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#and have to actually face how incompetent i am as a human and how much i suck at friendships
nerdylilpeebee · 4 months
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No it is collective punishment, collective punishment is when people who are not responsible fir the actions are taking the consequences of the actions fir being a part of the same ethnic group or living in the same area etc. Isreal is commiting war crimes even the un agrees
Hamas may he hiding hostages but isreal is still choosing to bomb the shit out of them killing thousands of innocents many of ehom are children just to kill hamas soldiers. Israel government is either bloodthirsty or incompetent. If there were a terrorist group who had taken hostages im America and the government decided to just bomb the shit out of them killing all of them including the hostages you would understandably livid
How many Palestinian civilians and children are you ok with dying just to kill one hamas member
Except that's not what's happening. They're being used as human shields, not facing the consequences of something they weren't involved in. That is not collective punishment.
And the number of dead is actually suspect, considering most of those numbers come from sources within Gaza, and unfortunately media outlets there have proven biased. Even the journalists who captured October 7th have proven they collaborated with Hamas, even fucking posing with the leader and taking videos of themselves holding grenades (which means they knew the attack was coming and warned no one). We cannot trust information coming out of Gaza. The death toll could be much smaller than they claim it to be.
That's the thing, tho: in America, if terrorists had slaughtered 1400 people and kidnapped 220 more, there would be no negotiation. America does not negotiate with terrorists, especially ones who killed so many. And if they were foolish enough to stay on US soil, the military would surround them. And if they did not surrender the hostages, would move in to kill them, and would not be held responsible if the hostages were harmed in the process. These terrorists killed a LOT of people, and refuse to give back their hostages. By the laws of war, you are not required to do nothing simply because they hold hostages. And yeah, as I am in the case of Israel v Palestine, I would not be happy that the hostages were harmed. But I also would not condemn the military, nor the government, for taking these people down, especially if they openly and publicly declare they will continue the massacre.
Hamas literally decides how many do. They are the ones hiding behind the civilians of Gaza. They are the ones refusing to give back their hostages, calling Gazans martyrs they're happy to sacrifice, saying they will repeat the massacre of October 7th over and over and over again at the first opportunity.
You condemning the side that is forced to kill human shields for killing those human shields instead of doing nothing and allowing themselves to be slaughtered is ridiculous. I agree that the lives lost are tragic and it should not be happening. But Israel is not to blame for what's happening, Hamas is. We should be demanding they disarm, as they openly declare any and all ceasefires that happen will be used to prepare for more butchering of Israeli citizens. Meaning more retaliations from Israel in the future. The only way to stop this is to stop Hamas.
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Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Kino Ecstasy [08]
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ー The scene starts outside of Kino’s manor
Kino: ...
*Rustle*
Yui: Kyah...
( I wonder why he suddenly pulled me in...? )
Selection
→ Look at his face (❦)
Kino: ...
Yui: ( The way he’s behaving...Seems like something happened...? )
( But what could that be...? )
Kino: ...Keep quiet, okay? There, look...
→ Ask him
Yui: Kino-kun, what are y...ーー
Kino: Shh...Be quiet.
*Rustle rustle* 
Yui: ( ...There’s someone standing in front of the house... )
Male Ghoul A: Excuse me? Is that true...?
Male Ghoul B: Yeah, there’s no doubt.
He said that he’s done with Yuuri...and even went as far as to call him a nuisance. 
Why does he think we ever obeyed him in the first place!?
Because of Yuuri, of course!
We were loyal to Yuuri, not to Kino himself.
Male Ghoul A: ...Given the current circumstances, we no longer have any reason to keep following that Vampire. 
Let’s go after Yuuri at once!
Male Ghoul A: Yeah!
*Rustle*
*Flap flap flap* 
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On certain CGs, little black roses will appear on the screen. If you click on them, you get an extra line of dialogue.
“Honestly, if anything, I feel like a huge pressure has been lifted off my shoulders. They are only ever dragging me down. They should all just get out of my sight. ...Begone with them.”
“Those fools...I guess they could just never understand...Just how great I am.”
Kino: Heeh...Fufu...Fufufu...Ahaha!
Yui: Kino-kun...?
Kino: Seems like the Ravens chose Yuuri over me.
Honestly, I’m glad those incompetent fools removed themselves from my life.
Yui: Incompetent, you say...
( How mean... )
Kino: I mean, I’m not wrong, am I? In the end, they’re nothing but powerless Ghouls.
Both Yuuri as well as the other Ravens...They need to be given a reminder.
About how powerless Ghouls are...as well as how much they owe me for everything I’ve done for them so far. 
It’s all thanks to me that the Church agreed to this deal. Because I’m Karlheinz’ son!
Now that they’ve left me, there’s no place left for them here in the human world. Of course, neither is there in the Demon World.
They can drop dead for all I care! They can happily perish together like a bunch of losers who have lost their home.
Yui: Kino-kun, you’re going too far. I can’t believe you’d wish for them to perish...
Kino: I mean, can you blame me? They’re the ones who went against me...
Even though I’m special...They should respect me more than anyone else in this world...
They just don’t get it at all...
Yui: ...
Monologue
I felt as if those words he spoke weren’t actually directed at me,
nor at the Ghouls who left him. 
Most likely, Kino-kun was telling himself that.
I’m positive that Kino-kun actually wants to be with them too. 
