#and idk if thats good for my eating disorder of if its just making it worse | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

genderkoolaid · 4 months

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How do you respond to people who try to argue against various gender affirming surgeries with anorexic people wanting liposuction? I tried to point out that theres a lot of gender affirming surgeries for cis people who dont feel feminine/masculine enough, but my sister said that those people need therapy too. I feel that there's a difference between trans people and anorexic people but idk how to put it into words, im scared i accidentally made her more transphobic bc i didnt have arguments :(

Good question! It's important to question and critique our ideas of what separates "good, natural desires which should not be changed" from "bad, unnatural desires which should be changed," and I think sometimes trans people are too quick to reaffirm this binary in our attempts to defend transness.

I would say that the difference here is based in anxieties. Anorexia is born out of anxiety- which is to say, a persist concern over something that triggers strong emotional reactions and which you keep returning to over and over and over without resolution. Dysphoria can and does cause anxiety, but you can be dysphoric without having anxiety over it. You can have dysphoria, find relief, and be satisfied with your body, while there is never any satisfaction point with eating disorders. There is always a feeling of "not enough" because the desire to be skinnier is born out of anxiety over what it means to be fat & fatness' place in society (lesser value, moral weakness, medical abuse, etc.).

Like I said, dysphoria can and does cause anxiety. There are trans people who obsess over their bodies being too masculine/feminine because they are concerned with what it means for them to be too masculine/feminine: it means they aren't real, they are ugly, they're failure. And this is why its important for trans people to sit with our dysphoria and analyze it. If you are constantly worrying about your body being "real" enough, no amount of surgery or HRT will fix that (although it may fix many things).

Now, I am generally against any solution thats like "we should stop Those People from doing x because We know whats best for them!" because autonomy is a vital part of my beliefs, and I think that people rarely ever react well to being banned from doing something Because Mother Knows Best. The real goal with, say, EDs, is to get rid of the artificial desire for thinness by combating fatphobia (ah, if only all the anti-ED campaigns out there did this). The same with plastic surgery: I would much rather we focus on dismantling the system that makes people (esp. perceived women) feel they need to make their bodies fulfill the beauty standard, than saying that plastic surgery is Evil and we should stop anyone from ever getting it, because those little people aren't capable of using their basic right to bodily autonomy correctly. When we ban something, what we really want is to change people's desires. But that requires cultural change, and laws don't create cultural change out of thin air. Its like how yelling at your kids doesn't make them more honest or better people, it just makes them better liars.

Given that trans people exist in every society, potentially going back to the Stone Age, even after we unwork systemic misogyny & homophobia, trans people are still gonna want surgeries. So we should just work on combating those things instead of trying to control people's bodies.

#m.#ask box #ed tw #anorexia tw #also unrelated but smth smth the way that link calls the presumed AMAB person trans #but the presumed AFAB person buried as a man is just. a woman who was likely a warrior. okay

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moodr1ng · 2 months

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(triggering ed thoughts under the cut)

when im in an Alright ed period for a while (like, might be doing emotional eating but no bingeing or intentional restriction mostly just a regular bad diet lol) i sometimes get like. these random thoughts of "i wanna go back to my ed, i want the focus and stimulation of ed thoughts, i want to go back to controlling and restricting and enjoying it" and im afraid this will follow me for the rest of my life tbh. like. even when i seem to be doing.. not necessarily great bc lets be real my relationship to food is FUCKED, like the only time in recent memory i have eaten normally for any period of time was the 4 days last week i was staying with friends and they graciously cooked meals for us and didnt ask me to help at all which i truly appreciate as much as i also feel guilty about being burdensome to my friends lol, but aside from that brief moment of normalcy i am never good about food and i cant remember a time i was.. but rn i am like. as normal as i get like. its mostly takeout and convenience store sandwiches and canned foods eaten straight out of the can but its not disordered eating its just a shit diet brought on by extreme depression + adhd which paralyzes me from taking the steps to make proper meals for myself. but its not like, the worst, yknow? and while im like this i keep having these thoughts that i liked myself better while actively in the eating disorder. and ik its gonna come back, it always does, there will inevitably be a time i will download like, fasting apps and calorie counting apps and start trying to eat as little as possible and weighing myself every day. ik its gonna come back. but the sick thing is that i want it to. because when i have that control and focus and that framework on my life and that sensation of achieving something and working towards something i just like myself better. thats the ugly truth. i just like myself better when im eating disordered. and its hard to convince myself not to go back to it, to try to tell myself that its not actually good for me, because it feels good. and when i lose weight from it everyone else tells me its good. so. idk. ik this is not an isolated experience bc ive been in like, ed spaces like discords and subreddits enough but i still feel alone with it bc those spaces are very impersonal, so if youve felt the same way feel free to say hi or whatever (no pressure to! ik its a very private thing)

#ed tw

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autistic-katara · 10 months

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ok finally making that writing post-

hi! i’m Ryan, or Raines_Adopted_Son on AO3. i write fanfic (mainly angst) and my inbox/dms/ao3 comments r always open for requests, here are some guidelines:

fandoms i will write for: (keep in mind i join new fandoms all the time so if theres a fandom u want me to write that isnt here that u think i like just ask, i probably forgot to update it // will say next to the fandom if ive written for it before or not)

Stranger Things (written for it before)

The Spiderverse Movies (written for it before)

The Owl House (written for it before)

Nimona (haven’t written before)

PJO/Riordanverse (including mcga and tkc // written for it before)

ATLA (including lok/the kyoshi novels // written for it before)

Heartstopper/Osemanverse (haven’t written before)

Jackson’s Diary (written for it before)

