#and it literally hit me only a day later

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk. #also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

[lisbonsteresa]

why does she look at him like that though

#like i bring this up every 3 days i know but she just LIKES him #he is the most irritating person in the world and he drives her crazy most of the time but above all of that she just likes him! #she does this horrible draining job day after day but he's there with his dumb quips and dumbass plans #and not only does he get results - hE cLoSeS cAsEs - but he makes her work...maybe not fun but manageable #he brings levity into her life; a life that has not been afforded a whole lot of levity (for multiple reasons) #and he makes the bad days easier; he makes her smile even when she's rolling her eyes and apologizing for him #and the end of this season works so well for me because she's hit again with just how deep in the dark he is #'can't you see there's people who care about you? who need you?' can't you see that /i/ care about you? that /i/ need you? #she's come to rely on him so much (sometimes against her better judgement flakjd) and now she's afraid that he can't do the same with her #that she can't be to him what he is to her but the gag is that she's been that to him all along #she's been his tether to the world; to reality long before either of them seem to realize it #and he needs her just as much as she needs him and it's never explicitly stated (until later) #but it's proven when he gives up his best rj lead (by literally - whole other issue) to save her without hesitation #idk idk they just make me CRAZY #tm

[minmos]

right before pride month i saw that post that was like "lesbians it's ok to filter stuff related to it people go crazy with the lesbophobia every year" and i was like no thats not true it's fine. and then day 1 i got hit with a comic complaining about how lesbians are man hating dykes who should be avoided by bisexual women. because the misandry. sigh

#only just hit me a few days later like the punchline was literally that it's gross that lesbians dont like men. what the #crown emoji

[lavender---sunshine]

in all seriousness i 90% sure im going to quit my job tomorrow and for a while i will have just enough money to live on and will have to spruce up my resume and job hunt and stress but MY GOD i need to do something else because this is making me suicidal

#like actively suicidal. wanting to die in a way i have not since highschool. literally woke up and thought 'i dont want to be here anymore' #and then couldnt make myself get out of bed until like 10 minutes before i had to leave the house for job 2 #i know its unprofessional but i pretty much...quiet quit i guess. i worked from home for like a month straight without telling my boss #and she called yesterday wondering about it and the whole time the only thing i could think of was 'you didnt even know for a MONTH #thats how little people communicate around here #the office culture is toxic. the people are self absorbed and shut me out. ive gone through like 6 big life events and no one knows because #no one in that office cares enough to ask. and even if i volunteer the most i get is a 'wow that wild look at this tiktok yeah anyway' #im so burnt out. i have 1 day of rest and i dont get to do that at all. so no like im not going to get up get dressed sit in traffic park #on the street because a year later they still havent given me a clicker for the parking lot and sit in the back of a warehouse for hours #talking to no one. ive literally gone days without talking to anyone there. its so lonely. #theres only so many audiobooks and podcasts and albums you can listen to before you think 'i would be ok getting hit by a truck tomorrow' #im going to hate these next few months but i just need time #and the lord works in mysterious ways because my other boss just started talking about hiring for mon/tues which are the days i work bad jo #so i would at least get those hours until i find something else stable. im going to try very hard not to be mean about it but im like... #hey girl this place sucks ass and you know it. im not negotiating #but thanks for that raise 9 months late #im giving you three weeks for find a replacement and i dont care if you fire me in that time #il work from home or panera or starbucks or library but im not stepping in that office again unless its for my minifridge and heater

[useful-boy]

Hate when bitches at this store try to tell me "Ummm I need you to start the audit already, we're supposed to leave by 11" like damn that's crazy maybe if you left me a better store or did anything to help me out I wouldn't be starting so late after picking up all your bullshit

#literally the first thing i did was walk the entire store to see what all still needed doing and then i told the manager who still had #Several clerks on the clock 'hey the womens bathroom needs to be hit and all the counters need to be wiped down' and she went 'okay!' #then of course. wouldnt you know. when i get back in from my lot sweep (basically picking up excess trash or emptying trash cans #that got full after they took out trash earlier) (of which there were a Lot tonight. very unusual when most nights i can get by #without changing any of them) #none of the things i told her about had been done <3 And the kitchen was a fucking disaster #'you got clerks for that you coulda made them clean it' 'no ill do that later they did a lot today' okay sweetie whatever you say #they always wanna leave Me a shitty store to come into and then get an attitude when they have to stay late because again #I am spending more time fixing things that they should have taken care of already before i got there #wasting Both our time on clerk tasks just to get the store down to manageable levels of filth before i do the audit #and then you wanna complain like its My fault? whores #only One of the managers here ever leaves me a decent store (not Perfect but its still a huge improvement over other days) #and no matter how many times i give the same feedback to every manager i relieve or who relieves me in the morning #shit does not get better #i love it!!!!!! #meh. #mild vent #i guess #its just me bitching about work so whatever #also? you Told me you were gonna stay an hour late already? why are you fucking complaining about me being 'too slow' #to start the audit. bitch

