#and idk how to deal anymore

[transmasccofee]

this scene is ruining my life at first I didn’t get it but now I get it and Aughdhyfhfheujfuejfjjfjfnv

#Kusuo learning from Akechi that competition can be fun and playful and not like. Torture. #And then learning that Kuusuke despite his shitty brother-isms is deep down seeking that exact thing #but just doesn’t know how to approach it #because of how their relationship functioned for years and how they both are #Like don’t get me wrong Kuusuke is uh. Not a good brother and his inferiority complex lead to him hating and mistreating his brother for #Many Years #And I don’t think this scene functions as forgiveness exactly (Kusuo still has resentment towards him in later arcs) #But I think it’s a moment where he realizes they’re both on some level really lonely people #Who have been fighting their whole lives #And being like “hey I don’t hate you. Let’s be friends instead of enemies.” #And Kuusukes response being “I should really be the one saying that to you” #I just. Like it’s a Start. #IDK like Kusuo was completely justified to hate his brother especially after something like the catgun arc #But he doesn’t and I think it’s because he realizes that his brother genuinely doesn’t hate him anymore #Their whole deal is just really interesting to me but idk how to phrase my thoughts on them coherently #The only thing I wish this arc had was Kuusuke having a “what did I do to you” moment but it is a comedy and we already got that from tori #so ynow #i just say he had that moment post meteor #does any of this make sense #Also it makes me so emo that he pictured akechi

[sleepsucks]

#05.02.22 #2890 #jean d'heure #idk where i'm at with all this exactly anyore bc #at this point i think it woud be dishonest of me to assume i could never pass . i've been gendered correctly by strangers often enough rly #but also it's not really that much about that anymore anyway #there's just still some confidence i've yet to acquire and shame i've yet to let go off #to manage to fully be myself in public without feeling anxious about it #whatever 'myself' would be anyway #i also have to figure out how to deal with an unconditional lack of self-worth infecting the very core of my being but #that's like a whole other issue that does not in any way rely exclusively on my physical appearance

[stupidrant]

i think the most we will get is PC release (if that) this year but that means we gotta deal with those trolls bc changing angrb0da’s skin color is such a big deal to these mfs and i still dont understand that sweet baby inc shit bcuz all the information im seeing is just bundled bullshit LMFAOOO i feel like her actual character gets overshadowed by the made up problems and no one actually talks abt HER as a character or even analyses her fr (outside of here ofc) lol sms abt to make a banger with her and atreus istg

#Truth be told i dont even wanna talk abt this anymore but this topic gets brought up pretty much every week atp #How weird is it that u would only accept her if she were white #Thats literally you admitting you like her character but her being black is a deal breaker #I feel like no matter how much they want her to be a white girl changing her skin wouldnt change their opinion abt her #Theres this one (big) acct in particular thats constantly shitting on rag and its like bro u need to just leave if ur not happy #or take a long ass break and come back at times and then leave again cuz hes just miserable as fuck and yall know exactly who im talking ab #I do see more people getting annoyed with this topic and i dont blame them #its getting super out of hand and dragged out atp #Once again i do not want ppl to like her out of PITY. she deserves a very honest group of fans and if those fans are ppl #That disliked her at first but started to like her later on thats fine as long as its out of being genuine #I cannot wait for her to gain more fans fr but i have to be careful what i wish for bcuz i dont want ppl to become too crazy lol #I might just post smth on that god forsaken reddit as an appreciation post of her or smth idk yet LMFAOOO #I for sure will have to be more brave and visible with my love for her one of these days #also very grateful for that one ragnarok vp. he loves angie for sure #Anyways #Love angie for life #Gow #god of war ragnarok #rant

[preqvelle]

URGH I HATE IT

#but i cba anymore #he loooks like edward scissor hands dressed as papa and idk how to make him looks better #papa iv #my art 😬 #got to practice again something is off and i cant deal #ghost fanart

[heccfriccart]

good evening

previous

#epel felmier #floyd leech #azul ashengrotto #cater diamond #idia shroud #leona kingscholar #disney twisted wonderland #disney twst #twisted wonderland #twst #sorry i know its been a minute #ya know how the holidays are #my family plans super far in advance so we've been doin thanksgiving stuff for like a month now #and xmas for even longer cause it apparently a huge deal #idk not to be an asshole but i am so ready to not have to bother with this shit anymore #but anyways i guess it all just caught up to me so i kinda forgot to post

[ongsasuns]

guys this is going to sound really heavy? insane? but. first of all going on a hiatus. i’ll put the rest in the tags because idk. it feels really weird doing this but also unfortunately it is very very necessary at this point.

