#and i just. i just think like damn she really has no idea who i am or ehat im up to

[ellecdc]

James and Sirius and Remus and Lily and *takes a dramatic breath* you?

this one's for you @enamoredwithbella, thanks for sorting this idea out with me @unstablereader

poly!Marauders + Lily x shy!reader who is so smitten with them

CW: fem!reader, reader has hair long enough to be played with, reader is in Hufflepuff, swearing, consent because it's sexy AF

This was obviously a bad idea.

You’re not even sure how your friends managed to convince you to attend the Gryffindor party, but you swore to every deity it would never happen again.

There were too many people (most of whom you’d never spoken to before), it was too loud (songs you didn’t particularly care for), and the fifteenth time someone bumped into you nearly sent you over the edge.

“Whoa there, sweetheart.” A low voice commented as an arm quickly righted you from your nearly horizontal position. “Y’alright?”

You looked up to see the face of none other than Gryffindor quidditch captain James Potter beaming down at you.

You were ashamed of yourself for the way that smile made you feel.

“Erm, yup! Thanks.” You squeaked, quickly freeing yourself from James’ grasp so fast that you nearly knocked someone else over in your attempt at creating distance between you and the Headboy.

It wasn’t that you didn’t like James. On the contrary; you were rather smitten with him.

Him and his partners - which was nothing short of dense in simple terms.

But you couldn’t help the way you blushed when he held the doors open for you as you walked into classes, or the friendly smile and wave he’d shoot at you when he saw you on Prefect rounds. 

You sort of wished he’d stop being so bloody nice to you; maybe then you’d be able to get over this crush that was never going to amount to anything.

But James was taken; three times over. 

And what a sodding group they were.

Heart Throb of Hogwarts™ Sirius Black in his effortless style, his devil may care attitude, and his insatiable flirting. Being noticed by Sirius felt like your favourite rockstar singing a song written just for you. 

And don’t even get you started on the enigma that is Remus Lupin; the Cassanova of Gryffindor tower. Everyone in your year (and likely the years below you) had at some point or another crushed hard on the quiet Marauder; but it really couldn’t be helped. He was tall, he was handsome, he was kind, and though he was far more quiet than his counterparts, the quips he shared with you never ceased to reduce you to a fit of laughter.

And gods, was Lily Evans ever beautiful. She was the total package; she was funny, outgoing, smart, and stunning. Looking at her even now with her long auburn hair as she threw her head back in laughter; so open and care free in her actions. You weren’t sure if you wanted to be her or being underneath-

No.

No. That was not a nice thing to think about someone who was in a committed relationship.

You let out a sigh as you zoned back into the fact that James still had one of his hands on your elbow and was smiling curiously at you. 

“Thanks for the save! I really owe you one.” You chuckled awkwardly and nearly took out one of the Prewett twins in your haste to leave Potter’s vicinity. 

Unfortunately, trouble seemed to be following you.

And by trouble, you meant Sirius Black.

“Damn, Hufflepuff!” He cheered as he moved a sultry gaze up and down your body appreciatively. “Give us a spin, dollface.”

You felt all the blood in your body migrate to your cheeks as you fought to keep your mouth from falling open.

Lily, the beautiful angel (or the evil temptress, depending on how you looked at it), swatted at Sirius from her perch on the arm of the chair her boyfriend was currently occupying.

“Down boy; you’re going to scare her away.” She teased with a smirk as she winked at you. 

You felt momentarily grateful for her.

And then she spoke again.

“Then none of us will get to look at her.”

Fucking Helga, was it hot in here? They needed to open more windows; preferably one you could launch yourself out of right now, thank you very much. 

“That’d be such a shame, really. Sorry doll, you don’t gotta spin - no one else here deserves to appreciate such a view.”

“Okay.” You squeaked and turned in search of your friends.

You know what? Fuck your friends; you were leaving with or without them. 

They weren’t….flirting with you, were they?

Surely not.

Of course not.

What a ridiculous thing to think.

But…it certainly felt like they were flirting with you.

Maybe one more glance?

Just as you were about to approach the portrait hole, you turned for one more look at the objects of your affection and your current tormentors and - yup, sure enough - Sirius, Lily, and now James were all standing there smiling at you.

They were watching you leave?!

Okay time to go, that is enough nonsense for one day. 

You spun and collided with something tall and solid which thankfully caught your arms as you all but ricocheted off of them.

“Hey there, dove. Where’re you headed in such a hurry?”

Please for the love of gods, don’t tell me…

But of course, you looked up to see the face of one Remus Fucking Lupin smirking down at you. 

“You lot are everywhere.” You whispered in awe. The bastard only chuckled in response.

“Come on you guys! We’re going to start a game of truth or dare!” Lily called over to…you (?) and Remus.

“Well, we wouldn’t want to miss that, would we?” Remus murmured lowly into your ear as he steered you towards the growing circle congregating around the various chairs and sofas littering the common room.

And listen, you’re not particularly proud that you were so placid in Remus’ man handling you.

But in your defence…

In your defence, Remus was man handling you. 

And to your absolute horror, he plopped you down beside Lily on a large chair that was not quite large enough for two people. 

You tried to swallow your heart back down which was attempting to escape via your mouth as you became hyper focused on the fact that Lily sodding Evans was pushed up against you none too casually and- Merlin’s tits, was she playing with your hair!? 

You pretended to pay attention as a few rounds passed by; your friend being dared to give you a lap dance being the most brazen thing to have taken place.

Until it got to the Marauders.

Marlene dared Sirius to strip down to his boxers for a whole round which he was all but too eager to do, apparently. Meaning he got to ask the next person.

“Moony!” 

Remus smiled down at his lap before he looked over at one of his boyfriend’s mischievously. 

“I dare you to kiss the prettiest girl here.”

You’re not necessarily proud of the way your heart plummeted at that; this is what you had been telling yourself all night. They were taken.

No matter if they complimented you.

No matter if they caught you as you fell. 

No matter if they snuggled up to you on a chair designed for one.

No matter if one of them made you feel like you leaving the party early would have been truly devastating.

No matter.

“That’s impossible; there’s two of them.” Remus said quickly, causing your heart to ache for Lily.

Who even says that when their girlfriend is sitting right here!?

You kept your head down as the party all ooooh’ed and aawwwweee’d.

James let out a funny high pitched laugh as if he were an over excited kid on Christmas morning. “Guess you’ll have to kiss them both then.” 

You really should have left when you had the chance; you weren’t sure you could watch.

It was their business if they wanted to include another, but that didn’t mean you had to like it.

“Or they can kiss each other; I think I’d enjoy that just as much.” 

“Sounds good to me.” Lily said as she stood; the space she once inhabited felt cold and vacant without her.

“Well? Come on then?” She said as she grabbed your arm.

“What?”

“Come with me.” She said again, wiggling your arm within your grasp, and who were you to deny her, really?

Like a well trained dog you followed her obediently over to where Remus sat before she all but shoved you into his lap.

“You seem like the fidgety type; maybe Rem can help with that, hm?” She said as she shot a wink at Remus over your shoulder.

His arms wrapped possessively around your waist as he rested his chin on the junction between your neck and shoulder.

“Is it okay if she kisses you, pretty girl?”

You had no time to be absolutely horrified at the pathetic little keening sound that escaped your lips as you looked up at the red-head now towering over you.

“What do you say, gorgeous?” And though her emerald eyes did shine with some mischief, you could see she was earnest; this was your choice.

“Okay.” You whispered barely loud enough for you to hear yourself over the hammering of your heart.

“Yeah?” She whispered as she knelt in front of you.

“Yeah.” You agreed.

And you only got to see the soft, hopeful smile that adorned her lips for but a moment before her hands were on either side of your face and she was pressing her soft lips to yours. 

It could have been hours or centuries but it was also all too soon before she was pulling away from you; a proud smile on her lips though her cheeks were a similar colour to her hair.

You became aware of the hooting and hollering going on around you as Remus’ chest began to vibrate in laughter.

“Beautiful.” He murmured - likely more to himself than to you, but you heard it all the same.

“Do I get a turn?!” James shouted before Sirius roughly grabbed him by the waist and planted him down on his lap.

“Not before me, Jamie.” He snickered as he shot you a wink. 

The audacity of a man to still be so confident sitting in nothing but his boxers. 

You tried to hide behind your hands though it was all for naught as Remus made a theatrical cooing sound and pulled you further into his lap until you were all but cradled in his arms.

“Maybe without an audience next time, hm?” He asked you as he brushed some hairs away from your forehead.

Not trusting yourself to speak (or to even make direct eye contact with the bloke currently cuddling you in your lap), you nodded with your face still hidden.

“Way to go babe.” James said as Lily went to join the two boys on their loveseat. “You were so good, we’ll even get a next time!”

#marauders era #marauders au #marauders fanfiction #reader insert #self insert #sirius black #remus lupin #james potter #lily evans #poly!marauders #poly!marauders + lily #poly!marauders fluff #poly!marauders imagine #poly!marauders x reader #poly!marauders x you #poly!marauders + lily x reader #poly!marauders + lily x you #sirius black x reader #sirius black x you #remus lupin x reader #remus lupin x you #james potter x reader #james potter x you #lily evans x you #lily evans x reader #lily evans x fem!reader #ellecdc fics

[cheesysoup-arlo]

Just a Kiss, Right?

