#and its like yesterday i was at maybe a 6 and it sucked but now im at an 8

[quodekash]

guys jokezo just made out and now they have to share a bed together. just chew on that for a bit.

NO, DON'T GIVE ME THEM SITTING ON A BUS

GIVE ME WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THEY HAD TO SLEEP IN THE SAME FREAKING BED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEY MADE OUT

👀

(they made out last night btw)

(just in case anyone forgot)

(and then they had to share a bed)

ass x7

also zo is fully just not doing anything lmao

everyone's pushing with all their might and zo is just 🧍‍♂️

FUIWEBSDGIOUVEWJBOGD

oh the desperate thigh grab

yeah, im with him on this, they need to talk about it. especially about how they had to slEEP IN THE SAME FREAKING BED AFTER THAT

welp. I guess joke's day was just ruined in a slap to the face disguised as a few words

AND THE WAY HE TAKES HIS HAND OFF ZO'S THIGH AFTER THAT????? OUCHHHH

I must say tho, this is really giving episode-6-of-bad-buddy

its very patpran-post-rooftop-kiss-core

the vibes be gay and yearning and very very sad

OKAY, THE MOTHER, FINALLY

a few things to say about her

1. she's gorgeous

2. DAMN she is SHORT

3. I was rewatching the first four episodes yesterday and today because I could, and I noticed in the first episode, zo asked his friends to not tag him in photos they took at the bar, because "I don't want my mum to see"

but my question is... why? he's just out drinking with friends, he's an adult, he's not being irresponsible or anything, so why doesn't he want her to see the photos?

is it something to do with what his mum thinks of him? is she overbearing? does she have high expectations of him? does she kinda suck?

she's probably lovely though, and ill end up adding her to my list-of-fictional-parents-to-get-adopted-by (it's a very long list)

I guess we shall find out today as the episode progresses

oh, honey, you're so queer

the amount of times ive done exactly this

she's so short its hilarious omg

also: ive decided I love his mum

she's so sweet

and neither of them know how to use a stove and I think that's so hilarious and endearing

HSDHSHFSHDHHS

(also: this scene is making me think of akkayan at aye's house having a meal with his mum and rhbgdhjgb)

he's putting two and two together

the few braincells he has that aren't dedicated to debating are whirring in his mind

I can practically hear his thoughts

"he kissed me back... he wants to talk about the kiss... we went on two dates together at his suggestion... he showed up at my house and charmed my mother... he says I have secret admirers..." cmon sweetie youre so close

"WAIT, DOES HE LIKE ME?" omg honeybun you did it!

or maybe he didn't do it

maybe he was still shuffling the pieces in his brain but hadn't put them together and then his mum said something and distracted him

either way: that was hilarious and I want to high five dunk for his acting there

HIGH EXPECTATIONS, I KNEW IT

still love her tho

high expectations suck but she seems wonderful so far (obviously my opinion will change if the circumstances do (like if it turns out she completely sucks) but for now she's made it to the adoption list)

brb, gonna go cry real quick

well now their thumbs are making out

you see, I understand the things he's saying. and I honestly agree with him. if I were ever somehow put in his position, id probably say the same things.

HOWEVER, I just want my bl boys to kiss again and be happy and together and I appreciate the realism over the usual fantasy kinda situation we go for in bls, but I just want them to kissssss

this is very good advice

I hope that jokezo kiss again this episode

also AAAGBRDHFKBG JENGPOK CRUMBS

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO'S LOSING THEIR MIND OVER JENGPOK AGAIN

BERIUFDJKGBEORPVFD

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

SHUT UP

SHUT UP SHUT UP

IM NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING

FHEWSDGFVESDV

THIS IS TOO FUNNY

im gonna start crying soon

its so funny

help me

girl is worried

I know this is what jeng told you to do but is during debate club really the right moment

im so certain that she ships it

awwhhhhh

HE SAID IT

HE SAID THE THING

AAAAAAAAA

hell yeah

GOUERJLHDGOBIERVLDNF

AAAAAAAAAAA

IM SCREAMING

THATS IT??

THAT'S THE END OF THE EPISODE??

THEY DIDNT EVEN KISS

OR ADDRESS THE FACT THAT - and I can't stress this enough - THEY SLEPT IN THE SAME FREAKING BED AFTER FULL-ASS MAKING OUT

omg next episode is gonna be amazing

I can't wait

gekjrdsbfd I love them so much

im like 70% certain they're gonna kiss next episode so fingers crossed

ALSO NITA DEFINITELY SHIPS IT

anyway. that was good. I should go to sleep now

#quodekash's unhidden agenda to watch hidden agenda #hidden agenda #hidden agenda series #hidden agenda the series #jokezo #zojoke #pokjeng #jengpok #joongdunk #aouboom #aou thanaboon #boom tharatorn #joong archen #dunk natachai

[woman-with-no-name]

I just read your work about Micah Bell and f!reader (https://www.tumblr.com/woman-with-no-name/688871883244011520/micah-bell-x-freader-title-possible) and I really liked it. It's written just wonderful and so exciting. Will there ever be a continuation of this work? 🥺

Well, my dear dear anon, there is a next chapter which I didn't post on here but only on Ao3 because of one simple reason - on Ao3 I at least got some comments. Here, I only got 6 reblogs and 98 likes. Likes as if this is Instagram. And I know i'm not the only one with this problem, it's just that I felt like there's no audience for it so I got demotivated (and i'm going/ was going through some stuff irl so I didn't feel like it). I'm gonna post it here as an answer to your ask :) JUST BE WARNED - It sucks, I tried, but i was in a really bad place irl and I didn't want to dissapoint some ppl on Ao3, so I tried to at least post something insted of nothing. It's not as good/detailed/thought through as the first chapter, it's more of a fill in. But I would like to try again, I still like, and will like RDR2, and Dutch and Micah. So who knows? Maybe i'll make a chapter 3 one day. Anyways, Thanks for reaching out.

Micah Bell x f!reader

Title: “Possible Benefits” Chapter 2

A/N: This is kinda short and filled with mistakes, but I really wanted to write it so here we are.

Word count: 1k

Warnings: none, Micah being a prick, but a lovable one. Joking around.

Summary: The morning after...

Story under the cut!

"Hoooly hell..." You open your eyes, the morning sun blinding you. "My head is pounding..." You say to yourself, voice raspy from the cold air. Something rumbles underneath your head. It was soft, but awfully loud. "What the hell..." You slowly lift up your aching body, and toss the empty beer bottle you were still holding on to. You realize the rumbling was coming from Micah snoring form under you. Blindly drunk, You must have fallen asleep on top of the first possible thing you could use as a pillow, and that turned out to be Micah's stomach. He was the closest thing after he passed out drunk on his back like a goddamn amateur. You take a mental note to remind him of that later. Still tasting the alcohol on your tongue, its sticky consistency making you sick, you decide that it's time you get up and go get some water.

Besides tasting the alcohol, you think about the thing that happened between you two yesterday. Maybe you were both just horny and drunk, and that was it, or maybe it was just friends finding some comfort in each other, or something else entirely. You close your eyes and decide not to think about it. Not now, at least. What you do know is that you liked it. Having his hands all over you felt nice, he felt nice, warm and sturdy. Last night, things didn't go any further than making out, and you were fine with that. "We are just friends. So what if I think he's kinda hot. Fuck it. He's not the only one i think about like that. No big deal." You say to yourself and finally stand up.

