#and how much is just me realizing ive never really known happiness because i was too anxious or depressed

[thereadinggremlin]

Guarded Hearts pt 3

Summary: You find out Azriels your mate but you start getting the could shoulder from him after he returns from a mission.

Authors Note- Ok. I did it. Finally finished my first ACOTAR fanfic. I have ideas for more but if anyone has some send them my way. Anyways. Enjoy

As the shadow dissapeared and you heard Rhys’s voice you knew you were out of time. You started to grab your stuff for a quick getaway, not that you could winnow but you could fly pretty fast. Figuring he’d be there any minute you decided that leaving out the back door would give you a few minute head start. That idea was shattered as he showed up less than 30 feet away from you, for a moment you just stood there looking at him and then you shot to the skies, your stuff be damned.

You had some idea of where you were going but what you really needed was to just get away from him. Everything you were feeling was too much. Why would he send his shadows after you, he didn’t care, he made that evident in the way that he has ignored you for the last month. You had been up here for awhile before he probably even realized that you weren’t around.

You spent one spare second to look behind you and there he was hot on your heels and trying to catch up to you and then you felt a tug. You didn’t know your sheilds were down for that long unless…

You shit straight up knowing he would follow, you stopped and waited, as he appeared tou yelled to him “How long?” The hot tears pooling in your eyes.

He just stared at you, not saying anything, when you focused on the bond you felt a mix of sadness and happiness and knew that these were not your feelings.

“I will let you know when I’m ready, if you ask anyone or send your shadows after me, you will regret it.” You said as you flew away and left him there in the cold air with nothing but the feeling of betrayal and hurt coursing through the bond.

He didn’t know what to do. After you left he returned to the cabin and looked around, your books and other belongings still scattered all over the place. He started gathering all of them up to take them back home, he knew you wouldn’t return here since he found you but he did think that having them in your room at the house of wind would be better.

In your collection of books he found a notebook, it seemed like a journal or diary and it seemed you had started it just before you apparently left home. He dropped onto the couch to start reading and he closed off the bond again, he didn't want you to know he was snooping and he was too scared that if he didn’t guard himself all his feelings would go down the bond to you.

As he started to read, his heart fell into his stomach. He didn’t realize that his actions had hurt you so much, he thought he was protecting you. He didn’t want to rush you into the bond but apparently all he did was push you away.

He got halfway through the notebook when he saw one of your few entries since you arrived at the cabin

“Ive been at the cabin for a while and everyone’s left me alone, which is good, but I can’t help to think of Azriel has noticed if I left or not. Regardless of how he’s treated me recently I still love him, I can’t help but love him and right now, I don’t know if I like how I feel about it. I know he’s my mate but I can’t keep taking the heartbreak.”

He dropped the notebook. You knew. You knew and you never told him. He couldn’t get mad because he had known for a long time too. He was cursing himself from guarding the bond for so long, he could have avoided this whole thing if he just stopped to talk to you. He picked up all of your stuff and returned to the house of wind, he needed to make a plan and try to get you to forgive him.

You flew until your wings ached, the lake you always loved was quiet and serene. You always came here when you needed to think it was a secret spot only you and one other knew of. You didn’t get much time to yourself before he showed up.

“So you wanna talk about it?” Cassian drawled out.

“Is there really any point” you stated flatly “And how did you know if even be here?”

“Well I was around when Azriel was questioning Rhys and when he left I knew if he found you this would be the place you’d escape to” he gave you a small smile “I’m surprised that you beat me here honestly, I thought you forgot about this place.”

“I could never. This place is so peaceful, I just haven’t had the time to fly out” you said with a sad smile. After bad missions you and Cassian would come here to let the steam out, fight, cry, or just sit there quiet. After he found out Nesta was his mate the two of you sat here on the waters edge for hours while he just sat there and thought about her.

“You know he loves you” Cassian said taking you out of your memories. Startled you just stared at him “yeah I figured you didn’t know, he’s loved you for a long time”

“He’s my mate.”

“I know.” She looked at him, surprise cascading across her face.

“How did you know?”

“I’ve known since it snapped in place for him. I picked up on the little changes and all the glances he passed your way. Dudes whipped.”

You were baffled. Azriel felt the same and knows of the bond. So many emotions were coursing through you and your one thought was to tug on that string of warmth that you’ve felt in your chest. When you tugged on the bond, you were created with nothing but cold and darkness.

“What if I messed it all up?” You ask your friend.

“I can guarantee that you didnt. Rhys has been threatening me to come back and get that man under control because he’s acting strange and his shadows are no where to be found.” He paused as he looked at you “Leta go home, you don’t have to talk to him about everything today but at least try to slowly let him in.”

All you responded with was a nod of your head. You didn’t know what you’d do but you decided that you’ll find out once you see him in person.

The flight back to the house of wind was a quiet one, you and Cassian landed in the balcony outside of the dinning room thinking nothing much would be going on. As you both started to walk in you noticed that all your favorite flowers were delicately decorating the dinning room, it wasn’t too much but there were little touches here and there. You froze as you hear the familiar footfall of a certain shadow singer, they stopped abruptly so you know he noticed you.

Before either of you could say a thing Cassian cleared his throat “So are you just gonna stare at each other or……”

“You better leave them alone or I’m gonna beat your ass during training tomorrow” you heard Nesta yell from the hallway. A small smile graced your face as Cassian shrugged and left the two of you.

“I’m sor-“

“I’m so sorry I have been an asshole that was never my intention, I don’t want to push you away” Azriel blurted cutting you off. “I didn’t want to pressure you into anything and I wanted you to make your own decisions, you’ve turned into such a strong female that I never wanted to dim that or make you feel less because I think you deserve the world”

He was talking so fast it took a minute for your brain to catch on to what he was saying. He’s noticed everything and remembered it, and liked you more because of what you accomplished.

“Take your shield off of the bond.” You stated flatly. You needed to know if what he was saying truly matched how he felt. “Take your shield off and then we can discuss it all.”

Within an instant you felt everything; love, worry, agony, hopefulness. He truly wanted this life with you. As you looked into his eyes they matched all the feelings you were feeling down the bond.

You slowly started approaching him, staying slow as to not scare him but he still stiffened his back not knowing what you were going to do. You stood right in front of him looking up at his eyes and feeling his breath mingle with yours, you were both breathing heavy with anticipation. You leaned up and kissed him on his cheek.

“There’s a lot we need to talk about” his eyes sank a little as you spoke “but I really want to figure this out with you. Just don’t keep anything hidden from me, you know you can just talk to me.” You finished with a smile on your face.

Azriel smiled instantly at your words and before you could process it he picked you up and spun you around. As he was holding you he leaned in and kissed you. You were very surprised at the immediate affection from him but you weren’t gonna fight it because you had been dreaming of this day since you met him.

As he set you down he pulled back and was about to apologize but then he noticed the blush on your cheeks that spread to your ears. “We can talk about everything and anything you want.” He said instead

“Oh really? Then how about you tell me how it went back at the camp I grew up in when you were there to settle things.” You asked with a mischievous look in your eyes.

“Ok anything but that” Azriel responded with a chuckle, and it was the most beautiful sound you ever heard.

Maybe you two could get over this and have a beautiful life together and by the cauldron you sure hoped so.

Tag list: @crazylokonugget @kalulakunundrum @mp-littlebit @hnyclover @nickishadow139 @isa1b2h3

#fanfic #azriel #azriel x reader #acotar #angst with a happy ending #azriel angst #first fic done

[gnnosis]

i have a theory about the bear & carmy’s artistic talent and no one else (that ive seen!) seems to be talking abt this. gotta get it out there so if it happens i can say i predicted it

carmy is going to leave the restaurant industry. we see time and time again that carmy is not happy in the industry, and maybe never has been. he’s traumatized by the fancy restaurant he worked at. he wanted to work at the beef, but only to be with mikey. he took over the beef because he (felt he) owed it to michael — and because he had the skills — not out of some great love of cooking. he only got to his level of skill out of a self-professed “fuck you” to mikey! carmy’s not happy. “this shit’s not fun for me,” he says to richie. make no mistake — he’s really, really good at it. but he’s not happy. the industry brings out the worst version of him, every single time. the stress of the kitchen turns him into the bear from the 1x01 opening, into his mother.

contrast this with syd and richie, tina, even marcus. even under stress, even with everyone yelling at each other, the kitchen brings out the best in them. they’ve improved their skill levels because they feel they owe it to themselves. richie thrives under the pressure of being a concierge, he’s a new man, he wears suits now. tina is a transformed person because she’s begun to believe in herself (and knows others believe in her). marcus (although thwarted by his own hyper-focus sometimes) delights in the craft of being a pâtissier, creates spectacular, thoughtful dishes — he flourishes.

and sydney. sydney, under stress, opening night, is throwing up in the bushes, like we know carmy did in a job that was Bad for him. but it’s not the stress of the job per se that’s getting to syd, but the pressure she’s put on herself to do well enough that her dad will see the bear as she sees it — her very own place in the industry she loves above all else, a place to practice her beloved craft, to take care of people, to pour everything she has into this one thing. it’s not the job making her physically sick, like it did carmy, it’s the pressure of showing how much she loves the job, of her dad thinking she’s doing well enough to deserve to love and devote herself to it as much as she is. and in the kitchen, under pressure, with carmy locked in the fridge, syd doesn’t panic, doesn’t yell and scream — not really. she collaborates with richie, delegates as necessary, steps up — and leads. she shines.

carmy as a chef is doing what he’s good at, performing the skills he’s cultivated. it might be the only thing he feels he’s good at. it’s all he’s ever really known. but it’s not healthy. it’s killing him. it’s ruining his relationships with everyone important to him. he needs to get out.

i predict that sydney and richie will take over the bear. probably with nat’s help behind the scenes. they love it. it gives them purpose. it makes them thrive.

and carmy… will go to visual arts school. (or simply become an artist. do people still do art school these days? if so… like… he could do worse than SAIC)

i don’t think the show has been dropping all these references to carmy’s artistic talent for no reason. the pants he designed (thom browne’s!), the drawings of claire they mention and then flash during his panic attack, the speculative drawing of the bear he gifts michael in 2x06, and the menu drawings that sydney gushes over. the painting he hates that’s hung in the restaurant? could you do a better one, carm?? in the future, will that get replaced with one of yours, carm??? his artistic talent is lingered on too much to not be indicating something about what carmy really loves. a talent he innately has but doesn’t seem to realize the depth of. what he’d spend his time doing absently before he got caught up in the rat race of the restaurant industry. he talks about art like it’s something he’s compelled to do, like it’s something he loses himself in. a flow state.

carmy can flourish too. it’s just that he’s going to need to go somewhere else to do it.

#if it happens i predicted it. if it doesn’t happen……it was still a good idea #the bear #the bear meta #the bear theories #the bear theory #the bear season 3 #the bear season two #the bear season 2 #the bear analysis #sydney adamu #carmy berzatto #richie jerimovich #carmen berzatto #the bear fishes #sydcarmy #syd x carmy #long post

[parrythisucasual]

HmmMmmMM I’ve had this idea for a bit basically Jax would have his like go to pranks be ones involving bugs so obviously he tries to screw around with the reader not knowing they actually really like bugs and ending up finding it cute or whatever. I’d just imagine him being utterly confused or concerned lmao

HERE WE GO TWO POSTS ONE WEEK???? ITS ALMOST AS IF IVE BECOME SLIGHTLY MORE BEARABLE!!!!!

