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creedslove · 8 months

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HEARTLESS 💔 - PART FIFTEEN

Agent Whiskey (Jack Daniels) x f!reader

Summary: the aftermath of Wyatt's birthday party. You and Jack end up hurting each other with your different points of view, but your love is stronger

(This is the fifth chapter of the HEARTLESS 💔 series)

• PART ONE TO FOURTEEN ON MY MASTERLIST

Warnings: angst, two idiots in love, fluff, mom!reader

A/N: besties, I love this chapter very much, I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I do. Our cowboy deserves nothing but the best and I know how much you've missed him! I have missed him too! ❤️

5.6k words

You smiled at the pictures and at your son the entire time, a part of you was indeed extremely happy to be there, holding your baby boy who was now growing into a wonderful child, turning four and blowing his candles next to his daddy for the first time in his life. He looked at everyone who gathered around and sang him happy birthday with awe, never seen so many people cheering on him, gifting him presents, not to mention the other presents he got from his daddy before. Wyatt was having the best day of his little life, amongst others best days of his life, ever since his father came into the picture, he made sure to make things memorable for him.

On the other, you were feeling a hint of hurt, perhaps a melancholy even, too many emotions happening all at once: you and Jack making out constantly like horny teenagers, that felt pretty good, giving you a sense of freedom, finally expressing your feelings and your hormones, the things you'd been so desperately trying to hide from the others as well as from yourself, for a long time you carried with shame the love you felt for Jack Daniels, after what he did to you and your son. You never thought it would even be possible to express those feelings you desperately pretended to be non-existent, but again, that cowboy had his own way to make your world upside down and his gentle attitude, loving words, warm eyes and a tight, manly grip around your body had you hostage again, you simply couldn't break free from Jack Daniels, even if you tried to - and you did, for very long - he just had a way to keep you his. It felt bittersweet to know you were free to be with him, now Frankie was out of the picture, which was also partially why you felt upset. It's not a matter of breaking up with him, even if Whiskey wasn't in the picture, you and Frankie would end up splitting up sooner or later; he was just too close to his ex-wife to be over her, your relationship was just a consequence of two lonely people looking for a hook-up online. He was handsome, sweet and a good kisser, but you weren't in love with him, your heart was never open to anyone but the cowboy that both disgraced your life and also added a sense to it. It was only a matter of time until either of you would have to start the unpleasant conversation and get things done with; however, what made you upset was the way the break-up happened. Perhaps it would've been better if it didn't happen in the middle of your son's birthday party and though there wasn't a scene apart from when his daughter bit your son, it still felt odd. You were disappointed in Frankie for finding out he'd been hiding things from you, but just because of that, you didn't think it was appropriate for Jack to throw Frankie's dossier onto his lap as if they were in the middle of an interrogation. You were thankful your cowboy was protective and willing to take the risks to help and protect you, but you knew you would've handled things differently. Still, things were done and they'd remain that way, you were at least thankful you didn't have to handle things like that at all.

But Jack still pressured you and made you uncomfortable, he was already talking about marriage, kids and you weren't there yet. Of course you wanted to spend time with your cowboy, you were willing to make things right for your family, for your son and also for yourself, but you didn't want to get married and let alone have more kids. You didn't trust Jack with getting you pregnant, the trauma and the sadness you went through in a moment that was supposed to be one of the best and happiest of your life was too present, you still had nightmares about it and you were not willing to let it repeat itself, even if your cowboy got on his knees and swore to you he'd never do anything like that, you wouldn't like to figure out by yourself.

You couldn't lie to yourself if you said you hadn't let your mind wander and dared to think of an alternative scenario where you went all the way with Jack: marriage and another kid. Perhaps it could work, you had no way to guess if it would, but you decided to be safe rather than sorry and immediately draw the line. You could tell he'd become upset at your immediate refusal right under the willow tree, he was surprisingly soft when it came to family business and it wouldn't be different when you weren't interested in his future plans. Jack Daniels was a traditional man, he was one to get married and settle down, just like he'd been taught from a young age, like real men were supposed to do. He thought that now that you and him were finally on the same page about becoming a real family and giving it a shot, you would also agree with him. He thought you'd say yes to his proposal even if it wasn't official yet and also his idea to give Wyatt a baby brother or baby sister. However, you'd said no. He couldn't even blame you, no one could; even if you were the most selfish person in the world, - which you weren't, because after all the shit he'd done, he'd committed himself to worship the ground you stepped on - he knew it was understandable and expectable too. But that old broken heart was overflowing with love for you and your son, it just kept the fire of hope alive, so when you'd been nothing but clear when you stated you wouldn't get marry nor have kids, he got upset. Not only that, he felt quite rejected. Perhaps it was a product of the tension he went through with your ex earlier that day, he had hated Frankie since day one, even before finding the dirt on him, he just couldn't have sympathy for anyone who had the woman he loved; if it were up to him, he would've kicked his ass and told him to fuck off, but he couldn't do that in the middle of his son's birthday party, not when toddlers ran around and the adults enjoyed good food and drink. And then that little monster Frankie called a daughter bit his boy and Jack felt angry. He was actually pissed. Yeah, she was a child - a very spoiled, whiny and annoying one - and he knew that often happened, but he'd always hated biters, his little sister was a biter and he learned from a young age to hate this kind. There was also the fact he was actually being able to take part in his son's birthday for the first time and the need of making everything perfect and memorable for Wyatt was a bit nerve wracking, not that he would admit it, but Jack Daniels didn't lose sleep before a mission, but he did lose sleep before a four-year-old party because he wasn't sure if the inflatables and the trampolines were good enough.

At that point, Jack was just tired, too many people around his home, making too much noise and whereas his son was having the time of his life, Whiskey preferred the moments he'd spent with only you and him, where Wyatt played with his pony and you were both quiet and affectionate. However, each time Wyatt's laugh was heard all over the place, the cowboy couldn't hold back his unconscious smile, he never knew how the happiness of a child could make him feel young and good again. Like the bad, rough path in his life had never existed. When he left the willow tree with you and your son, Whiskey was silent, not getting closer, he felt the sting of rejection and even if he knew it wasn't fair and that you had all the right to want different things in life, he still pouted and put his cowboy hat on, following you down the party.

He kept his distance once everyone sang Wyatt happy birthday, he could feel the same tension you did, the way you stood all stiff next to your son, occasionally smiling at everything and everybody but avoiding his gaze, it made his heart clench, he didn't really know what else to do. He didn't want to lose you, but it seemed at times that no matter what he did, if he showered you with love or affection, he still managed to scare you off. He closed his eyes and sighed, another flash by the cameras that photographed the moment he stood next to his family. Normally Jack wouldn't be in so many pictures, but he always made exceptions for you and now your son too. The cowboy was so caught up in his feelings, he only noticed how close you were the moment you wrapped your arms around him, closing the distance between the two of you and Wyatt stood on a chair, to be at your height so you could have a beautiful picture to watch in the future. He looked at you slightly surprised, not expecting a physical touch from you, even if the warmth was so soothing and familiar, he didn't expect to have your body glued tight to his. It was some kind of hypnosis, being away from you for so long, whenever he was able to touch you, it simply didn't feel real at all. He still couldn't ignore how upset he was, but when he looked into your eyes and saw your smile, he went soft. Posing for another picture wanting that moment to be eternalized.

•••

"Cake?" You offered Jack a small plate, joining him at one of the many tables that were set through the backyard. One by one, the guests began taking off after the cake was cut and served, the party naturally coming to an end after hours of fun and adventure for the kids as well as their parents who drank, ate and danced, because if there was something Jack Daniels was good at, it was definitely throwing a ranch party. Wyatt baffled the two of you, still having the energy to bounce from inflatable to inflatable, trampoline from trampoline, so excited he completely forgot about the pile of presents exclusively for him. You were exhausted and you could tell the cowboy was just the same, taking the cake from your hand with a small thank you as he began nibbling at it.

He was upset, you could tell, because his aviators were back on, covering his eyes and even if they weren't uncovered you just knew they wouldn't carry that traditional spark. His shit-eating grin was replaced by his serious expression and you just felt so frustrated with that man. Instead of having your lips on those tempting lips of his, you had to go through that whole awkward situation with him. Why couldn't things be a lot more simple? Why couldn't you just enjoy each other's company, without making things complicated?

He didn't say anything at first, just watching as Wyatt ran from one place to the other, enjoying the toys a lot more now that he didn't actually need to share them with the other kids.

"Why don't you wanna marry me?" Jack broke the silence, not looking directly at you, he looked down instead, eager and also scared to hear your answer.

"Instead of asking me this, why don't you answer my question, Jack?! Why do you wanna marry me so bad?"

You caught that cowboy by surprise, out of all the answers in the world, the ones he could have possibly heard, that was something he didn't expect.

"I-I…" he started but bit his lips, taking his glasses off and looking at you "it doesn't feel real to me that you want to give our family a chance, the feeling I have is that one day you'll wake up and get back to your senses, that you'll remember I'm not good and shouldn't be forgiven, so I fear you will walk away from me. I figured that if we get married, not only would it assure me that wouldn't happen, but we could also pick up from where we left off" that making perfect sense in his mind.

"So you just want to trap me?"

"Sugar, don't look at things that way… I mean yeah, getting married would be a way of making sure you don't regret giving me a chance, but I would also like to continue from where we left off…"

"We will never continue from where we left off, Jack… listen, Wyatt just turned four, which means we're talking about nearly five years in the past; there's been too much between us, a horrible, traumatic, violent, break up. There was a pregnancy, also traumatic, because it was scary, painful, stressful, there was a child birth, countless nights of staying up and taking care of a baby I wasn't even sure how to do so, I'm not holding it against you, but there's no turning back, Jack. You will never be able to make up for this all because it's long gone, and I can see you want to prove yourself, have a chance so you can show me now you can handle taking care of a baby, but I'm not gonna be part of your experiment"

"I just thought we could be a family, a real, big family, I know the three of us are already one, but I wanted to have another baby, I wanted to make you my wife, have you wear a big fancy ring around your beautiful finger and go to bed and wake up every single day for the rest of my life next to you. I'm not saying that what we have now, how we are getting along and finally breaking the barrier that was keeping us apart isn't good, but I wanted more… I wanted to know for a fact one day you won't just wake up and walk away from me, sugar"

And that was exactly the kind of assurance you couldn't offer him. Yes, you were willing to be with Jack, as a couple maybe, as lovers definitely because you simply couldn't get your hands off your cowboy, but were you 100% certain you wanted to have him for the rest of your life? You didn't know.

"It seems like we want different things in life Jack… you pressure me when you talk about this, about the future, when you talk about having babies as if the whole experience with Wyatt hadn't happened"

"And you hurt me when you just discard our future without a second thought, sugar" he looked down, placing the plate on the table and sighing, getting up and taking his leather jacket off, placing it on your shoulder, surprising you at the soft touch, only then realizing you were actually shivering at the cool wind. The cowboy excused himself and walked inside.

•••

Whiskey had got inside his home, pouring himself a glass of the hardest Statesman liquor he could find and got into his bathtub. He let out a loud groan, his sore muscles finally relaxing under the warm water, but unfortunately to him, not all the relaxation in the world could soothe his heart. He wasn't even sure what that all meant. Were you and him still trying? Broken up? He didn't know and he was afraid to ask, perhaps it would be better if he left that question mark hanging for a little while. He sank his head under the water so he could be alone with his thoughts.

You called Wyatt, who finally came running to you. He was panting and his skin was sticky with sweat from how much he played even if the weather wasn't warm anymore. He smiled and gave you a big hug, snuggling you and letting out a yawn, he had never been happier, though he frowned not seeing his daddy. You explained to your son Jack had had an early night because he was tired. All of you were, but you knew Wyatt still needed a warm bath before bed.

Once your son was clean up, warm and tucked in bed, you felt kind of awkward, not sure if you should lie down or go after Jack. Things had escalated to more than tense once you two opened your hearts and though you wanted to make things right, you didn't know how to. Jack was a stubborn man, and if he had that idea in mind, you knew you wouldn't be able to go against it. However, you were also sure you wouldn't be able to simply go to bed when things were so unsolved, you couldn't say yes to his marriage proposal in one night, but you could at least make sure things were alright - or not - between the two of you.

You exited your bedroom and decided to go to Jack's, so eager to knock on his door you barely noticed him walking towards you, apparently he also had issues he had to address. You stopped just inches from bumping against him, but it didn't stop the cowboy to hold you by the hips. He smiled down at you, but it didn't meet the eyes, and you were sure he was still upset.

"Hey sugar, going somewhere in a rush?" He asked curiously at your nod but since you didn't actually reply to his question, he just cleared his throat

"I was wondering if you'd be okay with me taking Wyatt to the Statesman tomorrow morning? I gotta go there to make some payments for the service some employees did at the party and I was thinking that would be a nice opportunity for him to see his daddy's workplace"

He smirked proudly, imagining how excited Wyatt would be while running around the hallways of Statesman, seeing the cool stuff his daddy worked with. He was sure he would enjoy their time together, but the moment he noticed your sad expression, Jack frowned, concerned about you and what could've happened.

"Jack, can I ask you a question? Are you mad at me? About the fact I don't want more babies or a wedding?"

He sighed and bit his lip, carefully choosing his words, he didn't want to offend you in any way, but he wasn't great at hiding how upset that made him

"I'm not mad, it's your choice… but as I said, it made me upset, I had already made plans for us, sugar. It's nice we're getting along, but I expected more, as you already know… Would you ever marry me? Someday?"

"I-I don't know, Jack" you sighed and looked down, ashamed of your honest response, being sure it would hurt that broken heart even more.

He nodded and looked around, taking a step back from you. He thought of kissing your lips goodnight, but he didn't actually see the point in it.

•••

Jack and Wyatt had left earlier in the morning, your little boy was still very sleepy and cuddly as he first got up, climbing your lap and snuggling you, just like he did it as a small baby, though now time was flying and he was growing more and more each day. You had wrapped your arms around him and played with his soft, growing curls, listening to his calm soft breaths as he fell asleep again. You rested your chin on his head and closed your eyes, happy at the small time you had with him, you missed Wyatt terribly for the past two days, as the two of you were so busy with his party you barely spent time together. Jack walked into the living room, looking good in his clothes, aviators on and his hat in hands, going absolutely silent once he realized his son had fallen asleep.

"Do you want me to leave him here so he can sleep some more?" He suggested it, but you quickly dismissed the idea, you knew how excited Wyatt was to go out with his daddy, he just needed a few minutes to catch up on his sleep.

The cowboy joined you on the couch, his big hand stroking his son's soft curls and watching his sleep features in adoration, his son was absolutely gorgeous, he had taken a lot from you, even if he did have a lot of similarities with his daddy, Jack came to the conclusion he was all you. He smiled at that thought and sighed softly, at the same time Wyatt opened his brown eyes and giggled to see his daddy right there. Neither of you addressed the short, frustrating conversation you had in the hallway the night before, instead you both focused on serving Wyatt breakfast and you helped Jack buckle him up in his Bronco so they could have their boys adventure.

And then you were free to do whatever you wanted. It was definitely a rare moment of your post pregnancy life where you could actually do anything you wanted without having to worry about your son. Even though being a mother meant you would worry about your kid at all times, you trusted Jack knowing he'd keep your son safe. Helen didn't take long to arrive and assured you she would be supervising the cleaning team Jack hired to clean after the party, you could do that without her help, but she was just so kind to you, you thanked her by assuring the woman she could go home right afterwards, no need to cook any meals as you would take care of it.

While you were oddly free, the first thing you decided to do was take a bath. You figured Jack wouldn't mind lending you his tub; you wouldn't make a mess or snoop around his stuff, you just filled the tub, picked your favorite bath bomb and sank your entire body into the water, sounds of relief coming out of your mouth. You couldn't even remember the last time you were able to take such a relaxing bath, at any time you wanted and spending as long as you'd like. Chances were the last time you actually spent some time like that was even before getting pregnant, probably inside Jack's tub as well. You weren't sure if you just closed your eyes and relaxed or if you'd dozed off, but nearly an hour later, you were drying yourself and getting dressed, feeling so good about herself. Looking out the window, you saw that the tables that had crowded the backyard just a day before had gone, the green fields seemed spotless clean, but the inflatables were still there; of course Jack would pay extra to have them for longer so Wyatt would play.

