#and if i end up needing a wheelchair (very likely) i won't be able to get anywhere

[genderqueerdykes]

as someone who has been scarred for life by experiences at gay bars, i need people to understand it's beyond tacky to mock people who want queer spaces beyond queer bars- it's dangerous.

let me explain. i went to 2 of my local queer bars a lot last year, as much as i was able to despite being poor. i witnessed a fist fight that was so bloody that ended up with a transmisogynistic drag queen getting hit in the head with a metal baton. the sight caused me to uncontrollably throw up in the bathroom of the club because of how gruesome it was. they had to close down the club and forard people out the back door because of how out of hand this person got- he was screaming transmisogynstic slurs and phrases at the bouncers were were transfem.

i was also sexually assaulted at these places, i was repeatedly groped by several people who i was not interacting with in the first place who found me attractive and decided physically grabbing me on numerous occasions was the way to get my attention. being femme in a queer bar is dangerous even if the people groping you are gay men.

i am also a recovering addict who dealt with alcohol issues in the past and could be considered a recovering alcoholic. i don't want to be around alcohol. i don't want to smell it. it triggers awful memories and also sometimes makes me consider getting a drink, but i can't have one, because the medications i take will cause a fatal reaction- i don't want to be tempted to drink, because it will kill me.

it's not right to mock someone or call them childish or whatever for not wanting to go to a club. whenever alcohol is involved, people's inhibitions are gone and they will do whatever. this includes fighting. i witnessed several other fights. just because it's a queer bar doesn't mean there won't be fights. and it especialyl doesn't m ean that you won't get groped or assaulted because, like i said, since alcohol is involved and it's a bar, there's a high chance this can and will happen.

queer people are not inherently safe angels to be around by virtue of being queer. there are still transphobes in queer bars. tranny chasers come to these bars. homophobic lesbians show up and lesbophobic gay men show up. drag queens and performers bring their cishet friends and family to support their shows. these are not perfect havens. they are not safe. we should not force other queers to interact with inherently dangerous spaces if these are supposed to be our safe spaces.

also these spaces are not friendly to people with disabilities; wheelchair users have nowhere to go especially when it's very crowded. other mobility aids get kicked and knocked over. neurodivergent people can get overstimulated by the deafening music very quickly. photosensitive people can have seizures due to the strobing lights. people with emetophobia like me run the risk of running into those types of triggers. people who are overstimulated by intoxicated people have no choice but to deal with it. dancing is one of the only activities to do other than drink and not many disabled (or even abled) people can dance for extended periods of time comfortably.

not to mention these spaces are not geared toward aromantic or asexual people at all, either. there is a long list of reasons why bars should not be our primary venues of interaction with one another. they serve a specific purpose- for people who want to cruise- but for the rest of us, it's really crucial that we have spaces that provide meaningful interactions with other queers on other levels of our identities.

some people just want to hang out with other queers in a quiet environment and craft, or shop, or drink coffee, or read books together, or just about any other activity on planet earth, and that's not "lame" or "cringy" or bad in any way- these are extremely normal and necessary parts of human interaction that we all require and crave and it's normal to want to do healthy, domestic things with other queers. we need this in our lives.

please take it seriously when people attempt to create queer spaces that don't involve alcohol and bars. it's necessary for our survival and well being as a community.

#lgbtqia #lgbtq #lgbt #queer #gay #lesbian #bisexual #aromantic #asexual #trans #transgender #non binary #nonbinary #enby #ftm #trans man #trans men #trans boy #trans girl #trans woman #trans women #trans lady #transfemme #transfeminine #transfem #transmasculine #transmasc #genderqueer #gnc #drag

[cy-cyborg]

How your disabled character's allies react to their disability can make or break the representation in your story: Writing Disability Quick Tips

[ID: An image with “Writing Disability quick tips: How your character's allies react to their disability matters” written in chalk the colour of the disability pride flag, from left to right, red, yellow, white, blue and green. Beside the text are 2 poorly drawn people icons in green, one is standing with their hand up to the face of the other, who is in a wheelchair. /End ID]

Something I brought up in my big post about Toph Beifong was how the other characters reacted to Toph pointing out that things were not accessible to her and setting boundaries regarding her disability, which were ignored. I had more to say about it than I thought I did, as it turns out (when isn't that the case lol) but I feel like this is an important aspect of disability representation that is all too often over looked.

You can write the best, most accurate portrayal of a specific disability ever put to screen or page, but it won't mean much if all the other characters, specifically those we're supposed to like and empathise with, treat your character terribly for being disabled and having needs relating to said disability, especially if the story justifies their behaviour.

You see this most often with autistic characters and especially autistic-coded characters. The character in question will be given a bunch of autistic traits, most often traits relating to not understanding certain social dynamics or sarcasm, and when they get it wrong, the other characters we are supposed to like jump down their throat, tease them or outright abandon them. Autism isn't the only disability that gets treated this way, but it is one of the more common ones that get this treatment. It doesn't matter if you do everything else right when creating an autistic character if the other "good guys" constantly call them annoying, get angry at them or laugh at them for the very traits that make them autistic, or for advocating for their needs.

Likewise, if you have a leg amputee character who is otherwise done well, but is constantly being criticised by their allies for needing to rest their legs or taking too long to get their prosthetics on, it undermines a lot of the other work you've done. Same goes for having a wheelchair user who is accused of being a bore or a stick in the mud because they point out the places their friends want to go to on a group holiday have no wheelchair access, or a deaf character who is accused of being entitled for wanting their family to learn to sign, or anything else.

This isn't to say you can never have moments like these in your stories, but its important to remember that a) people with the same disability as your character will be in your audience. If you spend a whole season of your TV show shaming your autistic character for real traits that real autistic people have, they're not exactly going to feel welcome and may not want to hang around. b) it's going to very, very heavily impact people's perceptions of your "heros" who do this, especially in they eyes of your audience members who share the character's disability or who have had similar experiences. This isn't like calling someone a mean name or being a bit of a dick when you're sleepy, it's going to take a lot to regain audience appeal for the offending character, and depending on exactly what they do and how frequently they do it, they may not even be able to come back from it at all. And finally, c) there should be a point to it outside of just shaming this character and saying the other guy is an asshole. Like I said before, you're character is criticising real people's real disabilities and the traits or problems that come with them, things that they often have no control over, it shouldn't be used as a cheap, quick way to establish a quirky enemies to lovers dynamic or show that one guy is kind of an ass before his redemption arc. If you really must have your characters do this, be mindful of when and how you use it.

#Writing disability with Cy Cyborg #Quick tips #Disability #Disabled #Disability Representation #Writing Disability #Writing #Writeblr #Authors #Creators #Writing Advice #Disabled Characters #On Writing

[incorrectbatfam]

Wayne Tower yelp reviews pls (wrong answers ofc)

★★★☆☆ Disappointed but not surprised

Was invited to the Wayne Gala held at the Tower this year to accommodate special guests from the Justice League. Was photographed by reporter Clark Kent. Wanted to meet Superman but he didn't show up. Food and atmosphere was good. Got told off for swinging from the chandelier. Why have a chandelier if not for swinging?

★☆☆☆☆ Not even gonna dignify it with a title

I'd give zero stars if I could. The CEO is a massive fucking asshole. He's full of nothing but smooth-brained takes. He claims he'll be there when you need him but never shows up. And when you RIGHTFULLY resent him, he'll turn around and pretend YOU are the bad guy. That isn't even touching on his AUDACITY to replace you so soon after you leave. You think you know this man, you think you've grown to trust him, and then he goes and stabs you in the back. Believe me when I say RUN. Get as FAR away from this company and that bastard Bruce Wayne as you possibly can.

★★☆☆☆ SOS

I work here. Too many emails. Half the execs are Boomers who can't export a PDF. The break room is out of coffee. My dad won't stop visiting the office. When will the nightmare end???

★★★★☆ Imperfect but respectable

I had the opportunity to visit Wayne Tower on Bring Your Child To Work Day. The building is up to code and I was able to view all the health code certifications. I admire that Wayne Enterprises takes care of its employees by allowing ample vacation time, in-house daycare, and well-maintained recreation spaces. The cafeteria did not have as many vegetarian options as I would have preferred, but I have been informed that they operate on a rotating menu, so I shall revisit again next week and possibly amend my review. I would leave five stars but I ran into Tim Drake on the way out and that brought the whole experience down a notch.

★☆☆☆☆ No Chipotle

Was told there was a Chipotle here. Did not find Chipotle.

★★★☆☆ Badge entry didn't work

I'm on the night shift at the company's call center. One time I was already running late but for some reason I couldn't badge in. The janitor wouldn't let me through even though I had proof I was supposed to be here. Had to escalate to the CEO. Still better than working the Batburger drive-thru though.

★★★★★ Hi Dad

Hi Dad.

★★★★☆ Good but...

I love the bathrooms. They're easy to find and very accessible for a wheelchair user like myself. There's plenty of space for me to navigate and the products are top-notch, especially the hot towels. The toaster oven under the sink also doesn't make sense, but then again, my lockscreen is Nightwing so I can't judge.

★★☆☆☆ No cats allowed

I got written permission from the CEO himself to bring my cat to the office, but the doorman turned me away. Next time, there should be better communication between the employees.

★★★★☆ Rooftop makes for good date

I brought my girlfriend up here for our anniversary date. The building has a beautiful view of the city and the restaurant was great. The bread was a little dry, but nothing that a little butter couldn't fix. Unfortunately, she's an on-call detective and we had to cut our evening short, but that's not the staff's fault.

★☆☆☆☆ Got called Bri'ish

Someone called me Bri'ish.

#bruce wayne #batman #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #damian wayne #duke thomas #stephanie brown #cassandra cain #barbara gordon #selina kyle #kate kane #alfred pennyworth #batfamily #batfam #batboys #batbros #batgirls #batkids #batsiblings #batman family #incorrect batfamily quotes #incorrect quotes #incorrect dc quotes #batfam social media #dc comics #tw swearing #tw food mention #long post

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

I don't know who needs to hear this, but you should make an OC.

You should make an OC. Specifically a Spider-Sona. Like now. Preferably yesterday. [A MEDIUM-LONG essay about OC's, fanfiction, and how to enrich and better your writing skills in literally every sector. Throughout this essay I reference my two characters Disco-Spider and Inca-Spider as examples of the way OCs can be used.]

_________________________________________

"But no one cares about OCs -"

OKKAYYYY??