Bungou Stray Dogs (haven’t written before)

The Dragon Prince (have written but never posted)

Derry Girls (haven’t written before)

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (haven’t written before)

Good Omens (haven’t written before)

stuff i enjoy writing/specialise in:

shortish one-shots (1k-2.5k words // i would like to write longer and/or multichapter stuff, this is just my current level)

angst

hurt/comfort

heavier topics relating to mental health stuff (depression, eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal characters, etc.)

queer (specifically trans) stuff

stuff i feel uncomfortable writing/am unsure if i’m able to write it but wanna push my boundaries on: (aka send me requests but theres less of a chance i’ll write it)

nsfw stuff/smut

depictions of abuse (non-romanticised obv)

depictions of SA (specifically just the recovery tho, i am NOT writing non-con)

longer fics

multichapter fics

pure fluff (idk if i’m able to write smthn w/o angst 😭)

stuff i will not write: (do not ask me to write this stuff :))

nsfw/smut of characters under the age of 15 (that being my current age // still kinda iffy abt characters 15-17 but yk)

stuff that romanticises things like SA or abuse

any ships where both a) at least one of the characters is a minor and b) the age gap is canonically 3 years or more (emphasis on canonically, looking at u punkflower antis)

incest

other stuff i wasn’t sure how to fit in:

when it comes to depicting types bigotry or hate or whatever theres some stuff i feel comfortable including and some stuff i dont (obviously in a non-romanticised way as just like part of what a character experiences):

homo/transphobia, i’m fine with including this, i am queer + trans and feel like i could sensitively depict those topics.

racism/xenophobia, i dont rlly feel comfortable writing abt this stuff given that i’m white i rlly dont think id be able to write that stuff properly like at all.

ableism/saneism, depends on the type tbh, maybe subtle ableism to an autistic character (i am autistic) and casual ableism to a chronically ill character (i am chronically ill) but other than that ehhhh

antisemitism, while i am Jewish and have experienced it myself, for personal reasons i’m not comfortable writing stuff including it, even if its subtle and not a big thing (other kinds of religious discrimination i wont write simply cause idk enough about allat and dont wanna be insensitive abt it)

thats all i could think of for that one but next thing: i dont like AUs. its not like i hate them or anything, and if i time traveled to the future and found out i learned to love them i would be ecstatic since thats more fics for me, but for some reason i just don’t enjoy reading/writing them (excluding canon divergence, i wouldn’t mind writing a fic with canon divergence // didn’t wanna put this in the hard-no section cause again its not like they’re smthn i hate or am disgusted by or anything, i just don’t find them appealing)

also if u dont know what i ship/what ships id be ok w/ writing just ask, a couple of them should be clear based on what i rb/post tho lmao (still if u gotta ask, ask)

anyways yeah thats all i could think of for now, i probably forgot smthn important so i might edit this later + lmk if u have any questions srsly id love to answer :)

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cassthefrassreviews · 1 year

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Wednesday- Netflix Show Review (spoilers duh)

Alright, i watched the show. Did i like it? Eh!! Will i still participate in fandom? Yes!

Show rating: 3 stars??

Right off the bat you can tell the only good actor in this show is the main character. Jenna Ortega 100% did this role amazingly, and was my second favorite character (first being Thing ofc). Everyone elses acting ranged from mid to just straight up not good? Not to mention like jesus the cast either looks 12 or late 20s, is this highschool, middle school or college?? And dont get me started on the MAIN MALE LEADS ACTING??? Tyler played by Hunter Doohan, deadass sounds like a shitty anime dub protagonist. And by GOD did that get on my nerves. I will say either the acting is better or more tolerable by the end of the season but thats most likely due to the fact the screen time mainly shifts onto the main character Wednesday. Which im fine with.

I love Wednesday, i love her so much. She is so autistic coded, just like me for real. Jennas portrayal is amazing. Line delivery, body language, everything down to the tea for amazing it was.

The writing...... yeah the writing..... yeah no..... Its not great, it feels like they only focused on making Wednesdays lines good and give 0 shits about anyone else. Some moments are great i wont lie, but alot of the writing comes off as???? Eh??? And the actors definitely didnt help carry the writing. Maybe with a different cast, it wouldn't have been so hard to watch.

The show starts off with a very strong pallet of "how do you do, fellow kids?" and honestly has one of the worse hooks ive ever seen. Social media being shoved down are throats and a couple of ad placements throughout the first episode, i was expecting a full on "HEY BUY THE LATEST IPHONE, EAT SOME DORITOS AND SHOP AT OLD NAVY" type of ads like the Addison Rae movie. Like oooooooooooof, thankfully they tone that down, but its still very obvious in some scenes.

SPOILERS BELLOW

Shows like this always make me feel weird where they have "outcast" "normie" type stuff. And yeah it was.... ?????? Man idk lmao. This show did alot of stereotypes and ???? stuff?? throughout it, that was honestly very weird? Like for example Enid isnt able to transform into a werewolf, and her mom wants to send her to.... wait for it.... CONVERSION THERAPY??? Are we serious??? And its like this long awkward scene that felt like a coming out scene of her turning down conversion therapy, and her mom storming out and her dad saying how proud he is and he will always support her....... like deadasss???? AND THEN!!! SHE ENDS UP "WOLFING OUT" AT THE END ANYWAYS????? So like are you serious??? They dealt with it like it was a coming out thing and it was a puberty thing and alsoa disability, so that was icky!!!