You turned around and picked your riding boots, it was time you paid your beautiful Silver Pony a visit and took her for a ride.

The walk to the stables was fast, you were so used to going in the same direction you were able to just follow it through muscle memory; there was a time you rode horses almost every day, and that didn't necessarily make you good at it, you were decent at best, Jack always made sure to be around and take care of you, though he used to encourage you to try and do it alone, so you would always go with Silver Pony, she wasn't a racing horse, she never sped up and you just loved going out with her. You loved that horse, and she loved you too.

"Hi girl, I missed you" you said excitedly as soon as you eyed her, the horse showing the same excitement to see you, moving her body and motioning her head towards you, so you'd pet her. You chuckled at how sweet your lovely friend was and got the saddle ready, just like the cowboy had taught you to do and in no time you were riding your beloved horse again. Not without attaching your fruit basket to her saddle, an old habit of picking up fresh fruit straight from the trees.

It was a very beautiful day, sunny and warm, and you only cursed under your breath for forgetting the beautiful hat Jack had gifted you. You smiled at the idea of going horseback riding with your son and your cowboy, it would definitely be a good family date, you decided you'd bring it up later that day.

You saw the fence that indicated the end of Jack's property and since you didn't have schedules or responsibility for the day, you just decided to ride further, as you hadn't been around the neighborhood in so long.

You hadn't taken your phone nor a watch so you had no idea how long you've been riding Silver Pony, you passed by the fruit trees, the neighbors' property and you only realized you'd gone far when you saw the cemetery gate. You swallowed hard, knowing this place without ever being there, you knew how long Jack had spent visiting the grave of his late wife and unborn son. He had the habit of visiting them very often, once a week at least, bringing them flowers and spending some time there, talking to them, as it was the only thing that could give his broken heart some comfort. Then, as the years passed and the pain still lingered there, he continued his ritual, only being able to actually reduce it once he met you, then his visits stopped being weekly, but he still felt the need of seeing them. You respected and understood that, even if it seemed a little too depressing at the time, but then, standing so near and yet so far from their grave, you felt an urge to go and see them. It came out of nowhere, you hadn't even thought of Jack's late family, they hadn't crossed your mind in days, but at that very moment you decided you needed to see her grave. You had never even considered doing so, but you would. Tying Silver Pony to a tree so she could relax under the shadows, you picked some wildflowers you found on the grass, feeling weird to walk inside empty-handed.

You weren't bothered by cemeteries, you didn't see the fuss in visiting them, but you didn't avoid it when you had to, seeing it was a simple place, a lot of green fields and flowers, one could say it was even a beautiful place. You walked around paying attention to the tombstones, wanting to find hers, which didn't take very long. Amongst the other simpler ones, hers stood with fresh flowers and a beautiful but sad sculpture of a cherub angel.

Of course Jack would get his wife nothing but the best. You took a step closer and lowered yourself, placing the wildflowers next to the other ones, a little shy at how simple your last minute tribute was, but you could feel she was a kind-hearted woman and wouldn't mind it at all.

"Gabriella Daniels

Loving mother and wife.

Gone but not forgotten"

The inscriptions on her tombstone were simple but it brought you a pang of sadness, watching how beautiful she was in the picture, she should be around Jack's age by then, and yet, she looked younger than you currently were. You'd been her age, but she would never live up to turn your age. It was sad and tragic, even if the date of her passing was more than two decades, it still felt so brutal to know a love was killed at such young stage, under such a painful way. She should've been able to celebrate anniversaries, give birth, watch her baby grow up next to her husband, and yet, it was all taken away from her. From him. From them.

Poor Gabriella was doomed to become forever young in a broken man's heart and mind, turned into memories and dust, while her young husband was doomed to becoming a lonely, brokenhearted man.

You spotted another plaque smaller, but right next to hers, and it shattered your heart.

"Jack Daniels Junior

An angel sent back to heaven"

Perhaps it was because you were now a mother and you witnessed the intense love a mother felt for her son, or just because you knew Jack Daniels and you witnessed the intense love a grieving father felt for his unborn son. But you let out a small sob, the tears insistently falling from your cheeks, as you watched those two tombstones. It might've been the proximity you had with the story, without even knowing them personally, but you were nonetheless affected by it.

However, it was still a distant tragedy, like the ones you often hear about and felt upset for a while, but then you move on, but standing there, in front of their graves, you could feel how real and intense it truly was. You could only think of Jack and the gruesome pain he felt, how your own chest tightened just at the mere thought of going through something similar, about losing him and your son.

It clicked, it all made sense to why he was so desperate about assurance, about a true indicator that he wouldn't lose you or Wyatt, that happiness wouldn't run away from him, escaping through his fingers like sand. Would it be so bad to actually give him a chance? An assurance? He wasn't the monster you had unconsciously built in your nightmares, yes, there was a part of him that was that monster for a while, when he broke your heart and pushed you away, but he had got back on his tracks. You sighed, shaking your head and trying to make a sense out of your thoughts. It was all so confusing and yet, you were so sure, at the undoubtedly uncertainty of life, at the proof nothing really lasted forever and at the realization that if you had a chance to be happy today, you shouldn't waste it thinking of the future that might have not even come,you felt sure of it, of it all.

You sat on the grass more comfortably and wiped your tears softly

"H-hi… I'm sorry, it's a little weird for me to do that… but I know Jack does it and it helps him. I guess you know me and I know you too, Gabriella. I'm very sorry for what happened to you and your beautiful baby boy, your absence was so painful to Jack but we both know he's strong and well, you and your baby Jack will always have a place in his heart. Our cowboy has done some shitty things, to me, and to our son, but he's found his way back to being his old sweet self… he's still a little corny and clueless, but that's part of his charm right?" You chuckled softly "thank you for being so good to him, but now I'll take care of our cowboy…"

You dried your tears and smiled more at yourself as you felt so light, so peaceful at the end of your… conversation.

You rushed to Silver Pony, caressing her head before hopping on your girl again. She took you home at a slow pace, giving you enough time to stop at the peach tree path, so you could pick some of them and take it home. You would make a peach pie for your cowboy, knowing he loved eating it with some vanilla ice cream just like his grandma had taught him to. Just by knowing how excited he would get, it made you happy and eager to get the sweet treat started. You could tell yourself you were just excited to see Jack's reaction at the fact he would enjoy his favorite childhood recipe, but in fact your heart was tightening to see your cowboy, you needed to see him, touch him, talk to him and enjoy the fact the two of you were there alive and well, healthy and happy, with a beautiful son and a bright future ahead.

Once Silver Pony finally reached the gates to Jack's property, you could see the Bronco parked and Wyatt rushing to you, running as fast as his little legs could take him, you got off the horse and placed the basket down, opening your arms to welcome him, embracing your son into a tight hug. You were so lucky to have your son so alive and well, snuggling Wyatt and letting him giggle and tell you all about the awesome day he spent next to his daddy. You nodded and stroked his curls, letting him speak for as long as he wanted, but eventually, he blushed and looked down in shame

"Mommy we have a pwoblem… daddy bought McDonald's fow lunch and he bought nuggies fow you, but I ate them" he said a little ashamed of eating everything and not letting one single nugget left for you. You bit your lips so you wouldn't burst out laughing at how funny and cute that was. Ruffing your hair, you let your son know it was alright.

Then you picked up your basket and rushed to Jack, who gave you a shy smile, not having enough time to say anything at all, as you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him deeply.

Whiskey didn't expect it, but as soon as your lips touched, he unconsciously glued your bodies together, not resisting you, there, so close to him. His hand gripping you at the same time you could see his confused expression, but you just shrugged.

"The answer is yes"

"What?"

"You know what question I'm talking about, cowboy, the answer is yes" you winked at him and caressed his smooth cheek.

Before Jack could add anything else, you grabbed his hat, placing it on your head and smirked

"Cowboy hat rule, Mr.Daniels"

____

A/N: I really hope you enjoy it besties, you are the whole reason why this cowboy gets so much love 🥺❤️

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cryptictongues · 3 months

Text

184 Days

pairing: Clive Rosfield x Flower!Reader Series rating: Mature (angst; tw listed below) word count: 13.6K summary: You have a hard time grieving after Clive's passing, even when you didn't need to grieve at all.

warnings: reader-insert (sorry lol), angst, hurt/comfort, reunions, grief/mourning, slight suicidal ideation, slight self-harm, depression, panic attacks, happy ending (yay!) - this is part of the Flower!Reader series! You don't need to have read the other two but there are references to them if that interests you.

Spoilers: This is post-game stuff. If you haven't played the game, beware.

TW's: This fic contains major themes of grief, so it is heavy. There is minor suicidal ideation and self-harm, not graphic in nature, but it is there. Depression and panic attacks are more common in this fic. If these topics don't sit right with you, please be cautious when reading. You may also reach out if you want to know specifics if you are worried!

Songs: I just want to share that I was constantly listening to When the Sun Hits by Slowdive, Thick Skull by Paramore, and Wicked Games by Chris Isaak.

LASTLY, I am sharing this on my birthday! My birthday gift to you all <3

[AO3 link]

Day 1

The Hideaway is full of people. People from all over Valisthea arrive in droves, coming to grant supplies, donate gil, and help around the Hideaway because today is the day; the day everyone here sends off Dion, Joshua, and Clive for their leave to Origin.

You are working overtime, helping with the final preparations before they take off. The biggest reason, however, for the hard work is the ever creeping anxiety filling your body as the time ticks closer to Clive’s departure; from his friends and family, and from you. This day has been a long time coming, yet now that it’s here you can barely stomach the thought of him leaving. With that thought lingering, every moment together has been even more precious than the next.

Every moment of free time has been spent together. With today being the day of departure, your last moments together were last night. You both made love all night, and in between sessions would talk about what you two will do once he comes back; creating the life of your dreams together. Yet, in the back of your mind, all you could think was those thoughts were just that: dreams. You don’t know what will happen during Clive’s mission. But it’s fun to play pretend, and to envision what life could have in store for the two of you.

The sun was in its golden state before its colors showed, telling you it’s almost time. You see everyone gathering on the main deck, Clive and co included, talking with one another as they say their farewells and safe travels. You start your way there, walking slowly as if it would prevent the inevitable. You know the moment you reach Clive, it would only be a matter of minutes before he is no longer within your grasp.

You see Clive talking to Jill, bringing her in for a tight hug as he continues. You see a shake in her shoulders, telling you she feels the same way you do. Just as hard as it is to wish your lover away, it must be just as hard to watch the man who has become a brother figure leave. They grew up together, after all.

You give a farewell to Prince Dion and Joshua once on the deck, giving Dion a firm handshake and a bow, while Joshua brings you in for a hug. You didn’t know Dion for long, but Joshua is a different story. Getting to know your lover’s brother has brought you closer to the both of them. Seeing how happy Clive was with Joshua around made your heart swell. You wonder if Joshua ever felt the same about you two.

Joshua let’s go of you, a melancholy smile drawn on his face. “Thank you, _____. Thank you for taking care of my brother.”

You shake your head. “No, thank you for finding each other again. I will be praying for the three of you to safely return to us.”

“I appreciate that, my lady.” Joshua thanks, yet his eyes shift, and he nods. “Here he comes.”

You turn to see Clive approaching you, and you already feel your chest growing tight and eyes water. He is standing before you, looking as beautiful as he always has, but with a sorrowful look that says everything you feel. It’s unfair, really. It devastates you that he is the one to stop all the madness, when in a perfect world he would stay. You keep telling yourself this isn’t the end, yet your gut keeps telling you otherwise.

“____.”

“Would it be selfish of me to ask you to stay? To ask to let the world go to hell?”

Clive smiles, solemnly chuckling at your suggestions. “Never.”

You reach for his left hand with both hands, holding it as you rub your thumbs into his palm. “I know it would be futile, all the same.” You utter. “There would be no life worth living for anyone. I just wish things could be different.”

“I am doing this for a better future for everyone. It is what the world deserves.” Clive’s other hand covers your hands in full. “I must do this, so you and I can live the future we’ve always talked about.”

“I wish I could take your place, so I could guarantee your safety.” You choke out, the waterworks starting.

Clive is quick to react, pulling you into him as you sob softly into his chest. “Knowing you will be safe here will be reason enough for me to make it back to you.” Your hands squeeze his sides, his statement making you want to sob harder. Clive pulls back, taking one hand to lift your head to get a good look at you. “I promise I will be back. Wait for me.”

You nod frantically, sniffling as you take deep breaths to calm down. Clive’s forehead leans against yours, his thumb brushing continuous strokes on your cheek, before pressing a gentle kiss against your lips. You accept his kiss, giving it your all knowing the outcome is unknown. Both of your lips linger, not wanting to pull away because once one of you does, he will be on his way.

Clive pulls away slightly, his lips still lingering near your own. “I love you, ____.”

“I love you too.” You whisper, placing one more kiss to his lips before pulling away. “I have something for you.”

You reach into the pouch you keep attached to your corset belt and pull out a lily. You thread the stem in between the crease of his corset and tunic, the tightness of his uniform keeping the flower in place. You brush his chest, stalling him a little longer before you accept it is time. “Lily represents reunion. With this flower, you shall come back to me.”

Clive sucks in a breath, releasing with a shutter as if he was on the verge of tears. “I will, no matter what.”

You feel a hand on your shoulder, and you turn to see Jill still sniffling with watery eyes. She smiles at you before looking at Clive. “We will take care of each other.”

You feel something rub against your thigh and look to see Torgal rubbing his head on you. You smile, rubbing behind his ears. “Torgal will look out for us too.”

Clive hums, appreciating the sight before him. “This is farewell for now. Till then, we have a god to kill.”

Everyone has now formed a semi-circle around the three dominants about to depart, watching as they walk towards the end of the deck. They pick up their pace, all of them running until they are no longer in sight. A bright light goes off and the next thing everyone sees is Bahamut carrying Clive and Joshua towards an event that will shape the world.

You are sitting on the main deck, legs dangling off the side as you continue to stare off into the horizon. You haven’t left since Clive left, the golden hour long gone and twilight having come and gone, dusk now settling in the sky. It feels like it has been hours since his departure, when in reality it has only been a few. You wonder if they have made it to Origin yet, if the battle has started, if Ultima has been defeated… if they have met their maker for good. That thought makes you shiver.

You hear footsteps coming from behind you before a presence sits right beside you. You don’t look, but the aura alone tells you it’s Jill and you smile slightly. She puts an arm around you, pulling you into her as you both continue to look into the distance, like they would be back any second. She twists your hair, which comforts you in a way, and you hum. It is silent for a while, watching the sky continue to grow darker and darker until the sky is black with its pearls.

“Have you prayed to Metia today?” You break the silence with a question. Jill’s fixation that Metia answers prayers is comforting in these moments, especially when every prayer she has spoken through her heart has come true.

She shakes her head. “I haven’t, but only because I wanted you to join me. Our hearts combined will help, no doubt.”

You nod your head, and you both move into a position that faces Metia herself, kneeling before her with hands clasped together. You bow your head, and say your prayer in your head, letting your heart translate it in a way that only Metia understands. You pray for everyone’s safe return with little to no injury. You pray they come back healthy and happy. You pray for the dawn of a new age where you and Clive help build a world you two can grow old in. You pray for everything to be okay. You raise your head as you finish, and you admit that some weight has been lifted off your chest, but an uneasiness still sticks. You turn your head to see Jill finishing her own prayer, and she looks towards you with her hand reaching for yours. You give her your right hand and she grips it with a smile. “Metia has listened to our prayers. Now, we wait.”

“Jill, your faith that everything will be okay is admirable. I wish I had your confidence.” You confess, the sour feeling remaining deep in your body.

“For the longest time, I thought Clive was long dead. I believed that Metia hadn’t listened. And next thing I know, there he is. Granted, it was years later.” She squeezes your hand, and turns so your knees are touching hers. “That’s why I have faith that they will return to us.”

“Maybe your faith will rub off on me, and not the other way around with my worries.” You chuckle, trying to make light of the night.

“No matter what happens,” Jill reassures, “I will be here for you. We will be here for each other.”

You nod, and bring her in for a hug, squeezing her tightly which she returns. “Thank you, Jill. For everything.”

