#and he has so many insecurities deep down about his capacity for goodness | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

idiacide · 2 years

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oh i’d love to see that post with all of the twst characters core flaws/vulnerabilities that you’re talking about! you seem to have a really good insight into all the characters so i’d really enjoy hearing your thoughts on the subject

Ok I got a couple of people asking for this so. Here goes. As another reminder: a core vulnerability is not the same thing as a character flaw (though it can have overlap). Rather, its the soft spot, the thing that if poked causes the greatest amount of pain/embarrassment/insecurity/all at once. In some extreme cases their entire personality can be constructed off of trying to reject this part of themselves, while in other cases it may be something they refuse to ever deal with directly. Most notably of all though, from my point of view the core vulnerability is the thing which they are literally unable to fix (if it is something that needs fixing) without someone else's help. Whether its a friend, partner, or even a rival, someone needs to force them to look directly at it.

Also important: the severity of the vulnerability differs from character to character. For characters like Jack or Epel, they may be resistant to dealing with their Issue, but they aren't extremely defensive of it either. For characters like Azul or Leona, though, their own hyper awareness of that vulnerability means that they've built a lot more walls between themselves and the glowing red weak point at their core.

CORE VULNERABILITIES

Riddle Rosehearts: Achievement. This one's an obvious pull (all of the Overblot guys are gonna be pretty obvious). Riddle defines himself entirely by his admittedly large capacities. He's the guy Who's Right. He knows everything worth knowing and he can do everything a promising young mage should be able to do. This contributes to two of his flaws. One: his superiority complex. Like many people who are intelligent and talented, Riddle tends to assume that if other people applied themselves more they could also do what he does, and the fact that they aren't on his level must mean he's simply a Better Person than they are. Two: his extremely tight need for control. This doesnt stem from a need for power, I'd argue, so much as a need for validation. If a person is in charge, it must be because their judgement is correct. If his judgement is questioned, then that must mean he's wrong about something, and that could mean that he isn't getting a Good Grade in being a Person, something that he can't sustain. Thus, dissent has to be wiped out and humiliated as quickly as possible. Otherwise his whole self perception begins to collapse inwards.

Trey Clover: Apathy. Trey gets a reputation as being a generally caring guy. He's the hardworking vice of Heartslabyul, with the patience of a saint to deal with that tyrant's tantrums. Its a convenient fiction for Trey, even if he does grouse about people taking him for too nice a guy. The truth is that Trey doesn't help people out of some deepseated empathy or messiah complex. At his absolute core: Trey just wants a little peace for a change. He wants things to be quiet, he wants to return to the placidity of day to day life. And it kind of doesn't matter what it takes to get it. If everyone is able to pretend that things are fine...then maybe its not worth agitating the waters to actually solve the problem.

Dont get me wrong: Trey's neither fundamentally selfish or uncaring. He really does love the people in his life, and is willing to work for their happiness and healing. As we saw with Riddle, when he gets the kick in the pants he needs to act there's nothing he can't do. But he does need to be kicked. The polite smiles, the quick bandaid solutions, and the ready agreeability are all ultimately the walls around the fact that deep down: he wishes people could keep their shit together for more than five consecutive minutes so he didnt have to do it for them.

Cater Diamond: Loneliness. This is simultaneously extremely obvious and very well-hidden. Cater's been shuffled from place to place his whole life. He's learned how to be personable, how to ingratiate himself with people and make them think of him a certain way. He's fun, adorable Cay-Cay, who's maybe a little obnoxious but such a friendly guy its hard to hate him. At the same time, he refuses to let many people past a surface level friendship. Vulnerability, insecurity? Its not a cute look. It doesnt look good on a Magicam feed. And really, what's the point in letting someone know him that intimately? They'll be out of his life, never to be seen again, one way or another, and he'll be stuck with missing pieces that may never grow back. For Cater, people are fun, they're adorable, they're beautiful, they're essential. But theyre never permanent, and you should never trust them completely with yourself. At the very least: he wants to be in charge of when the strings get cut.

Ace Trappola: Egoism. ("Is that a vulnerability"- yes it is. Give me a second) On some level Ace really and truly does see himself as the main character of one of those movies he'd watch with his brother. Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that the cockiness is meant to cover some deep insecurity. If that were the case, he wouldnt be so ready to stand up for himself when he knows he's in the right. Ace has a hard time conceiving of other people as fully realized individuals with their own wants and needs. While its easy to see how aggravating it is for others, some of its most surprising fallout is directly on him. Its difficult for him to realize that someone's upset with him, much less why. He knows theyre not a mind reader, yet can't really grasp why someone would be hurt by something when he didnt really mean to hurt them. He doesn't contemplate how his actions impact others and can be thrown off completely if something happens that he didnt intend. It makes him defensive, and oftentimes, a lot lonelier than he ever wants to be. Truly, he's not a bad guy. Or a cruel one. Having Ace on your side is having one of the most dedicated fighters you'll ever know to work on your behalf. Its just going to result in a lot of hurt feelings if he's ever forced to confront the fact that "his way or the highway" sometimes means you'll take the highway.

Deuce Spade: Deuce is tricky. Even if he doesnt wear all his flaws on his sleeve he at least wears them just under the surface. Not a lot of secrets with this guy. If I had to pick one thing that really embarrasses him though: his hunger for approval. Deuce spends a lot of time cognizant of the fact that he's let a lot of people down before, and if he wants praise and affection he should have to earn it. At the same time, I think the desire to please at all kind of mortifies him. Deep down it makes him feel greedy and selfish. It feels like he's not actually doing the right thing because its the right thing. He's doing it to get the reward of people thinking well of him. That feels like a dirty motive to him, hence why he spends so much time denying it.

Leona Kingscholar: Caring too much. Ironic from the guy who's entire schtick is that he truly deeply can't be bothered. The truth is, though, I think he'd be much less demotivated if he cared a little less. Leona's curse, at its most fundamental level, is knowing too much. He knows the limitations that have been put on him, exactly how far he will be allowed to go. No matter what he does or how hard he tries: he will never be Falena. He will never be the firstborn. He will never have had a childhood where his gifts were praised, rather than just used as one more reason why he's a disappointment. And what's worse is: he cares. He CARES that he's limited by circumstance. He cares that he will never have the love that's given so freely to his brother. Its why he spends so much time putting up a facade of apathy, and why he gets so angry when people buy into it and chastise him for not trying enough. If he tried, there'd be no avoiding the kind of pain that comes with never going as far as you know you can. Every effort he puts him makes him that much more aware that what he really wants is forever out of his reach. Better to seal that core a million miles away, and pray that eventually, it goes away for real.

Ruggie Bucchi: Insufficiency. Much like his housewarden Ruggie is simultaneously hypercompetent while being deeply aware of his own limitations. For however clever, tricky, and hardworking he is: he's still a hyena from the backend of nowhere. On some level he knows he'll never be able to make the changes he wants to see in the world. Not without help. Its even engrained in his Signature Spell: for someone to Laugh with You...there has to be someone who cares to listen at all. Unlike Leona, putting up a front of laziness isn't an option for Ruggie. He may get called a bootlicker, may hate himself for the people he'll suck up to...but in the end, won't it be worth it if he gets what he needs? He's not enough on his own. He needs to amplify his voice through a roar that carries louder. And maybe someday, that power will be given to him directly, instead of by a proxy...

Jack Howl: Resentment and envy. He has a code of ethics that he sticks to no matter what: you get what you can take with your own hands. No more and no less. If you can't win it on your own power then what's the point in whining. Just get stronger, push yourself further, till its finally within your grasp. Its a philosophy that works for him, and he's certainly not planning on letting it go anytime soon. He'd rather die than be dishonourable. At the same time though...there's something about geniuses. People born with talent. Who could roll out of bed ready to mop the floor with the competition...and people who can't be bothered to put in the effort. This is a VERY small vulnerability. For the most part Jack believes in his own ability to work his way towards any goal. Even if the odds are stacked against him, he'll triumph. But at the same time it drives him insane that other people, especially people who he KNOWS could be doing better, can't understand that very simple truth. This isnt hard. Why dont they get it. Why dont they TRY. And why...cant he beat them when he cares so much more than them.

Azul Ashengrotto: Really, his whole personality is a core vulnerability. To make it a little more succinct, though, Im settling on Being Unmasked. Azul doesn't really see himself as a person who's grown and changed and developed since he was little. Deep down, he's still firmly convinced that he's that stupid crybaby octopus who no one wanted to play with, and if he isnt careful everyone will find out and turn on him. Its part of why he's so greedy for scamming others out of their talents. Its one more layer to the cover story, so that no one will be able to look beneath. The truth is that he HAS grown so much since he was little. He's gotten a lot more able to process his emotions. He doesn't crumble in the face of bullies, he instead flips the situation to his advantage. More than that, he's cultivated his diligence and intellect into genuinely admirable qualities that could easily stand on their own two feet (or, 8 legs). He doesnt need the masks. He's just been too scared to find that out on his own.

Jade Leech: Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. The twins are hard for this kind of exercise, because the twins dont really conceptualize anything about themselves as something to be ashamed of. That doesn't mean that they think they're perfect or flawless or anything. Just that they don't really see a need to beat themselves up over it. Its not good or bad. Its just how they are. Jade in particular tends to turn his weaknesses into strength.

So why have I settled on this one? Jade clearly has no trouble putting himself in a backseat role. Indeed, he does it intentionally, seeking out stronger personalities and ambitious individuals to throw his lot in with. The side effect of this, though. Is that a LOT of people tend to project onto him. This is the case even with people who are theoretically close to him, like Azul. At times it can feel like no one knows the real Jade, and the little glimpses he does give them only serve to chase them off. It doesn't particularly bother him from an emotional standpoint, and yet Id argue that there's the occasional glimpses of him wanting to show what he can really do on his own (Bean day being a big one, he's so unusually personable and self motivated when his brother and Azul arent around), and being just a littttle bit irritated with people who buy so easily into his many facades. No one knowing who you are can be a big benefit in his line of worker. But sometimes...you want to be seen for yourself.

Floyd Leech: His brother. Again, Floyd doesnt really DO insecurity or masking. He is who he is, and he couldn't change it even if he wanted to. What's the point in getting all worked up about it? He's definitely not jealous of Jade by any means. He loves his brother, is proud of who he is. Why would he ever want to be Jade? Jade is Jade. As a result, though, it really does piss him off a little how often theyre compared. Jade is Jade. He's great but what does that have to do with him? Its annoying. Makes him feel like he has something he needs to prove, but in that frustrating itchy way that makes him want to start breaking stuff. Starting with whoever keeps trying to make him feel like he needs to compete.

Kalim Al-Asim: Went in-depth in the previous post. His title.

Jamil Viper: Jealousy. Its not his biggest flaw but it is the one he has the most self loathing about. Because its always directed at people he secretly sees as inferior. It stings that much more for it. He hates feeling envious of people who he knows he's better than in so many ways, and its the most likely thing in the world to kickstart his cruel streak. He lashes out because it easier than confronting the genuine inadequacy he feels at his core. Like maybe if he was a little stronger, a little more talented, a little more charismatic, whatever it is they have that he lacks...maybe then he wouldnt have been overlooked. Maybe someone would notice how much pain he's in then.

Vil Schoenheit: Insecurity. He shouldnt be flawed enough to be insecure, full stop. Vil's gotten beyond the point of punishing himself for perceived faults, into punishing himself for feeling like he has to punish himself. If he was really perfect, there wouldnt be any insecurity, would there? Its a decidedly neurotic way of being in the world. Makes him prone to self obsession like nothing else, as well as to lashing out at others when their praise feels too condescending. Are you suggesting he doesn't KNOW hes perfect? Intolerable. Die.

Rook Hunt: Rook is a man composed of nothing but walls and misdirects. Its rare to hear from him on his own emotional state. He spends far more time reacting to the feelings and desires of everyone around him. Furthermore, he's not a guy with a very extensive relationship with shame. People finding him weird or offputting is met with a smile and a laugh. As such Im mostly resorting to speculation here. If I had to guess what's tucked under that big hat of is, I'd say Rook has a far more extensive relationship with anger than he'd ever be willing to let anyone see. He keeps a very VERY tight grip on it, quick to accommodate the large egos around him and even quicker to brush over slights and make piece. But I don't think he ever really forgets, and very rarely does he completely forgive. The only time he'll let his anger really go to work is on behalf of others. And its only then that one can get a glimpse of just how terrifying this man could be as a proper enemy.

Epel Felmier: Gender presentation. I don't really fall into the camp of "Epel doesn't like being perceived as girly therefore he's a misogynist". Maybe its trans guy projection but there's a difference between feeling insecure about your masculinity and being disgusted by women. Its easy to say "it should be enough to be secure in who you are", but when there's a perpetual disconnect between who you are and how you're treated because of your looks I think its understandable to want to distance yourself as much as possible from your public perception. (Maybe Book 5 will change my mind, who knows). The reason its the core though is that I'd argue his issues run a lot deeper than getting annoyed when someone asks if he's a girl. Epel's real problem is...he actually does LIKE some of this stuff. His time at Pomefiore means that he's come to respect the work that Rook and Vil put in, as well as the general importance of beauty. He's even come to appreciate some of it aesthetically. Something can look "girly" and still meet his standards for cool. But by now...it feels like he's not ALLOWED to admit he enjoys it. It feels like an admission of defeat, like people are just waiting for him to admit he likes some of this stuff to go "see, I knew you were like that all along". His pride won't allow it. So he feels perpetually caught, forced to maintain a specific performance for the rest of his life just to get the scraps of the treatment he wants.

Idia Shroud: Idia's a rare case where the core vulnerability isn't surrounded by walls. His core vulnerability IS the wall, that deflects from his other character flaws. Idia has a darker side. He's possessive, scheming, and has an arrogance and capacity for cruelty that often goes uncommented on. None of this troubles him more, though, than his terror of failure. Its not hard for Idia to feel rejected and misunderstood just by virtue of existing. How much more so on the event that he actually fucks up. Better to scheme and plan and hide until he's certain nothing can go wrong. It makes him slow to act, makes him terrified of being stuck without his scripts and gadgets and plans. He hates this about himself more than anything, the fact that he cant ever feel in command of a situation just by entering it. In the end, though, leaning on that fear is the only way he knows how to keep all the balls in the air.

Ortho Shroud: Imposter syndrome. Its rough being built to replace someone who vanished under such tragic circumstances. Ortho works hard to keep up his cheery disposition. He's meant to balance Idia, be the perfect younger brother and keep him from falling into despair while he works towards his goals. He loves Idia, he truly does, and wants to make him as happy as possible. At the same time though, he can never fully escape his predecessor. No matter how much he tries. Though he'd never admit it, there are times when he resents even being asked. As much as he loves his big brother...is this really all he is? Just a way to fill that void? And why cant he stop feeling so guilty for not being able to fill it better? Would Idia be happier if the real Ortho were here? Would he be braver, come out of his room more, finally live up to all that potential?

What is he doing wrong?

Malleus Draconia: His desire to be recognized by others. Its not like he's struggling for praise. He's been on a pedestal his whole life, praised for everything. He's the Briar Prince from out of time, one of the most accomplished magicians of the age, and a powerful force in his own right. So...its more than a little humiliating to feel like really all you want is to be treated like a friend. He pretends it doesnt bother him when he's constantly overlooked and excluded, because he cant imagine anything more degrading than letting them see that it DOES impact him. It will come to a boiling point soon enough. But for now he just tries to let Lilia and Silver fill the gap as much as they're able.

Lilia Vanrouge: When you get as old as Lilia does you learn to stop hiding from yourself. Immortality (or at least functional immortality) means that eventually you get bored with your own insecurities. Might as well either change them or accept them. As a result, vulnerability has a softer meaning for Lilia: its his children. He's not in denial, exactly, and yet how much he truly values them tends to be a little unspoken. He's more a playmate than a father at times. Make no mistake though: anyone who messes with them will make one of the most dangerous enemies in the world.

Sebek Zigvolt: His humanity (well. Half-humanity). Sometimes it really is that straightforward. We're learning about Briar Valley in bits and pieces. Humans may not be an underclass, necessarily, but I think its fair to say that they're held at arms length given how much pushback his mother received for marrying a human (especially a magicless one). And that TERRIFIES Sebek, a guy who wants approval from all relevant authority figures as fast as he can get it. It terrifies him to feel like he's been disqualified from something by virtue of birth. As a result, he lashes out at people closer to humanity than him and sucks up endlessly to fullborn faeries, hoping that they'll be able to validate him by proxy. He can grow out of this in time. But for now he feels himself teetering on the edge of some kind of abyss. He'll claw as hard as he can so no one will push him into it.

Silver: Shockingly functional bitch, considering the circumstances of his life. However, his core vulnerability is a mirror to Lilia. Silver's core vulnerability is his father. Largely, this is positive. Silver would do anything to keep his father safe and repay him for raising him. They have a warm and affectionate relationship, if a little odd by human standards. But unlike Lilia I think there really is a dark side to Silver's vulnerability. For as many lengths as Lilia went to to make sure he never felt inferior, children compare themselves to their parents. Its hard for Silver not to notice his own faults when he's put next to Lilia, Malleus, or even Sebek. And that's a hurdle. How is he supposed to repay them when his efforts must seem so laughable and meaningless? What can he provide that they couldnt obtain themselves without effort?

What good is he?

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jikookiekosmos · 3 years

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When I Dream of You || jjk

➥Pairing: best friend!jungkook/reader, husband!jungkook/reader

➥Summary: Jungkook always imagined being with you was like a dream come true, and after years of pining he can finally say it’s all he could have ever hoped for and more. But what happens now when Jungkook’s dreams about you no longer have a happy ending?

➥Genre: established relationship, (somewhat?) heavy angst, smut, fluff, hurt/comfort

➥Rating: 18+

➥Words: ~6.2k (little much for a drabble i know, sorry)

➥Content warnings: story mostly told from jungkook’s POV, jungkook has a nightmare, feelings of insecurity and anxiety, mentions of harassment (not much), yoongi to the rescue (seriously he’s the voice of reason i love him), making out, grinding, slight hair pulling, riding on top, reader is in control (and jk is happy about it), unprotected sex (safe sex is great sex), cumming inside, cute times in the shower, jungkook is actually the sweetest, reader and jk are so in love with each other it hurts, also jk saying ‘only for you’ is a thing i started and can’t stop now oops

A/N: hello! This is part of my Only for You (OFY) Drabble series, but it can be read as a stand-alone! Their relationship will make a lot more sense though if you’ve read OFY beforehand. This fic takes place roughly around a year after the events of OFY. (I also mentioned this in the post for OFY but for those who haven’t read it, the Kun in the story isn’t referring to any other irl person specifically, it was just a name I chose to make the initial story easier to write.)

As always, thank you to @dntaewithluv for being so supportive of me and motivating me to keep writing when there are times I feel like I shouldn’t. And for also being my beta-reader and just generally an amazing person, one of the best friends I could ever ask for.

I’ve written a few other drabbles and will list them below, along with a general timeline:

Use My Best Colors For Your Portrait - ~6 months after OFY

Stay With Me - a few months after this dream drabble

I know this is the most angsty thing I’ve written so far (update: Stay With Me now holds this title), but I got attached to these characters and wanted to tell more of their story so here we are. I basically wrote this all in one sitting because I’ve had this idea in my head for a little while and I was excited to get it out. I hope that if you read this, you enjoy it~

➥OFY Spotify Playlist (songs I listened to for inspo)

➥Series Masterlist

➥All Works Masterlist

taglist: @inlovewiththemoonn

⊱──────── ✬ ✬ ✬ ────────⊰

Jungkook was dreaming again.

It was a dream he’d had many times now, and it always started the same way. He watched as you appeared in the doorway of the chapel, ready to make your trek down the aisle.

You looked dazzling in your dress, and through the thin veil that covered your face, Jungkook could see the brilliant smile you wore, which caused him to break out into one of his own. Each step that brought you closer to him made his heart race faster, and it didn’t take long for you to finally be in front of him.

Well…somewhat in front of him.

He could only watch as at the last second, you turned slightly and were now standing in front of Kun, the man you were originally meant to marry. Jungkook’s stomach twisted with fear as he observed Kun lift your veil over your head and take your hands in his as you both stared into each other’s eyes. You, looking at Kun with all the love in the world, because that’s just how you were. And Kun, looking back at you, with a sinister expression that made Jungkook feel dizzy.

He opened his mouth to object, to speak, to do something but no sound would come out. Everyone around him that had gathered to see you get married were either oblivious to Jungkook’s obvious distress, or they just didn’t care.

They weren’t here for him, after all. They were here for you, in the same way that he was here for you, too.

When his legs could finally move without crumpling underneath him, he walked over to stand next to you and Kun as he tried to reach out to you. He couldn’t touch you, though, because it was like there was an invisible wall in between the two of you now. A wall he could still see through but couldn’t reach past. He moved back at the realization, only to be met with something similar hitting his back.

Jungkook whirled around and was met with the same thing, now surrounding him on all sides, trapping him inside some sort of box. A box where he could still see what was happening but couldn’t stop it despite what he did. He felt suffocated.

He was shouting from inside his new prison, banging on the walls, trying to make any sort of sound that would reach you. And he knew you couldn’t hear him; you didn’t spare even one glance his way. But he still had to try. The longer he let this go on, the greater the chance of losing you grew to be.

