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#and just a note this isnt even about comparing where we are in life its missing a person thats been out of
rise-my-angel · 1 year
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Matching Insecurity
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Pairing: Marcus Moreno x Female Reader
Length: 7.8k words
Warnings: angst, angst with a happy ending, fluff, mild smut, implied smut, teasing, masterbation
Notes: Takes place after the movie but isnt integral to the plot of this story
Was it really worth it? Having the wool pulled out from over your eyes worth the coziness of the job? You were surprised honestly to get the call that you had been hired, even thought it was just a low level position it was still in the cities most secure building with the largest of names attached to it. You had applied to a nondescript secretary job, only to show up for your first day to find out it was part secretary work, and part personal assistant work to one specific boss. 
The illusion though? Was gone totally the more weeks that passed. The media and online view of the Heroics was one of grandiose importance, larger than life people with attitudes superior to the citizens they protect, only to realize that most times, it was basically just a fancy office. At least where you worked. Your boss, the biggest name of them all mostly worked out of a cozy office and if you didn’t know any better, you’d never have guessed he was famous. 
Finding out you would work almost exclusively for Marcus Moreno on your first day almost sent you into a panic attack just out of shock. 
You later were informed that extensive checks on you were done to ensure you were a good fit and that’s why little description was given, so they could learn about you without your personal bias. But you were quiet, polite, and way too hard of a worker for what you were being paid, and so they placed you with the head of the Heroics. 
Marcus was, so strangely normal. So far you never saw him in anything that wasn’t casually business, and the weapons on his office wall looked more like expensive decoration than an integral part of his power. Always busy with mountains of work, phone calls that had him sharing exasperated looks whenever you walked in on one of them, and late nights where he pestered you to go home already. Saying you didn’t need to stay and work longer, on the days he did. 
He mostly stayed late the days his daughter Missy came in after school for junior training. She was always amusing. She’d plop her arms dramatically onto your desk in exhaustion only to lift up with her palm up against her cheek and ask you things. What did you like to eat, do you live alone, what did you like to do outside of work as she compared them to what she and her dad’s answers would be. 
“You’re lucky you can bake, my dad and I always try but we always end up just wishing we had someone else there to help us.” There was a twinkly in her eye that said more than what she was letting on, but you chalked it up to her being surrounded constantly by Heroics or ones in training that talking to another normal person probably was a nice break for her. 
Marcus finally came out of his office, leather jacket in his hand as he and Missy shared a hug. “Everything go well this time?” His voice was so comfortingly deep you caught yourself thinking. 
Missy nodded, “Sort of, at least I got her to agree to give me her water when she gets too upset finally.” Marcus chuckled and smoothed out the top of her hair in a soothing manner. “I’m just glad its leftovers night, I’m way too tired to do anything.” 
Marcus leaned down to press a kiss to the top of her head, “You say that as if it’ll get you out of doing the dishes.” He shared a playful grin at her mock glare. She turned to you and waved her arm out to point at him.
“You see what I have to put up with?” Marcus flicked her hair, causing her to nudge his hand away from her in jest as she pretended she wasn’t going to laugh. 
You raised your eyebrows and leaned on your arms resting on top of the desk and squinted slightly, whispering as if in secret. “Bring him a coffee with a little more sugar then he normally takes, the extra sweetness calms him right down.” 
While you and Missy shared a little laugh, Marcus’s eyes flickered to look at you a little closer. He hadn’t realized you did that, but the pieces started to get put together. On his bad days, or just frustrated moments you tended to bring him something sweeter then normal, or innocently suggest you take up a task that normally would add an extra hour onto his workload. Little things he never once actually asked of you. All it did, was add more fuel to the ever growing emotions he was having more and more trouble keeping at bay.
He couldn’t help but watch you whispering with his daughter, and have his mind flash back to the comments she always ended up making on the drive home, how much she weirdly pushed him on certain things. He had to pull himself out of it as Missy called for him. “Are we ready to go?” 
He shook the thoughts away one more. You were just good at your job, and generous just out of who you were as a person. It had nothing to do with him, and he already knew he’d have to distract Missy in the car from trying to bring it up again. He’d ultimately think about it again later tonight, but in a far more inappropriate way that he was starting to feel more and more guilty about the better it felt when you were at the forefront of his mind
Marcus nodded, grabbing her bag to carry himself, and leaned in to you pointing at the jacket hanging on the hook in the corner. “That goes for you too, it’s Friday you shouldn’t be wasting your evening when you’ve been here all day.” 
Giving in, you nodded and stood up, stretching your arms up a bit to shake out the stiffness not noticing any eyes on you. “I’m not a big Friday night’s plan with other people kind of girl-” you hesitated just slightly when Marcus’s eyes narrowed at you. To you, you saw what looked like disappointment in a lack of social life, not realizing it was anything drawn from his heart. “Fine, I’ll do..something. I promise, sir.” 
Marcus stood unmoving for a moment you didn’t quite get. You wondered if the look he was giving you was just analyzing what a boring assistant he was realizing you were. Getting your stuff ready to leave, you hadn’t noticed Marcus and Missy quietly talking still at your desk until you turned around with your bag. Raising your eyebrows, Marcus waves his hand for you to follow. 
Oh. They waited for you to join them as they left? You spent the elevator ride trying not to listen to their conversation, but the deep bass of his voice seemed to echo in the tiny space. Marcus again made the same wave when you tried to stand back so they could leave first, instead forcing you out in step with them. 
Your brain focused on the click of your shoes against the lobby floor as you all stepped outside. The chilly air felt both stinging and refreshing on your face. The later seasons always blew in a crisp kind of air that felt somehow fresher than the heavy summertime, your less then thick coat however disagreed with your assessment of the temperature. The conversation next to you catching your attention enough to stay before you decided to try and slip away quietly. 
“He kept talking about something something self promotion? I mean I’ve never even been on those sites, where would I even start?” Missy was standing, arms flinging out in exasperation as Marcus leaned down to actually zip her coat up with a flat expression to Missy’s bemused one. Always complaining about getting cold too easily but too lazy to do anything about it, it clearly was a common occurrence but drove Marcus’s protective instinct nuts. 
Staying bent down to her level, he sighed, looking at the floor before giving her an earnest look. “I don’t like it. Call me old fashioned dad I know,” Marcus placed a comforting hand on her upper arm. “but that kind of attention at your age is too much for you to handle alone. You’ll have too many eyes always ready to judge you.” 
Missy scrunched her face as she thought it over, before her body sagged in a shrug, “I don’t even know how he posts that often, how much could Miracle Guy of all people have that much to say?” 
Your breathy laugh caught their attention, Marcus standing back up straight as he looked at you while Missy turned. “You want to know his secret?” Missy furrowed her brows with a tilt of her head in curiosity. “He just gets people like me to post for him, he knows he’s not that creative.” 
While Missy laughed at how typical that was for him, Marcus’s look was far more uncertain. That scrutinizing look once more, “He hired you to post for him?” 
His train of thought wasn’t anywhere near yours. You shrugged, half not looking at him. “No he just kind of dumped his passwords on me and just requested to make him look good. It’s fun, he’s not exactly hard to figure out.” 
You really didn’t see the issue with it, it hadn’t crossed your mind. Technically he was also your superior just giving you another task. Realizing you should have brought gloves, you shove your hands into your pockets and take a few steps downwards, away from the direction of the auto shuttle leading to the secure parking lot. Marcus called your name just before you got away. “You aren’t going this way?” 
You felt a little sheepish as he nodded his head in a backwards motion. Your hands clenched and unclenched in a sudden insecurity. “Uh, no..just thought I’d stretch my legs today.” 
Marcus almost took a step towards you but seemed to restrain himself. “It’s late though, we can take you home no problem.” 
In your chest you felt another pang of insecurity, but brushed it off casually with a smile and shake of your head. “No please, don’t go out of your way it’s fine.” Your legs were asking you to just leave but Marcus’s almost concerned expression pinned you where you were almost by force. If you were thinking clearer, you might have remembered the metal buckles on your shoes that suddenly felt heavier than normal.
“It’s late and it’s freezing, really neither of us mind the detour.” 
This time Missy was the one who interjected. “Do you normally walk home?” Oh god her expression matched her fathers perfectly. The last thing you needed was the Moreno duo trying to break your defences down and going out of their way to help you. 
You stammered a bit, caught off guard as to why they seemed to care. “Just sometimes..most of the time..” By most of the time you meant every day, but you didn’t feel as if that's the answer they wanted to hear. Marcus’s face grew more tense with every word and you weren’t sure you wanted to hear what he was thinking. “I should go, I uh, I’ll see you...have a good weekend.” 
You didn’t turn back as you walked away. Taking the long path to the smaller security gate on the complete opposite side of the lawn than your path home was. If you looked just to the side you could see the shuttle to the parking lot pass, and you instantly bent your head down to stare at the sidewalk below you. 
It was embarrassing. That Marcus Moreno, leader of the Heroics with his nice tech filled car and his surprisingly humble sized but still gorgeous house finding out his assistant doesn’t even have a car. At least not driving you home meant you spared yourself the further humiliation of him seeing the run down apartment building you lived in. The outside usually with a few loud, drunk or high smokers making a racket, and the chipped paint and lack of any effort look of the buildings outside. 
You didn’t hate it, not even the muffled yelling usually heard through the narrow halls. Tinged in an ugly yellow and orange from the light bulbs partially exposed from their lamp encasement. The building wasn’t nice and you didn’t feel inclined to get to know anyone else living here, but stepping into your own apartment at least relaxed you. It felt lived in and cozy, took a lot of effort to get it like that but the rent was as cheap as you could find and afford so moving wasn’t on your list. 
Turns out you lied. To be fair, you did pace around mindlessly to come up with anything fun to do. Even scrolling through yelp to see if anything struck your fancy, but going to a restaurant alone felt embarrassing. You didn’t really drink so a bar wasn’t much of an option either. Being new in this city and putting so much into proving your worth as an assistant really left you terrible at making friends. 
It wasn’t until your walk to work on Monday morning that you tried to come up with a convincing fake story so your boss didn’t think you were a complete piece of cardboard. It also struck you why you even cared. He wasn’t just your boss, he was a national hero essentially, helping to run the biggest organization of powered people in the world, what in the world would entice him about you? Deep down you knew why, but admitting what that feeling deep in your heart was would be more difficult than you wanted to deal with.
All morning you had prepared this creative story of a fun, impressive outing with your friends, but by the time you reached your floor, it all became pointless. Instead, you just quietly got settled at your desk without even popping your head into his office to say good morning like usual. Only talking to Marcus when he came to you with work things and just gave short polite answers to anything else. May as well stop daydreaming. 
It wasn’t until you finally went through your personal mail stack when you found a contract along with a paycheck. Marcus’s eyes were bright and endearing behind those glasses that framed his face so nicely when you knocked. 
Walking in somewhat timidly you put the contract facing him on the desk. “I just saw this now, but uh, I’m not sure exactly what it’s for.” Your hands clasped together in front of you as you tried to discreetly twist your fingers around in anxiety. 
Marcus only took one glance at it, before he let out a breathe of a laugh and a smile. “It’s an amendment to your existing contract.” You only furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. “I- we added a clause that if you are to have an active role in controlling Miracle Guy’s social media than you should be getting paid extra for it.” 
He held the paper up in the air and tapped at the check paper clipped to it with his fingers. “This is the back payment for what you’ve already done.” He tried to look you in the eye as you approached to take it back, but you were actively avoiding it. So he murmured your name to force you to look at him, “You deserve to get paid for your work, okay? You’re great and you should be rewarded for it.” 
His gaze was penetrating. Something deep swirling behind it that once again felt as if he was putting a puzzle together. Grasping it gently you avoided your hand getting close to his, your sudden realization and subsequent insecurity of being seen as nothing more than an employee was influencing you to be as distant as possible. “Thank you.” 
Marcus tugged it back ever so slightly as he looked at you again, only to let it go just as quick. You only got to the door before he called your name once again. “Your weekend. Did you have a good time?” 
No use in lying he was just being polite. So you shrugged one shoulder as your hand gripped the open door, “Not much going on in my circles.” You couldn’t look at him right now, you felt too much like you were six again. A quiet little girl with a crush on your teacher only this time if you get caught, you won’t get a quiet kind conversation about adults and children aren’t compatible that way, you’re just going to find yourself out of a job. 
You hadn’t sat down for more than 30 seconds before Marcus barrels out his office, flickering his hand to pull the door closed as he was preoccupied putting his jacket on. He leaned onto the front of your desk and it struck you how he had a soft look about him. “I’ll be out for a while, so uhm, please take a long lunch for yourself, no need to worry yourself until I get back, okay?” 
You nodded gently, “Will do, sir.” 
Marcus’s eyes narrowed at the formality, but he tapped at your desk before pushing off and heading directly for the elevator, only catching a glimpse of him suddenly pulling his phone out urgently before the doors shut. 
You were terrible at this, by the time Marcus got back you were so engrossed in a report that your food sat in it’s container, untouched and not even warmed up yet. He approached much more calm than he left, so you didn’t catch his soft footsteps until his large frame shadowed your desk. “You’re back, is everything okay?” 
Marcus looked at you before looking at the container. Letting out a loud sigh and his head tilted to the side in an unreadable irritation. He opened and shut his mouth a few times before relenting. He simply reached over and shut off your monitor. 
You spun in your chair and raised your arms in question, but he only gestured to your food. He didn’t even have to say it, you just let out a deep breathe and grabbed it. Walking past his warm frame, he laid a gently hand on your waist before pulling away as soon as you turned. “Please just sit down and enjoy yourself, stop trying to do everything in one day.” 
Maybe if this wasn’t the day you were plagued with sudden insecurity, you wouldn’t have completely misread his tone. You lowered your gaze and nodded before walking away. Worried thoughts swimming through your head that maybe you were doing too much, and that you weren’t performing up to standards because of it and this was his polite frustration in your work quality. 
Marcus on the other hand has never seen you so downtrodden. Your normally quiet disposition now bordered on shy or uncomfortable. Biting the inside of his cheek, he once again reminded himself of the plan. It might be too abrasive if he did it, he just had to reel in this growing impatience and let Missy play the part she seemed suspiciously eager to do. 
Truth be told, he was out of his depth on this one. He had been on his own for quite a few years now and in that time he had very little interest in anything or anyone besides raising his daughter. When he was told he’d they had hired someone to be his personal assistant and secretary he didn’t expect anything. 
It wasn’t until you walked into the meeting room and Marcus felt that tightening in his stomach that felt foreign at that point. You were so easy to be smitten with, you were quiet, always happy to help or support anyone, you were so incredibly pretty with eyes he would fall into every time you spoke to him. 
He was conflicted though, for more than one reason. First he was your boss and the last thing he wanted was for you to feel taken advantage of, but also his own guilt. Realizing he was starting to emotionally move on from that stage of grief, that he was finally having those feelings again felt strange. Especially when he thought of Missy. 
The one thing that dating again always scared him was the idea that Missy would think he’s trying to replace her mother, or forget about her. She was much younger when they both lost her, and Missy has mostly grown up solely with Marcus. Would introducing someone else interrupt that harmony? The weirdest part really was how much she pushed as soon as she got out of him one day to admit he liked you. 
Thankfully, she had more tact than him in being direct. Coming in after school, Missy came right up to your floor and loudly dropped her bag right beside your desk. Head shooting up, you had a real smile finally at the sight of her arms crossed on the wood with her head fitted neatly into the middle of them. “Is there something I can do for you, miss?” 
You were returned a mischievous grin, pushing up a bit on her palms and tilting her head with wide eyes in a very Marcus manner. “So I’ve heard that restaurant you like is doing pretty well..” 
Raising your eyebrows you put your elbows on the desk, hands tucked under your chin as your eyes narrowed playfully. “Oh? And which one would that be exactly?” You could see the temporary panic as the gears in her head turned. For a brief moment she looked behind you for a second, to quick to turn your own head before she found her answer. 
“That ugly one shoved between the old bookstore and some empty building that somehow always smells like fresh bread.” The cheeky grin was enough to almost make you laugh. You circled in your chair as she came around to the side to see you better. 
“And what per say Missy, are you suggesting I do about it?” 
Her answer was immediate and confident. “You come to dinner with us.” That wasn’t what you expected honestly. As you were taken back, Marcus appeared by you two as he and Missy greeted each other before he turned to you with a soft look. 
“We’d love to have you join us.” Seeing your hesitant look he clarified. “Only if you’re comfortable, but we just thought it’d be nice to take you out, outside of work.” 
Missy leaned into her fathers side in a nudge, “He might feel that way, but I’m certainly not taking no for an answer.” Marcus scolded her quietly with a rush of her name as she stood with no shame. His head leaned down to her suddenly look up at you, and those wide eyes suckered your dumb self back in. 
You inhaled a noticeable breathe, “Only if you guys are sure, you know for me to join-” 
Marcus interrupted before a continued train of thought could doubt you more. “I- we’re absolutely sure.” 
Missy didn’t skip a beat. “Great, we can all go together when my lesson wraps up?” 
Oh absolutely not, you needed time to shake off this gloom over your head that followed you all day. You shook your head with a tight lipped smile. “I uhm, I have a few things at home I have to do first, I can just meet you there it’s not far.” Marcus was about to object but you insisted. “Really, I know when she about wraps up, I’ll just meet you two.” 
Curious doubt was plastered on both Moreno’s faces, but Missy did have to leave and Marcus didn’t want to linger in case you started to feel pressured to go. You left early, but not before a gentle reminder from Marcus of the time, and once again asking if you were sure he couldn’t pick you up. 
Denied again. The reminder of the run down cheapness of your apartment still lingered your feelings of inadequacy. 
It had taken about five shirts tossed carelessly onto your bed before landing on the one you hated the least out of the bunch. It almost felt stupid to try and do yourself up, what point would spending extra time making your hair look pretty, or fussing with what makeup didn’t make you just look like you were trying too hard. A change of clothes you suppose was all that was worth it. 
The walk was cold, the evenings dropping to almost freezing temperatures as soon as it gets dark. Your cheeks stung from the cold and no doubt your eyes looked a little red from walking in the winds path. You were the first to get there, not really a surprise, you had a tendency to get anywhere early. It was though, a thought of if you should wait inside or out. Worrying if you waited inside you’d look impatient or uncaring, you leaned partially against the prick wall, hands shoved into your pockets firmly as your body fidgeted on its own accord trying to keep from getting too cold. 
You heard them before you saw them, a laughing back and forth as they turned a corner. Missy tucked purposely into Marcus’s side no doubt shielding her from the wind. As soon as you were spotted, a concerned look splashed over his features and he rushed in front of you. “Jesus, it’s freezing you didn’t need to wait out here for us like this.” 
You tried laughing it off but his concern remained. “I’m okay, I barley noticed it.” 
In a move you didn’t expect, Marcus almost without thinking reached to gently cup your cheek, his thumb running over the obviously cold skin. “Your body says otherwise.” Oh boy, did he even realize what this combination felt like? Those words coming out of his deep voice mixed with a gentle touch? You felt almost overwhelmed, his large hand was so comfortingly warm on your face, his finger tips rough from so many years leading his team in the field. Your mouth opened slightly with a tiny intake of a gasp, too engrossed in a touch you had never really gotten to give him an answer. 
When you didn’t immediately respond, Marcus pulled his hand away, but did only drop it to your side and slid to your lower back to start moving you to go inside where it’s warm. As you talked briefly to the hostess, you missed Missy and Marcus sharing a look that spoke a language all on it’s own. 
Dinner, was surprisingly normal. There wasn’t any stiff formality or undertones of being at work or with your boss. No it just felt like having dinner with two people you’ve known for a while. There was a strategy at play here, Missy talked and prompted things to smooth out any awkwardness, but always handed the reigns over to her dad and let the two of you get engrossed in whatever you were talking about. 
It was really nice, the anxiety and insecurity fading more and more with every laugh or smile you shared with him, and for a while you got to forget the things that plagued you all day. You both made fun of how big the portions were, than laughed together in success when Missy finally gave in and admitted she needed a take out box for the rest of it after stuffing herself past full. 
Taking off unceremoniously to the washroom, the quiet between you and Marcus matched with the coziness of the booth and dim lighting above felt much more intimate than anything you shared with him at work. He rubbed his hands together for a moment, taking a peek around to see if anyone was watching before turning back to you with a gentle murmur of your name. 
“Listen I, Missy shouldn’t have been the one to ask you here. I wanted to ask you myself, but..I’m just, not used to this anymore.” Your face went from a gentle confusion quickly to a look of pain. Seeing him in such a domestic setting, you realized it was so easy to forget that a giant part of their hearts were missing. 
“Really, it was very sweet of you-both of you. I’m still new so I don’t have many in the friend department, but you’re my boss I didn’t think I should be bothering you with that. You were just asking to be polite, you didn’t have to do any of this.” Your voice was quiet, a bit timid but with an underlining confidence that you knew telling him the truth was the best. 
Marcus put an arm flat across the table almost about to gently grasp your wrist, “Wait that’s not-” 
In a small rushed out sentence you threw your hands out almost defensively, “No it’s fine really, I get it. If I burn myself out, I’m not doing you much good am I?” 
Marcus was quiet. His brown eyes looking deep into yours as he stewed in his thoughts. Your hands had fallen back down, fingers fidgeting against each other much like you did when you were nervous in his office. His gaze finally made a slow path down from your eyes. Not a linger that felt creepy, his eyes barley even focused on anything but staring down at your nervous hands. 
“Marcus, sir, I- I apologize I didn’t mean make things uncomfortable.” 
Marcus’s breath hitched noticeably at being called sir, but for reasons you wouldn’t discover tonight at least. He watched your hands as he slowly murmured to you in a soft, delicate tone. “You always do that.” His hands slid forward a tad on the table, “You finally open up, and I get to see you just as you are until you remind yourself of your job, and you clam right back up like the first day we met.” 
Finally his slow moving hands reached their destination. His fingers hovering so lightly over yours you could almost feel his touch yet not at all. “I didn’t want to ask you out for anything other than wanting to spend time with you.” 
When you didn’t pull away he finally inched the final stretch and let his fingers trace over the skin of your wrist and hand. He was so warm it almost felt like he left a burn of his touch whenever his hand moved to another spot. His sudden raise of his head caught your attention. “I’m sorry about today. I just started overthinking things, and I guess I was...” 
Your eyes trailed away with your voice, you hadn’t noticed your pinky reaching out and like the weight of a feather, traced over Marcus’s own hand. All you could feel was the harshness in your throat at opening up. “I was doubting myself, maybe I was reading into things but we just-” 
“Get along perfectly.” Your eyes met again, yours bordering on a bit of the sting that was typically followed by a feeling of choked up. Marcus’s was more warm this time. Unable to hide your gasp when he finally grasped your hand, just at your fingers as his thumb ran over them. “I haven’t felt anything for someone like this since her mom, I was worried today when you were so distant that I was overstepping. It’s easy to forget you work for me when I just look forward to seeing you everyday.” 
You whispered his name, and it was almost obvious your heart was racing more. “I know it’s complicated, and you don’t talk to anyone else there the way you did me, and I didn’t know if I just fooled myself into seeing something that wasn’t there.” 
“I like you.” His hand gripped yours tighter, unwilling to let go of your softness in that moment as he laid his heart out for you. “You can tell me no or to piss off if you want, but I do like you. A lot. The last thing I want is to scare you off, but if you ever decide your comfortable with it, I want to take you out. Properly like you deserve.” 
Your heart filled up, it was such an odd feeling. This strange new life, and job and a whirlwind of emotions towards Marcus that realizing that this small intimate bubble you two worked in wasn’t just a childish fantasy you made up. You almost jumped when moving to cross your thumb with his only to be interrupted by someone knocking into your table as they passed by without so much as a sorry. 
Your jump knocked yourself out of his hands, but Marcus stayed regardless. His head turning to watch Missy’s incredulous face at the people who had walked by only to realize what she may have walked in on. About to make an excuse to give you more time alone, Marcus beckoned her over with a fake annoyed tone. Yanking her into his side he pressed a kiss to the top of her head, mumbling something in Spanish that you couldn’t quite make out as she responded with a look you could only describe as proud of herself. 
It made you laugh honestly. The tense overload of emotion simmered down back to a domesticity that seemed to very naturally fit all three of you. Finally relenting it was time to leave, Marcus had paid before you got the chance to even get your card out. 
You turned and looked at him with a wide eyed amused look, and he was close enough to feel his breath on your face as he smiled back as he spoke. “You’re not paying even if you’re the one who asks me out next, okay? I was supposed to be treating you.” 
A lightness in your chest filled you up, as you found the courage to smirk back. “If we’re playing by those rules, technically it was Missy who asked me out.” Your voice had lowered to a mocking whispered taunt and if his bemused eyebrow raise was anything to go on, you might be starting to accept he does at the very least enjoy you for you. 
Missy on the other hand had her hands on her hips with a little pout, “I played matchmaker, if anything you should be paying me for my services.” Missing the incredulous look on Marcus’ face you knelt down to her eye level. 
“Instead how about I pay you a free fresh baked dessert of your choice? I know you’re a sucker for soft cookies.” You and Missy both focused on each other, you definitely missed Marcus’s eyes flowing down to your ass before blinking whatever thoughts arose out of his expression and moving to stand beside both of you. 
Her eyes narrowed as she contemplated the bargain. “Only if I get to eat some of the batter before you use it all.” 
Marcus taking advantage of the offer as a hopeful plea of being able to spend more time with you. “La cocina de Morales is fully stocked and open all weekdays and weekends.” Your head looked up to him, before standing to your full height to better see his gentle eyes towards you. “You’re welcome over any day of the week.” 
His tone less joking and sounding much more like an offer had warmth flowing from your heart out into your veins. You intended to answer jokingly, but what came out first was far from it. “You really don’t have to do that, I don’t want to intrude.” 
Marcus took a small step forward, “Never.” 
Both of you noticing more of a crowd starting to enter the lobby, you three quickly made your way back onto the cold streets. Without realizing it, you had begun to walk with them to the parking lot as if you were unwilling to let go of this little world you had finally felt with him. 
It wasn’t until you were standing beside his car, as Missy opened the door to slide inside keeping the door open, asking Marcus if she could turn on the heat. Saying yes, he turned back to you as you looked up to him nervously before starting to fidget in place. “I guess uh, I’ll see you tomorrow?” 
Your face was wide eyed and hesitant, not at all matching the introspective gears turning inside Marcus’s head. “Let me at least drive you home.” His hand finding a home on your upper arm as he leaned closer, your name slipping from his mouth. “Please, it’s freezing out. I’d feel better knowing you can get home safe.” 
