#and im trying to tell myself to be cool and rational about things but i dont even fucking understand reality anymore
ᴊᴏʜɴɴʏ ᴄᴀɢᴇ & ᴋᴇɴꜱʜɪ ᴛᴀᴋᴀʜᴀꜱʜɪ + ᴀ ᴛᴏᴜᴄʜ-ꜱᴛᴀʀᴠᴇᴅ ʙᴏʏꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅ
this ones super self-indulgent, simply cause im in a bit of a mood and i need comfort. so why not write little drabbles with my HUSBANDS!!!! sorry im still working on requests! my schedule is packed and thursdays are about the only days i get to myself, so im working on them, i swear!!!
for more context, there's a couple different ways people can be touch-starved and how people react. i know some people seek out touch actively, but im one of the people who has an aversion to it. that's why it's written like the reader doesn't quite enjoy it!
also, this was kind of inspired by Kocham Wolność by Chłopcy z Placu Broni
cw: male reader, just fluff really, bonus, proofread
-Johnny Cage
Johnny's flashy, touchy, and over-the-top. Of course he is, he has to be. With his status, he wants everyone to know exactly who you are and show you off. You're all his, and only his, and he needs every single one of his fans to know.
So when you shy away from his touch, dodge away from his hand, or even keep your distance the very first time, his heart shatters. He doesn't quite know how to handle it. But he doesn't go with the same approach. He doesn't give up, either.
He's a sucker for physical touch, and if he's denied it, he doesn't know what to do with his hands. He quite literally looks down at them and wonders what he can do.
His first thought is that you dislike him, actually. That you hate him. He has a deep-seated fear of rejection, and for his beloved to turn away from his warmth and love, it stings. He overthinks, and he reacts as such.
Johnny is a 50/50 with being logical. It depends where he is and what environment he is in. However, with love, where he is completely and utterly vulnerable, giving his all to his boyfriend, logic does not take place with his emotions. He does not think that you do not seek the touch he seeks, he craves.
But, before he can let that vile, horrid, agonizing feeling in the back of his throat take hold, there's slight reassurance. A soft gaze that mends his broken heart, if only for a moment. That's when he finally rationalizes.
You don't even need to tell him at that point, he silently understands. Besides, he has other ways he can show his love for you. Spoils you rotten, tells you all he loves about you. See, he can find ways to make up for the lack of physical touch!
Johnny makes sure to ask you before any physical encounter. He asks to hold your hand, asks to hug you, asks to hold you, asks everything. And each time you say yes, he has the biggest grin on his face.
One night, while you two were sitting on the hood of Johnny's car by some cliff,- like those stupid romantic scenes in movies- you lean over to Johnny and rest your head on his shoulder. Your arms are touching, his shoulder provides a comfortable pillow. You feel safe. Gazing at the very few stars scattered in the sky, the night sky's beauty stolen by the city below (and by you, Johnny says). Johnny's beaming. He's trying so hard not to show it, he's trying to act cool. But he can't. He's almost vibrating because of the butterflies in his stomach. He's proud of you, he's in love with you, and god, he's so happy. He leans his head on yours, and whisper all sorts of sweet things, 'I love you', 'You mean so much to me', 'You're the most beautiful man I know', and 'Thank you'.
-Kenshi Takahashi
Since Kenshi focuses on touch mainly in the relationship, he has to re-evaluate how he goes about this without touch. He doesn't start off with it, like Johnny does. But he slowly builds up to it. And when he tries to place a hand on your shoulder, feeling you completely dodge him almost feels humbling.
He's at a loss. But unlike Johnny, his first thought is the right one. Perhaps you aren't ready, you aren't comfortable. And that's okay. He's going to think of different ways to seek out your affection, even though physical touch is the only way he really understands love.
But, he also understands. He knows what it's like to dislike touch, after years of hollow touch and forced affection. And he understands if you just don't trust him enough, he's empathetic.
He'll wait for you, however long it takes. He isn't afraid to admit it's a bit disheartening, but he understands and he loves you and he will always wait for you. He still cherishes your time together, and it isn't spoiled one bit. Besides, he can tell you just how much he adores you. He doesn't have to rely on touch every time.
Like Johnny, he will always ask. But he does prefer that you make the first move, at that point. Any little touch, he also cherishes. Even if it's your hand accidentally brushing against his while walking. You always catch a small smile from him when that happens.
He's happy as is, really. The lack of physical touch doesn't take away anything from the relationship or from you. Simply basking in your presence is enough for you. He adores you, and he knows you're his as much as he's yours. That understanding is really the only thing he craves in the relationship.
He relishes in every little touch you give him, however. Simply holding hands is the most intimate thing to him. He isn't big on PDA, but he loves holding your hand anywhere in public. Even if Sento offers slight guidance to him, he loves knowing you're there to guide him.
The night you finally initiated contact, he fell deeper in love with you. It was quiet, alone, still. In your room, you lay next to him, simply enjoying the pleasures of the mundane. You reach for his hand, and gently trace the ink on his hands. He's calm, collected, but inside burns a fire so bright, that you can feel his body temperature rise. He slowly turns his hand, opening his palm to you. For a moment, your fingers linger, tracing the creases in his hand, before finally intertwining your fingers with his. He turns his head to you, a soft and inviting small on his face. He breaks the silence, whispering an 'I love you, so much', before the silence lay over you two once more.
-Bonus! Johnny Cage AND Kenshi Takahashi
They both agree not to smother you and take their time with you and your comfort. Since most dates and activities will always center around all three of you, they're specifically gentle with you, and are rather hands off with both you and each other (as hard as that is for them).
Just because they are comfortable with each other and each other's touch, doesn't mean they are going to flaunt it. Kenshi believes the ideal is to slowly incorporate you into events. To suffocate you with the idea of touch is too much.
And they do just that. Johnny follows Kenshi's lead, really. Neither of them can live without your touch, and the idea of turning you away is a mutual fear.
When you found yourself between Kenshi and Johnny, simply "watching" a movie from Johnny Dearest, you ended up placing your head in Kenshi's lap, and your legs in Johnny's. You were tired, that was all. Just so happens you had the most comfortable men to lay on. Johnny gave Kenshi the most bewildered look, before realizing the man was still blind. But regardless, Kenshi almost shared the sentiment. However, Kenshi didn't waste his chance. He places his hand on your head, scratching at your scalp. While Johnny just revels in the fact that you've finally warmed up to them.
© freyito, 2024 | masterlist | queue | kofi
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I wanna talk about Bella and MTH for a bit. I wanna roast her.
~~~
I have absolutely no idea why I've become obsessed with a fic out of anything one could obsess with, but SBJ's More Than Human is like a drug to me.
I won't get into the awkward detailing, to save myself from embarrassment, but I've been following the fic since 2014. SBJ has no idea how much of an inspiration her work has been for me.
All of that's to preface, I know MTH is a ship fic, so adding my characters is messy and junky happies for myself. I respect and adore the fic for what it is originally, and adding my characters is just me being silly.
Onward, to Bella.
I have this running joke of Lillian calling Bella "A wannabes Buttercups" It's a poke at how similar I've made Bella to her.
Perhaps I've read sbj's essays on the greens way too many times because Buttercup's entire persona rubs off on Bella. From the "tough girl" trope, to the "only befriending guys" idea.
Can you tell, I think MTH Buttercup is super cool?
Well I thought it'd be totally wicked to up the antee. So "boom" add a shit load of Butch into a Buttercup 'stand in' and "bwam" there you go, Bella.
She smokes. She swears. She makes tasteless sex jokes and flirts with her friends.
I realized way too late that this could make her an unlikable brat. If there's one thing society don't like, it's girls with bad attitudes. And Bella... oh boy.
Because you see, like, Buttercup? She has a bad attitude, but it's not too much of a bad attitude. She's not going around talking weird shit like "Choke me, daddy," and then punching guys in their dicks for edge factor.
Bella is...
I'm not bragging here. It's like, a really horrible character trait I've tact unto her and i won't let it go because "bella go berserk. Bella Demon girl. She no girly girl."
Bella is a mess.
Like this "official" story I'm trying to write with her got me stressed tf out. She's just...
And im trying so hard to search if there is anything more to her character.
Um. There is, I'm just bad at showcasing it. In terms of More Than Human, I like presenting this character to the greens, obviously, like "look at the little baby you've unintentionally birthed by being such a great dynamic."
Butch: lemme see...
Also Butch: *yeets baby*
For example. I like when Buttercup bonks Butch on the head. It's a Funny! But put that trope in my hands? Pft... ha. Shit gets real unfunny real quick.
And like, I mean no harm inserting Bella into the greens ship. I'm just trying to get my baby some action as well, but she is so broken. Like "don't girl, you bringing too much to the party!"
Buttercups rationally crying over her relationship with Mitch at her, age, meanwhile, I gotta have Bella fighting a whole damn lucifer just so that she can shed a tear.
BUT THATS WHAT I MEAN. WHY IS SHE SO EDGY AND HOW DO I LESSEN THE INTENSITY OF IT???
I want her to be likeable, so I try not to make her too much of a brat? Like she's a definite "not like other girls" trope going around skating and only wearing baggy pants and hoodies and smoking weed and ISNT SHE SO COOL BUTCH? DATE HER. I DARE YOU.
I dare you to break Buttercups heart bitch 🔪
Woah.
Maybe... I'm Bella.
So i like inserting my problem child into the fic but there's an issue. She's got bad communication skwills 🥺👉👈
And- and... like... she wants to tell Butch, she think he's hot but what if he doesn't reciprocate it? Because like, they've built this weird friendship where she'll literally say shit like, "ha, yeah, if I had a [REDACTED] I'd [REDACTED] with Butch😏" and he'd be like "LOLOLOL this chick is so funny, where did you find her Buttercup?" And Buttercup is like "😐❗️😬‼️🤨⁉️"
And then I always imagine Butch and Bella just go on and in with the sex jokes, but let's be for real, how many pervy jokes is a guy gonna take from a girl before he eventually goes
1.
The answer is 1.
Thats all it takes lads. Is 1 joke.
Especially if we're talking about Butch. Butch is so much of a meat head he'd immediately assume Bella has the hots for him and HE'D BE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
But since I like to pad shit out Butch is "none the wiser" and eventually he's like "wHaT!?!?! bElLa'S gOt a cRuSh oN mE!?!?!"
And then he'd go fuck around with Buttercup because that's just the way the story goes.
So high, and dry, Bella is basically this meme
And then she starts avoiding her friends cause "I doNt wAnnA gEt betWeEn whAt theY'Ve GoT 👉👈"
And I imagine she tries one last time with Butch. She asks him to prom.
NOW I DONT KNOW WHERE MTH IS GOING, but I hope the greens go to prom 💚💛💚💛💚💛BUT IF THEY DO THAT WOULD BE SO FUCKeD UP IN MY AU LMAO.
Because you see, Bella would try to ask Butch as like, a last time thing, and he'd be like "no, prom is lame. I hated going with amy." And she'd be like "haha you're right."
And then because I don't want to take out any parts of the story I'd definitely want to keep the greens going to prom but then Bella, oh boy. Bella would be cruuuuushed.
So long story short, Bella does not belong in mth even though I work passionately to shoehorn her in there. :D
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joined a new friend group around a year ago after getting out of a reeeeally bad toxic friendship, and there's a girl in this group who i have the biggest crush on. like, I've always thought she was really cool, ever since elementary school (in senior year of hs rn), but ever since joining this group and getting to know her more, I've just kept on finding more things to love abt her.
like she's so fun to talk to (esp when she smiles or laughs, it's so cute!!) and she's always been so sweet to me, and she's also really blunt, which is such a breath of fresh air after that toxic friendship (which suffered from nooooo communication, on both our ends).
it just kinda sucks that i can't like... talk to anyone abt this crush, since the only friends I'd feel somewhat comfortable speaking of it with are in the friend group, and i really wouldn't be able to handle it if she found out (my mental health's been on the rocks for years, and the anxiety i'd feel if she found out from someone else, and then talked to me abt it would prolly cause a bit of a breakdown 😭).
and sometimes i feel bad abt liking her romantically, bc even though she's gay and does like being my friend (so i know she wouldn't have a problem w me crushing on her), i still have some internalized homophobia from when i was young to work thru. plus im just not as close to her as the rest of the group, so sometimes i feel like i just dont have the "right" to wanna date her; like i dont know her as well as they do so i shouldnt think there's even a chance that she'd like me back. i know rationally that that is an ABSURD thought, and that it's perfectly fine to crush on her, but sometimes it's hard to convince myself of that. i wish i could just talk my feelings out w someone so i could be reassured that this is like... alright. that im not in the wrong for liking her. i keep trying to give myself that reassurance but it's not quite the same as it would be if it came from someone else lol.
i usually talk to my mom about this kind of stuff, bc she's been really kind and helpful w my recent mental health issues + general social problems i have at school. but i happen to be a girl crushing on another girl, and my whole family happens to range from vaguely homophobic but would prolly accept me (my mom) to violently homophobic and would kick me out of the house (my dad), so it's not exactly the safest environment to talk abt it in.
i really just wanted to get this off my chest bc it's been almost a year since i first started crushing on her and the feelings are just getting stronger as time goes on. i really am happy to have these feelings, but it does feel really lonely to have to keep them to myself sometimes. (esp after our homecoming dance yesterday... i had a blast, but i just couldn't stop thinking abt how pretty she looked in her dress, and how much i wanted to just tell her how i felt. so i kinda felt like shit when i got home but it was still so much fun to be w that group lol). if i still feel this way by the time we graduate, I'll definitely tell her then, bc i dont wanna regret staying silent; and maybe if i feel safe enough, I'll come out to my mom at some point before graduation too. i really do like this girl a lot. she's wonderful :)
(also i hope anyone who's reading this has a lovely day! <3)
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no offense but when will i just... stop thinking things
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SAFE AND SOUND
a/n: this one took a little longer to write, but im so happy its finally finished! its not what i originally planned, i started a whole different plot but hated it so started again, but i might go back to the first story, so maybe more bodyguard!harry content is gonna come! anyway, hope you’ll enjoy this one!
pairing: Bodyguard!Harry X Reader
warning: use of weapon (no one dies), mentioning of cancer (no one is sick), sexual content
word count: 9.1k
masterlist
“This is not up for discussion, Y/N. What you are doing and what you are about to achieve soon might upset a lot of people that hold great power. We can’t just assume you’ll be fine, walking around like anyone else in the world.”
Your boss, Julian explains it to you, leaning onto his desk, trying his best to keep his cool about your protest to get you a guard to watch out for you and keep you safe. It’s been an ongoing struggle and fight you two have been having these past weeks and it became a burning situation since you’ve made some major progress in your project.
“I’m not some kind of royalty to have security with me all the time,” you grumble rolling your eyes.
“Not just royalties have guards, Y/N. Just accept it, that you’re valuable, your work is very important not just to our company but to the whole world. Do you not realize how big it is? You are close to having the cure to cancer, Y/N! You can easily get a Nobel-prize for that!”
“I know that it’s important, but no one knows me, no one will see me on the street and know who I am or what I do!”
“It’s not about the people on the street. The world is a dark place, darker than you could imagine. Please, just… I want to know that you’re safe.”
Staring back at him with your arms folded on your chest you contemplate his words. You can see the rationality in his words, it’s just that you don’t want to break your routine, you don’t want people around you all the time, you don’t want to end your privacy like that. But Julian is right, your work is important and there have already been a few attempts to steal your researches, but they miserably failed. However that doesn’t mean they will be stopped the next time as well.
“One guard,” you speak up. “Just one. I’m not gonna have a whole fucking team,” you tell him raising your eyebrows. He lets out a relieved sigh, a tiny smile tugging on his lips.
“I was hoping you’d say that.” Reaching out to the phone he presses the buzzer that signals to his assistant, Monica outside and a few moments later she walks in, accompanied with a tall, suited man, his green eyes immediately falling to you upon entering the room.
“Y/N, I took the courage to pick him out for you myself. This is Harry Styles, the best you can find in the city if not in the country,” Julian introduces him as he pushes himself away from his giant mahogany desk, walking closer to the man as they shake hands firmly. You stand up from the armchair you’ve been sinking into these past ten minutes and unsurely hold out your hand to the man.
