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#and i blame anxiety and my brain's hyperactivity for that
obaewankenope · 1 year
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"WELCOME TO HELL."
A loud, booming voice bellows across the flaming planes of despair and misery that make up, well, Hell. Maybe if I'd been born a medieval peasant or, I don't know, suitably Christian, I'd probably have been more concerned with the literal reality of Hell but, honestly, I'm a millennial. I focus on weird shit to the exclusion of all else because hey, that's more sane than watching the news and seeing the 21st century being the end-of-humanity century via war, climate change, and ecological destruction the likes of which humanity has never before known! Cheery things to focus on, not.
Anyway; loud, booming voice bellowing a greeting to the newly dead and Judged™ (I guess) me.
"Who got the job to welcome new souls to Hell and didn't think to be original with it?" I asked out loud because sometimes internal thoughts become external sentences that my brain and I do not agree on and thus happen without my informed consent.
ADHD is... Something and even dead, I've still got it apparently. Kind of feels like a problem for everyone else really. I'm used to my brand of chaos. Double RIP to the souls that aren't.
"Or did they get the job like millenia ago and got real bored trying to be original every time a soul showed up? Or is the voice automated? It's probably automated. Everything is nowadays." I rolled my eyes. "Good luck finding an actual human to talk to before the automated voice lists twelve million options and gives you way more advice and 'warnings' than you need to hear with anxiety and a hyperactive mind."
I rant, I admit that. I've already ranted. Rambled. Digressed along a seventeen year path. Waxed lyrical about Parisian sewers, so to speak. It's just what I do. ADHD brain, as we say.
Now, I don't think I did anything wrong, personally, but apparently ranting when you get dropped off to Hell and let your inner thoughts become a slew of outer words is... Grounds for direct intervention.
No, I don't know why, and no, I'm also not going to ask why. I'm banned from having contact with The Devil™ for eternity. There's an actual court document stating it. Yeah, the afterlife has a court system, I know.
Anyway, direct intervention.
"CEASE YOUR PRATTLE!"
Big, booming voice on The Devil™. A mix between very loud choral music and a heavy metal rock band concert that's figured out how to make their entire set louder than human ears can safely hear. And they're pretty close to that limit normally.
"Uh, okay," I slowly said in response to the very loud demand from a literal Fallen Angel because, well, you kind of would, wouldn't you. Except I'm not normal. Like I said, I'm a millennial and we've never been known to stay quiet when we probably should.
I blame the internet.
"But seriously, it's a valid question," I continued after a moment where The Devil™ probably thought I was cowed or terrified or something. Jokes on them, I have no self-preservation instincts to speak of and have literally not reacted to almost being ran over before.
Which... Might be how I died, actually. Hmm. Something to think about!
"Just, this is meant to be the place for damned souls and all that jazz, you'd expect the initial experience to really set up the whole thing to be more... Well, more impressive than a loud voice shouting 'Welcome to Hell'," I kept going because, again, I have the self-preservation instincts of a mantaree.
I may have done a little dramatic voice change for the 'welcome to hell' bit of my sentence but that's not really important to this story .The Devil™ wasn't impressed by it though.
"YOU ARE TRAPPED IN HELL, CAST OUT AND JUDGED BY GOD—" a lot of vitriol on that word there "—AND WILL FOREVER BE DENIED PARADISE AND YOUR FOCUS IS NOT ON YOUR SUFFERING BUT ON THE GREETING YOU RECEIVE WHEN YOU ENTER THIS PLACE?"
Okay, so, I don't think The Devil™ can sound confused the way we humans do, honestly I don't, but at the moment The Devil™ definitely sounded pretty confused to me.
"Well, yeah," I replied. I'm still confused about how The Devil™ didn't seem to understand my perspective here but, well, I can rant like the best of them and I'm very good at it when I need to explain something. "It's the principle of the matter really. You've got the whole damned-ness going on; the fire and the brimstone and the vibes are very despair-y. That's all great! Top marks there. But," I pause to make that sound where you pull air in through your teeth to sort of hiss but not hiss. You know what I mean.
"The voice isn't intimidating, it doesn't really give you anything when you show up confused or whatever. It's just loud and not even demonic or anything. Honestly, it sounds like how a greetings sign to some random town feels. Kind of just... There. It's a bit underwhelming." I paused. "A lot underwhelming."
Maybe it was the way I talked or how fast I am when I speak aloud but The Devil™ seemed more bothered by my critique than by me actually not being scared of them. Which, well, I figure us millennials can't be the only ones who focus on weird shit when there's more 'reasonable' stuff to focus on at times. Kind of figures The Devil™ would do the same. Though, in The Devil's™ defense, I guess their entire getup inspires fear and terror so they just take it as their due, so to speak.
"YOU DARE INSULT MY DOMAIN!!"
Where The Devil™ got that from, I don't know but I was not there for it. At all.
"I AM THE RULER AND ABSOLUTE OF THIS DOMAIN AND I SHALL-"
"Woah, wait a minute, I'm not insulting your domain! I'm giving a critique that you asked for tacitly by asking me so don't forget about that!"
I cut The Devil™ off mid-sentence. I literally cut The Devil™ off because, honestly, listen, I've survived a lot of shit online in my life. I have had enough of being accused of insulting something or someone when I've been giving an actual critique or criticism that was constructive. If I didn't take it off BootLickerTrumpLover99 then I sure as hell wasn't going to take it off The Devil™.
Even if The Devil™ could reduce me to metaphysical mulch.
"Like, it feels superfluous to have that voice when, I don't know, a sign would work just as well. And even if you wanted to keep the voice greeting, which, yeah works for anyone with a visual impairment, it's not creepy or demon-y or even scary sounding. It's just generic." I looked up at The Devil™ then and maybe they realised I wasn't being an ass or something. Like, honestly I wasn't. I actually really was kind of invested in this now.
Mainly because they sort of offended me by thinking I was insulting their greeting voice without at least having some constructive criticism for them.
"AND WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST?" The Devil™, the actual fucking Devil, asked me and they didn't even sound pissed.
I literally got asked my opinion by The OG Fallen Angel. This is probably why I ended up in Hell. For this reason alone. Or because I may have caused some uh… Questionable things to occur in my lifetime.
I hummed in thought, tapping my chin because I thought it'd look cool. It probably didn't. "Well, I guess you could change the pitch of the voice if you want to keep that particular greeting so it's less corporate American mall and more... The batteries have run down but the speakers are still working enough to transmit so enjoy the distortion and the accompanying nightmares it'll give you. That would work better," I said and the Devil™ actually nodded at me.
Nodded!
"You could change it to something more childish sounding complete with giggle or laughter or something equally disconcerting because of the dissonance of a child's voice announcing that you're in Hell; that'd get some people good, I think," I continued, really in the swing of it now because this, this is my jam really.
Belting out ideas whether they be for cursed fics, crack pairs or the kind of voice you could use to welcome people to Hell, it doesn't matter the context, I am very good at thinking things.
"I guess a really distorted, demonic sounding—like you hear in movies and stuff all the time because hey, being original is something Hollywood is allergic to I swear—that could work too. I don't know if it'd work for everyone or if they'd not be able to make out what was said." I blinked. "Though, that might scare some people more if it's on a loop and they have to listen to it over and over to figure out it's welcoming them to Hell. Oh, that'd be kind of evil actually." I looked at The Devil™ sort of delighted with myself for that little realisation.
"REPETITION DOES TEND TO TERRIFY MORTALS MORE THAN SINGULAR OCCURENCES, YES." The Devil™ actually agreed with me.
"Yeah, it's because our brains are wired for pattern recognition. When something is just not normal to our perception but we listen or watch it over and over, we notice the discrepancies more and more until they're all we can see and they freak us the fuck out," I explained because, well, this is also my wheelhouse.
I have a lot of jams and wheelhouses, okay.
"YOU HAVE GIVEN ME MUCH TO CONSIDER," The Devil™ said in what was probably the closest to a conversational tone they could manage. It still sounded like it'd obliterate my eardrums if I wasn't a metaphysical representation of my human form and was made of flesh and bone still.
"Oh, you're welcome then," I said because, well, what else are you meant to say to that? "If you ever want to throw some ideas or things to critique my way I'm—"
I got cut off then by a very, very loud sound that was sort of like a thousand echoes all sounding at the same time and also an orchestra and choir at full volume. It was really loud, okay, and I definitely blanked for a second or two on the metaphysical plane of existence because of it.
"RELEASE THE SOUL YOU TOOK BEFORE ITS TIME OR YOU SHALL BE CAST FURTHER FROM WHERE YOU ALREADY FELL!"
I don't know if you've ever seen The Devil™, you probably haven't, but they had that look a toddler does when they've been naughty and got caught at the last second. You know the look? Yeah, you know it. Well, that's the expression The Devil™ had on their huge form that was vaguely humanoid.
Actually, thinking about it, they probably only looked humanoid to me because I perceived them that way. Huh, that's something to think about again at 3am.
Back to that loud voice and what clearly seemed to be a kid caught being naughty.
Most people, most sane people, probably would have stayed silent there but well, we've already established I am not most people.
"Uh, what's happening right now and does it really require violence to resolve?" I asked because, well, you gotta ask that really. "Because I really don't think violence is the answer, unless it is the answer in which case can I please vacate the area before the fighting because I am definitely out-classed here?"
"COME AWAY MORTAL, YOU DO NOT BELONG IN THIS PLACE!" That very loud, clearly not The Devil™ voice said to me and, okay, I'm not stupid but I can be slow on the uptake sometimes.
Besides, no one is stupid. That's ableist as fuck and I'm not here for that.
"Wait, I thought I died? And got judged, or whatever it is that happens to assign souls where they belong or whatever," I said because I'd kind of assumed that. Though, I didn't actually remember any Judgement™ happening.
"YOU WERE STOLEN BEFORE YOU COULD BE JUDGED MORTALS FOR THE FALLEN ANGEL KNEW WELL YOU DID NOT BELONG IN THEIR REALM OF DESPAIR!"
"THEY BELONG HERE MORE THAN THEY DO IN HEAVEN!" The Devil™ argued back with the… Angel, I guess. "ALREADY THEY SPEAK OF THE SUFFERING OF OTHERS WITH GLEE!"
"Hey hey hey, we don't kinkshame okay!" I blurted out and definitely got Looks for that. Fair. "You can enjoy something just fine but if you actively use what you enjoy to hurt others without their consent, then you're an asshole. Having ideas is not the same as acting on those ideas!"
"THE MORTAL SPEAKS TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT FALLEN, LET THEM LEAVE!"
I never knew The Devil™ could look sad but, well, they kind of looked sad at that order. Rebellious but that's expected of the literal first rebel ever to rebel. Sad though…
"Hey, it's not like you can't still ask my opinion on stuff, or for some concrit, you know," I said to The Devil™ trying to literally cheer up The Devil™. Yeah, I actually did that.
"THE FALLEN WILL HAVE NO CONTACT WITH YOU MORTALS FOR THEY DO NOT BELONG IN ANY PLACE THAT HAS THE LIGHT OF THE CREATOR IN IT!"
"Isn't there a Skype or, I don't know, Spiritual MSN or something to at least send a message though?" You'd think there would be something like that in the afterlife.
Apparently not though.
"NO."
I looked at The Devil™ and, honestly, I felt pretty bad. I hadn't been judged yet so maybe I'd end up back in Hell anyway but just up and disappearing, possibly forever, when The Devil™ seemed to actually enjoy someone having some constructive criticism for them… I'll admit, I'm a sucker for that. Blame my Livejournal and Ff.net days for that.