[ayakashibackstreet]

I love painting I love colouring I love layering paints I love watercolour

#today it hit me I got my current watercolour set like... 3 years ago? #and the paints I got that day I still have sooo much of? even though I use them for literally everything? #it is true what they say.......... your watercolour set /will/ outlive you......... #the one I have the least of atm is the Roman Szmal Ultramarine Violet that I got waaaay later #but to be fair it's a really faint pigment so whenever I want to mix it with something #I have to use a lot of it #also Aliexpress metal watercolour case my beloved she's literally perfect #there's only one or two scratches on the paintjob and this set literally goes everywhere with me #anyways back to painting #I will never finish that Raorin piece I started #something else got my attention #sometimes your class doodle is sooo cute that you have to line it and colour it

[kazoologist]

I actually really fucking hate how anything in my schedule not going the way I initially Intended For It To just automatically makes me a massive fucking crybaby and or a raging bitch. Like dude. The grocery store does not hate me. It sucks that my schedule requires me to get there an hour earlier no matter what but like. They didn’t do that to me. Why am I always so upset whenever I have to change plans. I change plans too! I’m a living person!!! Why am I so fucking upset about this!!!!!!

#personal #im gonna delete this later I’m just venting #I’m also fine I’m just having a rough day and I can’t figure out why my emotions have been so fucking volatile. It’s so frustrating that #I can’t figure out how to get a handle on my emotions. I know I need to feel things but the problem is if I let myself feel them too much #Then I’m going to spiral or lash out at some random bystander and both of these make the initial feeling worse #I just can’t pull myself out of that quickly enough recently. It’s not an issue of ability bc I can. I just can’t do it. #wait that’s contradictory. I’ve been really struggling too recently. There we go. There’s accuracy. #Either way. Didn’t I spend all year in therapy last year trying to get this shit together? What the fuck. #Why is it the second I show a modicum of progress I immediately hit a single pebble on the road and get sent ass over teakettle #Progress isn’t linear but it also sure as hell isn’t meant to be a time loop. That I’m pretty sure of. #God everything’s just been so difficult this year. Shit that used to be almost instinctual to me now is a nightmare. #Maybe it’s growing pains and I guess that’s valid but how long do I have to have them #The good news is that thus far I have not snapped at anyone so at least right now we don’t have any casualties of my bad attitude #I feel so bad being so worried about that but like seriously no one needs me to be snapping at them. Even if I feel catharsis in the moment #We all feel bad immediately afterwards #It’s literally not even been a bad day today. I cannot emphasize how this has been the only problem today. Literally so much good happened #Ugh #dont look at me

[finexbright]

.

#saw a photo of louis from the pryzm show on my dash and i'm realising that the last time i felt happiness was #during those three days when i saw him and like it's not only just happiness. it's literally the last time i felt #any positive or good feeling and those three days felt like such a good break from all the stress and exhaustion #during those shows i truly was living in a limbo and in an alternate universe and i just. i want to forget about everything for a minute #i just want a day to BE. to not have to be stressed about deadlines and other shit #i'm about to turn 23 soon and it's hitting me so hard and i hate my birthday and i don't want to celebrate #but i also don't want to feel like this on my birthday. i don't want to feel lonely on my birthday :( #i just need everything to sort of quiet down a little and stop for a minute so i can just. do things that make me happy #to delete later

[thebirdandhersong]

.