“Harry Styles, pleasure to meet you,” he introduces himself, a thick British accent lacing through his voice and the way his green irises stare back at you, you can feel your heart fluttering in your chest. Mr. Styles is undeniably the most charming and handsome man you’ve ever met, with his perfectly carved cheekbones and chiseled jawline, pink lips and those enchanting green eyes framed by his thick lashes. There��s something in his appearance, something feminine, but still, he holds so much masculinity at the same time, it’s hard not to be enamored by him.
“Y/N Y/L/N,” you mumble your name, shaking his hand slightly before letting go of it.
“Details about your cooperation have already been discussed with the security agency and us, but of course, your word is what counts, so we’ll walk over the whole plan with you as well,” Julian explains to you and you nod shortly.
The three of you move to the conference room and the next hour goes by with working those so called details out, some of them are ridiculous, some of them you can get used to, at the end you are left with a somewhat bearable plan, but one thing is for sure. Harry Styles will be a big part of your life from now on.
THREE MONTHS LATER
The tiny pack of sugar tears open in your hands, but you put too much effort into it so the countertop is now covered with the content of the pack instead of ending up in your paper cup.
“Fuck,” you growl, dumping the empty pack into the trash before grabbing another one, hoping it won’t end up the same way.
“Let me help you,” a smooth, male voice speaks up next to you and Harry grabs the pack from your hands as he places his own coffee to the counter. You let him tear the pack open easily, pouring the sugar into your drink without problem before he puts the lid back to your cup.
“Thank you,” you mumble, closing your tired eyes for a split second. You’ve been overworking way too much these past weeks, it’s starting to shut your system down, but you don’t want to rest, not when you’re so close to finishing your project.
The past two weeks have been major, you finally made the progress you’ve been working towards for months now, letting you step into the last phase of your work finally. But it’s been a quite stressful time as you’ve been eager to finish as soon as possible, but that meant little to no time spent outside of your lab.
Harry shoots you a reassuring smile before you both grab your drinks and head out of the café in the direction of your workplace.
The past three months were one hell of a ride when it comes to Harry. You didn’t hide your dislike towards his continuous presence in your life, standing by your side wherever you went. It frustrated you, made you feel like you didn’t have your freedom any longer even though he never did anything to make you hate him. He was considerate, respectful and only wanted to do his job, yet you still gave him a hard time at the beginning, right until the need for his work was proved.
Two months ago someone broke into your apartment while you were out, they searched through the whole place, looking for something. Well, not just something, they were clearly interested in anything connected to your research, but luckily, you’re not dumb enough to just let these stuff lay around your home.
Even though you didn’t encounter the person responsible for it, the incident still shook your up. Knowing that someone could get into your personal space so easily, that they could have come at a time when you were home and vulnerable, it scared you. Harry was the person that eased the worry and fear in you, he took care of everything in an instant and upon his best advice, you moved to a new apartment with a higher security level. He even moved to the place next to yours so he could be as close to you as possible at all times. There was a much needed shift in your relationship after that and you didn’t see him as an intruder any longer in your life, but more as a hero.
“So would you like Italian or Mexican tonight for dinner?” Harry asks as the two of you enter the building, using your IDs you go through the massive security gates, the guards in post nodding in your way.
“Isn’t it your night to choose?” you smile at him sideways as you wait for the elevator.
“Okay, then Thai,” he smirks, making you laugh. “Hope you are not planning on eating it here again,” he gives you a warning look and you purse your lips.
“I have a lot to do, and—“
“Y/N, you need to rest sometimes,” he scolds you as if you were just a child.
“I do rest. Sometimes,” you answer with an innocent look as the elevator’s door slides open and you walk in with Harry following you right behind.
“Like once a week? Do you even sleep when you’re at home?”
“I do! Don’t make me look like I’m some kind of crazy workaholic!”
“I’m just worried about you, is all,” he sighs, giving you a hard look.
“Oh, Mr. Styles. If I didn’t know you better I would think you might have a soft spot for me,” you smirk at him teasingly before the elevator arrives to your floor and you walk out without a word. Harry just stares after you with a small smile tugging on his lips as he thinks about your words. It’s funny, especially because you both know something more than just a professional relationship has been going on between the two of you, only dancing around it as the situation is a little too complicated to address now.
It’s not like any rules are tying you down, but you would rather not mix up work with your private life. You might have feelings for Harry, but you refuse to act up on them until he is out of his duty as your personal guard.
Your days are usually the same. While you lock yourself up in your lab, working with no end, Harry stay either with you in there or he hovers around the door, keeping an eye on everyone and everything. Just the thought of his presence never fails to bring you a sense of comfort, knowing that you don’t have to worry about your safety until he is near. It might seem nerdy, but you can easily get lost in your work. It doesn’t feel like a job, growing up with parents who were excellent doctors and pharmacists themselves, you were doomed to be a science enthusiast yourself from the beginning. Learning has never been a task for you but a gift, as you liked to look at it.
Working overtime happens often because you lose touch with time easily once you get down to work. Nothing exists outside of your lab and you hardly realize how late it is until Harry usually warns you.
“I didn’t joke when I said I didn’t want to have dinner in here,” he steps into your sanctuary while you’re in the middle of running tests for the millionth time today. Pushing your glasses up to the top of your head while the machines are buzzing and whirling, you look up at him with a tired smile.
“Let me just… finish this one last test and then I promise we’ll head out.”
“Alright, but I’m watching you. No more tests,” he warns, sitting on one of the stools while you finish what you started.
Harry never really asked you about your work, for a while you weren’t even sure if he knows what you’re doing and why it’s so important. It was never discussed at the beginning and he never brought it up later either. But judging from the time he spends near you at the lab he must have picked up a few things about it surely.
The machines stop working and the tiny beeping sound signals that the results are out. You grab the long printed paper and start scanning the data, chewing on your bottom lip as you hope to find what you’ve been looking for all day. The numbers are coming in great, but it’s been like this for a while, it’s the end that never matches up with your expectations. So when you get there and see the graphs showing the result that you’ve been dreaming of since the start of the whole project years ago, your mouth falls open in disbelief even though it’s what you’ve been working for all this time.
“Oh my God,” you whisper.
“What?” Harry’s head snaps up in alert, jumping off the stool.
“I… I did it,” you breathe out, glancing up from the paper. “It’s my first time succeeding, Harry!” you start laughing, the shock taking over your whole body that you really did it this time.
“And what does that mean?”
“Come on, let me show you,” you tell him in excitement, pulling him over to the computer where you pull up all the data you’ve been working on. A virtual version of a cell comes up on the screen as you start typing, modelling what you want to show him. “This is a completely healthy cell, it’s what you are made of too, mostly,” you ass with a chuckle before another cell comes up on the screen. “And this is what cells that are affected by cancer look like.”
The difference is a lot more complicated than what you can explain to him in such a short time, but he can see it with his own eyes. The color, the shape, everything is different from the first one. Harry examines the screen and nods shortly, letting you know that he is following.
“I’ve been working on a substance that is able to not just detect the cancerous cells but it can also kill it effectively without hurting the healthy ones.”
You bring up the virtualized version of the substance you’ve been working on, a short animation showing how it can tell the two cells apart and only attack the cancerous one.
“I haven’t been able to get the numbers above 60% when it comes to succeeding in the process of selection so my whole project was about finding a solution to that. I’ve been trying to find the right substance to mix with our already existing one to solve the problem, but I haven’t been successful in it.”
“I assume until now,” Harry hum and you nod smirking.
“Yeah. The last test results came back very good, quite promising. It’s still not the end of the process, but it’s a huge step.”
“That’s great,” he smiles at you and though you know he probably understands just a fracture of the whole process, he can still figure out how important it is. “Congrats, Y/N.”
“Thanks,” you breathe out, pride filling your chest as you shut the computer off. “I guess this is my cue to end the day,” you smile at him before packing up everything, getting ready to finally leave.
It’s not the first time Harry is spending the evening at your place. You often have dinner together, or watch a movie whenever you get home early enough to do that. Through the time you’ve spent together because of his job you’ve grown to be friends above everything. Good ones, in fact, which is a big deal for you since making friends has never been an easy task for you.
You bought takeout on the way home and as Harry set the table you poured yourself a glass of wine, knowing well Harry would never drink when he is on duty and he is basically working all the time he is with you, so you’re drinking alone. You both sit to the dining table, starting dinner together in a comfortable silence. It’s another thing you appreciate about Harry. He doesn’t try to talk when it’s not necessary, you hate small talk, you’d rather sit in silence than talk about something nonsense and Harry is a partner in that.
“When do you need to leave work tomorrow to get to the party on time?” he asks breaking the silence and you freeze. His eyes fall on you, examining your features for a moment before he smirks. “You forgot about it?”
“I just… thought it’s going to be next week,” you truthfully admit.
“We talked about it last week,” he smirks at you playfully. “And I told you it would be next week which is… this week.”
“I know how the days work, Harry,” you give him a look of ‘give me a break’ before you turn back to your food. “I just…”
“You just forgot it,” Harry finishes for you, and you just roll your eyes at him.
Glancing at him over the table you wonder if he’ll wear something different than is usual attire he always wears. Black suit with a white shirt underneath, the top two buttons left undone, giving you a tiny peek at the tattoos on his chest. You know those are not the only ones, you’ve seen him with the suit jacket off before, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up, his whole left arm is covered in ink and you wish you’ve had the chance to take a better look at them.
Harry is such an intriguing person in a lot of different ways. He definitely likes to keep things to himself, not one to ask for attention and it’s not just because of his work, it’s his personality. However he is good with people, interacting with them, being social. A skill you haven’t really mastered yourself yet and you probably never will. He always seems to know what to say, you’ve never seen him even the slightest bit anxious or nervous before, the confidence he holds is unmatched and it makes it hard to not think about him in ways you shouldn’t be.
After dinner he helps you clean up, just like he always does before heading out, but before he could leave he stops and turns back to face you.
“Oh, a friend of mine is visiting from the UK on Sunday. I already mentioned it to you before, but I was hoping I could get the afternoon off,” he wonders and you nod right away.
“Of course! I’ll be just fine at home,” you smile at him.
“Thank you,” he smiles back before walking out of your place at last.
Because of the party in the evening you are forced to stop working early the next day. It’s weird to leave the office in broad daylight, but you know today can’t be one of those days when you end up seeing the new day in the lab.
Harry was right yesterday, you completely forgot the whole party thing, meaning you didn’t plan anything ahead and you had nothing to wear, so through the day you called your sister, Mara to help you out. She was more than happy to lend you anything you needed. She meets you at the office, beaming to spend some time with you finally. It’s not that you don’t like her company, but you are quite different, is all. Your sister didn’t get sucked into the world of science, though she definitely has the bright mind to take up on any field she would want to explore. But she was more into the world of art, having written her first fantasy novel at the ripe age of twenty, she is now a bestseller author at only twenty-nine with a bubbly personality and basically every trait you never owned yourself.
“Harry! So nice to see you again!” Mara beams at the man as the three of you meet up at the lobby.
“Hi, Mara,” Harry smiles with a tiny nod.
“Alright, I have everything you could need so let’s head to yours!” your sister cheers before you make your way out to your cars.
Arriving to your home Harry splits from the two of you, letting you to get ready in peace and also to get ready himself. Mara didn’t joke when she said she has everything you need, the trunk of her car is basically filled with clothes and shoes, there’s no chance you won’t find something to wear tonight.
She orders you to take a quick shower as she unpacks everything she brought and when you emit from a cloud of steam with a towel wrapped around your body and one on your head, Mara gets down to work.
“So do you have a date for today?” she curiously asks while she does your makeup.
“Huh, yeah, sure,” you huff ironically. “It’s just gonna be Harry and me.”
“So Harry is your date?” her ears perk up, but you’re quick to protest.
“Of course not! He comes with me everywhere,” you mumble with your eyes closed as she is doing something on your eyelids.
“But it could be a date,” she offers and you huff in disagreement.
“You know that’s not how it works, Mara.”
“You are making it more complicated than it is! No one would blame you if you just… went for it! Harry is obviously an attractive guy.”
“Then maybe you should date him,” you bite back bitterly. Growing up you weren’t the boys’ favorite, they always paid all the attention to your sister. It’s not that you blame her or them, she always had a more capturing and lively personality that attracted people naturally. But it made you wonder if there was something wrong with you, spending all your time with your nose buried in a book or doing researches for fun while Mara was out with her friends, living her best life. Even her published books were inspired by her personal life experiences.
“Y/N,” she sighs, her hands leaving your face so you open your eyes to look at her disapproving expression. “You obviously like him so I would never do that and besides that, he for sure likes you too.”
“What’s not true,” you deny right away, but then you look at her curiously. “But why would you think that?”
Mara smirks at you tilting her head to the side, seeing right through your act that you’re not interested in Harry. Of course you are, but you choose to keep it at bay for the sake of his job.
“Y/N, I see how that man watches every move you make. It’s written all over his handsome face.”
“Of course he watches my every move, that’s his job!”
“No, it’s different. You’ll see it sooner or later,” she smiles before ordering you to close your eyes again so she can finish your makeup.
Mara does wonders to your looks, the makeup look she does on you already makes a huge difference since you don’t bother to do anything on your every days. But she didn’t stop there, she made your hair look like you just stepped off of the pages of a magazine and the dress the two of you chose was the cherry on the top. The emerald green dress was tight around your curves, showing just enough of your body to be still considered modest, but also have some spice. And though there are a lot of advantages of the dress, your first and most important thought (to you at least) was how well it goes with the color of Harry’s eyes.
“I’m a genius,” Mara sighs satisfied with her work as you slip on the pair of nude heels and put your necessities into the little clutch you’re taking with you. Just when you’re gone with everything, the doorbell rings and your heart jumps in your chest, knowing that Harry is standing on the other side of the door.
“I’ll get it for you,” Mara smiles rushing to the door as you walk into the hallway, standing a few feet behind her so as she opens the front door and Harry comes into view, over Mara’s shoulder his eyes easily find your figure standing there, feeling a little awkward and self-conscious, like you are about to go to prom with your crush. Difference is that you are not a teenager anymore and you aren’t going anywhere together together. Tonight is just work for him.
But as his bright green eyes fall on your frame and you see his lips slightly part, you can’t help but allow yourself to think for a moment that it’s more than just work. That he feels the same way about it as you do. Though you don’t voice your hopes and just smile at him faintly, hoping you don’t look completely ridiculous in your outfit.
“Harry, come on in!” Mara invites him into the apartment and he walks in, wearing his usual black suit with the difference of having a tie on around his neck, his white shirt is appearing neat and crispy and his sometimes unruly curls are now gently combed back a little so his curls are not falling into his forehead.
“Hi,” you smile at him nervously fumbling with your clutch as he takes a few steps closer to you.
“Hi. You look… beautiful,” he smiles back at you a little breathlessly as he takes a respectful look down your body before his green irises meet your gaze again.
“Thank you. You look great too,” you chuckle softly. “Should we… head out?”
“Yeah, sure!” he nods, offering you his arm and you link your arm with his instantly, hoping you won’t trip in your heels. “Lock the door when you leave, Mara, alright?” you call out to your sister who is watching you smiling.
“Sure! Have fun!”
You wave at her one last time before walking out and shutting the door closed behind you.
This party is held every year at Pharma-Z, mostly this is the time when the brain meets the money. Investors and funders like to meet the people behind the million dollars researches from time to time and this is the occasion where both sides show up. Julian always asks you to be social and try to mingle, but the whole thing feels forced and painful for you. You’d rather just be left alone with your researches and projects without having to schmooze to the people who give you the money for your hard work.
It’s held at one of said investors’ luxurious penthouse, that doesn’t even look like someone’s home with the huge outdoors infinity pool, the spacious and modern interiors and the expensive looking decoration that was put up just for the occasion.
“Y/N! I’m so happy you are here!” Julian approaches you with a drink in his hands and you’re happy to see a familiar face in the crowd. You don’t really know others from work, only your little team you directly work with and of course, your boss, Julian.
“It’s not like I had a choice,” you chuckle giving him a short, friendly hug. Julian is far from a nightmare of a boss some people have to face at their job. He is an actually nice and very smart and intellectual person. The pharmaceutical industry can be harsh and dark, the competition between the businesses is way more intent than people think. This is why you need the protection. Some companies profit off of the fact that cancer has no cure yet. They make money from all the treatments that doesn’t even guarantee full recovery. A lot of big fish don’t want the cure, because that would make them lose a good chunk of their income and some of those would even go to the depth of hurting you for being so close to ruining their business with your invention. Pharma-Z is luckily a genuine company that wants to help sick people and that’s why you’re working there.