“Marcus, I uhm...it’s not that I don’t- I mean I’m just not sure you-” 
Cut off by his hand, somehow still warm despite the cold air, finding a place on your cheek. “You know I don’t look down on you for where you live right? It’s not at all what I would call a safe area but that doesn’t change how I see you.” 
By your confused look, Marcus’s face turned sheepish. “Your address is in your file, I may have taken a look at the place a few weeks ago.” His hand slid from you cheek down to the side of your neck with only his thumb high enough to stroke the skin of your jaw under it. “I overheard you saying once that your neighbors made you uncomfortable but it was the only thing you could afford. I just wanted to know if you were okay or not.” 
Missy at this point had poked her head out of the open door, “You could always come home with us and take advantage of the fireplace?” 
Marcus turned his head saying her name in a warning. Grimacing she relented and got back into the car.  You nodded when he looked back at you with an apology on his lips. “Okay, driving me home doesn’t sound too bad.” 
A relieved smile graced his face, lighting up every handsome feature in an instant. “Good, great. Come on, Missy’s probably cranked the heat enough it’ll be a sauna at his point.” His hand fell to your waist as he turned you and opened the door for you. 
Sure enough it was comically warm in the car. Marcus on the drive commenting how he didn’t understand how Missy could stand having the seat warmers on max for so long. It was a nice drive, but you knew you were being quiet. Not only did he know where you live, but that it wasn’t what you would call a decent area. You felt your stomach whirl at the prospect of being embarrassed once more by your differences, and wanting to feel giddy that he checked it out of worrying for your well being. 
Luckily when you drove up, the outside was mostly empty spare a lone smoker desperately trying to get his lighter to cooperate. Missy turning partially to look at you with a smile, but this time less mischievous and much more small and shy. “I’m really happy you had fun with us tonight.” 
Smiling at her you undid your seat belt and stroked the hair at the top of her head for just a second. “Me too. I’ll see you soon, okay?” 
You weren’t sure of you meant just the days she comes up to her father’s office or if the invite to their house was genuine. Part of you still felt that insecurity of taking a place in their lives that you had no right too. 
“Let me walk you over.” Marcus getting out as you walked side by side, arms brushing against the other. Your head down slightly shaking away the conflict rising inside, as Marcus eyed the rough state of the building with a harder scrutinizing look. He didn’t feel good leaving you in an unsafe area and a less than reliable apartment complex, but he knew his protective feelings towards you needed to be eased in slowly. He didn’t quite think it would scare you off completely, but he also didn’t want to come across  as possessive about where you lived. 
Getting to the front door, you turned to thank him for the evening only to discover he was much closer to you than before. “I had a good time Marcus, really.” 
A more gentle smile graced his features, his palm one again filling your cheek with a thrilling warmth. “Listen, I know me being your boss could complicate somethings, but I need you to still know that I’m not trying to take advantage of you. This isn’t about what you do, it’s just...I’m not used to having feelings for someone again, but I don’t want to go back to pretending they don’t exist for you.” 
Your own hand raised to cover part of his wrist and your hand. “If you want to stop, or take things slow I completely understand. The last thing I want is for you to feel like I’m trying to replace-” 
He stepped in even closer, his lips so close to brushing against yours as he spoke. “You’re not. I promise you, sweetheart. You’re not.” 
Watching his eyes flicker down to your lips, you held your breathe. The need in your heart feeling overwhelming yet unreal. Marcus though, didn’t quite have the same resistance. 
At first his lips just barley brushed over yours, testing how okay you were with him, but as soon as he felt you start to lightly kiss him back it was as if a spark was lit inside of him. His grasp on your cheek held firmer as his other hand grasped at your waist pulling you in slightly. 
His kiss was greedy but his mouth was unbearably soft and addictive. By instinct your hands gravitated to him. One hand sliding barley over his neck and collarbones while the other sat at his waist just keeping you upright against his growing need. 
Marcus lost himself in your lips, his tongue gently teasing at you, giving your bottom lip a nip and taking advantage of the high pitched gasp to slip his tongue into your mouth. You let him dominate the kiss, the only brush you returned was as he explored your own. 
It was only when his grip slipped to your hips, and stopped himself before he pulled them into his own. Taking your time to slow back down to a simmer, Marcus only pulled away after going back for one last small kiss. 
Your eyes shut and chest heaving to catch the breathe he stole from you, Marcus tilted your head up to look him in the eye. “Be safe, please. I’ll pick you up in the morning, okay?” 
Trying to resist you pulled away only to find yourself unable to overpower his strength. “Marcus, it’s okay, you don’t need to go out of your way just for me.” 
Instead of any annoyance he smiled. Leaning in to brush his lips against yours as he spoke. “Quite the opposite. I just need a little extra time alone with you before I have to share your company again.” 
Finally agreeing, he set the time he’d be there. You noting it was earlier then either of you needed to arrive there, you couldn’t help but feel a growing heat at his eyes looking over you. He left one last kiss on your lips. 
He watched you at the door until you disappeared from sight up the stairs. No doubt he was about to hear it from Missy. Whatever inside of him kept flashing back to her mother, it seemed to be buried deeper down inside her. Marcus at first thought it was the feeling of betraying his wife when he no longer could deny how much he liked you.
But now he knew it was something a bit different. It was getting used to feeling alright in finding love again, getting used to the freedom to find happiness again after so many years of pushing it away. Missy might be more complicated, she was young when they lost her and she’s grown up mostly without a mother. That might be something to slowly be unpacked later. For now he felt happy, and so did she and for the Morales duo that was all that mattered right now. 
It wasn’t until after you got out of the shower you saw a text from Marcus. He had never texted you before, only ever called. You bit your lip as you approached, a child like glee as you opened the message. 
“Tell me if it’s too much, but I already started to miss you.” 
It wasn’t too much. Something about him felt different, like he wouldn’t hurt you in ways others had before. So you kept him at ease, not wanting him to think you were apprehensive about it. The insecurity existed, but putting that on him wasn’t what you wanted. 
“Missing me, or just missing my lips?” 
He responded right away, as if at the ready for when you finally opened his first text. “Trust me I miss more than just your lips right now.” 
There was a smile as you typed this out, it was a risk but you could still feel the weight of his tongue sliding over yours and it had kept your body in a state. “So you’re saying I shouldn’t tell you that I only read this right after getting out of the shower?” 
Once again, right away. “Don’t start, baby. I’ll give you what you need, but only if you’re good enough to wait for it.” There certainly was more to this man then his kind look gave away.
You almost fell back onto the couch. How on earth were you supposed to just act like nothings changed tomorrow morning? “Do I get rewarded if behave like a good girl?” 
Marcus’s resolve would shatter the next morning when he sees you. His original plan was to take you out for coffee, but after that message shot straight down to his cock, he wasn’t going to be able to resist the need to feel your lips and your bare skin against his. Luckily you had a boss that wouldn’t care if you were late. 
“You tread carefully, sweetheart. You have no idea what kind of talk that’s going to get you into.” 
“I’m looking forward to finding out, Marcus.” 
“Me too. Now go get some sleep, I want you to feel refreshed when I finally get you all to myself tomorrow morning.” 
If only you knew just how much both of you would take full advantage of being alone together. 
Marcus Moreno was afterall, a constant surprise.
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narwhalandchill · 5 months
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okay so. skirk thoughts
first of all: as much as her design is still just kind of an ehhh compared to what couldve been, i do think it looks so much better in the actual game. the sfx in her arms and legs in particular helps a Lot imo. still not a massive fan but given i already loved the hair+eyes as well as the general color scheme, im warming up to it. still unfortunate we didnt get something more ambitious but i can live with this lmao
personality wise i actually really love how they went about her? its a little unexpected but skirk really has that abyss autism rizz to her JSJSIDISGFK love it. like this really isnt someone used to any manner of regular human interactions and it shows. i really like how blunt and utterly unfazed she is even when dropping some insane lore bombs bc theyre just peanuts to her. shes just completely unlike any character from any faction weve encountered before and i rly love the energy they gave her
i also found her little ramble about the value of life and death pretty interesting. it almost makes it sound like she considers herself dead in some way? with how she talks about there being no point in holding onto the bonds and remains of dead things and how this personal philosophy of hers is why she never comes to the surface anymore. like huh. whats up with that.
it also really reminds me of how an underappreciated aspect of childes characterization imo is how like. Incredibly insistent he is on staying alive being the most valuable thing? like this comes up Repeatedly in his voicelines. and now we have skirk literally talking about how to live is in itself a blessing. like i am Not buying this being coincidental at all. so unless they physically disprove me in this somehow down the line im taking this as 100% proof that childes high regard for life is Directly imparted to him through skirks teachings. and thats really interesting to think about.
and like. overall im quite happy with this glimpse of her character we have? i have bigger issues with the overall handling of the childe+narwhal+skirk segment of the AQ but those are narrative problems. skirk really stands out as a character and shes just. really fascinating AND funny as fuck in her nonchalance like. what an icon.
the only real unfortunate thing w her appearence specifically i think just has to do with the way her manner of speech and position as a narrator of dubious reliability to an extent is already leading to some. Quite unfortunate misreadings and/or taking the implications of her statements too far at face value. and i just know fandom will latch onto those forever 😭
(& jic i dont mean dubious reliability in the traditional unreliable narrator or like. lying or sth sense. just that her worldview is so alien and foreign to us that it should be taken into careful account before just blindly running off with any particular thing she claims)
like. firstly. the narwhal. ppl really dont seem to be catching onto how skirks perception of it as just a scuffed pet thats a hassle to manage isnt like. actually reflective of what a massive deal of an entity it is (read the boss fight quest item drop lore i am begging. or just wait for me to start narwhalposting JAJSKDK its coming 100%) 💀💀 what it DOES reflect more than anything is what an absolute maniac surtalogi (+ skirk by extension) has to be in order to claim a creature of this magnitude as a PET of all things. its also good to note that skirk herself readily admits both her highly unconventional view on most things AND that her master wont necessarily share any and all information with her - more so what he thinks is pertinent for her to know. her assessment of the narwhal as a nuisance of a task for a disciple isnt really reflective of the ultimate big picture HSJDKDKSK though it is very funny i have to admit.
im just preemptively annoyed and frustrated by it already bc its highkey giving azhdaha all over again where 99% of fandom just dismissed his deeper lore bc they took the storytellers claims of zhongli creating him at complete face value. like to the point hoyo had to literally add a whole segment at the end of the chasm interlude where zhongli more or less directly wink wink nod nods that a career entertainer isnt giving you the most accurate lore on this stuff 😭😭 like please. ive had the tears from among the stars lore fucking HAUNTING me ever since i first read it. its not just a silly pet whale im hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
and secondly. people really jumping the gun on "haha skirk thinks childe weak" when she was... quite literally speaking in past tense JSJSKDKSISKDK thats ajax 14 not the current state of things. while i do agree skirks power level is still way above his to the point i absolutely do think she considers him weak from her standpoint & ways off from his true potential, id also just.... like to point out that she pretty much confirms that her view of his competence has very much changed too? like please yall
skirk, who in all the years post ajax' 3 day abyss trip made NO effort to contact or keep up with him whatsoever and stated that her disciple wasnt worth even speaking to in the past has now LITERALLY voiced the intent to assign him the task of being a messenger between herself (possibly even surtalogi) and neuvillette. and she has made it VERY clear that she views the communication between herself and neuvillette (and traveler too) as one between equals?
this isnt her assigning childe some irrelevant side quest to keep him busy but actually utilizing him for a task she takes at least relatively seriously. like wdym she still considers him the exact same as before 😭😭😭😭 like obviously childes far off from being regarded as anywhere near an equal by skirk bc SHES just that insanely powerful but seriously. to me this is as clear an acknowledgement of his growth on her part as we will get JSJSKDKFKSKDKJ
but alas. everyone loves a "ha ha childe so weak XDDDD" like they just never wanna let that one go. Man
anyway still rly like skirk!!! all im Really hoping for in the future Especially w how i feel the 4.2 narrative while overall brilliant really sidelined and mishandled the potential and gravity of the narwhal side of things is that like. PLEASE let the interlude be the continuation to this 3rd descender n skirk n childe abyss situation i am so fucking tired of khaenri'ah and the abyss order im sorry lmao
also itll be like 4 years before we ever see her in Real action as a combatant but i am already So hype to see that. especially since her powers are so abyssal and alien in nature like thats going to be So gourmet i just know it.
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dryptid · 1 year
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when i think of fics that make steve out to seem like an actual bully in his early years, it doesnt fit. not because i dont want him to be, but just looking to the source, there isnt a lot of evidence to show that he was some sort of big bad guy stalking the halls. he was a shithead with shithead friends, yeah, but one that probably spent more time figuring out how to woo girls and flash a fake to get booze than push people into lockers. he's certainly framed to be an asshole, and he does have large moments of assholery -- but i think the biggest thing is that people [in the show] believe steve is a douche-bag before even meeting him. like its the first thing attributed to him in the entire show.
and thinking particularly about jonathan's off the cuff, out of line jab about steve right at the end of s4 (which what the fuck was that, im still thinking about that lol), and how that probably isnt an uncommon tone people take in hawkins when talking about steve harrington -- genuinely i think max would be steves strongest defender. especially in defense of his character. *especially* after reading runaway max, i dont think she would let anyone make steve out to be a bad guy. her first impression of steve is without the bias kids growing up in hawkins have of him, and its after having known and lived with billy for a while ( a year or something? i dont remember specifically but not for too long before they move to hawkins )
but the details in that book really show that billy is not just some douche-bag like steve was, but a severely troubled person, to put it waaay too lightly. like he's messed up, and he literally breaks max's best friend's arm. he breaks shit, he broke max's skateboard, and he taunts her about it, basically says to her before he pushed lucas up against a wall that he chooses to breaks things. billy poisons almost every aspect of max's life, and she had been so genuinely excited to have a cool older brother, someone on her side, and billy absolutely breaks that too
and then steve is just. not like that. the one thing he does break, he replaces. the graffiti he either watches go up or put up himself, he scrubs off. the fight he starts, he goes to apologize for. and thats BEFORE he meets max.
in that first encounter with max, she makes note of how he doesnt blow off her suggestion even tho shes some random girl, and max is amazed that steve would put himself between them and the demodogs, has almost an awe-struck faith in him even though a page before she didn't think he looked like much of a hero-type. and yeah he lost the fight with billy, but i dont think that would soil max's first impression of him in the least. because the fact at all that steve had stood up to max's personal monster would absolutely mean more than the outcome. and nowhere in the show do we see max tentative or careful or wary around steve after that. she blows right past him with her friends to use the secret door to the movies, she giggles with el as they ignore his question, she doesn't watch her tone, or show anything but annoyance when she promises to prosecute. steve is safe, and thats no doubt a huge reason she writes him a letter, even if we don't get to see that much of their relationship on screen.
so to any small minded busy-body that would think to compare steve harrington to billy hargrove, make some sort of connection between the two because of popularity or basketball or stupid shit like that. there would be no world where max mayfield would let that shit stand, even for a minute.
TL;DR: max would 100% eviscerate someone verbally for talking genuine shit about steve
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onlyswan · 7 months
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Hiii Art!! How have you been and how's your work/studies whatever it is that you do. Good? Eh? Well mine's kinda on a dry and wet mode rn lol.
Mind if I rant here?
I have 2wk worth of exams coming up and I have no motivation to study. I honestly regret taking up the course im studying for. I mainly took it up because its lucrative and helpful in today's economy. But honestly I should have just pursued 14yo Lyfie's dream to become a nurse. It wouldve been so much more rewarding🥲🥲🥲.
Anyways despite that im just praying my gpa doesnt go down the drain, and im gulity right now because i wasted the whole day doing nothimg even though i told myself to go study. I couldnt do it. I just......well i knew what i was doing was bad but everytime i looked at my notes i felt as if i knew them all, and in the end achieved nothing. Sigh i hate myself for how repetitve this unhealthy cycle has become. Parental pressure isnt helping either. I try ranting and they say its just momentary tiredness and it would go away soon and then further guilt me into wasting time :((((.
Wow that became long. Im so sorry for litterally trauma dumping on you, especially if tou had a long day. It would be the last thing you'd wanna worry about 😂😂😂
Anyways i wanted to ask you about your writing, both as a fellow fic author and as loyal reader of yours. What inspires you to write?
(I.e set time aside to write your fics and even feel motivated to open up that document? I have so many plot bunnies, headcanons and fic ideas, but no matter how enticing, everytime i try opening up my google docs, that burst of excited energy saps away. Urgh its so frustrating!!😠)
And for your fics, we had possible teases of engagement btwn jk and oc and even f2l hopelessly pining jk and oc. So i was wondering will we ever get a confession scene 👀👀👀?
I rmbr when jk ssid somewhr in an interview where he would love to lift his partner up and kiss them and my mind went str to the in which couple lol knowing your writing and since its jk its gonna be so cute cheesy and gonna involve tears 😇.
Funny enough i also know that both oc and jk are heavy on respecting e/o be it space or privacy, and when i heard Twice MISAMO's Do Not Touch song which was about consent and it was potryaed beautifully compared to art masterpeices, it got me thinking about their initial stages of skin ship or how they got comfortable around e/o physically or even their first time. Idk im just so invested in this universe lol 😭😂
Hmmm, but thats it for now. I'll reach out to you soon!!! :D
-Lyf
hiii lyf <3 work is draining and some customers are rude but my co-workers are fun to be with so it’s alright 🥲 uni also started this week and it’s nerve wracking but also soooo exciting !! i’m just gonna need some time to adjust to this new life + schedule 😬
i’m so sorry to hear that beloved :( i’m sure with the given the circumstances that you chose what you thought would be best for you at that time and i think it’s important that you recognize that too !! 🫂 and yesyes studying is so freaking difficult especially when you don’t feel motivated >:( for me personally time management has been pretty helpful. i love schedules ^^ sometimes i do house chores first to get my brain into work mode too and i give myself little rewards during break times (which are sooo important) or after studying hehe like snacks or screen time !! please look after yourself and your health. 🥺
dw i’m mostly fine with you guys ranting about stuff like school !! because same !! but i’m just putting it out there that when it’s abt triggering stuff i have to restrain myself 🥲 i don’t reply to those because it really affects me badly mentally too :(
hmmm when it comes to inspiration to write 🤔 like i said i do love schedules hehe i open a draft every night before bed + in my notes i also save words/phrases/scenarios that pop in my mind throughout the day but couldn’t write yet :D but i don’t really get to write everyday bcs i’m too tired or nothing just comes out. sometimes i only write one sentence or one paragraph then pass out lol. on a good day i finish one scene and maybe start writing the next too !! a jungkook weverse live will always 100% give me a big rush of motivation tho 🤭
and i doooo want to explore the earlier stages of oc and jungkook’s relationship 🥹🥹🥹 i have many many plans !! but i just want them to be perfect so it might take me a while </3 this is still a long journey if y’all are up for it hehe thank you so much for being invested in our little iw universe !! 🥰 it truly means the world to me that i get to enjoy my passion like this :") ilysm lyf 🫂
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inknopewetrust · 1 year
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i read ur post. im so sorry that life hasn’t been treating u as well as u deserve and im sorry that tumblr isnt as kind of a place as one would imagine. as a reader myself, i think i found it very hard to understand why a lot of writers were complaining about not getting enough reblogs? and hear me out, i really dont want to offend anyone. but i didnt get it. ive had a tumblr for +10 years now, and ive only just now found myself on the “fan fic side” of it. and idk, i think i was very naïve to think that “oh well but getting 5 reblogs must be as good as anything?? like 5 people liking it enough to reblog it is insane??” but then i put up my own fic about a week ago i think?? and i got like 60 notes?? which i still think is a good amount, but it also very much put be in a place of “oh well maybe im just not a good writer or creative enough” so much so that im not sure ill ever release something again??
i didnt mean for this to get this long, but yeah idk what im trying to say with this?? im sorry for being naïve and not getting others feelings and idk i kind of hope that it will give u the tiniest bit of consolence as to why people seem a bit lazy sometimes?? that it is more out of not understanding rather than that they do not appreciate ur work?? and also this was not to say that i didnt understand why u have to reblog to support, but more of a “readers may not always understand that 5 reblogs for something u used 1 month on writing isnt always enough”
im not sure if my message is clear?? nonetheless i just wanted to say that im very much in love with everything u write and still reread all ur work from time to time. im so happy i stumbled upon ur tumblr bc its helped me greatly on days where i needed it. take a break as long as u want, and even if u dont want to come back - just know that u have blessed us with so amazing stories that will be my faves till the end of time. i can very much see ur dreams of screenwriting coming true!! take care of urself and im so sorry that this turned so long??
- e 💖
Don’t apologize! I’ve been on here for about 8 years and didn’t get it at first either. It’s a learning experience for sure. I think a lot about the notes on fics also depend on the fandom.
Im very lucky and grateful for all the love and I don’t mean that to come off snotty or bitchy in anyway—it’s just very easy to compare yourself to other writers and see their success as perfect and yours as less than.
And I don’t think it’s necessarily a reader problem, but a content problem. We consume so much and don’t realize there are people on the other side. People looking for support and validation that isn’t always given. And I’ve been a silent reader before and regret it so much. But I’ve been trying to remedy that with fic recs and my own reblogs.
Thank you so much. I am certain something will spark interest in the future—heck, maybe it will be a show coming out soon or a movie in the next month. You never know, right?
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jortslinson · 1 year
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I think the last anon was referring to this and I can say, the amount of fans saying "Louis likes to get choke" on the qts and comments, quite disturbing if I'm being honest, like do they not know that "choking" is very much a consensual thing and very much a "don't do this to a singer when he's singing cuz it might disturb his voice/air flow" thing?
hahaha I did see that this morning right after I answered that ask oops! But you know I do give these fans the benefit of the doubt that theyre joking around for the most part I mean they could argue I'm the same for making posts about Harry's choking part in Keep Driving so I dont want to be hypocritical especially because I truly believe if Louis felt in danger he would either stop going down to barricade or set some kind of boundary like he did with the throwing things on stage. No one is putting that kind of pressure or even has the time to get that kind of grip to risk any real damage. I WISH people wouldnt try to get around his neck or in his mouth because that is weird but most instances I've seen look like thats where hands landed in the heat of the moment. Even Louis said with the fingers in his mouth thing it was partly his fault because in the heat of it he thought it was a microphone, so I feel like everyone isnt thinking straight in those few seconds before security drags him out of the fans. I think we and Louis just have to actively be more thoughtful about this moment if we want it to stick around at the end of shows which I HOPE!!! it does because its exactly the kind of rockstar Louis wants to be!
But on the note of consent, I do hope people, young fans especially, recognize that this is something people do in real life in real intimate situations but hopefully only after long discussions about safety and boundaries and consent. I just dont think the barricade is a comparable situation or lets say I hope its not a comparable situation and people have the sense not to show up to FITFWT with the intentions of Actually putting that kind of pressure and grip on to him in that moment.
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fluffi · 3 years
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SARCOLINE SUNSET I: WELCOME HOME, OUTSIDER :: SOOBIN
pairing: soobin x gn!reader, platonic!ot5 x gn!reader genre: fluff, some subjective angst, bits of humor, enemies-to-lovers, childhood friends word count: 4002 event: #summerscape for @kpopscape credit: @enha-woodzies​ for making the gfx for this series! show her some love <3 author’s note: i accidentally deleted this post so here is a rushed reupload. it might not be as good as the original because it isnt proof read as well but i still hope the algorithm picks it up, maybe this’ll be good for the post. Also, the second part will be coming out in 15 days. warnings: people disappearing, mentions of burning and fire (further warnings will be released in the next parts as the story gets darker)
THIS STORY IS PURELY A WORK OF FICTION AND DOES NOT DICTATE JAY OR NI-KI’S PERSONAL LIVES AND/OR FAMILY.
part two ->
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The blonde stared up at an intricately designed structure in awe, walking forward to touch the sides of it and running his calloused hands up and down its rusted carved wedges. It seemed oddly cliche and unrealistic, but he could feel its story. Every touch of the ceramic pillar provided him with emotion that he couldn’t bring himself to explain.
The sun hadn’t set yet, but he could make out the faint reflection of it settling in the background. The huge pine trees around him were making conversation with each other; their faint whispers and rustles providing peace to his veins.
So entranced in the scenery of such a mystical place, he forgot to watch out for his younger peer. Kicking back into his senses, he nervously called out, “Riki! You there?” His voice, usually strong and boisterous, laced fear today.
“Don’t worry about me Jay, I’m right behind you. Just climbing this fence..and..there!” Riki let out a grunt as he jumped onto the soft grass, looking at his older friend with an innocent grin.
At the sight of his buddy, Jay visibly loosened. It was clear that he didn’t feel safe in this environment, yet felt entranced to it in some way. Riki caught up to him in a quick jog before standing next to Jay, in awe at the magnificent view that they were spectating for the first and possibly last time.
“Is this…the place you were talking about?” Riki was out of breath from running after his peer. He pats the grassy patch below him before slumping onto it, crossing his legs afterward.
Jay took a seat next to him, setting his canvas satchel and leather jacket next to him. “According to the maps and books, this is the right spot. I just want to see if the myth is true.”
Riki clapped his hands in excitement and turned to face Jay. “We’re staying till the sun sets right? I want to see what the carousel looks like at night! This structure is so fascinating. It must be beautiful out here at night.”
“No, we’re walking back as soon as the sun goes down. I do not want to risk being out here at night. People have disappeared from staying too long and I wouldn’t want to worry your mother.”
Riki visibly slumped and turned back in time to see the last drop of orange dip. It was quiet for a while. The singing birds stopped humming their soulful tunes, yet the whispering trees grew louder, their inaudible gossip echoing in the ears of the two boys.
At nine at night, Riki’s mother would call Jay, heeding no response. She would do the same for his parents and his friends. The only piece of information they could provide was that Jay had brought Riki, in his words, to “a magical place”. With no other vital details they could draw from their son’s peers, Jay and Riki’s family agree to call the local police, reporting two missing people: two minors, one last seen in a brown leather jacket, and a taller one tailing alongside him. Both their hairs were dyed in a striking shade of blonde.
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Summer’s heat-blasted onto your skin as soon as you stepped out of your sleek white Toyota. It was good to be back, you supposed. Although it was something that not many people would fawn over, you were ecstatic to be home in town.
Leaving at the mere age of sixteen wasn’t easy. After your parents decided that you were too good for a mediocre high school where people cared more about their body count than grade count, they immediately sent you off to a prestigious boarding school in the big city. You were given three days to pack and say goodbye to your friends, the rest of your family, your world. As excited as you were to study in the evolutionary epicenter of technology, you didn’t like how you had almost no say in this decision.
You didn’t return home from high school even after four years of studying at that mentally draining institution. It wasn’t like you didn’t want to come back, you were just so accustomed to life in the big city that it seemed pointless to return to square one. With the rest of the world finally in your grip (or so you thought), you enrolled in a highly expensive university and received a full-ride scholarship.
