#and im so glad my mom told me

[tandytoaster]

The lil 14 year old trans boy at my work said I was his favourite

#noop nooping #KIDS R SO FUNNY like u listen to them and then theyre like im gonna follow u around #IM UR MOM NOW. UR FATHER AND I ARE DIVORCED NEITHER OF US HAVE CUSTODY #HES SUCH A NICE KID #im giggling bc he and quinn had a connection when the kid first started but now in like 🤭 teehee my kid now #AND ITS EVEN FUNNIER bc quinn was like 'he reminds me so much of myself when i was his age. hes my son now' #BUT NOW IM THE PARENT. we're divorced. ITS FUNNY #i stole your kid and you stole my bestie. im influencing the queer youth of this conservative town im succeeding #when i first met him he came in on a day he didnt work and one of the reasons he was there was to meet me bc quinn told him about me 🥺 #his parents are supportive so im rlly glad he has that #IM WORRIED ABOUT COMING OFF AS CREEPY TALKING ABOUT THIS but its just a nice feeling being a positive figure in some1's life #at my work its like microdosing helping ppl bc its retail. and the kid is there on saturdays. this is why i went to college jrmqmxjwkdgwh #i think the kind of social work i would enjoy most is peer support. if i ever want to re-enter the field #oh yea i think i saw my old supervisor today 😑 YUCKY

[a-little-bit-poss]

.

#hit me that wow i survived childhood #i dont think ive ever really given myself credit for that #ive always deflected it #i always had to like present like a plan of the future to my mom so i never really carried the thought of like #not surviving #but like i was always very self destructive and cataclysmic and splitting #and i never really recognized that about myself until i really started dealing with debilitating depression in college #college and dropping out and going back #i never really synthesized that time in life as a singular version of myself #cuz i was going thru a lot of changes in those years #i am having a lil bit of a 'who am i' thing right this moment #idk #anti depressants are good #well im funny and im chill i know that much #i have music and shows that i like #i like taking pictures of my cat and making patches #painting and drawing #my brain has always been faster with ideas than words and that why i used to stutter #that and my mom wanted me to be right handed which idk but i was told that had something to do with it #ill take any opportunity to be smug because i think its funny #i angst about how i miss my family but i objectively do better the less i talk to them #im really glad i dont want to hurt myself these days

[irl]

yea

#txt #i gotta bitch rq cos im pissed sorry guys #i hate tht u dont remember none of the shit u did. i hate tht u make jokes about it even. i hate tht it feels like im always the one #to wear the burden of iron wrought weights so tht u can learn how to mellow out and not do the same to my sister #‘you opened up a lot of doors for your sister’ #yea cool im glad u chilled out and didnt also kick my sister out of the house while she was 1200 miles away with nothing but the clothes on #her back. yea cool im glad u didnt threaten disowning when she got a piercing. yea im glad she didnt have to sit thru the ordeal of u when #i first came out to u. im glad she didnt have to have our dead dad used as a damn weapon against her when she told you shes a lesbian #im glad you never sat her down and berated her for being queer for three hours and then sent her to her hole only to send her a long winded #email about how awful she is to you for being queer and how no one will be able to recognize or love her #i still have that email btw #im glad you came to me to ask for help when she was suicidal depressive instead of blaming her and insulting her and making awful #assumptions and insinuations about her #im glad you asked for help for her #but why couldnt you have been a mom to me too #why did i have to teach you all the wrong ways to handle situations so that you could handle them rigjt with her #why did i have to be the one to lockpick all of the doors in order to open them for her #whyd you have to put the locks on there in the first place #why werent you ever a mom to me #why wasnt i allowed to have parents growing up #whyd you have to hurt me since the time before i could make cohesive thought #why werent you a mom for either of us until you realized how heavily you screwed up with me #why did it take you losing me completely for you to start being a mom to my sister? #why did it take you losing me completely for you to finally listen to me instead of talk about why im wrong #im glad to have a mom now #but i couldve used a mom when i was a kid #why do you have to turn it into jokes #and why am i not allowed to be upset

[the-kipsabian]

.

