#and i wouldnt feel so unworthy all the time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bittersnsweetz · 3 months

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feeling normal about krisnix in this chilli's tonight

Kristoph gavin who never expresses vulnerability, who is always so calculating and so good at hiding himself and playing into the facade hes crafted, who hasn't felt genuine happiness for as long as he can remember (and he has a pretty good memory), feeling personally and emotionally affected by someone and that someone is phoenix wright

he has never dedicated himself to being in control of someone's life as much as he has with this man, and that's shown by just how long he draws everything out, how long he stays phoenix's "friend", how attached he becomes to the feeling of winning, of having the upper hand. you could argue that klavier was his greatest triumph, and you wouldnt necessarily be wrong. but i would argue that with the fact that i definitely think kristoph gets bored of how easy it is to have klavier under his heel. it becomes child's play, so much so that it's no longer rewarding. but phoenix is a completely different story because he's unpredictable, because he's much more vigilant about that kind of thing, much more fun to make squirm

it consumes him without him even realising. he never even entertains the idea that he needs phoenix to satisfy him (both in the physical and psychological sense) because needing someone is equivalent to admitting that you're weak or useless on your own and kristoph gavin can never accept that as fact. he can never be honest with himself because thats not something he's capable of

he doesnt take into consideration just how much that what he does, he's doing FOR the approval of others, it doesn't matter if it's genuine to him or not because he sure as hell doesnt know what that looks or feels like. to be respected, to be given what he deserves, to be constantly above anyone and everyone else because thats an insatiable need for him as a person with a simultaneous inferiority AND god complex (as well as a number of potential personality disorders)

he needs to know that he's in control of the situations and people around him. and hes paranoid about the reality of not having that and being reduced to something lesser. unworthy. which is why he's always so careful, so meticulous about everything, to protect that ideology

phoenix to kristoph is this anomaly that he can't define, and he's too afraid of the unfamiliarity of exploring anything remotely foreign i.e his, ugh, FEELINGS about him and what that would imply to ever try. so he convinces himself that it's all about control and its all about personal satisfaction, and while that definitely is true, there's a deeper intricacy that he continuously denies

and its not until phoenix's "betrayal" that that really cements in kristoph's brain. the fact that he's affected by it. that he feels something more intense than simple anger at being foiled

hes afraid of phoenix being able to see through him because he's gotten close so many times. and the only power kristoph has over him after his sentence is the fact that phoenix has never truly understood him, not completely, but it's a personal affliction that he's managed to come close.

kristoph knows that phoenix knows something's up but he has to toe that line of. being the kristoph that phoenix recognises while also making sure he stays in line, and its difficult. especially when phoenix himself learns how to hide better

he knows in a way that phoenix already has him, but he also knows that its not something that phoenix could safely or reliably reveal now or he would have done so sooner. and thats the only solace he gets in knowing that the one-sided trust has been completely shattered, which forces him to actually start exercising his own vigilance in lieu

but he knows that up until shit hits the fan theyre going to keep what toxic situationship they have going. because kristoph isnt letting phoenix go for obvious reasons and phoenix isnt letting go either, and they both have such an intense grip on each other, playing with each other's fears and paranoia, testing each other's limits, attempting to get the other to slip first

and kristoph knows that phoenix is determined. and that he wont stop at anything until he's given kristoph the punishment he believes he deserves. i dont think he knows how much he's unconsciously tapping into phoenix's personal trauma, which is why he ends up underestimating how far he's willing to drag kristoph down

there is something so interesting about how their relationship develops over time

how they both take turns being the pawn in the other's game

how the reality of the situation changes virtually nothing because at that point they've become so ingrained in each other

obviously its the worst for phoenix. he sees miles in kristoph in the worst way and despite his better judgement he still feels the need to try to save him from damnation, even when its futile. thats just how his mind works. he sees the little human things that kristoph does and obviously he's not a complete apathetic dick, so he sympathises

its not as simple or as black and white as dahlia was

dahlia for one literally only used phoenix as a scapegoat. its obvious that she never truly felt anything romantic towards him, and she's much more clear cut in terms of her motivation being purely out of selfish desires to protect herself, which is something phoenix understands. with kristoph though, he goes out of his way to present himself to phoenix as someone he can trust first instead of completely lovebombing him, he builds up their relationship in a way that's slow and gradual to have the highest chance of success and to really get inside phoenix's head.

and i refuse to believe that kristoph wanted to spend any more than a year with him to get what he needed. the fact that he continues keeping in contact with him instead of outright killing him during the 7 year gap which is not at all beyond his capabilities, is a testament to how much he needed phoenix around. and not in the sense that it was vital for his revenge plot which we still dont even know if he has planned at the time. and kristoph is manipulative and cunning out of fear, so this isnt something he thought through step-by-step

phoenix is the only person kristoph HAS. and obviously he hates him, he believes phoenix took something that was rightfully his, and phoenix wright of all people being the one to do it (someone known for his bluffing in court, his chance techniques, his complete inadequacy during court proceedings and yet he STILL manages to get the win time and time again) is just the biggest slap to the wrist

but phoenix is also the only person who kristoph learns he can parry with. and maybe just a little he starts almost enjoying the way they hate each other. how much theyre able to get under each other's skin. which is something phoenix undoubtedly recognises and absolutely uses to his advantage

its because phoenix is able to elicit such a visceral negative emotion from him in a way that nobody else can, that kristoph gets attached. that hes able to elicit anything that causes kristoph mental distress at all. its not that he WANTS it to happen, but moreso that it implies he's getting under phoenix's skin too. and we know how much kristoph loves attention

whereas with dahlia, she didnt have a personal vendetta against phoenix, he was just collateral

and that changes things because shes very obviously just a person with villainous intent who took advantage of phoenix's more naive nature, whereas kristoph took advantage of his position as someone who desperately needed a friend. and that changes things. that directly plays with phoenix's ability to trust those who extend unconditional kindness to him

it means that kristoph becomes this fucked up amalgamation of an in-between. this limbo state between dahlia and miles, in phoenix's head. neither one nor the other, but a secret third thing. it makes phoenix believe that he can somehow help him like he helped miles, becoming blinded by their characteristic parallels, while also recognising that he's being manipulated

and phoenix WANTS to see the best in kristoph. he wants to know that hes human so that maybe it makes things easier. maybe hes just hurt. maybe he's getting defensive because he's going through something else. maybe he wants to be a good person but doesnt know how. he doesnt have to be another dahlia.

phoenix's unrelenting saviour complex and denial over being manipulated by someone like dahlia again, mixed in with kristoph's absolute debilitating abhorrence for being pitied or sympathised with in any way, and how that just ends up spiralling them down further and further

the complete opposite nature of the two of them, foils if you will, phoenix having so many regrets about the situation and kristoph harbouring none

phoenix never truly being able to understand him like he could with dahlia, because he becomes attuned so much with kristoph's humanity, the limbo, how he operates, the uncertainty of whether or not it was all an act, that kristoph never meant the things he said, that the moments of vulnerability, the split seconds that phoenix saw being crafted just to manipulate him (he KNOWS its not true) continues to eat away at him long after the events unfold.

kristoph never opting to give him any sort of closure because that would mean compromising himself and that's something he can never do willingly, and that being the only thing he has over phoenix's head now, the one thing he can pettily hold on to in spite of everything phoenix has managed to do to him. the last bit of control he has left

yeah im normal. why do you ask?

#ace attorney #aa4 #kristoph gavin #phoenix wright #krisnix #the most toxic yuri ive seen in my life #but also tragic? if you squint #i wrote this at 3am

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eclipse-rain · 1 year

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Fwel Tsaheylu (Broken Bond) Part 4

☆☆☆

Part 1 •Part 2 •Part 3

Masterlist~

Once when i was younger i had an accident.

I did something wrong.