“You know how important it is for the company,” Julian sighs, but he understands how uncomfortable these events make you feel, though he can do nothing to help you. “Harry, nice to see you again,” he smiles at the man by your side.
“Julian, nice to see you too,” he nods, shaking hands with your boss.
“Mingle a little so people can see and meet you, alright?” Julian requests and you just nod silently before he moves on to the next group of people.
You get yourself a drink to ease your nerves a little as people start approaching you. Some of them you’ve met last year, but there are a lot of new faces. Your project has brought in quite a few new sponsors and investors and now they want to meet you and talk about the research their money is going into.
You try your best to keep a smile plastered across your face as you tell the people the same thing over and over again, receiving praise and compliments on your work before moving onto the next conversation just to start over again.
You can feel your social batteries running out, not sure you can put up with another conversation with a wealthy investor who wants you to know you have a job because they gave money for your project in hopes of you bringing more money to them.
Harry has stayed by your side the whole evening, and you didn’t notice but he kept examining you every few minutes to make sure you were holding up and he noticed how tired you’ve grown from socializing for so long.
“Y/N,” he softly calls out, his palm finding the small of your back. “Why don’t we get some fresh air?” he kindly offers and you immediately understand that he is trying to get you away from the guests and the overwhelming conversations you’ve been dealing with. Nodding you let him usher you outside, finding a spot where the two of you can be a little alone.
“I fucking… hate small talks and being nice to everyone,” you let out a long and heavy sigh, as you lean against the railing, paying just one short glance at the city’s bright lights under your feet. Harry chuckles shortly.
“I figured. You’ve been chewing your lips so hard I was afraid you’d start bleeding.”
Now that he has brought your attention to it, you realize you are doing it again, so you let go of your bottom lip from between your teeth and it brings out another chuckle from Harry.
“I’m just… not good with these… social stuff.”
“I disagree with that,” he hums, furrowing his eyebrows.
“Oh please, if you haven’t realized it, my number of zero friends is a tell, I think.”
“Come on, it’s not zero. You’re friends with Mara.”
“But family doesn’t count, she is kind of forced to be my friend,” you shrug, making him laugh.
“Okay, but I’m your friend too, aren’t I?” You furrow your eyebrows at him.
“You spend time with me because it’s your job.”
His eyes soften on you as he leans against the railing next to you, looking so effortlessly handsome and charming, you almost need to take a deep breath at the sight of him. And the cheeky smile on his pink lips is definitely not helping your case.
“I know you didn’t mean that. You’re a smart woman, Y/N.” Reaching out he tugs a loose strand of hair behind your ear as he inches closer a tiny bit. “I think we stepped over the line of just work.”
“So… you consider me your friend?” you ask shyly.
“If you have to ask maybe I’ve been doing something wrong,” he chuckles softly, making you smile too. Folding your arms a shiver runs down your spine from the cold evening breeze. “Are you cold?” Harry asks, but before you could even say a word, he shrugs his jacket off and drapes it over your shoulders.
“Oh, thank you,” you breathe out shyly.
“Do you want another drink?”
“Yeah, I think I might need another one,” you chuckle and nodding he tells you to just stay there until he gets you a new one.
Turning towards the view, you enjoy the lonely moments for a little, not too keen on going back inside and keep up the façade of interest any longer. You’d rather just head home, maybe have another drink with Harry on your couch while you watch a rerun of whatever show is on TV and then fall asleep after a hot shower. You’ve been working way too much lately and it’s just now crashing down on you. Next week you definitely should cut back on your hours at the lab, the project is already going amazing, it won’t hurt if you actually had some rest before you lose your mind.
You hear footsteps approaching you and you think it’s Harry returning, but as you turn around you are faced with a stranger, a man who is staring down at you with bloodshot eyes and… a gun pointed at you.
Your breath hitches, your blood freezing in your veins at the sight and your legs almost give up underneath you.
“What… who are you?” Your voice comes out as a whisper, tears already flooding your eyes as you melt against the railing as if you had anywhere to go, but you have no chance against him.
One glance at the gun allows you to see that it has a silencer on, with the music coming from inside and no one around, if he shoots you, he’ll be able to get away before anyone realizes what happened.
The man doesn’t answer, just holds up the gun, aiming right at your chest and you close your eyes, thinking that this is it. This is how your life ends, in the middle of a posh party with no one around to help you. Your lips are trembling and hands are shaking as you hold onto the railing, waiting for the inevitable to come, keeping your eyes shut, not wanting to see your killer as the last thing you see before you go.
And then you hear the muffled gunshot, making you scream in fear, your knees turning into jelly, but the pain never comes. Instead, you hear grunting and growling as a body falls to the ground in front of you.
Your eyes snap open and you see Harry straddling the man, the gun lying near your attacker’s hand and he is trying to reach it, but before he could, you kick it away as Harry throws a punch at his face that stops him from trying too hard to free himself.
The next few moments are so busy and blurry at the same time. Your legs give up underneath you, making you fall to the ground, your whole body shaking in waves. In the meantime Harry gets the man into a position where he can be easily controlled and people start flooding out at the scene, helping Harry while security working at the party take the man, the police already on its way.
When Harry can finally step back from the attacker, his eyes fall on your figure and he rushes over to you, kneeling down next to your trembling body, cradling you into his arms upon seeing how shaken up you are.
“Hey, it’s alright. It’s over, you’re alright,” he murmurs, holding you tight as your fists grab onto his shirt, your breathing is uneven, the oxygen barely makes its way into your lungs as you’re panting and gasping from the shock. “Come on, let’s get you inside, Y/N,” he gently tells you, helping you up from the floor even though your body feels like a pile of brick.
You can feel everyone staring at you, whispering behind your back as you try to hide in Harry’s arms while he walks you back inside, away from the man that tried to take your life. He walks you into one of the bathrooms and closing the lid he sits you down to the toilet while he grabs a towel and wetting it he kneels in front of you, tapping the cloth to your cheeks gently. You haven’t even realized that you’ve been sweating from the shock and the coldness feels amazing against your burning skin.
“I’m sorry,” you mumble, but not even you are sure why.
“Nothing to be sorry for, Y/N,” he gently murmurs, giving your hand a squeeze as you shut your eyes closed. He grabs a glass from one of the cabinets and fills it with water handing it over to you.
“Thank you,” you mumble, bringing it to your trembling lips, but before you could drink it, your eyes snap up to meet his gaze. “And thank you for… what you did.” Your voice dies down at the end, the picture of the man pointing the gun at you still living so vividly in your mind.
“No need, it’s my job after all, right?” he chuckles softly, making your lips twitch the slightest bit before you start sipping on the water.
The police show up soon and they arrest the man who refuses to talk. They also request you to give your statement about what happened, but Harry manages to let you just give them the brief story and go in sometime soon to give them your full statement so you don’t have to spend any more time there. They are quite sure the man was hired by someone who doesn’t want you to finish your project, and it’s scary how far some people are willing to go just for the money, just to keep sick people in suffering for their own benefit.
Heading home you stay silent as Harry drives, staring out the window you let the nightlights of the city pass by you while you still see the same face, the face of the man that held a gun at you tonight. The gunshot is still ringing through your ears, it was so close, so real… of course it was real! All of it was real and your life was on the line. If it weren’t for Harry, you wouldn’t be here right now.
Arriving to your home Harry helps you out of the car and you cling onto his hand as you head up to the apartment. He keys the two of you into your home, flicking the lights on and looking around before you go further inside, just to be sure.
“It’s all clear, don’t worry,” he murmurs as you nod and make your way into the bedroom. Kicking your heels off your feet you sit on the edge of the bed, letting out a long breath, feeling your limbs loosening up a bit for the first time in the past hour.
Harry moves around the place doing whatever before he joins you in the room, kneeling in front of you his hands find your bare knees and your eyes meet his worry-filled green irises.
“Do you want to take a shower?” he softly asks and you nod your head. “Come on, I’ll start the water for you.”
He helps you up from the bed and walks you into the bathroom. You stand there awkwardly, not sure what to do as he starts running the water in the walk in shower before he steps back to you.
“Would you…?” you ask, turning around, needing help with the zipper of your dress. Harry clears his throat as his fingers work on it and a moment later the fabric loosens around your frame as you hold it to your chest with your arms. Turning back around you peek up at Harry and you notice the slight blush on his cheeks.
“I’ll be outside at the door, okay?” He whispers, his fingers delicately touching your cheek as you nod before you watch him walk out and close the door behind him.
The hot water feels freshening, like it could burn away the memories even though it’s still so vivid in your mind. You stand under the running water longer than you intended, but it feels nice and needed. Once you’re done, you wrap yourself into a fluffy towel and walk out of the steamy bathroom only to find Harry sitting at the edge of your bed, waiting like a loyal puppy. When he sees you, he stands from his spot and you don’t miss the way his eyes scan over your body that’s barely covered.
“Alright, I’ll go now, but if you—“
“Don’t!” you gasp, panic taking over you at the thought of being left alone. One of your hands grasps his arm to stop him from moving and he freezes in his spot, staring back at your fearful eyes. “Please, stay here,” you plead, voice barely over than just a whisper.
There’s a heartbeat of a pause in him as he is watching you intently and for a moment you think he’ll say no, but then his hand finds yours on his arm and he gives it a gentle squeeze as he nods.
“Okay.”
You let out a long, relieved breath as you ease into comfort. He’s staying, he’ll be with you all night, protecting you from everything and everyone.
“Can I take a shower too?” he asks softly and you nod, stepping to your wardrobe to get him a clean towel. “Thank you. I’ll be back shortly,” he tells you before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door closed behind him.
You hear the water running again and you find yourself standing at the same spot as you listen to the noises coming from the bathroom. Harry is in there, soaking under the water naked and you can’t take your mind off of how badly you want to be there with him.
It’s not just because of what happened tonight, though it made you realize that you don’t have much time to waste. Nothing can assure that you’ll live another day and you don’t want to deny happiness from yourself. You want to be with Harry and as far as you can make it out, he feels the same way.
Upon a sudden decision, you pad your way over to the bathroom door and open it carefully, the warmth immediately hitting your face as you step inside and close it behind you. The glass of the shower is steamed up, you can only make out the blurry frame of Harry in there and you wonder if he heard you come in, but it doesn’t seem like that. His clothes from the night are lying on the floor in a pile, his watch that he always wears is carefully placed next to the sink.
Your hands grab onto the edge of the towel around your body and you unwrap yourself, hanging it up on the wall before stepping to the shower. Hoping you won’t scare him, you open the door, the steam immediately hugging your naked body warmly and you see him standing there with his back facing you as you step into the spacious walk-in shower.
He notices your presence, you see him freeze mid-movement before he peeks over his shoulder, his eyes falling on you as he slowly turns, facing you completely. Standing in front of him completely bare, you feel more vulnerable than ever in your life. You’re scared that he is going to send you away, that he won’t let you get closer to him and if that happens, you’ll feel humiliated, but he just stands there in his naked glory and doesn’t say anything, so you take it as a chance to shoot your shot.
Reaching up your hands slide to his hard chest, up to the base of his neck as you push your front against his, skin to skin with the hot water running down your bodies. His hands find your waist and you could cry from the feeling of his touch on you. Pushing yourself up to your tiptoes your nose nudges against his as your eyes fall closed.
“Y/N,” he breathes out, stopping you right when your lips could meet. Opening your eyes you see the hesitation in his green irises that appear so much darker than they usually do.
“Do you not want it? You don’t want me?” you whisper.
“I do. It’s not that,” he sighs shaking his head slightly. “But you went through a lot today. I don’t want you to make decisions you might regret in the morning.”
You can’t help the small smile that tugs on your lips at how considerate and protective he is over you, thinking that this might be just something that crashed over you in the heat of the moment, but it’s been in the making from the first day you met him. Despite all your protesting against him, you knew you needed him and not just as your guard. He is what’s been missing from your life all along, you just never realized it.
“There’s nothing I could regret when it comes to you, Harry. I needed tonight to open my eyes. Our days are counted, I’m done running from my own happiness.”
He lets out a long, shaky breath as his hands hold tighter onto your waist while your hands run up his neck until your fingers tangle into his wet locks.
“I need you. And not just because of tonight. I’ve always needed you.”
“I’m here, Y/N. I’m all yours,” he breathes out before his lips smash against yours all wet and hard, but it’s the most heavenly feeling you’ve ever experienced.
You become a mess, tangled in each other, lips melting together as your hands explore naked limbs and torsos, bodies pressing tightly against each other shamelessly. Harry walks you backwards until your back hits the cold tile and you let out a whimper as you arch your back at the sudden feeling, just as his head dips down, lips attacking your neck, kissing and nibbling on the soft skin. Your light leg lifts as his hands wander down your thigh, your hips pressing together and you feel how hard he is, his cock pushed against your other thigh, making you moan at the feeling. Reaching down you blindly wrap a hand around the base, giving him a few slow pumps, earning a guttural growl from him before his lips return to yours, kissing you hard and filled with passion. His hands are all over you, on your thighs, ass, back and chest, as if he was mapping your whole body wanting to remember how every inch feels under his touch.
Without tearing his lips away from yours, he blindly reaches behind him, shutting the water off before urging you to jump into his arms, legs wrapping around his waist. He carries you out of the shower, placing you to the counter next to the sink as he stands between your legs, his hands once again finding your breasts as they knead them, making you whimper and shake under his touch. It’s euphoric and addictive, you already know you won’t be able to go a day without feeling him against you like this.
“Bed?” he breathes out against your mouth and you nod eagerly. Reaching to the side he grabs a towel, wrapping it around you, tapping and squeezing you to dry you off, throwing fits of giggles when you grab it and wrap it around his body as well.
The towel falls to the floor abandoned and forgotten as he lifts you off the counter and brings you to the bed, laying you down and holding himself up above you with one arm. His other hand cups your cheek and turning your head you kiss his palm gently, eyes glued to his as he settles between your legs.
“Are you sure about this?” he breathes out, his lips dancing against your cheek and the corner of your mouth.
“Yes! Harry, please!” you beg with a whimper, your whole body aching to feel him inside you.
“I’ve got you, I’ve got you, love,” he kisses you as his hand leaves your heated face, runs down your naked body until his fingers reach your throbbing clit.
He slides two digits through your already wet folds, but just to work you up even more he starts drawing circles on your bud, turning you into a whimpering mess underneath him. Your fingers dig into the lean muscles on his back, feeling them twitch from his movements and one hand sliding down to his ass, grabbing a handful of him while pushing him closer to you, his erection pressing against your core.
“Harry, I need you!” you moan, not able to contain yourself any longer. You need to feel him, you need him as close as possible.
Reaching over to your nightstand you grab a condom from the drawer, ripping the package open with your teeth before you carefully grab his erection and roll the condom down his length, ready to finally feel him inside you.
He flicks his fingers on your clit one last time before his hand wraps around the base of his cock, giving it a few pumps while his soft lips kiss down your jawline and throat, his face hiding in the crook of his neck. Your arms circle around his shoulders, your chest heaving from the sensation as he positions himself just right, the tip teasing your hole. Harry lifts his head up, his bright eyes finding your gaze just as he sinks into you, filling you up perfectly.
“H-Harry! Fuck—“ you gasp at the feeling, your walls stretching around his thick cock as he stays still for a few moments, letting you adjust to his size.
You draw your legs up, giving you more space to go deeper as he starts thrusting, sliding in and out of you oh so perfectly, inching you closer to your relief with each movement. You cup his face in your hands, staring into his eyes as if you could see his soul in them and for a split second, you feel like you actually do. His lips are parted and the cross pendant is grazing your chest while he fucks into you, never falling out of his rhythm.
You want to beg to him not to stop, to keep moving and moving, but no words can leave your mouth as your back arches, your orgasm building up in the pit of your stomach. You start grinding your hips in sync with his, allowing him to reach deeper into you, making your toes curl from pleasure.
“Harry, I’m gonna—I-I’m gonna—Ah!” You can’t make up one coherent sentence as your legs start shaking, feeling your orgasm taking over your body.
“I know, baby. Let it go. Let me make you feel good,” he pants, his lips kissing you everywhere he can reach, your lips smashing against each other in a messy kiss, your tongue meeting his in the middle just when you reach your high.
