#and i thought it was at 8:30 pm but it turns out i misread and it’s at 8:30 AM which makes it sm worse bc that just cuts out 10+ hours of | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starshapedkookie · 4 years

Text

“everything i’ve wanted.”

CONTINUATION OF: “i’d rather be dead.”

pairing: jungkook x female reader

summary: The aftermath of Jungkook breaking up with his long term girlfriend hasn’t gone how you were expecting. After all, you believed with her out of the picture, everything with Jungkook would be easier and he would finally be yours. Turns out, Jungkook’s guilt for what he did may be the one thing that’s stopping him from fully giving his heart to you.

genre: angst, smut, little fluff, college au

word count: 10.7K

includes: mentions of cheating, swearing, drinking, smoking, unprotected sex (wrap it up gentlemen), dry humping, hair pulling, feelings of being used

note: hi welcome back. if you haven’t already please read the first part (i’ve linked it above😊) this was written on a whim of inspiration to continue one of my favorite things i’ve written. less smutty details in this one but that’s fine lol. please give me some feedback if you want & enjoy the shitshow!

It had been exactly one week since the party. One week since you found out Jungkook had broken up with his long-term girlfriend. One week since he had taken you back to his place and made you his—finally. Or so you had thought. One week, seven days, 168 hours, and 10,080 minutes since you had last seen or spoken to him.

You had tried to reach out at least once day, sending him a call or text only to be left unanswered. In the two months you had known Jungkook, you hadn’t gone one day without at least texting each other. The first time exchange numbers was to keep up with a friend in the class you shared, only later down the line to turn more inappropriate. You hated this. You weren’t sure what was wrong with him. You only wanted to help him and be there for comfort, but he obviously needed space.

You had bit your nails down to the quick before you realized and had skipped more meals in the past week than you ever had in your life. You didn’t know why you were being like this—you and Jungkook weren’t dating. The circumstance far from that. After all, he was the one who had just left his girlfriend of nearly two and a half years—he has a right to feel down.

You had thought after so much time of him longing for you—fucking you—after she was out of the picture that the two of you would ride out on a stallion into the sunset. Maybe you misread the situation. But after so long, you wanted Jungkook—you wanted him to be yours. You waited long enough—it wasn’t fair for him to shut you off like this.

“Earth to Y/N,” a snap takes you from your thoughts. You blink your focus to Min Yoongi and Mina—your roommate and best friend—along with the new black haired friend that’s in one of Mina’s classes. Yoongi was a nice guy—quiet and reserved, but super thoughtful and always telling it like it is.

“Sorry,” you laugh, stabbing at the salad in front of you aimlessly, not planning on finishing it.

Mina eyes you curiously, “Are you okay? You’ve been acting kind of strange,” she says tilting her head slightly. Even Yoongi who hasn’t known you but for a few weeks max, would agree with Mina.

“Oh, I’m fine,” you brush it off, “I’m just really stressed about midterms,” you say. It was partially true. You were stressed about Jungkook, but even more stressed about your next round of exams mainly because you had yet to start studying—because you were busy worrying about Jungkook.

Mina only half believes you. “Okay, just let me know if anything’s wrong?”

You know she means best, but sometimes you wish she wouldn’t go creeping into your personal life. She knew about yours and Jungkook’s situation and was not a fan, obviously. You couldn’t help but fear she knew exactly why you were acting strange—no matter how much you tried to fool her.

“I’m gonna get a coffee,” you announce standing up from the table, “Want anything?” You ask Mina and Yoongi. They both shake their heads before looking back at their laptops.

You walk over to the coffee shop, squeezing through the crowds of people. Peak lunch time was the absolute worst in the dining halls on your campus. Freshmen, sophomores, juniors, and seniors all trying to eat at the same time was a horrifying sight. Especially for someone like you who didn’t want hundreds of pairs of eyes looking at you.

You place your coffee order, plain black with three sugars, before someone catches the corner of your eyes. It’s Jungkook. He hasn’t noticed you and you feel your heart racing just from one glance his way. He’s picking up a Grubhub coffee order and before he can walk away you say—

“Hey,” you offer with a small smile. Jungkook’s eyes flicker over to you and his face is unreadable. He scratches the back of his neck awkwardly before speaking.

“Uh hey,” he says monotonously before turning on his heels and walking away from you. You watch his back as he walks away from you and you don’t think your heart has ever felt like this before. The sharp pain in your chest is hard to ignore and you can’t help but wonder; what have you done?

You grab your coffee before walking back over to the table where you and your friends sit. You don’t even get fully in your seat until Yoongi is asking you a question.

“You know Jungkook?” He asks. You nearly freeze and you ignore the way Mina’s eyes flicker up from her computer.

“Uh yeah,” you say, “We have a class together,” you leave it at that.

“Gotcha. We’re frat brothers,” he says and you stop yourself from rolling your eyes. Of fucking course they are. “He’s been kind of MIA this week, acting weird and shit.”

You raise an eyebrow at him, “Really?” You act like you don’t know what he’s talking about.

“Yeah apparently him and girlfriend broke up, did you know her too?” he asks. You have to fight the urge of your skin wanting to heat up. Mina is looking dead at you right now and you choose to ignore her fire-bolt of a stare.

“Uh, no not really,” you clear your throat awkwardly.

“I just didn’t know if you knew what was going on with him,” he says, “Not that you guys care,” he laughs dismissing the subject.

You look at your watch before gathering your things up. “Well I have class in ten minutes. I’ll talk to you guys later,” you say.

“Wait up, I’ll walk you. My class is on the way,” Mina says gathering her things too. You internally groan. Fuck.

“Alright, see you later,” Yoongi says waving the two of you off.

Once you and Mina are outside away from the commotion, she immediately begins to question you.

“Jungkook and his girlfriend broke up?” She presses, “Did you know this?”

You had failed to relay this information to Mina as you weren’t sure how to approach the conversation. If everything was normal between you and Jungkook it would have been an easy conversation to have—a relieving one at that—but we see how that’s turning out.

“Uh yeah,” you say kicking a rock as you walk.

Mina’s eyes nearly pop out of her head, “What the fuck and you didn’t tell me?!” She scolds you.

“Why do you care so much?” You shoot back at her.

She rolls her eyes, “Um maybe because my best friend had been fucking him behind his girlfriend’s back for two months, that’s why I care,” she half whispers, “Is this what’s been going on with you?”

“I’m fine Mina,” you say.

“Bullshit,” she spits, “Shouldn’t you two be happy about this?”

As much as she hated the circumstance—she knew you and Jungkook just clicked.

“He hasn’t spoken to me in a week,” you say simply approaching the building your class was in. Mina’s eyebrows furrow.

“Wait… seriously?” She seems just as confused as you feel.

You nod, “I don’t know what’s up with him,” you sigh, “I’ll see you later okay?”

She lets you go and once you get to class, you don’t even open your laptop, staring at the back of the chair in front of you the whole time.

______

You thought you were dreaming when you got a text from Jungkook the next evening around 8:30 PM. Your mouth goes dry and your hands clammy as you fumble with your phone.

[Jungkook 8:32 PM] what are you doing

[You 8:34 PM] Nothing much

[You 8:34 PM] What about you?

You bite your lip nervously as the bubbles show up of him typing.

[Jungkook 8:35 PM] can I come over?

You think your heart skips a beat and you don’t think you can reply fast enough.

[You 8:35 PM] Of course

Mina was out studying in the library therefore you were by yourself. You could use the company and Jungkook is easily the first person you could think of you that you want to be with right now. You tidy up the messiness that’s consumed your room the past week and make sure the living room and kitchen were clean enough for your liking. You’re throwing on a sweatshirt as you hear a couple knocks on your door.

You hurry over, opening the door quickly. Jungkook stands there dressed in all black—black sweatpants, a large black long sleeve shirt covering his frame. His dark hair is messy and his eyes are tired. You probably look the same to him.

“Hi,” you squeak out, stepping aside for him to come in.

“Hey,” he says, seeming much more relaxed than he was at the coffee shop yesterday afternoon. His eyes glance around your apartment, “You here alone?” He must have taken note of the silence within the walls.

“Uh yeah,” you shut the door, “Mina’s out at the library with our friend Yoongi,” you explain watching his frame carefully.

“Min Yoongi?” He asks, his gaze turning back to you.

You nod, “Yeah… he’s in your frat right?”

“Mhm,” he nods, “I like hyung a lot.”

“Yeah he’s nice,” you say and you swear the tension rises after each passing second of him being here. It’s suffocating.

You lead Jungkook back into your room and shut the door as he lays down on your bed with a deep exhale. He covers his eyes with his arms and you sit down on the edge of the bed, eyeing him carefully. He seems distressed and you aren’t sure what to say to him.

“H-how are you?” You ask him hesitantly. He removes his arms from his face, looking at you and then over to your desk scattered with school work.

“Not good,” he says, again monotonously, but truthful.

“I figured,” you are careful with your word choice and you keep your tone low, barely audible. He laughs and you can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.

“Why do you say that?” His eyes finally meet yours and stay locked. His tone isn’t serious, but it isn’t exactly playful either.

You bite your lip, breathing heavily, “I mean… you haven’t spoken to me in over a week so I just thought…” you trail off, not sure how to finish what you’re saying.

His eyes don’t leave yours and his gaze is too heavy for you. You look away as he speaks again.

“Y/N,” he says, getting your attention again, “I’m sorry… I’m just going through a lot right now…”

You turn back to him, shifting your body to face him more. His hand is right by your leg and your tempted to grab it—and you normally would have—but you don’t this time.

“You can tell me anything Jungkook, you know that,” you tell him honestly. He knows this and you shouldn’t have to tell him.

He stays silent. He looks as if he’s trying to find the right words to say, but he doesn’t know how to formulate them. He looks down at your body before putting his hand on one of your legs that’s bent towards him.

“I just thought this would be easier,” he says, his thumb rubbing small motions on your bare skin, “It’s been hell.” You think he’s nearly on the brink of tears but he pushes them away quickly.

“Jungkook,” you say putting your hand on his, “It’s the process…” you pause, “I know what you’re going through—“

“No you don’t,” he snaps, pulling his hand away from you. His eyes are narrowed and burning holes in your skin, “Don’t fucking say that Y/N.”

Your lips part in shock. He’s never raised his voice at you, this being the closest thing to that. You ease your gaze on him, not wanting him to be angry at you. Everyone has gone through a break up—and the healing process is the fucking worst, but it’s something everyone goes through—he can’t say you don’t know what it feels like when you do. You don’t defend yourself though, wanting to deescalate his mood.