IDK about ya'll but fandom is NOT my final destination no siree

I feel like a lot of the time we get so caught up in posting and notes we forget that for many artists and writers on this platform - fanfiction is not the true end goal.

Many of us write and draw fanart for years -

But the fact of the matter is if you want to be an author someday, if you want to be a graphic novelist, an animator, etc, etc - You're going to HAVE to make OCs.

If you want to study English in college or publish books - you're gonna have to write an OC at least once. If not hundreds of times.

If you want to study art - chances are at some point you're gonna have to fill a portfolio with original pieces, including some of OCs.

If you want to do something with your writing, if you want to get better - or make a career out of your art, you HAVE to make OCs at some point.

And this is especially true for fanfiction writers.

You can get very very very good at writing in your specific fandoms, you may have the emotions of the characters on point, and the ability to describe the scenery.

But if you don't know how to create and design a character - if you don't know how to worldbuild, or come up with scenarios without the help of characterai and ChatGPT - you won't be able to write a book.

If you're an artist and you don't know how to draw an original character from scratch, how to match colors, how to draw certain skin tones, certain hair, wheelchairs and mobility aids, how to design a character from looks, to clothing - it's going to be so hard to expand your art outside of fanart. You'll always be beholden to the notes and popularity of your particular fandom.

Do it - even if you've never written or never draw before. Even better.

That's why I CHAMPION Spider-sonas so much. They're basically OCs on easy mode.

Can't write backgrounds yet? Here's a bucket on canon events to pick from? Can't draw faces? Blank mask with eyes.

Hell, if you're really really new about it - just pick a character and make a slightly different variant. Make a Hobie of your own, make a Peter variant. Make a Mary Jane variant. Pick a something you like and turn that into a character.

Can't write? Just fill-in the 'My name is [blank], I was bitten by a [blank]' script that Miles does. Can't draw, just draw out a basic shape of a body and color-out the suit, no fancy pose needed. That still counts!!

Make a self-insert. Make yourself fit into the story, design your suit, write out how you fight crime, how you'd act at the Society, meeting Miguel or Miles.

That's still character design, that's still worldbuilding.

We always hear people say 'Make art for yourself' and yeah that sounds nice - but people also misinterpret it.

Make art for yourself doesn't just mean making art that you personally like.

Making art for yourself also means making art that develops your skills even if no one gives a fuck. It's about making art as practice without the intention of it being 'completed', making OCs that never get used, drawing locations you see or writing a random ass short story then shoving it into your Google Drive forever.

Making art for yourself means making art that invests in yourself.

It means making art that interests you, challenges you, or helps you develop.

And making OC's helps develop your fanfic writing skills.

In may fandoms we begin to fall into these routine 'tropes' between characters and their personalities. This is usually known as the 'fanon' characterization.

Because when you have a set amount of characters and people, there's also a set amount of interactions and relationships between those people.

Writing OCs and having those OCs interact with canon characters allows you to dig deeper into sides of the canon characters we'd never otherwise see.

That's why I wrote Disco-Spider Diane like I do. Often, we see Hobie characterized as the chaotic, rowdy, confident type - which is perfect characterization for him. But in almost all of his interactions - he's the wilder, bolder, extroverted one. I wanted to put him in a situation where for once, he was the calmer one. I wanted to explore more grounded and chill sides of Hobie, one where he's the one grounding the other, and thinking logically - because in canon, we're hinted at a side of Hobie who's way more methodical and slow-paced and willing to stop and wait it out and play it off. And I wanted to see that. I wanted to explore what he'd do if he was faced with someone just as chaotic, who put on a cheeky ironic act - just the same as him.

Because no other characters serve that purpose in canon.

If there are elements of a character or concept you think are interesting but outright ignored by canon and fanon, you can create an OC to explore those parts.

For Disco-Spider: I wanted to explore how someone like a militant Black Panther would handle being Spider-woman, when Spider-people are usually shown as pacifists - what that would look like or how it'd shape her morals based on era, etc. For Inca-Spider: I realized there were so many culture based Spider people like Pavitr and Spider-UK. But none for indigenous communities, and NONE from countries that only existed in other universes. So, I created an indigenous character from Tawanti - a country that's located where Peru would be for us.

You can give a canon character a sibling, to explore how they'd interact with family. Give them a partner that acts totally different than their canon partner, write how that'd change the way they show love.

OC's make your original writing better, AND your fanfiction writing too. They can help you understand canon characters on a deeper level.

And sure, nobody likes your OC. NOW.

But every single character you write about, is someones OC. Every character you write about was once treated that way. Once upon a time, Dean Winchester was just some rando character in the pilot script of a show that hadn't picked up yet. Probably no one gave a fuck until CW picked it up.

The writers had to not only make him and develop him - they had to BELIEVE in him enough to pitch him to a TV show channel to make people care.

That's always the first step. Believing your character's story is worthy enough of being told and presenting it as such.

ESPECIALLY if your OC represents a demographic you don't see represented. Cause yes if there isn't any black women in canon then I'll Thanos this shit and do it myself.

Make OCs.

Write them. Draw them. Even if it's bad. Who the hell cares. Big Mouth is on Netflix with multiple seasons, have you seen that show?? 'Ugly' art is not a crime.

Make piccrews, fill out OCforms or take quiz's as them. Write little blurbs of them hanging with canon characters then post it in the tag.

You don't need a huge Spidersona sheet or a long long fic explaining their backstory. They can just be there.

MAKE OCs.

Make them to explore more in your fanfiction, make them so future you can write that novel or draw or that comic or sell those prints or whatever it is you plan to do.

Make it so your fanfiction AND original writing can grow stronger. It isn't just about notes and content and follows.

Make an OC. Make a Spidersona. Literally you have nothing to lose but your chains.

"Nobody cares-"

Oh they'll care when you pop out with that 6-book publishing deal. They'll care when you're designing big characters for movies. Cause that's how it happens. Watch.

ANYWAYSSSS if you made it this far I hope this inspired you to at least play around with the idea of OCs and Spidersonas in general.

Here's Hobie.

BYE.

If you want to make a sona and are kinda lost on where to start, lemme know!! Because I think they're amazing starting places for those who have never written or drawn before. Or if you have a sona but want to develop them further.

I haven't seen a guide to spidersonas and i wonder if that's something some people might want/need.

Seriously if I can even get one person into writing or drawing I'll be over the goddamn moon.

MAKE OCS PLEASE.

#I wanted to write a little post of positivity and it became a boatload #You gotta believe in yourself fam you got to #spiderman #atsv #spider man #marvel #spidersona #spidersonas #fanfic writing #fanfic #fanfiction #fanart #ocs #oc art #fic writing #writing advice #writing #art #fan art #oc x canon #f/o #self insert

[hjellacott]

Disabled rant

So I've got an invisible disability, as they call it. I've scoliosis, and in my case, it means a whole shoulder blade is out of its proper place and there isn't a good solution but pain management and certain types of physical therapies, such as Feldenkrais, which can be really helpful, but are not covered by the NHS. Which means that for the most part, is something I wish I could cure and fix (contrary to other people who don't wish to change their disabilities or impairments, and say they "don't want to be fixed), but that I've come to accept I probably won't get to fully solve. I know I have to live with this and manage it for life. And the world isn't made for people like me.

Some disabilities or impairments are obvious. A person in a wheelchair, a person with a guide dog... And even though the world isn't made for them either, and they have tremendous challenges daily, at least a part of their problems and solutions are obvious. It doesn't take much thinking to know a person in a wheelchair will need a lift, nobody is going to try and push them up a flight of stairs and call them lazy fuckers if they ask for the lift.

My situation is different. You can't look at me and see my disability. Therefore, I am not treated with the prejudices and stigma other disabled people receive, I don't get pointed at or anything, but in the down side, people don't understand it when I need help and compassion and understanding. That it isn't that I'm lazy, it isn't that I'm being difficult... Is that I genuinely need to sit down more, have a chair nearby, be offered a seat in public transport, because I'm in chronic pain and sometimes I feel great, but sometimes I'm agonising, and I might even faint. I'm agonising and having to smile and offer my seat to a pregnant woman or an elderly person... and I will happily do it, but I could also use a healthy person offering me their seat now and then. But they won't. Because they look at me and only see a young lady who seems fine.

With Feldenkrais now for a decade, I'm now no longer normally in pain, but I've got to be really careful not to make things bad and end-up bed-ridden for weeks. Among other cautions and prevention things, mainly I need to take frequent rests, and even sitting down, sometimes I need to change position, or type of seat, or lie down. My spine, which is S shaped, basically can't hold me up for long. Can't do its job effectivelly. And even though scoliosis is a private matter, I've had to warn my every employer. And I've lost jobs for it.

Most cases, bosses and colleagues don't get it. They think I'm lazy, needing to sit down all the time, because my clothes cover the bad positioning of my shoulder blade. They think I'm exaggerating. They call me names. And I've taken it without complaint for ten plus years, first from classmates and teachers, then in work settings. Lost jobs, or have to quit them for medical reasons, and so on. My doctors aren't even sure I would be able to carry a successful pregnancy to term, but my fucker boss thinks I'm being a lazy, annoying tosser who needs to be sitting down too often.

Anyway.

In psychology, we have two aspects for disability. The medical aspect is the one that tries to "fix you", and focuses on what's wrong with you as a disabled person and what can be do with you or two you to help out. It points out your symptoms. I always feel slightly at war with some disabled people because they try to speak for all of us and say that the medical aspect is shit, that people shouldn't be trying to fix them, that there's nothing wrong with them, that it should only be the social aspect. The one that focuses on finding the problem in society (it is society that disables you, which is why we don't say people with disabilities, but disabled people as in, people who have been made disabled by the world), and adapt society to enable your existence, to put it simply. Personally, I think it needs to be a combination.

I think it is very much CRUCIAL to remember each disabled person is their own fucking individual. We can't really be grouped into one category and say OK, disabled people reject the medical focus, so let's stop pointing out their symtoms and just fix society. I think at the bare minimum, we should recognise main differences between people whose disabilities are invisible and people who have visible ones.