He wants Yuuri-san to come back as well. 
Even though he feels that way, he can’t admit it. 
After all, if he does, he would defy everything he’s always stood for. 
He has always boasted himself as special (特別な存在),
using that as a weapon to silence those around him. 
This whole time, Kino-kun has applied said technique,
to gain recognizition from the people around him. 
But I just can’t feel like that is the right thing to do.
But for someone who was abandoned at an unfamiliar land at a young age,
that might have been the only way.
Perhaps the invisible, mental scars (傷跡) he has been carrying with him his whole life,
are much larger than I initially thought. 
ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー
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tiny012 · 7 months
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Can we have just ONE episode where Usagi doesn't get shit on by Rei, Luna or both?
Just fucking one??
This supposed to be focusing on Mina and here this bitch go shitting on her charge yet again.
Calling her a damn idiot in her presence?
What the fuck??
And she have to constantly hear this shit over and over again but people dare say that her self-esteem is not low.
That she doesn't think low herself when she constantly hears put downs from her guardian cat who thinks she can't do shit and what supposed to be her " best friend" who thinks she ain't going to amount to shit because she's bitter about a guy who wanted Usagi and didn't want her.
But oh
Luna and Rei just give her "tough love" becasue she needs it.
CALLING SOMEONE A DAMN IDIOT TO THEIR FACE IS NOT TOUGH LOVE!!
SAYING THAT THEY HAVE ONLY ONE GOOD TRAIT TO THEIR FACE IS NOT TOUGH LOVE
TELLING YOUR CHARGE THAT THE GUY SHE LOVES PROABLY DOESN'T WANT TO MARRY HER ANY MORE BECASUE SHE NOT " WIFE MATERIAL" AT THE AGE OF FUCKING FIFTEEN IS NOT TOUGH LOVE
HITTING SOMEONE IN THE FACE AS CHASTISMENT FOR EATING A PIE THAT YOU ALSO ATE IS NOT TOUGH LOVE
CALLING SOMEONE A CLUMSY CRYBABY IS NOT TOUGH LOVE
SAYING SOMEONE NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT IS NOT TOUGH LOVE
SAYING SOMEONE DOESN'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS IN THEIR HEAD IS NOT TOUGH LOVE
SAYING MEAN NASTY ASS SHIT IS NOT TOUGH LOVE BUT FUCKING BULLYING!
But lo and behold.
What is she expected to do?
She have to save everyone all the damn time even tho they are not pulling their weight as senshi.
They supposed to be protecting her but she end up protecting them.
She have listen to everyone damn problems but when it comes to her oh she's being " whimsical"
THEN SHE HAVE TO SAVE THE DAMN WORLD BY HER FUCKING SELF BECAUSE THEY ARE SO DAMN INCOMPETENT!
But you have the nerve to call her an idiot in her face when in a movie she does you a damn solid to turn your ass into a human so you live out your fantasy with being with a human you was stalking and forget about Artemis??
She should have kept that damn bandaid on your damn forehead 109 episodes ago and kept walking....
To say 90's Luna is better than Manga/Crystal Luna...
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Lord if the writers just let her got fucking fed with the bullshit treatment from all of them.
All of them would be fucked without her...
That's why it's so many fanfics of Usagi leaving them for America and getting a new set of friends.
They aint shit without her and it's sad that they should know this but they don't act like it.
And it's a fucking shame how this season really rammed up the dogpiling on her.
"But the 90's anime have the best friendships... "
"They are actually friends in the 90's anime."
"They are not friends in the manga and crystal because we don't see them shopping together or doing things together..."
" They are not friends in the manga and crystal because almost wordship Usagi to much."
Who needs friends when you have friends and guardian cat like that?
Call you a damn idiot unapology in your presence and all you can do is walk and take it.
I'm more heated than this Alabama heat we are having...
Because I am so sick of this shit Usagi have to deal with.
One More thing
SHE'S A PURE HEART BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO SAVE EVERYONE INCULDING YOUR DAMN ASS!
THAT'S WHAT'S MAKES HER PURE!
HER PURITY IS HER KINDNESS, LIGHT AND WANT TO SAVE OTHERS.
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coral-melon · 4 months
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Hello! Are you taking matchup requests? If yes, I'd like to send one in for Obey Me
I'll go by ⭐. My pronouns are she/her and I'm demisexual
Appearance: I am South Asian with long wavy black hair. Usually tie my hair in a half ponytail at the back because I like how it looks and I don't really like the feeling of hair on my shoulders. I am 165 cm tall and reasonably fit
Personality: I'm calm, collected and hardworking. I can be a bit aloof and arrogant sometimes, but I make sure it doesn't get out of hand. I am curious and perfectionistic, and I'm also pretty academically smart (though I sometimes struggle with impostor syndrome). The gifted kid burnout syndrome is catching up, though. People say I do have a bit of a cold facade, but once they get to know me, I'm much warmer and gentler than they initially thought. I care deeply for my friends and my family, so I'll do whatever I can for them. I do face a lot of pressures too from having to be the perfect oldest daughter, the therapist friend (despite psychology not being my major, more of a special interest) and from having to do well in school (engineering is kicking my ass low-key). I often bake my closest friends and family a cake on their birthday with a silly message written on it. I also has a soft spot (special interest) for outer space and love to stargaze wherever the skies are clear
Likes: Books, herbal tea, art, lofi hip-hop, video games, anime, drawing, spicy food, affogato, outer space
Dislikes: Incompetence, unnecessary conflicts, bullies, fake friends dishonesty, cruelty, dog-eared book pages, anyone who dares threaten my family, loud noises, itchy fabrics, bright lights
Hello! Thank you for introducing yourself and It’s a pleasure to meet you, -⭐️!