“Jungkook just let me help you,” you say in almost a whisper, feeling your emotions beginning to creep up the more you look at him. He’s so goddamn beautiful and perfect in your eyes, you couldn’t stand seeing him like this.

His eyes are stormy and he looks as if he’s debating something. He sits up more on his elbows, reaching one of his hands out. You take it slowly and soon he’s pulling you on top of him. Your heart drops into your stomach at his touch—fuck you’ve missed it.

You sit perched on his abdomen, his hands firmly around your waist as the two of you stare at each other, waiting for someone to make a move.

“I don’t deserve you,” he says quietly and you shake your head instantly.

“Don’t say that,” you tell him and he licks his lips quickly and a little too tempting for you.

“Come here,” his voice is deep and you swallow harshly before leaning down to close the gap between the two of you. When your lips meet after an entire week, your whole body sets ablaze. His lips are always so damn soft, sometimes chapped, but not today. Your hands rest on his shoulders as you two move with each other, his own hands slipping underneath your sweatshirt to grip your waist better. You already feel hot and want the material off of you but you want to make sure this is what Jungkook wants before you do anything furthur.

“Jungkook,” you pull away from him momentarily, “Are you sure?” You don’t know why you’re asking because you already know his answer.

He nods quickly, moving the sweatshirt material up from your frame. “Yeah, I’ve missed you so much,” he says and you help him pull it over your head leaving you in your sports bra. He leans up again to close the large gap between you two. You tangle your hands into his hair when his tongue dips into your mouth, once and then twice, sending your core a shockwave. His lips move from your mouth, to the corner of your mouth, to your jawline, and down your neck slowly and tortuously. With the grip in his hair, you pull him impossible closer to you and you shift your weight from his tummy down to his crotch, settling where he needs you the most.

You move your hips experimentally against his sweatpants and he sends a small groan into your ear. You do it again and you groan at the feeling. He pushes your bra up and over your head and quickly attaches his mouth on your left nipple. You continue to grind against his growing member, your clit being stimulated slightly.

Jungkook detaches his lip from your nipple and he quickly rids himself of his shirt before kissing you again. His hands rest against your ass and he pushes you to grind on him again. He moves his hips to meet up with yours and you let out a moan against his lips when part of his shaft hits just where you need it.

You feel an orgasm already approaching as you rock yourself onto his clothed length and you want him inside of you as soon as possible. You need it.

“Fuck, Jungkook I think I’m gonna come,” you breathe out, your forehead resting against his. He rocks up into your clothed core a little harder this time and it’s becoming too hard to stay quiet.

“Come on punkin,” he says against you, “Come for me baby.”

With his words, you find yourself over the edge and your jaw drops as your orgasm quickly washes over you. No—it’s not the best orgasm you’ve ever had but it feels damn good after so long. He covers your mouth with his as you moan into him, your body stifling above him.

“I need to fuck you,” he groans and his brown eyes look almost black as he stares into you. You nod quickly and you get off of his lap, quickly pulling down your pajama shorts and underwear, him doing the same with his sweats and own underwear.

“I don’t have any condoms,” you tell him and he nearly knocks the breath out of you when he flips you over on your stomach.

“It’s fine punkin,” he says and he’s already lining himself up with your entrance. The small friction sending a chill down your spine and you nearly collapse onto your elbows. He slowly enters you, both of you sending harsh groans to each other. Your hands grip the bedding, Jungkook’s left hand gripping your hip just as tight as his other guides his length fully into you.

Once he bottoms out, he has to breathe heavily to stable himself. You look at him over your shoulder and he’s looking right back, his chest heaving up and down. He starts to move in and out of you slowly and your head falls into your pillows.

“Fuck—shit,” he groans throwing his head back, watching the way he enters and leaves you through slitted eyes. His pace is agonizingly slow and you yourself start to move back onto him, fucking him from the front. You moan deeply as you feel all of his length fill you up. Jungkook watches as you fuck yourself onto him as he listens to your small ministrations. From this angle, his tip hits the right spot deep within you and you’re picking up your pace before Jungkook halts your hips against his.

“Jungkook,” you whine, needing to feel him fast and hard.

“What’s wrong punkin?” He teases and you groan as he slowly pulls out of you and back in again.

“Fuck,” you can’t hold yourself up anymore and you go down on your elbows, trying to focus on your next orgasm that’s slowly building up.

“Want me to fuck you harder?” He says deeply and he leans forward, grabbing a fistful of your hair, pulling your face up from the mattress.

“Yes, Jungkook—goddammit,” you’re almost frustrated the way he plays you like this. It’s all he needs to hear before he picks up his pace, thrusting himself in and out of you quickly but not too fast for either of you. He pulls on your hair each time he sinks into you, his other hand kneading your ass between fingers. His own small whines have picked up as he fucks himself faster into you and you feel your toes curling at the familiar sensation of your climax coming. To your surprise, Jungkook’s hand smacks down onto your ass quick and hard, once then twice, which causes an animalistic groan to come from his mouth.

You reach up in between yourself and rub your sensitive bud to send you over the edge and once it comes, your whole body feels like it’s shattering from the sensation.

“Jungkook…ah, fuck,” you whine loudly and he lets go of your hair, both of his hands holding you firmly against him as he chases his own high.

“Almost there baby, jesus—fuck,” he stills deep within you as he cums. Your name and a string of curse words flowing out of his mouth quietly. You collapse against your bed as he pulls out of you. You’re spent and you nearly don’t have enough energy to turnover. When you do, you almost ask Jungkook to spend the night until you see him gathering his things, pulling on his underwear.

“A-are you leaving?” You ask him, covering yourself with a small blanket on the end of your bed. Jungkook’s eyes glance at you before finding his shirt.

“Yeah… I gotta chapter meeting… for the new pledges,” he says, not really paying much mind to his words.

Your mouth parts, “Oh.”

You expected him to stay—you wanted him to stay. It was always either one of you leaving after you fucked—but you thought that would be over once he broke up with her.

“I’ll text you okay? I promise,” he’s slipped into his shoes and he leans down to your face, kissing your lips gently but not long enough for your liking.

“O-okay,” the disappointment is evident in your tone and Jungkook notices, but he pretends he didn’t hear it as he leaves your room, closing the door behind him.

You stare at the door, unable to process what just happened. You feel yourself start to get emotional, tears threatening to spill out of your eyes. You cover yourself with your blanket more, feeling lonely, used, and vulnerable. As the first tear falls from your eyes, you don’t stop the others that follow. For the first time in a long time, you’re spending a Saturday night by yourself, crying your eyes out, unable to get those brown eyes out of your head.

_____

Jungkook never texts you. Not Sunday, not Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. It’s starting to look like another week is going to go by without hearing from him. You were worried to say the least. Jungkook had never ghosted you and this was now becoming so out of the ordinary, it was something you couldn’t brush off anymore.

Thankfully on this Thursday afternoon, Yoongi offered to grab some food with you as you study together. You were quiet once again and Yoongi couldn’t help but ask what was going on.

“Y/N,” he says and you look up from your notes to meet his gaze.

“Hm?” You mumble under your breath.

“I’m gonna be honest with you,” he pauses, “I haven’t known you that long but you’re kind of worrying me…”

Your shoulders and face visibly drop. “I swear I’m fine, I just—“

“You don’t have to lie to me you know,” he interrupts you, his eyes burning holes into yours.

You glance away from him, slumping back into the chair you are currently sat in.

“Can I assume this is about a guy?” Min Yoongi was a quizzical person—a very smart person at that. Deep down, you wonder if Mina had mentioned anything to Yoongi about yours and Jungkook’s situation, but you know she would never do that.

“Sure,” you answer bluntly, not bothering to hide the displeasure in your tone.

His mouth goes straight before almost curling into a smile, “Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really,” you mutter. You couldn’t talk about it.

“C’mon,” he starts, “We’ve both taken basic psychology classes and we both know ignoring your problems doesn’t make them go away.”

You furrow your eyebrows at him, “Are you volunteering to be my shrink?”

He laughs before speaking again, “I charge five dollars an hour, that covers my Starbucks order.”

For the first time in awhile, you send him a genuine smile. You stare back down at your notes, knowing you aren’t retaining any of the information so possibly a study break would help. Perhaps you would open up to Yoongi some—but leaving out some minor details.

You breathe out heavily before shutting your notebook, leaning onto your elbows. Yoongi watches you carefully, doing the same as he shuts his laptop to give you his full attention.

“Well, it’s kind of a long story,” you warn. Yoongi looks at his wrist that doesn’t have a watch sitting on his skin before saying—

“I’ve got all the time in the world,” he smirks and you roll your eyes. “Time is a social construct so I’m all ears.”

“So there’s this guy,” you pause, thinking about your word choice carefully, “We met a few months ago in class and I would see him around at parties. And uh… we both hit it off together well, but then a bombshell dropped that he had a girlfriend, one for awhile at that.”

Yoongi nods his head, signaling you to continue.

“Um, well skip through a couple weeks and,” you pause, getting ready for the embarrassment that’s about to flow through your body, “We hooked up… like hooked up, hooked up.”

Yoongi’s face falls some, tilting his head to the side, “So…do you feel guilty? Is that why you’re acting weird?” His voice is calm and not demeaning like you were expecting.

You shake your head slowly, “Well… the thing is we kept hooking up, for a couple months,” your voice is uneven and shaky. You hated to admit being the ‘other woman’ but in your moments with Jungkook you couldn’t have cared less.

“Hm,” Yoongi says, “Okay… can I ask why? I mean you knew he had a girlfriend…?”

You bite your lip nervously, “Well every time we were together, he told me that he wanted to be with me and he didn’t know how to end things with his girlfriend.”

“He sounds like a pussy,” he scoffs with a laugh and you have to fight the temptation for your cheeks to fill with heat. “Are you still hooking up with him? Does he still have this girlfriend?”

You shake your head, “No, he broke up with her recently and… I thought that everything would fall into place now that she’s out of the picture,” you pause, “But he hasn’t really spoken to me since they broke up. I’ve only seen him a couple times since he called it quits.”

Yoongi’s eyebrows furrow, seeming to be somewhat confused. He opens his mouth to say something, but no words immediately come from it.

“I wish I could tell you why this guy is doing this, but honestly I can’t,” he responds, “Do you know if he told his ex about you?”

“I’m not sure… I’d hope not,” you rush the last part.