The world around you spins a bit but quickly you come back to your senses. You gently kick Micah's leg with your boot. He mumbles something that sounds close to "Shit, I fucking fell asleep..." "Yeah, someone should have kept watch..." You say, eyeing the horizon. "But I fucked up too, so we are even. And we didn't get jumped during the night so I guess we just got lucky" "I would have heard them anyway" He says, still rubbing his eyes. "Suuure thing, cowboy." You smirk. He rolls his eyes at you. "I'm gonna go get some water." You head out to you horse to see if there's some left in your flask. Rumaging thorough your possessions you glance at Micah slowly getting up. After adjusting the front of his pants he finally gets up to one knee. He runs his fingers though his hair and fixes his hat on. He's only wearing his red shirt and black pants with boots on the outside. "What're you looking at?" He says in your direction, looking at you under his hat, the edge of his mouth pulled into a smile. "Only that hammer in your pants" covering your mouth you laugh out loud at the sight of his morning wood stretching the front of his pants. He raises his hands up in defeat. "You were sleeping so close to it, lil' Mikey must have sensed it." "Oh shut up, and put that thing away." You take a sip of water and turn around. "Then stop staring..." "I'm not." Your eyes drop. You close them immediately and sigh. He claps his hands together as he laughs at you. "You weren't such a prude yesterday cowpoke.." He finally stands up to put his coat on. "I'm not a prude and I sure as hell ain't no peeping Tom!" You point your finger at him. "I ain't saying that." He runs his palm from his left shoulder down, straightening the coat sleeve and dusting away any dirt. "I'm just saying that-" he licks his teeth before continuing. "Girly, if you want it, you can get it." He casually states before walking away, turning his back at you and swaying from one foot to the other, probably grinning to himself. You rise your eyebrow at him and scoff. " Aaand the cocky son of a bitch is back, come on Mikey, gather your things." You only hear him snickering in the distance. After you have put away all of your things, put on your jacket and hat, you climb onto your horse. Slowly you get tired of waiting for Micah to come back from wherever he has disappeared to. You counted yesterday's score at least five times before you finally decided to yell out for him. "Come on now, we gotta go back to camp. You gotta tell Dutch about our big score last night ..." "You tell him cowpoke" He finally shows up coming from behind a tree, buttoning his pants up. "Why me? You are the one who likes to brag the most." "Told ya honey..." He grabs Baylock's reigns as he climbs on. "I like watching you squirm. Hiya!" You curse under your breath as you watch him ride off. _______________________

"Who's there?" You hear Charles yell out as you approach camp. "Hao." Micah smirks as he goes past him. "Just us." You casually add as you slow down your horse. You hitch your horse next to Micah's and tell him you'll catch up with him after you get something to eat. "Gimme an hour. I'm exhausted." "Alright doll. " He puts his hand on your shoulder, and only after you welcome it with a smile, he moves to caress your cheek. "Don't take too long." "Sure." You grin as you pat his hand and walk away. You could feel him watching you.

_______________________ It doesn't take long after you sit down to "enjoy" Pearson's stew that Arthur joins you on the log across the campfire. You greet him with a small smile and continue eating. "You know..." He started. "You should be more aware of the company you keep." "What do you mean Morgan?" You stop chewing what was supposedly rabbit meat. "I'm just saying... that man ain't right. He never was right. You know that. He ain't nothing but a lowlife." "Do I pick your friends... King Arthur?" You point your spoon at him. "Ain't we all "lowlives"? "But not like that. You gotta listen to me.." he raises his hands. "Go find some damsel in distress Morgan, you're boring me." You grab a spoonful of the magic stew and continue eating. Without looking at the man, you hear him stand up and walk away.

#ask #anon #fanfiction #micah bell x reader #rdr2 #micah bell #micah bell x f!reader #red dead redemption 2 fanfiction #red dead redemption 2 #possible benefits #my writing #rdr2 fanfiction #rdr2 fandom #dutch van der linde #fluff #angst

[dollarbin]

Shakey Sundays #6:

Neil Young and Promise of the Real's The Monsanto Years

Somehow this album is cursed in my biography. Every time I try to listen to it something goes deeply wrong. And it's no wonder: in the silly recording session photo above it looks like Neil is casting an evil spell on all of us. Monsanticus!

When the record came out in in the summer of 2015 I was suspicious; Neil had just released Storytone, and it sounded like he'd focused on painting the record's cover and washing his hogs rather than writing good songs. Plus I'd never even heard of his new backing band with their too terrible to be ironic name. Crazy Horse was alive and well; what was Young up to now?

But 20 years previously I'd been equally suspicious when Young got spooked by the Horse and buddied up with a different group of young hipsters to make Mirror Ball, and that record turned out to be awesome. And so I knew The Montsanto Years deserved my open-mindedness in spite of its clunky title and fairly gross cover art.

So I turned it up loud for the first time with my buddy Matt. It was a beautiful day and we had an open road with two hours of drive time ahead of us. Maybe we'd listen to it twice!

But halfway through the album's third song, People Want to Hear About Love, with its inspired-by-Stephen-Still's-very-own-Joe-Lala bongos, and its gather about me young squires chanting, not to mention Young's crankiest grandpa vocal stylings to date, Matt and I simultaneously announced that the song sucked. We put on Zuma instead.

Even so, People Want To Hear About Love, stayed annoyingly in my head all day, and that day was dedicated to attending our friend's younger sister's funeral. I couldn't shake crusty grandpa Neil off at the graveside as my friend's 20-something little sister was lowered into the earth, her life cut short by cancer that came with touches of abhorrent irony: she'd been a nurse; her dad was a cancer doctor. You're wrong Neil, I angrily thought, no one wants to hear about love. Nor do they ever want to hear your song again.

I've given the record sporadic second chances since then. And every time I get to the fourth track, Big Box, I perk up. After all, it opens with Neil alone, playing a demonstrative and churning, here's how it works kids, follow my lead, riff that sounds like it's lifted straight from Mirror Ball.

But before you know it Neil croons "Too Big To Fail" in overdubbed fashion and rhymes "excited" with "Citizens United" (you know, the Supreme Court case that gave corporations the power to essentially buy our elections) and, despite some pretty exciting guitar interplay whenever Young shuts his trap, rather than echoing Mirror Ball the whole thing sounds like Young is hanging out with Kai Ryssdal or David Brancaccio on Marketplace. Come on Neil, that's my least favorite show on NPR.

Yesterday I gave the record yet another try: but again, no dice; my 15 year old ipod (no, I don't own The Monsanto Years on vinyl; I got it in true Dollar Bin fashion by checking it out at the library) played me the first two songs, the lyrically regrettable opening track, which isn't amazing but does not suck, and the pretty lovely, quavering Wolf Moon, before the device (it's the kind with a dial on the lower half; there are 22 thousand songs on the thing, and around 1600 of them are Young's), perhaps disgusted by my choice for this week's Shakey Sunday, cried uncle and died in what appeared to be the very real Steve Jobs kinda fashion.

I was able to resuscitate it eventually but I'm unsure whether or not to risk resumption of the album. After all, it's cursed! And when the terrible day comes, and my ipod refuses to wake back up no matter how many times I pressed down all the buttons at once while cursing, will I need to find another way, either through a very nonDollar Bin purchase of the vinyl or through Neil's old timey, betamax website, to listen to The Monsanto Years ever again? Or can I just stick with Zuma?

Well, let's find out the answer. It's a Shakey Sunday and I'm about to roll my ipod's dice, press play, and go song by song through the rest of Neil's far too long screed against agrobusiness.