Regina helps teach you how to kiss because you like Janis

“Oh my goodness I really like Janis but what if I’m a bad kisser like what if she gives me a chance and-“ your rambling is stopping by Regina putting a finger to your mouth “Y/n calm down, we can just kiss and I’ll tell you how you do” “This isn’t gonna make things weird between us right?” You say cautiously “Y/n, kisses don’t always have to mean you like someone like that, me, Gretch, and Karen practice kissing all the time, I know you like Janis and since you’re my friend I want to help you” Regina says trying to get you to chill out “Well…ok then” you both lean in and kiss it’s nice really nice you both pull away before the kiss can escalate in any way “Wow you’re a really good kisser y/n” Regina says wiping her smeared lipgloss of the bottom of her lip “Oh um thanks” you say blushing a little “um well I’m gonna go thank you so much Regina I really appreciate” you say pulling her in for a hug. “Of course any time, Bye y/n” she says as you leave, Regina calls Gretchen as soon as she hears the front door close down stairs

“Hey G what’s up?” Gretchen answers “Gretchen I have a problem” Regina says a little panicked “Gina what’s the matter? You didn’t kill anybody right?” Gretchen says really concerned do to Regina’s out of character behavior “What? no? I- I think I like…(y/n)” Regina says feeling a little anxious “Oh Gina you can’t like y/n that’s totally against the rules of feminism her and Janis are like practically dating and you just fixed your relationship with Janis you don’t want to ruin it that would be like super bad” Gretchen rambles “I know, can you just come over so I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts thinking about it is stressing me out” Regina says with a sigh “yeah I’ll be over in like 10 ish minutes, k?” Gretchen says grabbing her purse and heading to the door “ok see you soon bye” “bye” Regina hangs up and screams into her pillow “god damn it Regina why are you so stupid” she tells herself

———

‘Oh my god’ you thought ‘I can’t like Regina I like Janis like sooo much shes like the best thing to happen to me…but Regina I don’t know why I’m drawn to her and that kiss definitely meant something to me…what am I going to tell Janis “hey remember your best friend turned enemy turned friend again? Yeah well guess who has a crush on her? Me yup but like also have a crush on you” no that’s dumb’. Your phone buzzed which pulled you out of your thoughts

👾Janis💕: heyyy beautiful I miss you

(Y/N): aw Janis I miss you too

You’re heart was pounding trying to wrap your head around these feelings

———

“Maybe you should talk to Janis about this” Gretchen says earning a shocked look from Regina “look I know you might think it’s a bad idea but I think if you’re honest with her and yourself, you’ll feel better” “Gretch, I mean this in the nicest way possible and you know I’m trying to be nicer but that is a horrible idea” Gretchen sighed “Regina” “ugh fine I’ll talk to her”

Reg👛: hey Janis can we talk

J👾: um sure what’s up? Is this a call or text or in person situation?

Reg👛: um call or in person but if it’s in person you can’t get mad at me

J👾: reg what’s going on?

Reg👛: can you just come over to my house please

Janis was definitely concerned, Regina said please and wants to talk to her. Janis quickly got ready and headed over to Regina’s house on her skateboard

“Ok I’m gonna go call me after you talk to her for a debrief” Gretchen said hugging Regina “I don’t even know what to say” Regina complained “just be honest, you got this Gina” Gretchen says pulling away from the hug “bye Gretch” Regina said with a sigh

———

Shortly after Gretchen left there’s a knock at the front door. Regina heads down stairs and answers it. “Janis, wow you got her fast” “uh yeah hi, what did you want to talk about?” Janis said leaning in her board “oh um right, let um go to my room” Regina said awkwardly, alarming Janis slightly but still following Regina upstairs. The enter Regina’s room and she closes the door. “Ok don’t get mad and don’t freak out, ok?” Regina said hesitantly “ok…?” Janis said confused but wanting to know what Regina has to say “ok so I know (Y/N) likes you and I’m pretty sure you like her too which makes sense but I decided to help her out because she was worried about being a bad kisser and you know I help Gretchen with that all the time but with (Y/N) it felt different my whole body was like tingly in a good way and I think I have a crush on her which is honestly really weird because I haven’t felt like this since- “ Regina paused her rambling and made eye contact with Janis realizing the feelings that she thought were gone flooded back like they never left “since us…?” Janis said “yeah” Regina said softly “so we both like y/n, that’s ok, feelings aren’t something you can control Reg, I’m not mad at you for liking her she’s awesome” Janis said calmly “J I- never mind” Regina said too scared to continue which was weird given her usual confidence “Reg you gotta be completely honest with me for us to work, so what is it talk to me?” Janis said putting a gentle hand on Regina’s knee to show she’s not trying to be threatening “J I think my feelings for you never went away but that doesn’t make sense because how could I like y/n and you, you can only like one person at a time” Regina said starting to be more confused with herself and feelings “that’s actually not true, you can like a lot of people, it’s called being polyamorous, I’m polyamorous” Janis said a little nervous “wait really?” Regina said with a slight head tilt “yeah, also I think I still have feelings for you too which I have definitely been trying to ignore” Janis said looking down at her hands “wait what? Really? Don’t mess with me Janis that’s not funny” Regina said getting defensive “Reg, chill” Janis said putting her hand on Regina’s thigh. Regina’s breath hitched in her throat as she looks down at Janis’ hand then back up at Janis “J, I um” Regina said blushing “oh um sorry I didn’t um” Janis said pulling her hand off of Regina, Regina stopped her and and said “Janis can I um can I kiss you?” Janis nodded starting to lean in for a kiss, Regina connected their lips the same spark Regina felt earlier with y/n was there again but with Janis. They both pulled away “wow” Janis said blushing “you’re good at that” Regina giggled

*buzz* *buzz* Regina’s phone vibrated, it was y/n calling

“It’s y/n” Regina said to Janis “answer it” said Janis “ok” Regina said answering the call

“Hello?” “Hey Gina um can we talk about are um kiss from earlier?” You said worried she be mad about you bringing it up “yeah what’s up?” Regina said “um I think it meant something to me and I’m kind of hoping it meant something to you too? Also I have to be honest I still like Janis so i don’t know I feel really confused” you said freaking out a little “hey y/n” Janis said making you freak out more “JANIS?!?!” “The one and only” you couldn’t see her but you could hear the smirk on her face the way she said it “did you um hear everything I just said?” You said sounding worried “yeah but I also heard Regina have a very similar freak out a few minutes ago so don’t worry” “wait what?” “I like you y/n…and I also like Janis” Regina said “WAIT SO WE ALL LIKE EACH OTHER?” Happy shocked “Yeah” Janis said with a small laugh “um y/n you should come over to my place, Janis is already here and I feel like maybe we should um just like all be together right now you to like figure out what this means for us?” Regina suggested “um yeah absolutely I’ll be there soon” you said putting on your shoes

———

*knock* *knock* “hey y/n” Janis says as she opens the door looking you up and down slowly “h-hi” you said blushing slightly

A/N: does this suck or should I write a part 2?

#mean girls #janis ‘imi’ike #regina george #janis ‘imi’ike x reader #regina george x reader #janis x regina #Regina x Janis x Reader

[strawberryblue-blog]

Disaster. Part 1 —Joao Felix.

summary: You see Joao again after he broke your heart and nothing goes as you expected.

warnings: none. enemy to lovers, exes to lovers, many curses, cute, soft.

words count: +2.3k

#SEXYNOTE: Don't worry, there will be a second part of this and it will come faster than you think. Thanks for waiting, sorry for being late. love y'all 💙

The Uber took you to the place you had indicated when you left home, right outside the restaurant where you were supposed to have dinner. Before entering you took your purse and took out a gloss to put some on your lips, it was just a little gloss to look more appropriate. Even though you had left work an hour ago and after a quick shower and putting on the first thing you found, it wasn't like you were ready for your date.

Yes, a date. A blind date that your best friend had set up for you, which you clearly hadn't asked for but had had to agree to when she was so insistent that you come along.

Camila had taken it upon herself to find the perfect suitor for you, according to her. You had absolutely no idea who this was, you didn't even know if it was true or if it was going to be a joke from your friend. She was very insistent that your partners were invisible because she had never really seen you with one. But you had never done anything official with anyone for a long time, you didn't invest your time in men anymore.

You walked into the fancy restaurant, which you allowed yourself to admire as you closed the door behind you. Your friend had mentioned dressing well and you felt a little offended when she said it, but now you understood. Eating here was probably going to be expensive but you could treat yourself for today and if it all ended badly on the date, you would never come to this place again.

"Hello, excuse me" you called to the receptionist. "The table in the name of Y/LN?" you asked at the girl's kind smile.

"Good evening, your table is table 9" she kindly replied checking on her computer.

You politely thanked her and as you turned to go your way, your legs shook. You were nervous and you were not one to get nervous. But the thought of sitting down to dinner with a complete stranger made you hesitate. However, you plucked up your courage and went on your way, spotting the tables guiding you to find your number.

A man's marked back made you swallow your breath. You were a few steps away from him and when your eyes caught sight of the young man with his back turned, you sighed, calming your nerves. I'll just be a while, eat, chat and then leave. «Be nice» You said in your mind. Above all you were going to be polite, whatever your date, you were going to make a good impression.

You took your last steps, approaching the table and when the boy heard you, he looked up at you.

Oh, no. No way.

"Hello, Y/n" he greeted with a smile.