"Well, what if I just don't go then?" I asked, "you said I'm not judged yet so why don't I just judge myself, say I belong in Hell and then we all just go on our way like nothing happened?"
"HELL IS FOR THOSE WHO DESERVE PUNISHMENT, MORTAL!" The Angel reminded me like I didn't know that already.
I might have been a shitty Catholic but I still got raised on that stuff, I know what Hell is for.
And purgatory.
"It's also for a variety of people who didn't really do anything wrong but got the short end of the religious diatribe anyway," I pointed out. The Devil™ looked strangely delighted with me. "Unless Dante was wrong about the structure of Hell in his Comedies."
"HE WAS NOT," The Devil™ helpfully added.
"ENOUGH!" The Angel bellowed. "YOU WILL COME WITH ME MORTAL, NOW!"
Okay, so, bit of advice for you. Never, I repeat, never tell someone with ADHD to do something. If you're lucky, they'll grumble and do it but, usually, you're not lucky. Because most people with ADHD also have this thing where they get really oppositional to commands. It's called Oppositional Defiance Disorder. And, well, guess what I have?
"No."
"NO!"
"NO?"
"No." I repeated. "You don't get to tell me what to do just because you're all big and Angelic and stuff."
Now, I never knew this but The Devil™ is actually capable of the exact same shit-eating-grin you read about in stories and see on TV that is absolutely the grin someone has when chaos is happening and they are here for it.
"YOU CANNOT REFUSE!"
"I just did," I retorted. "And since Free Will is a thing, you can't make me."
Now, apparently a single Angel can't, so I'm right there. And Free Will is also a thing, so another right there. But…
Well, Free Will can be superseded by The Creator if and when they feel like it. And, apparently, death can be overruled too by The Creator when you're being stubborn.
"THEN THE CREATOR SHALL TAKE YOU MORTAL, FOR YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE!"
"Consent is sexy and I am not okay with this!" I exclaimed.
"GOODBYE MORTAL," The Devil™ said to me and in the next moment, I was here.
So yeah, that's how I've ended up alive again, and yeah, I'll take a straw with my drink, thanks.
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cringelordofchaos · 6 months
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welcome. I like your shoelaces.
And Your Rat's Eggs. •
Salutations, earthlings (or non-earthlings)! I don't know what you're doing here but beware for you are coming in for a ride! The only problem is the driver never went through a single driving lesson so don't blame me if we crash!
Beware, as this blog may include many depictions and discussions of unreality, swearing, death, trauma, ableism, racism, and more. At times I forget to tag these potentially triggering topics.
Yes, I had indeed attempted to make an introductory post! It heavily pains me to write this all, given my distinguished and embarrassing personality, but on this boat we strive to not care! Cringe culture is dead and I'm coming for your pancreas and brain tissue if you so dare to disagree.
So, without further ado!
x DNI x
if you're a bigot in any way (queerphobic, n@zi, racist, sexist, ableist, generally discriminatory, etc etc)
also this isn't really a dni criteria but pls don't behave inappropriately when interacting with me, keep it at a joke level maximum, I value my comfort over your pleasure
x NICKNAMES x
I am fine with anything you so dare to call me, be it a regular name or a homophobic slur. I quite frankly don't give a shit. However, nicknames I most prefer amount to DOMINO, TOKI and GOBLIN !!
x MY POSITION IN THE ALPHABET SOUP x
I am fine with any pronouns, though in terms of preferences I do gravitate towards they/them more than anything else. Everything else is irrelevant, but I am queer, and I don't think I make it subtle (?).
- https://en.pronouns.page/@CringeLordOfChao - my pronouns page
x FANDOMS/INTERESTS/GENERAL FAVES x
(I'm not as into some of these fandoms as I am in others, for example i barely know crap about Moomintroll I only sometimes watch some scenes of it on yt as a comfort show and I still listed it here, you can ask me about specific fandoms and how much I'm into them)(bold text = obsessed/into it enough to the point of being capable of infodumping about it/having a decent amount of opinions on it/having a conversation about it) (nvm idek anymore just ask me if I'm interested in it or not atm)
Video games: Skyrim, OMORI, BAD END THEATER, her tears were my light, Adventures with Anxiety!, Sonic The Hedgehog (general), Parappa The Rapper, Parappa The Rapper 2, Um Jammer Lammy, Minecraft, MineCraft StoryMode, Duolingo, Pokémon (general), Pizza Tower, Amanda The Adventurer, Cuphead, Word Trip, UNDERTALE. Tomadachi Life, ROBLOX,
Roblox games: Flicker, my eyes deceive, Adopt Me!, Royale High, Sonic Pulse RP, Horse Valley, Rate My Avatar, Speed Run 4, copyrighted artists, Pyrite Adventure, Wolves Life, Total Roblox Drama, Murder Island 2, Sonic World Adventure,
Neurodivergence (such as, but not limited to): Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Bipolar Personality Disorder (BPD), Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FASD), Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD), Down Syndrome, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), etc etc
Animated series: The Music Freaks, hfjONE, The Owl House, Amphibia, Sonic Prime, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Parappa The Rapper, Sonic X, AVM Shorts, The Loud House, The Casagrandes, Legend of Korra, Pokémon, Total Drama (Island/general), Willcraft's Monster School, LEGO Ninjago, Spirit Riding Free, Moomintroll (2017), DuckTales (2017), My Little Pony; Friendship is Magic, The Cuphead Show, Sonic Boom, The Amazing World Of Gumball, Kipo And The Age Of Wonderbeasts,
Non-animated shows: Stranger Things, Umbrella Academy, Dark, Only Fools And Horses, The Modern Family, Sesame Street,
Comics: Sonic The Hedgehog (IDW)
Animated movies: Sonic The Hedgehog (1996)/Sonic OVA, The Last Guest, Nimona, The Lego Movie, Equestria Girls (all parts), Moana,
Non-animated movies: Sonic The Hedgehog + Sonic The Hedgehog 2 [i guess, I feel obliged to like it since I'm a sonic fan], Avatar, Alpha,
Webcomics (all available on WEBTOON!): Blooming Season, The Last Dimension, Unfamiliar, Jackson's Diary, North Korean Kid, Heartstopper, Is chair still in the park?, Ghost Eyes, Meow Are You?, The Recloseted Lesbian, War and Tea, Hyperfocus, Erma, Emmy The robot, Post Harbor, Spellward Bound, The Little Trashmaid, Of Aliens And Cacti, MAX has AUTISM, Hollow Kid, Aurora Borealis, Always Human, Will There Be A Tomorrow? (H), High Class Homos, Everything Is Fine, Home Sweet Ghost, Notumare, Heartstopper,
Books: The Name Of This Book Is Secret (all 5 parts), Hobbit, Ana, Teo, Warrior Cats (general),
Music creators: Radiohead, Rex Orange County, Laufey, bo en, Jack Stauber, Jay Vincent, Kaden Mackay, Olivia Rodrigo, if I was 9 again the only person on this list would be Alan Walker (I don't care about his music anymore), Pink Floyd, liana flores, Your Favorite Martian,
Gacha Stories: Boy With Bad Luck, Girl With Good Luck, The Music Freaks episodes 1-11, Shy Family, Shy Family PART 2, Lesbian Liar part 1-5, A Walking Disaster, Fated Sisters, A Beautiful Tragedy, The Mute Tomboy, literally anything made by Hxnnah rlly,
Favorite YouTubers: Flamingo, RosyClozy, TheOdd1sOut, Illymation, Hxnnah, [Brii Studios UwU], Cypopps, Emzii, NerdyArty, Marikyuun, ExtraRosy, WowzaDawg, foster on the spectrum, Behind The Meme, LilyTrescot SMP, JaidenAnimations, Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, Ice Cream Sandwich, How To ADHD, LesbianMindflayer,
Favorite Tumblr blogs (not including mutuals srry xx): @/oneeyedleaf, @/nerdyarty, @/tmf-confessions (technically a mutual), @/i-say-ok, @/sonicshipbattles, @/uncharismatic-fauna, @/official-boob-posts, @/identifying-horses-in-posts, @/sonicthehedgehog, @/inthetags, @/notumare (tech a mutual), @/your-blorbos-are-queer, @/the-owl-house-takes, @/incognitopolls, @/my-autism-adhd-blog. @/hot-take-tournament, @/haveyouseenthismovie-poll, @/aita-blorbos, @/oc-aita, @/jagged--dust-jacket-analysis (also tech a mutual), @/hero-deserves-to-be-happy, @/just-a-blog-for-polls, @/thistmfcharacteris, @/sonicapproves, @/lordystrange, @/aphantimes, @/neurotypical-sonic, @/fishyfishyfishtimes. @/adhd-sonic-the-hedgehog, @/obelisart, @/queeradhdcultureis, @/pd-culture-is, @/content-free, @/starscatteredsky, @/hero-deserves-to-be-happy,
Miscellaneous: zoology, drawing, using Picrew, ninjas, goblins, parallels in writing (this obsession is eating me alive I swear I'll literally analyze my events as if they're fictional and I'll draw parallels between them and my favorite fandoms/past events pls send help), daydreaming, dust, media analysis, character analysis, calculators, singing, mushrooms, weirdcore, goblincore, sociology, vocabulary, MBTI,
Languages (both real and fictional)(I only actually know some of these)(still learning): ninjargon, dovahzul, spanish, japanese, serbian, english, na'vi,
Things I'm planning to get into : Zoology, crocheting, Terraria, The Lego Movie: The Sequel, The Wilds, Warrior Cats, crafting, Nimona (comic), Notumare, The Mechanisms, Dark, Inscryption, The Adventure Zone, DELTARUNE, Teen Wolf, Solitaire, Sonic X, Good Omens, Voltron, The Amazing Digital Circus, Steven Universe, Oblivion, Star Vs The Forces Of Evil, MineCraft StoryMode, Percy Jackson, the pink corruption,
My own stories/Fanfiction plots: ghost!SUNNY AU (OMORI), Mob Academy (Minecraft fanfic), Carla and Silvia, omori!Hanahaki AU (OMORI), Flicker fanfic, HOLLOW HEART, (feel free to ask about any of these!!!)
Things I plan to get into again: MLP;FiM, Ninjago,
x KIN/FAV CHAR LIST x
(bold text = absolute fave!!)
TMF - Jake Sterling, Millicent Brooks, Drew, Lia, Sean Everett, Daisy,
ST - William Byers, Eleven/Jane Hopper/Byers, Jonathan Byers, Robin Buckley, Joyce Byers, Lucas Sinclair, Dustin Henderson, Kali Prasad,
PTR - Jammer Lammy, Parappa The Rapper, Katy Kat
STH - Sonic The Hedgehog, Miles Tails Prower The Fox, Mimic The Octopus, Whisper The Wolf, Sticks The Jungle Badger, Amy Rose The Echidna-Rascal (personal hc),
TOH - Luz Noceda, Agustus Porter, Edalyn Clawthorne, King Clawthorne, Lilith Clawthorne, Philip Whittebane/Belos (do not excuse his actions whatsoever), Enzo Gabriel The Collector
Amphibia - Marcy Wu, Sprig Planters
OMORI - KEL/KELSEY, OMORI, SUNNY, MARI, THE MAVERICK/MIKHAEL, PESSI, CAPT. SPACEBOY,
SS - SpongeBob SquarePants
Minecraft - Creeper, The Ender Dragon, Herobrine, Enderman, Wolf, Fox, The Wither
RBLX Flicker - Eduardo, Rita, Mikah, Amethyst, Adora, Amani
TMNT - Michelangelo!!
