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surrealsunday · 1 year

Note

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Oh Jaime, you have no idea how much your message meant to me 🥹💞 I think about you and your fics an unhealthy -let's admit it by now lol-amount of time so it truly warms my heart to know sometime little old silly me pops in your mind too 🥺💞

Things are not getting much better if I have to be honest, and I’m constantly feeling like I don’t have enough hours or energy in a day to do all the things I have to do and the shit I need to figure out as soon as possible but *wears a clown mask* somehow I still managed to squeeze some time to reread Hollow Edge 🙈🙊

(paying for a therapist: expensive

reading about all the ways those two idiots had overcome their personal issues and filled each other voids and built a family together: free -you just pay with crying sessions, but i say: a win is win 🤭-)

I don't even remember why or what led me there, probably saw some content on SM that reminded me the vibe or most likely a specific scene or line popped in my brain -it'd be like that- and I just HAD to read it again which of course led to read all the rest of the fic; it’s been super nice cause unlike your other fics, I’ve never got the occasion to read HE again nor recently although one cannot ever forget some of its iconic scene ("Princelinnn, bring me ice cream"), lines ("it's you. it's different.") and how they made you feel.. oh if I could bottle the first time I read "the first time Lucas sees the idiot”.. ‘cause a thing about me is that when I first approached the world of Elu fics, I was careful to dodge any AUs (I know, I KNOW: my loss. you don’t have to tell me 😭) but when I eventually started to run out of fics and I was still on the peak of my fixation, I traced my steps back, took a leap of faith and jumped on the most popular Elu au. which was Tempo. which of course turned out to be the best thing ever happened to me. totally rocked my world overnight, set the bar higher, ruined me for anyone else and altered the chemistry of my brain forever. Reading Tempo was the equivalent of opening a lockbox full of precious gems, the dizzying thrill of being Columbus discovering America in the duality that it felt something new and fresh and never-seen-before, and yet it’s always been there all along, in a corner of the world, long before my eyes set on it. I’m just so fond of it, just think about it feels like a cozy blanket and it makes me quietly hum in content, feeling the same as when you’re getting ready to see your best friend: you know you’re gonna have fun, a marvelous time. I don’t know, I guess.. it’s just such a comfort fic for me, you know? 🌈*aggressively suppress the memory of Lucas curled in the shower, quietly crying, after he had to end things with Eliott. Don’t even get me started on when Eliott allowed himself to grab Lucas before he stepped out of the coffee shop to hold him tightly to his chest with shaky sighs because he thought that was the very last time he could have do it.. that was one of the moments while reading Tempo where I just knew this fic was on a whole other level, I can’t even put it fully into words* 🌈. Just the other day Instagram reminded me through the archive stories that this time last year I was reading it for the first time; I can frame the timing precisely because it was the week of my first trip abroad after covid, and- oh gosh, I remember I purposefully left the ao3 tab with the chapter open on my phone so I could read it during the flight if I wanted to (I hereby state I don’t have the habit to read anything when traveling -it makes me feel sick-, I usually just listen to music or try to sleep a bit, so that alone should tell how far gone I was for ‘Tempo’ already), which I did. or at least, tried to. uhm, the thing is.. it was set on the morning after the press party, when Eliott was so tired he ended up sleeping in Lucas’s bed and- well, I guess we all know what happened the morning after 🤭 funny thing is: I swear until that very moment I wasn’t aware of the rating, I didn’t even notice it when I first dive in the fic and so far the interaction between Elu has been pretty innocent (just like me, one could say AHAHAH. no but truly: I do hope to not make it weird when I say everything I know about queer sex now I owe it to you; for example I’ve read other quite explicit queer fics in another fandom right before Elu and there was certain passages I didn’t quite get back then, so yeah, you and your works are doing a great job in raising an educated chunk of readers lol. I remember a particularly late brunch with my best friend last spring with her asking life advice and me replying “you really shouldn’t look up at me, apparently all I do in life lately is having breakdowns and read erotic explicit queer fics. *sips*. which is now an area where I hold very specific knowledge.”