#today was such a long fucking day and i was made so fucking uncomfortable i literally threatened to walk out of a fucking funeral #i got told im dressed inappropriately just because im perceived as a girl and i was wearing pants #PANTS. #theres no such thing as a funeral dress code that prevents me from wearing pants. people just didnt like it #i got told by two extended family members that i was inappropriate. and later also by my mom #who didnt say anything when they picked me up. it was fine by her at that time but later when others said it wasnt fine? yeah #im so fucking tired man #i know the extended half family doesnt like me ive always been a black sheep but this just. yeah #at a funeral no less #i dont want to see these people ever again im so fucking tired. i dont want to see anyone ever again tbh #just let me sleep forever and rot away please im tired #sorry my headache makes me angry and upset just. its all just so much #im just glad this whole hassle is over and i dont have to think about this anymore. but between all the stress and anxiety and grief #and everything else? yeah this. this aint it fam #im so mentally fucking shot i just want to sleep but my body is still kinda in a fight or flight mode with this and the grief its so hard #and my head hurts. so yeah. i dont fucking know #i just need someone to hold me before i combust #again sorry #night is an absolute mess on main

[deathbypufferfish]

I directly blame doctors from my childhood for making me feel so guilty for being "unproductive" when I feel at my worst.

#puffer talks #instead of any effort to diagnose me they just told my mom to force me to go to school #its so hard to listen to doctors telling me to rest and pace myself when i was told the opposite when i was growing up #im glad its different but that damage was done

[caramelmochacrow]

fearing death as a trans person hits different. if you died never coming out, changing your name or just doing whatever makes you feel happy with your body it will never be shown in your funeral and everyone will never know you as who you were inside. something about if you died and you DID come out, you did do everything that made you happy abt your body but the one relative in your family that didn't accept you had to fix up your funeral they misgender you and place the wrong name on your grave anyway. or if the relatives that did accept you fix up your funeral with the correct pronouns and name but those who didnt will still misgender and deadname you even when you die. idk man.

#not tagging w my tag. #some thoughts after i had a daily dinner discussion with my family. haha.... #i know what my parents told me was to comfort me but i knew deep down that they'll never accept me. #something abt how they want me to be comforted with the knowledge that i can go to heaven bc i believe in god but i know when i say im tran #im going to hell bc it's a sin in their eyes. that's how they think. #i can identify as gay or whatever as long as i never act on it. i can be a man for myself but in front of other people i cant. #i heard my mom saying that abt my cousin. my cousin is trans too but they havent said a single thing bc they knew they wouldnt accept that. #theyre already a lesbian so adding being trans to that just makes their situation worse (in my parents eyes anyway) #hell. my mom wants my aunt to move here but also doesnt bc she doesnt want her to be able to marry her girlfriend. (bs if you ask me) #my mom's glad as hell that my aunt loves her dogs a lot bc that means she cant move here. my uncle can tho bc he isnt poor and gay. #im sorry for the sudden negativity wow just. thoughts. #when im gonna graduate from highschool here i can get a jacket that says my name. i hope and pray that i can put “toffee” or even “crow”

[invisibleoctopus]

the conversation is still haunting my brain even though i know that fucking psychiatrist clearly didnt know shit about add/adhd beyond little boys who cant sit still or pay attention in school bc he was apparently under the impression that its always easy to spot and gets diagnosed in grade school

me literally asking him if he knew the difference in presentation in afab vs amab ppl or how afab ppl get diagnosed later or misdiagnosed. telling him about how emotional dysregulation is a symptom (and one of my biggest ones) and how its been like that my entire life and him saying "oh thats just the anxiety and bipolar."

the biggest thing sticking in my head is how my mom mentioned when i started having trouble with high school in my teen years and how i was diagnosed with depression and autism during that time and he was talking about how adhd didnt fit because "it doesnt start when ur fifteen"

well neither does autism but thats when i got THAT diagnosed. almost like the symptoms can go unnoticed for an extended period of time especially if theyre internalized like with me and how i had literally JUST been talking about how adhd is underdiagnosed and late diagnosed for AFAB ppl but he just wants to be part of the reason why afab ppl dont get diagnosed (which i started to tell him but i attempted to restrain myself

#le p2iigh #this in contrast to a therapist i had who was CONVINCED i had adhd and brought it up unprompted #(but that never went anywhere because i guess he expected me to tell the psychiatrist myself to be more assertive) #(but he DIDNT FUCKING TELL ME THAT but like. im autistic. i have to be told that.) #and another therapist who had the more reasonable view of 'its possible but it'd be hard to know which symptom is from what thing' #this fucking guy. so dismissive. not even open to ruling shit out. always thinks he knows exactly why i have the problems i have #im ALMOST glad my mom put me on the spot by STARTING by saying i have adhd which is just. not the approach. #because then she got to see how this guy treats me and no matter what i say im always wrong

