#and i remember how i was struggling really bad with my ednos at the time

[diviinitatis]

tw // uncensored (because this isn't the clock app) talk of mental illness, addiction, eating disorders, and weight. read at your discretion

i do want to talk a bit about my writing and art and what i want to do with it-- i think it comes as no surprise that i actively want to explore and depict the uglier and darker sides of life, and a lot of it is coming from my own feelings and experiences and problems, but i remain terrified of coming across like i'm romanticizing it or actually romanticizing it, even by accident.

we're taking d'ablo in this example as he's my most outwardly fucked up character. yes there's the obvious drug abuse and alcoholism that i casually sprinkle into our threads and any writing i do with him, but to examine where this tendency is coming from is important to me. more than that, though, i especially want to talk about my depiction of his eating disorder, which, while restrictive, doesn't fall into an*rexia or b*limia (censoring these so they don't end up in tags or search function) but rather an EDNOS, or eating disorder not otherwise specified.

i've not made a post on its manifestation in d'ablo yet but i came to the realization some time ago that i was unintentionally writing him with adhd for years (surprise, i also have adhd), and accompanying that was his EDNOS. in d'ablo it manifests itself as "forgetting" to eat in several ways -- entering hyperfocus and not feeling the hunger cues, simply not getting any hunger cues because his body is used to starving, suppressing his appetite (both intentionally and by accident) with drugs, and not deriving any pleasure from the act of eating and frankly finding it a chore. all of that combines into not eating much-- when he does remember or bother to eat, his body often rejects it entirely and he has to go throw up.

so eating is not a pleasant experience for him, combining adhd and other pysiological factors including a very fast metabolism whose needs are not being met. d'ablo is underweight (at 5'11, weighing ~135 pounds)-- he's always cold, he's easy to throw, and even if he is a very pretty/attractive/whathaveyou man, his bones are visible: ribs, shoulders and shoulder blades, vertebrae. people worry about him, he's cranky, and he's weaker than he should be for a vampire his age and experience.

it's important to me to combine all of this, though, with the fact that d'ablo still lives his life. his eating disorder isn't supposed to be depicted as extreme and debilitating. he still goes to work, goes out, has sex, falls in love, fights, makes bad decisions, laughs. his life is affected, but not consumed by this sickness.

and this is where i get nervous, because to me it's so important to depict these things, but depicting them as a fact of life rather than a debilitating curse with a million disclaimers about how this is a bad thing is, in fandom and online spaces, equated to romanticizing it. that because d'ablo is still capable of happiness despite this sickness, i'm saying that it's totally fine and healthy to have an ednos, actually. people seem to think, or worse, genuinely believe, that if you depict an addict or a sick person not at rock bottom, or managing to cope with their disease (whether well or badly), that you're condoning it. when really, it's just a part of a very rich and multi-faceted life.

d'ablo doesn't need to be skeletal and bedridden and having his hair fall out for this to be a valid depiction of an eating disorder. i shouldn't be afraid that my writing and art will be misconstrued as romanticizing an illness just because i'm not depicting it at its ugliest. it's important to portray things at their extremes, but to me it's even more important to write about them in a more common, everyday setting, where maybe somebody else who is struggling with it may recognize it for what it is.

outside of that deep reason for depiction, though, it's fucked up that writers and artists feel the need to post a million disclaimers whenever they post something. there should be a rapport, sure-- something that's depicted inaccurately should be pointed out and hopefully the creator will be mature enough to take the feedback and fix it. i say innacurately, not "badly," because that is a subjective term-- people's experiences are different, and portraying something differently doesn't mean it's being portrayed badly (or even innacurately). care and research should go into depiction, but sometimes the depiction won't follow the research because people's experiences are individual and sometimes even non-academic, so much so that the creator isn't always held to taking the feedback they're being given.

so i'm going to try to push this. i'm going to try to work on being unapologetic in how i portray these uncomfortable subjects, and the fact that i portray them in the first place. i always have and will welcome feedback and i'll incorporate what i want/can, when i want/can. generally i think we should extend grace and the benefit of the doubt when we see something we don't like being portrayed, or if something is portrayed in a way we don't like. chances are, it's out of ignorance or a thought-out, well-researched, and careful decision that, just because you don't agree with it, didn't come from a place of malice. fandom and online spaces aren't fun when they're so militant, and they're just getting more and more restrictive and aggressive. i really don't know how to finish this post except by saying i'm tired of it

#|| OOC. #long post

[kirishwima]

do you ever remember how many people have shown you kindness throughout your life and realize that maybe life isn't that bad sometimes

#i just passed by the house of a girl i used to know years ago #she dropped out after the first year of uni but we were friends while she was here #and i remember how i was struggling really bad with my ednos at the time #and one day i got into a fight with my mom over it and the next day we had a 5am shift at the hospital and her house is close by #and she called me over and i was crying on the phone and she was so calm she just said come over and hang up #she was always really weird and eccentric but i kind of appreciated that tbh? so i went over #and she had cooked her moms traditional recipe and told me the story behind it and its roots #(she was from israel but i cant remember what the food was called) #and i started crying and came out to her about my eating disorder and how scared food made me and she was just so patient and nice #and we spent hours she explained how food is more than just that its a way to bring people closer and thats how we came to the convo of #her moms recipe if i remember right idk its a little blurry #and i slept on her couch and she woke me up with coffee and breakfast and i was still sad #i still had severe untreated depression afterall but that gesture was the kindest thing #yeah ill never forget that kindness tbh she helped #more than she could ever know tbh i hope shes well-she had no social media so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #people can be kind if you let them #i gotta remind myself of that sometimes #burrito talks #not fandom related #delete later

[crystalzchild]

♡ Affirmations and techniques for losing weight ♡

This is very concise but helpful, it's what helped me recover from my EDNOS (I made these affirmations and techniques with my therapist, everyone is different and may need something different).

Affs:

❝I already eat a healthy portion, I don't need more❞

❝I already know how it tastes, there is nothing different, so I don't need to eat more❞

❝I can eat more later, this is not the last time eating this in my life❞

❝Being hungry is not that bad❞

❝My mind is lying to me, I'm not hungry at all❞

❝There are more things that bring me more happiness besides eating❞

❝Today I had a full day of meals, there's no need to feel desperate about eating❞

❝I'm proud of myself, I'm doing great and I celebrate my small victories because, in reality, they are huge❞

❝My mistakes help me learn, I will do better next time❞ (if you overeat or binge)

❝I don't have to worry about what I have already eaten, I have to think about what I'm going to eat, that's what I can control❞

Techniques:

Tell yourself that if thirty minutes after eating a meal you're still hungry, you will eat an apple

Distract yourself! Think of something else! Really get into what you're doing, be mindful of the moment

I know people say this all the time, but eat slowly! At first, when you feel hungry and you're not used to this it will be frustrating, but if you're mindful about how you eat later you will feel fuller than when you're eating fast

Eat every three hours, even if you don't feel really hungry have some fruit or something like that, so you will not be overly hungry when it's time to eat a meal

Drink plenty of water, this will make you feel fuller and help you speed up metabolism (it's good for all of your body, too). Did you know that you can't lose weight without drinking water?