What it was is hardly relevent now, insignificant as it was, but at the time it felt as if my small world was collapsing.

My eldest brother, the one i was the weakest to, ended up fixing the situation and my parents never found out it had ever taken place. But to this day my heart still races whenever someone questions how i got the faint scar on the palm of my hand.

As a child who accidentally cut my hand with a blade my first instinct should have been to cry, to ask for help, to tell my mom or dad.

My first instinct instead, was to hide.

To hide my problem. To hide my mistake, my imperfection.

We hide when we dont feel safe. When being seen was unsafe.

As a young uneducated child I somehow felt that sharing my authentic emotion was not going to be safe.

Authenticity and attachment are two equally important needs for a child but if they had to pick one or the other a child would most likely sacrifice authenticity to keep attachment.

This is because we need attachment from our caregivers as children for survival.

This is shown even in animals. Show any kind of weakness and you could be abandoned by your flock. Or in my case, my family and or clan, my safety net.

Mabey this is the cause for the way i distenced myself from anything my young self deemed wrong, unworthy.

My cause for distencing myself from anything human.

If i look back on my younger self now i would not be able to find compassion for the person i was or the situation i endured.

However, if i pictured my siblings being in any of the same circumstances that would be a diffrent story.

You could wonder what happened to a child to make them feel so unsafe to show their own emotions and yet the answer wouldnt be a simple one. Neither would the healing process.

I dont know why or what any of this means, ive never been good at or able to read my own emotions properly.

But i had always been told in my clan that i had a certain air about me.

At first i thought this was because the other na'vi people in the clan thought i was more human like than na'vi, like how they thought of my twin brother. This thought was soon pushed away however because of how i would hear my grandmother often say the same thing about me to my mother and father.

I knew it ment something diffrent then because my grandmother would never say anything harmful about me, much less to my father who was once human before becoming one of the people and Toruk Macto.

Than again, this realization didnt help in figuring out what they had ment otherwise at all. I could only guess, only assume, but never confirm and i would not be one to ask.

I would not be a bother, i would not be a burden, i would not be unworthy of my parents love.

However when i landed on that warm silky sand. The sand of the metkayina clans bay where they dwelled i finally figured out what my previous clan members and grandmother had ment.

~~~

My family had gone ahead of me to the place the metkayina clan dwelled.

We had been forced to fly in last nights storm as we were only a little ways off from where the metkayina clan stayed and father wanted us to power through one last time. During this one of Tuks posessions had been blown away and in my haste i had promised her i would look for it after the storm had passed in an attempt to calm down the destraught child.

I was now flying solo on the calm warm wind currents beyond the reef trying to find the thing that i knew i had no chance of actually finding.

My father had reassured me before hand that we would find safety and a place to rest with the Metkayina people so that i would not need to fear being separated from them even if we did not arrive together.

I had the coordinates, the directions, the knowledge and the talent to handle myself. My mother had been worried and tried to do it herself or have Neteyam go instead but even she knew that at this stage everyone was exhausted from the extensive journey.

One we had never done before and hoped would never have to again. This was something my father was trying to reassure us of by finding a place within the Metkayina clan.

My father knew i would be fine, he knew i was capable of handling myself. I just hoped i believed in myself as much as he did about this.

When you grow up the way i did, in the forest, constantly surrouded by danger, constantly needing to be alert, you develope certain instincts. Gut feelings and sharper sences. I could pride myself on these instincts, the ones i had, they kept me safe and out of danger.

It was something that was built into my body through time, through trial and error. Watching and learning, learning from my mistakes and bettering myself. I may not be as connected with the forest as Kiri but i sure as hell made it so i would know what was going on around me when i was in it. To not only further improve myself to gain my parents aproval and recognition but also to protect myself and my siblings.

This was one of the main reasons my father was so addament to send me. Also because of the whole insident that made us all have to flee our home in the first place. The incident where my siblings were captured by humans in avatar bodies, putting knives to their throats and even going so far as to kidnap Spider who was also human.

If i had been with them at that time i would have, for one, been in my right mind as to not do something stupid like that, which might be the reason they didnt have me come along with them. And i also would have known especially to not bring Tuk along while doing it. But also i would have been able to sence something was wrong, that someone was coming. Hear twigs snapping in an unnatural way, the sound of footsteps indicating how many people were headed our way.

How heavy they were, how tall they were, if they were trying to sneak up on us all or not and which direcrion they were coming from. I would be able to sence all these things. I had taught myself to, spending countless hours alone in the forest training myself while also practicing everything my mother had taught me and everything i had witnessed while observing others, which i had absorbed like a sponge.

My father might have been giving me a chance to prove myself to my mother like how my brothers yearned to prove themselves to him. Rather, to me, i didnt think it would do much but tire me out even more than i already was. And if i was unlucky enough i could even get stranded if my bond with my ikran started acting up again.

Having said that, we were only a little ways off from our destination so this had put my mind at ease about doing it. It seemed to calm my mothers mind as well, who seemed the least willing to let me part with them. It was also reassuring to her and, although i wouldnt admit it, to myself as well, that father had told me to catch up to them after a day and no later even if i had not found what i was sent looking for.

"Wow great idea, make a promise to your little sister to do something dumb when you both know you never break a promise" i said to myself out loud as there was now no one around to hear me.

Technically i never said i would find the thing, only look for it, but now i felt the need to find it before returning or it would nag at my conscience everytime i looked at tuks pouting face. As i knew she would be sulking about it for the next week at least and that wouldnt do after she was already sad enough having to leave her home.

The leather seat of my ikrans saddle burned into the sides of my legs from the extensive riding. I was sure that if i hadnt been wearing my riding pants that i would have had cuts lining my thighs from all the sharp turns i had to make in and around rock formations i had seen too late.

I definitely had burns from the leather because of all the jerking left and right of my ikran i had to do. I had been anxious the whole time we were riding, just waiting for my bond with my ikran to give out and for us both to go tumbling out of the sky together. My family would find out and- oh i couldnt even think about it any further.

But thankfully my ikran had held up and i got comfortable enough to have Tuk sit with me, to take her off my mothers hands, when i felt less anxious that we could possibly fall.

After a while of searching for Tuks posession i was lucky that i had found it and even more so that nothing bad had happened with my ikran or bond while i had been alone and separated from my family.

I had memorised the directions my father had explained and even written down for me and followed them to a tee. I soared over head flying lower to the sea than usual, trying not to give off a threatening posture as i arrived upon my destination.

I arrived in the early morning a day later than the rest of my family to the residence of the Metkayina clan. I saw many of the clans members working and doing chores around as i flew high above them.

They called out to me and i responded in as much of a friendly and non-threatening manner as i could in turn.

Even though my father had reassured me that the Metkayina clan would take them in the day before, i could not help but worry that they might have been turned away and i would have to go in search of them.

Although going in search of my family didnt seem very likely since i knew that even if they were turned away my father would have at least barginned with the Metkayina clans leaders for them to stay at least until i returned.

And when i did return if they could be so kind as to show hospitality until we were rested enough to continue our journey and move on to possibly the next nearest clan or whatever else father and mother had in mind.

When i finally landed on the bay of where the Metkayina clan dwelled i hopped off the back of my ikran onto the warm sand down below. It was an odd and new feeling but not one that was uplesant. What was really unpleasant was the way the people of the clan gathered around me immediately like a hawk to prey, looking at me like i was a meal.

We had learned all about the leaders of the Metkayina clan and how fierce they were before we departed, their Olo'eyktan Tonowari and especially their Tsahik Ronal. We had also learned about their children, the youngest Tsireya and the eldest and heir Ao'noung. This knowledge was deemed necessary for us to have by father if we were to ever make a good first impression or find our place in a diffrent clan.

When i felt their eyes roaming my body as if to look for any weakness they could find and exploit i did as i always would in these situations. I had observed many a time how my mother and father dealt with affairs and how they and other senior members of the clan showed their authority. But since i was suposed to keep a friendly attitude as my father had said i toned it down a bit, simply blocking out any and all ways i could appear weak to my new clan.

Shoulders down and back. Chin up. Hold your head high. Keeping your tail and ears stiff, dont let them twitch, dont move them. Dont fiddle or figet with your hands or anything else. Dont let the gleam in your eyes waver as they stare you down, soaking in every aspect of your being, even if you feel as if your awaiting death row.

And that was it. They backed off. The hungry gleam in their eyes faded out. Usually they relaxed back into themselves and carried on with what they were doing, mostly just ignoring me afterwards. Thats what the people in my clan did when i put up this version of my shield as they had grown used to the flame i had, the fire my heart contained. But the people here were not used to me, they seemed even slightly tense after the gleam had left their eyes, their confidence with it.

'Maybe this is what Grandmother had ment' i thought to myself as i witnessed the situation that played out before my eyes.

Instead of dropping and relaxing their shoulders completly they looked almost scruched up slightly as if I were the one who made them recline into themselves instead of the other way around like they thought it would be.

Yes. I was sure of it now. This is what my Grandmother had ment.

The spark im my heart. The one that i kept under wraps, contained, but that yearned to be set free, that yearned to rage a blazing fire. It peaked its head out at moments, moments like these and when it did it demanded respect. It could enrapture peoples attention and in turn their own hearts.

If only i could use it to its fullest, my fullest potential. But alas, i had to be careful. Be careful so as not to lose control of that spark, of that fire and burn away what i yearned to keep close. What was most precious even over my own heart, my soul, my own true self.

Soon enough a boy who looked around about my age passed through the crowd as they made a clear path for him to walk through. I assumed him to be the first born and heir of the clan, like my eldest brother had been of our former clan.

I had seen him arrive a little earlier then wence he approched me but he seemed to be looking on from afar and observing the situation, possibly seeing how i would react and if i would recline into myself or step up to the challenge. Thats what his eyes were telling me, they were hungry like the others had been and they still were after seeing my 'little performance'.

As he approched i put my hand to my head and brought it downwards lightly as a sign of respect. I had expected him to make some sly remark, even though i had always been told to 'never judge a book by its cover' by my father, but to my surprise, although i didnt show it, he returned my gesture in full.

His eyes still told an entirely diffrent story and i was far too used to that look to fall for it at this age. Yes, I'd play along. We could be civilised to each other as of right now, but in that moment i could tell with every ounce of my being that we both had the same thought.

'If you so much as step one foot out of line you'll answer to me'

Preditor had met preditor head on and prey hid for their lives. Of course this was all coated underneath a layer of politeness for the sake of peace and friendship. For the chance that would be given to the other until it was knowingly going to be broken one way or the other.

But he didn't know me. He didnt know what game he was playing, what game he was getting himself into. He had no idea what kind of self control i had. And if you havent already gathered from what you've read so far, I'll tell you, its a whole fuxking lot.

I could play the long game, the fun part was just watching how long he could keep up.

My attention was captured as my youngest sister ran up to me eagerly followed by my parents one after the other. They had heard word of my arrival after having kept look out for me for all of the time i was gone. Tuk started to search my body for her possession before she started jumping around when i returned it to her. Quickly there after, she hugged the lower half of my body as if she was latching onto me for dear life. I was embraced multiple times by my parents as well before i was hauled off to help my three other siblings who were setting up our new sleeping area.

As i went to see my new living quarters for the first time, with a new outlook on the situation i was thrust into with the rest of my family, i had a final thought.

'Maybe my new home wont be so bad after all'