The fifth song, A Rock Star Bucks a Coffee Shop, is a big No vote for the record. Yikes. I'd rather drink a big cuppa GMO than hear Young rhyme GMO with Mont-san-to ever again. Whoever is responsible for the whistling in this song needs to never purse their lips in my presence again.

I suspect POTR (I refuse to ever type the band's terrible name out again; I wish they'd named themselves Promise of the Real Sausages instead) are big fans of Young's live bender record Time Fades Away. Working Man's got that vibe but it's slick instead of shakey. Yuck.

In Rules of Change Neil gives us yet another version of the story he's been telling over and over again for the whole record: the farmers have woes; climate change is real; we're doomed unless we get on Uncle Neil's groovy train of love. Look: I'm an environmentalist already. I do what I can to eat sustainably; I ride my bike to work alongside my sweet daughter as much as possible; and I've got a bootleg gray water system already running out the back of my house as we speak, watering my trees with our laundry water. The simple truth is that I never needed this concept album, or any of Young's too numerous to count environmental anthems. I already know this stuff. I'm already angry and I already vote and if Trump gets elected next fall I'll lose my mind a second time. Frankly, Neil, I'd much rather imagine sleeping with Pocahontas.

But it's when we get to the album's title track that I start to wish my ipod was indeed broken.

The song is a terrifying double to Danger Bird: it's slow and brooding with caveman vocals. But the guitar is mostly sickening instead of life changing and everyone's chanting "Safeway" instead of telling me about Carrie Snodgrass sleeping around with some still unknown famous enemy of Young's and ruining his life in 75. I guess Neil's right, people do want to hear about love. And Marlon Brando. And the Astrodome. And me.

I haven't got much to say about the final track, If I Don't Know. It occurs, and it sucks less than most of what we just sat through. What I fear is that Young is letting some young hipster solo at the end of the song while he stands by, contemplating corporate sin. Jimi Hendrix is dead, Ira Kaplan is busy, Richard Thompson isn't interested and Stephen Stills sucks; no other man on earth should be allowed to solo on a guitar while on stage with Neil.

(But I'd be more than happy to have any number of women do so, however, from Leslie Feist to Myriam Gendron to the recently resurgent Joni Mitchell herself.)

Okay folks we did it. We made it through The Monsanto Years. You have my permission to never listen to it again.

Me? As of this moment, while I hit post, I'm already half way through the record for the second time today, and I'm kinda digging my time at the Big Box store. Looks like I like the record anyway.

Neil Young: even his garbage swings.

#Youtube #neil young #the promise of the real #stephen stills sucks #shakey sundays #feist #myriam gendron

[kurozu501]

finally got around to starting the ff7 remake yesterday and i have to say there's already a bunch of small changes that feel weird. Shinra deliberately letting us set the bomb and then destroying their own reactor when the bomb fails feels… really weird. There had better be a decent explanation for it later. The obvious answer is that they did it to make Avalanche look bad but why? Avalanche at this point is Barret, Tifa, 3 other people and one unknown "ex-soldier" merc. They aren't worth that much wasted money and PR face saving.

More importantly it changes the way the first mission feels. In the og game it felt like we were actually striking a blow against Shinra. We destroyed that reactor ourselves. Felt like we had some agency. Now its just us being manipulated in the palm of their hand the entire time. Why make this change? its bizarre. Not only does it make avalanche seem pathetic and undermine Barret's leader speech, it makes the following walking tour through the destroyed rich people district not work.

That whole bits purpose seemed to be to show the horrors of war, etc. That there are human casualties even if avalanche's cause is just, yadda, yadda. Look at the consequences of your actions! Except… these aren't the consequences of our actions. Cloud and the others don't know but we, the player, clearly see that their bomb would never have done this much damage and that Shinra caused the disaster. Which means instead of feeling guilty or troubled im just annoyed and waiting for the characters to catch up on what i already know.

The politics overall feel very neolib, which isn't surprising for square enix but it still sucks when the source material has so much leftist elements baked in to it. They add a scene where Barret confronts some Shinra employees on the train (while we are supposed to be keeping a low profile. he could not more obviously be screaming "hi im the terrorist who caused the explosion just now" why does the remake insist on making Barret a total idiot) and the shinra guy gets to spout some bullshit about how they're making the world a better place but the game doesn't let Barret refute their points or make an argument back, he just scowls at them till they run away. Why?

Later when i get off the train i finally, finally hear one person say they don't give a shit about the rich people up top only for that person to immediately get shut down. "Hey, they're people too." The game wants you to both sides this shit so so badly lmao. Sure, maybe Barret is objectively correct that these mako reactors are destroying the planet but blowing up a pipeline reactor is just as bad guys!!! Look at all this devastation and casualties, look at how the rich guy has a daughter who loves him, look at how dumb and irrational Barret is! Mayhaps the tyrannical planet killing corporate overlords and the 6 poor people trying to stop them are both equally in the wrong.

idk im still early in the game and ive heard Barret gets some good moments later on. But right now it feels like if blowing up the reactor wasn't an iconic in media res opening that fans loved so much, square enix absolutely would have changed the opening. They did not seem comfortable with it. They really went so far out of their way to change the way it felt while still technically letting it happen.

#idk if shinra causing the explosion to be that bad was supposed to be canon in the original? #i dont remember anything implying that when i played it a few years ago #regardless if it was that still would suck and make no sense too

[gokartkid]

maxiel— lawyers au (max recently said he would be a lawyer if he wasn’t a driver lol.. idk it made me think of succession au even tho not rly related but similar vibes!!)

this ask is actually perfect because did you know my comfort show forever and for life is suits XOXOXO

max as a first-year-associate on that GRIND (put to work doing all the research that everyone else doesn't want to do) and daniel's just a bit higher up in the food chain re: he keeps coming over to max's desk to chat to him which max is at first like can u pls shut up and let me work 😭 but then daniel is yk eating his salad talking shit and he looks over maxs shoulder and says hey wait-- look. thats a major discrepancy (because when max talks as well he is listening, while he's making fun of him!)

daniel giving max tips and tricks re: yeah no dont even try talking to helmut if you see him have more than 3 coffees in the morning lol not worth it you'll get shut down. DO talk to christian if he's got his door open, and especially if he's had a meeting with toto-- he'll be so out of it he says yes to anything you ask about

max staying late because FUCK he has to get this pro bono case done and it, like, sucks, and he still doesn't know what the fuck billable hours are-- and he thinks he's all by himself until daniel rocks up with a pizza and is like. STOP. right now. you need brain food, like, yesterday. come on. ill help you out (working thru the night in the case library oooh)

daniel fucking it up in a trial and-- he's having a crisis suddenly and suddenly MAX is the one that can help HIM because "daniel of course I have been following your case you've been so stressed and look-- on page 28 there is this clause--" and they winnn!!! or whatever. im not a lawyer btw

max clearly getting on the partner track and daniel is getting. defffinitely feelings for him but they are-- also definitely discouraged from having relationships within the company let alone-- like, daniel doesn't want max to get any weird nepotism or fucking-your-way-up accusations and theres like a drunken moment where they kiss maybe, and max is suddenly like oh! oh wow i have feelings for daniel, whereas daniel is kind of at the end of this journey of "yup i definitely 100% have feelings for max. fuck. fuck fuck fuck." (also like. homophobia or whateverr they work at one of those pinkwashing rainbow tick companies but yk very "oh we have a gay employee (one)" :))

and so daniel... leaves! VERY shock news because ppl were like, oh suuurely he'll become a junior partner at some point in the next few years-- and its like, rlly shocking AND he has to not work for 3-6 months or smth because of sensitive client info and like, he has to start new at this new company (renault vibes) now and max feels like, horribly betrayed because obviously daniel didn't talk to him about it and-- why didnt he talk to him about it???

and daniel gets caught up in the move and sorting out his life and everything as well so he barely has the time to talk to max or to contact him or anything let alone like, examine his feelings now that a relationship would be POSSIBLE. anyway long story short: max feeling betrayed, daniel trying to see him again but only managing to do it in passing at like, trial overlap times they have and max is avoiding him because to HIM thats the clearest rejection you could get! (can't think thru a reconcile now but they do, and its hard, but then theyre lawyers in love or WHATEVERRR)

send me an au and ill make up some headcanons!