TLH - Luna Loud, Lincoln Loud, Lenni Loud, Lucy Loud, Clyde ??
TD(I) - Noah, Izzy, Dawn, Ezekiel
Ninjago - Jay Walker, Nya, Zane Julien, Akita,
WEBTOON TLD - Alex Hill, Phillip Maxwell, Anne Marie De Delle
x SHIP LIST x
[character] x no one = I like the interpertation of said character being aroace/just not dating anyone in general. (Bold text)= otp
OMORI - suntan, sunflower, heromari, goldrush, sunburn, photobomb, KEL x no one, herobowen, etc
STH - blazamy, whispangle, sonknux, sonadow, sonic x no one, kittails, amy x no one, stickmy, sticknux (but in a very specific modern sth way), sticks x no one, sonjet, shadisper, etc
TMF - ooo boy... milliot, jailey, hailia, drake, laisy, saisy, dailia, dadie, jaisy, jenry, drew x no one, drakailey, henriam, ladie/salia, platonic draisy, platonic henria, more xx
PTR - sunny x no one, parappa x matt, parappa x pj berri, parappa x no one, etc
Ninjago - lava, plasma, techno, jaya, bruise, opposite, pixane, glacier, harumya (?), lloyd x no one, cole x no one, nya x no one, qp mud, etc
TD - noco, gwourtney, nowen, breoff, bfffls, dizzy,
WEBTOON TLD - alex x phillip, anne x
x ANIMALS I LIKE x (few are fictional) •
virgin island's dwarf gecko, blobfish, horses, roosters, unicorns, wolves, anglerfish, immortal jellyfish, lion mane's jellyfish, okapis, rats, reek stonefish, doves, pigeons, vultures, cats, echidnas, frogs, star nosed moles, naked mole rats, moths (they seek the light which only further strays them away from life, the truth), spiders, rock doves, blue jaya tongue skinks, australian ghostsharks, aye-ayes, goblin sharks, dragons, whatever the fuck atla's momo is, lemurs, squirrels, flying squirrels, capybaras, OMG I JUST FOUND OUT FLYING LEMURS ACTUALLY EXIST THEYRE CALLED colugos, gerenuks, jabirus, jaguarundis, japanese spider crabs, jerboas, pangolins, potoos, thorny devils, snakes, black cats, vampire squids, northern stargazer,
x TAGS x
ghost!sunny au, >:], to do list, omori!hanahaki au, important, urgent, rb, asks, animalsss, others art, others writing, vent? like among us?, I am not funny, byliner, house design inspo, minecraft fanfic inspo, mari appreciation 💜, sean appreciation, fictional birthday, music, rb, tickposting, mari wheelchair au, serbian shit, carla and silvia, my oc, my ocs, my story, mob academy, hollow heart, 🎩🕊️, 🎩🕊️ • ❓, my polls, polls, 🎩🕊️ • ✉️, 🎩🕊️ • 📜, 🎩🕊️ • 🪬, 🐀🥚, me on anon, freakblr colour war, hailey hair controversy, freakblr colour war 2, freakblr colour war ii, mecoded, cringe confession of the day, gay screenshot collection, my top posts,flicker webseries preparations, hyper-cis, freakblr lore, my mom watches tmf, into the rosyverse, background-chan,
x TAGS FOR FANDOMS x (aka fandom acronyms) •
omori, tmf, st, go, ptr, sth, avm shorts, atla, rblx, amphibia, yfm, etc (if a franchise has 2 words or more when I reblog posts about that franchise the fandom tags I'll use for them will be exclusively the acronyms even if it isn't most preferred)
<°•×•°>
9.1,13.19,15,18,18,25°
My life will end incomplete! ~~××
(I'll try updating this later)
(this is like the tenth time doing this, I'm only capable of making intro posts in ONE RUN I guess, I am in pain, sjkdcie)
xxOTHER NOTES:
I occasionally post pretty angsty, overwhelmingly negative, and at times violently suggestive vent content here. If you do not like that, please filter the tag #vent? like among us?
I might have depression and/or adhd so that's probably gonna mess up my life and social interactions ummm (I'm a sensitive individual so please don't be too harsh)
I sometimes draw, don't expect it to look good though. You can request any prompt !!
My Roblox accounts are FinVanzahDovahKiin and stejsi_079 !!
My DeviantArt account is Unoriginal Creator !!
Even though I had formerly stated that this blog may contain triggering themes (even though I can't quite recall much triggering posts/reblogs I have on here??) this blog is mostly silly, it's just me being me
I have a lot of TMF mutuals, we have a lot of inside jokes that may not make any form of sense to outsiders
Even though I had also stated I have my own fanfiction ideas I like, I have not written any of them down and God knows when I will.
I need to spend less time on the internet for the sake of my health
My YouTube account is [InsertUnoriginalNameHere] !! (I've deleted 90% of my former content. Also most of my videos on there are like 2 years because I stopped posting after my parents found out it existed)
I have an alt account @freakblr-lore !! Studying the lore of tmf but mostly the subculture of freakblr
I also have a tmf Sean Everett rp/ask blog called @mr-broom !
I ALSO have a tmf Daisy rp/ask blog called @x-daisy-x !
There's also another one @hailey-i-guess
Another one @xjaded-sadiex
I'm disappointed in myself. I made an rp/ask blog for an entirely irrelevant background character. What the fuck. @background-bg-chan
IM PLANNING TO MAKE A ROBLOX FLICKER WEBSERIES!!! Posts related to it will be tagged "flicker webseries preparations".
There's an Elliot one now too!! @xx0blooming-orchid0xx
@sussy-albertaretz-core my fan blog for the Roblox YouTuber flamingo
please ask me anything about any of my interests
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multiwreckedmess · 1 year
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My comfort daydream from when I was high as balls on my flight. Loosely based on a post on reddit i read. Very loosely.
A short (okay maybe not short it's like 2k words) Ateez imagine. SFW/pure comfort but my blog is generally 18+
THIS IS FICTION. FIIIIICTION. I don't know if ateez even FLY first class let's be real! I don't even know how first class works!
CW: Flight anxiety. Alcohol use. OTC-drug use? otherwise it's just comfort.
When you smiled and ordered a long island iced tea at 11am the airport barstaff knew exactly who you were. It was an easy read, from your tense lips to your freshly bleeding cuticles.
An anxious fly-er.
At one point in time flying was easy for you. A carefree fun experience. You don't quite remember when that changed. Just like you don't remember when you went from being the extroverted hyperactive child to the fretful quiet one.
Jello theory, videos of pilots explaining how planes work, meditation, almost anything anyone had brought up to you, you'd tried. Nothing compared to the combination of light medication and a heavy drink to force you into a sleepy state of acceptance.
You had to fly though. You had to if you wanted to see them. Your boys. You'd always dreamed of getting to go to more than one stop on a tour and now with adult money and an inner child that needed healing you were finally making it happen.
Sitting at the gate the heavy blanket of alcohol and benadryl settled in your veins, slowly dragging you down. Anxiety only spiking when they announced a change of planes and your name was called. "I'm so sorry, we've had to bump you from the flight." "Oh. Well that's fine." Your flat response nearly knocking the attendant over in surprise. "You're very lucky, there is one spot left on the next flight out, in a half hour. We've upgraded you free of charge for the hassle." The attendant taps the keyboard as fast as they speak, as though you were a ticking time bomb they needed far away from them. "Cool," under normal circumstances you'd be both elated and terrified. At this point you just wondered if you'd still be awake for boarding.
The vague stress of falling too deeply asleep and missing your flight keeps you teetering between consciousnesses, only passingly aware of a fresh wave of passengers entering the gate. Sliding through the "For You" recommendations absentmindedly, simply enjoying the repetitive motion of the swipe and spike of serotonin it brought your addled brain, you lose track of time just enough to register that the attendant has moved on from your privileged boarding group to the further back economy classes.
Annoyed with yourself, you shrug your bag onto your shoulder and shuffle into the mob of strangers gradually working itself into a line. The slow trudge down the jetbridge feels even worse, as inebriated as you are. Your legs beg for the relief of a chair, no matter how restrictive the position may be. Body listing to the side, partially weighed down by your bag and partially by the tilt of your head, bumble back and forth almost comically until you reach the gap between the extended walkway and the plane, waiting long enough so there is no chance of being caught between the two sides.
The conga line haulted momentarily the nearby flight attendant meets your vacant gaze and her eyes crinkle to smile at you over her mask. "Welcome aboard! How are you this afternoon?" She chirps. "It's my first time in first class!" You reply and immediately feel stupid. You curse yourself silently as she tilts her head, brows furrowing. "Oh excited?" "Er, I guess? Yes!" You pray that the stupor allows you to black out the whole episode. You can't blame her for trying to make conversation but at this point you're nearly hopeless. Escaping at the corner turn you just want to sit down when you are met by a sight you never thought you'd see in your life.
Ateez. You spot Yunho first. He's easy to spot, heads taller than everyone else you've seen today. Staring straight at you from his seat next to Jongho from under his bucket hat you lock eyes with him. You barely register San or the manager also staring. The rest take no mind. Hongjoong,Yeosang, and Mingi are silent with their eyes closed and head against the cushioned headrests. Wooyoung happily chatting away with Seonghwa. Jongho scrolling on his phone.
Your first reaction is to turn around and walk out of the plane. The slow conga line of people building up behind you prevents that. Your second is to put your brain into manual mode. What speed is a natural walking speed? How am I going to do this and fly all at once? Is there enough benedryl in my bag to sedate me long enough? Your knees feel like jello and feet like lead as you trudge perhaps the longest 10 feet of your life to your window seat, next to the manager.
"Need help with that?" A burly impatient man behind you asks as he watches you eye the distance from your luggage to the overhead bin. Silently you nod your head before he lifts it and shoves the rollarbag in with ease. With a brief exchange of nods you indicate to the manager your seat is next to his.
He eyes you up and down. For a moment you think "this is it, I've made them uncomfortable, I'm going to be kicked off the plane again." All the doomsday scenarios scroll past your mind. Barred from concerts, fansigns, within a 30 block radius. Instead he shuffles out to make room for you to slouch and toss your backpack into your seat ahead of you. You think you've totally escaped as you watch the bag land in the seat to suddenly and violently realize that you'd used Wooyoung's birthday merch. A simple black bag yes, but embroidered with a telltale 1126 on the side. Just enough for the eagle eyes of the manager to catch.
And you know he caught it as you slip into your chair. His stiffened body language tells you as much. Slinking down into the cushions you just want to disappear. Snapping your belt tightly across your lap and turning the volume of your headphones up. It was a nightmare you never dreamed could exist. Regrettably sobered up, hyper aware of each movement you make, you consider if maybe you'd overdosed at the airport bar and experienced the path from purgatory to hell. As you cower in your seat you assume any conversation that happens between the boys and their manager is about you, and you wouldn't be entirely wrong as each ones eyes flit to you.
But you aren't ejected from the plane, or asked to move. Instead the boarding door closes and the plane pulls away from the terminal. The clear and obvious terror in your eyes giving you an unsettled pass from the team. That's when you're faced with the reality of reality. You're going to have to rough it through take off with little to no sedation and no distractions. The engines spin up along with you pulse. So you return to the old techniques you'd tried.
