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argumentl · 11 months

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The Freedom of Expression Vol 18 - Making teru teru bōzu (2023/05/29)

(*Long post including:

•Kaoru's mixed feelings regarding Hanshin's winning streak.

•Making fun of Tasai

•Kaoru pulling a prank on Joe

•Kaoru's limited sewing and Home Economics ability*)

K: Hi, we are here with The Freedom of Expression, I'm Kaoru from Dir en grey.

J: And I'm Joe Yokomizo.

T: I'm Tasai from Tokyo Sports.

J: Ok, we're off!

K: Haha, you're suddenly full of energy. (*To Tasai*) Before coming on air he was almost sleeping, right?

J: No, I was just conserving my energy for the main show.

K: Weren't you just sleepy after eating too much?

J: Haha, no, but wasn't that bento curry incredible?!

K: Yeah, it was good.

T: It was.

J: According to you Tasai, it was some kind of luxury curry, right?

T: Yeah, I've heard about it.

J: I'd like it if we have that every time.

T, K: Haha

J: That would up the excitement.

T: You'd just get sleepy, Joe.

K: He's suddenly full of energy, until just now he was nodding off.

J: Haha, its my age, I cant help it! What about Tasai, changing his clothes before coming on air?!

T: I'm Link from The Legend of Zelda.

K: Hahaha

J: No, you look like some kind of assembly member trying to get elected or something. We just recorded the members only video, and he took it off after that. He just had a regular black t shirt on instead, so I thought he would wear that for the live broadcast. But then before we came on air, he was like, 'Right, time to get changed!'

T: Haha, what's wrong with it??

J: I really don't get why you would wear that. Anyway, here we are, live again after 2 months. Leader, do you remember where we were last time?

K: Fussa!

J: That's right, we were in Fussa having a walk down Base Side Street. Tell us again what you thought of it.

K: It was fun. Its been a while since we were last on location.

J: Was that actually our first time on location for Niconama?

K: Uh, didn't we go to Kagurazaka?

J: Oh, did we?

T: Yeh, we went for a walk there...

Oh, that was for Youtube?

J: Right.

K: I don't think we went anywhere since then.

J: I was right! haha

T: But the blue sky in Fussa was great, right?

J: Oh yeh. Leader, did you end up buying anything?

K: Yeah, I bought some cargo pants.

J: Right, yeh. Have you been wearing them?

K: Yes, I have been.

J: Ohh. After we finished filming, me and Tasai ended up going for gyoza and beer near Fussa station.

K: Yeah, I had other business so I had to leave.

T: Yeah, I thought you would envy us, haha.

J: You sent him a photo!

K: Yeah, but I thought 'Chinese??' haha

J: Not American at all, right? We put so much emphasis on being next to the American base, but ended up eating Chinese food, haha.

K: It looked good though.

J: Yeah, it was. So, while we were in Fussa, we bought 5 cups to give away as presents to viewers. To enter the lottery to win one of them, please check out the show's blog, the deadline is 5/31 (Wed). There's the link. Oh, someone said they already entered!

T: Ah, thank you!

J: You still have time, so don't miss out. Ah, someone wrote, 'I hope I win!'. Oh, and 'Kaoru suits khaki with his brown hair'.

T: Yes, I thought he looks very cool like this.

K: No, I think this is cooler. (*Tasai's shirt*)

T: Haha, stop messing with me.

J: Leader, do you wanna wear that shirt?!

K: Hahaha

T: Come on, stop teasing me!

J: Would you dare wear that shirt?!

T: I'm gonna get mad in a minute!

K: Hahaha

J: I don't think I'd have the courage to wear that! Actually, lets ask the viewers, should we give this shirt away as a present?

T: Haha, I'll give it to them! If anyone wants it, they can have it!

J: 'Its refreshing on Tasai, its good'

T: Hey, see! The viewers are kind, its only you making fun of me, Joe.

J: Nahh...'Kaoru's hair colour looks brighter than at the lives'...'Kaoru suits khaki', look khaki is popular on Leader...'I w..w..want it!' Can we not do a last min survey on how many want it?

K: (*seeing a comment*) Ah yeh, its the colour of zunda! (*mashed soy beans*).

J: Of course it is! Should we put a survey out to see who wants it? If more people want it than dont want it, we could give it away as a present. Haha, 'Its like grass', 'Tasai san, melon juice', and someone said its like a frog. Ok, we will do a survey. Do you want Tasai's zunda shirt? It'll be unwashed. We'll send it complete with Tasai's smell.

T: This is embarrassing.

J: By the way, how much did you pay for that, Tasai?

T: I don't know I just bought it with one click.

J: Oh, on Amazon? You should at least shop on Zozotown.

T: Why?

J: I don't know, haha. Its more stylish. Ok, here's the survey. If we use Tasai's tshirt as a present would you like it, or dont you need it? 'Tasai's fragrance', 'Will Tasai sign it?'

T: No, I wil not, haha.

J: I wonder what the answer will be....

Ohhh! 56.2% don't need it. They are all still normal people!

T: Yeah, but 43.8% wanted it!

J: No, this result means the viewers are still normal, thank goodness. Imagine if more had wanted it. Thats a relief. Anyway, the cups are still up for grabs, so check out the blog before 5/31. So, today we are not here to talk about Tasai's shirt, or melons. Lets move onto baseball.

T: Hanshin are strong, right?

J: Aren't they winning too much?

K: Ahhh, its tough.

J: Why??

K: Its tough..

T: Yeh, why??

K: I've never experienced them winning this much!

J, T: Hahaha

K: I don't know how to respond to this. They've never had this many wins!

J: It feels wrong, right?

K: Yeah, but I don't know why.

T: Ohh, thats how it feels to win now?

K: Cause I end up thinking this is gonna be their peak.

J: For fans of a team who are in the habit of losing, its not a good sign.

K: Yeah, I get sad thinking about how it wont last.

T: You should be happy!

J: You can't enjoy it?

K: Yeh, well, everyday Im like 'Yess!' when they win, but then I think about it, and Im like, 'Oh no, they already peaked'.

T: But Hanshin have good pitchers this year, they are a good, strong team.

J: I usually know nothing about it, but I was staying in a hotel the other day for an event, and I got to the hotel, put the tv on, and this first thing that came on was the sports news. I saw that Hanshin were in the top spot with a 6 game difference, and I thought, wow!

T: What is it? 8 consecutive wins currently?

K: Yes, 8. Before this 8 consecutive wins they lost one game, but they had another 7 consecutive wins before that.

J: Omg

T: Isn't is an exciting month?!

K: Oh yeh, its been great. You know Die is a Giants fan, he was like, 'Tch, shit!!', and I'm like 'Good good', haha.

J: In the dressing room, right? Die' going 'Tch!' and you're going 'Yesss'!

K: Yeah, if he's like 'Aghh, no!', I'm like 'Niceee', hahaha.

T: Hanshin have won three games against the Giants, they showed just enough strength to win, especially with those pitchers.

J: Which Hanshin players are you rooting for?

K: Hmm, probably numbers 1 and 2, Tsukamoto and Nakano.

T: Then there is Murakami, and then the guy from Softbank...

K: Ōtake.

T: Yeh, Ōtake. His ERA is 0, with 6 wins and no losses.

K: Yeh, and recently, in the 7th innings of the game, a chance came while the score was even...

T: Yeh, it was 0-0.

K: Yeh, so a chance came and Ōtake was sent to the bench, because he wasn't breaking the tie. The next pitcher broke the tie, and Ōtake was spotted crying on the bench!

T: He was overjoyed.

J: It was that dramatic?!

T: Yeh, it made headlines. Overjoyed!

J: Well, Leader, since you are on tour, you won't have been going to the stadiums, right?

K: No, I havnt.

J: Ah, just on TV. Ah, comments saying 'It was cute', 'Crying!'...Please keep sending us your comments, and we may even have more random surveys too. For now the viewers don't seem to want Tasai's shirt.

T: No, but 43% did!

J: Haha, they were probably just being kind.

T: Haha, yeh.

J: Please send us your thoughts and questions in the comments, and if you are using twitter, you can use the tag TFOE. So, you already know, but the first part of this show is free, and the second part is for members only. If you join, you can watch this in the archives for a year, and you can also enjoy extra members only videos, so please use the link at the top of the screen, Leader, point to it! Thank you - to join, and enjoy the show to the end. Now, some people may be worried that we are going to spend the whole hour talking about baseball, but don't worry. That is not the case. We may touch on it occasionally, but its June soon and the rainy season is starting. Not quite yet in Kanto, but I think it might be there already in Okinawa and Kyushu. But since Hanshin are in great shape at the moment, you don't want it to rain, right, Leader?

K: Yeah, well there are a lot of interleage games...the dome stadiums are...huh? How many are domes?

T: Uhh, Softbank, Ham, Orixs...about 4.

K: Yeh, so I think it'll be ok even if it rains.

J: Do we need to change the plan for today's show then?? Can't you just pretend that the rain is gonna cause trouble? haha

K: Haha, Koshien isn't a dome though.

J: Right?! You don't want the team's flow to be broken by games postponed due to rain, right? Don't dampen our idea, Kaoru! Anyway, the plan for this week is us making Teru teru bōzus in the style of TFOE!! So that means, not the regular white type that everyone knows, but ones with a little more character, fitting with this show. We have some materials here in front of us, and Tasai, you have string, right? So the first half will be making characteristic teru teru bōzus, and in the second part we will do some psychopath quizzes. Its not only baseball today, we have loads. So as we have the goods here, we can continue talking while we are crafting.

T: Oh, someone just commented, 'There were Dir Teru teru bōzus before too, right?'

K: I think there were, yeh.