#srry this became like massive its kind of fun thoooo.... #maxiel #mv33 #dr3 #my fic #asks #f1 rpf #lawyer au

[pbandjesse]

I had a pretty good day despite still feeling down. I am for sure getting used to the noises of this neighborhood. The ebbs and flows. But that did not stop me from being absolutely startled awake this morning. I had woken up around 6 because my nose was really dry. I opened the window to get some air and went back to sleep.

I was startled awake by someone knocking on someone else's door outside. Scared me so bad because I couldn't tell if it was our door being knocked on. I am not sure what that sounds like yet. But it was not our door. And I would calm down.

I got cleaned up and dressed. I was still coughing and felt kind of terrible. But I thought eating might make me feel better.

I had more luck creating an omelette today. And it was good. I spent some time moving some things around. I hung up a little hook for James to put their wedding rings while they cook. And and I worked in our bedroom putting little hooks on the wall for my necklaces. I used a piece of blue tape and it came out super straight and I'm very proud of myself.

I have not don't any of my knitting this month so I sat for an hour and a half cutting the yarn and tying it all together. I was sitting in bed with sweetp and just working on my loom and listening to a spooky story podcast and watching the world out the window. I saw someone chase their puppy and slip in the rain. There are a lot of dogs in this neighborhood. I was coughing hard enough that someone walking past looked up and we may have made eye co tact but I'm not sure he could actually see me. But I did my knitting and it felt nice seeing it come together. Though this second type of yarn I got absolutely sucks and sheds like crazy. Will not buy again.

Once I was done knitting I decided to start tackling the basement. But I needed to go to Home Depot first.

I grabbed my stuff and drove the 15 minutes down the road. This was a very messy Home Depot. Carts and carts of stuff everywhere. But the staff I spoke to was kind. I had some trouble finding things. I wanted to look at shutters but apparently you can't buy them basically anywhere which is insane. But I was able to be directed to the wire racks and a staff member even gave me a cart. I decided to get two for now but I will probably get two more. They were a little more expensive then I was hoping but it's fine.

It was starting to rain as I headed home. I was able to get the same parking spot which was cool. Right outside the door. I brought the boxes in and felt a little dizzy. This has been the second most annoying thing. How dizzy I keep getting. How winded. But I try and power through. Sipping water helps.

Sweetp desperately wants to be in the basement. And I decided today to let him explore and maybe he'll get it out of his system. What he did get was absolutely covered in spider webs but he seemed so happy. Later he would become covered in red dust. Its funny hearing him walking on the duct work.

I would struggle to build the wire shelves. The first one just was not working but once I sat down and tried again I figured out what I had done wrong and then both of them came together easy. For now one shelf is all the camping and summer gear. And the other is all holiday stuff. It's not perfect but it was a start. I also got eveything down from the landing and used the cubby shelf to organize James bike stuff. And moved all the fans and heaters and suitcases to under the stairs. And then I moved one of the tables to the basement and it really just felt like it was coming together so well. I'm really pleased.

This took a few hours though. Around 230 my back hurt a lot and I needed a break. I warmed up my chipotle from yesterday and made it into a burrito. I was sitting in the kitchen eating and watching TikToks when I saw a video of someone watching the last song from Hamilton and I started sobbing?? Just absolutely broke down. I needed to go lay down.

So that is what I did. I got in bed with sweetp and fell asleep.

James's smartwatch, which was on the windowsill, picked up the music they were listening to when they came upstairs and scared me awake again. I was not feeling amazing but I was really happy to see them. They said whenever I was ready we could head to the apartment.

I needed a minute to shake off my sleepies. Drink a bunch of water. But then I was ready.

We drove over there and got right to work. I was really happy to see my fish Ari was doing great. His eye is all better. I also got to see Omelet. I got everyone some new water and some food. Ari even let me give him a little pet. I'm so glad he's doing better.

We brought three boxes with us so I just started picking up any odds and ends I could find and I think we did an excellent job. James finished taking things off the walls. And went to go do our laundry while I collected trash and swept. We would fill three boxes with stuff. And the. Took all the curtains down. And we used all the totesbags we brought to collect our books. Still more books to collect but we had no more bags.

We were there for a while. Once the clothes were done we loaded up the car. Mostly James did. I completely ran out of steam and needed to sit down. So I wanted in the car until James grabbed the last few things we could fit with the clean clothes. And we headed to get dinner.

When I was at Home Depot earlier I saw there was a diner across the street so we went there. Turns out it was on diner drive ins and dives. Neat. And it is like one of those amazing chrome diners. Those are always my favorite ones. The staff was really nice. And the food was good. We were sort of watching the super bowl on the TV. James spoke Spanish with the staff. It was a nice stop.

I was exhausted though and very happy to go home. James told me to go keep Sweetp in our room and they would bring everything inside. And once they did I moved the rugs we brought over to the rooms they will probably stay in. They are shockingly dirty though. They feel bad under my feet. I will have to see about getting a carpet cleaner soon. Because gross.

But it's so nice seeing the house slowly coming together. Like seeing the apartment so empty hurts my heart a little. It feels so bittersweet. But the house is already filled with so much love and it's just so great.

I would take a quick shower. And do my drawing of the day. And now I am in bed trying to not cough my brains out. I am really tired.

Tomorrow James is going to go for a long bike and I hope to do some more putting away. We might make some more runs from the apartment. I also just hope it's a good day.

Sleep well everyone. I love you all. Goodnight!

[blindedbythedarkness]

Dear future me

It's New Years Eve 2023 right now, and I feel sad thinking about all the NYEs that have come before. For a few years, I saw in the new year via zoom with 2 close friends and we chatted well past midnight. This year, I haven't spoken to one of those friends in 6 months, and the other seems so distracted with their own things. And I know I certainly won't be able to stay up until midnight, I'll be pushing it after 9pm.

This year has been long and hard. I'm proud of myself for everything I've achieved, but it's not been without almost constant struggle. I smashed my med school exams, lived at the hospital for 6 months whilst on placement, and then was ultimately infected with SARS-COV2. That left me with worsened autonomic dysfunction, CCI, generalised hyperinflammation and neuroinflammation. And that sucks.

After making the most of Christmas, yesterday I spent the day horizontal in bed all day, save for eating and going to the toilet. I have a list of things I need to do, and a longer list of things I want to do, but I had to write off the whole lot. Again. Today, though there's a little improvement, I'd still say I feel like shit warmed up.