You, on the other hand, frowned in confusion feeling your legs wobble. Damn it. It couldn't be. This was a dream.

"I'm sorry, I think there's been a mistake" you said trying to pretend you didn't recognize it. Your voice dropped and you looked to your sides in confusion.

But inside you, everything moved. This was not true.

"There isn't" the young man mentioned. "Camila wanted to get us together apparently" came back a chuckle.

Damn it. You couldn't believe it was him sitting there. He looked so changed. He really looked more handsome, more mature, like a real man. But in your mind he was still the young man from a few summers ago, the handsome boy who had been driving you crazy since you were little.

"This has got to be a fucking joke," you sigh in disbelief.

Your friend really is crazy, how could she think she could bring you on a date with Joao? The same guy who had rejected you years ago and broke your heart, you hated him!

"You look great" he announced trying to flirt.

"Not with me, Joao" you warn denying.

You don't know whether to be offended by the situation, whether he had been sent by someone who hated you in this life or what was the reason he was here. But he definitely knew you would be here, while you came here hoping to connect with someone else.

You felt somewhat frustrated by what happened that the hunger or anxiety you felt vanished and the urge to run from the place came over you.

"I-I think I should go" you stammered starting to walk.

"Wait!" you heard him yell but you started running to get out of the place.

Yes, you felt offended, humiliated and weird. How were you supposed to connect with Joao if you guys weren't speaking to each other since that day, you hadn't even thought about seeing him again. You were supposed to move on with your lives and never cross paths again. Had Camila lost her mind? Of course she had. There was no other explanation.

You stood on the sidewalk of the place with your head looking sideways, waiting for a cab to arrive as quickly as possible. Damn it! You'd come here for nothing, now you were hungry and a goddamn craving for Joao!

It was clear that seeing him again had had an effect on you, even more so when he looked as fucking hot as he did. You weren't the same as before, now you were both grown up and you had the strength to face him, but he wasn't going to play with you again.

A sigh escaped your lips as no one seemed to appear in the night. Great, what else could go wrong? You'd already ruined dinner, you'd drive home hungry and embarrassed. There were no cabs around and walking was not an option.

Lights flashed in your view as a car approached you, you sighed gratefully. When it parked in front of you, you bit your lower lip with a grimace. It wasn't a cab or an Uber. It was a damn sports car that was worth more than your entire estate put together. It was Joao's car.

You ignored him as he leaned out the window, averting your eyes to the road praying a cab would show up right now. You weren't going to let him drive you home, you weren't going to let him into your life again.

"Stop acting immature, get in" he indicated after a few minutes.

No one had shown up until then. Not even a damn bus that could take you home. But you couldn't give in.

You turned on your heels and started walking briskly, with your head held high and taking it all in. Getting a little further away was a good option and maybe on the way you would find a cab. Beside you, you could see the car start to approach you, and you pressed your lips together indignantly. Why hadn't he left yet? Wasn't it enough for him to see you running out of the restaurant or to ignore him here?

As you walked, the car's lights still shining on you, you could see out of the corner of your eye how he was getting closer and closer to you. You were starting to get annoyed.

"Get in, Y/n, please" he shouted from inside like a plea. "It's late, let me take you home safe and sound" he said again and you stood up with a start.

You hated it. You had done something wrong in this life for karma to pay you back like this, right where it hurt the most. Of course. It's not easy to forget when a man rejects you in your full youth, much less one you liked very much. And he had hurt you so much.

You sigh cursing and grab the doorknob of the car, opening the door to sit in the seat with a serious little pout on your face. You stare straight ahead at all times, not giving him the pleasure of looking at you even though you know he smiled like he had won the lottery.

"Don't say a word" you point out angrily. Joao nods with a chuckle and sets off.

The silence is overwhelming inside the car and you can feel the nerves stinging on the tips of your toes. Your palms sweat and you don't know what to do. There is no music, no words. There are only sighs and the voice of the geolocator pointing the way to your house.

The tension becomes more and more suffocating, at times you find it hard to breathe and your gaze wanders a little to the boy's place. You swallow as your eyes focus on his muscular thighs and you shift uncomfortably in your seat. Joao notices your tension and turns from time to time to look at you, making it increasingly difficult.

Damn it. Through the window you catch a glimpse of his profile and your heart races at the sight of him looking so calm, when you're a mess inside thanks to him. The heat in your neck makes you swallow your saliva nervously, the trip seems to take forever and you start to get anxious about getting home.

A current of electricity runs down your back when Joao's hand releases the steering wheel and goes to your leg. Your breath hitches and you freeze. His fingers dig into your inner thigh and you stifle a gasp in your throat as he gently caresses you. You want to grab his hand and pull it away but you cannot. He's left you speechless. You don't even recognize yourself right now, but the fire begins to grow inside you and you despair that you can't control it.

You're thankful when you start to recognize the houses in your neighborhood, knowing you're close to home makes you feel a little safe. You need to get out of this car before something else grows inside you.

When his car parks in front of your house, you sigh to fill your sick lungs with air. You haven't breathed easy since his hand caressed you and when his hand is removed from your body, the air rushes back into your system. You open the door, staggering, anxious to get out. You listen as Joao also gets out of the car and you watch him from the corner of your eye circle the car.

On his face is a seductive smile, a smile that makes you think he won. Damn it, you should never have let him bring you home. Or let him touch you. «Great, Y/N, you're an idiot!»

When he's close to you, he's leaning against the side of the hood of his car, his hands in his pockets, staring at you. Your body is on its side, you turn your back to him and it's now that you feel humiliated. You have to thank him, it's the least you can do for driving here but your face falls in shame. You hug your body, giving yourself some reassurance and turn around facing him.

"Thanks for the ride" you say simply.

The distance between you is prudent but you know that doesn't ensure you feel your belly contract as you see him there, licking his lips with his exalted gaze on you. Your eyes tremble as they meet his, you try to look away but you can't help but think how cute they are. Everything about him. Damn it.

"My pleasure, Y/n" he says softly. You nod with a grimace.

You make the feint to turn around but stop yourself. You can't, your body acts on its own. You run up to him and kiss him without saying anything. Even though you took him by surprise, Joao rests his hands on your hips and pulls you to him, kissing your lips. Your tongues dance in rhythm, while your hands are busy caressing his chest. The taste of his mouth is still intact in your memory, recalling your first kiss years ago.

When the images of that night that was so special for you (but nothing special for Joao) come into your head, you quickly pull away from him. Your lips are numb and heavy, your heart pounding and the fire in your chest burning.

It was a nice kiss but that will be all.

You won't see him again, you don't want to see him again. This is just part of your mistake in having gone on the date in the first place. Tomorrow you can forget about it as long as you stay away from Joao.

Just like that, you turn and walk quickly for home, escaping his nets before it's too late.

It's not too late, is it?

#football imagines #imagine #football one shot #fc barcelona #joao felix x reader #joao felix x you #joao felix imagine #joao felix

[2jisungs]

OPPOSITES ATTRACT - CHAP. 1O

SALMA’S NOTES; omg.. another written chapter.. 😱😱

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TAGGING; @mellowdyverse

heejin spent the rest of the day (well, evening) laying down on her bed, patiently waiting for jisung to call back, but, to her dismay, he never did. she never really realized just how much she depended on jisung and how he either makes or breaks her day all the time, but strangely enough, she doesn’t mind as much since it’s him. “god damn, i really am in love with jisung..”

heejin got up and stretched, looking at the clock; 8:09 AM, it read. “i fell asleep? that’s weird..”

she suddenly heard a knock at the door, and hurriedly got up from her bed and headed towards the door. there, on her doormat, was a packet of nerds gummy clusters and a bouquet of roses. heejin smiled and picked up the items, finding a sticky note on the packet of candy. it read; “sorry for not calling u back :(( i got busyy -ji”. she looked up and saw jisung hurrying down the stairs from her peripheral vision. “cute.” she thought to herself.

“man, now i feel bad..” heejin said to herself, trying to find a way to pay him back for the gifts, when she suddenly had an idea. “since we both love jujutsu kaisen, what if i give him some of my merch? i don’t know who his favourite character is though.. i’ll just go ask yuta!”

she knocked on the door right next to hers, yuta quickly opening the door for her. “oh, hey heejin. do you need anything?”

“yea, actually! do you know who jisung’s favourite jujutsu kaisen character is? he sent me some stuff and i want to repay the favour.” she told him, holding up the candy and roses for him to see.

yuta grinned and nodded. “jisung LOVES nanami. he has a whole shrine thing for him in his room. just get him whatever and he’ll appreciate you until the day you die. oh, and by the way, jisung isn’t in his dorm right now, he just went over to jaemin’s to spend the day. johnny’s probably smoking at jisung’s though.”

“thank you so much!” heejin thanked him and ran back into her dorm. she beelined for her room, trying to find something she thought he would like, until she found the perfect thing to give him — a nanami figurine and a funko pop. “he would definetly like this, right?”

she took a plastic bag from her nightstand and shoved the things inside. heejin ran over to the door, quickly slipping on her shoes and heading out, almost forgetting to close the door. “he told me he lives in dorm 5738 once.. so that’s 3 flights of stairs. god, why does DBI have so many dorms? do that many people even live here?”

heejin reluctantly walked all the way up the stairs, finally getting to his dorm room, which was all the way at the end of the hallway, making her feet hurt even more. she knocked on the door, johnny opening it for her.

