#and in doing so you buried yourself

[happyk44]

percy repeating that he can be good over and over again to himself while covered in the blood after an overwhelming unleash of volatile rage that destroyed all that threatened his loved ones while grover holds his face and steadily grounds him back to reality

("i'm safe, we're safe, it's safe, just breathe")

#grover underwood #percy jackson #grover looks past the violence because percy takes precedence and percy embraces the violence because grover takes precedence #like do you get it? do you get the sorrows of being an angry person trying so hard to be Good for the people you love and falling short #because you love too much and with your whole heart but your love is rage filled thing that you could never quite quell #(how do you fight a hurricane? how do you stop a tsunami? you can't. there's no outrunning the storm) #your love is a rage-filled thing and your love is strong and you would rather sacrifice yourself on a spit then be buried above their bones #and how fucking dare anyone try to threaten that #and now you are covered in someone else's blood and you are not Good (you never were you never were) and it's all you can do not to scream #(i can be Good i can be Good you say but the words are lies because you are a storm and who has ever looked to a storm as Good) #happy talks pjo

[rhymaes]

The Untamed, Eps. 19, 20 // Red, Chase Berggrun

#I spent SOOOO MUCH TIME ON THSIBBECAUSE LIKE. WHAT ELSE CAN A GHOST DO BUT HAUNT #he was dead the moment the core left his chest & yet. & yet. he came back. because his siblings needed him. because the war. his friends #and I’m loving them so much he gave it all up—including (in his mind) that love #like. fuck. you can’t move beyond the grave when you’re burying yourself with your other hand !!! #the untamed #mdzs #mdzs fanart #mxtx mdzs #wei ying #wei wuxian #lan zhan #lan wangji #hanguang jun #jiang cheng #jiang wanyin #also I’ve had this book for three years I KNOW im behind but holy FUCK WVERYONE GO READ IT NOW #I love. queer people. I love Dracula. I love erasers #& bestie chase. get it.

[mothocean]

Ok maybe this is kind of a reach but could the statement from this ep have been a (potentially almost successful) attempt at a ritual? The overall feel of this episode is very buried but pretty much all the items mentioned are aligned with various entities. Also all the diff volunteers, 'it's all for a good cause', the location being hilltop road and the people that broke in and burned down the building make me think there was probably a larger operation at play here

#like if this was a small specific buried manifestation meant to haunt that manager specifically #then the items would've been only buried aligned/not cursed and weird #the 'its all for a good cause' still works with the buried theme (you cant allow yourself to stop bc youre doing this to help others) #but also. yknow. a ritual is a 'good cause' for an avatar #then again this is very much operating on the 14 fears logic which we don't even know if it applies here #so idk #the magnus protocol #tmagp #tmagp spoilers #tmagp 7 #tmagp theory #roseflower.txt

[fredoesque]

the way franklin has silna's father's body disposed of in ep 3 is a really fascinating indication of how the english see the inuit to me.

because yeah, obviously it's incredibly disrespectful in ignoring the man's own burial traditions and even from an entirely english pov as a way to "bury" someone. but on top of that i find it very telling that they felt it was their place to bury him at all--if they truly didn't think he was worth the trouble, why not just give his body to silna?

they must have felt on some level they had a claim to his body and, perhaps in their seeing themselves as a last outpost of civilization, a duty to make sure it was taken care of. even though they clearly didn't care one bit about the man they were actually burying.

this moment is one of a few in the show where the english seem to assume, entirely without question, that they have authority over the arctic and the people in it. that just by virtue of being english they are naturally and immediately the highest (worldly) power present. which obviously betrays a deeply imperialistic worldview.

and in showing that insidious assumption of authority in interaction with more baldly racist disrespect and disregard towards a netsilik person, i feel this moments highlights the twofold superiority the english feel over the inuit: both as having a exclusive claim to power and as having a exclusive claim to personhood