You moan and cry out his name, fingers digging into his flesh as you chase your release. Seeing you fall apart underneath him is enough to throw him over the edge, spilling himself into the condom as his mouth hangs agape, your name falling off his tongue as if it was the holiest glorification. Combing your fingers through his hair you hold him to your chest as he collapses on top of you, his head lying on your naked chest as you both try to catch your breath in the sudden silence that came over you without the sounds of your passion.
Rolling off of your body he slips out of you, an empty feeling taking over you right away, but he is quick to cradle you into his arms to keep the intimacy. You lay your head to his chest, a thin layer of sweat covering the both of you, but you couldn’t care less. You listen to his steady heartbeat as you draw one of the swallows on his chest with your finger, running it over the lines of the ink. You want to soak in the moment and stay in it for as long as possible, but you can barely keep your eyes open. As Harry’s fingers are gently running up and down your bare back you let your eyes close and the last thing you remember is hearing his soft whisper.
“Don’t worry, baby. I’ll keep you safe.”
You wake up without an alarm in the morning and it’s the first time for that in a long-long time. You stir and groan before you open your eyes, your hands reaching out next to you, looking for the man that was next to you when you fell asleep, but there’s nothing and no one beside you now.
Panic rises in your chest as your eyes pop open and you frantically look around in the room, hoping to see him somewhere near, but you’re alone.
“Harry?” you call you as you sit up, holding the sheets to your chest since you’re still naked. No answer comes and you can feel your heart rate rising instantly.
Getting out of bed you grab the nearest clothing item you find which is an old hoodie, and you put on a pair of clean panties before you carefully walk out of the bedroom, afraid of what you might find outside, but it’s completely silent and still, no one is around. Harry has left.
“Fuck,” you breathe out, feeling the lump in your throat growing as tears are forming in your eyes.
Where did he go? Why did he leave? Is he coming back? Is he gone forever?
You can’t stop yourself from going into depth you shouldn’t, just because you don’t find him first thing in the morning, but you still haven’t entirely recovered from last night’s events and before you could stop yourself, you are thinking about the worst possibilities there could be.
And then you hear the lock turning in the front door.
Blood rushes out of your head as you freeze, afraid it’s another attacker and this time you won’t be as lucky as you were last night. But as the door opens Harry walks in with a paper bag in his arm and you can’t help, but start sobbing at the sight of him.
“Harry!” you cry out, launching at him and he barely have time to put the bag down before he catches you, locking you in his strong arms.
“Hey! No need to worry, it’s just me!” he soothes softly, his hands running up and down your back and head. “I’m sorry I scared you, just wanted to get you something to eat, baby,” he murmurs, kissing the side of your head as you try your best to hold back your sobs.
“I just woke up alone and I thought…”
“I’m sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have left while you were sleeping. But I’m back and I’m alright.”
You just nod, hugging him a little longer before you loosen your hold around him to lean back and look him in the eyes.
“So… you’re staying? With me?”
“If you want me to, yes,” he nods with a soft smile as he cups your tear-soaked face in his hands. “I’ll keep you safe and sound and I’ll be whatever you need me to be.”
“Just be yourself and… be with me,” you shyly ask him and he nods, his smile growing into a wide grin before he leans down and captures your lips in a sweet, intoxicating kiss.
Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!
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Hi there, im sorry about bothering you. If you dont mind an emergency request right now id really appreciate it but if it makes you uncomfortable please dont worry about writing this.
tw for abuse
A few months ago my brother whos a few years younger than me beat my mom so bad she lost her eye, she refused to press charges n hes still living in the house with us. hes been having bad violent outburts n has tried to hurt my stepdad (his dad). My mom keeps getting mad at me for having panic attacks whenever he starts, she keeps yelling at me that i need to just leave and get out of the house because im 'to soft'. The other night earlier this week he threatened to stab me and i had a really bad breakdown, i cut myself scratching my arm really bad.
If you dont mind just writing a little something of Sanji, Ace n Zoro helping me calm down from a panic attack after something like that happens again id just really appreciate it. And thank you just for reading, i hope you stay safe.
I will do my best, my love!! Always know you won't bother me and know I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine the stress you must be under. I hope things get more bearable for you, and always know this blog is here for you!! You're a strong person and I love you!❤️❤️
Vinsmoke Sanji
He understands what it’s like having an abusive relationship with a sibling, he has three of those. He had to leave home at a young age just to get away from the abuse.
So hearing you say what happened breaks his heart, especially hearing that your brother hurt your mom, to him this is means punishment. He doesn’t care who gets in his way, he wants to have a talk with your brother.
You will have to convince him this isn’t a good idea, reminding him it will just make the abuse worse, and he could come after you for telling. After a good calm down, he agrees and suggests you find a way to leave.
Worst case scenario he is staying over to make sure nothing happens, he doesn’t mind introducing your brother to his fist or knee.
Portgas D. Ace
Ace is a soft boy, but he has a fiery personality, especially to those who take advantage of people who can’t defend themselves. He has no problem starting a fight if needed, or defend your family.
Will stick around a lot more when your brother is around, just daring him to try something. If anyone asks why he’s there so much, he’ll just smile innocently and say he likes being around you (which is true!).
If your brother does try to start a fight with him, he will suggest talking it out, but once the first blow is thrown, he doesn’t care about talking.
Wishes he could let you live with him, but he’s barely making it as it is with his two brothers and working odd jobs to go to school. Promises to be there for you no matter what.
Roronoa Zoro
Zoro will play the cold and rational boyfriend, but deep down he is just as pissed as the other two, but he knows families are different and he doesn’t have a right to step in.
Will always support you if you need it and teaches you some moves to defend yourself if needed. If he happens to be over when a fight breaks lose, he will keep quiet unless something is directed to him. He cares, but this isn’t his place.
Things do change if your brother says or does anything to you. You two might not be a family yet, but he sees you as family and no one hurts his family. A good hand grab and maybe fracturing a wrist will make your brother mind himself.
Keeps quiet the rest of the night because he is so pissed, but also kind of embarrassed for losing his cool in front of you and letting his emotions show. Give him lots of love, he will be awkward and cute!
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YOUR TAGS ON MY SIS POST??? IMMACULATE
I will include my tags again but only because i cant get enough of myself and not to sound like im tooting my own kazoo but this is the one time in my entire life that ive been objectively correct in every way
Lengthy and unrelated thing under the cut:
Let me talk about canon bro for a second 😌 even though its barely and tangentially related to this and you dont have to read it <3, in fact i would encourage you not to read it i just wanna run my mouth. People love to use him as a cheap villain in their dave angst fics which is like... hilarious to me. Like i get it, since hes abusive he must also be misogynistic and homophobic and transphobic and also genuinely hates dave and revels in his suffering right? Lmeow no, hes just some guy and despite everything he is in fact trying his best. Hes naturally intense and aggressive and this doesnt translate well to child rearing, especially since his one goal is to make dave strong enough (physically and mentally) to Survive whats coming. The random sneak attacks ? The traps littered around the house ? To keep dave on his toes and buff his spatial awareness. The cameras ? To monitor his progress (if hes not up to standard then we’ll just up the “training”) and / or film some puppet snuff (puff ? Snupp?) so he can keep running his dumb website and like provide for them or some shit , or ig to buy random crap and throw it around the house. Who cares if the kid sees the porn anyway its just puppets, plus hes seen way worse at that age and turned out fine (no he didnt). Dave has to be resourceful , he has to be creative and think on his feet , lets have impromptu rap battles and scrabble games. He has to know numbers like the back of his hand (idk why this is even a phrase do any of you memorise what the back of your hands looks like) to effectively utilise his sylladex.... actually nobody even uses that shit idk why bro was so insistent on it. Dave is his protege, his charge, dave is NOT his friend and hes not gonna let him forget that. He teaches him all he knows, in the way he knows. Making comics, mixing music, ironic jokes, being cool and getting shit done. Actually its GOOD that the kid is terrified of him, if hes the scariest thing in the room then dave wont fear anything else. Lets spar then, if dave wins then hes trained him well. If dave loses then hell become resilient. Either way he has to be strong or else hell die, training is necessary. Its either this or failure and failure equals death. Do your own laundry, ration your own food, become independent as fast as possible because i wont be around to take care of you forever
Nothing bro does is without reason, neither is it “sadism”, its all very logical to him despite being horrific to any sane person because his only friend is the mansplain-manipulate-manspread puppet that raised him and he has awful coping mechanisms that barely stretch past beating himself 1. up 2. off. Like he kept his baby alive to the point where it could keep itself alive (kind of alive) and thats a win to him.
That was my thesis on why bro is not a bigot like ,, he makes porn of fucking smuppets, that gives him zero chance to fetishize The Ladies. I doubt he has porno mags littered around the house its just endless plushie dicks and asses (and the two puppets handcuffed together were legit kinda funny like Why). So why would dave have internalised homophobia if it did not stem from his brother ??? Acting as if his only friends werent exuding anti gay vibes, like christ, john “im not a homosexual” egbert, him and rose’s competitive flirting gag (before they found out they were related >.>), just generally the three of them accusing each other of being gay, yknow, as kids do (jade is exempt from the argument we love jade here). Things were just more homophobic back then and its not like bro and dave had a sincere talk about gender and sexuality in the 13 or so years they lived in the same house like why would you even come out to your younger sibling if you could just not !!! Lol !!! I could be getting all this info wrong lol so correct me if im wrong but bro has this cute comic artstyle and it was about someones charge (? Sibling?) straight up dying and the saw guy makes an appearance the end , like there was no sex or gore or whatever but if you look at sbahj the second page literally has an incest sex joke like where does dave even get his material from , which online sites has he been trawling , well haha its not bros job to monitor his kids search history lets ignore it and move on if the kid wants to be gross and make dumb jokes who is he to judge , spread your problematic wings and soar into the cancel clouds little guy
Anyway heres a disclaimer: if youre gonna clown on this post and tell me im an abuse apologist or some shit just understand that i have a lot of free time and love being a huge asshole when provoked but like youre so welcome to add to the discussion i love bullying my favourite character bro strider by steamrolling him we’ve talked about trans rights for too long now is the time for trans wrongs
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what are your thoughts on kankri? personally i never understood the appeal and im interested to hear your take since he Was on the b tier of your list
OK! Sorry for lateness but I only noticed your question at like 2:00 AM and needed a full tank of brain-gas to be able to convey my thoughts even semi-coherently.
So Kankri’s a weird one, probably one of the most convoluted and self-contradictory characters in Homestuck. Its fitting given he’s pretty much a one note joke and hussie’s one-note joke characters actually wind up being either his most oddly complex (see: equius and feferi for instance) or most sympathetic (see: Nepeta). Kankri’s a bit of both imo, though I wouldn’t call him a favorite for me.
Kankri’s characterization is built almost entirely on one fuckin’ note: “LOL AIN’T TUMBLR SJWs FUNNY AND ANNOYING!?!?!?”. If you disagree with this then I don’t even know what to tell you, bc everything from his style of long-winded monologues (that wind up running up on Hussie Ableism Moments bc in-narrative his infodumping is supposed to be annoying???) to his inability to take social cues to his supposed-to-be-interpreted-as-excessive use of trigger warnings to his unapologetic killjoy attitude to his supposed hypocrisy/”privilege” are literally all just a fucking layer cake of anti-SJW stereotypes. This is where the issue of how the fandom interprets Kankri kicks in, as people’s opinions on him (aside from a few diehards) tend to scale from “DAWWW CUTE WIDDLE UPPITY BEANBOY” to “fucking annoying neoliberal”. For the matter, neither of these are intended by Hussie, while he did design him to be cute he wasn’t meant to be hateable for leftist homestuck fans as a (neo-)liberal or faux leftist. Hussie just designed him after everyone hussie found annoying in the social justice community primarily on tumblr. Even his political monologues, though not WITHOUT hypocrisy and bullshit, tend to actually skew towards “pretty fucking reasonable hussie just thinks people being upset by bad stuff is stupid”.
Now, people cite Kankri being ableist in his criticism of certain other dancestors for ~conforming to stereotypes~, which yes from an in context scenario is pretty fucking bad. If someone IRL is dealing with their disability in a way you think seems pretty stereotypical keep that thought to yourself. HOWEVER, AS ONE OF THE MOST CRUCIAL POINTS TOWARDS KANKRI BEING GENERALLY SYMPATHETIC, WE GET THE META ELEMENT. Hussie, in writing a hypocritical mansplainer who goes on and on and on about everything thats politically incorrect about the people around him, practically beat-for-beat replicates talking points PEOPLE HAVE USED TO CRITICIZE HOMESTUCK ITSELF. YES! MITUNA’S PRESENTATION AS A CHARACTER IS 100% UNAMBIGUOUSLY AWFUL IN ITS PORTRAYAL OF PEOPLE WITH BRAIN INJURIES AND MENTAL DISORDERS. DAMARA IS A RACIST STEREOTYPE SO BAD HUSSIE SHOULD GET THROWN IN JAIL. INCEST IS BAD. If ANYONE in homestuck should’ve pulled the meta knowledge shit in post-canon, kankri would’ve been a WAYYYYYY better candidate than dirk for it, especially since kankri seems halfway to realizing he’s fictional just by political analysis of the story he’s in! Kankri seems to exist at the apex of Hussie’s confusion about fandom, given he’s baffled enough by people being obsessed with his work yet so intensely negative that he can only seem to think of them as obsessive manchild wierdos with no sense of rational thought. As someone who myself unironically loves Homestuck and yet have an entire third of my brain dedicated to ripping it apart on an ethical level, I can see some of myself in that turtleneck’d contrarian. Just because someone is a fan of something doesn’t mean they will or should unthinkingly defend it from all recourse. This is something homestuck as a whole struggles with, I think back to the aspect or extended zodiac quiz where one of the questions amounted to “someone is talking shit about a show you like, how do you respond” and there wasn’t even an answer for “actually listen to what they’re trying to say and consider if they could be right”. Kankri is a symbol of sorts for those critical enjoy-ers, in a way. A stupid silly not-that-meaningful way, but a way. I think people should reclaim him.
I’ve touched on it a bit before, but the last main sympathizing aspect of kankri for me (aside from personality things like his frankly unearned patience with a friend group that entirely fucking hates his guts) is a trait share by almost all the dancestors: Hussie’s fucking disturbing use of mental illness & psychiatric disorders with them. Between Kankri’s unwillingness to observe common social cues, his overtly poised and practiced manner of speaking, his obsession with using trigger warnings to warn off confrontation in leu of not just speaking his mind with everything, his tendency to cling to certain articles of clothing for long periods of time, his implied difficulty taking care of himself physically, and the fucking insulting “mom-friend useless-manchild-who-needs-nannying” dynamic he has with Porrim, he comes off (intentionally or no) as a beat-for-beat embodiment of an autistic person as seen through Hussie’s tropey and horribly ableist worldview. This is a common trait he shares with both Aranea and Mituna, as well as many of the other dancestors to lesser degrees (many of them, like Mituna, also have OTHER mental disorders flat-out-stated in such a way that makes their depiction just fucking confused and bad). For me, and for at least SOME other people, it makes unbiased critical reactions to them damn near impossible. They deserve better than how hussie can write them. In a lot of ways I have friends like Kankri, and Hussie’d almost fucking certainly find them just as embarrassing and annoying as he meant for Kankri to be.
So yeah, Kankri isn’t my favorite by any means but i don’t feel like i can or should condemn him. He’s fun. I’d watch his video essays.
And this isn’t even BEGINNING to touch on how much I loathe Porrim as an example of “good cool fun feminists that hussie can sexualize!” And her more open bisexuality than other trolls being both a tool for fetishization by Hussie and a fucking skin-crawling thing to use as a contrast for Kanaya’s status as either “the only confirmed lesbian in homestuck (until postcanon showed rose was a lesbian too)” or “the only lesbian troll in existence ever bc thats totally how sexuality would work with aliens” (sorry if you ascribe to the “all trolls are bisexual bc they’re supposedly binormative as a get-out-of-jail-free card for hussie’s hetero-ass ship tease shit” then. well get better soon)
(seriously though everyone who pulls the “kanaya is the only lesbian alternian” shit owes every lesbian 100 dollars)
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Mari In Twisted Wonderland | Abridged Version | Savanaclaw
Chapter 2
Days after the Overblot Incident and Revenge Unbirthday Party, Mari gets another dream and this time it’s about the furries-- I mean, animals. She didn’t really get what it meant.
Lunch happened and Ruggie stole Grim’s lunch. Mari was confused but then they were called to the Headmaster’s office so she couldn’t question it.