#nini’s nonsense #so i don’t really want to disappear on anyone and just to be clear. i am fine there’s nothing wrong with me personally but. life got fucked #real real fast and that’s why i’m leaving but. i’m doing a bi-weekly check in because the thing is. the moment those stop. you can all #unfortunately assume i’m not on this earth anymore #HA i feel insane typing that out but it is the truth of life atm so yeah uhm #this sounds so heavy and i mean. i guess it is. but yeah i also don’t want to just randomly disappear forever so this seems like the best #thing to do? sorry idrk how to deal with this yet so yeah. #maybe if everything turns to normal once more i’ll come back but i don’t see that happening anytime soon. #but yeah maybe. for now. i love you all dearly forever and always <3 #does this need a trigger warning? idk lmk #anyways let me pin this. #also pls don’t worry too much! my life is just being. well my life i guess this had to happen at some point. #also see you sept 1st!! hopefully!!

[chibi-scone]

It’s been said before and the fact that I’m an Izzy simp aside like having a character who survives the most certain death shit ever (shooting himself in the head at point blank) and literally being nicknamed by another character “indestructible” and then become a symbol of protection for a whole group of people die from a fucking bullet to the side that was established in universe to have no vital organs in order to “atone for his sins” or however you wanna spin it and have him say he wants to go after (see point one) literally trying to kill himself in the show that is literally about growth and betterment of the self in a cruel world that wants you dead and where the main (and mostly queer) characters survive the most batshit insane injuries is like COSMICALLY stupid writing like I don’t even understand how you get there and the fact that it’s supposed to be a kind/ happy/meaningful ending is beyond me

#and Izzy’s whole speech to Ricky before that could be interpreted as what like #being about even if you kill and try to eradicate queer people we’ll always be here #and then have RICKY deal the killing blow ???? #wahhhh it’s symbolic #ok it would’ve been more symbolic to have the fucking queer character live like idc you’re all stupid god bless #ofmd critical #tbd #maybe #oh and then I mean not even talking about how it’s supposedly all good #because the main gays who had borderline no redeeming qualities this season had their picket fence ending #literally what’s the point of having Ed come back from the dead #so he can learn that death is not the answer and that there’s love and betterment for him #and have that whole scene with Jim and Archie where they refuse to kill one another because there’s more to life than the cards #they’ve been dealt and they can be the difference #JUST TO HAVE THAT ENDING #my god I just #sorry if you guys are sick of me ranting about ofmd like 5 months after the shit show supreme #but these are like all thoughts that I’ve just had in my head for months but tried to forget #and now they’re just spilling out like idc anymore #ppl have made so many good posts that all say what I think but ig I still need to rant myself jvhsjnv #how long can your neck be for it to allow you to bury your head so deep in the sand #where you truly believe this is good writing idk #side note but gifs of cats randomly blowing up are my favourites #‘Izzy bettered himself before dying so it’s aaaallll good’ hits you hits you #stupid ass shit argument but also that was across maybe a week and dude was piss drunk dissociative half the time

[randomnameless]

Typing a reply made me re-check Big B's paralogue

And I remembered this post where I ranted about some stuff

Big B goes :

It's not exactly a real Relic, per se. Nope. It's a replica. Crafted after the War of Heroes. It's a secret family heirloom of sorts from my mom's village.

Now, we know the weapons "similar" to Relics were used during the War of the Eagle and the Lion by Loog's side, so yes, Relics (even if they don't belong to the Elites, they are still powered by Crest Stones and made of Umbral Steel unlike Aymr!) were still being made post WoH.

And that makes me think...

In the earlier post, I was kind of trying to make sense of Willy's conquest and came up with the idea of him brutally putting to the sword/axe/whatever he used the clans and people who knew how to "craft" relics, aka "seeking more power", but also, just people who know because this secret must be hidden at all costs.

Willy's callous actions might have been done with the best intentions (protect Nabateans) but it still led him to slaughter people whose only "sin" was... knowledge.

Fodlan games being what they are, we will not know if Vajra Mushti was made of "material" that was "already harvested" in Zanado, or if a Nabatean - post Zanado - was trounced to craft it, like a random one who was not present during the initial genocide and ultimately was killed for the same reasons. We know Pan was most likely an Agarthan person, was he the one who gifted "new golden weapons" to Loog's side? Were those weapons from "freshly harvested" Nabateans, or made from the "previously harvested" ones whose bones were in the barracks?