and she laughed so hard she almost rolled down the chair but I was dead ass serious 💀💀), so really, you have to picture my reaction when I naively unlocked the screen with a satisfied hum in a public space, expecting to read some harmless cute PG13 banter whereas the chapter literally started with a bang. right there and then. Squeezed between two passengers so close to me, they could’ve easily read any word on my screen. On broad daylight. In economic class. Oh sweet jesus. It literally felt like when you’re enjoying a movie whose been pretty chill so far and then one of your parents step in the room and of fucking course suddenly there’s a random sex scene playing on the screen ‘cause that’s my life and god doesn’t exist 🤣 lol I was so worried the passenger sat next to me would look at my screen and read something compromising, in the end I just skipped that scene and tucked it for later 👀🤭 now I definitely know better than open ao3 in public, and I definitely know what to expect from you especially 😂 in fact, as the spoiled spoiled brat I am, towards the ending of 10Things I was like “guys, this is really cute and fun and everything I could ever ask for but where’s my spicy cajun chicken? It should’ve been served by now”: i am what you made me, and now you have to deal with it, Mary Shelley 😭

(And then you served chapter 10, which is one of the best thing i’ve ever read and i do truly shouldn’t be surprise by now but you always know how to amaze me. oh yes. my peri peri chicken. chef’s kiss.)

My friendddddd - I love your asks so much. The way they make me laugh too lmao. You are truly the best. I'm sorry I didn't get to responding before I left on holiday but I wanted to have the time to do so properly! So here we go!

Gonna put your other asks under the cut so everything is in sequence and I can properly reply!

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Anyway, as I was saying, I had a marvelous time that week, but no matter how busy and physically exhausting were the days and the evenings: the nights belonged to ‘Tempo’, and no one could take it away from me. No matter how late was, I’d crawl in bed and read till my eyes gave up. To me, there aren’t a lot of things in life as exquisite as finding the perfect fic, and the thrill of having it there in your hands ready to be read whenever you want to, like a treat tailored for your specific taste. Nothing beats that. To be in your favorite city and do all the things you love the most like go to concerts and see friends and have good food and have a great time, and still a part of you it’s so excited when it’s time to call it a day so you can go back to bed and get comfy, shut the world outside and continue to read that fic that makes you giggle and rip your heart out in the same heartbeat. That was Tempo for me, the perfect fic on top of the perfect week. So imagine my surprise when you said that you had receive some criticism on your works; i’m gonna respond to the tumblr posts as soon as possible, but that part really struck me, mostly because every single time I’ve ever seen someone referring to you in my twt or tumblr timeline is just to say nice things about your works (AS THEY SHOULD 💅🏻👑) so I do truly thought that -I’m speaking factually- we as society collectively acknowledged long time ago that you’re without a doubt the best thing ever happened to skamfr right after the casting of maxel and we all should be eternally grateful for your service to the fandom. I do truly cannot conceive how someone can possibly have anything remotely bad to say about your fics when they’re the most perfect piece of literature a fandom can ever ask 😭 (i’m so serious right now! like, I’m not watching KinnPorsche and yet I envy that fandom for having YOU to write stuff for them like, those guys have truly hit jackpot with you and I hope they know it 😭🎰).

Anyway, as I was saying before all this Tempo digression, is that whenever ‘Hollow Edge’ popped on the top list of ao3, I somehow got the idea it was set during the Dark Age (I’m not much for historical pièce); but of course after ‘Tempo’ I was willing to read anything written by you, even grocery lists, so that led me straight to Hollow Edge. And bam, that opening line: “the first time Lucas sees the idiot [..]” and I knew it. That was it. All it takes was that line and I was immediately sold, I knew I was in for a good ride *insert that meme of the chubby black guy in a yellow suit rubbing his hands with a naughty face behind a tree. that was me. totally me.*