~~~

Oh boy was i wrong. So very wrong.

I was standing waste deep in the water off the bay where the Metkayina clan resided. The first day of arrival had been given to my family for rest but i didnt get to indulge in that pleasure as we were quickly thrust into learning the ways of the Metkayina people. Today my siblings and i would be learning how to ride an ilu guided by Tsereya, Ao'nung and their friend Rotxo's instruction.

Apart from the semi-welcome, semi-unwelcome welcoming my family had recieved upon arrival they had not been hesitant to tech us all their ways and i was now starting to find my way here. Tuk had picked it up fast with Tsereya as her mentor and Kiri was a natural as usual without any instriction nessecary. My elder brothers Neteyam and Lo'ak had been taken to another area away from the rest of us to learn from Ao'nung and Rotxo. I wondered how they were doing and if it was going as well as how my sisters and i were doing.

Us three got lucky. Tsireya was a gentle soul. She was very kind and made sure to look after Tuk as the youngest. I cringed when i thought back to how my younger sister Kiri had informed me after my arrival, while snickering, that our older brother Lo'ak had eyes on her from the moment they had landed. She seemed to like him too, much to his delight. I would be happy to have her as my sister if it turned out that way but felt sorry if she was going to get stuck with my troublesome twin in the process.

With Tsireyas guidance i had picked up how to ride an ilu fairly quickly. It wasnt as hard as i thought it was going to be. I was nervous that i wouldnt get it right at the start, especially since about every joint in my body still ached from my extra long flight, but Tsireya made it feel more fun than like a chore.

As i first sat myself down onto the saddle of the ilu i stroked his head and leaned down to whisper to him a silent prayer. Wheather it was to the ilu, myself, Eywa or all three i wasn't completely sure.

'Please, please work. Keep on being normal like you have done so for the past few days.'

The ilu chittered in response, most likely not understanding me at all but it felt somehow reassuring even so.

Nothing had gone wrong over the past few days and i was starting to actually grow uneasy instead of being happy about it. It was almost like the calm before the storm and everyone knows how that scenario ends.

After Tsireya helped Kiri onto her ilu she had gone off on her own without a hitch, Tsireya then went to help and guide Tuk after making sure i could handle myself as the eldest there.

"I will stick beside Tuk the whole time, as she is a child. Please feel free to go off on your own and dont be burdened" she had said

"Yes, thank you" i replied after hoisting myself up onto the ilu i was given

It was definitely a new feeling, like the sand had been. Although it was not unpleasant, it did give me a certain anxiety. It was a joint mix of wheather or not my bond would work, if i could hold my breath long enough and if i could steer it properly because it was not my ikran.

But i was also partly excited. Excited to see the world below, like i knew Kiri was. She only had one thing on her mind ever since father had told us where we were heading for our destination.

Deciding to follow her i had my ilu go forward just like Tsireya had taught us to do. I wanted to see the look on my younger sisters face as she witnessed all her dreams about this place become real. And what a sight to behold it was. The way the water wrapped around me so tightly as i made my decent down into the depths below made me feel safer than i ever did in the forest.

It felt like being swaddled in a big blanket and as if none of my worries could reach all the way down here, just like how it felt when i would fly for hours on end up in the sky on my ikran. I saw Kiri off on her own not too far away, admiring the scenery and playing with little fish and other underwater animals i hadn't seen before that passed us by.

Down here the water was crystal clear and the sun danced off of every surface it touched making a kaleidoscope of patterns along them. I watched kiri as she let her body sway with the flow of the water as she rode her ilu, i copied her mannerisms and found how much easier it made riding my ilu properly already.

I let the water guide me as i passed under her, scanning the ocean floor and tracing my long slender fingers across any shells i saw in passing. I looked back and noticed kiri following me doing much the same thing. She noticed me and we both shared a smile as i could tell in that moment that we also shared the same feeling in or hearts.

Until mine was spiked by anxiety.

I couldn't breath. I had been intending to go up for air soon but now i couldn't breath for another reason. The calm before the storm. I knew it would never last, i was now in that storm. I could feel myself losing control once again and i almost screamed at myself in rage, losing any breath i still had.