JAX X Bug Enthusiast! Reader

Jax waited around the corner, snickering. Just a few moments ago, he’d slipped a few pincher beetles under your door. He eagerly awaited the scream of terror with perked ears and bated breath.

But… It never came. Jaax waited for almost twenty minutes, though it never came. He groaned, deciding you were probably too stupid to notice the bugs infesting your room, so he trudged back up the hallway to make sure you did.

He knocked, and your cheerful voice called back. That was odd, usually, you were depressed and apathetic all the time. “Come on in!” you had chirped at him. Jax shrugged, turning the kob and entering- only to be faced with you laying belly down on your bed, kicking your legs up. With the beetles. In your bed. Just… crawling around.

You smile up at Jax, “These are my new pets. This is Dave the Magical Cheese Wizard, and that’s Suction Cup,” your grin bears the satisfaction akin to that of a Gen Z teenager that made a popular shitpost. He stared blankly at you, almost in a state of shock. 

You reached out to Dave, rubbing his shell a bit. He flexed his pincers but did not attempt to pinch you. You seemed thoroughly happy, although it was a relaxed sort of excitement. Happily content, perhaps? You glance back at Jax, “Thank you for them,” you speak slyly, “I knew you were the one to do it.” 

“How did you know it was me?” he raised a brow, surely you couldn’t have known. “Partly the knowledge you’ve done similar to Ragatha. But mostly your footsteps,” you respond, as if it had been clear the whole time, “Everyone walks differently. And in a few different ways,” you continue. He frowns, only more questions appearing in his mind.

“Really? You recognize everyone?” You shrug, “Well, Gangle is too light, I can't hear at all, and Kinger is hard to hear because he slides. But I can tell from the rest.” Jax nodded, then steered off of that conversation, now more interested in you keeping the bugs.

“I put these in here to freak you out,” he reminded, “And you like them?” You nod, picking up Sucion Cup, “I was in college for etymology,” you explain, rubbing the side of the bug’s pincer to demonstrate how much you trusted it, “bugs are a passion of mine.” Jax gives a small grin, “Really?”

You chuckle a bit, “Yeah, a lot of people think it’s gross and lame.” He shakes his head, “Nah, its totally cool. Bugs are freaky. Its cute how much you like it,” hes waving his hand. You nod, “You think so?” You smile at his nod and begin rambling about the beetles.

A few minutes later, your brain finally loaded what he’d said, “Wait, you think it’s cute?” you question, disbelieving. Jax’s face grew a bit darker, and your brain skipped forward again. Oh. OH. You’d first though he meant you were cute like a puppy, now you’re realizing you were very wrong.

“I don’t know, maybe? I guess so?” he tried to play it off, acting so casual about it. You merely blink, “Me? You like me?” He doesn’t respond, now avoiding eye contact. “Holy s*1t! You like me!” You couldn’t believe it. Your embarrassment finally joined the party, causing you to scoot backward, in a flustered mess. The situation was incredibly tense.

“Well yeah, yeah a little,” you being so flustered seemed to help him regain confidence, “I mean yes, I do. And it’d be pretty cool if you wanted to talk more or something?” he was struggling, but you were entirely ensnared by his awkward attitude. When he wasn’t being so fake, or at least when you could see through it, he was really sweet. You snort, smiling as you relax a bit.

“A date? Yeah, I’d like that.” He’s stunned as he looks into your face, his dumb grin having been wiped clean off, “Yeah? Yeah, okay, cool!” He perked up more, leaning in eagerly, “I’ll think of something really good, wait here,” he jumped up and hurried to the door, “Ill be back!” and disappeared.

You giggle, “Looking forward to it.”

#tadc #jax #tadc jax #tadc x reader #jax x reader #the amazing digital circus #tadc jax x reader #the amazing digital circus jax

[jinkookspencil]

hi! ive read your one two drop jjk!! what if y/n actually kind of like you know scary thing. like all the rides are actually fun but the thing is she doesn’t have a friend who want to do this with her so then jk is there ehhehe

shall we? | jjk

with no one to go on all the rides with, your friend encourages you to take a bold decision at a theme park...

description/tw/tags: ~1.9k words / jungkook x (f) reader / one-shot drabble / fluff / meet-cute / no warnings except swearing / feat jimin it made most sense to give them both a friend / happy, laughing jk!! i saw his recent weverse post and my heart hurts for him - i wish him nothing but happy happy days :( / i hope this is what you meant, anon, and i really hope you like it!!! thank you so much for requesting and for reading one two drop! / sorry for calling jk the bigger boy and jimin the shorter one - i'm kinda short myself so i didn't mean it in a teasing way! / ahhh idk how i feel about this one idk if i love it but i hope you like it anon / feedback is always welcome and it's appreciated!💗

There were many unspoken rules in life. Don’t propose at someone else’s wedding. Let people get off the elevator before you get in. Always pour in the milk after the cereal…

And, when planning an outing to a theme park, let your friend know whether you are a ride person or not.

Ki, your only friend at university, showed nothing but excitement when you suggested going to the theme park over the weekend. It was only natural that you expected her to be down to go on the rides with you… but when you see her in a flowy pink dress, white lace-up boots, and a beret, you quickly realize that that wasn’t the case.

“Looking very cute. But how are you going to go on any rides in that?” you question the moment you spot her by the park’s entrance, ignoring the fact that you'd coincidentally perfectly coordinated, considering your lavender jumpsuit.

“Who said anything about rides? There’s that new Sanrio pop-up with all the photo ops. I thought that’s why you suggested it.”

“I meant that as a bonus, Ki. So, what, are we gonna come back for the rides another day then?”

“Well… we can come back for something else. I hate rides, bestie, so you’ll have to go alone.”

“Oh, come on,” you pout, stopping dead in your tracks. “Just one ride.”

“They make me nauseous, boo. Even the kiddie ones. Sorry, I guess I should’ve told you, huh?”

“You guess?” you resign, briefly forgetting your disappointment until it actually sinks in during your walk around the park, when all you could do is merely look at all the rides after snapping photos at every single Sanrio-themed spot.

“I hate you for not telling me,” you utter beneath your breath, the roar of a passing rollercoaster cart right afterward only emphasizing your frustration.

“I said I was sorry! You can go alone, you know? I’ll wait.”

“What fun is that?” you sulk. “You, as my one friend, outweigh every other person I’ve ever known in my life in every regard but this…. I’ve never hated you until today, boo, because you and I both know I can’t just ask someone else.”

“Wait, no…. you can! Just do that!” she suggests excitedly, stopping.

“Do what?”

“Just… ask someone else. A stranger. I mean…. it’ll be very easy to find someone willing to go on a ride… you know, at a theme park. Would that be weird? If you just went up to someone and asked them?”

“It would definitely be weird, you freakish extrovert. Who’d do that?"

"Us? What difference does it make, whether it's a ride or a dance at a club? I know you've only just begun understanding my ways and finally tried approaching men at clubs, but... there's really no difference."

"It is different. A theme park is like... a date place. It's not just a dance."

"Well, both instances can involve a ride," she winks, laughing as you roll your eyes.

"I'd never go with a stranger anyways. There's no excitement there. Unless it was with a hot guy,” you joke.

“… And I’m sure a guy would be just as happy to go on a ride with a hot girl, too, boo.”

Ki goes on, seeing your eyes widen.

“If a hot guy came up to you and asked you, would you say yes?”

“Depends how hot…” you tease, “but yeah, I think I would. Why not?”

“Exactly! ‘Why not?’… Aren’t adventurous types your thing? Be it for a change. Think about it: if you’d say yes, why can’t it work the other way around? Provided he isn’t scared or prone to motion sickness like me…. Why would a single, fun guy refuse to go on a ride with a hot girl? And you’re a gorgeous girl who is usually sunshine in human form..... except for the last dreadful, moping hour. I’m sick of it. Find a hot guy, a ride, and get out of this funk already.” Ki’s eyes light up at her own suggestion. For the first time in her life… she might’ve been on to something….

“I just pick a guy? At random?”

“What do you have to lose?”

-

Finding someone in a sea full of teenagers and couples took longer than usual. Waiting around ride exits, entrances, and photo kiosks were all futile attempts at your now lame mission. that you’d huffed your way to the pretzel stand. You might as well eat something sweet and fluffy if you couldn’t find a guy you could describe with those words… You were a step away from cinnamony, twisty goodness when two figures whizz between you and the pretzel stand.

“YA! Jimin-hyung! You have to!” you hear, your eyes fixated on the chase unfolding in front of you when you realize it wasn’t a chase between two children but rather two grown men.

“Exactly! I am your hyung! Stop making me do this shit, or the next time, I’ll throw up on you,” the smaller man responds, darting ahead of the larger one, the both of them running loops around the pretzel stand until the shorter one jumps over a nearby bench, hiding behind it. "I know you're fucking strong enough to lift me and force me into doing it, so for God's sake, just stop, Jungkook-ah. I'll let you talk to me informally for a whole month if you don't make me do this."

The bigger man yields, stopping, seemingly to catch his breath, only to burst into a fit of laughter instead when the smaller one marches over to him, playfully hitting him with a plushie and scolding him between his low giggles as well. The few people gathered around had looked away at that point, brushing it off once they’d realized it wasn’t an actual fight… except for you.

You couldn’t. The sound tugged at your heartstrings. That loud, unstoppable, joyous laugh unlike any you’d ever heard in your entire life. And now that the taller man stood still and you could finally take a good look at him. He was big, which you’d noticed immediately, with a frog-eyed headband that somehow stayed on his head throughout the chase, adorning his long locks. Laughing heartily, almost out of breath, the shorter man beside him jokingly punched at his huge muscles… which were decorated with a vibrant collage of tattoos.

Ki gasps right beside you. “Oh, isn’t he so your ty-”

“He is. He really fucking is….” you whisper, in awe of the huge man with the frog-eyed headband.

“Look, it’ll end in one of two ways - you either will or won’t go on a ride with... the man of your dreams. He’s the hottest guy we’ve seen so far, and… tattooed, jacked... A man but happy like a kid... Damn, is he your type… You can’t pass this up. Still, if he turns out to be an idiot and says no, just look for another one. There are thousands of people here, and his friend is really cute too. Maybe even better, actually, damn.”

The man was still laughing. It was adorable.

“No, no… I want the smiley boy who can���t stop laughing… The one with the stuffed animal in his hands and that cute little matching headband. And the camera strap around his neck. The happy boy, boo. You know I like happy boys.… He's per- I… I want him.”

“I can see it in your eyes, freak. But remember, he's just a man. No difference between him and the others... even though he really does look custom-made for you.”

Frozen in your spot, you watch the man’s laugh fade away into a wide, bunny-toothed smile. Good God.

“Go. Go, boo. Now.”

Ki, ever the flirt, does what she always does whenever either of you spots someone you might be interested in - pushing you slightly until you’ve no choice but to reach her planned destination for you. Turning back was never an option. You knew better - if you attempted it, she’d just drag you back herself. A mere couple of steps away, the reflexed confidence you’d felt bubbling up from similar nights she encouraged you quickly fades away when the man is right in front of you. Though you’d only been a short distance away, he was bigger, happier, louder, and much more attractive up close. He wasn't the most attractive man you'd seen that day but... in your entire life. And when he blinks in your direction, noticing your sudden presence, you finally come back to Earth.