Crowley explained shit to the shared brain cell trio and Mari. Blah blah blah. Grim got upset that he can’t play magift and show off. Mari rationalized with him that he won’t be able to show off if he’s only a beginner and that she’ll treat him to canned tuna to cheer him up. He seemed to be having a terrible day, getting his lunch stolen and then being told he can’t participate in a sports event.
She asked Crowley if he was searching for a way home but quickly realizes that he didn’t seem to be doing it. Though, she didn’t really say anything about it since the demon brothers were probably looking for a way to get her back.
Then they got back to their dorms later but Crowley came to visit and explained that students were getting injured and shit was real sus since there were a lot of them. Grim told him that he didn’t want to help but he pretty much just forced them by saying the Ramshackle Dorm wasn’t free. He also bribed Grim by saying he’d let him participate in the magift tournament. Though, Mari was aware that he was lying through his teeth. However, she said nothing since she didn’t want to break Grim’s spirit again. Plus, she was going to help regardless of the situation. Might as well be helpful while she’s stuck in there.
So the investigation started. They looked in the infirmary and Mari noticed that there were no Savanaclaw students that were injured but figured that maybe the culprit hasn’t got to them yet. Then they interrogated two injured students from Heartslabyul and they didn’t get any helpful answers so they tried looking for more clues. Only to fail and go back to the Ramshackle Dorm.
Ace visited and they explained the situation to him. But then Deuce ran in and yelled about how Trey got injured too. So they ran to the Heartslabyul dorm and saw him.
Mari was genuinely proud of Grim for being nice enough to give Trey the can of tuna she bought for him earlier in order to cheer him up.
Riddle came by to check on Trey and then explained how he got injured. Then Cater pulled everyone excluding Trey to a different room and let Mari tell them about the other injured students.
So, the Heartslabyul gang + Grim and Mari went to investigate together and saw the Pomefiore Dorm, which was probably Mari’s favorite dorm so far. It was certainly pretty.
And now for Mari’s first impression of Rook: “Dang he kinda hot”
Rook will remember that
Then the rest of the gang decided that he didn’t look strong enough so the culprit probably wouldn’t wanna target him, then went on to Octavinelle to see the tweels.
First impression of the tweels as she and the rest ran for their dear lives: “Jesus fuck they’re creepy”
They escaped and Mari finally remembered what she noticed about the injured students again. “Savanaclaw might be the next targets since there weren’t any injured students from there”
So they got to the Savanaclaw Dorm and met Jack. She was like “oh you’re the hot furry” and he was like “excuse me?” Then he tells them that he won’t be targetted and that they should fuck off.
Then they got in trouble with Savanaclaw delinquents and Leona and Ruggie came. Leona recognized Mari as the herbivore that stepped on his tail. The delinquents get angry but he still drinks respecc women juice and just challenges the gang to magift. Since Mari had no magic, she had to sit this one out.
She goes home and sleeps, but then realizes she can’t and decides to have a midnight walk because she hasn’t seen enough horror movies to know that’s not the best idea. Then she meets Malleus. Probably thinks he’s the hottest guy she’s seen in NRC besides Leona and Jamil.
“Oh, you are a child of man” “And you’re a man with horns”
She isn’t particularly intimidated by him. Like— She’s met Lucifer and has been nearly killed by him twice. Some strange dude with horns got nothin’ on him. Mari asked who he is and he seemed to be surprised by that, then he smirked.
Dude said it would be better if she didn’t know and let her call him whatever she wanted. She was like “Aight” then he left.
Mari goes to sleep and has another dream. She wonders why she’s having another dream about animals and why does the lion look familiar. Then she woke up, wondering what it meant. Barbatos was rather vague when he gave her his parting gift.
On the way to school with Grim, she told him about the Tall handsome dude with horns. He dubbed him “Tsunotarou”. She liked the name a lot and decided to use it.
They meet up with Cater and Riddle, who tell them that Jamil got injured. So they go meet him.
‘Ah fuck his voice is hot too’ Mari thought when she met him. It seemed that she was right about Kalim, he was quite friendly.
So they finally found out about Ruggie but couldn’t catch him. Then Jack appeared again. He’s like “Why are you working so hard for other people’s sake?”
Ace is like “Lmao we just wanna get picked for the magift tournament and show off. We don’t give a shit about these guys.”
Mari sighed and said, “Why is literally everyone in this school so selfish?” And Jack questions her as to her reason for doing it. Then she replies with “Well-- Crowley kinda said that living in the Ramshackle Dorm wasn’t free. Though, he didn’t really have to force me since I would’ve helped regardless because I just like feeling helpful.”
Then Jack told the shared braincell trio that they’re worse than he thought. Though, he also mentioned that he didn’t trust Mari’s type. As in, “Guys that just do things for others”
Ace was like “no u”
Then Jack was like “Fight me bitch. If you want me to spill my guts, you gotta defeat me”
Deuce went bad boy like “fuck yeah lets go dude” and they fight
And they win. The rest of the guys are surprised that Mari knows how to fight. She’s like “The Future King of Hell taught me martial arts for like a year” and they’re not sure whether she’s being serious or if she’s crazy.
And then Jack went into this whole spiel about how cowardly tricks make him nauseous and how he wanted to use his own power to claim victory at the top. Then he finally spills the beans on what Ruggie’s unique magic is and how Savanaclaw is in on the plan.
“Why would they?” “How well you do in the magift tournament can have a big impact on your future, right? So I can’t say I don’t understand their feelings”
“GRRRRRRRRRRRR”
Mari is like “Dude, chill. Understanding someone doesn’t mean you agree with them.”
Jack replied with “The now comes before the future! Show what you can do now!”
Then goes onto yet another spiel about how he can’t stand Leona and how that guy is amazing but never gives his full effort.
Ace whispers to Mari like “Damn he tsundere for his own dorm leader”
And Jack tells them that Savanaclaw is going to target the dorm leader of Diasomnia, Malleus Draconia during the day of the magift tournament.
Riddle and Cater come by like “Lol thanks for telling us” Then Riddle was going to tell them the plan but Jack was like “bitch im not gonna help. Im gonna do this shit myself. Bye”
Mari countered with “What have you accomplished on your own?”
He’s just >:(
“Smart wolves hunt as a pack” “Ugh fine. But if your plan sucks, I’m leaving.”
So after hearing Riddle out, he’s like “Aight I’ll help.”
Everyone came to an agreement and went to their respective dorms. Mari has another dream, then thought “Bruh he really wanted to be king then when he became king, he didn’t even do it right.”
“Oi, wake up.”
Mari felt someone shake her awake. She groaned and swatted away the hands, wanting to sleep more. It didn’t quite register in her mind that someone broke into her room. It was only until her blanket was tugged away from her. The cool air hit her bare body. She shuddered and her eyes finally fluttered open to see Jack with a flustered expression before he threw the blanket over her body.
“WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NAKED?!”
“WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?!”
“Tch.” He looked away and rubbed his neck. “I came from my morning run to wake you up early. I couldn’t let you oversleep on the day of the tournament. S-Sorry for breaking into your room…”
Grim perked up and was motivated to go immediately so that he could collect his reward to play in the tournament. “Come on! Let’s go already!”
“Just let me get dressed and I’ll be right with you. Be patient.”
For the rest of that morning, Jack couldn’t look at her directly. When he did, images of that embarrassing situation all came back to his mind
So they got to the stadium. Shit hit the fan but everything was fine because Heartslabyul revealed their plan. Diasomnia is perfectly alright.
Leona got pissed and he revealed his unique magic. Sand is everywhere. He’s trying to kill Ruggie.
Mari is like “Ugh I hate sand”
Jack also revealed his unique magic and turned into a full furry-- I mean, wolf. This surprised Leona, which gave Riddle the opportunity to collar him.
Lilia be spittin facts.
Hearing Leona yell about agony and despair and that things will never change kinda made Mari’s heart hurt because it felt… familiar. How hopeless he seemed to feel. It reminded her of how she was before coming to the Devildom.
Then he overblotted.
Then they beat the sit out of him. Mari is like “Does this usually happen?”
So the magift tournament went on and Savanaclaw still got to play because the injured students wanted revenge. Grim also reminded Crowley about his reward so he was allowed to play against Savanaclaw.
Grim did an oopsie and tried to do a special move but it backfired and hit Mari in the head instead. She had to be rushed to the infirmary.
She woke up to see the shared braincell trio and the furry boys. Ace told her that she’s been asleep for so long that the closing ceremony was over and they’re dismantling the venue.
Leona told her that Diasomnia was the champion.
Ace and Deuce talked about how good Malleus was for a moment. Jack was like “No one can win if they give up before they try.” Mari agreed with him. He then said that he was going to beat Diasomnia fair and square next year.
Leona was like ““Underhanded tactics” require one’s strength too” and she asked if he even felt bad. He was just like lmao no
A wild Babie has appeared. Leona went >:0 but introduced Cheka to them.
Mari squealed at the sight of such an adorable child. Internally she was saying “I’ve seen Cheka for 4 seconds but if anything were ever to happen to him, I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself.”
Jack: So the root of all Leona’s pain is…
Mari: The cutest lil angel ever!
Cheka: Are you guys my uncle’s friends?
Everyone else laughed at Leona except Mari who was busy introducing herself to the lil babie.
Leona will remember that.
Timeskip to when Mari went to sleep and saw the creepy shadow in the mirror. She’s lowkey shook but then she woke up. Seeing the time was pretty early in the morning, she decided to have a lil stroll to see the sun rise.
She found a good spot and sat down, singing lightly to herself.
The sound of leaves being crushed under one’s feet reached her ears from behind her. Mari didn’t bother looking up at the source, being too enamored with seeing the sky as its hues morph from navy to a golden yellow. The dark clouds turned into tangerine and peach ones. She gave a dreamy sigh.
“Oi, Mari.” She heard the gruff voice of Jack. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh you know, just… Watching that gorgeous sunrise. I’ve lived in a land with no sun for a year so seeing it like this is quite the blessing,” She responded, still not looking up.
“Seriously? I’ve never heard of a place like that.” Jack sat beside her.
“Yeah. Living in Hell was quite the experience but it was fun.” Mari chuckled lightly.
Her words caused him to furrow his eyebrows, wondering if she was kidding or not. He shook his head, deciding that it wasn’t important. He turned to her.
“So… about that time…”
“Hm? What time?” Mari finally looked at him, confusion swirling in her pools of chocolate. She tilted her head.
His face felt warm as the blood rose to his tanned cheeks. “Y-You know what I’m talking about!”
Upon seeing his flustered expression, she finally remembered what he meant. Her mouth formed an ‘o’. What could he possibly gain from bringing that up now?
“I wanted to apologize properly…” He spoke up again, rubbing the back of his neck. “I shouldn’t have violated your privacy like that and broke into your room.” He finally had the courage to look back into her eyes. Golden hues meeting chocolate.
“How can I make it up to you?”
Mari saw this opportunity and a smirk crept up onto her lips. “You could make it up to me by letting me pet you.”
He yelped and his eyes widened to the size of saucers. His ears stood erect. “Wh-What?!”
She pouted. “I thought you wanted to make it up to me? This is the least I could ask for after you broke into my room and saw me naked!”
“Okay! Okay! Just don’t yell or someone’s gonna hear you.”
Mari stopped and looked at him with expectations glinting in her eyes.
He leaned downward. His head was lowered and ears curled back, anticipating her touch.
She grinned and laid her hand over his head, caressing it tenderly. “Oh my~ Your hair is quite soft. I see that you groom yourself well, Jack. How nice~” She cooed, continuing to pet him with such pure glee swimming in her chocolate eyes. “How are you liking this? Does it feel nice~?”
“Tch… Just because I’m letting you do this, doesn’t mean I like it,” He told her.
“But your tail is wagging.” She pointed out. Blood spurted to his face and he pulled away.
“Alright, that’s enough!” He exclaimed to her, trying not to show her that he was flustered. “We’re going to be late for school if we don’t hurry.”
Mari glanced at the sun and nodded. “Oh! You’re right. I’ll go wake up Grim and head to class. Thanks again, Jack.”
“Don’t expect me to let you do that again. We’re not friends or anything.” He walked away from her.
A smile graced her lips as she watched him leave with a mirthful gaze. “Alright,” she whispered and made her way to the Ramshackle Dorm.
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The Anxiety Life
Entry 1
I cast my mind back to 2o13, black 2013......
My karate sensei announced he was quiting teaching classes, after 4 years and several belt grades into my training under his guidance. A teacher of not only karate, but a teacher of life, a figure I and so many other students looked up to, and were inspired by.
That's where it all came crashing down around me, that's what I believed to be the trigger.
The mental illness I would eventually come to nick name as the black dog.......
Back in the late 80's, in a time I consider some of the best times of my life, the nostalgia of those later high school years where I felt invincible, achieving in mostly anything I put any kind of time and effort into. Excelling in sports and music, all the things that the "in kids" were into.
Back then, as it probably still is today there were different social classes, or I guess a social pecking order at school. At the top there were the really cool kids, who were usually tough, and bent or broke the rules often, rebelling against any form of authority. At the other end of the pecking order, you had the straight laced somewhat dorky misfits and bookworms, you know the types, that would often go on and peak in life, becoming highly successful long after school days were long gone. I was neither at the top or the bottom of that pecking order, rather, some where in between. I had a good group of friends, and came from a good middle class home where home life was also pretty good.
Even in those salad days, as early as my later high school years It was there.....
and my first recollection, that I could remember when it started.....
Standing at the light switch in my room, the last thing to do before I hopped into bed," ok turn the light switch on, then off, then on, then off, how many times was that,
it has to be six times, ok jump into bed", my head voice now in full gear, loud, and relentless.
"You better get get back up, and back to that light switch or something real bad is going to happen to you". Now back at the light switch again",1,2,3,4,5,6 on off on off", this cycle occurring over and over, before that inner voice was silenced, and I could finally go to sleep.
Entry 2 Black 2013
I think it was a month or so after my sensei, and life mentor left the Dojo when it began....
I woke around 2am in the early hours of the morning, feeling uneasy, but what was more unsettling was my racing heartbeat, and the horrible feeling like I couldn't take a decent breath in. The more I tried and couldn't, the faster my heartbeat raced, and the more I panicked.....waking my wife up in the process I remember spiraling into a frenzied terror.
My wife was trying to calm me down, telling me to try and calm down and focus on measured breathing. But it was to no avail, I couldn't be calmed, I just kept yelling in desperate panic "feel my pulse, feel my pulse im having a heart attack, I can't breathe I feel im going to blackout at any second", but right at the point where I really felt like I was going to pass out, I got control of myself, I started to feel my breathing return back to normal, and after a while my heart rate slowed down, and although shaky from the ordeal after about half an hour and some comforting from my wife I felt ok.
Things got worse, a couple of nights later I had the same night repeated all over again, only this time, in my sheer panic, of once again feeling all the symptoms of a perceived heart attack, the heart palpitations, some chest pains, difficulty with breathing, (hyperventilating), this time, t frantically threw some clothes on at the end of my bed, slipped past my still sleeping wife, and without any rational thought, grabbed my car keys, got in my car and sped off like a mad man, to the closest hospital emergency department, which was about 10 minutes away. I had totally lost it, thinking I was going to die, I sped through red lights, driving as fast as I could, with only the single thought in mind, of making it to the hospital before I passed out,
I got there still frantic, I pretty much ditched the car anywhere I could, close to the emergency department.....
After some hours past, and a panicked wife that woke to realise I had gone MIA....
I got the all clear from the emergency doctor, and I made my way back home.
ENTRY 3
I have been in the workforce now for over 30 years, and I still don't know what I want to do in my working life, in fact as the years roll by I've certainly discovered more and more about what I don't want, but feel lost when it comes to finding my purpose in working life, and for that matter life in general.
I hate my job, I feel like i'm surviving, not really living, and I feel like my only friend
once i've clocked on, is time ticking away, until It's tools down and I can go home.
I'm constantly in search for a possible career change, I covert all the online employment guides, and career guides, I also take online career adviser tests, constantly trying to find my fit, but nothing has ever jumped out at me, screaming here I am, the career choice that's right for you....don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of further study and or training, or putting the work in, for the right role, but my fears lye in the fact that I am getting to, if i'm not there already, an age where a career change would be very difficult, especially when I still don't really know what my best career would look like.
