The whole discourse about the privacy/secrecy/support thing has been sitting with me for a few days (I mean other than it always does to a certain degree) thanks to all the excellent discussion happening and I know I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said a million times before, but I think what we're seeing and what we're going to learn (e.g. from TTPD) is that it wasn't just the support issue, but how it was shown/handled.
We've all gone out of our way to show that introversion =/= lack of support. Someone can be shy, reserved, etc. and still show up for their partner, whether in public or at home. To chalk any of the differences up to the clash between introversion and extroversion is unfair to folks who count themselves among either tbh.
@thisisctrying said something the other day that hit the nail on the head about how if that support had been offered in private, there very well may not have been a Joever to begin with, or at least not at this point in time. (Sorry for loosely paraphrasing, and for namedropping you! Long time listener, first time poster.)
If this were a case where the "shy" partner said, "I am really uncomfortable with the spotlight personally and do not want to court it, but I will support you in your ambitions and offer you whatever you need to make them happen and make the glare bearable," I suspect that would have gone a long way to making Taylor feel seen and comfortable in pursuing her goals in the way that she now has. Again, that might have been more akin to the balance that seemed to have been struck around 2019 from what we can see, but even speaking in a general sense, there are lots of couples out there, celebrity or not, that have similar approaches where there are highly driven people and busy careers involved.
(A famous example being Dolly Parton's marriage. Tbh I know next to nothing about her and Carl, but she's always heralded as an example in this regard, because her husband is famously uncomfortable with the spotlight and hasn't accompanied her to public events in decades, but she's said that she never minded that because that was always work to her, and what was important was that he supported her in pursuing all her career goals and basically ensured she had a place to call home to return to at the end of the day.)
We're kind of in a brave new world with her current relationship because it felt like, at least at the start, we were maybe watching her figure out her boundaries in real time as to what she was comfortable with or not and adjust accordingly. Like so many have said, I fully believe the extreme privacy thing was initially driven by herself and her experiences in 2016, and she needed that quiet time to recover from all of the things and figure out how to exist in the world again.
Stating the obvious, it seemed like eventually privacy was equated with secrecy, turning the relationship and the celebrity into the elephant in the room and something to never be spoken of to the outside world. People are free to choose whatever works best for themselves and their relationships, and for some the separate public lives might work, but the “kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath” theme is all over her work and it’s clear that it’s a sore spot for her, because she’s been made to feel shame just for the life she leads so many times in the past.
What I’m trying to say is that it’s pretty obvious something Not Great was happening behind the scenes, which didn’t just amount to “she wanted to be a public celebrity and he wanted to be a private hermit.” (Also, in case anyone forgot, this is a person who also chose a public-facing career who also has to engage in press for it, but I digress.) As her career reached new heights post-folklore, if she had the support at home to do all the things without judgment and with encouragement, and in turn offer the same support to her partner, she may have very well lived just fine with that, not unlike Dolly Parton’s case.
By reading between the lines in all the press since, as well as comments on tour and general ~vibes~ with TTPD teasers, it seems like one of the issues was that that was likely not the case. There was all the stuff that we saw — the reticence to acknowledge each other in the media (particularly on one side), the lack of public support even at events at which they were both in attendance for their respective jobs, the great lengths they went to not to be photographed together at events they attended yet no problem taking pictures with other friends and coworkers, the jobs that separated them, the withdrawing from the public even for work accomplishments, etc. Which could all be manageable if a couple chooses to do so together and are not inherently a sign of trouble in themselves.
But what we’re seeing now I think is a reflection of the things we weren’t seeing then, and it seems to indicate some very deep hurt. (I know, call me Captain Obvious.) And like so many have been saying, it feels likely that that part of that hurt is rooted in that very lack of private support where a person would expect it from their partner. Obviously as a Taylor fan blog I’m going to be more inclined to understand her side of a story, but tbh, it’s also because… this is sooooooo common, and something I’ve experienced in my friend group. (@taylortruther is right when she says most breakups are the same one way or another lol.)
One partner is resentful of the other’s success, or resentful that the other’s priorities begin to evolve as new experiences unlock new goals, or feels the other’s ambitions are not worthy of pursuit, and coupled with perhaps their own struggles in the same domain, it’s easy to see where that can chip away at the other partner’s morale and faith in the relationship. I know I’m just speculating here, but I also don’t think it’s totally unfounded. (Again, because a) I’m picking up what she’s putting down and b) it happens to sooooooo many women even among us dull normals.)