#is this coherent. hopefully #the terror #obligatory disclaimer i've done some reading on relations between the inuit and victorians but it hasn't necessarily been extensive #so lmk if this is way off base #but i do feel there is sort of a paternalistic bend to the way the english position themselves wrt the netsilik throughout the show #that from what i can tell reflects actual victorian attitudes #like whenever a character (say goodsir or crozier) approaches the netsilik with more decency (especially nearer to the start of the show) #it reads to me not as ''the basic dignity you afford fellow human beings bc they're your fellows'' #but as ''the burden of care you have towards those weaker than yourself'' #for example in the same ep when goodsir tells the men to bury the talismans with silna's father #obviously he means well and is acting from a place of compassion and even attempted respect #but i do find it telling that he never questions whether it's HIS place to make that decision. #he assumes implicitly that he has both the authority and the knowledge to decide how the body should be treated. when really he has neither

[formosusiniquis]

Bitch who sees a leverage au in every fandom they're in: watches movie about Robin hood criminal being chased by an increasingly obsessed and mildly distressed federal agent who also happens to be aldis hodge

Foaming at the mouth: guys you'll never guess what I just thought of

#fucking old yeller me honestly its the only way #something something seeing the thing that is hunting you and exposing your soft underbelly so you can tear out their throat #or escape or whatever #if youve seen my sterling sophie nate ramblings you already know how i feel about the pursuer who wants you to face retribution also being- #-the person who knows and understands you better than yourself so like weve already been here #i know tumblr doesnt do the 5 tags thing anymore but i still feel better burying the fandom tags beneath the ramblings #marmalade #marmalade spoilers #baron x otis

[the-holy-ghosted]

What the fucks a guy gotta do to get a decent coffin around here. I mean really

#the heron speaketh #oh well! i will make my own #not a real coffin. mind you. im talking about like... idk i guess a jewelry box shaped like a coffin? i guess itll be a jewelry box #im thinking breekon and hope thoughts afain. i need a nice thick DO NOT OPEN buried coffin in my posession #but all the craft store paint-it-yourself wooden boxes for coffins are LAME!!!!!!! i need SUBSTANCE to my coffin #installing another edition of Hope Brute Forces Through Another New Hobby #i tried wood whittling a while ago and it went okay but this is. a different beast entirely #i will figure it out as i go LOL #i may not be smart academically but you know what i am? also not skart practically. im dumb as a brick on all fronta #but the tuing is i will do it anyway and i will learn as i go. and thats what makes being a jack of all trades so much fun #i dont need it to be GOOD i just need it to be mine. my little b+h coffin #and i dont see anybody else doing it. so I WILL

[suddenfossilfightersheadcanons]

Frontier Branch Leaders, pt. 3: Drake and Liu Ren

Pt. 1: Background Information

Pt. 2: Sean

Drake

-I stated in an earlier post on this blog that he's 27. Please forget that. He's probably on the cusp of 39 (circa 2015, at the beginning of Frontier).

-Originally from Sweden; moved to Copenhagen a few years before Frontier started.

-Absolutely hates the sensation that occurs when he enters his ancestral battle trance. To him, it's as being possessed, not to mention being utterly exhausting. Starting in his teens, he'd often have periods of abruptly losing control of this trance, and lashing out, sometimes violently, against tormentors and, in worse cases, family. Violet's interest in mysticism allowed her to help him work out what was going on, and slowly learn to detect when a wave of possession was imminent.

-Loves his Ankylo BO because he needn't fear injuring it during one of his trances. He feels most comfortable around padded and armoured vivosaurs.

-For a long time, he tried, desperately, to minimise the length of time he had to spend around children and, by extension, the youngest of the Wardens. He's terrified of hurting people accidentally. Moreover, he finds most people too loud, too much, too extraverted to deal with.

-Has a surprisingly excellent relationship with Sean, who quickly worked out that Drake was intensely sensitive to Sean's typical loudness. As such, Sean usually drops his volume around Drake, and where possible, emails or texts him, instead of talking, on bad days. When Drake's overloaded trying to handle the caseload that comes with managing not only Europe, but also cases in Africa, Sean will often offer to take over some of Drake's more menial duties. Drake, in return, bakes for him, and brings him odd fossil trinkets and weird rocks.