A HUGE ICK IS IN THE ENDING???? We find out what a hyde is and all of a sudden Wednesday finds out that Tylers mom, oh my god, was a HYDE!!! So she confronts him and let me just quote this scene for yall"

Wednesday: "Her postpartum depression triggered her condition"

Tyler: "My mom has severe bipolar disorder."

Wednesday: "We both now thats a lie..... She was a Hyde"

LIKE DID WE REALLY???? DID WE REALY JUST COMPARE A SEVERE MOOD DISORDER TO A CREATURE???? IN THE SHOW A HYDE IS DESCRIBED AND "UNLEASHED" By this: "artists by nature, but equally vindictive in temperament.” He wrote: “Born of mutation, the Hyde lays dormant until unleashed by a traumatic event or unlocked through chemical inducement or hypnosis."

Like???? what we arent going to do is compare an already severely stigmatized disorder to a literal monster. That is so fucked up??? On so many levels????

There were a couple good moments in the show, and i did really like watching the friendship between Enid and Wednesday blossom. Any scene with Thing was good and also the scenes with Eugene were pretty adorable. I do enjoy the way she does investigate and the mystery aspect is semi solid. Her visions are also portrayed very well and i like them. The fight scenes i would say are pretty well choreographed.

Wednesday has alot of autistic / neurodivergent traits, along with alot of the other characters and that is very fun to watch. Because omg me? Very relatable! Does put the whole "outcast" "normie" thing in a weird perspective tho huh?

Anways would i watch it again? No

Will i watch the second season? Yeah probably!!

Do I recommend it? EH??? If you can get through the first two episode and look past the cringey/ unbearable acting, then yeah go ahead. Its only 8 episodes, i finished it in a day, so if you just want the show in the background or youre bored sure. Again there are some captivating scenes but honestly none that are very hooking to me.

Anyways thats my review !!!

#wednesday #netflix wednesday #wednesday series #wednesday 2022 #netflix #review #show review #wednesday review #the adams family #adams family

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thatbitchsimone · 1 year

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you do a really bad job of pretending to not have an eating disorder

but do i have one tho? like eating causes me no distress and i enjoy food and i allow myself to eat whatever i want to eat and i dont have any food related anxieties or any bad or obsessive thoughts about food and i love my body and i prefer it to be neither under or overweight and somewhat in shape/fit bc thats when i feel and look my best. i get that it might have sounded worrying or suspicious when i mentioned that i have a tendency/bad habit to forget to eat and that i need to somewhat monitor my calories in order to get enough calories in bc yes that is not good at all but its something im aware of and actively put effort into fixing. idk why its not effortless for me to eat enough every day but i assume part of it is bc of my medication and part of it is that its just out of habit and maybe conveniece idk but i do try my best and hold myself accountable and responsible for hitting that recommended daily intake. is that disordered eating? i guess it might be in some ways bc like why do i have to make a concious effort in order to give my body the fuel it needs when it should just come natural like maybe something is broken there but thats probably where my meds fuck it up a little but i have ways to work around it like yeah i dont eat lunch but i eat extra at night to make up for it and it seems to be working bc my weight is stable and i have some nice muscle tone slowly coming back and thats a good sign that my body is getting what it needs.

like ofc the tendency to undereat is not ideal at all but its not on purpose like its something i do on accident if dont i keep myself in check and when i think of eating disorders i mostly think of anxiety around food, obsessive thoughts about food and ur body, addiction to starving, overwhelming desire to keep losing weight etc etc and i have none of that (thank god) so i dont think u can call me eating disordered. but idk maybe u know something i dont. maybe my relationship with food is fucked up without me realizing it. maybe i think about food too little than what is normal rather than too much and maybe that is an ed of its own. idk

#like i sort of do the OPPOSITE of restriction #dont i?#isnt eds all about restriction?#tw ed

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girlwithfish · 5 months

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Body image appearance discussion. tw for eds and dysmorphia and shit. and self harm and also sex tmi shit. idek. im contemplative bear w me

like basically i never was pretty as a kid or growing up. like idk i guess conventionally attractive people or if ur just "objectively" pretty ppl comment on that a lot if ur a girl like family members but i never really was complimented like that. if anything ppl just tore my appearance down in my family unintentionally or intentionally and i was bullied for my features as a kid and ppl commented on my nose a lot soooooooooo. i feel my really low self esteem just falls back into the whole like trauma of feeling like i shouldnt even exist bc of how i was raised and guilt instilled in u and all of the feelings of alienation socially and bc of my appearance and ethnicity and just who i was. i wasnt really pretty as a teenager either and when i was 18 and started actually exploring sexuality more idk i still felt like im not really pretty and its why i like never believe anyone who compliments me and i dont really get complimented on appearance much anyway so. and also the disordered eating borderline anorexia phase i had when i was 12-14 where i would like take ice baths and restrict and write my goal weight it was kind of fucked up ngl like i didnt rly damage myself physically like i didnt lose much weight but ik the mindset was very damaging and i just like did not feel good bc i had no energy bc i was starving myself LMAOOO anyway that definitely still carries w me even now even tho im better w it but still very much struggle w eating but thats more a depression dysfunctional thing i guess. and when i started getting more sexual i guess like i equate sex and love a lot sometimes i even feel like i cant be pretty but at least im somewaht attractive body wise and im good at fucking like is that crazy idk like sexual validation makes me feel loved and i dont feel like i am actually pretty or pleasant looking or nice looking so the most i can have is like my body is ok . and when i was a kid i used to want to cut my vagina lips off lmaoo cuz i iddnt know what outies were lmfao and shit and ive been having intrusive thoughts like that lately just bc im like really depressed and not having any sex and my relationship is not intimate anymore and i havent even masturbated bc ive been too depresse and i also think masturbating as a girl is kinda annoying like i wanna be in BED not like do it in the bathroom bc i have a big ass rabbit vibe that looks like an alien gun. like if u have a dick u can just jack off in the bathroom or something and its quiet yk???? but like w a vibe its ANNOYING. like i need to be completely alone and i live w someone so like thatsh ard. if i had a dick i would jack one off in the bathroom LMAO. im sexually frustrated and shit and feel like if im not sexual at all im just like ugly and something idk. But also not evne in the mood for sex bc im soooooo depressed. and also im very physical in romantic relationships but not w anyone else idk what thats all about. My mentality has always been if theyre being physically affectionate w me theres no way or little chance they can be mad at me. also i really hate porn and od not like watching it i havent really in yrs cuz i just didnt care for it after i started having long term partner sex cuz im crazy like that like i dont evendesire looking at other ppl when im in a relationship. yk. and i kinda disagree w porn just cuz ive seen waht it does to straight men and u hear so many stories. and it makes me uncomfortable to see ppl have sex i realized. i only like seeing myself have sex LMAOO. im like sexual but in a private way. and i have a weird relationship to sex and my body and shit. idek. its cuz im like ed core also not white also unconventional looking and idk was a late blooemr sexually a little so. IDEK. but yeah im trying to have a healtheir relationship to how i view myself but its fucking hard