J: Well, this will be something to look forward to, as well as the psychopath quizzes. About that, of course we are each going to take a quiz to see which one of us is the biggest psychopath, but viewers can join in too, and test yourselves. I mean, I know a lot of you sad you didn't want Tasai's shirt, so you may not score too badly..

K: Haha, he's not gonna let this go.

T: Joe, Im gonna make you wear this.

J: No no, after the show, please. Hey, Leader should try it on!

T: No no no, you! haha

J: Ah, seriously? haha. Hey, but Leader, who do you think is the biggest psychopath?

K: Definitely Tasai.

J: Yeah.

T: Eh?! Why?!

J: You're a Tasaicopath.

T: I would say its you, Joe.

K: He is the type of guy who...*???*

K: Thats right!

T: Isnt that interesting, though?

K: Its something!

J: But based on these live broadcasts that we do, even the staff think there is something about you, Tasai.

T: Why?? haha

J: Maybe thats where the psychopath idea came from.

T: Haha, when I looked at the script, it says 'Talk about how wierd Tasai is'. Its all due to me!

K: Hahahaha

T: They didn't even write 'Tasai san', just 'Tasai'? They were commenting on how strange you are after filming last time.

K: This task is for Tasai then, really.

T: Ah, great.

J: Yes, it will reveal more of Tasai's uniqueness.

K: He needs time to think about his answers though.

J: Yes, so we will get these teru teru bōzus out of the way first. We can talk while we make, Hanshin talk or such.

K: Yes.

J: Leader, which materials will you choose?

K: I choose one of these?

J: Yeah, this is another good way of expressing personality. Ah, but yeh, no alcohol today.

T: I wanna have a drink while watching the baseball again on the show.

K: Yeah, I wanna do that again.

T: It'll be fun this year, at Koshien and such.

J: You know, if they win ...(*something about calling players over*) Will that happen this year?

T: Hmm

J: And with Tokyo Sports' connections...

you are a sports newspaper after all! Can't you do that?

T: Well, we do sometimes...but..

J: Ah, the fee?

T: Well, im not sure.

J: Send some of your chu-hi as a favour.

K: Tokyo Sports has its own chu-hi??

J: Yeh, they just released it.

T: Yeah, and its 13%

K: Oh, great!

J: Chu-hi from hell!

K: Bring some for me to try next time!

T: Well, there's none left in the office!

K: Its selling too well??

J: Or everyone at work is just stealing it?

T: Haha, yeh. Hiranabe had the lot!

J: No no, im sure it must be selling well. Hey, but 13% is impressive, right?

T: Only for serious drinkers, haha.

J: For sure. Are you trying to sell it as a set with the gyōza?

T: Yeah.

J: Ahh. Hey Leader, you chose some cute fabric.

K: Well, I don't know about that.

T: Joe, what will you go for?

J: Well, its me so I'll probably go for black. But it doesn't have to be just one colour. We can combine colours.

K: Yeah.

J: I'll have the yellow too. But as for Hanshin, they are not just winning by fluke are they?

K: No, they are a really strong team.

T: They are keeping it really cool. They are not just putting pedal to the metal and going all out. They are going quite steadily.

K: Yeah.

T: They do still have days where they lose, but their wins are steadily taking them higher.

J: You are not worried then, Leader?

K: Agh, well they are too strong! It wouldn't be so bad if they were just a little bit strong, but at this rate, they are gonna plummet eventually.

J: They are doing too well?

T: This year their pitchers are too good.

J: Plus if they have few injuries, that helps.

K: Yeah, but it is a bit scary.

J: Its scary seeing the team so strong?

T: Yeah, cause they are used to losing.

J: Its not impossible for them to continue this winning streak though?

K: No, its not.

J: And the players are young, right?

K: Yeah. They are the youngest team out of the 12 main teams.

J: Oh so they wont tire out as easily? Or is that not the case? The older players dont tire out more quickly?

K: Well, I expect they do, but they know how to play to their strengths.

J: Ah, yeah, they have the experience.

K: We cant really know how they do it.

J: Yeah. You know, I can't even remember how to make teru teru bōzus.

K: Me neither.

J: The staff made some earlier, oh those look good. These really show your personality. Ah, I think I'll use some of that foil too. We also have these sticky-on eyes here too....So the team are young...but hey, a team in good condition will be noticed, right?

K: Yeah

J: So the other teams will....Oh Leader, you are approaching this task really freely again. *looking at Kaoru making a triangle shape*

T: I think Yokohama and the Giants are the teams to be wary of.

J: Ah, rival teams, yeh?

T: Yeah. Yakult has a lot of injured players.

J: Oh! Yakult are no competition.

K: They lost 10 games in a row.

J: Really? Wow. What about the Pacific League?

T: Lotte are winning there.

J: Really??

T: Yeah, Yoshii san is their new manager.

J: Yoshii of the Kintetsu Buffalos?

K: Yeh yeh yeh.

T: He was with Kintetsu, Yakult, Mets...

J: Oh yeh, he used to be with Mets too!...Leader, you do know we are supposed to be making teru teru bōzu, right? That's an interesting shape, haha.

T: *holding up bright green string* I'm not letting anyone have this. This is mine.

K: Hahaha.

J: Yeh, don't worry, we don't need it.

T: Haha

J: We really don't, haha.

T: Oh, that hurts, haha.

J: I wonder if the viewers know how to make these.

T: Shall we do a survey?

J: Yeah, have you ever made a teru teru bōzu? A simple question like that?

T: Yeah, we don't want to make it too hard for the staff.

J: What if we annoy them too much? haha. Ahh, this is difficult.

T: Yeah.

J: I've only ever thought about making these with paper. Ok, please answer the survey, 'Have you ever made a teru teru bōzu?' Yes, or no. Surely most people have, right?

T: I don't think I ever have.

J: Really?? Leader, have you?

K: I have at school.

J: What did you hope for when you made it?

K: Well, it was just part of a lesson at school.

J: Oh, like as an art project? Ok, lets look at the result of this survey. Oh, 96.4% have made one before.

T: Oh, that's quite a lot.

J: 3.6% haven't so there are still some who haven't. I see.... Are teru teru bōzus only in Japan, do other countries have them? I've never seen them overseas.

T: I think we need some more questions or comments. This is getting too serious. Ask some simple things to Kaoru.

J: Yep, we'll pick them up. Ah, we are already over 20mins....'What is teru teru bōzu in English?' Hm, what is it?

T: Isn't it Sunny Sunny Boy?

J: Ah, that sounds about right! Haha, Sunny Sunny Boy.

T: It sounds like a song lyric, haha. 'Are you good at sewing?'

K: Uh, no, i don't sew.

J: Oh, apparently teru teru bōzus came from China originally.... 'Kaoru, what were your grades like for Home Economics at school?'

K: I don't remember Home Economics.

J: We did do that at school though, right?....'Have you ever made your own clothes?'

K: Made on my own? No, I don't think I have.

T: 'Can you sew on a button yourself?'

K: Have I ever sewed on a button?

T: Yeah, like these on your sleeve.

K: Ohhh, I actually have done that before, at school!

J: In Home Economics?

K: Yes.

T: But not since becoming an adult?

K: No.

J: 'Didn't you used to go to Yuzawaya a lot?'

K: What's Yuzawaya? Oh, that store that sells fabric rolls and stuff? Yeh, I used to go with the costume designer to choose fabric.

T: 'You used to make costumes too, right?'

K: No, I don't think I did.

J: Did you say that in an interview once? Ok, so we are still taking questions... Agh!!! What was that?! An elastic band?? That gave me a shock!! (*Kaoru deliberately twisted up some elastic bands and rubbed them on Joe's arm, pulling the hairs, I guess*)

T: This one (Kaoru) is the psychopath!

J: Right?!

K: Hahaha (*does it again*)

J: Agh, that stings! I thought it was *??????*

K: Hahaha

J: That gave me a shock! What a total prankster!

T: Yeah, haha.

J: 'Prankster Kaoru', right?! Ah, that was a shock, I gotta watch out from now on....'Cute', haha.

T: *reading a comment* Have you eaten Tenmusu on tour, Kaoru?

K: Yeah, I'm gradually able to tolerate shrimp.

T: Even though you hated it so much?

K: Yeh, but actually, after that tenmusu I tried ebichiri (shrimp in chilli sauce) in a bento or something, and I couldn't tolerate that.

J: Ahh, I see. It depends what you have it with.

K: I don't know what it is really.

J: But you are slowly getting used to it? Hey, we should do an episode trying different shrimp foods sometime.

K: Noo, if we are gonna do that we might as well do it with food that actually tastes good.

T: Someone asked, 'Did you both go to the Zepp Haneda shows?' We did!

J: Yep. Tasai, you went on the first of the two days, didn't you? I went on Tuesday.

T: Well, we can't really say anything about it since the tour isn't finished yet.

K: Haha, he said you went on the first day, and he went on Tuesday. What does that mean?? haha.

J: Two days being the first day and Tuesday, haha. I mean I went on the second day.

T: It was good though.

J:....Tasai, what are you doing?

T: Making a teru teru bōzu.

J: Ehh?

T: Someone wrote 'scribbling noise', haha. You already made the body, Kaoru? That's quick!

J: These are like works of art we're making. Someone asked, 'Are you using the green string?'

T: Yeh, this string is mine.

J: Haha, don't worry. You can take it home if you want....'A curse ritual', haha, right...'zubōteruteru', 'Tasaicopath is showing'. Leader, yours is looking great.

T: Yeah.

J: Its really artistic. You guys are doing well, I'm struggling.

T: Is it ok if we finish these in the first part?

J: Yeh, its fine. Cause we have the psychopath tests in the second part.

T: We made that Christmas Tree together before too, didn't we?