“oh, it’s jisung’s girlfriend. he isn’t home right now by the way.” he said, obviously high off his mind. his eyes were bloodshot, and he looked like he hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep in forever.

“we’re not dating, first of all. and second, i’m just here for you to put these in his room for him. it’s a gift from me.” heejin told him, handing him the plastic bag.

“not yet.” johnny chuckled, looking in the bag heejin gave him. “oh, is this an addition to the nanami shrine? he’s gonna love this.”

“he doesn’t even like me like that, i can tell.” heejin said, looking down at the floor.

“that’s what you think. he’s liked you since freshman year, back in WPG.” johnny replied. “but that didn’t come from me. oh, and don’t tell anyone i’m smoking in here! i will seriously kill you.”

“hm.. okay, sure. bye now, johnny. say hi to sunyoung for me.” heejin told johnny.

“will do.” he grinned.

#nct #nct dream #nct 127 #nct imagines #nct fluff #nct x reader #nct fanfic #nct yuta #nct mark #nct johnny #nct scenarios #nct smau #nct drabbles #nct u #nct wish #nct jeong jaehyun #nct jung jaehyun #nct jisung #nct jaemin #nct jaehyun #nct social au #nct social media au

[piss-bread]

Yo Danny Fenton he was just 14...

He was 14. He definitely had an unusual relationship with his parents, but not too far out from a normal teen. He's embarrassed by them in public, but he truly loves his family. And they love him, in all his nerdiness and cowardice.

Then the accident happens. His parents (and Jazz) know that something happened, but only his friends know what he went through that day. Even after Jazz finds out, she isn't told exactly what occurred.

Tw under the cut for Death Mentions! It is Danny Phantom, after all.

It's a well-known fact that Danny Fenton is Schrodinger's boy. Both alive and dead. And the fandom sure does put our favorite paradoxical anime boy through some shit, but it's not talked about a whole lot the absolute horror of his death.

We see a recreation of what happened in Memory Blank (Season 2, Ep 1). We've been rewatching some of this show with our mother, and we had her watch this episode. I had told her beforehand that Sam basically went "the boy needs to die" as soon as she realized that Danny didn't have his powers. And surprisingly, after watching the episode, our mom agreed that Sam really should have thought of something else. But anyway, it really cements the fact that going into the portal was Sam's idea. Not Tucker's. Not even Danny's. Sam is absolutely the one who got him killed. Yet Danny doesn't harbor any resentment. In fact, it's shown in the same episode that Danny looks for reassurance from Sam (and Tucker) after getting his powers, quite literally asking if it's cool that he has powers.

Quote from me to my mother:

"Danny walks around a dark portal, and he accidentally turns it on from the inside. He gets electrocuted and basically watches himself die, not knowing what's going on except for that it's bad. He stumbles back out, knowing something is very wrong and passes out. His friends think he's dead, he literally phases through Sam's hands as she tries to pick his body up, and when he does wake up he's faced with the fact he's a ghost. he's been told that all ghosts are evil and dangerous, and now he is one. Yeah sure he must've figured out he could change back pretty quickly, but still."

And something else. Vlad has powers too, but he didn't die for them. He got a bad case of ghost acne and gained powers that way. I feel like if Vlad knew what Danny went through, he'd at the very least have a bit more respect for the boy.

Anyway, I love the characterization of Tucker and Sam. It's shown that Tucker is shallow on the outside, but he truly deeply cares for his friends. Sam is shown to put up walls around other people, to the point her friends know a completely different person than the outside world does. And damn, I wish we could see the two's reaction to the accident in the show. But we'll just go headcanon-ing for this one. In my opinion, Tucker would be the quietest he's ever been. He's shown to cower and close up when bad things happen (when he's actually aware of said things). I think Sam would be the one screaming. I think she'd be screaming and crying and just let her emotional state consume her until her friend wakes up.

That's it for now 👀 count on more text posts in the future tho

#danny phantom #danny fenton #sam manson #tucker foley #vlad plasmius #tw death

[possamble]

What are your headcanons about Marcille's mom if you have any? It's interesting that what drew Donato to her was cause she lived the history he studied, or that was said somewhere at least. She must've had an interesting life.

so this was going to be just a normal answer but then I realized I have a Lot of Things To Say. so here goes, a compilation of what we know for a fact from the canon, what I've extrapolated from the visual cues and details, and my theories based on all of that.

Things we know for a fact about Marcille's mother because they were explicitly stated in the manga and supplemental materials:

She was a court mage for a Tall-man kingdom at the southern part of the Northern Continent

Donato, a court historian, fell in love with her because she had lived through the history he was studying, and he courted her for 17 years (age 15 to 32) before getting married

She was a cheerful person who rarely showed extreme emotion and took things as they came

She always cooked a huge meal for Marcille on her birthdays

She remarried a gnome after Donato's death and a short distance away from Marcille's childhood home

Pipi, Marcille's pet bird, was actually older than Marcille and originally belonged to her mother (bird died at 62)

She was extremely heartbroken when Donato died and ultimately ended up instilling a deep fear of mortality in Marcille with her words

the only time she showed extreme emotion in front of her family was when Donato could no longer eat his favourite dish near the end of his life.

She scolded Marcille for being cruel to ants (implying she can have a stern side when needed)

Things that are explicitly shown but mostly through visual cues

She has a very distinctive style of dress always involving a ribbon choker (mirroring Marcille's habit of always wearing a matching choker with any of her outfits that don't cover her neck)

She was almost stereotypically good at housekeeping and traditionally "wifely" things (very frequently depicted wearing an apron or doing some domestic chore when not at work, seems to have been an avid cook).

She knits? (also, note the affectionate smile as she's looking at Donato and Marcille reading a book together in the full panel)

She was as excited for Marcille's milestones as Donato was.

She didn't tell Marcille much about elven food

(there are a couple things that this panel in particular implies:

She lived a good deal of her life (if not being born and raised) in a mainly elven country in the West, implied by her knowing enough of an elven region's cuisine to prefer Tall-man food over it

seems to have a pretty carefree and casual demeanour overall, if this is how she replied to Marcille asking her about it (sounds like she never gave her culinary preferences that much thought to begin with)

slightly related to number 2, it seems like she and Marcille had a fairly casual parent-child dynamic (especially in comparison to the Toudens' memory of their father)

(local elf tastes Italian food once and never goes back))

However, she seems a lot more... serious in most of the other times we see her? Almost like the very stereotypical archetype of a graceful elf.

Subsequent conclusions about her personality:

Usually pretty carefree and cheerful at home, has been a loving and attentive parent throughout Marcille's childhood (while not being so doting that she didn't discipline Marcille).

Slightly more conjectural theories on her personality:

Had a much more graceful and professional personality at work, which would explain the more serious portraits we see of her.

Given that both she and Donato had positions at the royal court, it seems a little odd that she'd go out of her way to do all the housework herself, so maybe she just enjoyed doing it?

Now taping all the evidence together and toeing the line between analysis and fanfiction:

It's clear that she loved Donato very much and was utterly devastated by losing him. But there's one thing that really stuck out to me in what little we see of her:

Doesn't she seem... angry? The way she's gritting her teeth, clutching the tablecloth, and how this is the first and only time we see her eyes opened that wide. In the following panel, you see her being quiet and dejected after her initial outburst. She's still crying very intensely, but her brows are furrowed, and she's not really responding to Donato's affection in her body language.

We're not told the details of how she felt about losing Donato other than that it upset her. But this, to me, implies that she was angry and resented that he was aging, that the end of his life was approaching. An "it's not fair" type of preemptive grief. And if this was the first and last time she cried like this in front of her family, she was either very good at coping in private... or very bad at letting herself feel unpleasant emotions until they become unavoidable and end up overwhelming her.

It's not too remarkable a detail on the surface. It's even reminiscent of what the audience has seen of Marcille. But... when it comes to the big picture, you'd think an elf who voluntarily chose to marry a tall-man and have a half-elf child would have been better prepared for this.

It kind of recontextualizes her cheerfulness to me.

"I'm sure everything's gonna be okay!" (or some variation thereof, depending on what translation you have).

And this is stated to contrast her extreme grief when finally confronting Donato's failing body and eventual death. But I'm wondering if... maybe this optimism was why she was so upset. What if she went into all of it thinking "everything's gonna be okay"? What if she was a little young by elven standards, and just followed her heart thinking that her own resilience would get her through anything?

Of course, only to get completely overwhelmed when she actually loses Donato. She turns into a completely different person. And that's heartbreaking on its own-- but what the audience sees is the effect it had on Marcille. Can you imagine being her, watching your invincible and upbeat mother suddenly lose all the light in her eyes in one go?

I've already made a huge post about how I think Marcille models her "work persona" off her mother, but another thing that stuck with me as I was looking for more details in the manga was this:

copy pasting from the other post i made about it lmao it's like... the second she resigns herself to lifelong pain and terror, there's another portrait of her mother facing her like this. with their heads bowed, in mirrored body language of resignation and despair and sorrow. Except it's posed like Marcille is still looking at her mother but her mother is looking away.

It took me a second to realize, but I think that it's a visual metaphor for the fact that Marcille's mother was the only long-lived role model she had-- and she failed to model healthy grief for her daughter. I don't say this as an accusation or to disparage her as a character, but just as a matter of fact. In her, Marcille was seeing herself older and losing a short-lived spouse or loved one of her own, and all she saw was hopelessness.