And what a ride. I have to say it, after 10Things it's been quite a shock to get a reminder of how long your chapters used to be, you really poured sweat tears and blood in your works 😭🙇🏻‍♀️💞 Especially considering that Hollow Edge is so pregnant of sociopolitical matters, you must have been doing a lot of research! And I don't think I've ever mention it before but chapeau for Eliott's drawings: | remember the first time I saw them I was like "wow, where did she find those drawings? they fit so well in the narrative!" and then you said they were yours and it was so mind blowing, truly, is there anything you can't do?? 😭🧎🏻‍♀️✨

And by the way, you’re so sweet but I’m absolutely nowhere near being flawless speaking English 😭 it used to be better when I was in high school, now I feel like my brain is leaking and I need to double check every basic word or tense in a structure, and although writing is one of the things I love the most and it brings me pure joy and a sense of fulfillment (chatting and over analyze with no control nor time limits about that specific piece of media my brain is over obsessing about? yup, sounds like me), it also drains me, especially when I’ve just finished to type out a long ass comment or paragraph that took me hours to write down and then it just deletes itself in unexplainable feather touch and I stare at the now blank screen like 👁️👄👁️. one thing about me: I cannot be trusted with technology (technology being: a simple touch screen phone), especially late at night.

I guess there’s always room to improve, and reading your fics helped me a lot, I’ve learned a lot of new ways of speaking and expressions thanks to you ❤️.

Anyway, thanks for all your kindness, I hope life is treating you nicely 💞✨.

So, it's been a while since you send this (I dunno exactly... I live in a time warp and have no sense of time), and I'm hoping things have gotten easier in your life. But I wholeheartedly support reading fic to cope lol. I write fic for the same reason 😂.

And a re-read of Hollow Edge? I love! I was thinking about that one recently because someone else is reading it for the first time and it brings me right back to the story when someone comments on it.

When I first started reading fic I totally didn't understand au's, so I completely get why you wouldn't read them intially. But omg I am so glad you did and found my fics! Truly once you go au, you don't go back (for me anyways... obviously lol). But PLEASE the way you describe reading Tempo for the first time... I'm crying 😭😭😭. It means so much, truly. And as an aside, YOU ARE SO POETIC ABOUT IT I SQUEALED. One of my absolute favourite things is hearing which moments stuck out for readers and I am eating up hearing about those moments in Tempo for you. I have such an emotional connection to that fic, as well, it is unbelievably satisfying to know the moments that meant so much to me when I wrote them, had an impact on you as well.

The way I just DIED imagining you traveling, innocently having THAT chapter of Tempo open and not realizing the rating of the fic was explicit adlfkjalsdkfj. That is so amazing I am laughing and truly love it so much. But I am very glad that the sex scenes work even when unfamiliar with the intricacies or logistics of queer sex. Tbh writing sex scenes will literally always be one of the most challenging things for me because those logistics are important to me. I want it to make sense. There is nothing more frustrating to me than reading a sexy scene and being like, 'Wait... where is his arm? What is happening with that leg?!!!' 😂😂. So those details are important to me, but I would also be bored to tears just writing the sexy bits, if there weren't some emotional gravity to bulk those scenes up. So yeah, they are a labour of love in every way.

You said that to your friend aldjflaksdjf. You are the best omg. That sounds like something I would say to a friend lmao. "i am what you made me, and now you have to deal with it, Mary Shelley" STOP ALSKFJSDLKFJ 😂😂😂😂😂💀💀💀💀. Ok but you knowing I will likely not give a reader cheese without spicing it up with either smut or snark or both is just *chefs kiss* all I could ask for.

(Btw - the gifs you add make me laugh so hard.)

I know just how you feel when you describe curling up with a fic you love. It still feels surreal to me that people are talking about something I wrote when they describe feeling that way. I will never get over how incredible that is to me and the way it makes me feel every time 🥹🥹🥹❤️❤️❤️.