ENTRY 4
People and socialising can make me feel tired, I feel like it takes a lot of energy to go out on a social outing and have to socialise with groups of people, even family social gatherings can wear me down quickly. It's not like I don't like people, I work in a job role that sees me interact with people throughout my day, I know that I mentioned that I hated my job in my last entry, but it's not necessarily, the interacting with people part that I dislike about the job, I feel it's more the overall picture of my job, and how it fits with me as a person.
I feel my social skills have declined, particularly in recent years and especially the older I get. I find the art of small talk particularly hard, I think mainly because i'm of the philosophy, that if you don't have anything "real" to say, or something that has meaning, It's better not to say anything at all. Perhaps this has been one of my downfalls in recent years, and why I don't have many friends, particularly close friends. The other point is, I guess I don't put in the effort required to maintain a friendship either, I suppose this all comes back to putting in the required time, and effort, into building friendships, something I haven't felt a strong need to do. Maybe it might just be that I haven't found people that I naturally find interesting and I can relate to, friends that I don't feel the need to make forced, awkward conversations and interactions with, where I don't feel uncomfortable if I don't have something to say for the sake of filling in silence, where socilaising is actually enjoyable, and doesn't feel like it's soul draining.
Sometimes I wonder if I am normal. as I really like my own company a large percentage of the time. I have interests that I like to endulge a lot of my time with, and I am a very goal orientated person. For the sake of keeping my identity anonymous, I have chosen not to disclose my interests, only to describe how they play a part in my life.
ENTRY 5
I am a very nostalgic person, I find myself reflecting alot about the past.....I often sit and think about how the past always seems to have been the best times of my life, and how the present can never measure up to be as good. I often think back on the fond memories about late high school life, and my first years as a young adult, post high school in the late 1980's and early 90's.
Partnered with my frequent daydreaming and reflecting on life and the past, is my life long love for music. I think music is one of the greatest gifts in life. to me, there is nothing that can conjure up emotions and can elevate your "mood," whether it be, sadness, happiness, aggression, or any other state of mind, quiet like the power of music. One of the many joys of music is it's ability to serve as an audible photo album, a sound track to our lives. How many times have you heard a song on the radio, and it's a song that you may have forgotten about over the years, which you haven't heard since you were a teenager, all those years ago, in a certain time in your life, and then bam! those familiar song notes hit your ears, and there it is, and you are instantly transported back to that time, only, unlike a photo, a still frame captured in time, music is alive it's a truly awesome thing, that for a moment, can take you right back to that time, the smells, a girlfriends kiss, or some special accomplishment back then, a special thing that only the power of music can deliver.
ENTRY 6
Back in black 2013, I had many trips to the hospital, with varying symptoms that seemed like heart attack symptoms.....
It was on one particular occasion, where the hospital ran a thorough range of tests on me, which all came back normal, the doctor started asking me questions i'd never heard before, followed by a paper questionaire. This included questions like, have you ever thought about killing yourself, and do you often feel like you have a lack of motivation in life, and other questions along those lines. After submitting my answers to the questionaire, the doctor came in to discuss the outcome with me, and in summary, concluded I had Anxiety depression issues, and perscribed medication, and discussed having me see a phsychologist.
A couple of days after that consultation with the ER doctor. I woke up early one morning feeling like I wanted to jump out of my skin, I felt terrible, on edge and my heart was beating 100 miles an hour, and I felt myself loosing control, and spiraling into yet another panic attack episode.
Apart from that, I also had other horrible underlying feelings like, an over whelming sense of helplessness, and feeling like everything was just too hard to deal with, and I was just too tired to face the realities of life.
mental health
anxiety
depression
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Ive had mild anxiety attacks in the semi-recent past and I've had borderline or mild (not sure which) panic attacks too, but last night...
Last night, from about 2 to 3 a.m., I straight up spiraled into the worst damn thing I've ever experienced. My RSD was set off, and i tried writing something out about rsd/adhd and saeyoung on my blog, just trying to calm down, distract/comfort myself a little, and i was actually getting sleepy near the end... and then it was hit again in a similar manner, my RSD came in again. And i just... i just lost control. Ive never had that before. Im usually good at being quiet when i cry, but no matter how hard i tried to control my breathing and crying, I was breathing so loud and i-- i was so scared that my mom would hear. Shes nice but. I didnt and still dont want her to know.
An hour. A damn hour. Struggling to breathe and stay quiet, tormenting myself with thoughts over and over and over i couldnt stop thinking that they hate me they hate me im sorry i didnt mean to im sorry please dont stop talking with me just because of that thing please dont leave me im so vacant over here. And dammit i needed- i needed physical comfort, any comfort actually, but i was just... literally grasping at air. Shaking and shaking and clawing at my arms and choking myself and nothing was working and i- i think im- i think im spiraling again ddammit. Not even an hour ago i realized i was still on edge. The... "trigger," although i feel bad labelling them like that- i encountered them, in a way, and the thoughts came back, and dammit my spanish class starts literally rigght now but im shaking and crying a little and i cant focus and i have to have my camera on and i dont want to tell him whats going on either cos he might tell my mom but im trying to make a good impression in that class so hes aware that im not lazy im just struggling with my adhd and-
And i dont need to - to rant abotu yet another idssue rn
[417]
TW: Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Dread
The medical term is trigger. That's the word they would use with you. Why do you think I use TW in my posts I feel like may need a warning on them? It's because people have different triggers that'd need to be labeled so they don't relive or feel very uncomfortable. Sometimes there is a reason for while things bother you, other times it can be a sign that it's been building up for a while. Take it from me here, I've had symptoms of anxiety from a very very young age. There were reasons for the fear and other times I couldn't discern what it was.
It helps to try not to rationalize in the moment, because when your brain is running a mile a minute and do you feel dread and unsure of yourself, you don't want to overextend your brain anymore. You want to focus on other methods to calm yourself down. There are these breathing exercises that work for some people, those things that help people cope with self-harm can also help you cope with panic attacks, there are countless things that you can do to combat it. It doesn't have to feel overwhelming. I know that it does, but you can work to push back. So, my best advice is to take a deep breath, count to ten, focus on that pattern and keep your cool. Easier said then done. It's easy to continue the thought and push push push but you need to slow it down as methodically as you can.
You don't need to prove anything to anyone. Just do your work and be mindful. Take your time and know that it will not spin out of your control in a matter of seconds. I do have to say that if you are consistently getting panic attacks, you need to talk to an adult or your doctor about getting help for this. I can guide you to helpful guides but I cannot make you do anything, and there are professionals who can help you work on this in a way that will work best for you.
And again. If you're 16 or older, you can talk to your doctor without a parent in the room. You can get help with anything without them around with ease. For now, breathing exercises. In on 1 and out on ten. Slowly. Rinse. Repeat. Clutch fabric if you need to but don't bite your lips or scratch yourself.
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1/2 so i’ve been dealing with (read ignoring) an ankle/foot injury for a number of weeks/months. i kept telling myself it was fine because there’s no bruising etc and i was marathon training and had consulted with a pod who showed me how to strap etc. in reality it’s not getting better and it’s been about 10 weeks since the original injury. the marathon has been cancelled. ive pulled back on training but i think i probably need a proper rest... i’m scared that ill put on weight but ashamed that
2/2 this is my fear because i am the first to say it does not matter and weight fluctuates etc etc which i DO believe but i also have a history of anorexia and disordered eating and find change hard. also im scared of losing fitness and having to start again.. i don’t really know what my question is. tell me to take time off? going to try and get a go app & mri scan for see if there’s any visible damage to ankle/foot but don’t know that i’ll be able to with all the restrictions atm... sigh.
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okay hi I weirdly love that you sent me this message, don’t get me wrong that is a shitty spot to be in and I’m sending you a big hug, BUT I feel like I could have literally written this myself I resonate SO much so....hopefully because of that I can say something somewhat useful.
First of all. Take a break. I mean it. Just stop everything for like...a week to start (obviously longer is fine too, but a week might seem less terrifying at first). That doesn’t mean oh I’ll take a break from running but bike 20 miles a day...no! I am also someone who has an EXTREMELY hard time giving myself permission to rest (aside from my rest day) because I will internally debate until the end of time over whether or not it’s necessary etc. etc. and honestly I get a huge sense of relief when a medical professional tells me to take a break because I’m like oh okay cool this is literally their career they know what they are talking about and I’m listening to their advice. BUT especially if you are injured and you ARE injured from what I am hearing here even if you do not technically have the scans to prove it yet, you NEED to rest. If you keep going and pushing through the pain you are going to dig yourself deeper and deeper into the hole and it is going to take WAY longer to dig yourself out. Also, especially given your ED history, I would be extra precautious about handling injuries and ensuring proper recovery. Obviously I know literally nothing about your injury or your ED background, but I would not take a lack of bruising to mean that it’s nothing serious (I’m not trying to scare you here but I feel like sometimes we need to have someone just shove the truth in our face so here you go). If it is something like a stress fracture for instance (which again, I have NO idea the details of your issue so maybe it isn’t), then you might not *see* anything but your bones would LITERALLY BE BREAKING and the more you run on that the more you are breaking them down and the recovery could move from just needing a few weeks rest to needing surgery. Not to mention the long term damage you would be doing to your body. Something I had to really, really come to terms with after I got my stress fracture was realizing I had been underfueling for YEARS and even if I wasn’t actively trying to restrict myself, I had gotten used to not eating enough and that meant my bones were breaking down more and more every. single. day. and it is easiest to build bone density when you are young and gets progressively more difficult as you age so the choices you make today are going to affect you deeply in the future. It’s easy to see it as just one extra run or one skipped snack but the truth is that for those of us who buy into those things we never really stop at one, and all of those “just this one time”s add up. And it’s not good. This past summer I forced myself to take a week off of literally everything not because anything was physically wrong but because I realized I was exercising way too much and significantly undereating and I knew I was on the fast track to hurting myself and causing long term damage.
To your second point about fear of gaining weight- first of all I have so, so, so much respect for you for being able to admit that fear because realistically a lot of us have it, I certainly dealt with it when I was injured, and even if we rationally know that in the grand scheme of things it ~doesn’t matter~ the truth is that coming from an ED background the thought of weight gain is probably going to cause some anxiety! like you said I could talk all day about why gaining weight doesn’t matter and you are more than a number etc. etc. but you and I both already know that. Maybe this is a problematic approach that I’m about to share but honestly if someone had told me this when I first found out about my stress fracture it probably would have relieved anxiety and especially given these wild times I think relieving anxiety is prob a good thing- when I had my stress fracture I didn’t workout for four months. Literally NOTHING. no cross training. no swimming. no biking. no walks. I was on crutches. I literally had to be driven to class. My activity level was at a -12. I ate almost exactly the same as when I wasn’t injured (which, led me to learn I was DEFINITELY under eating), and I gained MAYBE like....5 pounds or less (or maybe none at all it honestly was probably 99% in my head). Literally not enough for anyone at ALL to notice except for me because my pants felt a tiny bit tighter. This honestly made me question a lot of things. For one, I knew I needed to really up my intake when I was allowed to be active again. Two, I started to reallllly question WHY I felt the need to do all this activity if being completely inactive didn’t lead to my body changing much. It made me realize how much I underlyingly relied on exercise to micromanage my body. It was a lot to think about.
ALSO. I didn’t get my period regularly for about 4 years and once that stress fracture hit I made it my MISSION to get it back (and I did!) because that is a huge red flag and I knew that if I wasn’t getting it, that once my bone healed even if I was cleared to run again I was just on track to get another injury because sure maybe THAT injury healed but my shitty bones were still shitty and that meant another injury was just as likely. I decided that gaining a little weight (whatever that meant) was critical because I would much rather be a few pounds heavier than constantly switching between running and injured. Also, more importantly, I want to be able to be active throughout my whole life and if your bones are shit at 21 (when I got my stress fracture) you are probably going to be really f**ked once you are actually the age that people’s bones start to deteriorate.
The most important thing I have learned is that everything you do in terms of over exercise/under eating has HUGE LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES and it is SO easy to ignore that when you are in the thick of it because often you don’t feel those consequences until years later but listen, you do not want to wait for things to get really bad before you decide to start trying to truly, properly recover.
It’s really easy to get caught in that inbetween place of not doing horribly but also definitely not feeling as free as you could when it comes to food/body stuff. Ask yourself WHY you are scared of gaining weight and like I said, operating under the assumption that we know weight gain is okay etc. etc., realistically your body is probably not going to go through some wild change if you just take a break. Think about it, most people barely exercise and they eat whatever and they are all FINE! It’s easy on the internet/social media to feel like everyone is out running 23498239432 miles and eating kale or whatever but most people really aren’t like that and they are getting along just fine.
Also, something that helped me was realizing that I really do not want to spend my whole life constantly terrified that if I eat too much or take a break or whatever my body is going to change etc. etc. and I realized that if i don’t want to spend my whole life worried about that then at SOME POINT I was going to have to just start living how I wanted to because 1. once you start living how you want to you realize the world does not in fact end and you can have your cake and eat it too (ha). and 2. you aren’t going to just suddenly wake up one day and not care about these things anymore, if you really want to be free from it you need to make a conscious effort to live the life you actually want, not the one that is stemmed in fear
In the past year I have grown SO much in terms of food/exercise. And my body has literally not changed. I was holding on so tightly to this perceived control that was entirely unnecessary. Your body is designed to want to stay generally the same (unless of course you are currently in an unhealthy spot) and when you just chill out for a sec you realize that your body is capable of doing naturally what you thought you had to be micromanaging and taking care of all along.
I will leave you with a quote that I heard one time somewhere (how’s that for a source) “You have a lot more to gain than you do to lose”
By letting your body heal
By not making decisions out of fear of gaining weight
By eating what you want
etc.
This was long af and I may have rambled but I hope it helps. Like I said, I’m not trying to scare anyone but also sometimes feeling a little bit of that “oh shit wtf am I doing” feeling is the kick in the butt you need. (but I know it is super duper hard and I am sending you all the love and support and also hoping your foot is something minor)
So yes, take a break, talk to your dr, be super honest with them. When I had my stress fracture my dr and pt were both like ok here’s the deal- rest and eat a lot of food. so I would advise that ;)
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Try Again
(just to be sure)
Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Reader
Word Count: 2, 413
A/N: since im officially adding HP to the fandoms im now writing for, here's my first draco drabble!
The astronomy tower was a good place for you to be alone with your thoughts, although today wasn't a great time to be alone with such thoughts. You don't know if it's just 'one of those days', or if it's the accumulation of awful things that have been getting to you, or simply your self-loathing and bad self-esteem catching up to you, but you sit by one of the wide windows looking out as terrible thoughts cloud your mind.
"What's the matter, Y/L/N? Are you thinking about how your mere existence is a scar on this world?" Turning around to see the face that matches with the dreadfully familiar voice, sure enough, Draco Malfoy is there, invading your alone time— today of all days. You shift your focus back to the window so that your back is to him once more— you don't want him to see how terrible you look. Definitely not because you'd ever want to impress him, but you don't need another thing to add to the list of things you hate about yourself.
"Seems that way," you answer quietly, head hanging low instead of firing back with your chin up like you normally would. Swiping furiously at your cheeks, you try to get rid of the evidence that you had been crying before his steps reach you.
"Or are you- wait, what?"
"I'm utterly useless; a talentless fool, and a worthless idiot," you ramble on, allowing your feelings of self-loathing to take the wheel as you wallow in your self-pity. "You're right okay, now you can skip away happily knowing every insult you've ever told me is true."
"No, no, no," he sounds like a broken machine. "No! This isn't how our dynamic works!" He looks at you with wide eyes, examining you to see if you've been hexed or jinxed, but all he sees is are your red, puffy eyes that have had the life drained from them. "N-No- this is the part where you call me a twat- o-or a foul git—"
"Listen, Malfoy, I'm really not in the mood for this now, so will you please just tell me how much I sicken you, and continue on your way?" Your voice cracks and the way the sound resonates in his chest makes Draco unbelievably uncomfortable.
The boy is already uncomfortable with his own emotions, the mere thought of dealing with someone else's makes him want to run in the opposite direction.
But he doesn't. Instead, he angles his body as an attempt to initiate eye contact as he speaks, "Mind if I sit?" You shrug in response without looking at him.
Things are worse than he thought if he's taking a seat next to you and you haven't Stupified him to the other end of the room yet.