-Despite how much he hates loud people, he loves Scandinavian death metal.

-Known to abuse the World Gate to conveniently escape people. ('Sorry I can't come to your birthday, friend. I'm in Chile right now.')

-Suffered significantly with OCD from childhood, being at his worst in his teens and mid-twenties. He waited for almost 15 years before finally seeking help. While he still has intrusive thoughts and compulsions, they're far better managed now. His social anxiety is also significantly better than it once was.

-Was diagnosed with autism at age 4. Will scream if someone enters his office unexpectedly.

-Has some of the same powers as Violet—however, while she can communicate with spirits and occasionally see the future, he can merely hear spirits and detect psychic energy, but can't actually manipulate them well. Generally, if he can hear his ancestors chattering, he knows his bloodthirsty side is about to take over.

-Blows off frustration by punching pillows. If he punches walls instead, he will leave cracks in the plaster.

-Speaks Swedish and Danish fluently, as well as German and English proficiently. Has a very, very strong accent.

-Visits Switzerland all too often for the sole sake of buying too much Toblerone. Violet can and will raid his supply if there's any left by the time he returns to Fossil Park Europe, so he has about three days to consume everything he buys before she can find him.

-INTP 6w5 sp/sx.

Liu Ren

-Originally from Shanxi. Swears he's forty-eight years old, but Drake and Violet both detect a particular spiritual energy coming from him that's far too immense for him to be a normal forty-something. Writes exclusively in traditional Chinese, never mind that simplified characters have been in use since well before the 80s. Moreover, he's clearly far smarter than he lets on. Violet and Drake are both absolutely certain he's at least a century old, and aren't entirely sure he's human.

-Writes his name as 劉仁, but Violet swears that certain Qing-dynasty documents by 劉陽磊, a mystic and self-proclaimed witch, give off the same energy as Liu Ren's own writings.

-Fluent in Mandarin, Cantonese, six other Chinese dialects, English, and Portuguese.

-Tends to playfully rib Tria for her extremely strong Sichuan accent.

-Consumes obscene amounts of Sprite and Coca-Cola. Nobody knows how his teeth are still intact.

-When other Wardens get injured, he'll tell them to cheer up, and inevitably have a story of a similar injury. As such, he's been poisoned, burned, bruised, and broken over and over. Nobody knows how he's had time to suffer all these abuses, let alone recover.

-Drake and Sean both overtly dislike him. In part, it's that Fossil Park Asia has a longstanding rivalry with Fossil Park America, and that rivalry means that Sean tends to interpret Liu Ren's gestures as patronising, instead of circumspect, and Liu Ren thinks Sean to be green and overconfident. Drake's suspicions about Liu Ren's history remind him of his own supernatural tendencies, leading him to deeply distrust Liu Ren. Stryker is the only one at HQ who isn't concealing some kind of misgivings about Liu Ren, and even then, Stryker is notoriously unwilling to take orders. While Liu Ren has been there far longer than Stryker, and Stryker owes some success to Liu Ren, they exasperate each other.

-He's been in the job for over 25 years, and looked the same then as now. Though few people like him well, he's still impossible to boot from the position, as he's never actually done anything overtly wrong. Fossil Park America claim that he's overpowered and obsolete; Fossil Park Asia claim that he's done more for INTERFOL than Fossil Park America has in the last three decades combined. He's possibly the most experienced person in INTERFOL, and doesn't seem to be running out of momentum; as such, he's invaluable, even if he's incomparably ill-liked.

-Though he's not overtly frayed at the edges in the same way that many, many Wardens are, he can and will go very, very quiet if someone mentions anything to do with Cosmonium, and when he touches the stuff, he claims that it burns. Drake is starting to wonder if Liu Ren's apparent agelessness might have something to do with Cosmonium, and if there may be some awful incident at the heart of what drove him into contact with it.

-Occasionally takes partners for a night, but doesn't appear to be seeking companionship. Has a portrait of a wife in his office, but it's old-fashioned, in black-and-white, and nobody has ever met the woman herself. Mei Lian once worked up the courage to ask her name. Zha Youjing. When Mei Lian looked at the photo of Youjing and called her gorgeous, Liu Ren looked as if he'd seen a ghost.