Many of us who are invisibly disabled, we have a physical impairment that, contrary to for example people with Down's Syndrome, we do really want to fix it. We want our medical issues to be researched more and investigated better and for treatments to become more accessible because they aren't. Currently the only treatment available in the NHS for scoliosis is physiotherapy (for pain management, and not necessarily effective) and surgery (involves having nails in your spine, a huge, risky surgery, and it won't necessary solve things completely). I tell people I've scoliosis, most people don't know what it is. So people like me, we do need the medical aspect, it's crucial. It's crucial to raise awareness, to let people know there are so many invisible disabilities, so many people smiling at you and agonising inside, and so, in the one hand, we need a big focus on the medical aspect and trying to fix treatments to fix us, but on the other hand, we also need a focus on the social aspect and building a more understanding and empathetic society that doesn't hurry to call people lazy fuckers if they need to rest more, that is not so quick to judge, that always thinks "hold on, perhaps they're disabled and I can't see it, let's be extra kind". Particularly in work places.

Whereas for visibly disabled people, there are so many kinds. If you've got autism or Down's Syndrome, you might not want to be treated like a sick person, because it's become your identity. For me, scoliosis isn't my fucking identity, I don't want it to be, but I imagine that when you're receiving BS day and night and being called retarded for having something like Down's, eventually you want to flip the table and own it and let it be your identity and something you're proud of it, and you don't want to be told you're ill, that something's wrong with you, you want society to just take you in and love you as you are. But then you've got deaf people or people with hearing impairment but not complete deafness, who perhaps would really benefit from being treated like people with a medical problem that needs solving, so that research can focus and money can be invested in finding new treatments to truly solve deafness. Just like we use glasses when our eyes are impaired (I also got that one).

This goes to show that what we need is a combination of both aspects. Yes we can't go around calling people names and pointing fingers at them and calling them ugly and being shit to them because they're impaired, we can't make people disabled by building a world that will always make them feel broken and not good enough.

We need compassion, understanding, kindness. We need society to change. But we also need for people to understand many disabilities are invisible. Many have degrees. For example autism is a whole fucking spectrum, and I've friends who have the kind where you're incredibly bright, bit like Sheldon Cooper, they'd never call themselves disabled, they don't want to be fixed or to be told something's wrong with them, they think they're better than you. But I've been a teacher at a school for students so deeply autistic that they didn't say a word ever, literally they'd be ill and vomiting and feverish and you had to play guess because trying to talk to them was like talking to a wall, even when using Makaton (some kids will really get good with it, but others cannot use it much either). And those kids do need people to realise something about them is different, that they need medical help and twice as much understanding and kindness, and for their symptoms to be understood. Because if their symptoms are not seen and understood as such, then they'll be judged wrong. Then people will slap them for the way they behave (and imagine slapping an autistic child!), whereas if people know it's deep autistic, a state of severe dependency, and that they didn't mean anything bad when they bit you, when they hit you, or when they start screaming, then they'll be kind and compassionate. And by remembering the medical focus, there'll be more medical research to make their lives better.

The main thing is every disabled person is their own person. Their own world. So when in doubt, don't assume someone's lazy or stupid, assume they must have some disability and don't ask about it. Just be kind, it's not hard. Be understanding. When some disabled people tell you they just want to be treated as normal and not be fixed, don't assume that's everyone. But remember and don't judge that some people really do need to be cured, and are begging for it. Don't generalise and put every disabled person in one same box and assume their needs and wishes are the same. Just ask them how they feel about it personally, if you're close to them to ask.

Think about it like with glasses, right? Sight impairment in an accepted disability common in society and we run to fix it. We all want to fix it. We'll have glasses or surgery. So by that logic, assume many disabled people want cures and want fixing if it's possible, but that doesn't mean they want to be treated like they're wrong or broken or less good, because they aren't. They simply have an issue, and we all have issues and problems and crap. They're impaired. Most of us have at least one little impairment, it's a normal thing, not abnormal. And then, also remember other disabled people don't want to hear a word about their symptoms.

And when your employee tells you they've got a health condition and need a specific thing, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST LISTEN, BE KIND, GIVE THEM WHATEVER THEY NEED TO DO THEIR JOB THE BEST THEY CAN AND DON'T DEMAND FUCKING JUSTIFICATIONS AND PRIVATE EXPLANATIONS.

#disabilities #disabled people #invisible disabilities #scoliosis #impairments #autism #down's syndrome #deafness #hearing impairment #visual impairment #blindness #glasses

[bloooops]

the other day i cleaned my shower which involved a lot of squatting/kneeling and then that night/the next day my knee hurt. and instead of being normal about it, i worked myself into hysterics over it. i was like, this is early onset arthritis. i'm a cripple at 30. by the time i hit 40 i won't even be able to walk. all i've thought about the last year or two is how good it's gonna be to get back into running once i move out and now i'm gonna be in a wheelchair in a couple of years....

anyway i cried for like five hours (obviously there were other contributing factors, lol, it was a very rough day) and then finally took a xanax and went to sleep. two hours into my sleep my brother calls and he's like hey mate, i'm having some chest pains, i need you to take me to hospital.

so i pick him up and he's Scared scared. so we're driving to the hospital and he's telling me which red lights to run and the streets there's no cameras so i can speed (an incredible mind btw, how does he know all the cameras on every street in victoria). we get there and they're like, well, it's not a heart attack. lol he has to stay for the night to run more tests, so i go home.

and then the next morning i wake up and my knee feels absolutely fine. and the doctors give him a clean bill of health.

🥴 just two mentally ill people convincing themselves a slight pain is the end of the world.

#tbf he got scared bc he felt weird and asked his wife to watch him while he slept #and then he was like errr that's what dad did to nat when he had a heart attack Lol #for me there's no excuse though #i'm always like that

[nineinchclaws]

🦇⠀ash williams & reader with POTS

fandom⠀evil dead

characters⠀ash williams (army of darkness)

warning(s)⠀some sexually explicit content towards the end, very brief mention of alcohol

tags⠀gender neutral reader, established relationship

note(s)⠀getting kind of self indulgent with this one fellas!!! so this is just mainly going off of my own experience and things i do. also sorry if ash is ooc, i'm not really used to writing him yet and am still trying to figure out how to <//3

divider⠀firefly-graphics

*⠀ash had never heard of POTS before he met you, so naturally, he was quite curious about it and asked you questions when he could.

*⠀he knew to be respectful and not push boundaries with asking these questions. in fact, he was a little bashful about it because of how much he liked you, just wanting to be careful as to not make you uncomfortable. any answers you gave, he'd listen closely and do his best to remember.

*⠀when you two got closer and he found his feelings for you growing, his main way to educate himself outside of asking you was by reading, so he'd pick up any books or magazines that he could and payed quite close attention to them.

*⠀being physically disabled himself, he knows how frustrating and upsetting it can be at times, and especially with ignorant people.

*⠀if you use a mobility aid and he sees people badgering you about it and making inappropriate comments, or touching it without permission, he has no problem getting them to back off, if you want help. will probably throw a few punches if he really has to.

*⠀he trusts you to be able to take care of yourself, but will still occasionally ask you things like if you have a salty snack and a drink with you whenever you go out. also always makes sure that your pantry is stocked with salty foods, and has no problem paying for these things if he goes grocery shopping alone.

*⠀also makes sure that you have painkillers for the headaches.

*⠀very willing to go on last minute shopping trips if you find you're all out of any of these things.

*⠀all in all, he's aware of and respectful of the fact that you can still be independent and are capable of doing things on your own, perhaps some more than others. but if you ever need a hand with anything, just call for him and he'll be there.

*⠀if you're part of the percentage of people that experience syncope, ash makes sure he knows the warning signs and will always try to be there when you faint to catch you and have you sit or lay down somewhere. he'll stay by your side until you wake up and he knows you're alright.

*⠀very patient when it comes to your brain fog. however, the first few times he noticed you pausing for longer than someone else might, he tended to try and help by trying to finish your sentence for you. of course, this often didn't help as much as he thought it would and you just ended up losing your train of thought completely.

*⠀he did eventually stop doing that when you told him, because he'd probably just continue to do it without piecing things together on his own if you didn't.

*⠀after this, though, he is patient. he doesn't mind waiting for something to click in your brain or for you to collect your thoughts or remember what you were saying. he'll also reassure you that you did, in fact, turn off the oven or lock the door.

*⠀has no problem attending your hospital/doctor appointments if you want him to come, and if he's free. he'll help you deal with asshole doctors if you're not able to on your own. he's always sticking up for you.

*⠀if you go somewhere and it isn't wheelchair accessible, and especially when it is described as such, he is pissed. unfortunately, due to this being the '80s and accessibility not being law until 1990 in michigan, there isn't much you guys can legally do about it. he might chew out whoever's in charge of the place, but if you don't want him to, he'll keep quiet. for your sake, he won't complain about it to you, but you can tell he's annoyed. though, he's much more concerned about you than himself.

*⠀ash will absolutely listen to you complain about anything, not just your chronic illness, and he always shows you sympathy.

*⠀he'll help you to decide on a design for your compression socks/stockings if you ask him to.

*⠀encourages you not to stay in bed too much so things don't worsen, but doesn't push you. if you can exercise, he does it with you. he also makes sure to go on a walk with you as often as possible, and brings along your wheelchair or carries you back home if you're not able to continue walking.

*⠀ash loves going on these walks. he finds it relaxing being able to go out and enjoy nature with the person he loves.

*⠀obviously he loves to flirt with you and tease you. making you flustered is one of his favourite things, and obviously, this gets your heart pumping faster and faster and one time, it's so bad you almost faint. he helps steady you if he notices you swaying and helps you to sit or lay down. he feels bad, but he can't help but let out a little laugh as he teases one last time,

*⠀"you really like me that much, baby?"

*⠀you shoot him a playful glare and he stops, still smiling a little as he sees what else he can do to make things easier for you.

*⠀makes sure that your apartment isn't too warm or too cold, as he knows how sensitive you are to temperature and that hot environments can make your symptoms flare up. he'll buy you a handheld fan for when it's hot outside, too.

*⠀will hold your hands to try and warm them up.

*⠀he has to get used to you sighing heavily and sometimes multiple times when you're dealing with air hunger. at the beginning of your relationship, he thinks you're angry at him or about something and will ask you if something's wrong, but of course, usually things are alright and you're just battling with your lungs. he does eventually learn.

*⠀at times, cuddling with him can be either heaven or hell: heaven, because he's practically a heater and keeps you warm, and hell, because sometimes you get too warm, and you end up burning up.

*⠀he ends up becoming very familiar with the signs that you're not doing good: breathing heavily and/or slowly or your eyes fluttering or when you get quiet when you're feeling nauseous, dizzy, or lightheaded, when you sway in place, or when you rest your head on something and close your eyes to try and deal with certain symptoms.

*⠀if you aren't able to work, ash doesn't judge at all, and if he's around when anyone gives you shit for it and you can't defend yourself, he'll jump in to get the person to stop being an asshole.