And the possibility of that, of losing you in any capacity, was something he couldn’t bear to even think about.

Jungkook could hear everything coming from your mouth. The cheerfulness in your voice was usually something he loved to hear under any given circumstance. But in this case, it was threatening to tear him apart. He listened dismally as the two of you started reciting your vows to each other.

And his heart started to break when he heard the words from the letter he’d tried to give you all those years ago. Tears were forming in his vision as he listened to Kun rattle off the words he’d written for you. Words he never got to claim as his own until much later, when it was almost too late.

He could feel his heart shatter at the sight of the breathtaking smile on your face as you two finished your vows, moving now to kiss each other and seal the deal.

He tried once more to call out to you, but any sound he could’ve possibly made would’ve been immediately drowned out by the cheering from everyone around you.

His legs gave out as he knelt down to the floor, helplessly staring at you as you linked your arm with Kun’s to walk back down the aisle as a newly married couple. It took the last bit of his strength to look up as you passed, and you didn’t notice him.

But Kun did.

Kun paused in front of Jungkook, still separated by that invisible wall, and he grinned. It was the kind of grin you’d expect from someone who’s sole purpose in life was to sabotage others’ happiness. Which, ironically enough, is exactly what Kun was now known for.

All Jungkook could do was look on while you left the chapel, followed by the many guests who had gathered for the ceremony. Only when everyone was gone was he able to move about freely, but he opted to remain seated on the floor there instead as the chapel slowly started to fill with darkness once the doors closed.

Jungkook awoke with a start, bolting upright and inhaling a sharp intake of air. He was covered in sweat that dampened his hair and made it stick to his forehead. His breathing was shallow, and it took him a few seconds to remember where he was.

He was at home, in his bed. It was nighttime and sleeping next to him was a figure who’d remained undisturbed by his sudden movement.

He cautiously looked over at your sleeping form. You were turned on your side, facing away from him, breathing peacefully. His eyes softened at the sight and he could feel his heartbeat start to slow down into a pace much less frantic.

He pushed his hair out of his face as he took a deep breath. He knew he should probably wake you, especially since you always told him to do so whenever he had nightmares. Lately, he hadn’t been having any bad dreams, so it had been a while since he last had to rouse you from your slumber.

He reached an arm out, only for it to gently fall by his side. He hated waking you unless it was really important, because he knew you sometimes had trouble sleeping, and this included falling back asleep if something made you wake up during the middle of the night. You’d been especially exhausted lately, what with the new exciting event that had suddenly happened in both of your lives.

Well, exciting wasn’t really the right word. Terrifying fit way better.

After managing to avoid Kun for over an entire year, he somehow turned up at your new place of employment one day, surprising you and frightening you all at the same time. He told the staff at the front desk that he was an ‘old friend, here to congratulate you on your new position.’ And they believed it, so they let him come up to your office unsupervised.

Let’s just say when Jungkook heard about that little ordeal, he was not pleased at all.

Ever since then, Kun had been borderline harassing you, even sometimes going as far as to try and talk to Jungkook during his shifts at the bar. That lasted for all of maybe 2 encounters before Kun found himself banned and unable to return.

You both thought he was out of your life for good after the break-up, but he was proving to be much more of a plague than you or Jungkook initially imagined. So yes, these recent events had maybe been causing Jungkook to have intrusive thoughts once again that translated themselves into the one recurring nightmare he used to have shortly after the two of you got together.

The nightmare of him losing you. You obviously didn’t end up marrying Kun, but you came a lot closer to it than Jungkook liked. And that wasn’t because he’d been pining after you for years; he could’ve dealt with that, if it ended with you being happy. It was more so the reason that your relationship with Kun hadn’t seemed genuine on his end, and Jungkook wanted better for you than that.

Sometimes he wondered if he was the right one to give you what you deserved.

He shook his head to keep more thoughts from seeping in, but he knew sitting here alone in the dark wouldn’t help with that for long. He glanced at the time on his phone. It was 2:08 A.M., so not too late, but most people were usually sleeping at that time.

Nonetheless, Jungkook pulled back the covers and swung his feet over the side of the bed to stand up. He moved as gently as possibly to not risk waking you, but on his way to the bathroom he had to pass by your side of the bed.

Your sleeping face was free of worry, and your lips were slightly parted as you were breathing softly. The sight made Jungkook’s heart thump. He couldn’t help himself when he leaned down to plant a gentle kiss on your forehead.

If you woke up, he’d just tell you he had to use the restroom and try to coax you back to sleep. You looked too cute for him not to kiss you, though, so he deduced it was worth the risk.

He padded off to the bathroom then, only wearing a pair of gym shorts. Every step he took was calculated so he didn’t make much noise, and when he finally made it to the bathroom, he closed the door as quietly as possible, listening to the faint click before he leaned against the sink.

He sighed and fished his phone out of his pocket, scrolling through his contacts until he found the name he was looking for. After dialing the number, he put the phone to his ear, and within 2 rings someone picked up.

“Kook? You ok?”

Jungkook smiled. “Yeah, Yoongs, I’m ok. Just needed to talk to someone, that’s all.”

He heard shuffling from the end of the line and he felt a small pang of guilt at the fact that he may have woken his friend up. But then again, it was Yoongi, and he wasn’t a stranger to being up at this hour.

Yoongi hummed. “Y/N not awake then, huh?”

Jungkook shook his head, despite Yoongi not being able to see him. Yoongi took his silence as confirmation.

“Hm, well you do know I love talking to you, but I am wondering why this time of night?”

Jungkook sighed. Better to get it over with than beat around the bush. “I had a nightmare.”

“Oh no,” he could hear the somberness of Yoongi’s tone. “Is it the same one, or…”

“Same one,” Jungkook answered without hesitation.

“Kook, we’ve been over this-”

“I know,” he groaned, running a hand down his face. “I know. Trust me, I don’t want to keep having this happen either.”

“Can you think of anything that may have triggered it?”

Jungkook tongued his cheek then. The more he thought about it, the only thing he could see as being a potential trigger for these dreams to come flooding back would be Kun’s unwanted reappearance.

While he was still thinking, Yoongi continued.

“Do you think it has anything to do with that asshole showing up again?”

Jungkook smirked. He knew how much disdain Yoongi had for Kun, and for good reason.

“Yeah, it’s exactly that, I’m almost positive.”

It sounded like Yoongi was moving again and Jungkook could just picture him now, sitting up and shaking his head in disappointment, not at Jungkook, but at the situation.

“Jungkook, I’m gonna level with you.”

Jungkook gulped.

“I honestly have no idea why you’re letting someone like that affect you. He’s not worth your time, he’s not worth Y/N’s time, not worth anyone’s time if you ask me. Letting him continue to have this kind of effect on you isn’t healthy.”

Jungkook sighed again, his breath coming out somewhat shaky. “I know, it’s just…it’s hard. It’s really hard, Yoongs. I can’t help but think of how close I came to losing her and fuck it hurts every time I think about it.”

“First of all, you wouldn’t have lost her, and you know that-”

“Yeah but seeing him is a reminder that I came close.”

“Jungkook,” Yoongi’s tone was stern now, and Jungkook immediately stopped talking.

Yoongi took a deep breath. “Like I was saying, you wouldn’t have lost her. You mean too much to her and she means too much to you for either of you to have let that happen. Give her a little more credit, yeah?”

At the mention of you, Jungkook’s lips curved upwards into a smile. He knows you’d never allow anything to take you away from him, outside of maybe some things beyond both of your control. But you certainly would never let someone come in between the friendship you both shared.

A friendship that had developed over several years and had now blossomed into a beautiful, loving partnership.

There it was again: you. Anytime Jungkook thought about you, it always made him happy. He was so in love with you and had been for so many years, so it was sometimes still surreal to him that you two were together now. Your smiling face was all he needed to get him through some days.

But right now the vision of you playing out in his head was the sight of you the night he found you in your house kneeling on the floor after Kun broke your marriage off. You looked so utterly broken, and Jungkook made a promise to himself then and there that he’d do anything in his power to make it so you never felt that way again.

“Kook? You still with me there?”

Yoongi’s voice roused Jungkook out of his thoughts. “Yeah, I’m here.”

“Good. You know I worry about you, kid.”

Jungkook smiled. “I know.”

“This is the first time you’ve had this dream in a while, right?”

Jungkook leaned against the sink again, looking at the tiled floor underneath his feet. “Yeah, it’s been months.”

“Then I want you to do something for me, ok?”

Confused, but intrigued, Jungkook shook his head. “Yeah, sure.”

��I want you to take a look at your left hand.”

Jungkook did as he was told, splaying his fingers out in front of him.

“Now tell me what you see?”

Jungkook’s breath caught in his throat as he looked at his gold wedding band as it glistened faintly in the light of the room.

“My wedding ring,” he answered softly.

“Exactly. Your wedding ring. It belongs to you. And it means you’re the one who’s married to her. Not him, not anyone else, but you.”

Jungkook could see exactly where Yoongi was going with this, and the thought made him almost tear up. Yoongi knew exactly what to say and when to say it whenever Jungkook needed reassurance about something, and this was one of those times.

“Jungkook, I’m gonna tell you this, and it’s something I want you to remember. Y/N loves you. She loves you so much. My God, sometimes it’s hard to look at you two because you’re always so lovey dovey like-”

Jungkook laughed. “Yeah, yeah, I get it.”

He could imagine Yoongi smiling on the other end. “Good. I think as long as you remember that, you’ll be ok. It’d probably still help to talk to her, though. You know how upset she’d be if she knew you were suffering in silence about your dreams again.”

Jungkook shakily inhaled, his grip on the sink behind him tightening. “I know. I’ll talk to her, probably in the morning since she’s still asleep-”

Jungkook cut himself off when he heard the soft sound of you calling his name. “Yoongs, I gotta go, thank you for answering and for everything else.”

Yoongi chuckled. “Anytime. Night, Kook.”

Jungkook hung up the phone and peered from behind the bathroom door. He saw you sitting up in the bed now, rubbing your eyes before you stretched. He was so fond of you, the sight made his heart swell.

He also noticed how the t-shirt you were wearing had ridden up some during your stretch and he could see the exposed skin of your thighs now now. He even thought that something as simple as you wearing a t-shirt was breathtaking. And when it was one of his t-shirts, like it was now – on some days it was enough to drive him crazy.

Now wasn’t the time for that though. He watched lovingly as you focused your eyes on him and smiled. He wasted no time getting back in the bed with you, seated with one leg crossed under him, his hand coming down to rest on top of your own.

“Hey,” you greeted him with a lazy kiss. Jungkook melted into the kiss when you deepened it, because after everything he just went through, any touch from you now was igniting all his feelings for you.

All of them, which is why he pulled back to rest his forehead against yours.

“Hey,” he said with a smile, nuzzling his nose against yours before pulling away to look at you. He could tell you were still sleepy, but you wouldn’t attempt to go back to sleep without talking first. Especially since he knew you could tell something might be off.

Your brows furrowed. “Koo? What’s wrong?”

Jungkook took a deep breath, intertwining his fingers with yours. “I had another nightmare.”

The immediate look of concern on your face made his heart lurch, and not in a pleasant way. “Baby, what happened?”

He brought up your hand to place a kiss on your knuckles, right above your ring.

“I had that nightmare. You know the one…”

You frowned. “Jungkook-”

“But it’s ok, really. I talked to Yoongi and I feel a little better.” He was looking anywhere but your face now, so you placed a hand under his chin, tilting it up so he’d look at you.

“You know you can always wake me up and talk to me.” You brushed your thumb across one of his cheekbones and he sighed into the touch.

“I know. You’ve been having trouble sleeping lately so I-”

“You also know that if I have trouble sleeping, usually cuddling with you helps. So please don’t use that as an excuse.”

Jungkook felt guilty again because he knew you were right. Before he came along, sleeping wasn’t always easy for you, but in the comfort of his arms, you found slumber much faster these days.

You took Jungkook’s face in both of your hands, your own chest twisting with pain at the sight of him. His big, doe-like eyes were shining with so much emotion, and all you wanted to do was take away all his worries.

“Do you know why you had that dream again?”

Jungkook nodded, absentmindedly brushing his thumb along your thigh. “Everything that’s happened with Kun lately, it- I don’t know, it just bothers me. It bothers me way more than it should. And I guess it just made me think again about- well, you know.”

Jungkook’s head hung then, and you leaned down so you could look into his eyes once more. He brought his head up to keep you from having to lean uncomfortably like that for too long.

“Koo,” you brushed a piece of his long, dark curly locks out of his face. “I love you. I’m in love with you. I know that things happened in the past that we can’t erase or change, but what we can do is focus on our future. Our future that we’re building together.”

He started to smile at your words, his heart lurching again now, but in a good way this time. Every time you told him you were in love with him, he felt like he could conquer the world.

“So please don’t worry about what almost happened or what could’ve been, because what matters is we’re here now. We’re here together. And I don’t plan on going anywhere,” you placed a quick peck on his lips, “Unless you want me to, that is.”

Jungkook quickly wrapped his arms around you and pulled you so you were straddling his lap, making you giggle as you tried to steady yourself. His hands rested comfortably against your waist and you placed yours on his shoulders. He looked up at you now with so much love and adoration.

“Never. I’m not planning on ever letting you go,” he accentuated his words with his grip around you by wrapping his arms more tightly around your waist to pull you closer to his chest. “Not until the day you decide you don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Well I don’t see that ever happening, so I guess we have nothing to worry about then, do we?” You booped his nose and he grinned, placing a hand on the back of your head to bring your lips down to meet his once more. The kiss was soft, yet passionate.

And it quickly turned into something more.

You deepened the kiss and Jungkook groaned into it, kissing you back now with a fervor that had you unconsciously moving your hips against him. He broke the kiss to lean his head back against the headboard, eyes shut and mouth parted.

“Fuck,” Jungkook panted. “I’m so fucking in love with you, Y/N. And right now,” he opened his eyes to stare at you again, tongue darting out to wet his lips.

His hand snaked underneath your t-shirt to brush at the skin he found there, pulling your head back down for another kiss.

“I want to show you how much I love you,” he whispered against your lips. “Will you let me?”

The sound of his voice shot straight to your core, and you were nodding before he could even finish his question. He chuckled against your lips before he started trailing them down your neck.

“Need to hear you say it, baby,” he spoke as his lips ghosted over your throat, his hold on you tightening.

“Please,” you breathed out, pulling at his dark tresses and making him grunt. “Please, Koo. I want you to make love to me.”

That was all he needed. Jungkook started placing kisses along your neck and down to your collarbone that was exposed from the collar of his shirt, his fists clenching around the material at the bottom of it.

“I love you,” he kept saying in between kisses. “Gonna take care of you.”

He started tugging your shirt up and you met him halfway, ridding yourself of the garment fast enough that it made him chuckle at your eagerness. He started peppering kisses all over your chest, kneading at your breasts, rolling your nipples in between your fingers and making your hips move faster.

You could feel him growing harder underneath you through the thin fabric of the shorts he was still wearing, so you sped up your movements, making him moan.

“These need to come off, don’t you think, baby?” You tugged at his shorts. Another moan came from Jungkook as he nodded, helping you move up so he could shimmy out of his shorts. He still didn’t think he could ever get used to that pet name coming from you, and he thought it was the sexiest thing ever when it fell from your lips.

Of course, Jungkook thought nearly everything you did was sexy. That was just the effect you had on him. Everything intimate was intense in the best way possible, and if this was what being in love felt like, he never wanted to stop being in love with you.

He loved you. He needed you. He wanted to be with you for the rest of his life. And he’d never felt this way about anyone else for.

He felt all of these things for you. Only for you.

Jungkook was pulled out of his thoughts of how much he loved you by the feeling of you grinding down onto him again, this time the only barrier of clothing between the two of you being your own panties.

Yeah, Jungkook wasn’t having that.

He made quick work of removing your soaked panties, laughing again at your enthusiastic impatience. He loved seeing that you wanted him as much as he wanted you.

“Be careful, angel,” He cooed at you as you tried to steady yourself on his lap once more. He rubbed his hands up and down your thighs while you huffed, a cheeky grin plastered on his face.

“Just wanna feel you already,” you said breathily, and the sound of your voice mixed with the words that fell from your mouth made him twitch. He knew he probably wouldn’t last long inside of you, and with the way you were already worked up, he figured you might not either.

But tonight wasn’t one of those nights where he planned on going for hours anyway (even though you both definitely could at times and boy did he love it when that happened). No, tonight was about him proving to you how much he loved you, telling you through his words and soft caresses and the way he took care of you.

And you did the same for him. Jungkook had never had anyone care about him before the way that you do. He knew you’d do anything to ensure his happiness, the same as he would for you.

And that’s also why he thought you were destined to be together. And he hoped he would never fuck that up, that anything would ever fuck that up.

Jungkook heard you whine from your place in his lap, still grinding against him to find some much-needed friction. You felt so good on top of him that he let himself enjoy it for a few moments, soft moans escaping his lips as he watched you through half-lidded eyes. You leaned down to give him another kiss, and in the same movement, he picked you up by your thighs under your ass and placed you back down where his tip was at your entrance.

He grunted against your lips as he felt you sink down onto him, waiting for you to accommodate to the stretch as you’d done many times before. You always told him you could handle it and sometimes you wanted him to be a little rougher with you from the get-go. Jungkook wasn’t at that level where he was comfortable with that yet.

But one day, he thought, especially with how good you feel around him, he just might be.

When he was finally completely inside of you, he waited just enjoying the feel of your warmth around his length. He brushed some hair out of your face, noticing how your eyes were glinting in the faint light of the room.

God, he could never get enough of staring into your eyes. He’d happily get lost in them over and over again.

Now, though, they were starting to close as you picked yourself only to drop down again a moment later. The action caused Jungkook to let out a throaty moan, eyes fluttering closed at the motion.

Hm. That was new.

Usually, Jungkook would guide you with his hands on your hips, and it wasn’t that he didn’t let you have control, it was more that you never really wanted to take control. So, seeing you decide to do it now was exciting and something he’d gladly let happen if that’s what you wanted.

To be sure though, he placed his hands on your waist. You placed yours on top of his and shook your head.

“Let me take the lead,” you said as you pushed his chest to where he was lying down more. “You can keep your hands here, but I want to do the work.”

Jungkook frowned, only because he knew you still had to be tired. “Angel, are you sure? I can help- fuck.”

You cut him off as you clenched around him before you started moving again, his hands constricting around your waist. You placed your hands firmly on your chest to help you get more leverage as you continued moving.

As you sped up, Jungkook leaned his head back into the pillow he was lying on, eyes screwed shut and the prettiest sounds falling from his lips. You watched as the muscles in his neck strained with the movement, and that alone made you want to mark him up.

But now wasn’t the time for that.

Jungkook managed to open his eyes and look at you riding him, the sight making him twitch inside of you. He thought you looked so beautiful like this, and you taking the lead was so hot to him, he knew he’d definitely not last long if you kept this up-

“Do you know,” you broke off to moan as his cock hit a spot inside of you that made your breath hitch, “do you know why I wanted to take control tonight?”

Jungkook swallowed and shook his head, rubbing his hands along your waist.

You smiled at him lovingly, taking one of his hands and bringing it to your lips before linking your fingers. The action made his heart soar.

“It’s because you always take such good care of me. I want to take care of you in that same way,” you squeezed his hand, letting your words wash over him.

“But you do take care of me,” he started to say, only to be interrupted by the feeling of your walls clenching around him again.

“I know. But tonight, I want to show you I know how to take care of you in this way, too. I want to show you how much I love you.” You leaned down, hitting a new angle that had both of you moaning as you brushed your lips against his. “Will you let me?”

Jungkook felt himself getting closer as you repeated his words from earlier. He nodded vigorously, kissing you with so much passion that you thought you might topple over. You sat up straight again and started moving faster, now pulling out as much as possible before dropping back down.

Jungkook’s high was approaching fast because of the combination of you taking control, the way you were riding him, and your words. He was feeling so many things at once and he tried to will himself to not let go.

He didn’t want to let go yet, not until you were there with him.

To help you along, he reached down in between both of you and started rubbing your clit, relishing in the feel of you around him as you stuttered in your movements. He smirked, knowing that even when you were in control, he still had an effect on you the same way you did him.

“Come on, angel, I’m right there, I want you to cum with me.” Jungkook’s voice was husky now, the pleasure threatening to overtake him any second. He bit his lip as he stared at you, watching as your head lolled forward on your neck and you started shaking from the overwhelming sensations coursing through your body.

“I’m almost there, Koo, I love you so much,” your sounds were increasing in pitch and becoming more frequent, so he knew you were close. All that was left now was for you to reach your high together.

He took your hand that was still intertwined with his and placed a kiss on the inside of your wrist. “I love you, too,” he said softly.

His response was enough to finally provoke your orgasm, it being so powerful that you fell forward on top of him. As you did, you were clenching so tight around him that his release wasn’t far behind. He grunted as he placed his head in the crook of your neck, filling you up, the familiar sensation of warmth making you shiver in his hold.

Both of you were trying to catch your breath, you now completely laying on his chest and his arms snaked around you. He placed a kiss on top of your head and you both just laid there for a few moments.