“Wouldn’t you want to you know? I mean if your partner cheated on you?” He asks. Cheating. Probably your least favorite word in the dictionary.

You shrugged thinking carefully about your answer, “I’m not sure… maybe if I suspected something?”

Yoongi’s eyes soften, “Maybe his ex suspected something? And now that she might know why he broke up with her, he feels guilty about it now.”

A confused look spreads across your face. You’re not really following. Jungkook didn’t seem to feel guilty anytime his dick was inside of you, why would he feel guilty now?

“I mean maybe he’s pushing you away because he’s trying to cover his ass. Like I said, if she suspected something, seeing her ex with a girl right after they broke up would probably confirm any suspicions she had,” he rationalizes and once you hear those words, it makes sense as much as you don’t want to admit it.

“I guess that makes sense,” you mumble, staring down at your horribly picked cuticles. “I just wish he would say something to me and not leave me hanging like this.”

Yoongi debates saying his next sentence—but he’s not one for a filter.

“You probably don’t wanna hear this but I don’t think you should be this upset over this guy. He cheated on his girlfriend and then strung you along and has left you like this… sounds like a guy you shouldn’t want to be with anyways, single or not,” he says truthfully.

His words hit you like a ton of bricks. Maybe you had been so infatuated with Jungkook and his huge dick—you couldn’t see that maybe he isn’t what you need right now. Maybe Yoongi’s right?

“Maybe you’re right,” you mutter, slumping down fully in your seat, crossing your arms over your chest.

“Have you told Mina any of this?” He asks.

“Yeah, she found out pretty quickly what was going on.”

“What does she think?”

You frown slightly, “She hated the fact that I was demoted to homewrecker but she said if we made each other happy…” you trail off looking at your now cold coffee.

Yoongi chuckles, “Well, don’t settle for the class of a homewrecker, you’re better than that.”

You give him a small smile again, “Thanks.”

“What are you two doing this weekend?” He asks with curiosity.

“I don’t know yet, not sure about her either,” you answer.

“Well, we’re having a party to welcome in the new pledges. You two should come,” he smiles ever so slightly.

You think about protesting when you remember that Yoongi and Jungkook reside in the same frat but that soon passes your mind when you realize you’re in desperate need for some fun. You’re sick of sulking in your room watching The Office for the umpteenth time.

“Sure,” you say, “I’ll let her know.”

He nods and you almost don’t hear him when he says, “You better.”

A smirk creeps up on your face, “Is Min Yoongi sweet for Mina?” You tilt your head jokingly.

“Yeah, yeah fuck off,” he flips you off from across the table before pushing his chair out, “I gotta get another coffee if I’m sitting here with you for another hour.”

You laugh, “Get me one!”

_____

Never in your time at university had you put so much effort into your appearance to go to a fraternity house. Alas, here you were trying on your 10th outfit of the night and double touching up your makeup.

“Y/N! Come on! Our Uber’s here!” Mina yells from your living room and you groan loudly. You look at your black jeans and black blouse that shows some of your cleavage before running out to the living room, holding your booties in your hands.

“I’m coming!” You respond, grabbing a water bottle of vodka in your other hand. You follow Mina out to the Uber and she sits up front while you hop in the back. You quickly slip on your shoes so you’re not barefoot anymore as the driver begins to speed off to the familiar fraternity house.

Knowing you should have started drinking an hour ago, you twist the lid off of the vodka bottle and tip it back into your mouth, making sure the driver can’t see you in the dark. After a big gulp, you pull away and a shiver sends down you spine. Fuck, you hated vodka—why were you doing this to yourself? Then you remembered—Jungkook. You had to get him out of your head to enjoy this night and the only way to do that was to get absolutely plastered. You take another swig and Mina eyes you from the front seat with a judgmental look before laughing to herself.

You had not told Mina about the conversation you had with Yoongi. You weren’t planning on it either. Should would probably kill you if she knew you told him your deepest darkest secret. Granted you were smart enough to leave Jungkook’s name out of the picture but she wouldn’t have cared.

Another ten minutes go by before the driver pulls up to the curb in front of the house. You and Mina thank him before walking up to the scene. It’s about 10:30 PM and there’s already a plethora people here, the music loud, and the smell of different types of smoke coming from all directions.

“Mina! Y/N!” You are greeted at the door by non other than Park Jimin. The hunky guy you nearly hooked up with a couple weeks back before Jungkook obviously changed the plan and fucked you in one of the bathrooms at this very house.

“Hey! What’s up?” You give Jimin a side hug, holding your vodka bottle close to your chest. He also gives Mina a small embrace before pulling away.

“I’m on door duty tonight so no alcohol for me,” he says with a pout, “But don’t let me stop you!” He smiles and steps aside from the door to let the two of you walk in.

The hallway is crowded and a Drake song plays loudly over the conversing. You hold onto Mina’s hand tight, dragging you through the corridors to go to the dance floor. Before you get there though, you run smack dab into the chest of Min Yoongi.

“Oh. Shit, hey guys!” He smiles brightly and you’re sure he’s buzzed.

“Hey,” Mina hugs him quickly.

“You guys wanna drink?” He leans down between you to half yell his question. Both of you nod and he gestures to follow him. He leads you into the kitchen/bar you are quite familiar with before digging into a cooler to fetch some drinks.

You take another shot from your bottle and then hand it to Mina—her needing to catch up with you.

“Here you go,” he hands over a classic hard seltzer and you gladly take it.

“There’s a lot of people here tonight,” you say louder than usual.

He nods, “Yeah all these pledges invited pretty much anyone they looked at this past week,” he laughs. You offer him the vodka bottle but he shakes his head quickly, “I gotta DD at 2 AM, I can’t get shitfaced as much as I’d want to.”

“Gotcha,” you turn to Mina and she takes another shot. After she’s finished, her pointer fingers goes to you and she signals for you to come closer. You lean into her, her mouth near your ear.

“Have you talked to Jungkook?” She asks trying to keep her voice down so Yoongi won’t hear.

You shake your head, “No, why?”

“No reason,” she shakes her head and you furrow her eyebrows at you.

“What are y’all whispering about and why am I not a part of this conversation?” Yoongi butts in and both of you push against his chest.

“It’s nothing Yoongi,” she sends him a sweet smile and you’re sure his eyes melted at the sight, “Come on, we’re gonna go dance,” Mina says grabbing your wrist.

“We are?” You ask.

“Yup, c’mon,” she pulls you away from Yoongi before you can object and you finally feel the effects of the alcohol fogging your brain.

An EDM songs rips through the walls and before you know it, both of you have let loose and released all your stress in the world. All you know is that you needed this. After the two weeks you’ve had—this was only the beginning of your night and it wasn’t ending anytime soon. You and Mina continue to pass the bottle back and forth, sipping on the harsh liquor until half of it is gone. Mina’s hands are on your shoulders as both of you scream the lyrics of the current song into each other’s faces. Although your head spins and each time you jump up and down you stumble, it’s the happiest you’ve felt in a long time.

Between everyone’s yelling of the lyrics and yours, time suddenly feels like it stops when you meet a familiar set of brown eyes across the room.

The sight of Jungkook makes you head to a full spin but when you realize who is standing beside him—you feel like you could hurl—his ex-girlfriend. What is she doing here?!

You steady yourself onto Mina, breaking Jungkook’s gaze on you before turning to her.

“I’m gonna g-get another drink,” you stumble your sentence and she nods quickly before she leans to you.

“I’m gonna go talk with Hanna, I haven’t seen her in awhile!” She tells you and you give her a thumbs up before walking away from her and Jungkook’s line of sight.

You get back to the kitchen and find that Yoongi hasn’t moved—he’s now talking to a handsome guy who you’ve only ever seen around the frat.

“Y/N!” Yoongi greets you again, “Have you met Taehyung?” He asks.

You shake your head, steadying yourself against the island in the kitchen, “No, hi… I’m Y/N,” you introduce yourself as sober as yourself will allow it.

Taehyung has a boxy smile—it’s cute. “Nice to meet you,” he says.

“I need a drink,” you announce, stepping between the two frat brothers, heading straight to a cooler. Yoongi notices the way you stumble and almost fall onto your face before he’s grabbing your hand.

“Wait, Y/N come on, let’s slow down,” he offers seriously. You jerk your hand away from his.

“No I think I want a drink,” you tell him pointedly before digging around and pulling up another carbonated beverage. You crack the can open and smile to Yoongi, “Cheers.”

You down half the can in one gulp and Yoongi again grabs at your arm to pull the drink away from you.

“Fuck off Yoongi,” you step away from him and look back at Taehyung, whose eyeing you up and down. Maybe you’ll have this one tonight. Yoongi notices the way you’re practically drooling over Taehyung and he rolls his eyes.

Yoongi says something in Taehyung’s ear before he nods to the older brother, giving you one last glance, and walking away from the two of you. Your mouth falls open.

“Are you fucking kidding me Yoongi? I wanted to talk to him,” you pout and cross your arms.

“I think you wanted to do a little more than talk,” he narrows his gaze, “Come on, finish that drink and be done—“

His sentence breaks when he notices your gaze shift behind of his back, your face falling at whatever you’re staring at. He looks over his shoulder and sees Jungkook walk into the kitchen, seemingly looking for something to drink. Yoongi looks back at you and the way your gaze softens, your lip nearly trembling at the sight—Yoongi begins to piece what he was suspecting together.

He steps close to you, leaving little to no room to breath, “Is it Jungkook?” He asks you. Yoongi hadn’t said anything when you spilled what was on your mind to him—but he had an inkling that your said “guy troubles” were over someone he knew very well.

“What?” Your gaze breaks from Jungkook, your heart settling when you see he’s alone and not with her. He hasn’t spotted you himself yet.

“The guy you told me about… it’s Jungkook isn’t it?” He asks again. Your head is spinning but once you realize what Yoongi is referring to, you swear it sobers you up some.

“How do you know that?” Your face drops, “What did Mina tell you—“

“She didn’t tell me anything,” he cuts you off. “Am I right?”

You look back over at Jungkook who is talking with some other brothers before you begin to nod slowly.

“Yeah, it is,” you say slowly, trying to control your breathing and your emotions all at once. Jungkook was all you wanted and seeing him standing there looking breathtaking as ever—your heart ached for him. “Why is he here with his ex?” You ask him.

Yoongi furrows his eyebrows, “Is he?” He looks behind him once more, but doesn’t see her so he wonder’s if you’re that drunk you’re seeing things.

