#and i dont want to spill my guts on tumblr dot com

[mercyluvsyouuu]

I doubt she remembers this but one time my mom was grabbing something from the bathroom and my cat was sitting in the windowsill of said bathroom. I was in my bedroom which is close by to the bathroom and I heard her say "it's a big world out there, isn't it kitty?" And. I have no idea why but that stuck with me. I have so many moments like this

Another time my brother and I were sitting next to each other on a plane. I had gathered up the courage to show him my poetry and I was so worried about him disliking it I forgot about the message of what I even wrote. I anxiously asked him if he thought it was good and he only shrugged at me. "It's not a matter of whether or not I like it. It's yours, and you had enough pride in it to show me how you feel. If you were to tell someone how you were feeling, you wouldn't ask if they /liked/ how you felt, would you?" Or something along those lines. It stuck with me. He does stuff like that a lot without even realizing it

Another time I was sitting outside of the house I used to live in (Which was a trailer park), and one of my neighbors who I knew quite well came up to me and stood next to me for a second. He then looked down at me and said "you have the eyes of someone special. Please don't let anyone take that away from you. You are yours to keep" and even if he was high out of his mind when he said that (he was known to smoke pot which, I had no problem with) it still stays with me

In that same trailer park I had even more neighbors, a sweet old couple. I used to have a pet lizard and I helped the old lady get over her fear of them. That same lady taught me how fo crochet and let me show her gravity falls. The man would tell me stories about his youth and the band he was in. I always heard him playing drums since he lived right next to me and, he even tried to teach me how. I didn't get very far but it's not because he was a bad teacher. I will always always remember them

Everything I've ever written or done is all for them, really

#mercy talks #my writing #poetry #i guess #this is actually shit that has happened btw 😭 i feel weird clarifying but i just didnt want ppl to think this was something i wrote from #the perspective of a character or something #nope #this is my life #pls share any memories like these if you have any. theyre so small but they mean so much to me #oh oops heres me spilling my guts out again on tumblr dot com. to whoever reads this please carry this part of me with you forever #even if you dont know me or if you dont even care all that much. hold onto this and hold it gently

[machinecreature]

something i should tell a therapist (that i dont have) but am instead telling tumblr dot com: my dad races late models, he’s always loved racing, racing has been a constant in my life since before i was born, but as soon as i could make my own decisions i distanced myself from it because i was one of those kids who constantly felt the need to be different and go against the grain. now i’m just like... no, this is cool, i like racing, i like my heritage, i am not the Cosmopolitan™️ i pretended to be in my teen years. i moved to the racing heaven of north carolina and i would love nothing more for my dad to come visit and go to the nascar hall of fame with me. or some shit equivalent. his season is over but i regret not going to a single race the past year.

communication has always been weird with us bc we’re both super quiet and big ol’ nerds. for all intents and purposes i got socialized like a dude aka never talking about my feelings ever. but i know i need to open up to him soon because time is ticking - i just mean that, like, you never know how much time you’ll have. he has to come down soon to transfer the title of my car to me and i’m sure within all that weirdness i’ll just blab out everything. i don’t want to have any regrets and i want to spill my guts to him so bad but spilling my guts to him is also the scariest thing ever. i think that’s probably a sign that it needs to be done. 

he literally worked his butt off to buy me a car. he won races to buy me a car. the car that got me to north carolina that i drive every day. and i just feel like i haven’t acknowledged that or thanked him enough. i don’t know.. it’s such a weird relationship in that there is so much left unsaid and i don’t want it to continue to be unsaid bc life is so precious, you know.