With what control i had left over my tsaheylu with my ilu i rushed towards the surface as fast as i could, leaving Kiri behind. I felt my ilu thrashing around as it was loosing my guidance and instruction but we eventually broke the suface of the water. I felt the buring in my lungs cease as i gasped in the air i was presented with.

I quickly detached my que from my ilu and broke the bond. My ilu gradually calmed down with just a few pats and strokes from myself and began chittering away to itself once again in no time.

Kiri broke through the water not even a minute later. After following me to the surface she had an odd look on her face.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah i just needed a breather, you know?" I replied to her questioning, noticeably out of breath as my heart raced a million miles a minute.

"Me too. It's hard to hold your breath for that long. We still need to get used to some things here."

"Yeah..." i was glad i didnt have to be the one to explain myelf, she seemed to have covered all the excuses i had whipped up in the minute i had to think about what i might say. It wasn't exactly like i was lying though, i really was planning on going up to gather my breath anyway.

I was just witholding a small piece of information that wasnt necessary to give her at all. It would only stress her out.

Tsireya and Tuk had joined us not long later to catch their breath as well and with that we all joined back up with the boys for a joint lesson on breathing.

The sun was setting behind us as exlipse was drawing nearer and we all sat in a circle to focus on the techniques shown to us by the kids of the Metkayina clan. By now with todays techings we had all picked up the basic nessecities of the skills we needed to not be a nuisance to the Metkayina clan while staying with them from here on out.

Thanks to these techings i learned how to hold my breath for longer which was a good experience except for the fact that i had to sit next to Lo'ak and witness as he spluttered nervously like a love struck fool when Tsireya so much as touched him.

I looked over at Kiri and made a face before we both erupted in fits of giggles, working hard to stifle our laughter so as not to embarrass our brother any more than he was doing so on his own. The day faded away into eclipse with laughter and hearts that were full.

I know i said i was wrong about thinking staying here wouldn't be so bad after all but...

Thats not the bad part.

In fact everything started off relatively normal. Everyone was kind and happy but i wonder if that really all was just a facade. Just a layer of politeness over everyones real feelings for the sake of diplomacy. I couldn't tell what the future held then, but even if i tried i sure as hell wouldn't have guessed in a million years.

Though it did start going downhill the way i always knew it would. Because there would always be people who saw us, my family, my siblings and even i as less then na'vi, as human, as alien.

My brother, my twin, being treated as live fish bait and what was i doing? Absolutely nothing. I should have been there for him, i shouldnt have let that happen and even worse he took the blame for all of it. For that a$$hole Ao'noung who started this whole mess and i bet didnt even thank my brother in return for covering for him.

Our parents might not have been able to tell Lo'ak was covering for Ao'noung or maybe they did but they didnt see what had happened themselves so they just had to take the word of the one owing up to it. Either way i knew my brother and even if i had not seen what had happened between the two of them or outside the reef where he was attacked i wouldnt believe his pretty lies.

He was not the type to own up, as much as it pains me to say, our older brother was always the one to stick up for him. And even when he did Lo'ak would never retaliate and say it was his fault and not our elder brothers, letting him take the blame as he pleased. I knew my twin did not do this because it came from a bad place, because he had a bad heart, but because he was scared.

I knew that much, we were twins after all, like i said before, it would be wierd if we didnt have at least a couple things in common. But i suppose i wouldnt know as much as i used to about him now, we had grown more separated than we used to be. I take the responsibility for that due to my own fear. We both feared the unknown, he feared failure and letting people down and so did i.

Mabey we were, are, more alike than i had previously thought. As we grew further apart i started to think that we never really had anything in common but how would i really know since we never talked deeply about anything. We didnt confide in each other, we didnt know what the other was thinking and somethimes i wondered or even hoped that he might feel the same as me.

Only this time in a diffrent way. I thought it might be the case when we all saw him return safely, he owned up and my father said the harshest words he could have to him.

"You dishoner this family"

I could only imagine how my brother was feeling but as for me i felt them in my soul. We are twins so i could assume Lo'ak felt the same, only much worse since he was the one those words were directed at.

But they made me feel sick to my stomach, when i heard those words it dropped straight down and then lurched upwards like i was being spun around and around. This was because we are twins, he is one half of me, the other half of me. I felt those words to my core and they whispered that i was next.

Sometimes i think theres something wrong with me.

I have both my parents and my siblings. Theyre all nice people and none of them have died. I have a nice home, a nice clan and a nice grandmother. I have people who will support me through anything. So when i see them in front of me i know i should feel something...but i dont.

These are the people who raised me, who are my parents, who love me. They gave me a home and shelter, they fed me and protect me. They are the people i call to when i have a problem that i cant fix on my own or when im sick because i need thay sense of familiarity. Because they are my safety net. The only safety i know, they always have been.

So i know i should love them, i should reciprocate these feelings...but i dont. I look at them and i feel nothing. I think ive been tricking myself into thinking that i really do feel something, that i really love them and that i dont feel like its just because they were the only ones who protected me as i grew up. Because i had no choice in the matter and no one else to give me that sense of familiarity and safety.

And when i came to realise this, that i had been tricking myself, living in my own ignorance and delision, i started to act...started to lie. I thought 'well if i can trick myself what would be so hard about showing that emotion outwards and making life better for everyone else with a little white lie'.

'Lying is a form of love'.

With this white lie people would then begin to say 'you look happier as of late', 'you smile more now', 'you've changed', 'im glad your finally opening up to us'...

No. Its a lie. Its all a lie!

This isnt the real me.

Its just the me that keeps the peace, keeps the balance, keeps a sembalance of normality and familiarity because im scared of letting go, im scared of the outcome and im scared of hurting others even when i dont mean to. But how can i help it if its what i really feel, if its the real me, I cant help it, i dont know whats wrong with me....so i just lie instead. Its the better option...for everyone, everyone but me.

You often times hear how mothers or fathers do not feel connected with their child after its birth. They feel nothing towards this child and feel great grief over it, knowing they should feel all these diffrent emotions toward their child. They think somethings wrong with them but then over time as they are around the child more and watch it grow they learn to connect to the child, to love it. They watch them become their own person and the cycle might continue once that child becomes an adult and has children of its own, it has done so with many others.

I feel like that too. Can it be the same thing but the opposite way around, with the child being the one who wants to learn to love their parents? It wasnt always like this, i think i used to love them but my memories of my childhood have all faded into one big blur. I cannot recall any memories save for a few that have impacted me the most and only these i recalled recently or have kept with me and never once have left my mind. So i want to learn how to love them again, not just for them but also for me.

Lying and acting go hand in hand. One cannot exist without the other. You lie to act and you act to lie.

Thats the way i see it. Because i have known no diffrent. I do not know how to portray my feelings, my emotions, outwardly...not the real ones at least. So i lie. I lie and i act and i lie some more. Over and over and over again until i get twisted up in this web, this net of lies and fall down the rabbit hole until i dont even remember what i was like before. Before the lies, before all of it.

I dont know who the real me is anymore. But there is one thing i know, one thing i cant do.

Imagine this ; your going to bed at night and your parent comes to see you off one final time before you fall into your dreamland, and they say 'goodnight, sleep tight', 'see you in the morning', 'I love you'.

All the normality in the world, all the feelings and safety that should make you feel happy but all you feel instead is grief. Grief at yourself for only being able to reply back with a 'Okay' or 'Night' or a 'See you tomorrow' but never being able to utter the words 'I love you'. Because they carry so much weight to you, so much raw emotion that you cannot let escape from your being in fear. Pure fear of the unknown, of what will happen if you put these feelings on display, for the whole world to see.

Its not that i hate them, my parents, i just need to relearn how to let love win over fear, let them take my worries so i can love without restraint. Its like my heart is aching to be let out of its confinments within my chest where its tamed and trained to let the outershell act and lie while it rots away my entire being from the inside out.