Speeding down the run way with your knuckles white on your armrest you count down from ten. A pilot had once said the first ten second and last ten second of flight were the most dangerous. You had no idea how true or false this was but anything to help ease your mind. The plane lifts as you reach five, bumping up as you hurtle into the clouds. Their manager glances sideways at you, with your body wrenched toward the window, face pressed to the glass. For some reason you had to watch the takeoff and landing, no matter what. As though if your constant vigilance was the only thing keeping the plane from certain disaster.
Of course everything goes fine. It's a routine takeoff.
The plane levels off and service starts, the attendant quietly asking those who are awake what they want to drink first. You ask for a vodka cranberry and down the tiny bottle handed to you with the mixer to chase.
You can't help but feel apprehensive eyes on you. Trying your best not to return the looks despite the clear burn of their gaze. The alcohol takes some edge off but not enough to knock you out, which is what you really need. Slumping to the side you attempt closing your eyes nonchalantly and returning to your normal flight routine but the air has other plans.
A small ping jolts you up.
"This is your captain speaking-"
You dread this every flight.
"-some slight turbulence has been reported up ahead I've turned the fasten seatbelt sign on-"
You breathe deeply and try to envision the plane in jello. Or on a rollercoaster track. or a bumpy road. Literally anywhere but ten thousand fucking feet in the air.
The first bump hits and you whimper. Audibly. The manager can't help the look he gives you, you know this. The second bump has your elbows locked into your arm rests, body straight upright. Your knee bounces. You cannot freak out in front of your favorite kpop group. Not about them and certainly not about dying in an imaginary plane crash.
The third bump hits and you whimper again. Truly these bumps are small, not enough for the captain to call for the attendants to use the jumpseats, you bargin with yourself. If there were truly rough skies he'd tell them to sit down in those. You know this. Turbulence is mostly inconvenient rather than dangerous. Uncomfortable, not deadly.
"Hyung-" the unmistakable soft voice of San calls to the manager. You don't understand their short discussion but whatever it was, the manager unbuckles himself and shifts into the aisle, leaving the seat next to you momentarily empty only to be occupied by the built frame of Choi San. "Atiny?" He calls to you in a sing song voice, eyes searching your face for recognition.
You meep back at him with a swift nod. It's all your vocal chords can handle.
"You know, you don't need to be afraid," his gaze steady on you, "I fly a lot and it's just -" Another bump hits and your eyes close, brows furrowing, as your chest shudders inwards. Don't cry, you remind yourself, it's just bumps, it's just a man, it's just flying. A warm hand encases your clammy one fixed to the seat. Slowly peeling your fingers away and into his, San holds your palm in his, his thumb running over the back of your hand in soothing circles. "My atiny, I'm right here okay? I'm with you so you don't need to be scared." "Is this-okay?" You glance around his shoulders, their width making it obvious that you're looking for their manager who is watching the two of you like a hawk in San's former seat. San slides your hands down into the seats. "I might be in trouble but, it's okay. You're my atiny. I can't- you- I will comfort you."
There's a sparkle in his eye, unmistakable and delusion conjuring. The charm that makes so many fall in love with him on stage, full blast in your face. It melts you momentarily before the plane jostles slightly to the side, swooping with your stomach and tightening your hand in his. San's shoulders shake with a small giggle. "Cute. Please, breathe, and relax. I'm here. It's okay. I'm right here my atiny. Don't worry."
His voice soothing your slowly paired with the firm pressure of his thumb, sleep comes to drag your eyelids down. Even as your hand relaxes he holds you in his in case of turbulence. Gently supporting you as you drift together in the air.
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a-shared-experience · 2 years
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I, of all people, am pleased to see an increase in discussions regarding trauma.
I have been medically diagnosed with subconscious stress disorder, complex post traumatic stress disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and have struggled with a lifetime of substance addiction disorder which I have reduced down to the use of cigarettes.
Still, there is such an ignorance around this topic within the medical field that it’s unsettling.
Trauma is something we NEED to understand before any strides can be made in actually assisting anyone. I also think that it’s important not to “blame” trauma by using it as a blanket explanation for all medical issues.
I have the big ol TRAUMA stamp on my medical chart having taken the initiative to better my life and it’s been more of a curse than anything. I was involved in a motor vehicle accident which caused whiplash, a spinal cord injury and activated moderate to severe degenerative disc disease which had been asymptomatic up until that point.
This affects primarily my sacrum and hips, l1 and l5 vertebrae and both sciatic nerves. It’s not a death sentence by any means but it does greatly impact my life. It causes immense pain in my legs and feet to perform my regular duties at my job. The nerves at times have been so sensitive that it feels like a scalpel is slicing open my foot when I put on my sneaker.
After a reduced work shift I’d try standing to hand wash my dishes and it would feel like my shins were going to explode
I was exceeding any daily dose recommendations of gabapentin and was advised to stop taking lyrica after experiencing bizarre bleeding in my mouth, blurry vision, muscle spasms / soreness, flu like symptoms and noticeable changes in mood. Medical cannabis use remains optimal for chronic pain but does absolutely nothing for nerve pain . For the past two years I’ve been desperately trying to manage clinging to a career, dragging myself to acupuncture, physiotherapy, chiropractic services, massage therapy, psychology, physicians, osteopaths,ergonomists, occupational therapists , specialists at pain clinics, quarterly follow ups with a cannabis clinic and even enrolled into an exercise program with kinesiologists at the southside primary care network. Not to mention the mri’s, the x rays, the blood work, bed rest, ice packs , and the fact that pain is fucking exhausting.
Along with very real physical symptoms this of course affects my mental health and well being as I am a human body and brain all rolled into one. Nothing about physical and mental health are separate . Chronic pain , chronic fatigue, severe stress , pressure and risk of job loss lingers heavily over me while my social life and dating life remain non existent.
Last week I sat facing the medical doctor who manages my chronic pain and cried because I’m overwhelmed. He told me he could hear the stress in my tone when I greeted him and suggested EMDR and cbt. I usually would have retorted with sarcasm but I just nodded and ordered an Uber home despite not being able to afford it. It’s mandated by federal government that I go so what can ya do.
It’s insulting to be so transparent with a variety of medical professionals who don’t communicate with one another and are appointment focused not treatment focused.
I get that perhaps due to my “disorders” that I may face additional challenges in terms of managing stress related to my physical injury. I get that chronic sleep issues and emotional imbalances affect the speed of recovery as well.
I don’t get how being traumatized makes me exempt from receiving adequate care for a spinal cord injury though. I don’t get why it seems appropriate to assume that somehow years of abuse is to blame for the pain I feel after literally being hit by a car. I can’t help but wonder if I would be taken more seriously if it didn’t say TRAUMA on my chart.
I can’t help but sense the stigma of having SURVIVED physical, sexual and emotional abuse or the stigma of having previously been “addicted” to substance. One would think that my incredible journey would be something doctors were fascinated by rather than ignorant to.
Trauma can most definitely explain a lot about the why in many cases but it doesn’t make me any less worthy of healthcare and it doesn’t deem me incapable of feeling real physical pain.
I am a human body that was sat in the passenger seat of a Kia hatchback which was struck by a ford 150 truck at a stop sign. I have been traumatized my whole life but only experienced nerve pain after the crash.
So please help me understand how EMDR and cognitive behavioural therapy will help?
I don’t have fancy initials following my name or a certificate hanging on the wall I am just a girl who has pain that seems to somehow still be at fault
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tipseyalee · 1 year
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Mental health. Me edition. :)
In the 3 months, I’ve been diagnosed with a slew of disorders regarding the trauma I’ve endured. First, it was general anxiety disorder (GAD). Yes, my trauma caused my brain to think something will always happen to me at any time. This constant worry sucks. Then, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), been knowing this. Whatever lol now I have an excuse to be a disorganized queen. Depression, do you fucking blame me???? Lastly, obsession compulsive disorder (OCD), my anxiety makes me do weird things. I’m constantly checking my temperature because I always think I’m sick. I’m preventing another traumatic trip to the ER. My car will break down with every bump or not sunny day. The windy days are the worst. It’s a 20 min ride to hell when I go anywhere. If you know me I’m unstoppable on the road. My last therapy appointment I’ve decided to take away my thermometer (EK!) but he reassured I’m not crazy. I’ve gone through some fucked up shit. My brain is protecting me & now I have to form better habits to let me brain know I AM FINE.
On that note go seek the help you need. It’s been a long journey but I’m slowly improving.
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writinghurtsmybrain · 2 years
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It Begins
So, you might be thinking: “Why the heck are you WRITING a blog then?”  Honestly, I’m not sure either.  However, I think I just want to.
To introduce what my blog may be, if I ever actually remember to post anything again (lol), it will basically just be yet another stream of consciousness from one of today’s ‘troubled youth.’
Btw, content warning for mental health related issues, a lack of a filter, and poorly (un)disguised curse words.
As it is for many of us college zombies, I am currently struggling through the beginning of exams, and am in the midst of pretending I don’t have an exam tomorrow that I am not at all prepared for.
In the spirit of ignoring that exam, I will instead talk about one of the other things weighing on my mind: (one being that every time I use a semicolon or colon I constantly worry whether I am using it correctly, you suck brain) completing makeup assignments.
I’ve struggled with mental health issues for a good long while.  I have all the greatest hits: major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, and attention deficit and hyperactive disorder.  Oof that’s a lot of big words.  Basically, I’m constantly going ‘ooh, shiny thing (aka this blog)’ while trying to not hate myself and worrying about that I hate myself and that omg I said that so that person definitely hates me and thinks I’m weird now, and I definitely failed that class and I’m going to end up with a horrible job that can’t pay the bills and I’ll have to bother my parents and live off them forever, will I ever be able to function normally, etc etc.
Wow, I’m not sure how that felt to read, probably disorienting and confusing, but for me, with every word I wrote I could feel my chest tightening, feeling as if a vice was squeezing the middle of my chest harder and harder.
I’m sure everyone has had that feeling.  What makes it different from anxiety though, I like to think, is intensity, length, and causes.  With anxiety, you feel fear and uneasiness more intensely, about more things that it doesn’t make much sense to feel anxious about, and the feeling lasts much longer, oftentimes not dissipating even if the ‘problem’ or thing driving it has been resolved or ‘fixed.’
Similarly, depression is different from sadness for the same reasons.  Sure, we’ve all had those times (at least I have) where we burst into tears because our buttmuffin brother had the rest of the almondmilk, and now you can’t eat your cereal and you don’t have time to make any other food before you have to get to school (ah, high school).  Though I guess that may be both depression and anxiety, cause those two lovely things like to do tag-team attacks that pummel you into the (metaphorical) ground.  Anyways, I personally feel that my depression (as it feels different for everyone) can generally be categorized into three (shitty, and often co-occurring) flavors: numbness, futility, and full on omg-theres-a-knife-stabbing-me-make-it-stop.  However, I think that’s a convo for another day (I mean, I gotta give both of us a reason to come back here, right?).
I’m sure this felt like all of my thought processes do.  My dad describes it as ‘a racecar with bicycle brakes’ but I prefer to think it more strongly resembles ‘trying to sprint without ice skates across a field of ice to a certain point indistinguishable from anywhere else that you arbitrarily chose, only to fall on your ass and slide and spin around, arriving somewhere and unable to find where you initially wanted to go, much less where you started’ (see, even my description of my thought process is an example in and of itself).