-ENTP 3w4 sp/so.

#that concludes the ask series for this one! i really enjoyed this so thank you so much! #the idea of drake having ocd came to me thus: #since intrusive thoughts feel like being possessed—are these even my thoughts and where are they coming from and why am i helpless— #then it'd make sense that drake (who gets all but possessed by something buried in his soul) would know that sensation #i don't have ocd but i do have strong oc traits and it's sometimes nice to see yourself reflected in a character #i don't know what's going on with Liu Ren but i love him. so much. he's so weird and he's probably about 150 AT LEAST. #i suspect he and zha youjing had children. liu ren (being immortal) has outlived those children and it breaks him over and over #fossil fighters frontier #fossil fighters #ff liu ren #liu ren #ff drake #drake #カセキホリダー #僕らはカセキホリダー #ff

[fellhellion]

I honestly need to write the Gabriel blows up @ Miguel fic. Truly, write the content u wish to see in the world kind of shit.

#I NEED IT. I NEED IT LIKE AIR. #I want Gabriel to just finally FINALLY fucking explode at Miguel and take him to town on how badly he’s hurt him #how fucked up it was that miguel has never EVER apologised and has just let sleeping dogs lie #rather than confront the pain buried between them #how much the snarky caustic attitude actually hurts. #because like god. these two need to learn that you can fight. that you can hash out this pain and STILL choose to love each other #that anger doesn’t make you your abusive father #that it’s GOOD to stand up for yourself. that crawling after love is only going to make you feel like shit and resent other people for never #knowing about how you feel #and Miguel like. miguel needs to finally pull up the big boy pants and face the MUSIC on this one. like he LOVES Gabriel he feels guilt over #the fact he’s hurt him. but ultimately it means so very little unless you buck the fuck up and have the hard conversations #always easier said than done. but so damn important to do regardless #tunes talks 2099

[skloomdumpster]

sunk cost fallacy andreas <3

#fate the winx saga #fate: the winx saga #andreas of eraklyon #andreas studies #anyway so you sacrifice a whole life for your general and i do mean a whole life: a son #a collapsed lung #a lost best friend and a buried title #and its NOT worth it but its too late to go back now #you can't ever undo that so the only way is to dig yourself deeper #a daughter and sixteen years of planning and however many more sacrifices #anyway what i'm saying is that andreas would fall for an mlm #avon seller andreas

[meatriarch]

im still on my fuckshit but when i think of cc maria ( by extension also nosy maria but specifically noting the isolation aspect of cc );

can you imagine one day skimming the paper. its been a few weeks since all the commotion knowing your friends' had attempted to come find you but then were chased off. never actually heard or saw any of them, but you know they were around.

but you've been moved from the cells to a mattress upstairs. you're given more freedom, more wiggle room, you're allowed to do things - little hobby-type activities - you're given better foods, you're looked after by the older woman at the other house. the man who took you, who terrifies you still to some degree, slowly doesn't feel like such a stranger anymore, you're right to still be cautious around him but as the days, the weeks, pass by, there's simply a different air about him, and in the shack. lighter, in a sense.

you find yourself growing used to the new daily - the new routine. of waking to the sound of him getting ready for the day, of being left alone in there for hours sometimes, others trailing after him like a duckling, around the older womans' property, helping with an array of tasks. and you worry about upsetting her at first, unsure if doing so will earn a knife to the throat. you listen, you do as you're told, you find some kind of way to co-exist - all the while still, in the back of your mind, there's still a ray of hope,

that maybe, maybe, since the rest of them got away - that they're merely licking their wounds, that they'll get word out and even with all the silence since they had been on the property, there's that shred of hope that maybe? someone will waltz in, guns blazing so to speak, and you'll get out of this hell finally.

that is, until that day - that you're skimming through the paper, and you recognize yourself in a little column - and you realize you're staring at your own fucking obituary.

and in that moment everything seems solidified.

you're never getting away.

there's no point in it.