But her mother didn't mean to instill hopelessness and terror in her. She wasn't really thinking of how it would truly affect Marcille at all (at least, that's how I'm interpreting her looking down and away from Marcille in the metaphor), she was just sad. And she, in her own way, was trying to protect her daughter and help her prepare for future losses.

What she meant was "loss is inevitable, and you have to learn how to be in pain but live on anyway." What Marcille heard was "loss is inevitable, and you will be scared and hurt for the rest of your life."

Again. Marcille's mother doesn't feature explicitly in the story the way her father does -- but in so many ways, her shadow, her silhouette, her reflection is always hanging over Marcille.

All that to say... headcanon-wise (everything from here on is 100% without evidence lmao), I'd like to think that she matured and realized that she failed Marcille. I imagine her being regretful about it, wanting a chance to fix it but never finding a way to insert herself back into Marcille's life when Marcille is so so so busy becoming the most accomplished mage possible. I imagine her being herself again, now, so many years after her loss and after remarrying -- but with her cheerfulness tempered with a lot more wisdom and the pain of having gone through loss like that. I think the second Marcille actually tells her what happened in the dungeon, she'd want to go running to her daughter again -- if Marcille tells her the full truth instead of just being embarrassed she let things get that far. (oh, the tragedy of her wanting to be more like her mother and an accomplished adult who doesn't need to be babied... being embarrassed to actually tell her mother how much she fucked up...)

There's also the tension of her having remarried -- I know that there's at least a little bit of resentment that Marcille harbours about that, because she's childish like that at heart even if she makes an effort not to externalize it. I think that her mother would be aware of that, potentially adding to her sense of guilt and apprehension at trying to reappear/intrude on Marcille's life. I honestly don't think Marcille has met her stepfather -- or even considers him a stepfather rather than "mama's new husband" and kind of a total stranger. I think she and her mother actively don't talk about it in their correspondence, like an elephant in the room.

but, ultimately, I think her mother is on her side no matter what. Ancient magic? Dark necromancy? Sure, she'll feel guilty and like she was partially responsible for setting Marcille down such a painful path, but she wouldn't care. that's her daughter!! she would've moved back west and been petitioning for her at the court, buying a house right next to the Canaries barracks and visiting her every day that she wasn't on a mission. And if her husband had opinions on Marcille becoming a "dark arts user," he either gets over it or it's divorce with him. Yes, she might have had her optimism completely humbled by losing Donato like that -- but she's still headstrong and self-assured and she doesn't care what people think of her. It's her way or the highway and she's always going to be in Marcille's corner.

(She also needs a name lol. I went with Juno, just to be cute about "Marcille"s closest real life equivalent being Marcella, which is the female version of Marcellus, which in turn is a diminutive of Marcus, which was derived from Mars. Absolutely in love with Marcille potentially being named after Ares/Mars the fucking god of war btw)

#asks #she could easily be interpreted as distant or neglectful after Donato's death too #with how little involvement she has in Marcille's life/the fact that Marcille doesn't even mention her when talking about her life prospect #and that's fair! I will argue to hell and back that she was a loving parent when Donato was alive #but there's nothing that suggests she remained a loving parent afterwards #I just think that like... parental relationships are so complicated in dungeon meshi #you cannot deny that the toudens' mother loved them dearly but that she failed them both miserably as a parent #and i think it'd be more compelling if Marcille's mother was a little like that too #not a totally and easily dismissable deadbeat #but someone who truly loves her daughter but was only human herself and couldn't be what Marcille needed at a crucial moment #and regrets it deeply #and that the distance between them is mutually self-imposed by complicated feelings of guilt and fear #and a little resentment from Marcille's side that she hasn't really properly processed #I don't know if I'll ever get around to writing it but i had this idea where Marcille does finally spill the beans to her mom and she just #immediately arrives in Melini #and its awkward for a bit but they do finally have a heart to heart and air it all out #and marcille starts freaking out that her marriage is rocky rn bc her new husband wants her to distance herself from marcille #on account of the crimes and all #marcille's like no you can't blow up your marriage for me and her mother just shuts that shit down #'you didn't choose to be born. i was the one who made that choice for you' #'i brought you into this world and i'll be damned if i don't take responsibility for that the entire way' #'you are entitled to *nothing less* than my unconditional love.' #and obviously that's not a sentiment that's exactly healthy as a universal statement about parenthood #but i think its what her mother would believe and what marcille needs to hear #and dungeon meshi does such a fantastic job at just... letting imperfect things just *be* without having to justify it immediately #it expects the audience to do their own critical thinking #and know that its not trying to make sweeping universal statements in every instance #marcilleposting #marcille donato

[theotherrichardpapen]

letter to his father - franz kafka // origin story, sink - desiree dallagiacomo // the autobiography of my mother - jamaica kincaid // caged: memoirs of a cage-fighting poet - cameron conaway

#you know you're in trouble when the painting of saturn devouring his son by francisco de goya almost makes it on here 🤡 #like minds #murderous intent #like minds 2006 #alex forbes #sad to admit i have been neglecting my (other) boy in my content lately #most of the time alex only really features in posts that are about him and nigel together #and if every there was a subject i'd be making a post about for alex it would ofc be about him and his daddy issues #i think it's because strangely enough nigel is easier to get a handle on in terms of character introspection #but that's probably down to the fact that regardless of whether you believe the narrative alex gives about who nigel was #we at least DO get a more solidly constructed idea of his character (yes even if it is the version of him put forth by alex #designed to paint himself as the victim) #alex on the other hand? gohd damn walking rorschach pattern ink blot test of a character #like *holding him up by the scruff of his neck* what does this character look like #you could have interpretations for this guy out the wazoo and it'll probably be wildly different from the person standing next to you #but one think i can say with certainty is this guy has a complicated relationship with his father #i don't think he hates him. but i do think there's a lot of resentment there too #that quote from ladybird where she asks her mother if she likes her and the mother says of course she loves her #and ladybird asks but do you like me? and the mother just responds that she wants whats best for her #to which ladybird says what if this is the best version of me #or something #that's them #to me at least #i suppose that's why alex was as drawn to nigel as he was #yes nigel was also spouting on about predetermined destinies foretold by fate and whatnot #but the fundamental difference is that nigel leaves all the power to achieve that in alex's hands #the only thing he ever really asks of him is for alex to embrace his inner most desires. no matter how dark or twisted they may be #alex's father is there telling him that a better version of himself exists if only alex could live up to expectations #nigel is there telling him that a better version of himself exists if only alex could forgo expectations of himself entirely #if that makes sense 🤡

[salsa-di-pomodoro]

If lady sneasler went back home with Ingo i think eventually she would want to try battling with him. I mean it looks fun, everyone tells her it's a good bonding moment for both trainer and Pokémon and it's a golden opportunity to show off, why not? Who's going to stop her, the pearl clan?

Ingo takes a bit of convincing, out of respect for both her and the traditions of the pearl clan, but he relents eventually. He can't deny he's been wanting to do this as well. After a bit of training they have the time of their life destroying people's (read: Emmet, the elite four, other Frontier Brains and generally just other strong trainers (sorry i didn't include Elesa. I love her very much but she is not on their level methinks 😔. Id love to be proven wrong tho)) teams, with a mix of Ingo's old and new team and her as the ace for once in unregulated matches. (Turns out, noble Pokémon naturally have insane stats and therefore cannot partecipate in league matches or official battles. Ingo has to nerf sneasler/the rest of his team or use less Pokémon as a result, but he loves the challenge. He's thrilled when people defeat him.)

(Emmet takes this as a challenge. As long as his Pokémon are on board, he's building his way up to defeating Ingo when they're not holding back. He gets scarily close every time.)

I ran out of space in the tags but blankshippers dni pls. Let's stay in our respective lanes and not interact

#ive been feeling good today!!! good enough to think this up :) #also who else thinks ingo would get some kind of certification for lady sneasler to show that while she might live with him #and be in his pokeball and his team occasionally she is still not his pokemon. kinda like meowth from team rocket #shes there because she wants to beyond just being his Pokémon. do you understand me #anyway yeah there has to be some kind of certification for sorta emancipated (?) Pokémon. do you mean to tell me #that pokemon who have been proven to be more intelligent than humans sometimes are not allowed to just partecipate in society #with their own pokeball in their own hands. paws. whatever #maintagging this feel free to tell me ideas about this. do not send me angst i will explode <3 (serious) #subway boss ingo #warden ingo #ingo and emmet #ingo #emmet #subway boss emmet #lady sneasler #sneasler #btw yeah my headcanon is she absolutely does come back with him shes not losing the only people who actually treat her like a normal person #she might love throwing her title around but damn she'd love if they stopped walking on eggshells around her #she ran put of patience when she met ingo basically lmao #yes this is based on that one post where they say this exact thing. i really like that post #don't know if i should tag elesa or anyone else. there is something going on with her i know it in my soul but idk what it is. #shes very excited about this whole thing whether or not she can safely fight sneasler though. yeah sure ill tag her why not #also once more headcanon time i think pokemon from hisui need to go through training to not absolutely maul modern day pokemon #not because theyre stronger or anything. a modern pokemon could absolutely maul you to death. its just that theyre more used to #self restraint for the human's sake. and therefore would not fight as viciously and may get hurt #Ingo already kinda did this in hisui (and still kicked everyones ass. man they may have been getting better but they were still mostly bad #at battling. he could trust that theyd get even better tho) #anyway but yeah he has to do it again with sneasler and the alphas. #theyre too used to having to kick ass or die and theyre also Stupidly Strong #submas