I match you with…~
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★ You two are seen as a married old couple. Both of you understand each other wholeheartedly but this does mean that you often clash with one another. One moment you’ll be arguing and the next you’ll be sitting in a tranquil silence as the two of sip on a cup of tea while listening to one of his cursed records.
☆ Stubborn to the core, you two always try to one up each other. It astonishes him just how far you’ll go to achieve what you want; he won’t say it out loud though. But in the end, what you truly do is just help each other out.
★ Although he doesn’t say it out loud, he’s extremely proud of everything you do. The way you’re just so hardworking can put almost every single demon to shame. But he can sense how little you feel about yourself at times.
☆ So he encourages you to keep doing better than your previous accomplishment, so that you can finally stand tall and proud of all your achievements. But it’ll sometimes slip his mind that you are only human; when he thinks you’re slacking off, it’s actually you feeling burned out from everything. The pressure of having to keep up with his standards can be too much at times.
★ There have been many occasions where you get frustrated at Mammon because of how hard it is to work with him. His hopeless when it comes to his studies! Lucifer can’t help but chuckle under his breath whenever you come ranting about the failed study sessions.
☆ He’s not fond of sweets, if you baked something for him, he’ll eat it mostly to indulge you. But he likes how it’s never overly sweet, its a mild flavor that he has come to appreciate. You got him to try and Affogato that was actually quite good in his opinion.
★ He also enjoys the silly messages you leave, it motivates him to get through his work. He often find himself thinking about them and gets sudden cravings for your homemade stuff.
☆ He appreciates everything you do to help him out, his brothers are always a handful and a pain in the ass neck at times. He also can’t help but feel soft whenever you come by his office to hand him a cup of tea that’s especially to aid in sleep.
★ I imagine there was a time where you gave him this tea without him knowing it helped make you drowsy. And he just immediately passes out; best believe he wasn’t too pleased in the morning. After that lil incident, He’ll refuse the tea and will ask to be given coffee instead. But that doesn’t mean he won’t drink other teas you give him; just don’t make him pass out.
☆ You’re an endearing person, and in a way, it feels comforting for him to know that the two of you aren’t so different. An unspoken understanding of one another pulls you closer together.
★ Even in the little things, like the fact that the loud noises or unnecessary bickering between the brothers is something the both of you keep a close eye on and work on preventing too much chaos.
☆ Yet still being so caring to his brothers leaves a warm sensation in his chest. You even try to stop being from giving cruel punishments to his brothers. He sees this a both a good, but also sees is as you defying him at times.
★ You being the eldest daughter in your family has given you the experience, and patience, to deal with their shenanigans. You’re always giving him a helping hand when he’s already too busy with his work.
☆ There are also the times where you do your own little thing in his office, perhaps drawing or playing your games during your free time, while he does the his paper work when it’s not as hectic.
★ One day he gives a gift, he gives you a magical star projector as a small token of his gratitude. You can take this hc however you please -⭐️
End
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((This might be slightly off topic, but the two of you remind me of this soundtrack ^^⸝⸝))
Ty for writing this to me and I hope you enjoyed this! You sound like a very extraordinary person, remember to take care of yourself and that everything you’ve done so far is amazing⭐️
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sullxo · 1 year
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There are more types of oppression than racism. Homophobia and economic oppression, for example. White women, are still women, and all women suffer misogyny. We are still born and raised in households with preference for sons over daughters. We are still treated like sex objects by men, raped and abused. We are oppressed by denial of abortion rights. Men still treat us as if we are incompetent and have inferior brains. We aren't seen as fully human beings. The only time white men care about us is off they can use us as a tool to put down black and brown people.
I have sat in a room full of black men and had one of those black men tell me that, as a woman, what I need to understand is that my pussy doesn't actually belong to me and that I need to "spread it around" or else I'm being a bitch. (I very politely disagreed and changed the subject.) Is it racist of me to tell the truth of what happened in that situation? That a black man said something extremely sexist to me?
It would be wrong if a room full of white people said nothing when one of them started saying racist things to a black person. Why is the reverse OK?
Black men have told me that I don't deserve abortion rights. That I owe my body to the fetus. Are you saying it is impossible for black men to say and do sexist things?
Just like white women have racial power, black men have male power. And males will always see other males as more human than women of any race. That's why black men got the right to vote in the 15th amendment, before women got the right to vote in the 19th amendment.
Everyone remembers Susan B Anthony's racism, which was unacceptable, and rightfully deserves to be criticized.
But nobody remembers how Frederick Douglas told his friend Susan B Anthony--who wanted the 15th amendment to include everyone--well he told her that it just wasn't women's time yet. Nobody cares that a black man was sexist, because he has male privilege.
Here's a link for proof.
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Racism is wrong. Sexism is wrong. But why do we pretend that only one of these things exists? Why not acknowledge that black men and white women both exist at an intersection of oppression and privilege?