[kugisaaki]

im glad to see that my parents don’t adhere to the stigma surrounding mental health and were the ones that told me that its okay to get help on their own BUT i dont think they know that it doesn’t go away just like that…

#esp w my ocd. they told me it’s perfectly fine w them if i wanted to see a doctor but then ive been going for months and they’re like but #why u still have ocd 🤔 and i know that this whole thing is new to them and im their only child and im glad we’re breaking that cycle but #it kinda makes me </3 bc im trying to be better too and it feels like i have to rush the getting better process bc every time i tell them i #have an appointment they’re like but youre still not completely better…???? is the doctor even useful??? #and every time i tell them that i myself feel like im getting better it feels like im gaslighting myself because am i really??? are the meds #really effective ??? like i can see tangible evidence of them being effective but at the same time bc of the constant idea they have that i #should be better already because it’s been months is starting to affect me too. but when i tell them that i think im getting better they’re #like okay well if u say so. it feels like they don’t agree but they’re saying so for my sake and i leave the matter at that and then the #cycle repeats over and over again and it kind of feels </3 because i feel like there’s something wrong w me that im not already 100% better #but i do appreciate them for taking the initiative in helping me so like i feel like i can’t complain about this………. #and when my mom shows literally symptoms of it while my dad passed on the anxiety genes to me… it’s like they both have it but became so #accustomed to it (touch wood n thank god it’s mild enough to easily handle for them) their whole lives that they think my ones is the exact #same…&:$837;)3&2 #mehak.exe

[altruistic-meme]

highlight of tonight: explaining queer shit to my oldest brother and having him ask the question "what are your thoughts on transgenders in sports?" and me going " First Of All," and holding up 1 finger while everyone else at the table went dead silent. "Transgender people. It is an adjective." and him apologizing and proceeding to say it correctly the rest of the night.

sometimes it's exhausting dealing with people who don't know what they are talking about and think youre even worse than they are. but sometimes you get people who just genuinely don't know and are asking questions as best they can. I'm glad my brother was the second one.

#for an idea: he is 10 years older than me #the conversation began branching off of what my sexuality is from somewhere else #i am actually incredibly proud of him and very very glad he was asking me these questions #he actually seemed to be actively listening and trying to understand things he didnt know much about #and he was asking ME. someone who is queer and who he knows and trusts. #and he also knows i dont do shit in halves since i have absolutely schooled his ass on fb and he wouldnt respond to it lmao #he also was the first person ive ever talked to about the transgender people in sports topic who actually PAID ATTENTION #and LISTENED to what i was saying. and believed me when i told him smth about smth i have much more knowledge and experience with #it was a delightful conversation all in all #im glad to have been given the chance to actually explain shit to him even if i had had to start off by forcibly #making my mom and sister shut up cus they were talking over me about explaining my.... my sexuality. #and they were talking over me gnzjdjajmx #anyway they backed off afterwards so i had lead #tho my mom was playing backup for me lmao #she caught him saying things and pulled shit faster than i did sometimes #or tried to help explain things so hed see his own fallacy #a dynamic duo truly #shh ac

[froshele]

today in the wild I came across a phrase to the effect "...And this [pair of ethical axioms about what constitutes quality of life for purposes of discussion about disability and coma prognosis, based on the opinion of one person who has not ever been in a coma or disabled thereafter] suggests that maybe, just maybe, [relevantly comatose or recovering or disabled] people may have quality of life sufficient to make them ethically relevant"

that's ... not, um, normally considered to be what makes people "ethically relevant" in the world where all the people are and there's sunshine and grass and things, but, you know what, ok jennifer, A for effort! :) gold star for you, philosopher extraordinaire, moral lodestar for people unsure what to do with granny, paragon of ethical conduct!