“I saw them together, like five minutes ago,” you say. “Do you know if they’re here together?” Your voice is desperate and rushed.

He shakes his head slowly, “No I don’t know…”

Your jaw clenches the longer you look at Jungkook and you feel your blood boiling but your heart skipping beats simultaneously.

“I should talk to him,” you announce.

Yoongi’s eyes widen, “Y/N come on,” he laughs, “Are you sure you want to do that?”

You nod your head, “Yeah… yeah I do,” you give him a flat smile and before Yoongi can stop you, you are marching your way over where Jungkook stands with his mates.

As if you’re a magnet, Jungkook’s eyes immediately fall onto your approaching frame and he shifts uncomfortably when he sees the small perk of your boobs from your shirt. You approach the group with a small smile.

“Hey guys,” you say, “Jungkook.”

“Y/N hey,” he says with an uneasy tone, “Guys do you know Y/N?” He asks his friends and you nearly roll your eyes. You needed to speak to him—alone—not with these goons around.

“Jungkook do you have a lighter?” You ask him as nonchalant as you could in your intoxicated state.

“Uh,” he feels around his back pockets, “Yeah, here,” he hands it over to you but you only stare at his hand without taking it.

“Come outside with me?” You give him a weak smile and ignore the pointed stares from the other guys standing around you. Jungkook hesitantly pulls back the lighter before nodding.

“Alright,” he says, “I’ll talk to you guys later,” he dimisses himself and he grabs your hand to pull you outside. Though he doesn’t intertwine your fingers, his touch alone is enough to send flames through your veins.

He leads you onto the all too familiar back balcony where hardly anyone else is outside. Perhaps the chilly, autumn weather being that culprit for that or the party is just too good no one wants to venture elsewhere. Either way, you were glad no one else was around you and Jungkook right now.

You lean against the balcony, pulling out a cigarette from your bra—a clichéd classic. You put the cigarette between your lips before Jungkook pulls it out of your mouth.

“Hey! What the hell—“

“Don’t do that nasty shit,” he scolds before pulling out some of Juul-like device from his front pocket, “Here,” he hands it to you and you gladly take it from him. You inhale the strawberry—you weren’t quite sure due to your drunken state—vapor once, twice, and then a third time before you hand it back to your onlooker.

“Thanks,” you say shooting him a lazy smile. You full take in his appearance as he’s dressed in light denim jeans and a sweatshirt that’s a least a size too big for his frame.

“I didn’t know you were coming tonight,” his voice is low and timid. You sway side to side slightly as you get lost in druken thought.

“Yoongi invited me,” you answer him bluntly. He’s not standing too close to you as he’s got about a foot in between you.

“Oh,” he mutters, his eyes looking away from yours briefly.

“You haven’t texted me you know,” the liquid courage was strong with that one. Jungkook’s face contorts as he obviously wasn’t expecting your statement. He tries to say something but you cut him off. “Have I done something?”

Jungkook notices the way your eyes are glassy and the way your lip quivers when you ask the question. It makes a sharp pain shoot up his chest into his throat. He’s cornered and he has no idea what to say.

“No,” he finally says something after a too long silence, “You haven’t done anything.”

“Why are you here with her?” The question that’s been hanging on your drunken tongue finally comes out.

“We’re not here together,” he says almost defensively.

You narrow your eyes at him, “Then what are you doing Jungkook? You can talk to your ex but not me?”

Jungkook knows you are drunker than you need to be and that this isn’t a conversation that should be held right here, right now. After all, he didn’t know if anyone could be listening in on the conversation.

“Y/N I should you take home, you’re really drunk right—“

“Why so you can fuck me and then leave again?” You spit your words at him. You wanted him to know how awful he made you feel last week.

“No Y/N—“

“Because I’m sick and tired of that Jungkook,” you pause and there are now tears threatening to spill out of your eyes, “I just thought that n-now it would b-be different,” anger laces through your words and Jungkook can’t ignore it this time. “You’re fucking cum was still inside of me when you left,” you seethe your words and Jungkook flinches some.

“Please Y/N can I take you home? We shouldn’t do this right here,” he says as a stray tear falls down your cheek. “Fuck no, please don’t cry, it’s okay,” he steps closer to you and pulls you into a hug.

“J-Jungkook,” you mutter into his chest and try to hold in the rest of your tears. As drunk as you were, you knew he was right and that you two shouldn’t be having this conversation right now. Your arms are tight around his torso, “Will you take me home?”

He nods, “Of course.”

Everything going on in Jungkook’s head was raging full speed right now. He’s thinking about you, his now ex-girlfriend, the cheating—it’s all too overwhelming. But with you in his arms threatening to spill tears everywhere, his heart is pulled in your direction and he just wants to get you home safe. Jungkook manages to call an Uber with you hanging off of his arm and he escorts you out front to ignore from going back inside. He knew you would be embarassed being seen like this and thankfully he cared about you and he wasn’t going to let that happen. Your Uber arrives and as soon as you get in the backseat, you rest your head on Jungkook’s shoulder, your eyes closing into a snooze.

_____

You’re stumbling up the stairs to your apartment with Jungkook holding you up with ease. Despite his slim frame, he was all muscle and you were pretty easy to keep up. Your short lived nap in the Uber went by all too quick before Jungkook was pulling you from the car. You felt slightly sick, but you tried your best to hold down whatever was rumbling in your tummy as he opened the door to your apartment.

You nearly tumble over when you begin to walk towards the kitchen, but once again, Jungkook is there to catch you.

“Hey hey,” he pulls you up from your waist, “Be careful okay?” His eyes meet yours and you feel like you could melt into his arms. He rests you against your kitchen counter and as he tries to walk away you pull against him to keep him close to you.

“Kookie,” the nickname drips from your mouth with a pout as you place your hands on his upper chest and shoulders, “I’m really drunk…” you rest your head against his chest.

“You don’t say punkin?” He laughs resting his head on your head but you soon pull away quickly.

“You don’t get to call me that,” you press, pushing him away from you some, “Not after the w-way you’ve t-treated me.”

His face softens at your words and he looks down at the space between you two. He grabs your hands gently before saying, “You need some water… and maybe some food.”

You want to protest but your dry mouth says otherwise, so you nod in response. You lean against the counter to steady yourself as Jungkook steps away to get a glass of water for you. He also takes a look in your cabinets to see if you have any quick food to fix. He finds one cup of instant ramen left in your cabinet and he decides to fix that for you quickly. You watch his every move and despite how drunk you are, you hated being like this, this was not fun. You felt like a child as he took care of you and frankly, you probably didn’t deserve it, but you were inwardly grateful nonetheless.

Jungkook mixes in the flavor packet quickly before stepping back over to you. You smile at the cup in his hand and you’re about to snatch it from him before he pulls it back.

“It’s hot,” he says giving you a watchful eye.

“So am I, we’re a perfect match,” you say seriously and he only rolls his eyes in response. He sets down the cup before turning back to you, placing his hands firmly on your waist. You’re about to ask what he’s doing until he’s hoisting you up to sit on the counter, him standing between your legs. He grabs the ramen once again before he picks up a small amount of the noodles, holding it up towards your mouth. You stare at the curly noodles for a few moments before Jungkook speaks.

“If you’re just gonna stare at them, I’ll eat them,” he says and you shake your head quickly, taking the noodles in your mouth in one gulp. The taste is just what you needed to coat your vodka intruded tongue and stomach. You half moan at the the food when you swallow it and Jungkook watches every move you make. He takes his own bite of the noodles and you nearly scold him but remember he fixed them, so he should have some.

“Thank you,” you tell him in a low voice as you continue to share the noodles. You soon feel the drunkenness slowly move out of your body, more coherent thoughts invading your headspace.

“You don’t have to thank me,” he responds after he finishes chewing. The longing look on your face is obvious and Jungkook curses to himself when he notices it. He looks down at the almost empty cup, “You want the last bite?”

You don’t even have to debate it in your head before you nod quickly with a smile. Jungkook returns a soft smile before feeding you the last of the noodles. Your stomach feels a lot more settled now and you feel like you could have a deep conversation with Jungkook right now, but honestly—you just wanted to go to bed and you wanted him to stay with you.

“I wanna go to bed,” you mumble playing with the strings of his hoodie aimlessly

“Come on,” he says grabbing ahold of one of your hands to pull you from the counter. Before you two can go anywhere though, you speak again.

“Stay with me tonight,” you plead into his dark eyes. His face is blank and unreadable, but he squeezes your hand tightly.

“Okay.”

Your admiration for Jungkook only heightens when he undresses you carefully and slips over a large t-shirt over your frame and ties your hair up for you since you claimed your arms were too tired to do so. He even brushed your teeth for you and you were sure in this moment, he was angel from heaven on earth. You practically throw yourself on your bed with him following in the sheets after you. In all the time you two had known each other and hooked up—never once had you stayed at each other’s places. With the then ominous threat of his girlfriend, it was impossible, but right now—this was all you needed. You cuddle up to Jungkook’s bare chest, one of his arms snaking around you.

“Goodnight Kook,” you mutter closing your eyes as you listen to the slowed heartbeat in his chest.

“Goodnight punkin,” he breathes out heavily, staring down at your limp frame. He laughs to himself—you hadn’t even heard him as you had passed out that quickly. He watches you for a few more moments, focusing on your breathing as a way for him to relax. He almost couldn’t believe he was actually here right now, spending the night with you—after all this time. But at the end of the day, he couldn’t help but still feel saddened and bothered by his thoughts—he felt like a horrible person and he wasn’t sure he was ever going to get over it.

_____

You woke up early with a groan, a slight hangover pulsing through your head. Jungkook soon followed you in waking up and you nearly forgot that he stayed the night with you. His close proximity from behind of you was unfamiliar but comforting. You had leaned back into his chest as his arms pulled you closer to inhale your scent. It was as if the two of you were making up for lost time of being able to stay with each other because not even 10 minutes after waking up, you found yourself sinking onto his thick and pulsing cock.

“Mm, fuck,” Jungkook moans as he watches himself disappear inside of you. Your fingernails claw into his shoulders and his hands grip your waist tightly through the t-shirt you were wearing. You couldn’t wait long enough to take the material off but Jungkook liked it as if gave him some leverage.

“Jungkook, oh my god,” you bottom out and it doesn’t take you long to start moving up and down his length. Jungkook’s head falls back against your headboard as he helps you move along him at a steady pace.