The world right now doesn't feel much more positive either. Covid JN1 is surging, and despite renewed recommendations from the WHO for healthcare facilities to bring back masks, the UKHSA is dragging its feet. There's no doubt anymore that they're not following the science. They get away with it though, as no lawyers are willing to fight the case (as I have found, time and again).

Everyone is ill with "the worst cold ever". There's so many stories about young people dropping dead. But people refuse to connect the dots, or connect them wrong and blame the vaccine. Public Health has abandoned us all to eugenics.

The final result? I dread going to visit my nearly 90 year old gran next month as either one of us could infect the other and finish them off. I know if I don't go though, I'll feel endlessly guilty (and be endlessly guilted). I live in a constant state of high stress.

This time last year, I don't think I had high hopes for 2023. I figured it would get worse before it gets better, but 2024 might see improvements. I was certainly right that it's got worse, but I'm less certain next year will be better- the world is so stubborn and unwilling to open its eyes. I think maybe by 2025? But who knows, maybe that's what I'll say now for every year of my life. Always "maybe the next year, maybe the next year".

Either way, I hope for me personally I'm in a better place by next New Year's. I hope my long covid is vastly improved and that I'm back on placement and coping well. I also hope I haven't been reinfected and I'm managing to stand my ground on any issues people take with me keeping myself safe. I hope that I am more hopeful.

That's all I will say for now, as honestly just writing this has tired me out! But me, I love you, you're doing the best you can and its a damn sight better than a lot of people. You can do this. Keep going. It's a marathon not a sprint.

C

#long covid #covid #new years #new years eve #new year #2023 #2024 #pasc #pandemic #wear a mask #fuck covid #covid is airborne #covid isnt over #depressed #depression #mental health #mental illness #chronic illness

[16magnolias]

Encantober Day 6: Hugs

Mirabel sniffed and lifted her head from where it rested on her knees, her arms wrapped around them, hugging herself. Her tangled little cross-stitch had been tossed a few feet away, frustrated and angry after poking herself with the needle one too many times.

Agustín entered the nursery, making a soft sound of surprise. “Miraboo, what’s wrong?”

Mirabel held up her pricked finger. “I hurt my finger.”

Agustín kissed his six-year-old’s indicated injury and passed her a homemade honey-lemon drop from a handkerchief in his vest pocket. Mirabel sucked on it dejectedly, and the throbbing in her fingertips subsided as her mama’s gift took effect.

“Is there something else?” Agustín asked gently.

Mirabel rested her cheek on her knees again and gave a half-hearted shrug.

Agustín sat down beside her, folding his long legs and arms carefully so as not to accidentally hurt her – or himself – or anything else in her room.

After a moment, Mirabel sighed. “I just - I can’t do it Papá.  It’s too – I’m not - good enough - ” her words came out choppy and squished together.

His heart constricted painfully in his chest. 

“Mirabel, mi amor, look at me.”

Mirabel lifted her head from her knees and looked up at her padre.  He took her hands in his and rubbed his thumb gently over their backs.  They still had the sweet, chubby uniformity of a child’s hands, but he knew all too soon she would grow and leave this stage behind.  He would do everything he could to help her leave the notion that she was ‘not good enough’ behind as well. 

“Mirabel. You are good enough.  You are perfect, just the way you are.  You are – how old are you now?”  He tilted his head and peered at her over his glasses.  “Four?”

Mirabel giggled and wriggled away, crossing her arms.  “Papá, I’m six!” 

“Six!  No, no no,” he shook his head.  “I distinctly remember you were a baby yesterday.  You could maybe possibly be four.  But six?!”

“I’m six!”  She insisted with narrowed eyes and a smirk on her face that let him know she was onto him. 

“Okay, okay, six – I suppose it could be true.”  He winked at her, and she smiled a little, happy smile.  “Well, you are six.  And you are doing an exceptional job.  It takes practice to become good at sewing, good at embroidering.”  Agustín leaned forward, imparting a secret.  “It took me two years to thread a needle without stabbing myself silly.”

“Two years?”  Mirabel asked in awe, wrinkling her nose at the thought of all those finger pricks.

“Two years,” Agustín confirmed with a serious nod.  “And I’m still learning different things, you know.  Skill takes time, mi amor.  Keep practicing, and you’ll get better.  Lo prometo.”

Mirabel thought for a moment and then nodded as she reached for her discarded project.

He placed a hand on her arm to still her and she looked up at him, a determined fierceness in her eyes he recognized all too well. 

“But even – you know – even if you never get better, even if – sewing is not your thing, you’re still good enough, mariposa.  Just the way you are.  You know that, right?”

He swallowed.  He wasn’t just talking about the sewing, anymore, but – not getting a gift was still a sensitive topic of conversation for his youngest daughter. 

She stared at the cross stitch, turning it over and over in her hands, her head down.

In less than a minute, she lifted her head again to grin at him.  “I know. But!”  She continued, fingers playing with the frayed thread, working it out of its tangles slowly but surely – “but if it’s not sewing, maybe it’s painting!  Or woodcarving.  Or playing the accordion.  Or – or - ”  she paused.  “There’s – gotta be something I’m good at, right?”

His heart turned over once again.  “You are already good at so many things, Miraboo.”

“Like what?”  She smiled up at him, trusting him entirely to keep her dreams aflight with his reassuring words.  

“You are good at hide and seek.  You are good at playing with your sisters and primos – at making sure they play and have fun, with you.  You are good at coloring.  You are good at imagining so many fun and beautiful things.  And,” he added, “you are good at loving your family, Mirabel, and you have such a – kind and generous heart, and – a – courageous, fearless spirit, and - ”

He stopped, emotion coating his throat and making it work harder to get the words out.

“I do love my family,” she said with all the confidence and matter-of-factness of her age.

“And we love you,” he said, matching her tone to the best of his ability.  “We all love you, so much.”

She nodded and went back to working on untangling her thread.  He watched her for a moment, and then patted her on the shoulder and slowly stood.

Mirabel stopped as he did and then suddenly, her arms were around his legs, giving him the biggest hug she could manage.  “Gracias, Papá,” she whispered.  “You are so very welcome, my Mirabel.”  Agustín hugged her back with equal fierceness.  “And I am so, so very proud of you and everything you do.”

***

Thanks for reading!

More Encantober stuff here

#encantober #hugs #mirabel madrigal #agustin madrigal #good parent agustin

[system-of-a-feather]

Dude yesterday was mean and I'm gonna vent for my maybe IFS maybe fused-blurred unidentified little that is genuinely okay now but pouty that yesterday was mean >:[

Cause not only did youtube randomly terminate my music account that I was actually paying for rather than pirating for the past like 6-8 months cause we moved from spotify cause spotify sucked and didnt have our music >:[ Like we really did nothign with that account except music specifically to keep the algorithm suggesting and finding music we liked and not being confused by anything else so we literally didnt do anything >:[

And like we're autistic so on that level alone music is important and necessary for self regulation when we get sensory overload (which can be pretty frequent) but we ALSO had a lot of "little T" trauma around Apple deleting our music without warning and without us knowing when we went to school in middle/high school which - at the time also served as a trauma grounding / dissociation-giving / safe space and we'd have full meltdowns and panic attacks over our music randomly disappearing so it WASNT FUN to have this happen when we've been being good because it brought up unhappy feelings >:[ And I know things happen and it doesn't always have a reason but it still sucks cause we absolutely did nothing wrong >:[