With all the pointed mentions about how much Taylor feels supported in her current relationship and how she in turn loves to offer the same show of support to not only her partner but other loved ones, how she’s stepped out more in the last year to a whole host of events, how she’s mentioned feeling like she locked herself away for years and she’s just proud of her partner and happy she can show up for him even if the chaos around it is unsettling, it paints a picture of what perhaps was happening before last year.
To feel like you’re all alone in carrying the weight of the relationship (or burden of it), of twisting yourself into knots to accommodate the other person’s boundaries (or insecurities) but not feeling reciprocity for your own has to be so painful. (The idea that it may have been even darker and to have a partner not only be unreceptive to your own needs but even perhaps resentful/dismissive/belittling of them is even more painful to think of. I guess we’ll find out when TTPD comes out if that was the case, too.)
At a certain point, that lack of acknowledgement will force your hand to be able to reclaim yourself. And it feels like the further removed Taylor in particular is from it, the more she moves from being sad about the life she felt she gave up by leaving, to angry at the life she felt she was giving up by staying. Especially being in a relationship now where it seems like everything comes much easier, where she can be open about the person she’s with and show up for them, all the stuff that seemed as challenging as climbing Mount Everest in her past is nothing more than a molehill at best in her current life.
TL;DR: I don’t think it’s privacy that inherently spells doom for a celebrity relationship like this; it’s the mutual support and respect that does. If Taylor had felt that in the later years of her previous relationship, I think we could be seeing a different, though not necessarily unfulfilled, person right now in 2024, who’d be happy on tour but whose personal life would look a little different. But it seems like by losing that support she lost parts of herself, and we’ve seen her reclaim that in spades in the last year, and perhaps to degrees she didn’t even realize she could from before all the Bad Stuff started happening in her young adulthood.
I know this was extremely long-winded and unnecessary, especially about total strangers we only know through scraps fed through the media, but I just always bristle at this idea that issues like these boil down to “personality differences,” as though one person wants to live in a city and the other on a remote island, or some shit like that. The whole support (and gender tbh) issue is one that’s just very close to my heart because again, I have seen it play out with so many of my friends in long term relationships and marriages and I just think people in relationships (and women in particular in some circles) deserve better than to feel like they’re being, well, tolerated.
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so two more of my dnd friends announced that they were dating each other recently and i had the thought,,, dnd could fix him(anakin) so like. imagine he has a huttese only game that he dms going on throughout his teenage years (maybe with childhood friend kitster) and then that friendship group implodes thanks to teenage drama. so then he gets into a group playing in basic (whether or not they meet due to dnd or this is canon au and so obi wan spends anakin’s teen years pretending he’s not jealous of the attention anakin gives to his dnd game is variable) and boom! this game has obi wan in it. and dnd has a lot of improv and acting so if their characters fall in love it doesn’t mean anakin and obi wan are in love, even though anakin having a fake sibling relationship with kitster or someone does mean that the two of them think of each other as kind of siblings. but obviously the only person allowed to be in love with anakin’s character is obi wans character. if anakin’s the dm then that means no one but obi wan is allowed an npc flirt so obi wans character has to be the Biggest Slut, but if anakin’s another player than that means anakin’s character is absolutely Not Allowed to Be A Slut and neither is Obi-Wan’s because the only one for him by now is anakin. (bonus points if it’s a dnd podcast like critical role so obi-wan sees shipping fanart of characters) for once anakin is not the crazy jealous one because he’s played dnd long enough that he knows any flirting is just practice for obikin. anakin is more worried about his friendship with vos than obi wan being an in game slut.
(publishing follow up ask for dnd context)
sorry, dnd anon here, forgot to let u know the basics of the game. basically, one person gets really into it and world builds a whole world with npcs and politics and a villain (bbeg) and becomes the dungeon master (dm) for either a single session (one shot) or a whole multi session story arc (called a campaign) while everyone else plays one single character and rolls the dice that the dm tells them to to see if they succeed or fail. sometimes the players come up with really wacky shit that the dm just has to like. deal with, and other times someone says something like “life needs things to live” and everyone lovingly mocks them for it. podcasts of people playing exist, and some of them have huge fandoms with while shipping cultures, and if u want to watch one to get familiarized with the game, i would recommend dungeons and drag queens by dimension 20 (2/2)
i need to preface this by saying i really don't know anything about dnd and the explanation you sent is really great but i still don't think i know anything about dnd. also i feel like a little part of anakin has to always have a crazy jealous inclination because (gestures to mustafar anakin rots scenes) that was formative to me when i watched it
maybe obi-wan's letting all of his jealousy flow into his character so he's being sorta unhinged in the game while anakin is being unhinged in real life. compromise!
this isn't dnd necessarily, but your ask did remind me of this fic by @intermundia where they play world of warcraft
and i absolutely remember reading a fic where they play dnd in a modern au and that's their whole basis for a relationship but i really cannot remember it for the life of me. or find it.