Perhaps that was your breaking point. Piles of work that could never be cleared must’ve got to your head. No one out there seemed to care about your mental health and well-being. The only reason you were allowed to take a break from the university and return was because of your constant breakdowns that your lecturers called “distracting” and “unethical”. You were hoping that this drop-by in town would give you a physical and mental cleanse.
There was no place as hot as home, from where you had been. The blazing sun scorched onto the road. Carrying baggage by itself was already hard enough, but this heat was immensely torturing. You struggled to carry your belongings while trying to close the car boot at the same time. Oh, a pity. You had just returned home and you were slowly turning into a bundle of disorganization, unlike your previous methodical attitude.
“Need a hand?” A familiar suede voice behind your shoulder sounded like music to your ears as you dropped all of your luggage and turned back to see…
“Taehyun!” Child best friend number one. You were looking at a once-innocent boy with doe eyes who had matured into a fine young man. His hair was dyed platinum blonde and, although younger than you, possessed a flair that was completely unlike his past self. His facial features were more prominent than ever and you wondered if all of your friends had developed as well as he had.
You locked your arms around his neck and embraced him as he took your baggage from you.
“You’re so tall now!” You gasped in awe and looked him up and down.
“Of course I am! A boy has to grow, doesn’t he?”
Speak of the devil(s), four people tagged behind Taehyun, waiting for you to notice their presence. All of them were just as tall (if not taller) than your blonde friend and stood out like a sore thumb. It wasn’t just the height, their hair was also in very...exciting colors.
“Can’t believe you forgot about us just for Taehyun.” Ah, that nasal voice was so recognizable. Choi Yeonjun, second-best friend. You cherished him like he was your secret weapon, a power waiting to be unleashed into your industrial world. Although older than Taehyun, they seemed to be the same height now. You couldn’t tell because his new neon pink hair was waxed slick and puffy which made him look a teensy bit taller than his younger friend. You had seen him around on social media and he was a hair-changing chameleon.
Alongside Yeonjun was Hueningkai, better known as Kai in the friend group. He was the youngest one, constantly babied and spoiled, you could say. He was probably influenced by the rest of his friends too, his hair now in a mossy shade of blonde. 
Poor Yeonjun, you completely disregarded his existence and dashed over to Kai instead, eagerly standing next to him to compare heights. The kid had grown so much, you couldn’t tell if you were contented that he was now taller than you or dejected that you had missed so much when you weren’t around.
“Hey, wait up!” Someone from behind called. With Hueningkai and Yeonjun blocking your view you couldn’t see who that one person walking next to Choi Beomgyu was.
Beomgyu, the last friend who joined the friend group. He was always a comedian and never failed to make your day. Although, he didn’t seem so smiley anymore. You figured that it was school stress and adulting getting the best of him. We all had those days; you regrettably knew them like you knew the back of your hand . Unlike the rest of his friends, Beomgyu’s hair was kept in a natural shade of ivory brown. He had never been swayed by the rest of the crowd.
There were so many things to do, so many people to see. You had missed out on most of your growing: having fun with friends, staying up late at night just to watch the stars, dancing on your balcony. You had missed the people too. The town felt different from when you had left it.
“Soobin! Don’t just stand behind, meet our friend! They just returned from the city, right?” Beomgyu ran over to you before giving you a little squeeze.
Who’s Soobin?
“Hey, I’m Choi Soobin. Twenty-one this year. I moved here a few years ago. You must have left before I showed up.” A simple and concise introduction from the blue-haired man. Maybe he was the root of this hair-dyeing trend in town (pun very much intended), as well as the height trend since he was just as tall, if not taller than the rest of the boys.
You briefly introduced yourself but that was about it. You didn’t know how to create small talk, nonetheless with someone completely unfamiliar to you.
Later that day, you wondered if he had replaced you, become another guardian in the friend group. As one of the oldest, you and Yeonjun were always known as the parents of your three “kids”, but Soobin seemed to take care of them equally well. Throughout the day, you watched his every action, how he helped Beomgyu with homework, how he styled Kai’s hair, how he treated Taehyun to his favorite meal, exactly like what you did when you were still around. For once, you felt like the outsider.
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Marshmallow Night had always been a tradition here. It was a five-of-you kind of thing, well, the six-of-you now. It had always been the go-to celebration whenever one of you hit a milestone, or was just held for fun. The days of joy where the only thing you had to worry about was whether your smores were burnt.
It had changed a lot over the years, you guys would add some new events to it and remove the ones you guys outgrew, like hopscotch.
You had missed most of its evolution.
Instead of being the main catalyst for today’s event, you resorted to sitting at the side as Soobin took the lead, carrying tables back and forth as well as setting up the fire in a method that the five of you had never used.
Oh, how much you loathed him. You hated his innocent-looking face that spurred out words of authority and boastfulness. You couldn’t stand how he looked so obnoxious with his bright blue hair, his dark brown eyes that held an impeccable gleam. He looked so cheeky, so mean, and worst of all, he had made all of your friends convert to mini spawns of him. Even Yeonjun, the oldest member, no longer felt like the Choi Yeonjun you once knew.
If you could, you would throw him out of your hometown, except that you seemed to be the outsider here. Anyone who walked past would see five people sitting on a huge log, helping each other light marshmallows and biscuits. They would barely notice the one person hunched over on the other side, sitting on the ground, eyes dazed and uninterested.
Occasionally one of the boys would call out to you, either hand you a s’more or ask if you were alright, to which you responded, “I’m alright! Don’t worry about me, I’m having fun.”
Anyone could also see that you weren’t in the zone, but you didn’t want to ruin the moment and be a party pooper. You ended up spending most of the time scrolling on your phone, checking school emails, and such. It didn’t feel like you were back home, it felt like you were on a vacation, on your own.
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The commotion had died down, for the most part. Everyone else was either discussing school gossip in hushed voices or making the most of use of their electronic device. You were tempted to join the little heated conversation that Soobin and Beomgyu were having, but you didn’t know who this ‘Chaeyeon’ girl was and either way, you wouldn’t want to voluntarily speak to Choi Soobin.
It wasn’t long before both of them went to do something else, the only sound prevalent being the wood crackling from the bonfire and the occasional chirp of evening birds.
It was a loud, sucked-in breath that drew the attention of everyone, eyes pinned onto the instigator.
Choi Soobin, once again disrupting the peace of this curated environment. He ducked his head in apology and you were about to return to your world when Kai’s curiosity got the best of him.
“Why did you just do that?” His booming voice resounded over everyone else.
You weren’t going to lie, you were curious too. It wasn’t every day you heard a gasp like that.
Soobin looked back up, eyes wide and awake. He was excited about something but seemed to be masking it for the sake of..suspense?
“Okay. You guys know Yongsam Park right?” He put his phone down and tapped his hands on his thighs in a state of urgency.
Now that statement got everyone’s attention. “It’s the flower place outside our town, everyone passes it when they enter. Of course we would know where the place is. Why are you so adamant about it?” Taehyun inquired.
“Well, have any of you gone inside the park? Or near the landmark in general?”
“No. Why would we? There’s nothing to do there than to take pictures of boring flower statues.” You stated.
“See. You guys don’t know anything about the place.” He smirked tilting his head upwards and proudly crossing his arms.
“Could you cut to the chase and tell us what it is already?” Thank Yeonjun for his smart, impatient mouth.
Soobin didn’t answer and merely flipped his phone so you could see whatever was on it. The only words you could make out were “Yongsam...missing...carnival” and something related to the park before he turned it back, away from your view.
“You can’t just say that we don’t know anything about this place then proceed to give us nothing about it.” You rolled your eyes, disinterested in the conversation once again.
“Fine. I’ll send it to you.” Soobin rolled his eyes back as four of the other boys snickered. They loved seeing the two of you bicker.
In courtesy of Beomgyu who gave Soobin your number (without your consent), you received a news article and skimmed through it with eager eyes:
[WHAT’S THE HYBE?]
YONGSAM PARK CURRENTLY UNDER INVESTIGATION, AUTHORITIES SAY 3 days ago
What’s the deal with Yongsam Park? Insiders say that, although bland and boring, Yongsam Park is currently under high-level investigation for the disappearance of a few citizens. The flower-decorated park is the perfect place to take Instagram-worthy pictures and is quite harmless in itself, so visitors were shocked to arrive at the park only to find it surrounded by heaps of yellow tape.
Yongsam Park was developed by Kim Yongsam, director of My Flowers, a multi-million florist franchise that has now spread to Japan and Taiwan. In a 2015 Interview with the millionaire, he mentioned that he had created the park in the inspiration of the rising ootd picture trend, also known as the outfit-of-the-day trend, which he had initially discovered from his teen daughter. 
“I wanted to create a welcoming park for people of all ages, but I couldn’t find a suitable place to do it without the budget being drastically high. In the end, my team and I found an abandoned site and decided to build a simple structure with lower costs up there. Props to my team for the discovery of this landmark. The scenery there, especially in the evening, is stunning .” He stated in the 2015 interview with Soup Magazine.
What’s the abandoned site? With the evidence that is still standing, Yongsam Park is rumored to have previously been a carnival. Said evidence is a worn-down carousel in the back of the park, along with piles of other burnt carnival decoration and equipment. With research, Yongsam Park’s site may have once been an abandoned carnival that perished from an unknown wildfire. This may have been the primary cause of the drought that ensued in the 80s, leaving only a carousel and ashes behind. When questioned, Mr. Kim said that he had decided to leave the carousel standing behind the park due because he felt ‘drawn by its alluring glow’, as quoted.
Investigators and the local police have only enclosed the flower section of Yongsam Park because that was where the victims were spotted. They believe that disappearances took place there and are currently trying to find evidence to back up their stance. Most of this new information is not known to the public, however, Kim and his team are trying to keep it that way. The current disappearance count is seven people, the most recent case being two high-schoolers.
The carousel is still open and does not require a visitor ticket, but visitors are advised to take precautions and leave before the sun sets.
RELATED
TWO MORE BOYS HAVE DISAPPEARED AT THE NOW INFAMOUS YONGSAM PARK 5 days ago
FAMILY OF TOURISTS DISAPPEAR AT YONGSAM PARK, INSIDERS SAY THIS IS THE SECOND CASE OF DISAPPEARANCE HERE 2 weeks ago
JAPANESE COUPLE DISAPPEAR AT FLOWER PARK, NETIZENS CALL THE NEWS A POLITICAL DISTRACTION 3 weeks ago
“Are you seriously...telling us...that we should visit a place where people have been kidnapped?” Yeonjun gawked. “Dude, that’s so stupid. What if we die or something?”
“Don’t say that! I was just curious if you guys wanted to go since it’s so near and since your old friend is back home.”
“It’s a dumb move. I’m not risking my life just so I can celebrate the return of my friend. Not worth it.” Beomgyu huffed.
“Hey! You’re worth it, right?” Soobin glanced at you, waiting for a response.
He was...defending you? His ulterior motives were questionable and you weren’t sure if he was protecting you because he cared about you (cue the puking) or solely because he wanted to go to Yongsam Park that bad.
You didn’t reply and chose to drown out the wailing and chaos that ensued with your friends. You clicked on a related article below, curious to learn more about this lesser-known part of the park.
[WHAT’S THE HYBE?]
TWO MORE BOYS HAVE DISAPPEARED AT THE NOW INFAMOUS YONGSAM PARK 5 days ago
Park Jongseong (20) and Nishimura Riki (15) mentioned to their friends that they would be heading to ‘a magical place’, before disappearing for around a week. They were last spotted walking through Yongsam Park, according to anonymous witnesses. This is the third case of disappearances at the park and both teens are the sixth and seventh people to go missing.
Both families reported their children missing just two days after their disappearance. With this case being the last straw, local authorities forcibly shut down Yongsam Park despite protests from staff and management.
Parents of the two minors refused to respond when called for an interview and HYBE reporters resorted to interviewing the victims’ friends instead.
“Jay’s never been a bad kid. Yeah, he might be late here and there, but he wouldn’t skip class or fly across the country for vacation during school. I just don’t understand why he’s not here with us. He wouldn’t voluntarily disappear.” Park Sunghoon (19), a friend and classmate of Jongseong (who is better known as Jay among his friends) said.
“Although I’m not close with Jay, I know Riki personally and I know for a fact that both of them wouldn’t run away like that. Why, Riki was gearing up for a dance competition that he’s been excited about all year, and now he’s just gone? Like that? Riki has always been like my little brother, and he’ll always be. I just want him back at my side.” A teary-eyed Lee Heeseung (20) says.
Netizens have been complaining about the lack of coverage on this issue.
“Maybe Mr. Kim spent all his money on covering this story up from the mainstream public. That’s why he had to build the stupid park on an abandoned sketchy site.” An anonymous netizen commented.
Regardless, we’ll be keeping our prayers for Jongseong and Riki, as well as the five other victims, to return home soon.
“...you guys are such wimps.” That was the first thing you heard Soobin say when you tuned in to the conversation again.
How dare he say that? How dare he have the courage to call you, someone who moved out on your own at 16 to live in the big, scary world, a..wimp?
“Look, Choi Soobin. I may be a lot of things, but I’m not a wimp. I didn’t say that I wasn’t interested on this trip.” You stand up and blurt out without thinking twice.
The rest of the boys are gawking at you, their mouths open wide in awe and shock. Yes, you weren’t a wimp, that was for sure, but they had known you all their life as someone who could not stand going out into the wilderness. Maybe the big city had really changed you.
“At least someone wants to go! Perfect. We can leave tomorrow at noon, bring your camping stuff!” Soobin grabbed his things and began walking away.
“Camping?” The five of you exclaimed in unison.
Taehyun, the rational member, gasped. “I, personally, wouldn’t mind going to the carousel thing..or whatever it is, but I am not staying the night. Dude, are you nuts?” The rest of you nodded your heads in agreement.
“It says in the article that we are advised to leave before the sun sets.” You point out, trying to keep your voice as steady as possible in fear of breaking this mask of false confidence, when in reality, you were terrified of this place.
Soobin turned back and eyed you down disinterestedly. “Conclusion is that we’ll bring a small backpack, or whatever you guys want to pack, and we’ll stay there until eight. Deal?”
“Seven.” Hueningkai timidly said.
“Whatever you guys want.”
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You hadn’t been able to sleep last night. It wasn’t due to fear of the place you were going, rather, you weren’t too excited about having to spend half of your day around Soobin.
What were you going to say to him? You were definitely overthinking at this point.
You know, they always say that the person one hates the most is the one that they also love most. And when Soobin flipped his blue hair back or cheekily smiled, showing his endearing dimples, you couldn’t help but…
No! You loathe Choi Soobin. You couldn’t stand his smile, or his hair, or his height. That evil moonwitch.
“Hey, you ready to go?” Speak of the devil (or moonwitch), you spotted a fluff of blue hair in your peripheral vision.
You couldn’t even muster up the courage to look back at him, merely nodding your head while staring at the white wall.
“Why aren’t you looking at me? Are you...scared?” You could see him wiggle his eyebrows as he made that statement.
That was it. You turned back at him. “Yes I am. I’m absolute terrified. I can’t stand the fact that I have to forcibly spend my precious time around you. It’s like I’m about to voluntarily live a nightmare.”
Woah there, calm down. You had smoke spurting out of your ears at this point.
Soobin’s once excited face fell into one of disappointment. “Yeah, it’s a nightmare having to be around you too. Gosh, the immaturity.” He left the room in haste as your eyes shot lasers through his well-toned back.
Maybe you had gone too far with the insult. He hadn’t been mean to you at all, really.
Then again, he had been mean. He took your place when you weren’t around. Suddenly, you were determined to get it back.
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“Hop on the magic school bus!”
“Shut up, Yeonjun.” You deadpanned before leaning your head on his shoulder. The two of you were finally falling back into routine and you couldn’t help but bask in this nostalgia.
You also couldn’t help but notice how Soobin kept on looking through the rearview mirror at the both of you, pupils darting away once you locked eyes with him.
Man, this was going to be a long ride.
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gar-trek · 2 years
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You hate star wars fans, whyyyyyy?????
did i say that? okay i dont remember saying this but i was just thinking about star trek vs. star wars debate so you read my mind ^-^ wait i remember now this was about the post that was like "can a star trek girl and a star wars girl really find love?" and i said NOOOOO!!!!
well i dont actually hate star wars fans because there are SO MANY different types of them right? like there are millions of 10 year old boys who love star wars and im not going to hate on them for that. I do get really annoyed by like the people who were disney adults and then just kinda migrated to star wars once the franchise was bought out, and now collect like baby yoda enamel pins or something idk. Like even thought star trek has old white men who kin picard at least we dont got anyone like that. and i feel like the majority of star wars fans are the disney adult type these days. I know star wars has mass appeal but to me its always felt like a kids franchise first and formost, so its a little extra cringe when adults devote their entire life to it. not to say kids dont also enjoy star trek, as i too was once a kid who liked the show, but its def geared towards adults more then star wars is. my dad brought up a great point the other day, for all the terrible terrible decisions star trek ever made, at least we never had a jar jar binks. i can rest well knowing that. and on that same note, i feel like a lot of star wars fans remind me of harry potter fans too? like maybe they really really like the franchise as a kid and still identify with it but only for nostalgic purposes. like obviously star wars was a HUGE part of a lot of peoples childhood (it was a huge part of mine) so now a lot of millennials just like keep that aesthetic. but its somehow still seen as like nerd culture which is weird to me because there is literally nothing nerdy about star wars anymore? its just way too mainstream to be nerdy. AND none of this is to say star trek isnt mainstream. like ive also talked about this before too, where star trek is one of the most like pop culturally mainstream type franchise and yet its now living through an era where you will be hard pressed to find someone who's still actively watching the show (unless you come on tumblr, thanks tumblr).
anyway this is mostly a joke. i know trekkies can be just as cringe as... uh star wars fans (i looked it up and apparently they dont have a fandom name. i think we should star calling them jar jar binkers) and vise versa. at the end of the day you can like whatever you want i dont care im literally just some guy. Also, the two medias are so different they probably shouldn't even be compares. like even the medium, star trek is primarily and episodic tv show and star wars in primarily a series of movies. however, i do believe that star trek is a more interesting and overall better franchise and you can rip that opinion from my cold dead hands. no surprise there tho
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yellowbluemoonshine · 3 years
Note
Hi I really love your Fruits Basket analysis, could you do one for Shigure too please?
Wow, nice timing, anon. I was planning to write it :))). Thank you for compliment btw. It makes me really happy. Though, i didnt plan to getting in deep but i will since you asked me. Shigure is not really a character i really enjoy and i cant make long deep analysis for him, the way i did for Akito and Tohru because he is not that deep but anyway lets analysis him.
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It wasnt shown openly in main story but Shigure doesnt have good relationship with his family. In manga notes, it says he dislikes them. And the fact that how less we see them in Shigure’s life, there is probably emotional neglect which explains where his obsessive personality came from. Also we saw his parents tell him to greet family head, they probably care about this more than what their own son wants, its not hard to imagine them as utilitarian.
Though, Shigure isnt the only one who has this kind of problem. Ayame wasnt worthy for his family cause he is born as ‘snake’ and wasnt usefull tool for his family. This is why Ayame become overdramatic,ignorant, self centered and loud. This is his way of rebelling, his way of saying 'i am here’ cause his parents neglects him. Hatori’s father is very strict and he was used as tool since he has power to erase people’s memories, this is why he is used to obey, this is where his balanced personality came from.
He is introvert, manpulator but really bad at understanding people’s feelings. He also likes reading books so no wonder, he became author. His books might for to distance himself from others and reality.
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They are the first zodiacs who was aware of many things, compared to younger zodiacs. One chose to ignore, one chose to obey, one chose to rebel. Shigure is observant character, his toxic behavours comes from this environment too. How he chose to play mind games. This is his way of handling things. He acts like he doesnt care anything, he looks at his book but silently observe whats going on. He must’ve been realized that they are all tools, maybe he questioned why they even exist at first place, like; whats the meaning of life for him?
And eventually Akito was born, we dont know the details of dream but we know how it effected them deeply. And again, Ayame, Hatori, Shigure gave different reactions to newborn god. Ayame completely ignored that child and ran away from her as much as possible. Hatori obeyed, accepted the sitution, like always. Shigure became obsessive over her.
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And Shigure started to define his whole existence, his whole meaning of life as that thing. Like, if he has that thing, his emptiness will be over. To him, Akito is the object he wants to obtain.
And after she was born, just like other zodiacs, he develops some affection for her too. He even comforts her when she needed. But his goal is still same. This is why he intentionally ignore her to make her come. He thinks Akito is just being stubborn about it but she is just not. At that time, Akito was just a kid. Very lonely kid who was just waiting for someone to see her.
Its interesting that Shigure spends a lot of time to observe her, he constantly watching her, making a big plans to have her but he failed to see how much lonely she was. His obsessive personality makes him unable to see Akito as invidual. This is why he can remember her body type, eyes, her way of talking, her moves but he cant describe her feelings, her inner thoughts, her suffering.
This is actually its kinda parallel to Akito’s obsession with bonds. Akito defines her existence with the bonds because this is what he was told and Shigure defines his existence with her. But there is difference between them.
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Akito didnt have outside life, friends etc, her god persona was all she had which later changes. Tohru becomes her friend and showing that she doesnt have to be god, she can still be loved as being herself which lead Akito to change. She changes when she was treated as invidual for the first time in her life.
But Shigure had friends and outside life since the beginning. He has Hatori, Ayame, some zodiacs, Mayu, he even later meets with Tohru. There are people who treats and sees him as invidual. There are people who sees his flaws but still accepts him with that. But he is the one who constantly chose to not move forward in the end. He never let go of his obsession and look at the life without it.
I do believe that he felt some care for Akito too. But even though, its definitely meant to be twisted, messed up love, he never try to move on it. This is his biggest flaw. He tries to change everything around him except himself. This is what we sees during the story.
He manipulates people around him to get what he wants. This is why he took Yuki and Kyo, this is why he takes Tohru. Of course, this doesnt mean he doesnt care aboutthem. He is capable of thinking about others and feeling guilty for his actions too. But this is exactly the problem. He seems to realize his flaws but he never try to fix it.
He excuse everything he did for the name of love. Especially the way he treated Akito is really horrible. This
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is not something that should be overlooked. We always mentions how Akito shouldnt've treated zodiac like this and for the sake of both side, they should stay away from each others, how Akito should break them free. Same for Akito and Shigure too. Shigure shouldnt have treated Akito like this, it was horrible the way he intentionally make her feel insecure..and no. This wasnt for Akito's or zodiac' s sake, it was for Shigure's sake. Its because he wanted Akito for himself, instead maybe making Akito meet with other people was never option because he wanted her to depending on him. Because he is depending on her in a way, after all, Akito is the object that he defines as self worth.
And no, they dont deserve each others too, noone deserves to be treated like this, noone should play someone's mental illness the way Shigure did to Akito.
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And he blames her for betraying him but...we dont know when he starts to have sexual feelings for her, he says he eventually obtained her which he probably meant that he sexually posses her cause for Shigure, sexuality is big part of love and how he express his love. Eventually they had sexual relationship but the fact that Akito still wasnt felt loved by Shigure and saw her body as something she should give to other men (Kureno) means she felt like a sex object. Also what was he thinking when he slept with mentally unstable young girl who has no idea how to relationship works? This is how Shigure treats her generally though. He came to her side and sleeps with her and goes back. The lack of emotional connection is always there.
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Also how old was she when she had some relationship with Kureno and Shigure? She looks extremely young in those scenes. She is 6-8 years younger than them which means they had sexual relationship with her when she was teenager? Its messed up.
The reason people call as grooming, there is a emotional manipulation Shigure used on Akito since they were children and Akito's world view is very limited. Shigure as someone who has more agency should've known this and the reason people call as or pedophile, its because of all that age different. Author messed upw ith those ages and its really disturbing cause Akito was big possibility teenager when she had sexual relationships which is oof. The only reason i dont mention is because there was some supernatural thing over there etc but still disturbing.
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Ironic part that Shigure was called out when he tried to flirt with Tohru even as joke but same thing didnt happen with Akito. Is it because she is cult girl, she doesnt deserve protection? Akito is not older than Tohru that much, Tohru was 16-17, Akito is 19-20 in those times but Shigure is portrayed as Tohru’s adult figure/father figure but with Akito, he flirt with her when she wasnt even 16 years old and he is both lover and father figure for her? Its horrible really. Its not okay to flirt with Tohru who is normal high school girl cause thats the rule of society but its okay to flirt with Akito who is emotionally younger than Tohru because she is not normal highschool girl, they are in cult so its okay? Its not Akito’s fault borning in some cult.
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He also justify sleeping with Ren, yes he was hurted by Akito’s actions and he has right to mad at her but i wished he focus on his own wrong actions, instead of putting blame to others. He emotionally manipulates her and intentionally enabling her destructive behavours to increase tension between her and zodiac. I think people really underrate how much Akito was traumtized by this. Shigure is keep making jokes about it, Akito got triggerred by little moments and her mind literally goes back to Ren. He literally made her internalized misogny worse and increase her hatred against women more cause she didnt want to blame Shigure or other men for betrayal. This is why she lash out to other women.
(I am talking about those things cause its important both for this character and story and shouldnt been overlooked.)
I dont think this is love. Love is strong emotional connection between two inviduals but Shigure just doesnt understand her at all. He keeps pushing her corner. And she is depending on him too much which is so unhealthy.
Rin and Haru has same problem too though, Rin is depending on Haru too much but at least, their love feels more like...love. Rin doesnt see him as father figure lol. And Haru didnt love her cause of some supernatural dream, they just love each others as invidual and yes, sex was too early for them too. Especially for Rin but at least, Haru was younger, he maybe couldnt think that far but Shigure is older than Akito, he should’ve know better. Also, Haru hates Rin's abusive parents cause they hurted her deeply but Shigure actually feel empathy for Ren, the one of people who deeply hurted Akito.
I am not saying that noone should feel empathy for Ren, i am saying why all of people it had to be Shigure who supposed to love Akito the most? No wronder, he related to Ren cause his obsession of Akito is parallel with Ren’s obsession of Akira. Its kinda similar.
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Every story has and need a character like Shigure, someone who push the plot and some of his scenes are really entertaining too, so i understand why people like him but i think the way he treated Akito and how he used people shouldnt been overlooked and he should have get consequences of his actions but he never get one, unlike Akito so i dislike him a lot.
People can only grow when they recognize their wrong actions and try to change it. This is Shigure’s character flaw, he understand his wrong actions and never bother to change it. He asks Akito 'how she will atone?' but would he bother to ask himself to same queston too?