Because 'I love you' are the only words i cannot speak out loud.

They are the only words i cannot bring myself to lie.

☆☆☆

@jakesully-sbabygirl @dreamsholdpowers @alohastitch0626 @1ntefly @arminsgfloll @bobojojoba69 @bucky12345 @destinylb @exactlyhappyflower @eternallyvenus @heart-an0n

(Everyone who used to read this is gone by now just watch😭✋)

#avatar #avatar way of water #avatar x reader #avatar x you #fanfiction #jake sully #kiri sully #lo'ak sully #neytiri #neteyam sully #tuk sully #platonic sully family x reader #platonic x reader #platonic

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chlorinecake · 4 months

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I just saw what that anon said and I can really really relate I feel like there's no way I can like them cuz I'm black I feel like. Weird for having a crush on Ni-ki cuz I'm black and even though I know there's no chance anyway cause he probably doesn't date fans obviously lol It makes me ashamed especially because people are always saying "what if / he probably doesn't like black girls/people" and it makes me feel like I'm less beautiful because I'm black and even if he did date fans I mean I'm like SOOOO ugly like atrocious but it makes me feel like even if I was a little bit more pretty he wouldn't like me or would dismiss me cause I'm black or like I wouldn't be good enough or he'd be disgusted or disappointed or weirded out because I'm black and a fan /has a crush on him and besides him it makes me feel like enhypen wouldn't talk to me or treat me the same cuz I'm not Asian or white like I couldn't be a fan or wouldn't be as important or pretty or cool or even just they wouldnt want me as a fan or like me or even look my way cause im black its gotten so bad that people dont evn have to say that anymore (they do but they dont have too) for me to think that way. Like I know we all saw that pretty engene video with that girl with the glasses and i couldn't help but make it about race like thinking would they look at me like that or would I be ugly abd weird cause I'm black ? Or if she was black would they still think she's pretty? Or would they even put the camera on her if she was black ? Anyway I'm rambling but being black is something I struggle with even without people saying the group I like or the guy I have a crush on (Niki obviously) wouldn't like me or would hate me for being black . Or they would be uncomfortable or disgusted with me because I'm black so it's just hard to even see myself meeting them or *even to imagine myself in reader fanfics even if the reader's supposed to be black because I've convinced myself that the only way I'd be pretty or attractive or they'd be friends withe or date me in Ni-kis case is if I was white or Asian* (*just talking about from a fanfic standpoint for this one* but yeah) but yeah it sucks and

Okay, I REFUSE to sit here and let you talk down on yourself like that. I don’t care how true you may think it is, YOU ARE NOT UGLY, Mirah ~ You’re beautiful, from head to toe, melanated skin, curly hair and all. Black women are beautiful, it’s disgusting to me how society has brought some of us to a point where we feel insecure, undesirable, or unworthy of affection from others. My words might not do much to encourage you, because finding confidence (esp as a black girl) takes time. But I really urge you to understand that you can’t expect other ppl to accept you when you don’t even accept yourself. Wish I could give you the BIGGEST hug rn, bc this actually hurts to read :(

Another point, I’ve seen plenty videos of Enhypen (along with other kpop groups) connecting with colored fans in the same way they do with their supporters of a fairer complexion, but I won’t share any of those videos here bc I don’t want you to seek “proof” as a way for you to feel better abt yourself.

On the flip side, let’s say that some ppl in the kpop industry DO have a prejudice (which I’m sure some do): your life and happiness isn’t dependent on their validation.

Let’s not even get started on how a lot of Ni-Ki’s favorite artists are black (Riki Jackson ? Bro would’ve never called himself that if he was racist)… but anyway, colored people like any other group of individuals can b really amazing once they get past their insecurities and embrace the way God made them. Jst know that u can always come to be if your struggling with something or just want to vent <3

#[🐮] moots ~#🍓. talks <3 #niki x black reader #enhypen x black reader

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lawluenvy · 1 year

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look.

they did not have to make alhaitham this hot but they did and im losing my mind over it and him and zhongli just... THEY DID NOT HAVE TO MAKE THEM SO ATTRACTIVE BUT THEY DID AND I CANT TAKE IT!

i wanna kiss them both so bad.

i wanna brush and braid zhongli's hair, do his eyeliner and listen to him tell me every single legend and lore he knows and i would become a GODDAMN EXPERT at making tea so i could make him tea all the time whenever he wants it.

i wanna read a book with haitham in his arms under a tree or lay down in his lap both of us with our own books and he will 100% make judgemental comments about me reading cheesy fantasy while he reads about the history of liyuen calligraphy or some shit.

AND THEN THERE'S FUCKING THOMA!!! WHO I CANT EVEN THINK/SPEAK ABOUT WITHOUT COMBUSTING!!!

i would be the CLINGIEST most OBNOXIOUS girl in his life and i would totally fight ayato for him --- actually that's a blatant lie (unless ayato was an asshole cuz im protective as fuck) i'd actually be That person who's like "oh i just want him to be happy" and then proceed to die as soon as he marries someone else lmao like i am not the type who would push to be in his life but also if it didnt work out what is even the point i wouldnt stick around and be miserable

and then ayaka... we could dance in the river in chinju forest together and then we'd go back to her estate and she'd offer me a change of clothes cuz we'd have water all over our skirts but then we'd get distracted talking late into the night and then she'd invite me to stay over and just... GAH! I CANT.

imagine being in an OT3 with ayathoma that would be stupid honestly that's too much good in one place i would be so unworthy.

anyways these are my asexual fictional obsession crush fantasies and i am not even remotely ashamed of them im so beyond shame when it comes to my fangirling cuz feeling shame about your interests and the things that make you happy is very junior high and i got sick of that so fast

#arrie rambles #mine #text #genshin #zhongli #thoma #ayaka #daydreaming #ace #i am a fucking loser and I DON'T EVEN CARE #arrie rants #alhaitham

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dumbbitchfrommars · 6 months

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okay.

im purging the past. thats whats happening. scorpio season has come through guns blazing, bringing reminders of my distant past that ive struggled to let go of despite all my adamance that it doesnt matter anymore. it always mattered. it mattered so much it kept me from living my life, from meeting new people, from realising that i was worth so much better.

maybe i wasnt worth better. but now i am. it took time, i grew up, i changed. i found out who i am. what i value. what matters to me, how i could embody that and how i could attract that into my life with that outlook.

and now... the tests begin. days in a row of reminders from the past. murray was the worst of it, or maybe he was the least of it? he was the beginning. and jacinta was the end. alan was the end. im better than all of it. even sexy, beautiful, pretty photography boy murray. hes just another version of luke and adam. there are few people who are worthy of me now, and honestly, i am still not ready for a man in my life. but when i am i will see the signs. my era is friendships. finding the fulfilling, heart expanding, easy, connected friendships with women that i always dreamed and desired for. when i was a little girl. when i grew up. its always been about finding my forever tribe. and im beginning to find the foundations of that...

and even if theyre not forever, theyre right now, and i know my worth and i know how to protect my energy if things go awry. the most important thing is that i feel loved, and i feel surrounded by love, and i feel the freedom of being able to share all the love and kindness i hold in my heart, without being afraid of it being taken for granted or sucked away with nothing given in return. i am so blessed and lucky to have reached this turning point in my life.

and it only took until 22.

i came on here to write about all the reminders from the past... to go into detail about the signs and symbols and synchronicities... but they werent the forefront. well - they were. they happened and they triggered the memories to come back up. but the fact is... ive spent so much time on them already. i dont need to re analyse people ive spent hours drawing in my mind. the signs were there for a reason and i like to think i appreciate that divine reason. God sends me challenges only because she knows I can handle them. because she knows i will adapt to them, grow from them, and see the message she wanted me to hear... to see the subtext in that message. the subtext!