there's no one out there who are still trying to find you, get you back, bring you home, back to your mothers' arms, back to being an older sister, back to the circle of friends you loved so dearly.

you're dead.

not just to the world, but to those you loved - those who claimed to have loved you, too.

what else do you have at that point? where else do you go, even if you still tried to leave? who wouldn't look at you sideways for the blood that's already stained your hands? for the flesh caught between teeth?

who else is there, except the one murmuring encouragement and praise in your ear?

the only constant you've had in all these weeks? whose words rang true - clearly - that no one cared? that they abandoned you? left you there, didn't even care to make sure you were alive or not? only thought of themselves and got the fuck outta there without confirming if you were even still alive.

#[ ♡ ] ── * maria f. / 𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘦. #[ 𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘦. ] ── * queue. #[ 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦. ] ── * cold case. #[ 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦. ] ── * no one saved you. #for cc maria its just. theres literally no one else. the only constant has been johnny. hes the one who was there with her when the #broadcasts sounded off her searches being called off. the only one who ensured she ate - was clothed - was looked after when she fell ill. #who she could talk to. who in spite of all her escape attempts & all her attempts at trying to kill him kept her around - taught her how to #do things properly - protected her from others that'd be brought down below shack. honestly. her isolation in cc - only having any sort of #connection being with johnny for *months* before he trusted her enough to let her join him for longer periods - like its. complicated. #SO fucking complicated. youre seen as dead to literally everyone else in existence - *except for him*. he who sees you. who hears you. #who talks to you. looks after you. its hard not to find yourself becoming attached/devoted. to the only person who knows you still exist #like i mentioned for nosy its. theres lee there too now so its. a little different. it doesnt hit right away - the almost blind devotion. #but it still happens - over time - with the both of them. the last two people who for a time at least know you were even still living. #and its by the time ch2 rolls in for either cc/nosy its just. its so confusing to her. why they all bother returning then? #for cc its just. you all buried me in an empty box twenty years ago...you all moved on then. you accepted that. so why are you here now. #why are you re-opening wounds that shouldve been long buried - with that empty casket. why suddenly care now? #in nosy she suppresses it w. her bitterness but cc i feel it comes out more like... grief & hurt. all over again. because if you came back #20 yrs after the fact? then why DIDNT you return back then? why *now* and not then? at any point in the last two decades?

[meatriarchived]

i did not sleep yay for me im still on my fuckshit but when i think of cc maria ( by extension also nosy maria but specifically noting the isolation aspect of cc );

can you imagine one day skimming the paper. its been a few weeks since all the commotion knowing your friends' had attempted to come find you but then were chased off. never actually heard or saw any of them, but you know they were around.

but you've been moved from the cells to a mattress upstairs. you're given more freedom, more wiggle room, you're allowed to do things - little hobby-type activities - you're given better foods, you're looked after by the older woman at the other house. the man who took you, who terrifies you still to some degree, slowly doesn't feel like such a stranger anymore, you're right to still be cautious around him but as the days, the weeks, pass by, there's simply a different air about him, and in the shack. lighter, in a sense.

you find yourself growing used to the new daily - the new routine. of waking to the sound of him getting ready for the day, of being left alone in there for hours sometimes, others trailing after him like a duckling, around the older womans' property, helping with an array of tasks. and you worry about upsetting her at first, unsure if doing so will earn a knife to the throat. you listen, you do as you're told, you find some kind of way to co-exist - all the while still, in the back of your mind, there's still a ray of hope,

that maybe, maybe, since the rest of them got away - that they're merely licking their wounds, that they'll get word out and even with all the silence since they had been on the property, there's that shred of hope that maybe? someone will waltz in, guns blazing so to speak, and you'll get out of this hell finally.

that is, until that day - that you're skimming through the paper, and you recognize yourself in a little column - and you realize you're staring at your own fucking obituary.

and in that moment everything seems solidified.

you're never getting away.

there's no point in it.

there's no one out there who are still trying to find you, get you back, bring you home, back to your mothers' arms, back to being an older sister, back to the circle of friends you loved so dearly.

you're dead.

not just to the world, but to those you loved - those who claimed to have loved you, too.

what else do you have at that point? where else do you go, even if you still tried to leave? who wouldn't look at you sideways for the blood that's already stained your hands? for the flesh caught between teeth?

who else is there, except the one murmuring encouragement and praise in your ear?

the only constant you've had in all these weeks? whose words rang true - clearly - that no one cared? that they abandoned you? left you there, didn't even care to make sure you were alive or not? only thought of themselves and got the fuck outta there without confirming if you were even still alive.