#this is a complaint post #i cannot express how much i hate ed sheeran's shape of you #sorry to use stronger language than usual but it's true i cannot stand that song. it triggers my gag reflex #when it first came out i remember thinking. oh i thought he didn't write this kind of thing why is he writing this kind of thing #and then it hit the billboards and i was like ah right that's why people write about this sort of thing #the song itself is so shallow and so meaningless that it makes me irritated whenever i hear it. there is literally no depth in it #no beauty no lyricism no truth no nothing. and what's more it's such a degrading song #WHY would you want to be loved for just your body. like. he literally SAYS 'i'm in love with your body' #it isn't with YOU and the person you are?? this isn't a love song?? the only thing the narrator is obsessed with is JUST the physical #IT ISN'T ROMANTIC. THE GUY IS A CREEP. this isn't love this is perversion #my hackles raise whenever i hear this song in public or hear this song at all #but my blood just about boiled when we were out a few days ago and the song came over the radio #and muffin said 'oh i know this song'. my blood boiled. BOILED. #what kind of society are we living in where ten year olds are exposed to this sort of garbage on the regular #not only this sort of garbage message but also this kind of garbage writing???? #i told her not to listen of course and that we would listen to good quality music later (alison krauss and norah jones etc etc) #anyway sorry there isn't much point to this post #i just remembered this moment a second ago and just saw red #sometimes i'm forcibly reminded that we live in a fallen world and it makes me want to bend metal spoons backwards. with my teeth.

[lemondropletters]

I know I’m making a joke but you really don’t understand how angry I am at the recent news.

[Video Captions: “Why are you the way that you are? / Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. / I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.”]

#just when I finally accepted the fact we won’t get a season three #and I convinced myself everything would be okay because atleast I can rewatch it whenever I want #what does Disney do? #I really just…they are so unbelievable… #just so they don’t have to write it on their taxes?? come on man! #and now they’re going to raise prices? #‘confident that we’re on the right path for streaming’s long-term profitability’ #literally what are you talking about?? #Not only do you cancel shows that don’t make you immediate money— #now your removing them since they are supposedly taking money out of your billion dollar corporation wallet #and then you proceed to renew the most médiocre passionless projects #your literally sabotaging yourself?? #cause guess what if you don’t make the people giving you money happy they’re going to leave and find someone else that can #i even had to cancel plans and stay home because of how mentally and physically draining this news has made me feel #I’m not even trying to be dramatic…just stuff like this hits me hard for some reason #I know I can find the show online somewhere but still. #the people who worked on this must feel terrible…I feel so bad #my sister: it’s like if Van Gogh painted something and tried to give it to the museum and they just tell him #‘no we don’t want any more of your art. and also we’re going to destroy every single painting you’ve made. have a nice day!’ :) #i might talk more about this later but for now I’ll stop…sorry if I made you upset I just needed to get this off my chest #mysterious benedict society #the mysterious benedict society #tmbs

[youremyonlyhope]

Officially crying over sad Disney songs yay.

#there's more than just disney that's causing this cry but disney was the trigger #Ma Belle Evangeline hurt me enough already #When She Loved Me got it started. i didn't realize how hard that song would hit only a month after losing my grandma. #but. wow. i still had some tears and sadness built up that didn't come out yet. and i probably still have some too. #(leave it to toy story to make sadness come out months later. this has now happened twice in my life specifically relating to toy story) #then stupid me thought just riding the cry out and going to Dos Oruguitas was a good idea. no. NO. made me cry more. #though When She Loved Me was the harder of the cries. I can't even type that song name ugh that song should be illegal. #then I listened to Le Festin while reading the english lyrics since that song is bittersweet instead of just straight up sad #hoping it would uplift me and it helped but i'm still like. messed up. #doesn't help i had way too stressful of a day at work that made my anxiety go through the ROOF #different stress than my old job but still stressful since it triggered my ocd to make me literally freak out and shut down. #like i haven't felt that anxious in a LONG long time. so i already knew i was in a fragile emotional state. i brought this on myself. #tonight was not the night to listen to sad Disney songs but also i guess it was the perfect night #so good night i think this is my cue to go to bed

[septimus-heap]

Literally I think my parents must be a little bit insane to still think they're good parents. They pushed me to the point of being actively suicidal not even 2 years ago like hello????