You both stay there for a minute, until next thing you know you hear running on the deck. You pull away to see Gav running towards you two, panic clear on his face. “Ah fuck,” he breathes in and out as he approaches. “Edda is in labor. All hands on deck.”

You and Jill gasp in unison, both jumping up to run to the infirmary to help bring new life into this world. And hopefully, a new one.

Day 2

“Alright, one more push, Edda.”

You are sitting behind Edda, letting her use your hands for her death grip as she continuously pushes and wails out in pain. You, Jill, and Mid are giving her words of encouragement as she continues her labor, and after one final push Tarja fully delivers the baby. A cry echoes throughout the room and the atmosphere is full of happiness and relief.

“Can I come in yet?” You hear Gav yell from the other side of the door.

“She just gave birth, Gav. Give us a minute.” Tarja yells, eyes rolling hard at Gav’s common sense.

“He’s just excited,” Jill chimes in. “As we all are.”

“Congratulations, Edda! It’s a boy!” Tarja finishes cleaning off the baby, kneeling beside Edda as she passes him off to her. You watch Edda admire her baby boy for the first time, her smile brightening up the room as she talks to him.

Seeing them interact stirs you with an emotion you wish to experience directly. You and Clive have talked about having children, making it clear you two wouldn’t have any until the world has been set straight. But you two would talk about what it would be like to have a little you or a little him running around or both. You imagine cradling a little boy in your arms, giggling as you shower him with kisses. You imagine Clive holding a little girl, swaying her around while singing a melody. Two giggly children to call your own with the man you have fallen madly in love with. You feel as if your heart could burst from the thought.

“_____, can you go up to the rear stacks to grab more towels off the lines?” Mid asks, taking you out of your sappy daydreams. You snap out of it, humming in the affirmative before moving away from Edda and heading to the door. You could barely get out the door before almost being trampled by Gav, running in like a mad man. “Let me see! Let me see!”

You chuckle to yourself, exiting the room and heading to the linen lines. Even when things seem dark, you can’t help but keep smiling at everyone’s high spirits tonight. You suppose new life being brought into the world will do that to people because it sure as hell is doing that for you. It’s a good distraction, and you accept it with open arms.

You grab some towels from the line, cradling them in your arms securely as you make your descent to the main deck and up the stairs to the infirmary. You reach the infirmary doors when you are once again almost hit by a body, except this time it was Jill. One quick look at her made it apparent she was crying. She doesn’t spare you a glance as she runs down the stairs, sobs fading as she goes further down. You turn to the open door, shock clear on your face. “What happened?”

Gav and Mid look at you like they don’t know what to say. You look at Gav, tears streaming down his face, and it’s like everything hits you all at once. Towels drop from your arms, your arms no longer working as your body starts to erupt. “No,” you shudder. “No.” You kept repeating yourself, not quite believing what’s happening. No words spoken, and yet everyone is saying your worst nightmare out loud.

You could see Gav wanted to say something, but before a word could break the glass box you were building around yourself, you ran. You ran right out the door, and ran as fast as you could to Clive’s chambers. You slam the door shut, starting to pace back and forth with your fists yanking your hair. You turn to the balcony doors, and run to them, slamming them wide open before looking out into the distance. You see the moon, as bright and big as ever, yet Metia no longer shines in its vibrancy. You hear a howl and see Torgal and Jill, Jill’s head tilted down as her body continues to shake. Jill’s connection with Metia was enough to tell you that something terrible has happened: Clive is dead.

You back away from the door, utter disbelief and pain seeping into your lungs. He promised. He promised he would return to me. Your mind keeps reeling, and next thing you know you find yourself in Clive’s bed, wrapping yourself in his covers tightly to encapsulate his lingering scent. Sobs devastate your body, almost to the point of not being able to breathe. But you embraced it, for you wish you could stop breathing all together in this moment.

You fall asleep with choked up airways and puffy eyes, dreams full of a future that’s no longer possible. You dream of him and him alone. You fall asleep in the dead of night, missing the sun greet Valisthea into a new era.

Day 5

Clive would’ve thought he was dead if it weren’t for the loud thumping in his head. He slowly comes to, the first thing he sees being light. It takes him a few seconds to adjust, his eyes working overtime against the strain. He feels sand, and hears the sound of waves. He goes to move his fingers when he notices he can’t move the ones on his left hand. He brings his left arm to his view and sees his hand is completely petrified. He couldn’t see the rest of his arm, but could feel the lack of blood and flesh ending right above his elbow. He pushes himself up with his good arm, hunching over in his spot as he breathes the salty air deeply.

Origin. He had defeated Ultima. The crystal in the sky was destroyed and now he finds himself here on this beach. Based on his surroundings, he concludes he is on the coast of Storm, even though the dark coast was no longer dark, but bright. It could have easily been mistaken for a coastline off of Valisthea, but behind him were still the dead brush of the continent.

He wonders how long he’s been out for. He vaguely remembers waking up, but not long enough to recollect anything. He reaches up to his face to touch his facial hair, feeling the scruff that has grown out slightly. A few days, he thinks. It was a mere few days ago when he left the Hideaway with Dion and his brother, and now he is the only one left. It burns him up inside knowing he couldn’t save them, and the fact he watched his brother die not once, but twice weighs heavy on his heart. Especially because if Ultima hadn’t chosen him as his vessel, he most likely would have become the Phoenix and Joshua would be alive and safe. He couldn’t be sure, of course, but alas.

Clive knows it does no good to think this way. Just like he would have done anything to save Joshua, he knows just as well Joshua would’ve done everything to save him. He knew Joshua would want him to help bring Valisthea and Storm into a new age. And most importantly, he knew Joshua wanted him to be happy, and deserved as much. I cannot delve into what was, but what can. And what he can focus on is the future, especially one with you.

Clive suddenly remembers the lily you had given him, and scrambles to retrieve it from his pant pouch with some difficulty due to one available hand. He felt its petals, still smooth and soft, and pulled it out to see it still looked brand new. He lets out a stuttered breath, eyes watering slightly. He almost couldn’t believe that after everything it had managed to stay in one piece, but he knew it was because you had blessed him with it. You had grown it, cared for it, and plucked it for him, and it was his turn to care for it. Just as well, it was time to keep his promise: to come back to you. He has been away for too long, and he must make haste now.

Clive sighs and slowly starts to stand up, gathering his bearings so as to not get too dizzy. He stands still for a moment, breathing in deeply once more to ensure he won’t collapse before assessing his situation. He will need a boat. He thinks he could find a port somewhere, and worse comes to worse he travels to Waloed to get one there. He will need to eat something to gain some semblance of energy to do said travel. The biggest obstacle for him will be his arm, a heavy weight on his body that doesn’t help his fatigue. He will have to find something to make it more manageable until he can get back to the Hideaway.

He starts to walk up the beach towards the woods; body heavy from his wet clothes, stone arm, and tired eyes. But he will move forward, for you are waiting back home for him and his safe return. No matter the cost, he will make it home to you.

“Darling, wait for me. I’m coming home.”

Day 14

It has been two weeks since the end of Origin, and to say you haven’t been grieving well is an understatement. You have a hard time getting out of bed these days, and your motivation to do anything is abysmal. You know your numbness is unsettling to other Hideaway members, many not knowing what to say when they see you. It’s like they saw you change overnight; your happy, go lucky self now tainted with expressionless reactions.

Gav has officially transitioned as the new Cid, but has yet to move into what will be his new room. He only comes in to do some paperwork, and read his latest messages. Oftentimes he will come to you, asking if he can get you anything, and he gets the same response from you every time: a subtle shake of your head. You are grateful that he lets you stay here as the smell of Clive’s sheets is the only thing keeping you from breaking all together.

You had forced yourself out of bed today to go to the Backyard. You sat beside the flower bed, staring at the flowers hoping for something to happen. Flowers were your comfort for a long time, and now it is like they have no effect at all. You look at the lilies that are off to the side, and all you can do is scoff. Reunion my foot.

You hear footsteps and paws coming down the stairs. You know it is Torgal and Jill, especially when Torgal has been stuck to Jill’s side for the last two weeks. You can’t blame him. You wouldn’t want to be around you either.

“You came to pay the flowers a visit. They’ve missed you.”

“They aren’t very good at showing it.” You shrug. You have been here for a few hours, and your mood hasn’t changed. You feel empty.

“Hortense is holding a sewing class for some new arrivals. You should come and say hi.” Jill says gently, not wanting to make your mood shift further south.

Deep down, you know you’ve let Jill down. You had promised to be there for her like she had with you, yet your own self pity refuses to acknowledge your lack of empathy. The demon residing in your brain just tells you that no one understands. It doesn’t matter if everyone is grieving about the three’s passing; your happy ending relied on your lover coming back to you. Everyone else can move on, keeping him in their memory. You can’t because a part of you is now dead with him.

You move to stand up, not wanting to bring her down with you. “They won’t want to see me. I’ll just make a fool out of myself.”

You move to head upstairs when Torgal blocks your walking route, and Jill gets in front of you. She grabs your shoulders, looking at you intently. You can see she is trying hard not to break in front of you, making that deep part of you scream to get over yourself. “Please, _____. You are an important asset to the Hideaway; the Jack of all Trades. I know they would love to meet you. The more kind people like you they meet, the more comfortable they will be here.”

Even since the end of Origin, new arrivals have continued to come in, many wanting to help with the cause. Even though bearers no longer have the power of magicks, it has led to more violence against those with the mark. This has led to everyone working more tirelessly to make strides for a future with new hope reinstated. You have yet to meet many of them, the motivation to do so never in your favor.

“Clive would want you to continue his legacy.”

You wanted to scream. You wanted to scream how his legacy has taken him away from you. You know your way of thinking is irrational, but the rational part of you is a mountain ready to avalanche. With the last bit you have, you take a deep breath, knowing she is right. He would want you to continue living, even without him.

“Okay,” you nod. “I’ll meet them. I can’t promise I’ll come off as kind. Even if I wanted to, I don’t have the strength.”

Jill smiles, brushing hair from your face. “All I ask is that you try. We miss you.”

You three ascend the stairs, Jill locking arms with you as if you’d run away. You make it to the main deck, seeing Hortense and a few new faces sitting in a circle. Hortense waves, signaling you three to join in. “_____, it is so good for you to join us!”

“It’s, um, great to be here.” You say, trying to come off as happy.

You, Jill, and Torgal join the circle, quick introductions being passed around before Hortense starts her lesson. She is doing a lesson on basic sewing techniques using cross-stitching circles, showing everyone different patterns, styles, and methods for different types of fabrics. One of the new arrivals, Greta you remember her name being, was looking at your stitching constantly. You turn to look at her, and she quickly turns away. You look at her work, and you can tell she is struggling a little bit.

“Hey,” you say slightly above a whisper. “Try this.”

You show her a trick when it comes to tightening the thread, making it so it won’t want to fall apart. “Okay, now you try.”

Greta follows your method to a T, going slowly as she does it from memory. She smiles, seeing how well it worked. “That’s genius! Thank you so much!”

You nod, going back to your own work with a subtle smile on your face. You remember when you first learned how to sew, and how difficult it was for you. You remember when you had to learn on your own, Hortense having too much on her plate. You forgot how good it was to help others, and even if this feeling is for a moment, you feel lighter. You face Jill to see her glancing at you, a grin on her face as she continues messing with her circle of fabric. You know she is punching the air in success in her mind right now.

The session lasts for roughly an hour, and Hortense puts it to a close. “I’ll hold another class next week. Feel free to practice in the meantime.”

‘Yes ma'am’ is said in unison, and everyone departs to get ready for supper. You and Jill stay behind, helping Hortense put stuff away and create small chatter. As you all finish up, you pull Jill aside, feeling the need to say something. “Jill, I want to thank you. But most importantly, I want to apologize for not being there for you as well. I promise to do better by you.”

“Oh, _____,” Jill coos, bringing you in for a hug. “It’s okay. I understand your pain. We will get through this.”

You two continue like this, and all you can think is maybe this is a new start. Maybe you can start grieving in a better way than you have been. You know it won’t happen overnight, but after days of feeling like you’ve been dragged into a hole, you sense you can see the light.

Someone is yelling from afar, and you pull back to see a woman walking quickly to Hortense, a basket of what looks to be freshly clean linens in her hands. You and Jill walk over to see the commotion, only to see another new face. Hortense motions you two over, grinning from ear to ear with the woman beside her. “Ah, _____! I don’t think the two of you have met. This is Willow. She’s been helping me a lot with many of the laundry duties.”

“Oh Lady _____, it is so lovely to meet you.” Willow says, bowing her head slightly. “Also, lovely to see you again Lady Jill.”

You bow slightly, not used to such formalities towards yourself. Jill chimes in, glee in her tone. “You as well. Thank you for helping Hortense during this time. I know she surely appreciates it.”

“Of course!” Willow chirps. “I was coming over here to tell her the linens for the beds are done. Lady ____, I was able to clean your sheets as well so you will have a freshly made bed for tonight.”

You stop breathing, your ears deceiving you. “W-what?”

Willow was still smiling, not catching on to the atmospheric shift. “Your sheets! Hortense got me to get all the bed linens for a wash, but I went ahead and had your bed made as a good gesture.”

Your heart is hammering in your chest, and your vision is starting to blur. She cleaned the sheets. She cleaned Clives sheets. Not yours, but Clives. The one thing you had left of him, the one thing that still smelled like him, the one thing that made it feel like he wasn’t completely gone from the world, vanishing right before your eyes. You are starting to breathe hard, everything around you is no longer real. It is just you being thrown back into your suffocating glass box, and being thrown back into that dreaded hole. You can hear voices, but can’t distinguish what is being said. It’s when you feel a hand on your shoulder that the glass shatters, leaving you bloody in the dark, dank hole.

You collapse, the flood gates opening with shrieks and agonizing sobs. You are hitting the wood, small splinters digging into your fist as you continue. You didn’t care because no pain was more painful than what you are feeling right now. You hear running, and more commotion in the background.

“There is nothing to see here, take your leave.” It’s Gav. It fucking Gav.

“_____, please get up. What happened?”

“This is my fault.” Hortense says mortified. “I didn’t tell Willow that room was off limits.”

Your breathing is now rapid, sucking air and pushing it out because it isn’t enough. Arms wrap around you and you thrash around, yelling and screaming to let you go. “Get the fuck off of me!”

Gav has you upright and the rage you are now feeling bubbles out, turning into hitting his chest. “You are the only other person that goes in there, and you didn’t notice the fucking sheets were gone?! How could you let this happen?!”

“Please, _____. I just got back from Lostwing. I haven’t been there since early this morning.” Gav reasons, getting a grip on you with your arms secure so you wouldn’t do something you regret.

“That was all I had left of him.” You wail. “All I had was his scent and now it’s gone! It’s all fucking gone! He’s gone!”

“I got her from here. You three go have dinner.” Gav picks you up bridal style, walking up the main deck stairs. You are still crying, and your vision is blurry but you can still make out what is behind you. Willow is hugging Hortense, both visibly upset. But then you see Jill, who is standing there looking at the ground, none moving. Torgal is nudging her, but she won’t budge.

I’m sorry, Jill. I broke my promise.

Day 31

One month. It has been one month since Clive’s death, and you are no longer alive; a living corpse that lays in bed for days and days on end. You only get up to use the privy chambers, but other than that you lay there. Nothing is enjoyable anymore. The idea of going to the Backyard, to the Shelves, or even the Ale House is unappealing. Gav usually brings you food, sometimes Jill, but you barely touch it. You eat a little, but your appetite is non-existent; you eat only when your stomach tells you to.

People don’t visit you like they did. Sometimes Jill, Tarja, and even Jote would come in for a short time. They would try talking to you, they would rub your side to bring comfort, they would brush your hair, yet you wouldn’t react. Those visits have slowly dissipated, and you can’t blame them.

You hate what Clive’s passing has turned you into. You never thought grief would transform you so poorly. Grief isn’t new to you, just as it isn’t new for most people in the realm. You grieved when your parents passed, you grieved when Hideaway members didn’t return from missions, you grieved when Titan and his Dhalmekian goons killed so many innocent people in the Old Hideaway. But Clive is your one true love; the one man that was able to intertwine his soul with yours. They say once the soul has been torn into two, it never fully recovers.