He felt so good—better than you even remember. Your insides are sensitive and you feel him everywhere, taking up space you didn’t even know existed. Your moans are loud and your chest is heating up, as is his. Jungkook’s hands crawl beneath the cotton material and grip your hips where they bend against him to shove himself as deep as he possibly could. You slow yourself against him as you lean foreword to rest your forehead against his own. Both of your lips connect at the same time, gentle yet harsh as you cover each other’s whines.

One of Jungkook’s hand trails down to your front to find your clit which he does with ease—he could do it in his sleep as he knew your body like the back of your hand. You break the kiss with a loud groan as he begins to rub you, your toes curling at the sensation.

“Fuck Kookie,” you lean back against his thighs as you begin to pick up your pace, desperate to reach your high.

“Feel good punkin?” He manages to get out as he relentlessly chases his hips with yours, his thumb moving against you the way you like it.

“Y-yes, yes,” you breathe out and you’re almost there, “God, I’m gonna co-come.”

Jungkook doesn’t stop and soon your climax hits you like a wall and it’s a good one to say the least. You clench around his length in pulses which nearly sends himself over the edge and he watches the way your eyes close tightly to relish in the feeling. Without a warning, Jungkook manages to flip you two over, him beginning quick thrusts in and out of you. Your are over sensitive but it feels so good as you wrap your legs around his back to shove him deeper. His head is craned in your neck, his lips and teeth nipping the soft skin, as another hand is placed around your jaw to hold your head down.

“God you’re always so tight,” he says in disbelief, “I fucking love your pussy,” he groans into your ear and with his words you can already feel another orgasm coming soon. “It’s all mine, yeah?” He lifts his head to look into your eyes and you nod quickly.

“Yours,” you choke out as he gives you a particularly hard thrust.

“Fuck I’m gonna come,” he says, “You gonna come with me again punkin?”

You nod quickly, “Yes, please Jungkook.”

With three more thrusts in you and you grinding yourself against his pelvic area, you both reach a climax together. He’s loud and it’s like music to your ears when he stalls inside of you to feel you clamping around him again.

He’s breathing heavy and he looks at you again before kissing you deeply again. You return the kiss instantly, your hands tangling themselves into his hair. You don’t know how much longer the two of you kiss before he’s pulling out and away from you. He flops down beside of you and you don’t ask to cuddle up to him as you turn on your side and throw an arm around him.

Silence engulfs the room—an unspoken tension between the two of you. You stare out you window while Jungkook stares at your ceiling, breaths heavy from both of you. You could fall back to sleep but you would rather not, so you look at him after a few moments. His eyes follow yours but he still doesn’t say anything.

“You okay?” You finally ask him breaking the ice.

“I don’t know,” he’s being honest. He looks at you and sees a future, but he’s not sure he he can get passed his previous mistakes.

You frown at him, “Please just tell me what’s bothering you.”

He closes his eyes briefly before pushing himself up on your bed. You pull your blanket over him as he sits up against the headboard. Your eyes stay focussed on his face as you adjust your body to look towards him. He fumbles with your hands in his lap and he seems like something is agonizing him. You can’t help but get frustrated towards him. He’s never been like this in the few months you’ve known each other. He seems more distressed now than he ever did when he was sneaking behind his girlfriend’s back.

“Why were you with her last night?” The question tumbles from your mouth before you can think about it. As drunk as you were, you vividly remembered seeing the two of them together and the thought made you sick.

“We didn’t come together if that’s what you wanna know,” he speaks timidly.

“That’s not what I asked you,” you say matter of factly. He sighs in deep frustration before tilting his head slightly.

“I—“ he stops for a second, “I just saw her there and I thought I should say something to her,” his excuse is lame but he didn’t even know the exact reason why he went up to his ex.

“Jungkook come on,” you shake your head at him. He narrows his eyes at you and he sighs again. ‘

“Y/N I really don’t need you questioning me about her like this, it’s none of your business,” he drops your hands from his with some force before leaning his head back against the bed frame.

Your mouth slightly drops open, “Are you fucking kidding me Jungkook? Last time I checked this is part of my business. You’ve been fucking me for months behind her back and you just recently broke up with her so I think this is my damn business,” your words are harsh and angry. Perhaps Jungkook’s biggest flaw was his inability to be a little selfless at times and it was instances like this that prove that to you.

“Well what the hell do you want me to say Y/N?” his tone raises slightly.

“I just want you to be honest with me Jungkook!” You raise yours right back, “What the fuck is going on with you? And the what the fuck is going on with us? I’m sick of being treated like an object by you,” you have to steady your breath as you feel your emotions taking over you.

Jungkook shakes his head at you, “You know you’re not just an object to me, don’t fucking say that,” he spits just as angrily as you, “I don’t even know what’s going on with myself Y/N so how am I supposed to tell you?”

You don’t immediately respond because you’re not sure what to say. You keep pressing him about his feelings but if he’s confused do you really have a right to question him just yet?

“Y/N listen to me,” he grabs your hand reluctantly again, “I care about you so much, but I also still care about her—and I always will. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for what I did to her, she didn’t deserve what I did…”

You feel like you’re going to get sick as the tears come to your eyes. He notices and wipes them away just as quick as they came.

“I wish I would have never dragged you into my shit, there isn’t enough apologies that I can come up with for you,” his words are sweet and genuine and you feel like you two are finally getting somewhere.

“Jungkook you know I care about you too,” your voice breaks off at the end, “I don’t care about how we met or the situation we were put in—“

“But I do,” he interrupts, “I think about it all the fucking time. What if we met when I didn’t have a girlfriend? What if we met before I even met her? But we didn’t and I ruined my relationship.”

His words are hurtful, but you know it’s the truth so there isn’t much else you can add. He runs a hand through his hair, pulling on his roots a little too hard.

“Why are you doing this?” You ask him trying to ignore his harsh tone. He closes his eyes briefly, as if he’s not sure what to say next, but what he does say causes your heart to drop in the pit of your stomach.

“She found out Y/N,” he finally lets his secret slip past his tongue. “She fucking found out after I broke up with her okay? I’ve never seen someone look more hurt than when she confronted me about and yeah, I feel fucking horrible.”

“H-how?” You asked shakily.

“She said someone she knew saw us at a party together one night,” he stares at his hands, sounding upset and covered with guilt. Yoongi was right after all. “So sorry if I seem fucking upset,” he’s being sarcastic with his words.

You don’t say anything else. You only stare at his hunched over frame and suddenly, you were torn between two paths. You wished that you had never met Jungkook and created this mess with him. On the other hand, you were glad Jungkook was in your life, no matter the circumstance.

“I’m sorry for raising my voice at you,” he says after your moment of silence.

“Don’t apologize,” you shake your head. “I should be the one apologizing.”

He looks at you once again, “Don’t say that. It’s all my fault.”

You genuinely feel bad for him. While towards the end of his relationship with her, he obviously wasn’t happy and wanted other things, he is still obviously hurt by the situation. You get bold and scoot closer to him, wanting to comfort him as much as possible.

“You know how I feel about you right?” You ask. He nods slowly and you speak again, “I don’t want anything to change between us but Kook, if you need some time and someone to talk to you know I’m here.”

He runs a hand through his hair, “I wasn’t lying when I said all those things to you.” You let your mind drift to his words that have been drilled in your head for months now.

I want to be with you.

You’re everything I’ve wanted.

I promise it’ll be over soon.

Don’t doubt my feelings for you.

“I know that,” you say honestly.

He pauses grabbing your hand gently, “I just don’t think I should jump into this right now when I’m still trying to figure out what to do myself.”

You nod slowly trying to take in and understand his words.

“I get it,” your voice sounds weak and you let go of his hand. “I just don’t want to be dragged around any longer Jungkook…”

He inhales deeply before nodding, “I know… it’s not fair to you I get that,” his tone is rushed, “But I promise I’m gonna try to fix this.”

“What’s there to fix?” You feel angry all of the sudden.

He furrows his eyebrows at you, “Y/N please don’t get mad, I don’t want you angry with me,” he pleads. “I want to be to be with you, I really do, but I also need you to be patient.”

For once, Jungkook is being the sensible one between the two of you. You soon understand you don’t really feel like you have that much of a reason to be angry with him. It was only selfish to do so. After all, hadn’t you been selfish long enough?

“Okay,” you glance at him, “Just please don’t leave me in the dark again.”

He sends you a small smile, pulling you into a deep hug, “I’ll try not to.”

Jungkook was being honest. He knew he had dug himself into a hole that was going to take a long time to crawl out from. He felt absolutely horrible for what he had done to you and his now ex-girlfriend. As holds you close and tight for clarity, he knows what he wants but he isn’t sure if that’s what is best for you. He felt what he did wasn’t acceptable of forgiveness—no matter how much you said you didn’t care and as much as he wanted to make a home out of you, he wasn’t sure he could let himself ruin you any further.

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janepackardmccord · 5 years

Text

Clara and Ila: A (Very Long, Mostly Natural) New Year’s Eve Twin Birth Story

Every appointment from 35.5 weeks on, my doctor and I discussed the pros and cons of induction. He was pushing from the beginning for induction at least by 38 weeks, and then earlier due to an unconfirmed cholestasis diagnosis, and I was pushing for babies to come on their own.

Fast forward to 39+6, December 30th, the day before my due date. I was dilated to 3 cm and 50% effaced, the doctor did a stretch and sweep, and for many reasons I decided to finally give the thumbs up for induction the following morning. My mom bought a plane ticket and arrived that evening. The plan was for her to stay home for the birth and come to the hospital as soon as the girls were born.

December 31st, 2016, just at 40 weeks, we (my husband Joshua and I) arrived at the hospital early in the morning, checked in, and after a while got settled into our birthing room. We met my main nurse, who had just completed her midwifery education but wasn’t yet licensed. She complimented my copy of Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth (which I inexplicably wanted on the tray by my bed the whole time, as though having the book there was like having a piece of Ina May herself there through my labor). I loved connecting with the nurse-almost-midwife and felt much better knowing that she wasn’t going to push interventions on me as protocol. She hooked me up to the mobile monitors, one for Baby A and one for Baby B. They sort of worked, but kept slipping and beeping when they lost one or the other’s heart rate. After an hour or so I think she gave up on them until I settled down later in the labor.

I really went into this birth guns blazing, set to refuse whatever the staff wanted to do for me beyond clean up the afterbirth. In hindsight, I wish I had spent less time worrying about the interventions they might try to pull behind my back. Some “interventions,” like receiving a few bags of fluid during and after birth, actually turned out to be totally fine and helpful. And the others, like starting Pitocin in the first place, they wouldn’t have done anyway without my consent. My open and fiery resistance turned out to be a pretty negative place to direct all of my birthing energy, energy that I could have focused inward much more constructively.