So thanks for reading, or skimming (I wouldn’t blame you; this is way too long).  I’m going to do my best to (hopefully) get some work done.
Here’s to hoping I make it back here in a day or two, cause I’m sure there must be so many waiting with bated breath for my next post (not lol).
Toodles (omg, as soon as I wrote that, I thought, but more explicitly, ‘who the fudge says toodles.’  Me. I guess I say toodles now.  Welp, at least it fits the overall oddball mishmash of elements this clustercluck of a post was.  Time to try and load as many tags onto this puppy that I can that can be reasonably associated with what I wrote.  Toodles)
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thewhizzyhead · 3 years
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the school break juST STARTED 11 DAYS AGO COME ON NOW WHY THE FUCK AM I HAVING SLEEPING PROBLEMS AGAIN JDJSJD I *DON'T* WANNA HAVE A REPEAT OF SLEEPLESS MAY 2020 AAAAAA
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fangirltothefullest · 2 years
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Undiagnosed adhd causes problems people don't don't talk about enough.... Oh yeah they talk about how it affects productivity and sometimes they talk about emotionally how it affects people but they don't really talk about how it can cause problems with memory, how it can get you labeled as things you're not. How it can harm you from the time you're little because people just don't understand. How it can make lazy and selfish trigger words for anxiety that people just will not understand.
Undiagnosed adhd as a kid for me sucked so much. I was told "you have a race car brain in a beetle body" and that? Actually fuck that. My engine is super smart but I'm incapable of showing or using it. That's what they were telling me.
Essentially I'm just lazy.
An acknowledgement that I'm not stupid but a reminder than I'm too lazy to use my brain.
You can get diagnosed with "lazy" really quickly if you're not hyperactive (though it happens to hyperactive people too) when you have adhd.
"if only she applied herself more"
"if only she was motivated"
"she's not a trouble maker but she's just so unmotivated and distracted".
"She's not failing but she's not gifted because she's just not motivated to do all her work."
No, I was unfocused in a hyper-distracting room with a shit ton of kids making noise in a fast-paced day to day of exceptionally boring work. I lived in my head because outside stimuli was so overwhelming and noises were always so loud how could I hear people?
The only reason I got work done in school was because I could draw on my papers and that eased the frustrated lack of dopamine when completing tasks. It was the only motivator my brain found acceptible.
And that kind of talk really carries with you until it morphs into mingling with rejection sensitivity and turning also into a sense of "I'm never doing enough" anxiety so even on your freetime you have flashes of "shit what am I forgetting what did I do wrong what am I not doing fast enough" and since you are incapable of being this mystical superhuman everyone around you somehow seems to think you should be you just... stew in it.
"Why can't you be like so and so?" Oof that one happened a lot from every adult around me.
And the rejection sensitivity? Pretty sure that comes from adults around you constantly telling you that you've let them down, that you're just not up to par, that you're capable but willingly not doing it. That you're selfish and therefore asking for anything just proves that point. A desperation to be accepted even though you're always told if you just "apply yourself more" if you just "try harder" you'll be enough. You'll be accepted. You'll be loved without conditions.
And having memory problems on top of that? Talk about an unintentional gaslight dartboard. "Selfish" becomes a dirty word and a label entirely out of your control. If you can't remember then you must be lying.
"You didn't remember this because you don't care" I do care, I can't help it- "Maybe if you listened better!" I do listen, I can't recall it, it's not my fault- "Everyone else remembers, why can't you?"
Everyone else listened but nobody seemed to hear me.
"You did a, b and c on purpose." But I didn't remember doing it- I wouldn't do it on purpose but what if I did? I can't remember.
A sibling lies and says I did something naughty, but I can't remember if I did it so my excuses fall flat. What was I doing at this specific time? I don't know. Where was I when it happened? I don't know. So obviously I get blamed. That happened so much I used to just take the blame for my siblings even if i knew they did it.
You get known as the "naughty one" so it tracks that I'd get punished for it even if I didn't do it.
I STILL have a knee-jerk apology on my tongue I have to stifle when people call me lazy. I know I'm not lazy and its still ingrained to apologize for it. I still have to forcefully stop myself from being emotinally devastated when I let someone down. ~Selfish~ plays in my head like a stupid mantra.
You can spend so long crafting your personality to being less intrusive, less needy, more helpful, more accepting, more kind, more affectionate because how else will you be accepted, that you forget how to have needs. But you've finally proved you're worth it because all you you now is give. Nobody can call you selfish if you're only ever giving to other people. And it's nice to help! It feels good! But if you can't help are you really trying?
People think I'm not the smartest. I'm often mistaken as stupid because I'm bubbly and they're so shocked when I say something smart. But that's kind of what I get isn't it?
I'm kind because I know what hurt feels like. Im openly loving because I know what rejection feels like. I'm gentle when people mess up because I know it's what I wish I had had. I listen attentively as I can manage because if I'm not super focused qnd trying at 115% then I'm not listening. I write it down so i don't forget halfway through conversations.
They don't talk about lazy and selfish enough when talking about undiagnosed adhd.
No amount of relief from getting diagnosed as an adult can lessen the deep and vulnerable hurt of the realization that all this time there was something actually wrong and instead of even for a moment wondering if that was the case, everyone around you decided that lazy and selfish were easier because they only saw how it was affecting them.
Who were the selfish ones?
Who were too lazy to think that a child wasn't doing this on purpose to make their lives harder?
What a bitter irony.
Don't comment if all you have to say is how much a person with adhd burdens you as a nautorypical. I don't fucking care.
You don't get to go through life mentally fine and decide my suffering is a burden for you.
I'm so tired of hearing how hard it is having to deal with my adhd. How it's so mentally taxing to do all the thinking for me. How it's it's hard to deal with.
Fuck you and the ableist horse you ride in on.
I'm not here to make your life easier. I already don't ask for much from anyone. So neurotypicals can reblog but please don't comment unless it's for support. I'm tired of apologizing for existing.
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psychicstrawberries · 3 years
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Discovering Divergence
You know that feeling that you're not seeing the whole picture? Like, you have point A and point C, but point B is absent.
That's how I've felt virtually my entire life. It's like I'm seeing the world in fragments. Like there's gaps in my synapses. My entire world feels like a connect-the-dots. I'll do my best to portray this comprehensively but forgive me if it's not.
I was able to speak and walk sooner than most. That was the first thing my parents noticed that was a little different about me, but it was far from the last. I was enrolled in school a year before most, and that's when everything really kicked off.
I was reading, writing, and speaking well above my age. I was tested and showed to be at a college reading level by the time I was in middle school. I excelled in many areas of study. However, I was struggling in many, many things including being "normal."
I think the first time I called myself defective was in third grade. My school had "fun Friday," where if you behaved and passed all of your quizzes, you would get to have a field day on Friday. I was only included in 3 of those field days. This is because I was failing, horribly, at math.
My problem with math was largely an inability to focus. I could not make the process click with me, I could not keep my eyes on the numbers, I could not do the multi-step equations that I was asked to do. I would get lost in the process, constantly.
I asked for help. I explained my problem. The main responses that I got from the adults around me were "stop being lazy," "focus more," or "try harder." I did try harder. But my brain would bounce from daydream to daydream, thoughts flooding my senses and overriding my ability to understand what was in front of me. I felt alone, stupid, and defective. But I was told to try harder.
I had a habit of getting lost in thoughts. I still do. I would find myself gazing off into space, sometimes missing entire lessons, dreaming up stories and worlds and imaginary friends for myself. This largely happened in math because I grew to hate the subject by fourth grade. I couldn't understand it, I couldn't get help, so I ran away into my mind instead of listening to the teacher. This got me in a lot of trouble. I was labeled a problem child and a ditz. But, perhaps the biggest problem, was my mouth.
I used to talk until I ran out of breath. Rambling to anyone that would listen. About anything. Everything. I had so many thoughts and enjoyed so many things that I never ran out of material. Again, this got me in a lot of trouble. Time and time again, my desk was pushed to the front of the classroom into 'no man's land' as my teachers called it. This started my bullying.
My odd interests and intense fixations became subjects of ridicule. My jabberjaw got returned with a kurt "shut up" from most. My daydreams were punished. My excited blurts of an answer or unintended mimicking of another student's sniffle got me kicked off the jungle gyms. I became the weird kid. I didn't know why I was the way that I was, but I learned to hate myself for it.
In my teen years, I became a recluse. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and depression. I blamed those disorders for my executive dysfunction, scattered thoughts, quickness to become overwhelmed and my perpetually racing brain.
I'm sure you can imagine where this is going.
Come to find out. All this time later. As a full-grown woman. I have ADHD.
For twenty one years, I believed that I was stupid. Lazy. Defective. A daydreamer. Only to find out that I share the same disorder as my siblings, my cousins, and millions of others around the globe.
The thing that boggles my mind is how my own family missed it, while simultaneously recognizing the signs in my other family members. I suppose, seeing as I'm the oldest, I was the beta child. Rather than seeing a disorder, they saw the smart girl that needed more structure, not a doctor.
ADHD is dramatically underdiagnosed in females because of its history. The first studies on ADHD were done almost exclusively on males, and the findings were largely focused on the 'hyperactive' and 'impulsive' side of the disorder. But in recent years, it's noted that females tend to present with the more 'inattentive' symptoms. Because of this, girls with ADHD are mislabeled as daydreams, dim, or distracted. Girls like me are told to shape up, and learn to hate things about themselves that are quite literally hardwired into us. Our brains are different. Not defective.
Ugh, long post, but necessary. That is what I have for you today, thanks for reading.
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marksofwoe · 2 years
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           Haphephobia 
     What is Touch Aversion?
First, to establish the scene.
Early signs would be referred to as “tactile sensitivity“ (in children) since the mid 1990s. However, cultural consciousness of the matter varied, and being undeniably half demon, tucked away in seclusion in Italy of all places gave these varied issues little notice. Science and Religion always inside their own warring, and two children more interested in their father’s work, history and lineage resulted in little time ever truly given to the human half of themselves even in their short run of peaceful living.
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Research on the topic has picked up in the passing, recent years. While not a disorder necessarily, it can be an partial trait of, but not limited to, autistic spectrum and trauma-related brain injuries (psychological; e.g., abuse). Touch aversion, or tactile sensitivity, or sensory processing sensitivity (SPS) is a genetic temperamental or personality trait involving "an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli”. 
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In my muses case, after writing him for some months, it would seem he fits within this personality trait. However, due to the tragedy that befell the family, the consequential following of one bad decision to another resulting in confronting Mundus, only to ultimately be turned into a puppet plaything resulted in this personality trait worsening to the point of developing an outright phobia. From what we know both from VOV and the games, it seems to me that Vergil was morphed into a sort of “second skin”. A casing, a body of armor as well as a central for directly controlling every move, breath, and thought-planning. This decade long loss of self is precisely what turned his sensory overload and aversion to stagnating social phobia.
V does not dislike being touched. That is, evidently, if he initiates it. After writing him in wide situational things it appears that, while ranging from mild, moderate to borderline severe, he can indeed “tolerate” the overload of stimuli if he himself, nonetheless, initiated it (e.g., if he hugged someone, or touched them, and they took it further - either with intention to hug back or cuddle). He is uncomfortable, but tolerates it. Unfortunately he has not yet recognized (as of writing this) that it is an actual problem. Being a take on the muse progressing through and attempting redemption, he has often fallen into the pitfalls of blaming these sorts of things on his own past-willful shortcomings. “I do not like to be touched, because I did: x, y, z, e, and I feel undeserving” to “I do not deserve to touch them (other people) for I have not yet earned it”. He believes it is something he can will over himself, if he can only make himself strong enough to do so, rather than acknowledge the anxiety this line of thinking produces and its sources.