You get up from the bed with all the strength you can muster. As you stand, you face the mirror from across the room, and what you see makes you shutter. You walk over slowly, not quite believing that it is you in the reflection. Your fingertips drag along the cool surface, slightly dissociating in the process. What was once full and bright features were now hollowed from lack of sleep, crying, lack of appetite, and the grief that’s swallowing you.

“By the Founder, I look dreadful.”

You want to heal. You want to get better. Your soul is waiting for your shell of a body to hatch, so it may continue to live. But how can you do that in a place where everywhere you look, you see him? Every corner of the Hideaway is covered with Clive’s aspirations, dreams, and ideas. If you want to move on, to grieve healthily, you can’t stay here. You need to be somewhere that takes you back to a time before Clive.

The moon shines brightly in the room, giving you enough light to maneuver around. You pack a small bag of your belongings, only with things that would benefit your travels, and dress yourself in clothes to protect you from the elements. Once situated, you walk over to what was once Clive’s desk and sit down. You grab the quill and a scroll, and look at the blank paper. Your eyes start to water, knowing this decision will ruffle some feathers, and will create a form of worry you won’t be here to satiate. You think about getting back into bed and forgetting about what you are about to do, but you know this is a must. You are holding everyone in the Hideaway back, and you can’t support the cause if you aren’t getting better.

You must do this, so therefore you write.

“What do you mean she left?” Jill raises her voice, the shock clear in her tone.

Gav had come into Clive’s old chambers to send some letters out to town leaders when he saw the bed was empty and made, with a scroll lying on top of the pillow. When Gav opened it, and read the words on the page, he immediately called for an urgent meeting with the main Hideaway members.

“She left this on the bed.” Gav states solemnly, passing it to Otto who is on his right. “Long story short, she doesn’t want to be found. She didn’t give a direct location to where she was heading. All she said is she will send word when she is ready to communicate.”

“She isn’t in the right state of mind to go out by herself!” Tarja says with irritation. “What is she thinking?!”

“How would she have even left? We only have one boat, no?” Tomes questions.

“We have a second boat in case the one Obolus uses is in need of repair.” Otto mutters, looking at the scroll a tad longer before passing it off to the next person.

Jill stands up from her seat, huffing as she turns to take her leave. Gav stands with her, already reading her mind. “Where the bloody fuck you think you’re going?!

“Rather than us wasting our breath, I’m going to go find her!” Jill shouts, frustration built into her face.

Tarja stands up quickly to grab Jill’s arm. “Now wait a damn second. We need a plan before we start going out willy nilly.”

“As you said, she isn’t in the right mindset to be out by herself. She could be dead in a ditch for all we know.” Jill seethes, pissed that nobody seems to be as fearful for her friend as she is.

“She is strong, Jill.”

Everyone turns to Jote, who is never one to chime in unless need be. She is holding the scroll, looking at it as she speaks. “I don’t know her as well as you all may, but from what I do know she is very resilient. She wouldn’t leave unless necessary, and this letter proves as much.”

Everyone is quiet, thinking caps on as they process Jote’s words. The first words spoken after the pregnant silence is Otto, turning to Gav seriously. “Gav, you are the leader of the Hideaway now. It is your call.”

Gav ponders for a moment, a bit torn of what action is best to take. You are family and he wants to know you are safe. He also doesn’t want to get in the way of what you need to do to get better. He fears sending Hideaway members out to find you will make things worse.

“I think,” Gav pauses, sighing in the process. “I will alert town leaders around Valisthea to keep their eyes peeled for her. If she doesn’t want to be bothered, we shouldn’t intrude. Getting a location on her though would be beneficial for us to ensure she is at least safe.”

“Gav is right,” Otto agrees. “She will need to go into towns for essentials and will probably pass through a few.”

“If we don’t hear anything within a month's time, we will start sending out some search parties, but as I said we cannot bother her if we find her. We have to hope she will reach out to us when she is ready.” Gav continues, giving everyone a once over to see if his words are reciprocated.

Agreements are shared, some more hesitant than others, before Gav dismisses everyone to their daily duties. When the last person leaves, Gav collapses into his seat, taking deep breaths as he runs his hands over his face.

“May Greagor be with you, _____.” Gav whispers to himself.

Day 40

You can’t sleep, constantly shifting under the covers with no sense of relief. You feel hot, which is abnormal for this cool night. You start to burn up, skin flaring until it starts to burn. You sit up, panicking as you throw the covers off of you before you freeze, breath caught in your throat. In the moonlight, there is a figure sitting across the room from you, head bowed down with arms in their lap. You panic in silence, not knowing whether to fight or flight.

“You’re awake.” That voice. You know that voice all too well.

“C-Clive?” You stutter, not trusting your voice to break the quiet.

Silence suffocates the room. You wait for a response, but he just sits there. You move off the bed and walk towards him slowly, feeling off about what you are experiencing. He’s dead. Metia’s star went out. This can’t be real.

You are standing in front of him now, your bare toes touching his boots. He still doesn’t move, so you move your hands to his head, messing with the strands of hair from his head. “Clive, is it really you?”

“You left.” You pause, his tone off. Is he not happy to see me?

“Clive, I thought you were dead. We all did.”

“And yet, you still left.” He growls, finally moving his hands to grip your waist tightly, on the verge of pain. “You promised to wait for me. You broke that promise.”

“Clive,” you choke. “I’m sorry I-”

“You broke your promise to Jill.”

“I didn’t mean to!”

“You abandoned the Hideaway, my legacy, like it was nothing!”

“Clive, you’re hurting me.” You are crying now. His fingers are digging into your side hard, and you look to see he is shaking with anger.

“This is nothing in comparison to how you have hurt me!” He yells, and he lifts his head, causing you to gasp. His eyes are orange, glowing bolder and bolder the more worked up he got. You try to pry his grip off of you, but to no avail.

“Please, Clive!” You cry harder. “I love you, I'm sorry for leaving! I should have stayed!”

“You are too late, _____.” He seethes.

“Because I don’t love you anymore.”

You shoot up from your bed, screaming in a cold sweat. You look around the room like a mad woman, trying to gauge your surroundings. A wave of nausea overcomes you and you fall to the floor, vomiting from the absolute madness that occurred in your head. You dry heave on the floor, waiting for the next course of nausea to arrive but it never came. You sat up so your back was against the bed, relieved you weren’t going to be sick again, yet frustrated all the same.

You arrived in Dhalmekia four days ago. Originally, you set out to find your childhood home where you grew up with your parents, but when you arrived at the village off to the left of the Northern Velkroy, it had all but been abandoned. Your home, that was left with memories of your old life, ravaged from what you could assume to be bandits. So you kept going, hitchhiking a few rides before traveling on foot. That is when you found a small, two room cottage down in the Fields of Corava, a place you weren’t aware of, having never been south of Dalimil. There was minimal damage; a broken window and some chipped flooring. It was a better place to stay for the time being.

Ever since arriving, however, your mind has conjured terrible dreams with it being the same every time. It was always you and Clive in this room with him degrading your worth. The first night didn’t feel real, knowing that Clive would never act as such with you. But tonight, after having it for the fourth time in a row, your heart is waning.

You stare at the chair you saw Clive in, an increasing amount of anguish washing over you as you look. He’s gone. Your fingers dig into your thighs, trying to ground yourself. He’s gone. You start to choke on air, not wanting the cries of grief released from your lungs. He’s gone.

He’s gone.

He’s fucking gone!

The shell cracks, the quiet night becomes piercing as you scream. You shoot up to the chair, taking it and bashing it into the floor. You keep screaming, the splinters from the chair and the floor growing with each smack. No matter the ache your body is having, the adrenaline rushing through your it has given your grief new purpose; a cathartic event that is shaping your mentality.

The chair is nothing but wood; the bare bones of it. You get up to open the door, chucking the wood outside the door with rage. The splintered wood digs into your hands, your emotional distress covering any semblance of physical pain. Your screams have turned into wails, angry tears dripping from your face to the floor.

This rage inside of you stirred by grief makes you feel like you're dying. If anyone told you that Clive’s death would make you transform into the living dead, you’d laugh. How could anyone make you feel dead when you were the cheerful jack of the Hideaway?

The wood is now dispersed all across the field before you, bathing in the pure light of the moon. You sink into the cottage where the dark swallows you, slamming the door shut and sliding down it as your body continues its assault. Your bloody hands grip at your hair as you rock back and forth, chanting the same two words over and over.

He’s gone.

Day 70

The atmosphere at the Hideaway was the same like any other day. People were up doing their tasks or simply enjoying the day; it has been the same old, same old.

That is, until the bell on the pier sounded off.

“What is going on?!” Jill yells, everyone looking over the main deck to see the commotion. The bell is only used for emergencies, like if an enemy were to approach the Hideaway. However, Jill sees that people weren’t panicking, but rejoicing.

Gav runs up to Jill alarmed, trying to get a sense of what’s happening. “Oh fuck me! What’s going on?!”

“That’s what I’m trying to find out.” Jill says, her and Gav picking up the pace as they walk to see the situation at hand; both ready to take action. The two of them push through the crowd, finally reaching the railing that sees over the pier. The first instant Jill looks down, a gasp is let out with her hand covering her mouth and eyes bulging.

“No fucking way,” Gav whispers, not quite believing what he is seeing.

But their eyes do not betray them, for the bell has rang not for an emergency situation, but a message that he is alive. Clive is alive.

“He made it… Great Greagor he fucking made it!” Gav cheers.

“Clive!” Jill yells.

Clive looks up to the main deck to see two of his cherished friends, and right as he makes eye contact with them, he makes a run for the lift. Gav and Jill follow his lead, running in the direction he is to come to officially greet him. The minute Clive steps out from the lift, Gav and Jill are on him, hugging him tightly to make sure he isn’t here to haunt the place.

“You’re alive!” Jill elates.

“I apologize for my late return. I didn’t realize I’d be sorely missed.” Clive jokes, watching as more people gather around them.

“Are you kidding? This place has been falling apart without you!” Gav exaggerates.

It makes Clive chuckle, placing his hand on Gav’s shoulder as he pulls back. “Seeing all the new faces, I doubt that. And that is thanks to you. Thank you for keeping the Hideaway safe.”

Clive feels something rub his leg, and looks to see Torgal rubbing his head against him. He bends down, using his good arm to rub behind Torgal’s ears. “Torgal, have you been a good boy since I’ve been away?”

“Clive,” Jill gasps. “You’re arm.”

During Clive’s travels back home, his arm had become more of a nuisance if anything. He is a strong man; he can wield swords made of the heaviest metals, no problem. But to have an appendage weigh more than the other, well, that is a whole different situation. He had ripped part of his cape and created a sling to keep his arm in place, making travel more bearable.

Clive stands up straight, rubbing his stoned arm. “Yeah… I didn’t get away completely unscathed.” Clive draws out. “But nevertheless, we won.”

“What of Joshua and Dion?” Jill asks, even though the look in her eyes tells him she already knows. All he could do was shake his head.

“I suppose I have a lot of explaining to do.” Clive says, having much to tell.

“You will, but not before we get your arm sorted out.”

“Of course,” Clive chuckles, and turns to see Tarja with her arms crossed and hip out. He is so happy to be back amongst friends and family, ready to truly cherish his time after a battle where he could have easily perished. But most importantly, he is ready to see you.

Truth be told, Clive’s travels back to Valisthea were consumed mostly by you. All he could think about was how he craves for you to be in his warm embrace, giving him kisses and caresses that would heal him for a lifetime. To be away from you for so long is agony, and what has kept him going was knowing the future is now his and yours; one where you both can live lives worth living.

He looks around and sees a bunch of familiar faces approach, his original crew gathering around him as they welcome his return. He scans the crowd, nodding to everyone and granting a smile. However, he doesn’t see you within the sets of familiar faces.

“Where’s _____?” Clive asks, scanning the crowd once more for your face.

Everyone goes silent, glancing at one another trying to communicate. An uneasy feeling settles in Clive’s pit, not liking the reaction he got with his simple question.

Tarja is the first to speak up, diverting the question quickly with urgency. “We can talk about her later, but first we need to do something about your arm straight away. Jill. Gav. Take him to the infirmary. I’ll be up there shortly.” There was a look in Tarja’s eyes that told Clive she wouldn’t be there for a while, which made that uneasy feeling grow bolder.

Gav and Jill suddenly hook arms with Clive on either side, walking fast so he had no choice but to follow. Clive could feel himself getting frustrated, having wanted to see you for days upon days and not being granted that wish immediately upon his return.

He leans down to Jill’s ear, needing an explanation immediately. “Where is she?”

“It is better we explain once we are upstairs.” Jill reasons, although there is a shake in her voice.

The four of them get into the infirmary, Jill and Gav situating Clive on a cot. Gav whispers to Jill, her nodding in response as he jogs out of the room. Clive looks at her, a million thoughts running through his head at their peculiarness.

“Jill, what is happening?”

Jill twiddles her thumbs, taking deep breaths as she prepares herself. She looks down at the floorboards, and Clive can feel the tension in the room. “Some things happened while you were away, Clive.” Her breath trembles. “You aren’t going to be happy with what I’m about to say.”

“You are worrying me, Jill.” Clive says, trying to stay calm. “Please tell me what’s happened.”

Jill looks up, eyes starting to gloss over. She places her hands over Clive’s right hand, squeezing it gently. “The night of Origin. Metia’s star went out, and I couldn’t feel you anymore after that. I thought you were dead.

“Jill,” Clive says in a low tone. “I apologize for causing so much grief.”

“We all thought you died.” Jill laughs solemnly. “Seeing you right now doesn’t feel real.”

Clive squeezes Jill’s hands as a means to comfort her, as well as to urge her to continue. She shakes her head, tears as icy Shiva’s magick slipping down her face. “We all took it very hard. Some held hope, but after weeks of no signs of your return, everyone had accepted it.”

Jill’s breath stutters. “But Greagor, Clive. _____ took it so hard.” The tears started to fall, Jill shaking as she continued. “She wouldn’t get out of bed, wouldn’t eat… oh Greagor she wouldn’t talk to anyone. She would just lay there no matter what we tried to do.”

Clive thinks his heart just tore. The thought of you like that made him ill. And the past tense of Jill’s words make the air all the more suffocating.

“Where is she, Jill? Let me see her, please.” He pleads, needing to show you that he lives and has come back to her.

“I’m sorry,” Jill cries, her head bowing onto their intertwined hands. “I’m so sorry, Clive.”

“Jill talk to me, please!” He begs before hearing the door to the infirmary open, only to see Gav with a small scroll in his hand.

“Gav, you need to tell me what has happened.” Clive says sternly, knowing another second longer with no answer will send him into a frenzy.

Gav shows him the scroll, making Clive gently let go of Jill’s hands to reach for it but before he could grab it Gav backed away. “When you read this, know that we have plans enacted.”

Gav hands it to him, taking another step back to give Clive more space. Clive unravels the scroll quickly, the need for answers strong. And he gets his answer, but that answer makes his skin run cold and go hot at the same time.

Gav,

I apologize for putting this on you. I know your transition as the new Cid has been a lot, and I am sorry for making it much harder for you. This space is yours now. Not Clive’s, nor mine.

You know as well as the others I am not well. A part of me died the day Clive passed, and being here has made any progress of healing not happen. Truth is, I see him everywhere. Everything here reminds me of him, and it’s killing me because one moment I see him and the next I don’t. The grief that has consumed me has become everlasting.

By the time you read this, I will be far gone. Please, I beg of you, do not come find me. Do not send anyone to come find me. I will not come back, at least for now. Any chance of me getting better is for me to go out there, not stay here. I know this will cause worry, and I apologize for being a nuisance, but I have no choice. It’s either I die out there trying or I stay here rotting.

Tell the others I’m sorry, especially Jill, and take care of her. Once I’m ready, I’ll send word of my whereabouts. Until then, please let me grieve in peace.

Much obliged,

_____

Clive is seeing red. His fist starts to squeeze the paper, crackles and the sound of a tear coming from it. “When did she leave?”

“It’s been about a month.” Gav mutters, and everything that happens next is a blur. Clive shoots up from the bed, charging towards Gav before slamming him into the door.