*⠀doesn't mind carrying you if you ever need him to. he loves getting to have you in his arms and holding you close to him, so any chance he gets, he'll take it.

*⠀never gets angry with you if you need to cancel plans. sure, he'll be a little disappointed, but he's much more concerned for you and wants you to be alright.

*⠀likes to decorate any mobility aids you have (cane, crutches, walker, wheelchair, etc.) with you, mainly by putting stickers or ribbons on them. however, ash isn't really the best when it comes to decorating, so some recommendations he gives you either look ridiculous or clash with your mobility aid and/or any other decorations it has. he does try his best.

*⠀any days that you're stuck in bed or on the couch, ash will gladly spend them with you and do anything he can to make things easier for you. ask him to do a chore that desperately needs doing? he's on it. need him to run to the store? he's already grabbing his keys, but won't leave without giving you a kiss somewhere on your face. just want a shoulder to cry on or you want a hug? come straight to ash.

*⠀as much as he loves alcohol, he may urge you to be careful with it and steer clear of it, if it triggers your symptoms. the same goes for caffeine.

*⠀he really loves to shower and take baths with you, for some reasons more obvious than others, but he also really just likes getting to help you get clean. if you need him to help you bathe, he'll do so with enthusiasm.

*⠀he loves hot baths, but he's willing to sacrifice them when you join him if they make you dizzy or nauseous.

*⠀if you guys have a sexual relationship, he makes sure to be careful with you. he won't water down the things he usually does in bed (not if you don't need him to) and he checks up on you as frequently as he would with anyone, but he does keep a little bit of a closer eye on you to make sure you're still doing okay and that you're not about to pass out.

*⠀if you do, he'll stop what he's doing and, depending on where you are and what position you're in, he'll lay you down somewhere and prop your feet up with a pillow and get you something to drink - either water or a sports drink - and something salty to eat, or even some ice if that helps, for when you wake up again. he also has no issue waiting for you to be able to continue or completely ending it there if you can't or don't want to go on.

*⠀one of ash's favourite positions is doggy, but if you aren't able to do that for very long or at all, he can definitely settle for another position. another of his favourites is pronebone, which should be much easier for you to handle, given that all you need to do is lay on your stomach.

*⠀having your ankles over his shoulders is also pretty good, one of the reasons being that having your feet up helps circulate your blood better, and you could definitely use that during something that gets your heart beating fast, such as this.

*⠀when it comes to aftercare, he wasn't too good at the start, having not known too much about your specific needs. but the longer you're together, the more he gets used to what you need and want. he'll let you rest while he cleans up, then lays with you and props your feet up with a pillow. he'll cuddle you while asking how you're doing and getting you a drink or food to help you feel a little better if your symptoms are flaring up. and if you're feeling well enough, he'll get a bath started for you.

#nic after dark #headcanons #evil dead #army of darkness #ash williams #ash williams x reader #gender neutral reader

[b-i-t-c-h-y-m-u-g-g-l-e]

A little bit of my room at the physical therapy oncology room I was given. I won't take more pics yet cos I don't have permission and don't wanna overstep (but if the doc says its okay Im giving a tour for those interested in seeing a physical therapy hospital for cancer patients.)

All of the therapists are oncologists too which also impressed me. Like i talked to the head doctor that convinced me to come here and they're both physical therapists and oncologists that started the special physical therapy spa for people that have been paralyzed etc from bone cancers/tumors. Im exactly where I should be.)

So far my room is HUGE that I can easily use a wheelchair and walker without knocking into anything.

Bathroom is also huge so its a lot easier for me to do everything. I'm by myself and there's like 7 other patients so I took the risk and put stuff in the bathroom to have my hygiene products more accessible (although I don't mind sharing my stuff as long as I'm asked first tbh. If I get a roomie or anything. I helped my last roomie out so it was all good)

The only downside... is the food 😭. I think it's my diet though. I have pre diabetes cos when I was on steroids I was craving very sweet things so I was eating butterfingers, chocolate covered raisens AND nuts, bonbons, lollipops, tons of cookies well... I messed myself up that I gave myself pre-diabetes (be careful, you guys. I can't believe it was THAT easy to give myself pre-diabetes. Watch your health so you won't end with a shitty diet like me 😭)

I know they're trying to stabilize my blood sugar so I won't get full on diabetes (cos it can be stabilized. My aunt and grandpa were stabilized and are back to normal again)

But a flavorless, high fiber diet is really ugh. I'll have to suffer through it cos they know what's best and they're basing my diet on my blood work (they check EVERYTHING here. Glad I went to this hospital rather than the local one in my town. The hospital in my hometown is nowhere near this attentive to every detail and plus the social worker in my town hospital sympathized with and sneakily told me to come this hospital cos of its success rate. Heck a number of the staff are survivors themselves so I know there's a high success rate (and they call regularly to check on you so they keep track of you even if you're not hospitalized)

Anyways I waxed poetic enough. I will force myself to eat the bland food cos these people literally have helped me stand up and walk again and have shrunken most of my tumors and I'm so grateful for that although I really hated the steroids, some hold ups, i was ornery. I hate being that way but now after 2 weeks of being off the steroids and stabilizing I feel like such an epic bitch cos I was complaining for stuff that couldn't be helped.

I tend to be a looooooot more patient and laid back than that moody bitch I was displaying.

I worked for years in childcare. I got paid a lot for it too and while I was college I even had a waiting list cos some of the problematic kids only got along with me (I was good dealing with unruly hyperactive ones. Some kids i couldn't handle however, *cough* my younger brother *cough* cos i wasnt an absolute miracle worker but you get the point. By the times their parents picked them up the kids would be well fed and tired cos I wouldn't let up on entertaining them in physical activities like sports etc. Best thing for these kids is exhausting them with activities they like 🤣.

I know I rambled but what I'm saying is that these kids were children others didn't want to take on cos it would take A LOT of patience to deal with their attitudes and high energy levels and I was able to handle them and not get mad (probably cos I used to be an "unruly kid" myself and I know we can change and know what we needed to simmer down)

Those steroids... I know that I bitch a lot about them... I wasnt me AT ALL with those demonic pills. This IMPATIENCE, lack of comprehension skills, like my brain and temperament switched. I mean I'm sassy by nature (to other adults) but this went BEYOND that.

So if you're taking these types of meds... and you see those changes, don't worry cos that's not you and you know it. Once you're outta it you'll realize that. I'm actually terrified now that my mind has cleared and I apologized to some people but they said they've seen it happen to most saintly of people to not be upset (which makes me feel worse 😔)

Anyways dang i talked too much ahahahaha. Wanted to give a big update about this nice new location to help me out (still impressed. Glad i let the head doctor convince me to enter the program, lol) and I'm feeling like my old self every day little by little finally.

#personal #physical therapy

[insertsickusername13]

General concept: Brooke comforts Jake after the fire

Word count: 1969

Warnings: kind of alludes to suicide, but it's like... very implied and not at all said

Jake's apartment is probably more important to Brooke than it is to Jake. After November 1st, when she woke up to her parents shaking her awake at 8 am telling her something terrible's happened. Are you friends with Jake Dillinger? she's forced to function under the constant, ineffable, unavoidable assumption that no matter what she does—how kind she is, how happy she can be—something terrible is going to happen again, and this time there is going to be no boy to pick up from the hospital, no wheelchair to help him set up, no trips to the mall to buy countless flowers for Rich. Only black dresses and rainy skies and silent lunch tables. 

The apartment is proof he's alive. He's going to recover. He isn't being taken by social services and isn't moving in with his Aunt in Virginia. He's here. He's safe. She still has her best friend (aside from, of course, Chloe, but that's a different situation entirely).

Jake doesn't appreciate it as much. He's silent as his landlord hands him the key with a pitying 'good luck' smile, silent as they sit in the pre-furnished living room, Brooke on the overstuffed couch and Jake in his wheelchair. Brooke's planning out ways to make the place Jake's: posters on the walls, pictures on the shelves. Repaint a couple of walls and redo the beach-themed bathroom. Her voice is so loud it echoes through the apartment.

"The windows are nice, the curtains are definitely giving off unfulfilled middle age mother though, don't you think?"

She turns to Jake for approval, smiling brightly at her own joke, only to be met with a blank, red-eyed stare and delayed laugh.

She decides getting him out of the apartment is probably for the best. Maybe it's just too stuffy, or too fast. He just needs a distraction—some time to process everything. Nothing terrible is going to happen as long as she stays by his side.

She can just talk it away. She can do his nails, buy more flowers. She'll paint the walls yellow and waft away every cloud in the sky until the world is bright with sunshine. Just as long as nothing terrible happens. 

She takes him to the mall first, thinking perusing the isles of Ikea might excite him. Pretty furniture, pretty setups. 

"How do you feel about these 'yellow star twinkling' fairy lights? The LED strips look cheap, right? So these are definitely better. But the LEDs change color, so...?"

Brooke holds the two options up in front of her. There's an entire shelf of other lights behind her, but the rest are erring on the side of too feminine, and she has the feeling that even a Jake who no longer has Rich constantly chastising every decision that isn't 'manly' enough won't appreciate them.

Jake points silently to a box behind her, barely doing more than lifting a finger. Ecstatic to finally get a reaction out of him, Brooke spins wildly to see a box of butterfly-shaped lights. 

Oh. Maybe it wasn't too feminine, after all. She notes that for later. 

Eagerly, she picks up the box. "These?"

He nods. She tries not to look at him too long as she skips over to their cart. If she studies him for any more than a moment she'll be forced to confront the bags under his eyes and the glazed-over, empty look in his irises, either a result of the medications or the knowledge he'll never be able to run like he used to or see Rich the same way.

"Great! Are we gonna look at posters too? Personally, I never thought of you as a poster guy, but I might be wrong. Maybe polaroids? Or paintings! Paintings would be awesome."

She ends up buying post-it notes. She lost Jake somewhere between the desks and beds, and by the time they finally reach another section of the store with more bedroom decor, he's only responding with sharp, one-word answers meant to slice her away into submission and eventual surrender. The terror of something going wrong keeps her smile on her face and a pep in her step, and eventually she gets him to say he wants neon pink post-it notes. 

He doesn't. But it's an answer, and it's clear on his face he thinks that might be enough to get her to finally leave him alone. 

It isn't.

She sits crisscross on his bedroom floor once they get back to the apartment, squished in the far corner between his empty dresser and equally as empty desk.