Now, concerning Balthus' in particular...

This relic is, per his words, something crafted after the WoH and it was treated as a heirloom in Kupala. Mmkay.

But we also have this :

There's a story they tell where my mom grew up. Long ago, the village got in a squabble with some folks looking to conquer the place. A village elder gave some holy red stuff to their wounded soldiers. Some kind of liquid, who knows... After she did that, some of them made a complete recovery, against all odds. The rest of them were changed, but not for the better. They up and vanished before long. Crests suddenly manifested for the ones who survived.

The Apostle Chevalier left Garreg Mach after the Rite of Rising and went in the mountains, most likely Kupala.

Then, he gave his blood because some people tried to conquer the village (tfw Kupala is located near the Almyran border?), some people got crests and the others, well, didn't (Balthus wonders what "vanished" means, but maybe it means they were turned in demonic beasts?).

And then... Balthus says the gauntlets were "crafted" (so he calls them replicas) so it's knowledge they were "made" and we know what kind of "material" was used.

Assuming Chevalier was a Nabatean (since the only occurences of people healing and getting a crest thanks to magic blood come from people who got their transfusion from a nabatean, Nopes!Seteth mentions how an Elite was supposedly "cured" after getting a crest...) - this would mean he fails the rite of rising and retires in the mountains, live in a village with humans, humans are threatened so he saves them -

and then he is fucking harvested and crafted in a weapon

(Vajra-Mushti has two crest stones (tfw gauntlet) so maybe some random Agarthan gave them the second "crest stone" if Chevalier only had one)

Nabatean Chevalier helps humans and is harvested as a result by the same humans he saved and who knew they could "craft" weapons from him.

(in the best course of action, just like Aubin, Chevalier died "from natural causes" and humans later used his bones to craft the relic, instead of killing him)

Wouldn't this mean, at the end of the day though, that Willy would be, in this theory, right?

If humans know how to craft "golden weapons", they will craft them, regardless of the nature of the "material" used - the people of Kupala were saved by Chevalier the Nabatean... and they show their gratitude by desacrating his remains to build a weapon and treat "it" as a "family heirloom"

(if not straight up killing him to craft said weapon!)

Given how fond Yuri was of old man Aubin, I picture him having the same reaction as Edward from FMA who found out the "being" he transmuted wasn't his mother, when he will find out "what" is the nifty relic he uses.

(granted, given the age of all parties and how the Fetters of Dromi were previously in Dagda, I wonder if Aubin was the one who was turned in an accessory, or if it wasn't another snow dragon...)

In the end - current Fodlan (or post WoH fodlan) - isn't safe for Nabateans because humans will always seek new "weapons" so what was is the solution to adopt, now that this "knowledge" is out in the wild?

If Willy picked the "erase those who know" option, he slaughters innocent people and doesn't even manage to bury the secret, since Chevalier (and maybe the ones from the Loog War?) was harvested, so he just killed a bunch of people for no results.

Rhea's lie about "gifts from the goddess don't think about it"... was sooner or later not going to work anymore, one of her scholars nearly managed to pierce this secret but desisted, and the few relics that "appear" spontanously, called "replicas" or what not throw a wrench in this narrative (just like crests gifted via transfusion!).

No wonder why Rhea thought only Sothis could find a solution - but anyways, what is the solution in this situation???

#3 nopes #FE16 #is it the wilhelm hour? #poor Willy tried to use his weapon to deal with a situation that cannot be dealt with weapons #in that sense he's similar to his descendant who believes Aymr can get rid of nobility #the apostles being nabateans is a hc #but even if they are not #chevalier was a human who sided with nabateans the sheer idea that the people he saved #will later 'craft' their own relic using crest stones and umbral steel is wtf #i blame the ponytail for Yuri and Edward comparison #poor Yuri though he loved the old man a lot and here he goes wearing everything said old man was against #if he was a human or a nabatean by virtue of being an apostle #of course fodlan games and references want to focus on teatime and high school AUs shenanigans #because the rest of the world is so bleak #Nabateans are fucked in Fodlan and idk how to make them 'not fucked' anymore

[maitanii]

Rubbing my eyes with my hands to stop the tears from coming out because I can't let myself cry at certain times is something that makes me feel like when I was a little girl and I felt like crying when someone scolded me.

#December is killing me and it has just started #I don't even know how to express myself anymore #my friends and my bf are all busy and my mom is already dealing with her issues #idk where to find comfort idk how to distract myself

[antisocialxconstruct]

.