#sep talks #tw suicide #found out recently that my grandpa has depression and my great grandpa likely did too #my great grandpa died from being hit by a horse and cart and it is heavily suspected that it was a suicide #my grandpa is only alive today because he takes antidepressants #like you'd think!! With a family history like that!!! That they'd perhaps take their child's mental health into consideration a tiny bit!!! #my uncle has depression as well iirc. Like good lord #like literally the only reason I made it through 2020 was bc I was sneaking around behind my parents backs and lying to them #idk. I just think it's kind of funny #I've pretty much stopped caring abt my parents now. They're just some ppl I live with until I can leave and then we'll never talk again #but honestly....they still think they're good parents???? Really???????? #anyway this post inspired by my mum getting stroppy abt me 'ruining mothers day' #I sure hope it's ruined!! Hope it's bad enough u decide to kill urself!!!! Lmao!!! #I'll delete this later probably just needed to say it somewhere #I'm fine btw. I don't feel great rn but I haven't let my parents send me down a spiral of self loathing in a good long while #and I don't intend to start again now

[even-if-in-another-time]

YOURE DATING SOMEONE???? HOW??? WHEN???

THIS IS THE THIRD ASK AJDJDKBDKDBDJD IM DECEASED /POS

#but yes i maybe kinda sorta have a boyfriend #(he’s genderfluid) #(and the reason i discovered i’m mspec lesbian as opposed to just lesbian) #but uh. yeah. childhood-best-friends-to-him-shutting-himself-off-from-the-world-when-i-had-to-move-because-it-was-really-painful-but-then-on #-the-last-day-before-i-move-we-have-a-sleepover-and-stay-up-all-night-until-i-have-to-leave-to-literally-drive-two-thiusand-miles-and- #because-we-didn’t-have-phones-promising-to-write-to-each-other-and-then-my-new-life-starts-in-a-brand-new-place-and-i-just-never-do-write- #until-two-years-later-when-covid-hits-and-i-think-of-him-and-find-his-old-address-on-google-maps-and-then-send-him-a-letter-and-am-terrified #-we-won’t-be-anything-like-the-people-we-were-because-i-sure-as-hell-am-not-until-we-get-each-others-phone-numbers-and-i-call-him-and-it- #just…-clicks-and-we-slowly-become-closer-and-closer-friends-and-as-we-both-discover-our-sexuality-and-gender-shit-and-maybe-kind-of-realize- #that-we-both-like-each-other-but-not-telling-the-other-because-we’re-literally-two-fucking-thousand-miles-apart-but-it’s-been-two-years-of- #going-to-sleep-with-each-other-on-facetime-and-being-there-to-say-goodnight-and-i-love-you-and-putting-my-phone-on-mute-to-scream-into-my- #pillow-because-fuck-i-love-him-and-then-finally-one-day-he-asks-me-if-i-like-him-and-im-99%-sure-thats-the-closest-ive-ever-been-to-having-a #-heart-attack-but-i-cut-him-off-and-tell-him-yes-of-fucking-course-and-we-both-are-sitting-there-at-1am-for-me-and-4am-for-him-crying-on- #facetime-and-laughing-at-the-absolute-absurdity-of-it-and-then-just-going-on-with-our-lives-and-our-conversation-because-of-course-it’s- #always-just-been-like-this-with-us-just-somehow-inexplicably-clicking-and-the-only-thing-that-changes-is-that-he-tells-me-“goodnight love’’- #when-we-go-to-bed-and-i-want-to-explode-because-im-ninety-percent-sure-its-a-fucking-dream-but-it’s-NOT-and #i #okay im going to hope that absolutely nobody took the time to read those tags #because the more i type this the more im realizing just how much it sounds like a fucking ao3 story #anyways. #so moving on

[iloveyoumorethansoup]

My beloved friend who has been with me the longest is suffering from root rot so u can guess that I’ll be spending lots of time in the plant area of hardware stores this weekend

#if I make it to class it’ll be a miracle #bestie is my first and foremost concern #to be fair. i had to cut off a fair bit off the root so I also have to wait for it to scab over #so. i should probably go to class. bc I gotta let it sit and dry for like at least 2 days #but I gotta go find a pot with better drainage (or drill holes but it’s ceramic so that’s scary) go get some fungicide and rooting hormone #literally. this is my longest living plant. i lost my favorite plant last spring and I am not willing to lose another #and it’s an aloe. so. I’m not all that worried #also. this is the plant that many years ago I threw a towel onto my chair accidentally hit the plant it fell on the ground out the pot #and i left it bc I was busy and also incapable of doing tasks due to mental illness #so I expected to get back to it the next day. didn’t. next day? didn’t. a week went by #and then in the middle of the night I’m like oh my god it’s gonna die if I stay like this and don’t fix it #and I repotted it. that’s why the root is so bendy. oh and then like a few months later my mom knocked it over and it was out of its pot #again! this time only for like half a day. and then my roommate knocked it over last year and I had to repot it #i got it a bigger pot after that and filled the bottom with rocks so it wouldn’t tip so easy and it hasn’t fallen over since #so. considering what it’s been through. oh and it’s driven cross country with me 3 times so far #but yeah I’m not terribly worried #soup talks #also my kitchen is covered top to bottom in powdered sugar from pumpkin rolls