"I bet we could paint it," Brooke offers as she sits next to the splintering wood of his dresser. Jake hums from his bed, having reverted back to nonverbal answers. He's laying on his back, hands clasped over his stomach, legs propped up on a pile of pillows Brooke had bought at Bed Bath & Beyond. She glances at him out of the corner of her eye, resisting the urge to flurry over and roll him over onto his side, because what if he takes too many pills? What if he overdoses? What if he does it on purpose? What if something terrible happens?

Her grip on her pen tightens as she writes you're amazing!! on one of the post-it notes and sticks it to the edge of the corner.

On the next, what do you call a tower of cats?? —a meow-tain!!

You're really brave!!

I love you

It'll get better

A cartoon sun. A flower. A llama. 

It's nothing. It's stupid. Even someone as naive and innocent as Brooke can identify just how little it will help someone in Jake's situation, but her hands shake as she writes you can do this!! and she realizes, blinking back tears, that this isn't for Jake at all. 

She takes a small, shaky breath. She's as quiet as she can be, not ashamed that she's about to cry but knowing she can't in front of Jake. He's the one who lost his house and best friend. It isn't her place to cry, to be scared. 

But she can still see her parents' faces as they told her he was in the hospital, can still hear her mother screaming as she sped through a stop light on the way there, vision so blurred the red light almost looked like the blinding sirens on an ambulance. She can't let anything terrible happen again.

A sob escapes her—short and scared. She immediately tries to muffle it with her hand but it must be too late. She hears rustling from the bed behind her and the sound of Jake's raspy voice saying, "...Brooke?"

She swallows another sob as she turns, a sunflower smile on her face. 

"Yeah?" she says, and it sounds so simple, so pure that she sees Jake doubt himself for a second. The flicker of confusion on his face at the distinctive difference in her smile and posture from the way it had been a second ago. She tries to smile wider—better he be confused than concerned. He already has too much on his mind, so much that it's spilling over the edges in the form of flashing nightmares and constricting lungs (she knows, even if he won't say it). 

"Are you okay?"

It might be the first full sentence he's said since the fire.

Brooke gets up from where she's sitting and needlessly wipes her hands on her jeans as if ridding her palms of the scary feelings creeping into the sunny spots of her soul. 

"Great! I'm a little hungry though, maybe we should head out and get some pinkberry? Or pancakes. I'm kind of in the mood for those. Maybe IHop?"

Just to avoid looking at him, she takes out her phone and opens google maps, scrolling through all the options for restaurants as if she isn't nauseated by the thought of not being able to take Jake anywhere too crowded because the noises might send him spiraling in a way it never would have before. 

She can take him for ice cream in the park if he refuses IHop. Make sure he eats at least something, even if it's unhealthy. He might like the cold of it, the complete opposite of the fire.

Jake nods and sits up a little straighter. He opens his mouth, intention clear in every movement. Brooke watches him carefully and braces for rejection. She can make something small here. Even if it's just a snack. She won't take the excuses, won't falter even though she knows it must be difficult for him to comprehend the idea of continuing on with life without Rich at his side.

But Jake says, "Can I have a hug?"

Brooke's not sure she wants him to feel just how uneven her breathing's becoming, but if it makes him feel safe, if it makes him happy, even if it's only for a moment, then she'll do what it takes. 

She sits on the edge of his bed and hovers, unsure if he really means this, especially because the burns (not nearly as bad as Rich's) on his forearms have yet to fully heal, but the second she's within reach he pulls her into his hold, arms circled around her waist and face burrowed into her hair. She can feel his lips trembling against the skin of her neck as he shifts so she's on his lap, as close to him as he can get her. 

He's shaking. His fingernails dig into the crook of her shoulder blades and she takes in a small, sharp breath suppressed by just how tightly he's holding on to her. With nothing left to do, she cradles his head against her chest and runs soothing hands through his unwashed hair. 

"It's okay," she whispers against his hair. She tries to kiss the top of his head but he's hanging on with such a grip she can't shift without disturbing him, so she kisses thin air and pretends he feels it. 

"I don't—" he chokes, and it takes Brooke squeezing him to get him to breathe again. "I dunno if I can come back from this one, Brooke."

Something terrible's going to happen. 

"What's that supposed mean?"

Her voice is trembling. She closes her eyes to try and stop the saltwater from burning. 

Jake nuzzles closer as he says, muffled by her shirt but not by sobs, "I could deal with my parents. Could—could handle living on my own. But he's—how could he—?"

How could he?

She knows Jake means it as a genuine question, but when the words wrap around her tongue she feels her stomach clench with an anger she's never come close to experiencing before. How could he do this?

"I don't know," she says aloud, "I really don't know, but it's gonna be okay. I promise."

"How?" 

And this time she can hear the tears in his voice, feel them on her shirt and in her hair, a stain against her skin she'd rather tattoo onto her than let forever reside alone on Jake's face. They're made of poison. His words are made of poison, and she wants them spat against her shoulder just to stop them from festering in his mouth.

"Well," she says. The lump in her throat tries to stop the words and fails. "We're going to decorate your apartment, and we're going to rehearse for the play, and we can buy Rich more flowers. And he's gonna wake up and explain why he did it, and you don't have to forgive him, but at least you'll hear him say he doesn't hate you, that there's some misunderstanding. And—and I don't know, but I promise— I promise you, I'm gonna make it okay."

He tries to pull away from her, but she has to hold him still for a moment longer to wipe the tears off her face before he has the chance to see them. When he does finally pull back to look at her, his face is puffy and swollen. 

"Really?"

"Really. Really, really, really. Nothing terrible's ever going to happen to you again."

---

i rlly told someone to draw richjake inspired by safe and sound by t swift then decided to fully take rich out of the picture and write brooke and jake instead. btw go listen to safe and sound i stared at the ceiling for like half an hour listening to it then sat up and wrote this. hope u enjoyed!! it's sad. I'm sad. Their relationship is great.

#brooke lohst #jake dillinger #implied richjake #bmc #be more chill #wait i gotta do one of those things where people like make their own tag to like sort stuff #that's a thing right? i'm tired of scrolling through my old posts to find my fanfic i'll just like make up a tag #sparkly star fanfic #BOOM #guess what it was inspired by #sad #angst #more angst #a lot of angst #i wrote in the present tense again are y'all proud of me

[monochrome-sunsets]

babbling about my thoughts on the ending of good omens 2 because i need to get them off my chest

spoilers ahead (obvi)

(also it's mostly complaining about the ending so if you really loved it don't like. doxx me or whatever. i just need to rant about what i hated.)

so, the season as a whole i did definitely enjoy. i don't think it's as good as the first for a number of reasons- primarily that season one had ended with everything wrapped up very nicely with a bow- but it was still great fun and a good watch. there were loads of things i was very excited about (see saraqael, the angel in a wheelchair)!

i think i would have enjoyed it more if it had been slice of life-esque? following the adventures of crowley and aziraphale throughout pre-time all the way to current day.

what really ruined the season for me was the last fifteen minutes or so of episode 6. not because crowley and aziraphale didn't end up becoming loving life partners for eternity, but because all the character development aziraphale went through for two whole seasons just got tossed out the window like that.

i mean, two whole seasons of figuring out that both sides are shit and that really, the whole system is pretty much trash, and no one knows exactly why they're doing any of it! he bails on the system, says "i'm going to carve out a place for myself and my loved ones outside of the system", then he's offered a shiny new job and he's back in the fucking system again.

he says "we'll be able to change things" but you won't. gabriel, the last man in your position, got fired by his own employees because he didn't want to destroy earth. and metatron tells aziraphale that the next plans for humanity are already in place. aziraphale only gets to figure out the execution of the plan! and based on the meetings we saw, he'll have to run literally everything by the other archangels, who, again, can fire him despite him being their boss.

it's just so so frustrating to see what, in-universe, amounts to literal millenniums of character progress be completely crumpled in a single five minute chat with metatron.

it's just so frustrating to see and it leads to a deeply unsatisfying ending. i'm engaging in media to see characters grow and become better people, not see them do all that only to backtrack to square one minutes before the end. it's not enjoyable.

urghhhh.

i just really needed to rant about how frustrated i was by the ending.

also, aziraphale? really? "i forgive you"??? what the fuck is wrong with you?

#good omens #good omens spoilers #good omens 2 spoilers #good omens 2 #go2 #go2 spoilers

[regular-lord-reckoner]

a hospice nurse came out yesterday to talk to us and give us the run down of everything

she was nice and i think she's going to be his case manager while other nurses actually come out to check on him, but as soon as she left she was already putting in the orders for some medicines to help calm him and for a hospital bed and all of that

our dining table is kinda in the corner of the living room by the window so my mom and i already cleared all that out so we can put the bed there and that way he'll be right in the middle of everything and won't feel like he's just stuffed in the corner like he is in the bedroom

i kept going to just sit next to him yesterday and be by his side whenever my mom needed to go make him dinner or show the hospice nurse around because he didn't want to be alone

he was a lot more clear yesterday than he was the past couple of days and we had some very frank conversations about all of this which is good, but last night he had an anxiety attack and could barely breathe

my mom almost had to call hospice in because she didn't think he was going to make it but she managed to get him calmed down and settled

he was actually sitting up in his chair in the living room this morning but he pretty quickly had to move to the couch because he's just too tired

she and i talked this morning and i asked her how long she thinks he may have because i was thinking months maybe but she said we'll be lucky if he makes it to his birthday which is the 25th so that's...rough

she said there's just no fight left in him and his doctors are even talking about discontinuing a bunch of his meds and stuff

just...yeah.

i mean, i knew it was going to happen at some point, but i really didn't think it would be like...now. right now.

there still might be a chance he can turn this around and i think it's fucking crazy because i swear to god just like a week ago he was out on the back porch on the exercise bike, albeit he wasn't killing it on the fucking thing, but like...still

for a few minutes he was sitting and peddling a little and could walk back to his chair without a cane or using his wheelchair as a walker, he was able to make his own lunch and get himself a cup of coffee, at one point i even remember i was standing behind him just in case but he was scooting through the house like, "look at me go" and now it's like he's on death's door and i've heard this happens, it's not uncommon for people to do a big upswing right before the end where it seems like, "oh, okay, nice!!" and even his reports from his tests were looking fine, everything was seemingly okay but now i don't know anymore

i guess we'll just take each day at a time. my mom's going to see how this weekend goes but more than likely she's going to take another break from work and said she'd just go without pay, she just can't fathom being at fucking work and he ends up passing and i don't blame her a bit. since i work from home i think i'll try to still work as much as i can but ive got at least two weeks worth of pto already stored up and ready to go and whenever it's time, if it's next week or a month from now or whenever i'll just take that and fuck work

i just hate this so fucking much and i hate seeing him like this. i hate knowing that this is upsetting him but of course it fucking is. i hate knowing that he's scared. i hate so much about this but i guess there's no choice and i'm going to try to put on a brave face and do the best i can and that's that

#also last week when i was scheduling my next therapy appointment i decided to do every other week #because i felt like i was doing okay all things considered and we were kind of just saying the same things every time anyway #but uhh i might wanna reconsider that now #this week of all weeks is the one where i haven't had a session #and i don't think i need an emergent visit or anything #but it's just ironic i guess #fortunately i can do my sessions now from home we just hop on a video call together #so i won't be out of the house anymore for too long #anyway #i barely ate or drank anything yesterday and i can tell the not drinking thing is fucking me up #so i'm going to go take care of that and maybe try to get a little work done #and we'll just see how this goes #thank you for the kind words #i hope whoever's reading this has a peaceful and stress-free weekend

[cookinguptales]

hi! i had a question about your mobility aids. correct me if im wrong but it looks like you use an electric scooter? can you tell me about your experience with it? was it expensive? thanks!!