There's a silence that settles over the two of you as you sit side-by-side. Your attention is on the landscape before you, but at some point Draco's eyes are drawn to you. He finds himself taking in details he he's always overlooked during your regularly scheduled bickering. Not minding the bloodshot eyes and the dark circles that frame them, your irises are still bright, your eyelashes seemed to curl with the perfect curvature, and your lips look so soft— he's trying to imagine if they feel that way too. His focus then shifts downwards to where his hand could very well touch yours if he moved it just a little.
"Hey, can I ask you a favour?" You say, breaking the silence, and snapping him out of his trance. He tries to control the blush that appears as he feels like he's been caught. It takes him a moment to remember where he is and to get back into character.
"Are you sure that you're in a position to be asking me any favours?" He tries to maintain his usual snarky tone, but his voice has already gone softer than he would normally allow.
"Please, I'll owe you one in return," He reluctantly nods his head, wondering what you could possibly ask of him. "Would you tell me something about myself- what y-you think- something true- please?"
You know that you shouldn't be looking for any kind of validation or confirmation from anyone— especially not the likes of Draco Malfoy, but you're head has been spinning with every horrible thing that's ever been said to you, as well as all the awful things you already think about yourself. You've lost a certain level of perspective and you need something concrete to hold onto— whether it's good, or bad.
He's grown so quiet, if he weren't sitting right next you, you might've thought that he left. But he's there, looking at you hesitantly. Judging by how much time he's taking to speak, you know you probably won't like what he tells you, but you did ask him and should expect anything.
What he actually says surprises you.
"You're genuine," he says simply. You blink a few times, slightly shocked by his answer. "You're fully, and consistently yourself—"
"Draco..." He perks up at the sound of you calling him by his first name.
"It's something I wish I could be, and I admire you for that—"
"Careful there, Malfoy, you wouldn't want me to think you might actually care about me, do you?"
"O-Of course not!" he scoffs, though he's stumbling through his words. "Don't flatter yourself, Y/L/N. Like I could ever care about an underling like you—"
"Oh, sod off, you insufferable git," you retort, and you both let out a chuckle as you get back into the groove of what your interactions normally consist of.
"This favour you owe me now..." You quirk up an eyebrow, waiting to see where he's going with this. "I can use it at any time I please, correct?"
"Sure, Malfoy," An uneasiness hits your stomach at the sight of a smirk that starts to form on his features.
"I want to use it now." You roll your eyes, so not in the mood for whatever labour or humiliating task he'll tell you to do.
"Does it have to be now?"
"Absolutely. No take-backs."
"Oh, all right! What is it?" His smirk suddenly disappears as he hesitates. He was playing it so cool just now, but his eyes leave yours in favour of his lap. Despite not being prepared for whatever it was just seconds ago, now you want to get it over with. "Come on then, what is it?"
"O-On second thought, never mind—"
"No, just tell me now. Let's get it over with!"
"I-It's okay- le-let's just pretend that everything here never happened- you won't owe me anything—" There's no way you were going to let yourself carry the burden of being indebted to Draco Malfoy, so you grab his shoulder and turn him to face you.
Seeing that he might actually be a little freaked out, you let go of him and ease up, "Tell me what it is you want me to do, I'll do it, and then we can part ways and everything will go back to normal."
His widened silver eyes lock with your Y/E/C ones as he swallows down his nerves. He takes it upon himself to edge his hands forward so that his fingers brush against yours, and he finally discloses what he's been thinking, "Kiss me."
"W-What?" Now it's your turn to be taken aback as you replay the last five seconds in your head to made sure you heard correctly.
"N-Not if you absolutely don't want to- I wouldn't make you do that- tha-that would be messed up, but—"
"Draco," He stops rambling after you use his first name for the second time. Taking it upon yourself, you slide your hand under his and squeeze his palm. "Stop talking."
Following your instruction, he doesn't say another word, and he worries that his request might be so outrageous that you'll hex him, but then you lean forward until your lips have barely brushed his. The combination of your Y/E/C hues and the sweet breath that fans over his lips is enough to put him under a spell— not literally, although it feels that way.
He's shocked by the action. That much is an obvious tell, judging by his expression, but he lets his eyelids flutter closed anyways as you press your lips to his. The first thing he registers is how your lips are indeed softer than they look, and the second is that they are a perfect fit for his. He doesn't kiss you back, instead sitting in the feeling of your lips, as well as wanting to make sure that it's truly what you would want before he made any moves.
His eyes remain closed for a moment after you pull away while he processes the sensation, as well as trying to control the fireworks exploding in his heart. When he finally opens his eyes, he feels at peace for the first time all year. There's something about your firey gaze that calms him, like a home fire. There's also something about it that makes him nervous, but not the same type of fear that he's used to— it's as though you can see right through him.
"Well..." is all you can say, hoping that your voice can mask the sound of your erratically-beating heart.
"Well...?"
"Did you... by any chance... feel anything?" The rational part of your brain deduces that he wouldn't have asked to you to kiss him if he didn't want you to, but the irrational part of your brain is already racing and overanalyzing the sparks you felt when your lips touched his. Now you want to know of he felt it too.
"I-I, uh, I'm not sure," he lies, knowing exactly how it made him feel. He's simply uncomfortable with his own emotions, as we've established.
"You're not sure?" You ask incredulously. Seriously, what kind of response was that? "What, should we try again for you to be sure? Geez, maybe this time, you could actually kiss me back—"
Draco lurches forward to capture your lips to make you shut up. But mostly because he does want to kiss you again. It's an intense, albeit short kiss that ends before you can respond, but comes with a certain rush of adrenaline that causes your heart rate to spike. He doesn't pull away far— his lips would still touch yours again if he leaned forward even the slightest bit.
You're momentarily stunned by the sudden action and freeze, letting the storms that reside in his irises to bore through you as his uneven breaths fan over your lips. His hand moves from where it held yours, trailing up your arm, over your shoulder, and passing over your neck, his fingertips leaving shivers in their wake until he reaches your jaw. He grasps the side of your face, lacing his fingers into your hair, and holds you in place as he brings his lips back to yours again. This time, you push back against him instantly as though on instinct.
Your lips fall in synch with his and he holds you tighter, deepening the kiss. Your hand moves to grab onto just about any part of him so you can steady yourself, and you end up latching onto the crisp fabric of his perfectly ironed shirt. His hand that had been planted on the ground then moves to push your body closer to his as his palm lays flat on your back.
There's a powerful sort of feeling that surges through you like electricity, and the traces of whatever disheartening feelings ruled over you earlier are wiped clean off as Draco kisses the remains of salty tears away.
You and him break apart naturally, slowing the pace and placing soft pecks onto each other's lips that gradually become shorter in length. Leaning against the other's forehead, you both stay like that with your eyes closed. Eventually, your grip on his shirt loosens, leaving the once neatly pressed fabric all wrinkled, but he couldn't care less.
Finally opening you eyes, you begin to speak, without actually knowing what you're going to say, "Well this is..."
"...unusual?" he finishes, awkwardly sliding his hands through his scalp to slick back any stray hairs before placing them firmly on the ground.
There is yet another moment of silence where you look anywhere but at each other. Swallowing your nerves, you decide to look at him, scanning his features for any kind of indication as to what might be going through his mind. He appears to be somewhere between deep in thought and trying to process everything that has just happened.
You take it upon yourself to break the building tension, "So did you, uh..."
"...feel anything?" He finishes your sentence yet again, letting out a light chuckle. You're pretty sure that's the first time you hear him laugh for real. No matter how small it is, it's still a genuine, non-ill-mannered laugh, and it sounds wonderful.
You don't know what he feels at the moment, but you'd be lying to yourself if you said you didn't feel a certain warmth spreading from your chest through to the tips of your fingers.
"I don't know exactly what I feel yet," you tell him honestly. "A-And I don't know what we're supposed to do now—"
"Me either- I mean, I-I don't know what to feel," he admits as his hand slides over to yours. What he really means is that he's conflicted by what he feels, and what he thinks he ought to feel— a constant struggle of his. "So, what now?"
His eyes meet yours, his grey orbs locking you in place. You take notice of one strand of hair he missed. It hangs over his forehead and it takes all of your remaining will power not to reach forward and put back in its place.
"I could push you off the Astronomy Tower," you chuckle in a lighthearted tone, returning to the type of thing you would normally say to each other. His lips pinch into a small fake scowl before he graces you with another genuine laugh that makes your heart flutter.
"Or... we could give it another try..." he suggests, raising an eyebrow playfully. "Just to be sure..."
"Yeah, just to be sure," you repeat, and the words have barely just left your mouth before Draco crashes his lips onto yours again.
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TO THE ANON THAT ASKED FOR A SMUTTY CHEATER BILL STORY HERE YA GO. I INITIALLY DELETED THE REQUEST BECAUSE I DONT CONDONE CHEATING BUT THEN I THOUGHT, ITS FAN FICTION. NO ONE TAKES IT SERIOUSLY AND IVE GOTTEN A FEW REQUESTS FOR THIS SO HERE YA GO.
Here’s part 1: https://anastasiaskarsgard.tumblr.com/post/188138288236/this-is-a-really-involved-request-so-im-breaking
And here is PART 2
Warning!!! Smut 18+ mature content.
As we pulled into the parking lot, everything hit me at once. I had literally witnessed my dog get murdered, the man I thought was perfect was Satan himself, I have no belongings, I don’t know anyone but Randi here. But then I remembered all the good like I was free, I’m not dead, I have the best friend in the whole world, I already found a job and got paid a lot for basically getting to be near the hottest guy ever and there’s photographic evidence, and literally the world is my oyster. I even get to go to Canada! Hayden Christensen lives there! I look over at Randi and can’t help but laugh when I see her sassy face. She is not a fan of feeling sorry for yourself. “Sorry, I’ll stop. They’re happy tears! I swear! I’m so happy I have you, and we’re going on this adventure. I’m just grateful.”
“Wow. Don’t cry Bitch. You’ll fuck up your make up.” my best friend joked.
I chuckled, and gave her a hug, then stood straight out of the car and let her lead the way to see if everyone had gotten a table together in Mortons.
We found everyone taking their seats. I took the closest open seat next to the photographer and Randi sat between Andy and Bill across from us. I didn’t want to look at Bill and have Randi give me shit, so I read the entire menu like 3 times to avoid looking up. We all ordered, and then Andy had the idea for everyone to introduce themselves:
“Ok since everyone is from all over the place, let’s do a fun little ice breaker. I’ll start. My name is Andy, I’m from the beautiful country of Argentina and I’m a Director as I’m sure you all know, let’s be more original, I know! Name your fear! I’m afraid of drowning.”
“My name is Randi, I’m from Kalamazoo Michigan, I’m an artist and I’m afraid of flying.”
“Ok hi everybody! I’m Bill, I’m from Stockholm Sweden, I’m a human and I’m afraid of being alone.”
I giggled like an idiot, froze and looked over at Randi, who was smiling at me, shaking her head. Dammit.
“My name is Barbara and I’m Andy’s sister, and I am afraid of creepy crawly things.”
“I’m Maria from Brazil, I am photographer and I fear bad lighting and flaky models. Thank goodness for Liv appearing like magic and save the day.” She smiled at me warmly and squeezed my hand.
I felt everyone’s eyes on me, and could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I couldn't bear to look at Bill or Randi, so I stared down in my lap and could feel my face heating up. “I’m Liv from Las Vegas, I guess I’m a model for now and I’m afraid of being a failure, velociraptors, roller coasters, centipedes and public speaking.” I chuckled uncomfortably. I ramble when I’m nervous.
“I’m afraid of velociraptors as well,” Bill laughed. “Jurassic Park ruined me as a child.”
Everyone laughed heartily at Bill’s expense but I felt appreciative of him making my ridiculous fear seem more credible and drawing attention away from my obvious nervousness. I snuck a peek at him and he winked at me playfully.
I didn't know what to think of this beautiful man. My initial reaction to him had been negative. He seemed like every other snobby Hollywood type, complete with crazy girl problems, but as the day progressed, he surprised me over and over with how genuine he seemed to be.
As lunch went on, Randi and Maria were talking technical terms, so Bill and I looked at each other and just smiled and shrugged our shoulders. It wasn't like we were being ignored, just everyone except us was wrapped up in their own conversations. I was content with that too, but then an ice cube flew into my cleavage.
My eyes shot open and I observed a very amused Bill trying to contain his laughter but not doing a very good job.
”I promise I’m not an asshole. I have just been trying to get your attention since we got here. So how long you been in LA?” He asked me like i was the most interesting thing he’d ever encountered.
”What time is it? Less than 24 hours.”
His eyes went wide and he choked on his drink a bit, then began to laugh at himself . ”wow, and you already booked a major job? Who is your agent? Are you an actress or just gorgeous... I mean a model.”
”you are super smooth Bill. I’m kidding! Don’t pout you’ll get wrinkles.” I had to give him some shit. “I don’t have an agent because I don’t have any interest in fame at all.”
He looked impressed by that for some reason. ”so what brought you here?”
”Randi is my best friend, and I needed a change of scenery.” I said making sure to avoid eye contact. I knew I was just being paranoid, but I felt like he could look into my soul, with the intensity he was looking at me with. I’m a terrible liar, so I’m convinced if I look at him, he’ll see I’m not being honest. I didn't want to mention the literal hell id escaped to be here.
I could still feel his gaze on me, and I caught Andy looking between us with an unreadable expression. He's a director so he probably can read people really well.
Shit. I’m probably just being my normal neurotic psycho self. No one probably gives two shits about me, and this is all in my head. These people are famous and successful. I’m just another one of the millions of girls that they encounter in LA.
Maria tapped my shoulder. “Hi honey, can you switch seats with your friend? I want to show some my work?”
I smiled and agreed, but the butterflies in my stomach were going crazy as I took my seat by Bill. He was texting so I got my phone out to play a game or two. Suddenly I felt Bill’s leg press up against mine. I looked over at him, but he just continued with his phone, but was clearly smirking. Just then The food arrived and I was famished, so all other thoughts were abandoned.
“Wow! You eat real food!” Andy exclaimed.
“Oh it’s not fair! Liv has always eaten whatever she wants and doesn’t gain a pound.” Randi whined.
I blushed feeling all the attention on myself again. I wanted to fade into my surroundings like a chameleon. “I like to eat.”
I looked at Bill and he was off his phone but I could tell he was watching me as he ate.
“What?” I asked finally, when he didn’t stop looking at me.
“You’re very interesting.” He said.
“How?” I scoffed.
“Well for starters you’re drop dead gorgeous but you don’t like being the center of attention. Am I right?”
“I wouldn’t go with drop dead gorgeous, maybe conventionally attractive. There’s not really anything wrong with me, but there’s nothing to write home to your mother about either.”
He chuckled. “See? There you go again. You’re humble and funny too.”
I could feel my face burning so I excused myself to go use the restroom, but Bill said he’d show me where it was since he needed to smoke and make some calls.
I was fully aware where it was, but agreed and figured I’d let him show me. He turned before we reached the bathroom and he opened a door that appeared to almost blend in to the wall, revealing a very plush, luxurious bathroom with a large vanity.
“Oh my gosh is this like the Secret VIP potty?” I asked. I had always heard about secret lounges and VIP cool stuff so I was ecstatic to actually see one. I probably seemed like such a dork but I didn’t care.
“Something like that.” He said following me inside and locking the door behind him. I turned around to tell him there only appeared to be one toilet, when he took a couple steps and closed the distance between us and kissed me, pinning me against the wall.
He pulled back and looked down into my eyes, “I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you.” He said deepening the kiss again.
I stepped aside to move out from under him and caught my breath. “Your girlfriend though!”
“It’s over with her. It’s been stale a long time” He said as he wrapped his arm around my waist. “Don’t worry, I'm sick of her. I much rather have you. Do you have a boyfriend?” He pulled me against him again and my God the man was so good looking.
“Nope. I’d have kicked you if I did, I’m not a cheater.” I couldn’t believe his lips were on me. I tried to think and get ahold of myself and be rational, but as he kissed down my neck and groped my breasts, it was getting hard to remember why this wasn’t the best idea ever.
“. Listen, you’re very attractive Bill. Like best looking guy I’ve ever seen attractive, and I’m flattered, but we should get back. They’re gonna wonder.”
“This dress is killing me though, and youre so so beautiful.” He groaned lustilly, as he slowly slid my dress’ strap down, continuing his way down, kissing down my throat to my chest. He exposes my breast and looks up to make sure I wasn’t going to object, but when I just bit my lip, he placed his mouth on my nipple, suckling at my breast. He releases it with a popping sound, and slips a hand under my skirt, rubbing me through my panties, as he sucksin a breath through his teeth, before going for my other breast. This motherfucker is gonna kill me. How can one man be so hot and what did I do in a past life to deserve this shit? Seriously universe? How do I carry on knowing his tongue was on my nipple?