not to mention me seeing 11:11 while breaking down in tears about all my boy troubles. the truth is, they were all unworthy of me in the same exact ways. i wont gain anything from having them in my life in the same way i havent lost anything by removing them from it. they served a purpose, yes. they helped me. they taught me so much. but they were never meant to last. and now im stronger for it. everything happens for a reason. ive never felt stronger than i do right now. i rejected a guy that the old me wouldnt have felt worthy of even flirting with. it was so simple and quick too. i did that. i was strong enough to protect my own energy. and thats because i am so in love with and committed to myself. and that is how i strengthen my relationship with myself.

and that is how i made all my desires a reality, because once upon a time i was so heartbroken because i kept letting myself down. because i felt responsible for all the mistakes made by the ones who hurt me. but i get to choose who hurts me.

im making space for people who will love me unconditionally the way i love myself. that appreciate my voice, my thoughts, my creativity, my light. that see me and hear me and want to shower me with love.

ive literally shifted my life into a new fucking timeline. ive changed my whole reality.

while my heart breaks for the ones i once loved. i send out a prayer for them, for their healing, and for their happiness. but my own wellbeing is my priority now. the way it should always be, the way it will always be now. I AM MY PRIORITY. my happiness. im sorry (no, im really not), but i come first. and so it is....

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8-bit-space · 2 years

Text

A fic from the depths for ace day, unbeta'd.

Felix x mc

"Theres probably something I should tell you before this goes any further" they say, as they lie with felix on his bed at Blackthorn manor. Felix looks up at them from his position on their chest

"What, that you haven't actually liked me this entire time, and everything you did before was just to be nice to me because you felt bad?" He says in a tone serious enough that youd believe him if it werent for the slight smirk on his face. Still, you have suspicions of hidden truths in his self deprecating jokes, so you roll your eyes and say " of course not, felix. I wouldnt waste our time like that"

"Then what's wrong? Surely it couldn't be anything worse than that" hes shifted to look up at you now, concern growing as he notices the seriousness of your expression. "I dont think it's that bad"

you begin, "but many of my previous partners clearly thought It was a deal breaker, so I suppose i should tell you too."

You pause, considering your words carefully. "Have you heard of asexuality before?"

Felix seems affronted that you even had to ask. "Of course I have, I am educated you know, why?" Hes shifted up onto his elbow to look down at you with his brow furrowed. You take a deep breath as you begin

"What If I told you I was? Would that change anything? If I told you that I would never sleep with you, would you still want to stay?" Felix goes quite for a moment as he considers this. The two of you having moved to be propped up on your elbows, facing eachother. When felix speaks, he looks right at you.

"Do you really think that I would leave you simply because of something as trivial as that?"

"Trivial? My entire life people from all sides have told me I am unworthy of love if I do not forgo my own personal boundaries and put out. My family have called me a wet fish, selfish, you name it. That doesnt seem very trivial to me" the words spill out of my mouth with more contempt than I mean for them to, and i grimace in apology.

Felix is scowling now "why in the hundred hells did they think they had the right to talk to you like that? Its utter nonsense, all of it. To think I'd leave you after everything that has happened in the past weeks. After putting on a frankly mortifying display of practically begging you not to go. And for such a small thing as that?" His words have more anger behind them then I think either of us expected, but he keeps going. "I had spent the better part of our time together wondering over your thoughts of me, if you could even see me in the way I see you, It is a relief just to find out you feel the same way as I do. For me to throw all of that away merely because you wont sleep with me would be idiotic." He huffs I smile gently, touched by the passion with which he spoke.

"So you want to stay?" I confirm.

"Yes, absolutely- it would be a lonely existence without you in it" he says with a squeeze to my hand, and I breath a sigh of relief. We curl back down on the bed together as I murmur my thanks.

#last legacy

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diamo-chan · 2 years

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Maxim, 21, cosplayer, starsworn-recruit

Moments of relevance to my MCs relationship to Felix - feel free to skip

Everywhere Maxim appears he is known to be a ray of sunshine. The confident class president that volunteers wherever he may help others, working part-time to support his dad, while still ace-ing all subjects and bringing victory to the team with his athletic skills. Loved, admired and idolized, just how it's expected from him.

Max kindness instantly drew Felix in. Touchstarved, wierd Fe, who wore his heart on the sleeve and saw a blurred image of his past lovers gentle smile. The Problem: Max is unable to deal with love. It's the worst pressure to him, something that puts him under the constant fear of disappointing the other party. Felix affection, the care beyond friendship, was softly unsettling him.

In contrast to Clemency, Maxim seems to be a natural at magic. But his internal emotional instability causes many spells to go haywire on him. Felix learned the hard way that his laissez-faire tutoring style has the risk of Max accidentally destroying his study. Eventually Felix reorganized the stack of books for his apprentices and only left him with the theoretic lectures. Practical training was restricted to the moments when they were together.

The young mage was soft and gentle in his romantic advances. Hesitant at first. but at the end of the day, when he had been alone perched up in his study, Felix always checks on him. At times Maxim would be sent to the market to get tools, food or fresh tea. Even if Fe 's not nearby it still feels as if he is watching out for him, feeling protective after the Celena incident. Thought he couldn't protect him from Rime's wrath.

Rime's hatred burned so brightly. All the good, that was said about the old captain didn't fall in line with the man before him. Max ruined a life, left a man with no place to call home, neither a house, nor people. All because Maxim had selfishly clung to the to the most convenient solution of getting out of the mess the Astrolabe brought him into. He felt pathetic, unworthy of love, disgusting.

The kiss that breathed life back into his dead body was too much to handle. Sure, Felix was handsome, fairly attractive from an objective point of view. Max thought of his adorable passionate way of ranting, the coy smirk when he feels confident enough to be a little prick. Dread rose up in the redhead's chest at the prospect of rejecting a boy that was in the process gift him a portion of his own life.

The guilt of being responsible for someone's misfortune ate him up from the inside. Max closed off completely. He needs to get home, where he belongs. Dead set he wouldnt let Felix get close, wouldn't hurt him when the point comes. It'll leave Felix and Rime to one another, to be lovers once more, ... right?

So every day over and over again he stared to remind Felix, that he still had to save his old love, that there was still hope for them. That he shouldn't settle for less than what he is worth. He asked the mage to tell him stories of the old times. Those memories Max created a deep respect of the man that Rime had once been.

After the incident with the Lord of Shadows, and meeting the ex-captain on less hostile ground, the fear of the man that he had become lessened. Once Felix returned to the living, magic lessons were cut entirely. Meanwhile Max joined Fe in his depressive state. If he was better at handling the Astrolabe, faster at opening portals, Felix would still have his powers. Rime would have managed.

Throughout his own frustration with his slow recovery progresses Felix never neglected telling Max how much he appreciated his company, how he was exactly what Fe needed. Seeing as Felix never in all that time blamed any of this mess they were in on the redhead, Maxim started to accept his affection. And even if he felt like he didn't deserve any of it, by God, did he crave it.