When your mind wanders, do some meditation, I find it more helpful to do a body scan or concentrate on my breath, letting my thoughts appear but not getting engaged by them

If you struggle with nighttime binging, create a nighttime routine to get relaxed and end your day (I love doing my skincare, drinking tea in winter, and watching something on Netflix)

Don't push yourself too hard, think about your little improvements and congratulate yourself about what you did right (they may seem really small, but they will build a healthy relationship with food with time)

To find out about your triggers with binging and overeating you should write a journal, it will help you a lot (not only on this aspect but with all your life, you have no idea how many things it will help you realize when your thoughts are on paper)

Enjoy your meals and snacks when you are eating them, you will feel even better, be grateful for what you have.

Use them wisely and eat healthily, stay safe! My nutritionist told me that losing some weight would be okay, so If you're worried about your weight go see a professional, or seek good resources on the internet, you can ask me for some! (I know that not everyone has the money to go see a nutritionist or dietist). I will also be doing a post about body positivity, and how to love your body and its changes.

Remember that your big sis Nao is here, feel free to talk to me ♡ xoxo

#ed recovery #eating disorder recovery #pro recovery #cw ed #disordered eating #mental health #coping #therapy #mental wellbeing #mental help #mental health awareness #mental wellness #self help #recovery #affirmations #affirmdaily #self concept #positive affirmetions #glow up #level up your life #daily affirmations #affirm #law of manifestation #positive energy #divine femenine #self improvement #healing #cute aesthetic #kawaiicore #pinkcore

[insvisiblestrings]

A Chat About Mental Health

So if you didn’t know it is mental health awareness month and I happen to be diagnosed with a few of the most stigmatized illnesses as well as a few that typically aren’t stereotyped as belonging to people like me. So I want to.. talk about it. In hopes to break some stigma, break some stereotypes, and maybe even inspire someone to hold on? That’s asking a lot, so, let’s just see where this takes us.

I was a sad anxious lil kid. I was praised for being so polite and mature and in reality I was being hit at home and I wasn’t shy, I was anxious. When I went to my grandma’s after school I would eat and eat until I could feel anything at all, anything other than the shame of having no friends. I will skip the triggering details but I eventually saw a psychologist who did horrible things to me, I was seven. So at the age of seven I was anxious, I was traumatized, and I had been engaging in disordered eating for about 3 years. I also had the perfect storm of genetics and a bad home life where my brain just went bad. Not bad like evil, more like an avocado you forgot about in the fridge. I was a good kid, a good thing. But the mush inside was not good. I had violent, angry outbursts. I started self harming when I was 9, banging my head into walls and touching radiators too long. At 10 the panic attacks started and to cope with them I would count anything and everything, obsessively. If I was interrupted I would panic even more. At 11 I graduated to other types of self harm, mixed with too many pills, and at 12 I went on my first diet, which involved a sticky note on my bedroom door saying “do not go get food”. Looking back I see my diagnoses plain as day, a neon sign above my childhood memories of “this is when you started!” and other times just a question mark of habits I don’t ever remember living without. 

I do not remember my teenage years. I remember bits and bobs, but not the way I remember my childhood, which is so cleanly divided by year. It is a blur of “why are you like this” and “maybe this time the treatment will work.”

Things I do remember: the first time I threw a fit in the school cafeteria because my friend put her cheese into my salad (14), passing out and hitting my head on the stove on christmas morning (15), having a heart attack in 4th period english (16), long nights of texting my friend how scared I was the blood wouldn't stop (17), crying as I walked across campus (18), the onset of kidney failure from dehydration (19), and lying to my loved ones (14-19).

My teenage years were a blur of waiting rooms and bathrooms and my bathroom scale, the nutrition facts of my favorite foods and the taste of Kim K’s diet pills (grape, blegh). I saw a lot of people who didn’t do a lot to help. I got diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, Bulimia, EDNOS, and social anxiety. When I got to college I tried to commit suicide... four times. I got hospitalized and tried so hard to do better, to be better, to get better. It did not stick. I saw a psychiatrist on campus, we tried on a lot of diagnoses. I drank a lot of Ensure, I cried a lot. I screamed at her for daring to tell me what I did not want to hear. 

She diagnosed me with: Anorexia Nervosa (purging type), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, and the cherry on top: “Parker I’m afraid you’re on the path to becoming an alcoholic.” 

Life with these is not easy. For one, people are annoying as hell. Joking about having OCD when you mean, “organized.” Thinking that people with personality disorders are “abusive and scary.” Or, and this is maybe the worst one, thinking that only combat veterans get PTSD. Eye. Roll. Also the “you’re not thin enough to be anorexic” and “you don’t seem crazy.” But what is life actually like when I am, lowkey, crazy? It is listening to Taylor Swift while eating a meal I really do not want to eat. It is learning to plan for down the road, because I will be alive many years from now. It’s trying my very best to put kindness into the world despite the horrible things in my mind. 

I saw that psychiatrist last in June of 2018. Since then I went off my meds, attempted suicide twice, contemplated suicide a thousand times, went through another traumatizing event and got PTSD: The sequel, and also I relapsed with my eating disorder like, a billion times. I made a post on here in August about being 10 months into recovery. I relapsed the very next week. Then again. And again. This is when my kidneys almost failed, and I was told “you’re going to treatment” and my insurance said “no he isn’t” and I had to not die at home. and also it was Thanksgiving. Anyone else in recovery from an ED: you feel my pain on that one. I also celebrated a very happy christmas, I baked a lot of treats and I actually ate them!! I went vegan for the best reasons and I did not lose weight doing so. I cried in a very fancy restaurant but I ate my whole freakin meal and that became a favorite spot for us. I stopped telling people “I’m bipolar, not borderline” and admitted that I am, indeed, borderline. OCD is still a bitch, I need to be back on prozac. My room is a mess, just saying! But I think that my loved ones will die in a crash if I do not say “drive safe” and close the door 3 times and count the minutes until they get where they are going.

In short: Life went on, and had very happy moments. Life dragged on, and left me feeling miserable. At this point in time I am 3 months into recovery from my eating disorder and I am struggling but I want to get better, truly, and that’s something. I am kind of suicidal lately, to be honest. I have angry outbursts and I cried in public the other day. But I’m about two months clean from self harm, and I told my boyfriend that I was feeling rough and needed extra support. I got told the other day that I look like I’ve lost weight and I tried so so hard to stay off the scale. I caved. I have lost a little weight. I can recognize that isn’t something to be happy about, even if I am a little bit happy. I am still struggling, that I can say. PTSD is here to stay, as is BPD. Manageable but not curable, that’s just my life. I am moving forward beyond the years of waiting rooms and hospital walls. I smile every day. I struggle, but I am miles away from where I was at 10, 15, 17. 

That’s my mental health story. It’s still in progress, but I hope it can show that some form of upward movement is possible. I am both a “it gets better” moment and in need of some “it gets better” inspiration. Thanks for reading if you did :) If you ever have questions about how I try to get better, or about my illnesses please send me an ask! I love talking about it, I needed someone to tell young me that I wasn’t ok and there were answers and help out there.

#mental health awareness month #anorexia recovery #borderline personality disorder #actuallyocd #ptsd

[shekeepsthebees]

almost dipping into bad habits again

At the start of the most recent school year, August 2017, I began a journey into nutrition that was...not so nutritious, to be blunt. I began the Whole30 diet.

Before we get started, I want to share anyone who might read this (which will probably be no one, since I login every other blue moon... actually, I think we did just have a blue moon this morning?) that I do have a history with eating disorders, particularly anorexia nervosa and EDNOS. I have a history of restrictive eating and binging and overall just a terribly sad relationship with food and my body.