#they had to put me in a coma because i declined really fast after pediatric brain surgery #it was not a long coma by most standards but i had to get so so much physical and other therapy about it #like i was out here relearning to walk and speak it was a really long recovery #people like this are of an opinion that people like me are ~simply suffering too much~ to be ~ethically relevant~ #which i think is a particularly shit form of pseudobenevolent ableism #what degree of pain do i have to experience before the invisible hand of Ethics decides i shouldn't be resuscitated if I fail #how much does my life get to suck before jennifer here decides it isnt worth living and what will that décision mean #objectively of course i was doing all of this in ukraine so the opinion of this ethicist-panelist would not have been worth anything at all #but i was so close to like being euthanized like a little mop dog #not formally exactly but my mom told me once that she thought about smothering me a lot while i was in recovery #and it was entirely because she was terminally theorybrained about suffering and life-quality in the same type of way #and if it were a medical availability i probably would not be here because i was so absurdly difficult and expensive to raise #and its just like man. i am begging you to remember the humanity of the subjects when you put these things in science papers #im having an ok morning globally i just want to blog about this on the internet to get the thing it brought back to me out of my system #i grew up with meaningful and painful disabilities + the fact that my neurology miraculously knit together into something “more workable” i #totally coincidental actually. what if it didnt? if it didnt + i was still in pain from the sun and wobbled like an earsick kitten then??? #that was the thing here like there was a 70/30 chance I would have needed a talking board and power chair #i am glad i do not but i am also very sensitive about this type of covert desire to decide about their right to live for people who do #i dont remember a lot of my childhood but i remember a lot of that pity laced with something i can now identify as revulsion to my pain #and i remember that i didnt understand it and that all i wanted was to be like other kids who were wanted and hoped for and believed in #and i dont know like its an individual thing its a family thing whatever but yesterday i had a weird trauma memory moment #that was about being displaced a little bit #which is an awfully vulnerable thing to put here but i am not asking for your sympathy i am just saying i was tender and a bit insane #and then i stepped on this rake! good morning insane asylum 《sunshine》 #today will be a better day than this #im going to make the tags froshgriping and froshplaks for my bitching and personal sniveling feel free to blacklist them #froshgriping #froshsniveling #froshplaks

[shewantsitall]

It's angst on a new level tbh

#there was a school shooting today #words cannot express how fucked up it is that this is even an issue #or how fucked up it is that when the news broke me and the second grade team were in a data meeting with RTI #and the teacher who was leading the meeting saw the news and told us and then we went on talking about data #bc there's nothing we could say or do despite being just a few hours away #and so we just went on with our meeting #i never dreamed this would be the world I'm teaching in #talked to a friend today who said he was glad his mom only had a year left before retirement #just one more year in what should be a safe place but could turn into a combat zone at any moment #I've thought a lot about my kiddos today #people talk about how teachers without personal children just Don't Get It in a lot of ways #but as dramatic as it sounds i honestly cant imagine loving my personal child any more than i love these kids. not that I wouldnt love them #just...that i really love my kiddos #and I can honestly say that i think i would do anything for them #im going to go cry some more #and then plan for tomorrow as best as i can #and im going to cherish every second tomorrow. even the ones that are not the best. because they're seconds we get. #just my ramblings #cw vent #personal vent #teacher sadie rides the struggle bus #student teacher sadie ✨

[familyofpaladins]

YALL IM SO EXCITED !!!!!!!!!!

COMPLETE 2003 SERIES A N D THE 2009 TURTLES FOREVER MOVIE

#got it as a Christmas present #But I knew I was getting it because I told my mom to get it for me back in September lol #IM SO HAPPY TO HAVE IT ON DVD #THey just made the box set this past summer and I'm so glad they did #MY FAV TMNT SERIES:D !!!!!!!!! #now I just need them to actually release the Rise series on DVD #Tmnt 2003

[non-un-topo]

Why does instagram keep giving me videos about grandparents like does it want me to fall on the floor sobbing today

#they're all gone! none left now #idk what happened this week but i've been trying SO hard not to think about my nana at all #it’s just a constant don't think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it #i did have a really violent nightmare about her the other night. that fucked me up... #maybe it's because i talked to my mom and she mentioned her for a minute. neither of us know how to talk about it. #i literally can't even think about it i'll start crying. #should visit my partner's nonna and nonno... but i will cry. still we need to see nonno because he's very unwell. #i can't fucking believe i found out my nana died and then immediately went to class. #mentioned it to my professor and the whole class gasped and asked if i was okay or if i needed to leave. #but if i didn't go to class then i would have just been home alone... #crying in front of my favourite prof a few days later was... yikes. but it was okay. she felt like a grandma to all of us #she was sincerely sorry. esp because that class was called 'women and aging' #she spend the entire year telling us to ask the older women in our families their stories #and now i have none left. didn’t get to ask. #i don't know why i didn't call when i wanted to #i can't think about it #glad my mom told me that she feels totally disconnected to family too. bc lately ive felt very alone. #like my nana getting sick and dying brought them together but only for a short while. #feels like we have no extended family and it's fucking me up a lot. im just glad im not the only one