“Clive, please don’t!” Jill cries.

“She’s been gone for a month?! And you have yet to find her?!” Clive yells, his fist gripping tightly onto Gav’s leathers.

“We have notified people on the outside to keep us posted.” Gav tries to reassure. “That is what the Hideaway members have agreed on.” His words do nothing to soothe him. If he still had his magick, he is sure hellfire would rain on the Hideaway.

“She needed time, Clive.” Jill rests her hand on his shoulder. “We chose to respect her wishes.”

He scoffs, backing away from the both of them, disbelief clear on his features. “You agreed to this too?”

“You were not here to witness what we did!” Jill yells agitated. “Clive, I understand your frustration, but if you saw how she was you wouldn’t think twice.”

He wants to stay angry, put the blame on someone selfishly. You’ve done so much for the Hideaway, the cause, everyone involved. How could they let you leave? But all he feels is defeat. He came too late, and now he needs to make up for lost time.

“Excuse me,” Clive mutters, walking towards the door Gav is still leaning against.

Jill shoots herself to grab the upper half of his petrified arm, a grunt forced out at the pulling tension. “Clive, you need to stay right here so Tarja can do something about your arm.”

“No, I am going to go out and look for her! She needs to know I’m alive!” He tries shaking her grip off his arm, but to no avail as she holds on tighter. Panic is starting to set in, not knowing where you are and if you are safe freaking him out. It is almost as if he is experiencing firsthand what you went through.

Gav steps forward, putting his hands on Clive’s shoulders shaking him slightly. “We have cursebreakers looking for her daily now that the month of her leave has passed. We will find her. And now that you are back, we will bring her home.”

“Once you are better, we will go with you to search for her. But for right now, you need to rest. Let the cursebreakers do what they’ve been assigned to do.” Jill reassures. “Let’s get you ready for Tarja. The sooner she can fix you up, the faster you can go out.”

Clive takes a deep breath before nodding, and lets Jill and Gav guide him back to the cot. He sits back down, and all he can do is look down at the floorboards. Anger and defeat have turned into a sadness he cannot fully comprehend; a feeling he hasn’t quite felt before. “Do you two mind giving me some time alone? Please.”

“Of course, Clive. We will be outside if you need anything.” Jill says, before the sound of four feet patter across the floor and the creak of the door opens and closes, leaving Clive completely alone.

He doesn’t know how long he stays like that; unmoving, eyes glued to the floor. All he thinks is he should have found a way to send a message to you so you knew he had survived. Deep down, he knows there was nothing he could have done given his circumstances, but that doesn’t stop the blame game he is putting upon himself. So he sits there, wallowing in his heartache as his shoulders shake and throat lets out faint sobs.

The letter is still held tightly in his grasp.

Day 71

Waking up early in the morning before the sun makes its greeting isn’t abnormal for you, not when you dream constantly. Sometimes your dreams would startle you. Sometimes they would make you wake up crying. Sometimes they would wake you up with a smile on your face. But the time is always the same; the moon is always there to tell you the time of the morning and you fall back into a deep sleep before the sun shows itself. However, this time is different.

In recent days, you’ve had nothing but wonderful dreams. Not ones like when you first came here, or ones about a future no longer possible. They were dreams of the past, deja vu in nature. Fond memories of you and Clive ranging from the first time you laid eyes on him to the last. What’s different about your calling back to the real world is your eyes open to hues of yellow and orange shining through the window. It is not the moon’s beams that greet you, but the sun’s rays.

You get out of bed and go to the door, opening it to step out onto the field. The early morning air hits your skin, the grass licking at your feet as you continue forward. You trek to the spot between the elevated land, a v-shape displaying the rising sun as it continues its ascent. Your hand goes out in front of you, watching your skin transform as the sun’s colors grow brighter. You can’t help but smile at the sight before you because all you feel is peace. For once since Valisthea changed forever, you felt like everything will be okay.

You think about the first time you and Clive watched the sunrise together, holding each other tightly as you both talk about how it is a new day full of hopes and dreams. You remember him telling you how he has never felt more alive than he did in that moment, and you can understand why; you understand because you feel the same.

You know Clive would want you to live to the fullest, for that was what he wanted all along. Even if things didn’t turn out the way they should have, he would have wanted you to live for him, but most importantly for yourself. He would want you to remember your time together fondly, and that it wasn’t for nothing. It was everything.

You inhale deeply, the scents of the morning filling your airways before you exhale. You continue to look out on the horizon, mesmerized by the beauty of a new day; a new start .

“I deserve to be happy, right Clive?” You whisper to yourself. “I will continue to live for you and for me. Starting now.”

This is the start of your new life.

Day 172

“These are absolutely beautiful, my lady. These are so hard to find in Dhalmekia.”

You smile brightly, watching the woman before you admire your handy work. “I’m pleased that you love them. Morgenbeards are native to the swampy waters in Rosaria, but I was able to get my hands on some seeds.”

“You must know your stuff to get them to grow here.” The lady continues.

You shake your head, grinning at her. “I have my ways.”

To say things have gotten better would be the greatest understatement in history because you are thriving. It is as if everything has fallen into place. You fixed up the small cottage you are residing in so it felt more like a home rather than a temporary visit. You did a lot of prep work to ensure you’d live comfortably. The greatest thing, however, is you found a way to make a living for yourself, the one thing you do best: grow flowers.

You noticed how flowers grew in the fields, yet you could tell they needed help; the Dhalmeky dirt too dry to keep them alive for long. You were able to get some books on flower gardening, along with different kinds of seeds, all imported from merchants who graciously accepted the little gil you had. It took some time, but those things helped you open a flower shop out of your home. And thus far, it has been a wonderful success.

You had taken a flower cart to Dalimil to get your name out there, and to let people know where to find your business. You eventually want to move your business within the inn’s market, but when you had come to propose the idea, you found out Lubor had been gone on an expedition. The cart will have to do, you recalled thinking. The people there have been nothing but supportive, offering their business in exchange for theirs: vases, business signs, gardening supplies, etcetera. It was a good system that benefitted you and them. You were grateful.

You are sitting at the kitchen table, having closed shop for the day, sipping on some hot tea as you write down your daily earnings. A hard day’s work is rewarding, and knowing your flowers have made your customers happy makes you happy. To be doing things that feel worthwhile feels good, and the last time you felt this way was when you lived at the Hideaway.

The Hideaway. You stop writing as you reminisce about those times. It really wasn’t that long ago, yet it feels like a lifetime. Have I changed that much?

You miss everyone dearly. You miss Tarja’s tough love. You miss Mid’s inventiveness. You miss Otto’s gruffness. You miss Tome’s stories of his travels. You miss Jote’s coolness. You miss Gav’s banter. You miss Torgal’s way of comforting you. You miss Jill’s faith. You miss everyone. You often wonder if they miss you too.

You are surprised no one has come looking for you, or have found you if they were. You think about what they must have thought when you left that letter. Were they angry? Sad? Worried? All three? Did they listen to you when you said you didn’t want to be found or did they nonstop look day and night for you? You couldn’t tell. Not unless you find out for yourself.

You set the daily earnings paper aside, and lay out a fresh one, your quill hovering over the paper as you think of what to say. There are so many words to say, yet you don’t know where to start. Do you share everything? Do you just tell them you are okay? Do you tell them where you are? So many questions to answer with little paper to write it all out. So you write something simple, hoping it gets the message across.

I hope this finds you well. Come see me if you wish. You all know where to find me.

Day 179

Clive’s search for you has been non-stop, days and nights spent looking for trails only to find dead ends. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get how you could have disappeared without a trace. But that will not deter him. He will not stop looking until he finds you.

Every place that Clive could think of they checked. Areas in Dhalmekia were the first places they looked, knowing you knew the area better than others. The very first place they checked was your childhood home near the Northern Velkroy, but it didn’t look like there were any signs of life there. Different towns within the area were checked but no one had heard or seen you. Hell, they were more surprised to see him alive and well to focus on the whereabouts of a lost woman. He understood, but it grated his nerves.

Every other place in Valisthea had been scouted and marked as they went, but every location and mark was the same. So here he was, writing letters to town leaders of the cause again to be his eyes. You have to show up somewhere eventually, if you haven’t already.

As every day passes, his heart wanes further. It yearns for you, calling out its other half to be complete again. When he does rest, granted not for long periods of time, he imagines you are lying with him. He holds a pillow close in his arms, picturing it to be you to subdue his crazed heart and mind. It was nice to pretend, but then he wakes up and is sorely disappointed to see what lies in his arms is just that: a pillow. It’s a cycle because the same thought crosses his mind each and every time: the day you are back in his arms will be a momentous day. That day has yet to come.

He keeps writing the same words over and over on different sheets of paper when he hears commotion from beyond his doors. The fighting instinct in him shoots up, running to the door to see what was happening when he sees Otto, Jill, and Gav running towards him.

“Has something happened?” Clive asks, alarmed.

Otto reaches Clive first, shoving a piece of paper into his hand. “She has communicated with us.”

Clive couldn’t read the paper fast enough, not quite believing this day had come. He rings out the paper to straighten it before reading her handwriting. “She is staying in a cottage in the Fields of Corava.”

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go get the lass back!” Gav expresses with full excitement, springs basically on the bottom of his feet with how bouncy he is.

Jill pats Gav on the back. “Gav, let’s let Clive go alone.” She then turns to face Clive, an understanding smile greeting him. “They will need some time together.”

“Thank you, Jill.” Clive says softly. “I thank all of you.”

“Well, if that’s the case…” Gav draws out, approaching Clive before slamming his hand on his shoulder, “you better get cleaned up! You have a lady to see.”

Clive laughs at Gav’s antics, and turns to ready himself; ready himself to return to you once and for all.

Day 184

It’s late in the morning as you gather flowers into your basket, trimming and cutting the ones that have bloomed beautifully. The flower gardens in the field were flourishing more and more every day. The more you work in the gardens, the more fulfillment you feel. You felt this when you helped out in the Backyard, but what you built here is from your own doing. You believe it to be a testament to your growth, showing that you made the right decision all those months ago. You’ve created your own little utopia, and to share it with others is a beautiful thing.

As you cut fresh flowers, you start to wonder if people at the Hideaway got your letter. You would love for them to come visit, and see what you have done with the place. You wonder if they will ever come to see you or if they will send a letter back. It could be any day now, and you will be ready.

You have a full basket of flowers ready to be put in vases, and before you can get up to head inside you see a shadow lingering above your form. “I’m sorry, but I won't be open for another couple of hours.”

There is no reply, and the shadow remains as still as a statue. You sigh, standing up to turn and be more clear with your words. “I apologize for the inconvenience, but I still need to se-”

The flower basket falls from your grasp, tumbling out and falling into a heap by your feet. Time has frozen, not feeling real as you look at the person you have longed to see for months. You question if you are hallucinating, having had moments where you would see Clive one second and the next he was gone. This, however, was different.

The man before you was not in uniform; just a simple white tunic that displayed a few of his chest curls at the v-cut and regular black trousers with his leather boots. His face was clean-shaven, the facial hair he had kept for so long absent from his face making him look younger. The biggest difference, however, was his left arm; from his elbow down was gone. How could this be hallucination?

“Am I dreaming or is this real?” You breathe, blinking a few times to see if he’d disappear. He didn’t.

He takes a step forward, grabbing one of your hands to place it over his heart. He is warm, his heart fluttering quickly. He is looking down into your eyes, where you see his baby blues grow glossy. “This is real.” He murmurs. “I’m home, sweetheart.”

Something about his words break you, your hands latching onto his shirt to hold yourself to reality. He’s home. My Clive is home.

You can’t help the sobs that leave your mouth as you bury your face into his chest, making him wrap his arm around you as you both collapse down into the flower beds. You are feeling every emotion under the sun, and you can tell Clive does too as he holds you in his lap. He cries with you, sharing a reunion so pure that it is overwhelming. You lift your head and bring his face to yours, kissing him so deeply that your lungs shake. Exchanges of small words come out between the two of you as you give each other kisses that have been longed for.

“I never thought I’d see this day.” You say with a wobble in your tone, kissing him again and again. “I love you so much.”

“And I love you. I’m sorry I kept you waiting.” Clive croaks, and goes back in for your lips.

There you both make up for lost time; holding onto each other in a field of flowers where kisses and touches are continuously exchanged.

You and Clive eventually went inside. You turn the sign on your door to ‘close’, so no one can bother you two. You watch Clive look around the place, taking in your little set up of flowers on the kitchen table.

“I apologize for the mess. I’ve had a lot of requests over the last few days believe it or not.”

Clive looks at you, a soft chuckle leaving his lips. “That doesn’t surprise me in the least. You’ve always had a way with flowers. Speaking of which…”

He reaches into his pocket, only to pull out the lily you had given him all that time ago. You gasp, surprised he has kept hold of it. “You still have it? But how?”

“I protected it with my life.” Clive sets it onto the table. “You gave it to me with the wish that I’d return to you. I wasn’t going to lose it easily.”

“You are so endearing.” You say, but you have so many things you want to know and that alone puts a small frown on your face.

Clives sees the shift immediately, grabbing your hand to console you. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

“What happened at Origin, Clive?” You ask, needing to know what he went through for the time he was gone.

Clive exhales, seemingly knowing that question was coming. He pulls your hand towards him as he walks to your bed. “We should sit down. It is a long story.”

The two of you sit down and Clive still has a tight hold on one of your hands. “Forgive me, for this may take me a second. Thinking about certain events there still hurts.”

You bring your free hand to his face, which feels smooth under your touch. His head leans into your palm, turning slightly to kiss the delicate skin. “Take all the time you need. I am here.” You murmur.

And so, he tells the tale of Origin. He tells you about Dion’s sacrifice. He tells you about what he found out about Ultima’s plans. He tells you about Joshua’s passing, something he had a hard time conveying without his voice breaking, but he pushed on. He tells you about Ultima’s demise. He tells you about how he woke up somewhere off the Shadow Coast of Storm. And he tells you how throughout his journey back to Valisthea, all he could think about was how he couldn’t wait to come home to you. All of it was hard to listen to, hearing what he went through from Origin till now.

“So, Metia going out was a sign that magick has been lost…”

“Mmm,” he hums, the both of you lying down now.

“So that’s why you didn’t become wholly petrified? You stopped it in time.”

“Tarja did a great job removing it and ensuring my stub was healed properly, despite my stubbornness.” He jokes, but you don’t laugh. All you can think about is the past.

“If only I waited a little longer,” you start. “I would have saved us so much grief.”

“Don’t you dare blame yourself.” Clive shushes, kissing the top of your head and pulling you closer into his body. “Jill told me you had a very hard time grieving. I will not shame you for doing something you felt was right.

You bury your head into Clive’s neck, breathing in something that is so undeniably him. “You know, when I first got here, I would have these dreams. Nightmares really.”

Clive stays silent, letting you continue. “It would always start and end the same. I would wake up with you in the room, and the next thing I knew you were telling me I had betrayed you… and that you no longer loved me.” You start to sniff, not liking to recall those dreams. “For such a long time, I felt I didn’t deserve to be happy because I had left part of your legacy behind. It felt like your ghost was haunting me day and night.”

“Oh, darling,” Clive pulls you into him so you are on top of him with legs on either side of him. Clive brings your forehead to his, his thumb coming up to swipe the tears building up in your eyes. “I could never not love you.” He looks deeply into you, burning the truth of his heart into you. “I am yours even beyond death.”

His words overwhelm you, and you lean down to kiss him with every passionate fiber in your being. Your hands go to his torso, running your fingers up and down the sides as you continue to show him how much you love him. He grunts into your lips, his arm holding you down to him. Your hands start to slide slowly under his tunic, your fingers slowly ascending until they reach his chest only to go down again. The delicate touch of your fingers makes his hips buck right against your heat, a grunt and a moan echoing together simultaneously. Your hands go back up again, only this time you bring the tunic with you.

“We have a lot of lost time to make up for.” You say against his lips.

Clive smirks at your boldness, only to flip you over on your back so he is hovering over you. “That we do, darling. Forgive me, though. Having one arm gives me less leverage.”

You hum, bringing him back down to you by his hair. “I’m sure we can manage.”

You two make love into the night and into the morning, not getting enough of one another; making up for lost time.