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willcamposleftnut · 7 months

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hi vik!

i just wanted to scoot in here and ask smth rq!! this is not an admonishment i’m just curious /gen

is there a reason skinny people have to be put down to lift fat people? like! idk personally i think body positivity should include All bodies big middle and small. if we’re skinny shaming people for their bodies we’re still commenting on how they look which can. really. have negative effects (as a person w eating issues)

plus like!! skinny is not always a choice just as fat is not always a choice. pre-diagnosis type 1 diabetics or people with overactive metabolisms or people who were in bad environments and developed an eating disorder just. idk it feels a little weird that body positivity (esp on tumblr) is Only about fat people it feels counterintuitive

this is all /nm /gen i am just!!! curious okay have a good day :D

Hi anon! I'm not quite sure what post you might be talking about, so I've scrolled through all my reblogs from the pst 24 hours to find all the posts about fat/skinny people to try and find the problem. If its not one of these post you were talking about feel free to send me the link of the one you were talking about, or that made you want to ask me this.

I don't think this is making fun of skinny people, just pointing out art often over exaggerates skinniness to an extreme, making people think any drawing where a woman isn't incredibly tiny is a "plus sized" drawing even though irl they would be considered skinny.

This one doesn't mention skinny people at all, just saying how some people from cultures out side of the us often like to dog pile on the idea "all Americans are fat and that makes them gross haha" which is a complete dog shit take for many reasons. I also say in the tags that we should not make fun of anyone for what they eat or how much they eat, that includes skinny people and people who only eat "healthy" foods, and people who don't eat a lot.

I mean both fat bitches and skinny bitches alike can not cast fireball. Sadly. There should be more fat bitches casting fireball in video games tho

I'm pretty sure this might be the one that made you upset, it has a much meaner tone then the rest. But it's also not making fun of skinny people. It's saying "if you reblog fat positive posts, just to say something along the lines of "i agree but im sooo small and skinny and tiny! But i agree!" You are scared of being seen as fat. And yes, I do understand that ED's play a real role in this, I have two teen sisters who both have ED's and last summer I only let myself eat anything other them sugar free mints and black coffee once every three days I have both expected and seen first hand what ED's do. But that doesn't excuse the fact going on a fat positive post and showing everyone you are scared of being confused for a fat person can make fat people also scared about being seen as fat. It can also make anyone thats still pretty skinny or small thats even a bit bigger then you scared that maybe they are "too big"

I am really genuinely sorry if any I have personally said or reblogged has made you mad or hurt you anon. I don't think anything I've recently said was anti skinny or trying to make skinny people feel bad for there weight. Again if it wasn't one of these posts you were concerned about please send it to me so I can try and understand more of where you are coming from

/gen hope you have a good day too anon!!:3

#goblin mode #tw ed #tw eds #tw weight #ed descussion #ed #eds #weight #ed discussion #tw ed discussion