My mother has had digestive issues for as long as I can remember (I think they probably started during pregnancy--I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter), and as soon as I knew to pay attention, I watched her try various diets and adding in certain foods/exercise regimens/remove food groups from her diet to try and figure out what her problems were. Having done a lot of food reading, I know that she has some things going on that are atypical for the average person. For example, her body cannot properly handle a 60+ fl oz of water in a day. I’m not a doctor or nutritionist or any health professional, but I know 60+ fl oz of water is supposed to be a necessary and healthy thing.

All this aside, I had heard in the spring of 2017 about this thing called the Whole30 diet. I began reading about it and claimed benefits online and such, but thought I could never cut out grains, dairy, and sugar all at once. I wound up sharing the general idea with my mother when she and I were lamenting her problems and she kept saying she wanted to jumpstart her metabolism and reboot her digestive system. We did some skimming and decided that I should look into it further. I wound up doing hours of reading online from peoples’ reviews and a lot of material from the creators of Whole30; I compiled all of this information into a large packet with tabs and lists and then put together a recipe binder with eggless (my mom wanted to try and remove eggs as well) for my mother to have an easy way to find recipes and make it. I parsed through hundreds of recipes online to check if they were truly Whole30 and if my mother would like them based on what I knew her taste preferences to be.

We had been gluten-reduced for a week or two before my younger sister and I began to try introducing a few of the Whole30 recipes to our mom. After about three days of some Whole30 breakfasts and lunches, I had to return to college. I kept up with the gluten free thing since I didn’t really need it or miss it. I spent so much money on buying mostly vegetables and sausage and chicken. I did my meal prepping and was ready to start my Whole30 challenge (note: it was never intended as a diet but as a challenge, something that is supposed to be difficult but rewarding).

It was tough. Constantly having to tell myself that, no, I couldn’t run to Chick fil A for a quick dinner, I had to set aside time to make chicken or sweet potato something. I was doing great with the breakfasts--I made a huge hash thing with which I would put a fried egg on (I still make this today)--but every other meal was beginning to get difficult. I was running on very little energy at the beginning of the semester. My mindset became “no, you can’t eat x,” and very restrictive.

The Whole30 challenge is based on removing things to which we are addicted: sugars, grains, salt, etc. And reading about how they say the body works in regards to sugars and grains, it made a lot of sense. It explained why I would crave my gummy vitamins (mostly made of sugar, I would learn). But still, no legumes? Didn’t quite make sense, since I thought that was a large protein source for vegans and Whole30 puts a lot of emphasis on filling up on protein and vegetables. Whole30 encourages you to fill up during breakfast and lunch on veggies and protein... and to really fill up so that you don’t need to snack, and so that you won’t make bad choices between meals or when you get home for dinner. And I followed this. I was rarely hungry. I was eating a lot of protein and veggies. I had also read a timeline which shared the feelings and symptoms that would be experienced day by day of the challenge; this was really helpful in managing my expectations. But I still struggled telling myself I couldn’t eat a lot of things given my history of restrictive disordered eating.

Fast forward to the evening of day 4 (not really a fast-forward, but those four days were agonizing). I was struggling. I know it is because I supposedly was addicted to sugar. My roommate brought up a former teammate who had struggles with anorexia nervosa and was asking about how she could help since I had shared openly that I had had a history of eating disorders. It was shortly after our conversation when I began to realize: I had not considered my own history before I took on the challenge. I began to read and try to find answers about people who had had eating disorders and did Whole30, which is when I found that Melissa, co-founder of Whole30, answered a question in which she noted that the challenge was not designed with eating disorders in mind and advised against people who have struggled to attempt the challenge.

I realized that I needed to modify the challenge if I was going to continue. I could not tell myself “no,” to so many foods so aggressively and for an extended time period, otherwise, I would wind up obsessing and likely spiraling. My mindset was already echoing the same thoughts I had had when I first entered recovery and had to start paying attention to my thoughts and mindset in regards to eating.

I guess I’m just rambling and dumping this here so that I can get it out and off of my chest. I still follow a lot of the tenants of Whole30 as guidelines--I try to get waayyy more vegetables than I used to, I’m very much gluten-free (I had a fateful night post-Whole30 where I ordered a pizza at 10:30pm with my roommate... I was hurting for a week and have since eliminated gluten from my diet), always paying attention to where food is sourced from, how much sugar is in a food product, balancing my food intake throughout the day, etc. I honestly think that just doing the reading really transformed my mindset on food and made me so much more aware of what I’m consuming and watching my habits.

TL;DR: read all of the advice and the challenge as posted by the true Whole30 website, but maybe modify it so it is isn’t something super harsh on your body. If you have a history of disordered eating, definitely modify it.

#just wanted to share this somewhere idk #whole30 #ed recovery

[fahrminbrahmin]

ED Questions: nobody asked for this but im bored lmao

1. which eating disorder(s) do you have? 

tbh nobody has said a specific name to me drs just say either ‘eating issues’ or ‘eating disorder’ so ednos?


2. when did you develop your eating disorder?

this is hard to answer bc looking back ive shown signs since ~early teenage years but ive been fully aware of it for about 2-2.5 years


3. are you currently in recovery?

im in therapy, its bought up every other session but i tend to avoid mentioning it so yes and no


4. honestly, do you want to recover?

again, yes and no. I often h a t e feeling like this but?? the pros out way the cons at this point


5. how are you doing today?

unhealthily? great! lol i hit my next gw this week and p much all my cals have been from alcohol lmao healthily? p bad ive only eaten a cruskit and some lettuce & im kinda depressed these past days but hey! idc


6. 5 safe foods?

lettuce! so much lettuce i can easily go through a head a day. honestly, its the only thing i can eat without feeling any semblance of guilt.


7. 5 fear foods?

tbqh, its such a long list everything p much. at the height of my fear of food i saw the word protein and freaked the F out so protein


8. do you count calories?

yeah but im really good at lying to myself about how many calories ive actually eaten lmao


9. what is your max calorie limit?

i say 550, but anything over 250 makes me feel like utter shit but then again, anything makes me feel shit lol


10. what is your height?

5′3″ / 161cm 


11. what is your ultimate goal weight?

it was 49.5kg! but i hit that so its 48.7kg atm itll go down again tho


12. are you trying to lose weight?

absolutely yes


13. have you ever been called “fat”?

honestly i cant even remember if i have or not


14. have you ever been called “too thin”?

ive been called ‘small’ but not too thin. the dream tbh


15. what is your current goal weight?

48.7kgs


16. what was your highest weight?

when i first started weighing myself regularly, 61kgs


17. what was your lowest weight?

49.1kgs


18. do you wish you were back at your lowest weight?

im there rn 


19. does your family know about your eating disorder?

yes, i dont talk to a lot of ppl and p much everyone knows


20. do your friends know about your eating disorder?

yeah, one of my best friends was actually the first person i told


21. do you wish you didn’t have an eating disorder?

yes and no, i hate feeling like this toward myself and food. but ive always hated myself so this is an improvement so its a really happy side effect


22. have any “free foods”?

lettuce!! lettuce lettuce lettuce. and tea


23. how often do you weigh yourself?

every day when i wake up. id say morning but i have a shit sleep schedule lol


24. thinspo or bonespo?

neither tbh im more of a i-have-an-ed-more-to-harm-myself-less-to-be-thin kinda gal


25. biggest problem area on your body?

my chubby chubby cheeks. the great irony is that my ed gave me chipmunk cheeks which hasnt helped any but  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 


26. favourite part of your body?

tbqh i like my waist. its not tiny but its p good imo


27. what kind of results do you want to see?

booooooones!!