Uh... Honestly, we used to have an electric scooter, but they're a little frustrating. We had a lot of problems with the battery, and it really was expensive to maintain. When another disabled relative asked about it, we let them take it off our hands.

These days I mostly just use my cane in day-to-day life and I rent an electric scooter/wheelchair when I know I'm going to be in a hot environment or know I'm gonna need to be on my feet for an extended period. (See: zoos, cons, amusement parks, some museums, etc.) A lot of zoos, parks, convention centers, etc. will have scooters you can rent, and if that's not the case, a scooter/wheelchair rental service will often deliver one to a hotel or venue.

Sometimes using a delivery service is preferable even if where you're going has scooters available. You often have more models to choose from, and they tend to be in better shape as well as being cheaper. Like, using a scooter at NYCC would have been a pain in the ass; I was really happy that I was able to rent an electric wheelchair instead. Most amusement parks charge out the ass and have bulkier models. But for convenience's sake, sometimes it's a lot easier to just get one there, especially if you won't be there for more than like half a day. (Like, say, at a zoo.)

In the end, I think honestly I'd recommend renting scooters when you really need them, and if you need some kind of motorized device every day, going for an electric wheelchair/power chair instead. They're much more maneuverable than a scooter, though sometimes scooters can be better when you need to carry things or you'll be on slightly more uneven terrain. (Scooters are also generally cheaper, though neither is exactly a budget option. Keep in mind that you'll probably have to buy a pricier option if, like me, you're on the heavier side.)

I would also say that like... if you're considering taking the plunge and getting an electric mobility device of any kind, you really do need to honestly and realistically consider your environment. Even if you don't plan on using it every second of every day, you still need to be able to get it in your home. Does your home have any stairs, even small ones? (Don't forget the step at the door.) Do you have a place to store a large device, and a place to charge it? Do you have a vehicle that can transport one of these devices or access to public transportation that supports the use of them? Do you rely on any elevators with low weight limits? Because those suckers are heavy.

Does your workplace have any steps? Does your school have any steps? Do any of the places you go on a regular basis have any steps? Because you might be able to go up a step or two with a cane, even if there's a physical price to pay, but there's really no room for negotiation when you're steering a machine that weighs over a hundred pounds, y'know? And those things can TIP.

Insurance will help cover some models sometimes; it really depends on your health issues and what they decide you need. (🙃) But if they don't cover it, or they don't cover a model you want, then yes, they are very, very expensive. And that may not even be the biggest expense. Getting a new van and/or adding a lift to an existing one, home renovations, etc. Those things can really add up. (Ask me about my current bathroom woes. 🙃)

I'm not saying don't do it; we don't always have a choice what mobility devices we need to make our lives easier. But at the same time, I just want to make sure you really fully consider what it will mean for your day-to-day life, not just how much it costs upfront. You'll be dealing with maintenance, accessibility modifications to your home, etc. You might need to budget more than you think, especially if your insurance decides to be a shit about it.

Like personally, I live in Philadelphia, so I'll probably be making do with my cane as long as physically possible. There are just. God. There are so many fucking steps in this city. lmao. The curb cuts are so bad. People park in front of ramps all the time. But I do recognize that someday I might have to bite the bullet and just go for an electric wheelchair if I want to keep living my life. So.. yeah. Just consider things fully and weigh all your options, then make the decision that's best for you.

#replies #disability

[briarpatch-kids]

if you comfy with it, can you talk a little about your experiences with muscular dystrophy? i am suspecting it or something similar and just want to hear from people with it. ofc no pressure if too private etc!

Yeah, so basically I have mitochondrial myopathy which is under the muscular dystrophy umbrella because it causes progressive weakness and similar medical issues to muscular dystrophy, but it's not a "proper" one the way something like Limb-Girdle or Duchene are so your mileage may vary.

Growing up I always felt like I had to work a little harder than the other kids, I was always tired, and I'd get sick really easily and stay sick for a long time. I still was able to make up for things by sheer "you have no other option" willpower, combined with not being too sick yet.

I did well enough to pass military fitness tests at 18 and 19, but by 22 I had developed heart problems and dramatic exercise intolerance despite being very active. For years it looked like POTS and EDS to the point where I was misdiagnosed for a couple years. I was also having weird muscle twitches in my legs at night and the beginning of the muscle rigidity, but I thought it was just side effects from taking some hardcore psych meds when I was 20.

From there it kind of seemed like every time I'd get my shit together, horrible pain would set in and I'd start getting weird medical symptoms. Like, three months into it I'd be in 9/10 pain in my whole body, half delirious, and my whole body would be locked up in a muscle spasm. I once lost the ability to lift my arms over shoulder level for a month during finals week in college. That was a party.

The weakness is a lot more insidious, I thought it was the other medical symptoms until I got diagnosed. Because like, when your heart is beating at 180bpm, you need a sternum rub weekly to breathe from muscles locked, and you're swaying side to side while walking so hard you keep hitting door frames and bruising, you don't really notice that it's harder to get up and down than it used to. Or that maybe you're swaying side to side because you can't hold your whole body up reliably not because you're dizzy.

A lot of the other weakness related symptoms have been insidious. I have periods where I feel really tired and sluggish and like... Dim? Then I'd put on my CPAP for a nap and it would perk me back up. When we had a covid scare, my mother in law bought an oxygen monitor and it turns out during those times, my oxygen has been dropping to lower than what's healthy. (91-93 which is low enough to be concerning but not enough to need oxygen)

(EMETOPHOBIA WARNING) For the digestive issues it was more of the same, I just kind of lost my appetite, then it felt like I was "forcing food through" to keep things moving, then I started throwing up old food because my digestive system just kinda quit due to low power. Nowadays it's give or take, I can have a solid meal once in a while but I mainly live off milk watered down with coffee or protein shakes watered down with coffee. They're too thick without being thinned out and I'll be damned if I drink plain watered down Ensure instead of making a fancy coffee lmao (END EMETO WARNING)

A lot of it nowadays is realizing I can't go quite as far as I used to, meaning I can make it out, but I need help getting back. I'm trying to keep as much muscle as I can, but it can only really make you the strongest version of yourself rather than prevent muscle loss over time if that makes sense. I can push myself through a 3 mile wheelchair run, but I can't sit up reliably in my wheelchair without more support. Someday I won't be able to do the wheelchair runs, but when that happens there's powerchair football. (soccer)

#mitochondrial myopathy #mitochondrial disease #Muscular Dystrophy

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #45

NOTE: I may add screenshots later, if I feel like it. Read if you want, but be warned; it has no pictures.

previously - Journal Entry #44 (part six)

Yuri

Everyone survived the weekend.

I don't mean for that to sound offhanded or flippant. What I mean is, It was a tough weekend for Victor and me, but our friends didn't find it particularly pleasant either, nor did our families. Today is Wednesday, and the first part of the week hasn't really been any easier than the weekend, but we're all still here and hanging on as best we can.

Everyone's been calling and texting me to find out how Victor's doing. Sakura, Seiji and Takahiro want to visit him, and so does my little sister Yuki, but he won't accept any visitors other than me. He says he doesn't want our friends to see him the way he is, and he especially doesn't want Yuki to. He's concerned the experience of visiting him in the hospital might upset her. I didn't bother to point out that Yuki has visited me on numerous occasions when I've been in the hospital. I'm sure she's never thought of it as fun, but she's never seemed any the worse for it, either.

I'm frustrated by this, because I think it would do Victor good to have some visitors other than me. But, I also understand that if he says he doesn't want visitors, we all have to respect that. Regardless of how badly all the people who love him want to see him and show their support, ultimately the decision is his.

As for his family, I've been talking to Dr. Grace and Dr. Julian, and to his soon-to-be stepsister Ellie. I haven't connected with Leo, but I'm sure Ellie is passing all the information on to him and his parents.

I didn't end up speaking to Dr. Grace at all on Friday, notwithstanding my numerous attempts to reach her. After I finished recording my journal entry on Friday night, I crawled into bed, so exhausted that I don't even remember pulling the blankets over myself before falling asleep. Apparently, Dr. Grace called after I was in bed. I hadn't even heard my phone, but Papa did. He answered it and explained to her what had happened.

According to Papa's retelling on Saturday morning of their conversation the previous evening, Victor's mother hadn't taken the news well at all, which was nothing less than I would've expected. Papa said it sounded as if she intended to get on the earliest flight she could, which didn't surprise me either.

By the time I finally spoke to her on Saturday evening, she seemed calm, although I could tell she was very worried. She said she wouldn't come unless we really needed her to, but she made me promise to give her daily updates until Victor was able to talk with her himself.

I spent almost the entire day on Saturday at the hospital with Victor, and most of Sunday as well. He didn't get to come home on Sunday like Dr. Sato had said, because when the nurses helped him out of bed around mid-morning and tried to get him to walk, he didn't even take one step before he said he was dizzy and felt like he was going to fall. They kept encouraging him to try again, but he was scared and wouldn't do it.

He made tentative progress on Monday, taking a few wobbly steps away from his bed before he panicked. Yesterday, he refused to get out of bed at all, and this morning Dr. Sato said she'd consider sending him home in a wheelchair if he isn't able or willing to walk by the end of the week. That, and she said she intends to refer him to a neurologist because, according to her, there's no medical reason why he isn't able to walk other than a neurological problem. She mentioned referring him to a psychologist as well, in case the problem isn't physiological. Victor's lackluster response to that had been, "Fine. Whatever you want to do."