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girlfromplut0 · 11 months

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a short letter

hi friends ! wanted 2 share a couple thoughts nd ideas with u if thats alright . ive been finding it really hard to connect with people lately , everyone seems so far away . idk if its dissociation from ptsd or just growing apart but it feels like there is a lot of distance between me n a lot of ppl in my life . n idk thats a bit strange . i feel like a stranger in a lot of places where i used 2 feel like an important piece . i suppose thats what happens when u grow , some things make less sense but eventually things will make sense again . most things dont make sense anymore honestly . even typing this i dont really feel real . dissociation has been really hard for me . after getting out of an abusive relationship its been hard to feel how i think things used to feel (and even on tumblr im kind of scared of saying those words out loud, im really afraid of that person even though i dont want to let that fear control me). idk ptsd is really scary . its not like anything ive faced before in my life . people tell me it gets easier and i believe them but a part of me is scared that things just keep making less and less sense . but in another way , every problem you face u have the wisdom and growth of every problem u have faced before at ur back . i used to have an eating disorder but cooking has become a super important part of my life , and i think im really good at it and its been rewarding to share that with my mom and people i love . im the highest weight ive ever been in my entire life and ive for the most part overcome my disorder and eating related trauma . so even if im sad and disconnected from people , at least i am giving my body the fuel it needs to continue living . i haven't spoken about really any of this in public and i guess this kind of secret tumblr acc feels safe for me to be a bit more candid and long form for once . i can't really use twitter in that way anymore , mainly for boundaries and mental health reasons . but yeah i guess a lot of things have been strange lately . idc if nobody rly gets my music anymore . even if it doesnt appear to be , if u see it as jus being like flexing or some shit whatever , it is like a deep expression of a lot of emotions im feeling . n i dont feel the need to explain it 2 anyone i prefer 2 let my art speak for itself . my art is the only place i feel like i can be free and honest and genuine nd create something that is a true expression of myself and that matters more 2 me than anything else . a lot of ppl i kno wld be lost w/o seeing a bunch of numbers . but when u making music for someone else u have already lost , u have chosen to surrender your space to what u are guessing someone else wants . no truly meaningful art can come from a place like that . sharing a little song i made , was produced by maiden who is an incredibly talented and kind soul nd i will link their sc under this u should listen 2 their songs ! im not sure if this song will ever be a part of something larger but since u read my long rambling thing i wanted 2 share one of my favorite songs ive made , in case its never on anything else . thank u for caring about my art and supporting me. often the love i feel from all of you overpowers the discord in my mind. and even if my art is made for myself, seeing that this expression of myself connects with so many people is deeply deeply meaningful to me. im excited and incredibly grateful for the opportunity to connect with as many of you as i can during tour next month. if you see me around before or after the show feel free to say hi, your support means so so much. i love you - meadow (pluto)

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flockofdoves · 2 years

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finally finally finally(!!!) got to go to have my first appointment with my new primary care doctor after her having such a long waiting list (even though it still was way shorter than other doctors ppl in a local lgbt fb group recced as being good with fat patients) and then having my first scheduled appointment last may canceled due to her having a family emergency

and god. started tearing up afterwards. ive never had such a good doctors appointment in my life.

she ordered the tests i asked about and gave me the sleep doctor referral i needed but then also went above and beyond and was thorough with ordering even more tests for stuff that occurred to her

it was so validating like i was trying to step around like ‘a friend with sleep apnea really encouraged me to look into getting a sleep study done and i already did one of those take home ones where you tape a little thing around your finger last year and it was negative but idk i thought maybe if possible i’d want to look into it still in case its something beyond obstructive sleep apnea’ and she was like yes of course! but then also asked ‘did the test you did at home come with any head gear?’ and when i was like ‘no just the finger thing the uhhh. blood oximetry light thing’ she was like ‘pshhh the only decent at home tests have head gear, thats nothing! and of course even then it doesnt look into a whole lot of other sleep issues’ which god. was sooooo affirming

and she was so upfront about the referral like ‘look. most sleep specialists around here are old cis white men who can be super intimidating and i’ve had issues with them misgendering my patients, if you tell me something like that happens i’ll always advocate for you, i’ve done it before, but just know that even if they dismiss you in the moment, while you shouldn’t have to go through that, you’re just there to get the results of those tests and i can help you advocate for what you need from there. not saying that to scare you off from doing it at all i’m writing the referral right now! but just i feel like to be responsible even if i know that type of doctor isn’t something new to most people, i still should give you that warning. i’d definitely recommend bringing a friend to your appointment with them if you can’

i know from people saying in the fb group that she is lgbt herself, but in addition to that the way she mentioned neurodivergence and me being autistic when referencing my medical history and also connecting it to other stuff i feel like she also has personal experience w that herself it was really cool

and god i still eased into it a bit despite literally going to her bc ppl said she practices HAES but the way she just seemed to totally Get all my stuff with my atypical restrictive eating disorder and experience with fatphobia in recovery and never mentioned my bmi and unprompted (when describing another medical concept with it as a relevant example) dismissed the idea of intentional weight loss diets as healthy for anyone

and both was really responsive to and appreciative of me just coming with a list of stuff i was thinking about and advocating for myself but then also suggested certain diagnoses as stuff to look into based on just like. normal listening to me without me even trying to feed information to passively hopefully get care which was so affirming bc it was all stuff i’d been curious about if could be the case for me but didn’t want to prioritize to look into above the main stuff i came with after not having a doctor for so long

also found out she also specializes in obgyn stuff so i dont even have to find another doctor for that!!

its slightly nervewracking that my follow up can’t be til december (also between that and her being pretty late to my appointment to help another patient, it makes me feel like. god. this system isn’t set up for good caring doctors to succeed. i hope she never gets burnt out or anything) fortunately i can at least do some of the blood work basically any time i’m free so thats cool

but god im just so grateful!!! holy shit!!! :)

#cpost

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pizzapizzadickz · 2 years

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#diary #personal #drugs tw #high #...ive apparently had my shirt on backwards for the last 4 hours or so?#...need i say more....#lmao i wasnt even that high im.just stupid it seems fuck man #disordered eating #eating disorder #im watching a documentary on a eating disorder clinic. its pretty good.#and idk i was thinking about the first time i really started restricting food. i was 15 and in a hell of a depressive episode.#and like most things back then i just thought why not? why not say you want just dont wanna eat. and throw away lunches #idk. it wasnt like i really wanted to be thin. generally i sorta like how i look if not for dysphoria.#but like. i guess i like the control. i like making things get smaller and smaller. reducing it all.#idk its not that bad. i cant be bothered to count calories usually. i just control how much i eat.#its the control thats the issue. the ocd really. its just another compultion for me in a way.