To be added to once I figure, where this goes

#last legacy mc #mc maxim #felix iskandar escellun

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cheswirls · 2 years

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op1032 theory #2 aka the more plausible one

in which komurasaki is hiyori, taking her line to zoro near the end of act 2 very literally. how did she get on the island? i mean tama got on the island and you could argue tama had the help of speed n co but she still stands out as a small child in peasant clothing so. take what you will.

i get the feeling of kanjuro told orochi about hiyori, then through him denjiro learned of her location as well. securing or even moving her before orochi could find her would've been easy, but i like to think maybe he got orochi to leave her demise to him while he departed for the fire festival. him slaying komurasaki earlier in the arc already proves to orochi that he has no qualms about cutting down pretty, "defenseless" woman, so thats more points in his favor. at the very least he could promise to hold her captive for him until he returns to the flower capital.

in the meantime, denjiro gets hiyori and relocates her, specifically to amigasa where the tengu is. the timeline is wonky but we know the scabbards traveled across kuri to the port which had to take some time, considering how long it took chopper and co to reach udon riding on the back of a giant sharkodile. and everyone departed shortly after they left to go gather all their ships. so there was a timeframe where amigasa was empty, save for the tengu, housing the last of oden's swords.

my idea is hiyori is relocated to amigasa for safety, denjiro puts his master plan to free the captured samurai in motion, and hiyori gets an idea, and a purpose, and is spurred to action, all by being reunited with oden's sword. the tengu tells her momo didn't take it, that he feels himself unworthy, and perhaps she takes strongly to that, because (in that moment) she was the eldest, she was the adult, she was the one that endured 20 years of suffering, and she should be the one to end things in his stead.

so hiyori runs off with the sword and ends up at onigashima. she could steal off a number of ways actually. if she was near the treasure repository already when the scabbards were transported there, maybe she somehow snuck in with orochi's procession, since he was bringing tide or whatever to kaido? regardless i am more and more inclined to believe now that she's the one who heals the scabbards after their defeat, leaves before they can see her (and the way oda frames this is genius! no one knows who helps them. the one who caught a faint glimpse of someone "familiar" was kawamatsu, who met hiyori once as a 26yo. denjiro is the one who doesnt speak up, and the one who told hiyori they musn't reveal themselves up until the very end, so it would make sense if he realized it was her but chose to not say anything. none of the scabbards sans those two know what 26yo hiyori looks like, only that she's alive.) and hangs around that area in secret, waiting. its outside that room that the scabbards cut down orochi, and in 1032 he's residing in that very same room they were all gathered in. at the very least he was in the same area near the entire time after being cut down by kaido, and if hiyori is the one who heals the scabbards, her being there makes sense as well.

small caveat may or may not buy into, but denjiro is the only scabbard whos location is unknown. hes one of the ones who cuts orochi's heads, but when the scabbards split, he's already gone. how likely is it that he circled back to see hiyori, having recognized her? i cant see him caring about finishing orochi after kin'emon's comment in the last scene he was in (but at the same time wouldnt he?? wouldnt he be the one scabbard who would love to be orochi's demise, given his rage for so many years, to the point of disfigurement?? much to think abt hmm) but him wanting to see whats up with hiyori being there without alerting the others would make sense. holding their cards until the very end. especially with one more act to put on

because orochi now knows about the scabbards. he knows about denjiro. he's been alerted to hiyori. he knows his ghosts of kozuki are real and after him, even if they aren't ghosts anymore. but theres one more person dead that could be a ghost, and her coming back as a kozuki would be his worst nightmare.

orochi doesn't know what hiyori looks like. but he knows what komurasaki looks like. and what a shame it would be, if his love was revealed to be one of the ghosts that have haunted him for the past 20 years. if she's the one to finish him, the yamata no orochi, off, with the aid of the ame no habakiri. she gave up her sword, but if her brother ws unwilling to accept his own just yet, she would borrow it and do what needed to be done.

(that plus. enma has already been shown to be crazy sword-wise. and knowing oden both of his swords have to have some special trick. hiyori is the youngest and given the unruly sword, makes me think shes gotta have some background sword training to be given that honor, unless honestly oda jus did it as a gimmick to give zoro the sword but like. oda does some strange things? so if it turns out momo as the eldest was given the surperior sword, imagine what kind of blade ame no habakiri has to be? and we don't know anything about it yet, save its scabbard color. in wano especially, that has to come back into play, and its gotta be w orochi given his devil fruit. oda wouldn't name the sword that with a main villain like that and not do anything w it. and im so, so excited to see where he takes this)

#one piece 1032 #kozuki hiyori #one piece #i am SO excited for next week #1033 is gonna be insane no matter where it cuts to BUT #i wanna see what shes gonna do

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voidselfshipp · 2 years

Text

Rosemary

Cw: heavy vent, feelings of being unlovable/unworthy of love/ self depreciation

Only mutuals okay to rb.

Summary: jerico is having a rough day and orym comforts her.

A/n: heres me pouring my heart out :)

Taglist: @tex-treasures @samsbeckett

Jerico wrapped herself tighter in her fluffy blanket, looking at the heavy rain

With her knees against her chest, she tries to hold back a sob, almost not noticing orym creeping in bed with her.

-- hey...-- he said softly, putting a hand on her back

She didnt look at him and only balled up tighter in around herself.

-- look, I know you havent had the best of times lately, and I know you feel like nobody would love you, but I do, I love you so much...-- he tries to wrap his arms around her as tight as he can-- why wouldnt I? Youre beautiful, you have the most beautiful green eyes ive ever seen, your smile melts me like chocolate in summer, you understand the world around you in such a particular way, and the way you feel is as deep as the Ocean-- the halfling tried to press her against his chest-- you have this ability to adapt to anything that life throws at you, you are this adorable little thing that worries so much for others, you care so deeply for this world, but you never take care of yourself...

Orym presses a kiss to the top of her head-- I know you think you dont deserve to take care of yourself, I know youve been taught that all the good things you do are your responsability and not to be celebrated, they are wrong, the good things you do should be celebrated, because theres so Many things wrong on this earth but you decided to be kind...

Jerico, dear, youre not forgettable, you could never be forgotten, youre a sun that lights up the life of anyone you meet, sometimes people are just...blind...or they dont have the right sunglasses...

He Gently lifted his girlfriend's face up by the chin-- sunshine, its not your fault okay?.... listen to me, its. Not. Your. Fault. Youre doing the best you can, and anyone who doesnt see that? Thats their loss, some people dont appreciate good things...but that doesnt take away any value of those things

Jerico, youre a good person, one day somebodys gonna notice that, and they'll feel like they discovered a hidden treasure, I promise you.

Jeri sniffed looking away and melting into orym's embrace as he kept talking-- you are lovable, and though people dont notice your kindness, or dont count you as a possible romantic interest, that doesnt mean you arent lovable, they are just dumb

But I love you, and ill Keep loving you forever...-- he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, to then grow some rosemary on his hand-- I read rosemary means love, fidelity, and rememberance, and I think it suits you.... for one, you love with all your heart, second, youre loyal to those you value... and third, people who met you Will never forget whatever contribution you gave them...-- gently, he puts the rosemary behind her ear-- I love you

Jerico didnt say a Word, only pressed further against his chest and nodded-- I...I love you too-- she said before breaking into heavy sobbing.

-- its okay, you've carried enough on your own...-- orym hugged jeri tighter, encouraging to let out every bad feeling through tears.

Once she was calmer, he gave her a glass of water and kissed her, quietly holding her until she fell asleep.

He took one last look at her before falling asleep. She was a rosemary indeed because he could never forget such gentle soul.