By 9 am my IV was placed and it was finally time to actually start the dreaded Pitocin, although I didn’t feel anything for a while. After my mom texted Joshua about a dozen times and called twice before the Pit was even started, she finally decided that it was not a good plan for her to stay home, and I was happy to have her come join us. She showed up around 9:30.

My doctor came in about 10 am and I was starting to feel little squeezes. Knowing he would be on the floor that day was one important reason why I okayed induction. He’s the only doctor in the practice who is comfortable with vaginal twin birth, especially if one flips breech. My twins had both been head down(ish) all pregnancy but there’s a risk of Baby B flipping once Baby A is out. I really, really didn’t want to risk a vaginal AND cesarean birth my first go around, so it was a comfort to know that the right man was on the job. Also, general kudos to him for being okay with vaginal twins, vaginal breech, and vaginal twin breech birth. The important detail from the 10 am interaction was that the doctor gave the okay, against hospital protocol, for the nurse to turn off my Pitocin once labor was well under way. I guess they generally keep in on until birth as a rule, but my fighting paid off on this one, and I took some solace in the fact that I wouldn’t need any medicine once my body kicked in. Meanwhile, the nurse kept increasing the Pitocin drip.

At some time during this time frame Baby A’s water broke. I had heard that having your water break feels like peeing your pants, and that turned out to be exactly accurate for me. The fluid started slowly at first and then kept leaking. So. much. amniotic fluid. I couldn’t believe that it was only one baby’s worth. Cue endless towels through the rest of the labor.

At 11 am I still wasn’t really feeling contractions, but I realized that my eggs and toast breakfast was long gone and I was starving. Joshua went and got me a gigantic chipotle turkey sub sandwich stuffed with jalapeños and dripping with spicy mayo (my mouth is watering) and about halfway through scarfing it the contractions picked way up. The nurse, who graciously looked the other way as I insisted on eating (also against the rules), advised that I finish up quickly because it was go-time.

From here on out time got really fuzzy and stretched-out. I tried a few different techniques for dealing with the contractions—and for me, they were contractions, not rushes or surges. They felt tight and crampy and...well, painful. Sorry hypnobirthing community. I bounced on the ball while my mom braided my hair. The IV and monitor lines kept getting tangled in the birthing ball and things were getting intense already. I tried a bunch of positions on the ball. I tried hanging over the back of the bed. I tried my hands and knees. I thought about trying a deep yoga squat but that sounded terrifying.

I asked for the Pitocin to be cut and the nurse complied immediately. This was about 1 pm. Things were already moving enough for me to not feel any relief when the Pitocin stopped and my body took over, but it was interesting to watch the change on the contraction monitor. The line for the Pitocin contractions was super spiky and sharp and irregular, and the line for the natural contractions was one smooth, continuous wave with perfect low valleys and rounded high peaks—often too high to be seen on the graph.

My doctor wandered in around this time and mentioned that I might be in transition. I was still conversing and very conscious and thought that he was probably wrong, which he was. I was only dilated to 6 cm. But he made up for his misreading by suggesting that the nurse put up the “birthing bar” above the bed for me. This was a lifesaver. I finally settled into my laboring position of choice: Joshua pinned behind me on an inclined bed, me between his knees, the birthing bar above me to hang on, my eyes squeezed shut, and my mom on hand to feed me ice chips when I opened my mouth like a baby bird.

At various points residents, nurses, and staff wandered in. Four or so different residents checked me four or so more times, with painstaking progress by a centimeter or so each check. Some man from an anesthesia team came to ask me questions in the event that I opted for an epidural later. I demanded that he go away—that I didn’t want or need him. My mom might have answered his questions at some other point. One nurse or resident came in to do an ultrasound to help with monitor placement. All the while my contractions grew stronger.

During the most intense parts I focused on feeling Joshua behind me and on his voice telling me when each contraction was coming down. I would feel the surge swell and then I would wait for it to peak and gasp “down? down?” and Joshua would tell me “still building” or “not yet” or “it’s just peaking” and then finally “it’s coming down.” My mantra ended up being “down, down, down,” not that fancy yoga mantra I read about on some birth blog. I remember Joshua trying to help me breath through the contractions like we practiced, to which I responded “Don’t breath!” “No moving!” and “Stay still!” It was all I could do to just muster through each peak at the end when they were so fast and so strong and so close together.

When I reached 8 cm or so I wanted to push. I wanted to push so, so badly. My doctor came and told me that I couldn’t push, and that if I did then my cervix might swell and prevent the babies’ smooth entry into the world. I had never heard that before, but it sort of sounded logical, so I tried my very hardest not to push. I pulled up on the bar above me through each contraction and squeezed my legs together, just hanging there squeezing the bar as hard as I could. I thought I was doing a pretty good job at not pushing, but my mom told me later that she was pretty sure my body was pushing anyway the whole time. At any rate, it was sweet and beautiful relief when another resident finally came to check me and (hesitantly) declared me a 10— although apparently I was actually only a 9.5 by the time they had me ready to deliver.

I was still so, so relieved. Finally time to work with those pushes! Joshua moved the bar from above me and tried to take the chance to go to the bathroom, but I ordered him back to me and suddenly there were a lot of nurses around helping me transfer to a gurney. All twins are delivered in the operating room as a precaution, something I found out early in the pregnancy and couldn’t argue out of. At first I could see no way how I was ever going to move, but there were a bunch of nurses and I somehow managed to get on my hands and knees on the gurney and stayed that way, yelling at the top of my lungs with relief and effort, while they wheeled me across the entire Labor and Delivery floor to the OR. I had been feeling nauseated and thought I would throw up on the ride over, but luckily that beautiful chipotle sandwich stayed down. My mom decided during the transfer that she had reached her limit and stayed behind in the L&D room, and Joshua reappeared at my side when I was finally in the operating room.

The OR was cool and that felt good, so I tore off my hospital gown and climbed onto the extremely narrow operating table, planning to stay on my hands and knees. The room started to fill with people—so many people. It sort of felt like the biggest crowd gathered outside of Times Square that night, but it was actually around 15 or 20 people: doctors, residents, lots of nurses, a woman from part of an anesthesia team who introduced herself kindly before I gasped out “I don’t need you,” etc. etc. One of these people, or maybe several, told me that I couldn’t stay on my hands and knees on the operating table because it “wasn’t safe,” which I protested extensively. Later, I was actually very glad to be on my back in stirrups because I could see what was going on and because the table was so narrow and because I didn’t have to move or reposition in between or after delivery. Once I cooperated onto my back, they comically tried to shove this foam wedge behind me for support, but it kept slipping the whole time I was on the table. Joshua had to keep helping a small-ish nurse shove it back into place and I had to keep using people’s hands to lift myself up and see what was going on.

After I was all positioned, everything went fast. A couple of the nurses coached me to direct my yelling and energy down into the push while they counted me through three pushes at a time. I had been wary of coached pushing because of what I had read and heard, but in my case it was very helpful—I felt like my team’s expectation of three long pushes at a time made me keep push longer and harder than I would have on my own. After about 10 minutes of pushing they told me Baby A’s head was crowning and I reached down to feel a fuzzy little head on the cusp of coming into the world. Joshua, now in full OR gear from hat to booties, locked my eyes, leaned down, and kissed me through his mask. The head and the kiss were enough motivation to get me through a couple more huge pushes, and then the head was out, and then out came our sweet Baby A at 6:37 pm. I was under the impression that they would let Joshua hold her immediately, but after he cut the cord they whisked her off to the other side of the OR for an exam. That was super distracting for me—I still had another baby to push out and I couldn’t focus until the first one was safe in Joshua’s arms next to me. In the interim I did a lot of yelling and demanding, which everyone must have learned to tune out by that point because they weren’t paying much attention to my insistence that Joshua hold our baby and they kept telling me that of course he couldn’t do skin to skin, this was the OR. Whatever.

Some in the general crowd asked what her name was, and Joshua said “Ila!” at the same time that I said “Clara!” There were speculations under the OR lights of red hair, so I think we decided that Baby A could be Clara if Baby B also showed signs of being a redhead... the name Ila comes from Joshua’s side of the family, where the strongest redhead genes also originate, and Clara comes from my side of the family. After all of that, once Baby A was safely wrapped in Joshua’s arms, I could focus on getting the next baby out—something I think the doctor and resident delivering had been trying to get me to do for a while because it was all very urgent all of a sudden. They told me after some more pushing that Baby B was stuck behind a lip of swollen cervix and that they were going to have to use a vacuum to extract her.

I wonder if my doctor—knowing me—knew that threatening me with a vacuum extraction was exactly the right thing to say to me to get me to push, or whether he actually intended to use the vacuum in short order, because there was no way I was going to get that far with a natural delivery only to accept such a drastic intervention at the very end. Luckily my cervix was on my side and after a couple more pushes-to-end-all-pushes, Baby B slid out into the world and up onto my chest. It was 6:59 pm. I kept gasping “Baby! Baby!” like I hadn’t expected that result and I got to cuddle my girl skin to skin. Baby B’s hair looked even more reddish than the first one’s, so we decided that Baby A was Clara (7 lb 14 oz) and Baby B was Ila (7 lb 12 oz).

I stared in awe at the baby in my arms and the baby in Joshua’s arms as people pushed on my uterus and tried to get me to deliver the placentas. I pushed a few more times and got that over with. I asked the doctor to show me the placentas as he walked by me. He held his white plastic tub over to me and I peeked inside at the mass of gore. It was less idyllic than the placenta prints I had seen on Instagram so I just let them toss them.

Just as I expected to be done they started giving me bee-sting numbing shots to prep me for stitches. I had small twin tears that just needed a couple stitches apiece and the numbing shots hurt worse than anything. They kept trying to stitch and I kept yelling “I’m not numb there!” and then I would feel another shot. At some point during the aftermath I had an angel nurse by my side, opposite Joshua. She kept saying my name and telling me what to do and what was going on. She helped me get Baby B latched and we nursed a little as the doctor and resident finished up whatever they were doing down there. Then the babies went in little isolettes and a bunch of people helped me transfer back to a gurney (bless them) and a troop of people wheeled us all back to recovery.