[skyburger]

"fnaf is the scariest game ever" "no its silent hill" "well i think its resident evil" everyone shut up!!!!!! youre all wrong. its actually zack & wiki quest for barbaros' treasure (on the nintendo wii) but only the level "keeper of the ice". that level scared me so bad as a kid and you can tell because its the only individual level i remember the name of off the top of my head. like there is nothing scarier than a) being chased and b) being on a time limit. and you know what this level has? BOTH OF THOSE. this level is still scary to me im like AHHHHH!!!! and then i die

#i had to google horror games after i thought really hard for silent hill and fnaf #because like. resident evil is just not a horror game in my mind... its just cool zombie game... #to be fair though. the only one i actually played a portion of was re6 which is probably the least scary one in the whole series #anyway do the kids still find silent hill and fnaf scary. i dont know. #well the former id say yes given how prevalent ps1 horror has been in recent years #fnaf i have no idea. im a massive wuss so its scary when i play it for myself #but watching someone else play them especially when i know them well isnt scary #and ive watched fnaf videos for YEARS #so i dont know. (old man voice) these damn kids... back in my day we watched markiplier scream at freddy fazbear and we LIKED it! #anyway its objectively a horror game and thata literally fine thats all i needed for this post #MY POINT HERE. my point here #IS THAT HIT ZACK AND WIKI LEVEL KEEPER OF THE ICE. IS SOOOOO SCARY #its not that scary but i see tjat level and im like 3 years old making my mom play this level for me again #and for the record yes me and my sister really did make our mom help us with z&w #she remembers helping us with frost breath the most because we like did notttttt get that one at all #and she could never remember how to do the mirrors based on what combination of stands is there (because tjeres like a few variations) #so she always had to look up a guide 😭😭 #my poor mother on fucking gamefaqs or something in like 2010... legends only #anyway if you have no idea what level im talking about (any of my oomfs reading this that isnt end) (hi end) PLEASE look up this level #and i need you to think of like a 5(?) year old making her mom play this game. #this aforementioned child is still a massive wuss as an adult btw. some things never change #anyway watch that level and think about how someone like me. whos already a scaredy cat! #imagine how someone like me felt at age 5 possibly younger playing this level #I WISH I COULD LIKE CONVEY EMOTIONS OVER TUMBLR. why cant i attach a .emotion file to this post #anyway ramble over <- hes said that like a million times today #scariest level in a game ever...!!!!! FUCK that keeper of the ice bitch im GLAD he died #muffin mumbles

[anotherpapercut]

sometimes I feel like there's a narrative on here that like. people who work and live not with their parents in their 20s are somehow privileged and its really annoying as someone with 0 family and 0 built in support system lol

#this has nothing to do with the previous post i was just reminded of some unrelated posts I've seen #like i get what people mean but i really dont consider it a privilege to have to graduate at 16 and immediately start working to pay rent #causing a severe worsening of ny physical and mental state so that i can afford to eat #and i would just like to say for the record that id never judge someone for living with their parents because im so envious lmao #just like. of the idea of having parents that would take care of you. ive always been so fascinated by that #because my sister got married at 19 to get out of the house and then depended on her husband bc she also has trouble #working due to disability. were both physically and mentally disabled so we have that in common lol #and then she had to contend with becoming entirely dependent on a man who then had incredible power over her #and now theyre divorced and she has to try to figure out how to do all this stiff at 33 that our mother never taught us #and that ive figured out on my own over the past 7 years. and i just think damn i wish we had family lol #like maybe if we even had 1 relative who cared enough to like. check in with us even?? let alone help #thats always just seemed really incredible to me. and ill never really be able to wrap my head around it

[skrunksthatwunk]

found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?

#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now #sigh.. i dont know. i dont know. #at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him #no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow? #it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my #best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker. #i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time. #but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh #he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him. #im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to #say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more? #just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am #and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him #and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him. #she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on. #she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken #but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him #and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not #like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him? #so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her #and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all #the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess #like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea. #but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.

[thebleedingeffect]

.

#okay I'm talking in the tags of this post cause shit is happening in my life and I gotta talk about it somewhere #one part of it is my step brother crashing and burning before my very eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop his own destructive actions #so it's just me watching this poor kid ruin his relationships and blame everything and everyone around him as he does so #despite the fact that he's undeniably been treated horribly at times- he's just turned that anger back onto others and himself #and I have no idea what to feel as I watch him get arrested. have drug problems. because I'm just waiting for the inevitable spiral #it doesn't help that my mom has been comparing us and saying that I'm the much better child and she wishes he was like me #not understanding that I could’ve been him if I was just more angry at the world at that age instead of being so sad and scared #and that leads me to my fucking mom cause like- I love her. we've been through alot of bad shit with her #I've almost done some really bad shit for her and I know that she loves me more than anything else #but it feels like its been getting more and more suffocating cause I'm not sure she's able to start seeing me as an adult #and start loosening her grip around me and let me breathe. to have my own experiences without her by my side #to be able to go places and imagine a future without her constantly by my side #she talks and it's like she doesn't even think to wonder that perhaps I want to form my own experiences #and experience the world on my own terms because I feel like I've spent my whole life having so little damn control #religious family. shit and neglectful father who turned into the exact opposite and nearly killed me. family who refuses to listen and talk #having to move and run immediately. put survival above all else. go to school. get out. and god I just wanna breathe #she loves me so much and I love her too. but I feel like I'll be sooner crushed if I stick here for long enough #I'm just mad that my life has been nothing but absolutely no love. sudden waves of intense love. absolutely nothing. sudden spike #and I feel like I'm just finally starting to form good. healthy relationships on my own terms and actually make friends #because I had no idea what I was doing when I was a kid cause I was so fucking lonely and hurting #now I just. gotta figure out how to tell my mom that I can't carry this expectation that I'll continue to stay forever by her side #it just feels like I'm her child first and a person second. and it sucks. it really sucks. #ough. spins and spins and spins and spins-

[choropilled]

oh hold on hold on im having crazy thoughts now

#txt #YUI actually i think choro and yui would not get along at forsy #choro would have heard of sakura 7 but not really understand what they are #so she's mixed on the idea of a girl biker gang bc shes like isnt that a bit much for girls.... #but also intrigued #yui wouldn't like her at first bc of that #but i think she'd still be nice to her during trials bc shes that kind of person #and theres a decent number of japanese speakers in the campfire so its kind of cool #choro would probably be interested by adam and yoichi too but #very shocked by yoichi bc shed be like Youre the kid from ringu?! #wnd he'd be like The huh? #it would take a while for choro to be comfy with most other survivors but #I think she'd eventually be pk #Ash would annoy her but then she'd end up remembering oso and kara and probably get kind of upset #i think yun-jin wouldn't like her at all #juet by vibes alone but i know damn well choros not telling people Her fog backstory #Anyways i think jake wpuld freak her out #Only bc he's like silent beast. who has pica. #and he'd probably just stare at her when she gets awkward and theyn they both ruin the conversation

[hecksupremechips]

Listen I don’t really care about this play anymore and I haven’t interacted with it in ages but in Be More Chill I think Jeremy and Christine were good together and I won’t STAND for everyone in that fandom trying to convince me otherwise!!!!!

#the klock keeps ticking #ive. held onto this for a long time 👉👈 #and i may be biased cuz christine was the only character i gave a shit about BUT #i stand by my opinion #i think it was refreshing too cuz in a lot of teen trash stories your generic guy protagonist has a crush on a girl #and shes pretty much always the generic popular girl or his generic childhood friend girl #but bmc was like ‘yeah so this guy is in love with this theater girl whos just really fucking weird and has autism swag’ #which i adore we need more of that shit #and like i know WHY ppl hated them together because ppl hate female characters #especially ones that get in the way of THE SHIP BETWEEN TWO MALE CHARACTERS UWAAAAA #i was always of the opinion that michael was gay and he could do better than jeremy #like damn maybe a guy can be gay and single but ppl dont actually want gay characters #they want ships to fawn over #and then the Feminist™️ fans were like ‘i dont hate christine owo heres art of her being SUPPORTIVE of the REAL PAIRING the BOYS’ #‘i headcanon her as pansexual so see im not misogynistic see i ship her with a female character she didnt even interact with see!!!’ #‘im totally not doing this cuz i cant stand the idea that this harmless female character stands in the way of the male characters i woobify’ #which hnnghh all this can segue into a rant i have about musical fans knowing nothing about the source material and therefore being sooo #incorrect in their interpretation of the shows they claim to enjoy #because i know none of these hoes gave a single fuck about anything that happened in this fucking teen trash play i KNOW they didnt #but aaaaaa later #anyways i dont stand for christine slander shes all i have left in this cruel world 😤😤😤