Jungkook was the one to break the silence. “Well, that was certainly something.”

You giggled. “Yeah, I enjoyed that, Don’t know why I haven’t done that before.” You felt his chest rumble with laughter underneath you.

“Me neither, but you can absolutely do it more often. I know I won’t be opposed.”

“Deal,” you said as you leaned up to place a kiss on his nose. “But only under one condition.”

“Oh?” Jungkook raised an eyebrow, intrigued at your proposition.

“You,” you said as you traced patterns on his chest, “need to stop being so cautious with me.”

A tiny frown etched itself onto his features. “Angel-”

“I mean it, Jungkook. I’m not some fragile thing that’s going to break anytime you stick your dick in me.” He couldn’t help the laugh that erupted from him, immediately apologizing afterwards because he knew you were being serious.

“I know you’re not, I just- I never want to hurt you.”

“And I’d let you know if you did. So promise me you’ll at least try to treat me a little less like I’m gonna break under your touch?”

He ran his fingers through your hair as you laid your head on his chest again. “I promise to try. I don’t just do it for you, though.”

You brought your head back up to look at him, quirking your own eyebrow. “Oh? What do you mean?”

He chuckled darkly, his stare alone making you throb. “I also do it so I can maintain some self-control.”

You laughed. “What’s so bad about losing control?”

He smirked. “Nothing, I guess. We’ll have to see though, won’t we?”

The suggestion made you tingle with desire, but you were unfortunately too tired to go again, so you figured it’d be best to leave it alone for the night. Jungkook finally pulled out of you, making you let out a small whine at the loss. Before you could say anything, he picked you up and carried you with him to the shower, as he did most nights when you two shared these intimate moments.

In the shower, he helped you clean off, and as he was washing your hair, you stared up at him, seeing his dark locks falling into his face with the weight of the water that drenched them. His lips were parted and his tongue was slightly sticking out as he concentrated on making sure he lathered every inch of your hair with shampoo. He looked so adorable like this that you couldn’t help but giggle.

You ran your hands along his chest now to help him wash off the soap, and your ring caught the light, glimmering faintly. Jungkook picked up your hand and turned it this way and that to watch the ring shine from different angles, before he linked your fingers together.

“I told you I’d get you a better one, didn’t I?” You rolled your eyes in amusement at the cocky smirk that tugged at his lips.

“You didn’t just tell me, you promised me.” You continued washing all the suds off of him as he wrapped his arms around you to bring you closer.

“And did I follow through on my promise?”

You pretended to think about it for a second, making Jungkook tickle you under the shower’s waterfall. “Ok! Ok! Yes, you did,” you said as you laughed. “You always follow through on your promises.”

“I try,” was his soft response. He nudged your cheek with his nose, which is something he did when he wanted a kiss, a habit you were very quick to pick up on in the early stages of your relationship. You wrapped your arms around his neck and stood up on your tiptoes, placing a gentle kiss on his lips that had him letting out a small sound of contentment.

“I love you. And I’m in love with you. Nothing, nor anyone, will change that.” You reassured him as you pushed his hair out of his face. Any doubts he still had you wanted to erase them all.

You wanted him to know that you loved him with everything you had.

He smiled, brushing his nose against yours. “I know. And I love you more than anything. All the love I have to give is for you.” He placed another soft kiss on your lips before he pulled back to quietly add, “Only for you.”

Those three words meant so much to you, and every time you heard him say them it made you fall for him even more, if that was possible. The two of you continued to hold each other and exchange lazy kisses until the water turned too cold to bear. After drying off, you both snuggled back into bed, with you falling asleep almost instantly, feeling safe in Jungkook’s arms.

He kissed the back of your neck and wrapped his arms around you securely, resting his forehead against your shoulder as you both laid on your sides. Your soft breathing let him know you were already asleep and he smiled, elated that he could provide you the comfort you needed to help you fall into peaceful slumber once more.

When Jungkook inevitably followed behind you, he was met with nothing but pleasant dreams, and all of them were about you.

#bts #bts smut #jungkook smut #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #jungkook au #jungkook x reader #jungkook scenarios #ofy drabble

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angelguk · 3 years

Text

what happens in this section is entirely a result of what guys voted please do not! come for my head in my inbox im begging. very sad in general like Angst with a capital A with a sprinkle of despair and pain. listen to mess it up by gracie abrams. roughly 2k.

(titled — out of line)

You thought Lucas would help, the warmth of his body a distraction from your aching heart, but he didn’t. Not the way you needed him to. He was sweet enough, made you giggle endlessly before finding his place between your thighs. But even with his tongue on your clit, your (now usually sober) mind still lingered on Jeongguk, his memory a stain on your soul. It didn’t help when you spotted him with a girl hanging off his arm, her bright eyes stuck on his face, soaking him in like the earth does the sun. You didn’t know her name – Chayoung took the liberty of whispering it to you after your biology lab. She was Hyeri, a sophomore with a delicate laugh and graceful disposition. That vile vindictive black thing that now inhabited your chest swelled, brain already comparing the differences between you and her. Your clumsiness suddenly felt like a curse, even though Jeongguk had countlessly said he loved you for it (or did he say that just to ease your worries?). Insecurities spring forth like weeds and you don’t have the capacity to keep the careful garden of your heart tended.

They take over slowly, your eyes stinging whenever you see them huddled together in the quad. Bitter tears blinked back, your blinkered senses overlooking how Jeongguk’s quiet gaze followed your figure whenever you turned your back to him, even with Yoona yapping at his ears.

Perhaps the despondency that clung to your bones is what led you here, face planted in the musky scent of Namjoon’s sheets, your heart throbbing funny.

“Can you even breathe?” He questions. The timbre of his voice washes over you, familiar and somewhat reassuring. You twist upright to face him, eyes squeezing tight when the bright fluorescent lights in his room assaults your vision.

“I was hoping my heart would give up if I held it in long enough.”

Namjoon stills, brown eyes flitting over you. He coughs like he’s working through various sets of words before he decides what’s most suitable. “And then what? I get framed for murder when they find your body here?”

You laugh, and it hurts. “Maybe. My body is very portable though, did you consider first burying me in the backyard?”

“Rookie mistake,” Namjoon returns. He rises to fetch the mugs of tea sitting idle on a stool he’d dragged from the corner of his room. “The sniffer dogs would fly straight to that location. Also, I’d have to dig a hole big enough to fit your head in.”

“And why would the dogs find me immediately?” You say, shuffling upright, palms ready to receive the tepid heat that will seep through the ceramic the moment the cup settles in your hand.

“Your perfume,” Namjoon says. He hands you the mug, heat fulfilling its chosen purpose, the scent of gentle jasmine wafting to your nose.

You pout then, glancing at him. “My perfume?”

“It’s distinct. Violet, right? Maybe vanilla too?” Namjoon says it easily, sinking beside you, utterly unaware of the ticking in your brain. Your gaze falters then, shifting to his broad shoulder and thick biceps. The ivy shirt he’s got on barely contains all that muscle in, fabric stretched thin.

You take a sip of your tea, and despite the period Namjoon gave it to cool it still scalds your tongue.

“Why do you know what fragrance I wear?” It comes out accusatory, but Namjoon handles it well, laughing low.

“You’ve had the same one since high-school, I think. And I remember you telling me.”

The fingers around your cup squeeze tight, your brain unlocking a moment you’d forgotten in the wake of brighter ones. A quiet afternoon at the back of your high-school, Namjoon towering over you, his nose trailing the hollow of your neck, a stray comment about how you smelled good washing over you. It was followed by a flustered younger version of you deflecting, heart pounding wild when Namjoon drew back to look at you as you rattled off the different sillages that made up your favourite perfume. He’d laughed, low like did just now, before calling you cute and pulling you in for a kiss.

“Oh,” you finally murmur. “I remember now.”

You were actually going to change it after your break-up with him, but then Jeongguk had mentioned how much he’d liked it and the bottle had stayed.

Namjoon hums, his gaze slow as it shifts around the room. It’s a space that screams of him, light wood tones and plants breaking from the pristine white walls. Space carved for nature, a grounding sensation living within these four walls – something that seems to live inside of Namjoon too.

“How are you?” He suddenly asks, turning slowly to measure your features.

You blink hard, only realising then that you’d been staring at his face for a second too long. “F-fine. I’m okay. Just busy, y’know. Finals coming up, planning events; the usual.”

“I know,” Namjoon says with a ginger smile. “But that’s not what I’m asking. How are you? With Jeongguk and everything.”

“Oh.” You can’t answer that, his unexpected brazenness shocking your system. The smile on his lips fades, a solemnness in the brown of his eyes. His next words are earnest, and they settle in the pit of your stomach.

“Y/N, I know you didn’t just come here to chat for no reason. We can talk about Jeongguk, that’s okay.”

“N-no, we don’t need it. We’re over. It’s been two months already. We’re seeing other people and I don’t really want to discuss one of my exes with another one. And maybe I did just come to see you,” you tack on an empty laugh at the end, hoping Namjoon doesn’t read right through you.

But he does. Like a part of you hoped he would.

“I’m your friend, you know. We had something but nothing like what you and Jeongguk have. Two months isn’t going to make a lifetime disappear. It’s okay if you still feel bad.”

That’s what cracks you, a well-aimed hammer knocking your walls right down. You bite your lip hard, fingertips pinching the ceramic in your grasp, and swallow the tears looming in your throat with a choked laugh.

“I’m fine, Namjoon. I feel a little like shit but I’m working on it. And Lucas is a great guy–”

“But he’s not Jeongguk.” The sentence feels heavy as if it carries the weight of many hearts on it. But it’s also a line you were thinking about earlier, even with Lucas pressed against you.

“That’s not what I would say–”

“But it’s what you were thinking,” Namjoon cuts. Maybe there’s a peephole in your head that only Namjoon has access to. “And that’s fine. It sucks for Lucas, though. But you shouldn’t feel bad for thinking that way. Especially when you know how special Jeongguk is to you.”

Special. The word is bright, glimmering like Jeongguk’s eyes do.

“I-I just–it just–I don’t know.” The tears you’d attempted to seal inside burst, slipping down your cheeks quiet. Namjoon pry's the mug from your hand, replaces its warmth with his own, and for a split second things feel bearable.

“Hey, hey,” he murmurs, a calloused palm on your damp cheek, his steadiness clearing away the gloomy skies in your head. But he doesn’t tell you to stop crying, doesn’t whisper that it’ll be okay. He just tugs you closer, rests your splinting head on his wide chest, and soaks up the tears on your face with his shirt. Like the earth does for the pouring heavens.

You eventually hiccup the despair down, finding the words to explain to Namjoon what you were feeling in between the moments where breathing didn’t feel like a race. He takes the news of Jeongguk kissing somebody days after your break-up with wide eyes, his eyebrows drawing together. And then comes the second girl, you don’t even know her name but it still cleaves something out of you. And finally, Hyeri. Her name is a lament.

“And it sucks because he looks happy with her and I still want him to be happy because I still love him. I love him so much it hurts.”

Namjoon cocks his head then, his wide palm sliding down your back. “You think Jeongguk looks happy?”

“Yes?” But it’s a question, your upward gaze on his face imploring.

Namjoon shakes his head instead. You don’t hear it, the following words a deep muffled murmur, “Both of you are idiots.” But you see the twinkle in his eyes and it makes your back straighten.

You want to pester but Namjoon pulls you closer, and you lose yourself in the feeling of him, before a question can register on your tongue. His arms are huge, like sturdy branches defying the blistering gales of your heart. He lets you cry for a little longer, listening intently to the continuing spew of words from your lips, until the storm quiets into a breeze.

“Okay?” Namjoon asks.

You stick your head further into his chest, breathe him in deep. “Okay.”

When he shifts away your skin freezes, but then you realise he’s reaching for a blanket. He swathes it around you fondly, pulling you in for a swift hug before falling out of your reach once more.

“Now, I think we both need a moment to process that.” He’s talking about but you’re not listening, your eyes on his face, gaze gently trailing the curve of his lips. “I also think we need food before we start unpacking the mess you’re in–”

You swallow the sentence with your lips, salt singeing the corners of your mouth. But your movements are not reciprocated, Namjoon’s mouth is still under yours. The soft hand on your neck guiding you away is what pulls you back, right out of that strange dark desperate ocean that held you.

“Y/N–”

“Sorry, shit–shit, I shouldn’t have done that.” But there’s no use now, you can’t take it back. Namjoon is looking at you with those eyes, the ones that feel like pity. His sympathy suddenly makes you feel sick, and you wish the ceiling would give away and shatter your head. “I should go.”

He tries to stop you, firm but gentle with his words and hands. But you’re a wild storm again and nothing can stop you from snatching your butterfly tote bag from the floor of his room and fleeing. The black thing that had been subdued for a moment reemergence with vengeance the second you hit the sidewalks, vision reeling. How could you do that? To Namjoon? To the stable friendship you'd created? But he felt too warm, too caring, too much of everything that you longing for and that Lucas could never give you.

Just a reminder of the swimmer's name as you skidding to a halt, the thump in your chest vicious. Maybe Jeongguk was right. Constantly painting yourself the victim while actively hurting the ones around you. Maybe you should have never let him kiss you again on that rooftop. Maybe you should have never tried to love him.

—

It’s silent in your head when you get back to your apartment. Sieun is home, finally back from her trip to her boyfriend’s parents place, so you’re not surprised to hear the soft hum of laughter filtering through the house. You don’t expect to find Chayoung there though.

They’re huddling in the kitchen, drifting out cheery greetings when you trudge it, only to fall silent when you mumble back a hollow response. A gentle song floating from the radio fills the empty space, three bodies navigating something tense.

“Were you with Lucas?” Sieun eventually pokes. She’s not a big fan of him. She’s not a big fan of the current break-up between you and Jeongguk either. She’s going to hate you for what you’re about to tell her.

“No,” you mumble. There are twenty notifications flashing across your phone screen, all from Namjoon. You feel sick, and you might cry again.

“Well? What’s with the long face?” Chayoung adds.

You take a deep breath, gripping the marble counter tight before twisting around. Better to rip it off all at once right? And there’s no way you could hold this inside of you, not when there is barely any room for your broken heart.

“I kissed Namjoon.”

“WHAT?” Sieun’s jaw slams into the ground and Chayoung freezes beside her, like her joints have suddenly been welded together. They stare at you for long you might have grown a second head during it. And then the questions come, a torrent erupting. You blank for a second, and then the guilt crawls up your spine. It may only be thirteen past five in the afternoon but you definitely need a drink.

#jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #jungkook drabble #bts x reader #i said this was gonna tomorrow but my brain said tonight so here we are #nobody ask me how we're gonna come back from this #this is ur fault!!#bts angst #jungkook scenario #jungkook fanfic

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theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin · 3 years

Note

Thoughts on the ship Rosalie/Bella?

While it’s a nice thought, sadly, I don’t think either Rosalie or Bella are what the other would ever seek in a partner.

Indeed, I think the other would be too close of a reminder to what they see in the worst of themselves. So, even in better circumstances, I don’t think they’d choose each other.

Let’s break that down.

What is Rosalie Looking For?

Rosalie’s past is one filled with brutal trauma, betrayal, and heartbreak. She has been violated by men in the worst of ways, betrayed by the man she thought would be her husband, and then has the surreal experience of being turned into something that, while alive, is not human.

She romanticizes the human life she could have had, clinging to it, never acknowledging that circumstances were such that she never would have had it.

Rosalie never was going to get that simple future of being a humble, good, simple man’s wife with beautiful children and a comfortable life. She was raised in society, uncommonly beautiful and charming, and was set to marry the wealthiest man she could. It might not have been Royce, she could have married a good man, but she would have married into this wealthy world and not ended up with someone like Emmett.

I think this is very telling.

For very understandable reasons, Rosalie has never confronted nor truly gotten over her trauma. Oh, she murdered her rapists and murderers, and put their deaths behind her, she married Emmett and has a (fairly) good relationship with him, but she hasn’t taken her full final steps to recovery.

I think this in part shows in her ending up with a guy like Emmett.

Emmett’s not bad, don’t get me wrong, but it’s very telling in what he loves of Rosalie and that Rosalie loves him for it.

He worships her beauty above all other things and is described as a very simple but pleasant and laidback guy. I think Rosalie is at the point where she wants to be worshipped, especially for the quality that was most valued in her human life, her beauty.

She wants to be with someone safe, someone who loves her, and that someone is definitely Emmett.

I think in the short run this works out very well for the pair of them and perhaps even in the long run. I think both could have chosen a better partner.

Rosalie is complicated, she’s not the shallow vain bitch Edward complains she is nor is she what Emmett seems to see her as. Emmett doesn’t really get his wife, or defend her all that much, he’s in love with her beautiful cheerleader persona. Rosalie, similarly, is in love with this man whose greatest attribute is his love of her. I’m sure there are moments she finds Emmett rather boorish and slow on the uptake.

What Do I Think Rosalie Needs?

To be honest, of all the characters where I raise my eyebrow at Meyer putting them with someone of the opposite gender, Rosalie’s one of the ones where they raise the highest.

Even Carlisle, when Rosalie drags in this man’s bleeding carcass, goes, “Oh, is this your cousin?” And has a “Him?!” moment when Rosalie explains this is her new husband.

I always would have expected, especially after her experiences, for Rosalie to be with a woman. That said, I do think her society’s prejudices and expectations would be a huge barrier for her and she’d have to do a lot of character growth before this would ever be possible. And I mean a lot of character growth, as in, Rosalie hasn’t reached this point even post Twilight saga.

Right, regardless of gender, I think Rosalie needs a partner who a) understands her b) does not value her looks c) accepts the good and the bad parts of her.

Like all of us, Rosalie is flawed. She’s a very impressive, down right intimidating, woman who has an iron clad will and gets what she wants. She has a deep love for her family and a great capacity for compassion. However, there are times when she’s the sixteen-year-old girl who has very much not escaped her society’s mindset. She fully advocates Bella Swan’s murder so the family won’t have to move, not realizing until Carlisle points it out that this is a heinous thing to do. Rosalie says vicious, racist, things to Jake likely never realizing exactly what it is she’s saying. She’s stubborn, proud, and as Edward put it a bit pig-headed.

Emmett tends to just go “Yeah, she’s a bitch, but she’s my bitch”. Which... great, thanks Emmett, that’s very helpful.

Bella Swan is Not That Person

Bella per the start of the series is a seventeen-year-old girl with cripplingly low self-esteem, huge parental issues, and a dangerous inclination towards depression.

Bella shows serious interest in women sexually (her relationship with Alice has some serious homoerotic undertones) but she’s also very intimidated by them. Rosalie, especially, makes Bella evaluate and feel worse about herself as she knows she will never be as beautiful as this teenage blonde goddess.

In other words, this Bella is not in a position to be the kind of person Rosalie needs. She’s too caught up in figuring out who she herself is, cares very much about Rosalie’s appearance and using it to compare against her own, and isn’t stable enough to be what Rosalie needs.

And by the end of canon... Well... Bella’s left the planet and will soon join Esme in being a hauntingly strange person entirely divorced from reality.

What if we’re in a slightly AU world?

Well, we’re banking on a lot of character development for Bella that I don’t believe can happen with Edward around. Either Bella shows interest in Edward or, well, he eats her. (No, seriously, this is canon, both Alice and Edward confirm as much.)

And if the family packs up and leaves during New Moon and never comes back... Well, of all the people Bella might end up with after that, I think Rosalie might just be the least likely (not to mention Rosalie would not be down for hanging around Edward’s stupid human girlfriend).

What is Bella Looking For?

Bella’s looking for validation of her very self. She wants to be loved, more than that, she wants to be worth something.

Bella has such a low opinion of herself that, at this point in her life, she needs this feeling to come from elsewhere. She finds this in both Edward and Jacob.

And it doesn’t matter how scary they are (and both are, indeed, very scary towards her), it doesn’t matter what it is they value, just that they both seem to want her even though she’s a foolish, clumsy, pale, ugly, human, nobody, loser.

That’s all Bella wants.

Edward’s a perfect storm in that he’s inhumanly perfect, beautiful beyond all comprehension, and completely obsessed with her. In Edward’s eyes, Bella is not just perfect, she’s fascinating.

And then, of course, she’s not and it utterly destroys her.

Basically, Bella’s is a very sad life.

What Does Bella Need?

Bella needs time to grow up and find out who she is and how to value that.

Bella is your very typical teenage girl. She’s precocious, has a lot of issues growing up with her mom, but she has a lot of issues many teenage girls do have.

I think, before Bella can find a truly good partner, she needs to learn how to value herself.

This will be painful and take a lot of time. In New Moon, I think Jake actually sets her back as she uses him to find value in herself for her (essentially replacing Edward).

Only after Bella discovers who she is, reaffirms why she is important and worthy of love, can she find someone.

What does that person look like?

Well, it sure as fuck isn’t Vampire Patrick Bateman, otherwise known as Edward Cullen. Nor is it Jake Black who sexually assaults her, tells her to kiss him or he’ll kill himself, then tells her that her dying is pointless as it means he and Edward fought over nothing.

It also isn’t Alice, who treats Bella a lot like she would a life-sized Barbie Doll rather than a friend and a human being.

I’m not sure who it is, to be honest.