J: Yeah, that was great. I think that was a pretty unique creation.

K: Yeah.

J: As usual I can't remember anything specific about it though.

K: Hahaha

J: Yeh, I bet you don't remember either!

K: I do remember! We used it for the karuta too.

J: Ah, I'm forgetting everything these days. Well, we are still making these, but its just about at the 30min mark, so we will have to end the first part of the show. We will move on to the members only content next, where you can enjoy seeing us taking psychopath tests. Here's how you can watch the second part. The first part of this show is free for anyone to watch, but the second part is for members only. So you have to be a member if you want to watch to the end. If you become a member, you can watch the live broadcasts in the archive as much as you like for one year, and we will also release another members only video in a few days. We always try out interesting things in these videos, the one we recorded today is really funny, right? One staff member said their stomach hurt from laughing.

T: Really?

J: Yeah, so please check that out. Ok, here's how to join. There should be a blue link at the top of your screen now. Leader, point to it! Thank you, even while holding the glue, haha. If you click this link, you will get this page asking you to choose your payment method. Choose, your method, click proceed, enter your details, and then you are good to go. If you haven't yet joined, please do so to enjoy the show fully. Ok, Leader, do you have any announcements?

K: Uh, we have lives in Osaka and Nagoya next week, no this week. Nagoya is fan club only, but I think there might still be some tickets left for Osaka, so please come along if you can.

J: Ok, time to end this part. The screen will change for a minute, but the members part will start soon, so just wait there. Ok, see you soon for more TFOE! Bye!

#dir en grey #the freedom of expression #薫 #translation #kaoru

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inkovert · 4 months

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Things I want to do in 2024

I've never been the type to make resolutions and I know we tend to put more weight on them than they actually are meant to have, hence why we never follow through with them. So! I am attempting to just make a list of things I am hoping to do in 2024. very low stakes. not going to think of these as goals, just things I want to do. and hope that I follow through with some of them.

Health-related

Planning my meals and keeping a food journal: I've been on a health journey for about the past year and I want to try to get back on track with that and be more consistent with it. I've been trying to be more consistent with preparing home cooked meals rather than relying on frozen meals/eating out, eating 3 meals a day etc, and that's been going well so far, but it could be better. I think one way to help myself be more consistent is planning my meals out (not like meal-prepping just literally being like this day I'm going to eat these things so I have a more structured "menu" vs throwing things together in my head the day of). I think I also want to start keeping a food journal. I peeped that iOS added a Journal app to the new software and I might try that out to see how useful it would be for food journaling, doing things like documenting my mood around the times I eat, what I eat etc.

Find a new dentist and start flossing: When I say I've been on a health journey over the last year I really mean in every possible way you can think of lol. Dental health was one of them. I've made a lot of improvements but I'm so prone to getting cavities that I think I could make a few more. I am one of the 60% of people who do not floss every day bc I found it hard/time-consuming/unnecessary. But I started doing it a couple weeks ago and... it wasn't so bad? I was pretty consistent with it until I went home for the holidays and that fell to crap bc I couldn't find the floss I had packed. anywho. I want to continue to be consistent with that and make that a habit, in addition to finding a new dentist bc the last one I saw was a bit too...assertive and I didn't like their staff so decided never to go back there again.

Personal/things that actually make me excited

Decorate my room: lol. Can you believe I've lived in my apt for two years and I've yet to decorate my room (even the bathroom has some stuff hung up on the walls). I literally have the decorations sitting in a pile by my bedroom door collecting dust. So yeah. I wanna actually do that. Tbf what stopped me before was that I wasn't confident I'd be able to stay in this apt for long. I thought for sure after a year they would jack up the price and I would be forced to move. But, we're now going on three years and things have been fine so I should actually properly decorate the place.

✨ Get a tattoo ✨ The sparkles are because this is probably the thing I'm most excited about on this list. I have wanted a tattoo for as long as I can remember. And I finally decided last year that I was going to say fuck it and get one. But unfortunately the finances weren't financing so it got delayed. But it's happening this year!! For sure!!! Hopefully in the next few months!! I need to stop delaying it and just do it!! So yeah. I've made my best friend keep me accountable each step of the way so I can stop procrastinating. So she gave me a deadline of Friday, 1/5 to at least have a list of tattoo artists I'm considering. We're doing this!!!

Actually leave my house and spend time in places I enjoy: Since my two closest friends moved away last year I haven't had a lot of incentive to go out and do things. So I've just been spending a lot of time at home by myself. And solitude is so nice. So comfortable. So blissful. But I need to end that. Or at least cut down on it a little. There are things I actively want to do in my city but every time the weekend comes I end up staying in my house doing nothing for 2 days straight. And it's been great. But I need to push myself to actually go out and do things by myself. Go to live music concerts, hang out at bookstores or coffee shops. Just something to have a change of pace and environment. I know I will be better for it. I'm gonna challenge myself to go out by myself at least once a month. If I do more? great. But we're starting small.

Writing-related

Track my writing: I'm not going to push myself to have word count goals or anything like that because I think that would be counter productive and take the fun out of writing for me. I actually wrote a lot last year (I just calculated it - 174, 817 words according to Scrivener; kinda insane can't remember the last time I wrote that much in a year) so I don't think I have issues with word quantity or writing enough and if it ain't broke don't fix it! But I do want to track my writing a little more closely. I just think it could be fun tracking the stats behind it and looking back at it at the end of the year. and also maybe help me continue this consistency with writing that I've suddenly developed?

Write something for fun: I can't tell you how much it hurts me that I don't have any fun/silly projects that I can work on on the side that I don't care about getting perfect. I think it will be nice and freeing and challenge my writing chops a bit to write something completely out of my comfort zone, totally absurd, and purely for my enjoyment. I've just been too crippled with fear to even try and idk why. I want to do it so badly but I struggle with coming up with ideas (and with working on more than one thing at once). We'll see it if it happens. this is just a list of things I want to do who knows if I'll actually do them.

Finish the second draft of MDE: just gonna throw this one in here out of obligation. refer to the last sentence of the previous bullet point. I wrote half of it in a year, maybe it's possible to write the other half in a year?

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. gonna come back to this in 6 months and see if anything I listed here actually panned out lol

#inkoverted thoughts #this is probably the most I've shared about my life and me as a person on my blog like ever lol #don't usually talk about personal things that are unrelated to writing #also writing the 'health-related' part of this made me realize just how much depression makes you stop taking care of yourself #like the way I have completely transformed my priorities and started working on things I didn't care to or have energy to work on before #kinda wild #2023 was a good year ngl

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blacktobackmesa · 10 months

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I have had a very busy past few months, and I KNOW that there's no deadline I have to follow for my fanfiction, it's recreational, I shouldn't pressure myself etc. And I've got a good chunk of the next chapter written. But I'm also about to leave for vacation, and RFYL hasn't been updated since MARCH, holy toledo.

So here's a small excerpt. A snack to tide you over.

“Ready to perform the honors?”

“Honors?” Gordon held his hand over the elevator call button. “What are you talking abou–”

He stopped.

He remembered the implications of what he was about to do.

Gordon gritted his teeth and breathed a drawn-out sigh.

“Okay,” he began. “Let’s just preface this. In order to progress through the game, we–”

“Just press the button and kill some innocents already, Gordon.”

“Listen,” Gordon overstepped Bubby’s interruption. “Listen, I know that the elevator is going to come crashing down when I hit this. But–! I mean, I– Look, how does pressing the call button cause the cables to snap, anyway? Who designed this thing, those functions shouldn’t have any– it makes no sense!”

Benrey leaned over to stage-whisper to Tommy. “Denial.”

“It’s not denial!” Gordon denied. “Tommy, you know all about building codes. These aren’t safe elevators! How was Black Mesa planning to deal with, like, a fire evacuation?”

“Now Gordon,” Coomer shook his head. “There’s no need to bring Tommy into your deflection of guilt.”

“I don’t have guilt!” Gordon protested. “I haven’t even hit the button yet! They’re still alive!”

Bubby shrugged. “You hit it last time. Those deaths are still on you.”

“But they’re not dead now!” Gordon cried. “In this, like, version of these events– in this timeline, I haven’t killed them yet. I haven’t killed them.”

Benrey nudged Tommy again. “He said ‘yet’. Planning something.”

“Gordon, it was very noble of you to resurrect our coworkers–”

“Thank you, Doctor Coomer.”

“--Just so you had the opportunity to kill them a second time!”

Gordon suppressed the words that wanted to leave his mouth.

#rfyl #gordon streamman #if you like it when the characters banter and everything sounds like chaotic canon dialog. look forward to this chapter #but yeah i moved into a new place in april i've been doing stuff with work and now i'm headed to a hobbyist meetup AND a tropical cruise #i got a whole life now what the heck!! i'm not living with my mom! living!!!

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snoodls · 4 months

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2023 art retrospective! ✨

I can't believe I'm writing one of these again already; where did this year go??

Looking back on this past year, wow! I can see and feel my confidence with my art growing tremendously. Finally it feels like I'm comfortable with tools and the process. I'm not totally lost when I open a canvas; there's a sense of reassurance that I can do it, and if I can't, I will figure it out along the way.

Overall, finding time, space, and energy for art proves to be both exceedingly difficult and yet the only thing that I want to do when I get home. I know logically this is mostly because of my job--new office, new boss, new responsibilities, new position--and a few huge life transitions, but when you're someone who makes things who is not making things, it can be rough seas in the brain soup.

I think a major theme for this year was getting back into creative habits. It's an annual tradition at this point to nosedive into an artist's block death spiral. February into March into April...were all lean months for my creativity. Intense job/interpersonal stuff plus news of two of my big art inspirations both suddenly dying...the world hit me hard in these months.