[borvooven]

Anybody wanna come over for Halloween? My friends are already pissing me off and they're not even here yet

#one of them was supposed to bring drinks. all he was gonna bring was four bottles of coke zero even though i told him to also bring lemonade #now my mom has to bring that stuff herself #my other friends were in charge of making potato soup and four hiurs before we want to meet they tell me to prepare more food #where the fuck am i supposed to get food from now #and he doesn't even text me back now #i asked him what the fuck he mean by that and he just doesn't say anything anymore #jesus fuck #im so pissed already im just glad when its over #still praying that something happens that makes them stay home #vent

[fagoutboy]

sorry. still thinking

#its just been on my mind a lot more especially since talking about it with my mom in california she told me a lot i didnt know about #bc i was like 13 when it all initially happened i barely knew/was told what was going on. we just all saw him nearly dead on his floor #and then suddenly there was an ambulance and he was gone #and then he went to one of the city hospitals hours away and my mom was gone most of the time for months to be with him #and i knew he nearly died and was told later it was bc he got hiv but like that was basically it? and i knew it was from drug usage #but she told me basically everything this time. and it was just a lot #apparently i have a group of students from a texan medical college to thank for him being alive. bc they did an experimental thing on him #after his original doctor had given up hope and told my mom he was just going to die #we're not sure exactly what they did i guess it was some kind of medicine of course but like. anyway whatever it was it worked #and the thing i remember most. was my mom saying 'at least that makes it so he can help as many people as he's hurt.' #bc my brother just...has a complicated past and the things leading up to his near-death were especially #and apparently the test is gonna be in some medical journal probably. im guessing its what helped them confirm their experiment works #anyways. im just glad hes alive. but its a lot to think about

[lilgynt]

#personal #my mom told me yesterday my brothers paying to have my door replaced today or tomorrow bc he misses me and thinks is affecting our #relationship badly #and she wasn’t supposed to tell me but i’m glad she did cause like #she tried saying she’s getting it replaced immediately grilled her on where the fuck she got that money since i know we have more important #issues and she IMMEDIATELY snitched #anyway i feel complicated. thank you for the door. that you already said you would do. what was the point of all of this #and i’m re reading the messsges maybe i was too mean but also 8 months no door and everyone being mean to me about it #he told my mom he misses me and she said how sweet it was to hear that and i should consider just. letting this go #and she doesn’t want to minimize the door or what it represents beyond just the door #but didn’t really get it when i was like it matters if he’s doing this bc he misses me or bc he thinks he did anything wrong #like he can do both but. i just want to know he’s not thinking i’m some brat for asking for something? normal? or that this won’t happen #again cause this always happens. #she was like isn’t it more romantic that he misses you so much he doesn’t care if he’s right or wrong? girl what the fuck are you on #anyway i feel weird bc like. it’s nice but i didn’t need him to shell this out #and i feel oddly like a brat to get this expressed done from when i said im upset with him #like 20 days later but feels fast. and i wish he could have reached out and talked to me #but also i’ve been so angry and resentful i don’t know if i’d want to talk especially if it’s just the same convo over and over #i don’t need grand gestures i just wish this stuff wouldn’t happen in the first place #and i’m worried that after the door my mom will get upset if i’m still upset with my brother after #and i’m not sure how he thinks we’re gonna get back to talking if i can’t acknowledge he got the door. #like can’t be like hey thanks! also we need to talk about how you use money instead of ur words. #like in this case i genuinely really needed the door but also it’s just hard to be like hey you did this thing that was unacceptable #also thanks for the full tank of gas dinner and 100 bucks. unprompted. anyway it’s unacceptable- #like it sounds stupid right? anyway i don’t know if he’ll tell me or just try to slide back into talking without ever talking about it #i don’t know and i feel like an asshole no matter what route i go #but will say funny i hid that he broke it from him and he’s hiding that he’s fixing it for me something something #i just feel weird about it. i miss him but also don’t miss getting shit from him or the other one lately i’m just #honestly doing my own thing and just getting through the day or enjoying it too much to think about him sometimes #but i do miss him and i don’t want to be constantly fighting or arguing with my family. it’s not a nice feeling.