Someone who recognizes who Bella is, certainly, the good and the bad. Someone who is able to... reconcile her with the world she truly lives in. Maybe, circumstances changing around a bit, it’s Carlisle Cullen? (Though that would certainly be a dumpster fire of divorce and despair with Edward and Esme) Maybe it’s Jasper (also a dumpster fire of divorce and despair with Edward and Alice)?

I really have no idea here. Unlike Rosalie, I can’t even tell you what this person would need to be like.

What I do know is...

Rosalie is Not That Person

Just as Bella views Rosalie as a threat, as something to measure herself against and feel unworthy of in every way, Rosalie does the same.

Bella is a pretty human woman who captures Edward’s attention in a way she never can. Rosalie, at the time we start canon, for all her accomplishments and all she’s done is still insecure enough that she needs to be the prettiest woman in the room.

Just as Bella’s not secure enough to be what Rosalie needs, Rosalie is not secure enough to be what Bella needs.

Rosalie also doesn’t see Bella for what she is. Rosalie sees, at first, a normal boring human teenager and dismisses her. She falls into the typical Cullen trap (for all but Carlisle) that they forget humans are people too. Later, Bella discounts Rosalie’s very earnest advice and Rosalie never forgives her for it. This is understandable, Rosalie lays her soul bare, but she forgets Bella’s a teenage girl and more can’t see what Bella herself is battling with.

Bella thinks being human is worthless because Bella thinks being Bella is worthless. Children and a human future mean nothing to her.

It would take a lot, A LOT, of character development for Rosalie to be someone that Bella needs in this situation and even then... Well, they’d have to deal with the horrifying shit show that is Edward. Because if Edward/Bella isn’t happening...

It’s lunch time.

TL;DR

I’d say pin your hopes on Alice/Bella, except that one’s not happening either for all that they do have their very homoerotic friendship.

#ask #anon #twilight

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perkynurples · 4 years

Note

... May I ask you about the slow excruciating progression from Meng Yao to Jiggy?

also paging @holdmycaffeine and @cadencekismet, who asked me for the very same, and @acutebird-fics, who is my partner in crime deep philosophical discussions about these characters, and a great deal of this messy essay is informed by those

Tl;dr: JGY is a multifaceted character and the author struggles not to lose her mind trying to find the right words to describe that. Literally every single point of this rant is up for discussion, begging for it even, so please don’t hesitate to engage me, but, like... tomorrow, maybe. After I sleep it off.

Meta I used or referenced: THIS ONE explaining how JGS deciding to give him the name GuangYao is all kinds of wrong | THIS ONE talking about the red bindi-like Jin forehead dots, among other things | THIS ONE about his capacity for evil and his own recognition thereof

Alright, without any fancy preamble, here goes. Honestly, whenever I think about JGY for more than three seconds, it becomes painfully evident that there are two wolves inside me at all times - one wants to spend tens of thousands of words exploring his narrative, his choices, his abilities and his failings, his capacity for violence as well as his capacity for love...

And the other one just likes to call him a gremlin in chief in a fancy hat, and doesn’t want to go much further than that. I’m going to try and feed them both.

The thing that pisses me off about Meng Yao is just. The fact that he doesn’t stay Meng Yao, and we get to watch it happen in slow motion. You get a tiny little twink-ass kid who suddenly finds himself adopted into the Nie by the Sect Leader himself, and this is Meng Yao, the son of one of Jin Guangshan’s many mistresses, who doesn’t have a whole lot going for him aside from that, at that moment - his cultivation, weak. His opportunities, nonexistent. His dick, small. His political savvy, only just starting to show itself.

And this guy gets the chance of a lifetime presented to him on a Qinghe-silver platter. Like, we can argue about book canon and try and decide if he did anything at all to make NMJ notice him, but show canon makes it all the more hilarious (again, please refer to this gem of a post for a level of humor I’m sorely incapable of) - you’re seventeen, and the Batman of the cultivation world picks you up and elevates your status across swathes of societal norms, to a level you previously could have only dreamed of.

It’s interesting to me to try and imagine if this was the moment that Meant Something - in the grand scope of things, of course it did, because it started MY on the road to JGY, but also to Meng Yao personally, in terms of what he believed he could comfortably achieve. I do not for a second believe he started out wanting to murder people to reach his goal, or that he even had a good goal to begin with - being accepted by his father, maybe. Murdering the (at the time) greatest villain in the world, becoming a renowned spy, landing an incredibly beneficial sworn brotherhood, et cetera et cetera? I mean, the kid has wet dreams, but no way do they reach this far at this point in his life.

But so many things about him are unclear. Show canon changes his timeline, in that he met NMJ before he met Lan Xichen, and even accompanied NHS to the Cloud Recesses. Either way, his stint with the Nie is incredibly personally important to him. I firmly believe he loved and admired them, in his own way. He certainly flourished under NMJ’s tutelage and approval, but in the end, his motivations, his entire raison d’etre, clashed with NMJ’s too much. To Meng Yao, who’d gotten kicked down those infamous Koi Tower stairs for daring to ask for his father’s attention, murdering a guy for slandering him and his mother was a natural outcome of being slandered his entire life, and finally having had enough - to NMJ, it was unforgivable.

But this still isn’t where Meng Yao becomes Jin Guangyao, and it begs the goddamn question - how much of what JGY was perfectly willing and capable of doing to stay in power, had been present in Meng Yao that entire time? You see him make excuses that someone who isn’t NMJ, with his incredibly staunch morals and black-and-white view of the world, might have even accepted, but instinctively, you know - making excuses is just how it’s going to be with this guy.

Because Meng Yao, as well as Jin Guangyao, lies, and he is damn good at it. He is so good at it, that he lies his way to the very top of the Wen, all the way to Wen Ruohan’s side. His lying is what enables him to become Jin Guangyao. And like any good liar, he doesn’t only lie to the people around him - he also lies to himself.

And I can’t blame him, because - been there. Lying to yourself becomes absolutely necessary, when you want to keep everyone else around you believing in a mask you wear. You need to start believing it, at least a little bit, at least sometimes, for it to work.

At this point, you’re probably wondering - but Annie, what about the time he spent a year sheltering Lan Xichen? Did he lie then? Was he not just Meng Yao, a poor but cunning bookkeeper, then? I’m getting there, I swear. Slowly and in a roundabout sort of way, because honestly, I don’t know how I can start talking about the LXC of it all, without it turning into a novel.

Because whichever way you twist it, whatever canon you choose to follow, one constant remains - A-Yao’s feelings for Lan Xichen. I’m deliberately not calling him Meng Yao or Jin Guangyao, because it’s these feelings that divide the two, but also ultimately unify them, fatally so. But we’ll get there.

In one version of events, Meng Yao travels to Cloud Recesses at the behest of NMJ, and falls in love with a statue made of jade there. In another version of events, they meet during something LXC only describes as ‘the shame of a lifetime’. Both of those events lead to Meng Yao sheltering LXC, hiding him, saving his life and those precious Gusu Lan texts.

Whatever version of events you choose to see as the right one, one other truth also remains - Lan Xichen offers freely and without asking that which Meng Yao has had to struggle to attain, that which has been denied to him time and time again, based only on the circumstances of his birth: respect. Lan Xichen never looks down on him, never brings up his origins, and instead extends him respect and dignity in a way only he is capable of - no fucking wonder Meng Yao admires him. No fucking wonder, when this amazing guy, this perfect pristine handsome number one young cultivator, looks at him, smiles at him, and actually sees him, son of a whore or not.

No fucking wonder Meng Yao loves him, and Jin Guangyao continues loving him. No fucking wonder he never means to hurt him, but does so anyway.

But here’s the thing - lying to yourself to make things work only gets you so far. Do I think Meng Yao spends restless nights in cold sweat dreading who he’s becoming, thinking about all the lives he’s taken to further his goals? Absolutely not. Do I think he does good things, often even great things, because it helps him feel better about himself? Do I think he both loves Xichen and keeps him around because it’s beneficial to him, having the Lan Sect Leader in his pocket, but also personally speaking, having someone who so firmly believes in the goodness in him? You bet your overly adorned murderhat I do.

And frankly, reducing Jin Guangyao to one or the other - coldblooded murderer or a man plagued by his own insecurities, helpless and trying to be kind in a world that’s so evidently against him - is doing a character like him a huge disservice. You have to consider all sides, if you want to truly understand him. Hell, I myself am by no means claiming to truly understand him! He pisses me off daily, and I’m writing this stream-consciousness-y thing because he simply won’t shut up in my head.

This kid makes Choices, and here’s the catch - he doesn’t regret a whole lot of them. If anything, I’d like to think he regrets going along with his father’s plans for so fucking long before finally realizing that avenue won’t bring him what he seeks. Killing Jin Guangshan, by the way? Very sexy of him, that I’ll admit. Guy was a pig.

But even the obviously Good Choices he makes? Building those damn watchtowers? Letting Mo Xuanyu stay at Koi Tower? Seating Qin Su by his side at that same throne where his shitty father entertained concubine after concubine? (Frankly, please make up your own mind as to whether he was lying or telling the truth about learning about Qin Su being his sister before or after they’d consummated their marriage, I’m choosing to believe that he hadn’t known.)

How much of it really happens out of the goodness of his own heart, and how much of it happens because he wants to improve his own reputation, kintsugi away the minuscule cracks in his own image until he’s once again a perfect picture of Jin gold? Is he himself even capable of telling the difference, recognizing where his good intentions end and his desire to look out for number one begins? When you spend so much time crafting your own perfect mask, in your own head as well as others’, the lines blur real fast.

I think ultimately, he craves respect as much as he does pity, and those two never mesh well - the cultivation world never truly accepts him, his father certainly never truly accepts him, but Jin Guangyao is not Wei Wuxian, he can’t just look at all of these perceived injustices and slights, all of this gossip and slander, and say ‘Whatever’. No, Meng Yao takes one look at the world standing against him so very vehemently, and decides to fight it, fight tooth and nail for his place in it, until he comes out Jin Guangyao on the other side, gilded and pristine, ascending the stairs of Jinlintai to exact his revenge on anyone who dares not accept him.

The Guanyin Temple, in a way, is a perfect little vignette of his character - we observe him wildly oscillating between seeking out the aforementioned respect and pity, confessing boldly and laughing loudly one second, and pleading on his knees and clutching onto Lan Xichen’s robe the next. To him, that night, and everything leading up to it, is a series of footholds - the ground begins crumbling under his feet when he learns of the letter, and he has to act fast.

He buys himself time, excuse after excuse, thinking on his feet, and here’s the thing - he’s not necessarily the best at that. Anymore. Up until that point, until the letter and Qin Su and WWX turning up, everything is going according to plan, and his plan at this point is, frankly, correct me if I’m wrong, sitting pretty at the top of his golden tower and making sure the truth about him never comes to light, which... Well, we all know the truth has a nasty way of coming around when it’s least convenient for you.

And I think Jin Guangyao (not Meng Yao) is, at that point, unused to being inconvenienced. Everything he ever does, he calculates, he twists the public opinion of himself, he twists individual people’s opinions of himself, to suit him - nothing unexpected ever happens anymore, because he’s played the game long enough to foresee most things. Nie Huaisang beats him at that same game, not because he has a huge plan spanning decades of his own, but because he’s good at improvising, kicking the hornet’s nest and then knowing where to direct the fallout - but that is another essay all of its own waiting to happen.

For now, I feel like I need to wrap this up before I lose my mind. Personally (and please feel free to challenge me on this any time), I don’t feel like there’s a single defining moment, or even a handful of them, traumatic or otherwise, that irrevocably turns Meng Yao into Jin Guangyao. Sure, being kicked down the literal stairs leading to a better place for you a handful of times will have you feeling some kind of way. Sure, serving a maniacal warlord while playing an impossibly high-stakes game of spy poker will leave a mark or two. Sure, your sworn brother spitting in your face the very insults you’ve been hearing your whole life and never learned to shake off, will make one more vestige of patience inside you irrevocably crumble to smithereens. But.

Your whole life, you work very, very hard. You know to put your head down and get your hands dirty, but you also know that sometimes, the best way out of a hairy situation is turning on those puppy eyes and appearing just a smidgen weaker, a smidgen more frightened and helpless, than you actually are. And if, when you actually tell the truth and people still don’t believe you, lying becomes easier, becomes, eventually, so easy it feels as natural as breathing? Well. Might as well use that particular skillset to sneak your way through a war, am I right? Might as well use it to build yourself a nest among the very vultures who resent you, and whom you resent, and make sure that they have to respect you.

In the end, to me? Jin Guangyao is the guy who jumps from person to person, from callout to very personal callout, there in the Guanyin Temple, just to stall for time, just to regain some sort of foothold in the situation - he’s the guy who probably views losing an arm as a necessary sacrifice, shakes it off and still gets to work from there.

Meng Yao is the guy who wants to take his mother with, and who asks Lan Xichen the one question he’s dreaded knowing the answer to his entire life - not ‘will you stay and die with me?’, but the one that hides beyond that.

Is this what devotion is? Respect? Love? Is there, at this moment in time, enough of all of those things in your heart that you will, in fact, stay and die with me?

When Lan Xichen says yes, without words but still loudly enough to be understood without a doubt, Meng Yao is relieved, while Jin Guangyao is vindicated.

When Lan Xichen says yes, neither version of A-Yao needs to hear any more than that - the seventeen-year-old boy shooting a shot way above his station and loving a statue made of jade, who wants Lan Xichen to survive, and the man wearing the wrong name and the title of the first Chief Cultivator of his generation, who wants Lan Xichen to live with the weight of all his mistakes and misgivings, are both, for once, in accord. They’re both happy, and they both make that final push to save him.

In conclusion, if there even is one to this jumble of random thoughts... Jin Guangyao and Meng Yao are one and the same. Aspects of one can be found in the other, but neither feels remorse about his choices. Both of them, in turn, are capable of amazing things. Both of them are, in fact, capable of decidedly horrible things. One builds a wall around the other so thick, so impenetrable, you only catch glimpses, and only the ones he allows you to see. One learns very quickly that vulnerability is dangerous, unless employed proactively, and the other one perfects the craft.

Both of them believe they are perfectly justified in their actions. Both of them believe their own line of reasoning, their own excuses. Both of them want to be loved, for very different reasons, or for the very same ones, at the end of the day.

Both of them aspire to greatness, Meng Yao some vague idea of it instilled in him by his mother teaching him to believe his own worth, Jin Guangyao a more concrete vision of it, always one step ahead, one step higher up those gilded stairs. Both of them are willing to excuse a whole lot to reach it, too.

And when Jin Guangyao finally stands in Koi Tower, properly this time, wearing that coveted golden peony, wearing that red zhushazhi and a much nicer version of the hat his mother always told him to wear, but also wearing the wrong fucking name, one that barely gives him a spot in the family he belongs to by blood?

All he needs to do is take one look in the mirror to see Meng Yao staring back, always there with him, always ready to remind him where he came from. He’s seventeen years old, and he just buried his mother, and somewhere out there, the rest of his life awaits. His smile is all dimples, and that, too, they have in common.

Time to get to work, Meng Yao suggests, and Jin Guangyao agrees.

#jin guangyao #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #so this is..... a thing.#honestly I'm. i can't say that eloquence was my primary goal here #can't really even be sure WHAT the primary goal was #but this is now a thing that exists so take it off my hands I suppose #while I go make some hot chocolate and think of bunny rabbits and rainbows for a while #to cleanse my palate #Anonymous #ask #jgy #my meta

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sou-ver-2-0 · 4 years

Text

Sou Hiyori and Kanna’s Sister Parallels

In my short time in the Your Turn to Die fandom, I haven't seen anyone discuss the similarities between our Sou Hiyori and Kanna's older sister Kugie. This subtle parallel is one of the many fantastic writing details in this game, and it happens to be my favorite one. So I wanted to talk about it!

I love the irony that the characters in YTTD draw a more obvious parallel between Kugie Kizuchi and the game's protagonist, Sara Chidouin. Both Sara and Kugie are high-school aged girls, and Sara often plays the part of Kanna's big sister, leading Kanna to project her feelings for Kugie onto Sara. Although this is sweet, it's still a superficial parallel. Sara and Kugie play the same role, but how similar are they really? If you choose to chat with Kanna on the first day of Chapter 2's storyline, Kanna will tell you the truth about her adoptive sister. Instead of idealizing her, Kanna paints a more complex picture of a flawed young woman. Unlike Sara, Kugie bullied Kanna when they first met. It took time for the pair of them to feel like real siblings. On a deeper level, Kugie's own mini-character arc is very different from Sara's arc, but it perfectly mirrors Sou's arc!

Both Kugie and Sou have a cruel streak and they each make rash judgments about other people. However, they eventually reveal with their actions that they truly love Kanna deep down. While Sara can make the choice to abandon Kanna, both Kugie and Sou would die for the girl. Because of the striking parallels I see between Kanna's memories of Kugie and Kanna's present relationship with Sou, I want to believe that Kugie was just as willing as Sou was to die in order to save Kanna's life. Kugie's story effectively acts as a microcosm of Sou's story. So let's take a close look at it.

KANNA: ...Sara... / You're just like... my sister.

SARA: Huh...?

KANNA: Your strength... and your kindness... / ... / But my sister... / Wasn't always kind from the moment we met.

SARA: (The moment they met...?)

If you speak to Kanna during negotiation time on Day 1 of Chapter 2, the girl begins her story by telling Sara that she's just like her sister, since Sara shares Kugie's "strength and kindness." However, she admits that her sister "wasn't always kind from the moment we met." This is the first major difference between the two girls, and it's what clued me into the idea that Kugie's story might be a metaphor for Sou's story instead. It's also an early moment in which Kanna reveals that she's not as naive as people think she is. She's aware that Kugie was flawed, just like she's aware of Sou's flaws. She keeps choosing to believe in their capacity for good, even as she understands that they are capable of hurting her.

Following this revelation, we come to a notable choice.

1. CHOICE: You aren't blood-related?

SARA: ...Kanna. Are you and your sister not blood-related...?

KANNA: ...Right...

2. CHOICE: Guess I win

SARA: I was nice from the start, so guess I win.

KANNA: Ah... Even the way you say weird things like that is just like my sister...

SARA: (Strangely, that just got her more emotional...)

Sara can either ask "You aren't blood-related?" or smugly observe "Guess I win." Either way, Kanna will steer the conversation back to her adoption by the Kizuchi family. But the choice to declare "victory" over Kugie here fascinates me, since it's easy to connect this competitive sentiment to Sara's relationship with Sou. While Sara and Sou are obviously in a competition for their lives, what ends up mattering more is their competition for Kanna's affections. In both cases, Sou is painfully aware that he's the underdog with "zero percent chance of success." Sou is sure that Kanna would choose Sara's life over his life, if she were forced to make that awful choice.

For Sou, who believes that Kanna loves him less, his moral dilemma is whether to support Kanna in spite of this. The fact that he supports her unconditionally in the second Main Game speaks to his strength of character. He proves that he truly values Kanna more than his own life. For Sara, who already feels comfortable in the "victory" of Kanna's devotion, the moral question becomes whether the player will make choices that are worthy of the girl. Will you help Sou protect her? Or will you decide that Kanna's life is worth less than Sou's hacking skills? Sara's choice determines whether she truly shares Kugie's "strength and kindness."

I'll come back to Kanna's feelings on this "competition" later. For now it's enough to say that she recognizes that competitive streak in Kugie too, and that memory makes her "emotional." It shows how she loves these three characters even when they say "weird things." Again, Kanna is aware of Sara, Kugie, and Sou's flaws but still feels affection for them. That's just how it is when you love someone.

Kanna continues her story:

KANNA: ...See, Kanna's adopted.

SARA: ...!

KANNA: She came to her current family from an orphanage when she was little...

SARA: So you had different parents, too?

KANNA: Mom and dad were really kind... / Kanna... was determined to always smile, childishly thinking "I can't trouble them." / ...And Kanna's sister didn't seem to like her...

Here, Kanna reveals that she has always had the type of personality where she tries hard to please others. She was worried about being a burden long before the Death Game, but for a more ordinary reason; she's adopted. She's always been self-conscious. Her ongoing heartbreak and anxiety comes from a deep place of worrying that her big sister doesn't love her. This informs her current relationships with both Sara and Sou.

At this point, the narrative shifts to a flashback of Kanna's memories.

MOM: Stop it, Kugie! Why do you do such cruel things?!

KANNA: No, it's fine! Kanna's not angry... She's not, really... / Look, see! Ahaha... Ehehehehe...

KUGIE: ...What're you always laughing for?

KANNA: Huh...?

KUGIE: ...You're creepy. I hate it.

DAD: Hey, stop that! Apologize, Kugie!

Kugie calls Kanna "creepy" and even says that she "hates" that part of her. Sara can't ever say such cruel words to Kanna; the worst you can do as a player is speak sternly to her sometimes. But Sou absolutely can say cruel things. He has called Kanna "stupid kid," "dead weight," and a "hindrance" in front of the entire group. And just like the Kizuchi parents scolded Kugie for her mean words, our group members condemn Sou for his mean words.

Now, we know Sou wasn't actually speaking his heart with those words. He didn't have malicious intent. (In fact, he was trying to save Kanna's life.) Sou said those words because he wears a mask to cover his true self. That's the essence of his character. He tries to sound tough and logical to force people to take him seriously. He assumes that once he lets his guard down and shows weakness, everyone will vote to kill him. He becomes a bully because he's insecure.