But ALSO our parents were planning on having early Turkey Day (fuck thanksgiving; we use this day to honor the sacrifice and service that poultry will do to supporting mankind as growing food demand increases) and it was all good and everything, we were planning our meals to align to make us pleasantly hungry at the time that we were supposed to eat but our mom's oven for NO reason just stopped working on the exact day she would actually use it and so there was an hour or so of trying to figure out what to do but by the time we were anywhere close to them figuring out a plan it was almost the time we planned to eat and so we were hungry and without food and already lately having OCD flare ups so we were being easily set off my body contamination stuff that walks the line of ED territory and had already been snacking and >:[

We couldn't eat more otherwise we'd be haunted by OCD intrusive thoughts about body contamination at dinner, but we were also starving and we have food-insecurity trauma so waiting while hungry would make us dysregulated too and it just SUCKED but we called the shot like an adult and asked if we could postpone it a day so we could eat and not be grumpy and have the day stink and we did so we ate and its all good and fine but >:[

Yesterday sucked >:[ We managed and we didn't have a breakdown but it REALLY wasn't a nice day and we had to use all of our brain's coping skills to keep it an okay day >:[

But you know, youtube gave us our account back quickly and I'm still mad at them so I'm pouty-child-like refusing to reinstate my subscription until I Get Over it, but its back and thats good and Loki Season 2's second half soundtrack was released which is GOOD GOOD GOOD so >:[

Im angy but >:[ Im genuinely alright Im just angy >:[

#alter: inner child #alter: unidentified little #UIL #shitpost #alter: riku #alter: fei #vent #vent tw

[11lights]

August 21th, 2023

2231L

Temp 83° Kinda windy

Saddlebunch Keys, FL

Another decently late entry. Well honestly as long as I get some words down that's sufficient for me. Let's see. Yesterday I was able to play Call of duty with Danny and I was able to explain to him the predicament and I was in pertaining to my leave. I love that dude so much, he literally was so supportive and understanding which made me feel kind of worse that I threatened our trip because of the stupid navy. It's really good to hear his voice, and just feel like a normal person again. We call it quits near midnight because I had to wake up this morning at like 6:00 in the morning to get my affairs in order. Had a flight today at 8:00 a.m. so I woke up super early pack some clothes for the gym and did a little bit of cleaning and brought out the trash because once I left my house for the day I wouldn't be coming back until now at 10:30 p.m.. I stopped at baby's coffee. Got myself a little cafe con leche, I don't care if that is considered breaking my fast because that would be literally the only thing that I've eaten all day and it's not even food. Was able to talk to my pops for a little bit on the way to the airport so that was cool. To be honest, I can't really remember if there was anything of significance in that conversation besides for me retelling the story of why my leave had to be canceled so I can train. Flying was good. I feel like I can never complain about flying because I love it so much but my landings do suck. I got a new instructor today and she was very by the book and informative which is what I needed and why I didn't want my last instructor. She was very confidence instilling and I think I landed one and a half times by myself. I have the option to fly the Skyhawk but I really do like the Cherokees. There's something about the lobing aircraft and the design that feels good. Maybe it reminds me of some old navy trainers or something. I took a picture of the interior while I was doing my pre-flight checklist and it reminded me of the interior of a 1998 Honda Civic. So I just did my whole PreFlight with Bad Bunny playing. After flying I drove straight to the gym to meet up with my gym partner. We hit chest pretty hard. I got a serious pump and I was able to sit in the sauna for 45 minutes while fasted. That felt like a challenge on its own. Right now I'm sitting here fantasizing about Popeyes because they just opened up the restaurant down here and my buddy is sending me pictures of him buying it and getting it because he knows I'm fasting. I could really go for some good chicken or a chicken sandwich or mac and cheese, Jesus. Work was boring. I started ground, I feel like I can get it within 2 weeks but also I feel like it's a very steep uphill battle. Not to mention, I have to finish all of my coursework for these two classes by August 31st. Fun times. It's really pedal to the metal here. I have such a short period of time left to get these things done before a bunch of timelines end so it's high stress. All right. Well, the dog is waiting for me at the steps. There's really not much to talk about today, I feel like I am really close to the edge offending this fast, but I really want to last a lot longer so I'm kind of disappointed by myself for feeling this week mentally. I'm going inside. Have a good night.

#x

[etherealfroggy]

So I got home from school yesterday and binged almost the whole season. I stopped halfway through episode 6 cos I had to go to bed but I wanted to share my thoughts so far. SPOILERS AHEAD!!

1. Episode 4 is by far my favourite episode. I've fallen in love with Max this season. And that last sequence about friendship and her realising how loved and wanted she is and just running desperately to the friends she had been running AWAY from all this time was so so beautiful I was BALLINGGGG like real crying lmao. And it resonates so much with me as someone who has dealt with mental health issues. I don't know if I'll ever recover cause I keep replaying that scene in my head. Sadie Sink is amazing and I will be adding "Running Up That Hill" to my liked songs.

2. I think my favorite storyline is definitely the Creel House storyline. I like the gang and they have the most "mystery-solving season one" kind of vibe so I like them the most. Also they're the only ones in Hawkins which will always be my favorite place!

3. El's storyline follows closely behind though. I love her so much and it's so interesting finding out her past and I'm scared of what we'll find but I'm also intrigued and I can't wait for her to work though all these memories and get her powers back.

4. HOPPER IS SUCH A BADASS!! HE FUCKING ESCAPED THE MOTHERLAND ONCE - I KNOW HE CAN DO IT AGAIN.

5. Murray and Joyce are bad ass as well. Glad Murray got to have his karate chop moment in the spotlight lmao

6. I love Argyle (as expected) and I love the dynamic he has going with Jonathan. They're hilarious and their commentary after the roller rink incident was just amazing to watch. I love the actors.

7. So very disappointed in Byler :( I'm still holding onto hope but there's only three and a half episodes of the last season and they haven't hinted to it enough or in a well-enough-executed way. No hints that Mike might like Will back apart from their weird reunion at the airport and the moments where they show Will pining for Mike don't feel natural. Their dynamic is so off and honestly really boring and I hate to admit that. Just Will supporting Mike and nothing else. It's all Will has been doing this whole season and it makes me so mad.

I really hope they don't mess this up. It looks like they might be going down the "unrequited" road or even if they're going for Byler i'm scared its going to be badly executed :( Idk...just feeling like whatever happens I won't like it. I would rather have no byler/will liking mike than have it done badly. Fingers crossed though - maybe they can salvage it in the last episodes.

8. On the same note of Will this season...doubly disappointed. I feel like he has nothing to do again except even worse. Like...all he does is give emotional support to El and Mike and that's it?? They haven't really made it clear how he might be pining over Mike so it really looks like he has nothing personally going on for him. He's my favorite character and the one I was most excited to see really thrive this season. I thought they would give him a chance in the spotlight or at least make him relevant again but NO. Nothing as of now :( And it's really bad because they found a way to handle all the other characters pretty well even though I feared the cast was too large. Fucking Chrissie had more going on for her than William😭

9. I think the California gang is lacking in general honestly. I like Argyle and Jonathan's dynamic and that one-shot shooting sequence was cool but its the most boring storyline this season. I don't really find it interesting tbh and it really sucks not to but oh well🤷

If anyone wants to give their thoughts, feel free - I would really love some reassurance in Byler if there is any😭 I was so sure it was gonna happen this season but so far...it's been a letdown.