Because you fail to understand the systematics in what you’re saying. You want to live in the colorblind whataboutism to make your point, while skirting away from everything else. You literally mentioned reverse racism, which doesn’t exist.
I’m clearly not saying that only racism and sexism exist. You are attempting to strawman me here. What I am saying, and have been saying, is that “oppression” that white women face is not on the same axis. It’s not even on the same axis of misogyny as other race of women.
You can not tell me, and let me this abundantly fucking clear, a black lesbian woman, that a white woman would ever suffer the same oppression in the western society. You’re pissed about the lack of abortion rights, when the main source of proprietor of abortion clinics came from a fucking racist. And I’m fully pissed about Roe v. Wade decision.
You’re pissed about patriarchal views in the white households, but don’t care about the American streets being littered with black blood for fucking centuries, and we have never gotten so much fucking apology from this sick, oppression regime we live in. Black women, black men, black children.
But yeah, let’s talk about about how you’re more oppressed. Because you clearly matter way more.
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drdemonprince · 1 year
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I don't know who to ask about this and I'm too ashamed to ask in any auDHD support group, but how do I cope with RSD from my own incompetence?
I made friends in the crochet community and I've been learning crochet for three years. I'm glad for how far I've come but I can't ignore the fact that I've been talked down by my family due to my hobbies. Since I was a kid, every special interest that I have got shot down or ridiculed and I think because of that, I always have a bit of an unhealthy view of it.
Sometimes, I became competitive and when meeting new people who are more likable, more talented, more resourceful, or have more spoons to create, I wish I could be their friend too so hopefully, I could be like them. But then, I get RSD because of their lack of interest (because I already put a barrier between us) or because sometimes we're not on the same page regarding some things.
I became resentful every time I saw or meet them. I just can't shake the anxiety and irrational anger whenever I see even a glimpse of them online or offline. I can't stop projecting my insecurities onto them and even though I've tried to act nice and avoid any talk or conflict, I can't ignore them entirely since we're in the same circle. My friends like this person, and I know I look odd being the only one who stops talking or is void of emotion whenever we're in the same space.
I feel childish just asking this but I hope you know a way for me to cope with it.
I wrote in a piece a few months ago arguing that most of what gets called RSD is largely just pathologizing a really sensible reaction to repeated social rejection, and I think that holds here.
You are putting a LOT of pressure on yourself, on your own abilities as a crocheter, on every interaction that you have within the community, on individual people who symbolize a desired level of acceptance and recognition you imagine they have and that you don't, on the validatory meaning of small interactions, etc, and so it's no wonder you are bugging the fuck out so much! It's very hard to act normal and chill and take the weird comings and goings of socializing with other people naturally when there's so much weight hanging on every little interaction or cue
(including many completely unintentional or potentially misreadable cues -- it's hard to gauge how much a new/slightly unfamiliar person actually likes or dislikes you, sometimes, and when you've had a lifetime of bad experiences, it's easier to sensibly default to assuming any neutral or missing cue is a negative).
Unfortunately, in my experience the only ways to move past this kind of overthinking and stressing and putting a hindering amount of symbolic weight on small interactions is through lots of practice and building up distress tolerance... and by genuinely having positive or warm experiences enough times that it helps train your nervous system to not associate the activity or community with threat.
It's apt you're messaging me coming off furfest weekend; when I'm around plushy-suited smiling-faced fursuits, I actually feel happy and comfortable around people, because they all look so nice and unthreatening to me! And move so goofily and sweetly and are there for such an adorable reason! In reality, I could practice seeing all humans in this way, because those are humans under those fursuits and most humans are just as capable of being silly and playful as furries are, at least in the right context.
But I have Social Anxieties and so a neutral expression on an unknown person registers as either disapproval or threat, much the time, meaning I am more defensive and less friendly with other people as I move about the world, worsening my own social anxiety by denying me practice and positive experiences, etc. all of which is a long winded way of saying i feel you and i understand what it's like.
In my experience, when I *can't* just run off and surround myself with completely nonthreatening looking fursuiters as a means of disengaging my social anxiety, one way I can at least overcome the worst of it is by having a lot of really mundane interactions with people that are not focused on socializing or making friends (or scoring any kind of interpersonal "win") as their cause.
Having an external goal and focus that you share with others unites them with you and keeps you mutually distracted enough to not be distracted by constantly socially evaluating one another (or trying to guess at how the other person is evaluating you etc). So, join up with some people to organize an event in the crocheting community, edit some example patterns with someone, ask someone whose skills you respect for help with a project that's got you stuck, just generally find some way to share the act of directing attention toward some separate/third thing, and make it something noncompetitive or where you can experience the other person as affiliated with you.
What's great is that research shows working collaboratively on a task as equals is one of the greatest bias-busters for neurodivergent people! So if you have looming anxieties about people treating you weirdly because your neurodivergent or anything like that, aligning yourself with someone to take on a task or a project is more likely to make them like you in return, and you will eventually be able to notice and internalize some signs of that affection, hopefully.