I owe a lot to Lynda Barry's Making Comics for giving me my spark back and for helping to heal a part of me that I didn't realize was so broken and bruised. I remember when I picked the book up around my birthday; the cashier said the book made her cry and I didn't understand. I asked why, and she said "It's just healing." I was skeptical, but now I get it. I've been observing more, giving more credence to my creativity, and being less afraid of making a "bad" drawing.

Now I've been focusing on creating portfolio pieces that I'm proud of and happy to display in my space, as well as finally getting around to my hoard of accumulated characters. I've been picking away at my personal site and uploading much more to toyhouse to keep track of them all.

The last month or so has been completely consumed by making gifts, meeting deadlines, finishing owed art, continuing special projects 👀...so I haven't had much of a presence here. I've been doing lots of traditional art--getting back into acrylic painting and hopefully back into oils soon. I started pine needle basket weaving and have made 2.25 baskets so far! it's a long, tedious, menial process, but it's so satisfying to have something physical (and functional) that you've worked on for hours. I've also been living in my sketchbook the past week--practicing with pens, markers, and practicing itself. I've been conditioned to have the sketchbook be a precious space, and I am trying my best to break out of that. If you want to see some of my traditional sketches and offline stuff, I made a little collage for this year's picks too. ↬ sketchbook 2023

I think for next year I'd like to continue finding better balances--in how I spend my time, how I can spend my time...and to continue pushing myself out of my comfort zone with experiments and messiness. I want to continue being creative in so many more mediums--more film photography and video, hopefully!

In my sketchbook I wrote this meandering paragraph that I want to share: this is a living document--of breath, of movement, not of polished stasis. I reject capitalistic notions of being "industrious" "beautiful" "marketable" "pristine" and on public display at all times. I am not a product to be consumed; neither is my work. I embrace the messy, the incomplete, and the ugly. I refuse to tailor myself to an unseen audience. We thirst for the drafts, the brushstrokes, the incomplete works of the famous. Is this because, in our minds, this makes them more human? Less untouchably great? Or do we see ourselves in the struggles and not in the finished pieces? How charitable is that reading? What I would give to see my inspirations' marker streaks, their 12yo sparkledogs. Framing these byproducts--there's that word again--as art reframes them, reframes myself. To be human is to mark-make, to scribble in the dirt. I hear they reconstruct civilizations from stuff like that.

All my best to you & yours, and happy new year!

#art summary #2023 #year in review #art improvement #artists on tumblr

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disdaidal · 8 months

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I can't remember the last time I've cried this hard, but I guess it was time.

So my new school is pretty much now pressuring me to find a place to train at, which is not stressful at all, because the workplace I went for an interview last week hasn't returned my calls or my email, despite the principal initially seemed genuinely interested in my application.

Thing is, I wouldn't be this stressed out at all but my new teacher made it pretty clear today that next week is gotta be the deadline for that contract - otherwise my studies really aren't going anywhere.

I also missed my doctor's appointment yesterday because I missed the train. I had to wait for that appointment for 3 fucking months, and because it's related to my financial situation (I'm really trying not to get more student debt, especially with the way how I've been and how I barely managed to keep my shit together during pandemic). Luckily I was able to talk on the phone with her and the social worker, but my new appointment was rescheduled at the end of the month. I also talked to my nurse on the phone a little after that; a nurse who I haven't seen in the last six months because all our appointments have been cancelled at the last minute. So I got a new one in September.

My sleeping schedule has been pretty much fucked up all July-August, and for the last two days that I've been going to the city and attending these classes, I've slept like 6 hours in total these two days. Both days I've come home feeling extremely drained (besides those 6 hrs in total, I napped all evening yesterday). And last night I slept something like 2 hours before school and when I finally got back by train a couple of hours ago, I tried to sleep on the train but I felt so nauseated that I thought I was gonna hurl. Needless to say, my car ride back home was all but fun.

When I finally got home and laid down in my bed for a while, I started crying. Like I know it's probably because I've literally slept like 2hrs last night and it wasn't even a deep sleep, so, think I've just had it. My body and brain couldn't take it anymore.

But when I was on the train, I was going to call the school's office (the one I went to that interview for), but naturally their calling hours had already ended at 2pm. I also thought about sending another email but like I said, I felt extremely tired and anxious; making more phone calls and sending more emails when I'm feeling this way really isn't the way I want to go again. Especially since I already tried both on Monday when they were supposed to inform me last Friday, and I haven't got any response since. Which is not very nice to be honest (my new teacher did comment it's kind of unprofessional of them, and I gotta agree a little bit there).

But seriously, the only thing that's even made my last two school days tolerable, were the other students in my class. I kind of took up smoking again (bad habit I know) because of all this stress and shit that's been going on with me lately, so at least it was an easy way to get to know some of our other students, and got to spend some time with them, so at least I didn't have deal with my worries all alone. Our Moroccoan student (whom I've talked a lot with; I got along with him already on our entrance examination on May) tried to encourage me today when we were smoking, and even said I could try and apply to the same place he works at - which is working with immigrants mostly. Since I did choose international studies as one of my optional subjects, that could also work, because sooner or late I'm gonna have to work/train at a place like that anyway.

But obviously my first and foremost goal right now is try to find a place near where I live because obviously traveling isn't cheap, and I might indeed have a couple of places around here in mind that I could ask for training opportunities.

In any case, if I don't get an answer by tomorrow (we'll have another long school day so I probably won't have any time to be making extra phone calls anywhere), I think I'm just gonna ditch this thing and start calling other places on Monday.

If this is how it's gonna be and I'm on a strict deadline here, I don't suppose there's any other choice. I'm not willing to give up just yet - though I admittedly thought of that for a moment, too. Since I've become somewhat depressed lately again, clearly, and that must have something to do with my bpd. Which is fucking *nice* because right now I'm supposed to be active and efficient so I can actually get shit done and get my studies properly started - and yet right now, I'm feeling all but that.

So I guess I'll go to another class tomorrow - we have a special day anyway as we're visiting a local museum at the end of the day, so. Maybe I can try to forgive myself for being the way I am and give this whole thing a rest until weekend. And if the teacher asks about it tomorrow as she might, I'm just gonna say I'm going try again on Monday.

Cause I really don't see any other choice right now. But again, I'm really not lying about this. I'm not feeling my best right now, and this kind of pressure and stress is not doing me any favors.

#personal #a vent i guess #i'm kind of losing it right now and barely keeping it together #i guess #i don't know yet

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38sr · 2 years

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How did you break into the animation industry?

Oh buckle up 'cause this is a bit of a story. Before starting, I wanna let anyone reading this to know that there's no one absolute way to break into the animation industry. From my experience, I've learned that breaking in has a lot of factors that are often out of your control. If anything, it's a combination of hard work and luck. Sometimes you're at the right place and the right time. Or you happen to know the right people or you are the right fit for a job. Overall, don't be so hard on yourself if you are still trying to break in (or have and just struggling to find the next gig). Often times it's not you as a person/artist, but really if everything else that you cannot control fits in that moment. And with that, let's start this two part story of how I broke into animation. Part 1: Lemme tell you how I got to Sesame Street.

So in 2017, I was a senior in college and my school for some strange reason made it a graduation requirement for students to do an internship in their respective major. While it was an incentive to get students experience, this only worked for the fine arts and illustration students due to the school having a lot of connections with local comic artists and galleries. For the animation department, however, we really didn't have many resources since our program was only 4 years old at that point (very, very new). So I started searching online for any animation internships since my school couldn't really help. I applied to many internships but only got an interview for one: FableVision in Boston.

To be honest, I really thought I was going to get that internship with no doubt. I already knew the people who worked there, had recently went to their anniversary party where they told me their internships were opening again and they wanted me to apply. So I did, got an interview instantly, took the train down and had the greatest interview of my life. I was told I'd hear back by the end of March and excitedly waited for the email.

Except I didn't hear back until April. And they had chosen an illustration student from my school instead of me. I was devastated. It felt like the ground beneath me crumbled and I was falling into a pit of darkness. It was April, there were no more internships, the semester ended in a month and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to graduate. And to top it off, this rejection really made think I was a bad artist and an undesirable hire. I remember being so bummed about it for days, feeling so unmotivated and scared about what to do next....and really unsure how to process the rejection altogether.

So, I contacted my mentor who at the time was a character designer at Sesame Workshop. He was my mother's friend from church and known me since I was a kid. He didn't start mentoring me until high school and was always transparent about his experience working in children's TV animation as a black creative (for those who don't know I am also black). I poured out my heart and asked him, "How do you deal with rejection from a job you really wanted?" And in short, he said, "Sometimes the job you think is perfect for you isn't what you need in order to grow and that's okay. Just because one door closes doesn't mean another door won't open so you just have to be patient and keep working hard." I didn't feel better right away but it was enough for me to realize I couldn't take the rejection personal. I probably wasn't the right fit.

But little did I know that in the next few days I would receive an email from Sesame Workshop requesting me (upon a recommendation) to fill out an application for their internship program when the deadline passed a week ago. I immediately knew it was my mentor who gave the recommendation and I will be forever thankful for him helping me get my first animation job on Sesame Street. And that's kind of the end of that part haha.

But you're probably wondering, "Wait, but you got the job. You broke in. So what's the second part?"

Part 2: The Nickelodeon Artist Program After Sesame Street and graduating college, I didn't get my next studio gig until 2 years later in 2019. I did small indie animation projects and commissions, but was having a hard time breaking into a storyboarding gig. I took tests and got rejected, applied to many jobs and got rejected, just a whole lot of rejections haha. At the same time, my older sister had moved back into my parents' house and we both expressed how we wanted to move to California for job purposes. So in that summer, we took a trip together to California and I finally got to meet some friends who did work in the animation industry. I just remember on the plane back to New York thinking, "Damn....I really have to be there if I wanna break in." So my sister and I both agreed we'd save up money and move out together in the next 1-2 years.