[unproduciblesmackdown]

just a like medley smoothie of jared-centered / deh thoughts

haunted by this post i saw the other day just going like “um if you’re too non confrontational stop thinking it’s b/c you’re so nice & kind, actually it’s an Issue & sounds like Someone needs to work on themselves” like first of all i think if the conclusion of your post is just “have you considered your individual responsibility??” re: anything connected to you know, the concept of mental health, yes, i think people have, & just leaving it at that is like okay not sure how that’s even theoretically helpful for the non confrontational masses who might be wondering how to do that (although great to not make up Advice just based on guesses / vibes ig. forever recall some incredible post of yore telling everyone if they had interpersonal issues that Could hurt people they just needed to isolate themselves until they were past all that...) like well i guess it helps the op celebrate their clear-eyed perspective here

anyways of course another part of it is like uh i’m sure it Could apply to Some people but do you think any & everyone who might be like, non confrontational, which is a vague concept there, has that quality b/c they are like “this is really nice of me” lol vs that people are Aware they’re like hindered in some realm here / the idea that the behavior will be received Positively isn’t in a “what a polite young man” expecting way....i.e. like pretty sure it’s more broadly relevant that Other People who are observing someone being nonconfrontational who might go “wow guess they’re just Too Nice” or whatever lol which yeah not a helpful perspective to see Anything abt what’s going on with anyone else merely in terms of whether it is convenient or inconvenient to you & read into (your idea of their) motivations & react to them accordingly, such as that people might end up “nonconfrontational” b/c of other ppl’s negative treatment first and foremost, not b/c they’re primarily chasing being seen as like this extra kind person all the time

clearly the transition to deh there was like, well, just like the interpretation of evan’s anxiety as being you know, not something Unhelpful to him & to his relationships, not something defensive / counterproductive to vulnerability & connection for him, it’s actually just that he’s obviously cinnamon roll too good too pure & thus too nice or kind to not be nobly putting everyone’s feelings before his own, is totally what’s happening here, plus he thinks sex drugs language & violence is all shocking & too much for him or whatever. 

it’s always funny b/c like i swear jared is the character who avoids confrontation / conflict the hardest, given that he does it with everyone, including evan, while evan is more willing to confront(tm) and/or hold his ground with jared than jared is back at him, but this is like, a Secret Fact & instead idk there he goes getting interpreted as someone who’s always pushing evan around b/c jared must be overly confrontational since he doesn’t seem Too Nice/Kind or anything

i mean of course it’s like F for not only flattening the characters to be paper thin but also inaccurately so lol like ah jared seems Rude to me on the surface vs evan seeming Nervous so time to just make those their One defining trait & go wild extrapolating their internality from that, evan must be too damn soft to be so anxious, jared must be callous to malicious to be so mean; vs that like, when they’re being more spontaneous / earnest, evan can be a fun rude little guy & jared can be hesitant / [fear]......like what’s next, alana Just either living for homework & overachieving b/c she’s a nerd who is fueled by it &/or a killjoy goody two shoes & all in all like, incapable of reflection / questioning anything & there’s only [self-righteousness] in there like....yeah that is probably next

like you know interpret anything however but it’s always wild with fan stuff like, so this is character appreciation motivated And working with the theme-relevant concept of like, what if these similar characters could Connect, how could that happen for them.......bit limiting & disappointing when it’s like “why are not only the characters really flat & imo inaccurate but also those ways in which they could all have a better time are not only Still imo inaccurate by extension of the weird characterization but also like, really flat and ‘here’s the one thing everyone Should Do to fix this other person, and not only that, but they absolutely just Can and Do all consistently do that thing so we can speedrun the end to problems-having’” like yeah it’d be a whole Story / more involved & ongoing thing to explore more involved & ongoing ways that people connecting / realizing helpful things about themselves & each other could go down, but it’s then one thing to go “ok a premise of this story is that they’re all already friends” and another to like, bother to go “and then evan just needs someone to go ‘there there’ as he curls into an armadillo ball & shivers for half an hour at least once a day, that’s litchrelly it” type of stuff like. are these the conclusions here lmao

naturally what with like the huge focus on connor / him Living in many explorations out here it’s like. good for him but my god lmfao sure can be pertinent to “why are we treating jared’s character like this even if “””””sympathetic””””” towards him” when they’re so often juxtaposed and like. we barely know who connor is so a shit ton of room for interpretation but i hardly think he’s things like the “i need to keep my friend stoned 24/7 otherwise he kills people” or that he’s Just Misunderstood(tm) & sure he’s this mysterious grumpy loner but Actually that’s b/c he’s the Visionary out here who’s keeping it real & doesn’t give a fuck in a righteous way that’s so perfectly helpful to say, evan, wherein he can be like “oh it was a misunderstanding & you’ve been nice to me for two days? i’ll keep jared from shoving you over & taking your lunch money forever” where suddenly connor’s whole like. outward aggression defense mechanism is now like “well if he had a weed & evan’s there to calm him down he can just be Firm & Insistent & Truth Telling actually, & jared will either fuck off forever b/c he Doesn’t Deserve Evan or else will go ‘damn connor’s right i guess :/ sowwy’” like. this is useless lmao

& i mean i’m mostly [shruggg] towards connor’s character in general personally but it sure seems like, as with All the teens here, it’s a shame to go like oh yeah you gotta tamp down his Issues / make them something else & then also determine that One nice friendship or soulmate romance with a nice boy who he can channel all his angry energy into Protecting in a beautiful soft/edgy(tm) dynamic? well that’s what can fix him.......like oh you gotta go ahead and Tone Connor Down to explore what-ifs about him not dying, & he has to have found his high school soulmate also. like yeah sure it’s a way more daunting task that ppl might not exactly feel they can explore like “how could canon connor start having a better time & more of a handle on things” but that’s....allegedly what everyone’s exploring anyways lol, so. anyways to bring it back to jared specifically & how it’s like “time to juxtapose him with connor” it’s also Something if/when jared’s the one who’s now like seen as Blatantly Out Of Line all the time whereas connor, by contrast, is like oh actually i’m minding my own business at least & not lashing out ever especially in loud / violent ways as canon demonstrates has Been a pattern, i’m chill now & stoned so i won’t kill, & that’s upping everyone’s (evan’s) standards so any & everyone can be like “damn jared, constantly being an asshole much” & jared can be like =( how do i get your approval............which is also funny re: any characters who just sagely point out jared as being Too Mean when like. do you think any of these people are even all gonna just Say That even if they think it. are characters now just gonna go around declaring to each other what their problem is, as they so totally do in canon. and do we think that having some hypothetical Problem declared to them by some peer is gonna make anyone go “oh they’re just so right, i guess.” like if we have a notion that jared going “stop throwing printers” wouldn’t be that constructive for connor, don’t think connor being like “you are coming across rudely” (actually that would be more measured & potentially helpful lol) “stop being an asshole to me on purpose obv” (which is not necessarily obv, from jared’s theoretical perspective) may not be likewise constructive re: jared never coming across as rude/hostile again. to take it back to the top like connor is more prone to Creating confrontations due to wrongly interpreting other’s perspectives/motivations, & to react to it super defensively & with like, the threat of / displays of physical violence, vs that jared as i argue & am right about is the most avoidant of confrontation in the first place, even with evan who definitely isn’t throwing shit at him with that broken arm, and jared Specifically remembers things like connor throwing printers as reasons evan should be worried about what connor might get up to. and even if jared wasn’t worried abt the tendency towards violent outbursts from a specific guy, i don’t think that jared being booed & pelted with tomatoes enough is really what he’d need to realize he has to be “nicer” either

like first of all it’s not established that jared Doesn’t expect shit he says to be taken as Just Jokes at least sometimes, as he claims to connor, like, handier for diluting them to “evan’s bully / evil bf” to “evan’s champion / soulmate” if jared’s just lying & Was after connor’s lunch money &/or to crush his soul but like. again that’s just one interpretation, & a convenient one, & how far is jared getting menacing everyone when he starts trying to pull back / recover the exchange simply b/c connor is going :l about it, and only gets more like “uh....fuck you” to bail on the exchange entirely rather than idk that apparently being his goal From The Start, so kind of implies he didn’t expect to get just this strong negative reaction in the first place....second of all, looking at this same [one canon interaction observed between jared & connor] i’m like why’s there this like fanon thing also where it’s not quite “connor either pwns jared away forever or at least does it so hard he Repents & Reforms to become worthy enough" but the bit of like, oh see the Main Problem of jared & connor's dynamic would be that they’d always be arguing / bickering, probably too much in earnest / too insultingly or whatever.....like if they were Both bickering regularly that’d probably be the Conclusion of like “actually we understand each other better / are secure in this dynamic” b/c jared’s gonna want to avoid provoking connor if that’s what Actually keeps happening b/c he comes off as rude & connor’s own issues exacerbate that, & other side of the coin being that connor can only keep blowing up at jared if he both interprets everything jared does w/as much hostility/antagonism read into jared’s intentions as possible & reacts to this by you know, blowing up or at least being threatening when jared knows he can & does do the [throw printer] types of reactions. whereas if jared can needle him on purpose b/c he knows that Won’t happen And connor can know the needling is a version of connecting with him / a friendly gesture actually, then that kind of exchange would be like, well that’s great then, vs like oh we need evan the mediator / peacekeeper to be like “noooo the violence, stop you guys ;m;” or what have you lmao

