#and if i delete everything snd kill myself then. no one would know

[corneliaelyce]

365 day story

This last year and a half of my life has been a wild ride. All I can say is I am so grateful for each & every day. The last year of my life has been all about growth. The six months prior to that was hell on earth for me. Fear engulfed my mind literally all the time. Fear of being alone, dying, & dying alone is what ran through my head in a constant loop. Whether it was the worry of when was going to die, I wanted to die, or how would dying feel. Every single person around me was angry & disappointed in me for “letting fear take over my life” or just though I was having anxiety and needed to “calm down”. Like they though that I was so excited to be afraid all the time, or that I wanted to be mentally and physically chained to my bed. Absolutely no one wanted to stick around to hold my hand or tell me I was going to be okay, especially not my ex who flat out ditched me. Showed up to my house sat on my bed said “this is over” & deleted me off everything in a matter of an hour & just left. You can be two people in this life. Someone who runs away or someone who faces life head on. Apparently he was the runner. Not once but twice. So I had one of two options. I could let the biggest break up/heartache of my life & months of hospital visits & being in the darkest place I’d ever been I side my head kill me, literally. Orrr I could come out on top and face ALL of my fears. I decided to face my fears. 365 days is what it took. To be proud of myself. To overcome my fear of death, driving on highways, of being COMPLETELY ALONE. You know that nervous knot in your stomach, when you’re scared to do something. Or that feeling when you’re heart rate is skyrocketing snd you wanna just sit down and be “comfortable” for a minute. Embrace it, everytime & then JUMP. & whenever you’ve become comfortable with whatever was making you nervous, try something else you’re scared of. Just fucking do it. Being alone, was the scariest thing for me in my whole entire fucking life. Not just alone like single but having no on there for me. If I passed out, had another episode with my heart, or if I was just scared & just having no one to flat out fucking care. Now? I love that feeling. The comfort of being alone is all too scary but comforting. Scary in that once you enjoy it you never want to let someone inside the little castle you built around yourself because you don’t want them to destroy it. & comforting because you know at the end of the day if someone else were to leave you, walk away & not want you that you have yourself. & that is so important. I never understood what “you have to love yourself before you love someone else” meant but I do now & it’s such a powerful feeling. Hold your own hand, be your own soulmate, water your own garden, buy yourself things, take care of YOU. I remember sitting back feeling so small and scared & sad wanting someone to save me. & then I realized I needed to save me. Be the most important person in your life, always.