“Hi. Uhm, hello. This is a bit weird, but would you like to go on this rollercoaster with me?” you ask in a rush, gesturing to the attraction right behind him. “I’m here with a friend who doesn’t like rides and…”

The man’s wide smile remained on his face. It was hard not to get distracted.

“…and I thought I’d ask someone who seemed fun, unlike her.”

“What made you think I was fun?” he asks, his tone serious, despite the smile on his face.

“Well… you're standing right in front of the ride, and that little chase you guys did. It was funny.... and cute.”

“Cute?” he asks, his eyebrows raised in shock. If you weren't mistaken, somehow, his smile grew even wider.

“Yeah,” you reply, sure your expression matched his. With a reaction like that... He was either down for it or would reject you kindly... What did you have to lose? "Yeah, cute."

“How did you know he’s not afraid?” his friend interrupted. You’d forgotten the shorter man’s entire existence.

“Oh well, I assumed. Hot guys aren’t afraid of rides.” It was a weird theory you held, in line with your type and your own dating and crush history. You almost regret blurting it out, but it only sends the man into another laughing fit while his friend glared at the both of you.

“Thank you… Thank you for that - he was getting a little too confident,” the tattooed man laughs.

“For the record - I don’t hate all rides, just heights. He forced me to go on that drop ride. I feel sick, and he wants me to go on another one! That’s why... that stupid chase and that ridiculous laugh of his. He’s laughing at his friend’s misery if that’s your definition of ‘fun’ too.”

“Oh, sorry. I meant no disrespect,” you laugh, seeing the shorter man angrily and adorably all riled up.

“No, don’t worry, we know,” the hot guy adds, wiping tears of laughter away from his face, and luckily, the shorter man concurs, waving it off with a smile.

"So I hear you wanted to go on that ride too?" you ask.

“I’d… I’d love to,” the man states. Now that he’s composed himself, you could make out the rosiness in his cheeks - the happy crinkles by his eyes remained. “I’d really love to go with you. God knows I need someone cool too.” He side-eyes his friend at the comment, fiddling with the stuffed frog toy in his hands before continuing. “But hyung's cowardice is not the only reason I want to... Maybe I’ll win you one of these too later?”

The shorter man rolls his eyes, playfully punching the stuffed frog. “You have a name, tough guy?”

“Oh, sorry,” the man replies, outstretching his hand when he finally looks back at you with that same sweet smile. “My name is Jungkook.” You shake his hand and introduce yourself, noticing how nice his also tattooed hand felt…

“And I’m Jimin,” the shorter man says snarkily before continuing on. “Didn’t you say you were here with a friend? Can we hang out and gossip about you while you both go on that death trap? It’ll be nice to hang out with a sane person. I promise we’ll pray for your survival too.”

“Yeah, she’s here, but… I don’t spot her. Let me text her.”

[to: ki-ttycat]: hoe where are you? hot guy is up for it. going now!!!! but his friend is here and wants to hang out with you.

[from: ki-ttycat] are you fr?? the cutie? omgggggggggggggg running.

[from: ki-ttycat] go go have fun make sure to ride him too later.

“She’s coming,” you say with a giggle, pointing towards Ki, who you spot darting towards you with a fresh bucket of popcorn in her hands.

“Oh wow,” Jimin says under his breath when he spots her. “Go, you two. I’m done with Jungkook, that’s for sure. Y/N, you take care. The both of you. Go on all the rides if you want. We - hopefully - won’t be waiting.”

Jungkook rolls his eyes before looking back at you with a smile.

“Shall we?”

#bts fanfiction #bts fanfic #bts one shot #bts fluff #bts drabble #jungkook one shot #jungkook oneshot #jungkook fanfic #jungkook scenario #jungkook scenarios #jungkook drabble #jungkook fic #jungkook fluff #jungkook fanfiction #jeon jungkook x reader #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #request #anon request #bts scenario #bts scenarios

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

npd culture is finally getting a partner that cares about you and shows it and fills all of your emotional needs and is just absolutely perfect and feeling like u dont deserve it bc u are a narcissist and u are somehow going to fuck it up again or they are going to get to know u and then not like u anymore because they liked u better when u were wearing ur mask more around them, and they will start disliking u after u let down that mask more and more

i feel like im going to fuck it up somehow. i dont know how i deserve them because ive never had someone show this much open affection and interest in me in my life. i feel like theyre just going to suddenly just go “Psych! i actually dont like u at all” and then ill be alone again

and then i guess npd/bpd comorbidity culture is also realizing u have not even known them that long and u should not be getting this attached so soon because everyone uve ever loved like this pulls away because of it and u wonder how long it will be until ur brain fucks it up & turns u against urself and u get Weird

ive never fucked up before but im really scared that im going to. i dont want to because it doesnt even feel real sometimes. like it’s just too perfect??? idk. im really happy

.

#npd culture is #npd + bpd culture is #npd #actually narcissistic #actually npd #narcissistic personality disorder #cluster b #bpd #borderline personality disorder

[lordstormageddidnt]

@cha0ticlesbian had this question on my last post:

Hi! Genuine question, I’m new to supernatural (I’m on season 4) and I can definitely see what people mean about dean and cas and obviously I know about the confession scene but I’m confused if it’s true that deans feeling are “up to interruption” or if he just doesn’t like him back? Also I’ve seen some people saying he’s like homophobic? Ive just really confused and dean is my favorite so I wanna know lol

So let's talk about that. Are Dean's feelings up to interpretation?

Simply put, yes.

Basically, in s15e18 "Despair", when Cas is giving his whole "I love you" speech, Dean doesn't say very much. At random intervals, he gives NPC-type comments* like "Why does this sound like a goodbye?" and "Don't do this, Cas". He does not ever say "I love you too" (unless you're watching the Spanish dubbed version, where he says exactly that).

On the surface, I know my friends (who only get their spn info from me holding them hostage in my discord server), took issue with the line "don't do this". They kind of read it as Dean not respecting Cas in Cas's final moments-- in their eyes, Dean didnt want Cas to confess because he's uncomfortable with Cas's feelings. But the speech isn't about Dean-- it's about Cas giving himself permission to be happy.

That line of thinking plus the past allegations of Jensen Ackles being homophobic is usually where people get the idea that Dean is homophobic. From what I can see, the "Dean is homophobic" is mostly part of the meme of the scene in general, and not something most people actually believe, but some people do genuinely believe he is homophobic. This belief is also supported by Dean's hypermasculine personality in general and the comments he makes; we never once see him outwardly homophobic to any of the openly queer SPN characters, but especially in earlier seasons, he makes jokes (like Sam being a girl because he has long hair) that you would expect someone homophobic to say.

I do think homophobic Dean a valid interpretation, but the logic kind of ignores some of the context of the scene.

For one, there's a moment after the confession where Dean gets a call from "Cas" (it's Lucifer) telling him that Cas is outside the Bunker and needs to be let out. Dean breaks into a sprint to get to the door, and I think this action speaks louder than words (or, lack thereof). Whether or not Dean reciprocates, he cares about Cas as a friend and he wants Cas to be alive again.

For two, when it comes to "don't do this", the more common interpretation is that Dean doesn't want Cas to sacrifice himself. Again, Cas starts the speech by explaning that he will die during his happiest moment, and then transitions into saying that confessing his love to Dean is his happiest moment. Dean doesn't want Castiel to defeat Billie by sacrificing himself.

As a destiel shipper, my interpretation of this scene is a slight variation of the previous one. In my general view of SPN, Dean has known he's in love with Cas since at least s11, and he's known Cas has loved him back for a while, but he's just never felt like it was the right time to start a relationship (constant apocalypses and everything) and he's worried that he'll screw it up. In my head, when he says "don't do this", it means more like "don't do this [love confession like this]". Like, Dean doesn't want their first ILYs* to be marred by the fact that Cas is sacrificing himself.

So, last question-- how do people read the scene as Dean liking Cas back when he never verbally reciprocates?

Some people see Dean's silence as him either not liking Cas back or not realizing he likes Cas back yet, but there's another option here. The reason Cas is dying is because he believes this is his happiest moment. His speech outright states that he believes Dean does not love him back ("the one thing I want is the thing I cannot have"). It's totally possible that Dean reciprocates, but in his mind, saying that really would trigger Cas's happiest moment. There are some great fix-it fics built on the premise of "Dean insults the sht outta Cas to spoil Cas's happiest moment and stop him from being taken by the Empty".

* okay last point. I wasn't sure where to insert this but I think it's insanely interesting. The scene in s15e18 is not actually the first time Cas tells Dean he loves him. In s12, there is an episode where Cas believes he is dying, and he says the line "I love you. I love all of you" to the small crowd of Dean, Sam, and Mary. NPC behavior from Dean ensues as he insists Cas isn't going to die without ever acknowledging the "I love you". The common interpretation is that the first ILY is for Dean, and the second ILY is Cas speaking to the Winchesters as a whole. Do with that as you will lol

Anyway, that's all I got :D thank you for the opportunity to rant about supernatural and feel free to ask me if you have any other questions!

#alfie #tayclown #destiel #supernatural #dean winchester #castiel's deal with the empty #red string era

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey Cas! So I'm a queer teenage girl, but I'm homeschooled, so I have no clue if my friends would be accepting or not. There has never been an opportunity to bring up LGBTQIA+ rights, to see how they react , and I know for sure that at least one of my friends has no clue what gay people even are, because I mentioned that I could ship Sirius and Remus, and she said "Wait, but they're both dudes? And dudes cut marry each other?" But not even in a homophobic way, she was legit confused. Ive only told two people. The first is my BFF, who've I've known since I was 5 days old. She was the first person I told. I've also told my mom, and she's been super supportive, but I don't know how or when to tell my dad. He has a gay brother, but the relationship there is pretty much none (My uncle just moved away and never visits) , so I don't know how hell react. I was thinking of writing a letter, but I don't think that would work.

I'm know I'm attracted to multiple genders, because even before I knew what sexualities were, I wrote a story about two lesbian spies. I also get that happy feeling when I see queer people out in public. I have fantasized about both men and women before, so I do know I'm attracted to both men and women (And possibly non-binary people), but I don't know if that makes me Bi, or Omni, or Pan?

Oh, and I LOVE your blog. I get so exited when I see you post something, because Microfics are the perfect length for my ADHD brain to actually focus on. I hope you have a great gay!

P.S. Drink some water :)

Hi! <3

I'm so glad your mom is supportive!

For your friends, I'd try to warm them up to the idea a bit first, lol, especially since they genuinely don't know a lot. Bring up some queer ships, talk about LGBTQIA+ people in the media, that type of thing. Then ease into it.

As far as your dad, I think a letter is a great idea! It can be scary to tell someone big news like that, so getting all your thoughts down in a letter is super smart. It also gives him time to think about his reactions.

As far as your sexuality, have you researched each of those identities? They're very similar (though different in some ways as well), so it might help to look them up and really think about which one makes the most sense to you. Also remember that you're young, and you don't necessarily need to label yourself! Knowing who you're attracted to is a great start! As you get older and start dating more and more, you'll start to realize your preferences and it'll help you figure that out as well.