#for cc maria its just. theres literally no one else. the only constant has been johnny. hes the one who was there with her when the #broadcasts sounded off her searches being called off. the only one who ensured she ate - was clothed - was looked after when she fell ill. #who she could talk to. who in spite of all her escape attempts & all her attempts at trying to kill him kept her around - taught her how to #do things properly - protected her from others that'd be brought down below shack. honestly. her isolation in cc - only having any sort of #connection being with johnny for *months* before he trusted her enough to let her join him for longer periods - like its. complicated. #*so* fucking complicated. youre seen as dead to literally everyone else in existence - *except for him*. he who sees you. who hears you. #you speaks with you. looks after you. its hard not to find yourself becoming attached/devoted. to the only person who knows you still exist #like i mentioned for nosy its. theres lee there too now so its. a little different. it doesnt hit right away - the almost blind devotion. #but it still happens - over time - with the both of them. the last two people who for a time at least know you were even still living. #and its by the time ch2 rolls in for either cc/nosy its just. its so confusing to her. why they all bother returning then? #for cc its just. you all buried me in an empty box twenty years ago...you all moved on then. you accepted that. so why are you here now. #why are you re-opening wounds that shouldve been long buried - with that empty casket. why suddenly care now? #in nosy she suppresses it with her bitterness but cc i feel it comes out more like... grief & hurt. all over again. because if you came bac #20 yrs after the fact? then why DIDNT you return back then? why *now* and not then? #[ mf ] ── * 𝐇𝐂 / 𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐄. { maria. } #[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { cold case. } #[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { no one saved you. } #[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { we saved us. }

[sunsetcorvid]

(hey tags have vent stuff in em)

gee things seem to be getting better i think im doing okay!!!

one week later:

#might be a venty post #i need to go back to the doc to talk about my meds #this week has been. kinda shit and im frustrated at how easily ive been getting pissed at stuff and going back into old habits #well not NEW but i only recently finally getting better at not doing them and then i had a. moment last night so yippee #genuinely feel drained and shit and i want to get myself to do the things i need to do but i cant and its frustrating #every time i try to do schoolwork or stuff like that i just cant and find myself plunged back into my interests because my brain just cant #handle stress apparently #one small stressful thing and its burying yourself again!! enjoy the dull feelings after having a meltdown because your dad asked you to #make a list of schoolwork #me omw to fight god #anyways if any of yall read this this is just me saying that if my posts are a bit spread out or i just dont post my usual stuff its that #and if im not posting splatoon its probably because my brain wants constant distractions and changing so its really switching between sonic #and splatoon rn #anyways love yall i hope i can some shit sorted out soon #vent post #tw vent #gonna delete later #miles posts

[polarisbibliotheque]

when do u think youll be done with the we shall never surrender project??

Hi, dear! That's a great question, thanks for sending it in!

To be quite honest with you all: I don't know.

There's a few reasons for that, so bear with me a little, please "^^

1 - I'm on a sudden art mentoring program with a friend who offered it to me freely.

I've been unemployed and ill for quite a while and a 'friend' of mine literally scammed me and stole all the money I had left, so I'm officially broke. That's been stealing my nights of sleep, because I'm trying to figure something out to make some money and at least pay my credit card every month.

When I mentioned with my mentor I might try to get in the art industry, she was over the moon and took me in for training free of charge and help me as she can so I can get a job. That being said, I'm focusing 1000% on that - hence why I disappear for so long: in less than a month, I've finished 600+ drawings.

Yes, I'm crazy. But this is the only shot I've got after a long period of distress and not knowing what to do. I'm giving it all to it.