@devilxhunted​ made mention that V’s actions during D5 of always or mostly using his cane to touch Nero could be an indicator of his unwillingness to acknowledge the heinous things he has done to him as Vergil. I believe this coincides with his touch aversion - touching people, especially after the events of D5, means to know them as real, tangible, living people with their own histories. And to know it is overwhelming, something that, even in threads exploring a kinder mindset, a genuinely repentant mindset, is still psychologically overwhelming.
Some noted symptoms in no order:  
Being extremely sensitive to touch
Sensitivity to movement, out of fear of being touched as a result of that movement
A dislike of certain smells, sounds, textures etc, which are normally not intolerable
Either hyperactive, or can be the opposite and be hypoactive
Anger management problems
Irritability and annoyance
Can be quite withdrawn socially
Can use medication or other substances to help them relax in social situations
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journalformycptsd · 3 years
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Day #1 — CPTSD Symptoms
(journaling through my bookmarks from Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker)
Common Symptoms of Complex PTSD
• Emotional Flashbacks
• Tyrannical Inner &/or Outer Critic
• Toxic Shame
• Self-Abandonment
• Social anxiety
• Abject feelings of loneliness and abandonment
• Fragile Self-esteem
• Attachment disorder
• Developmental Arrests
• Relationship difficulties
• Radical mood vacillations
• Dissociation via distracting activities or mental processes
• Hair-triggered fight/flight response
• Oversensitivity to stressful situations
• Suicidal Ideation
This is the first bookmark I made when reading this book, because I was alarmed at how many of these symptoms I experience regularly.
I have emotional flashbacks at least a few times a week; I didn’t know what to call them until now. Most days I would wake up already submerged in a flashback of anxiety, depression, and shame. I would feel shame from oversleeping, from being late on school or chores, from neglecting my loved ones or my pets. I’d open my eyes to my messy high school bedroom and feel nothing but disgust at my own lifestyle. I’d plunge into self-hating diatribes about how out of control I was, how right my mother was about me, how helpless and broken I felt. I didn’t realize these were my mother’s words. I didn’t realize these were not compassionate to myself. I didn’t realize that my brain was being taken over by PTSD.
The inner critic launched those attacks on me, while the outer critic lashed out at everyone who triggered my insecurity or sense of being judged. Everyone who slightly disappointed me became an untrustworthy traitor, because my trauma taught me that no one was safe.
Toxic shame and self-abandonment got their hands on the reins as soon as I woke, so that every interaction I had with anyone in my life was riddled with guilt and defensiveness. This triggered social anxiety — my mother’s lack of acceptance and unconditional love, as well as her refusal to hear out and reassure my insecurities, left me feeling intensely vulnerable and scared around others. I reflexively isolated, and made myself as lonely on the outside as I felt in my own mind.
Intense self-loathing and blaming myself for my abuse led me to develop unhealthy attachments, either clinging to others for dear life with the underlying certainty that they would “find me out” and reject me, or pushing others away before they could inevitably leave me.
My arrested emotional development caused me to regress under stress, and I’d lash out and yell at others — at other times, my emotional brain would take over and I’d retreat into isolation and depression, hopelessness and helplessness similar to a child without a parent. I had no concept of protecting myself from conflict — only protecting myself through conflict.
My mood swings led to a bipolar ii diagnosis that I’m not certain is accurate. I experience intense depressive episodes, but my hypomania isn’t very pronounced. I get triggered into emotional flashbacks and when i don’t know how to get out of them, they turn into days and weeks-long shame and depression cycles.
I’ve dissociated through video games, daydreaming, and oversleeping since I was a child. My fight/flight response is hyperactive; I’ve always been teased for being jumpy, or skinny from anxiety, or shaky. Stress debilitates me, freezes me in my tracks and leaves me trembling, crying, and sick.
Suicidal ideation, as rare is it comes and goes, does come and go. I’ve never attempted. I’ve never hurt myself. But I know that when that thought comes up, out of nowhere, that something is wrong and I need to catch it and fix it, quickly.
Experiencing all these symptoms on such a regular basis has made this diagnosis a life changer. I can’t believe I never realized that all these things add up to one diagnosis. I wish it hadn’t taken 22 years of life to discover it.
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castletm · 2 years
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tw, for mentions & discussions of suicide , suicidal thoughts, and various forms of mental illness & self harm. never forget, after maria and the kids, frank is suicidal. he’s not a suicide risk exactly, as his will to survive as a human usually wins out due to things like his current relationships, or because he doesn’t truly want to die - but he certainly has strong suicidal thoughts, & he’s severely depressed. because if this, it’s natural to want that all to go dark, & go away. & he will also put himself into dangerous situations, and be more reckless because of this. this is where his suicide risk does come in, as he comes off & is generally indifferent to his own survival, outside of wanting to live to see his work carried out to completion. he’s outright admitted he hopes to die, & that he wakes up in the morning wishing he hasn’t. he’s explicitly said that he’s okay with the idea that he’s walking into a fight he can’t win, or a situation where he’s got a high chance of death. & he’ll do it, too. he’s not just all bark. but he’s frank castle, which usually means he walks out alive. you could call the constant beatings he seeks out could be a form of self punishment, & it might be to a degree. self injury via extreme self subjection to physical activities that result in bodily injuries. but also, the man just likes killing people & hurting people, which breeds being hurt himself if people defend themselves. so we can blame both, to a degree. also his morals keep him hanging on by a thread. in a marvel comics universe as some of you know, frank commits suicide by cop after killing peter parker via explosives, due to a misunderstanding. once he realizes he killed a truly good man, he prompted the cops to gun him down. we also see a similar behaviour in season 2 of the punisher when frank allows himself to be arrested, after being lead to believe that he’s killed innocent women.
aside from having post-traumatic stress disorder, which he denies vehemently - (& is why he didn’t want to use it as his defence, as he thought it would be disrespectful to “real” veteran victims of ptsd) - he is constantly reliving the attack that killed his family. due to brain damage from his bullet wound, he’s now living in an state of heightened anxiety, as though he is constantly under threat. whether it’s in his waking life or in his sleep, with his recurring night terrors. which on their own, are bad enough. & we know he develops new & more vivid dreams depending on people he grows attached to. like, dreaming about david & his family alongside his own. he also suffers from extreme guilt that contributes to those suicidal thoughts.
“Mr. Castle is suffering from what we call sympathetic storming. It's a heightened and ongoing state of fight or flight, in which the sympathetic nervous system is hyperactive.” anyway i meant this to be a short exploration but it ended up being a mid dive into frank’s mental health issues, but this is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!!!! to my portrayal, & please keep this in mind when interacting with him/me.
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draganasimpsforjeff · 3 years
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If anyone is curious
So I figured there should be a time on when I should share my mental illnesses, even though it's none of anyone business, I still want to be open about it especially those with questions.
I will say though don't take what I say about MY conditions to mean the same for others who have it/ they because everyone deals with it different and has different experiences.
This is a bit of a list and I have gotten people in the past who said they don't believe someone can have this many mental conditions, but hey buddy, FUCK YOU.
Anyways,
here's the list:
ADHD( first diagnosed at 7 and then got it double checked at 16
BPD- Borderline Personality Disorder
Bipolar Disorder
ASPD- Antisocial Personality Disorder
GAD- Generalized Anxiety Disorder
My biggest ones that make everyday harder for me is my BPD, Bipolar, and ADHD.
This is information found online explaining each of the disorders, but I will say I hate how a lot of people especially those in psychology rather not deal with someone that has bi polar and borderline personality disorder because it's harder to deal with and each trigger, cycle and all that is difficult to identify or handle. And a lot of people depict us as "awful people"
when it was people like that that made us develop these disorders. Anyways, here's what "professionals" explain each as:
1. ADHD-
A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness.
ADHD often begins in childhood and can persist into adulthood. It may contribute to low self-esteem, troubled relationships, and difficulty at school or work. Symptoms include limited attention and hyperactivity
SYMPTOMS:
Behavioral: aggression, excitability, fidgeting, hyperactivity, impulsivity, irritability, lack of restraint, or persistent repetition of words or actions
Cognitive: absent-mindedness, difficulty focusing, forgetfulness, problem paying attention, or short attention span
Mood: anger, anxiety, boredom, excitement, or mood swings
2. Borderline Personality Disorder (wasn't diagnosed with it until 16)
A mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.
The cause of borderline personality disorder isn't well understood. Diagnosis is made based on symptoms. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.
SYMPTOMS:
Behavioral: antisocial behavior, compulsive behavior, hostility, impulsivity, irritability, risk taking behaviors, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, social isolation, or lack of restraint
Mood: anger, anxiety, general discontent, guilt, loneliness, mood swings, or sadness
Psychological: depression, distorted self-image, grandiosity, or narcissism
3. Bipolar Disorder
A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs.
The exact cause of bipolar disorder isn’t known, but a combination of genetics, environment, and altered brain structure and chemistry may play a role. Manic episodes may include symptoms such as high energy, reduced need for sleep, and loss of touch with reality. Depressive episodes may include symptoms such as low energy, low motivation, and loss of interest in daily activities. Mood episodes last days to months at a time and may also be associated with suicidal thoughts. Treatment is usually lifelong and often involves a combination of medications and psychotherapy.
Mood: mood swings, sadness, elevated mood, anger, anxiety, apathy, apprehension, euphoria, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest, or loss of interest or pleasure in activities
Behavioral: irritability, risk taking behaviors, disorganized behavior, aggression, agitation, crying, excess desire for sex, hyperactivity, impulsivity, restlessness, or self-harm
Cognitive: unwanted thoughts, delusion, lack of concentration, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, or false belief of superiority
Psychologically: depression, manic episode, agitated depression, or paranoia
4. Antisocial Personality Disorder:
A mental health disorder characterized by disregard for other people.
Those with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) may begin to show symptoms in childhood, but the condition can't be diagnosed until adolescence or adulthood. Those with antisocial personality disorder tend to lie, break laws, act impulsively, and lack regard for their own safety or the safety of others. Symptoms may lessen with age.
SYMPTOMS:
Behavioral: antisocial behavior, deceitfulness, hostility, irresponsibility, manipulativeness, risk taking behaviors, aggression, impulsivity, irritability, or lack of restraint
Mood: anger, boredom, or general discontent
and finally, 5. Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Severe, ongoing anxiety that interferes with daily activities.
Generalized anxiety disorder can occur at any age. The condition has symptoms similar to panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other types of anxiety.
SYMPTOMS:
Behavioral: hypervigilance, irritability, or restlessness
Cognitive: lack of concentration or unwanted thought
Psychological: severe anxiety or fear
In summary, don't also self diagnose yourself. I will say I blamed myself for everything until I did get diagnosed and then it all clicked. Unfortunately, I am not treated for anything above which makes it worse but feel free to ask questions if you're curious.
I'd love to talk about how it interferes or makes me feel,.etc.