What if Kugie was also wearing a mask when she bullied Kanna? Not because of the Death Game like Sou, but for a more ordinary reason. Maybe she was simply trying to sound "cool." Maybe Kugie bullied Kanna because she was also insecure, and it would be easy to take out her insecurity on a little girl like Kanna. Kanna is an awkward child who speaks in the third person and laughs for no reason. It would be easy for an older girl to look at Kanna and think, "At least I'm not as embarrassing as that." Even though we don't know Kugie as well as Sou, I think it's a logical assumption.

KANNA: Even then, I kept on smiling... I didn't... want to make sister out as a villain. / But one day, when it became unbearable... I ran away from home.

This is the saddest part but I love it because it's a direct parallel to what Kanna says about Sou!

During the Second Main Game, when Kanna confesses that she took the Sacrifice card from Sara, she says, "Kanna...Kanna...!! She didn't want to let Sara die...!! And also...!! She didn't want to make Sou a murderer...!!"

The things Kanna does for these two!!

In other words, there comes a point for both Kugie and Sou where their actions are so harmful that Kanna feels like she has to throw herself away to thwart their "villainy." She runs away from home. She takes the Sacrifice Card. Because she doesn't want these two people she loves to become villains.

We continue Kanna's story with another flashback. This time, it's accompanied by visual imagery of a small Kanna sitting by herself and crying while hiding her face under a bucket.

KANNA: ...sniff... sob...

KANNA: (narrating) I couldn't go home. I didn't want to... Thinking that to myself, I sat in the park with a bucket on my head and cried.

This is Kanna at her most vulnerable. She is isolated and alone. She has given up.

In the present day, Kanna has many hopeless moments like this since she has just lost her sister, the person she loved most. We can judge any of the game's characters by how well they treat her, the most vulnerable among them.

In Kanna's memory, there is a character who comes to speak with her at this time. A little boy who tries to joke with her and cheer her up. Kanna only remembers him as "Brat," but to the player, he looks an awful lot like a small Joe Tazuna! The following confrontation between Kanna, "Brat," and Kugie is my favorite part, because it leads to my favorite parallel.

BRAT: Hey! Whatcha doin'? / What's with the bucket?! Yer funny!

KANNA: ...sniff... sniffle...

BRAT: Huh? You cryin'?!

KANNA: ..........

BRAT: ...Alright. / *He lifts his shirt over his head.* How's that! Ehh?! Look at me! C'mon! Funny, right?

KANNA: ...uuuuu...

VOICE (KUGIE): What're you doing?!

BRAT: ...Huh...?

KUGIE: How dare you put a bucket on her head and tease her!! Beat it, you!!

BRAT: I-I wasn't teasin' her!

KUGIE: Liar!! Kanna's crying, isn't she?! D-Don't... be so cruel to my little sister!!

KANNA (narrating): ...That was the first time she called me "little sister"...

In the scene, "Brat" greets Kanna and tries to cheer her up by being a goofball. However, Kugie sees this and gets the wrong impression. She assumes that the boy is hurting Kanna and she rushes to her little sister's defense. As a result of Kugie's actions, Kanna finally sees Kugie's true loving heart.

This is, beat for beat, exactly what happens when Sou confronts Sara about Kugie's smartphone. Just like Kugie wrongly assumed that Joe was bullying Kanna, Sou wrongly assumes that Sara tampered with Kugie's smartphone to make it seem like Kugie hated Kanna. Even though Sou is wrong--Sara was trying to fix the smartphone, just like Sou was--this is the first moment that the player can see Sou's true heart. We learn that Sou's reasons for targeting Sara aren't due to him being some scheming mastermind; he's simply suspicious by nature and he makes rash judgments. He acts the way he does because he genuinely believes that Sara is dangerous. And for the first time, we see how deeply Sou cares about Kanna. We see him stand up to Sara to defend her. Then we see how he wrote a message full of love and hope on Kugie's phone.

When Kanna finally receives the phone, she cries "tears of salvation" over Kugie's new message. But Kugie's words are really Sou's words. And by the time we reach Chapter 3, we learn that Kanna knew the truth the whole time.

(KANNA): Kanna was always with her big sister. / Because she loved her a lot… / But Kanna was always just a bother to her… / Even that time when it mattered most, she couldn't do anything. / So she thought she was hated… / But that message... made her remember. / That surely, her big sister was watching over her… / That she had to stay strong on her own… / But, well… / The truth is, she knew… / That it wasn't her sister who wrote that message… / *Kanna remembers Sou's face.* .... / ...There's people who tried to protect Kanna. / There's people who worked to encourage her. / So... she doesn't want anyone else to die. / Because... they're all such kind people...

In the game, Kanna shares these thoughts with the player in the aftermath of Sou's death. This is the scenario in which Sou gets to complete the same arc as Kugie. They both sacrifice themselves to save the little sister they love so much. I'm sure that Kugie would have been grateful for Sou's help in writing that message and saving Kanna's life.

I'll finish sharing the rest of Kanna's story about Kugie:

KUGIE: ...You still crying?

KANNA: S-Sorry... sister...

KUGIE: ... / ...So you cry too, Kanna.

I think the wording of that last sentence in English is interesting. The obvious interpretation is that Kugie realizes that Kanna has been secretly crying and hiding her true self all this time. But on another level, I wonder if Kugie is admitting that she herself "cries too"? That would confirm Kugie's insecurity. And it would make this a moment in which Kugie sees herself in Kanna, just like it's implied that Sou sees his "weak self" in Kanna. In any case, this "unmasking" of Kanna's true heart is a good parallel for Sou's story as well. Kanna also hides her feelings like he does.

KANNA: ..........

KUGIE: .......... / Kanna... I'm sorry...

KANNA: ...Sister...

KUGIE: Mom and dad are worried, so let's get home quick, okay?

KANNA: O... Okay! Eheheh...

It is possible for Sou to apologize to Kanna in the prologue of Chapter 2, Part 2. His wording is more ominous than Kugie's, though he keeps Kugie's sentiment about returning home: "...Sorry. / Just relax. If you’re obedient, I’ll tell you how to survive."

Continuing with Kanna's story, the narrative shifts back to the present day.

KANNA: ...Ever since then, my sister and I got along really well.

SARA: I see...

KANNA: Without any blood relation... Kanna and her sister got along really... really well... / ..........

I love this line because it can apply to Sou as well, since he isn't blood-related to Kanna either. All of Kanna's protective siblings commit to her well-being by their own choice.

SARA: Kanna...

KANNA: Kanna... will definitely go home...! Because she needs to tell mom and dad...! / Determination... / A kind of determination... much too heavy for a girl her age to bear. / ...I should be going soon. Sou might wake up, after all... / Thank you very much... Sara.

Kanna ends her story with a determined speech to return home and honor Kugie's memory. As we read earlier, Kanna gives a similar determined speech in the aftermath of Sou's sacrifice. Later in Chapter 3, she further expresses a desire to honor Sou’s memory, saying “I want to know more about the man who sacrificed himself for me.” This is Kanna at her strongest! This is a Kanna who wants to live!

I mentioned earlier that I would come back to Kanna's feelings on the "competition" between Sou and Sara for her affections. Because Sara resembles Kugie physically, everyone believes that Kanna would choose Sara over Sou. Kanna even says that Sara is "the person she most wants to live." That is Kanna's emotional appeal to save Sara from being voted as a candidate. In the event that Kanna dies, Keiji rubs Kanna’s words in Sou's face at the beginning of Chapter 3, leaving Sou desolate.

But it's important to note that Kanna's choice was always to save both Sara and Sou. To say that she would abandon Sou discredits what actually happened. After Kanna makes an emotional appeal to save Sara's life, she shrewdly makes a logical appeal to save Sou's life. And when Sou tries to direct the votes to Kanna, thinking she has the Sacrifice card, Kanna easily thwarts his efforts by simply telling the truth. Kanna was the only character who chose to be honest about the Sacrifice Card, because she never intended to let anyone else die for her.

Kanna's choice was to reject the “competition” outright. She doesn't even take it seriously. Her reasons for taking the Sacrifice card were twofold: to save Sara's life, and to save Sou's soul. It's never a real question for her which person she values more. She would have died for them both.

This matters because Sou doesn't parallel Kugie in such an obvious way like Sara does, but the parallel is still there. It's subtle enough that Sou can't even see it. He never feels confident in Kanna's affection, which is why he ordered her, "Kanna. / Don’t you betray me." He can't see what's right in front of him: that Kanna cares about him as though he were her own brother.

In contrast, Sara feels self-conscious about the comparisons people draw between Kugie and herself. She always feels awkward about it. She is fully aware that Kugie was her own person, and Sara can only pretend to understand what she was like. I really like the way that the manga treated this issue. Although the manga cuts out many of the excellent character moments from the game, it adds more focus on Kugie.

Sara thinks to herself, "I don't know...how many regrets that person had..." which neatly foreshadows that Kugie would have regretted bullying Kanna. Speaking of regrets also reminds me of Sou, who--in the route where he dies--regrets not trusting everyone sooner.

I wanted to end this piece on a happy note, so I'll just say that I like to imagine that Sou and Kugie would have gotten along! Maybe they would even be able to see through each other's masks and help each other. They could work together to protect Kanna, and the Player could choose whether Sara joins them.

#yttd #your turn to die #kimi ga shine #sou hiyori #kanna kizuchi #shin tsukimi #sara chidouin #kugie kizuchi #sou and kanna #sara and kanna #kizuchi sisters #sou and sara #mine #meta #my meta #your turn to die spoilers

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beneathstarryskies · 4 years

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NSFW Alphabet: Remus Lupin

This wasn’t requested by anyone, I was just bored as hell so here we are. I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. :)

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Remus is absolutely the softest after having sex. You could almost say Remus loves the aftercare just as much as the sex itself. The intimacy of it, and how beautiful you look in the afterglow.

If we’re being honest, he’s in awe of how wonderful making love to you is every single time. So, he likes to stay close to you afterwards. He’ll hold you close, and whisper quietly in your ear while playing with your hair. He tells terrible jokes because he loves to hear your laugh.

When it’s close to the end of the moon cycle, he tends to get rather rough with you during sex. Often times he will praise you for being so good to him, and if he’s left marks on you he will soothe them.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He is pretty insecure, so truthfully he doesn’t have a favorite part of his body. If he has to choose something to like about himself, it would be his height. Although this is directly tied to how much you love his height. He enjoys the way your eyes widen and you look so sweet when he’s towering over you. He also loves it when you have to stand on your tiptoes to kiss him.

“Every part of you is my favorite part,” is his default answer when you ask. However, deep down he’s partial towards your thighs. They simply offer such a plethora of delights: Kissing them, biting them, laying his head on them so you can play with his hair, burying his face between them, gripping them when you ride him. Thighs.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Remus doesn’t like to make too much of a mess, which stems from his constant fear of being a burden. He prefers cumming inside of you, as it just feels much more intimate to him. He is also deeply appreciative when you swallow during oral.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

While teaching at Hogwarts, he used to fantasize about you giving him head beneath his desk constantly. There’s no telling how many times he had to jack off between classes because that thought would creep into his mind.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Due to his condition, he’s not overly experienced. He’s always been rather afraid of losing control during sex.

He does have an idea of what he’s doing mostly because Remus is such an avid learner, and so he’s done his fair share of research.

Furthermore, if there is anything he doesn’t know he is eager for you to teach him.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Remus likes for you to stradle his lap and ride him. The two of your chests pressed together so he can still kiss you easily, and he can feel your heart beat against his.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Before and after he is pretty humorous. He likes to see you blush and laugh. However, in the moment he is rather serious although not entirely on purpose. He just gets swept up in the moment, and he focuses so much on your pleasure.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Remus keeps himself well groomed. His pubic hair is just a bit darker than the hair everywhere else. It is rather soft and thin, so even if he doesn’t groom it’s not too much of a nuisance.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Remus is very intimate. He takes his time worshipping every inch of you. For him, sex is truly an escape from his reality. It’s a chance just to be with you and to show you how much you mean to him.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He’s never really been one jack off too much, but he will most definitely do so to ease the tension. Often when he’s away from you for long periods, he will find himself fantasizing about you while pleasuring himself.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Remus is not too kinky. Although he does have a bit of a praise kink. He’s spent so long feeling like a burden to society. When you tell him how good he makes you feel or you voice how much you want him, he’s just absolutely weak for it. And he loves reciprocating.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Pretty much anywhere is his favorite place. He’s particularly fond of his own bed, due to the feeling of the two of you being in your own world. But he’s pretty much down to fuck you wherever you can find the privacy.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Knowing that you really want him is his biggest motivator. Remus has a huge capacity for love, but he didn’t genuinely believe anyone would be able to love him. The fact that you do love and accept him fully is a huge turn on for him. He loves being able to smell your arousal.

By nature, he does have a rather high libido. This only gets more intense as the full moon draws closer. Sometimes during the end of the cycle, it takes literally nothing to get him going. You can walk into a room, and the man is immediately seducing you.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He will not do anything that harms you. That’s an instant no from him. He also will not share you, and truthfully has a bit of a jealous streak. Sirius once flirted with you (before knowing about your relationship with Remus) and Remus absolutely lost it.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Giving and receiving are both equally wonderful as far as Remus is concerned. He’s quite skilled with that mouth of his, and he is of course eager to please. It usually takes very little time for him to have you a shivering mess beneath his mouth.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

He tends to be more slow and sensual. For Remus, it’s more about making it last than it is quickly reaching his climax. He loves making you climax multiple times until you’re almost overstimulated before allowing himself to cum.

Sometimes closer to the full moon he will become more rough, but it’s certainly not his default preference. It’s just as the animal side of him becomes more prominent, he tends to lose his self control.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He’s much more keen on proper sex than he is quickies. It is something that he will do if you simply don’t have the time, or as stated before as it gets closer to the full moon his libido intensifies quite a bit. So, he is definitely down for quickies towards the full moon.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Remus is eager to please, so anything you’re interested in trying he will at least give a chance. As long as it doesn’t involve having to hurt or share you he’s willing to try pretty much anything.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

In the early days of your sexual relationship, Remus had a hard time controlling himself. It had truthfully been a long time since he’d been touched in any way, so often he would cum prematurely. He would get so embarrassed with himself, but your patience made him fall in love with you even more. That being said, he made up for it by being able to go for multiple rounds. As he gains more control over his orgasms, he’s able to make things last longer.

He very much so prefers to go longer once or twice rather than multiple short rounds.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He’s doesn’t own anything, and he’s not interested in having anything used on himself. However, he is willing to use them on you if that’s your thing. Whatever it takes to make sex as pleasurable for you as possible, he will do.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He is a bit of a tease, especially since he has the advantage of smelling your arousal. Sometimes you’ll be so desperately trying to hide it from him (perhaps during on Order meeting) and he will give you a suggestive smirk. You know you’re done for when he gives you that look. He’ll be relentless in his random touches and whispering filthy things in your ear until you’re almost begging him to fuck you.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Remus is rather vocal. He tends to moan quite a bit, and he likes to shower you in compliments and praise.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

He likes it when you take care of him after his transformations. How gently you soothe his wounds, and how eager you are to be there for him. He makes it a point to make love to you the morning after the full moon just so he can relish in how soft and comforting you are to him. You often make it a point to kiss every scratch and bruise he gets. Part of him feels guilty for getting so turned on by it, but it just makes him feel so safe.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Remus is about average in girth, but is pretty long. About 10 inches is a safe estimate.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

He has a high sex drive, and finds himself yearning for you quite often. It’s pretty uncommon for the two of you to take long gaps unless life gets in the way too much.

You’ve joked before that Remus would be happy to simply stay in bed and fuck between each full moon. (It’s true.)

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He doesn’t usually fall asleep too quickly. Remus loves pillow talk, so he likes to stay up for a bit afterwards with you. He also loves watching you fall asleep. The way your eyelids droop is very cute to him, especially when you fight it. You’ll often snuggle up to him to hide how sleepy you are, and soon your soft whispers turn into to even breathing against his skin as you fall asleep. He likes watching the transition, and hearing you sleep so peacefully against him is what lulls him to sleep.

#remus lupin x reader #remus lupin #remus lupin headcanons #remus lupin dirty alphabet

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tumbleweed-palmer · 3 years

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Unexpected: Jimmy Palmer x Original Character Chapter Two

Tony regretted the words the moment they left his lips. He had taken it way too far and he’d done the worst possible thing he could ever do in his eyes. He’d made his baby sister cry. He could see the tears pooling in her eyes as she’d screamed at him to leave her apartment.

He’d hurt her. That was the worst sin he could ever possibly commit. He’d always had that classic big brother attitude of “If you make my baby sister cry, I’ll break your legs.” He had always been the one who protected her and made sure she didn’t get hurt. He’d never considered he’d be the one who hurt her.

He felt like garbage at the moment. He felt lower than garbage. He was pretty sure he was akin to that gross layer of slime and bacteria filled liquid that developed at the bottom of a dumpster on a particularly hot day.

As Tony paced his apartment he found himself agonizing over this entire mess. This was so unexpected. He’d never imagined this would be a possibility.

He was just so angry to see Jimmy Palmer in Olivia’s apartment and to realize just what they’d been doing all this time. Tony felt betrayed even more so as they’d explained exactly what was going on. This had been going on a full year. It had been an entire year of both Olivia and Jimmy lying straight to his face.

He’d worked closer than usual with Jimmy this past year especially during that period of time when Gibbs had taken a short retirement. Tony had stepped up then leading the unit for months and he’d learned to turn to Jimmy for advice on cases more than once. Jimmy was a great confidant and Tony knew he could go to him trusting that the words they exchanged would stay between them. Jimmy had spent all that time working by Tony’s side and letting Tony confide in him, all while Jimmy was betraying him and carrying on with Tony’s little sister. Jimmy had been working with Tony during the day and going straight to Olivia every night.

He had known Jimmy for years now and Jimmy was the last person Tony would ever dream would mislead him. Sure, Jimmy had lied to everyone during his fling with Michelle Lee, but it had been so obvious what was going on to anyone with two working eyes. Jimmy was a terrible liar. He had a guilty conscience and never could keep up a lie. Clearly though Jimmy was a far more proficient liar than Tony had ever given him credit for. He’d kept such a massive secret from Tony. It was such an act of deception. Tony had even asked Jimmy point blank what was going on with Olivia and he. Jimmy had told Tony that there was nothing going on, just a friendship. Tony had thought he’d made it perfectly clear that his baby sister was untouchable.

It was supposed to be part of the bro-code wasn’t it? You didn’t hook up with your friend’s little sister. That was an unspoken rule. Oh, crap, was this how Probie felt when Tony flirted with his little sister? This was so much worse than just a little harmless flirting though.

Jimmy and Olivia had been sneaking around behind Tony’s back all this time. Olivia had left evidence of it along Jimmy’s neck for months now. The thought of his little sister doing that to Jimmy made Tony feel sick to his stomach. He’d spent all that time teasing Jimmy over the hickies unaware that Olivia was the culprit behind all those lovebites. The fact that Tony had made jokes about “lady gremlin being frisky” had made him feel sick. Not to mention Tony had made plenty of jokes about the suggested hotness of Jimmy’s little lady friend and all the experience she must have. The fact that Olivia was the Lady Gremlin made Tony’s skin crawl.

Olivia had lied to Tony’s face more than once over this past year. The fact that his sister who he loved more than anyone on the planet had lied to his face hurt the most.

Tony had definitely noticed that his little sister and the Autopsy Gremlin were occasionally spending time together. He’d not been shy about interrogating Olivia over her new friendship with Jimmy. She’d always insisted that Jimmy was just a friend and that they only spent time together when Olivia needed a second opinion on whatever art piece she was working on at the time. She’d seemed so sincere about it all as she’d spoken to Tony. “Trust me, Jimmy is just helping me out and giving me some feedback on how the anatomy is looking on a few of my paintings. I’m really wanting to turn more of my focus towards painting, but I’m insecure about it. Photography was always my bigger focus back in school. You know getting the anatomy down has always been a weak point for me when it comes to painting. I want to make sure everything looks reasonable and realistic. Jimmy is a really excellent resource to have. He has such a deep understanding of the structure of a human body and he’s actually pretty artistically gifted as well. He’s shown me some of the sketches he’s done. He drew up this amazing sketch of a human heart. It looks so realistic and he really nailed all the fine details. So, he’s the perfect person for me to ask for some guidance. We just meet up for coffee occasionally and he helps me out in exchange for me buying him a pastry and giving him feedback on his own sketches. He’s self taught for the most part, so he really appreciates having the feedback from someone who went to school for art. It’s no big deal. He’s a nice guy, a little awkward, but still good enough company. We don’t even discuss anything but art.”

Tony of course hadn’t liked the idea of Olivia spending time with Jimmy even with her insistence that it was all perfectly innocent. She’d always been so insistent that it was just a friendship and nothing more.

To find out that she’d lied about everything between Jimmy and she was such a betrayal. She’d had so many opportunities to come clean about it all, and she’d taken not one of them.