"so I do truly thought that -I’m speaking factually- we as society collectively acknowledged long time ago that you’re without a doubt the best thing ever happened to skamfr right after the casting of maxel and we all should be eternally grateful for your service to the fandom." alsdkf;jalksdfjasdklfjd PLEASE that is so sweet I am both laughing and blushing. When it comes to any mean messages or hate I've recieved (so, not including fair and constructive criticism people may have given me over the years) I never posted the asks. So yes, I think there was definitely an impression I recieved nothing but love, which ironically also made some people angry lolol. I can definitely be sensitive, but thankfully when it comes to stuff like this, I do have my head in the right place. This is fun for me and an outlet and I have literally the most wonderful people who have read my fics (you're included in that!) so I just can't be bothered with anyone being rude or mean without reason. It is what it is but it ain't gonna bring me down!

Ok I actually kinda forgot about the first line of Hollow Edge LOL. The funny thing is that in literally all of my fics, the first line has been immediate. I've never had to think about it which always feels right. And yeah, I won't lie, writing definitely is where I pour a lot of myself. It depletes me entirely, but not in a bad way. I absolutely love doing it and I love what I get out of it. And then on top of already finding so much joy in writing, it brought really lovely, incredible people to me. I'm eternally thankful for that. But the fics that required more work bts (Hollow Edge and Mood Tattoo)... yeah... they were beasts. I cursed my brain for deciding to glom onto topics that required more research endlessly lol.

Omg yes the art in Hollow Edge! Thank you!!!! That was so much fun to create and I honestly can't even remember when or how I suddenly decided I would do it. But I loveddddd including visual art as part of the process.

I forget EVERY TIME that english isn't your first language until you mention it again. HOW?! You are seriously so impressive and freaking POETIC in english, I am amazed. And for the record, you would not believe the amount of time I spend crafting particular sentances because my brain will not provide the words I want... like I'll know they exist in english but they just won't come to me lol. It happens allllll the time. And then - we are very similar this way - I obsess over every sentance when they're written so yeah, I definitely understand what you mean when you say it drains you.

P.S. I have written the longest replies to asks before (like... essays!) and accidentally hit something on my keyboard and closed the browser and when I tell you I nearly cry every time. You should see me replying right now, being so careful about where the mouse is and how I'm typing 😂😂

Anyways, as always you are an absolute delight and I love you endlessly for taking the time to send these thoughts. I can't express the level of joy they give me. I apologize again for taking so long to reply. I'm trying to get back into routine in my life right now so hopefully I won't be so MIA.

Sending you all the love and hugs! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

#tempo fic #hollow edge fic #sweetest people

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 2 years

Text

Life update: Road trip, R's partner, and other junk

Hi again

I know I was just on here the other day but it feels kinda odd to not post everytime I'm taking pills like I was before. Though I won't lie it's been a lot easier. I try to not think as hard on what upset me enough to take em and it's been pretty nice. Ish

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This'll be another long one so apologies in advance. Lot of stuff went on theee last few days

I've split the three major points I was talking in color coded sections.

-Green is rambling about a recent trip I went on

-Purple is thoughts on R's recent breakup with her partner of a little over a year

-Red is health shit I've had going on

(Road trip/Indiana trip as a whole)

Anyway. Last few days been slightly hectic. During that trip in Christmas my mom told me about this trip she'd be going on in July to Indiana and asked if I wanted to tag along. I ofc said yeah cause ill take damn near any excuse to get out this funky ass house annnd that was that. She didn't give details fr and up until like a week ago I didn't even know when we were going.

Thooo due to the funerals a few weeks back and her not really having plans plans for my arrival anyway, i was finna get left at the lodge second as she didn't know anyone that was coming to Indiana and my dad was gonna get a rental to drive me down which my mom didn't wanna put on him. So about 3 days before, she just was like oh you aint going lol. I played it off when I was otp with her but soon as she hung up I took R off hold and tried to do the same, only to break down in tears like 5 mins later

I feel bad to keep putting her through that so I calmed down enough to hold it in and parted ways with her bout 30 mins later. Me and my mom's relationship is kind of complicated and I thought this trip could possibly be an opportunity to uncomplicate things you know? So I felt so stuck when just like that, I was to be left after months of thinking id be there

Well in my hiding of my hurt I kinda hid my disappointment which I didn't want her to take as me not caring. So I texted her high high around 3am expressing my salt about not being able to go. Which somehow someway got me a ride to Indiana. I didn't know these people and it was a 4 hour drive (with all the extra they were doing ahit wnd up being like 6 😭) so I was kinda scared. But honestly? They were really cool.