In the end, he never does. He never grows as character. Theme of story is literally uncontional love doesnt exist but his relationship with Akito comes from contional situtions, full of toxic, unchanging and eternal. He literally says its eternal to Akito. Basically condracts with the theme of story.
Just like how Akito need to end her relationship with zodiac for both their sake and her sake, Shigure should’ve end his relationship with Akito. People around him call him out for it, Hatori and Kureno told him to act kind, Ren questioned his love but Shigure never seems to stop and thinking how unhealthy this love is, not for himself but also for Akito and he shouldnt just act like this.
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Yes, he is realistic character but he is realistic jerk and it shouldnt be funny. I dont like him saying 'i am jerk/i am not good person anyway' as joke but never really adressed by narrative, it only makes him weak as character. Its not some determination, its weakness. This is why him being separated from Akito in the end would be good punishment for everything he did, it would be consequences of his actions but it didnt. -_-.
When he properly take care of Tohru and zodiac or help Hatori or Mayu, he seems more sempathic because despite him being very selfish person, you can see he care about people around too. Shigure should've find his own worth outside of his obsession with Akito, instead until the end, he keeps holding on to her.
I am saying this as someone who used to blindly accept all types of canon relationships because its canon but this relationship made me wake up.
Saying that 'Akito deserved this cause she was toxic' is same mindset that justify police force. If people think Akito's relationship with zodiac should end for good, then they should think the same for Akito and Shigure's relationship too. No matter what, just because Akito acted toxic, this doesnt justify Shigure's acting same too.
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You can learn more how the healthy relationship works in here;
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/healthy-self-healthy-love-characteristics-of-strong-relationship-030220185
People say their relationship became healthy and author said so, lol even though, story shows opposite. More details in here. If author says this relationship is healthy, does she even know what healty relationship is? : ) This is not an example of toxic relationship can become healthy either because if you look at details and research about what is healthy relationship is, you will see thier relationship didnt change that much in core.
Story shows opposite. What a reader supposed to do when author’s words condratcts with whats they write? To me, what story shows me is more important than saying. So, its still unhealthy relationship and its not real love.
Basically; To me, a character who is unwilling to change for better, character who never face any consequences of their actions, character who is very selfish is weak and boring character. Also i hate the way he treated Akito a lot. And again, it shouldnt be overlooked. Its horrible. And no, he doesnt change in the end, he just loose his reason to fight cause he gets what he wants.
What a shame. It whould be a lot inspiring to watch characters ending toxic relationship but in the end, its normalized and ruins their potential to be grow. Akito would try to change for better anyway, for Shigure, story would force him to change and finally he would have to do something about his life which is better ending. Well, f.ck the canon, we can make our own endings.
In the end, this post became my rant but its true though.
(I might edit things later).
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violet-amet · 2 years
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reflecting on things. lots of thoughts i wanna spew out here. i think i officially lost my mind.
im not exactly sure where to start my tangent, but i guess i should just say that when i found the term “internet poisoned”, it clicked to me that i basically lived my entire life on the internet. followed and watched so many videos, esp during the time i dropped out. i could make excuses, such as my dad;s death that it was the reason why i am the way i am, but is that really it? wasnt i always a depressed kid that never got checked? (am i austitic on a different note? on that, i think ill just answer it for myself and say yes, because i may have certain traits that might be the case. i havent gotten tested tho.)
its not a wise idea to grow up with the internet, speaking on it now, as a 28 year old. my mom may be the same way, even tho she is not as tech savvy as me on this, but we still use it to entertain ourselves since we both had a computer at one point. but im only going to speak for myself, and say that i kinda do regret wasting my time online. well, not entirely, but i wish i had made better decisions.
i should had balance both my usage and person life. i shouldnt be so used to terms and things that non-internet users arent. i also should had been smart, and avoided some people that did cause me a lot of harm as a child. but that itself didnt exactly get limited to the internet, however. basically, my life was kinda fecked up either way. but i was also shallow and got out lucky compared to some others my age. (its damaging what people can do to others.)
im glad to have met people that ive grown to cherish, but what good am i outside of the net? i cant drive, dont have a ged, and i dont have a job.
ive watched so much drama happen on various websites, that ive grown to grow sick of it. petty ones, of big name utubers, that seem to have no reason behind them, just that they are popular and their community is toxic. and funny thing is, that is nothing new. every big thing will always have a toxic community around it. how that affects the person in the center will vary, and its not going to be guaranteed to be a great one, depending on their own personal troubles. (its the same for big hollywod actors, thinking about it, how they got poisoned and damaged by the people behind the scenes, and forcing them to take shape in ways that are impossible to please others. isnt it strange how both overlap? funny that, in a bitter sense.)
i also been apart of toxic communities. i try to keep my distance from those that did damage, but i know i will be forever stained with a name that is... well... ruined on different people’s perspective. but to me, its still important. some fandoms gave me experience that i would not had if i didnt genuinely enjoy the content.
but its also a shame when the creator turns out to be an absolutely cunt.
so many allegations, so much proof, so easy to also fabricate some of them and get them tossed into the real truths. but a cunt is still a cunt, so no matter what, some of them can not, and should not be forgiven. never let them forget the damage done, and the trust they had betrayed with everyone involved.
but i personally cant live my life around these... “superficial” things. the damage they did is real, just like being abused physically and mentally by a person outside the net. it can happen, but as an observer, what can i do? let it poison me in the inside, to the point that i lose hope? that the next person i like turns out to be just as bad?
it just creates so many problems with me, that i realize that yes, im too deep into the internet, and that i should break away from it. i need to force myself to step back and enjoy life around me in the real world. my mental illness is not a great thing to deal with in the real world, but i can manage.
but the worse thing about myself, is my morbid curiosity on things i regret learning about afterwards. i never thought there will be such horrid people on the internet either. so bad that i cant describe it without wanting to tear my computer apart.
i need vacation. i did get covid, so my body should had build up immunity, but i also gotta stay safe either way. im glad im doing better tho, despite it, and esp during remission, because its gonna be my 4th year since i finished chemo. i hope and pray that i will continue on to a healthy life and spend my time on this world happily for a long, long time. years and years and years.
but what doesnt help with that tho, is the fact i had to deal with a relatives death last year that still hurts me to this day. ah well. i will cry, but it cant be helped.
i have too many things going on in my mind. [sigh]
and i waste too much of my time watching stupid videos online. i should spend it more wisely. heh.
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afishcalledfatin · 4 years
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kítrinos - Qian Kun
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kitrinos( κίτρινος)  - yellow
pairings: professor!Kun x fem student reader
summary:  meeting Cyan was either a horrible mistake or a blessing in disguise. In a world where soulmates exist, you were starting to believe that yours didn't exist. Not until, you picked yellow from Cyan's book of colours which transported you to another reality where your soulmate's feelings are shown on you when you share the same emotion. Sharing a rare mark made things easier but theres a catch, both of you won't know until the very last moment. What will happen then?
genre: studentxteacher, fluff, angst
warnings: mentions of death, losing eyesight, arguments, swearing
A/N: Hello lovelies! this is for the colours collab made by @neo-cult-ure i’d like to thank everyone for supporting us and i’d also like to thank the other writers for being so lovely and amazing and just being a great bunch of people. also want to thank @fairielightsss​ for proof reading this. to be honest, this isnt greatly written. there will be many  mistakes so bare with me. so i hope i dont offend anyone and i apologise for any mistakes.
P.S: I recommend listening to this which will give you a good feel on the story. i also recommend watching Howl’s Moving Castle to understand some of the references, but if you haven’t then its okay!
As the sky fades into the night sky, your eyelids begin to droop and the attention towards the song had started to slowly make your head spin. The need to finish practising this piece kept you awake in fear of getting into big trouble with your lecturers. You slap your face in an attempt to make yourself stay awake before preparing to play the piano.
"Are you going to continue torturing yourself or should we head back?" Your best friend, Renjun said while walking into the music studio. You chuckled, "I'm almost done. Wanna wait for me?" You asked. He nodded as he sat on the edge of a table making himself comfortable. 
You’ve been practising a song from one of your favourite movies, Howl's Moving Castle but something didn't feel right. Renjun took note that you were taking longer than usual.
"How come you're struggling so much with this song?" Renjun asked. "I'm not saying this in a mean way but I've seen you play,” he said cautiously, not wanting to hurt you with his words. “This song should be easy compared to what you’re used to." He said with a tilt of his head, confusion hinted on his features.
You shrugged while deep in thought, "I know,” you took a deep breath, collecting your thoughts. “I can't explain it but it feels like this piece is missing something." you finally explained. 
He nodded at your words. He didn’t say anything more but you knew he wanted to ask more. You began playing the first few notes before Renjun gasped making you falter in your playing, "What if you were Sophie in your past life?” he said with wide eyes, “Better yet, what if you were the Witch of the Waste?" You stared at him with wide eyes holding confusion. "Really, Renjun?" You narrowed your eyes, not liking the way he was messing around.
"Just kidding." he laughed with eyes holding mischief. You broke down your façade and laughed. Shaking your head, you ended the song frustratedly.
"That's it, I'm continuing tomorrow." You sighed and got up, slinging your bag over your shoulder. 
"Jaemin asked if you wanted to a sleepover?" You nodded excitedly and Renjun cheered as both of you walked out.
Throughout the walk back, you tried to wrap your brain mind around the question, "Why did that song feel different?" you mumbled to yourself. Beside you, Renjun was questioning your unusually quiet behaviour.
When you were offered to play for the school's annual dinner, you were completely overwhelmed and honoured. They gave you a selection of songs but this song attracted you the most.
Why?
The walk was eerie and quiet, you could feel the cold and sharp air pricking at your skin. Renjun stood close to you when you suddenly heard footsteps behind you. 
You turned around and you were greeted by an old lady. You real ed it was a lady named Cyan from when you both met earlier today. She was a funny looking lady who showed you her book of colours. She told you to pick one and you chose yellow. She also mentioned something about a soulmate but you weren't really paying attention.
"Cyan?" You called. The footsteps quickened. 
"What are you-" 
"I'm sorry, sweetie. Everything will make sense soon." She said hurriedly, cutting you off.
"What do you mean?" She smiled and pulled out a pouch from her pocket, blowing a yellow powder onto you. You waved your hands around to try and stop her while Renjun was beside screaming at the old lady but to no avail, the powder dusted your figure. Next thing you knew, everything went black. 
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You drummed your fingers across the table, waiting for Jaemin and Renjun to arrive. 
You were the only one in the studio and the silence was driving you mad. With a loud sigh and you reached in and grabbed a chocolate bar from your backpack, unwrapping it. Just as you were going to eat it, the door opened. 
Low and behold it was your favourite lecturer, Professor Qian or more casually known as Kun. It depends on when you're talking to him. Walking to his table and he places his stuff down before realising you were in the studio. 
"I'm hurt Y/N." He starts. You grinned, leaning forward, "Why is that, Kun?" 
"Professor Qian in class, missy." He points.
You rolled your eyes and snorted. "Okay, why are you hurt, Professor Qian?" You repeated. 
"Well, I come in and the first thing I see is your feet on the table and you’re eating a chocolate bar. And you didn't even bother asking if I wanted some." He wipes a fake tear. 
You laughed and jogged to his table, "Aha, but the thing is, sir," you showed the extra bar you brought for him, "I already brought an extra for you." You passed it to him. He chuckled, "Well, won't you look at that. I knew I chose the right favourite student." 
You snorted, "The only reason I'm your favourite student is that I'm the only one playing the piano in this class." You stated. “And secondly if I’m not mistaken Professor Qian,” you continued, eyes holding mischief, “Didn’t you say Jisung was your favourite student last week? And Sara about two days ago?” you hummed, a hand on your chin with a pondering look on your face.
He laughed and shook his head, "I'm guilty. I love all of you equally." He raised both his hands defensively. "Ah, I wanna ask you a question." He walked over to the other side of the table, sitting on the edge of it while facing you. 
"How would you feel about playing with me?" He suddenly said. You raised a brow.
"Wow, Sir, I didn't know you were that adventurous." You wiggled your brows. Kun furrowed his brows, "What are you- OH MY GOD Y/N NO, NOT LIKE THAT." he said embarrassedly, hiding his face in his hands. You burst out into laughter, clutching your stomach as you saw your teacher getting flustered. 
"Geez, Y/N, go clean that brain of yours." He rubbed his temples. You punched his shoulder lightly, sitting next to him on the table. 
"Well, you should've worded it better. It's not every day you hear your professor asking to play with him. Anyways, what did you mean by that?" You asked him. 
"I meant doing a duet performance with me during the annual dinner." He explained. 
"Ahh, I see. What song are we talking about though?" You turned to him.
He rolled up his sleeves and crossed his arms, "I was thinking Merry Go Round Of Life? Y'know the one from Howl's Moving Castle." He sat on the edge of the table.
"I'd love to do it but you could easily do that song alone. Why do you need me?" You asked, genuinely confused. You've seen how Kun plays and it's absolutely amazing. It doesn't make sense why he would need you. 
He scratched the back of his neck, "Well, it is a dinner with both the lecturers and students. I thought it would be cool to have us both play. Plus, imagine the power of both of us playing." He bumped your shoulder with his.
"Are you complimenting my skills?" You asked shock painted on your face. He looked quite taken aback, "Y/N, I'm pretty sure I've made it clear that I'm very impressed with your skills since day one." 
Ah, first class, you remembered when Kun walked in and he did an evaluation test on all of you. 
As both of you walked to class, you were greeted by a squeal. "Renjun! Y/N!" You smiled and ran to Jaemin, giving him a hug.
"How were holidays, babe?" Hewereapped an arm around both of your shoulders. 
"It was nice to go back home, my parents kept pestering us on our soulmates though," Renjun informed. 
"Have you found yours yet?" You asked Jaemin. He smiled softly, looking at you shyly as he nodded slowly. 
You squealed and began jumping with him. "Congratulations, honey!" You hugged him tightly.
"What's she like?" Renjun asked.
"She's so… perfect." he sighed dreamily. You and Renjun began poking fun at him and teasing him.
“What did it feel like?” you asked curiously.
“Not gonna lie, it hurt like a bitch when the mark burnt off but after that everything was amazing,” he explained as you sat in between the two of them. 
"What was your colour?" You asked. 
"It was grey," he said proudly. Renjun snorted, "What were both of you confused about?" he said shaking his head. 
"Well, I was confused about what to order and she was confused about a math question. We suddenly felt the mark stinging and I immediately looked around and there she was, all cute and blushing." He said dreamily.
The door opened and a chill pricked at your skin. You turned around to see an unknown man walking in. You went to sit down with your friends. "I think he's the new lecturer," Jaemin whispered to you. 
"Good morning, everyone. You may call me Professor Qian, I'll be teaching you from now on. So let's start shall we?" He said. 
You heard the chatter of the girls behind you, "oh, Woah, he's really handsome" You grinned, he really was.
He wore a blue button-down shirt with a pair of brown slacks. His brown locks gelled back nicely. Kun The professor looked around the studio and his nerves calmed down, everyone seemed quite friendly. This was his first time teaching and he worried he would make a bad impression. 
"According to Madam Rowena, your previous lecturer, she informed me to do an evaluation test first so that I'll know what level you're all at but I'm pretty sure you're all very advanced, let's start with that." He took out a list from his bag, and he began to read out the names of your classmates.
Everyone had to play a song on their respective instrument. You took note of your classmates looking nervous, trying their best not to mess up.
"Alright, thank you, Ms Seo. Now, Ms Y/L/N?" He looked around.
You raised your hand and walked towards the piano. 
"Are you the only pianist?" He suddenly asked you. 
"Yes, I am." You said nervously. He nodded, signalling for you to proceed. He continued reading the list, pushing his glasses to sit comfortably on the bridge of his nose. You breathed in, immediately pressing the right keys to Victor’s solo in the Corpse Bride. 
His eyes perked up as he watched closely. He watched as you focused on the song and your fingers moved with grace. He could feel the passion wafting off of you as you played. The beautiful tune resonating around the room. 
Your classmates watched in awe, they've always enjoyed watching you play. You were the best in the class after all. To everyone, this was a sweet melody that you knew, but it meant so much more than that. 
It was a painful memory.
As you hit the last note, your breathing turned rapid. Everything was quiet before everyone began clapping and cheering. 
"Thank you, Ms Y/L/N. You may return to your seat." He smiled softly. You nod and return to your seat. 
"You surprised him, Y/N," Jaemin whispered as both of you watched Renjun play his flute. 
"What do you mean?" You asked quietly. 
"Throughout the entire evaluation, he hasn't looked up. Except for when you began playing." he nudged you with his elbow. 
"Sure, Jaem. Sure." You rolled your eyes. 
"So, do you wanna do it?" He asked. You thought about it again. Your mind weighing the pros and cons before coming to a conclusion, "Sure, plus I get to annoy you even more now." You teased as you walked over to your seat. 
"Oh god please protect me from this child." He said out loud.
You were going to counter when Jaemin and Renjun came in, sandwiches in their hands. 
"Professor Qian~" Jaemin bowed. "Good morning!" He said cutely. 
"Morning, Jaemin, Renjun." He smiled back. Jaemin and Renjun walked up to your usual seats, plopping beside you.
"What were both of you doing alone, huh?" Renjun asked. 
"Talking?" You replied. 
Jaemin snorted, "Yeah, and I have three legs." He added. You scowled and pinched his arm causing him to yelp. Soon, the class began to fill up and Kun started teaching.
As class ended, you walked up to Kun and sat on the edge of his table. "So, what day are we practising?" You asked. Kun turned around at the sound of your voice, he loosened his tie and slid his hands into his pockets. 
"It's up to you, kiddo. The dinner is on the 25th." He said nonchalantly. Your eyes widened and your mouth hung open. "Wait, 25th?" You stuttered. He nodded. "That's not too far away!" You squeaked. 
Kun shrugged, "I've seen you master a new song in three days. This is easy for you." He claimed. 
"But Kun, this is a performance in front of many people. Not just the class. Plus, I'm going to be playing with you, how are you so sure I'll be able to keep up with you?" You whined. 
Kun walked closer to you and patted your head, "You'll be fine and you'll do so amazing. Like usual." He reassured you. Your cheeks warmed, "thanks, Kun." You picked at some dust off your sweater. 
"I'll tell you what, we'll practise twice a week. The duration is up to you. We can do it for 20 minutes or 2 hours. I'm okay with anything." You pouted, "Kun, that's not fair on you. I'm pretty sure you're busy as well." 
"Y/N, I'm a single male with a cat and several assignments to check. Do I look like I have plans soon?" He joked. You laughed lightly, "How are the guys and Louis, by the way?" You asked.
"They're great. Xuxi recently adopted a puppy named Bella so the house is a bit noisier than usual." He said. You giggled, "Must be fun." 
“You should visit someday. The boys really miss you,” he said. 
“Sure. how about this Friday?” you asked. He nodded, “Should be fine. Bring Jaemin and Renjun too if you’d like.” 
“I’ll inform them then.” you smiled. 
 You threw your bag over your shoulder, “So, Wednesday?” 
He nodded, crossing his arms over his chest, “Yeah. Want me to bring snacks for you?”
You placed a hand over your heart, “You know me so well. Yes please.” you nodded cutely.
He shook his head, “I’ll see you then, yeah?” he waved. You skipped out of the class, nearly smacking face-first into the door.
"Oops…" you nervously turned and ran out. 
Kun chuckled, shaking his head. "Clumsy girl." He muttered. 
"Nana! Injunnie!" You ran, wrapping your arms around their necks. 
"Wanna follow me to Professor Qian's house this Friday? They’ve recently gotten a puppy." You said. They immediately nodded their heads at your suggestion, "sounds great! We'll bring food as well." Jaemin added.
The three of you hung out for lunch, chatting about any new events that seem to catch your ears. "Oh, what were you and Professor Qian talking about?" Renjun sipped on his hot chocolate.
You grinned, "he asked me to perform with him during the dinner." You beamed.
The two boys clapped excitedly, "That's so cool, Y/N!" They both gave you a side hug.
After talking a bit, Jaemin sighed. "I can't believe we're graduating soon." He said sadly.
"I know right? A few more exams and,” you paused, “we're out." It dawned on you that you wouldn't be able to see them all time like usual. You began tearing up at the thought, "Guys,” you said softly, grabbing both the males’ attention, “Promise me we won't drift apart." You sniffled. 
Renjun and Jaemin pouted, "Oh baby." Renjun got out of his seat to hug you. Jaemin too soon after.
"We promise. Also, we'll still meet up as much as we can. I don't care if it's once a week or month, I just need to see you guys." Jaemin tugged at his sweater sleeves. Before you could finish your lunch, the three of you were a sobbing mess. You loved the two of them so much, they were your best friends. 
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You got off your motorbike and sighed before turning the doorknob. You opened the door only to be graced with the familiar sound of to Italian Opera music and the smell of brownies. You tried to sneak upstairs, avoiding getting called.
"Y/N, is that you?" The soft voice asked. You turned slowly, "Yeah, it's me." You stood in the middle of the stairs.
You saw your stepmother walk out the kitchen, cocoa powder on her apron and some flour on her cheek. 
"How was your day, dear?" She asked. You shrugged, "It was okay, I guess." 
Silence. This was your routine every day for two years. She'd ask how your day was and you'd stand awkwardly. 
"I'm gonna head upstairs. I'm tired." You said stuttering between your words, not looking at her.
"Oh, uh yes. Well, there's some brownies on the oven if you'd want me to bring some up?" You shook your head, "It's okay. I'll get them myself." you said politely. Before she could reply you walked into your room, closing the door behind you. 
Your mom passed away when you turned 7, so all that was left was you and your dad. For a very long time. Even then, you remember him not really being around for most of your childhood. You were brought up by your grandmother. Though whenever your dad left for business trips, he would never fail to always bring back a gift for you.
However, you didn’t expect him to bring back a woman on your 20th birthday. Anyways, Not wanting to stay for long, so you called Jaemin and asked if it was okay to sleep over and he agreed.
You walked down the stairs, peeking into the kitchen and grabbing a brownie. You saw her sitting in the living room and you’d thought it would be best to just inform her. She noticed your presence and immediately straightened up.
“Uh, I’m gonna sleep over at Jaemin’s.” you awkwardly scuff your feet against the hardwood floor.
She nodded, “Alright then, stay safe.” she smiled. “Your father will be coming back tomorrow afternoon, by the way.” 
You nodded, “Ah, okay. Thanks for informing me.” you scratch the back of your neck. 
“No problem, Y/N.” she replied.
You head out, starting your motorbike and riding it away from your house. It’s not like you hated her, it’s just hard to accept someone. It doesn’t help that Dad is barely home so things get even more awkward when it’s just the two of you.
Your mom wasn’t there to help you out when you got your first period or for you to talk to when you had your first crush on a boy. The only person who you could talk to about these things was your grandmother who had sadly passed away a year ago. Sometimes, you wish you called her more often to check up on her. 
A tear trickled down your cheek, you sighed. “I miss you so much,” you whispered. 
Upon arriving at your best friends house, you parked your motorbike and knocked on the door.
“Coming!” you heard Renjun running to the door. “Hello again~” Renjun leaned on the door. 
“Hey boo.” you poked his stomach and walked in. “So, what are we going to do tonight?” You asked.
“I would’ve wanted to say drinks but we’re broke so pizza and movies sound good?” Jaemin pointed to the mountain of pillows and boxes of pizza. “It’s perfect.” you beamed.
You changed into the pyjamas you brought and settled into the pillow fort. 
“What are we watching?” you asked. Renjun shrugged, “Nana wanted to watch a rom-com.”
Jaemin came crashing down into the pile of pillows. “We’re watching Sensei Kunshu.” he said excitedly, n,t hesitating to press play.
“What’s it about?” you pulled the blanket over your body as you took a slice of pizza. 
“It’s about a girl who falls in love with her teacher.” Jaemin chomped onto a breadstick.
Thirty minutes in and you can’t help but hide behind the blankets, you loved the movie so far but you had to admit, you got second-hand embarrassment watching the movie.
“AYUHA, PLEASE,” Renjun screamed at the main character along with some incoherent noises. Frustration dripping from his words.
“I need to pee,” you said as you ran towards the toilet. 
As you were walking out, you suddenly felt a buzz, it was Kun. you opened the message to see a document he sent.
“These are the notes for the song! You can try playing it first :)”
You smiled and quickly typed back a response,
Thanks, Kun! I’ll see you soon.”
“What are you smiling about?” Renjun asked he sipped on his drink. “Kun sent me the sheet music for the song we’re going to perform.”
“Ahh, what a fitting movie~,” Jaemin said in a sing-song voice as he wiggled his brows. Your brows knitted, “What?”
Renjun smirked, “You and Professor Qian?” you gasped and plopped in between them. 
“No! he’s like an older brother, friend kinda thing.” you tried to explain.
“I like how that was your reason and not simply because he’s our teacher.” Jaemin giggled.
You pinch his arm lightly, “Shut up.” you pout.
“It’s true though, Y/N. everyone in the class agrees.”
“EXCUSE ME, WHAT?” you shrieked. 
“Let's put it like this, you guys act as if you’ve been engaged for two years and you live in a studio apartment along with your two cats and you travel around the world to perform at concerts,” Renjun stated.
Jaemin began clapping, “Bravo, my boy, bravo.” he pointed “That’s basically how everyone sees you guys.” he drank his cola. “Also, you can’t deny the fact that he has a soft spot for you. He’s already a genuinely nice guy but when it comes to you, it’s on another level. This performance is basically feeding us and our classmates with good content.”
You sat there and thought about it. Yes, you were much closer to Kun then others but you didn’t know your classmates shipped the two of you.
“Whatever, it’s not gonna happen anyways,” you said whilst shaking your head, silencing the both of them. “Plus, we both have our own soulmates.” you pointed out as you reached out and grabbed a slice of pizza.
Renjun was going to argue until he heard your ringtone. 
It was your stepmom. 
Your brows furrowed, “Hello?” you started.
“Hey, Y/N, I know you’re at your friends’ house but you might need to come back soon. By tomorrow morning.”
Your brows knitted, Renjun and Jaemin sat next to you, wondering and waiting on you to tell them what’s going on.
“What? Why?” you asked, a tad bit irritated. 
“Your father is arriving home sooner than expected.” you groaned internally, “How soon?” you asked.
“I think around 8 in the morning?” you rubbed your face, 
“I’ll come back now.” you hung up and slammed your body back onto the pillows.
“Looks like I have to head out, fellas.” you got up and helped them clean up.
“We’re really sorry, Y/N,” they said in unison. You waved them off as you stuffed the last breadstick into your mouth, “It’s okay, guys. Plus, my dad probably wanted to ‘surprise’ us.” you muffled.