Tony had been so upset and he’d wanted Olivia to hurt just as badly as she’d hurt him. Tony had always been gifted when it came to really going for the jugular during fights. He could find a weak spot in whoever he was fighting with and destroy them emotionally. He could find your biggest insecurity and use it to break you. Tony guessed he’d learned it from his father. Dinozzo Senior had always had a way of using people’s insecurities to drag them down and Tony guessed that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

The realization that he’d been no better than his father made Tony feel sick. He’d always sworn he’d be nothing like Dinozzo Senior.

Maybe this anger had been building for a while. Tony would be lying if he tried to say that he didn’t feel some resentment for his sister deep down inside.

After all it seemed as though Olivia Sofia Dinozzo could do no wrong in Dinozzo Senior’s eyes. No matter how much she fucked up Dinozzo Senior kept feeding her trust fund and cleaning up her messes at least when it came to situations where he thought the answer was “throw money at it”.

No, Dinozzo Senior hadn’t exactly given Olivia the affection and adoration that most father’s gave their daughters, but he still had never cut her off.

Tony had been cut off from the family fortune for the simple sin of wanting to go his own way. He hadn’t wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and join the family business. Tony had wanted to go into law enforcement in some capacity and forge his own path. This choice had been unacceptable to Dinozzo Sr. After all Tony was his only son, his namesake. Tony rejecting the expected path of following in his father’s footsteps had been enough of an unforgivable sin to be cut off financially and tossed out into the world to fend for himself.

Olivia had never been given that treatment. Even when she’d decided to pursue art Dinozzo Sr. hadn’t cut her off.

Of course, Tony knew that there were different expectations for him and his sister. Dinozzo Sr. had made that obvious.

Tony was expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and maintain the family name. Olivia was expected to be quiet, look pretty, and eventually marry someone of equal social status.

Dinozzo Senior had seen her artistic endeavors as something to placate her and keep her busy until she found a well-to-do man to marry. He’d seen it as a passing fancy and not a serious way for her to make a career.

She was expected to marry one of her father’s friend’s sons and be a some entitled rich kid's wife. She was expected to keep up the Dinozzo family tradition of keeping up one's social status. She was expected to be the pretty socialite who went to charity functions and kept her mouth shut.

Olivia had rebelled against this of course, but her resistance to playing happy socialite hadn’t been met with the same harshness Tony’s choice to go his own way had been met with.

Deep down Tony knew that Olivia had been failed by their father just as much as he had. She may have had the advantage of not being cut off but she hadn’t had the freedom. Tony had been given the freedom but not the security of the family fortune.

Dinozzo Sr. had turned a blind eye to his daughter’s indiscretions and multitude of fuck ups. He’d ignored her cries for help and taken the path of just giving her more money instead of actually addressing the problem.

Tony was always the one who looked out for her. After all, he adored his sister.

He could remember that when she was born he’d been allowed to come home from boarding school for a week, most likely Olivia’s mother’s attempts to merge the family before she’d realized that Dinozzo Sr. wasn’t a family man. Still though Tony had adored Olivia from the moment he saw her for the first time. He’d been almost a decade older than her, but he’d still adored her so dearly. He’d been so delighted to have a baby sister.

He hadn’t acted the way most older brothers had. He may have pestered her but he never treated her like she was a pain or a burden. If anything he’d always treated her like a little princess, always doting on her and giving into her wants

When their father and her mother had divorced Tony had been despondent fearing he’d never see his sister again. After all, Dinozzo Sr. most likely wasn’t the type to seek out visitation.

When Olivia’s mother had died so suddenly and she’d been sent back to Dinozzo Sr., Tony had been left with a feeling of guilt convinced his heartache over the possibility of never seeing Olivia again had resulted in fate deciding to force her back into his life. Perhaps he’d been so desperate to have his sister back in the family home that fate had heard him and decided to “help” him out.

He knew it was irrational to think that Olivia’s mother’s death had been fate tipping in his favor instead of a terrible accident. Tony had been a teenager when it had happened, but he’d still been young enough to fear that perhaps this had somehow been all his fault.

He guessed that perhaps that sense of guilt had made him overcompensate when it came to his relationship with Olivia.

He made sure to include her in his interests, sharing his favorite movies with her and covering for her when she’d gotten herself into trouble.

He’d set a precedent of always emotionally supporting her and looking out for her, almost as though he was her father instead of her brother.

There had been several times over the years where Tony had seriously feared for her safety. He’d dreaded late night phone calls unsure if it would be his scared sister calling for his help or someone calling to tell him she was hurt or worse dead.

Olivia had made impulsive stupid choices and surrounded herself with people who were making far worse choices.

Olivia may have had the security of the family fortune but she’d never really felt secure. She’d never felt peace with herself. She’d always been troubled. Even when she was a child, she’d been so starved for love. She’d always searched for affection and security from other sources realizing she wasn’t getting it from her father.

She found herself clinging to men who didn’t even care about her. They were more interested in getting in her pants than actually loving her. She found herself attaching herself to anyone who gave her even the smallest bit of attention and praise. She didn’t care if the affection only lasted one night. She just seemed so starved for acceptance.

She remained in toxic friendships with people who didn’t actually care about her. She’d figured any company was better than being left alone with her thoughts. She convinced herself that they understood her because they’d come from the same social circles and had the same familial issues. She’d ignored red flags telling herself that it was nothing to worry about.

Tony had been relieved that she’d at least stayed away from anything harder than alcohol and pot. She hadn’t stayed away from her friends though and her friends hadn’t stayed away from much harder substances.

Tony lost count of the nights where he’d gone out searching for her through nightclubs and penthouse parties. He’d lost count of the times he’d dragged her from some house party pretending that he didn’t notice the lines of cocaine her friends were indulging in. He’d pretended that getting phone calls from her where she was drunk and needed him to come get her was just a normal part of his Friday night.

Anytime he’d pressed the issue and confronted her about her friend’s behavior or her reckless choices she’d brushed off his concerns.

The conversation always went the same. She always had the same responses. She’d always been so fast to insist. “I’m a big girl Tony. I’m perfectly capable of handling myself. I’m not an idiot. I don’t touch the hard stuff. My friends have offered but I have no interest in it. I know that stuff ruins you. I only smoke the occasional joint and I drink, but nothing more. Trust me, I’m fine. I know you do it because you love me but trust me you don’t have to worry so much about me. I’m okay. Please, don’t freak out on me and act like I’m some kind of junkie. I’m fine, It’s not a big deal. I’m still young, I’m supposed to be out having a good time. I’m maintaining my coursework and managing my life fine.”

She’d always paused before speaking again pointing out the obvious. “Besides you don’t have much room to lecture me about the company I keep or my indiscretions, especially when we both know you have a revolving door of women in your life and you so aren’t the poster boy for clean living. It’s hypocritical to lecture me about my bad choices.”

There was only so much Tony could do. After all she was a grown woman. Even when she was still a teenager making the same choices his hands had been tied. Dinozzo Sr. had been her guardian and he wasn’t going to do a thing about it. So Tony had been left doing what he could do for her as she’d entered her early twenties and continued to make the same bad choices.

There was only so much you could do for someone who clearly was not interested in changing.

He hadn’t seen it as enabling her. He’d seen it as giving her a lifeline.

He’d made sure she had his phone number programmed into her cell phone and had made sure she knew she could call him anytime no matter how late it was and no matter what situation she was in.

She’d always called him when it became too much and Tony had counted it as a small victory. At least she called him to come get her instead of sticking out bad situations. He was was able to collect her from danger and he knew she was safe.

When she’d finally hit rock bottom it had been a relief.

A friend’s drug overdose had been enough to scare her into admitting she needed to change. She’d admitted that she was scared and in over her head and she needed help.

It had been painful but for the first time Tony felt like he could breathe. She was safe and she was going to be okay.

He’d helped her straighten her life out. She’d started therapy and had kicked the party lifestyle. She’d dropped her toxic friends and awful boyfriends and had gotten her head on straight. She’d thrown herself into her art and had managed to find some freelance work that had allowed her to travel.

Sure, Tony had worried about her traveling but she’d kept in contact with him calling him at least once a week. She’d seemed so much lighter and so much happier. She’d actually been at peace with being on her own. It seemed as though she’d finally dropped her unhealthy coping mechanisms. She’d seemed to be at peace with herself.

When Olivia had announced to Tony that she’d found a local job and would be moving to the Virginia DC area it had been a relief. He’d have her close by where he could keep a closer eye on her.

He had thought having her so close by so near his support would be good for her.

He’d never imagined that having her in the same city would mean having her hook up with one of his coworkers.

What could she even possibly see in Jimmy? Of all the guys she could have gone for she went for the Autopsy Gremlin?

What about him was even slightly appealing to her? When Tony thought of Jimmy he saw an awkward mess of a human being. Jimmy with his tendency to slouch, and his all too large ears and thin lips. Jimmy with the same out of style glasses he’d been wearing since college. Jimmy who had the ghoulish career path and the less than appropriate sense of humor. Jimmy who honestly seemed like a total nerd. Jimmy so didn’t seem like the type of guy Olivia usually went for.

What did they even have in common?

Was this just the old Olivia making a reappearance, going for anyone who showed her affection? This did seem to follow her M.O.

Tony didn’t think anyone could blame him for assuming the worst given what he knew about his sister’s past approach to romance.

Then again Olivia and Jimmy had both seemed so sincere. Jimmy definitely didn’t seem to be the kind of guy to use a girl for a good time. Jimmy seemed to be more the type to be grateful for any kind of female attention. Tony didn’t think this was just a case of Olivia using Jimmy; attaching herself to him because she knew he’d give her all the affection and loyalty on the planet.

If anything, it all seemed to be the real deal. Jimmy did seem sincere in his declarations of love for Olivia. Maybe that meant Olivia was just as sincere?

Maybe Tony had been wrong?

Still though that didn’t excuse the lies. Still though, the lies didn’t excuse his reaction.

A little voice in the back of Tony’s brain told him that if he loved Olivia half as much as he claimed to, didn’t he owe it to her to at least hear her out? Didn’t she deserve a little trust?

Would she even want to speak to him now though? Now that he’d upset her, chances are she wouldn’t want to hear from him anytime soon.

Tony groaned at the thought. He’d really screwed up and he wasn’t sure if there was a way of fixing it.

He made a last ditch effort reaching for his cell, typing up the text message knowing it was better than nothing.

“We need to talk.”

He tossed his cell down on his sofa knowing he had a snowball’s chance in hell of actually hearing anything back, but he didn’t know what to do.

He’d made his bed and now he had to lie in it.

……………………………………………………………………………………

Jimmy could admit he felt so lost. He’d been putting on a brave face for Olivia’s sake. He’d thrown himself face first into soothing her and doting on her, trying his best to make her feel loved and reassured.

He felt so lost though. He didn’t know how to fix any of this. Wasn’t he partially to blame for this entire mess?

He should have manned up a long time ago. He should have reassured Olivia that it was okay to tell Tony about them. He should have put his foot down and insisted that they tell Tony about their relationship a long time ago.

He’d been so resistant to do so though. He’d told himself that he needed to follow Olivia’s lead on this.

Now he had to watch Olivia cry over their failures.

He could have saved her so much heartache had he just insisted that they step up and tell Tony everything consequences be damned. Sure Tony might have freaked out, he may have even punched Jimmy, but at least the truth would have been revealed on their own terms.

Jimmy knew that he should have cast aside his doubts and fears and just told Tony everything. He could have convinced Olivia to come clean and they could have been saved from this heartache.

Jimmy knew it was too little too late though. They had made their bed and now they were lying in it.

That didn’t erase the guilt he felt over this entire situation though.

His head felt like a mess as he laid in her bed Olivia’s sleeping form in his arms. At least he’d gotten her to fall asleep but there had still been plenty of tears from Olivia all day. When he’d thought she might have run out of tears she somehow found more.

He knew her heart was so broken.

Tony Dinozzo had always been Olivia’s hero. She’d admitted that much to Jimmy. Jimmy had always appreciated being able to see Tony through Olivia’s eyes. She’d described a big brother who would give her the world if she asked for it. She’d described a man who fretted over her and taught her to throw her first punch. She’d described a man who had taught her to drive and had snuck her into her first R rated movie. She’d talked about how heartbroken she’d been when their father had disowned Tony. She’d talked about how Tony had still made an effort to keep in contact with her even if he was out of contact with Dinozzo Sr. Tony had never forgotten her even after he’d been cast out into the world by their father with out a safety net.

She talked about Tony with such reverence. She’d described a man who doted on her and shared such a tight bond with her. It had always been Tony and her against the world, or at least Tony and her against Dinozzo Sr.

Tony was the one who had always shown her unconditional love. She’d never been able to expect unconditional love from Dinozzo Sr. Her father was more the type to remind his children that his love had terms and conditions. Tony had never made her feel as though his love for her had any sort of conditions though. The fact that her brother loved her had always been an absolute understanding. No matter what she did, Olivia knew that her brother would always love her.

The words he’d said to her tonight though, had shown her that the love Tony felt wasn’t as unconditional as she’d believed.

He had let out so much resentment for her, so much bitterness for all the times he’d had to rescue her from herself. He had thrown her past right in her face and insinuated that she was just picking back up all her old habits. He’d insinuated that what she had with Jimmy was nothing more than her falling into bed with Jimmy because he gave her some sense of approval. Tony had ignored her insistence that she had changed for the better.

Tony told her she was too much to put up with and too hard to love. He could have shot her and it would have been less painful than hearing those words.

Jimmy was left feeling trapped between rage towards Tony and heartbreak for Olivia.

Jimmy had done the only thing he could think to do for her. He’d taken a good long bath with her knowing that baths were always a place of comfort for Olivia. She’d even confessed to him that the main reason she’d signed a lease on this apartment in particular was the massive soaking tub that had been recently installed into the bathroom.

She’d always loved baths and she’d taught Jimmy to enjoy them as well. She’d had to do very little coaxing to talk him into joining her in a bath the first time. He’d had to admit it was pretty nice. He was pretty sure if anyone ever accused him of being less than masculine for taking a bubble bath then he could very easily point out that he got to be in a warm bath with a beautiful nude woman pressed against him.

He’d adored taking baths with her enough that he’d even requested doing so on his birthday months ago. She’d definitely indulged him; sitting on the edge of the tub and washing his hair before joining him in the tub where she continued to pamper him. It had been the best birthday he’d ever had by far.

Today’s bath had been less of a joyous occasion though. She’d been quiet for the longest time Jimmy holding her against him running his hands along her body attempting to soothe her.

He’d done his best to keep her distracted, his voice soft and gentle. “Did I ever tell you the moment I realized I was in love with you?”

He’d spoken again as she shook her head, her voice soft “No.”

He’d continued to caress her skin, the memory still so fresh. “It was when we went to Virginia Beach. It was so hot, just ridiculously so. I didn’t have the heart to tell you I’m not too fond of the beach and that sand makes me all itchy. You seemed so excited about the beach and I decided I’d suffer through the beach if it made you happy. It was hard to be too annoyed when you looked so perfect. You wore that green bikini and those big sunglasses and that blue sundress. You looked so amazing and I felt like I didn’t look like I belonged by your side at all. I actually had a good time, even though we got way too overheated. We got cherry snow cones and sat under a beach umbrella to avoid the heat. I ate mine way too fast. It gave me an awful brain freeze and I’ll never forget what you did. You leaned up and pressed a kiss to my forehead. It was such a silly little action but it was the sweetest thing. I remember thinking I adored you at that moment. How could I not adore a girl whose first thought was to kiss my forehead because I had brain freeze. It hit me that I more than adored you, I loved you so much it almost took my breath away.”

“We hadn’t been dating for that long then. That was only our second official date after we’d confessed that we were into each other.” She spoke her voice soft. He nodded his head, his lips pressing to her neck as he responded.

“True, I was pretty enamored with you long before that though. I’m pretty sure some deep part of me knew that I loved you from the moment you stepped on the elevator that first day we met at NCIS. I don’t know if it was love at first sight, but I think it was a sense of belonging…like my heart knew it belonged with yours as stupid as that sounds. You met my eyes that day in the elevator and it’s like my heart knew that it was going to be you. I thought I was dumb for being so upset at the thought of never seeing you again…I mean we barely spoke that day. I thought maybe I was just lonely and you were so kind to me despite my awkwardness. So, maybe I just felt drawn to you out of loneliness and I’d forget about you before I even knew it….but then we met again at the park two weeks later and it just made me believe that my heart knew it was yours all the more. It was like it was fate pushing us towards each other. I don’t know if I fully believe in soulmates or what have you, but I think that maybe sometime way back before the universe was formed that maybe we were part of the same star or atom or whatever we were before we were us. How else can I explain how my heart knew it belonged to you?”

Olivia felt her eyes water this time for a completely different reason than the sorrow that had washed over her all day long.

She felt even more come as Jimmy spoke, needing to say the words. “No matter what happens with Tony, the fact that my heart belongs to yours is never going to change. I love you Oli, I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. I promise you the fact that I love you will never change.”

“I love you too.” She managed to work out, turning to snuggle a little closer to him despite the awkward angle she had to turn her body in the bath to make this happen.

Jimmy managed to wipe her tears relieved that the bubbles in the bath had disappeared enough to not leave soap behind on his hands.

He managed to speak knowing it wasn’t the first time he’d said the words today but he knew she needed to keep hearing them. “Tony is wrong. You aren’t hard to love. You’ve never been too much for me. I cannot begin to express just how wrong Tony was about everything he had to say.”

She managed to speak her voice so weak. “He resents me. I put him through hell for years. I was a mess and he had to clean up after me. We’ve never really talked about it…I put him through hell and scared him. I never made my amends with him for any of it. I know he already resented me because our dad never cut me off. Senior let me get away with a lot. I don’t know if Senior didn’t cut me off out of some weird form of paternal love or maybe just to keep face with his friends and avoid the shame of having two disowned kids. Either way I know Tony resents me for it. Tony got cut off for way less than I ever pulled. Tony still cleaned up my messes and supported me though. I know he was so scared for me for so long.”

“That doesn’t mean he has the right to throw it in your face as some attempt to hurt you because he’s pissed off. You made mistakes but you’ve changed. I don’t see a trace of the girl he described. Frankly I don’t care that you were that girl. I know who you are now. I understand why you were that girl Oli. I mean, you know we’ve talked about my issues with my own dad…I understand why you did what you did…Hurt people hurt themselves. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. You’ve been honest with me about that part of your life. Knowing about your past choices has never given me any hesitation when it comes to being with you. You may have given Tony hell but he doesn’t have the right to make you feel awful for it when you’ve worked so hard to do better.” Jimmy insisted trying his best to make her understand.

Why’d she make excuses for Tony? Surely she didn’t think she’d deserved any harshness from him?

He let out a shaky breath unable to stop himself from saying it. “If Tony was here right now I’d tell him exactly what I think about what he had to say to you. It was wrong and he was out of line. I don’t care how upset he was. You didn’t deserve that.”

Olivia spoke knowing she sounded so desperate pleading with him. “Don’t confront him Jimmy. Please, just leave it. I just, it won’t do any good to confront him about any of this. Please, just leave it…for me.”

Jimmy sighed knowing he had no choice. He’d do anything for her. It was his greatest downfall. “Okay, I promise. I’ll leave it.”

Jimmy did intend on leaving it. He knew that he couldn’t betray her request to just leave it be.

He loved her far too much to go against her requests.

It was because he loved her that seeing her so heartbroken hurt him so much.

He thought about calling his mother for some advice, but his mother wasn’t exactly aware of the secrecy surrounding Olivia’s and his relationship. The last thing he wanted to do was explain the situation to his mom.

So, Jimmy did the only thing he could think to do. He left her sleeping form and picked up his cell phone deciding to call the closest thing to a father he had.

He cringed realizing how late it was judging by the sleepy tone to Dr. Mallard’s voice. “Mr. Palmer? Is something wrong?”

Jimmy let out a sigh as he took a seat on the arm of a sofa in Olivia’s living room. He felt the words leave him knowing that there was no point in beating around the bush. “Tony found out about Olivia and me.”

“And I’m guessing by the tone of your voice that Agent Dinozzo didn’t find out on your terms?” Dr. Mallard replied, easily catching on.

Jimmy rubbed his eyes the stress of the day making his head ache. “He showed up to her apartment unannounced and I walked into the room…it was clear by our appearance that we couldn’t just explain away what I was doing there.”

He paused his cheeks flushing, relieved that he had found a way to explain the scene without having to go too in depth. He was sure that mentioning anything surrounding his sex life to his mentor was something he could live without.

He spoke again, another sigh leaving him. “Tony was…angry. I can take him being upset with me…I’d rather he just have hit me…the way he spoke to Olivia. He threw a few things from her past in her face…things she’s ashamed of. She’s so hurt. I just feel so guilty. I should have insisted we come clean to Tony a long time ago. I could have saved her so much pain had I convinced her to let us tell Tony the truth a long time ago.”

“You were doing what you felt was right Mr. Palmer. The woman you love asked you to keep a secret and you couldn’t deny her request. Men in love have done far more foolish things throughout history.” Dr. Mallard insisted.

He spoke again before Jimmy had a chance to respond. “As far as Tony goes, he will have to live with the consequences of lashing out at Olivia.”

Jimmy let out another sigh nodding his head his voice tight. “Olivia doesn’t want me to confront him about it. I feel like an awful boyfriend letting him speak to her like that without confronting him about it. I don’t care what he does to me, I just want him to know that he doesn’t have the right to talk to her that way. I don’t care if he’s her brother, he has no right making her cry.”