Day 200

Since you and Clive’s reunion, he had decided to stay for a while. He had sent a letter to the Hideaway to let them know you were well and that he would be staying for the time being, making Gav in charge.

“He’ll love that.” You had joked.

“He’s his own man. I have all the faith in him.”

These last few weeks have been sublime. When you wake up, you see Clive snoozing away beside you on your right; always the right so he can wrap his arm around you in his sleep. He has also helped you with the flower shop. You two would go out in the morning before the heat set in to work the ground and water the flowers. You don’t know if the yearning in your body has yet to be satiated, but there have been times when you would come outside to gather more flowers to see Clive with his shirt off, sweat glistening on his burly chest as he works. It takes every bone in your body not to jump his own. Most times, you are unsuccessful.

You also found out Clive is quite the salesman. When you two would go out to Dalimil to sell from your cart, the way he is able to convince people to make a purchase is astounding. Is it the charm? The looks? A combination of both? You could guess, but it didn’t matter. Every time you made a sale, he would turn to give you a quick peck.

“I would kiss you for every individual flower we sell, but we don’t want to scare them away now, do we?”

After a long day out in Dalimil, you two are now inside the cottage finishing up dinner. You are cleaning the dishes when you feel him behind you, wrapping his arm around you pulling your hips to his. You hum in a laughing manner, his friskiness showing as he places kisses on the side of your face. “Clive, let me finish these.”

“They aren’t going anywhere.” He hums, his kisses lingering below your ear.

You sigh but continue cleaning. Clive, on the other hand, was not having it. He pulls you away, soap and water sloshing from your hands as he pulls you to him. He plops down onto the kitchen chair, bringing you into his lap. “Hmmm, I got you.”

“You are such a horn dog. Are you sure Ifrit still doesn’t linger within you?” You laugh, then squeak when he pinches your side.

“In all seriousness,” he murmurs in your ear. “I want to talk about something.”

“About?” You hum.

“About our future.”

“Go on,” you urge. “What about our future?”

“Well,” Clive starts, “living the way we have the last couple weeks, my mind can’t stop wandering to what I want for us.”

Your hand reaches up to his cheek, only for him to nip at the tips of your fingers causing you to giggle. “Such as?”

“To start the life we’ve always talked about.” He places more kisses on your neck. “One where our lives are strictly ours. One where I come home to my beautiful wife.”

“I like the sound of that.” You mewl, his kisses making you squirm in his lap.

“One where I get to see you bearing our child.” His hand goes down to your tummy, rubbing just above your uterus.

“I’ll be surprised if I’m not already with all the love making we have done.” You giggle.

He chuckles along with you, his hand squeezing your flesh. “You’d look beautiful. You always do.” He continues, “one where I get to raise a little me, a little you, or both.”

“It all sounds so wonderful.” You purr, feeling all warm and fuzzy at his remarks.

“Then let’s go ahead with step one.” Clive says, lifting you off of him only to sit you back down. He kneels before you, both of your hands in his one. “I don’t have a ring, but I can’t wait a moment longer. _____, will you do me the utmost honor of marrying me?”

You hum, smiling brightly at his question. “Would you have me in a wedding dress? A big ceremony?”

“Anything your heart desires.”

You shake your head, laughing at his insistence. You look at him, letting yourself get swallowed by his eyes. “I’d marry you with just the clothes on my back.”

Clive grins, bringing your left hand to his lips as he kisses your ring finger. “I cannot wait to marry you, future Lady Rosfield.”

Lady Rosfield. It has a nice ring to it.

#clive rosfield x reader #clive rosfield #ffxvi x reader #ffxvi #clive rosfield angst #clive x reader #final fantasy xvi #my fics

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neesieiumz · 1 year

Text

love language ⸻ You remind me I’m imperfect and it sucks to admit it. ⸻ a. ojiro

synopsis ⸺ after six months, you lay eyes on your ex-boyfriend at a mutual friend’s party.

warnings ⸺ smut. 18+, black-coded reader. female reader. afab anatomy. praise kink, cunnilingus, blow job, some angst, happy ending, time skip aran. use of ocs, but barely even mentioned. he’s very sweet to you no matter what. this is also my haikyuu debut so... I haven't read the haikyuu time skip so this is all referencing his wiki page and how other people write about him.

writer notes ⸺ disclaimer, i'm just starting the haikyuu manga, so please bear with me. I really tried to embody what people say he embodies, so hopefully, I did this fine man justice. (also disclaimer, i hate the reason they broke up but it was the best one i could find and create.)

wc ⸺ 6.2k

The city was alive mostly at night, it was a beautiful thing. Although, that was where you were not at tonight.

As you walked, your heels clicked through against the cobblestone walkway. Passing by the bright glass stone lights, lighting your way to the one destination. Smiling, although it was a melancholy one. It had been a while since you had gone out like this, wrapping yourself up in work and distracting yourself from any and everything. Most of your friends would call your recent way of life destructive, so you hoped to get them off your back this way. Your dress was black, matching everything else you wore. After all, the event you were going to was an all-black attire. The dress is backless, along with carefully sewn holes on both sides of the dress. In your hands held both your bag and a gift bag as well, containing a very expensive purse and perfume.

Soon you arrived at the event, a birthday party, a very private one as well. It was held at a country club you used to frequent as well, back during a different part of your life. Two guards stood out front, one holding a tablet.

“Name?” The one on the left asked you, the moment you stepped up to them.

You gave them your name, and them checking, glancing at your photo that popped up before looking at you. It was very tight security after all. You hold both bags in one hand, before lowering your glasses and revealing your eyes so they can get a good look at you. The two men nodded, stepping out of the way and opening the door to the private club. They both tell you to enjoy your night, which you thanked them for before walking inside. At the reception of the country club, the lady at the desk smiled, before asking you where you were headed. There must have been multiple events being held during this time, you thought to yourself, no matter though.

You told her the name of your close friend, whose birthday it was today. She smiled, before pointing down the hall, telling you which hall is hosting the party. Smiling, thanking her before walking down yourself. You creaked the door open slightly, the sounds of people mingling together getting louder and louder as you did. The tables were mostly gone, making room for the tall tables designed for people to rest their drinks on. The meshing of gold and green, a garden-themed cocktail party. Vines decorated the walls, paired together with shimmering fake flowers. You smiled to yourself, once again, you thought, she goes all out. Towards the back, hanging a beautifully decorated table which deemed itself to be the gift table was a banner adorning her name. Wading through the crowd, smiling and waving at those you knew and excusing yourself past those you did not know.

Jumping at the sudden attack behind your back, you heard familiar giggling as pink silk-gloved hands wrap themselves around you. The familiar giggling had you smiling even wider, placing your hands on top of her own, and turning your head to make eye contact with her.

“I thought you weren’t going to make it!!” She whined in your ear, the smell of saccharine alcohol on her tongue.

Smiling, you turned towards her fully, wrapping your arms around her in a hug, “of course I wasn’t, I couldn't miss your birthday for the world.”

She fully accepted your hug, letting you go but still keeping her arms around you. Immediately her eyes zeroed in on the gift you had in your hands. She squealed, immediately diving in to swipe it away from you, but you moved back with a quick step, laughing as she pouted once again. Your friend became very spoiled once alcohol tasted her tongue.

“I’ll place this on the gift table and you can open them tomorrow when you're much more yourself, okay?”

She pouted again, but nodded her head, telling you to stop by the cocktail table before finding the rest of your friends. You agreed, turning around to continue on your journey to the gift table. Getting the table, you placed your gift along with the rest of the massive and most expensive gifts as well. Once you did, you turned around, eyeing both the assortment of cocktails available already pre-made, along with an open bar making custom selections for those who didn’t like what was available. Walking over to the table, you looked over everything that was in front of you, and it all looked so good. Martinis, margaritas, and all the different assortment of colored drinks. Glancing over everything one more time, you decided on a gradient-like drink, clear on top with yellow settling at the bottom, decorated with ice at the top and a piece of rose vine and a small bud that had yet to grow into a full-fleshed rose. This specific drink came with its own straw. After carefully sipping it, approving of its taste, you cast your eyes to the crowds, looking for wherever your friends were congregating.

Catching sight of your friend’s frilly pink dress, you started to make your way to them, and then froze…

Standing there, over 6 feet tall, wearing a navy blue silk fitted shirt with matching slacks. You couldn't keep your eyes off of him, eyes seeing his familiar layered chains. When he’s not on the court, he’s always wearing them, especially the ones you got him. Your eyes landed on the biggest one of them all, recognizing it as the one you got him on his birthday, in the very shape of the ball he loves the most. When you left to spend it with him with what little time you had. His birthday was always during the volleyball season here, so you never got to do a more special celebration until the off-season. His ears were adorned with gold studs, face, and hair, and freshly cut, you took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Aran Ojiro looked good, way too good for you to face him again.

It was only six months ago that you even broke up with him.

The season had just begun when you did so as well, which usually lasted about six months as well, but you weren’t expecting to see him so soon after.

Before you could turn around, fall into the crowd and avoid the man, the birthday girl spotted you once again. She smiled, waving to you to come over, calling you by name. Almost immediately, the rest of your group followed her eyesight, including Aran.

Damn her, you bitterly thought, forcing yourself to pick up your legs to walk over to the group. You kept your eyes on the birthday girl, forcing yourself to ignore the cryptic countenance Aran took the moment he laid his eyes. You greeted the rest of the group, giving hugs to the ones who came up for them, without spilling your drink.

“It’s so good to see you, it feels like we haven’t seen you in forever!” Fumiya, who stood next to the birthday girl said.

“I’ve just been… really busy!” You forced a smile on your face, taking another sip of your drink.

“Yeah, busy throwing yourself into work and barely giving yourself a fucking break.”

The group knew of your recent break with the man not too far away, but it seemed the flowing alcohol stripped away all inhibitions. You could feel his eyes on your own the moment Fumiya said that, although you did your best to ignore it, as the group delved into further conversation. Before you knew it, your straw was sucking up remnants of water from the melting ice. You excused yourself from the group, deciding to go to the bar for a custom drink.

Smiling at the bartender, you handed over the empty glass before looking over the cocktail menu, the more complicated it was as you looked further down and down the menu. Everything was covered by your friend’s fiance, who was also a very rich man completely in love with her. You looked over what was available, before deciding on a platinum passion, a very expensive drink, something you would never order on a day-to-day basis. As you waited, you could hear footsteps walking about behind you, mostly ignoring them until someone came up right beside you.

“What would you like to order, sir?” You heard the bartender ask whoever was beside you.

“Uh, lemme get a Moscow mule.”

Your eyes widened at the familiar voice beside you, but this time you couldn't help but glance to your right, seeing the same man you had been avoiding at all cost right beside you. The two of you locked eyes for a moment, and quickly you looked away, your manicured nails tapping against the open bar.

“It’s been a while, huh?” You heard him say, knowing his words for you.

You took a deep quick breath, before deciding to speak, “yeah… yeah, it has.”

It went quiet all over again, the awkwardness settling in and suffocating the two of you. Soon the bartender that took your order came over with a tall glass filled with fizzling purple drink, topped with a beautiful orchid and a black straw to tie it all together. You took a sip of it, the taste of passion fruit and expensive champagne, with some sweet apricots mixed in, you could hardly taste the alcohol in the drink. Despite everything telling you not to, you couldn't help yourself, turning towards him. He was leaning against the bar, sipping away at his glass of vodka and ginger beer. Crossing your legs as you glanced over his form once more. You took another sip, watching him as he finished his drink with no stopping, handing his glass right back to the person at the bar. He ordered another one, and as he did, took the opportunity to get closer to you.

“How’s work been for you?” He asked, showing off his soft, sweet smile.

“It’s been really good for me, I recently closed on a house and am currently setting up some open houses as well.” You said, smiling at the recent positive prospects at your job as a realtor.

His smile got even bigger at that, which had you smiling even harder.

“How… How is the season this year? I didn’t really keep up with it as much as I wanted.” You said, looking away from him.

The two of you knew what that meant, but the two of you didn’t want to mention it, at least not right now. Nodding his head, he turned his head towards the bartender who gave him his drink.

“The season was good, really good. I’m just… glad to be home for the time being until training.”

You nodded your head once again at that, “I’m glad... That you had a good season of course.”

As you took a sip of your drink and Aran did at the same time, you couldn’t help but wonder, how different the two of you would be if you hadn’t made the decision you did. Six months ago may not feel like a lot, but if you had asked yourself just fifteen minutes ago before you even laid eyes on him once again, you would have said you were over him. However, you’re here, staring your ex-boyfriend once again in the eyes, and realizing, how much you really missed him.

Your stomach took on a sudden, heavy feeling of realization as you stood up straight, slightly startling the very same man your mind was in turbulence over. You forced a smile on your face.

“itwasreallynicetoseeyouAranbutihavetogo,” you mumbled down, placing your unfinished drink on the bar before racing past him as fast as you can without drawing much attention to yourself.

You could hear him call out your name, but you ignored it, opting to open the doors leading to the endarkened hallway of the country club, into sudden cold air. Crossing your arms, rubbing your hands over your upper to provide some kind of warmth. You wanted to grab your phone, to call yourself an Uber or Lyft, whichever would get here fast when you eyed landed on your empty elbow which was supposed to hold your bag. You blinked once, once again, before relaxing you must have left it at the open bar, where you left Aran all high and dry from the… could you even call that a conversation?

Suddenly the door flew open right behind you, showing Aran, eyes wide open and holding two things in his hands. Your very bag that you were just worrying over, and the drink that you had left behind. Immidalet he spotted, his anxious form relaxing as he approached you.

“You left this behind,” he said quietly, holding them out to you.

As quiet as he was, you thanked him, taking the things from his hands. As you were about to walk away, Aran’s voice stopped you right in your tracks.

“Did… did I make a mistake?”

His voice echoed through the hall, louder than he probably meant for it but it hits you nonetheless. Slowly you turned around, taking a deep breath and shaking your head at him.

“No, it was… it was me, you were… perfect.”

He shook his head, taking even more steps towards you. You tried to step away but he just got closer, “I’m not accepting that, there has to be a reason why you would break up with me with no reason, no reason at all.”

You shook your head once again, “I’m not lying Aran.” You could say this a million times, the look on his face revealed that he wasn’t taking your answer.

He took another step towards you, and you took another step back. Over again, you did this song and dance until your back hit the wall. You dropped your bag, while he took the drink back, placing it on the ground before standing back up. His tall form towered over you, arm resting above your head as he looked down at you. You could only give him one glance before looking away from him, your mesh-gloved hands trying to push him away from you. Heart pounding with your ears, body beginning to throb all over. Insanity on how he still had such an effect on you.

A hand came under your chin, moving your face, “look at me,” his low voice mumbled, but it was loud and clear.

You listened before anything could tell you to stop, looking up at his deep, dark brown eyes, shining with a multitude of emotions.

“Aran…” you whispered, and that was the last thing you said before feeling lips on your own.

Taking in a breath of surprise, you could help yourself, falling under his spell, returning the kiss with just as much vigor. The arm that was above you left its position, hand now resting softly on your cheek as his other hand came about your waist, his palms touching the open skin on the dress. Your own hands trailed up from his stomach, the feeling of his abs so familiar under you yet everything you've been craving for a long time. Hands now resting on the sides of his neck, you pulled him as close as you could.

Slowly, you pulled away from the kiss, the two of you breathing heavily as you did. Suddenly you could feel his rough hands swipe something away on your face… liquid… oh, you’re crying. Sniffing, you tried to wipe away the rest of them but he wasn’t having that, taking both of your hands in one of his before whipping the rest of your tears with his other. Soon after, he took your bag off the ground, along with a drink. With nothing but a motion, he told you to finish up the drink. Nodding your head, you took the drink, tears still silently streaking down your face, as you sip down the rest. He took his phone and keys out of his pockets, before taking your free hand and guiding you out of the country club. You had finished the drink as you reached the receptionist's desk, which was now empty. Aran took the empty glass filled with ice, and placed it on the desk, leaving a small note before taking your hand and taking you right outside.

It was quiet between the two of you as you walked outside into the cold. Almost immediately, you shivered, and Aran stopped in his tracks. He turned around, facing you, before shifting off his jacket. You tried to refuse the jacket, but he was having absolutely none of that, draping it across your shoulders before taking your hand and leading you right to his car. He unlocked the car, and opened the passenger side, gesturing for you to get inside, which you did.