“Don’t talk with your mouth full, woman.” Jaemin bumped you with his hip.
“Sorry.” you giggle.
After cleaning up, you said goodbye and headed back home.
You carefully got upstairs, she was probably asleep so you didn’t want to wake her up.
You opened the door and plopped onto your bed, turning off the lights and falling fast asleep.
You heard laughter and chatter downstairs as you woke up. You stretched your tired limbs and went down. Your dad was hugging your stepmom and they were just chatting about something.
“Y/N!” he called. You walked down the stairs and greeted him. “Hi, dad.” 
He smiled and immediately went for his bag. “Here you go, I got you this.” 
Like usual, he’ll hand you the gift before asking anything.
In his hand was a black box with a white ribbon on it. You opened it and smiled, “Thank you.” 
“No problem, kiddo. Now, what’s for breakfast?” he turned to your stepmom and held his stomach. They both walked to the kitchen, your father’s hand wrapped around her waist.
In the box was a beautiful, sapphire necklace. You closed the box and walked to the kitchen where your dad was already eating.
She prepared a plate for you, placing it next to your dad. 
You sat down and began eating at the hearty breakfast she prepared. 
"So, how's school?" He starts. You swallow and face him, "everything's going well, my exams are in a few weeks and then I'll be performing at the annual dinner." 
“Wow, really? That’s very exciting!” Lilian praised.
"That's great honey." He says, unimpressed as he checks his phone. 
"Do you have a boyfriend yet?" He suddenly asked. You choked on your toast, drinking a bit of water to ease your throat. 
"Uh, no." you shook your head, “I’ve been really busy so… yeah.”
“When you do, make sure you bring him for dinner.” he points at you with his fork.
It sucked how you couldn’t talk to your dad like old times. It’s not that you didn’t want to but it seemed like he only cared about work and making sure your grades are absolute perfection.
“How about that Jaemin boy? Or Renjun? They’re from very good families.” he asked. Your stepmom walked behind him and placed her hands on his shoulders, “Sweetie, they’re her friends. Also, you should always wait for your soulmate when the time comes.”
You’re lost for words and you couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable.
“Uh, I have to get ready for class.” you shuffled out of your seat. 
When you entered your room, you leaned against the door and let out a long sigh. 
It's like I don't know you anymore...
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Kun sat at the counter, stirring his coffee. 
I hope the song works this time, he thought.
Kun furiously pressed at the keys, getting agitated by the silly mistakes he seemed to have made. He was going to reach the end but he accidentally pressed a different note, causing him to groan. 
"What's up with you?" Sicheng walked towards his roommate. "You've been at it for 3 hours now." He leaned against Kun's piano in his room. 
"Sorry, must've been really noisy huh?" He asked Sicheng apologetically. Sicheng waved him off, "Pft, it's okay. They're much noisier downstairs." 
They laughed a little before Sicheng sat next to him. "What seems to be the problem?" He asked Kun. 
Kun sighs, "I know this might sound weird but for some reason, this song doesn't feel… complete to me? I don't know how to explain it but it feels like I'm just pressing notes rather than actually feeling the song. I can’t seem to play it at all." 
Sicheng's brows knitted, "Have you tried playing with someone?" Sicheng asked. 
Kun nodded, "I played it with Johnny, Taeil, Doyoung and all those tries failed as well. I don't know who else to ask." He rubbed the back of his neck. 
"Okay, c'mon let's try." Kun excitedly nodded at Sicheng's suggestion. Maybe he just needed someone he was a lot closer to. 
The song started out smoothly, like usual but then suddenly, both of them played the wrong key. 
"Huh…" Sicheng placed his hands on his hips. 
"Exactly. It's always there." Kun got up and sat on his bed. 
"Maybe… change the song?" Sicheng suggested. Kun shook his head defiantly, "No, there's something about this song and I can't put my finger on it. It's stressing me out. I could easily play that… I just don't know why I can't right now." He ran his fingers through his brown locks. 
Sicheng leaned against the piano, "How about playing with your students?" He asked.
"Y/N is the only one who plays the piano right?" He pointed out. "Why don't you try with her?" He smiled. 
"Actually… that's not a bad idea." He stood up and paced around the room. 
"I'm going to ask her. If the song still fails, I'll change the song." 
"Kun? KUN!" he heard the loudest clap ringing in his ears. He turned and saw Yukhei who was pressing Bella to his chest, staring at him worriedly.
"Oh, hey Xuxi. What's up?" He asked, still quite dazed. 
"Uh, you're gonna be late for your class, again." He pointed to the clock on the wall. 
Kun's eyes widened, he ran out the kitchen, suitcase and keys in hand.
"SHIT, SHIT, SHIT." he repeated as he started his car. 
"Kun, your coffee!" Yukhei stood by the doorway with the mug in hand. 
Kun waved him off, "You can have it, man." He yelled before speeding off. 
Kun ran, making sure he wasn't too late. He kept checking his watch over and over until he bumped into another body.
"Oomph!" The voice squeaked. He turned around and saw Y/N on the floor, rubbing her back.
"Oh thank god it's just you." He breathed. 
You scoff, "Are you late, again?" You got up, feeling a bit sore from landing on your butt. "Also, what's that supposed to mean?" You poked at his chest. 
"Yes, and it means I won't be awkwardly apologising to some random student I've never met before." He brushed the dust off his pants. "So, I'm sorry and I'll buy you snacks. See you later, byeee!" He said as he ran off to his class. 
You shook your head, smiling a little. 
"Silly professor." 
Your music history class had ended and you stretched your stiff limbs. 
"I love music history but Miss Leanne makes it so… miserable." Renjun rubbed his sleepy eyes. 
You snicker, "same. I'm pretty sure I nearly dozed off twice." You yawn. 
"Y/N, are you coming over later?" Jaemin asked. You shook your head, "I don't think so, bubs. I have practice with Professor Qian and my dad is home so he probably wants to 'spend time' together." You rolled your eyes.
Jaemin pats your back, "He's still at it, huh?" 
You nod angrily, "he always complains how I never want to spend time with them but when we do, he's always on his phone leaving me and my stepmom to talk." You rant. 
"But you don't talk to your stepmom?" Renjun pointed out.
"Exactly! Do you know how awkward it was? Also, this morning he asked me if I had a boyfriend and told me to date either one of you." 
Their eyes widened, "Sweetie, I love you but I'm taken." Jaemin pointed at where his mark once was. 
"Yeah, I love you too but you're like a sister to me." Renjun shrugged. "I can't imagine dating you." He admitted. 
"THANK YOU! Now, tell my dad that." You groaned.
You checked your wristwatch and it was almost time for practice. You pat both of their shoulders, "I've got practice in a few minutes. Wanna call later?" You asked. 
They nodded, "Is it okay if Minseo joins? She's visiting us." Jaemin asked. 
You nodded, "of course! Also, tell her I'm really sorry for not being able to meet her properly, I swear after graduation both of us are gonna go on dates without you." You winked. 
Jaemin looked incredibly offended, "It's bad enough that both of you gossip about everything. Now, this. I feel so betrayed, my best friend and girlfriend." He grasped his chest, leaning onto Renjun.
"There, there, bud. You have me." Renjun patted his shoulder.
You laughed, walking towards the opposite direction, "I'll talk to you guys later!" You waved and jogged towards the studio. 
Walking into the studio, you saw Kun with his eyes shut and earphones in, on his chair with his feet propped on the table. 
You giggle softly, walking up towards him and tapping him lightly. 
"Professor Qian?" surprisingly, your light tap caused him to wake up in shock.
"Fuck!" He yelled right before falling off his chair. You panicked and quickly helped him up. 
"Jeez Y/N, you gave me a heart attack." He uttered. 
"Sorry about that." You grinned mischievously. You noticed his face and sluggish movements. "Are you okay? You don't look so well." You commented. 
He smiled, "I'm fine. I just haven't had any coffee today so I'm a bit sleepier than usual." Your mouth formed an 'o' until you remembered you had a thermos of coffee. 
You pulled out the metal thermos and poured some into the cup. You handed it to him, "Here! I usually give this to Jaemin and Renjun to drink but it won't hurt if you had some." You smiled. 
He chuckled, "Thank you, Y/N." He took the small cup and sipped on the warm liquid. 
"Ah, just what I needed." A few more sips and he looked a bit more energetic. 
"Are you ready for practice?" He asked you. You nod excitedly, "Sir, yes sir!" You salute. 
Both of you shared a laugh before heading to the grand piano. 
You took out the sheet music you printed earlier and arranged it on the music rack. 
"Have you played the song yet?" He asked. You shook your head, "Nope, sorry." You apologised. He bumped his shoulder with yours, "It's okay." 
Truthfully, Kun was nervous. He really wanted to play this piece. Why? He had no clue. It just felt right. 
He silently prayed it would finally work. 
You looked over the notes a few times, processing each bar and note. 
"Ready?" He asked. You nod, your eyes not tearing away from the sheet music. 
He began playing first and eventually you followed along. 
So far so good. He thought
The song began to form a sweet and beautiful melody that resonated around the room. Both hands working together in harmony. 
It was reaching the part where Kun would always fail but both of you went through it swiftly, not a mistake in sight. Kun's eyes widened as he couldn't hide his wide smile. 
Y/N was too focused on the song to realise her partner's reaction. As the song came to an end, both bodies began breathing heavily, as if they were dancing together. 
Kun turned to you with a full-blown smile. "I don't think we'll need that much practice. That was incredible!" He cheered. 
You laughed at your professor's cute reaction. "Surprisingly, yes. We did quite well for a first try." You agreed. 
Kun couldn't believe it. All this time, he was struggling to play this song alone or with someone else when really all he needed was you. 
"This calls for a celebration!" He clapped. He ran out of the studio, stopping by the door "Wait here!" He said excitedly. 
You giggled as you watched him run off somewhere. You sat in the studio, looking around and realising that soon, you won't be coming here anymore. 
You won't be having music evaluations all the time, or you won't get to play together as a class anymore.
And most importantly, you won't get to see Kun anymore. 
Your heart suddenly clenched at the sudden thought, you placed a hand on your chest and rubbed it to ease the tight feeling. 
Although Kun was your professor, he has always been more to you. 
An older brother? A friend? A guardian angel?
He would always listen to whatever you had to talk about, he basically knew everything about you except for your family situation. 
"Snacks for my prized student!" He ran in, bags of different kinds of snacks in hand. 
You let out a loud laugh, watching as he ran in. 
He sat down on the floor and opened the bags and placed it towards you. "Here you go!" 
Both of you began chowing down on the junks and you noticed how it was a bit too quiet for your liking. 
"Wanna play 20 questions?" You suggested. He nodded, "sounds good." He popped a chip into his mouth. "You go first." He said. 
"Okay… your favourite time of the year?" You asked. He thought about it and snapped his fingers, "I really enjoy the springtime. Everything is in bloom and the weather is just right." He explained. 
"Alright, how are you always arriving to class so much earlier than everyone else?" He asked. 
You took a piece of popcorn, "Uhm… I just like to get out of my house as fast as possible." You uttered. Kun's playful expression soon changed to a more serious and worried one. 
"What do you mean by that?" He asked. You threw a piece of popcorn to him. "That's two questions, sir. My turn first." You joked. He rolled his eyes playfully as he threw a piece of popcorn in the air and catching it with his mouth. 
"Your thoughts on soulmates and the process of finding them." You asked. 
Kun straightened up. This topic has always been a bit touchy for him and it wasn't because he doesn't believe in it but it's because he can't find his soulmate mark. He's checked every inch of his body and it was nowhere to be seen. 
"I think… soulmates are a fascinating concept. Just the thought that there's someone out there for you who will make you feel whole and loved till the end of your days is just so beautiful."
"As for the process, I wish it was easier. I wish it was something more noticeable, y' know?" 
You stared at Kun. You've never seen this side of him and you're glad you did. Kun played around with his shoelaces, a simple and cute action.
"Okay, my turn. Same question, why do you like leaving your house early?" He asked. 
You sighed, "I promised myself not to drag you into this but since you asked," you breathed out. "My relationship with my dad and step-mom is kind of… awkward." you started.
"You see, it's not like they're mean to me or anything, it's just that I wasn't really close to my dad, to begin with, and he married a lady two years ago and well, it's especially worse whenever he leaves for trips." You explained. 
"And whenever I do see my dad, it's always about work. It's really difficult for me to hold a proper conversation with them." you drank a bit of Sprite. 
"So, in short, you don't hate them, you're just not close to them…?" He asked. You nodded, "Basically." 
"Ah, I see." He continued. "What's your stepmom like?" He asked. 
You shrugged, "She's nice and all but I've never experienced a proper mother and daughter relationship so maybe that's why it's a bit hard for me to accept her. The only motherly figure I had was my grandma." 
He nodded, "That's understandable but you should give her a chance. Maybe get to know her a bit. She could be a great person." He suggested. 
You shrugged, "One day, I'll try." You said. He nodded, “Slowly but surely, Y/N.”
Many questions later and soon both of you were sprawled on the floor, full of junk food. 
"I feel so… bloated." You said. He burped, "Yeah." He agreed. 
You turned over to face him, "If someone were to pass by, they'd think we're friends and not teacher and student." You joked.
His brows furrowed as he turned to face you, his face slightly closer to yours. 
"Aren't we friends though?" He turned to you. You stared into those beautiful, brown eyes and smiled softly. 
All this time, you never knew Kun saw you as a friend. You always just thought he saw you as a friendly student but now that he said that, you couldn't help but feel your heart swell.
"Yeah, I guess we are." 
You reached home, your body still feeling a little giddy from earlier. You didn't know what it was but the way he stared at you made you feel a certain way. 
Before opening the door, you sighed. You began patting your face.
"Y/N, he probably has a soulmate and you have yours. We can't ruin the process just because of some stupid crush you have. C'mon girly, push those feelings aside for now. He's just being friendly." You told yourself. 
Walking into the house, you heard the same Italian opera but this time you heard laughter. You walked towards the laughter and saw your father and stepmom slow dancing. 
You wanted to leave them to it but you couldn't help but watch. Something about the way your father was softly caressing her hair as she rested her head on his chest made your chest warm a little. 
"Oh Y/N!" Your stepmom noticed your presence.
"Uh hi." You waved. Her cheeks were turning a soft shade of pink while your dad couldn't help but laugh. 
"No, no, keep going. Don't let me be the reason for you guys to stop. I'll be upstairs." You teased lightly as you walked up. You turned on your computer and waited for Jaemin and Renjun.
"Hey bubs, how was practice?" Renjun asked. 
You sigh, a longing looks evident on her face, “It was good." 
Kun reached home excitedly, wanting to tell Sicheng about Y/N.
"Dong Sicheng!" He called. Sicheng who was working in the kitchen peeked through the walkway, "Oh hey Kun." He walked towards Kun, keeping his glasses in his pocket. 
Kun gave Sicheng a big hug, "it worked, Y/N helped me finish the song." He said. Sicheng smiled and patted Kun's back. 
Kun began telling Sicheng about everything that happened and Sicheng noticed how there were crows feet forming at the side of Kun's eyes and how he was smiling so much.
And Kun wasn't just talking about the earlier events but he was talking about how amazing you are, as a person. 
Sicheng grinned and thought to himself, for the first time ever, Kun actually likes someone.
"So, he got your snacks after class? That's so nice!" Jaemin pouted. 
"I'll buy you snacks, love." Minseo kissed his cheek. 
Renjun made a face, "I've never felt more single." He sighed. 
You let out a laugh, "It's okay, me too." you reassured Renjun. Jaemin smacked Renjun on the back, “Dude, don’t worry she’s out there somewhere! You just gotta keep hoping and never stop believing” Jaemin gave him a side hug, “Also, here!” he gave a fat kiss on Renjun’s cheek.
“OH MY GOD JAEMIN, WHY?” Renjun screeched. Jaemin grinned, proud of himself, “You needed some love and I gave it.” he said.
Minseo looked at you and you turned to her, shaking your head. “Do you now know what I have to deal with every day?” you pointed. Minseo giggled and nodded, “They are quite a handful.” she agreed.
“You too, Y/N. Don’t give up, be patient, and hope for the best.” Renjun finally pushed Jaemin’s face away and smiled. The corner of your lip raised slightly.
“AND BY THE BEST, HE MEANS PROFESSOR QIAN!” Jaemin pushed Renjun out of the frame.
You groaned and gave yourself a facepalm, “Really, Nana?” you shook your head.
 Just as you were going to continue, you heard a faint knock on your door.
“Come in.” you press mute on your mic. Your stepmom walked in with a plate of cookies.
“Hi, dear. I made these earlier. I thought maybe you’d like to try some.” she handed the plate to you. You smiled softly, “Thank you, Lilian.” you thanked her. Her eyes widened and she tried to hide her wide smile. 
“I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything, okay? Your father had gone to play golf with a few friends.” you chuckled, “What’s new?” you joked and she laughed along. 
The door closed and you turned to the screen, Renjun and Jaemin watching you with their eyes widened and mouths hanging.
“Did… did you just have a proper conversation with her?” Renjun asked, clearly shocked. You shrugged, “She came all the way up here to give me cookies, plus, I was just thanking her.” you bit into one and it was absolutely delicious.
Slowly but surely.
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“Kun, this part is a bit confusing. Can we try again?” you asked. Kun nodded and the both of you were playing again and again but something was missing.
It wasn’t the same as the first day and both of you knew it. “What are we doing wrong?” you whispered.
“You noticed too, huh?” he asked, sweat trickling down his forehead. You nodded with scrunched brows. “I don’t get it, we were playing just fine the other day.” 
You breathed out and looked over the music sheets. “This is the fifth time we tried. What could it be?” 
Kun stood behind Y/N and stared at the piano, he was trying to figure out the solution to this.
A sudden knock scared the both of you, “Mr Qian?”, Mr Micheals, the music therapy teacher peeked into the room.
“Oh, Agus, how can I help you?” he turned. Professor Micheals didn’t seem to realise that you were there.
“I actually need you for a few minutes.” he gave Kun a knowing look. Kun’s eyes widened and he nodded, “I’ll be out in a sec,” he told Professor Micheals. 
He turned to you and he gave an apologetic look, “Y/N, I’m really sorry-”
“Wait what, no, no you don’t have to apologise. I’ll figure out what’s wrong with the song.” she smiled cutely.
He poked her cheek and grinned, running out of the studio.
She placed a hand on her cheek, at where he touched. The sudden action causing her to smile shyly, internally squealing.
She began to play the song but this time, it was much worse. On the first day, the song felt light and smooth. It was as if you were in the movie and experiencing all the magic. It was as if you were in the flower field with… him.
But today it was empty and it didn’t give you the same feeling. Why did Kun choose this song?
You decided to play a different song, for the time being. The piano solo played by Victor in Corpse Bride, your favourite.
Kun and Agus were going to walk in when he heard Y/N play a different song. She calmly pressed at the keys, the notes probably engraved in her mind.
Kun recognised the song, it was the song that caught his attention on the first day of class. The morning was cold and he was rather sleepy and would rather like to sleep in but alas, he was in the studio, having an evaluation test that was requested by their previous lecturer.
When he first called out Y/N, he didn’t think too much of her. Yes, she was very pretty and the beige overalls she wore on that day were very cute but that was all. 
It was no wonder, everyone seemed so excited to watch her play. She was… breathtakingly stunning.
And throughout that entire class, he looked up to see the young student show her talents. He looked around and noticed how engrossed her peers were as she played the song.
He was expecting to hear a classic but till this day, she has never once failed to surprise her. 
Kun watched as she played the same song, just like the first time, her expression was sad and you could tell the song meant something to her. But what?
“She really is a talented student. No wonder you chose her to play along with you.” Agus praised as he too watched by the doorway.
“Yeah, she’s incredible.”
There was a small but growing feeling in his heart that maybe, just maybe, Y/N was always meant to play this song with him all along. He didn’t need anyone else. It has always been her. 
But his heart sank at the harsh reality that someone better is out there waiting for her.
“So… why did Professor Micheals call you?” you asked. “Did you get into trouble?” you asked seriously.
He shook his head, “Mr Micheals was just informing me of something.” he waved the topic off. 
The walk to the parking lot was quiet, you were going to his house with Jaemin and Renjun a bit later. 
He walked you to your motorbike and you turned to him, "Thanks for walking me." You thanked him. He nodded, "it's the least I could do since I made you stay back." He said. 
You were going to get on but you turned to him. "We'll figure it out. I know we will." You looked at him with determination. 
"That's what I like to hear. I'll see you soon, Y/N." He spun on his heel and walked to his car. 
You smiled to yourself and wore your jacket and helmet. You made an order this morning at Kun's favourite noodle place across town. He told you he loved going there but he never had time to go. You thought it would be a nice surprise. 
You weren't planning on staying home for long, just needed a quick shower and a change of clothes.
"I'm home." You shut the door. Lilian walked in, wiping her hands with a towel. 
"Welcome home, dear." She said before massaging her head softly.
You walked towards her, "Are you alright?" You hesitantly asked. She nodded, "Of course, dear." She smiled.
"Are you sure? I have some medicine in my room if you'd like?" You offered. She shook her head, "I'm fine, Y/N. Just a little dizzy." 
You nodded, "Where's dad?" You asked. She sighed, "He had to attend a meeting in town." 
She looked down at the bags of food in your hands. 
She pointed at them, "I'm guessing you're going to Jaemin and Renjun's?" She grinned.
You shook your head, "It's a different friend. He and his housemates recently got a dog and he asked if we'd like to visit." You explained. 
She nodded and smiled, "I see. Well, tell the boys I said hi and be safe, okay?" She smiled one last time before turning around to the living room. 
You smiled, slowly but surely.
You walked to the kitchen counter and took out the two tupperwares of noodles you got for them. You got your dad's favourite beef noodle soup and potato and beef noodles. 
You took a post-it and wrote,
"bought you guys some food! I hope you like them, I might be home a bit late. :))" 
You ran to your room and took a quick shower and changed into a black turtleneck and tucked it into a pair of high waisted, beige pants.
You wore the necklace your dad bought for you and let your hair down. 
You looked at yourself, pretty proud of the look. Your eyes glanced to your medicine box. You smiled and took out the medicine that has helped you for coughing and headaches. You took your bag and skipped down the stairs. You walked back to the kitchen and placing the medicine on the note. 
You grabbed the food and placed it in between your legs as you started your motorbike. 
You heard the chatter and laughter outside their house and pressed the doorbell. 
The door opened and you were greeted by Yangyang. 
"Yangyang!" You squealed as you attacked him in a hug. 
"Hey, Y/N! Come on in, Jaemin and Renjun just arrived." You walked in and saw that everyone was preparing the food. 
"Everyone, Y/N is here!" Yangyang announced. 
Yukhei came running for you, picking you up and twirling you around. You laughed loudly, "Ah, it's good to see you again!" Yukhei gave one last squeeze. 
"I haven't seen you guys in so long." You smiled at the noisy but welcoming atmosphere. 
Xiaojun came in, Bella in his arms while Louis was playing around Hendery's feet. 
You squealed, "Oh my god, she's so small!" Xiaojun handed her to you.
You gave the puppy kisses, earning an adorable whine. You awe and tickled her little round belly.
"Okay, who is ready for some- Woah." Kun walked out of the kitchen, looking at you. 
He looked at you and his heart did a few turns. 
And the fact that you were being extremely adorable with Bella made it even better. 
You turned to Kun and waved at him. He wore a navy collared shirt, loosely tucked into a pair of black pants. 
You couldn't help but giggle at the pink mittens he was wearing. You placed Bella down and walked up to him.
"Look what I got for you!" You lifted the bag. He gasped, "But their shop is halfway across town!" His eyes widened. 
You nodded, "It's a quick trip if you go by motorbike. Plus, take it as a thank you." You handed it to him. 
He raised a brow, "what for?" He asked. 
"Well, firstly the snacks and well, for being an amazing teacher and friend." You smiled, giving him a hug. 
Before Kun could react, you walked to Renjun and Jaemin who were talking to Xiaojun and Yukhei. 
His face warmed and he ran to the kitchen where Sicheng was preparing the plates and cups. 
"What's up with you?" Sicheng asked. Kun jumped and shook his head, "Nothing, just a bit warm out there." 
Sicheng peeked outside and smirked when he saw Y/N. 
"Ah, I see. Well, I'll make sure to decrease the temperature then." He said cheekily as he walked out. 
Soon all of you were sitting around the living room and chowing down on all the good food. 
"Whoever made this, can I marry you?" You muttered without thinking.
Kun's eyes widened. Sicheng began cackling to the point he was coughing. 
"Kun made this! It's his speciality." Ten pointed at the beef and vegetable dish on the table. Your mouth fell and you turned to your two best friends who were holding in their laughter.
"Oh, uhm… it's really good!" You smiled awkwardly. 
"Thank you, Y/N." Kun looked down, hiding the now obvious red blush on his face.
It was nice seeing everyone talking, eating and overall enjoying each other's company. 
You were currently having a nice cup of coffee with Sicheng talking about random topics.
"How's practice going?" He asked. "It's been okay, I guess." 
Sicheng placed his mug down, "oh, you don't sound so pleased." He stated.
You shook your head, "no, no. Everything is good but in our recent practice sessions, the music just doesn't feel right." You explained.
"Y'know when you do something and it's perfect but for some reason, you can't do it ever again? That's what's been going on." Sicheng nodded as you spoke. 
"I can tell Kun is getting stressed out by it. He tends to blame himself for it but it's not his fault at all. I don't think I'm the right person for this." You continued.
Sicheng turned and saw Kun playing a board game with Jaemin and Hendery. 
He sighed and turned to you, "I don't know if he ever wanted to tell you this but… he's been stressed out over this song even before you played it together." 
You tilt your head to the side, "What do you mean?" 
"Kun hasn't been able to play this song by himself or with anyone else. It's like a block, he can't pass it no matter what."
"He had played it with a few other people, including myself but it never worked." 
"So, when I suggested playing it with you, he wasn't so hopeful at first. It's not because he doesn't believe in you but it's because he genuinely thought he could never play this song. When he came home telling me that you were the right person, he was beyond happy." 
"Y/N, you are the right person." He placed a hand on your shoulder. 
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You parked your motorbike out at the garage and walked in. After the little talk you had with Sicheng, it made you think. Why am I so special? How come it only worked with me? 
You walked into the house and stopped dead in your tracks. You spotted Lilian unconscious in the living room. 
"Oh my god, Lilian!" You ran to her, dropping your bag on the floor. You began slapping her face lightly, trying to wake her up. 
She was still breathing but it was very slow. You quickly called an ambulance. They gave you instructions to try and wake her up but nothing seemed to have worked. 
Soon, you heard the sirens outside your house and the paramedics ran in.
"How long has she been unconscious?" They asked. You shook your head, "I-I don't know. I just got back." You stuttered. 