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when i die, don't look for me in the sunsets...
sirius — look for me in the sky. i know it's a cliché, but there is where you will see me. am i scared of death? no, of course not. i am endless, i am invincible, i am bright; i am the brightest star, actually. i will reach out for you, and i will light up your way. you will find me.
james — look for me in the sky. you will see the sun, bright and scorching. i will warm you up when you will grieve for me, and i will bring closure to you. i might be gone, but i haven't left you alone. i am here, still. and i always will be.
remus — look for me in the river. see the stones, smooth and cold. look at the water, running. its way is freedom, isn't it? it's all ended; it's over. however, that does not mean you can't go on. fall in love. live. without me. we'll meet again soon.
peter — look for me somewhere quiet. there is beauty in quiet, although some people can't see it. it's peaceful. come sit with me, won't you? death is imminent, of course; however, why won't we make the most of life?
dorcas — look for me in my lover's arms. i have been deceived so many times, death does not scare me anymore; it's the last bit of closure i have. look for me in the little things, where i hide. many do not see me, yet i am here. you just have to look for me.
lily — look for me at home. everything has a start and an ending, and i am always coming back. look for me where i can be myself, where everything is warm. look for me at home. maybe, one day, it will be ours to share.
mary — look for me somewhere bright. the sky, maybe. or somewhere colourful. it helps me forget how alone i am, really. i forget about the loneliness that aches in me. someday, i wish you'd search for me. for now, grieve.
marlene — look for me somewhere loud. it helps me forget. scared of death? of course, so i don't think of it. i let myself be washed away with adrenaline, pumped through my brain, and with a moment of pleasure. life is short, after all.
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There was something so heartbreaking about how scared of being alone Basim was when he realized he would never see Nehal again. She might not have been real, but she was real to him and to me 😔. There was terror in his voice when he asked if he would be alone. Nehal was his best friend, his past and present. She was his constant companion throughout his childhood, a time when he probably felt very alone. His father is dead and he has to find a way to survive. He is alone. No parents, no brothers, no one. Yet there was Nehal. The one who he could always find. The one who kept him company. The one who kept him grounded and focused on important things. It was her face he saw when he awoke from his nightmares. It was her who comforted him and tried to help him get rid of them. It was her who appeared when he felt alone or conflicted. She was there when he needed her the most. At Alamut, he was never really alone. He was surrounded by people who encouraged him and cared about him. But when he left, she was there for him. They may have drifted apart, but you can't deny that they still loved each other (platonically). They had differing opinions and motivations, but they would still find peace in each other's presence. Their friendship was one of devotion and care for one another. There was never any fear that Nehal would abandon Basim. She always told him that she would never leave him and stay by his side forever. No matter where he was, he knew Nehal was out there. He knew she would be back in Anbar. She was his home, everything familiar to him. The part of him he could never leave behind. The part of him that would haunt him if he had not gone searching.
Now, he will never see her again. He will never talk to her again. He will never joke with her again. He will never hug her again. He will never rest knowing she would be there to wake him if he had a nightmare again. He will never hear the words he so desperately needs again. He will never be able to return to Anbar and find the house inhabited by a familiar face again. She is gone, and he will be alone. Not even a mentor to guide him. With Nehal's "death," Basim also died. He is now Loki, with all of his rage.
While Nehal was the manifestation of Loki and her appearance was concurrent with Basim's nightmares and him getting closer to the truth, that isn't how he saw it !! He associated her with comfort and home !! He never pieced it together. Why would he? His feelings were real and genuine. They were the truest besties ever
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Something i find fun, if Adrien and Félix are sentimonsters, is Adrien's feather allergy. Aside from the dramatic irony.
An allergy is where the body incorrectly labels an object as a threat, and the immune system reacts, or even dangerously overreacts, in ways which could be threatening to the person it's trying to protect.
If Adrien is a senti, then he's made from a feather, that's his soul. His allergy is targeting something that is already part of his being and biology. That means it's not an allergy, it's an autoimmune disease.