Let me know if you ever need to talk!

(Also I am naming all the anons who write to me in case they want to write in the future, and I am using a random positive affirmation generator to do so. So I dub thee: sincere anon. Enjoy your free tag!)

(also you made me drink water. so rude 😋)

#ask #asks #ask cas #sincere anon

[cosmictulips]

Happy Birthday to meee and what I've learned as I turn 26 lol

I thought long and hard about how i wanted to come on here and proclaim it's my birthday. i write daily in a journal and... well, i realized that there are certain things I had wished I had known about life before i went through them. because to be fair, you don't...really expect to go through them. and I know i have younger followers. and i know that perhaps in this life, you won't go through what I did. but I'd like to share them anyway.

alsoooo... if you guys wanna help me get my own birthday present and help me get concert tickets to a show ive been waiting for since i was 14..that would be cooolllll lolol. (it's like 50 bucks) so yea let's... talk about it.

from Star Commander, to Cadet.

My dearest Star Cadet,

the biggest thing I wish someone told me is that Healing will often make you feel hollow, alone and uncared for. it'll make you question why the world put you in that position to begin with and often times you will just have to accept that the world is cruel. and sometimes, we are merely victims of circumstance.

You'll have to swallow your pride a lot and people will often take your voice from you. and no matter how much you push, sometimes the world just doesn't want to hear it from you . and you'll have to be okay with that too.

No one told me love was so fucking hard. to this day I still don't understand it. it's so easy for me to love people, and people always seem to have the hardest time loving me. No one told me that with each argument, people let go a little more. not everyone wants to see the "bad" emotions. not everyone cares.

Love fades sometimes. but that doesn't mean love wasn't there to begin with. it just means it has to change to something new. something different. and that includes both love inside of yourself and outside.

Even when you're right, you're still wrong. there's always something to learn in a given situation. and being humble about it will often help you see the other side. But also, you shouldn't be afraid to get cocky. you should express your emotions and let others see you for who you are. emotion is what connects us. and living in a society that shames for you it, is only doing more harm than good. so get loud and proud. or be quiet and humble. express who you are. you have the right to.

Just... understand the consequences ;)

That being said... people are cruel. unintentionally and intentionally. they'll tell you one day they love you but then a month later demand that you leave because you're crazy. people will literally light the match to your hell and then wonder why you can't lower the flame.

and when you do finally free yourself and you see all the ash, they'll try to gaslight you. try to help you again. don't fall for it like I have time and time again. they never change Star Cadet. they never will.

Things always get better. this time last year or so I was contemplating.. dying. to keep it short. I knew things would get better eventually but I've been saying that my whole life. things are not stable by any means but... at least now I'm not on the street.

no matter how small the change is, it always gets better.

Exercise may suck some ass for those of us who aren't really active. but really learning how to do a particular exercise or sport makes it a hell of a lot more fun and is a lot more enjoyable. I didn't think I'd ever like sports or working out but then i was actually taught some things and now I actually enjoy doing it.

that being said, walking will get you far as well. you don't need anything fancy to get started or ... to just do. walking helps. a lot.

The relationship with yourself is weird. weirder than relationships with other people. it's never a straight line. you'll yell at yourself, cry for yourself and be your own parent. and you have to be. you need to take care of yourself. and that's not always a happy ice cream filled day. sometimes it's sitting in your bedroom crying and other days it's being angry at yourself.

always always always trust what your gut is telling you. if you feel for a second that something is off, trust it. I didn't, and for years people abused me. and I always knew but I tried to look at it differently. Don't fucking do it. people show themselves in more ways than one. and if you hear alarm bells in your head, run the first time. trust me, you're not missing out on much.

Dreams! ... I had such big dreams for my future and no one told me that sometimes those dreams just don't work. no one told me just how much money dreams would cost and if you didn't get that helping hand, it's going to be even harder.

my dreams have somewhat changed. and I had to heal a big part of myself because I learned that i just wasn't meant for one of them. a part of me will always be bitter because maybe if I just had more money it would've helped. but now that I look back at it, the signs were all there.

It's okay to mourn lost dreams. it's okay to mourn the "What if's" and the things that will never be. just... don't let it slow you down. walk fiercely into your new dreams. I did, and I'm much happier for it. I found my people. I found you guys through it.

and I don't think I would've had I stuck to the first dream and not be adaptable.

And that's my last thing for you guys,

be adaptable. life comes at ya fast. and no matter how stubborn you are.. it will force you to change. whether you go peacefully or not, that's up to you. i've done it in every which way and trust me, just go with it the first time you see a change coming.

ALSO. spiritual shit is hard. learning to be intuitive and waking up that part of yourself. it takes years. some of us are lucky to have it more open as children and just naturally. but the rest of us have to work on it. don't doubt yourself though. your journey is your journey and you'll look back at it someday and realize just how far you have come.

think of your journey as ... like... school. it took you years and years to understand math or whatever your native language is. and your spiritual journey is really... just the same.

as always. be kind to yourself. the world is already cruel enough to you as it is.

#happy birhday to meee #and this blog I suppose lol

[definitelynotshouting]

heya i just wanted to tell you how genuinely important your arospec scarian thing is to me

the line "He's not sure what he wants, what's expected of him here" has just helped me solve a tiny crisis i've been having for the past month+ and on one hand i can't believe a fic about blockmen kissing is helping me figure this out but on the other hand im thinking of course it was your writing that helped me realize what is happening in my little feelings hole

anyway, just wanted to say thank you for how real and beautiful your writing is

sincerely, an aro/ace person who's feeling a little more okay about their crisis because you're an awesome human

HEY ANON,,,,, THIS IS SO SWEET WTF..... holy shit im literally speechless. I dont even remotely know what to say to such a genuine and heartfelt message, except that i am so, so happy ive managed to help you like this with my writing

Writing the arospec stuff was really interesting for me, personally, because thats an aspect of myself ive never really... set out much space to think about??? Ive known for a while that im probably demiromantic, considering how close i have to be with people before i can even begin to catch feelings, but ive never truly and consciously explored that within my writing before until now. And the fact that finally doing so has helped someone with a personal crisis really makes me so teary-eyed like hello...... oh my gods.

Thank you for taking the time to tell me this, and im so glad ive managed to help out despite being a virtual stranger. That novelty is never gonna wear off for me. I hope you're having a good day, anon❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ take care of yourself!! :]

#shouting speaks #asks #compliments #LITERALLY ABT TO CRY /POS THIS IS SO SWEET AND KIND AND IM JUST AUAUGHHH #i am very much a Helper™ in that i try very hard to support everyone in my life in any way i can #so like. man. knowing im Helping strangers somehow with my writing thats like. everything to me #cannot stress enough just HOW much it means to me #also like... man its weird isnt it #bc i DO feel romantic attraction but its just SO different from how everyone else says they experience it #for me its this conscious and informed choice #i love all the people in my life dearly and very fiercely but when i go into a romantic relationship #its always with an element of ''well im curious lets see what happens'' and choosing to try it out with someone i like #i find a certain comfort in the closeness and intimacy but i find EQUAL comfort in the closeness and intimacy of my platonic relationships #its real telling i think that i have a partner of going on.... 4 years now???? and two platonic relationships in the same household #that have been going on for even longer #smth smth the comfort of finding people you want to spend the rest of your life with regardless of romantic or platonic feelings #smth smth found family. im incredibly lucky to have made this one #anyway. wjfnejfnjd explodes #txt

[fanficsforheartandsoul]

A Wolf’s Heart | [Deglan x M!Reader] | The Witcher | Part I

Notes: I found Deglan super attractive when watching the witcher movie so I’m glad that people are interested in him! Thank you for this request! 😊 

I also apologize for taking so long for this request (it’s been months I’m so sorry) and making this overly angsty. I get the feeling I can’t write anything else. I apologize if this is not what you expected, maybe I should do a warning tag that I can only write stories with angst. But hey, there’s a happy ending so no worries, right...? xD

Fandom: The Witcher

Warnings: Original Characters, Swearing, Depression, Angst, Slight OOC, Non-Canon Story, Century Typical Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Spiraling, Injuries, Self-Concious Reader, Misunderstandings

Summary: The life of a witcher is ruled by two things. Coin and monsters. Yet when Y/N looks at his mentor both fade into the background and a third variable enters the picture... But witchers don’t have it easy with love. And Y/N doesn’t seem to be an exception

Word Count: 4,773

Taglist: @thatsequoia​

If you want to be tagged in my stories send me a pm with the fandom/character name! Or comment on the fic :)

Note 2: I just realized that you wrote “recently became a witcher” and I totally messed that part up I’m so sorry 0.o I hope you don’t mind the change! Since witchers have a pretty long life span, I decided that their training ends around the age of twenty something. So the reader is an adult (in our terms not the middle ages) when he becomes a full witcher. I invented quite a lot of stuff for this story so the non-canon in the description is really necessary xD

Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI, Part VII

Masterlist

Please note that The Witcher is supposed to be around the Middle-Age. Homophobia existed and is addressed in this story, if you potentially get triggered please do not continue to read!

Additionally, please read the warnings as they change in some parts of the story

Y/N was different from the common folk. 

As far as he was aware, not everyone had to pass harsh trials, risk his life with alchemical experiments and turn into a mutant with superhuman abilities, magical powers and the added side-effect of not being able to reproduce. 

Aside from those obvious witcher affairs and the whole baggage that came with them, however, there was one more thing that was different about him. It wasn’t something he hated, no, not at all, it just made him lonely. 

Loneliness had been part of a witcher’s life for hundreds of years, it was no surprise then that it was also part of Y/N’s. However, unlike others in his school, he had known that feeling since birth. Therefore, he was no stranger to it and it did not bother him up until a certain point in his adult life. But then... Well...

Y/N did not like the idea of visiting the many brothels of the land because he could not find comfort and pleasure there. In fact, they reminded him of his difference. A man like him would most likely never find happiness in those places, much less in another person, and certainly not in a woman.

But before he actually realized that, he had hopes and dreams.

He hoped, and he dreamed, and he loved.

Everything began when he was just a young boy with big dreams in the school of the Wolf. Big dreams that one could shatter easily...

“Damn, how many hours have passed now? I cannot feel my arms anymore!”, cursed Fenri, supporting his hands on his knees to take a breather. Cole checked their surroundings before he lowered his steel sword and sat on one of the meager patches of grass in the courtyard. 

The sun shone directly on his face and the keep’s high walls created long shadows on the ground. They had been training for hours now and Deglan had yet to come and tell them to stop.

Their group consisted of 8 boys who had miraculously survived the trials of Grasses and they had been in the school for around 3 years now and therefore knew how shit worked in the school’s keep. 

Consequently, it was a normal occurrence for the witcher to leave their training unsupervised, while he checked on the lessons of the younger ones. But despite his absence, he always seemed to sense when they were slacking off. 

And that often happened when their younger friend Wendir was with them. The boy was originally part of a younger group but he was the only survivor during the trials of the Grasses and due to his fate, he would often train with them, although he was known to tempt the other boys to take a break. He was unexpectedly lazy for a witcher apprentice.

Yet, this time the boys did not fear Deglan’s wrath because they were accompanied by their friend Y/N, who had finally recovered from his last alchemical experiments.