Beyond that, I think you need to just keep going to events in the chrocheting space, contributing to them, approaching people and asking them about their work, asking for and receiving advice and help with your own, and just generally behaving cordially to everyone you bump up around in that world, even if you don't like some of them or have some anxieties surrounding how some of them see you. when we really fear the judgement of another person we feel strongly motivated to dive the fuck away from them, which does not lessen the anxiety in the longrun.
but if the person isn't downright hostile or abusive to us or anything like that, we can usually get a little bit more acclimated to being around them simply by ... being around them, but not prioritizing winning them over, just socializing with others and interacting with them neutrally / pleasantly enough when the situation naturally arises. some people in the community might not like you, or RSD might be sending you some misfires or both, but either way, you can keep showing up and focusing on the friendships and activities that have been paying off, and directing more energy there.
and you'll probably still feel like an overly analytical insecure wreck for a while as you do all of this!! that is okay. feeling better is not the first step to doing better/differently. you can enact the behaviors of being affiliative, pleasant, collaborative, and curious even when you're not absolutely feeling it.
if you have big red glaring instincts telling you a person is Bad to be around, dont ignore that, of course, but you can keep showing up and being a pleasant, active party in this community even when your brain is telling you that so and so not looking up from their project to say hi when you walked in the room is proof that they have always hated you. it isn't proof of that, most of the time, but youre not crazy for having those fears, i have intrusive thoughts like that all the time.
my mind looks all around for evidence ive fucked up in some terrible way that i need to fix, and ive had to make an intentional practice of dismissing those ideas when they come up, and choosing to treat interactions and lower stakes and more blase than they actually felt that they were... but eventually i just got so socially active and had so many interactions that were in fact low stakes and not a big deal that eventually my brain started sometimes believing it wasnt a think to worry so much about.
i hope some of that makes sense or has some applications to what you're working on. i'm sorry that your family has been so dismissive of your passions over the years. it sounds like youve found a rewarding hobby and some people you enjoy being around who also take part in it, and that even the worst enemies you have in the space at this point are not actively dicks, just passively disinterested, so you really do have a lot of raw social material to work with here and get more acclimated to with continued practice. but hey, it's been three years, it's honestly okay if there are some anxieties you always have, just dont let it keep you from getting out there and trying to approach people/engage in the hobby along with other people. sounds like youve been doing fine.
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ordinaryschmuck · 1 year
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If Eda Found Hunter Instead (Part One Hundred and Seventy-Six)
The figure in the steam stands, with the steam going away and revealing the Golden Guard...who looks to be no more than ten years old.
Golden Guard, voice cold and emotionless: Halt, criminals. In the name of the Emperor.
Eda:
Hunter:
Eda: ...PFFT!
Eda and Hunter burst out laughing. Luz just coos.
Luz: Aw, so tiny!
Eda, between chuckles: This is Belos’ new lap dog?! A baby boy playing pretend?
Golden Guard: I will have you know that I am the most well-trained scout to get this position.
Hunter: HA! Sure you are, Twerp. But, hey, it’s probably an achievement to be a part of a system so incompetent that they’ll let a child be their boss.
Golden Guard: My underlings are incompetent, I will admit, but at least they have magic. Unlike you three imbeciles.
Eda: You don’t know that.
Luz: And we’re not imbeciles.
Golden Guard: It’s all over the news that you three don’t have magic and you very much are imbeciles. You are standing in flesh eating plants, after all.
They all look down and, sure enough...
All: GAH!
They jump off, stomping their feet in the sand.
Golden Guard: And my point has been made. Now, the human and the deserter will repay the damages they have both caused with their incompetence.
Hunter: You’re incompetent!
Golden Guard: I am very much not. As for the Owl Lady, she will be arrested for attacking an Emperor’s ship.
Eda: They’re the ones worth stealing from. Now, I have a question: Why are you guys hunting the Selkidomus? It's a peaceful creature, and you're provoking it!
Golden Guard: The emperor wants it dead. And what the emperor wants, he gets.
Eda: Yeah, well, I’m going to smack you around for a bit!
She rips off her arm and runs toward the Golden Guard.
Golden Guard: That is ill-advised.
Eda: Don’t care!
She swings her arm at the Golden Guard. He effortlessly dodges each attack and swats her away with his staff. Luz then comes up with a fire glyph.
Luz: Leave Eda alone!
The Golden Guard dodges the fire blast and levitates Luz with his staff. A shot is fired, and the Golden Guard, without having to look, catches a crossbow bolt out of the air just as it was about to hit his face. He looks over to see Hunter, who’s both surprised and a little scared.
Golden Guard: I tried being civil. But if all you respond to is violence...
Using his staff, he levitates Eda, Luz, and Hunter over the Boiling Sea. Hunter’s crossbow falls out of his hands and melts into the waters below them.
Hunter: Ok, we get it!
Golden Guard: Good.
He throws them back onto the beach, stunning them.
Golden Guard: Now, are you willing to comply?
Hunter: How about compromise? You need someone to kill that thing, right? Well, what if we do it?
Luz: What?!
Eda: Hunter!
Golden Guard: Hm...Actually, the deserter makes a point. If you three somehow do manage to kill the beast, it can be enough to pay off the damages you have all caused. And because I know you could use all the help you can get...
He uses his staff to form a sword out of thin air, dropping it at their feet. Luz whimpers, but Hunter leans over.
Hunter, whispering: Relax, we’re not going to kill it. I’m thinking if we play our cards right, we could find a way to escape within those caves.
Golden Guard: Oh, and if you do not slay it within, let us say, an hour, I will drown your bizarre pet.
He lifts up a cage to reveal King’s inside it.