I was slightly gone that entire car ride as I took some shit to mellow out some but I think I woulda been okay regardless. I was tryna avoid talking and I was playing sudoku and listening to music for a good 2-3ish hours. Thennn they started tryna involve me in convos and listening to their music which led them to ask if i smoked.. and I shoulda said no as I barely have experience with weed outside them bootleg delta 8 pens but I said yeah annnd we all smoked. I barely did as I knew I would be entirely too gone and I didn't want my mom to br able to tell. She seems disappointed that I smoked with my aunt that one time so I couldnt imagine how she's see me smoking with complete strangers (to me anyway. They're longtime friends to her)

See okay I know that sounds bad but the weed wasn't why I thought they were cool. They were just real persistent to involve me, even when I was pretty distant off rip. It woulda been so easy for them to just let me sit there silently but they made sure I spoke some and by the end even with me barely knowing them I got to laugh and talk shit with em. It was nice :)

Now with me being there pretty late, I just went to the room under the impression I'd just be crashing. But my mom dipped for some part of the event she came there for and left me with my 7 y/o sister and I think her... cousin? Idfk. Long story short, soon as I got there I was babysitting these kids. I didn't think nothing of it as I am pretty lenient on that sort of shit. Aka, I'm only there to make sure they aren't seriously hurt and not do anything that'll get them in big big trouble. Younger kids yeah, I know I gotta be more hands on as they wouldn't know how to feed themselves, clean up, use the bathroom ya know shit like that. But past that age, I see no real reason to breathe down their necks.

Tho... these kids bruh. I damn near cried out of frustration. They were so loud which I woulda ignored honestly but my mom was telling me how strict this hotel was about noise complaints when large groups/events booked a specific hotel. Like they whole ass had to sign an agreement to not be loud or they'd more than likely just get kicked out. Course, the form said they'd just plain kick em out but I'm sure they wouldn't be that that harsh. Nonetheless, minimal wiggle room as far as noise. So I let them play and shit but I had to quiet them down again and again cause they'd either ignore me or quiet down for two seconds and go back to it

It was a good 3-4 hours of me tryna keep them quiet til my mom came back which made them go to sleep soon after. Then she came back and went to sleep and I just.. broke down. I couldn't stop crying. I was so done and I just wanted to be alone by that point. My mom's a light light sleeper so I accidentally sobbed to hard and woke her up a fee diff times with her luckily being half sleep and not realizing what was happening. It was kinda bad tbr I wss first crying about watched the kids but then I was just spiraling and spiraling until I eventually cried myself to sleep around 5amish. Tho at 6 my mom quite literally shook me awake. To plug in her phone.

The rest of the trip was more of the same honestly. Watching the kids, reprimanding them for one thing or another, crying about it, calming down late into the night and passing out for a bit before being woken up for one thing or another. I wish I didn't even go honestly. I left the hotel twice the entire 3 days I was there. Once to take a walk as im not allowed to when I'm home and I wanted to calm down without taking pills, only to have the kids flung on me anyway lmao. The other was to get breakfast as the kids wouldn't wake up for the free hotel breakfast so we had to go somewhere to get em food. So we went to the McDonald's drive thru. Sooo honestly neither time I really left the hotel.

I thought maybe the last day would be cool as the event and everything was over and the cousin went back with her parents. I woke up late ish as I took dph the night before and I didn't feel like getting up. Thought nothing of it. Only for my mom to inform me that the person she thought would be taking me early Monday morning never came so I would not only be leaving today, I had about an hour to pack up and leave. Which included showering, getting my sister ready and fed, and getting ready cause the people driving me were gonna make a stop that required me to get out the car as well.