They took her out and you follow behind on your motorbike. 
She was brought into the ER and you were told to wait outside. You quickly called your dad, freaking out. 
"Hello? What's the matter?" Your dad asked, slightly annoyed. 
"D-dad… please come to the hospital. Something happened to Lilian." 
He was silent before he hung up. You waited and waited and waited. No one has come out to tell you what happened. 
Your dad rushed in, looking everywhere. 
"Dad!" You ran to him. 
For the first time in years, your dad gave you a proper hug. 
"Where is she? What happened?" He asked. 
"The doctors are still checking up on her." You said. 
"Miss Y/N?" You heard someone call you. You turned and pulled your dad with you. 
"Yes, that's me." You declared. 
"Well, the good news is she's awake. She experienced a sudden drop in her blood pressure. Do you know if she's had that problem before?" The doctor asked. 
You shook your head, so did your dad. "Well, it would be best if she stays in the hospital for a while. We would just like to observe her since she's never had this problem before." He informed him. 
"Ah, thank you, doctor." You bowed a little.
Your dad turned to you as soon as the doctor left. 
"Why didn't you call me sooner?" He asked, pain in his voice. 
"I came home and she was already on the floor." You said. Before you explained further, your dad turned you to face him.
"What? You weren't at home?" He asked, his face hardening. 
"Well, yeah. I got home and I even bought you guys food. I told her that I was leaving and she told me to stay safe." You explained.
"Was she already different before?" He asked.
"She did complain about a headache but she told me not to worry about it." You added. 
Your dad's brows furrowed, "You're telling me you left her alone even when you already noticed she wasn't feeling well?" He raised his voice.
"Y-yes. She said I could go." You tried to reason. 
"That doesn't matter, Y/N! That was very irresponsible of you. What would've happened if it was worse, huh? Gosh, you only think of yourself." He yelled. 
"I get it, you don't like her but seriously, this bad?!" 
Some people were already looking at you. "Dad, please not here. People are staring." You whispered. 
"Do I look like I care? How could you do that, Y/N?" He grabbed you by the arm. 
Your eyes turned glassy, blurred by the tears. You were angry but also sad at the fact that he somehow twisted it to be your fault. 
"You wanna lecture me about being selfish? What about you? You went out to play golf with your friends! You're barely home, to begin with, and when you are you don’t care about us, About me!" You yelled back.
"Don't you ever think about how I feel, huh? You came home on my birthday, suddenly announcing you were getting married again and you didn't even ask if I was okay with that!" 
"I don't even feel like I'm at home anymore. I wish grandma was still alive so I could've lived with her instead of being stuck the both of you." You pulled your arm away. "At least, she actually loved me. You could've at least pretended like you actually cared and not just use me to brag to your friends." 
"Y/N…" he sounded hurt, maybe a bit regretful but you didn't care.
"No, don't. Just leave me alone. That's what you're good at, right?" You hissed as you ran out of the ER. 
You got onto your motorbike, starting it with tears streaming down your face. 
"I can't go home." You muttered. 
You stopped by a building and called Jaemin. 
The number you're trying to reach is currently busy. Please try again.
You pressed Renjun’s number this time and it was the same. 
Whose place could you stay at for now?
Then suddenly, the very person you knew you needed the most popped up on your mind. 
You pressed his number, silently praying he'd pick up. 
"Miss me already?" He answered in a playful manner. You let out a sigh of relief. 
"Kun?" Your voice broke a bit. 
Kun shifted from his seat. "Y/N… what's wrong?" He asked, noticing the sound of sniffling.
"I… can I come over?" She asked. 
"Of course, where are you? I'll come to get you." He stood up.
"N-no, it's okay. I'll be there in a few minutes. I need to get some stuff anyway."
She hung up and Kun immediately ran to the guest room. Hendery and Xiaojun who were up were curious about the noise and checked on Kun.
"Everything okay here?" Hendery asked. 
"Y/N's staying over." Was all Kun said as he replaced the bed sheets and pillowcases. 
"Wait what? Is that allowed?" Xiaojun asked.
Kun stopped whatever he was doing and thought about it. 
"No… it isn't but she sounded like she needs help and I hope you guys are okay with that." 
"Oh dude, of course, we are. I'm just worried that it would affect both of you, y' know since she's your student." Xiaojun explained himself. 
Kun had forgotten that Y/N was his student. They were both so comfortable with each other, they just sought like close friends. 
"Thanks, Xiaojun." He smiled. "And we just have to pray nobody finds out."
Xiaojun and Hendery helped Kun tidy the room up when Sicheng suddenly walked in.
"What's going on?" He asked, clearly confused.
"Y/N is coming." Hendery simply answered as he pulled the bed sheet to straighten it.
Sicheng turned to Kun. "This late?" He crossed his hands over his chest. 
"Yeah, seemed pretty serious." He replied.
Sicheng smirked again, "I see, I see. No funny business, now Kun." Sicheng turned around as he walked out.
Wait for what? He paused.
"How did you - oh fuck." He plopped on the bed. Was he that obvious?
Xiaojun cocked his head and turned to Kun, who was really questioning everything.
"No…" Xiaojun covered his mouth. "NO FUCKING WAY!" he said. 
"Can you quiet down?" Kun smacked his shoulder. 
"THIS MAKES ME WORRY EVEN MORE." he pointed at Kun. 
Hendery who was still confused finally caught on. "OH MY GOD, YOU LIKE HER DON'T YOU?" Hendery screamed. "Why didn't you tell us?" He asked as he giggled. 
"Because I knew you'd react that way." He sighed as he rubbed his face.
"Whatever, we'll talk about this another time. She'll be here anytime now and-" they froze as the doorbell went off. 
Kun pushed Hendery out of the way and ran down the stairs. 
He quickly opened the door and his heart dropped. 
Y/N's was clearly red and puffy from crying, she had some makeup smudged and she looked like she could barely talk.
Kun pulled her into the house, giving her a tight hug. 
This was the second hug they shared in one day. The first one was quick and barely meant anything but this one, was warmth and worry.
"C'mon." He tried to pull away but Y/N pulled him back and wrapped her hands around his waist.
"Wait… a bit longer please." She whispered. Kun sighed and hugged her even tighter. 
He placed his chin on the top of her head while she rested her cheek on his warm chest. 
She finally pulled away and looked up. "Thank you." Was all she said. 
He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, "Anything for you." He smiled. 
Both of them walked up to the guest room and Kun let her settle in.
Kun walked into his bedroom, sitting on his bed before finally lying down.
So many thoughts were going through his head but he had to wait for her to open up when she was comfortable enough.
You heard the soft chatter and bustle downstairs and you thought it was best to get up and freshen up a bit.
You looked into the mirror and hissed at your appearance. Your eyes had gotten red and puffy from all that crying. You didn’t even bother washing your face before passing out.
Kun had prepared quite a big breakfast since it was the weekend. Yukhei walked in, still in a robe as he yawned.
“There’s so much food!” he said excitedly. Sicheng drank his tea, “We had a late-night guest and Kun wants her to feel very welcomed.” Sicheng opened the newspapers and crossed his legs.
Kun came behind Sicheng and smacked the back of his head, “Quit it, yeah?” he said with clenched teeth.
“Can’t help it, Kun. It's the first time you’ve ever liked a girl. The best part is that all of us know her.” Hendery defended Sicheng as he grabbed a piece of toast.
“Woah, Woah, Kun likes someone? And we’ve met her? And she’s here?” Yukhei questioned. Hendery nodded and Sicheng smirked.
Kun groaned, “Seriously guys? Stop it, it’s never gonna happen.” he waved his spatula in the air.
“Who is it?” Yukhei whined.
“How are you so sure it will never happen?” Sicheng countered.
“Because she doesn’t feel the same? And it’s wrong in many ways like firstly, I’m her lecturer and two, she probably has a soulmate.”
“Who is it??” Yukhei kept asking, jumping around in his seat.
“How is it wrong if it’s true love?” Hendery replied.
“Because it would be true love if it went both ways. She doesn’t like me like that, now drop. It.” Kun said seriously.
“FOR FUCK SAKE WHO IS THIS GIRL?” Yukhei finally stood up and yelled.
“What’s going on?” they heard a small voice. Yukhei turned around and froze. 
He slowly turned to Kun, shock evident in his face. He began stuttering and pointing at Y/N.
Before he could say anything Xiaojun swiftly covered his mouth and pulled him to the kitchen. Kun smiled awkwardly, “Uhm, I’ll go get the rest of the food.” He scratched the back of his neck before running into the kitchen.
Upon Kun’s arrival, Yukhei began to freak out.
“KUN, WHAT THE FUCK?” Lucas nearly screamed before the two other shushed him.
“I know but it’s complicated, okay?” Kun replied back.
“No, I meant WHAT THE FUCK WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME SOONER?” he repeatedly smacked Kun on the back.
“How come they got to know before I did?” he asked, slightly offended. 
“Wh..what?? You’re mad because of that?” his shoulders drooped. Yukhei nodded, “Yeah man. I always had a feeling that there was something going on between the two of you. Like, have you seen the way both of you interact?”
Kun sighed as he leaned against the counter, “I thought you were disappointed in me.” Kun confessed.
“Why would I be disappointed? I mean, I’m lowkey worried if you get fired but you’re both grown adults, you’re only four years older than her. Plus, what if she was your soulmate?” Yukhei questions.
Kun looked taken aback. If Y/n was his soulmate, he was pretty sure they would’ve realised by now. 
“Don’t give me hope,” Kun muttered.
“No, seriously think about it. What if Y/N do like you too but you can’t see it? Stop putting yourself down like that.” Yukhei walked up to Kun and placed a hand on his shoulder. 
“Thanks, Yukhei but I highly doubt it. Now, c’mon before they get curious.” he walked out.
Y/N bit into the slice of buttered toast and hummed at the warm and melted butter.
“You okay, kiddo?” Sicheng rested his arms on the table.
You shrugged, “I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to go back home for a bit.”
“Hey, it’s okay. Just stay here until you feel ready to go back.”
“Thank you, Sicheng.” you smiled warmly.
Kun finally walked out and this was the most casual you’ve ever seen him. He wore a white sweater paired with black sweats. 
“Morning.” he greeted. You smiled, “Morning, Kun.” he took the seat next to yours.
“So, what do you guys usually do on the weekends?” you asked.
Hendery shrugged, “we usually hang out and do our own thing. Sometimes, we go out together.” you nodded, chewing slowly on your toast.
“We weren’t planning on doing much this weekend though. So it might get a bit boring.” Yukhei mentioned.
“It’s alright. I’ll probably play with Bella and Louis if I’m bored.” you smiled. 
“You can call Jaemin and Renjun if you like,” Sicheng added.
“Oh no, they’ve gone to Jaemin’s hometown for the weekend. Jaemin wanted to introduce his soulmate to his parents,” you said. “Renjun followed for support.” 
The men all awed, “That’s really nice. Tell him we wish him good luck.” Hendery exclaimed.
You began talking with everyone comfortably, smiling and laughing once in a while.
Kun smiled at how perfectly you fit into this situation. Having breakfast with him and his best friends, chatting about, quite sleepily.
And it made him wonder, would life be this great if Y/N stayed in it?
Y/N turned to Kun who was adding his inputs once in a while, chuckling along to whatever joke Yukhei had made.  Smiling and shaking his head once in a while with his messy hair and black slippers.
Her mind began to drift into thinking of how nice her life would be if Kun was in it. Not just until graduation but for much, much longer. 
You liked him and you were too scared to admit it because you were scared of rejection and being pushed away once someone better comes along in his life.
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It was your second week there and you were adamant on paying rent but the boys didn’t allow it. Instead, you pay in the form of doing chores. The boys had stopped you several times but they gave up after realising there was nothing stopping you. You and Kun also continued with practice but you still faced the same problem.
 You were currently studying at the dining table when Kun walked downstairs.
“Hey, what are you studying?” he sat next to you.
“Music history and therapy.” you sighed as you looked at him. At this point, both of you were comfortable to the point of cuddling on the sofa while watching movies or him letting you borrow his hoodies.
And to be honest, you don’t want things to change. 
“Do you need help?” he asked. You shook your head, “I’m good. Also, Kun can we continue practising later?” you asked.
He hummed, “If you mean tonight, then sure.” he stood up.
You looked at him in confusion, “I actually wanted to practice after studying.” you suggested.
“Ah, no can do, Y/N. we’re all going out.” he grinned.
“Oh, where are we going?” you asked. You got up. He wiggled his eyebrows, “You’ll see~ Just wear something casual.” he walked back up.
“So, nobody is telling me where we’re going?” you asked. Kun shook his head, “Nope! It’s a surprise.” he grinned as he drove.
Yukhei and Ten sat behind, laughing among themselves.
“Do you realise something?” you asked. He hummed, “What?”
“Study week is a week from now,” you said. 
He turned to you and nodded, “What about it?”
“It means, I’m gonna be graduating soon,” you added. 
“Aren’t you happy about that though?” he smiled. You shrugged and faced the window.
“I don’t know really. I mean, besides studying, I had a great time.” Kun snorted at your previous comment.
“I have two amazing best friends, my classmates weren’t problematic and I have a pretty cool teacher who cares about me alot.”
Kun grinned smugly, “Ah, who is this ‘pretty cool teacher, eh Y/N?” he turned to you.
You thought about it, “Madam Lim, without a doubt.” you joked.
Kun’s face dropped and he began to pout, “Ah, I see. Well, I guess your rant the other day doesn’t mean much to you anymore, huh?” he replied.
You gasped, “Oh no, I’m still mad about her calling me out like that.” you smirked. He rolled his eyes causing both of you to laugh.
“I’m gonna miss you,” you said. Kun’s face soften,
“You can always visit, y’ know? I’m pretty sure you’re an honorary roommate now.”
“Mhm, that’s true,” Yukhei said. 
“Definitely.” Ten added.
“Thanks, guys.” you turned behind. 
“It’s not gonna be the same y’ know?” you sighed. “I see you almost every day. Even when I don’t have class, I’ll always bump into you.” 
He sighed and smiled, “I know, Y/N. I’m gonna miss you and your large appetite.” he took one hand off the steering wheel to pat your head. You giggled, “I like head pats.” 
He raised a brow, “You do? Well, I should pat your head more often.” he smiled.
You giggled and shook your head.
You thought about your life after uni. You’ll have to find a job, hopefully, move somewhere.
But the worst of all, you won’t get to see Kun as much as you’d like to. Your heart hurt at the thought. He’s been there for you ever since he came to teach and you couldn't imagine life without him in it.
“We’re here!” Ten points. To your right, you saw bright and colourful lights and your eyes widened. You grabbed his arm, “Are we… at the lantern festival?”
He nodded proudly, “I remembered you told me your grandmother used to bring you but he stopped. I thought it would be nice to bring you.” he chuckled.
“KUN!” you whined cutely, “That’s so sweet. I can’t believe you remembered.” he couldn’t see it but you were blushing like crazy.
Kun rolled up his black sweater sleeves, turned and placed a hand behind your headrest to park. 
With the beautiful lights reflecting onto his face, he looked like he jumped out of a romantic drama.
You felt incredibly small when he did that and the only thing going through your head was,
Oh my god, that’s so hot
Ten and Yukhei cheered as they ran out of the car. Kun turned back and unbuckled his seatbelt.
He turned to you and waved his hand in front of your face, “Y/N? We’re here.” he said.
“Huh?” you snapped out of your trance, “Oh, we’re here.” you looked around.
He chuckled and nodded, “Yeah, we are.” Kun opened his door and walked over to yours. He opened the door and held his hand out. You grabbed it and got out.
The other boys waited for both of you.
Sicheng and Yukhei nudged each other, giggling. Kun narrowed his eyes, signalling for them to stop.
“Hey, what’s so funny?” you asked innocently. Sicheng shook his head, “Nothing, Yukhei just pointed at something funny.” Sicheng answered calmly.
Yangyang and Ten were jumping out of excitement, they were already running around and looked around in awe, amazed at the colourful lights.
You walked side by side with Kun, reminiscing the times you walked around with your grandmother. 
“I remembered having so much fun and grandma had to chase me around because I would run off without her realising,” you mentioned.
“Ah, your poor grandmother’s kneecaps.” he hissed. You lightly bumped into him, “She was a strong old lady. She’d wack, my dad if she had to.” you chuckled.
“Do you remember the song I played on the first day of class?” you asked.
He nodded, “Yeah, it was from The Corpse Bride right?” he asked
“Yeah, well that was my favourite movie when I was a kid. My grandma taught me that song.” you reminisced.
“Could you believe that was the first-ever song I learnt? She was tough but loving. I basically started playing with songs from movies.” 
“But nowadays, I can’t watch that movie without crying. I miss her alot,” you said.
“She would be very proud of you, Y/N.” 
“I hope she is.” 
You admired the beautiful lights and lanterns. Families and couples were enjoying themselves. Kids were all running around, even Yangyang and Ten.
Kun kept looking at her, “Y/N, do you plan on going back home?” he asked, a bit more serious than usual.
You eyed him, “Planning on kicking me out, sir?” you asked. 
“No, I like having you around but… why did you leave, exactly?” 
Y/N hasn’t opened up about what had happened and he thought it was best to finally ask. 
“Hmm, how about I tell you later when we’re practising?” you sighed, “I’d like to enjoy this.”
“Of course, whenever is fine.” Kun smiled and they continued walking around.
The boys were all pushing and playing around, you and Kun just watched from behind.
“This is really nice.” you breathed in. 
“Yeah, it is.”
“Kun, they’re lighting lanterns!” Yangyang called.
“Shall we?” he pointed. You nodded enthusiastically, grabbing his hand and running to the area.
“C’mon, write a wish!” Hendery pointed at the lanterns. 
You and Kun paid for your lanterns and began writing. 
Everyone began hanging your lanterns on the wall, alongside the hundreds of other lanterns.
“What did you wish for?” he asked. You shook your head, "It won't come true if I tell you, dummy." You teased.
You looked around and sighed, "Sure is beautiful, isn't it?" You smiled softly.
"Yeah, it is." 
As your eyes were on the colourful lanterns, his were on you, the entire time. 
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"Okay, we'll do one round and we'll continue another time, okay?" You offered. 
"Sounds good. I'm pretty sleepy, not gonna lie." He yawned. 
Both of you sat closely, breathing in and beginning in sync.
Still no changes. You shrugged, "It's okay. We still have more time." You smiled.
He sighed, quite disappointingly. 
You nudged him, "I think it's time to tell you about what happened with my parents." 
"Well, before the potluck, my stepmom mentioned her having a headache but she told me I could, y' know to go for the potluck anyways. Well, she fainted due to low blood pressure and my dad decided it would be better if he blamed it on me."
Kun's eyebrows furrowed, clearly irritated.
"All I want is to be loved. Yes, I have Jaemin and Renjun but I don't know what familial love is and it sucks because I want to know what it feels like to have a loving family but I don't know what family is…" a tear fell from your face.
Kun immediately pulled you in for a hug, stroking your hair gently. 
"Hey... hey. I'm here, I'm here." He whispered.
"My dad was never there for me and my mom passed away before anything happened in my life. I just… I feel so lonely." You said. "Maybe I was destined to be alone forever." 
Kun pulled you so you were facing him. He stroked your cheek with his thumb, "Listen to me, you're not alone. You have amazing friends who are willing to do anything for you. And I hope… someone special will come into your life and show you what love and family truly is." He ended. 
"Kun, I don't even think I have a soulmate." You coughed. 
"What? No, Y/N everyone does. You just need to be patient." He kissed the top of your head lightly. 
You sobbed even harder, "I don't even have a soulmate mark, Kun." You admitted. 
Kun's heart dropped, he thought he was the only one who couldn't find his mark. 
He breathed in and faced you again, "Y/N, did you know that yellow is the rarest colour for soulmates to achieve?" He asked. 
You looked up, "What?" 
He nodded and hugged you tighter than before. He placed his chin on your head and rubbed your back.
"It is stated that soulmates who get the colour yellow are said to be so perfect, it's impossible to ever separate them because they have achieved true happiness, together with each other. With normal people, you could easily bump into your soulmate on the street and have no idea who they are but with this special group are blessed to have already known their soulmate." He rocked you back and forth. 
He looked down and saw that her eyes had shut, sleeping soundly. 
He chuckled, "And I wish, you'll meet your soulmate with the colour yellow." 
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Your exams were going to be for a week, and you were a nervous wreck. 
You called Jaemin and Renjun, initially to study but you guys ended up talking. 
“Wait, so your soulmate is Jaemin’s childhood neighbour?” you giggled.
“Yeah! We both got red.” 
“Red? What were you arguing about?” you asked.
“You won’t believe it, they were fighting over peaches.” jaemin sighed. 
“In my defence, she took the ripest one just as I was going to pick it.” 
“Only you, Renjun. Only you.” you chuckled.
Jaemin went quiet for a while, his brows furrowing as he looked at you.
"Y/N, where are you?" Jaemin asked. "We've been calling since a few weeks ago and I know for a fact that’s, not your room." 
You suck in a breath, "I never mentioned it huh?" You asked nervously.
"Mentioned what, exactly?" Renjun asked. "Bubs, where are you?" He asked, a bit more worried. 
"Well, I'm obviously not home because I, uh had a fight with my dad and I'm actually at… kunzhouseh." You mumble at the end. 
"What?" Jaemin asked.
"I'm… at kunshouse." You mumbled again.
"Speak louder, woman!" Renjun yelled. 
"I’M STAYING AT KUN'S HOUSE!" you finally said. 
"WHAT?!" they both said in unison. 
"Well, you guys weren't home and well, he was the only person I could think of." You said softly. 
"How long have you been staying there?" Jaemin asked.
"...I think we're about to reach a month." You replied. 
The two of them looked at you and began screaming.
"AND WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL US THIS?" 
"YOU'VE BEEN FULFILLING OUR SHIP AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL US?"
"Guys, calm down!" You panicked.
"HUSH, TELL US EVERYTHING. RIGHT NOW." 
You were going to explain your situation when you heard a knock. 
"Come in!" You said. 
Kun peeked through the door, "Hey, it's dinner time." He said, walking towards your bed. 
"Oh my god, is that Professor Qian?" Jaemin asked. 
Kun popped up into the screen and waved, "Hey guys." He greeted them. 
The two of them were trying their best not to scream and waved back. 
"I'll see you downstairs, yeah?" He tapped your shoulder. 
"Will do." You replied meekly. 
At the sound of the door shutting the two of them began fanboying ridiculously, "I can't believe it, it's actually happening." Renjun panted. 
"Whatever, I'll talk to you guys later." You pressed the hang-up button and went down for dinner. 
You were washing the plates when you felt someone poke your side. "Shouldn't you be studying?" Kun asked. "Let me do the dishes." He said. 
"No, no. You already prepared dinner. It's the least I could do." You said. 
"We'll do it together, okay?" He bumped your hip to the side. 
"I'll soap, you rinse?" He suggested. You hum and continued washing it quietly. 
You suddenly chuckled at a thought.
"What is it?" He asked. 
You shook your head, giggling "It's nothing." 
“C’mon, tell me.” he bumped his hip with yours.
“I was just thinking of when we started getting close,” you told him.
“Miss Y/L/N, I’m pretty sure that’s the last thing any of your lecturers would like to see.” he stared at the girl who was lying down on the floor of the studio. Y/N jumped at the sudden voice.
“Sorry, sir. I was just listening to a song I wanted to play.” you sat up and pulled your earphones off.
“What song is it?” Kun asked, walking to his desk and putting on his glasses.
“Just some song from a movie.” you packed your satchel and looped it around your body.
He rolled his eyes, “Miss Y/L/N, I would’ve expected a classic from you. It’s a better practice than some… meaningless soundtrack.” he pushed his glasses to sit on the bridge of his nose comfortably.
“Really?” you smirked, slightly taken aback.
“Of course. You’re smart enough to know that you should master the classics first.” 
You walked to his table and cocked your head to the side, “I think you’re wrong.” you stated confidently.
“Pardon?” he furrowed his brows and took off his glasses.
“Music is so broad and different, it’s not fair that we only pay attention to one type of genre.”
You replied.
“I’m merely teaching you what my teachers thought me.” he leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest.
“Okay, sir. New lesson, what’s the meaning behind this song?” you jogged to the piano and began playing Fur Elise. 
Kun was surprised to hear you play it so professionally. 
“So?” you asked.
“Well, it means you don’t need that much practice anymore,” he remarked.
You gave him a look and he raised his hands in defence.
“The song was thought to be written for Therese, a woman that Beethoven wanted to marry in 1810, however, his handwriting was misspelt undergoing transcription, allowing the piece to be known as Fur Elise rather the Fur Therese,” he said cooly.
“Okay, so that’s what you learned right?” you asked.
“Where are you going with this, Miss Y/L/N?” he rubbed his face.
“Now, what’s a movie you watched recently?” you asked.
He thought about it, “How to train your dragon, the second one to be exact.” 
You scrunched your eyebrows, “Wow, I didn’t think you liked watching cartoons.” you said.
“My housemates wanted to watch it,” he answered.
“Ah, well perfect actually.” 
You began playing For the Dancing and Dreaming, the song Stoik and Valka sang together. 
You played the song with two hands, making it sound sweeter than ever.
“That’s the song Stoik sang to Valka. Their wedding song,” he said. 
You nodded, “Yes, and what did you remember about this song?” you asked.
“That he promised to love her for eternity.” he finally said. “I really have no idea what you’re doing.”
“Professor, don’t you realise something? Fur Elise was about a man who wrote a song about a girl, who was his student. She declined his proposal and didn’t end up marrying her.” 
“But For the Dancing and Dreaming was about a couple who promised their loyalty and love even after they part. Stoic never stopped loving Valka till the end. Both songs had deep meanings behind them and they both had a similar theme. Love. ” 
“So, yes maybe classics is what you were thought but why keep it there? What’s so wrong about starting fresh and learning something different? To say that soundtracks are meaningless is quite wrong, the songs usually reflect the stories of the characters.” you smiled at the end.
Kun was speechless, all his life he never delved into playing songs besides the ones he was thought or songs from ages ago. He looked at the student across from him, how did she manage to open his eyes so quickly.
“For a second-year student, you’re very wise,” he admitted.
You shrugged, “I just never understood why we had to keep it the same for so long. Change isn’t always bad, y’ know.” 
 The following week, Kun was handing out different sheet music to the students.
Everyone’s eyes nearly popped out of their sockets, he had given a piece from Beauty and The Beast.
“How about we change things up a bit, huh?” he smiled at everyone, his eyes especially focusing on you.