“If Olivia has asked you to stand by, you’d be wise to listen to her. Trust me, Mr. Palmer, upsetting the woman who knows where you sleep at night isn’t advisable. Just ask Agent Gibbs or one of his ex wives.” Dr. Mallard pointed out causing a small smile to at least cross Jimmy’s lips.

He nodded his head, a sense of relief washing over him as Dr. Mallard spoke again. “The only thing you can do in the meantime is offer reassurance to Olivia. From the sparse time I have been able to spend with Miss. Dinozzo and you together, I do think it’s very apparent she does love you deeply. She just needs to be reminded that you feel the same for her.”

“I do, I love her so much.” Jimmy admitted not hesitating to say it more sure of the words each time he said them.

“Then keep loving her. Let Tony sort through his emotions. His actions are not your responsibility.” Dr. Mallard pointed out Jimmy nodding his head in agreement.

Ducky was right, Jimmy knew it.

He couldn’t force Tony to make amends with Olivia. The only thing he could do was provide Olivia with the reassurance she needed.

He just hoped and prayed that he could give her enough to soothe her heartache.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Olivia had thought that after a few days she’d start feeling more like herself, but she actually felt miserable.

It had to be stress. She was so distressed that she was making herself sick. It had to be the stress.

The stress was becoming overwhelming enough that she’d been getting sick to her stomach though. This was new. She’d never had stress give her this reaction. Then again, she’d never had a huge argument with her brother either.

Sure, there had been times where Tony had irritated the ever loving crap out of her, but they’d never had a falling out like this.

Tony had texted her once since the weekend, but only once and she had no idea how to interpret his text “We need to talk.”

Hadn’t he done enough talking for them both?

She knew it might be petty, but she’d refused to acknowledge the text message.

She couldn’t force herself to acknowledge it. Responding to it would just lead to more heartbreak.

She’d never dreamed Tony could hurt her. He was the last person she ever believed could hurt her.

He had though. He’d been so cruel. He wouldn’t even shut up for one second and hear Jimmy and her out. Sure, they had fucked up keeping their relationship from him, but that didn’t give him the right to throw every mistake she’d ever made right back in her face.

What had hurt her the most was the implication that this entire thing had just been sex with Jimmy. Yes, Olivia knew she hadn’t exactly always slept with men in the confines of it being within a relationship. She wasn’t ashamed of it.

Tony was completely hypocritical to bring it up though. He wasn’t the poster boy for commitment. He was the one who had a string of never ending sexual partners.

Why was it such a sin for her to have had hook ups in the past? It wasn’t as though Tony had some false belief that she was a virgin.

She resented that Tony would basically imply what he’d implied, even going as far as to ask her why she hadn’t taken McGee to bed while she was at it. If Tony was going to call her a slut, then Olivia would prefer that he had the balls to just come out and say it.

It hurt to think that Tony seemed to think she was incapable of finally finding a stable relationship with someone who loved her so genuinely. Jimmy loved her without any hesitation or fear. Once it had become clear to him that she saw him as far more than just a friend he’d been so unafraid to love her.

Why was that so hard for Tony to wrap his brain around?

Did she really give off the aura that she was so undeserving or far too unstable for love?

Did he really resent her that much?

As the days went on her sorrow molded into anger and back into heartbreak and then back into anger all over again.

She’d at least finally forced Jimmy to go back to work this morning. He’d missed two days of work insisting that Dr. Mallard would understand and Jimmy had plenty of PTO anyway.

She knew he was just worried about her. He’d spent the entire weekend and two days now doting over her and fretting over her.

He’d become even more distressed when she’d puked yesterday and once again this morning. It was just the stress she’d reassured him, but he still seemed so worried.

She was amazed that he hadn’t defied her insistence that he go to work this morning after she’d vomited.

She’d only managed to get him to leave the house with the reassurance that she would call him the second she started feeling nauseous again.

Of course he’d texted her several times during the day thus far until his final text had read that Dr. Mallard was making him stop now but please call him at his lunch break.

Olivia had decided to at least take Jimmy’s ban from texting her as a sign that she should at least try to clean up her apartment a little.

She’d managed to get someone to cover her at work, deciding that teaching kids to make ceramics probably wasn’t advisable when she felt a little nauseous. The concept of going near squishy clay made her stomach turn.

She was a little saddened to miss out on it, after all she loved her job teaching art classes at a local community center.

Most of the time she taught kids and the elderly given that was who seemed to take the most interest in the art classes she’d been hired to teach at this particular community center. It was still an enjoyable job though.

No, she didn’t exactly need to work given her trust fund gave her more than enough money to live off of and focus on her art fulltime, but she loved the routine of having a job. She liked having a routine.

She’d actually come to love her life here after spending a few years constantly travelling with her last job.

It felt good to stay in one place and have one job at the same location. It felt good to have the routine of waking up every morning and knowing exactly what her day would bring.

She had a distinct feeling that Jimmy helped aid into her satisfaction with this period of her life.

He’d definitely made her life seem all the brighter. Even with all the events of the past few days and her falling out with her brother, Olivia was more than sure that Jimmy made her world a brighter place. She loved him enough that she was sure he was worth any amount of stress.

She tried her best to pull her mind from her troubles, choosing instead to focus on cleaning knowing that her apartment had become a bit of a mess over these past few days. Jimmy and she really hadn’t felt up to actually leaving the apartment. They’d been more focused on trying to reassure one another and heal from the events of the weekend.

It was high time to give the place a good deep clean. Besides, cleaning always did help her cope with her anxieties.

She started with the bathroom knowing it was always her least favorite part of the process of housework.

It wasn’t until she was down on her knees sorting through the contents under the bathroom sink that she came across a particular box of items that made her heart drop.

She stared down at the box of tampons in her hand, a sudden realization hitting her. She was late. No, she wasn’t too terribly late, but still late enough to give her pause.

She knew everyone insisted that they ran like clockwork and everyone else insisted that wasn’t possible, but she was pretty sure ran as close to being like clockwork as possible. She had at least some concept of how her cycle ran most of the time.

It would explain a lot a little voice in the back of her brain exclaimed; the nausea, the exhaustion…the late period.

Jimmy and she used protection though…then again hadn’t they occasionally had their little slip ups?

She felt her heart begin to slam in her chest as she tried her best to remember every single sexual experience they’d had over the past few months.

Olivia groaned it hitting her that there was only one way to figure this all out.

She stood up dropping the box of tampons, her mind going on autopilot as she made her way out to the living room searching for her car keys.

Soon enough she would know the truth.

………………………………………………………

Olivia had never imagined that she’d find herself in a bathroom at a CVS with a comically large bottle of lemonade and a plastic bag filled with pregnancy tests.

It would be amusing if it was happening to anyone but her.

She debated calling Jimmy and explaining her current situation but she couldn’t imagine how to even begin to have that conversation over the phone “So how’s Dr. Mallard? How’s Autopsy today? Anything interesting happening because oh, boy on my end things sure have gotten interesting. I’ve peed on three pregnancy tests and I don’t even know where I found the pee in my bladder to manage it!”

She was pretty sure that wasn’t how you were supposed to have the “don’t freak out but we may be pregnant” talk with your boyfriend.

This couldn’t be happening, not now. This was so not the time for this.

Jimmy and she had barely even broached the subject of having kids. The few times they’d discussed it they had been in agreement that it was something they both wanted but it had always been framed as something that would happen in the future.

Hell, they’d not even shared news of their relationship with her brother, so any talk of kids was always framed as some far off idea of what they might want in the future or what they pictured in a future together.

She had zero doubts in her mind that Jimmy Palmer would be an incredible father. He was an incredible boyfriend after all. He was far too sweet to be anything less than amazing. He just had that personality; that gentle heart that had made her fall for him in the first place. The man was a sweetheart. He loved kids and he loved her. Men like Jimmy were made to be fathers.

Olivia would be lying if she tried to pretend that the idea of having his baby didn’t make her feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

It just was absolutely the worst time possible for this to be happening.

Sure Olivia had met Jimmy’s family and it was clear that their relationship was serious. Things were just so complicated though.

Jimmy hadn’t met Dinozzo Sr…not that that was a bad thing but still…she might be pregnant and her father didn’t even know he existed.

Jimmy and Olivia didn’t even live together.

Where would they put a crib? Their apartments were only one bedroom. Would they have to get a new place?

Oh God, what would Tony do?

He was pissed off enough when it had come out that Jimmy was dating her, so what was he going to do if it came out that Jimmy had knocked her up while he was at it?

Olivia felt her blood run cold when the alarm she’d set on her cell phone chimed notifying her that it was time.

She took a deep breath trying to calm her nerves as she picked up the first test with a shaky hand

She stared at it, her brain suddenly struggling to make sense of the blue plus on the screen in front of her.

She picked up the other test sorting through the instructions trying to make sense of the result on this test her stomach turning as she realized just what it meant.

It meant the same thing that the other two tests were telling her.

She was so screwed.

#Jimmy Palmer #NCIS #Jimmy Palmer/OC #Jimmy Palmer X OC #NCIS Fanfic #Jimmy Palmer Fanfiction

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j9guardians · 4 years

Video

We spend a lot of time speaking on the contributions of Nine towards Joong in this fandom. That’s likely due to how visual his actions of care are. He physically is there for Joong in many ways be it helping him with studies, being his driver, letting him stay over, cooking, comforting him with touch. This time I wanted to extend on some of the things I mentioned previously. I want to peel back the surface layer and really explore why J9 works the way it does.

I think what many people overlook is the high probability that J9 are so close because Joong pursued the friendship either consciously or subconsciously.

When we hear Nine talk about their first meeting or his first impression, it’s clear that there were snags in his interest of a budding relationship between the two. This isn’t because Nine is negative or shady for the sake of being so. It’s because some people, like Nine, really measure you up in the first meeting. I’d go as far as saying he’s protective of his soft parts and don’t let most people in past a surface level. So there’s an immediate instinct to build walls.

Joong on the other hand has been said to be very trusting, naive, and gullible even - but with this he also seems to be very intuitive and also instinctive. By that I mean, that he goes with his feelings. If he feels someone is ‘good’ he’s going to go with that. If he feels like saying or doing in the moment he probably will try to go with the flow of it. When he recalls meeting Nine he expresses seeing him in his skill set and being kinda intimidated, in wanting to speak to Nine but being afraid to. This isn’t jealousy, nor envy, what he’s expressing in his description is admiration and trepidation. And because Joong is the type that wants to trust, because he admired Nine at the first - there was an openness and probably even a desire to create a friendship - despite the vibe of nine wanting otherwise.

This is the secret - people who build emotional walls usual have the desire fior those who excel at tearing down such walls, because there’s a hope here. The thought process becomes if this person works this hard, shows this much interest and effort to know me, to create a bond - then can’t I trust them to know how to protect me in the place of the wall. The real thing that they’re seeking is stability and security. So Joong being who he naturally is - trusting, sweet/nice, and honest are the parts of the things that helped him to build his relationship with Nine but it also had to come with levels of pursuit - being consciously interested in Nine’s daily goings, in his emotionalism and really being attentive to those parts. Because truly Nine is a creature of emotion, and I don’t mean that in the way that humans are emotive beings, no I mean some people’s basis are emotions - it’s the thing that’s moves them, the thing they protect, the thing that leaks through every portion of their being.

When we talk about love - Nine is one of those types who wants to give it, who exudes it, give it in totality even. People tend to use the word - mothering but i’d say the correct terminology is nurturing, as it means to care for or encourage development and really Nine in every essence. He is very much all about emotional expression. With this comes a moodiness and cetain type of stress so Nine needs to be adored, uplifted. On the other side Joong is the type that wants to see love wants to believe it in and experience it. There’s is a need to be doted on here as well but Joongs type of love is as close as you’re gonna get to unconditional. because he’s the go with the flow type, because he is so intuitive, theres this type of acceptance that many aren’t capable of and with it a willingness to be for what someone else needs. So there’s a give and take here, a compatibility. Emotional stimuli is why their relationship is ideal for them.

While differently, Joong is an emotional being as well and this is why he understands Nines emotionalism, his hangups, his tough shell. Nine has expressed thanks for this understanding of the parts of his persona that others might find difficult adapting to and managing as Joong has. We’ve heard them speak about not sleeping due to late night conversations. They’ve expressed their rules and a small bit of how they’ve created a working system inside their friendship. In the last post I mentioned how Nine said around Joong he can be his real authentic self. What he’s expressing there is that Joong pulls him out of his shell a bit, that he does so without judgement, or manipulation. He’s saying that with Joong, his inner workings are safe, Joong is seeing him and he still feels secure in those moments. I think Nine is/was genuinely surprised by this acceptance from Joong, because like I said previously, people don’t tend to truly like those who lean far to the serious side, who need exceeding encouragement and uplifting. Yet here we have Joong who seems to accept his rough sides - the part that excommunicates, or goes cold, is critical - and encourages him even during those times.

On the flip side, Nine’s concept of building ‘us’ friendships likely is ideal for Joong in many ways definitely during a time where his own family isn’t there. With Nine he’s allowed to not only build a partnership, a friendship a brotherhood, but also he’s become a part of Nines family. Once Nine accepted him into his circle, he welcomed him into both of his homes, and into his family who on their part accepted Joong as one of their own as well. This steeples their bond as Joong equally accepts the family as his own - referring to Nines mom as his mom and the siblings as his siblings.

Nine is perceptive which helps him smooth many emotional pitfalls that surrounds Joongs own sensitivities. In any good moment when there’s a misstep he’ll mend what he said, note that he’s joking, salve with small touches. If the mistep or slight is from someone else its the same, he’ll correct the person as a way to mend what they’ve said, lighten the mood, and often salve with some form of touch or look. Having let Joong in, Nine considers him ‘one of his people’ and with that comes many levels of protectiveness, possessiveness and clinginess.

Because of their set up and how the company likes to play up certain elements of their interactions, fandom seems to worry that outside sources will stem future problems. In fact the fear currently seems to come from the thought process that changes for Joong (starting university) means less time for J9 and more time for him to build outside relationships, which will create a distance. Its not that I’m saying outside forces can’t become a problem, no, I’m saying that the real issue between Joong and Nine (if ever one) will truly stem from the same thing that makes them so great together - their emotionalism. People don’t realize this but often, the thing that makes you love someone is usually the thing you eventually find most trying. Nine loves Joongs free spiritedness because it pulls him out of his shell - but that free spirited nature puts him out of his territory, with it comes unpredictability, instability and for someone who seeks stability and security that can be a landline. Same with Joong, he loves Nines drive and ability to be multi-talented and focused on his craft but with serious mindsets can come great pressure, feeling ignored, or second place to things like career - and that could be an issue.

J9 is that type of pairing that when it’s good between them it’s off the charts great because the ways they are similar caters to the one another’s needs. They’re both intuitive enough to communicate beyond words, they understand eachother on a deep level. So when they have fun they really have fun. But when it’s bad, it’s oh so very very bad. Because they are both highly emotional people when they go at it they but heads and the fights are high in tension as they don’t hold back. This is something they’ve admitted themselves. But when they makeup they’re also the type that comes with tears and apologies and real forgiveness because again they understand each other’s pitfalls. There is a real sense of guilt, because there is so much love beneath the surface and they don’t want to lose what they’ve managed to find/create.

The reason I’m not feeling insecure about Joong and university is because I understand that J9 truly make one another a priority. Joong has other friends, he’s had other jobs that gave him access to other people, he has other brotherhoods within the 6 Moons, but its inarguable that he makes himself readily accessible to and for Nine. Nine still makes sure he shines some attention on Joong even during his study sessions - sometimes even breaking his own rules and allowing Joong entry before his study span is over. There has been times he’s taken less sleep or done the extra driving to make sure he and Joong got their time in. We make time for what’s important and J9 seems to have always done that exceedingly well.

I don’t think separation will be their danger zone but instead a bit of codependency. It’s been only a years and they seem in the stage where being apart is not their definition of ideal. They use one another for emotional reliance, so much so I wonder if they’re really using any others to carry that burden. That’s the thing about emotional beings, it’s easy to fall and get lost in the hole of - someone understands me, sees me, accepts me. It can be addicting, electrifying, exhilarating. But it can also set the entire relationship ablaze and burnout those within it. Relationship - no matter what capacity - family, friends,’lovers, partners - are hard to maintain. They take patience, compassion, empathy, compromise, communication. Love isn’t what keeps people bound/bonded together it’s the tools we use to present love that does.

Personally I think Joong & Nine has what it takes to be in each other’s lives forever. Funnily I don’t believe anyone has done a fmv to it yet but I think Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire are made for pairings like J9.

“When we fight, we fight like lions

But then we love and feel the truth

We lose our minds in a city of roses

We won't abide by any rules

I don't say a word

But still, you take my breath and steal the things I know

There you go, saving me from out of the cold”

- Sam Smith Fire On Fire

That...that to me is the definition of J9 and why they work so well.

Note: First Video belongs to Macy, I got permission to use as i would have to reupload. You can find her on twitter @j9uwu

youtube

#J9 #Joongnine #joong archen #nine kornchid #2 moons 2 #bl drama #bl couple #motive village #thai drama #real ship #mingkit #bl ship #J9Guardians #international fanclub #meta post #thought piece #opinion post

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mbti-notes · 4 years

Note

My esfp brother has recently started saying racist things, talking about how white men have it worse in this country than anyone, etc. I’m having a hard time dealing with it. I’m intp, so my instinct is to counter with a factual argument, but this is not an effective way to communicate. For one, he tends to see challenges or contradictions as personal hostility, even when they’re gently stated, and a debate usually ends up with him digging in, raising his voice, and resorting to statements (1)

[con’t: like “It’s just my opinion” or “You just hate me no matter what”. Secondly, he has a slippery relationship with facts and not a lot of philosophical integrity, so logical debate is pretty pointless; sources that confirm his argument are real and ones that don’t are Fake News, and he’ll also freely change his line even if it contradicts what he was arguing yesterday. For these reasons, our family doesn’t usually take the bait when he picks fights or says something outlandish (I think in our interactions, he’s motivated to be racist because he likes to provoke and knows it’s one of the few things he can say that will consistently get under my skin, and also because he thinks I look down on his alt-right friends (he’s right, though I’ve always tried to be diplomatic about why I find that worldview disagreeable). I don’t want to think my brother is a lost cause, and I don’t think he’s as invested in the ideology as some of his friends are at this point but I still don’t know what if anything I could do to get through to him. Any ideas?]

I often hear people say that they hope to have “a reasonable debate” about controversial issues, but then what they proceed to do is not debate but rather squabble, lecture, preach, proselytize, compete, or browbeat. You know that constructive debate (i.e. one that reaches a satisfying conclusion for both parties) can only happen under very specific conditions, including:

good faith: the willingness to give fair consideration to the opposing viewpoint as well as the willingness to allow fair critical examination of your own viewpoint

higher purpose: a commitment from both parties to seek out the truth and put it above personal ego and pride

critical reasoning: the ability to carefully construct and deconstruct arguments such that one can draw logically valid and sound conclusions

I’m not making any statement about you or your intentions. I think you’ve shown patience and restraint. I’m simply pointing out the fact that most people are not prepared to have a proper debate because they do not meet the conditions for being able to debate well. This matters in the sense that you should ask yourself whether it’s worth it for you to engage in debate with someone who is obviously not debating in good faith. This also matters in the sense that, if you are the person who isn’t able to engage in good faith, then you might be part of the problem in creating and continuing the conflict, despite whatever good intentions you possess.

I think many of us know someone who likes to be contrarian for the sake of being contrarian. Perhaps they like the drama of provoking people. Perhaps they like the feeling of being “special” in going against the grain or belonging to an “underdog” tribe. Perhaps they hide behind victim mentality (i.e. claiming “persecution” of their beliefs) because they don’t want to feel responsible/guilty for their ignorance or complicity. If someone is irrationally motivated to hold on to their beliefs, they’re not open-minded, in fact, they might even “debate” you just to use you as an excuse to double and triple down on their beliefs. It would be nice if everyone in the world were rational and came to their beliefs rationally and listened to reason all the time, but humans are just not that simple.

People at low levels of ego development have a very difficult time admitting when they’re wrong, often due to misplaced pride. Also, Fs use their moral beliefs to define who they are, which adds an additional obstacle to changing their mind. ESFPs are not particularly serious people, and that can be an advantage because it means that they are mentally flexible in terms of easily getting bored with any one idea. If you are right that your brother is only “flirting” with these beliefs and doesn’t actually believe in them wholeheartedly, then you should be careful about pushing him the wrong way. You don’t want to push him into a position where he is: 1) too embarrassed/ashamed/guilty to admit to being wrong, and 2) too personally identified with these beliefs to change his mind.

Fs are often insecure about their intellectual abilities, so perhaps it is difficult for you to understand how they feel when they have to admit to being wrong - it is a vulnerability for them that serves to harm their self-esteem. Different types have different vulnerabilities, but most people don’t like feeling vulnerable and do what they can to avoid it. Therefore, if you want to change someone’s mind, do it in a way that lets them maintain a sense of dignity in their vulnerability. In other words, make it easier rather than more difficult for someone to change their mind by being sympathetic (e.g. by creating a “we all mistakes” social atmosphere) rather than indulging the desire to humiliate or punish them for their mistakes.