[iamthescalesofjustice]

i definitely share the problem many people have of whats in my head vastly outpacing what ive actually written, but i sort of have the opposite problem with other parts of the creative process bc the thing is when i do actually write its never so much bc i sit down to write, more like the ideas that have been pressurizing finally burst forth in a chaotic torrent that drags me into a fuguelike state where there is nothing but feverishly getting the words out with minimal mind to editing or organization and eventually after at least several hours i surface and find myself with like 8k new words of writing to sort through, and hope the spell is broken rather than being only a brief window of lucidity bc it wont properly be done for the next couple days actually, which is what happens sometimes

#these days i am lucky bc i usually have a typing medium at hand and can get the new writing in the form of typed files #in the past i have definitely used all sorts of things that were less than ideal bc the writing frenzy hit in inconvenient circumstances #i have covered paper plates front and back. scribbled in pen on the inside of water bottle wrappers. literally stolen paper from nearby #printers or on a few occasions /ripped blank pages from unattended notebooks belonging to others/ bc thats how bad the Need to write is #obviously at that point i had already run out of room on my hands arms and available sections of my legs so i was desperate #i once had no better writing tool available than green icing so guess what? i used it and later had to transfer the notes worth salvaging #to actual pen and paper once available bc icing attracts ants so it couldnt stay #in drama i covered a piece of scrap wood all over with writing while having a psychotic episode and people called it the board of prophecy #and this is just counting the times it has actually been story/character/worldbuilding notes and scene/dialogue fragments and timelines #yknow actually useful creative stuff? as opposed to just randomly Needing to Write Anything Just To Be Writing And Have Written which #has produced stuff of wildly varying content and quality over the years lmao #anyway under no circumstances be jealous of 'actually being able to get the words out' lmao its losing days of your life to it #its not being able to eat or drink or sleep even when your brain is released from the frenzy enough to remember that those 1) are things #and 2) you need to do them. its missing important events you needed to go to and important things you needed to do #and not being able to explain why without gambling over your continued freedom and autonomy #etc etc anyway guess why im mentioning this? hint it has to do with the new folder in my notes app with a total of ~32k new content in it #most of which is Fun and Fresh but with a dash of Throwing In Some Revitalized Versions of Old Ideas and which holds so much potential as a #new thing to occupy my days with for the next few months at least and which also. crucially. stole several days of my life from me #i only stopped bc i hit cluster headache time and was forcibly jolted from being able to process anything that wasnt overwhelming pain

[ghostsinthecellar]

feeling very "can't do anything for myself" lately and not even in anhh "I feel helpless" way but very much in a "anything I do has to be in service to someone else first and foremost and my wants and needs are an afterthought" kind of way

#charlie babbles #it's not that dramatic but it feels it #we both play the same game on our phones but I get handed hers a lot #because she wants the rewards for beating things but isn't great at the game #I get her coffee first thing in the morning before I get to even pee #if she wants to pack something and a box I have picked out for my stuff will work she gets it #she's planning out the house already and I haven't been able to get much say #every time I say 'I hear you but that's so much extra work I'M going to have to do' I get the Disappointed face #I'm so tired! I feel claustrophobic all the time #I want a storage unit so we can slowly bring things in and now overload ourselves and the house at first #but despite only wanting it for a month or two max that's 'too expensive' #and wanting everything in the cellar to start instead of the main house is 'too much work for me' despite me ASKING for it #I'd rather have to haul boxes later than deal with the continued emotional toil of feeling buried in my house #all I've asked her to do lately is call the animal shelter about the yard kitten #and it's been days and she either forgets or calls once in the morning and gives up after hitting the voice-mail #we only got through today because I asked when I got up and she realized they were still open #none of this would feel like So Much if I literally ever got a break #she tells me sometimes to hop in the truck and go somewhere if I'm feeling overwhelmed but like #go where?? and the driving anxiety on top wouldn't help