28. do you purge?

:/ yeah


29. do you take laxatives?

yes but i have bowel problems anyway so its the constant struggle of do i take the reccomended amount or do i overdose lmao its always overdose


30. how often do you purge?

it goes in cycles, some weeks i purge every day, other weeks its could be 1-2 times a week.


31. do you binge?

by definition, no, but often times ill eat and say to myself its a binge


32. how long have you fasted for?

im SHIT at fasting, probably like 18-19 hours


33. who’s your biggest thinspiration?

hands around thighs really get me. also protruding rib cages thats the dream.


34. favourite eating disorder movie/show/documentary?

none! ive only seen maybe half an ed doc i cant get through one. But! I have a book of stories of girls w/ eds and there was one story about a white/polynesian girl with an ed with identity issues and she was l i t e r a l l y me i still have that book


35. favourite thinspo picture?

again, any pic of fingers touching around thighs. LUV it


36. can you post a photo of yourself/your body?

ive only posted 2 body checks lol, u can see them here


37. how does your eating disorder affect your life?

Im literally obsessed with food nd my body ive isolated myself from everyone/thing in my life and everything i do is a number i h8 it


38. what is your BMI?

currently, 19.1 
39. do you follow a diet?

yeah, as little calories as possible lmao


40. least favourite part about your eating disorder?

most if not all of it? its all i think about


41. has your eating disorder ruined any relationships?

yes? if we group my ed with all my other mental health problems, i isolate myself from everyone i havent seen one of my best friends in over a year so YA


42. do you have a “guilty pleasure” food? what is it?

c h o c o l a t e. it is very much a guilty pleasure lool


43. meanspo or sweetspo?

not about the whole concept tbqh


44. does anyone else in your life have an eating disorder?

the saddest part, most women i know have expressed r admitted to doing some really shitty stuff to themselves in order to be thin


45. ever been inpatient? 
/ 46. ever been outpatient? / 47. ever been in residential care? / 48. ever been in a psych ward?

nah but ive been threatened with it


49. are you currently in therapy?

yeah, individual therapy and DBT


50. what did you eat today?

a cruskit, 1 gummy lolly, ~4 leaves of lettuce and 3 glasses of wine lmao


51. are you scared about the holidays?

yes bc ill make a pavlova and ofc im gonna eat it rip :/


52. are your family/friends supportive?

kind of, if im in a healthy mind set i know they care but dont really know how to go about it. but they let me do a lot of shitty things to myself


53. have any other mental illnesses?

’severe social anxiety’, emotional disregulation, depression, maybe avpd and/or bpd?


54. looking for ana buddies?

nopenopenope ill never encourage this


55. what is your current weight?

as of this morning: 49.1kgs

#personal #eating disorder #eating disorder questions #ed tw #ana #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #t.txt

[ganymedeandcallisto]

someone asked me for the 100 questions but tumblr is fuckin up so here u go my friend

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it? a: lea (pronounced lee), it was my grandmas middle name and yes I do love it 
2. are you artistic? a: fuck yeah I am I sing and play instruments and do art 
3. Have you had your first kiss? a: yes 
4. What is your life goal? a: to be happy TBH 
5. Do you have any expieriences with a famous person? a: my dad went to grade school with this guy who won an Oscar! also Bernie sanders came to my high school for a rally which was so so cool 
6. Do you play any sports? a: what is a sport 
7. What’s your worst fear? a: that everyone I love is pretending to like me TBH 
8. Who’s your biggest inspiration? a: Kim from Matt and Kim ngl, also the people in Costa Rica who created the giant dog sanctuary 
9. Do you have any cool talents? a: I play 6 instruments and also I have a really good memory 
10. are you a morning person? a: YES I love getting up early especially when I don’t have to do anything 
11. How do you feel about pet names? a: hate (dyldoge) 
12. Do you like to read? a: YEAH I DO it’s so fun to me 
13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life. a: the office, game of thrones, the walking dead (mostly cause glenn and maggie) 
14. Do you care about your follower count? a: nope unless it’s 420 or 666 
15. What’s the best dream you’ve had? a: probably one where I was either flying or hugging someone 
16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender? a: I have not 
17. Do you have any pets? a: YEAH I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL BABIES (dogs) 
18. Are you religious? a: I am not 
19. Are you a people person? a: ahahahahaha noooooooooooooooo 
20. Are you considered popular? a: I’m not sure?? TBH 
21. What is one of your bad habits? a: saying yes when I want to say no, also procrastinating 
22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable? a: showing music I love to people 
23. What would you name your children? a: *dogs I love all dog names 
24. Who’s your celebrity crush? a: Marcos is the biggest celebrity of my heart 
25. What’s your best subject? a: English/history that uncovers how awful white america is/has been 
26. Dogs or cats? a: both!!!!!!!! but TBH dogs more 
27. most used social media besides tumblr? a: I’m not sure but I’m gonna say chat snaps 
28. best friends name a: Marcos and varla ofc <3 <3 <3 
29. who does your main family consist of a: my sister and my mom and dad and my two beautiful dog children 
30. Chocolate or sugar a: chocolate 
31. have you ever been on a date? a: yes! not formally like “would you like to go on a date with me?” tho 
32. Do you like rollercosters? a: I did……but Marcos and I went to the fair last summer and concluded that we are too old for this and our joints are too stiff 
33. Can you swim? a: yes and I love swimming so much 
34. What would you do in the event of an apocolypse? a: grab everyone I love and live in a Costco 
35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder? a: yes ednos, depression, and trichotillomania 
36. Are your parents together? a: yes they are 
37. What’s your favourite colour? a: green forever and ever 
38. What country are you from/do you live in? a: USA :^) 
39. Favourite singer? a: I’m gonna say my favorite artist is Matt and Kim but there are so many other favorites ahahah 
40. Do you see yourself being famous some day? a: no TBH unless it’s for cooking 
41. Do you like dresses? a: yeah I fuckin love dresses but they are uncomfy sometimes 
42. Favourite song right now? a: poplar street by glass animals or vampire money by mcr honorable mention: planetary [go!] by mcr, well it’s true that we love one another by the white stripes, northeast by Matt and Kim, man on the moon by zella day, the way we move by langhorne slim and the law, when you’re young by Edward sharpe and the magnetic zeroes 
43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? a: no I actually really like talking about sex! I think it’s healthy to 
44. How old were you when you first got your period? a: like 11 I think lmao 
45. Have you ever shot a gun? a: nope and I don’t really wanna 
46. Have you ever done yoga? a: yes 
47. Are you a horror girl? a: hell yeah give me some of that 😩💯😭👌🏽✔️✔️👅💦💦😳👀😍 babadook 
48. Are you good at giving advice? a: sometimes like I know exactly what I wanna say but I talk around it bc I’m bad at explaining things 
49. Tell us a story about your childhood. a: one time when I was 4 my cousin was bothering me and putting a pillow over my face so I bit him so hard it bled and now he’s a trump supporter but I can’t bite him bc I’m an Adult 
50. How are you doing today? a: I’m good!! I had a really great breakfast with my RA Rebecca and my roommate Sydney! 
51. Were you a cute kid? a: there was no kid cuter than me up until like 1st grade when I got glasses 
52. Can you dance? a: when no one is watching TBH 
53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing? a: eating with chopsticks and also wanting to be in love 
54. Have you ever dyed your hair? a: nooooo but I wanna 
55. What colour are your eyes? a: brown 
56. What’s your favourite animal? a: horses and dogs!! 
57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself? a: yes I definitely have :^)))) 
58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? a: I think so!! they support my decision to change my major and I’m so so happy 
59. Do you have good friends? a: like 3 maybe who I never get to see ://// 
60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group? a: ya bich it me (also yes!! many of my friends are) 
61. What’s your favourite class? a: this quarter, Asian American studies 
62. List all the tv shows you are watching. the walking dead, westworld, full frontal with Samantha Bee, daily show, game of thrones, I think that’s it? 
63. Are you organized? a: honey………no 
64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion? in theaters I saw rogue one and I loved it so much THERE WERE POC LEADS 
67. Which tv character do you relate to most? a: I don’t know actually but probably Pam from the office TBH 
68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness? a: distance :/ and financial instability :/ 
69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing? a: taking care of dogs 
70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die? a: id change the not dying part…….it’s gotta happen sometime just not now 
71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you? a: I’d dance all the time in public 
72. If you could start over, what would you do differently? a: stand up for myself 
73. Would you break the law to save a loved one? a: is this even a question of course I would 
74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new? a: in August when me and Marcos went to SLO 
75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind? a: the living room and my dogs greeting me and getting in n out for dinner 
76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today? a: I found out I can change my major really quickly 
77. What did you want to be when you were a kid? a: a paleontologist I loved dinosaurs 
78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking? a: not too much actually I dream of being financially stable with my love Marcos and being surrounded by dogs and having my family live not super close but not too far away 
79.When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have? a: in class bc participation is part of the grade 
80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence a: I’m going to finish college with a steady job, hopefully travel a lot, and spend all the time I can working towards The Dream™ 
81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like? a: me: graduates college and gets a masters degree within a year 
82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity? a: looking for a way to make Marcos also live forever and then taking care of all dogs 
83. How would you spend a billion dollars? a: I’d buy a big house that has a lot of land for my dogs to run around in and pay for a bunch of kids’ tuition and buy my parents a bunch of vacations and create spaces for dogs everywhere and donate to Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren……that’s kind of a big question 
84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future? a: the past so that I can see all the history white people cover up 
85. What motivates you to succeed? a: The Dream ™ of being financially stable in a nice apartment with a few dogs and the love of my life Marcos 
86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most? a: I had a nightmare that trump became president 
87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why? a: woods bc city smell like pee and is smoggy 
88. Do you believe in life after death a: kinda but I hope it’s a life where I don’t really have to Do anything 
89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they? a: my great uncle because he was a professor of English and he loved my great aunt so much and had a house in the middle of nowhere surrounded by forest and deer and it had a greenhouse and a place for bats to roost 
90. What’s your fondest childhood memory? a: making pillow forts with my sister and then destroying them by jumping on top of them 
91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why? a: I wanna have dinner with Donald trump, specifically so I can stab him in his orange face with my fork 
92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy? a: not too many things TBH I cry very hard at practically everything 
93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life? a: you shouldn’t have to change something about yourself in order to deserve love (unless ur a neo nazi or a mass murderer or something like that obviously) 
94. What do you think happens after we die? a: party in the afterlife 
95. What would you do if you would be invisible? a: probably steal money from trump but make it look like mike pence or richard spencer did it 
96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try? a: whistle ahahaha 
97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring? a: all dogs are beautiful 
98. How did your first crush develop? a: my first crush was on Luke Skywalker and it developed by me watching a new hope 
99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it? a: it’s the feeling of That Fuck Shit and i ignore it on the daily 
100. Do you live or do you just exist? a: time is meaningless and none of us Actually exist