If Deglan ever discovered their break, the older one would save them from his harsh punishments. They could trust Y/N due to the many experiences they had shared and the times he had saved them selflessly during their trials. Therefore, they rested their sore bodies for a while.

Said youth was currently wiping the sweat from his forehead, although he did not look nearly as exhausted as the rest of them. His breathing was shockingly even for the fact that they had just swung their swords 1000 times at straw puppets.

However, this was not a surprise at all for any of the boys.

Y/N was the oldest among them, he had the most fighting experience and he also underwent the most additional experiments. The scars and muscles on his lean body were proof of that. Y/N's stamina and capabilities were already beyond a child of his age, which gave him quite a few admirers but also rivals.

The blond Fenri followed Y/N's gaze across the courtyard. He was once again staring at Tristan - one of the young witchers who took care of the new brats. He did not know why Y/N seemed to always gaze at the black-haired man with an unreadable expression but it had reached a point where it annoyed him to death. So he opened his gob and said words he would regret for years in the future:

“You know if you continue to stare, someone might start to think you fancy the man.”

Fenri’s comment made the other guys focus on him, their laboured breathing hindered them from asking questions though. Yet Y/N, the person he addressed did not pay him any attention. His yellow eyes did not even move an inch away from Tristan’s form. 

“What do you mean?”, asked Cole breathlessly. 

“One might think Y/N is in love with Tristan.” 

Fenri watched the oldest of their group closely to see any kind of reaction from his words and the corner of his lips twitched when he saw how the h/c haired boy straightened his back and turned towards him, a contemplative expression on his face. 

“What’s wrong with that?”, asked Barmin, curiously staring at his friend.

Seven pairs of eyes looked at him expectantly and Fenri had to pause for a second. He did not exactly know how to answer that question but it was not like he was spouting lies. His mother told him when he was younger and still lived with his family. It was just wrong.

“You cannot be in love with a man," he responded confidently. “Men love women, women love men, that is the law of nature. Men loving men is... gross.” 

The boys did not look convinced and while he tried to find a better response to why love between two men was wrong, the blond noticed that Y/N focused his attention on their training again, he raised his dull training blade about to swing at one of the straw puppets once more. 

Fenri frowned in annoyance. It seemed as if he could never truly rattle the older boy he considered his rival. He crossed his arms in front of his chest. One day he would triumph over the other, whether that would be in a conversation or battle.

Robin and Milan began to argue about his words and their voices got louder and louder now that they had regained their breaths. 

“Who said you cannot like another boy? Is it not just love?” 

“I have never liked another boy or been liked by one before! So it isn’t natural, it cannot be!” 

“That is just because you have a brain the size of mouse shit and a nose like a potato! No one would like you anyways, be it a girl or a boy!” 

“Fuck, what did you just say?! You want to fight?”

“As if you’d win against me!”

Their argument turned a few heads of passing witchers and students and Fenri sensed that if he did not stop them soon, they could expect an angry Deglan on their arses at any second. 

“Did you fools not listen to the talk of our seniors? They said themselves that we want to fuck broads left and right when we finish all of our experiments! Women NOT men!”

He hoped this argument was enough to silence them. He did not expect his teasing to initiate a fight. And judging by the eyes on his two friends who were at each other’s throats, they had been loud enough to draw attention. 

Luckily, they quickly shut their mouths when Cole stared at them disapprovingly. The boy looked somewhat like a scolding mother and it was very effective. Hopefully, they didn’t alert Deglan. Who knew where he was lurking...

The fact that he used rather crude words did not come to his mind until he heard someone clear his throat behind him and based on it, he knew exactly why everyone had turned dead silent and why Y/N had turned around and stared at him - or most likely at Deglan behind him who had mysteriously shown up out of nowhere.

“What a nice discussion you have during your training. Would you like some fucking tea served to it?” 

Fenri tensed and did not know if he should turn around or not. Before he could do anything though, Y/N stepped forward with his steel sword. Cole sighed in relief.

“No tea, sir,” was all the boy said when he changed his posture into a defensive stance, sword tip pointing at Deglan. He held his sword firmly in his hand, ready to distract their mentor from his friends like usual. 

Had Fenri turned around, he would have seen the glint of amusement in Deglan’s eyes, one that only showed when the h/c haired boy uselessly tried to cover for his friends by challenging the witcher to a fight. Even now he tried it even though he caught them red-handed while they slacked off.

Deglan and everyone else knew Y/N would always lose - the fool himself knew - he was just a brat after all, but Deglan found it amusing that the boy tried again and again. His desperate attempts of creating a diversion amused him greatly.

The witcher saw through it every time, yet he never punished the boy, nor his friends too harshly. 

Deglan found Y/N’s protective spirit commendable and it impressed him every time how fast he came up with new fighting tactics. Furthermore, the injuries that the boy sustained in each fight were probably punishment enough. 

“Ready for round 24? Or is it 25?” he asked the h/c haired youth while rolling his left shoulder with a subtle smile. 

“Actually it’s 27," Y/N replied, and Deglan hummed. The witcher glanced at the sword in his hands and grinned. 

“I think my fists are enough for today.” 

Y/N frowned. After their seventeenth fight, the witcher had begun to use his sword, so why...? 

His eyes took in his surroundings and he realized that the people in the courtyard, the young witchers, the new candidates and their potential mentors, all were now watching them, even Tristan. 

Automatically Y/N’s heart began to pound faster. His gaze lingered on the black-haired witcher and when something moved in the periphery of his vision, he could only gasp in alarm before he crashed face first in the dirt. A painful groan escaped him and a bolt of pain shot through his neck where Deglan had hit him.  

“Getting distracted means getting yourself killed”, warned his mentor and the laughter of the surrounding witchers made Y/N’s face burn from embarrassment. 

This was the first time in a while that he could not even swing his sword at Deglan before he got humiliated. 

Shame rose in his chest, but he was also angry. Deglan played dirty by attacking him while distracted, although he knew that neither monsters nor human enemies would act chivalrously in a real fight.

One might expect him to have thick skin after 27th defeats but getting embarrassed in front of so many people was different, especially when a certain young man was watching him. 

He wished a hole would open up under him and swallow him whole.

Y/N slowly stood up, mud caked his clothes and his face and he grimaced. He had bit his lip during the fall and the taste of iron was disgustingly familiar. He was about to grasp his sword again, ready for defeat number 28 when Deglan dismissed him with the movement of his hand. 

“Training's over for you, mud face. Go wash yourself and you-”, he pointed at Fenri, Cole and the rest of Y/N’s friends, “you lot follow me.” 

Deglan’s voice turned icy towards the end and he walked past the dirty boy, giving him a strong pat on the shoulder. 

Y/N almost lost his balance but quickly regained it. His ears were red from embarrassment and before Cole could nudge him encouragingly, he turned around and quickly crossed the courtyard to escape the still laughing pack of witchers. 

His defeat hurt more than usual, probably because Tristan had been watching, and it annoyed him. Sighing, he rubbed his face.

When he washed himself that day, he scrubbed his skin vigorously and pondered about the events that happened that afternoon.

He should have felt guilty for not being able to distract Deglan from his friends. They had probably gotten punished with "special” training - exactly what they had wanted to avoid since the last time had been absolutely horrible... But he couldn’t shake off the gnawing irritation. 

It was probably due to Fenri's words.

The younger boy often tried to egg him on, but he rarely succeeded. This time, however... 

Y/N racked his brain about Fenri's statement from before. Was he not allowed to like Tristan? He had never questioned his feelings up to this point so it greatly disturbed him.

"Men loving men... is gross..."

These words would haunt him in the coming years and torment him in his sleep because that had been the moment when he realized that his feelings for another man might be viewed as unnatural by other people. What exactly that would mean for him was something he learned only later, though.

When Y/N had laid down in his straw bed in the stables that night, not sure if he could sleep after the event in the afternoon, Cole nudged him and said: 

"You know, I don’t believe men liking men is gross. We have many other things to worry about, so the feelings of another man are the least of our concerns, nor are they our business. Deglan told us that...” 

He stopped for a second and then whispered: “I think Fenri is acting like a cunt because no girls are training to become witchers. He is just a lonely pent-up arsehole, you know."

Y/N snorted when "I heard that, you bastard!" came from somewhere in the back and some hay flew across the room, hitting Robin, who was laying in another straw hollow right next to him. He sneezed loudly.

“Shit, I was this close to sleeping, you fucker! I’ll get you!”

Chaos ensued, 5 boys were brawling and the discussion was over before Y/N could answer Cole or ask him any questions. 

But a little later, after all of them were screamed at by one of the witchers on night guard; when Y/N was the only one still awake, he contemplated what Cole had meant. 

Did his mentor not have anything against the thought of two men liking each other? Did he take his friends aside to tell them that and not to punish them? 

He would have to ask Cole in the morning... Or should he ask Deglan directly? 

The idea made his heart speed up suddenly. Why was he so nervous?

Out of nowhere, he saw his mentor in a different light.

-

In the end, he did not ask Deglan directly. He was too shy. But his mind replayed Cole’s words for days after that. And that marked the moment when Y/N’s eyes began to unconsciously follow someone other than Tristan. 

Yes, he still watched the black-haired young man from time to time, but their training suddenly entailed a lot more lectures and so he began to see Deglan daily, while Tristan crossed his path less and less. And then came spring and the young witcher went on the Path - as many others - and his absence left a hole in Y/N’s usual routine. A hole he filled with a new person of his interest; Deglan. 

The man was a renowned witcher, known for his strength and knowledge in the school and Y/N had begun to respect him after the first five losses of their duels. His respect began to grow even further, however, after observing Deglan closely every day.

The older witcher was a dick sometimes, his training was harsh, he could be insensitive on occasions and when his arms spasmed in pain after their mindless sword-swinging exercises Y/N hated him with a passion, but there was something about his mentor that drew his eyes to him again and again in the following years of his training.

Maybe it was the way he carried himself, maybe it was the way he treated Y/N or maybe it was his rugged but strong appearance...

The youth watched how Deglan poured a bucket of water over his naked upper body after his training with the older apprentices.

Nevermind, his appearance was definitely one of the reasons why.

A weird feeling spread in his gut, as he watched how water droplets travelled across Deglan’s scarred back muscles. His ears started to burn and the youth at the threshold of adulthood turned away to hack at the training straw doll with newfound vigor. 

-

While Deglan’s appearance definitely drew Y/N in, his character made his eyes return every time.

Thanks to his advanced training and the experiments, he was allowed to share moments with Deglan, when the rough exterior of the man vanished, to show his true character underneath. His kindness, his understanding, his humour. 

Of course, there were also moments when Y/N despised the man. He was his mentor after all and every witcher had such instances during their first years at the school.

When Y/N was subjected to more experiments than the other witchers in training and experienced more pain than them, he often cried at night, cursing Deglan in his thoughts. And he cursed himself for letting himself be overwhelmed by his mentor’s praise after he survived the experiments.

When Cole died during one of the trials because of a mage’s accident and Deglan did not dare speak out against the said man, he exploded on him and screamed his voice raw.

Yet although these incidents happened, Y/N could never truly hate him. Deglan had already conquered his heart.