#st4 spoilers #stranger things #byler #stranger things 4 #st4

[purpleyoonn]

Hi Mary, How are you today?💗

hyelloooo.

not doing the best. I woke up at 5 so that I could go get coffee and make breakfast before my sister dropped off her kids at 6. she messaged me at 6:23 that she has the day off and that I don't have the kids and that she sucks and is sorry. like what. if you knew you had the day off before the weekend why wouldn't you tell the person watching your kids so they don't have to wake up before the sun😭

on top of that, my jaw dislocated in my sleep so now my face is all puffy and swollen and im not sure I was able to pop it back in....I think. like I can talk and move my jaw but it huurrrttttssss.

also, I wasn't supposed to have my baby sister (she's 12 but oh well) tonight as figured out by my step mom yesterday. now all of a sudden she is asking me if I can pick her up from basketball practice.

idk if its just me or maybe part of my autism and routine shit, but I can't stand when people change plans. like I start crying and melting down. which is what happened at like 6:30 this morning.

not the best day so far anony...

(also, every time I type out anony, my computer automatically changes it to annoy, and its annoying)

#purpleyoonn #purpleyoonn ask

[stellaferous]

gonna talk a little bit about the new sync pairs for anni (btw i didn't check grids yet) and trainer lodge stuff

1. Ash looks way too powerful to skip + he's not a favourite but i do like him so ill probably go for him first

2. Red looks powerful as well though the TMs that instantly buff a stat to 6 stat ranks are boring now ngl, the max countdown thing is cool and he clearly pairs well with Ash (and any other electric type) thanks to Electric Terrain and the ability to extend it, i gotta pull him too -- however his outfit is kinda mid to me and that EX is even worse

3. not a big fan of Cynthia's outfit but i like her hair, and i don't think its fair that she's 1. getting a 2nd master fair, 2. getting her 3rd sygna suit and 3. has lucario instead of something like spiritomb:

she's the first trainer to have a 2nd MF and to get a 2nd and 3rd sygna suit, and im not a fan of how she seems to be all about "aura" and "spirit" when Riley is right there who is actually capable of manipulating aura and is literally known for having a Lucario -- and i don't like how this sets a precedent that characters can have 2 MFs and 2+ Sygna Suits, thus sucking out any meaning from both these titles which were originally (and presumably) rare and "special".

going to her kit, im glad that Fighting Zone is finally in the game and i'm tempted to pull her just for that (assuming my luck is good enough) even though she can only set it when she enters battle and after sync, meaning that fighting types can't benefit from it unless theres sync move countdown acceleration; idk im still on the fence on pulling her, we'll see depending on my gem count and my mood lmao

onto the trainer lodge trainers, they also have new sync pairs but i didn't check all of them yet so i won't comment on it, however when i was in the tutorial yesterday i noticed that you don't actually have a conversation with the trainers and instead you just click a button, they have a reaction and then repeat, which is honestly disappointing to me because i thought we'd be able to build friendships with them by us saying something and them replying back with actual words :( i haven't gotten far tho but i hope we get to actually talk with them soon

ALSO ROSA GOT A NEW ALT LETS GOOO ❗❗❗ seems like she got Shaymin simply because she's like the tour guide or something for Pasio... i forgot lmao, i know the Marley (and maybe Mallow) fans are fuming rn and im ngl i understand why

#pokemon #pokemas #ash ketchum #pikachu #cynthia #pokemon red #pokemon cynthia #sync pair

[tianawarner]

From Fan to Forever Sneak Peek

From Fan to Forever is a sizzling f/f age-gap romance between a university student and a middle-aged actress who needs help preparing for her role in a movie. It launches on July 6 with Ylva Publishing, and today, I wanted to share a special sneak peek of Chapter 1 with you!

Pre-order From Fan to Forever

CHAPTER 1: Dragging Home a Moose Floatie

I’ve been away for one night, and in that time, my street has turned into a movie set.

Easing my car to a stop behind an orange-and-white-striped barricade, I gape at the crowds, white tents, and trailers filling the intersection in front of my apartment. A metal fence surrounds the area like a crime scene.

My gut twists and I tighten my grip on the steering wheel. On any other day, this would be exciting, but all I want right now are my bathtub, bed, and painkillers. Today is supposed to be a blissful day off before I have to start my master’s thesis research, not a daring crusade to get to my front door.

A crane lifts a camera high into the air, where ropes and wires crisscross above the set. Is that a zip-line leading into my favorite pizza place? What kind of over-the-top action flick is this?

My third-floor balcony is visible from here, with its two wooden patio chairs and the wilted hydrangeas that Abby and I never remember to water. In the window beside it, my dark bedroom curtains are shut, as always.

Staying home to spy on the set would have been more fun than that stupid-ass camping trip, but here I am, sweaty and hungover.

Scowling, I back up my rusty, old SUV and circle the block, searching for a way into the parkade.

In the rearview, my reflection is waxy and pale, and my short, sandy hair is so greasy that it’s a shade darker, like I’ve just come out of the shower. Self-loathing has sucked the confidence from my posture.

Yeah, I was an idiot, but in my defense, Julia was flirting with me and totally into it.

“ʻOoh, Rachel, let’s get naked in the lake together,ʼ” I say to the windshield, mimicking her sultry tone.

It’s hard to believe that the unspoken thing between us is over—late-night study sessions, hanging out after class, inside jokes, our shared suffering as we both go after master’s degrees in medical physics. She’d quickly become a good friend, and after she found out I’m a lesbian, she started asking questions about my love life and wanting to hang out more—like she was curious. Like maybe she thought she wasn’t straight and wanted to explore some things.

Months of anticipation, over in one night, leaving me hollow.

This camping trip was supposed to be a big end-of-term celebration for our department. For Julia and me, it was a culmination, an excuse to get drunk and spend a couple of nights together.

The tension between us was ready to snap, and it did—so hard that it gave me whiplash.

I rub my temple, weaving through the streets and trying to get to my parkade. The movie set takes up way more space than it has any right to, forcing me to make a wide perimeter. As soon as I figure out how to get to my apartment, I’m filling the bathtub and dropping in a glittery bath bomb. Since I left yesterday morning, I’ve swum in a lake, gotten sweaty, been briefly rained on, and walked through a lot of spiderwebs, so I need a good scrub. My skin is so sticky that my shirt is plastered to my back.

After circling for ten minutes, I resign myself to parking three blocks away. I drag my camping gear down the road—the bag of damp clothes, the cooler of food I never ate, and a mostly deflated moose floatie. The early summer heat wave adds more sweat to what’s already dried to my skin. I’d better not run into any neighbors in the elevator, or they’ll be in for a treat when they get a whiff of me.

I swipe my fob to get inside, and before I open the door, laughter erupts behind me.

I whirl around, ready to tell off whoever is laughing at me for dragging camping gear down the street, but the sound is coming from the movie set.

A metal fence separates me from the set—they have to keep us peasants out, obviously—and white tents block most of my view beyond it. Between two tents is a gap that tunnels my vision to a point.

My heart does a wild, out-of-control flip, knocking me off balance so that I have to grab the door handle to stay standing.

Cate Whitney is on the other side of the fence, talking to a tattooed guy with a boom mic.

Cate. Whitney.

I forget how to breathe.

In her early forties and well-established on the A-list, she carries herself with easy confidence. She’s rocking a badass black and brown steampunk outfit, including a corset, thigh-high fishnet stockings, a frilly skirt that exposes her thighs in front and hangs calf-length in the back, and a top hat with goggles resting on the brim. Her shoulder-length blond hair is in soft curls, and her white skin has a warm glow, like she’s been in the tropics. She’s wearing her signature mischievous smirk, her makeup drawing attention to her sharp cheekbones and ice-blue eyes.

