just overall a ton of fun to write, and the response has been amazing. This is one of just two stories I’ve posted to break 1,000 hits over on Ao3 (the other being Beginnings, actually). There’s a handful of oneshots already in the collection, too, since a few of the December prompt fills actually ended up taking place in this universe, and I think they’re all really cute.
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And, that’s it! My Top 5 Writings from this year! I’m really proud of all these pieces, and generally proud of myself for managing to post every week this year, and then some.
I’m also incredibly thankful for all the support I’ve been getting on my writing, I really do appreciate all the Hits, Kudos, Comments, Likes, and Reblogs I’ve gotten on my works.
Without a doubt, I’ll be continuing to write, and we’ll see what I come up with in 2021.
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Why Did I Go Into Massage Therapy?
I was, well still am, a nerd. Sci-fi, Anime, and Band. Large square glasses, always a book in hand. As a child, one look at me in Gym class and you would laugh......so how in the world did I get into Massage Therapy???
If you try to picture a Massage Therapist, you will probably imagine someone with long hair tied back in a length of fabric, eating a lovely breakfast of organic vegan food, and listening to whale calls on a music player. Or perhaps someone who is doing yoga on some random white sand beach overlooking a peaceful ocean whilst harmonizing with the ebbs of the tides.
Now picture me, if you can, a 5'4" 180lb book nerd who has the athleticism of a bear during January. That doesn't quite match up to the aesthetic, does it? So how did I get here?
I'll let you in on a little secret. Ready? My dream job when I was little: To be like Steve Irwin. Yep, that's right. I wanted to be a Herpetologist. I have a picture of me when I was just 5 years old holding a baby alligator. And one day when I find it in the massive pile of photo albums my mom keeps, I'll attach it to this post.
I was so determined that when I was in 3rd grade (or Primary 4 for non-Americans) I convinced my mom to take me to the local college where there was a Herpetology class on Saturdays. For 5 months every Saturday I would go to the local college and learn about reptiles. And even now I can pull up my transcript and that class will still be on there.....though I think I got more of a participation grade than an actual grade.
Now, let me bring everyone to my generation for a bit. I was born in 1998. Youtube was invented when I was 8. Okay? Everyone with me? Alrighty then.
When I was in 6th grade (I was 11 yrs old. Do the math. I tried seeing what other countries do, but apparently literally everyone does it differently. For me it was my last year in Primary) over Christmas I got a laptop and on the laptop was the Internet. Now I had been on the internet before and my family had a desk top, but now I could have the Internet On.My.Lap.
I could use the laptop in the living room, my bedroom, I even used the landing on the stairs a few times. It was a novelty.
Well as any self respecting 11 year old would do in the year 2009, I went on Youtube and watched Charlie the Unicorn and Llamas With Hats. When I finished with that I watched Dragon Ball Z. Again, reiterating.....I was a nerd starting from a very young age. Well, one day over that glorious Christmas break away from the worries of school as I was on Youtube watching various videos, on the trending page there was a video titled something along the lines of: Strange Asian Chiropractic Must Watch Now.
Obviously click bait, but I was baited and I clicked.
But now the Youtube algorhythm thought they had me after that video and over in the suggested column was a video titled "Relaxing ASMR Swedish Massage"
You can probably guess what I did next.
I clicked.
That video changed and rocked my world. I couldn't believe what I was watching. It felt so right. Like a chunk inside of me was missing and had finally been found.
I kept clicking and watching more and more videos. I subscribed and liked and commented. I learned techniques and styles and lingo.
Just the thought that I could be the reason someone recovered. That someone felt a relief from pain. That I healed someone. I was already someone that loved to be gentle and kind to all people. And I loved being a carer.
I grew warm and my heart became light.
I envisioned a world where I was a Healer and a Fixer. Patching up broken people with Love and Kindness and Hope and Peace.
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The word Massage has a jaded history. Other than Youtube I had only ever seen it on Disney channel shows where the characters are comically hurt by hot stone therapy. And on the news you only heard about the scandals that drenched the industry in shade.
I grew up in St. Louis, MO and while people are more progressive with each generation, Massage and Eastern Medicine is still trying to build public appeal. To sway opinion that it's not just luxury spa and pamper, but a medical and healing art form.
Living in this environment, even just 10 years ago, I kept my interests closed off and quiet.
I didn't ever really think I could ever go in to the industry and I held those therapists I subscribed to on Youtube on such a pedestal that I never compared myself to them, giving them more of a celebrity status.