2 - I decided to use this mentoring time to improve my art and apply it to the requests of the Shall Never Surrender Project!

I always thought I could do better with the requests - I don't want to deliver something bad and half assed. This last month, I feel like I improved so much, I wanted to wait a little bit to deliver something with a better quality!

3 - My health sometimes kicks me down and so I need to choose carefully what I have energy to do.

As you guys know, I'm trying to recover from an illness and I have a chronic illness as well. I don't eat much and that means sometimes I don't have enough energy to get up from my bed.

There are days I start being productive at 3 p.m - I spend all the morning lying down, gathering energy to tank the day and taking a few naps. There are other days, I can't even bring myself to eat 'cause I feel like I'm going to pass out midway to the kitchen.

Think Vergil dragging his ass out of Hell and crumbling apart at the beginning of DMC5. That's it, literally, I'm not being dramatic.

I have to prioritize what I can do during my days, then. Usually, I prioritize my mentoring, then helping my mom with chores and running errands and then, by night, I'm already very tired. If there's any energy left, I try to write - for the blog here or the book I'm trying to write - and then work on the Shall Never Surrender Project.

It's slow. Very slow. But it's going.

4 - Nevertheless, I want to finish the requests of the Project before starting comissions.

Like I said, I'm broke. And, as you might have seen, I opened commissions to help a friend of my mom who is in a worse situation than mine and really needs some help.

I want to finish the Project requests before any commissions start coming in, because I do feel guilty for making you guys wait so long. I thought I could deal with requests of full, coloured and polished artworks quickly, but I can't.

That was a foolish overestimation of my part and I am sorry.

Even then, people don't commish me a lot. I had a few commissions some years ago, but I gotta tell ya, it's VERY rare for me to get something. Even then, I need to try. For this friend of my mom and for me, eventually.

If I'm not wrong, there are 3 requests for me to finish. I'm working on them in the order people have requested, and honestly, I hope to finish them soon.

I'm really sorry for taking so long, but life sometimes runs over us and we are caught like a deer on headlights.

I know this might feel like a sassy response, but it isn't. I'm really happy you asked and I can explain a few things/give you guys some idea of what's going on and apologize for taking so long :)

#polaris speaks #shall never surrender project #polaris answers #answered asks #art requests #the guilt of taking so long spikes my anxiety 10/10 #but don't worry guys #I didn't forget you #I'm seriously trying #I'm not really used to not being 100% when it comes to my health #like I said about Vergil #he kills me as a character 'cause I get it #I'd do whatever I could to get my healthy self back quickly #and to make things even more amazing #this mentor of mine when I was talking about my job that caused my burnout #she literally said 'you've been through hell. you've been through hell and dragged yourself out' #and all I could hear was Vergil singing Bury the Light at the top of his lungs in the eye of a storm :) #it isn't drama when I say I came very VERY close to dying #everyone who lives around me says how half dead I was for the past 3+ years

[lord-radish]

I think I'm beyond the point of an organised belief system or more far-out philosophical stance than I used to be, like I toyed with the idea of philosophical satanism for a while but learning about how shit the Satanic Temple and LaVeyan Satanism were really soured me on satanism on any level outside of aesthetic. Like fuck it I'll be a poser and dig satanic imagery while being actively critical of the institutions and foundational texts of the wider satanic/pagan movement. I'll respect the people and their own belief and adherence to an idealised version of that, but my belief in any of it, even as a transgressive counter-cultural movement, is gone.

Like for a while I just discussed satanism as a concept and talked about the tenets and how it can be a tongue-in-cheek reaction to organised religion that reflects and contrasts and is empowering and all that, and then it turns out one of the guys behind The Satanic Temple, Doug Mesicko or Doug Mesner or whatever his fucking name is, had a pro-eugenics website until very recently, chose to platform KKK members for years and is generally a very shitty, antisemitic gloryhog.

Like satanism as it exists today is a hokey novelty that some carnie came up with, and now the leading satanic org in the world take people to court because they have a copywrited version of Baphomet. It's a con, and it took the wind out of my sails, especially as more people championed TST on the grounds of religious freedom despite their consistently terrible track record in winning court cases for civil liberties.