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raethethey · 11 months

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hey its me. rae. im fine. im just having a breakdown rn and uhh idk how to deal with that really. like in a healthier way. whenever i was little and had an overwhelming experience or a day filled with anxiety i would shut down and escape to my room and turn on music and hug my blankie. but like thats not really dealing with the issue yk, its ignoring it until i forget abt it and then it happens again sometime later. i get stressed over the little things and they pile up. but idk when the mountain ever topples bc i pile it up behind me if that makes sense. just throwing it over my shoulder yk.

read at your own risk. i delve deep into traumas.

i grew up in a sheltered house, lower middle class, religion available to me. i didnt show up to school and have teachers pull me aside and ask me questions abt my parents and home life. but i did have issues. i apparently had a mother who occasionally abused alcohol (i guess i blocked this out and thought she was just smiley a lot) i had a father who decided a belt was more efficient than his hand when disciplining us, soap mouth washing was normal, holding his hand over my sisters mouth so the neighbors wouldnt hear her absolute monster of a meltdown screams (she could scream/ i was sitting on my bed watching this and covering my ears as best i could) yes he let her breathe but she was 7(?) she would just take a breath to scream again. i witnessed holes in the wall but never a bruise on my mother or father. (thats when cps was called) (thats when i realised i would become a statistic kid someday). i witnessed so many tears and yelling and walking out the front door (or even getting out of the car on a highway exit in the middle of a state we didnt live in to get away from him) i witnessed my mother connect with the ladies at church who didnt wear big hoop earrings or high heels or gaudy make up bc they grew up with 'bigger' struggles. (divorced parents, trailer homes, smoking, a sister who got pregnant at 14). i witnessed my dad struggle with someone who wasnt a good match for him but he was religious, death should happen before divorce. he would plead and beg and that sound when his voice cracked haunts me to this day. on the 28th of december when they gathered us to tell us they were divorcing i stood up, said, "i knew it." and went to my room until i had to pee or eat or go to school i dont remember. i lived between 2 separate houses until i turned 18 always lugging my sister around after she came back from boarding school for 2 years. i chose to live with my dad bc he was more financially and mentally stable. do i regret that? almost everyday. would i go back and change my choice? no.

im attending college rn with almost nothing in my bank account and no more help from dad. im scared bc im not smart, i believe i have learning issues bc not every teacher teaches the same and its been a constant guessing game as to whether ill pass or not based on them. i can apply myself when i get interested but if you lecture us like youre talking like a middle schooler abt the weather in an awkward convo with your crush, what the hell am i supposed to get excited abt?

how am i supposed to live in a home that expects more than i think i can give just because im an adult? with a man who doesnt understand social anxiety or burn out or depression bc he has the lord and faith and hope and he doesnt need to worry abt whats next. how am i supposed to recover from a night of not sleeping and watching youtube videos to drown out the thoughts (sometimes suicidal) and then be expected to get up at 8am and go apply to 7 jobs and grocery shop for your ass and clean the house and not take a nap that turns into 15hours of dead sleep at noon bc im adult and thats just what adults do.

no thats society. thats society fucking everything up for ill minds and those with disabilities and disorders and chronic sickness. society tells me i need to move out at 18 (when your brain only finishes developing at 27 ish). society tells me i need to figure out my life when im not even a 1/10th thru it. to get a degree at 22 a job at 23 bc youve interned somewhere for 2 years already and have that job for 50ish years, a spouse a house and kids at some point during that time and still be financially okay and be able to pay off student loans and hospital bills and mortgage and whatever else. society says fuck you all the fucking time and i cant fucking stand it.

im not ready to be 23. im not knowledgeable on how life works bc i was sheltered. we were poor we couldnt look stuff up willy nilly, if i did i was terrified i wasnt allowed to bc god is always watching, youll go to hell. i know nothing abt sex ed bc our teacher wasnt even fully certified. i know nothing abt taxes or bills bc we didnt have a finance class available. i know nothing abt dating bc no boys until youre 30. i know nothing.

when my parents split and i lived with my mom every other week, i searched everything under the sky in my room at night bc i was scared. i was scared my dad might find out that i thought [sally] was cuter than [sam]. that i was jealous of [jasons] body and the way it was shaped. that i liked the way [marys] voice sound bc she was cool on tv (she smoked) the way [johns] voice sounded bc it was lower. i read fanfiction as soon as i knew what it was. when i gravitated toward more mlm fics i was scared of those new apps coming out that let a parent see what their kid was doing.

when i graduated high school and didnt know what to do with myself for two years, i drowned myself in fanfiction and fantasies. when i was given an ultimatum of moving out or going to school and/or working i chose school bc by then i had found kpop. i fell in love with something for the first time in a while since fanfiction. i like the new language i hadnt really ever heard before other than psy's song that rocked the world. i realised ive always loved languages why not teach mine? thats popular. so i chose school, i dragged myself through months of mental torture and physical stress torture and im still doing it bc one day ill live a dream that was forced upon me bc i know im not ready for the world. and bc i chose school i met some of the greatest ppl. ppl who accept me for who i truly am bc that summer wasnt just abt kpop it was abt realising i was not a girl. i wasnt a boy either but goddamn idk what i am. so not only did i read abt gay men but i read abt gay anything. researching wtf was going on in my head. what exactly do i feel like, who am i attracted to, what do i want in life in a partner if i ever get one

and through all this in the back of my head im still thinking im not good enough for my dad bc he believes that even just who i am is a sin, im not good enough for mom bc i chose dad, im not good enough for myself bc im lazy and incapable of doing normal things and a wimp and a loser. im not good enough. i dont deserve this. i shouldve been kicked out years ago. thats how you know if youll make it (i wouldntve). theres smth wrong with me and my brain. the doctor said i had depression and gave me pills i didnt want bc pills make it real. there really is smth wrong with me. thats why they dont love me, they dont think im good enough. i havent been to a doctor in 6 years (1 covid hit so i just couldnt 2 i cant make the fucking phone call on my own) i know i have anxiety and worse depression. i think i have other stuff bc like i mentioned when i think theres smth wrong with me i research the fuck out of it.