The threat of having to see more specialists and having to be pushed around in a wheelchair hasn't motivated him. I thought it would, but unfortunately it's only made the situation worse. Victor seems resigned to the fact that he's going to continue to be poked, prodded and questioned by various strangers and that his recovery is going to be marked by challenges. I know he doesn't like it, but I think he's given up protesting anything and has just decided to let his circumstances happen to him rather than taking any sort of control over them himself.

After Dr. Sato left, a care assistant arrived with his breakfast tray, which contained a grilled cheese sandwich — his favourite — a small plate of fresh fruit, a bowl of vanilla yogurt, milk, and green tea. He doesn't have much dexterity with a cast on each forearm, but he can move his fingers enough to grip things or to hold a cup securely between both hands. Theoretically, he should have been able to manage at least the grilled cheese by himself, but he asked me to hold it for him instead. I didn't mind, but I would've been happier if he'd done more than nibble the corner off it.

He let me feed him a few bites of cut-up banana, but he didn't want anything else despite my coaxing and pleading with him to eat. He didn't want to drink his milk either, which he typically loves. I've never known him to start the day without a big glass of cold milk at breakfast, and it worried me that he didn't even have an appetite for that.

I ate a few pieces of banana and some apple slices, perhaps hoping in some odd way that if he noticed me consuming something voluntarily, it'd encourage him to eat as well. It didn't, but I opted to look on the bright side anyway. One of us got some benefit from the meal.

When it became obvious that Victor couldn't be persuaded to finish his breakfast, I carried the tray carefully across the room and set it on the little counter next to the sink.

Taking the cup of tea from the tray, I returned to my chair next to Victor's bed. While my back had been to him, he'd lain down again. His eyes were closed. I sipped the tea. It was scented with jasmine and reminded me of my mother.

"You know you can't keep going on like this," I said.

"Like what?" he mumbled.

"You know exactly what. You need to eat, and you need to get up and start moving.

"I'm not hungry," he said.

"Will you eat when you actually are hungry?" I asked.

"I guess."

This was not a particularly resounding reply, but I let it go. I had to tell myself that missing one or two meals wasn't going to hurt him. If he still didn't want to eat by tomorrow, that'd be a different story, but I resolved not to stress myself out about it in advance. I was already tired and stressed enough.

I finished my tea and tried to think of something to say that didn't involve the hospital or Victor's state of health. Neither of us typically has to search for things to talk about with each other, but for the past few days, most of our conversations have felt strained and awkward.

"I've been thinking about the new house," I said.

"Uh-huh."

"I found an app that lets you upload pictures and then pick colours so you can see what they'll look like in the room. I used some of the photos Kim and Robert sent us to plan out my bedroom."

"We're still moving?"

"Of course we're still moving," I said. "Why wouldn't we?"

"I don't know if I want to any more," Victor said.

I was momentarily stunned. "Going to Willow Creek was your idea."

"No, it was your idea," he said.

"All right, maybe it was, but I wanted to do it for you. I suggested it because I thought you wanted to go home, to be with your family and friends, and everything you grew up with."

"It's not what you want."

"I want to be with you," I told him. "I don't care where we are."

I probably shouldn't have been surprised when he began to cry. If I've learned anything about Victor since we've been together, it's that he can become teary at the slightest provocation. "I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything hard. All I want is to go home and sleep in my own bed."

"But, you just said—"

"No... home. To our house," he said. "Can you please take me home?"

"I want you to come home. When the doctor says you can go, I'll take you."

"I don't want to stay here."

I placed my empty cup on the floor, and then pulled my chair closer to the bed. "Listen to me for a second, okay?" I said, caressing his cheek with the back of my hand. "I know you don't want to stay here, and I really want to bring you home. But if you don't want to leave in a wheelchair, Dr. Sato needs to know that you can walk at least as far as from your bed to the bathroom. Do you think you can do that?"

"I can't."

"Can you tell me why you can't?"

"Because," he said, as more tears spilled down the sides of his face and onto my fingers. "I'll mess it up. Like I mess up everything."

"Victor, look at me." I moved my hand up to stroke his head, gently pushing back unkempt locks of silver hair. "You do not mess up everything. You're strong and capable and there are lots of things you do really well. Don't I always tell you that?"

"To be nice."

"No, not just to be nice. I say it because it's true."

"What can I do? I can't feed myself or dress myself. I can't even see like a normal person."

"None of that is going to be forever." I did my best to reassure him. "You'll get better, and you'll be able to do everything you used to do."

"What if I don't get better?"

"You will. Your arms and your rib will heal, and then you can start exercising again and doing all the things you like. You were going to teach me how to lift weights, remember? We can build up our strength together."

"But... what if my eyes don't get better?" he asked. "What happens then?"

I closed my own eyes for a moment. This was the question to which I didn't want to contemplate the answer. I'd look after of him, of course. Whatever he needed, I'd do it to the best of my ability, but that wasn't the real issue. The difficulty lay in the psychological impact that even a partial loss of vision would have on him if it were permanent. He was already miserable and distressed. I could only imagine what would happen to him if his vision didn't improve.

"We have to think positively." It was a stupid thing to say, and I knew it before the sentence had completely left my mouth. Victor didn't need to hear useless platitudes. I pulled in a breath and let it out slowly. "But, if things don't improve, we'll find a way to cope. I'll take care of you."

"You're not supposed to be taking care of me," he said, and it came out sounding like a mixture of anger and defeat. "I'm supposed to be taking care of you, but if I can't do what you need, then what's the point?"

"Victor," I said softly. "I love you. I need you. Anyone can cook for me and organize my medications, but only you can understand me and love me the way you do, and you don't need 20/20 vision for that."

He didn't respond for a long time. He just lay there and wept. The low moaning sound of it was horribly familiar to my ears because it was almost exactly the same sound that comes out of me when I'm exhausted and in unbearable pain and wishing I could simply slip away into nothingness.

Seeing Victor in that state was hard, not just because it broke my heart to know how much he was suffering, but also because I understand how humiliating it is to feel so helpless and weak. It's not a new feeling for me, yet I still hate it. I could only imagine how much worse it must have been for Victor, who's used to always being the strong one.

After a few minutes he quieted, and I thought he might've been falling asleep, but then he opened his eyes wide and stared straight at me. I could tell he was struggling to focus on my face. His expression was like that of someone afraid of heights who’d been forced to the edge of a sheer cliff, and I wished desperately that there was something I could do to pull him back from the threshold of that abyss.

"I'm scared," he said, his voice diminished by his tears. "Angry and disappointed, and... I don't know. Stupid for wrecking everything."

"You're not stupid."

What else would you call it, when this whole mess is my own fault?"

"It's not your fault. "I reached out and began to stroke his hair again. "I know you're angry and scared. It's okay to feel like that."

"No, it's not."

"I promise it is," I said. "No one's telling you you're not allowed to be upset. You have every right to feel the way you do. The hospital's a scary place, and not being able to predict what'll happen in the future is scary, too."

"I want things to go back to the way they were."

"Me too," I admitted. "I have to believe they will."

"I want to, but I don't think I can really believe they will, and..." He let the sentence drift away, unfinished. When he finally continued, his voice wavered a little. "I... I can't live like that, being a burden to everyone."

"You'll never be a burden to me," I assured him.

He sighed. "You won't always say that."

"Why would you think that?"

"Maybe in a few weeks or a month or two, you won't mean it any more," he said. "When you're in pain and not feeling good, and you're exhausted from doing stuff for me that I can't do for myself, you'll say I'm a burden."

"Victor—"

"It's not a criticism," he said. "It's just how it'll be. We both know that."

"If I can't do everything, we'll get someone else to help us," I said. "We could—"

"Yuri, stop."

"What?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he said. "If nothing changes with my eyes, I'll be useless. I won't be able to look after myself or you. That's it. There's no more to say."

"Maybe for the first little while you won't be able to, but you can learn different ways to do things, and like I said, we can get someone else to help us."

"No," he said. "I'm not going to spend the rest of my life groping and shuffling around, and relying on somebody else to do stuff for me. I'd rather not even be around than to live like that."

"Victor, please don't say that."

"I don't want to discuss it any more," he said. "Anyway, whatever happens, you'll be okay. Your parents will make sure you're all right."

"But, you—"

"I'm done talking about it."

"Okay, you're right," I conceded. "We probably shouldn't be trying to discuss this right now. Do you want me to read to you, or put on some music?"

"No," he said. "I just want to sleep."

"Okay," I agreed.

"What are you going to do?"

"I might go home and work for a few hours, and take the dogs for a walk. I'll come back in time to help you with your lunch."

"You're not going to stay with me?"

"Should I stay and watch you sleep?" I inquired.

"I guess not," he said. "It's just... I hate it here, and if you're not going to take me home, then I feel like staying with me so you're still here when I wake up is the least you can do."

"You know I'd take you home right this minute if the doctor said I could."

"Just tell her you're doing it. She can't force me to stay."

"That's true, but you know she has a good reason for keeping you here this long."

"What does she expect?" he demanded. "I can't walk if I can't see. If I'm going to be an invalid, I might as well be comfortable in my own bed, right?"

I could have argued that such an assertion was absolutely silly. There are loads of people with low vision walking around independently and confidently every day, and some who are even completely blind. As a matter of fact, there was a guy in my class at school with low vision. As far as I know, he can only see light and colour from one eye, and has just barely enough vision in the other to read large print, but not only did this guy do nearly everything the rest of us did, he was also a competitive swimmer and he was obsessed with climbing. For most of us, the highlight of our final year of high school was graduation. For Tatsuki Yamashiro, apparently the crowning moment of final year was an epic climb to the summit of Yukimatsu.

It wouldn't have done any good to tell Victor any of that, though.

"What is it going to take to motivate you?" I asked.

He didn't answer me for several seconds, and I tried to guess whether he was thinking about it or whether he was deliberately ignoring me. After what felt like a full minute or more, he said, "I want my mom."

"All right," I said. "Do you want to call or FaceTime with her? Your phone's here."

"FaceTime," he echoed, sounding as incredulous as if I'd asked him to do something outrageous, like fighting a snow leopard with his bare hands. "FaceTime? How the hell am I even supposed to use my phone, much less try to see my mom on FaceTime?"

"I'll help you use your phone,' I said. "You can still talk, and she might like to see you."