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spectrumed · 3 years
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3. sadness
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Don’t be like that. Be like this, or be that other thing. Be unique, but don’t be too unique. Fit in, but try to be a rebel. Be a renegade, but don’t rock the boat. Don’t know what you are supposed to be? What? Do you have imposter syndrome or something? Just be yourself, but, y’know, sand down the edges a little bit. Be friendlier. Be the kind of person everyone likes. Be the life of the party! Don’t be some shut-in, some crazy cat-lady with absolutely zero social life. Don’t be sad. Don’t burden others with your sadness. Work to maximise the total happiness of your community. A smile goes a long way. Can’t smile? You really can’t help but being a sourpuss all the time? Well, I guess maybe that if you can’t help but stay in a perpetual bad mood bringing everyone else down… then maybe you should just stay isolated? Better stay alone, away from others. You’re toxic. You’re just so damned sad. You really must be quarantined.
I am sad, a lot of the time. Are you? But, no, you can’t just admit that you are sad. Don’t be a buzzkill, try to inject a little humour into the things you say. You can admit you’re depressed, if you do so with a joke. Don’t let others know you’re being sincere. Ironic jokes work the best, don’t they? They let you confess your secret gloom to everyone around, but they’ll never know just how serious you’re being. With a wink of the eye, any candid expression of your inner turmoil can become a hilarious post-modern gag. Are they or are they not telling the truth? Oh, I’ll never tell! And it will all work out excellent, up until the day you commit suicide. But every comedian’s time in the limelight has to end at some point, right?
This blog is supposed to be about autism spectrum disorder, why am I suddenly discussing depression? Well, I suppose that it is time we bring to the table this little thing called comorbidity. Psychology is messy. Some would argue that it is barely even a real scientific field (I tend to think that it is the best thing we have, but I acknowledge that in places, psychology is fundamentally flawed.) You may have thought that you’d get just one diagnosis. One simple label that you can work through and overcome. You’re bipolar, now go deal with it! But instead, you find yourself with a whole fistful of diagnoses. What to hear my proud list of diagnoses? Oh, please, don’t think because I am listing them this one certain way, I put them in order of relevancy to me. I love all of my diagnoses equally.
My diagnoses are:
Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)
Agoraphobia
Possible Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Asperger syndrome (AS)
No, I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but largely because, at the time I received these diagnoses, my depression was so blatant that it felt as if I was walking around with a cloud of miasma surrounding at all times. Imagine me as Pig-Pen from Peanuts, but instead of being covered in dirt, I was covered in the funk of melancholy. And whatever treatment I would eventually go on to receive (and still am receiving to this day,) would go about treating my anxiety first, and hopefully, the depression would give in alongside the anxiety. It has, for the most part, though, I still feel the presence of that black dog from time to time. I also got only a half-hearted potential diagnosis of OCD, but later, during a trial of an antidepressant that had a freakishly negative impact on my psyche, it blossomed into a fully-grown attention-craving condition. Turns out that OCD can be a real hog for the spotlight, really not allowing any of the other diagnoses to take their turn on stage. Thankfully, when I got off that particular antidepressant, those symptoms stopped, but it has led me to be far more aware of my internal obsessive-compulsive thought patterns. For me, OCD largely lacks physical compulsions, but my mind is ablaze with intrusive thoughts, and I will routinely force myself to repeat certain phrases in my head to make them go away. The funny thing is, I never realised that wasn’t normal.
Diagnoses are an attempt to map out a spiders’ web of problems. Things come hand in hand. While I’m no psychologist, I can speak from the perspective of someone who has been through the psychiatric process, which I suppose, lends me a certain kind of expertise, doesn’t it? Maybe it really doesn’t. Maybe I’m just throwing words out there, thinking that I could serve a good purpose, but instead all I am doing is contributing to this great onslaught of digital disinformation we’re all suffering under. But I’m probably just too doubtful of myself. I am speaking about myself, after all. I’ve got first-hand experience in being myself. I know exactly what it feels like to own this skin, these bones, this heart, and this mushy brain of mine. I’m not claiming to know everything. I’m just claiming to know about this one sad individual writing this hoping it might allow someone to reblog my posts with the hashtag “relatable” one day.
Anxiety runs in my family. The neurosis demon gets passed down from generation to generation, only occasionally skipping a beat. My mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, though, she has for the most part of her life not had it to quite the excessive degree that I have it. I really took that genetic predisposition for anxiety and ran with it. And while I’m the only person in my family to have gotten diagnosed as being “on the spectrum,” there are a few members that I kinda sort of in a way actually quite seriously suspect might also be here somewhere on the spectrum. Still, as always goes with diagnosing, there’s no point in doing it unless the person is in need of some kind of treatment. I wholeheartedly believe that most people on the planet belong to one spectrum, be it an autism spectrum, a bipolar spectrum, a narcissism spectrum, even a schizophrenic spectrum, but diagnoses should be exclusively reserved for those who need psychiatric care. The world is a spectrum, and it’s worth noting that the terms “sane” and “insane” do not alone capture the complexity of the human psyche. A person can appear perfectly sensible, yet at some point in their life, they may have been a real silly little bugger who thought that their pet hamster was the reincarnation of the Buddha. Just as with physical health, one can struggle with one's mental health for one period in their life, only to later on in life feel utterly and entirely mentally healthy. Or, well, sadly in a lot of cases, people who were perfectly mentally healthy may suddenly become diagnosed with dementia. But that’s really sad, so let’s not talk about that.
Is it all genetic? Well, no. Or well, maybe? In regards to autism, I am pretty sure that, yes, it is genetic. While, yes, I do admit that I’m just a dummy on the internet, so what do I really know? And the brain is such a complex bit of mushy meat, so I could always be proven wrong. Though, I tend towards thinking that there most likely is principally a genetic factor to conditions like autism, or attention deficit disorder (and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,) or things like bipolar disorder. But with anxiety, quite frankly, I can’t say how much of it is nurture and how much of it is nature. I mentioned that my mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, so that would imply that there is something in one's genes that can make some more prone to anxiety than others, but my mother does not struggle with agoraphobia, nor does she seem to have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies. In fact, in my family, even those that exhibit some element of heightened anxiety, they don’t seem to show any milder symptoms of this kind. I can’t help but feel as if these conditions I gained through that tortuous period of every boy’s and girl’s (and boy-girl’s) life is called puberty. I hate to conform to stereotypes but I did indeed hate being a teenager. Believe it or not, I wasn’t a jock, and no, I didn’t go to parties. I mostly spent my time crying.
The question that no doubt plagues every movie psychiatrist to no end is what kind of trauma must a person undergo to make them go mad? Abusive parents? Abusive uncles? Abusive teachers? Abusive dogs? Honestly, to be an adult raising a child must be rough, considering how any mistake you make might suddenly turn your little babe into a future serial killer. Now, there’s no doubt that there are some seriously terrible parents out there, and that a lot of people have mental woes that definitely came about due to their parents and their abysmal lack of parental care. But generally, how much can you actually blame on your parents? We know the cliché, let’s go sit down on the sofa and complain to our Freudian hack-shrink all about those times as a kid our dad missed the big game, or that time our mother embarrassed us in front of all of our friends. I have plenty of things to complain about my parents, like I believe we all have. Our parents are flawed, messy human beings, of course they occasionally made mistakes throughout our upbringings. But is that nearly enough to turn a person mentally ill? Putting up with an at times really embarrassing mom? No, I don’t think so. And of course, there are some real awful parents out there, I’m not doubting that. Trust me, I’m a fan of true crime, so I’ve heard some real grizzly stories of what some kids are forced to grow up with. But I am thinking that those instances are more rare than they are common. Most people with mental illnesses can most likely not blame their parents.
How ‘bout bullies? Yes, them bullies. Them awful mean bullies that made all of our lives so painful. It’s funny, it seems like every school had their own fair share of bullies, and yet no-one as an adult ever comes forward to admit that they themselves were the bullies. It’s almost like as if no-one ever thinks of themselves as being a bully, even when they are throwing rocks at that weird chubby kid with blonde hair who happens to be named Fredrik and who just wants to be left alone. Was I bullied? Well… yes. But I can’t say I got the brunt of it. I got bullied, but overall I’d say I only ever had it slightly worse than most people. I was still quite tall, typically taller than my classmates growing up, and for the most part I could roll with the punches. If you really want to talk about a kid I knew growing up that got bullied, let me tell you about this kid who knew all the right dances for all the right Britney Spears songs. He was gay, I think. Not quite old enough to have come out, I suspect, but, well... He liked all the female pop stars, but not in that way of wanting to kiss them and fondle their boobies, but in the “I want to sound just like them when I grow up” sort of way. I don’t know what happened to him (or them, or her, depending on how they identify now,) but that was real bullying. Like most folks, I found myself stuck in that limbo of seeing others get bullied far worse than me and being too cowardly to intervene, in fears that I’d end up taking their place. Yes, isn’t school just a marvellous place? It’s a wonder any of us turn out okay.
No, I think that, fundamentally, the problems I have arose with myself. This, blaming myself, is not something that I am unused to doing. I have a long history of blaming myself, that’s really the problem. As a teenager I knew that I was different, and I was frightened and scared of being exposed. I didn’t even really know what it was that was different about me, I just knew that I didn’t fit in. I felt as if I didn’t deserve to fit in. The older I got, the more intense these feelings got. And I started taking it out on myself. I started hating myself. And I really mean furiously hating myself. It wasn’t some casual self-loathing, it was searing self-hatred. I did not physically hurt myself, but I did engage with self-harm. I kept repeating the mantras of “I hate myself,” and “I am pathetic,” over and over again, with the ultimate goal of making myself cry. For a period, I couldn’t go to bed without making myself cry first. I began taking days off from school, pretending to be sick. Well, I suppose I was ill, but not physically. I began failing most of my classes, I only ended up doing well in art. I stayed away from school for whole weeks at the time. Once, when I shame-facedly returned to school some of the meaner boys came up to me and said that they were surprised to learn that I was still alive. They were surprised, but also a little disappointed.
This was a time in my life when I really needed psychiatric care. This became increasingly obvious to my parents, and my teachers. I was clearly suffering from depression. Not just some teenaged angst, but full-blown, wholly insidious, depression. But, well, I didn’t get the care that I needed. Oh, I did go to see a psychologist a couple of times, but she saw no reason for me to continue seeing her. I don’t know why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help, frankly, I can’t fathom why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help. I suppose I avoided telling her the truth of what went on inside of my head, but I feel like as if any good psychologist would have been able to tell that the kid sitting across from them was clearly suffering from something a tad more intense than just some common concerns about puberty. At most I was able to confess was that I was feeling ashamed over myself for getting so fat, but it should have been clear to anybody that I was only using that as a hook to hang my self-hatred on. There very clearly was some underlying condition that I had that should have gotten addressed. But it went ignored.
At most I can think to explain this is the fact that I wasn’t “problematic.” Not in the way some kids are, when they’re struggling with their mental health. I did not act out, I did not take drugs, and I was certainly not violent. Even to this day, though I have at many times suffered from suicidal ideation, I am a real low-risk for actual suicide considering my intense fear of dying (yes, that’s an odd combo to have.) So, I’ve come to realise that the only way I am getting treatment is if I actually seek out treatment. And back then, I was just as placid as I had previously always been. I was quiet and introverted, just desperate to get back home so I could go and hide in my room. Many teenagers are like that. And it is easy to ignore them, because they want to be ignored. They just don’t want to exist. When you are desperate to be left alone, eventually people will leave you alone. I would go on to receive psychiatric care later on my life, but only after several years passed. I did have a better time living in my later teenage years, but like with a bone that heals wrong, I needed someone to come in and sort me out. I was sad as a teenager, but I would become really sad as a twenty-something. Hopefully my thirties will be jolly.