The older man personally tended to him after his experiments. He cleaned his wounds, stayed up for nights to take care of his fever and made sure he was not left with horrible scars. Thanks to his care, Y/N’s face was not completely disfigured. 

And he made sure that the young adult was proud of his achievements.

Y/N blushed like a maiden every damn time when Deglan commented on his fierce-looking scars, while his heart tried to crawl out of his ribcage and present itself to the other man as if he were a god. 

And when Cole had died Deglan properly buried the boy, let his friends hold a funeral and allowed them a mourning period. They did not have to train then and Y/N spent his time at Cole’s grave, heart heavy and full of guilt. 

One day he had a breakdown, he blamed himself for Cole’s death and he felt the urge to hurt himself - because he should have been the one to die, he should have gone with that magician, it had been his turn - Deglan had given him a good punch and then an even better hug to calm him down. 

Y/N’s dreams had revolved around that embrace for several months when Deglan had gone out on the path, his heartbeat like an echo in his ears and his mentor’s scent and strong arms engulfed him in his sleep.

His dreams changed during these months and more often than not he would wake up sweaty in the morning and he hurried to clean his clothes before his friends would wake up. 

Due to these fantasies, his heart thundered in his ears whenever the older witcher would get too close after his return.

There was something special between them, their bond was more than just apprentice and mentor, Y/N fully believed that and allowed himself to dream.

It only took one summer for Y/N’s thoughts to get captivated by Deglan. Five more for him to finally admit that his feelings for the man were more than just admiration and two winters for him to realize that he wanted, needed Deglan and him to become lovers.

And then one night only, for his older self to learn that he had imagined everything between them, that he was a blind fool...

-

It had been just a normal evening if one ignored the fact that Y/N and his friends had finally reached the end of their training and would become full-grown witchers in about one moon. Soon they would set out alone on the Path for the first time. And simultaneously the day drew near on which Y/N planned to confess his feelings.

At first, it had been just a daydream but the eye contact he had shared with his mentor in the past weeks had only made his feelings stronger and so he decided to gather his courage to confess the day before he would leave for the Path. In case something would go wrong, he could leave quietly, although he did not actually fret about this, he was convinced that Deglan liked him as well.

The aspiring witchers were sitting in the evening hall, drinking ale and playing Gwent after a fulfilling meal, while their mentors told stories and their younger peers listened to them intently.

Suddenly, the door got thrown open and Deglan, followed by the current leader Rennes and two other drunk witchers entered the hall.

Deglan and the two others had gone down the mountains a few days ago because a noble had sent a letter about a beast that woke up early from its hibernation. It seemed like they had just returned. 

“Fuck, Deglan, why is it always you? That lady... Those lips are not just good for talking, you know that personally, right? Tell me and the lads about it!”

Y/N turned his head at the mention of his mentor’s name and he put down the cards in his hands to find the man among the newcomers. He hoped Deglan came back unscathed. 

The drunk witchers whistled loudly and patted Deglan’s shoulders expectantly after they had sat down on one of the tables next to the fire. 

Y/N's eyes found the older man and his heart pounded faster. The ale made him slightly drowsy and his imagination was running wild after seeing how Deglan's shirt was torn at the front, showing his strong abdominal muscles and his impressive scars. He didn’t seem to have any injuries and the h/c haired witcher sighed in relief.

Lewd thoughts rushed through his mind while he watched the man and he remembered one of the daydreams he had in their latest lecture. He moved in his seat and gripped his thigh to calm down before he would embarrass himself.

His mentor swatted the hands of one of the other witchers away and said something incoherent, while Vesemir, the young boy Deglan had brought back a few months ago, hurried to get some ale from the barrels in the corner and gave each of the newcomers a mug.  

“We all saw her eyes, she was like a bitch in heat next to her husband, the poor lad. You’ve been warming her bed, have you not? While that old fart rots away, you cheeky fucker!” hollered one of the drunk witchers before downing his drink in one gulp.

Deglan lowered his head, as if he was embarrassed and gruffly answered: 

“Can’t believe I told you about that...”

These quiet-spoken words echoed loudly in Y/N’s ears due to his mutated hearing. Y/N blinked. The conversations in the hall turned muffled as his heartbeat resounded loudly in his ears and he lowered his eyes to look at his hands which he unconsciously formed into fists.

You’ve been warming her bed... Can’t believe I told you...

Something in Y/N made an ugly noise. Barmin looked up from his cards and tilted his head, worried. His friend opened his mouth and said something but Y/N could not hear it.

Deglan was sleeping with some noblewoman. 

It made sense. 

He was a witcher and they did have an insatiable urge for sex. It was a side effect of the alchemic experiments and for them it was natural. They even had a lecture about it during their first training years. 

But for Y/N, who had experienced the carnal desire several times already since his completion of the trials and who used his hands to deal with the problem, it had been somehow logical that Deglan would not choose to lay with any women. 

His mentor was usually never involved in any of the lewd discussions of the older witchers, so he naturally assumed that Deglan did not bed any ladies ever.

Y/N must have brainwashed himself into thinking that the older man stayed in his room and fucked himself while thinking about him, that’s at least what he had been doing.

But it seemed like he got it all wrong.

It was his own delusion and the realization that he had been wrong all this time hit him like a punch in the throat. It left him breathless.

He felt betrayed - he had no reason to feel betrayed, Deglan was not even aware of this... possessive mess of emotions in his chest that he felt for him - and the realization that whatever feelings and dreams of a shared future Y/N had for Deglan were probably useless dawned on him. 

Fenri’s words from all those years ago once again echoed in his mind. 

“Men loving men is gross.”

An image of Deglan with a beautiful woman appeared in his head. His mentor held her close, one of his hands on her hip and the other held her hands and the man smiled, one of these crooked but beautiful smiles he only seemed to show when Y/N and he were alone. 

And it hurt. It fucking hurt. 

He was unable to transform the image, he could not take the place of that woman because he was as tall as Deglan by now and his spine did not have a soft curve and his hands could not be covered entirely by Deglan’s and all the stupid romance tales Robin dumped on them during their breaks did not entail two men with scars and rough, blister-covered hands and so he could not see himself next to Deglan because it was not meant to be. 

The shitty fairy tale romance he had spun in his mind would never come to life. 

The hope and delusion he had for all these years shriveled in his heart and died.

He had been wrong. The bond he felt between him and Deglan could not be what he had imagined.

Y/N was an orphan, his parents had had no need for him, he had been a waste of space and that was why they dumped him on the orphanage’s doorsteps, and while he did eventually find a home in the witcher’s keep - a home for the outcasts of society - he apparently remained an outsider even here.

An outcast among outcasts, was this not the fucking worst? 

Y/N cursed the experiments that gave him better hearing, he cursed the witcher who brought him to the school, he cursed his heart for once again choosing an unreachable person and he cursed the world for making him the way he was.

And he cursed Deglan for treating him so kindly, as if he were special, as if there was something between them, something that could grow and turn into love and make them soulmates. 

His mentor probably only treated him better because he had been praised as an exceptional student, a perfect test subject for experiments and a great fighter.

Not because he saw who Y/N really was, what he longed for...

How could he even think about confessing his feelings?!

He had to stifle a hollow laugh because of the irony and before Barmin or Fenri or Milan or any other of their table’s occupants could say anything, he abruptly stood up and left the hall. 

His way led him past the table where Deglan was sitting but Y/N’s eyes remained fixed on the door and even when his mentor called out his name, he did not turn around. 

He disappeared behind the wooden door of the hall and missed the dark look in Deglan's eyes as the man watched the retreating back of the younger witcher. 

He missed his mentor’s furious gaze on the drunk witcher who spouted nonsense and Rennes’ commentary that Deglan would never fuck some random noble woman, in fact, he wasn’t sure if the guy even had a dick because he never lusted after any woman, no matter if she were a virgin, succubus or a literal goddess.

He missed it all.

#requested #the witcher #deglan #deglan x male reader #male reader #geralt of rivia #vesemir #witcher #witcher reader #kaer morhen #angst #mlm fanfic #the witcher 3 #the witcher animation #request #fanfic #fanficsforheartandsoul #x male reader #part 1 #the witcher nightmare of the wolf

[isekai-crow]

Doctor Elise Ep 3-4

I cannot express enough how fun of a potato chip this show is. I had a fever this week and this was a great lil show to watch that didnt require me to think.

As a self proclaimed shonen bro whose not normally into shojos, I enjoyed the manga, and the anime is doing a good job despite not being one of the "big names". It might also be my love of medical dramas from the early 2000s peaking in. I can turn my brain off to watch it and just have fun by going "WTF w h y", and poking fun at how broken some aspects of this world are while still thoroughly enjoying it.

It's definitely the kind of show that probably won't hold up to scrutiny for the world building, so. Just. Don't think too hard about the specifics of what's happening! Then the power fantasy pieces won't break through your suspension of disbelief! Because IV bags did not exist during the Crimean War in the 1800s which seems to be where this fantasy setting is taking place.

But I'm gonna go and point out all the broken bits below because its so much fun (not bashing at all!).

Also my favorite boy shows up! Doctor Graham!! We love a boy whose not there to be a rival or love interest, and respects the Lady and they get to be bros!

Look at this silver haired ponce of a bishonen, he's delightful, ascot and all!

He's voiced by Hosoya, Yoshimasa - Rainer Braun from Attack on Titan, Nezumi from NO.6, WOLFWOOD FROM THE NEW TRIGUN STAMPEDE!! Tokoyami from BNHA, and Sousuke from Free!

DAMN THEY PICKED A GOOD VOICE FOR MY BOY.

More spoilers/screen shots below the cut!

Elise shows up for work as Rose at the No Cultural Touchstone For Mother Teresa Hospital, the genius young doctor Graham is supposed to take care of her but he's busy and assumes like everyone else that a young well-off lady will run from the sight of blood soon enough, and so sticks her in the HOSPICE WARD.

HHMMMM I WONDER WHY ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE ON THEIR DEATH BEDS???? COULD IT PERHAPS BE... UH... SANITARY REASON?? SHOULD HOSPITALS BE SANITARY??? NAHHHH THE DIRTY ROTTING BANDAGES ON THE FLOOR AREN'T MAKING THINGS WORSE, NO WAAAAAAAAY.

These poor overworked shift nurses seem to have no idea what they're doing, but thankfully we have a returner with concepts of modern day sanitation who cleans the place up!

She then finds a dude with bed sores and realizes no one knows what SEPSIS IS, and is like. Get me a scalpel, it's my first day, I've never held a scalpel in my read:this life, I'M DOIN' A SURGERY TODAY. I'VE GOT GALAXY BRAIN TO HELP ME.

I love these shots they're great.

SHE PROCEEDS TO CUT INTO THE DUDES BACK LIKE SHE'S DRAWING FREE FORM SELECTION ON MS PAINT AND THEN JUST HITS CTRL-X DELETE.

That's not A tissue, that's HIS (necrotic) tissue! I sure hope this dude has pain killers or is drunk off his ass with vodka because DAMN.

All the other in-patients are so happy she's here, they feel better already with her bright and happy personality! Normally this would feel really creepy and sexist, but this juuuuuust squeaked by as not coming off that way.

Jump cut to the King! Only 12 people in this world know what diabetes is! How is Elise going to get away with having known about it?? Probably more hand waving!!