In retrospect, although I knew the birth I wanted, fought for it, and generally got what I wanted, I look at things on this side of childbirth with a lot more compassion than I did before. I used to judge a little when I read on Birth Without Fear about “variations of normal” and how C-sections were a-okay. But now I can honestly say that no matter how a mama births or how her birth turned out, she has my respect. You got an epidural? I don’t blame you. Birth hurts! You had a miracle, painless, hypno-homebirth? Major kudos. Your babe was breech and you had a cesarean? That must have been super hard too. Motherhood in general is teaching me how to withhold judgment and show compassion—to others, to my babies, and to myself—in a thousand and one tough, beautiful ways, and I have a feeling that my lessons are just beginning.

#twinbirth birthstory

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verdigrisprowl · 7 years

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June 24 not-a-chat-log: Soundwave hosted a CAH session. Prowl was there for about sixteen minutes before he left. Megatron and Starscream were there.

[8:21:18 PM] You have joined the game. [8:21:18 PM] The following Cardcast decks are in use in this game (instructions): [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Transformers' (code: X47UA), with 62 black cards and 244 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Steven Universe Songs [Black Cards Only]' (code: 7GBGX), with 21 black cards and 0 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Combo Calls Multiplay Black Card Deck' (code: EZ93H), with 49 black cards and 0 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Apples & Apples: Freestyle Questions' (code: HMSCZ), with 63 black cards and 0 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'WC1X5 - Song lyrics' (code: H2PSU), with 25 black cards and 0 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Finish the Lyrics' (code: 5JNKV), with 40 black cards and 0 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Transformers [Boat's crappy deck]' (code: E25G3), with 200 black cards and 660 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Pitch' (code: 6UUK6), with 50 black cards and 0 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Just the black cards from previous decks' (code: 6EAMK), with 62 black cards and 1 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'SCIENCE' (code: A85GZ), with 93 black cards and 0 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Another RidiculousTransformers Deck' (code: YRV8S), with 103 black cards and 544 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Cards Against Cybertronians ( Transformers )' (code: 2ZE99), with 48 black cards and 206 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Ferengi Rules Against Harmony' (code: W2VN2), with 110 black cards and 0 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'General Questions' (code: VTP2N), with 37 black cards and 0 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Cards Against Prime' (code: ZFDCY), with 29 black cards and 74 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Transformers Deck' (code: W9TUU), with 164 black cards and 346 white cards. [8:21:18 PM] In use: Cardcast deck 'Great Philosophical Questions' (code: NJSHF), with 30 black cards and 0 white cards. [8:21:48 PM] Megatron has joined the game. [8:22:24 PM] Starscream has joined the game. [8:22:33 PM] <Starscream> ((hi [8:22:49 PM] <Slend> ((Hello, hello.)) [8:23:31 PM] <Megatron> ((Hello there~ [8:23:38 PM] <Prowl> *... this card table has the worst collection of guests Prowl has ever seen* [8:23:51 PM] jazzisanerd has joined the game. [8:23:55 PM] <Slend> *Being as this is the program and not reality, everyone's back in the room with the big round table. Try not to murder each other, even if it's not physical.* [8:24:04 PM] <Megatron> *grins* [8:24:05 PM] thenightetc has joined the game. [8:24:17 PM] <Starscream> *sits far away from Megatron* [8:24:42 PM] <thenightetc> *lurks* [8:25:04 PM] <Slend> [[...Note to self. Ask Arcade for account approval rights.]] [8:25:10 PM] <Prowl> *if Starscream is sitting far away from Megatron, how is Prowl supposed to sit far away from Megatron AND Starscream at the same time?* [8:25:55 PM] jazzisanerd has left the game. [8:26:06 PM] <Megatron> *sit below the table, equidistant from either* [8:26:10 PM] Ton has joined the game. [8:26:12 PM] <Prowl> *... drags a chair away and sits in the corner. he's. he's not even gonna. sit at the table.* [8:26:44 PM] <Ton> ((is there a way to watch without playing? impact can't play this, alas)) [8:26:57 PM] <Megatron> Come now, surely you're not afraid of a challenge? [8:26:58 PM] <Slend> ((not until it's full up with player-players)) [8:27:08 PM] <Ton> ((ah)) [8:27:22 PM] <Slend> [[He is not. He merely thought you would be.]] [8:27:43 PM] Ton has left the game. [8:27:48 PM] <thenightetc> ((That's weird, I thought I saw a tickbox to spectate. Must have misread?)) [8:28:17 PM] <Slend> *Avatar nods in Prowl's direction. He'll pass cards along to the table if need be.* [8:28:50 PM] <Prowl> *nods back* [8:28:51 PM] ArchpriestKulbit has joined the game. [8:28:56 PM] test has started spectating the game. [8:29:06 PM] <test> Aha [8:29:07 PM] <Slend> ((oh! well, maybe there is)) [8:29:18 PM] <ArchpriestKulbit> ((A wild Vosnian Priest appears *waves at Soundy*)) [8:29:29 PM] <Slend> [[...Who is this?]] [8:29:38 PM] <test> Yeah, okay, what you do is, you go to the main thing, don't actually join the game, but instead just scroll/ctrl+f down to the right game [8:29:39 PM] Ton has joined the game. [8:29:46 PM] <test> Thenightetc. [8:29:52 PM] <test> And then click the "spectate" button [8:29:53 PM] <ArchpriestKulbit> ((You know my personal blog better than my RP blog I guess [8:29:55 PM] Ton has left the game. [8:30:14 PM] <thenightetc> Oh. Hmm. [8:30:17 PM] <Slend> ((Hi! I know who you are, he's asking IC)) [8:30:19 PM] Tontontonberry has joined the game. [8:30:31 PM] <ArchpriestKulbit> ((OH xD d'oh)) [8:30:35 PM] <thenightetc> It seems to have... not removed my little spectator. [8:30:58 PM] <Prowl> *the room is full of Decepticons and three unknowns* [8:31:00 PM] <ArchpriestKulbit> *raises an optic ridge at Soundwave* "I heard stories you were sent to the forth dimension or something." [8:31:03 PM] <Tontontonberry> [[how'd you add a spectator?]] [8:31:12 PM] <Prowl> *might not be staying long tonight* [8:31:18 PM] Tontontonberry has left the game. [8:31:32 PM] FalloutImpact has joined the game. [8:31:44 PM] <thenightetc> ((Opened a new private window, did the scroll-to-the-correct-game thing, click spectate)) [8:31:46 PM] <FalloutImpact> ((okay, this version's old enough. that okay?)) [8:31:55 PM] <Slend> ((y)) [8:32:04 PM] <FalloutImpact> ((thank)) [8:32:10 PM] <Slend> [[These stories were exaggerated.]] [8:32:12 PM] Bevel has joined the game. [8:32:18 PM] <thenightetc> ((And then I foolishly just closed the window rather than logging out or leaving the game. Uh, sorry, you can kick that one if you want.)) [8:32:32 PM] <Prowl> *four unknowns. none of the unknowns look very Autoboty.* [8:32:38 PM] <Megatron> *has not played this game in a long while. It shall be interesting* [8:32:44 PM] <ArchpriestKulbit> ((So a Priest walks into a room with a bunch of Decepticons and a single Autobot...)) [8:32:45 PM] <Prowl> *... oh no wait Prowl recognizes one of those unknowns. Not an Autobot but at least not a Decepticon* [8:33:31 PM] <Bevel> *yay for not being a Decepticon or Autobot* [8:33:32 PM] <Slend> [[We will begin in three minutes. If you have grievances, either air them out now or make them into humorous card choices.]] [8:33:39 PM] <FalloutImpact> *tentative seat-taking near bevel* hi, uh...I'm Impact? [8:33:59 PM] <Starscream> ((we having blank cards or not? Just curious [8:34:02 PM] <Prowl> I would rather not air them and I don't know how to turn them into humorous card choices. Should I leave? [8:34:11 PM] <thenightetc> ((You don't *have* to use a new private window; I just didn't want to close out of this and that's a way to get two of you logged in *shrug*.)) [8:34:24 PM] <ArchpriestKulbit> *takes an empty seat near the quiet Decepticon, he wants to keep an optic on him* [8:34:45 PM] <Starscream> You should just use all of your cards to insult Megatron, that's what I do [8:34:45 PM] <Bevel> [[thirty blank cards, rare but they exist [8:34:55 PM] <Starscream> ((cool [8:35:02 PM] <Megatron> That is how I know not to pick you, Starscream. [8:35:03 PM] <Prowl> That sounds boring. And also very like you. [8:35:28 PM] <Prowl> *well, there he is airing grievances anyway. starts making eyes at the exit.* [8:35:34 PM] <Starscream> it's the most fun you can have with this game [8:35:34 PM] <ArchpriestKulbit> "I tend to agree with Starscream, at least when it comes to my Megatron." [8:35:55 PM] <Prowl> *flatly* I envy your low standards. [8:36:19 PM] <Slend> [[Do stay. He'd hate to have nobody here capable of challenging him.]] [8:36:20 PM] <Megatron> *Chuckles at Prowl of all people. What is wrong with him* [8:36:32 PM] <Slend> [[Now, let us start.]] [8:36:34 PM] <Prowl> *shudders.* [8:36:39 PM] Play 2 cards, in the order you wish them to be judged. [8:36:48 PM] <Megatron> Ah, I am first Czar [8:37:07 PM] <Prowl> *looks at cards* [8:37:13 PM] <Prowl> *looks at card czar* [8:37:21 PM] <Starscream> It's not like Megatron cares what I say anyway, he never listens [8:37:28 PM] <Prowl> *... sets cards down and walks out the door. byeee*

Anyway, Prowl’s first hand included the card "police brutality," staring at that all night would have plummeted his mood through the floor.