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definitelynotcesia · 2 years
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Hello Cesia how are you?? First of all I miss you, I promise I'll read those recent updates as soon as my uni stops filling too much on my plate hahaha
I was mindlessly scrolling on Tumblr and I saw your recent post about ADHD. I wanted to speak a little about it since I do have it and it sucks honestly. So I'll probably get too excited, if you don't want to read it I totally understand, you don't even need to post it, do whatever feel comfy for you sweetie I mean it ( ˘ ³˘)♥. - Kaomoji anonie (U❍ᴥ❍)
So the thing is, doesn't matter if you are diagnosed or not, you'll suffer from people's prejudice either way, because of misinformation, both from neurothypicals and ADHDers themselves. But having a diagnose helps you and those around you understand yourself better, if the right information is spread.
The first thing we think we hear about ADHD is in the name, Attention deficit and Hyperactivity (no shit Sherlock), and that's all most people know about ADHD, they can't focus, can't sit still, are impulsive, in other words, disruptive behavior, these behavior are often mistaken as character flaws, that's why they say "oh you're not trying hard enough", "why can't you sit still?" , "If you cared about it you would remember" witch is understandable because you know... misinformation...
So I want to point out two important points
1- ADHD is caused by a biochemical imbalance: we lack two neurotransmitters, noradrenaline and dopamine. The first one is responsible for concentration and alertness, as well as memory, creative and cognitive processes, if you lack those (especially in your frontal cortex) you can't focus on one thing only and have a poor working memory (the capacity to keep and manipulate info during tasks for example). Dopamine is for pleasure and motivation, if you lack these, you can't keep motivated, specially in boring tasks and you seek for constant stimulation. And all that in the frontal cortex, the CEO of the Brain Enterprises.
2- There is a lot more to ADHD than just not paying attention, being restless and impulsive, because it's more about executive function issues than anything else. I'll list a few signs so you can understand better. Remember that every mental health problem are different for everyone, my advice is to know what describes you better:
Bad object permanence: What is out of sight is often out of mind, explained by bad working memory. That's why we forget important stuff.
Hyperfocus: It's only been talked about more recently, we sometimes spend hours doing something that gives us dopamine so we forget to eat, drink water and other basic human necessities (right now I'm very hyperfocused, just left a pratical test, have online class rn, have to study for lots of stuff and haven't shower or had eaten all day, but this text needs to be perfect because It gives me dopamine haha).
Emotional disregulation: When we feel things we FEEL things, like or I'm so happy and life is all unicorns and rainbows or I've never had a happy day in my life. (Also can we please talk about more about normal female hormonal stuff and ADHD in woman?? Please I need info on that)
Rejection sensitive dysphoria: This is bad honestly, lots of us are so scared of judgement that we may develop social anxiety and depression.
Sleep problems: insomnia or hypersomnia are common in ADHD
Sensory issues and there's a lot more
A fair amount of us learn trough life that we are basically born for failure, especially in today's society that demands focus, motivation AND COMPETITION to be successful. So lots of ADHDers may work even harder to get the same or worst results, leading to frustration, lots of us may give up and start believing what society says, leading to low self esteem. For me it was better to blame myself than my disorder, so I didn't work, I would get bad results either way, that's why today, even working very hard and achieving great things, I can never feel proud of it, and it hurts.
In conclusion, if you think you may have ADHD, do research, get a diagnosis, get to know your symptoms, know what works for you (work smarter not harder). There's a lot of tips on reddit, it's worth it to search there and try things out to see if it's right for you. With the right method and with self knowledge everyone's ADHD can be controlled, and for that to happen you HAVE to prioritize your mental health, you're allowed to feel.
And please DO NOT believe in any misinformation, or lack o information about you, having a disorder doesn't make us lazy, a bad person, a failure or any other bad character trait given.
"You are not born for failure, you just can't expect a fish to climb a tree" - it's a metaphor on how neurodivergents can't be expected to fit in the neurothypical norms. Just so you know "a fish can swim like nobody else can" - Michael Phelps is a great example of that, figuratively and literally (I wanted to do that joke so bad, I was waiting for that moment)
Phew I talk too much I'm so sorry, but honestly it was worth it, I felt comfortable to do so, hopefully not too comfortable haha (´-﹏-`;)
omg my kaomoji baby!!! first of all, oh my gaf i miss you so much :<<< i miss reading your very lively asks and i'm so glad to get one now hihi. second, you don't have to worry so much bby. i know how hectic uni can get so take your time. my asks is always open for your reactions if you finally have time to read it (but you also don't have to send one if you don't feel like it, its totally fine!!). third, don't ever say sorry for getting "too excited". i'm even more thankful, and genuinely enjoyed reading every bit of information you added!!
honestly this feels like a dsm5 review for me (and the funny thing was that i was reviewing neurodevelopmental disorders right before i came to tumblr today!!), so i'm really happy that you sent this one. and it's even more interesting to read these information from your point of view. it's like reading facts and all your personal inputs help me understand the disorder better. so really, thank you for sharing this!!! im so happy TT
i also love the quote you left. it just ties the explanation a lot more. so again thank youuuuu@!!!!
to those who are curious of the ADHD post (if there's any), it's this!! it's a reminder that even when you have mental disorders or not, it's important to educate ourselves so we know how to be respectful and kind in any way we can.
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thevirgodoll · 3 years
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I need advice for confronting my friend about skipping meals, it gets pretty awkward and she brushes everything off. The anon reminded me to ask you for help about this.
This is a very, VERY touchy subject and I know you know this. I’m happy you approached me with this because this is directly up my alley in subject matter.
PSA: With things like self harm behaviors, understand that it’s difficult to get a loved one to admit it’s happening because of the brain’s response towards confronting it: shame, guilt, and burdensome feelings. And if she has been doing this awhile, by now her brain has been conditioned to use this as a positive coping mechanism because it relieves her of whatever is going on in her life...
So try not to be too hard on her. I know a lot of people get easily frustrated and place blame but perspective and empathy is extremely necessary if you’re going to be here for the long haul because this is not something that she can just stop doing. In the past, people were very ignorant about any self harm behavior so I really had to get that off of my chest so you could approach it correctly.
Things to know and consider:
Think of her history. Has there been any life changes? Has she ever had mental health problems? What has happened before the eating habits?
•Something deeper is usually going on when an eating disorder actually occurs. It is not about food entirely, it’s about emotional eating and lack thereof depending on which ED it is. Now sometimes it’s not always due to the person’s own doing (some medications can create issues), but most of the time it’s due to an underlying problem that has been going on for a long time.
•She may withdraw from social interactions as a result of this disorder. This is a symptom of her illness.
•Often times, eating disorders are coupled with depression and anxiety. So keep in mind, her mind is a hard place to be right now if this is the case.
•EDs can create a need for control. If she feels out of control in an area of her life, in some way, it helps her feel in control of something.
Symptoms to check off (not all have to be marked; this is for everyone’s reference to keep and have):
•Fear of weight gain to the point of obsession
-> conversations pertain to cleaner eating or wanting to look better, expresses disdain
-> obsessed with fitness or diet apps to the point of concern
•Excessive exercising
-> upset if they cannot exercise
-> increases exercise, but avoids increasing calories or is on a fad diet/extreme regiment in an unhealthy manner
•Irrational perception of body weight or image
-> checking body fat, tugging on skin
•Weight gain
-> compulsive eating, large quantities of food
•Lying about eating habits or downplaying them
•Food often on mind or always an issue
•Skipping meals often or rationalize skipping meals
•Cutting food into pieces to make it less obvious that it’s not as much food
-> habitually does this or only eats certain portions, weird rituals around foods, maybe a lot of condiments
•Avoiding eating with other people
-> goes to the bathroom often during meals
-> gets upset during meals if certain meals aren’t available, refuses to even eat
•Hiding food
•Fatigue, lack of concentration, irritation
•Uncharacteristic social withdrawal and isolation
-> A note about mood: Extremely depressed or seems extremely energetic depending on mental state. Mental health concerns are definitely there.
-> Caffeine may be involved if they are overly hyperactive to lose more weight
So, keep in mind that it’s not just one type of eating disorder which is why I included many different signs off the top of my head. Sometimes, people are unaware that their behaviors are unhealthy until it’s too late. Some people won’t accept they have an eating disorder, especially black women.
Something to know: Black women, regardless of specific nationality or ethnic background, tend to have a certain culture around food, so eating disorders with Black women are often overlooked. Black women adopt cultural values that are linked with binge eating disorders, and are at high risk for emotional eating. Many will not ask for help. The stereotype continues to be that it is just the Black woman being “fat” or “needs meat on her bones”.
Why? It is due to the societal and cultural expectation. Most women in media are depicted as white, skinny women or plus size white women for opposite ends of the body image / ED spectrum.
However, the culture around Black female bodies is something to be acknowledged... the rates of “thick” vs. “skinny” body image problems regarding Black women. Anorexia is the rarest disorder amongst Black women, and Binge eating is the most prevalent.
What To Do Now?
When someone downplays an eating disorder despite you pointing out the symptoms, it’s not personal. It is a symptom of their illness. Persistence and empathy is key. Take a different approach than aggression in order to get them to open up.
Do not say how they look when starting your sentences...they have a perception already of how they look and it won’t work. Do not say what they “should” do for your benefit of seeing them well, this will come off aggressive. They will tune you out, and feel like a burden. If anything, you want to put your empathy above all. Do not frame their behavior as something malicious that they are doing to you. These approaches are often used and alienate the person, which makes the process longer. No ultimatums also. People always say “if you do this again I will stop being your friend.” It ruins it and drives people to more self harm behaviors often or worse, suicide / hospitalization due to feeling alone (more than they already do). Do not do this!
Have patience, move forward with love, and involve empathy not pity or demeaning language. Avoid “should”, “need”, and “you don’t”. Just speak from a place of concern, because that’s your primary feeling. No lecturing, no criticizing. Pick a private place, where they will be calm. NO OFFERING SOLUTIONS! It’s about offering SUPPORT! Do not tell them what they have to do! Just use “I” statements only! If there is resistance, again, be patient because this is hard for THEM! I say this with a lot of conviction because it is extremely serious!
Example: “Hey ____, I’m really worried about you. Perhaps I am wrong in my observations, but this is what I see(*this allows them to not feel defensive*). I feel like you are struggling with something(gives them the chance to open up). I want to help you and I am here for you.”
Example: “Hey ____, I really wanted to speak to you. I feel like something is going on. It’s hard for me to see you unhappy (observation of how they have been acting, no weight comments). It’s really scary to watch you skip meals sometimes(shows that you are concerned and have noticed). I want to help you. I want you to know I’m here for whatever you want to do. I’m listening to you.” *The ending gives them an opportunity to feel supported because they are. If they show response to wanting to take the next step / or open up to you about the eating disorder then say this: “I’ll even go to the doctor with you. I will be in the appointment.” And please go with them!
Good luck and keep me updated! We should all stick together on mental health (especially us black women.) Always send me questions like this!!! ❣️
xo, thevirgodoll ❤️
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*If anyone is curious as to why I’m so knowledgeable, I’m a psychology major girl, I had research ready before I answered because I already did research on this topic a long time ago in an essay for black women and EDs. I got my clinical reference from earlier lol -> clinical reference to black women and eating disorders link study
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