#ask to tag #🌹🌱⚔ blooming hearts and swords⚔🌱🌹#orym tag pending

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serpents-den · 3 years

Text

okay so we need to talk.

we need to have a conversation about snape's memories because it was a shit show.

and as we all are heavily biased over these characters let's just picture it with some i just made up.

so we have amanda, christopher, sara, lyra, hector, stacy and anton

amanda and sara are best friends since they were 9. sara was often treated badly for being poor, different and overall not having the best personality ever. her parents are neglectful and abusive, amanda is probably the first person to ever be kind to her. and sara loves amanda, she's the only one in their little town that is also weird like her, they can do things nobody else can.

amanda and sara start spending time together. amanda asks sara if it makes a difference that she's a muggle-born, sara hesitates because while she has never met another muggle-born, her magic isn't less for having a muggle father, lily still has magic so it doesn't matter if she's muggle-born does it? sara is not prejudiced, not yet at least.

that day amanda's older sister, stacy, spies on them and when she's caught she's mean to sara and makes fun of her clothing (again, shes poor). sara is angry and overwhelmed which makes her accidental magic lash out and a branch almost falls on stacy. amanda, regardless of how mean stacy is to her, gets mad at this and blames it on sara. again — this was accidental magic, it doesn't take a genius to say it was an accident.

years pass and they are still close, they get their hogwarts letters and are ready to go on the train despite the earlier argument stacy and amanda had. sara doesn't know why stacy is so important to amanda, yeah she's her sister but she's a muggle AND she's mean. sara doesn't care much for her father either, he's a muggle and he's mean too.

they get in a compartment and meet lyra and christopher. they try to talk but sara is not a people's person. sara then claims she wants to be in her mother's house, slytherin, and encourages amanda to do the same. the other two almost horrified when christopher claims he is hoping for gryffindor and sara teases the house, but, sara is raised in the muggle world, all she knows about this world is what her mother says and what she reads in books. it's not really her view at the moment, she's just repeating what she knows.

at that moment lyra, whos hoping to be anything but slytherin, decides sara is worth teasing too and gives her the horrible nickname of snivella. they are eleven.

years pass and amanda and sara have an argument.

'... thought we were supposed to be friends?' sara said. 'best friends?'

and the matter is that amanda dislikes the people sara hangs out with. let's make something clear, after that horrid encounter with christopher and lyra their gang has decided to hex people they blatantly dislike but their favourite victim is sara, she's really bullied and chances are people who try to get next to her will get too so everyone tries not to. and now sara has people that are willing to be near her despite her being a poor, half-blood in slytherin, people from her own house. and amanda doesn't like them? well too bad!

yes anton is creepy and he might not be the nicest dude to be around, but he's in sara's house and either amanda likes it or not, sara needs friends. sara is bullied out of slytherin and then looked down upon within her house, amanda would never get it though, does she believe sara can only cling onto amanda for dear life? is amanda the only friend sara is supposed to have when other houses ignore her or bully her? amanda is a prefect, she's popular, she would never get it

anton was a bitch to mary the other day, he hexed her. amanda tells sara that was dark magic. all hexes are dark magic. christopher and his cronies always hex people when they feel like it but amanda never feels as inclined to talk shit about them as she does about sara's only friends.

sara tries to tell amanda the truth about the situation. tries to tell her christopher's gang is worse than what she thinks they are. yes christopher saved sara from being turned or eaten by hector, his werewolf friend, but after years od bullying how is she not supposed to believe anything other than the fact he got cold feet about murder? the headmaster forced sara to be silent about it, but sara knows and sees how amanda is about christopher. she wants to warn her, please they are not who you think they are. they almost got her killed, sara doesn't think they are good people at all despite christopher's reputation as popular gryffindor chaser and lyra's dazzling good looks.

sara is the only one who sees them for what they are and wants to open amanda's eyes and then amanda has the nerve to call her ungrateful? because she's heard christopher has saved her? but she doesn't ponder on what was she saving her from, on what they were both doing there, on how christopher knew whatever sara was looking for. but amanda is clever, is not that she can't see, she doesn't want to see.

'... I just don’t want to see you made a fool of – he fancies you, Christopher fancies you!’

and sara is not saying this as some sort of christopher's love rival, she doesn't want to see amanda made a fool of because she doesn't think christopher's a good person and she can't just tell her best friend how his gang tried to kill her because she has no support even from the teachers.

amanda says she knows christopher is an arrogant toe-rag but sara's friends are no better. but why would she complain about the only people willing to spend time with sara and not about the ones who bully her all the time? but sara is not focused on that, amanda said she knows how christopher is. she relaxes, maybe there is hope, maybe.

then one day, christopher and lyra decide to attack sara with her own spells. and doesn't that scream stalker? they attack her and its horrible, publicly, in front of the lake and she can't even defend herself. but even if sara is not conventionally pretty or rich, she's prideful. and amanda jumps to the rescue, in her own way.

amanda starts riling up christopher and lyra, "trying to get them to stop" and sara can't stop herself from feeling betrayed. does amanda think she can't handle this after years of bullying? does she think this is the worst they can do? bloody hell, lyra tried to kill her! amanda is a prefect. and she's talking to them, talking to them, being angry, she's shouting.

amanda doesn't take points, doesn't call for a teacher, amanda doesn't give detention. amanda just talks to them and then she asks that ill fated question.

'What's she done to you?'

isn't it obvious amanda, it took sara some minutes to earn his hatred when they were eleven and she hurt christopher's ego.

‘Well,’ said Christopher, appearing to deliberate the point, ‘it’s more the fact that she exists, if you know what I mean …’

and everyone laughs, its humiliating, everyone fucking laughs but amanda and the coward of hector, both are prefects. amanda is doing nothing and hector is ignoring everything. sara knows better, she knows hector is not doing this for her sake, however, he knows she is aware of his lycanthropya and tries not to get her mad, because he's afraid she'll tell. ha! as if she could without facing expulsion.

and sara's pride jumps, tired of amanda's useless talking with christopher. and she calls her a mudblood.

its what severed their friendship. sara had been spending too much time with anton and the likes of him, she's heard what they say about muggle-borns, and hell even if she is a mudblood, her father is a muggle! and she got that from them, not like amanda would listen, not that she would care. sara made a mistake and will pay for it.

but amanda is sara's oldest friend, the only one that really matters. the first one to be kind to her, her amanda. but amanda is no longer sara's friends and sara has subconsciously chosen her side of the war when she was desperate of not being an outcast in slytherin.

and amanda says she's made excuse over the years for her, years of being friends with slimy, gloomy sara. none of her friends understood why she even talked to sara — but what amanda didn't realise is that while sara was getting groomed by blood purists who saw amanda as an inferior because of her blood, she was getting groomed by her friends who thought sara was unworthy of her friendship. in the end they were both preparing to the end of their friendship without even realising.

and theres going to be a war, and theres sadly only two sides. so yeah, maybe sara's morals suck, but she's fifteen and she knows where christopher and lyra and fucking hector and that rat looking friend of theirs are going to be. sara knows she never had a shot in the light side since the moment she teased the gryffindor house and that's something amanda will never get, because she's not in slytherin. amanda is not part of the house everyone thinks of as evil. and you know what happens when everyone claims you are evil since you are eleven? you believe if. everyone says you are evil so you might as well be.

why would she think kindly of muggles when the only acceptable ones are amanda's parents? even her sister is a bitch. her father is horrible and he's a muggle. she's always been looked down upon for being different in cokeworth, for being a freak.

and maybe muggle-borns were bad, maybe, but amanda would never because amanda is her best friend and she loves her.

and maybe a death eater is what she wants to be, because death eaters may look down on her for being a half-blood, but at least they want her. they dont push her out, they dont bully her, they dont try to kill her. maybe its amanda's side of the war the one that's rotten.

and she didnt mean to call her a mudblood, not her at least, and that amanda understands. why would she be the exception? well, because even if amanda had been a shoddy prefect she had been there from the start. not that it matters anymore though.

and maybe sara wouldnt even have been friends with anton in the first place had she had more friends, if more people hadn't been wary of talking to her because shes a slytherin and christopher's favourite victim.

maybe sara wouldnt have had the need of being a blood purist had her own father not been a bastard to her.

many things went wrong while they were students. but the more i think about it the less it looks like it was all severus' fault. they were kids, they all made mistakes but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be held accountable for their actions, they were fifteen not five.

james never stopped bullying severus and severus never stopped giving "as good as he got" despite the fact james always needed backup.

maybe hogwarts professors shouldn't have been as a stuck up as they were and Maybe AND JUST MAYBE do something useful like i dont know, stop bullying?

#pro snape #pro severus snape #harry potter #hp #anti marauders #anti james potter #severus snape #lily evans

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