Once I got home, I heard about the Nick Artist Program and that applications were open until August 1st. It was the last week of July and I thought, "I don't know if I can make anything good....but I rather try than not try." So in 3 days (I do not recommend doing a whole sequence in 3 days) I boarded a sequence from my personal project, Hollowville, and submitted sketchbooks pages of thumbnails, character design sketches along with my resume two days before the deadline. To be honest, I really didn't think I was gonna hear back from them. At that point, I was so used to rejection that I had already dispelled any hope the moment I clicked the send button. I know that's pessimistic but that's how I am haha. Until a month later, I get a call from California. At that same moment, I was exchanging phone numbers with an industry friend who lived in California. So assuming it was them, I picked up the phone and the following happened: Me: Hello? Person: Hello, is this Li? Me: Oh yeah. This is she.

Person: Great! This is the Nickelodeon Artist Program and we're calling to inform you that you've been selected to move onto to the quarter final interviews.

And I just. I cried on the phone. It's so embarrassing thinking back now but it was so unexpected that the tears started flowing out. After that call, I proceeded to go through the most intense interview process I'll ever experience in my life and was officially selected as a trainee right after Thanksgiving weekend (which meant I had only a month to move out to California). And that was my final breakthrough into the animation industry. There's a lot more details I glossed over since these posts have word count limits....but that pretty much sums up how I broke into animation haha.

I don't know if this story will be helpful for anyone out there who wants to break in and having a hard time. But I hope what you take away from this is that breaking in is different for everyone. There will be a lot of rejections, but you can't take them personal. Almost all the time it's about being the right fit which isn't really quantifiable. You're not a bad artist and aren't unskilled, there are just variables out of your control that are the ultimate deciding factor. So I implore anyone who aspires to work in animation to keep working hard, keep improving and never forget that just because one door closes it doesn't mean another won't open up ahead.

#ask #send me asks #animation industry #animation #breaking into animation #industryqs

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blorbologist · 1 year

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Hello! How do you get over writer's block? i'm writing for a poetry competition and the deadline is at the end of the month. The poem I'm working on now is halfway done but for some reason I'm hitting a wall when it comes to the part I really want to write if that makes sense? I feel like I have no inspiration to finish even though I know how I want it to go, and the worst part of it is that I want to start another project T^T how do I do this??

Hi anon!

It's a really, really tricky question to answer, especially due to the deadline. My usual advice would be related to not rushing it, which is... not great if you do have a timeline to adhere to.

Here's what I've got to offer:

Skip ahead. There's no hard rule that you have to write this bit before the next. Even if some of what is to come relies on it, you can make little notes and go back to edit it later.

Write an outline of the scene. No, really - you might know exactly how it goes, but writing it down both puts something on the blank document and might clarify bits you hadn't realized you were struggling with. Even better, there's often a natural inclination to just... dig a bit deeper, which might get you writing some dialog or paragraphs that occur to you that you don't want to forget. Breaking it down really helps!

Take a break. Yes, there's a deadline. No, stressing yourself silly won't help. If the muse just won't flow, be kind to yourself. If you've been bashing your head into a wall and are getting frustrated, take a break. Get away from a screen, or read a book, or take a walk.

Once that's done, though, if you aren't making headway, start brute forcing it. It's not nearly as gritty as it sounds: you just want to get words on a page, whatever way works best for you. I like to do speedwrites (short, timed writing with a friend where we just get as many words as possible onto a page and edit later), because the friend participating holds me accountable and makes me Competitive! And I'm forced to write without Overthinking, which sometimes takes the scene in a new and interesting direction! You can also set writing goals per day, like NaNoWriMo, or write it like a script with just the bare bones of what you want to happen. A little pressure helps some people stay on track.

Change your perspective. Write in a coffee shop or a quiet corner of the library, or make a nest in your closet. Switch up the environment!

Likewise, get yourself into work mode. For me that means a drink (water or coffee) and I must be wearing pants and socks to convince my brain that this is Not goofing off time.

Find ways to stay motivated. Do you have any friends you can share snippets with? The enthusiasm is a great way to keep muse flowing. Or if one part is giving you trouble, hashing it out with a kind listener is great. Reward yourself for reaching your goals! Snackies!! Reread what you've written before bed - I like to do it to catch typos and marvel at what I half-remember writing.

Break out a dictionary, or an old-ass book. Look for some weird but cool words. I compile ones that inspire me. Recently I've added grotto (from a tumblr post), ream of paper (from a fic) and appetite (from a paper) as far as words that Hit Me with some muse. Maybe you'll use them, or maybe they just give vibes. Collect them like flowers.

Finally... you know yourself best. Be honest about your goals, your comfort zone, what you know will motivate you... and then shove yourself just a bit past that. One of these ideas might be just what you need to get yourself where you want to go, but you'll never get there sticking in the same space that caused writer's block forever. Those tools clearly don't work - try out that jackhammer, even if it seems a little scary. Apparently they're really fun to work with!

I know most of this is focused on longer form writing, but I have limited experience with poetry, woop.

Please let me know if any of this helps, I'm cheering you on anon! <33

#ask #writing #on writing #writeblr #my writing

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baptistsuicidewidow · 7 months

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Unpacking

I packed a bag for him to wear... favorite shirt, tie, glasses, wedding ring, jeans, underwear, socks, shoes,

-Word to the wise- DO NOT choose their favorite outfit for this. Pretty much ruins a quarter of your happy photos together. I wish I had known this, but nowadays I'm wishing I knew a lot of things I had no clue about.

I made the mistake of smelling his shirt, as a wife does. the 'Is this clean?' check, and BOOM-just instant sobs. His scent right here-like is he right here? He was indeed just here moments ago... My friend just held me like a baby and let me cry like one.

My introvert self getting business and condolences flooding the phone. Unpacking each message, and pausing to cry with so many others who were shocked across the internet. Soul winner. Father. Husband. A real '3 to thrive' Baptist. Never so much as listened to worldly music or watched worldly shows. No one saw this coming. I don't think he saw this coming, either.

They did him up. Not very well either.. The makeup was all yellow... His lips just yellow. A part of me was grateful it looked so unreal-so unlike him. This whole thing was so unlike him. They packed him up with whatever chemicals and somehow shlumped his favorite outfit over his cold, stiff frame. They packed him in the coffin we picked out-black and silver just like his favorite Bible with "Going Home" birds etched in the lace. He looked asleep from afar. His words about sleeping and not waking up come to mind every time when I think of the funeral scene. He didn't say it much. Like 2 times when he was super mad in the last month. I let him know how he didn't mean it, and how dumb it was to say (in light of our children)… I wish I knew. If only I knew.

I had to watch the nightmare of his mourning parents. Crying and staring at their dead son the entire time. Watching the coffin drop into the hole. Re-arranging the flowers on the top of the fresh dirt as if the flowers mattered (Google reviews said the local deer would eat them all by tomorrow). They all posed next to his grave and took group photos-their last complete family photo-only to have an empty chair or an empty slot in all the rest. The same thing applies for Isaiah and I too.

I've lost my husband, my home, and all family, save for my babies and my brother Josh. I was further surprised to lose 'Christian' friends, some of which even robbed the house while I was away.

I somehow fumbled through business thing after business thing. Meeting here, costs there, questions begging the answer with deadlines all swirling all around. Minutia peppered throughout. Meanwhile my peaceful routine being interrupted since August 27th. Here I sit a whole month later, finally able to read my 15 month old's books to him as we used to everyday. In the last month he has learned screaming, yelling, and disobeying. When it rains it pours... or screams at you while perusing the trashcan.

We packed up the 'suicide house'-I wanted to hurry that along in hopes it would help my waking nightmare to end. Being there, and doing normal things, just unnerved me further. I was tempted to call his name through the house, just to remember what that felt like. But helpers were constantly babysitting me, so I refrained. Little huge triggers were everywhere. Looking in the fridge, and seeing the last juice he bought for our Subway date around noon on September 3, 2023... only for him to be dead around 10:30am September 4, 2023. Shivers and shudders.

I found more shirts that held his smell and put them in a big Ziploc bag, and then in another Ziploc bag. I haven't been ready to open them, but I was thinking maybe there would be a day I would need to. Most of the rest of his clothes got donated to Goodwill. They went back to where they came from-we just borrowed them for a bit.

Little by little the entire house got packed, sold, stolen, donated, trashed, or gifted. It felt like Jeremiah had exploded. His life had exploded into so many places, and I was left with the scraps of what we were working towards. We had mostly good times with a few bad times. Like 6 bad nights out of the 945 days we knew each other. 3 of which were in the last month he was alive. With little to no warning, there's no way to know just how long he wanted to be unalive. In his last months he kept his feelings packed and his private thoughts to himself. He would speak out loud while holding back comments, mistaking me for someone else. Why was he so muzzled and muffled? I have my suspicions for why, but I don't think I'll know this side of heaven exactly.

Here we are a week after moving. I divvied up belongings into storage vs. everyday, yet amidst it all I find random triggers hidden in my stuff. I've learned to compartmentalize his painful nostalgic things... save them for an extra rainy day. And during the packing the moving the unpacking the drama and the paperwork, there is this Niagara Falls sensation in my chest that will not go away, no matter how much I pray for God to heal my heart, or forgive my husband for what he's done, or forgive me for however I may have contributed, or forgive others for anything they might've done,... despite it all the heaviness of sad just rests inside me every waking moment. It reminds me all the day long that something is not right. That something is deeply wrong. Half of me is decaying and buried 24.5 miles North of where we live now.