I couldn't even hide my anger lmao. That was about 3 days ago now and I am just now answering her calls again. I felt so used and stupid

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Next big thing that's happened is my bsf's relationship officially being over

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(R's breakup)

As I've mentioned before, R and her girlfriend have been on a break for a few weeks. I was under the impression they weren't speaking at all during this all and for the most part, they weren't. She was online playing games making it clear she was purposely ignoring R when she was tryna fix shit a few different times so I thought that was the sign right there. But my bsf recently opened up more on that shit and started talking about how she's changed into someone else lately, being super distant and the few times she'll talk to her she's being mean and yelling about one thing or another

Ah.. there was this one night about a week ago where she was really going through it, coming to terms with everything. She was just saying hoe while she said she'd be there for anything she wasn't her *insert partner name* uh prolly should've made a fake one long before but whatever. Anyway she was crying about it cause ehe felt like her partner changed so much and while she was still in love and still planned on doing everything she said she would, she wouldn't fight for her to do the same for her. It broke my heart just hearing it all. All the nights I've had to console a crying, stoic and at times intoxicated R she still would do it again if it meant going back to how they were. It genuinely made me hate her partner. I hated having to watch her suffer for someone that clearly wouldn't do the same for her

But it all came to a head yesterday. Me and R don't talk like we did before as she's usually busy during the day and I'm off doing my own shit as well. We mostly text lateish at night as the absolute latest she's ever working is 11 and I usually don't sleep til around 2ish so I'm usually free around then as well. But yesterday, we were talking around afternoonish. Initially it was just us checking in with each other but then we started talking shit and sending memes and junk. It went on for a good 30 mins of damn near instant replies as we were both focused on it until after a while R just stopped replying. I wasn't thinking nothing of it I sent a sc from this sudoku tournament I was in and I said something about some song a little while later. Kinda tryna get her attention again without making it seem dire or urgent.

She responded about the song shit like an hour or two later and I aint think nothing of it. The after she said that she dropped the bombshell. Her partner broke up with her. I tried my best to not treat her differently out of pity even though I was sad for her cause I know hearing that shit can make it sting 10x worse. I took it all in and cracked a joke here and there where I could but she dipped shortly after she explained everything

What boggled my mind was that I was just checking R's accs out of curiosity wondering of they had officially broken up and at the time her partner already unfriended her on a few platforms but R still kept traces of her nearly everywhere. Then less than 24 hours later, they're done. Shit was weird. The only real mention of her now is her disc as she left her name as the nickname her partner gave her but tbh I think R likes bunnies anyway so that could be unrelated

We have spoken once today as I accidentally called her when I was half sleep tryna call my mom. I usually don't call anyone but her so I called her out of habit before being like oh wait and hanging up. She had her phone off so it didn't really matter but she texted back just telling me not to apologize and that she understood and stuff. Then she's went back to being silent.

Her disc isn't offline for the first time in forever but it's in do not disturb so it ain't much better. Specially since she ain't signed in on her phone so she's really just ignoring anyone reacting out on there. Though she also could be on vc with her partner and not wanting to be interrupted too so not 100%

In addition to that she unfriended nearly everyone on her insta which is honestly expected. The only one she didn't unfriend is an unactive acc of an old friend. That's a long story but essentially, everyone including me and her partner

I'm not too worried for now. I know it'll be a few days of mostly silence and her ignoring everyone but she did text earlier today and I know she's online at the very least so I'm okay. I'm gonna try to aim for at least getting one response a day from her just to make sure she's alive and shit but aside from that I know she wants space for now and I'll give it to her for now.

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And finally there's smaller news about me

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(My health and stuff)

I've kinda tapered off again. Ish. The trip prevented me from taking all that much for a few days and me coming down from that 1.5 and the 850 made me not too fussy on that. I go a lot longer without dph and I haven't been taking much anymore. I only brought a little less than a gram for the trip so I had to ration it out pretty carefully so I'd have enough to keep me from withdrawing while not taking enough to make me too visibly high. I think I took 250 the trip on there, 450 the second night when I was watching my sister, then 200-300ish the trip back cause I started getting too angry and was crying. Luckily for me the blaring country music the people I was riding with this time covered the noises from that and they were not as keen to get me involved with their conversations but nonetheless I knew I would only get away with it for so long before they started asking questions so I popped the rest of my pills and went to sleep.