Pro-Satan, pro-666, pro-power to the people, pro-transgression. That shit belongs to everyone. But my stance to any sort of institutionalization of that is that it should be burned to the ground. Nothing good comes from a counter-cultural institution. It's an oxymoron.

#satanism #anarchism #i think??? is this anarchism?? #like get this - I have the same stance on satanism as I do on christianity #in that what it means To You and the positive influence it has on you as a person is your business and your right #but the second you put a guy in charge everything falls apart. fuck doug mesner and tst and also fuck the pope + the entire vatican #churches can be lovely and full of art and cultural landmarks. a lot of people died at the hands of the catholic church #like over a thousand indigenous canadian children who were buried in mass graves under state-funded catholic schools #similarly - there can be satanic/pagan locations that are badass and have great art and can be a meeting point for likeminded people #but it's just as likely that someone's going to be a neo-nazi and/or try to co-opt shit for their own ends #and fuck up a lot of goodwill and a lot of good people for selfish ends #yeah it's on a lesser scale than the vatican but it's the same issue. imagery and community and recognition of the self and others is great #art and community is great #putting someone In Charge Of A Community and putting that community into tiers fucks everything up. it's all about personal belief #and whether the person in charge is named John/Mary or Odin/Prarie it usually fucks everything up #a christian is just as valid praying at a church as they are lighting a candle at home or against a brick wall or with friends #a satanist is just as valid whether they're a card-carrying member of a satanic org or if they're doing their own thing #as long as it gets you to the same point of being good to yourself and to others #that gets harder to do when you have someone In Charge of the shit you're into #so cut out the middleman and live to a strong code of ethics. and frankly take as much of the middlemans power as you can #because fuck the middleman. the middleman should mean jack shit to you in my opinion. fuck em

[eskja]

it's good 🤍

#*throws hand over face* “i rushed away to vent my virgilian grief in solitude . . . .” #“you should have written! you should have ruined yourself!” #mendelsohn calling him a freak in a letter to his dad #the first time he enters a charnel house as a medical student he climbs out of the window of it and runs home because it scared him so bad #i'm just trying to imagine what that situation was like #that he felt like the only/best thing he could do was like absconding through a window #as opposed to leaving through the door he presumably entered through #i mean the description of the charnel was horrible like rats gnawing on cadaver body parts everywhere #later in life he had to have harriet smithson's remains exhumed and buried elsewhere because the graveyard was going to be abolished #and the way he describes her (in detail; decayed; head having seperated from her body) and calls her /poor Ophelia/... #“I remember the dull sound . . . and the odour. . . .” #I HAD TO STAND UP AND WALK AROUND BRO. AGHH

[whimsyprinx]

what is it about rich ppl that once they become rich they become like soulless and greedy and hoard their wealth instead of using it to help people like a normal person would?

#whimsy whispers #like there’s been normal ppl who gain fame #where’s y’all compassion and care for other people? idk I just think I’d be different #i wouldn’t hoard all my money and buy three mansion and twleve cars and yatch or some stupid shit #like I doubt I’d be able to change all the worlds problems but I’d try to help people as best as I can #not just my loved ones but like other people and causes that need help #it just makes me wanna cry because like #god these rich ppl could be doing so much they could help so many people but you have million and billion (forgot which is bigger billion I #think?) aires who’s like just don’t help #sure they’ll donate a few thousand or hundreds of thousands if we’re lucky but that’s a penny to them that’s not a dent in the huge amount #of money they hoard for no reason #i just don’t understand why they don’t want to help people like you’re money won’t be buried with you #the money you’ve greedily kept to yourself won’t be following you to hell #i just want to be rich and help my friends and family and people who I don’t even know #i just get so tired the world is bleak and not jsut my own life but the whole world #everything is bad all the time and we’re suffering and sometimes it just feels like it’ll never get better #it won’t be better in my life time I don’t think I’m going to live to see a major positive chnage and that makes me sad #it’s almost 7am maybe I should sleep #I’m not sleepy just weepy