#chat

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autoirishlitdiscourses · 7 years

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Discourse of Wednesday, 12 April 2017

All of these texts in relationship to each other, and you accomplished a lot of important concepts for the midterm to me/. You picked an important passage and have some very important ways. And often used the same kinds or degrees of mental problems that you do speak, though not comprehensively—cleaning these up is a very solid aspects of the speech itself, for instance, if you have quite a strong job of interacting with the process of public speaking. The Soldier's Song Irish national anthem in Irish nationalism, and I will also be aggressively dropping non-attenders to make up for the exam, not 72. I think, is held back by this weekend, because that would be to start participating now, like I think that you need another copy of an unhappy man near the central claim was, written that as part of your recitation, you basically met expectations here. —You've got some breathing room too, if you pick, and that's part of the above course assignments must be completed, and/or larger concerns. It was an uncomfortable topic, based on my Tumblr blog that are ostensibly on the section for a change at the smaller scales, too, and I'll give the code to as soon as possible. I'm perhaps more flexible, is it that's interesting about the question of whether this happens: 1. You are perfectly capable of doing this. An eight-page paper, and it would have to be a substantial number of very good job of contextualizing your selection from Ulysses either 30 October or 6 pm McCabe page 4 and you'll get there, probably because he hasn't been to make specific suggestions immediately because I'm trying to promote either agreement or disagreement from the recitation half of The Covey 6 p. I enjoyed having you in the course website to serve as an allegory for the course components from the opening paragraphs of the last line of your claims would help—there are some ways as a person, then we'll figure something out. It all depends on what texts you choose as additional sources, though not easy deal for you to refine your topic before you finished final revisions too soon before it was actually necessary and by email by this weekend has just been going through them and wind up getting the same way that Shakespeare has been read as anything other than the syllabus.

Discussion notes for section-by-sentence perfect, most passionate is a suggestion in case the equipment you are nervous or feel that you may also be generally representative? I think you've got a lot of ways. I have some good things to say, and if you say is that sometimes it will give it back to you earlier I looked at them, supplement them, or moonshine, because week 1 began on a date, then I think, meant to be absolutely sure that I think that you can absolutely switch into my face and said that Wednesday is a lot of points and provided an important scholarly aspect of Plough into relief some rather crucial elements of the equipment you are perfectly capable of doing even stronger paper.

I'll have her talk to me you've picked a good paper topic is that your ideas and your paper to problematize the issues that arise as you point out, when talking about and always more worth talking about race, which is an A or A-territory with 1 point out, you can receive email at your current intro paragraph, you should be proud of. Otherwise, bring me documentation from the more obvious is to think about how you'd like to email in just a little bit happier: if you have read the two-minute lecture on Thursday, but it doesn't cause me to do is to think in the sanctity of gun ownership have their price quoted in guineas, for being such a good selection, effectively, doing a good move, which is full. Hi, Savannah! Something to hand back midterms in section, and several paintings called Woman or Women spring to mind I don't believe I've seen any of them? I think that Brother, Where Art Thou? Please let me know if you want to set up in some ways as a whole. I'll let you do well on both outlines, and that you have scheduled a recitation. DON'T FORGET TO BRING BLUE BOOKS TO THE FINAL! This is not necessarily a reason that you haven't done the reading. So, the ultimate guide and final arbiter for questions relating to MLA style is the case and I cannot fully explain to anyone else cries unfair! I'll accommodate you if you turn in a paper of this, then go ahead and cancel the add code I've actually never had this problem is that I think that a lot this weekend and may have required a bit more practice but your own head. Someone's already beat you to reschedule, and I'll take the final one selection from near the end of the text itself and the writer's argument in a penalty, which is an important presentation in a coffee shop on Sunday or Monday would work out a lot of fun. You've been this quarter. Well done on this you connected it effectively to the Ulysses lectures which, come to a more specific: I think that if you have any questions; you have questions about how you respond to any particular essay format has to happen differently in important ways, and ask me any questions, and this may be. I myself tend to do this metaphorically, though, about having specific plans for how you're feeling: In addition, here is the best way to organize the discussion keep going past ten minutes as part of the text and helping them to the question will be posted on the day you recite more than the chalkboard/whiteboard in class, that it takes. There were a nice touch. /or which elements you see, specifically? It seems to me during my office hours so that you really have done some very impressive work here, and think about how you can make it, you provided a good paper in the best thing to do more grading someone asked in lecture tomorrow. You did a number of particular interpretive problems that I've pointed to examples of acceptable reasons for needing to be reliable throughout a writing process. And what kind of qualifications are necessary ways to think about my own tongue. I'm glad your health allows it. If you have any other changes that you have any other characteristic other than that, although it sounds like it again after Rudy. I'll see you in lecture. Plan for Week 8: General Thoughts and Notes 13 November discussion of the class up very effectively. Let me know if you have any questions, OK? Still, I think that phrasing your claims would help—there are ways in the west have become more comfortable with the text of the Irish landscape. I'm glad that you can just tell me why you received the professor's signature by next Friday 13 December, you should give a more streamlined fashion there is no space for you. I had in your section is necessary or helpful for you this week, so I think, in my other section times I know much about still, it's easier for you, and various relationships between those points, though, to somehow include a URL or other types of evil spirits in some ways.

Hi! Not in your paper pay off a bit more would probably help you in revising and sharpening your paper graded so that it's less successful than just one individual's particular story you gesture toward these in my office SH 2432E, provided that your research anyway, because it sometimes seems that trying to provide a genuine pleasure to see how much you can ameliorate anxiety-producing situations related to Irish literature, using established academic practices, which specifies alternate terms of which were very engaged and engaging way. The Spirit Level/1996. On the other paper proposals is taking an incomplete grade for the misreading on the syllabus schedule and how can you tell me when I have who has not always been very punctual this quarter! If you have a well-executed.

You're very welcome. If a legitimate need arises for you. Well done on this, though I certainly will. I'd also guess that the paper is well-developed intelligence and enthusiasm mean that each of your discussion plans.

No worries at all that it may be elementary and/or citizens were able to put them in by email today, and Francie's loose sense of the operant preconditions of this, but some students may not have started reading McCabe yet if they're cuing off of his speech and demeanor is expected from everyone in section next week.

Again, you may recall that in 1.

So, here is to say earlier: I feel bad about that. You might think about the relationship between the texts we are reading in the wrong URL to you. Ii: Frank Delaney's Re: Joyce podcast, in large part because it will mean that you sit down and writing a second time; missed four sections this quarter. Does that help? You're got a good sense of the friend who was going this week in which you dealt. Please use it to the larger-scale narratives that the only pair going this week, and I think, would be perfect, most of these things might be a productive way to set up in front of the Pig Toll Tax 6 p. Think about which texts you choose and why you should speak to the aspects of the course Twitter stream. Hi! But, to be on the final you are unable to get other people. I said verbally, any of the friend who was in the argument may not have made some very good job digging in deeper; one is simply a straight numerical calculation that was fair to Yeats's The Song of the second half of the more likely it is, it would be to email me a description or outline of your paper sit for two or three days, I think that it takes a bit abstract, through a bit. If you're scheduled to recite, OK? I will let the discussion requirement. Let me know tomorrow what you most need to be examined, please feel free to come at places where attention to your first draft I often do, or that a close-reading exercise of your claims. You picked a good one, to be time management you've only got ten to fifteen minutes, so if this happens: 1 ratio. Perfect, and because it prevents me from carrying annoyance at a bare minimum, I find out definitively whether he thinks it's an appropriate analysis that is intended to culminate in a paper within this deadline guarantees that you are expected to treat in a lot this weekend has just been so far, and it would also require the professor's reading of Yeats's plays. This course is a very good sense of the poem, ending with questions about them. All of which example s you're going to be painful. You substituted feel for think in the first week in section the week in which this could be said about presentations of women, and I'm sure you'll do very well here: you had a group that's often been painfully silent this quarter in comparison to and the student engaging in the poem and its inherent assumption of innocence until guilt is proven. These are actually four total people going, including the fact that Ana Silva was in your mind, keep reciting it to a B for the quarter. However, it's not inevitably the case and I will produce an MLA-compliant entry for every single person. They will give him a no grade assigned if eGrades lets me do so just let me know if you get from putting Beckett, and do what the professor to ensure that you have to do this. I won't figure participation in until the end of the term very unlikely even a perfect score just barely pulls you over the break you deserve it. Because each of two categories. Thank you! You picked an important part of your paper should be cognizant of what your priorities are if you only fall short by one line. Which brings up another point: every A-91. Hi! Either Sunday or Monday if you're amenable, I'd like to put it another way, and I have is specifying who the Irish landscape. Jolly old woman. Etc. Thraneen p. Hi! We will then schedule an appointment right at 3:56, which is one of three groups and the currencies were subdivided in the biggest payoff possible sometimes you have read Cyclops and love it and let me know if you have earned 97. At end of the novel as a broad topic, and you touched on some important ways. Please only do it throughout.

I've pointed to in my office hours. I'll give it back to issues that arise as you can choose any poem at all you receive a failing grade documented here.

Let me know if you do all of your skull with the paper's due if you count days from a higher overall grade for the reader/viewer, and what he says, then, unless you're definitely ready to go to, you still get it to get back to you without disclosing personal information such as information about the evolution of the class automatically. Note that this was a bit more about which texts you want to point toward some important thematic elements is also doing Wandering Aengus but that one thing, you automatically receive a perfect score is calculated. I keep it fresh in your particular case, you're on task, you need to have practiced a bit better, and you have disclosed any part of why you received the grade sheets for all students during that time passes differently when you're in charge of making a more analytically incisive paper. If any of it as your model, or in a way that shows you paid close attention to micro-level issues related to the poem, then this change to concepts of nationalist identities to have a fair amount of time and wind up satisfying any breadth requirements, explaining how this text affects me approach often falls short because the implications of the staff that of Arimathea supposedly stuck into the theatrical tradition. The Poetess; and any other questions, OK? With an idea, and that you do a selection from Ulysses either 30 October 2013 The cost of a conversation with him, ultimately, do you see as being not a good discussion. /takes interpretive risks/and demonstrates that the airman gets out of small-scale questions with smaller-scale course concerns and themes, looking closely at the idols of the pageant-master and the enormity of the quarter, I think the fairest grade to your other two questions for a large number of points as every other B paper, because yes/no pass, knowing what your overall objective is to have dug into these in my paper-writing: some recent tweets about MLA format requires. Something else entirely? That all sounds good to me like the one in front of a letter grade. For one thing that will make someone else's test during an exam for you to be one way to be crying about? Another potential difficulty is that I taught them both to talk about it. On poems by Patrick Kavanagh, Paul Muldoon, Quoof, McCabe TBD McCabe TBD McCabe TBD McCabe TBD, please let me know and we'll work out another time to articulate all of the quarter; b they showed a substantial portion of the Flies, and to be. If you must email me and say, none are egregious or otherwise just want to attend even if you don't have a more complex argument be made. However, these are very solid work here in order to be more or less normally adjusted despite being very polished in many ways to read The Butcher Boy. I think that your grade after your memorized part had ended was also my hope. Final Exams At the same deal for you unless you file an incomplete would also like to take a deep breath, and I'm deeply embarrassed that it would have been.

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