Making yourself comfortable within the familiar car, buckling in your seatbelt, as Aran jogged around, opening his own door before sliding inside the car. With a quick press of a button, sliding on his own seatbelt before pulling out of his parking space. With so much to say, and no clear way to say it, the car ride was silent as he drove the two of you to your– his apartment, or his loft, you would put it. As he suddenly turned a sharp left, his broad hand suddenly grabbed at your thigh, keeping you both in place as he turned. It was such a simple gesture but everything about it had your heart racing just like the event hall

Arriving at the parking deck, Aran pulled in, parked, and got out of the car. You knew better than to move, Aran jogging right back over to open your door. Holding his hand, you thanked him, watching him close the door behind you before locking the car. He handed you your bag and you held it as he held a tight grip on your hand, guiding you to the exit into the building. He knew you knew where to go, yet diced on keeping a tight grip on you, the two of you entering a dimmed hallway before heading down the hall to the left. Going down the familiar twists and turns of the loft building, the two of you arrived right in front of his door. Quickly, he unlocked the door, before taking you inside his place. Aran turned on the lights as you entered inside. Eyeing everything, it was just as you left it six months ago.

Kicking off your heels, you placed them by the door as Aran went to the kitchen, telling you to take a seat on the couch. Despite everything within you, you listened, snuggling within his formal jacket, smelling of frosted apples, whiskey, and white oak. You waited for a few moments, before hearing movement and seeing him walk over to you with a glass hand, filled with water. He sat right next to you, slowly handing over the glass to you. You thanked him, taking a few sips of the water, the coolness relieving pressure building you didn’t know was building within you. Once you had enough, you placed the glass on the glass coffee table in front of you, before feeling your hands grab your own. He turned you towards, holding them close to his, placing a slight kiss on the mesh gloves. You relished in the feeling of his soft lips, the thin material allowing you to do so. Aran soon moved one of his hands around your waist, basically scooping you up and placing you right on his lap.

“Talk to me, you know how these things go,” he murmured, “we didn't have a chance to because you broke things off right before I left and wouldn’t answer my calls or texts.”

You sighed, leaning into his hold, his arms locking you right into his lap.

“You said it wasn’t something I did… was it something you did and you simply didn't want to tell me?”

“Did you stop loving me?”

You shook your head as well, denying that qualm as well.

“Well then, if it’s not any of those, and you say it wasn’t something I did… what prompted you to do so, then?”

You took a deep breath, thumb aimlessly stroking across his fingers, “it wasn't something you did. More like, I made a decision that I thought was best for both of us.”

Confusion overtook his face as you shifted your body, straddling his lap so you could face him fully. You ignored the throbbing within yourself, shifting yourself up to get as close to him as you could.

“You’ve always been a person of passion, it’s been your life since before I met you. I just… I just like I couldn’t keep up with you sometimes. You would want to do all these things when your home and I… couldn’t keep up.”

“We were on two different wavelengths to me, and I didn’t know how else to fix it.”

You could both feel and hear Aran take in a deep breath before sighing it out, all while his hands made mindless circles into the parts of your skin that were exposed.

“So it was something I did,” he mumbled in your ear.

You immediately shook your head, but he shushed, laying his head right on top of your shoulders. You moved your arms up, resting your hand straight on the back of his head, holding him to you.

“I should have been more sensitive to what you were feeling,” he said, placing a kiss on top of your shoulder.

You shook your head, “maybe I should have just told you what I was feeling, I was… scared.”

“Scared? Of what?”

You couldn't help but shrug your shoulders, “I… psyched myself into believing you wouldn't understand what I was feeling.”

“Now you know the last thing I would do is judge you, angel.”

You couldn't help but smile at the nickname, it’s been a while since you'd heard, it was your favorite one out of everything he’s ever called you. Aran continued to place kisses on top of your shoulders, moving closer and closer to your neck, His heated breath caused you to shiver within his hold, and your hands tightened around the back of his neck. You could feel your dress rising up with every movement you made, your body aching for him after so long. His movements went from your shoulder to your neck, laying careful but electrifying kisses all along it.

Gasping his name, you curled into him, his hands soon sliding from your hips to your ass. He gripped at it tightly, and before you knew it, he got up with you still in his arms. You squealed, holding on to him tightly as he made a few steps before heading up his black cherry-wood stairs, heading up to his own bedroom on the second floor. The moment he arrived at the top, he took a few uck steps to the left before launching you right onto the bed, landing on the soft material. You scooted back a bit, resting again on your arms and the pillows as Aran began to unbutton his shirt a bit. The dark shirt slowly revealed his very well-fitted form, from years of volleyball. He threw his shirt to the side, before getting on the bed, climbing right on top of you.

“I fucking missed you,” he mumbled into your skin, his hands dipping down under your rising dress.

Breathless as he pressed his fingers against your panties, taking in the wetness staining them. He left a few kisses along your cheek before capturing another kiss, pressing himself as he did. You held his face in your hands as he kissed you, deeply, as if you were going to disappear right in front of him. The dress straps were slipping with every movement he made against you, the dress falling off all the same. He pushed himself in between your legs, allowing you to wrap them around his waist as well. His thick fingers slipped past your panties, two of them easing themselves deep inside you. Gasping within the kiss, unconsciously squeezing around them. Aran said nothing as he teases you, taking his thumb to rub slow yet deep circles in your clit, moving his fingers just as slowly.

Slowly, he let go of the kiss, keeping his lips right next to your ear as his hollow deep voice whispered into it. He took in your squirms, your pleas for him to go faster, knowing this pace couldn’t do anything for you.

“Relax for me,” his voice was soft but stern.

You tried your best to listen to him, but your body still slightly trembled in anguish, wanting him to do more and more to you. Slowly he began to speed up, sating the building desire and frustration within you. Your legs had spread wider and wider, allowing him to hit deeper and deeper. At this point your dress had fallen off your dress, scrunching up and pooling around your waist. Dripping all over his fingers, your body quivered and shook, jerking as you cried out.

You hear his voice speak up again, “you gonna come for me?”

Rapidly shaking your head, no words come to your head as your mind begins filling with brown noise. You could feel his body pressing against you, keeping the same rapid pace, with no sense of stopping. Squeezing around him, your hands came up around his upper arms, squeezing them so tight, your sharp nails dug dents into his skin. He paid it no mind, entrancing by the spaced-out look on your face.

“Don’t hold back, angel.”

Eyes closing shut, your body convulsed, a loud gasp-like moan coming out through the room, arousal gushing out of all over your thighs and his fingers. You melted back into his hold and bed, mind floating and filled with noise. Slowly he pulled his fingers out, not being able to see him taking the two before lapping your juices up. Sono you felt hands right at your waist, pulling off the rest of the dress, along with your panties. Once the clothes were gone, you could feel those same hands pull right down towards him, matching up eye to eye with him. Aran placed one hand on your face, keeping the other one at your waist. He lowered his face down to you, whispering in your ear,

“You okay angel?”

You nodded your head, and slowly brought up your arms to his face, holding his face in your hands. He accepted your soft kiss, his thumb rubbing affectionately against your cheek. Using your arm, you prop yourself up, pushing back against him as he rises up a bit. His hands went back down around your waist, before flipping the two of you with ease, you laying right on top of him. You swung your legs over his body as you let go of the kiss, straddling his lap. You reached down, unclasping his pants button before slowly pulling down the zipper. Slowly you stripped his pants away, revealing plain black boxers. You pushed his pants as far down as they could, Aran kicking off the rest of his legs and the bed. Your hands went on his boxers next, slowly peeling them back. Before you could even peel them down a quarter of the way, his thick cock sprung out, slapping against his abdomen. You peeled them down the rest of the way, scooting back a bit, leaning down with soft, wet kisses against his stomach, leading down to the tip. He let out small, soft gasps with every kiss you left.

You relished every sound he made, tongue swirling and teasing him, knowingly teasing him just as he did you. Having had enough of your antics, Aran’s hands gripped at your shortened locs, no longer in the high ponytail you had for the part. You slowed him to slowly guide your head down his length, your hands wrapping around the rest of the length you couldn’t swallow. The moment his cock hit the back of your throat, he groaned, head thrown back. Bobbing your head up and down, droll dripping down onto his length. The sounds of his pleasure only fueled your actions further, your hand coming around to your lips couldn't reach.

“So good, so fucking good for me,” he let out, using his hands to help guide down his cock.

You moaned around him, causing him to jerk within your hold, heaving in and out. Just as quickly he had your entire being under his spell, you couldn't deny how much you released in the sounds Aran made for you.

How could I ever part with him in the first place? You couldn't help but think to yourself, feeling his grip against your hair tighten, as if was beginning to brace himself. This didn't stop your movements and continued to swallow him down. He wants you as much as he could get out of his mouth, before the taste of slightly sour yet basic flooding your mouth. You swallowed all his cum, not letting up even after Aran let go of your hair. Taking a deep breath, you lifted your head off of his cock, placing wet kisses all along it. His hands suddenly grabbed your hips, dragging you right up to him. You hovered right over him, smiling as you looked down at his face. As you went down for another kiss, you could feel his own hands guiding your hips further down.

Gasing, gripping his hands in sharp pain as he began to slowly sink his cock inside you. You begged for him to go slowly, hearing him whisper in your ear.

“Breath through your nose, angel, I’ll go as slow as you need me to do.”

You nodded your head hanging onto every word that fell from his lips. It had been so long, and the fact he was so big was an even bigger contributing factor. Overwhelmed, your head dropped down to his chest as his hands moved from your hips to underneath your butt. Restricted in his movements, his grip on you was tight as he slowly lifted your body up and down. Your body lay against his, trying your best to relax as he slowly fucked you, allowing your body to get used to him once again. Aran whispered in your ears, guiding you through everything. Soon your painful gasps became filled with passion, your tight grip on his shoulders loosening up. Your own hips began to grind down.

“Better?” he whispered, feeling your own hips begin to move against him.

You let out a moan in affirmation, nodding against his chest before feeling him thrust up once. His pace began to quicken, beginning to repeatedly plunge into you. His every movement overwhelmed you, curling into the pleasure. Your hands roamed his chest, nails slightly digging into them as he ravished you through and through. The sounds of wet skin slapping against wet skin, the gush of your arousal soaking the both of you, dripping onto the bed. Suddenly, he lifted you up, rising above the bed. Quickly, you wrapped your arms around his shoulder and neck, holding on tight as he stood up, slamming your back against the wall. Head threw back in pleasure as he parted your legs widener, his grip on your thighs so strong he could leave bruises.

Aran nuzzled against your neck, his hot heavy breath breathing shivers down your body. He nipped away at your neck, taking in every sound you made under him.

“Soso good,” your words were slurring together, eyes rolling to the back of your head.

“You’re taking me so well, angel, fuck I could fuck you all night,” he groaned into your ear, biting at it slightly at the end.

Your body and voice cried out at that, expletives falling from your lips. He was hitting so deep, he could almost bruise your cervix with the pace he was going. You couldn’t complain, you had never felt more within a single moment. The number of marks you left on his body would definitely be noticeable tomorrow, but you couldn't care less about that. He continued leaving kisses along your neck, sucking and biting against the skin as well. Tension was inciting, building within you, your cunt throbbing and squeezing tighter and tighter around him.

“I’m gonna, fuck I’m gonna⸺” you could barely finish your warning before the dam broke, cum gushing out of you, making a bigger mess than before.

“Oooh fuck,” your body shook and shuddered, letting out a loud moan as you came all over him, squirting all over you.

Aran didn’t stop his movements for a second, fucking you through your prolonged orgasm. Your body twitches within his hold, incoherent words slurring together from your mouth. Just as quickly as he moved you from the bed, he pulled out for a moment, carrying you right back to the bed before sliding right back into you, your legs stretched to their maximum. You screamed, hands reaching for something ground as you could feel his fat tip press right against your cervix,

“Too deep,” you squealed, overly sensitive from the orgasm you just had.

He said nothing, his slams into you starting to become more erratic, his mind getting just as spaced out as your own. His body hovered over you, slamming into you with everything breath he had in him, face furrowed in concentration. You could do nothing but take the force of his pummels, mind floating and body tingling from everything around you. His sweat dripped down from his face, his chains falling in front of you, dangling above your face.

With a sudden groan, “fuck⸺”, he slammed into you aimlessly a few more times, before going, his body laying right on top of you as he groaned into your neck.

You could feel him filling you up, gasping as you did. In the back of your mind, you were thankful you were still on birth control. His body was sticky with sweat, sticking on top of yours as the two of you just lay there. He turned his head, moving it right back to your face, before laying soft and sweet kisses all over your face and cheek, completely different from the man who had just ravaged and relished in your every being.

Slowly, he pulled out, the two of you hissing from the sensitivity as he did. You could barely move off the bed, only hearing his movements as he walked away from the bed. You could only sit with your thoughts, they began to run rough, wondering if he had suddenly regretted that before hearing his footsteps approach the bed. Suddenly, you felt something cold and wet along your inner thighs, pressing carefully into the sore places his grip got a little too tight. You smiled, this was familiar, reminiscing on the days past. Hissing at the sudden switch in sensations, but relaxing as the cold wet rag made your inner thighs better. Aran continued to wipe away the mess on your body, along with carefully pressing the rag against your pussy to allow for it to receive some relief. It helps you regain some of your strength, being able to watch him walk away into the bathroom to clean himself up. He kept the door open, allowing you to gaze and look at him as he did, watching the cold water drip down his body as well.

He felt your eyes on him, turned around, and saw you keeping your eyes on every part of his body. Aran only smirked, turning away from you.

“You better stop looking at me before I want a round two,” is all he said, turning on the sink and ringing out the rag.

Your boisterous laugh echoed through the loft, flipping around in the sheets, which were still slightly wet. You heard the sink turn off, before seeing Aran walk over with a blanket and a silk wrapping in hand. Together the two of you laid the blanket down on the bed, before grabbing the thick, black comforter and wrapping yourselves in it, exhaustion hitting your body like freight trains. Aran took the silk wrapping, helping you place your hair into it before falling into the blankets.

Yawning, you could feel his strong arms wrap themselves sound you, pulling you into him. You turned around, snuggling into his physique, hands coming up right under your head to get more comfortable under him. You felt him place a kiss on

You know you’re still in due for a long conversation concerning your insecurities within your relationship. How this situation even came to be was all about you getting into your head, along with other outside forces that you would rather not talk about. However, there was one thing you could come to a conclusion about when it comes to Aran Ojiro, you could never fully part with him. Even if your paths diverge at the end.

taglist: @orchiddreamz @shamelesshoefairy

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superblysubpar · 6 months

Text

Happy Sunday Rec night! Maybe this is the week I finally get on top of my shit and catch up on reading and post these every week instead of waiting months to make these long ass ones? Who knows. Tune in next Sunday to find out.

Please reblog and share why you love your favorite writer's work! They can't read your thoughts from a simple like. If you can't reblog or comment, consider sending a sweet anon message in support, it could really make someone's day and it will also encourage your favorite writer(s) to keep writing the work you love!💛

Find previous recs on @superbreblogger my fic rec blog or on my pinned post under "critic's choice"

Happy reading and have a great week!