Hunter: ...Well, there goes that plan.
Luz: Fine. I’ll do it.
Hunter: Wait, what?
Eda: Luz, no!
But Luz already picks up the sword and heads for the cave, Eda following close behind. Hunter gets up to follow too, but gives one last lingering look to the Golden Guard before taking off after Luz and Eda.
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railroadlesbian · 1 year
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For character bingo!
Soo Charon, Desmond Lockheart and Preston Garvey
okay so here’s charon
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i love the giant ghoul. he’s my giant bestie. the reluctant friendship is stored in the charon <3 i like charon so much i yoinked him for the longest of my fics (which takes place during the storyline of 4, not 3, but by the time i finally publish, it’ll be apparent why i wanted him there). he’s the opposite of deeks and nick with regards to most stuff, but i still love him for it. i love that he’s oversized. i love how gruff and grumpy he can be. i love that he’s the opposite of other companions in the explosives respect totally not side-eying nick rn and that he’s very capable and knows it. i applaud him for shooting his shitty former boss in the middle of the dude’s own place. he’s yet another character where you can have a field day with analyzing him even if he doesn’t talk all that much. i’ve heard ahzrukhal’s quip that charon deserved his current status for past things he had done, but given how much of a bastard ahzrukhal is, i’m taking anything he says with a massive heaping helping of salt. and in all honesty, knowing what charon is like, his existence makes you ask the question “how could he have possibly earned the total loss of his free will with regards to whoever holds the contract?” what could he possibly have done to earn this hellish existence? this purgatory of being forced to follow the orders of others? the inability to be able to control himself and do what he wants? i mean, he stands pretty firm on the “combat only” part of his contract, won’t let you force him to do non-combat related bullshit, and while i’m not an expert on fallout 3 the way i am on fallout 4, i know he’ll reluctantly agree to activate the purifier or whatever if you have broken steel, but personally, i like it when he shuts you down. it’s his boundary. he’s enforcing his boundaries with probably the only human who’s treated him acceptably in a long time. i kinda have to wonder if he’s trying to trust you not to push the boundary. personally, i’m a pushover and a self-sacrificial jackass so i probably wouldn’t ask him in the first place if i played true to my self. all in all, i may not be a very touchy person, but i wanna give the poor big bastard a big ol’ hug. knowing his general self, he’d probably push anyone who tried away with a massive hand to the face, but eh i still like him. he’s a nice counter to most of the others i like so much. grumpy old ghoul bestie <3
this is desmond lockheart’s but take it with a grain of salt because i haven’t gotten around to playing point lookout, i’ve just researched it a lot, but i’ll still give him my best shot.
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personally? asshole. i kinda understand why he’s appealing to others, i’m just not on that wavelength. the way he talks to LW just irks me and it gets on my nerves in a way that i haven’t experienced since working fast food for 2+ years. he talks like you’re an incompetent dumbass most of the time, yet it’s his stupid ass that wants you to do all this shit for him. so which way is it? does he want my help or does he want to be a condescending douche? this isn’t a commentary on anyone who may like him, i’m just not a big fan of the attitude.
here’s for preston, the goodest of bois.
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i actually haven’t played that much with preston tbh. i mean i’m always tagging in for both the minutemen and the railroad, the settlement building mechanics that make me want to rip my hair out are also deeply satisfying for my autistic and OCD brain, but i like the railroad too much to not play for them and then i always get sucked in because of deeks and glory.
all in all, preston is a great guy. he’s the perfect lil guy. he’s good and wholesome and polite, he just wants the best for the people of the commonwealth, he’s humble and recognizes his faults… but he’s too quick to trust in my opinion. i’m glad he hasn’t been hardened by trauma, but he’s still way too vulnerable with a total stranger, and the fact he appoints sole as general after almost no time at all (to screen them for whether they’re a good fit or not) instead of taking the role himself since he’s basically the last of the minutemen to stick around, well it tells me he’s got very little confidence in himself as a leader. very low self esteem. he carries himself in a way that almost covers for it, even making a joke when you ask about the sudden big promotion by saying he’s the last of the minutemen officially so no one can argue with his decision.
the fact that preston is barely holding it together and everyone is so mean to him makes me feel very protective of him. he has such a baby face, i can’t imagine he’s that much older than maccready. he’s been acting as atlas for the quincy group, and he’s growing fatigued by the time we encounter him in game. the fact any of them got out alive after all the shit they went through is kinda a feat in and of itself. preston only ever recognizes his failures, not his wins. not the fact that he kept a traumatized group consisting of an elderly addict, a couple in two completely different stages of grief about their dead son, and a synth mechanic/engineer/whatever the fuck he needs to be, ALIVE. by himself. in the midst of a literal raid. the others were seemingly unarmed too. that’s not an insignificant action. preston is still a hero. he put his life on the line trying to protect the group. by some weird stroke of luck that i don’t get the grace of having anywhere else, my game has glitched for the past year and change, and preston skips his usual turn in a quest shpiel every time i talk to him. i’ve tried fixing it but idk what’s causing the glitch so i can’t really figure out how to get him to go back to saying the full lines. he like wigs out and cuts himself off every time i turn in a quest, and chops up the “as usual, there’s another settlement that needs help, i’ll mark it on your map” line. it’s like i skipped dialogue but i didn’t and it’s kind of annoying. but it also means i don’t have to listen to the repeated lines over and over, therefore i’m not annoyed with him like some people.