So I resort to listening to podcasts for Suicide Loss Survivors, and creative outlets are highly recommend. Someone said, "Grief is just a lot of love with nowhere to go". I love you, Jeremiah Joldes. I wish we could wake up from whatever prolonged coma nightmare this has been, and have another hug and some more cuddles. For the time being I will try to unpack all this pain. I've heard it lasts a lifetime. God, please help me get through this.

#coping with grief #dealing with grief #grief poetry #grief/mourning #griefandloss

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gorematchala · 1 year

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At some point there was a big push in the gaming community to stop calling developers lazy. Which was nice because people who are not particularly creative really have no concept of how hard it is to make something. Even if it's your job. Perhapse, especially if it's your job. But people have to be mad at someone for something at all times, and so they went from "lazy developers" to "this game is so unfinished" which to me is equally annoying.

I dont remember where I heard this and I acknowledge that it's pretentious masturbatory artist talk, but I like the phrase "Art is never finished, its just abandoned"

The thing is that no matter what state the games launch in, they launched. Scarlet and Violet came out and they're on your switch and you're playing them. Officially speaking that means theyre finished. There is no point in any project where the game will be an idealized perfect version of what you imagined it could be in your head. This is someones job. They have deadlines and theyre dealing with managment and other team members. People also like to sarcastically call Gamefreak a small indie company with no money, a joke that gets funnier every time a new free thinker says it. Say the line gamer. But the thing is that if they were an indie developer we wouldnt be having the conversation at all. Gamefreak has fewer employees than some indie teams, but they also answer to the Pokémon company. Team Cherry and Rose Engine are smaller than Gamefreak but they dont have the weight of a corporation crushing them. They get to release their immaculate art games whenever they feel like it. Pokémon has to come out when the Pokémon company says it has to come out. And despite the deadlines you can feel how much the team cares when you're playing the games. They're really trying.

But at the end of the day they turned in what they had, the game went gold, and then a month before release people played it, as is tradition, and yeah its fucked up and buggy. Do you honestly believe they didn't know that? Or that they didn't care? That they did the Clavell battle and saw that kid vibrate out of the wall and stutter walk through the player at 5fps and went "oh yeah, players are gonna love this"?

There are lots of illustrations I've spent upwards of 13 total hours on, uploaded, and then realized I forgot to shade something or whatever. But I posted it, it's done. You can't just make the same thing forever until it's perfect cuz it won't be. But imagine how much worse it couldve been if I were at the office and boss said I had 7 hours to finish it, and when I posted it 100 million people were going to yell at me that I didn't shade something. It's not that I didn't try it just wasn't possible in the time allotted to me.

But it's out, and for all intents and purposes, that's the finished product. I have to abandon it to make the next thing.

#pokemon #pokemon sv #gaming

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knotmagickstudios · 1 year

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ADHD/Autism Diagnosis as an adult, part 5

Part 4 can be found here.

Appointment number 3 with the neuropsych was super exciting for me because it was medication day!

I normally don't talk about the specifics of my meds, but in this case it's important. I'm not advocating for any specific medication, or for medication in general, but this is my experience. If you need meds to keep your brain from exploding, please take meds. They really do help, even though they can be scary to contemplate!

So, to recap: I went to my doctor for my extreme and long lasting fatigue, which has been causing things like brain fog, difficulty understanding/remembering instructions, short term memory loss, etc. Because I have both fatigue and insomnia, she suggested I get tested for ADHD.

The neuropsych diagnosed me with mild ADHD with very low dopamine, and autism. Because I was hesitant to start a new brain med with everything going on, we waited until appointment 3 of 4 do discuss medication. We did talk about options a little bit earlier on, and I explained why I was hesitant: I already take medication for anxiety/depression, so I want something that's going to play nice with those meds. Second, because of my sleep issues, I didn't want to start on a stimulant until my sleep was under control because I didn't want to mess things up further. He listened, understood, and agreed with my concerns, so we put medication on hold for the time being.

This process started on January 1. December 1, my energy levels just crashed and took my immune system with it. I had zero energy and got sick twice between Christmas and the first week of January. I put my writing and creative work on hiatus until further notice because I just had no energy and couldn't meet any kind of deadlines. All I wanted to do was sleep. I felt like trash.

Between appointments 2 and 3 I had a brainwave that made me feel like an absolute idiot: A big chunk of my sleep problems were caused by sensory issues. I made some changes to my bedding, night clothes, and general sleep set up, and it helped a lot. It's not perfect. I'm not where I want to be. But I feel a lot better and can do more than I could in December.

But back to the meds. Because I was feeling both desperate for relief and more stable than I was before, I felt ready to start a new medication. Essentially, there are 2 options for ADHD: Stimulants (like Ritalin) and "off label" meds. These off label meds are usually designed for depression, but because they increase dopamine levels they also help with ADHD, which is exacerbated by low dopamine. I'm already taking Lexapro, which increases serotonin levels. We didn't want to mess with the Lexapro since it's working, so he suggested adding Stelara, which is the med that plays nicest with Lexapro. I was still worried about things like mood swings or severe reactions that might impact my day job--I'm already having trouble with details, focus, etc, and didn't want them to get even worse.

We spent most of the 30 minute appointment going over the side effects, what to look out for, and how to manage them. Most of the side effects are things I'm either already experiencing due to my chronic illness. The main dangers to look out for were extreme jumps or drops in blood pressure. The rest of the side effects were typically temporary and are supposed to go away after a week or two. The medication itself could take a few days to a month to reach full effectiveness.

We decided the smartest course of action was to start me on a half dose (25mg) for 2 weeks, and then go up to the recommended 40mg at our next appointment.

So far I've been on this new med for about 4 days. The only side effect I've noticed is that it's even harder than usual to regulate my body temperature (I can go from freezing when I'm sitting still to being covered in sweat the instant I move), but that's the only side effect I seem to have. I can't judge my sleep too well because my cat has been an asshole for the last four nights and keeps waking me up for food at 4am, so it's hard to judge things like quality of sleep or fatigue levels.

I am open to adding a stimulant later on, but I want to get some other things evened out first since most of the people I know who have issues with ADHD meds have them with the stimulants. Also, right now meds like Ritalin are hard to get, so I really don't need the headache of withdrawal symptoms or trying to find a pharmacy with it in stock. Hopefully in a few months my sleep will be better, my fatigue will improve, and the inventory issues will clear up, and we can talk about it more then.

So that's where things are. I have 1 more regular appointment, and then we're going to schedule a follow up for some point in the future. I know I was super lucky to get a GP and a neuropsych who have been so great, and that isn't the experience of everyone in this boat. I hope that if you are considering or are trying to get a diagnosis, you get providers who have been as great as these two (trust me, I've dealt with some shit doctors in the past few months, including one who flat out refused to see me).

As always, I'm happy to answer any questions.

#adhd #autism #meds #chronic illness #diagnosis #adult diagnosis

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foibles-fables · 2 years

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Can I ask something off the board? You're a very talented writer, but I am sure that just means you have more than your share of struggles with motivation and getting stuck. Do you ever have trouble "starting" and do you have any tips on how to overcome this? I often have ideas but getting those first few paragraphs down and initiating a flow is the bane of my existence.

I FEEL YOU, NONNY.

Motivation can be hard to scrape up more often than not, and getting started is super rough, so--first of all, know that you're not alone. Sometimes I just wanna bash my head against the keyboard until those lurking, esoteric ideas spring fully-formed from my brain like Athena from Zeus. Unless/until that tech is developed, we're all fucked on that front, and our struggle is universal.

I can, however, try to lend a couple pieces of advice! Also, other folks, please feel free to reply/reblog with anything that's been helpful for you in particular!

Write down the ideas you do have, in any amount of detail! A blank page is an intimidating page, and sometimes getting any words out makes the task less arduous. If you're one of the lucky folks who can write out of order (which I, personally, am not), sometimes this can result in fully-fledged scenes. If you're not, you might have at least some bullet points to jump off of and add detail to, like muscles on a skeleton. I need to do a lot better about following this one myself, but it's worth a shot.

Set a time aside every day to try writing. I don't mean chain yourself to your desk chair and feel guilty if nothing happens. Try to focus and minimize distractions, but not so much that you're just staring at the wall in despair. Try for an 30-60 minutes and if you get some words out, great! Feel free to stop, but if you want to keep going, do it! And if you didn't get any down, you did your due diligence and can come back to it the next day. Always feel free to write between these sessions if the mood strikes, but keep your time as consistent as you can to build the habit and the stamina (again, for trying, not necessarily time spent actually plucking away!).

Remember that time spent thinking about/planning your story/making supplemental materials is time spent creating, and that in and of itself has great value.

Might not exactly relate to your question, but has merit--I wanna share my absolute favorite concept and infographic with all of you. It's here on tumblr. I'm a huge fan of the knowledge vs. skill curve of the improvement process because, even when our brains are being incredibly rude to us, there's a rational and logical reminder that slumps and frustration are all a part of it. We learn how to do better and to see better at different rates. You're likely doing a lot better than you think, nonny.

Remember that this is supposed to be fun! If you're talking fic writing, we don't have a publisher's deadline looming over our shoulders or a paycheck waiting on the other side of the "Post" button. Try to come to terms with and accept your own quirks and writing pace, and know that sometimes they can change! I've written entire pieces over the course of a day, and I've taken months to write 2K words. Once you make peace with your own habits, it becomes a lot easier to ask yourself what you need to succeed.

I hope this helps at least a little!! Thank you so much for both the compliment and the helpful ask, and good luck with your endeavors!