#rrrrrrgfhfhfhfhf worked myself up into the Art Block Brain Funk again =__= #i feel like... i don't know if i know how to explain the feeling I'm dealing with #like when I'm doing other things the idea of drawing or writing seems appealing #but as soon as i have the opportunity to sit down and maybe start/work on something... #i just feel like... what's the point :| #i don't feel like i have anything to say anymore. I don't feel like i make art that means anything #i know on my last sketch i said i was trying to reacclimate to making ''pointless art'' but. why would i want to #why spend the time and mental effort if it doesn't make me feel anything. it's not going to make anyone else feel anything #and i feel like I'm treading dangerously close to ''well i don't want to make art if it doesn't get lots of views :((('' #but that's not really it. or not entirely at least.... idk #i don't know how else to characterize it except everything in my head feels shallow. #like why would i expect this (whatever it is) to warrant or deserve anyone else's attention. why would i deserve that #what do i really think i can add to the conversation

[dustyfandomtrashbin]

it's officially over. I'm finally free from there.

#vent post #i don't have to live in fear of every day of my own parent opening the door and blowing up about how I'm doing everything wrong #i don't have to deal with the emotional abuse anymore #i don't have to deal with being threatened anymore and told my jaw is going to get beaten in #I don't have to deal with the gaslighting or the victim blaming #I'm FINALLY free #gosh. it's oddly scary yet oddly comforting #and to know. I got Scarlet out of there safely. Gosh. Idk what to feel

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly. #if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know??? #but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

[sisterdivinium]

She broke off the kiss when she felt the top button of her shirt be undone.

Panting, Jillian took a step back, eyeing Suzanne’s black veil, her vows. A pair of concerned eyes stared back at her while a pair of hands still at Jillian’s shirt trembled slightly. She caught them with her own and kept them in place.

“Are you sure?” Jillian breathed out, before raising one and then the other of Suzanne’s hands to her lips, bestowing delicate blessings upon hardened knuckles.

A tender smile lit up the face a scar had once darkened. Suzanne leaned into her again and pressed a soft promise upon Jillian’s mouth.

“Are you?”

The candlelight flickered. Silence reigned gracefully over the convent and the city below it while their breath mingled hot and nervous, alive amid stillness.

This was nothing new; they were both aware of what lovers did, of course — only the memory was so distant, the idea so foreign… Suzanne had married heaven, Jillian knowledge; fleshless spouses such as these could never adore them back. Years, lifetimes of neglect suddenly made new what was old as time as they stood together at the precipice of this unfamiliar intimacy.

Love had simply happened; circumstance allowed a word, a gesture, a touch — this rarest of benedictions, this uncanny discovery science would never fully explain, faith never fully accept. Touches were made bolder, hands dared to clasp one another, pull, hold tight, invite the inevitable kiss to seal the contract and tear down the veil…

The veil.

Jillian touched it solemnly, waiting. With tremulous fingers, she began to undo it as soon as another button on her shirt was tentatively pushed out of its place; they spoke in their own mute language, echoing the question and the questioning answer with every timid move: “Are you sure? Are you?”

In this languid ritual, no inch of skin was taken for granted. Every revelation was adored, slowly, slowly, ever searching for certainty — a kiss at the base of the neck, another at a shoulder, hair coming lose, are you sure, are you sure, are you sure...? There was something blasphemous, there was something sacred in each curve, each joint, each scar; Jillian needed not envy Suzanne’s repertoire of hymns, for they would both compose their own with every kiss. Divine rhymes in the tongue of quietness littered the warmth they so carefully exposed.

Hesitation darkened the shadows around them — how pathetic, how ridiculous, how adulterous, for who would now worship god or numbers, the invisible deities who had hitherto kept their beds so cold and spacious? How audacious to display a birthmark, a crease, a patch of unkempt hair, mortality itself, when the holiness of prayer or genius had so long carried the privilege of guarding them…

A total embrace, two hearts reaching out to one another madly, terrified of beating so near, so alike — but more frightened still to avoid this, to part.

Night time is god’s asylum for sin, for shame; so they remained where the orange flame could yet paint them out from shadow, where they could quickly notice whether the answer had or had not changed — are you sure?

A gasp, a moan — quiet, slow, pure, unlike any of the songs of devotion or the groans of dying enemies Suzanne was so used to, unlike the inhuman humming of machines Jillian herself had hallucinated into being.