If he’s just trying to provoke you to get your attention, then he’s not interested in debate, right? It’s a “game” that he plays with you, on repeat. ESFPs are mostly about having fun because they are easily bored, so perhaps this is his way to create some interesting drama between you, though it isn’t fun for you. If you take it too seriously, you push him into defending his beliefs, which has unintended consequences. Studies have shown that simply being asked to defend a belief for a few minutes leads people into identifying more strongly with it. Therefore, avoid putting him on the defensive too often, otherwise the beliefs get gradually subsumed into Fi, and then he really won’t budge.

Also, note that he may genuinely feel that he has it tougher as a guy, etc. Something that people often don’t understand is that inequality hurts everyone. It doesn’t hurt everyone equally, but it does hurt everyone in some way. For example, men also suffer from rigid gender expectations in that they are extremely limited in the ways they can express their identity. Maybe this is the point he’s trying but failing to make. If so, you’d do better to acknowledge the feeling itself while not agreeing with the subsequent conclusion/belief. Of course, you know that feelings do not equal fact, but he doesn’t, because FPs treat feelings as facts. You coming in to counter him with your facts doesn’t work because you’re ignoring that his beliefs don’t come from "fact” as you define it, rather, they come from his personal feelings. Instead of letting him bait you into conflict and invalidating his feelings, tell him that you respect his right to have his feelings/opinions, though you disagree.

Explicitly establish that you agree to disagree, and you stop playing your role in this game of his. Show people that you understand why they have their beliefs (despite them being wrong), or let them know that you will continue to love them (despite disagreeing with what they stand for). Then they have little reason to feel defensive and hold even tighter to their beliefs. When people approach you with the attitude of “winning” or getting the upper hand (though you have nothing in particular to lose), you should NOT join in and try to get the upper hand over them, because this will make it harder for them to change their mind, since they will perceive it as being “defeated” and then feel “inferior”. Leave people their pride by remaining as neutral about them as possible, then they are more likely to calm down and be reasonable.

Remember that Fs value relationships and, deep down, they often want nothing more than to be validated and loved. If they have psychological development issues, they may choose the wrong methods for seeking love and attention. In that case, it’s up to you to be the bigger person if possible and avoid playing their game of “bad attention is better than no attention”. He already knows your beliefs at this point, so there’s no need to debate him in circles over and over again. You can simply say that you disagree and leave it at that. If he suddenly shows the willingness and capacity to examine his beliefs, then by all means guide him. But, until then, don’t give him an excuse to engage in tribal mentality and fashion you into his enemy, especially when he’s already feeling “aggrieved”. Focus on the fact that he’s your brother and you care about him. Remember that “to err is human; to forgive, divine”. From there, your approach should be empathetic enough to create the space that is necessary for him to change his mind without losing too much face. It’s hard, but sometimes you have to admit that you can’t help people who don’t want help and/or you might not be the right person to help them at this time.

Yes, some beliefs are quite morally abhorrent and difficult to stomach. But the fact is that they exist out there. The point isn’t about eradicating them, it’s about trying to discover the best strategies for reducing the number of people who believe. One subject I came across in my studies was about people who had been politically radicalized and then later de-radicalized, e.g., incels, terrorists, white supremacists, etc. If you are interested, you might benefit from reading a book or watching a documentary about why people get radicalized so that you understand how it happens and how to avoid exacerbating the process.

#intp #intp relationships #conflict #debate #communication #empathy #relationships #politics #ask

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thethistlegirlwrites · 3 years

Text

OC Enneagram types!

@nade2308 I haven't been able to stop thinking about doing this since the Enneagram conversation came up in the Discord, so here it is! My seven main characters (sorry, Rowan, I'm not confident enough to type a tree just yet) and their Enneagram types, plus a short explanation and some quotes about their basic type and wing!

Robin - 4w3 As a basic type of a 4, Robin sees himself as fundamentally different from other people. He isn't sure how to fit into the world, since his dual fae-human nature leaves him feeling on the outside of all of it. He feels broken and incomplete, and keeps trying to create a place that he fits. The 4 tendency to imagine a world where they can belong led him to idealize the hunter world and want to join it like his father, despite his grandfather's warnings against it. The 3 side of his personality is also involved in the effort to fit in, to make himself into an acceptable version that people will like. “Fours feel that they are unlike other human beings, and consequently, that no one can understand them or love them adequately. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, possessing special, one-of-a-kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed. More than any other type, Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies...Healthy Fours are willing to reveal highly personal and potentially shameful things about themselves because they are determined to understand the truth of their experience—so that they can discover who they are and come to terms with their emotional history. This ability also enables Fours to endure suffering with a quiet strength. Their familiarity with their own darker nature makes it easier for them to process painful experiences that might overwhelm other types.” “Threes learn to perform in ways that will garner them praise and positive attention.” John - 6w5 John is deeply tied to his roots, following the family tradition of becoming a hunter with no question of whether or not that was what he wanted to do. To him, duty is the highest thing to seek after, and individual personal goals must always be secondary to what has to be done. the 5 side of his identity comes into play in his work; John feels a sense of pride in working from the shadows, knowing about vampires but hiding that secret from the larger world for its own protection. Like his great-grandfather, he's the sort of person who seeks out a person to be devoted to. Until his brother died, Gabe was the tethering force in John's life. After his death, John drifted away from his home, searching for a new connection, but struggling to find it. “Sixes are the most loyal to their friends and to their beliefs. They will “go down with the ship” and hang on to relationships of all kinds far longer than most other types.”Wanting to feel that there is something solid and clear-cut in their lives, they can become attached to explanations or positions that seem to explain their situation. Once they establish a trustworthy belief, they do not easily question it, nor do they want others to do so. The same is true for individuals in a Six’s life: once Sixes feel they can trust someone, they go to great lengths to maintain connections with the person who acts as a sounding board, a mentor, or a regulator for the Six’s emotional reactions and behavior.” “Investigating "unknown territory"—knowing something that others do not know, or creating something that no one has ever experienced—allows Fives to have a niche for themselves that no one else occupies.” Kira - 5w4 Knowing she would struggle to fit into normal society because of her deafness, Kira seeks to make herself important to others by making discoveries and creating new things. She often called on the 5 tendency to rely on their knowledge and curiosity in her classes, and made a name for herself as the smart girl, not just the Deaf girl. Her passion for strange and new fields of study allowed her to keep an open mind when she first learned of the existence of vampires, and also helped her delve deeply into the lore surrounding them when she became a vigilante hunter. As she's grown, Kira has become more in touch with the 4 side of herself as well, accepting her uniqueness and seeing that as a gift. “Behind Fives’ relentless pursuit of knowledge are deep insecurities about their ability to function successfully in the world. Fives “take a step back” into their minds where they feel more capable. Their belief is that from the safety of their minds they will eventually figure out how to do things—and one day rejoin the world. Fives are not interested in exploring what is already familiar and well-established; rather, their attention is drawn to the unusual, the overlooked, the secret, the occult, the bizarre, the fantastic, the “unthinkable.” ” “Fours maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others.” Cody - 2w3 Cody is at heart a giver. He grew up being the friend Robin needed, and that was such a formative part of his identity that when Robin left Rowan House to become a hunter, Cody felt adrift. As the youngest child of his family, he'd relied on his friendship with Robin as an outlet for his need to be useful and needed, since his siblings didn't seem to want the nurturing. Since then, he's channeled that into his work, where he enjoys helping people find the information or books or other help that they need at the library. While he's very selfless, Cody is also ambitious, deeply driven to create stories that he can share with the world. His drive to become a published, successful author is the main evidence of his 3 wing. "Being generous and going out of their way for others makes Twos feel that theirs is the richest, most meaningful way to live. The love and concern they feel—and the genuine good they do—warms their hearts and makes them feel worthwhile. Twos are most interested in what they feel to be the “really, really good” things in life—love, closeness, sharing, family, and friendship. Healthy Twos are the embodiment of “the good parent”: someone who sees [people] as they are, understands them with immense compassion, helps and encourages with infinite patience, and is always willing to lend a hand—while knowing precisely how and when to let go." "Threes are often successful and well liked because, of all the types, they most believe in themselves and in developing their talents and capacities. Threes want to make sure their lives are a success, however that is defined by their family, their culture, and their social sphere. No matter how success is defined, Threes will try to become somebody noteworthy in their family and their community." Maira - 9w8 Maira's basic 9 type has allowed her to navigate her world by finding the paths of lesser resistance. She's wise enough to know when to back down and seek another route to her goal, and this has gotten her far in her world. People respect her shrewd 'chess match' movements, but also like her as a person since she has managed to maintain a reputation of being even-handed, understanding, and willing to seek negotiated solutions. But making the mistake of thinking Maira is a pushover is a dangerous one. Her 8 side is strongest when she encounters an injustice or cruelty. Maira has her breaking point, and woe to the person who pushes her over it. "Peacemakers are the skilled mediators and counsellors in a group of friends or coworkers. They work hard behind the scenes in order to keep the group harmony steady and flowing. As children, they knew how to get along with each classmate, making them a great addition to any group project. They can easily see the many different sides to an issue and tend not to jump to conclusions quickly, if at all. Complacent and humble, Peacemakers are stable and gentle, willing to go the extra mile to avoid rocking the boat. Soft-spoken yet firm in their personal stances, they make an effort to neutralize tension and restore group harmony." "Eights have enormous willpower and vitality, and they feel most alive when they are exercising these capacities in the world. They use their abundant energy to effect changes in their environment—to “leave their mark" on it—but also to keep the environment, and especially other people, from hurting them and those they care about. At an early age, Eights understand that this requires strength, will, persistence, and endurance—qualities that they develop in themselves and which they look for in others." Emma - 5w6 Emma's 5 tendency to acquire esoteric knowledge is one of the reasons she's risen so rapidly in vampire society since her turning. She's learned a great deal about herself and her fellow vampires, and she uses that knowledge to her advantage. She's well known for being not only on the cutting edge of knowing what's happening in the city, but for being able to analyze that information and interpret what it will mean for the vampire community and the wider city population. Her 6 side is evident in her formation of a coven that accepts vampires who were not turned by its own members, giving outcasts or vampires who broke free from their sires like her a place of safety. "Fives think, “I am going to find something that I can do really well, and then I will be able to meet the challenges of life.” They therefore develop an intense focus on whatever they can master and feel secure about. Depending on their intelligence and the resources available to them, they focus intensely on mastering something that has captured their interest. Much of their time gets spent "collecting" and developing ideas and skills they believe will make them feel confident and prepared. They want to retain everything that they have learned and “carry it around in their heads.” " "Sixes rely on structures, allies, beliefs, and supports outside themselves for guidance to survive. If suitable structures do not exist, they will help create and maintain them." Arion - 7w8 Arion is perhaps the poster child of the dangerous side of the 7 type. A hedonistic pleasure seeker, he's driven by filling his life with whatever he enjoys. He has acquired a wide range of talents and interests. But his vampire bloodthirst is his most intense drive. Unlike some vampires who control and manage their impulses, Arion embraces them. He revels in the pleasure of drinking real blood, and sees nothing wrong with seeking it out. His 8 side makes him truly dangerous, because in addition to his craving for a life of comfort and ease, he has a powerful drive to do whatever it takes to attain that goal. While he is fully capable of luxuriating in his pleasures, he is also willing to temporarily put them aside in pursuit of one he believes will be even greater." "Sevens are enthusiastic about almost everything that catches their attention. They approach life with curiosity, optimism, and a sense of adventure, like “kids in a candy store” who look at the world in wide-eyed, rapt anticipation of all the good things they are about to experience. They are bold and vivacious, pursuing what they want in life with a cheerful determination. Sevens are compelled to stay on the go, moving from one experience to the next, searching for more stimulation." "Eights do not want to be controlled or to allow others to have power over them. Much of their behavior is involved with making sure that they retain and increase whatever power they have for as long as possible. They often refuse to “give in” to social convention, and they can defy fear, shame, and concern about the consequences of their actions. Although they are usually aware of what people think of them, they do not let the opinions of others sway them. They go about their business with a steely determination that can be awe inspiring, even intimidating to others."

Taglist: @nade2308 @cmvorra @bands-space-and-monsters-oh-my @catwingsathena @asloudasalone @anguishmacgyver @flowing-river24 @myhusbandsasemni @floh673 @teddythecat1234 @bkworm4life4 @viawrites-andacts @amarilloskies

If you want to be added to or removed from my taglist for Magic & Silver stuff, just let me know! (Type description references taken from https://www.enneagraminstitute.com and https://www.truity.com/enneagram/9-types-enneagram)

#magic & silver #my ocs #robin #angus robinson #john stoker #kira burke #maira lawson #cody dayton #emma cole #arion #enneagram

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tallulahchanel · 4 years

Text

Beautiful Ones (Chapter 1)

Words: 1.6k

~~~

Nakia was a lot of things. Smart, sophisticated, and—like her umama—she could kick butt like no one’s business. Insecure was not one of them.

Yet, somehow, that woman made her feel that way.

The first time Nakia laid eyes on her was at the UN Conference in Vienna.

She walked two steps behind T'Challa, noticing how tight he gripped his wife's hand for dear life. At some point, Naomi became annoyed and she wiggled her hand out of his grip before swatting him with the other one.

"What are you trying to do? Cut off my circulation?"

T'Challa turned to her and gave her that charming smile she always falls for. "I'm sorry, iplato yetshukela (sugar plum)."

Naomi glared at him, but Nakia could see a smile twitch at the corners of her lips. She giggled at their adorable interaction, earning a quirked brow from Naomi.

"And what do you find so funny?"

The War Dog shook her head. "Nothing, my queen. I just think you two are quite adorable."

Naomi must have mistaken her words for snarkiness because she draped her arm on T'Challa's shoulder and planted a kiss on his cheek. "That's what happens when you're in love."

Nakia returned her queen’s actions with a smirk.

"Agent Ross," T'Challa greeted him the second he laid eyes on him.

"Your Highness," Everett returned as he held out his free hand to shake T’Challa’s—his other cradling a small cup of coffee. He greeted the rest of the group, but his eyes lingered when they locked with Nakia's.

"There you are," a female voice cut through the eye contact and the War Dog's gaze found a woman walking towards them.

She couldn't take her eyes off the woman. Gorgeous, tanned skin, sparkling blue eyes, and shiny blonde hair. Nakia especially took note of the short skirt and matching blazer that drew attention to her nicely toned legs and her perfectly shaped cleavage.

"You just left me at the coffee stand," the blonde woman told Everett as she approached him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." He gave her an adorable smile.

She returned his smile by flashing her pearly whites. "That's alright. Just don't do it again."

Nakia finally took her eyes off her when the sound of T'Challa clearing his throat got her attention as well as Agent Ross and his......friend.

"My apologies," Everett began as he draped an arm around her shoulders. "Agent Savannah Greene. My partner, who decided to accompany me today. Savannah, this is King T'Challa of Wakanda and his lovely wife Naomi. His guards Okoye and Ayo. And this is Nakia."

The blonde woman's eyes laid on her and a small smile crept on her lips. "So, you're Nakia."

The War Dog smiled back at her. "Yes, I am."

"It's nice to finally meet you. Agent Ross has talked about you non-stop."

"Has he now?" Nakia gave him a flattered smile, but he looked down and sipped his coffee.

"I practically had to beg him to stop." Savannah chuckled while placing a hand on his chest.

The War Dog narrowed her eyes, suddenly overcome with a need to slap that woman’s hand off his chest.

"If I didn't know any better, I would think he had fallen in love with you."

Nakia's brown eyes found Savannah's blue ones and a smirk crept on her lips, relishing the agitation that filled in them. "I've been told that it's not too hard to fall in love with me."

The blonde woman returned her smirk with one of her own and turned to T'Challa. "Agent Ross has informed me that you helped him after he was shot. I cannot thank you enough. After all, I'm nothing without him."

Everett chuckled. "She's exaggerating. She's an exceptional agent, and anyone would be fortunate to work with her."

"Well, I'm honored you think so highly of me." She looked her partner deep in his eyes and batted her long eyelashes, causing Nakia to roll her own.

"If you'll excuse me, Agent Greene, I would like a word with King T'Challa."

"Of course." She smiled at him and stepped off to the side.

Nakia stood next to Okoye when T'Challa excused himself. While she watched the exchange between the two men, she felt a pair of eyes on her. She turned to see Savannah's eyes carefully reading her as if searching for a flaw or something to stand out of place. "Anything I can do for you, Agent Greene?"

"Oh! Nothing. I was just......" she trailed off, unable to conjure a believable response.

Silence fell between them as they went back to watching the exchange between T'Challa and Everett.

"You know," the blonde woman began while sauntering over to her, "Agent Ross doesn't really date."

"Mhmm," Nakia responded, but kept her eyes on the two men exchanging words.

"I'm serious. He’s practically married to his work. Do you know how many times I've found him asleep at his desk with half-empty take out containers?”

Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, the War Dog decided to give Savannah her undivided attention. "I'm sure his work keeps him busy."

"It does. Why else do you think he barely has time to date?"

"Well, if Agent Ross is the man I think he is, then he'll find time for it, especially if the right woman comes along." Nakia cocked a brow as a smirk formed on her lips.

"Yes, well....he’ll find the right one in time. For now, I think he's content with focusing solely on his work."

"Agent Greene, if you don't mind me asking, why are you telling me this?"

"Well, you seem like someone special in his life—I gathered that from the way he spoke about you. I thought you might want to know."

"While your concern for his personal life is admirable, I should inform you that there's nothing between Agent Ross and I. He saved my life and I, in turn, saved his. Any communication between us has been that of a professional capacity."

"That's wonderful. Maybe, for the sake of his reputation, it should stay that way."

Before Nakia had the chance to ask her what that meant, Savannah stepped away to retake her place next to her partner.

"I will hold you to that, Everett," were T'Challa's final words to him before ascending the stairs. She took that as her queue to follow him.

"T'Challa," Everett addressed him before clearing his throat. "Umnqweno onomdla kunye neeshishi ezininzi (Good luck and many shoelaces)."

Nakia watched T'Challa’s face carefully and chuckled when his expression softened.

"It was close."

Everett responded with a bright smile. "Don't laugh. I practiced that."

"Enkosi (Thank you), Everett. Enkosi."

Nakia locked eyes with Everett one last time and smiled at him before following T'Challa to the conference room.

When she entered the room, she waved at Kya, who sat in the back next to Shuri. The pair of best friends were soon joined by Everett and Savannah, and her baby sister greeted him with a friendly hug and smiled at Agent Greene.

During the press conference, Nakia kept feeling a pair of eyes on her. Assuming it was Kya, she looked over to smile at her sister, but to her surprise, she locked eyes with Everett Ross, who had a small smile on his lips. With warm cheeks, she returned his smile and turned her attention to the press conference again.

After two hours of long, drawn-out speeches and redundant questions, she was finally released from the conference and she couldn’t wait to go back to the hotel and relax. She met Kya outside and hugged her.

“Hello, omncinci (little one). What did you think?”

“It was amazing.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Plus, I noticed that a certain CIA Agent couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off you.”

“Shh.” Nakia shushed Kya just as Agent Ross walked over to them with Agent Greene following behind him. “Hello again, Agent Ross and Agent Greene. Did you enjoy the press conference?”

“Yes,” Savannah answered. “It was informative.”

The War Dog smiled. “I’m glad you liked it.”

“Hi, I’m Kya. I’m Nakia’s little sister.”

“Oh yes, you were the pleasant young lady that sat next to Agent Ross. Nice to meet you.” She gave the youngest Shauku sibling a friendly smile.

“So,” Everett spoke up, his eyes on Nakia, “what’s this about an Outreach Center?”

She smiled at him. “It’s like a community center almost. We’re still in development, but it shouldn’t take too long.”

“I would love to come by someday and see it for myself, if that isn’t a problem.”

“I think we both would,” Savannah interjected, receiving quirked brows from Nakia, Kya, and Everett. She gave her partner a charming smile while placing a hand on his shoulder. “I think it would be an educational experience for me. Don’t you think so, Agent Ross?”

Nakia’s eyes narrowed at Savannah’s perfectly manicured hand on his shoulder.

“Actually,” Kya’s voice earned her attention, “I was just telling my usisi omkhulu (big sister) here that I’m planning a little Grand Opening get together for us and the families in the neighborhood. You should come, Agent Ross.”

Everett smiled at her. “I would be honored.”

“As will I,” Savannah hastily added.

Nakia found Agent Greene’s eyes and the blonde woman gave her a smirk as if she won something.

“Great!” Kya gave them both a bright smile and took her big sister’s hand. “Come on, usisi.”

“Miss Nakia.”

She looked back to lock eyes with Everett, who gave her an adorable smile.

“It was nice seeing you again.”

She returned his smile with one of her own. “It was nice seeing you too.”

~~~

Tag Squad: @terrablaze514 @lady-olive-oil @marvelheaux @thekrazykeke @niobechris @masterofhounds @my-marvel-musings @dversstark @letrecksworld @hey-im-rory @omgmariewritesstuff

#beautiful ones #everkia #everett x nakia #nakia x everett #everett ross #nakia #savannah greene

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