“I’m guessing the talk we had stuck with you, huh?” you walked to his desk after class. He arranged some papers, “Yeah, it did. I guess I wanted my lecturers to do the same but they were to old school to change anything. I’m glad you opened my eyes, Miss Y/L/N.” he bowed his head slightly.
“No problem, Mr Qian. and also, you can call me Y/N. I don’t particularly like my last name.” you admitted.
He nodded and raised his hand, “Well, thanks for the talk, Y/N.” your name rolling off his tongue smoothly.
You grinned, “No problem Mr Qian Kun.” his eyes widened,
“How do you know my first name?” the corner of his mouth raised.
“I heard the Dean call you that. Nice name by the way.” you complimented.
“Can I call you Kun?” you asked. He looked quite surprised at your question.
“I… I guess?” he stuttered.
“Great, well nice talking to you Kun!” you turned around.
“Only outside of class!” he commented. You nodded and waved at him from the back.
“You still never listen to me, huh?” he stated.
“What do you mean?” you laughed. He elbowed you gently, “I meant by you always sit with your feet on the table and you call me Kun in class anyways.” he said.
You chuckled, “Yes, I’m guilty.” you confessed. Both of you shared a moment of laughter.
“It’s only with you, though.” you smiled as you rinsed the cup he passed to you.
He soaped the last spoon and handed to you, “What do you mean by that?” he asked, with a raised brow and a curious smile.
“I only sit around like that when it’s only your class and I only call you by your first name.” you took the spoon from him.
“Really? Wow, I should’ve been stricter with you.” he teased. You shook your head and rolled your eyes playfully, “No, I didn’t mean that you weren’t serious enough. I meant…”
“I like you, Kun.” 
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Kun’s playful manner vanished and he was now facing you, “What?”
“Not as a friend or a teacher. I like you, like alot for a while now.”
Kun’s heart was beating faster than he could ever imagine. She likes him too? 
“And I know you might reject me but-” before you could continue, Kun gave you a quick peck on the lip.
You were so shocked about what happened, you instantly froze. Kun pulled back and scratched the back of his neck, “Me too, Y/N. Me too.” he admitted.
You giggled and smiled, you quickly wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him again, a bit longer this time. 
“You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that,” you whispered. Kun smiled and wrapped an arm around your waist while the other hand, held the back of your neck
It felt so natural to be in his arms, to be this close and it felt so perfect.
The next morning, you woke up and got out of bed. As you walked out of the room, you bumped into him. 
He looked down and smiled, "Morning, lovely.” he greeted as he pushed a piece of hair behind your ear.
“Mm, good morning.” you wrapped your arms around his waist, resting on his chest.
“How did you sleep?” he asked, placing his hands on your shoulders. 
“Like a baby.” you scrunch your nose. He chuckled when you heard a cough behind you.
“Well, I guess we can say that it’s finally official. We’ll see you downstairs.” Yukhei said, pulling along a speechless Yangyang and Ten.
You blushed as Kun wrapped his arms around your head, hiding you from his roommates.
You walked to class excitedly. Today, Kun decided to leave early so that he can drive both of you to uni without anyone catching you.
He yawned loudly, and you giggled. “I’m proud of you for coming early,” you said. He nodded sleepily, “I wanted to take a drive with you.” he smiled. 
“And I appreciate the gesture.” you gave him a kiss on the cheek.
You reached the studio and ran to the piano, “Hey, how about a short practice?” you asked.
He agreed and you pulled him to the piano. 
You began playing and sadly, still no luck. 
You nudged him, “Just ignore it, we’ll be fine.” you leaned your head on his shoulder. He smiled and gently patted your head.
Kun continued yawning and you chuckled, “I’m going to grab a coffee. Do you want one?” you asked. He nodded, “that would be lovely, thank you.” 
“Be right back!” you kissed him on the lip and ran out. 
You were thinking of how great things were and you prayed they never change. 
When you walked back to class, you heard someone else in the class.
You stood outside, not wanting to interrupt. 
“Kun, he wants you in Slovenia by the end of the month. I can’t negotiate anymore.” it was Professor Micheals. "If we postpone it, you'll lose this." 
“Agus, please. Just by graduation. I promised my students I’ll see them graduate.” he begged.
“Kun, You agreed to resign this job so you could have your own concerts. This is the one time you’re ever getting an offer like this and you’re pushing it away?” he raised his voice.
"I'm not sure I even want to do this anymore." He admitted. 
"You can't be fucking serious…" Professor Micheals groaned. 
"I found someone and I'm not ready to leave her. I won't do that to her." 
"Well, you better figure out if you'd rather pick love or your dreams. Time is running out, Kun. You must hurry." 
your heart dropped, and your mind was filled with different thoughts.
He’s leaving?
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The class went by and Kun mentioned a few things for the exams before class ended.
Everyone thanked him before leaving class.
"Y/N!" He called.
"Hey, you okay?" He asked, noticing how quiet you went after coming back. 
"Uh, yeah. I just don't feel too great." You said.
"Oh no, do you want me to send you home? It'll only take a few minutes." He grabbed your hands. 
"No, no. I'll take a cab or something. Your students are much more important." You let go and turned. 
"Oh, well if you need anything please tell me." He reminded. 
That's strange, She was fine this morning, what happened? He thought.
Kun couldn't wait to get home and snuggle with Y/N. 
He was overjoyed when he realised she shared the same feelings as him. 
But for now, he'll take it slow and give her all the love she deserved.
He unlocked the door and walked to the kitchen. To his surprise, Y/N was on her phone while eating something.
He hugged her from behind which spooked her a bit. 
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." He kissed the top of her head. 
"It's not a problem." You smiled. Kun stayed in the same position when he noticed what Y/N was looking at.
Apartments in the area
"Why are you looking for apartments?" He asked. 
"Well, I'm going to have to move out one day. Might as well get ready soon." You replied. Kun let go of you and sat next to you. 
"But you can stay here. Especially since we're… yknow?" He pointed out. 
You turned to him, your face slightly guilty. 
"Kun… I heard what you were talking about with Mr Micheals." You admitted, avoiding eye contact. 
It all dawned on him, that's why she was so quiet. 
"Ah…" he furrowed his brows. "How much did you hear?" He asked. 
You got up and walked to the sink, "That you'll have to move to Slovenia by the end of the month." You said. 
He stood behind you, "Princess, please understand, I'm trying my best to push the date." He reasoned. 
"Kun, I do understand. Which is why I'm telling you to go." You said. 
Kun stared at you, "What? Y/N, no I'm not gonna leave you. I won't be able to come back for a long time." He said. 
"Kun, that's not fair on you! Maybe I'll be happy but what about you? What if things don't work out and you totally missed your chance at being an international musician?" You said.
"Kun, I'm not saying we have to end whatever this is just cause you're moving but if it does happen, at least I know you fulfilled your dreams." You reasoned. 
"What's the use of doing it if you're not there with me? What dream if you're not in it?" He said, his voice broke.
"Kun, are you hearing yourself? Don't risk things for me!" you raised your voice. 
"But I want to! I want to love you and show your love in so many ways. Don't talk about ending it please." He begged. 
"Kun, we both know we can't avoid that. like you said to me, you'll have someone out there, far better than me." Tears fell, covering your cheeks. 
"Why do you make it sound like you don't want to be with me?" He asked tears on the verge of falling. 
"I do! I really do and it breaks my heart knowing that you've worked so hard for this but you're giving it up for me!" 
"Then don't tell me to go, not yet." 
"Kun…" you whined. He got up, his back facing you.
"No… we're going to talk about this later. We're both frustrated and I don't want to argue." Kun finally said as he walked out of the kitchen.
You fell to the floor, hugging your knees. You didn't know what to do to get through him. 
I don't want to be the reason you won't get to fulfil your dreams. 
You finished the paper and handed it to Mr Micheals who smiled at you. 
You walked out of the class and sighed. That was your last paper of the week. You smiled, relief washing over you.
You also haven't spoken to Kun for a week. He kept pushing the idea of having a soulmate, why won't he accept that he is out there as well?
You walked out of campus when suddenly you heard your name. You turned and sucked in a breath. 
It was Lilian. "Y/N, hey." She walked towards you. 
"Oh, Lilian. Hi, uh what are you doing here?" You asked. 
Well, aint this awkward?
"I wanted to talk to you. Y'know, since you've been gone for almost two months." She stated. 
You scatch the back of your neck, "Yeah… I'm really sorry about that." 
"No, no. I wanted to ask you why it happened. I don't want to just hear your father's side of the story, that won’t be fair." She said. 
She held your hand, "Shall we?" She asked. 
You nodded and followed her. 
You were awkwardly drinking your tea when she came back to the gable with two slices of cake. 
"Here you go. Now, how are you?" She asked. 
All this time, Lilian has always paid a lot of attention to you because she actually cared. She didn't completely ignore you after marrying your dad. She made an effort to get to know you. 
"I'm…" you were going to lie but your face betrayed you. 
"I don't think I'm fine." You admitted. Her face instantly changed to a worried one. 
"Oh my dear, what happened?" 
You breathed in and told her everything that has happened. She listened to everything closely, not interrupting you at all. 
She held your hand and squeezed it gently. 
"Y/N, I'm so sorry you had to go through that." She apologised. "You didn't deserve that and your father was being very unfair." She said. 
The shock was evident on your face, "Wait… you're not going to side with him?" You asked.
She shook her head, "Your father may be my soulmate but that doesn't mean I have to side with him for everything." She sipped on her coffee. 
Your eyes widened and you choked on your tea. "Wh-what? You're dad's soulmate?" 
She placed the cup down, "Honey, I thought you knew? That's why we got married so quickly." She passed a tissue to you. 
You shook your head, "I'm not close enough with him to tell me anything." You played with the sleeves of your sweater. 
You sat down quietly, it made so much more sense now. All this time, you thought she married him for his money. 
But you also realised that your mom wasn't his soulmate.
"So, my mom…?" Lilian knew where you were heading and she shook your head. 
"I should've let your father tell you this but since I'm not sure when you’re going to see him again." 
"As much as your father adored your mother, she wasn't his soulmate. Your mother's father helped your father with his business and in return, he asked for him to marry his daughter." 
You breathed out, head spinning a bit. All this time, you thought your mother and father were so deeply in love but in actual fact, they weren't. 
And your mother died too early in her life to meet her actual soulmate. 
"What's it like? To have a soulmate?" You asked her. 
She thought about it and smiled, "Well, you feel… complete. You'll realise that you'll bring the best out of each other and only want to support them and their dreams." At the sound of that, your face fell. 
Kun wasn't your soulmate and you didn't understand why he was so against leaving you for his dreams. He has a soulmate waiting for him somewhere and he was ready to risk everything… for you. 
No, you couldn't let this happen. You had to leave the house, you had to leave him.
You reached home quickly after meeting Lilian. So far, everyone wasn't back from work yet and you thought that it was the best time to pack up. 
Thankfully, you didn't bring alot of things with you so packing was a breeze. 
Once everything was in your backpack, you looked over at the empty room that you stayed in. It was a simple room but you found so much joy and love staying in this house. 
You suddenly heard a bit of noise downstairs. You froze, scared that it was Kun. You walked out to see Sicheng walking up the stairs.
He hadn't realised your presence so when he saw you he jumped a bit. 
"Oh, it's just you." He smiled. But his face fell as soon as he noticed the empty and clean room.
"Y/N, what are you doing?" He asked wearily. You sighed and gave him a hug. 
"Don't tell Kun." You whispered. He knew what was happening. 
"Why?" He asked. You sighed, "I don't want to do this either. I love staying here with all of you but if me leaving is what it takes for him to go to Slovenia then I'll do it."
"Y/N, i don't think you realise how incredibly selfish this sounds." 
You scoff, "How? I want him to do what he wants and suddenly I'm the selfish one?" You raised your voice. 
"No Y/N, you're being selfish by leaving without even settling the topic with him." He replied. "Do you think he's going to be fine after all this happens? You're the first girl he's ever loved and how do you think he's going to feel when he realises you’re not home and that you left without even saying anything." 
You paused before continuing, "Kun… loves me?" You asked. 
"Of course he does! Have you not realised how much he cared for you? Y/N he was willing to give up everything after the two of you got together. Did you think you could hide it? All of us could see the love between the two of you." 
You massaged your temples, "Sicheng, you do realise if you stop me from leaving, Kun won't ever be able to leave for Slovenia." You said. 
"No, there are other ways you could do this. You don't have to leave him." 
"You were going to leave?" A sudden voice scared the both of you. 
There he was, eyebags forming under his eyes. 
"You were going to leave… without saying goodbye?" He walked closer to you. 
"Kun…" 
"No, I want to know why you thought that would've been a good idea?" He asked, his voice bouncing off the walls. 
"You said you wouldn't leave me so the only way for you to go was if-"
"If you left me?" He asked, his voice showing hurt. 
You nodded, too embarrassed to look at him. 
"For fuck sake." He sighed, before pulling your hand into your room and shutting the door behind him. 
"I swear, they'll be the death of me." Sicheng sighed as he walked into his room. 
"We are going to sit in here until we figure out a solution." He said. 
"Kun this isn't just because I want you to go. You have a soulmate out there and what if she was in Slovenia, huh?" You asked. 
"Y/N, I don't have a soulmate!" He yelled. "Do I look like I have a mark?.\" He yelled. 
"W-what?" You stuttered. "You don't have a mark too?" 
He sat beside you and held your hands, "Y/N, you make me so happy and I can't imagine life without you." 
"But Kun, I can't be happy knowing that you didn't go to Slovenia because of me." 
"Then I'll go. We'll do long distance, I'll do everything to make sure we're happy. Just, don't end it please." He hugged you, his head on your shoulder. 
You hugged him back, "i won't. Kun, thank you." You said. 
"Anything for you. I'm not gonna leave you, ever." 
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It was the night before Kun's departure and everyone wasn’t feeling too great. 
The once lively and happy house had quiet down and had gone grey. 
"Guys, this is too depressing for a farewell party." He joked. 
"We can't help it. You leaving for a few years wasn't part of the contract of being friends." Yangyang replied. 
Everyone snickered at the young man. 
He stood up and raised his glass, "I'd like to propose a toast." He said.
"Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone for their support and love all this time. You guys mean the world to me and I wouldn't be able to go without your support." 
"Secondly, I'd like to thank Y/N for coming into my life and causing chaos in it." He teased. 
You narrowed your eyes and shook your head. 
"In all seriousness, I thought I'd never meet someone so talented, caring and well, different. I'm glad you're here." He held your hand and kissed the back of it. 
The guys all made kissy noises, Renjun and Jaemin were a sobbing mess. 
At that moment, everything felt right. Everything in life was perfect. 
He laid down beside you, both of just looking at each other.
“Who knew this would happen,” you whispered.
“I guess fate was kind to us and led us to each other.” he kissed your nose.
You snuggled closer, your face pressed against his chest.
“I don’t want things to change,” you said.
“And it won’t. I promise.”
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“Passport?” you asked.
“Yeap.”
“Coat?”
“In  my carry on.”
“Phone?”
“Yes, Y/N. now stop worrying.” he chuckled as he kissed the top of your head.
‘I’ll call you whenever I’m free.” he said.
“Don’t worry, make sure you settle in properly then you call me,” you said.
Kun turned to his friends and gave them all big hugs. “I’m gonna miss you guys.” 
“We’ll miss you too,” Sicheng said.
“Kun, can you get me chocolates when you go to Belgium?” Ten asked. Everyone laughed, shaking their heads.
He gave you one last hug before walking away.
You turned around when you heard running behind you and when you turned around, Kun pulled you by the waist and gave you a kiss. 
The boys all turned away to give you two a little privacy.
He kissed you on your forehead, “I’m gonna miss you, Y/N.” he said.
“I’m gonna miss you too,” you said.
He had walked over to check-in, waving at you all before leaving.
You had your arm looped around Xiaojun and Yangyang when you saw a familiar face.
If you didn't look properly, you wouldn't have been able to recognize him.
“Y/N?”
“Hi, dad.” 
The cafe was quiet and small, you sat across from your father awkwardly.
“So, you're going for another trip?” you asked.
He nodded, “Yeah, I’ll be in Japan for some business.” he stated.
“What about you? What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I was sending off a friend,” you replied.
“Is Lilian at home?” you asked. He shook his head, “She’s staying at her sister’s house for a while.”
“Ah, I see.” you nod. 
“Y/N?” he called. 
“Yes?” 
“I’m sorry… for everything.” he bowed his head.
“What?” you wouldn't believe what you were hearing. Your father has never apologised for anything before. Seeing him so vulnerable and sad was so foreign, you didn’t know how to react.
“I wasn't there for you when you needed a dad. I never realised how selfish i was. I thought marrying Lilian was a good idea because you would finally have a mother and you would be happy. I never thought it would create an even bigger gap between us. I’m really sorry i never thought of how you felt.” 
“I used to not understand why you always wanted to go to grandmas but then I realised it was because of me. I never became a good father,” he said.
You remained silent, you had no idea what to say or do. You walked over to his side and gave him a short hug.
“Thank you. Thank you for that,” you whispered. He hugged you back, a bit tighter.
“I’ll do my best to be a better father.” 
After meeting dad, you got a text from Kun.
Just boarded! I’ll text you when I arrive :)
You smiled and quickly typed, 
Have a safe flight! Make sure to get some rest, I’ll talk to you soon.
You took a cab to Renjun and Jaemin’s house. They wanted to celebrate finishing exams and they even brought along their soulmates for you to meet.
The door opened and you were greeted by Minseo.
“Oh my god, Y/N!” she said excitedly, “it’s so nice to finally meet you, in person!” she laughed.
You giggled and waved, “Is everyone here?” you asked, she nodded, “Yeah, we were waiting for you.” 
At the sound of your voice, Jaemin came running out of the kitchen.
“Hey, bubs!” he gave you a hug. “Did you just come back from the airport?” he asked. 
You nodded, “yeah, Kun’s plane just took off.” you informed.
“Who would’ve known the both of you would get together? Oh yeah, us!” Renjun rested his arm on Jaemin’s shoulder.
“Ha-ha, very funny,” you replied sarcastically. 
“But I’m happy and it seems like alot of things are good in life right now,” you answered. 
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It’s been a few weeks since Kun left and he hasn’t had enough time to call you. With the time difference especially, you couldn’t find the right time to talk to him.
Even his messages were getting shorter and shorter. You sat at the piano in his room and played the song you were going to play with him.
You weren't sure if he was going to even attend graduation and you took the initiative to learn the song as a solo piece.
Sicheng walked in and saw you practising, “Hey, kiddo.” he sat beside you.
“Hi, Sicheng.” you smiled weakly.
“Still no calls?” he asked. You shook your head, “He’s probably really busy. That’s why i’m learning how to play this song alone.” you pointed.
He nods, “That’s good. Well, we’re going to start dinner soon. So, come down when you’re done.”
“Okay, see you later.” you waved.
It was two nights before graduation and it was pretty obvious he wasn’t coming back. He hasn’t even answered any of your messages.
You were slowly losing hope as you laid in your bed, thinking of him.
“Y/N! Can you come down for a sec?” Yukhei called. You begrudgingly went down. You heard chatter before a bunch of shushing.
“What is it?” you rubbed your eyes. 
The boys all grinned excitedly, “Well, y’ know how you told us you were going to just wear something you already owned for the dinner?” Xiaojun asked.
“Yes?” you eyed them. “Well, guess whose boyfriend just sent us this?” Hendery pulled a big white box from behind him.
“Wh-what? Kun sent this?” you pointed at the box. All of them nodded excitedly, “Straight from Paris!” Ten remarked.
You smiled happily, knowing that he still does think about you.
You took the box and opened the box slowly.
You let out a loud gasp, you pulled the gorgeous blue dress by its straps.
It was a beautiful flowy gown with a plunging neckline. 
Attached to the dress was a note, 
You can’t play Merry Go Round of Life without dressing like Sophie, my dear. It's a bit more modern but I hope you love it, Y/N. I'll return soon, I promise. 
You sighed dreamily, smiling like an idiot.
“Well, go on and try it!” Ten pushed you to the stairs. 
You ran up excitedly and quickly wore the dress. You gasped and awed at its beauty.
The glitter in the dress shined so beautifully and it fits you perfectly. You're surprised Kun knew your size so well. You looked at yourself and squealed.
“Y/N, come down here!” Sicheng called. 
You walked out of your room and posed dramatically at the top of the stairs.
“OHHH, LOOK AT HER!” They all praised and hyped you up. You did another pose and screamed.
“It’s beautiful!” you jumped. The boys all gave you a group hug, squealing and jumping together.
“Just dye your hair grey and we’ll be done!” Yangyang said as he showed the box of silver hair dye he bought.
Everyone paused and turned to you, “Wait what?” you asked.“When did he even buy that?” Xiaojun whispered to Yukhei. Yukhei shrugged and walked up to Yangyang, he pushed the box of dye slowly.
“Why don’t we bring her to the salon? Seriously, I don’t trust us to do that,” he said.
“I mean, I think it’s a good idea. It would be nice to change things up a bit.” you sat in between Xiaojun and Sicheng.
“Actually, my friend Darcie used to work at a salon. I could ask her to come over?” Ten suggested.
“That’s actually not a bad idea. Yeah, we’ll go buy the other stuff that she needs and we’ll just do it here,” you said.
“Sounds good! I’ll go call her.” Ten got up and went to make the phone call.
You sighed, “I can’t believe I’m graduating in two days.” you said. “I wish he was here though,” you admitted.
Sicheng wrapped an arm around your shoulder, “There, there. We’ll be there to cheer you on.” he smiled. “Jaemin bought the tickets for us the other day.”
“Thank you, guys.” 
“Good news! Darcie’s coming and she has all the equipment at her house. She’ll be coming in an hour.” he declared openly 
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The guys all waited in the living room, waiting for you and Darcie to finish. 
They all instantly got up when they heard the toilet door open. 
“Let me introduce to you, the new Y/N!” Darcie announced.
You walked out of the toilet shyly, smiling nervously.
Darcie had done an amazing job, instead of dying your whole head silver, she added silver highlights instead.
The boys gasped, covering their mouths.
“YOU LOOK STUNNING!” Yukhei lifted you up and twirled you around. 
“Darcie, you really outdid yourself.” Ten fist-bumped Darcie.
“Let’s take a picture!” Xiaojun took out his Polaroid camera.  He set up the camera on the table and all of you posed. 
You looked at the picture and smiled fondly, everything was going great in life.
On the day of graduation, you sat at your vanity, curling your hair. Jaemin and Renjun walked in along with Minseo and with Ae Cha, Renjun’s soulmate.
“Hey, Y/N we’re he- OH MY GOD!” Jaemin screamed. “Your hair!” Renjun pushed Jaemin out of the way and gasped.
“Yeah, I wanted to change it a bit.” you chuckled nervously. Minseo came running and she squealed, “YOU LOOK GORGEOUS!” She praised.
“Thank you! You look amazing, Minseo.” you hugged her. 
Behind Renjun, you saw another figure. You walked towards her, “You must be Ae Cha! I’m Y/N.” you extended your hand and smile warmly. 
She shyly shook your hand, “Hi, nice to meet you.”
All of you spoke for a while when suddenly you heard a knock on the door.
“Y/N, we should be heading out,” Sicheng said. Sicheng wore a navy suit with silver detailing.
“Don’t you look handsome!” you praised. He blushed, “I tried.” he said bashfully. 
You sat in the car with Sicheng, Yukhei and Ten who wore their best suits. Ten wore a grey suit while yukhei wore a maroon suit with a floral shirt underneath.
“Are your parents coming?” Yukhei asked. You shook your head, “Dad’s trip got extended and Lilian had to take care of her mom. They did call me earlier though, it was nice.” you told them.
When you reached the ballroom of the university, you were amazed at how they managed to decorate it that well. Everyone definitely wore their best dresses and suits.
You found the table you were all sitting in, you sat down in between Xiaojun and Hendery.
You were just about to have a conversation with Xiaojun when your classmate tapped your shoulder.
“Y/N, you're the first performance after the speech. They need you backstage,” she informed you.
Your face fell, everyone at the table began cheering you on. You kind of received stares but you followed your classmate nervously.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the dinner will soon begin. Please take your seats.” the emcee announced.
The dean of the university was giving his speech and you were looking over your notes. 
“Without further delay, I’d like to invite our talented pianist, Miss Y/N.” 
You walked onto the stage, where the grand piano stood. 
“Miss Y/N will be playing Merry Go Round of Life,” they announced. 
“Alongside, rising musician and ex lecturer, Professor Qian!” at the sound of that, your eyes widen and you turn to the other side of the stage.
There he was, you never knew he could be any more handsome. He wore a white shirt and tucked it into a pair of black dress pants. Just like Howl.
He stood beside you, grabbing your hand and pulling you for a bow.
“Kun…” you said, not paying attention to the audience.
“Your hair, it’s just like starlight,” he whispered. “It’s beautiful.” he quoted Howl from the movie.
You couldn't believe he was here, both of you sat down on the bench and breathed in.
“Ready, love?” he asked.
“Now that you're here, I am.” you winked. 
You breathed in and began playing.
And just like that, it was as if nobody else was in the room. Both pianists worked together in harmony and the entire ballroom was in awe of the beautiful chemistry between them.
You eyed him and smiled, which he too smiled widely. You continued and for the first time in weeks, you got it.
You played it like the first time. Everything was there, the sweet, the smooth tune and the gentle way it radiated around the room.
Once the music stopped, the room was quiet before the roaring applause began.
Both of you stood up and bowed, holding one another's hands. Your friends were whistling and cheering loudly.
You giggled and faced Kun but your heart stopped. 
He was happy that he made it in time to play with her but when he turned he wasn't expecting to see,
 Yellow. True happiness. 
Both of you stood frozen, his eyes were yellow and so were yours.
Your soulmate mark… was your eyes. That’s why you couldn’t find it.
You ran backstage, pulling Kun with you.
“I love you,” you said before slamming your lips onto his. Kun pushed you gently against the wall, kissing you much more eagerly.
Thankfully, everyone was on the other side of the backstage so you took your time. He pulled you close, hugging your waist while you wrapped your arms around his neck. 
You kissed him so close that your whole body curved into his.
You pulled away, both of you panting at the kiss. Your eyes were close for a few moments before you opened them, you placed a hand on his cheek.
“I knew you were meant for me.” he pushed a strand of hair behind your ear. “And i love you too.” he gave you one more peck.
You rested your foreheads against each other, still in each other's arms, happy as ever. 
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You walked out, hand in hand. Some gave you strange looks but you didn’t care. He was your soulmate and that’s all that matters.
Your classmates were all staring at you, whispering among each other. You caught them whispering so you decided to give Kun a kiss on the cheek.
Everyone’s stopped what they were doing before screaming and squealing. You giggle and pulled him to the table.
“Ah, making it public I see?” Hendery asked. 