Instead I focused on History. Because I was going to be a History Teacher. Or really a teacher in general. I come from a 6 generation line of teachers on my mom's side, I would have been the 7th. I figured that since I love history and that I have a good genetic probability of succeeding, then that's what I should do.
And whilst I was preparing myself for a life of lectures and grading homework, I continued watching videos and practicing moves in the background.
Then the universe stepped in and changed my life forever.
September 1, 2016 I was t-boned on the driver's side of the car. I was taking classes at the local community college on an A+ scholarship and was heading to the local plaza to get food. Suddenly my cars 100 ft down the road, perpendicular to traffic. There's smoke everywhere and this horrible smell. My ears were ringing and I hurt top to bottom. There was an airbag in my face and blood running from my lip. My vision slowly faded to black, but I did not lose consciousness.
We learned later from the experts that looked at my car, that the other guy hit me so hard that my seat detached from the floor of the car ending with the back of my head hitting the windshield. And before you ask, yes I was wearing my seat belt.
I was fully blind the first 8 hours after the wreck. I was worried that I'd be sightless the rest of my life. Eventually though, I regained vision in both eyes, but only color in my right, my left is as you are looking through a sepia filter.
It took me two month's to walk again without aid from a walker, cane, crutch, or brace. Though I still have a brace I use if my knee's acting up.
I ended up having to drop out of school. Or rather.......I flunked out of school. The day after the wreck I was sitting my classes and I continued to stubbornly show up. Let me just say that you do not want to see my report card.
I finished out that year with the only passing grades on my transcript being Band.
The next year I took a gap. Until October. I was sitting in the living room filling out job applications when suddenly I got a text from an unknown number saying: "Are you interested in a career in Massage Therapy?" I replied that I was interested and less than a month later I was working as a receptionist for a Massage Envy location and I had a spot in a school starting in January.
Thanks Universe!!
Since then I have graduated from my program with an "A", passed the MBLEX, and have now been working as a LMT for almost 6 months and it has been amazing!! I have lots of amazing coworkers and I love the clinic environment and I have never felt like have belonged somewhere more than I do now.
And that, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals, is how I, Amanda Shipley, ended up becoming a Massage Therapist.
Peace and Love
Amanda
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I’m really fucking scared. I think I might be transgender and I really wish I weren’t. I have support from family about it, that’s not the issue. I thought I was trans as far back as three years ago, hell I’d even socially transitioned. Back then I thought I was one of those fucking trender nonbinary genders like genderdox or demifluid and as time went on I shifted more and more towards ftm. At the start of the year I cane out to everyone as a trans man and they were fake nice about it, like they didn’t want to hurt my feelings but you could tell they didn’t believe me. Admittedly, I had a fucked up childhood so can you really blame them? But anytime I’d hear my parents call me their son it felt wrong. Being ID’d as a man felt nice for a long time until eventually it didn’t. I went by Will up until about July when I had a fucking epiphany late at night that told me I wasn’t trans at all. So I stopped presenting masculine and socially detransitioned. I was ok for a while but then little by little my dysphoria came crawling back.
I spent my summer and fall working at a secluded resort and I’d had my binder shipped to me, for “Halloween costume purposes”. I didn’t want to admit to anyone, especially myself, that I was feeling dysphoria again, especially when I didn’t totally hate what I saw in the mirror when I dressed femininely. Where is the line between liking the pretty girl in the mirror because you like yourself or because you see a pretty girl and you like pretty girls? Please tell me I’m genuinely asking. I started spending as much time as I could binding again, which when you have a roommate is an unfortunately small amount. Whenever I’d have a moment to myself I’d lay around in only a binder and some jeans, and anytime I’d go out to eat with friends I’d either be binding or layering up to cover my chest, or I’d be turning the girliness up to eleven.
Coming back from the resort I think I tried to pretend I hadn’t felt any dysphoria at all, that I was still happy being seen as a girl. And it worked, sort of. I still felt uncomfortable being called daughter but I didn’t hate my birth name as much as before I left, at least until two weeks ago. I’d been writing a piece for a fanfic I’d been working on, and that part happened to involve a magician sneaking a potion in a trans dude’s drink so that when he woke up he was in the correct body, and writing has always been a way for me to analyze what’s going on in my head so of course I wrote it from the perspective of the trans guy and by the time I was done I was fucking shaking in my bed, taken aback by just how easily it was to write this but also by the mountain of dysphoria that landed on me. So now I’m scared and confused and I just wish this shit would fucking leave me alone for once in my goddamn life is that so much to fucking ask?
