#and it just. hurts me. so much because kaey experienced so much trauma because of aleksey

[omendsa]

fun ( ? ) factoid of the day: kaey feels a lot of self-assigned guilt ( I say self-assigned cuz kaey also has a lot of guilt due to things aleksey claimed he was responsible for ) concerning the other touched that aleksey attempted to train. he feels bad that he could never save or protect them. he feels bad that he never stopped aleksey; not for his own sake ( he's convinced he could take it ) but for theirs. kids he couldn't help, stopped trying to help the older he got because he knew how futile it was.

he feels guilty for all the times he told them that cooperating made it better. he feels guilty for all the times he ignored what aleksey did, how removed he became. he feels complicit, just as responsible as aleksey. he feels all the guilt and remorse than aleksey could never feel. he feels guilty even though he tried so hard for so long to help them; he feels guilty because he stopped.

he even feels guilty about julienne. because he should have known that aleksey would target tristan when julienne was gone. kaey feels like he should have done more to protect them both, even when he saved them both.

that's why kaey is not a savior. hes not an angel. hes alive only out of the gut-wrenching need to make amends.

#《 ° ic ; meta 》my past has tasted bitter for years now #° info ! #ive got feels about kaeys guilt guys 😢 #i just cry. about all the bodies he held. all the bodies he buried. the kids he couldnt protect or help or save. #and it just. hurts me. so much because kaey experienced so much trauma because of aleksey ? but he just. became desensitized to it all. #he got so low that he became complacent. complicit. #telling them it would hurt less if they just cooperated because he was out of advice and out of hope and couldnt offer anything else #lets. not even go into the ones he killed :') not out of choice ofc but because aleksey #some of it was survival. some of it was just part of the training. some of it was mercy. #aleksey was just. aleksey wanted to make sure that his apprentices were just as twisted up in it all as he was. #he wanted to make sure they could be seen just as guilty as him. if he ever went down... hed take them with him. #its why mina killed herself. because she wasnt going to let aleksey win. kaey will always remember her death. #she was alekseys protégé before kaey. older and tougher. she was the one who told kaey to run the first chance he got. #which is why he ran after her death. and thats how he met henri.