i feel a kind of kinship with him in the “if i didn’t have people relying on me, i’d probably give up. completely” sentiments because when MY depression gets bad, that’s the thread i’m holding onto. my parents need me, my grandparents need me, my little brother needs me, the kids i work with need me, my dogs need me. preston doesn’t deserve the shit he gets. he’s a good kid and he just wants what’s best for people but the poor guy is barely keeping up the façade. he needs a hug and a nap, not all the shit he gets. i’m adopting him as my little brother. if anything happened to him i’d kill everyone in the commonwealth and then myself.
okay so finally i finished these three, i was starting to think i’d never finish typing lmao my hands just kept going TuT
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goffilolo · 2 years
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Black Clover thoughts - devil edition
Quick! Black Clover is coming back from hiatus soon and I need to share my silly thoughts about the devil lore before Tabata ruins it. Some of it is vaguely based of demonology, and some it is just my usual brain rot.
I got so much shit to say about Beelzebub. First of all I need to know what that bitch actually looks like, because how else am I supposed to draw him as anything other than his shadow form or the gremlin form? C’mon Tabata, don’t be shy babygirl, show me the face of the devil that was subscribed to Zenon’s gay depression for the past 20 years or so.
Also regarding Beelzebub, I came up with this whole running joke about how he invented Christianity, which originally started off as an MLM that was ran by him and a human he was contracted to named Jesus. Basically long story short after Jesus’ death he ended up possessing his corpse for a few days, which is how the crazy rumors have started and the ‘apostles’ which really was just Jesus’ downline (minus Judas who was the only one to realize he was being scammed) ended up spreading the news further and over time it spiraled into a religion. I choose to accept it as canon in my heart because I find the idea of a whole religion being accidentally invented by a devil to be hilarious and if I incorporate it into my AUs it means that Astaroth has to grin and bear Orsi and Lily’s good natured offers to baptize his kids, while choosing NOT to tell them that their entire faith is a result of a devil scam.
I don’t have that much to say about Megicula as of yet, other than my personal belief that since in canon she ended up taking Astaroth’s place during the Qlipoth she could’ve been his student/successor back in the underworld. I’m imagining full on ‘crazy disgraced mana theory professor and his sidekick that thinks her superior should probably be institutionalized, but is also writing down everything he says’ vibe. Add in to the fact that Megicula canonically shows no understanding of significance on interpersonal connections and her fascination with things that strike her interest seems rather cold and calculating, and all I’m picturing is this devil critter with a clipboard aggressively writing down stuff while muttering ‘interesting’ at the most boring and benign things about humanity and human realm in general, and I’m saying this specifically within the context of my Peanut Gallery AU.
Adrammelech’s lazy ass during the entire Qlipoth? Iconic. We know nothing about him yet we stan for the personality alone. According to demonology he’s in charge of Satan’s wardrobe, so the idea of him being like a royal stylist? Spectacular, no wonder he acts the way he does with Lucifero. Peak troll behavior.  Also, is that the reason why Lucifero looked the way he did at Qlipoth? Did Adrammelech roll up with some clothes on a hanger and say ‘today we’re doing a maxi skirt and tits out kind of look, people are gonna love this’? And Lucifero just went with it? I demand answers Tabata!
Speaking of the bitch himself! I sincerely believe that Lucifero is shit at what he does. I mean like Augustus level of incompetence. Silv and I had this running joke that the reason underworld is such a shit place to begin with is because Lucifero is very bad at managing it and that the lower rings of the underworld are their equivalent of forsaken realm, but worse,which explains why Liebe’s life there was so terrible before he got yeeted at the hellgates. Lucifero is the single most disliked political figure there but everyone is too scared to say it out loud because of his power. And all the other supreme devils in their political cabinet just have to put up with his ass.
And finally, for the honorary mention in this post - good old Lucifugus. According to demonology this guy is like the prime minister of hell, meaning that Lucifero just pushes all of his paperwork onto him. This man has not had a vacation in at least 5 centuries and he won’t have it for another 5. He hates his job, he wants to retire, he could sign Lucifero’s paperwork in fuckin crayon and his shitty king would be none the wiser because he does fuck all. No wonder he murdered Nacht’s family and all the other people at the ritual. He was probably pissed off at being summoned while he was in the middle of doing Lucifero’s work for him.
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lyrslair · 7 months
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Just sitting here thinking about how extreme the anti-psychology mindset gets on here sometimes and I just...
Yes, sometimes the mistakes your provider made are malicious. More often they are incompetence (I am including stubbornness and resistance to new information in this - getting set in one's ways isn't always malicious but it IS a fundamental flaw in how one is doing one's job if one is in a field that relies heavily on constantly-updating science).