He hiked my skirt up to brush his fingertips across my folds. He bit my bottom lip and then pulled his hand out from under my skirt, and sensually tasted his fingers before leading me to the large round cushioned ottoman at the vanity, trying to get me to sit.
“What are you up to? You’re - this is so bad.” I tell him as he pushes me down lightly as he kisses me passionatly.
He looked deep in my eyes. “Please let me taste you and make you feel good. I don’t expect anything from you and I don’t do this type of thing ever, but I’ve honestly never wanted to see what someone tastes like more in my life.”
FUCK. Who in the hell could say no to that?
All I could do is nod, too shocked to fully comprehend that this was really happening.
He got on his knees in front of me and I couldn’t help but admire his gorgeous features. As crazy as it sounds, he had the most beautiful bone structure; severe and angular, yet it was offset by his big green eyes with their long sweeping lashes, luscious plump full lips, and adorable perfect little child-like nose. His hair was silky and thick and he smelled like mint and soap.
I watched as he pulled my underwear off and placed them in his pocket, before leaning me back with one hand, as the other lifted my dress. He bit my inner thigh gently, but still sent a thrill up my spine causing me to visibly shudder.
“I haven’t even started yet,” he smirked up at me cockily, before pressing his mouth to my sex before I had time to reply. I’d had my pussy eaten before, but nothing like this. There was no sign of nervousness or insecurity that some men display when they go down there. Like you can tell they’re not sure what the fuck to do, but Bill was sure of himself and seemed to genuinely love doing it. He was so enthusiastic and it felt so amazing. I never had done something like this in my life, and wouldn’t even kiss on a first date, yet here I am. I was scandalized and aroused, and so close to an orgasm it was shocking.
“You gonna cum for me baby?. I love how you look right now.... Cum on my face.... please?” He pleaded and pushed another finger inside of me. I couldn’t look at him. It was all too much.
I let out a moan as he moved his fingers and tongue in such a combined effort, that I reached out and gripped his hair, pressing his face against me as my release crashed down on me, violently shaking me, and making everything go white, as it wound down. It was seriously one of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had, and it took me longer than a polite amount of time to realize I was still holding his face, and immediately released him”I’m so sorry, I didn't realize I- .”
“Sshhh.” He said chuckling and came up and kissed me deeply. “Can you taste yourself on me?”
I nodded shyly, looking away to break eye contact. He was so intense and I wasn’t sure what he would want me to do to return the favor.
He put his finger under my chin and pulled my face back over to look in his eyes. “You’re beautiful.”
I looked back at him, waiting to see what he did next. I was surprised he wasn't taking his pants off, but was too shy to try and take them off myself. I really wanted to though, and that surprised me. I wanted him to fuck me and wasn’t going to think about it, just do it. Like Nike.
He stood up and helped me to my feet, and helped smooth my dress out. He pulled me into another kiss and I could feel how excited he was.
“Let me make you feel nice now.” I mentally scolded myself for saying something so not sexy but just looked up at him with my best doe eyed look.
“You’re so cute. Don’t worry about me, just yet. I don’t want a quickie in a bathroom with you, I want like a bed and many. many. hours. I want to impress you.”
“I’m fucking impressed Bill.”
He chuckled and bit his lip, and you could see the wheels turning. “I really want to fuck you but I also don’t wanna be too long and full disclosure, Andy threatened serious bodily harm not to touch you. Said you’re a heartbreaking man eater.”
“Randi advised me to avoid you because you’re a foreign actor that’s too good looking for his own good. You’re obviously a monster.”
We both got a good laugh out of that.
“What’s your phone number?” He asked taking out his phone.
“I don’t currently have one. I need to get one. I lost mine yesterday.”
He looked at me incredulously. “If you don’t want to give me your number it’s ok.”
“No. Take Randi’s number, that’s the phone I was using earlier anyways, that way you can call, cuz I don’t have a pen or anything.”
“How about your email, and then you can send me your number when you get it. Randi might catch on if I call her phone.”
“You’re so smart! You’ll see me in a week on your new movie too.”
“Really? That’s the best news I got all day but if you think I’m waiting a week to be inside you, you’re insane. Now go, just say I went to smoke and make calls if they ask where I am. I’ll give it a couple minutes.”
I gave him my email and walked out the door to go try and act like the hottest fucking thing to ever happen in my life, didn’t just go down. When I turned the corner, I nearly threw up and cane to a screeching halt. I met eyes with the estranged exgirlfriend. I didn’t wanna seem weird so I smiled and sat down to finish my meal, since turning around and running the other direction might bad. I mean as far as I was concerned he was single, so I had no reason to feel guilty of anything. And I didn’t plan on admitting that happened to anyone, so not telling her was totally fine. She tapped on my arm and I cautiously turned to her.
“Did you see Bill by chance?” She asked politely.
“He said he was smoking and making some important calls when he left the table earlier.”
She laughed a little and rolled her eyes, “that man and his cigarettes! I blame Hemlock Grove for turning him into a chainsmoker. He’s probably smoked two or three in a row.”
“All this talk about smoking makes me want one, I’ll go find him. Excuse me ladies.” Andy said, as he quickly walked towards the exit to find Bill.
“He’s probably going to warn Bill that I’m here. We got in a fight earlier and he can be such a brat. Watch when he comes back, he’ll pretend like nothing happened.”
Maybe she didn’t realize he really was done with her. She had a funny accent so I assumed she’s Swedish too. He was probably her only friend out here so I couldn’t help but pity her.
“Between silent treatments and smoking, Bill would be dead by morning.” Randi said with a mischievous wink.
“Oh if you could see his hissy fits, they’re the worst!” She enthused. “Anything in his hands he’ll throw and if it’s something like a sandwich or drinks and won’t hurt you, he’ll throw it on you. But then if I try and ignore him, he’ll lay on me like a big dead weight until I speak.” His girlfriend said, laughing hysterically. Everyone joined in telling stories of past boyfriends that were grown men, having varying degrees of tantrums, but I just sat silently. My ex story wasn’t funny.
Andy and Bill came back and I could feel an anxiety attack creeping up on me.
I looked up and Bill was staring at me and I looked to Randi and she had a puzzled look on her face. In an effort to not give anything away to her, my eyes shot back up to Bill.
Bill looked furious. He seethed animosity and I just looked down at my plate to avoid that glare. I wasn't sure if I was the cause or she was, but I desperately wanted to run out of the place screaming and looked at Randi again pleading with my eyes to go. She seemed to catch on and I tried to keep it together.
His ex got up and rushed over to him. Just as I looked up, she planted a soft kiss on his cheek. My eyes narrowed involuntarily as he glanced over at me, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. His girlfriend grabbed his face and kissed him right on the lips.
I felt like I was going to throw up. Tears threatened to spill but I held them back as I stared at my lap. I kept seeing Bill’s eyes as he looked up at me from between my legs. Flashes of him pinning me to the wall, or oh my fucking god! My underwear are in his pocket!
My pussy is on his face too and he just kissed her.
He seemed so genuine, but he was an actor, what did I expect. Faking Feelings and emotions was how he paid the bills. I couldn’t believe how stupid and guillable I was! He probably got off on this shit. Poor woman. I was exaggerating when I’d said he was a monster but goddammit I was right!!!
”Ok thank you for inviting us and I can't wait to see whoever is going to join us in Toronto, but Liv and I must be off for an important appointment and then packing.” Randi said her goodbyes as I walked around the table and stood beside her, keeping my back to Bill.
”Bye everybody. I had fun” I said Sweetly and then I turned on my heel and walked past Bill without a glance.
”See you two in Toronto.” Bill called after us, and even though I refused to look at him, I could feel his eyes burning into my back as we walked away.
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little fighter | shawn mendes
university au, shawn x goth gf
an: this is apart of @fourtristattoos spring fest. i didn’t go with the weekly theme but i did use a few of the prompts from the list provided, and i will continue to do so for this series until the fest is over. honestly, im really proud of this chapter in particular, and it would be cool if ppl read it or whatever. if you like whats going on here, blease check out my masterlist for this series :)
masterlist | series playlist
For someone who acts composed with no fucks to give, I harbor quite a bit of guilt. I've always felt bad about things I did or did not have control over. I came from a good family. My parents never divorced, and they supported me through and through. I was always a good student in school, I even got into not one, but three amazing psychology departments at different universities. I had good friends throughout my life. I loved and lost. I experienced things the typical human goes through, and that was before I moved to Canada.
I was quite lucky. Nothing tragic happened in my childhood or teen years to make me the way I am now.
No, I don't count my abnormal digestive issues as something tragic. It's not tragic. Besides, that started in my early adulthood and yes, I harbored guilt about that too because I was able to manage it without much hassle.
So tell me why my self esteem was so shot that I went after shitty people so they could love me the way younger me imagined. Tell me why I got so depressed before university that I stopped going to work and school. Tell me what I did that made me a nervous stick in the mud. When and why did my brain become my biggest enemy?
This isn't about my not-tragic backstory. This is about where I'm at now. I've done my crying and wallowing. I go to therapy and swallow my pills.
I'm worried this will be perceived as a “she got a boyfriend and now she's healed” trope. It's not that. Like I said, I've done my healing. The fact that I have Shawn now is a very, very fortunate bonus. I know my worth now, even though sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him. I know what I don't deserve, and that's every relationship I had before Shawn came along.
He wasn't ashamed of his own feelings. There was never a moment where he didn’t tell me how he felt about me. He wasn't afraid to tell people that I was his girlfriend. He was all but bursting whenever he talked about our families meeting. I know that's the barest of minimums, but you would be surprised at the amount of relationships I had that were 50% shame and 50% hiding.
Shawn was always going the extra mile for me. If my digestive system was messing itself up, he kept me bed bound at his apartment, and he nursed me back to health. If I was bored to death at work, he would come and visit me after my manager's shift ended. He would drive thirty minutes into town to bring me lunch as well.
Work. That's where this is going. I was sat in my tiny office with Manager Stacy and Coworker Jason, counting down the minutes to my break. It had been a long day, what with customers complaining about $30 oil changes, or telling me their life stories in a rude manner over the phone. I had to smile at gross older men staring down my shirt as they paid for their car service. Stacy was short tempered and tired, so she gave us hell for little things like the printer being out of paper. She yelled at Luca for slouching in his chair, and that prompted him to leave the room. At least he had the liberty to to do that. I had to stay at my tiny window and feel Stacy's third eye burn a hole in the back of my head.
I would have texted Shawn telling him to just take me somewhere for lunch as opposed to bringing me something, but I didn't want to get yelled at for being on my phone. I just pretended to add up gas receipts while periodically looking at the time on the computer.
Somehow, Shawn read my mind. I saw him enter the dealership from my post, and he was empty handed. Typically, he had a to-go bag from my favorite restaurant. He made eye contact with me and smiled, coming up to my tiny window. Before he could say anything, a male voice called his name.
A deep pit formed in my stomach as Luca excitedly came into view. He greeted Shawn with a handshake/bro hug and a “What's up, man?”
Not going to lie, I forgot they knew each other. I forgot that Luca gave Shawn the concept for his song Mercy, even though I skipped that song when it came on these days.
I grabbed my purse from under my desk as I let the two catch up. I told Stacy I was taking my lunch break and then stepped out of the office. I stepped up to Shawn, still feeling uneasy.
“What brings you here, man?” Luca asked him. “Need service on your car? Or are you finally trading that thing in?”
“Nah, I'm just here to see my girl,” he replied as he took my hand.
Luca tilted his head and pursed his lips the way he always did when he was confused. His eyes trailed towards me like he barely noticed I was there.
“You two?” he asked in disbelief.
“Four and a half months,” Shawn replied with a smile.
I couldn't help but triumph in the shocked expression Luca had on his face. I smiled a little bit.
“I thought you were lying about that,” he said to me.
“Why would I?” I asked in return. Then, I walked towards the building exit, dragging Shawn with me.
~
I'm not one for flexing what I got, but I was particularly happy about Shawn walking me back into the dealership when we got back from lunch. We went for sushi down the street and spent most of my lunch hour in the car. We were still in our own little world, I was genuinely smiling. Other salesmen who worked here had to do a double take because I wasn't doing the typical customer service smile.
We stopped at the door to my office. Shawn planted a quick kiss on me and promised to see me later. I couldn't help but watch him as he walked past the office window towards the exit. I was okay to think about our little world until the end of my shift tonight. However, I was snapped back into reality at the sound of all too familiar words coming out of the all too familiar devil's mouth.
“Fucking whore…”
My smile dropped, but I was ready to roll my eyes and move on. Shawn, on the other hand, stopped in his tracks and turned on his heel. He went up to the window and looked directly at Luca.
“What did you just say?” he asked, leaning on the little ledge. He was smiling, but it wasn't hard to tell that he was annoyed.
“I'm just calling it as I see it,” Luca replied with an all too casual shrug. “She tell you what she got up to before you came along?”
I know I said I was about to let it go… but I ended up barging into the office and going right up to Luca. I grabbed the arm of the chair he was sitting in and forcibly turned him towards me.
“You don't get to do that,” I said loudly, not caring about my professional reputation at the moment.
Luca had an amused look on his stupid face. His dimples showed, and he was trying not to laugh.
“No - you don't get to act like I don't exist and then get salty because I found someone who's way better than you will ever be!” I pointed a finger at him. “You're the last person who gets to call me a whore! You broke the pieces of me that I gave you! You toyed with me for two and a half years, you manipulated and used me and you do not get to call me a whore because I decided I deserve better! You don't get to make any criticisms about my life. Get fucked!”
Silence rang through the tiny office. Jason and Stacy were standing at the back, mouths open. The smirk on Luca's face had vanished, and his face flushed with embarrassment. I was ready to throw hands if he dared to speak.
Then, Shawn spoke. “Let's step out for a second.”
My eyes darted to him. He nodded his head to the side, towards some customers who had lined up behind him. One was a girl about my age who was smiling at the tea being spilled. Behind her was an older couple who looked annoyed at my lack of professionalism.
“Go,” Stacy piped up in her stern manager voice. “I'll help these guys.”
I sighed angrily and went out the door again. I muttered an “excuse me” as I went past the small line of customers and I walked past Shawn. He quickly followed me, telling me to slow down.
“Hey!” He jogged up to me as I stepped outside into the oncoming night. He grabbed my hand to stop me. “Honey…”
I wanted to childishly pull away from his grasp and fold my arms. I wanted to run back inside and drop kick my coworker. Steam was still blowing out of my ears, and I wanted to fucking fight.
“Does he always say things like that?” Shawn asked.
“Yes,” I grumbled, looking out at the shiny new vehicles that were displayed in the parking lot. “That's all I am to him, that's all I've been to him since I broke up with him.”
“And you just let him get away with it?”
My seething eyes now pointed at my boyfriend. I yanked my hand away from his and flailed both my arms as I unleashed another bout of rage. “You think this is the first time I've yelled at him? You think I always just lay back and take it all the time? I'm always sticking up for myself in this god awful place because I'm the bitch who doesn't smile! Nobody here has my back! My own boss didn't even say anything to him! If you think I'm the type to take-”
Shawn quickly held his hands up, trying to calm my hysterical movements. “Okay, okay! I'm sorry. I know you don't take anyone's bullshit. He deserved to get yelled at. I would have done it myself, but you're my little fighter.” He offered a smile.
If there was any special nickname he had for me that wasn't the typical “honey” or anything involving my all black attire, it was that. “Little fighter.” Hearing it helped diffuse some of my anger.
I finally felt rational enough to take a deep breath, calming me down even more. Shawn offered his hand, but I wasn't ready for that just yet.
He thought otherwise. “Please, just take my hand.”
“I am a fighter,” I said, folding my arms. “I did not go through various amounts of bullshit to let some fuckboy tear me down.”
Shawn just looked at me for a moment, then he agreed. “That's right.” He was still holding his hand out. “And you're very cute when you're angry.”
I rolled my eyes. “You know, I wanted to kick the shit out of my coworker, but since you're here…”
He chuckled. “Okay, okay. What I meant is, I'm just glad you know your worth. And seeing you stand up for yourself is probably the hottest thing I've ever seen you do.”
Now I took his hand. “Shut up.”
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