Allergies are genetic, as are predispositions to autoimmune diseases, and Adrien and Félix are genetically identical, though we don't know if Félix shares his allergy. It's possible it hasn't been activated yet. His odds of developing this could be heightened by a bunch of factors; illnesses, food, sunlight.
I'm excited to see if he'll share it or not, if being around duusu will be good for him (someone who understands, to befriend and vent to like Plagg is for Adrien) or bad for him (y'know, a health hazard).
Adrien having an autoimmune disease, maybe he's on immunosuppressants, maybe he's not. I think that could further explain some of Gabriel's actions, not justify them but make them make a little more sense.
After all, the feathers are in the rings, maybe that's a small part of why he hasn't been given his yet. Maybe it's part of why Gabriel has so little physical contact with him, he could give his kid a rash or worse.
If your kid has a weakened immune system and your wife is dying or gone, trying to keep that kid inside, reducing his and your own contact with people, especially other kids - because kids spread diseases like wild fire. I get it. It makes me feel really bad for them. Adrien doesn't even understand what his father's protectiveness is about, besides just losing Emilie. And Gabriel can't even begin to have that conversation with him without everything coming out. About why his feather allergy is such a big deal, about papillon and his wife.
Anyway I'm just thinking about how he ended up letting him go to school. About how he let Nino give him a party but absolutely would've been advising for it to be outside in the open air rather than letting a load of strange children into his clean house.
He really wasn't that bad of a dad at the start. But Nathalie's right, he's getting worse and worse. And I'm worried about how he'll cope and what he'll do without her, now that Adrien is the only close person to him that he has left. Beyond whatevers going on with Tomoe anyway.
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Idk why the whole nesta/lucien concept hurts so bad. It’s like, whenever I’m reading anything related to it my chest feels so tight and wobbly. What have you done to me girl I-
Like i don’t even know if i would have to guts to read it once you posted it but…. you truly excel and conveying emotion through your writing, and even though most of your snippets are brief im always panting by the end, you know? You’re so so so so so talented, you have one of my favorite writing styles ever (and I can’t really pin point why it just does it for me), but whenever I’m reading your stuff it’s feels like it is reaching inside me, you know? Like it is physically moving my heart around.
You rock, i hope you know that!!!!!! Sorry if this is rambly and incoherent :))
!!!
Kind reader, please know, as a person who often describes her favorite books as having punched through my chest- the idea that my own writing is that effective? The highest compliment. What I'm going to make myself refer back to every time I'm convinced all that I make is utter crap, thank you, thank you, thank you!
As for Lucien/Nesta, I totally get that! It's definitely a hurts so good, kind of a story?
On one hand because Lucien is busy being Lucien- brave and unbroken but not undamaged, sexy and stubborn and fundamentally out of place- and I found it impossible to write what was happening without some handling of the past. Lucien has very good reasons, just for himself, to be floored by how badly he wants Nesta.
On the other, because it is a story about, for example, having fun, enthusiastic sex on a rooftop- it's more fundamentally a story about understanding, and the knowledge that no one else would see it that way.
A love story unfolding sidelong.
Nesta having inappropriate sex? Are we back to her wholesale physical disregard for herself and driving desire to claim some shred of autonomy, no matter how shitty? No. Nesta and Lucien sit together for a whole year, before she ever touches him.
Is it a infidelity kink thing? Well. Lucien thinks Nesta's married- but Lucien also, with a sick, perpetual horror, cannot fathom calling Nesta's bond a relationship- if she's not safe to leave it, there's no consent, is there?
What about Elain? Elain doesn't want Lucien- has she ever????- she does have a huge crush on a pasty chef, but that's a whole separate issue.
I'm making it sound much darker than it is- isn't not, I promise. There is a pervasive sadness- what's a broken bond but a failed potential? What is Nesta's canon ending, but an ongoing, free-falling humiliation? An unsafe transitive state that could break at any time but also not let her go. What are her and Lucien doing in Velaris, but to keep Feyre content and be the butt of jokes from the Inner Circle?
And then they fall in love.
Maybe so slow they don't even realize it, tumbling in shared experience from hushed secret friendship to abject devotion. Hope's not a glimmer, it's a spark and it catches.
They see each other. They laugh. It's Sorcha and Helion in parallel, three centuries later, but Lucien doesn't think what they settled for will ever be enough.
in sum: VERY EMOTIONAL, but I promise a hell of a happy ending :)
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