I’m openly admitting my dysphoria. I hate my chest, if I close my eyes long enough I can forget it’s there and then any reminder I get to it’s presence makes my fucking skin crawl. I used to wish I could get a double mastectomy on the basis of cancer prevention and was actually fucking dissapointed when I learned the only breast cancer to run in my family was benign. I fucking hate my uterus. I wish I had a penis and balls instead. The idea of having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable and I literally cannot successfully fantasize about anything unless it involves my having a penis. My having a uterus makes me so incredibly uncomfortable that I would literally rather die of ovarian cancer than have a physical done down there. Other people knowing I have a uterus is one of my biggest fears, enough so that I use toilet paper instead of pads so I don’t have to feel the misery that is checking out a a grocery store with them in my cart. Speaking of periods, can we all just agree that they’re worse than death itself. Period cramps are bad enough on their own but when you know you’re bleeding and you shouldn’t be because you shouldn’t have that organ in the first place it makes me more fucking suicidal than I already am. Being called she and her and daughter feels like a leprechaun is gently punching me in the fucking stomach. I hate how fucking short I am. I almost always dream myself with a male body. I remember a few years back the thoughts “I would make a great boyfriend. But I’m a girl” and “I just want to be seen as one of the guys. But I’m a girl” crossing my mind on an almost weekly basis. I also remember dancing around the eating disorder community, because I thought if I could starve all the fat off my body I’d be able to start fresh and present how I actually wanted to. Literally all evidence points to me being ftm.
And yet I cannot overlook the past year of living as a man and just how uncomfortable it made me. I remember watching Beauty and the Beast and having a fucking meltdown because growing up I aligned myself so much with belle and knew that if I transitioned I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore, and I had to fucking remind myself that im not supposed to like the idea of wearing dresses or girly clothing anymore. Being called a girl felt like a gut punch but so did being called a guy.
And yet the thing is, even though I did have to remind myself that I didn’t like those things anymore, it was really fucking easy to remind myself of that. I still get flashes of wanting to wear a cute dress or some nice makeup but as soon as I actually try it out it feels wrong and I stop before I make myself any more uncomfortable. So yes in theory I still like dresses and makeup but in practice it makes me actually want to die.
I’ve been dancing around the term non-binary for a little bit and I honestly think I hate that option even more than the other two. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with identifying as nonbinary. Not even a little bit. But I can’t possibly see how I myself would be nonbinary when I’ve got the same crippling dysphoria associated with being trans ftm. Like honestly, I’ve looked this shit up. Going to fucking webmd I’ve checked off literally every sign of being ftm, except for like two regarding certainty in youth being male aligned which honestly when I’ve had the term tomboy shoved down my throat and been raised into blindly believing what my parents told me to do or say or be, is it that unreasonable to not think I could even be a boy when I had a masculine girl option at the fucking ready?
My entire life being a girl was the only option I’d ever been allowed to have, not because I was told outright not to be trans but because being trans was seen as a joke to my family, a bit for a movie or something those other people did, something to get a quick laugh out of an audience and then to be put back on the back burner, never to be thought about again, which, considering my aunts best friend is literally ftm trans is the biggest load of horse shit I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Yet even once I knew about the trans community and that people who were that were still just normal people everything in my upbringing told me that it wasn’t something that was ok for me to be.
Through typing this I’m quickly discovering that I’ve got a whole lotta internalized transphobia that I’m dealing with. I honest to god didn’t even know it was there until just now. My stepsister is mtf and my closest rinkmate is ftx and I’ve fought tooth and nail for their families to accept them, so I didn’t even realize it was an option for me to be so transphobic towards myself. Im realizing I’m afraid that I’m trans because being trans is still something that’s wrong in my head, even if it’s not wrong in my head for other people. I hate this. Why couldn’t I just be cis. Wot couldn’t I have just had that epiphany back in July and that been it? Just detransistioned and left this mess in the past, like the phase it was supposed to be. I’d rather be dead than deal with this, someone please kill me so it’s not my own fault I’m dead. I hate my parents for twisting my own mind against myself but I don’t want my other family to think they should have done more to help. I wish I could just be myself completely without all this stress but apparently that’s not an option so here we are. I’m afraid to tell anyone else I think I’m trans because if I’m wrong again I don’t want people to think I’m just doing it for attention but keeping it to myself is tearing my to shreds and I don’t know what to fucking do anymore I just want it all to fucking end please god someone just make it fucking stop I can’t take it anymore I’m tired of being strong I need a break someone help me please help I need help help me I’m suffocating fuck help me please help
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