Now, we either get a time skip, or she's literally been working all night, but Dr. Graham walks in on her dozing, thinks he's got the wrong place, and proceeds to scold her for performing surgery without permission. But then he takes her on rounds and we're in a medicial show!!!!

IS THAT A FUCKING IV BAG?

IT IS!!!! THOSE WEREN'T INVENTED UNTIL THE LATE 1800s!! At least its a glass bottle, and not a plastic bag like I initially assumed?? But I guess the Crimean War was in the 1850s and this type of open glass bottle IV was from the 1900s so... Wooo Fantasy Europe!! -waves hand rapidly to shoo you on-

This man is having a time trying to figure out what the fuck. But he's pretty.

It takes him a bit to come to terms with her abilities but then he's just so happy to have another Doctor Bro who Actually Cares that he's behind her with full support! Which yay! But also becomes a tool of sorts, to kind of hand wave away the concept of sexism in the medical field to the point where it doesn't seem to exist. Which is also what makes this such a light show, because it doesn't even try to handle said topics, it just erases them completely with regards to medicine.

Equal numbers of men and women as doctors! The women aren't relegated to nurses! Yay! No critical thinking needed here.

My favorite part of this though, is that they DO tease at it. When Elise makes a different call from the doctor she's following in Ye Olde ER, he kind of stutters and is flabbergasted and panicked, while the female doctor is immediately like, I GOTCHU SIS, and steps in to help her as she proceeds to STAB A DUDE IN THE CHEST WITH A SYRINGE.

She's so pretty with blood on her face.

We're in episode 4 by this point, and its the "Festival Episode" common to many isekai romance manhwas, but of course, Elise is a doctor and so she's working the ER instead of attending.

However this is the episode that proves there is magic in the world, and WE GET A SECOND VA FOR THE PRINCE. He transforms into "Lord Ron". We also get a glimpse of his tragic back story!

His bodyguard gets a knife pulled on him and THEN A GUN. New Technology Discovered: Guns! I should hope they had those figured out before IV tech, but you think they'd know about general sanitation being important as well.

Dude's been shot in the SPLEEN!!! OW MY SPLEEN! They don't have a splenectomy in Fantasy Europe, oh no!

Elise puts up such a persuasive argument, and the dude is dying, so they might as well let her try to save him. And look, the prince Lord Ron has field surgery experience and offers to help!

SUDDENLY THERE IS ELECTRICITY. WHAT WERE THOSE OIL LAMPS IN THE GRIMEY DEATH WARD???

MS PAINT SCALPEL FTW!! It's not bad for the limited time they likely had to anime each episode, and the fact that they're putting more emphasis on the conversations. For comparison, this scene in the manga ↓

Surgery is a success! Yay! Elise is asked to write up a report abotu the surgery as it will be the first ever recorded splenectomy.

and then. Blushing Prince is Adorable, even in disguise. Love us some blushing boys.

But by far the most accurate part of this show so far...

Even in a Fantasy Europe Hospital the doctors have shitty handwriting lmfao

#anime winter 2024 #gekai elise #doctor elise #medical drama #fantasy europe #medical tw #blood tw

[localplaguenurse]

You want my essay? You'll get my essay. So starting this off people tend to write Zhongli as someone who tends to be oblivious to mortal life, or someone who never has mora on his person. From what Ive seen they treat him like he's still an archon in the current timeline, and have no regard for the fact man's just trying to have a retirement and enjoy what he couldn't as an archon. NOT TO MENTION HIM BEING CONSTANTLY BROKE. (I can't remember if money has come up in the fic but good fuckin LORD I hate it when people use him being broke as a personality trait bc its??? so??? not??? That however is a rant for another time)

That's what I enjoy so much about when you write him because in the fic you write him mid transition between his more aggressive, and brutish personality as Morax while having him starting to become more responsible, and mellowed out as Zhongli. You take consideration of the fact he did a 180 on his personality overtime, but even though he is mellowed out you still have him take on aggressive moments when it violates the contracts he has made, i.e Abbess (fuck the abbess me and the homies hate the abbess), and the one he made with Li Lei for Reader's safety. He makes mistakes due to not truly being human, and he has learned from his mistakes which helps him grow as a person, and understand the common folk he watches over. which is a canon thing he does in the game. He has made mistakes on judgement, or does something that is typically not done in the modern age, and he sort of realizes it too which helps him blend in better. Yet you can still tell with he's not human in the fic too (which is actually canon alot of characters can tell there's something off abt him it's so funny)

Over the course of the fic you can see him grow as a person, and how he has slight changes after properly becoming the Archon of Liyue. He drops his more guarded, and composed self after the war is over, and he becomes a lot more free in how he acts. Reader tends to be one of the people he can act free, and not someone who is the god of Liyue which is so nice to see.

You also write him being half-dragon so gorgeously. This is just me fr being a Dragon nerd BUT people write him having western dragon traits such as being possessive, and aggressive. BUT HE'S BASED OFF EASTERN DRAGONS???? They're known for being proud, wise, and powerful creatures. They're respected bc of having a high intelligence unlike western dragons, and its so refreshing to see him written more similar to eastern dragons compared to everyone writing him with western personality traits. My dragon obsessed brain tips it hat to u.

You take so much into consideration, and you've actually taken the time to understand him in a way you can portray him as accurate as you can manage. And you keep nailing which the characterization honestly. Ive read a lot of stuff for this man, and you've been one of the few who actually manage to make him both a god, and yet seem completely human at the same time.

First off, thank you and I love you sm. (Oh god now I’M rambling lmao)

The money thing has come up a couple times, mainly in the beginning because everyone was like “hey he’s the god of wealth, you’ll at least live comfortably even if you’re not happy.” I focused more on the contract part of his lore because it’s an arranged marriage fic, so that’s a bigger focal point than him spawning coins.

One of my favourite parts about writing him and reader is that neither of them really know how to “act like people” but in complete opposite ways. Morax is not human, and because of his long lifespan he like, doesn’t have either the understanding of human customs or the full patience to learn. Reader grew up very sheltered and overthinks everything to the point where even mundane tasks can be nerve wracking. Still, they want to know how to act like people, Morax so he can better empathize/interact with his wife, and reader so they don’t feel like they have to rely on him.

Also, the dragon thing: it’s not even just an eastern vs western dragon thing, it’s that I highly doubt his brain goes just full animal brain when he’s not in a humanoid form. That’s still Morax in there, and maybe certain traits come out more depending on his form/mindstate, but he’s literally a conscious thinking creature with thoughts and feelings and opiniond. That doesn’t just go away!

Anyways, I thank you v much and I like your rambles. I’m gonna go cry now.

#ask #as gold as the ginkgo trees #beta reader

[universallychaoticpan]

Its absolutely no secret that I love ur trio unholy trinity and I wanna request about my fav trio again. Why do I sense that U like angst? Hahah joking aside i was actually rewatching bsd and then a kunikida angst pop into my mind. Dazai found that Kunikida have a massive crush on some girl only to discover that its y/n. She is using Kuni for a mission or something like that and thinking about this probably chuuya and y/n are dating at this point?? I would love to see how Dazai would break it out to Kunikida and how would they confront the Villainess of this story. Im really craving for some Villainess reader and Ive been reading ur fics for a long time now and ur really good at it.

HI hello yes- I love unholy trinity and I'm happy you do to!! And yes, I love a good angst idea; plus Kunikida deserves more attention- I love him lol. Top it off with villainess reader and we've got some fun. I hope you enjoy this, and I'm sorry it's taken so long- my schedule is picking up again. As always though, my requests and asks are always open, and I am commited to delivering the highest quality writing I can. <333

Dazai never thought he would feel so sad finding out Kunikida's secret lover; his ideals, his standards, all in one person- it was the ultimate hidden treasure and Dazai wanted to know everything. So how could he be anything but elated when he found out exactly who the woman his partner had been pinning for was?

One reason: he now knew just who said woman was; who she had been before, and why she was so dangerous.

He hadn't expected to ever see you again; when he finally did, with your arms around Kunikida's shoulders as he held you close, it took him a moment to realize that no, he wasn't delusional. Those eyes that looked so adoringly at him, those lips painted with sweet little smiles- it was all you. And all he could think was how horrible fate was, for you to be the person Kunikida was falling for. Because he was; Dazai could see it in the way he smiled when you spoke, how he walked beside you with his hand resting against the small of your back like it belonged there.

He should have known his bliss wouldn't last long.

Once you were gone, once the two men were making their way back to the Agency, it was only then Kunikida noticed Dazai's unusual silence.

"What is it," he sighed. "get out with it already."

"I don't like her," Dazai said simply.

Kunikida stiffened, "Well why the hell not? Don't tell me you've slept with her before and that's-"

"That's not why. I just don't like her for you."

Kunikida rolled his eyes and huffed. "Sure, because god forbid a woman prefers me to you."

"That's just it," Dazai retorted. "She doesn't prefer you; at least not if I'm right. She's using you, Kunikida, and I know you can't see it, but I can."

"Because as usual, you have to be the clever one- always one step ahead aren't you Dazai-"

He felt the air leave his lungs as his dark haired companion dragged him by the front of his shirt from the street and into the shadows.

"Exactly," Dazai breathed. "One step ahead. And I know you won't believe it, but I know exactly who that woman is. I know she is in no way the one for you, no matter how much it seems she is. And I can tell you just why she is someone to stay far away from."

"Then tell me."

Dazai smiled that wry smile, turning his head slightly to each side, making Kunikida roll his eyes as he made a show of checking their surroundings for listening years.

"She's one of Mori's- a port mafia member so feared she has been named their secret executive."

///

The next night he saw you had been cast in the lens of your loyalties. When you turned the corner, he could see the seduction in the way you walked, the sex in the way your eyes turned towards the ground as you walked- just tempting, alluring; a woman of the underground. And when you caught sight of Dazai, a flash of recognition was barely even there; it took you an instant to place the boy you had in some ways grown up with and the bandaged man in front of you as one and the same.

You stopped a short distance away, inclining your head in a graceful greeting. Even now, Kunikida couldn't help the way his heart sped up at the slight way your hair fell into your face.

"Hello, Dazai. Quite an odd time for a reunion. Haven't you heard three's a crowd?"

Dazai scoffed. "Cut the bullshit, y/n; you're smarter than all that. And now he is as well so if you want to leave here without any problems, I suggest you get going and stop using him. Your cover's blown."

"Men," you sighed. "impossible to get through a simple conversation without talking business."

"Don't pretend you're here for any other reason." Kunikida's tone was harsh and low and it made your brows shoot up in surprise.

"You're not here because you like him, y/n, and you know it. By the way, how's Chuuya? Never seemed like the type to enjoy his girl playing house with some other man." Dazai was baiting you, and you knew it.

"Chuuya is perfectly fine," you smiled coyly. "And...misgivings he may have had about my current assignment have long been dealt with."

"Gross," he shuddered.

"He is right, however," Kunikida interjected. "I don't ever want to see you again; you can report all of this to your boss, but don't ever come near me again."

"Oh?" you chuckled. "Not even like this?"

Slowly, slowly, you began to walk towards the two, heels clicking softly on the ground as you walked. You wound your way around him, relishing the way he stiffened when you let your hand trail across his chest. Finally, you stopped, raising yourself onto your toes and whispering with the voice of the wind, the sound seemingly coiling around him and squeezing his mind close.