Both of you looked at each other and smiled.
“Wait… oh my god.” Sicheng realised the look on your faces. Everyone reacted similarly.
“Everyone, this is Kun. My soulmate.” and with that, there were tears of joy, praises and plenty of hugs.
You took a walk at uni one last time, you told everyone you wanted some time to reminisce about your last time there.
You walked into the studio and smiled at the familiar setting. The piano at one corner and the many desks scattered everywhere.
You sat at the piano and thought of all the long practices you had with Kun, those moments that made you closer and closer. 
You decided to play one last song, For The Dancing and Dreaming. The song that made you friends in the first place.
You chuckled when you heard the door open.
“I knew you'd be here.” the honey-like voice said. You felt him hug you from the back, resting his chin on your shoulder.
“Just enjoying my last time here,” you said, holding onto his hand.
“I know. I’m gonna miss this place too. So many great memories here.” he sighed.
You turned and faced him, kissing him once more. “Shall we go back?” you asked sweetly.
He nodded, “Yes please, I’m still very jet lagged.” both of you laughed.
When you got up from the bench, you stumbled slightly, a sudden pain shot up from your spine.
You suddenly saw you and Renjun in the studio. Why does that look familiar?
You held onto his hand while you pressed a hand against your head.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked, he held your face in his hands.
“Y-yeah. I’m just feeling a bit dizzy. Let’s go home, yeah?” you smiled. 
He nodded and both of you walked out hand in hand.
The drive was quiet, Y/N had fallen fast asleep and Kun was smiling the entire way. 
You stretched, opening your eyes. 
"Hey, feeling better?" He asked. 
You nod, "A bit better."
You could only hear the sound of the air conditioner and the music. 
"Kun?" You called. 
"Yes, love?" He answered.
"Are you going to go back?" You asked.
He sighed, "I was actually gonna avoid this topic but no, I don't want to. Especially after finding out that you're my soulmate. I never wanna leave you." He held your hand and kissed the back of it. 
"B-but…"
"No buts Y/N. I'm staying. I'll continue being a lecturer." He said. 
"Kun, be honest, did you enjoy yourself when you were touring?" You asked. 
"Well yeah but I enjoy teaching as well so your point is invalid." He replied. 
"Kun, I can follow you. I'll travel with you if that means you'll continue." You pleaded. 
"I can't believe we're arguing about this again." His hand tightened on the steering wheel. 
"We don't have to! Kun, I don't mind following you. We'll still be together!" You said, voice a bit louder than before. 
"Yeah and leave your friends? I can't do that to you." He was getting irritated, you could see his knuckles turning white. 
"So what? You did it too!" You pointed out. 
"That's different." He muttered.
"How? In what way is it different?" You almost yelled. 
"It's because I can handle being alone!" He finally yelled back.
"Goddamnit Y/N, I can't go through what happened the other day. If you follow me, you'll only have me. If you stay at home you have the boys, your friends and family." 
"Kun, I can always make new friends!"
"Enough! I don't want to he-" 
Suddenly, a loud honk was heard and Kun swerved to the side. The last thing you heard was him calling your name and screaming. A weird buzz began tickling your body and suddenly, everything went black.
"Y/N?" You heard a muffled voice. You opened your eyes but it was still black.
"Kun? Kun! Why can't I see?!" You yelled. 
"Woah, Woah bubs. You're okay." You heard Jaemin's voice. 
"Nana, Where's Kun? Is he okay?" You tried to get off the bed but you fell.
"Y/N!" Renjun yelled, picking you up. 
"I can't see, Nana, Injunnie what's going on? Where's Kun?!" 
"Baby, who are you talking about?" 
It's been a year since you lost your eyesight. You sat in your bed and cried. You lost your soulmate as quick as he came.
"Is she okay?" Lilian asked her husband. He shook her head, "She's been crying every night. I don't know what to do. The doctors still don't know how she lost her eyesight. Renjun said she just fainted." He drank his coffee. 
"Sweetie, what about we bring her for a concert? A pianist is coming to town. I think she would enjoy it very much." Lilian suggested. 
"That would be nice. Let's go ask her." Both of your parents knocked on your door. 
"Sweetie, can we talk?" Your father shook your body slowly. 
You wiped your nose, "sure." They helped you sit up.
"Y/N, how would you like to go to a concert? A famous pianist is in town and I think you'll enjoy it very much." Lilian suggested.
You sighed, "What's the use. It's not like I can properly enjoy it." You complained. They both gave you a hug, Lilian rubbing your back gently.
"Baby, you haven't gone out in ages. Jaemin and Renjun miss you alot." Lilian said. 
"Please? I think you'll love it." Your dad asked once more. 
You groaned, "Sure. Why not?" You agreed. 
Renjun and Jaemin immediately gave you a hug. You missed seeing their faces so much and just seeing things.
Every minute you're awake, all you can see was Kun's beautiful brown eyes. 
"C'mon, it's starting." Your father ushered you in. 
The moment the song played, your heart broke. 
The pianist was playing Merry Go Round of Life. 
"Mom, can you please bring me to the toilet?" You pat her hand. 
"Of course sweetie." She said.
Once you entered the toilet, you began crying your heart out. You miss his touch, his kisses, his kindness and his stubborn habit of not following what he wants. You cried realising that your last time with him was wasted on a useless fight.
You cried and sobbed when you felt a hand touch your face. 
You gasped, "Lilian?" 
"No, dear. It's me." That voice… Cyan!
"Cyan? Is that you?" 
"Yes, Y/N. I’m sorry everything turned out so badly." 
"Cyan, please I need to see him." You begged. 
"I know, love. Which is why I'm telling you this." 
"Once you go to that world, all memory of you will disappear in this one and all the lost memories of you will return to those in the other world." 
"The choice is yours." 
You stood up and breathed out.
"Anything for him." 
She chuckled, "Good. Now, be good when you reach that world." She snapped her fingers and suddenly you fell to the ground, the cold tiles coming in contact with your skin.
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When you woke up, the white light blurred your vision but you could see again. You looked at yourself in the mirror and you slowly touched your face. 
You began tearing up when you heard the applause from outside. 
You ran out of the toilet and searched around. You began running around when you bumped into a hard chest.
"Woah, you okay?" Jaemin asked. He looked at you closely, "Y/N, are you okay?" You knew that both Jaemins was the same but you couldn't help but hug him. Once you saw Renjun as well, you ran and gave him a hug. 
"What happened?" He asked. Jaemin came towards you and shrugged. 
"Ladies and gentlemen, the man of the night." You heard someone announce. 
When you turned around you saw him.
The love of your life. But he looked so different, instead of his once lively features, he looked tired and emotionless. 
"QIAN KUN!" you yelled. 
No… that can't be her
"KUN!" 
"Y/N?" He looked around when his eyes landed on you. 
He stood frozen, not believing that you were there. You ran to him and immediately looped your arms around him.
"Where have you been, my love?" He hugged you back, sobbing as he asked. 
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." Both of you sank to the floor not letting go of one another. You cried together, forehead pressed against each other. 
You pressed your lips to him, holding his head in your hands. Tears streaming both of your faces, both not ever wanting to let go, ever. 
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You woke up, stretching your body. You turned and saw Kun sleeping soundly. His bare chest rose and fell, his breathing steady. 
You turned to the balcony of your hotel room. You tied your robe and walked out, inhaling the cold air of Vienna. 
You watched the figures walking around and you smiled. 
A pair of strong hands wrapped around your waist. "Baby, come back to bed." He kissed the nape of your neck. 
"Good morning, Kun." You greeted sweetly. 
"Good morning, baby." He rested his chin on your shoulder, shutting his eyes.
"You'll have to get up soon, Kun. We have a performance at 3." He groaned.
"Don't remind me." He sighed. 
You chuckled and turned around, wrapping your hands around him.
"Y'know I love you right?" You asked. 
He kissed your forehead, "Of course. I love you too." 
"And I promise to never leave you, ever." You said. "I'll be here with you until we're old and wrinkly."
He chuckled and kissed your lips, "I like that." He said. 
You smiled and rested your head on his chest. 
"I love you."
"And I love you."
As they stood there in each other’s arms, they had not realised that both their wishes from the festival had come true.
Hers was to not be alone and to be loved.
And he was to find his soulmate and love her forever. 
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lgbtpolitics · 3 years
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I am absolutely fuming about this fucking analysis of the lesbian masterdoc, i havent finished reading it yet, so I'm not gonna comment on anything specific said in there but I'm just gonna explain my own experience with it.
I was such a mess even just a year or so ago. I decided I must be bisexual because I had gotten with a handful of guys when drunk etc, and even tried dating a male friend of mine. Us dating was an absolute shitshow but thats not actually the bit I want to reference. When I went to uni, I kind of knew deep down I only liked girls but that just... didnt seem to stop me from sleeping with men. I would constantly just be getting into these situations where a man would flirt with me, I would feel flattered by it, whilst usually a bit drunk, and I would get off with him. We would then get to a point of being undressed and I would just feel like I hated it. I would go through with it anyway, and then feel like utter shit afterwards - both mentally and physically. I was so weird with guys, they must have thought I was insane, I would not stick around after the fact (I could not bear to be there), I would avoid them after sleeping with them, I would seem interested one minute then not the next...
I always felt between a rock and hard place really. I went through phases of calling myself a lesbian, and calling myself bisexual, both felt like a lie. What kind of lesbian frequently sleeps with men? But equally what kind of bisexual only actually likes women? As a side note this is why I actively hate that the response to this is always "dont worry about labels"- whatever I called it didnt change the fact that I was damaging myself by sleeping with people I didnt like. I used to actively try not to sleep with men, I knew what was going to happen, and yet I would just always get swept up in it, maybe this time I am genuinely into it.
I am not exaggerating when I say that finding out other women did in fact feel like this, it changed my whole life. Actually understanding what I was feeling and where it was coming from really helped me identify when I genuinely wanted someone and when I didnt. It was like a weight off my shoulders (a cliche I know).
Your view on your own sexuality shouldn't depend on others I know, but a part of the reason I thought I should be bi was because so many of my friends would tell me I had to be because they knew I had been with guys. It meant alot to me when a friend of mine, completely out of the blue, sent me the video in which Contrapoints comes out as a lesbian, where she references the doc, saying that this had reminded him of me, and is that how I felt.
Its still quite hard to explain, a lot of people still insist I must be bisexual. I think I experienced a stronger amount of this (I could be wrong to be fair I havent taken a poll or anything its just an impression), due to various factors from my young teenage years. But its very common, I know ALOT of lesbians have had these kinds of experiences. And for someone to be saying this document is bad, shouldnt be used and its trying to recruit bisexual women or whatever etc just blows my mind a little. This is what I mean about the "labels" issue, I feel like a lot of the people criticising this are looking at it as a decider of what "camp" they fall into, rather than trying to help people understand themselves, and hopefully be able to stop putting themselves in damaging situations. From their blog they have also compared it to conversion therapy??? And then backed it up by screenshotting tweets saying if the doc made you question your bisexuality you might be a lesbian, which okay, thats quite rude, but it most certainly isnt conversion therapy.
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luque-moreau · 3 years
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y'know i think its about time ive refurbished my psychonauts headcanons/theories
what??? me??? rewriting my psychonauts headcanons in a more comprehensible and informed way???
ye
alright, i think everyone knows what im talking about, by headcanons i mean headcanon as in singular, and as singular, i mean my "raz is somewhere on the spectrum of adhd".
so lets just get into it:
what is adhd actually?
adhd by definition stands for attention deficit hyperactive/hyperfocus disorder (yes, let me get into the details in just a sec). it is a nerodevelopmental disorder that is almost completely reliant on genetic factors, however conditions during pregnancy can sometimes contribute to certain aspects of how adhd manifests itself.
long story short, people with adhd have a smaller frontal lobe, and therefore less dopamine in general (even though yes, it is more complicated than that).
theres also a little bit of "chicken or the egg first" goin on here, certain behaviors or personality tendencies can also affect how adhd is presented in one individual to the next, however its still not clear if that is because it is an accommodating for a certain thought process or if someones experiences and personality shape their symptoms of adhd entirely. its a very blurry line, and the answer is different for everybody.
hyperactive type
hyperactive type is probably the closest to most stereotypical depictions of adhd, think the 5 year old whos parents brush off their child’s hyperactivity as something that will “go with age”. however, this isn’t only present in children, adults with adhd have to deal with a constant need for stimuli to make up for the lack of dopamine their current activity is providing them. this results in someone fidgeting frequently in repetitive or predictable motions, unable to hold attention to a specific task for long periods of time, or many other of the symptoms associated with adhd.(i sadly cannot provide more information in this area, i am not knowledgeable enough to...)
hyperfocus type
hyperfocus type is a tricky one, it can look like the complete opposite of adhd in theory. hyperfocus can look similar to special interests or hyperfixation, a great deal of time and knowledge dedicated to a very particular thing (although it is important to note that even though hyperfixations and special interests are incredibly similar, special interests is a term more typically used within autistic-circles, and isnt really the best word to use if you happen to be neurotypical). Think of maybe that kid who knows all the cool animal facts and won’t shut up about them. Its because certain trains of thought or activities might release more dopamine then others, so to get more of that dopamine, someone of hyperfocus type will be mentally unable to stop thinking or doing a very specific task or topic. this results in someone seemingly always spacing out, unable to change subjects or changing subjects too fast or with little to no correlation, or being completely unable to have enough motivation to do simple things.
personally i tend to fall under the category of hyperfocus myself rather than hyperactive, however the two are not mutually exclusive, its more common to find people with both types rather than just one. even myself, i might exhibit more tendencies to place me under the label of hyperfocus, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have any symptoms of the hyperactive type. its my personality that affects my mannerisms, which then makes certain aspects of my symptoms more or less apparent. Thats because im an INTP-T, i just tend to be more to myself and constantly in a state of thinking abstractly. I have trouble communicating and even sometimes recognizing my needs, and get to a point where im unable to do the simplest of things without feeling emotionally drained. Thats just my experience though, everybodys different. 
so what the fuck does this have to do with raz then?
well lets think about it, rather than have it just be me projecting myself onto a comfort character:
raz finds issue with connecting to kids his age
lets be honest. none of the campers really like raz that much. or at least some do the bare minimum to be try and be polite. it doesn’t seem like any of the other campers besides dogen, whos also socially outcasted, are really fond of raz. lili might like him, but that can definitely be interpreted as curiosity in someone new and different from the norm. It might not be that the kids despise him, but nobodys opinionated enough to care whether he is around or not.
social isolation is one of the most damning things i had to experience from an early age and still feel even today. there is a sense of feeling that you are different among your peers, whether that is a good thing or bad thing. it feels difficult to interact with other people you are not familiar with, and can really stunt you emotionally and socially. from a really early age, theres somethin in you that knows something is very different between the experiences of your peers compared to your own, and it can feel incredibly isolating.
raz and his borderline stupidity
time to get real again. raz is a fucking idiot. at least in the sense that sometimes his decisions seem incredibly spontaneous and not really thought through. he runs from home to attend a summer camp, not really thinking about the logistics of how he will get there, how the staff will react, how long its gonna take for his parent to find him, and so on. it doesn’t seem like he over or underestimates his abilities, he just goes for it without considering. that doesnt seem like the smartest thing to do, even though we know hes incredibly intelligent when it comes to larger, abstract situations. its the little details that he misses, small minuet things that seem unimportant that he overlooks, which can sometimes make things harder for him in the end.
i think its obvious that impulsivity is one symptom of adhd. however i cannot stress how difficult it is to think at supersonic speed and still feel incredibly stupid. i mean, thinking faster doesn’t inherently mean you will have better ideas, you can always be stupider faster, but being able to realize stupid mistakes or inconsistencies in your own thought process is annoying as hell. it feels like every time you try to recognize the issue, fix it, and move forward, you only end up not paying attention to another issue that gets bigger and more annoying than the first. Its always two steps forward, one step back, constantly making the same mistakes even though you try everything in your power to avoid them or grow as a person. The simplest of facts, ideas, or just things to remember end up being forgotten, and once youre reminded of them you remember them and feel like an idiot. however, arbitrary things and complex issues are much easier to digest and remember for me, things like history and the whole blame game charade of it all, biology and how every minuet thing has a greater impact on others and intertwines with every single factor of its environment, philosophy and theorizing why we think the way we do and what can be changed. but oh shit, im a dumbass i forgot to do my laundry. shit. god fuckin dammit.
empathy over sympathy
one of the basic themes of psychonauts is empathy. simple as that. raz goes around into other peoples brains, and tries to help them as much as he can, even if his efforts are not always successful in the way he intended. he never demonizes anyone to the point of unredeemability, and can empathize and understand other peoples perspectives. hes open to new ideas and
although some studies out there theorize that empathy is impaired due to adhd, from my perspective i feel like that is simply not true. if anything, i would say the sensitivity that comes with adhd (hypersensitivity) only enhances that empathy. i could definitely see social disconnection being one of the reasons it might appear that someone with adhd is less empathetic, however i would doubt that adhd would impair a persons empathy. adhd tends to also entail heightened emotions, this doesn’t necessarily mean a more outwardly emotional person, however it definitely shifts a persons perspective of their own emotions as well as others. the concept of hypersensitivity also completely contradicts the idea of people with adhd be less empathetic.
miscommunication and disconnect
sigh, the dad thing. yup. raz has that very iffy relationship with his dad at the beginning of the game which is eventually resolved. very abruptly, might i add. but thats not what this is about, thats a topic for another day. miscommunication seemed to be the root of the issue, however we only get razs side of the story. not to mention the severity of his claims and willingness to seemingly drop everything afterwards. kinda sus, ngl.
alright this ones a doosey. this, i feel, cements my theory pretty well. like i mentioned before, social disconnect and hypersensitivity are side effects of the symptoms of adhd.  this means people with adhd are highly more likely to either misinterpret someones words or actions if those in question are not completely transparent, its because they tend to overthink and interpenetrate responses with too much thinkin n such. the social disconnect makes a whole lot of it worse, it can just pile on top of already established feelings of inadequacy and isolation. and oversharing as a poor coping mechanism isnt an exclusively adhd related thing, it tends to be shared within similar neruodevelopmental disorders such as autism or even ptsd. i find it incredibly easy to disconnect myself from my own emotions at times and think critically at what i feel and how it affects me. which is a bad thing. if i dont acknowledge my emotions like they are my own for too long, everything falls apart. its not fun. but, that disconnect can make talking about certain more traumatic experiences or instances that had deep personal effects on my life and development as a person much easier to just share. and not always in an appropriate manner, comedic opportunity can be   v  e  r  y   enticing. this also explains why raz might have been able to drop everything about his dad after he apologized. he didn’t really, he probably still suffers just as much afterwards as he did before. but he probably wont realize that for awhile, since logically, the issue has been resolved. long story short, he has not had the time to cope, and to put that off he detaches himself from those feelings. w a c k
of course i have other reasons why i feel like raz could potentially have adhd, or at least be accurately represented in headcanon with adhd, some minor mentions being:
he uses his camp map as a journal to track his in-game progress, list of goals, and notes/snip-its of information. writing down information on some form of notepad or book is a common tool used by kids and even adults with adhd to help them keep track of minuet, individual tasks. its just using a planner, but with a bit more information. 
just from my personal perspective, the lengths raz goes to pursue his dream of being a psychonaut feel more like a special interest/hyper fixation sort of thing. he can jump between having genuine conversations with his fellow campers and just exploring the campground, to investing himself entirely in obtaining his goal, even when it seems almost impossible. thats some serious dedication to one very specific thing, y’know?
this one isnt as solid as the other but: m̶̖̰̯̫̍͝o̵̦͖̟͈̹̤̥̝͐̿̄̀̀̎̓ņ̶̛̭̠̐̊̆̍͝ķ̸̝͈̺̙̰̊e̶͉͚̼̅̔͗̂͐̍̕͝͝y̶̦̖̼͖̪͎̝̖̠̐̑͋̾̔̑́͐͘ ̵̢̲̘͎͉̔̀͒̄͌͊̀͌̀m̴̲̫̮̪̖̍̐͆̕͜͝ͅả̶͙͚͗n̶̗̳̩̙̘̼̦̦͇͝ ̷̡̨̡͔̗͕̘͍̥̑͒̎̐̃g̴͔̔̈̅̐̏́̌̔̈́́o̶̥̱̽̆̂͌̀͗ ̶̝̩͙͕͛́s̴̛͓̥̲̜͓͚̣̠̆̓̌͌p̶̜̹̯̦̫̯̣̎͐̽̉̾ḙ̴͇̬͑̈́̐̈́͘͠ͅȅ̶̡̗̞̩͔̫̪͈͑̓͗d̵̠͇͎̜͔͇͒̈́́̀̅̈́̒͘y̸̡̦̠̻̖̥̿ͅ. yeah, its the most generalizing reason but look, hes moving nonstop the entire game, climbing and running around the entire goddamn place wrecking havoc. a bit of imp can be found in most people with adhd if you look hard enough.
so thanks for reading this far i guess? im oversharing even right now with this, like an i d i o t but yknow what i dont want to read the great gatsby rn, so ive got nothin better to do. who knows, maybe the second game will give us more info to either support/discredit this theory? gotta wait for pn2 i guess
:^)
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twoforts · 3 years
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notes for a longform mother daughter blu spy and blu scout angst fic that i wanted to write below the cut
its probably never going to get written lol
also sorry if theres anything cringe in there i havent looked at this in a long while
enemies to friends/found family snowed in BLU Scout + BLU Spy fanned fiction
OCT252020 at 245AM
BLU scout
inspiration:
- Allison Bechdel (in her novel Fun home)
- Carolina (from rvb)
ambitious, loud, secretive*, competitive
*scout knows how to distract from questions by answering questions that werent asked. she also is able to avoid seeming secretive by being open about too many other things. the queen of TMI, she talks too much, so it makes others eager to shut her up, and not pry.
BLU spy
inspiration:
- Allison Bechdel's Father (Fun Home novel)
- [ a teacher from my hs ]
- the Director (from RvB)
- Vespa (The Penumbra Podcast)
depressed, followed by dread, tragedy and death; know-it-all, unlucky (spy is the black cat), spy has issues with remembering faces due to brain damage, she has also convinced everyone that she is swedish
> followed by death, spy eventually realizes she doesnt want to kill anymore, even though death isnt permanent here, its stench follows her. she no longer wants any part in the violence.. she wants to heal, and for a while, she does. but she could only keep it up for so long.. recovery affected her performance for the worst, and the killings of her teammates and their pitiful stares snapped her into relapse. as her mental state continued to deteriorate, she only became more lethal, furthering her decline. the blood on her hands. the cold snow.
Chapter Title / Major event outline
Chapter 1
the meeting / the reunion
scout arrives to meet her mercenary team for the first time.
maybe looking over the dossiers again on the train just before arrival
put emphasis on meeting the spy?
maybe after each character is introduced, scout thinks something non-specific but referring, maybe at the end of the day when she finally gets to her room
Chapter 2-4?
working title
scout getting to know the team members. she tries to act natural, and succeeds. the mercenary shes most interested in is the spy, but no one knows. as scout gets to know the spy, the scout, who admires ambition, begins to hate what she sees. the spy, who is a depressed and broken shell of a woman (to the scout). Knowing what the scout knows, she hates this about the spy, and almost says things she shouldnt(things about spy being her mom), and actually says other things(harsh things about spy and her personality, as well as things she cant really control) and when scout returns to her room that night, she cries, both for herself and the spy.
Chapter 5-(X-1)
- events that happen between here:
the team doing very well with scout's arrival
- scout getting to know team members
spy making progress toward recovering from deep deep depression, but seeing less results from her work
- side stories involving other team members
- scout growing to hate the spy
- spy learning to hate scout as well
- spy growing more depressed and doing better at her job as a spy compared to when she was recovering, and the turmoil this brings
- the team doing very poorly due to multiple internal conflicts
- the team continuing to do poorly
- various chapters regarding the scout's past, each with holes to be filled both by the future scout, and finally the future spy
- ^ including scouts search for spy, and what scout knows about her
Chapter X-(X+2)THREE PARTS
THIS IS THE MIDPOINT OF THE FIC
the turning point / reconciliation
the chapters where scout and spy stop being so awful to each other for the sake of helping their team win a match for once.
PART ONE (X)
a major event or wake-up call happens and they decide they need to bury the hatchet
PART TWO (X+1)
they have trouble getting along still. they have bad synergy and while both are trying to make amends, they dont see eye to eye, which builds frustration in both of them.
PART THREE (X+2)
an epiphany, something clicks, and theyre both trying and succeeding at being decent to each other. baby steps... there are still incidents, but they begin working through it constructively
Y=X+3
Chapter Y-(End-1)
from here, scout and spy have their ups and downs. this is the friends part of the fic. where any remaining malice is squashed. where trust is built, broken down, and built again, until scout and spy become the two people who fundamentally understand and respect each other the most in this world. genuine care is built. by now we know that both spy and scout are lesbians, which they bond over. they go on a one-on-one mission together, that for once, works out really well. and spy. The Spy. First name "The" Last name "Spy", The "i am unknowable" spy, decides to confide in scout, which brings us to the last chapter(s).
Chapter (End) (potentially multiple chapters)
The end / the spy with nine lives
as an ultimate mark of trust, spy tells the loudmouthed scout about what happened to her, something she isnt proud of, but isnt sure she regrets. a large step in healing for the spy, and pretty utterly unheard of. (flashback chapter in the life of the once young spy)
**** ABUSE, FAMILY DEATH, PERIOD BIGOTRY ETC. CW FOR THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH
the spy was abused at a young age, her elder brother was murdered when she was young as well. spy lived in russia as a lesbian. she knew at a young age, she would kiss women, offer propositions and the like. she got caught one day. to avoid being institutionalized, she married the first man she met, who then abused her, and tried to trap her in the marriage by getting her pregnant. Spy kills her husband shortly after recovering from childbirth, fakes her death, and leaves the child, and her old life behind. she flees to sweden, where she meets, and loses the love of her life. she leaves sweden. spy does a lot of misguided living... at first she does her best to check up on her daughter, but only 3 years in, spy loses track and feels like a failure. the first of many failures in her career in espionage. at one point she tried to get lobotomized herself, she gave herself brain damage and amnesia. she is the kind of person who, despite any kind of perseverance or optimism, dread and death and despair follows her... no matter how hard she tries. spy eventually finds herself where she is now, and no matter how many times she wants to forget all the lives before her, she never stops wondering what became of her offspring.
******** END CW
epilogue
upon hearing this, scout receives the definitive answers she was looking for. and for old competitions sake, relishes in knowing something the spy doesnt. then they cry on each other again or something (scout knows spy is her mother, but spy does not know scout is her daughter and thats the end of the fic or something)
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