which you know. part of it can be And Is [jared doesn’t know how he’s coming across / doesn’t know that some element of “i am rude on purpose” might be a bigger deal to someone else than he means/expects], but none of that’s unilateral, nobody knows how they’re coming across exactly b/c a) who can, ever, & in all cases and b) they’re all like seventeen & struggling & the fact that their own survival is taking up so much priority / seems to require these defensive strategies is kind of like, impeding their Flexibility re: dropping some of that defensiveness when they feel they need it as much or more than ever....like as though i’m ever gonna be like “yeah the only thing that’s happening here, or the only thing that Matters about it, is that jared’s misinterpreting how his communication / connection efforts are coming across, and it Does Not Matter whether other people are in turn Misunderstanding jared / failing to communicate with Him on His Terms at all, All that matters is that jared learn how to immediately & superficially & with universal success Come Across As Nice” like hello i’m autistic are you kidding lmfao. sure have jared navigating these specific relationships he has, like that connor as an individual he knows & ever interacts with may be Especially inflexible with joshing, or be made aware of xyz factors he hasn’t learned abt already b/c again they’re all like seventeen & figuring it out re each other & themselves & everyone in general, but are you kidding if like jared just has to be put up on a podium & booed & roasted by everyone he encounters b/c they think he’s Being Too Rude, & this experience is what’s necessary to teach him to act right & finally deserve relationships / be liked by anyone. no lmao....and turn to canon where we Know evan understands what jared’s Really communicating / what his actual motivations are beyond what jared’s theoretically saying, even as jared is getting more outright antagonistic on purpose over act two and evan’s like “eh i know he wants to provoke me into an exchange abt something else but also i’m avoiding everything rn so i’ll ignore that too”....like obviously None of their approaches are like the key to their success lol but it cannot be unilateral, these interactions / dynamics / relationships can’t be unilateral.....at least not if you’re intending for these things to be like theoretically constructive / helpful for everyone involved lol. and jared like has his own tendency to just get more upset & run away lol like he would not stick around and marinate in things like “oh evan should just bravely insult him a few times” or “or connor does that” like it’s not a case of like oh, see, if you just strip jared of his bravado enough times you will chasten him into being nicer. like, that’s his defense strategy lol he’ll be freaked out & flee the situation, he wants positive attention like anyone else, he’s not just like, fueled by [say a meme] or Only saying rude shit “unfiltered” like, yes he could exercise some more discretion based on Having More Information / Knowledge he doesn’t now, but he’s trying to be perceived as funny more than trying to wrest the lunch money away from everyone (or Only b/c he’s covering up a crush / covering up not being straight either lol, see also the “really, is the only way you can conceive to interpret jared’s [discussing that shit can be gay] is ‘ah, homophobia’” post lol) like, cue the point of like Society If Evan Just Earnestly Laughed At Something Jared Said Ever llsdfj or you know, simply see Sincerely, Me, where jared’s just trying to get more attention from evan & is having a great time / being more straightforwardly cooperative once he does

and like another sidenote re: the fleeing is just like. idk funny if the idea re: a theoretical jared & connor dynamic is that any Impasse would be because of some change jared has to make whereas it’s like. probably neither of them would exactly seek each other out but jared is Just Some Asshole to connor whereas connor is Guy I Know Is Especially Volatile & Will Throw A Printer & I Hate Confrontation More Than Any Character We See to jared, like, think jared would bail / refuse to interact w/connor more so than the other way around, while connor’s out there thinking that evan is also Just Some Asshole but willing to put himself out there like hey well sorry about that anyways. and like in all of this, the whole [this character has a tendency to get violently angry] factor is one that’s gonna become most urgent if an issue arises that might make it relevant. not like people Necessarily go “wow zoe’s Mean i guess” b/c she doesn’t wanna deal with connor much at all. i mean, they do, i know they do lol. but.

anyways lot of addressing this juxtaposition here lol but yeah it’s like. “funny” when an idea is like oh jared just needs to have people consistently Reject & possibly punish his Being Mean & then he’ll have to choose to Be Nice. like none of the characters need that approach lol, who does, ever. then there’s the fact jared’s the most nonconfrontational (& apparently that means he thinks he’s being so nice....lol. it also does not mean that, actually, same as it doesn’t mean that for evan) & it’s Something to presume that like oh some harsh truth intervention Confrontation would really be the guidance he needs. & further Something to decide connor is like the mvp of realness around here to allow evan to be Soft & call jared’s rudeness bluff, but when connor does Blunt Honesty Call It Like I See It it’s good actually, or at least deserved. anyhow clearly this is “jared is a Relevant Connection with a peer who knows & loves him that evan could start actively pursuing / discovering along with jared if he chose to do so after realizing the potential there, & this is thematically relevant so Why evan just has to connect with his mom & be abstractly dateable to his ex & we call it a day, i don’t know” Central & “connor is a deh character to me, certainly” lol but like the Concept of jared & connor having a more successful dynamic would certainly be Fraught in a potentially compelling way but that’s b/c they’d Both have the hardest time getting along, between jared’s “tends to say things that come across ruder / harsher than he intends” and connor’s “tends to interpret things ruder / more hostile than intended” clashing & that jared will then bail entirely over confrontation vs connor escalating it, potentially into violent behavior....like they would both have Needed to get more of a handle on their own things / have more options/flexibility they reliably partake in &/or specifically better understand how the other operates to feel they have more control over their interactions, which can be of potential interest/relevance certainly when it’s like “hm how could these characters connect constructively w/each other” exploration time but. instead the notion that evan just Hasn’t told jared He’s Rude b/c evan is himself simply Too Nice (he’s not) or Too Nonconfrontational (maybe, and there’s sure too much of that Between the both of them rn, but jared’s still the More nonconfrontational one) but if connor steps onto the scene he can be tough & reveal The Truth that jared is simply too rude & jared Must go “smh :/ ya got me i guess” & become worthy or die

anyways it all gets away from me as zillion word text posts do but it’s like. boy i love when it feels like solid characterization with any depth is happening and when people get that jared and Anyone in theory, certainly him and evan, can one on one learn to connect more successfully w/each other, and it’s not going to be unilateral / where one person has to admit they were entirely in the wrong or that they may as well take on all the wrongness / mistakes / failures between them to keep it simple. like we don’t need to keep it That simple, which feels like enough of a tl;dr / conclusion here lmao

#connor coming up a lot lol but sort of abstractly. & to go ''why would he be like this / why would material ft him like this work'' #i don't think i Know what his character would be like b/c who does for sure b/c that's part of the point of what we get in canon but #i can go ''well it wouldn't go like this'' lmao. why should it #always going like Lmao at the idea of connor as like well he can get a bit grumpy / sulky but then if you have a nice chat with him #he will reliably cheer up; this being if you're evan of course (nvm that alana would get along w/him most easily i'm sure & has apparently #most of an actual positive history there even if she Is mostly just acquaintances w/everyone) like. that's more jared you realize lol #he's getting irritable & resentful throughout act two but damn if he isn't gonna still try to invite evan to hang out one day please.... #deh #a categorial / organizational tag for one's own references but it occurs to me there's the broader tag ppl use i guess... #not like that's a problem necessarily lol like. any and all these scrolls nailed to the doors #and really in the spirit of things: #kleinsen #it's pretty much the inherent framework any & all my posts mentioning jared will be in...

[seilon]

pretty sure I’ve been hypomanic the last week or so and I’m not sure what to do about it

#weird to be hypomanic and extremely self isolating and avoidant of addresssing important things at the same time but here we are #i have no idea what fucking amalgamation of mental illnesses and whatever else is going on with me lately but it sure is alot #there is something very wrong with me and at this point i cant pinpoint it to any one thing it’s just. i think. a handful of things #that uhhh don’t work well together that’s for sure #i feel like I should maybe look up some stuff on comorbid bipolar II and autism cause that’s probably the best way to describe the totality #of whats going on with me #whatever it is it’s wrong there is something very very wrong with me #i need a therapist badly but guess what??? whatever’s fucking wrong with me has made me avoid looking at my email for like a week for no #god damn reason and I haven’t been able to make myself do anything important and applicable to myself in the Real World #again for literally no fuckign reason and it’s just making things progressively worse cause they stack up and ssome of those things can/will #piss off my mom who I also want to avoid but I can’t because if I don’t pick up the phone the second time she calls she will call my #roommate and threaten to call the police basically #so #that’s where I’m at #this is the first time I’ve ever ghosted literally everyone before though. that’s new. really funny how that works. self isolation is #probably driving me literally insane but for whatever reason my brain says Aha what if you distanced yourself even more? even from people #you don’t see in real life? what if you put all your effort and thoughts into one topic and obsess over it for god knows how long to the #extent of not wanting to do anything else basically but shit related to that special interest or whatever it is #it’s so funny that I’ve literally not hung out with friends at all in real life nor made any new friends irl this entire year #like literally. literally I do not have friends. that’s so wild cause I’ve been saying this for literally months and it never changes #anyway I’m probably gonnna go back to frantically writing notes on this one topic and neglecting all communication and responsibilities #so. yeah #kibumblabs #I need serious help. i wish I had people around me who cared enough to make me get it #i wish I didn’t have to do literally everything myself #my ‘bf’ (if you can call him that. i doubt it at this point for several reasons) hasn’t spoken to me nor I to him in I don’t even know how l #long now and my radio silence on discord and texts doesn’t seem to matter to him. i could be dead for all he knows lol #he doesn’t care he has other people now. #no one else I know irl reaches out and if they did I’d probably not answer for no reason. i guess because I love sabotaging myself #it’s great. I’m great.