#dt #long post #long posts

[pinteressay]

Sickly Skinny:  A mosaic memoir by Cristina Casas

“Have you lost weight?” was my grandmother’s way of saying “I love you”. The women of my extended family who developed type II diabetes from being overweight would constantly and relentlessly fat-shame other women as a way to hide their own insecurities about their weight. Both of my parents wanted to lose weight but couldn’t stick to a diet and exercise plan. But I was the one to develop an eating disorder at 14. The kid who had never cared what others thought, who put about five minutes of time into her appearance every day, who when she wasn’t in a school uniform was in her self-appointed uniform of solid colored t-shirts and dark washed skinny jeans. That was the kid that went from 135 lbs to 100 lbs in two months.

The Worst Things I Heard When I Lost 35 Lbs in Two Months at 15

1.   “Have you lost weight?!?!?!”

2.   “You look absolutely amazing!”

3.   “What diet are you on? And how can I do it too?”

4.   “I won’t eat unless you will too” - my best friend (soon to be boyfriend) who thought he was helping

5.   “What’s your secret?”

6.   “Let’s go shopping so you can donate all your old clothes that are too big!”

7.   “You’re so lucky to be a double zero!”

8.   “I’m so jealous of your size!”

9.   “You look so much sexier now.” - my 40 year old godmother

10. “Whatever you’re doing to look like this, keep it up!”

He’s never explicitly said it but, my dad had an eating disorder as a teenager. His situation was different than mine, his immediate family was extremely fat phobic, and he was a chubby child. As a teenager, he had a job working for Coca-Cola as a delivery person. He was part of a two-person delivery team, his partner would drive the truck, and my dad would unload the boxes of soda. When he talks about this experience, he focuses on that part of it; offhandedly adding that every single day he did that job, for lunch, he would have a snickers bar and a diet coke. When talking about this period of his life, he drops the fact in casually, but it is always included. He can’t talk about high school without mentioning the lunches of 0 calorie soda and a candy bar. I’ve seen the photos of my dad’s transformation - it wasn’t typical puberty baby fat shedding; he went from being an overweight kid to an underweight teenager. It’s sad. He played football but got injured so he had to quit and that’s when this started. My guess: he felt like if he was big but didn’t play football, he’d lose his popularity so he “became attractive”. I don’t think he knew he had an eating disorder; he may not even realize it now. There’s this stereotype that eating disorders are only for, well, people who look like me: skinny, relatively attractive, white girls with long hair. They’re not for boys, particularly not for Hispanic boys. 

Eating disorders can be genetically linked, so it’s not much of a stretch to realize he had an eating disorder as a teenager, despite us never explicitly talking about it. Eating disorders are much less sociocultural than people seem to think as they are neurological disorders, though they do have deep psychological links and triggers though. Both anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are linked to certain genes, this research is still very new, but neurologists and geneticists are exploring. A study done on twins showed that pathological attitudes such as body dissatisfaction, eating and weight concerns, and weight preoccupation, show heritabilities of roughly 32 to 72 percent. While this isn’t the same as a parent-child relationship, it does show that eating disorders can be shared between family members. As with many mental disorders, it is difficult to pinpoint exactly how/why these disorders manifest in certain people as opposed to others but studies have shown that “greater than 50 percent of the variance in liability to eating disorders and disordered eating behaviors can be accounted for by additive genetic effects” (Berrettini).