Now that I've been back I took 350 the first night I was back and took another 300 yesterday night. I didn't really want to take the 300 but I've noticed there's some days where my heart will feel tight and'll hurt when it's been a while without. Sometimes it's not too bad and ill just ignore and sometimes it's really noticeable and painful to the point I don't care if I want it or not I'll take some just to stop feeling it. I was originally only taking 200 but it still hurt so I just took 50 more every like 30ish mins til it stop hurting

I've been crying a bit less nowadays as well. Which is kinda weird as now I just have the temptation to alot more.. mind is weird ig 🥴

Had a few other issues of varying seriousness

At some point the day before I went on the trip I cut my hand pretty bad tho I forgot about it... then rubbed multiple more than likely not clean dogs with the same hand. Ah snd this ofc was not before I accidentally spilt a baking soda lemon juice in the cut earlier that day. Smh. The cut was so sore and actually the day I got back it hurt to handle anything that required anymore than gentle ass gripping. I was scared to tell anyone in fear of them trying to take me to urgent care over it as I know we can't really afford that shit rn so I toughed it out. It's not too noticeable now so it's probably nothing but those first few days were scary.

It kinda hurts to hold in my pee at times as I hold it for so long I'll forget I'm holding til it hurts to walk. Ive been tryna be better about that as R scolds me all the time and stresses how bad it is for me but I occasionally forget and do it anyway and it ain't fun to say the least. Plus it kinda spooks me to see at times ngl. That period where I was yellow yellow my piss was chronically dark but now it is dark at times but I do more as far as hydration so it ain't nearly as bad. Still like uts weird going from being slightly dehydrated before to now being so dehydrated I'd probably have an iv slapped on me if I went to a doctor. I've also had to be a log better about exfoliation as my dry ass skin will clog my skin in a heartbeat if I dont

Aside from that it's been more of the same. I mostly eat once a day with it usually being cereal or malt o meal as they're quick and easy and comforting for whatever reason. My stomach hurts at times but not much of the burny feeling I used to have a lot. I've been pretty isolated from my family nowadays, even the sister I was covering for a little while ago. I'll talk to them if they happen to be around while I go up there but for the most part I stay quiet in my room and try to avoid going upstairs when I can hear one of them around. I try to talk as minimally as possible with the only real exception to that being with R and wuth me being pretty quiet otp with her as well, she's only partially excluded at that

I remember I used to speak so little that it'd make my throat sore to speak for anymore than a few minutes. It's kinda on and off issue of mine and its kinda exacerbated with any sort of projection/yelling so I did have slight issue with that as well. It's mostly gone away now as I've gone back to no more than like 15 mins of using my voice in a day so that's alr

Uhhh but on that note I think I'm about done. I took another 250 in the middle of writing this as my heart felt eeird again and I wanted to stop that before that got annoying and my tolerance has made that nearly nonexistent feeling. More than likely finna make some malt o meal and take some more. And play the sims.. or download more stuff. I've been hyperfixated on that for the past few weeks smh. Possibly'll post a few on here but more than likely not. For one feels a little inappropriate for the blog and two I dunno if anyone really cares to see that 💀💀💀

Ya know like.. course they're my sims so I don't really need to post them for me. But I dunno. Strong maybe

#update #vent #excessively long

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slothnh · 2 years

Text

The Moon to His Stars

Synopsis: I have never written a multi part story before, especially without much dialogue. So I decided to challenge myself, to get myself out of the comfort zone! Reader is kinda anxious, down bad, literally Bruce Wayne without the Batman persona and without being rich. So basically just emo 😭. I used second person and no pronouns or anything for the Reader. But yeah hopefully I'll continue this?