"Just call her yourself and tell her I need her," he said. "Ask her to come here, if she can. I know it's a lot, and she probably can't, but she's the only one who..." Evidently realizing he was about to say something that was probably going to be hurtful to me, he stopped abruptly. "Sorry."

Against my better judgment, my mind leapt to fill in the rest of the sentence. She's the only one who I trust enough to take care of me. She's the only one who doesn't expect anything from me. She's the only one who never lets me down.

"Don't worry about it," I said, but my tone rang hollow, even to me.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, and then quietly, "See? I am messing up everything."

Contradicting him again would've been pointless. Instead, I said, "I'm sure your mother will come to take care of you. Is there anything else you want me to tell her?"

"I don't know. I can't even think right now. My head hurts," he said. "I want to go to sleep and stop trying to deal with any of this. It's too much."

"Okay," I said. "Do you want me to stay?"

"No," he said. "You can go. It's fine."

But of course it wasn't fine. We both knew that. "I won't leave you if you don't want me to."

"Go. There's nothing else you can do here. Like you said, it'd be dumb and pointless to sit around and watch me sleep when you could be working."

"That isn't what I said."

"Get out of here and do something productive with the rest of your day," he said. "The rest of your week. Come back when the doctor says she's discharging me. Or not. Whatever you want."

"If you're sure—"

"Yuri, just... get the hell out of here before one of us loses it, okay? You've obviously got better things to do than to hang around here and pretend you understand what I'm going through. You can't possibly get how it feels to realize you wrecked your whole life with one dumb choice."

But, I did know. I do know.

I left the hospital feeling guilty, as if I'd abandoned Victor, although he was the one who'd asked me to leave. At the same time, I was reproaching myself for feeling hurt over what had transpired between us in his room, because I should have known it would come to this point eventually.

Even now, when I'm stronger than he is, Victor won't allow me to be the person he leans on. I'm willing to do whatever is necessary, but despite everything, it seems that he doesn't want my help and doesn't trust me to look after him. I suppose we've established a pattern in our relationship by now, though, and he's always going to see me as weak and unreliable, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

The worst part is, I only have myself to blame because I've never been able to adequately communicate to him how much I love him and want to take care of him. No matter how many times I say it, and no matter what I do, it's never been enough to convince him. Maybe I should've tried to be more self-sufficient during my own periods of illness, fought harder to function through the sometimes debilitating pain and tried to do my share instead of letting him do everything for me. Perhaps that would've proved that my intentions have never been only to take without giving in return, and that I actually am capable of giving.

I can't cry. As desperate as I am to release everything inside me, years of conditioning are keeping me from it, even when I'm by myself. I expect I'll reach a breaking point eventually, but I guess I haven’t gotten to it yet, and who will be there to comfort me when I do? Not Victor. I can't go to him with my troubles like I normally would. He has way more than enough of his own.

The irony isn't lost on me that the only person in the world besides my mother, whom I trust enough to lower all my personal barriers with, doesn't seem to have even a fraction as much trust in me.

How could he say he loves me, and yet not trust me? As I walked across the snow-dusted hospital parking lot to the sanctuary of my car, a malicious little voice in the back of my mind whispered that my initial instincts had been correct. I've never been worthy of anything I craved, it said. I was inadequate, undependable, unlovable.

No, that's not true! I wanted to scream at that horrible, anxiety-filled part of my brain. Of course Victor loves me. He wouldn't have come halfway around the world and given up all his former plans and dreams for someone he didn't love. He wouldn't stay with me and tend to all my needs and be so patient and gentle with me if I weren't important to him.

Then it occurred to me that his lack of trust must be due to something else. It isn't about how much he loves me at all. I reasoned that it must stem from a question of how much he thinks I love him.

There's no way to define the depth of my love for Victor. He cared about me when I didn't even care about myself, and rescued me from a life so empty of joy and light that I'd actually considered ending it. He taught me how to trust, how to have faith in others, and how to love unconditionally and without restraint. He taught me what safety and happiness feel like. I would do anything for him. I'd move Yukimatsu itself, if I could, and if I thought it would make any difference.

The idea that he might somehow doubt my devotion to him is crushing, but I can't blame him. It's on me for not doing more or saying more to demonstrate it. And now he's frightened, confused and angry, and in no frame of mind to listen or be rational. He's not going to believe anything I tell him now.

It's not Victor who's messed up everything. It's me.

#ts4 #sims 4 #eagames #snowy escape #victorandyuri #Victor Nelson #Yuri Okamoto #tw hospital #tw injury #victorsworldadventures #stargazersims

[tarlos-spain]

You smell like love

Chapter 18

The week passed quickly. TK was recovering little by little and although the pain in his belly from the cesarean was enormous, he was soon able to go to the bathroom by himself, after all it was only twenty steps and even though he was in a wheelchair he spent time every day with the twins. Luna came out of the incubator and was placed in a transparent crib in their room, where she spent all her time, except when it was time to check on the babies.

Daniel, on the other hand, was getting stronger and both his hip and leg were getting stronger, the compression garment was doing its job well and the pediatricians told them that they could take him and Luna home as soon as TK was discharged.

However, the doctor had been very clear and direct with him.

"You need to rest. You just gave birth to twins. C-section is never an easy thing and as much as it is the fastest way to bring babies into the world, compared to the natural part, it is a very traumatic operation for the body."

"But I can breastfeed the twins right?"

"You can yes, but we are talking about two creatures that will feed from you and yes, they are literally going to ask you, no, demand double the milk, double the effort. You have to be careful, we don't want you to fall into anemia."

"It won't be that big of a deal, lots of creatures that love, have twins and don't end up anemic." TK said and laughed, thinking the doctor was being a bit over the top and trying to scare him.

But the doctor just stared at him seriously, walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. He looked at the two of them, Carlos wouldn't leave TK's side.

"Guys, I've been assisting men and women in their pregnancies, deliveries and the first weeks and months for over ten years. I've seen everything and the most normal thing in multiple births is a parent desperate to be all-powerful, able to move, do, come and go, feed their babies and on top of that have the time and strength to take care of their partner and the rest of their family."

TK readily acknowledged himself, because that was precisely what he wanted, to do it all, to be able to do it all and on top of that he felt bad about getting tired after a few minutes of doing something.

#tarlos #carlos reyes #tk strand #Mpreg #Pregnant TK #babies #family #Twins #911 lone star fic #omegaverse

[stitchthesewords]

Here's some fun, non-to-lightly spoilery Rift AU thoughts for everyone!

So Ren in Rift AU is inspired by the faon interpretation [maybe closer to canon? I havent watched s7] of Mayor Scar mixed w the Red King from 3rd Life - Specifically, Ren is inspired by @mochiwrites's Scar in her Good Crimes AU [Which if you haven't read you ABSOLUTELY should]. I just love how she wrote Scar to be publicly one way and Privately another, and while I certainly don't imagine that Ren the King is quite as beloved, the inspiration is there.

Originally, Rift AU was tagged w Watcher Grian but I changed that because I want to mess with the Rift as it's own separate force and leave the Watchers for something else. I think the Watchers [And Listeners! *looks at Martyn*] function more as an ancient, ANCIENT religion, maybe even older than the ancient cities.

Also another original idea that's been put to the side for now is that the Warden was a watcher - I don't know where I was originally going with that idea, but it was my first pivot after deciding Grian wasn't going to be the watcher.

For anyone curious, and because I don't know if I'll name it directly in the stories or just leave it more ambiguous, I'm basing Scar's mobility issues and chronic pain off my own experiences with Cerebral Palsy, among other things. I have a very mild for of Cerebral Palsy that left me with a weaker right side and mobility issues and I absolutely wanted to make sure Scar was still disabled even if he isn't wheelchair bound. I imagine that he certainly has a wheelchair for bad days, but those would be like. Really bad days. The staff - to - cane that he has, made out of the same magical wood as his tree, is probably good for most of the sort of bad days.

Rift AU actually started as a way for me to explore sculk and ancient cities in fiction, which is funny given that we are now 17k in and counting with no mention of either. I have plans for it, but the story needed more work up than I was originally anticipating, which is great! I'm really enjoying returning to my roots with fanfiction, which is the whole reason I started writing Rift AU in the first place

Obviously I'm sort of picking and choosing what elements from hermitcraft [and the life series] I want to include in Rift AU but I am a little bit grumpy that I started writing it before I really fully understood the king plot [When I started, I had only watched Grian and Etho. Now I've caught up on Ren, Impulse, Mumbo, and Cleo, with plans to watch Pearl, Tango, Zedaph, and Doc next. I also really want to watch Beef and Iskall lol] because now I really wanna jam the whole royal council shenanigans in there and I'm not gonna be able to without probably retconning Scar and Ren's relationship which I refuse to do!

Obviously, Mumscarian and Treebark are in the story, and there's also going to be platonic Soup Group and platonic Team ZITS [bc. Skizz deserves to be here. I love him]. I won't tell you ALL of the pairings that end up in the story because a. I feel like we're be here all day but b. some of them are spoilers but I AM planning on having Solidaritek [Apparently team ranchers is only for platonic or something???] and ZedBeef and also Ethubs all make their own appearances. There might even be some like short stories following a few of the other couples in the story because I have attachments to Ethubs in particular. IDK if you can tell but Etho is my favorite hermit and I used to watch him all the way back in 2011 on his singleplayer world. I remember the boat dispenser. My baby girl.

One of these days I will genuinely type up an essay about my latent energy theory but in case anyone else is interested here's a very short tldr version: Redstone, Glowstone, End Rods, debatably sculk [I havent decided if it falls into the same category yet tbh], etc etc all power themselves via latent energy. That latent energy is compatible with electricity in some way, as evidenced by the fact that lightning rods can be used to power redstone machines, but it's different. More in between electricity and magic - either because it actually is or because it's not as understood by the people who work it. That same latent energy is the stuff magic feeds off, like is seen in Changing of the Season to help rejuvenate Scar. Whatever it is is old. Older than the Ancient Cities since they knew to build redstone machines to distract the Warden. It's older than the end cities, too, since end rods exist. Arguably it has always been and will always be around in some way.

Also this might not interest anyone else but thoughts on vampires and elves. Vampires are more closely related to Zombies, whereas Elves [Who are Fae, which means the Vex are included here] are more closely related to Endermen than anything [<- that will come up again] - and then the Warden and sculk are like. Very distant cousins of vampires. Sort of. Their trees connect somewhere.

#Mumscarian Rift AU #Rift AU