Things I Wanted To Hear When I Lost 35 Lbs in Two Months at 15

1.   “We can see your ribs; are you okay?”

2.   “You aren’t broken.”

3.   “We accept you no matter what.”

4.   “We want to help you.”

5.   “We love you always.”

6.   “I understand what you’re going through.”

The DSM V categorizes five main eating disorders but when I was first diagnosed four years ago, there were four major eating disorders in the DSM IV: anorexia nervosa (binge/purge and restricting), bulimia nervosa (purge and non-purge), and eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS) with binge eating disorder as a specific subcategory of EDNOS. I have EDNOS. People with EDNOS either have atypical anorexia or bulimia, mixed features of both disorders, or behaviors that are not categorized in either bulimia or anorexia (Psychology Today). Basically, if you have disordered eating to the point where it could be considered an eating disorder, but you don’t have one of the other three, you have EDNOS. My eating disorder manifests as a mix of both anorexia (restricting) and bulimia (non-purge). My own personal way of looking at it is that I am an atypical anorexic with the mentality of a bulimic person. Unlike typical anorexics, I am completely aware of my condition and even at my very worst never let myself go more than 72 hours without eating. Additionally, atypical anorexics, never drop into a weight range that would be considered underweight. I fully understand the health detriments, but it’s not something you logically choose - it's a neurological and psychological disease that you have to fight. Typical bulimics binge eat and then fast, but I tend to fast and then mildly binge, which at this point means eating a slightly larger than “normal” meal and allow myself to eat more sweets than I should.

EDNOS is the most prominent eating disorder, affecting 75% of people with eating disorders (Machado). It affects nearly 10% of the total population of the United States: 4.78% of adolescents and 4.64% of adults. The disorder is difficult to study because, like all other mental disorders, it is so highly individualistic; EDNOS doesn’t affect any two people in the same way. Since there is a range of subcategories of EDNOS, which are each highly volatile,  little can be said about the category as a whole. What can be stated is that like with other eating disorders EDNOS is widely under-treated and often undiagnosed, it also can lead to severe long-term health detriments such as potentially permanent kidney damage, heart damage, and brain damage if left untreated (Le Grange).

Things My Eating Disorder Made Me Do:

1.   Obsess over calories - something I had never even considered before

2.   Skip meals

3.   Completely stop eating breakfast

4.   Obsessively drink water

5.   Avoid kitchens and cafeterias like the plague

6.   Fight with my boyfriend about eating and anything having to do with food

7.   Become nauseated at the smell of most food

8.   Ignore the worsening of my chronic migraines - one of my migraine triggers is low blood sugar

9.   Rationalize binging after not eating

10. Fight all logic when it came to food and eating

11. Eat fewer than 500 calories a day

As children, people who later develop eating disorders are often characterized as “anxious, obsessive, perfectionistic and achievement-oriented,” I fit that description pretty perfectly, both as a child and now as a college freshman (Weir). These character traits certainly aren’t the reason I developed ENDOS, but once I had it they exacerbated it: I’m anxious about my weight and people noticing my odd eating habits. I’m obsessive about calories. I’m a perfectionist in so many aspects of my life that it causes me extreme emotional stress that I cannot gain enough control over my brain to be able to fend off this disorder. I am always oriented towards both finally freeing myself from ENDOS and giving in to achieve my “goal weight”.

I remember the day my boyfriend asked me if I was anorexic and I had a complete meltdown; denying vehemently to save face. I knew I had an eating disorder before we started dating, I had accepted that struggle as part of my life. That sounds passive, but like any other mental disorder, ENDOS won’t go away because you pretend you don’t have it, it’ll just get worse. I have never in my life thought I was overweight, but for some reason at 14 going on 15, my brain decided that the extra tummy pudge I had was no longer acceptable. I already had depression and anxiety at that point; and because they were unrelated, my eating disorder perversely helped me get over my depression. As I lost weight, I became less depressed, not necessarily because I was happy I lost the weight, that certainly factored in, but almost because my brain could only handle so many things so my eating disorder sort of absorbed the depression. If I was feeling emotionally shitty, my brain suggested I had eaten too much the day before and was feeling bad about that. Logically, I knew that not eating was probably contributing to the shitty feeling but like with most mental disorders, there is no room for logical though - my own or that of others. 

My boyfriend would try to convince me to eat with logical arguments such as “the human body needs more than 1000 calories a day Cristina, you’re actually killing yourself” and “Cristina, you know that when you fast you retain water so you gain water weight and you actually lose weight more slowly” and I knew all of these things in my brain, but the eating disorder always found a way to render them void. My responses to these very logical arguments were usually along the lines of “I’m fine” and “Look, I’m getting better really, I’m just not hungry right now”. Like my father, for a period of time, I would eat a candy bar for lunch; these “lunches” would be eaten around 2 PM, after my third class of the day when I would begin to feel a migraine coming on and would only eat so that I could make it through the rest of the day because raising my blood sugar often helps me fend off a migraine. I passed out three times from lack of food but I always blamed it on my migraines, which are equally serious, but wouldn’t warrant a call to the school psychologist. 

I developed a habit of lying about eating; I would tell my theater castmates that I was going to eat dinner once I got home from rehearsal and my parents that I had eaten dinner at rehearsal; I never told my mom about the skipped meals - to her knowledge I was getting three meals plus snacks every day. 

Battling an eating disorder has become a huge part of my identity because it’s hard for a mental disorder not to become a big part of who you are - there's a constant battle in my head between the disorder and my self; eating disorders shift your whole perception of yourself whether you want them to or not, no matter how hard you fight them. It plays a huge role in my confidence and general self-image, not just my physical appearance either. A large part of me is so outraged that I “allowed” the eating disorder to do this to me, I have spent the past four years so ashamed of it. 

Things My Eating Disorder Didn’t Make Me Do:

1.   Eat less shit/healthier

2.   Exercise

3.   Feel the need to purge

4.   Obsess over my body image to a degree of dysphoria

5.   Think that I needed to see my ribs to be beautiful - I was disgusted when I got to my thinnest and could see my skin suctioning around my ribs like cling wrap, but I couldn’t stop

6.   Deny having an eating disorder

The first step of recovery is acknowledgement, something I had from the get-go. Step two is actually wanting to recover, which was the hardest part. Unlike most other disorders, people are amazed and impressed with the physical results of an eating disorder. The amount of compliments I received after losing the weight, did not at all make me want to regain a healthier weight. So for two years, I stayed at 100-105 lbs. My senior year of high school, I snapped; I didn’t care what anyone thought of me anymore, about anything. I decided once and for all that I needed to actively change the way I thought about food and my eating disorder. I had gained a bit of weight over the summer and was up to 110 lbs, and I decided that instead of panicking like I did when I first saw the number on the scale, I would make this my new “acceptable” weight, I could live with being a zero instead of a double zero. It seems so dumb that I let the arbitrary numbers put on clothing define how I live my life, but to me, it matters, and I have made that my safe zone. I decided to start practicing yoga and eating in a less disordered fashion. The exercise certainly helped me become okay with gaining a little weight. Coming to college I have gained a little more weight but increased the level of exercise without trying due to the pedestrian lifestyle, so my clothing all still fits which helps put my eating disorder at ease. I am still in the recovery process, but I recently I have become increasingly happy with my body, and I can feel the disorder retreating, it’s not gone but the mental wounds opened by my EDNOS are starting to scar over.