How is it possible for anyone to be so attractive? I guess that’s why she ended up in Hollywood. She’s the type of woman who can rock a tux better than any man and a Valentino dress better than a runway model.

Seeing her in person sparks memories of pivotal moments in my life, making my chest flutter.

When I saw her kiss a woman in a 2000s historical drama, that was the moment I knew. Though the movie was fiction and the actors were straight, their love felt so real, sending butterflies through me. I wanted what those women had—their passion for each other, the connection that reached beyond friendship, the purity of their love.

I asked out my crush after seeing it, and she said yes.

On our fourth date, we watched that same movie together, and I made out with a girl for the first time.

So I’m not being dramatic when I say that Cate Whitney changed my life.

Now, standing with the poise of a goddess, that woman is ten feet away. She’s deep in conversation with the guy with the boom mic, but that doesn’t stop her from looking past him and meeting my eye.

Why? Why does she have to see me when I look like I climbed out of a dumpster?

Reflexively, I offer an awkward half-smile, which she returns.

My insides flip. This is either the greatest thing ever to happen to me or the worst, depending on whether she can smell me from this distance.

Regaining feeling in my legs, I whip open the door of my building and hurtle myself inside, then grab my camping gear and drag it in after me. The moose floatie smacks the door frame on the way in.

Cate freaking Whitney is feet away from me, filming a movie.

I hyperventilate my way up to my apartment and unlock the door with trembling hands. The familiar smell of home hits my nose—sweet-orange essential oil diffusing on the kitchen island, woven with layers of shampoo, burnt toast, and cheap coffee. Abby must be up.

I dump my camping gear and rush through the kitchen and living room toward the balcony. The apartment is as I left it, cluttered and full of low-maintenance plants. My laptop, heap of textbooks, and blanket nest are untouched on my side of the couch. Trinkets from travels, books, and pictures of friends and family take up every surface. It’s disorganized—Abby prefers the term eclectic—but it’s home.

I slide open the patio door and burst through to spy on the movie set.

The view is awe-inspiring. They’ve built a clockwork storefront over my favorite coffee shop. White tents and trailers, the back of wooden structures, and a lot of expensive film equipment clutter the intersection.

From the depths of the apartment, footsteps pad closer, and Abby says, “You smell like worn-off deodorant and sunscreen. I thought you weren’t coming home until tomorrow.”

“Cate Whitney is down there,” I whisper-shout, scanning the dozens of people milling about the set.

“Fuck off!” Abby screams, rushing beside me to peer over the balcony.

I clap a hand over her mouth. “Shh!”

Abby pries my hand off. “You saw her?”

“Right as I was coming inside.” I wrack my brain for the last headline I saw about Cate Whitney. “She must be filming Clockwork Curie.”

There she is. She’s with a group of people behind the cameras, pointing at a monitor and nodding. She’s easy to spot because of the outfit but also because of that abnormally attractive Hollywood look. What is with that?

“Clockwork what?” Abby says.

“It’s a steampunk movie about Marie Curie,” I whisper. “The scientist. We were talking about it in class not long ago.”

As if a high-budget movie about science hero Marie Curie isn’t awesome enough, they had to go and cast Cate Whitney as the lead. Excuse me while I cry feminist tears.

“Abby, she was, like, ten feet away from me,” I say, making sure she understands the situation.

I peel my gaze away from the set. Abby is wearing a smart navy blazer and no pants. Her thick, dark hair is styled to emphasize its natural waves, she’s wearing makeup, and her oversized glasses are unusually free of smudges.

“What’s up with you?” I ask.

“Virtual job interview.”

“What company?”

“Enough about me. Are you going to try and meet Cate?”

My heart jumps at the question like I’ve just been dive-bombed by an angry crow. “What? No. She’s working.”

“Girl, you’ve been obsessed with her since before you knew you were a lesbian. Remember the magazine pictures taped to your high school locker?”

“Shh!” I say, dragging Abby inside. I slam the patio door and round on her. “I can’t just walk up to her!”

“Sure you can. Rachel, this is the universe bringing you an opportunity,” she says, picking lint off her blazer. “Seize it.”

I rub my tired eyes. Cate Whitney really is a queer icon. Between her film roles, her wardrobe, and being an outspoken ally, I’m positive that if someone were to poll all of the lesbians and ask them to rank their top celebrity crushes, she would win the popular vote.

I guess I could try to say hi to my hero. The prospect sends a nervous thrill through my chest. “What would I even say?”

Abby opens the bamboo privacy screen we use as a backdrop during video calls, which conveniently masks the surrounding disaster. “I don’t know. Big fan of your work?”

“Ugh, that’s so normal.”

“If you want her to remember you for something abnormal, fine, but I think you’re better off sticking with something average here.”

“Fair enough.” I hesitate, heart thumping. Then I shake my head firmly. “No, I can’t. It’s too awkward.”

“You have to!”

Carefully, she places her laptop in front of the dirty dishes and unfolded laundry on the kitchen table.

“You just want me out of the apartment during your interview,” I say.

“Well, yes, but I also want you to seize the day. Do it. I’m not letting you back in until you say at least one word to her.”

“Excuse me?” I say, laughing.

“You heard me, Rachel Henrietta Janssen,” she says severely. “I’m shoving you out the door and bolting it until you succeed.”

“What if I’m not allowed on se—”

“I double dare you,” she says in a girly tone reminiscent of our high school slumber parties.

“Oh, shut it.”

She makes chicken noises and I throw a tissue box at her. It bounces off her chest.

“Did Amelia Earhart let people stop her from achieving her goals?” she asks, waving her arms.

“Amelia Earhart died while achieving her goal, Abby.”

“Beside the point. You’ll thank me later.”

I chew my lip. As uncomfortable as it would be to approach a celebrity, I would live my life in deep regret if I didn’t do it. Cate Whitney is more than a celebrity crush. She’s a legend, an icon who helped me discover my sexuality and come out.

“It’s not like you’re the only one. I saw a couple of girls leaning over the fence to get pics with the actors last night,” Abby says, a wry smile on her lips, like she knows I’m at my tipping point.

I can’t help it—my face breaks into a grin. “Dare accepted. I’ll ask her to sign the back of my phone.”

I grab a permanent marker from the jar on the counter.

“An autograph? What kind of person in this day and age—” Abby stops, probably remembering that the alternative is to ask for a selfie, and I hate having my picture taken. “I guess having Cate Whitney’s signature on the back of your phone would be cool.”

“Hell yeah, it would. Do I have time to shower before your interview?”

“Yes!” Abby squeals in excitement. She opens her laptop and settles into a chair, checking the position of the privacy screen. “You’ve got twenty-four minutes to get out of here. Why are you back early, anyway? How was camping?”

“Good luck with your interview,” I shout, racing to the bathroom.

My attempt to dodge her question doesn’t work, and she chases after me.

“How was camping, Rachel?”

“Fine!”

“Liar.”

Ugh, she’s too perceptive.

Before I can shut the door, she wedges her hand between it and the frame.

“What happened with Julia, Rachel?”

~

That’s the end of Chapter 1! Thanks for reading :) I'm so excited for this book launch! You can preorder From Fan to Forever now ✨

#f/f books #f/f #WLW books #sapphic books #lesfic #lesbian books #lesbian romance #f/f romance #gxg #GL #LGBTQ books #age-gap #celebrity romance #ylva publishing