#my heart is full #watch me take NONE of my own advice ever #writing stuff

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gargrizzled · 4 months

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Fic Writing Review 2023

Got tagged by @suplexkitty99 awhile back and finally have the time to do it! Posting it on this blog because it's all been wrasslin fics this year.

Stats And Fics

48,659 words written

3 new fics written; 4 chapters of 1 preexisting fic written

35 Kudos

8 Bookmarks

Top 3 By Kudos

And We Leave It All Behind (13)

Blood Brothers (11)

Devil You Think You Know (6)

Top 3 By Bookmarks

Blood Brothers (4)

And We Leave It All Behind (2)

Feliz Navi-Dead & Devil You Think You Know (1)

Reflections

I feel a touch embarrassed at my fic count if I'm being honest. How are the rest of ya'll freakin writing machines?? Show me your magic

I noticed a pattern this year of me taking on time-constraint challenges. I deadlined myself to finish Feliz Navi-dead by Christmas and had started work on it mid-late November; Devil You Think You Know was written in a week; and if I remember correctly, And We Leave It All Behind was finished in a mind-boggling three days!

Blood Brothers continues to be my labor of love this year, prioritizing quality over quantity, and while 4 chapters doesn't feel like much progress in the grand scheme of things I've felt like what little I've put out have been the best versions I can make them.

I would also like to state that, for the record, my fic and word count would be just a smidge higher this year because I've been working on a secret fic, with 6 chapters planned and 4 already complete!! But the challenge with that one is to actually complete it before I publish it, so as to commit to a weekly posting schedule.

"And that's not a bad thing - that's a good thing!"

😉

Upcoming Projects/Resolutions

More Blood Brothers. In an ideal world I'd like to get as close to the end as possible in 2024, if not complete it, but I won't make any concrete promises. Just know that's it's at the top of my list and I'd love to go as far as possible with it in the next year.

I'd like to finish and post that secret fic I mentioned up there soon. All I will tease of it is that it's some off-the-wall crack-a-licious stuff and while the subject matter is out of my comfort zone, it might be more within a lot of ya'lls wheelhouse. Maybe. We'll see. But I'm having fun with it, and I think you will too!

I have a few non-wrasslin fics in mind. There were one or two drafts leftover from my brief Pokémon Sun/Moon fixation that I wouldn't mind revising. I also had an idea for a Ghost of Tsushima fic I hatched during my month-long obsession with that.

I also have a personal resolution to make more substantial progress with my original fantasy work this year. So if I do ever take a hiatus from Fandom activity - it's safe to assume I'm working on that, instead.

#VS BS #Vinessa manages to write

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masidhi · 6 months

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How's life lately?

So, i'm typing this in one of the Barnes and Noble in LA and it still amazes me how i got here from where I just used to write my blogs in a corner computer shop in Anonas, Sta. Mesa. I've always been a dreamer you know, like i want things and it's just a great feeling that I'm here now. All things that happened, all the heart aches and the tears and the hardships and i'm here where i never thought i'll be. Life surprises you that way i guess and i wish i will write more again this way. I remember how it was like every class or in between them i will just go and write a post on my multiply or livejournal page and it's not even because there were a lot of things happening. I just have the time and I wanted to document it all. Now that I am older I feel like there's more life altering stories that I can actually share for my future self but I fail to which is sad, because i do like looking back. I love re-living that moment or that day that I actually felt something.

Maybe I'll do it again, maybe not. But I'm just trying to savor this moment when I actually can because I have this time to breathe right now and not worry about deadlines or talking to people or be in some meeting or catch some sleep because I have to be somewhere the next day. I'm just being present at this moment right now and trying to take it all in and it's amazing.

ARRIVING IN THE US OF A Just thinking about it gives me that overwhelming feeling of gratitude. Because who would have thought really? Even the version of me last Friday didn't think I will be here right now typing this and that alone is so good. But yeah, back to like really telling how's life lately. I arrived in the states last month, been around LA a bit with family but it's different you know? I love my eldest brother and sister-in-law but they can be a bit too protective and i get it, he's 19 years older than I am and both of them never had a daughter. They left the Philippines when i was around 15 I think but even then they were already focused on my nephews so in their heads I probably never like grew up. So, after a weekend in LA we went to their new home in Tennessee where I spend a month at trying to work in a different timezone which worked out a bit. Both my work has been so accommodating regarding my trip, all the meetings even the ones done face to face had video conference links that I can attend to. It was nice having that mobility and knowing that everyone was trying to understand that I wanted the change of scenery. There wasn't really a lot of culture shock for me to be honest, Manila is too americanized to begin with so it's not like there's anything so different between it and LA or Nashville in my opinion. Even when I was in Beverly Hills I was thinking, this is just Greenbelt 4 or BGC just a bit more elevated really. I guess the main difference for me will be the driving part. My parents here (aka my brother and sis-in-law) didn't want me to drive in LA but let me drive in Clarkesville and even there the traffic signs were invisible to me. Manila driving is just different because we don't even have Stop signs to begin with so i thought it was just a suggestion really.

DATING AND ITS WOES And then there's dating...which is a foreign concept for me nowadays. Last March, I told myself I'm going to work on myself because I wanted to be ready to date again after ending my last long-term relationship back in 2020. It was a journey if I may so myself. It was unnerving to face the fact that I wasn't ready to date because I actually hated myself for letting all those things happen in the past. I wasn't there for my own self and I resented myself for that for awhile. But, I did the work, little by little, i regained the confidence, I started building myself again. And don't get me wrong, I am winning in life, it's just that by the end of the day, I realized, I didn't love myself enough so how can someone else do? Remember, you are treated the way you want to be treated so if you don't treat or see yourself as gold then why expect others to do so? I don't know if I explained that one as I should but yeah. Going back to dating, like I said my family here can be a tad more strict than back home, i went on a date and my brother actually accompanied me, i mean not on the date itself but I was thinking they will just drop me off. But nope, they went down the car and actually met the guy, introduced themselves, shook hands have some awkward small talk before leaving. I was amused and horrified at the same time, I am 35. And they did the same thing when they picked me up, went down the car and asked my date how was it? like?????? So, yes that happened it was funny but at the same time a story I would love to tell people. I was joking with my mom how dad and her never did that to me but hey, at least now i felt how to be 15 again right? And I thought it was gonna happen just once, just because it was my first date in TN, but nope, i tried again and it's the same thing. But this time, I did warn the guy and it was a nice date. We had great conversation and i held on to the happiness. I can't explain the feeling but i tried to describe it to sarah aka my life coach of some sort. It was good because i was present and enjoyed it and i had no expectations or whatsoever. It's one of those moments that you wanted to encapsulate in a pocket of time and it will always be a happy memory because there were no expectations and regret attached to it. He knew i was leaving and we talked a bit even after the date but we both know what it was and it was good.

FIRST HALF IN NUTSHELL We went to Missouri too so I've met up with a friend but the cold was too much. But it was a great stay overall. I was asked many times by my friends and my ate if i see myself living here for good and honestly until now I can't give a straight answer of yes or no. Like sure, i like the convenience and the cleanliness and the opportunities but I love Manila for all its faults and danger so I don't think I can ever stay away for that long. After our roadtrip to Missouri, I actually felt so homesick i was thinking how i wanted to go home and see my cats already but I reminded myself that there's this instinct in me months before this trip even happened that it will be life changing for me. I don't even know what it is, I just know it will happen so I was really excited to see what comes next.

LA TIME Fast forward to LA, so remember when I said the last Friday me wouldn't even think it'll be here in a bookstore with my Mac and typing this? Yup. So, I arrived Friday morning hauling 2 huge luggages (I am very short). I tried Couchsurfing for the first time which is like a community of travellers who help each other out to save on accommodation and all you had to do is share experiences and such. I've been on the site since 2013 but never really tried it until now, a great tip in using it though is always look for trusted hosts with many many reviews, your safety must always come first. I was supposed to be in LA with a friend because I know how crazy it is nowadays in the city but she had to cancel and for a while I was thinking twice if I still wanna push through it alone. I mean...I do watch a lot of true crime and Eliza Lam is still an unsolved case. But of course we're pushing away that juju and I'm claiming that I am way stronger and more equipped doing this, I braved the streets of Pureza, Tondo, and Divisoria afterall. Not everyone has the grit and training. So, my host gave me the instructions on how to get from the airport to his home which is by the way in the Hispanic area of the city. He failed to tell me that from the train station it was still a good 10 minute walk (i'm not sure if I just have really short legs so don't mind the estimate). It seem like a pretty safe neighbourhood and again I arrived like 11am or something. But hauling those two huge suitcases already made some men tried helping me cross the street which i was grateful for but still a bit scared because he was huge. But what was scarier was someone offering me a ride because i looked tired. It kinda scared me a bit of course because it's broad daylight and the audacity right? And like isn't that one of the things that your mother and everyone basically told you not to do? NEVER GO INTO A STRANGER'S CAR UNLESS IT'S YOUR UBER! But yes, I ignored that person and finally arrived to my accommodations which is by the way great. I tried to reach out to hosts who offer not just a couch but a private room that I can stay at. Thankfully Edy and his family has that and I was grateful for the privacy. (My family didn't know that I was staying with them but i did give the address, but my friends know and i gave all the important details. Once again, be extra careful and prepared) DTLA EXPERIENCE Since, my hosts were all still at work and busy then, I just left my suitcases and decided to go to the Art District. They told me how to get there and all but commuting is of course still confusing for a little Manila girl like me, i missed my stop so I said, I will just walk (even though Google Maps said it's 45 minute walk and i was hungry). It'll be an adventure I said. So, I did go and this my friend is what Google Maps will never tell you: the streets to stay away from so you won't encounter the homeless. My intuition kicked in but it was too late, there was this guy who when i was nearing him threw something at me which thankfully I was able to dodge (i think it was a bag of chips). So, I was really shaking and I don't even know at that time if it was from hunger or fear or both, probably both, but i consoled myself. There was nothing I can do really but to change directions and keep on walking.