Bibliography

Andersen, Arnold E., et al. “A Slimming Program For Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified.” Psychiatric Clinics of North America, vol. 24, no. 2, 2001, pp. 271–280.

Berrettini, Wade. “The Genetics of Eating Disorders.” Psychiatry (Edgmont) 1.3 (2004): 18–25. Print.

Bischoff-Grethe, Amanda et al. “Altered Brain Response to Reward and Punishment in Adolescents with Anorexia Nervosa.” Psychiatry research 214.3 (2013): 10.1016/j.pscychresns.2013.07.004. PMC. Web. 22 Nov. 2017.

“Eating Disorders.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 3 June 2017, www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/eating-disorders.Eddy, Kamryn T, et al. 

“Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified in Adolescents.”American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, vol. 47, no. 2, Feb. 2008, pp. 156–164.

Elices, Matilde, et al. “Direct Experience While Eating: Laboratory Outcomes among Individuals with Eating Disorders versus Healthy Controls.” Eating Behaviors, vol. 27, 2017, pp. 23–26.

Foerde, Karin et al. “Neural Mechanisms Supporting Maladaptive Food Choices in Anorexia Nervosa.” Nature neuroscience 18.11 (2015): 1571–1573. PMC. Web. 22 Nov. 2017.

Kerr, Kara L et al. “Altered Insula Activity during Visceral Interoception in Weight-Restored Patients with Anorexia Nervosa.” Neuropsychopharmacology 41.2 (2016): 521–528. PMC. Web. 22 Nov. 2017.

Le Grange, Daniel et al. “Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified Presentation in the US Population.” The International journal of eating disorders 45.5 (2012): 711–718. PMC. Web. 22 Nov. 2017.

Machado, Paulo P.P., et al. “The Prevalence of Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified.”International Journal of Eating Disorders, vol. 40, no. 3, 2007, pp. 212–217.

Weir, Kirsten. “New Insights on Eating Disorders.” Monitor on Psychology, vol. 47, no. 4, Apr. 2016, p. 36., www.apa.org/monitor/2016/04/eating-disorders.aspx.

[osfed-and-me]

#1 My rant (incl poem): post #1 Peasful Advanced Member Members 109 posts 0 warning points LocationEngland Posted Today, 10:10 PM So my life is a mess. I know it's unhealthy to be on here but it's the only place I really feel supported. Though a few friends know what's going on, NOT ONE of them checks up on me to see how I'm doing. NOBODY NOTICES, NOBODY CARES... it's really painful. When I'm really ill nobody asks. When I'm having better days no one checks to see if I'm still in my good place. This really pains me. It goes further than that though. I'm the one who always has to say hi first. I have to pop up I have to always take the first step, but I get so full of anxiety I assume no one REALLY wants to takk to me they only talk out of a sense of obligation, which is affirmed by them NEVER popping up first, and the few people I've really leant on before, it has become too much for them and so they've abandoned me at my lowest points. The only person who truly loves and cares about me is my Priest. Not just any Priest thus one is very special. He does check to see how I am. He has seen me have a full nervous breakdown and has made me bread and butter and a cup of tea when I was physically shaking and couldn't stop crying. He looked after me when I was probably my sickest. I was threatening suicide and he really helped me through it all. I trust him completely and even if I don't want to eat, if he gives me something I always do eat/drink it because I know it's for my good, and as my Father Spiritual Director he has my total and loving obedience, even if it's hard. He doesn't ever lecture me or make me feel bad for struggling. He's there when I'm fine and there when I'm really not fine, and he can read me like a book! He's on holiday in Italy at the moment and I'm worried that when he returns, if I tell him I've been on here, he may forbid me from ever coming on here again. I cannot and would not hide anything from him. If he were to forbid me from coming on here I would listen to him and obey him, even though I feel that this is the only place I can find solidarity, support and affirmation from people that are going through the same thing as me. You guys know the pain and confusion of your disordered eating shifting and being "on and off" and how invalidating it is, to the point where one second you want to screamI HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, the next Ira like "no I don't everything is fine that was just a phase stop being stupid you're obsessing..." and so on. Here is a poem I've shared before that best describes my ED (or non ED or whatever this is, this on and off horrific mental torture designed to pull the rug from underneath my psyche) ************************************************* Dear YOU Dear YOU. I might not know YOUR name but YOU live inside me. YOU are Legion YOU are pain. YOU are the ‘voices’, that cacophony I cannot get out of my brain. YOU have sat on a porcelain throne waiting for my soul to bend the knee. YOU, perfect image of what the perfect girl, the porcelain doll, is supposed to be. YOU are many but YOU are one. YOU remember all and torture me constantly twisting all the things I and others have said and done. YOU tell me what I have become. YOU hide behind diets and health and the Saints. YOUR holiest virtue is losing weight. Is finding greatness in the discipline of starving, restricting, self-harming. To some my weight loss was alarming so YOU switched tack. YOU gave me my food back and I began eating. YOU were nothing, a fad, and easily beaten, so I thought… I binged and purged a few times for good measure. I must be light as a feather and wholly detached. If only I controlled this one simple act, then, I would find peace. then, I could be proud of me because I had finally done something productive. How can I explain? I am full of contradictions!!! YOU, O Legion are one and are many friends. The torture never ends! YOU say “Eat.” YOUR other says “starve. Don't let your family see your emotional scars. Be ashamed of your portion size, even if it's salad. You're not even trying to lose weight look at you!!! Be afraid of facing who you really are, you fat pathetic failure.” The torment makes me want to scream. I cannot sleep. “Now eat, and don't let anyone suspect. Later you can purge and everything will be perfect…”, “But wait this is making me ill!” I protest. “No, it's not. You're in control, just try to relax and take another diet pill you’ll be fine. Your friend was wrong when he said you are dying you're not look, you're in the normal to binging phase. If you don't throw up that means everything is okay, but remember, if you don't throw up, you won't lose weight…” “Go back to starving be disciplined and make them all proud! If you don't carry on you've let everyone down. You're not ill you just had a moment of obsession but it's fine! Blame the Autism, blame the Depression, go to Confession and be Absolved. Don't get anyone else involved though. They don't understand. They'll ruin your plans. All they want to do is take the power out of your hands you don't want that do you? Didn't think so…. You will listen to my demands?” “You ate junk food yesterday and the day before and were fine. You can't have an Eating Disorder if you're not starving all of the time. You dip in and out of behaviours so you have nothing that any doctor or psychiatrist will define. But go ahead, try to untangle MY web of lies. You're delusional if you think I'm going to just let you get away from ME. I was in your head even before you began university, and whilst you studied you managed to ignore my pleading. Please stop eating, restrict and fast. You'll still pass! You'll get your degree in Divinity I promise! But you said “I'll starve myself after I've done my essays. I need the energy if I even hope to get a passing grade. The anxiety and depression and lack of sleep were enough. I won't listen to YOUR voices and make my road a million times as tough.”” “But you've quit uni haven’t you dear? You're a failure at everything and nothing is clearer. I edged ever nearer and whispered in your ear “you promised…”” This is my fourth attempt at losing weight. “But Ana, yes I found your name, I don't want you here.” “I'm not Ana or Mia or anyone else. I am Power and a sovereign, a goddess and a law unto myself. You will binge eat and purge, but not long enough to be seen or heard. You will starve and eat normally and no one will ever see you hurting. I am the perfect combination of healthy and sick. You don't recognise ME because I constantly shift. Therefore, I don't exist. I am not real because I have no name. You are to blame. It's all up to you like I told you before. If you want me to be called Ana then don't give up and then maybe they'll love you more…” “But I want YOU nameless because I don't want a disease. Another disorder with which to contend. I thought self-discipline was my friend?! Of course I don't want to be Anorexic but a name brings some sense of validation and peace… I can't call YOU out if I don't know who or what YOU are. Sometimes I think YOU are pushing me too far. YOU raise the bar where I'll never reach it. Why won't YOU, Legion, ever be pleased? What is wrong with me?! Are you a demon or a disorder?” I'll be fine, if I put my life and its priorities back in their proper order. “She might go away if I ignore HER…” “Hahaha in your dreams!!!!!” ******************************* It would probably be in my best interests to not sink deeper into this place and entertain these thoughts and as my mum puts it "give yourself an Eating Disorder" of course I don't want to get sick again. I don't know I just want to not feel so alone. Anyway thanks for listening to my rant. I don't feel sick at the moment, but if I were well why the heck am I on here? Sorry guys not trying to criticise anyone. My mind is so full of contradictions. *********************** It takes discipline to diet. Stressed, depressed and doing my best. GW: 125lb