Fumbling thumbs, accompanied by giggles only the girls they had once been had any right to utter, travelled uncertain, insecure, knowing their desired destination but losing themselves in the infinite invisible roads that led everywhere. An awkward angle elicited embarrassment, but what was there to be embarrassed of? Theirs were other sorts of experience. Killing, healing, creating, inspiring… The nun and the immaculate mother would have time to learn together what worship was, with less questions at every touch, less fear at every breath…

But never without wonder.

And as Suzanne sighed and Jillian heaved and neither deigned to contemplate the cross on the wall when religion lay down right beside them, entangled with their very limbs, they kissed once more.

The first few rays of daylight lazily coloured the trail of smoke which the melted candle had left in the room.

“We’ll have to get up soon enough… Morning service.”

An incredulous guffaw of laughter shook bare, radiant skin, catching in the folds of discarded clothes mixed in a heap of black and white upon the stone floor.

“Are you very sure...?”

#doctor superion #mother superion x jillian salvius #warrior nun drabble #i er... i wrote this the other night instead of sleeping #there's nothing grand although well... it's about That but also Not That? #i had been toying with the idea of how they would behave with one another given how they've probably not been in these situations often #like how do you deal with the vulnerability of being with someone else after so long? when you're not a teenager anymore #i've been thinking a lot about age and how it changes us #(mostly for the better tbh although i WOULD have preferred to not wear glasses myself now) #anyway. #you might not want to read this at work? idk. you might also not want to read this alone at night bc of feels lol #narratives and similar #also if you can't tell i'm a bit hesitant to post this so go easy #mother superion #jillian salvius #warrior nun

[azulashengrottospiano]

i love how i come back to twst post about how much i hate idia for a few days and then leave again it's such a cycle

#auburn's rambles <3 #i think about that time when people were shipping me w him a lot #and i don't think i ever really addressed how bad it made me feel #like i told people to stop yeah but now whenever i see idia i think about how upset and frustrated i was #like it keeps coming BACK i can't get it out of my HEAD #THIS GOT KINDA VENTISH WAIT #idk man it's late i should be asleep but Fuck i cannot stop thinking about how that got so out of hand #my poor lab partner had to deal w me that day LMAO i like. cried in front of her #and i don't know why my brain keeps coming back to it because nobody makes jokes like that anymore #and everyone who did sent me apologies which was so sweet #anyways hello ygys i think i just needed to get this off my chest goodnight #FOR CLARIFICATION I AM OK!!!! i think im just emotional rn and i did not expect to dump a whole ass essay here #muah muah love ygys thank u for being on my side i hope all of your pillows are cold and you have sweet dreams

[softpine]

hacker voice we’re in

#i can't wait anymore i told my family i have work to do and disappeared so i could play fjksdjs #casper is just a toddler for now and i'm gonna cheat and make caroline be pregnant so i can get the full infant experience #the existential horror of being a sim who wakes up one day and is suddenly in the 3rd trimester of a pregnancy that never existed before #like that woman from severance 😔 #i haven't decided yet if i want to put them in 1 lot with 2 houses or make them all live separately #idk how much stress i want to deal with lmao #i already had to delete poor mac </3 i cannot handle a cat and a new life stage all at once #anyway i'm probably not going to post any pictures #except maybe i'll do one big compilation #i just want to have fun and not focus on making things look pretty #anyway!!!! goodbye i'm gonna go play!! #pregnancy tw #growing together gameplay

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#tis i! tragic daughter one of three! #motherless at age 26 #the last wake was today and this was more fun than the 1st. more casual. my moms childhood friends were there #ans it was fun to catch up with my uncle and his side of the family #i feel so weird tho. bc ppl r asking how we r and like genuinely i feel fine most of the time #like my sister is like: i sacrificed so much for my mom and i saw her downslide into death #and im like yea i fucked off to [redacted state] and showed uo after the horrible part was over #and bc im finally on medication i really feel better than i have possibly ever. so its just weird #weird to br at my mother's wake and think: god ive wasted so much fucking time being miserable. i dont want to do that anymore #and i feel like thats an option now. i mean ill always be frustrated by the same things. the difficulty reading and focusing #and the lack of social ease. but it feels like less of a big deal now #i say that now before im entrenched in school again. but idk. its just weird #but idk i love my mom but there was distance there and i have weird insect brain which i think makes it hurt less #i dunno. maybr ill feel it more later. when im on my own again #its just that i never reached out to her. i didnt realy on her and she didnt reach out to me so now things won't change much #i dunno. well see #unrelated