Finally, I arrived and honestly, I was so tired I didn't even take photos because i was just plain exhausted. I found this cafe called the Verve which is a nice place, where all the hip and young people in the area converge i guess. I ate my super duper late lunch and just existed there for a bit before planning to go back home. I wanted to find the metro and at that time, I didn't even have the useful apps for commuting so once again I relied in ol' Google Maps (and what did i say earlier? It doesn't tell you where not to go.) I was walking past Little Tokyo and said to myself okay this is San Pedro street maybe there's a metro that will take me home right around the corner but I was wrong. I felt unsafe again so I said, I will go in on a shop as soon as i can and book a Lyft or an Uber there. Thankfully, there was one and the owners and helpers there was so kind. They took me in and at first I was okay, not really shaken but there's that unsettling feeling in my chest you know? I was trying to book a ride and they talked to me, they were asking if someone was following me because that's what they think as someone was hovering outside right after I came in. They also told me that a couple of days ago someone hit a passerby with a chair since the homeless people there are just uncontrollable. They hugged me and told me it's a good thing I went in. They gave me water and gave me their calling card so that I can call them whenever I needed them saying we're all family and I just broke down. The amount of kindness overwhelmed me a bit and I guess the exhaustion mixed in as well. They didn't let me go alone to the Lyft as well, telling me to just stay inside the store and they'll be the one to wait outside for me. I was so grateful and was reminded how there is still good in the world. My Lyft driver also saw how agitated I was and calmed me down with his easy conversations and finally that ended my day 1. I forgot to mention that I only had 2 hours of sleep from the previous day and that was even done on the plane ride coming from the East Coast so you can just imagine. THE RING OF FIRE ECLIPSE

I woke up the next day with my mom panicking because I wasn't replying when I specifically told her before I dozed off that I will sleep (Yes, she keeps on forgetting I am in a different timezone my whole stay here). It was 5:30 am and i fell asleep like before 9 the night before. I was already rested but my whole body aches. I went to check the dating app and see what's out there for me because finally I can date without feeling like 15 again. I wanted to check out the Observatory that day because it's on my list so there was this guy who was actually awake at that time and i was sharing my plans with him and said he's available to take me. I told my host about it and he said "Oh you're going to see the eclipse?" I didn't even know there will be one but the stars aligned for me to actually see it so I was ecstatic. Okay, so we have established that LA is a dangerous place (but everywhere there's danger really so I didn't put that mindset much in me, i just do all my necessary precautions in place). I told the guy that I will be needing him to video call me first, give me his number out of the app, and also his plate numbers. I gotta screenshot his face afterall. He was okay with all the requirements so I agreed he can accompany me. We met up at DTLA again but don't worry in a far less shadier side but still a bit scary for me since it was still early and on a weekend. I went inside a Walgreens to wait for him because standing on the street opened me to a lot of strangers asking me what i'm waiting for and I'm just very uncomfortable about it. The guy was great, he was funny and good in conversations, we vibed and i was glad that he offered me company. The walk up the Observatory was grueling though since like I said i had a lot of walking the previous day. He was understanding and laughing about it. We saw the end trail of the eclipse which is great, didn't see the actually ring of fire. But still to be there at the tail end of it was amazing. It will happen next in 2039, so to say I was close enough to see it this year without even meaning to is definitely a good coincidence. SHOW AT DOLBY THEATRE

When I was at the airport the previous day, my host Edy already asked me if I have plans for Saturday night because he has an extra ticket to see a comedy show and I'll be welcome to come with him. I immediately said yes because I didn't have any plans and I do want to spend time with him as my host and learn from a local about the ins and out of the city. It was also a chance for me to at least treat him to dinner so I said yes immediately. I thought it will be in some small venue with some upcoming stand up but no. I was floored when we arrived in Hollywood and he said it will be in the Dolby Theatre. I mean it is where the Oscars happen and other known shows so to have the opportunity to actually go there and without even paying for anything just was me being the lucky girl that I am. We had dinner at Mel's Drive In, which was a great place to begin with next to the Hollywood Museum and it was just really a day that made up for the experience of walking to the Art District the previous day. CONNECTIONS So, we already know i'm in the dating apps and I do try to reply and be active on it which I don't do at home because i'm like I'm here and there will be more options so why the hell not?

There's this guy who i was adamant to swipe right to, actually, but i was like...hmmm...ok fine let's give it a go. He's older and he just seem put together, i don't know really. But i did and after the show he messaged me and i don't know it was just so easy after that. He video called me when I got home and an hour has passed and I didn't even noticed. It was just easy. The guy wasn't even my type you know but it just was there, the easy flow of conversation without even trying. I was mind blown. I wouldn't go into details for this one but will just go and talk about how life just throws something at you and you feel alive and lost at the same time. My coach wanted me to send her daily voice note updates now so I'm doing that and that's helping in grounding me because I'm just feeling a lot and I won't say I'm overwhelmed but I do need the way to process it. Because I need outlets to just let it all out, the happiness, the gratitude, the awe, all that I'm feeling bubbling up in the surface. I still have more than a week and things are really really looking great and I couldn't even be more grateful that I actually am here typing this and again, for someone who didn't even think I will be right here, right now doing this, it's just plain magical. <3

#personal #dtla #life

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selormohene · 7 months

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day 76 (sunday, september 17th 2023)

(Writing pretty late on Monday.)

So this September I'm only drinking water, milk, tea and coffee. I've done a lot of decaf. There's been a bunch of herbal tea and one plain sparkling water, but as far as I'm concerned that all still counts. I haven't done cocoa powder, and in principle that would have counted, but whatever, it's only a few days to go and I can have all the cocoa powder I want next month. I wasn't sure what to do for October but I think I've decided now. I'm going to shoot for a conversation with a random person every day. If I miss a day I'll just do two the next day. So maybe I'll try to do one for each day at a rough rate of one a day. For this challenge I'd prefer to focus on strangers on the street, mainly because my main thing is to get over not being able to compliment people on their glasses or strike up conversations with people who are around me, but depending on social events I might count some of those. We'll see.

I've noticed that I'm very hard on myself when I make mistakes. Like I realised that in the last couple of years one particular psychological issue that caused me a lot of distress was remembering moments in the past that make you cringe. Like that was constantly happening to me. It felt like a weird sort of OCD and I'm not sure what the ultimate cause was — we all have those little things that happen in our brains that show up as psychological phenomena, and who knows what their ultimate cause is, and I have no idea why that was mine. That's gone away for the most part, and I was working on modulating my reaction to those memories arising (although I don't know if the modulation helped reduce the intensity of the reactions or I was better able to modulate because they weren't so intense anymore due to resolutions of the underlying cause, and I also don't know why this in particular was what I was experiencing at all). But I realise that I still basically berate myself for missing things like deadlines, or forgetting things, not remembering to prepare completely optimally for the day ahead, etc. I'd like to work on improving that. I'm also in the dark as to where that came from. I can identify all sorts of potential causes, being lashed in school or whatever, but agian with all these identifications of childhood aetiological factors for one's weird behaviours and neuroses the question always remains of what it is about you and theway you're set up that these experiences affected you in the way they did while leaving others unscathed. Anyway.

Been thinking more about the "taking children seriously" stuff. It's really challenging me. I still don't agree with a lot of it, but at the same time I can definitely see a lot of value in the perspective as a limit case of the sort of approach which I do think is very meaningful when it comes to dealing with children. Part of the thing is that children have a sense of their own good, and to that extent a form of autonomy in the sense of self-legislation, but they don't have causal independence, their wills aren't as efficacious as those of adults. (And in particular, I want to say, unlike many adults whose inefficacy is that of first actuality which isn't exercised enough, that of kids is generally that of first potentiality which is yet to be converted into first actuality.) Plus part of the thing about being a kid is that your behaviour is partly the responsibility of the adults around you, so you are allowed to not have certain things all together because ultimately they're not left up to you. Part of what it would take to leave certain things up to kids is for them to take on the responsibility for the bad outcomes that might result, and of course most kids can't shoulder that responsibility and I really don't think we should want them to. (Again the paradox: it seems like this sort of libertarian fully democratic approach is saying give them all the autonomy but none or little of the responsibility. But you can't argue that on a priori grounds. As I mentioned earlier, recognising agency and assigning blame are two sides of the same coin.) At the same time I can understand why that might in some circumstances seem like a convenient pretext for arrogating control over what children can do to oneself, especially since parents often misuse or overextend their fiat and/or don't take enough responsibility for the bad outcomes of their decisions made by fiat. But we must distinguish between claims that lend themselves to misuse, even easily so, and inherently or universally unjust claims.

On not doing everything. It's often said that youc an't do everything. And that's true. And yet there are people who manage to do a lot of things. What's so special about them? I think there are a few things. First they're very well-integrated and energetic. They're not dragging themselves through life (which implies having fixed sleep and diet issues, at least to a point where they're not debilitating). But they're also socially well-integrated; they know whom to call on as far as certain things to do are concerned. They've been able to outsource a lot of the overhead involved in going out of the way to do something different — either to routine, or to system. Or perhaps they're just better at following the flow. (Like I was in SOS lol.) Anyway, I'd like to get to that stage, because I remember how much I used to pursue multiple hobbies as well as multiple intellectual pursuits. The key here is to ruthlessly remove everything that's not contributing to my life overall — mere distractions, time-wastes, and other such things. Only then can one really focus on what matters. Only once one stops saying "how we go do am" will there be room in one's life for "we go run am."

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