My post on the EDNOS/OSFED section of MPA

[jumbleofemotion]

Day 1, 2 and 3 (BPD awareness month)

I’m going to do the old and new version.

Old: 

1. Think of the last time you were really angry. Why was that?

Not sure if it’s the last time as can’t remember but most memorable. I was about to be sectioned but ran out of the hospital and hid somewhere. My friend who was with me found me and said we could go back to her mum’s house, have a drink and calm down but instead she rung the police on me and got me handcuffed and sectioned at a psych ward. I was fuming and calling her awful names

2. Why did your last friendship end?

I don’t currently have one that has ended as I end up forgiving people. I have some that are not as close. For example my friend who was with me when I was manic and psychotic and took me to hospital has moved to Wales (I live in east England, literally opposite sides of the UK) and she has changed (she seems to be a lot more annoyed easily and stressed) so we aren’t that close anymore. 

3. Do you self harm, if yes, how? 

Yes, I cut myself with razors on my arms mainly. But I don’t do it regularly anymore, just when I’m really struggling.

New:

1. Please take some time to Introduce yourself! Share any information about yourself you’d like to!

I’m K, I’m vegan and I’m diagnosed with BPD, bipolar, social anxiety, EDNOS and psychosis. I want to one day become a registered dietitian (ironic considering my eating disorder).

2. When did you first begin to be aware of your BPD? How did you feel then vs now?

Well when I was aware and when I was diagnosed are different. When diagnosed I was in denial and believed it was just bipolar which I didn’t have a diagnosis for then. Now I occasionally feel like I don’t have it but then symptoms reappear and I can see that I fit the diagnosis. 

3.  Do you have any consistent coping habits? What are they and what do they help with?

Going on tumblr and using it as a public diary helps when I’m angry or depressed. Same for listening to certain music playlists. Stroking my cat calms me down and cheers me up. Self harm when things get really bad to get a release and stop me doing something worse such as overdosing. Rocking back and forth with music blaring out when hallucinating or hearing voices. 

#bpd awareness month #bpd awarenss #bpd #borderline personality disorder #actuallyborderline #bpd tag #emotionally unstable personality disoder #eupd #mental illness #mentally ill #actuallybpd #personality disorder

[teenslife]

ED’S (Eating Disorders)

So for this post I am going to attempt to talk about a sensitive subject but since I am a survivor of this, I think I will do an okay job of it. So if somehow I manage to offend anyone I apologize now.

“Eating disorders -- such as anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder – include extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors surrounding weight and food issues. Eating disorders are serious emotional and physical problems that can have life-threatening consequences for females and males “

+Eating Disorder Definition ^

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SUMMARY

+Basically an ED is generally triggered by an emotional response to ones physical appearance. A lot of times ED’s form after body shaming, emotional distress, and can even effect those who have not faced any hardships concerning weight. One of the things that people get wrong, as they aren't the ones suffering from an ED is that many times the person is either focusing on weight or appearance. You may think they are the same but they are not! I promise you. Weight is concerning how much they weight, pounds. Appearance is more concerning what they look like whether they have a flat stomach thigh gap, etc. +

So for me, my obsession over my appearance started near the end of 5th grade, after my friend lost a lot of weight over the summer. I began to notice my appearance and not so flat stomach. However, this didn't really get to me it was just something I noticed. So over the summer I began to eat healthy and I eventually got my collar bone to show. I remember thinking ‘that if I didn’t continue to eat how I was i would loose my progress’ so there I planted the seed to forming an ED.

Then 6th grade started and I began to fall back into my unhealthy eating patterns. It wasn’t until about mid school year did I really feel defeated about my stomach being huge! I remember think ‘the hell I looking freaking pregnant’ So after that I began to really cut back on food, I would eat extremely slow and give or throw my food away. I wasn’t extremely obsessed but I was determined at the time. One night that year my family had burritos and since I loved rice I basically ate probably 5-6 servings of Spanish rice in a tortilla! I remember I ate so much that I felt like I would throw up and I could barely move i hurt so much. I was appalled at myself. I had just eaten probably 2 thousand calories not counting the rest of the days food. That was the first night I threw up ever, purposely. I told myself that I would only do it if I over ate, but then it slowly turned into something that I did whenever I ate something I deemed unhealthy or to much, a cookie, some pasta, a huge salad. Eventually I began to eat whatever because I would just go throw up.

This lasted through summer and into 7th grade where it got really bad. I knew it was bad and I needed to stop, not only was it destroying my health but my dreams along with it. It was damaging my vocal cords, the key to my success if I was ever going to become a professional singer. This same year I suffered from depression, so on top of my ED I had to hid my depression. (Ill explain my depression and early years of bullying later) During this year my ED turning into EDNOS which is a combo of anorexia and bulimia. So when I did eat i was not very healthy and when I threw up it was more like a scream. Many people who cut describe it as silently screaming, for me throwing u was me silently screaming. I knew what I was doing was bad I even told my self to stop but I kept doing it! I eventually got to a point where as soon as I stopped eating the food would automatically start coming up, in which I knew I had to get a grip on my ED. I am different from many, my mind is generally stronger than others (not in a mean way) that it can easily break habits. So I broke this habit and stopped for a while to get a grip then started again.

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This past year my parents found out and got me to stop and I have been clean ever since then. My fast recovery has been thanks to my stubborn mind I guess. However, I know that for majority it is not that simple and that is why I made this blog to help people struggling to understand that I am no fake and that I truly have gone through the same things you are. The diets, the ED’S, the body shaming I UNDERSTAND IT!

This was just a sort summary of my 2 1/2 year struggle with ED’S and I hope this help you to reach out to someone to seek help. Not seeking help is my biggest regret because as soon as I was clean of my ED for about 2 weeks my singing became 10x better. and hat made me sad to see that FOOD became such an obsession to me that I was giving up everything! Get help, please, I wont tag an eating disorder number but I encourage all who have developed ED’S to seek help before it truly begins to effect your life.

#eating disorders #eating disorder recovery #my story #anoexia #bulima #fight #teens #teenagers #fitness #love #confidence #empoweringwomen #empoweryourself