cant even keep a best friend. the one in elementary moved, elementary-middle i moved schools, middle-high school stopped talking to me out of the blue, my church friend from elementary is still my best friend and has many the same views abt religion aa i do now and accepts me and loves me for who i am, but shes getting married this year. still have my college bestie but its only been 2 years. i hate myself for thinking 'wait until its been 7, he'll hate you then, but hes too nice to drop you to your face he'll just ghost you like the last one did'

cant commit to a partner either. first one was a mess, he had anger issues. second didnt respect the law. third one was 3yrs older and ready for marriage. 4th was going to the navy in a month. 5th (first girl) was in israel. i was the one who ended them all. my current partner is literally amazing and im scared the day they realise i literally cannot commit. we will dance around commitment forever until you get bored and realise i was just there bc i want to try but deep down know i cant and wont succeed. im scared the day they leave bc they think im playing with them and i unintentionally break their heart. im scared bc i know that will never happen, ill leave them before they can bc i dont want to string them along bc i cant commit.

well ive "journaled" for like and hour now and i need to pee. so thanks for reading if you did. im sorry if you were triggered. i dont want responses. i just needed to get this out.

#rae rambles #tldr: im sad #tw: depression #tw: mental health #tw: long post #tw: sucidal thoughts #tw: religious trauma #tw: alcholism #tw: anxiety #tw: depressive thoughts #tw: gender dysphoria #tw: medication #tw: negative thoughts #tw: vent #delete

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dyingclown · 14 days

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TW ED AND SH, NOT CURRENT BUT REMINISCING

seventh grade was actually crazy because who told 12 year old me that it was normal and healthy to be browsing eating disorder twitter every single day 😭😭😭

it started as only self harm twitter because idk obvious reasons but theres so much overlap that i was just drawn in

its actually so inconvenient because now when i look through my camera roll from that time period im randomly jumpscared by a series of images of starving girls and people with sh wounds going through to their bones 😭😭😭

like come on. im trying to look back at a DIFFERENT trauma (shiloh)

thats the real reason i got permabanned from twitter LMFOAOSOALA

thats lowkey how i got out of that mindset because i wasnt in a constant echo chamber of calories and numbers and bullshit

i still think it like fundamentally altered me as a person though 💀💀💀

at least it wasnt as bad as my eighth grade eating disorder situation

since i was banned on twitter i used a different forum website which was much much worse

like ive been trying to be more healthy recently and i catch myself thinking "well it was so easy in december 2022..." NO ALLISTER. NO. BAD. EATING 300 CALORIES A DAY IS NOT THE WAY TO BE HEALTHY. HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO BUILD MUSCLE UNDER THESE CONDITIONS.

its also why im SO fucking weak now

sorry chat i starved away all my muscle and now i am not good for anything!!!

it was crazy how rapidly i lost strength

it was interesting because that was around the time i came up with the idea for my book so that was my little escapism

i just imagined charlie and built up his lore to distract myself from the constant empty aching of my stomach 💀💀💀

it was also sad though because at the time i was like "wow! starving myself is so Good For My Mental Health! because now, i dont think about my old groomer constantly! because im too focused on being so impossibly fucking hungry to even think straight!"

i like was scared of eating normally again because i didnt want to have to think again

GIVE ME ALL YOUR LSD SO I CAN FEEL MY MIND UNWEAVE AGAIN

THEY SAY THE BEAUTYS JUST SKIN DEEP SAY ANA STANDS AND RENDS THE RANCID MEET FROM HER BONES BONES BONES LET ME SEE YOUR BONES

I DONT WANNA KNOW IF THE FEELING FOLLOWS HOME

BONES BONES BONES

HELL WE'RE ALL ALONE

IF I COME HOME BABY WILL YOU SHOW YOUR BONES

there needs to be a study done on the effects of that song on mentally ill children 😭😭😭 its so good but i cant listen to it without war flashbacks.

god i was out of my fucking mind

i remember frantically googling the amount of calories in a ramen flavor packet because i was so hungry that i literally just ate the powder 💀💀💀 i came to the conclusion of 30 calories! but i dont think that was accurate LMAO

i used to like dirty up plates and stuff to make it look like i ate

and wake up early while nobody was home to sneak into my dads room and use his scale

i remember when i tried to purge like 1/4 of a sandwich 😭😭😭 ALLISTER YOU HAVE EMETOPHOBIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING

local faggot transcends boundaries of emetophobia to get rid of a nominal amount of calories because hes fucking delusional!

gtg do a dbq now more later maybe BYEEEE BOOP

#tw ed #tw sh

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ksiezniczkadepresyjna · 29 days