The diner didn't always feel as lifeless as it did during the night shift. You took night shifts because you thought of it as your duty to, all of your coworkers being everything but the introverted, scared, night owl you were. It could get boring during the late hours, but that means not having to deal with anyone weird or creepy. Besides, there is someone who comes around the late evening, someone who usually isn't easy to befriend, yet opened up with ease.

Perhaps it was the fact you two were the sides of the same coin, with similar backgrounds, similar demeanor. Or how nervous you were at first, taking his order. Because he definitely could understand your social awkwardness and anxiety. Truly, he felt understood every time a conversation was struck up.

You felt like a fish stuck on a hook, and he was dragging you in, closer and closer to himself.

Mainly, it was just him talking, you listening and nodding on, trying to show that you were listening intently, hanging, latching onto his every word. You looked at him so intently, like he hung the moon and the stars upon the sky, sure, you couldn't see much of them because of the city. But you're also oh so sure, he could take them all down and put them back on again.

He liked it, you, to say the least. He never had someone to listen to him, to tell him the things he feels or says are normal or make complete perfect sense. He felt like he belonged there with you, on those late, rainy nights. The radio always playing, even during your conversations, some older songs which you remembered to play during your shift. He commented how he liked more classical, older music before, and then the next day, ever since in actuality, your shift never had any new modern songs playing.

He always ordered the same, somehow never getting bored of the same combo, 3 times a week. You always looked forward to seeing him, hoping maybe he'd start visiting every day, though, in today's economy that isn't the wisest, you knew that. Every time he did come and sit over at the counter, you'd live and cherish every moment, every word he'd say. You'd replay them like an old song you liked back in middle school, to hear the nostalgia and to remind yourself how life was back then. Of course, it wasn't the best, but nostalgia loves to paint pretty pictures and mask the bad, horrid memories.

The moments with Edward felt so real and true, you'd believe everything and everyone else was fake if he told you so. The same way you latched onto all of the words he formed into sentences. It made you feel selfish at times, to allow such a great man into your life, yet feeling like you never gave enough back.

He came into the diner 3 days a week, ordering and always tipping. You felt the whole world should hear out his wonderful mind, his ideas, and the way his mind worked was such a wonder. You wanted to take him apart, again and again, just to see how his brain works. He always left you thinking, wondering, on and on about what was going on inside of him.

All you could muster up and think about was him while waiting for the hour he will show up. His days of coming and going might be consistent, but his hours never were. Sometimes he'd show at 9 pm, but other times at 2 am. No other patrons were in the diner. It could get lonesome at times, as it always did at the dead of the night. Nothing happened in your life that had been worth noting, so your brain always came back to yearning. It became such an automatic response, sometimes it even happened without thinking.

It had been months since he started coming in during your shift, yet he never made a move. Never asked for your number or your social media. But you can't pin it all on him, you didn't make a move either. And suddenly, something just clicked.

What if he doesn't see you in that way, in that light? What if all he wanted in actuality, was a friend. He didn't have many of those in his life, from what he told you. Perhaps, he was just humoring you or pitied you for being such a lonesome creature.

What if you were just being selfish? Wanting someone so much, yet him not wanting you back?

What if, what if, what if...

The door opened, the little bell ringing along with it, just a second behind. Lifting your head off of the counter and moving your hands away that were above it, fighting a war against your scalp as you got lost in your thoughts. Your eyes locked with the last person you wanted to see. Yes, you missed him, but how can you look him in the eyes after everything that went through your head mere seconds before?

He smiled lightly, oh shit you haven't spoken a word to him. Quickly smiling, you waved at him.

"Hi.." you tried not to make it awkward, there was no reason for it to be. Sighing, this is going to be a long shift.

EDIT: I opened asks! So if you want a part 2, or have a request or anything, please ask away!!

#the riddler #the riddler x reader #the riddler x y/n #edward nashton #edward nashton x reader #edward nashton x y/n #the riddler x you #edward nashton x you #paul dano #Please forgive me #Hope he never finds out about Tumblr <3

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