And then you were gone.

You walked back into the night, hand raised above your head in a wave while Kunikida stood dumbstruck by you.

"Ciao, amore."

Even with your back turned he could hear the smile in your voice.

And even with your alliances, he could feel the painful truth in your words-

"Just remember I was the first to meet your ideals. I was the first...

and only."

#kunikida x reader #doppo kunikida x reader #bsd x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #bsd #bungo stray dogs

[storiesofsvu]

Jesus fucking christ.

We had TEN people at the bar tonight. TEN. And then a group from the theatre came over at like, 11pm, pianos stopped at 12, and THEY JUST WOULD NOT LEAVE. We had our entire cashouts done and printed and sealed, the bar torn completely down and a guy STILL tried to order a drink from me?!?!

Anyways. I’m FINALLY fucking home and it’s 2 am, but it’s “Thursday” so y’all know what that means!!!

Law & order (svu, oc/mothership maybe) spoilers under the cut!

Domestic snuggles.. imma miss this shit

Also why do people never plug their phones in overnight on tv!?

Grace that is a NICE coat, she looks great.

Noah being 12… someone remind me to do math on this later.

“I’ve been on 500 bumble dates, how different could these questions be?”

OKKKKAY now I understand more why Velasco was in the wedding shots, cause I lowkey thought it was weird he was there for the ceremony.

Nice plaid muncy… #bivibes

Jessie an billie have pink drinks (I assume Shirley temples) and it looks like Velasco just handed noah champagne… like I know it’s probs gingerale or apple juice but like… BRUH. It looked like Velasco was so distracted he just handed alcohol off without realizing it was a kid lololol

Is it REALLY that big of a surprise that johnny d has other kid out there? Also how long is it until noah asks about his dad? Like what has liv told him?

Noah knows he’s adopted, he knows his mom is dead and that he can’t see gramma Sheila anymore, he only has liv and she works so much that she definitely should let them meet.

OH okay so he knows his dad was a criminal… noted… noted….

liv…baby…. I know you’re concerned about him being johnny d’s kid, but like, so is noah… also bebe remember the time you left your kid with his “friends” and they locked him in a dog cage? Pls. let him play playstation.

Okay staying the night is a little much. Like first watching them look like a full happy family, but also FLASHBACKS TO SHIELA STEALING HIM.

FUCK Velasco in a suit… I forgot how good that looks.

“EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL” OH MY GOD GRACE lololololol

Jfc. These rollins and liv grilling this guy in the hotel room?! Getting all super close power lady?! FUCK ME.

STOP IT YOU TWO!!!  THIS IS FUCKING TOO MUCH. THEY’RE BOTH TOO FUCKING HOT. IVE MISSED AMANDA FLIRTING WITH PERPS, I’VE MISSED THE TWO OF THEM FLIRTING TOGETHER UNDERCOVER FUCK. Imma miss this.

Grace m’am, you are on the stand, homegirl do up one more button pls.

Oh muncy…. You sweet summer child. I LOVE you but I hope sonny tears a STRIP off you because you deserve it. Like all im picturing rn is barba/alex/casey basically murdering you.

“on a scale of 1-10?”  “I’d say Vladmir putin.” FUCK FIN lololol

“remember I used to joke about you two in a hotel room? And now here *we* are” THAT’S GAY LADIES.

“You were a different person, you would’t let me in.” EXCUSE ME OLIVIA?!?! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS A GIANT CUNT IN S13!! YOU were the one who kept brushing off amanda whenever she tried to talk to you or learn anything for like a year!

GOD this scene mustve been so fucking hard to film for these two….

Okay…. Okay… I said this to the discord earlier this week as I got to s8. Muncy does have some Dani Beck vibes…and her on the stand just enforces that. (minus the fact that I love grace and HATE dani)

Carisi saying “my wife” while looking all lovey dovey eyes. FUCK.

GOOD GOD. Im fucking bawling over the actual good bye scene. Fuck me. (also was that walk past then pull back into a hug a call back? Or is that just me?)

Okay. I am VERY glad honestly that Muncy was both not at the wedding and didn’t get a hug at the end (despite a random uni getting one). Not only have they only known each other 9 eps, it just wouldn’t be fucking fair to Kelli. I get it, Molly might not have known she was a replacement when she auditioned/got the job BUT, it just would’ve been a kick in the face to Kelli. Still and always love them both. But… yeah… it’s like when you have to train your own replacement right before getting fired kinda thing? Not cool. So im glad they were able to do that..

 Okay. Onto mothership… lets see how much I have to say lol.

Mechad is a fucking snack. Why must I be attracted to at least two people on every one of these shows? Three hours of tv after getting off work this late is TOO MUCH AND I still have a new criminal minds to watch. Fuck.

 Fuck…. That escalated quickly…. I mean….expected but…

Oh jesus christ…tonight really is about cops fucking up.

This is heartbreaking. The poor suspect is now gonna get extra charges because they were wrongfully arrested/sent to rikers. Fucking ouch. Why l&o gotta be like this tonight…

Okay… my stream cut out for the second time and fucked up and we ALL know Im not invested enough to care.

OC time here we go.

This purple looks great on bell!

Okay, new guy, cant remember his name rn, but him not only getting everyone gifts but having them wrapped that nicely? What do we think? Did he have the store do that or does he do it himself? The “I’ve always been that guy” makes me think he did it himself.

“merry Christmas everyone” jet’s way of saying “welp, mom and dad are fighting on xmas..”

Okay just kidding this stream died on me too… so…imma call it here, have my svu thoughts and some other tiny ramblings for tonight byyeee

#law and order svu #svu #svu spoilers #organized crime #law and order spoilers

[bex-thecat]

How are my current emotional patterns affecting my life?

Fear is where I live. Freeze and fawn because fight or flight was never an option. I act as if I’m afraid to lose my life at any chance I might disappoint someone.

I people-please. And while I’ve come to know I’m genuinely kind I also know there’s an ulterior motive. I’m protecting myself by ensuring people only experience positive feelings from me. And when I fail to see every single threat, and inevitably disappoint or frustrate someone because I am not a mind reader, I take it personally and blame myself.

Then I avoid them. I’ve ghosted people. I’ve ended relationships because I couldn’t be honest about my wants and needs. Ive idealized people and expected them to do what I tried to do for them. Everything. But even with my efforts neither of us could do it all.

I make it hard for others to do right by me because I hold no boundaries. I let everything slide. I don’t say when I’m not down.

For many of my past relationships, the other person didn’t know they had wronged me until I was saying goodbye. I’m sorry for that. I expected them to just know. And in my defense, some things they should have just known. But it was my responsibility to protect my feelings. To speak up when I was hurting. Give them a chance to decide if they wanted to act that way or make a change.

But I feared I’d lose them and end up left for dead. It sounds dramatic but, that’s how strong this fear is. I fear being left for dead because I wasn’t worthy of existence. And that worth, I felt, was determined by how good I could make others feel. Even at the expense of my own feelings.

And even though I’ve come a long way in healing, I still behave like someone who’s afraid they will be left for dead if they don’t make others happy at all times. And when I’m left unhappy it feels right. Like it’s what I deserve. What I must endure for my unworthiness. It feels safe until I get overwhelmed and self-sabotage or make drastic decisions.

It’s only recently that I’ve realized just how much people-pleasing has, and still does, negatively impact my life. I’ve felt guilt about it, and sadness. I’ve worried the person I’ve sold myself as is not who I really am.

But I forgive myself. Moreover, I am proud of the young girl who found a way to survive. I am not proud of using it so unconsciously, especially when it affected others negatively. I forgive because I know it’s all I knew. I only ever wanted to survive and make others happy.

I belong here, regardless of how others feel about me.

I am safe to have wants and needs.

🧡

#text #journal #emotions #mental health #self expression #self love #self worth #people pleasing #fear of abandonment #personal

[failed-apple]

long rant about thinspo and how i feel about it. so obviously tw for talk about that and also tumblr dont term me for using that word im not proana fuck off please, im allowed to rant (also im really fucking tired so idk if this will even make sense)

to start off im gonna say i have been part of pro ana tumblr and mpa for quite a while in the past, i only started to get to the pro recovery side of tumblr at the end of last year so that might cloud my perspective on this topic a bit.

my relationship with thinspo is complicated. i do realize thinspo is horrible and posting it only fuels other peoples eds, but i still look at it and have a private pinterest board for it because i still want to fuel my ed and get motivated to get worse sometimes. i know its bad but i still do it. but i dont post thinspo anywhere publically, all my shit is in private boards or folders and will never see the light of day since i just dont wanna trigger other people. but to say im completely against it would be a bit hypocritical since i do look at it and use it to fuel my ed. i just dont want other people to do so.

its weird to say im okay with some thinspo since im not really but im more okay with thinspo of people who actually have an ed and have posted pics of themselves to be used as thinspo. what im not okay with is using non ed'd people as thinspo. ive seen pics of eg jessie page and billzo used as thinspo and i hate it. (as well as models, actors and kpop idols but i dont know much about that and dont feel as conected to them so i wont talk about that now but it also makes me feel wierd)

jessie have posted pics of themself in the past when they were really bad and i get why people get triggered by them, but now shes fully recovered and talks a lot about their ed and to me it feels wierd that people use her old pics as thinspo since shes so openly recovered and pro recovery. billzo on the other hand hasnt got an ed and never has, hes just naturally skinny and has even said hes uncomfortable with that hes skinny so to me it also feels wierd to use him as thinspo. ive seen people say that you cant be upset when someone uses a well known person as thispo cause all other thinspo is of real people as well but i feel like theres a big difference between just normal pictures of a skinny person vs actual body checks posted as thinspo by an anorexic person. i personally think body checks are much more triggering anyways and i just feel morally wierd about purposefully using pictures of non disordered people to trigger yourself. ofc with people like jessie not everyone knows who she is and i get that other people who have posted thinspo might also be recovered, but when people tell the person who posted the picture that the person in the pic is recovered or just not comfortable with being thinspo why wouldn't you take the post down. same with non disordered people, if they look ed'd to you fine, but as soon as someone tells you that theyre not and possibly have stated theyre not comfortable with being used as thinspo why would you keep defending the post? just take it down. and i get thats never gonna happen, people are always gonna use whatever pics they find as whatever they want, this was just my thoughts. if you want to argue with me about this feel free but i dont think im gonna change my mind. and i also get being so deep into your ed that you dont care. i get why pro ana is a thing. ive been there and i hate it. if youre pro and reading this (witch i doubt anyone who got this far or even saw this post is but still) if youre pro rn please try and see that first of all eds are terrible no matter how much that voice tells you theyre gonna make you happy and second of all making other people worse wont make anything better and third of all pro recovery side of tumblr is so much better.

and if your reasoning is "well they posted it online, its free to use as whatever you want" fuck off. i dont care. suck my dick

tltr: im kinda okay with using disordered peoples pics as thinspo if theyve stated theyre okay with that or have posted body checks to be used as thinspo. im not okay with using non disordered people as thinspo. there are a lot of actually ed'd people who like being used as thinspo so if you have to use someone else to fuel your ed use them.

but also if thinspo wasnt a thing i probably would be better off so never mind, fuck all thinspo

#apple rants #long post #idk if i should tag this #im not gonna