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In middle school I had a teacher who would spend every lesson 1. bitching how we were all useless good-for-nothings, 2. how much her daughters (somewhere in the 5-9 age range i believe) were so much better than other children, us included, 3. fixating on eating disorders, and 4. fixating on motherhood. She didnt teach us anything important, it was a class we only took for a year called "technics", idk if uou burgers have it, we mainly did the basics of technical drawing and some simple paper crafts -- thats of course if we were doing anything at all that was related to the subject, she made us do a paper on anorexia and bulimia for whatever fucking reason at some point. For additional context, we were 13-14 and it was an all girls class (not a fancy all girls school, just a normal, rather shitty public middle school, the class just happened to have no boys). Her teaching technique was to spend nearly an hour lecturing us about how useless we were for not knowing how to do shit in the vein of cleaning windows, how her 8 year old daughter already cleans windows, and then do maybe half the work, and then talk about her personal life some more, necesarilly mentioning something about anorexia being bad for you because it fucks with your fertility. And at some point you just kind of recognize, there's no arguing with this kind of person, especially when shes in the position of power and authority, and has been for years. So we'd say shit to intentionally make her angry, I remember one day she was telling us how wonderful her daugher was for already knowing how to make cereal for herself - and I kid you not, the kid only poured dry flakes into a bowl because she wouldnt allow her to handle hot milk yet. Of course the overarching theme being, "you useless shits cant even feed yourself", i guess she started questioning us if we make our own breakfast? And one of my friends fuxking told her she doesnt know how to make a sandwich lol. And she fucking fell for the bait immedieately. But the one to make her the most livid was yours truly, księżniczkadepresyjna. One day she was going off about, i dont even remember what, but it was something to do with being a mother, and how its basically the most important thing ever - to a class of kids barely out of elementary school, i bet half of us havent even really hit puberty yet. And so I said, "i have greater ambitions than to be an incubator". She got sooo fucking mad lol, im pretty sure she spent whatever classtime remained just screaming at me. Just to clarify - im not an antinatalist, i wasnt back then, I find reddit tier "crotch goblin" talk fucking disgusting. To be honest, I didnt even have any "great ambitions" either. I obviously wasnt considering motherhood at all at 13, as I was too invested in watching animeys and fnaf gameplays. Idk if theres even a message in this anectode. Aside from that woman being fucking nuts and unqualified to work with children. Also, as far as I remember, her fixation with eating disorders came from her laying in a hospital bed next to an emaciated anorexic girl once, and I think her niece(?) or some somewhat distant relative had an ed.

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lemonlovemeanslove · 4 months

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while im on the topic, i wonder how much i personally have contributed to this problem, bc when it comes to making friends irl, where i can see what the person looks like before i get to know them, i have always hanged out and made friends with pretty people, with people that i find attractive. not bc im attracted to them per say, its more of an unconscious thing. and yes my idea of beauty goes beyond what social media said bc ive been friends with plenty of fat people, but thats bc i dont see fat as not attractive, not in other people , with me its more difficult bc ive been bullied by my mother about my weight since age 14 so im kinda sick when it comes to this topic in general, but that doesn't change the fact that the girls who i would consider to be amongst the best looking out of all girls ive been friends with was also the biggest, in both height and weight. But it feels like an excuse, bc if i don't find fatness to be a deterrer from beauty, doesn't that make me just as shallow?

i also realize that i actually dont have the greatest authority on this topic, being conventionally attractive, which my sister (who is STUNNING btw) reminded me of when we were talking about how looks really aren’t that important, when really, they are, its just that we have always benefited from that fact, and never really been victims of it (expect from our mother who HATES and i mean HATES our bodies, like my sister has never in her life been overweight, even by the bullshit medical definition, and yet she’s been called everything under the sun by our mom lmao)

I just think that i might actually not be that objective when it comes to this stuff. Like me not wearing makeup has NEVER been a on im going against society thing, or I actively dont want to participate in this aspect of the beauty change. I thought of it was boring and the idea of wearing something on my face is a sensory nightmare for me. i feel like im being suffocated when i wear makeup or nail polish, like i can feel it on me, which made me anxious. But if I hadn’t come from a family of good looking people with great skin, if i at any point in my life had struggled with acne, or anything similar, would I have submitted? despite how unpleasant wearing makeup is for me from a sensory point of view? bc im most certainly fucked up about weight and food and eating, and how falling into phases of disordered eating plenty of times in my life. idk if any of it would count as an eating disorder, i dont know what ''counts'' or what doesn’t (sorries if this is a very triggering way of speaking about this stuff just trying to be honest). But if i didnt know that my face was ''good'' lol, would my mess around body image be worse of? if i could rely on my face? bc its always been a comfort for me, being pretty. like im not a model which is fine bc i dont want to be, i don’t really want to look different face wise, I do really like my face. I would never rate my fave tho bc i think its sick to rate yourself the sick sick behaviour like never ever do it if people ask u to do it tell them no im not doing that weirdo. but like, when ive been upset of felt like a failure and i walk past a mirror i can stop and go well at least i have that god i love being pretty. i don’t really think that makes me a bad person, just that it's probs bad FOR me. to centre my looks less, which i dont do a lot compared to most girl my age (which isnt really saying anything given how fucked up everyone is nowadays) is probably in my best interest. But it's HARD. bc i really enjoy being pretty. i enjoy finding myself pretty I enjoy others finding me pretty. like this whole thing started bc i was introduced to a stranger and the first thing she said to me was wow ur really beautiful, like she looks great, and my friend said yes im always telling her that. and it make me feel GREAT. maybe better than i should. def more that we should, as humans.

At the same time, i worry about not being good looking enough for my family, like my parents are good looking, essentially my mom, who is gorge, and all my siblings are good looking, and i get this worry sometimes, like, what if im the least good looking of my siblings (i think this bc im the biggest out of all of them) which is crazy bc were siblings so we all look alike and several people have asked if me and my older sister are twins when they first meet us and she is pretty much my idea of beautiful but idk. Im fucked up both ways, i guess. I was never never ever self-conscious about my weight until my mother, so now im sick in that regard, but im also sick in the way i use my looks as a crutch. I need to work on both, admitting it to myself is probs a good first step or whatever. rant over i think

#tw ed #tw disordered content #idk if i should add these tags but just to be safe #mom posts

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