Steve Harrington

untitled mutual masturbation with AIRWIY Steve by @loveshotzz - smut

untitled facial with Steve by @roanniom - smut

untitled father's day with stobin by @shares-a-vest - fluffy angst

melancholy by @rustedhearts - angst

chocolate by @upsidedownwithsteve - smut

untitled sneaking around with Colors Steve by @loveshotzz - smut

untitled kissing all of Steve's moles and freckles by @hungharrington - fluff

Bad For Business: The Bonus Level by @upsidedownwithsteve- smut

untitled romance books by @cherrychilli - smut

steve's reactions to crisis by @hawkins83 - angst

underwear by @upsidedownwithsteve - smut

birthday by @upsidedownwithsteve - smut

untitled birthday with AIRWIY Steve by @loveshotzz - smut

Wake Up Slow by @carolmunson - fluff

untitled giving steve a hickey by @loveshotzz - smut

Melt With You (Pt 1 to My Name's Elvira) by @loveshotzz - fluff

untitled trying new postition with AIRWIY Steve by @loveshotzz - smut

Love Sucks 1: The Beginning by @upsidedownwithsteve

Love Sucks 2: The Interrogation by @upsidedownwithsteve

surrounded by your embrace by @stevebabey - fluff

Love Sucks 3: The Hunt by @upsidedownwithsteve

Petrichor by @rosewaterandivy - smut

chapter one: ticket to anywhere by @abibliophobiaa - this series will contain angst, fluff, and smut

Hell To Pay - The Prologue: The Warmth of Your Doorway by @rosewaterandivy - this series may contain angst, fluff, smut

anxious to run into you imagine AIRWIY Steve by @carolmunson - fluff

Eddie Munson

Torn: Song 1. Scar Tissue by @sweetsweetjellybean - this series will contain angst, fluff, and smut

untitled checking for ticks by @familyvideostevie - smut

A Need by @courtingchaos - smut

Torn: Song 2. Sour Girl by @sweetsweetjellybean - this series will contain angst, fluff, and smut

untitled birthday smut with whatta man eddie by @loveshotzz - smut

Untitled No. 1 by @courtingchaos - smut

untitled healing with eddie by @carolmunson - angst

early morning snow by @chechelia - fluff

eddie's bed headcanons by @deadboyfriendd - fluff

untitled pregnancy cravings by @chechelia - fluff

Torn: Song 3: Disarm by @sweetsweetjellybean - this series will contain angst, fluff, and smut

eddie guitar pick imagine by @starlightsearches - fluffy smut

untitled sound tech eddie by @carolmunson - fluff

untitled bard!renfaire!eddie iamgine by @carolmunson - fluff

Steddie, Stobin, and Everything Stranger Things:

public by @upsidedownwithsteve - smut (steddie x reader)

kinktober, day 7 - somnophilia by @aphrogeneias - smut (tech steve x reader, but a hint of eddie listening so here she goes)

The V Card by @palmtreesx3 - *this series dives into Steve AND Robin with their friendship as well as chapters focused on their love lives/partners separately - this series will contain angst, fluff, and smut

Aphrodisiac by @palmtreesx3 *see above note

Lubrication by @palmtreesx3 *see above note

untitled emmy was in a mood and we all died by @upsidedownwithsteve - smut (steddie x reader)

Series I'm Currently Reading & Recommend:

Talking In Your Sleep by @abibliophobiaa - ongoing

Orange Colored Sky by @carolmunson - ongoing

Let's Go, Don't Wait by @carolmunson - ongoing

Get Off by @palmtreesx3 - ongoing

My Name's Elvira, But You Can Call Me Tonight - by @loveshotzz - completed

Torn - by @sweetsweetjellybean - ongoing

Right Where You Left Me - by @abibliophobiaa - ongoing

#superbly subpars fic recs #sunday fic recs #steve harrington fic #steve harrington x reader #eddie munson fic #eddie munson x reader #steddie x reader fic #steddie x reader #robin buckley fic

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sakkiichi · 9 months

Text

BETTER THAN REVENGE.

you and your ex ended on bad terms. you want revenge. your annoying best friend might be the answer.

ft. Childe x gn! reader.

cw/genre: romance, fake dating, friends to lovers, mild angst, fluff, modern/college au, very brief mention of alcohol consumption.

word count: 2.6k.

i dreamt about this idea months ago, and i thought my first genshin crush’s birthday would be a good day to write it hehe. happy birthday ajax <3

What did you ever see in that asshole, you will never know.

You hate him. Of that, you are certain.

You really tried to put effort into your relationship, made time for him, prioritized him.

It seemed to always go unreturned.

And that much is made clear tonight, the sight of him making out with someone else at this party you don’t even know why you decided to attend, being the last straw.

“We’re done, you jerk.” Are the words you spat at him, throwing the remnants of your drink at your now ex-boyfriend.

You regret it now. Having wasted half a drink, that is.

The music blasting through the speakers is soon replaced by crickets chirping and the night wind ruffling through the trees. You spare a glance at the moon above. Full, its rays seemingly lighting up a liquid silver trail leading to you.

“Leaving so soon?” A familiar, and, might you add, annoying at times, voice questions.

Well, at least it’s better than hearing your ex, you muse to yourself, as you turn around to face your friend.

His ocean blue eyes glimmer in the summer starlight rain, matching the color of his baby blue t-shirt.

A smile makes it to your face. You always loved to steal that one when you had sleepovers.

“Nothing gold can stay, am I right, Ajax?” You retort, a mirthless grin plastered on your moonlit features.

Your friend takes a few steps forward, coming to stand next to you, shoulder playfully bumping against yours.

“I’d rather you stayed, though.” He says, a melancholy smile tugging at his lips.

You close your eyes, a sigh escaping you into the night.

“Let’s just say… I’ve had enough for tonight.” You mutter, exhaustion beginning to catch up to you.

“Anything happen?” Childe asks, ginger strands swaying around his face in the warm zephyr.

You bark a dry laugh, yet all you feel running through your veins is boiling anger.

“Well, I saw that asshole kissing someone else.” You cross your arms over your chest. “So I made it clear we’re done. I also wasted half my drink on that shithead when I spilled it on his face.” You tilt your head to the side. “Pity, that cocktail was much more worth it than him.” You add, matter of factly.

Ajax chuckles. He always liked your unapologetic remarks.

“You really did that?” He laughs. It’s nice, sincere. Then: “He didn’t deserve you anyway.”

“Eh, probably not.” You shrug. “I just really want to piss him off now.”

“Oh?” Your friend’s usually dull marine eyes light up in amusement. “Any ideas?”

“Huh, not yet…” You ponder, worrying your thumbnail between your teeth.

Childe levels his gaze with yours, that impish grin meaning he was up to no good not unlike the edge of the moon above.

“Date me.” He smirks, just like that.

And at that moment, you’re too aware of the heat rising to your cheeks, of the wild pounding of your heart against your ribcage, of the constellations of freckles dotting the bridge of Ajax’s nose. “You know, just as show, to spite him.”

And perhaps it’s the sweet intoxication of your half drunk cocktail, or the way a lake of stardust seems reflected in his eyes, but you find your pinky linked with his before you have half the mind to back off.

“Deal.”

—

On hindsight, perhaps you were impulsive.

Was it really a good idea to involve your best friend in this game of spite?

Readjusting your bag on your shoulder, you walk to your first period class.

Students, some more sleepy than others mill around campus, a collage of headphones on, hands busy on screens and chit chat filling the early morning air.

“Morning, babe.” Are the first words directed at you today, followed by a chaste kiss to your cheek.

“Ajax…” You whisper-shout, frowning, face warming up. “You know you just need to pretend.”

“I’m very aware of that.” He whispers, lips brushing the shell of your ear, as his voice lowers a little more. “He’s looking, sweetheart.”

Despite your quickened heartbeat, a devilish grin makes it to your features, arms wrapping around your best friend temporarily turned “boyfriend”.

“Ajax!” You coo, sweetly. “I had missed you so much! Ah! How am I going to endure six hours of class without seeing you?”

The redhead embraces you, arms tightening around your waist, dangerously close to your hipbones. His face buries in the crook of your neck, nuzzling into you, lovingly.

“Good, he just stormed off.” He murmurs, giving your waist a reassuring squeeze.

You smile brightly, luminous eyes meeting his crinkled up ones.

His hand slides into yours, pressing it reassuringly, before you two part, promising to meet afterwards.

Oddly enough, when you sit at the back of the seminar, six hours feel like an eternity.

But, like all things, your classes come to an end, eventually.

Mindlessly scrolling through your phone, you leave the building.

It’s weird, this sensation, though.

You’ve been close with Childe for years, you’ve hugged countless times, slept at each other’s place just as many.

So, why now? Why did you feel all jittery and giddy at his subtle touches just earlier?

Perhaps you’re still shaken from your breakup, as much as you can’t stand your ex.

“Hey there, pretty.”

You look up from your phone to be met with the colors of oceans and sunrises, Ajax’s grinning face centimeters away from yours.

“Childe.” You bluntly greet him. It’s unfair how the early evening sun kisses his skin just right, the light dusting of freckles over his nose and cheeks reminding you of the stars that soon will start decorating the sky. You clear your throat, then:

“You know we just need to look like we’re dating, right? I thought I’d made myself clear.” You don’t know if your statement is more directed at him or at yourself.

“I know,” the ginger smiles, falling in step by your side. “But we need to make it look convincing, don’t we?” He winks, wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

“You’re insufferable, as always.” You grumble.

And yet, despite no one really being around at the moment, you make no effort to push the man away. And you definitely don’t complain when he switches to your other side, hand lingering on the small of your back, so that you take the innermost half of the sidewalk, away from the cars.

If someone were to ask, however, no, you certainly are not leaning into Ajax’s comforting hold.

—

A few more weeks go by, with most of your free time spent with your “fake boyfriend.”

And as much as you’ve always cherished him, despite his, at times, obnoxious nature, you certainly are confused right now.

What is it you feel for him? You like these newfound moments of shared tenderness between the two, so much that you wish they weren’t fabricated sometimes… What would it be like to love someone truly? To have someone love you?

What do his lips taste like? You wonder, as you have a few more sips of your iced peach juice.

You shake your head. No, you definitely did not think that. Must be the heat, messing with your head, surely.

However, willing fantasy or not, it turns out fate had indeed planned for you to indulge in your cravings.

The door of the establishment opens, the small bell above it signaling the entrance of another customer.

“[Y/n?]” Ajax calls, from the sit across you.

You tilt your head to the side, your redhead friend’s eyes focused on something behind you.

“Yeah?”

“Kiss me.”

“What?” You almost shout, the sound dying down to a whisper the moment his thumb brushes over your lower lip.

“Do you trust me?” He smirks.

“Yes, but-“

“You said yes.” Are Childe’s words before leaning in.

To say he was a good kisser would be an understatement.

His lips on yours feel like a roaring ocean, notes of spearmint and sunshine contained in the secret message in a bottle the waves of him carry. Ajax’s calloused hands cup your jaw, ruddy locks of hair tickling you when he angles his head to the side to deepen the kiss.

You wish this was real.

But would it really be a crime to play your part right now?

Your fingers tangle in his tangerine hued strands, slightly tugging at them as you bring him closer to you.

You don’t care if this is swimming against the current, if you did drown right now, you would go happy.

But because he’d be damned before he let you drown, your best friend pulls away, allowing air back into your lungs.

That’s the very best goddamn kiss you’ve ever been given.

But, alas, sometimes you think “stupid” should be Ajax’s middle name.

When you glance his way, he keeps looking at something beyond you, that shit eating smirk plastered on the lips you want to kiss again.

When you spare a peek over your shoulder, you spot him. Your ex, sitting with some girl, his face ashen as he looks in your direction.

So that’s all this was.

You should have figured, you chide yourself as you fiddle with the straw of your juice.

If you had payed attention, however, you would have noticed a pair of starry blue eyes not leaving you.

—

And after that arrives the day you realize you are screwed.

This was all just supposed to be a make believe charade, not you actually falling for your friend.

Because you can’t deny it anymore; whatever it is Ajax is to you now, it goes way past platonic.

You can’t let these feelings be known. Ever.

But how are you supposed to ignore all of his sweet gestures? His tender touches when holding your hand; the way he remembers your favorite ice cream, smoothie and coffee orders; how he brings you lunch when he ends up cooking too much for his siblings; or the way not only are you stealing his t-shirts on nights you fall asleep at each other’s rooms, but how he now drapes his hoodie over your shoulders, the night breeze uncharacteristically chilly for this time of year.

And that kiss. That goddamn kiss.

And perhaps your last breakup scarred you more than you let on; or maybe you love Ajax too much to keep up this lie with him. But before you can think twice, the words are out of your lips, glacial shards of a broken dream on a midsummer’s night:

“Ajax? Let’s stop doing this.”

Those eyes of his that sparkled in sapphire hues dim again at your statement.

He searches for your gaze, but you won’t look at him.

“Why? Something wrong?” Childe tries for his usual carefree tone, but you know better; the hurt and strained fear in the words he doesn’t speak are clear as day to you.

“Yes! I mean no! I mean…” You sigh. “I don’t think it makes sense anymore.”

In reality, what doesn’t make sense is pretending this relationship of yours is just for show. But you can’t let him know that.

“Got cold feet?” Your friend, or whatever he is now, asks, oceanic gaze glazed over, not a single star reflected in it when he stares skyward.

‘If only you could know’. Is the sentence you don’t let out through bitten lips.

Instead you offer:

“I don’t think this makes sense anymore.” Unconsciously, you adjust his hoodie a little tighter around your figure. “I just- I think I’ve gotten the revenge I wanted. I… I don’t know, I just want to hang out with you again, but honestly, not like this, not for an audience…”

You stop walking, standing a few paces before him.

“We don’t have to do any of this for the public, you know.” Your friend, crush, partner in crime? assures, shortening the distance between you with his long strides.

“But we do.” You sadly whisper, averting your eyes to the side. You can feel wetness pooling on them. Great, just what you needed. “I… I don’t want more fabricated romantic moments, I’ve had enough of love that was never anything to begin with before.” You humorlessly add. “I just, I want the next time I kiss someone or hold their hand… I want it to be real, for it to mean something… and I can’t keep stealing moments like these from you either, Childe.”

Salty droplets start to dye the grey pavement as you keep your eyes glued to it. Everything feels so complicated, so messy…

“I know this was your idea but… I can’t keep-“

“What makes you think it wasn’t real?” Familiar calloused fingers caress your cheeks, gathering the starless wetness sliding down them. “What makes you think you were stealing these moments from me?” Strong arms envelop you, akin to the early morning rays dancing over gentle waves lapping at the seashore. “It was my idea, right? You said it yourself. Why do you think that was?”

“I don’t know!” You sob into his chest. “I guess you were looking for fun, or you wanted to help me…” You wonder, voice a breath away from becoming fragments of a shattered snowglobe.

Ajax chuckles, soft. His hold on you tightens a little. Then:

“You know, sometimes you can be so dumb, [Y/n].” He utters, tone devoid of his usual teasing. “It was my plan, on that you are right.” His hands rest on your shoulders, as he pulls away to look at you. “But I guess now would be a good time to tell you why.” He shifts his weight on his feet, an unusual dusting of pink creeping up his neck caught by the streetlights. “Truth is, I was scared to, well, ask you out normally, I was scared of you saying no. When you started dating him, I hated him, but I hated myself more, for not having been able to prevent it. You looked unhappy.” He shoves his hands in his pants’ pockets. “So I don’t know, I figured maybe if we pretended, we’d keep it up for a while, or maybe if I was lucky, you’d really fall for me… kinda dense, right?”

You sniff, a smile tugging at your lips despite your cries.

“Yeah, definitely stupid.” You laugh softly, through the tears. “But effective.” You admit, glossy eyes searching for the molten northern stars in his stare.

“Wait, so you actually fell-?”

“Ajax. Kiss me. For real this time.” You plead, clutching the front of his baby blue t-shirt, urging him closer to you.

“What makes you think it wasn’t for real the first time?” He smirks, as his lips link with yours for the second time.

Your arms loop around his neck, his hands digging on the flesh of your lower waist, his palms a searing wave under your shirt. Childe’s kiss tastes of fireworks reflected over a still ocean, the quiet of the minutes before midnight in stark contradiction to the wild drumming of your infatuated heart. You stand on your tiptoes, desperately meeting his tidal wave at its zenith, the caress of the blossoming moon above and Ajax’s tongue swiping over your swollen lips sending shivers down your spine.

The clock strikes twelve, and a beeping sound interrupts the reverie.

Grumbling, you fish your phone out of your borrowed jacket’s pocket.

“00:00

Thursday, July 20th.

Ajax’s bday !! <3”

Your lit up screen reads.

You both let out a chuckle.

“Hey, Childe?” You call him. “Make a wish.”

“I don’t need to.” Constellations are reflected in his azure gaze, lovestruck with images of you dancing amongst them, the smile on his face dopey and entranced.

“Let me give you another present, then.” You tell him, pulling him close again. “Happy birthday, Ajax.” You breathe, as his hands hook under your thighs and your lips crash together again, no onlookers but the moon and stars this time.

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