But in a lot of cases, more often than even incompetence I'd guess (though yeah I will admit there are a lot of shitty stubborn therapists out there), they are a matter of psychology NOT being exact. They teach you so in class. It's not cut and dry the labels are just a starting point to help guide someone to the right treatment. But sometimes even conditions with wildly different treatment needs have a LOT of overlap so it can be DIFFICULT to sus out which is which. PTSD (including/especially cPTSD), ADHD, and autism have a MASSIVE overlap that causes them to often be misdiagnosed as each other, or for providers to miss that you have more than one, because they're looking at childhood history and especially when you are diagnosed later in life, it's harder to figure out when onset actually was. They are doing the best with the information they have available and yeah it SUCKS and it's FRUSTRATING but something I have learned from being chronically ill and knowing a shitton about my own body:
I am not the typical patient. I come in with a fully detailed notebook. Some doctors are DELIGHTED by it. Some are suspicious because they've had patients in the past who actually did turn out to be hypochondriacs who needed a different kind of help than they could provide and they're overworked and tired. And yeah, one or two have been arrogant blowhards who either dismissed me outright or just REALLY hated me coming in wanting to be such an active participant in my care because they were so used to Old White Dudes who just want the doctor to tell them what's wrong and send them on their way.
With therapists, especially early on when they are still getting to know who you are, they don't know yet which of those patients you are. Some of them are better at handling it than others (it's a reason I never pursued a license - the social portion I don't think I'd be any good at, you know? so like, I didn't want to be That Guy because I have too much impostor syndrome around my own ability to not inadvertently pre-judge because let's face it, that's a very human thing to do and therapists are still human). Plus a lot of even the most well informed patients sometimes forget, as my doctor puts it, "it's your job to know your body, it's my job to know the medicine." But also if I bring up something she's never heard of she'll look it up. Sometimes she'll tell me she needs more time to look into it and would rather discuss it at my next followup. One of my favorite therapists once openly admitted she didn't know enough about autism to feel confident telling me anything on that front so if I needed to move forward with that I couldn't do it with her because I needed someone who had done the study and had the knowledge.
And yeah it's a balancing act. Because I've run into a lot of folks who just... are outdated in their knowledge and somehow know less about a condition than I do because medicine and psychology are so BROAD it's why most people specialize to a certain degree.
But some folks on this site throw the baby out with the bathwater, as it were, and try to say ALL of psychology is bullshit because they've mostly run into the folks who did it poorly or weren't a good match for them. But among other things, the folks who are more forgiving of discovery in other sciences need to realize that psychology is a science too. Anecdote is useful but cannot be used as evidence and it requires the same study and peer review as the "hard sciences" to get the paradigm changed. It's just that with it and medicine we're a lot CLOSER to the direct effect of how slow a process that sometimes is, so it helps to find a provider who is willing to take the occasional leap and try something unconventional if it might help you and there's no harm in trying it.
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glassesandswords · 2 years
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Hello! This is random, but I’m a curious bee. I’ve seen on internet that people stereotype people from India as really smart and competitive about school. Is it true? Did/Do you feel pressure about doing well at school?
Well, I won't call everyone smart, but the thing is, there's a lot of population and extremely limited good seats for the popular careers. So, naturally, the competition is cut-throat where each and every mark counts. Students get a taste of this national competition during the tenth grade exams, but it is only during 12th grade and the actual stream-based entrance exams when they go batshit crazy. There's SO much pressure and high expectations, especially if you are a kid who has a slightly above-average performance in academics.
This is also the reason why many students from India choose to study abroad if they can afford it (or even if they can't, they take loans), all because it is so, so difficult to get into good colleges and eventually get high-paying jobs in an underpaid country.
A more personal take below:
To answer your other question, yes, I have faced immense pressure in the academic front too. I did really well in tenth grade exams and was pressured by my family to take up the science stream for 12th grade exams to pursue a 'respectable' career like Engineering/Medicine.
But the two years that followed were hellish- full of failures, feelings of extreme incompetency, the fear that everyone was getting ahead of me, and a constant internal chant of "I'm gonna fail these exams so bad, i won't get into a good college, i won't get a good job, i have destroyed my life"
When I was writing the JEE exam (an engineering entrance exam-it's one of the toughest exams in the world), I remember looking at the paper, mind blank except for the thought, "Is this how I want to live for the rest of my life? In a stream i can't understand and a career i don't love?"
That question was enough for me to flip a 180 and switch streams to humanities and media- a field less socially respected but something I genuinely loved. It took a lot to convince my family, and it wasn't the best decision in terms of how much money I get to earn (my best friend who did engineering literally earns 4x more than me), but I have no regrets.
I genuinely enjoyed what I studied in college, the kinds of people I met, and I love the job I am doing rn. And no matter the disapproval i still get from some people I know and all the salary comparisons, I haven't turned back, and I don't feel the need to.
The rat-race for money and status isn't worth your happiness and passion for life.
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brokenmusicboxwolfe · 11 months
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After spending hours this afternoon trying to work on something only to end up:
Breaking two tools I can’t afford to replace
Injuring myself
Having made the problem I was trying to fix worse instead of better
Realizing that this happens to me most of the time
Well, I think I have been avoiding facing this far too long. I am simply utterly incompetent!
Not joking.
Sometimes I know what to do, but I lack the skill or the strength or the money for parts or…but a lot of the time I don’t know. Maybe the vague idea, but not the specifics, and my situation is always just enough off research just points me wrong.
Maybe I’m just an idiot.
What really sucks is that my father was ultra capable, and because Pop and I thought alike everyone, including me, expects me to be ultra capable too.
That’s not fair! I mean, Pop was a genius.
I mean literally a genius in the classic IQ way (IQ is bullshit though, remember that!) but also in what he could do. Tell him build a bridge without modern tools, and he’d design it, cut down the trees, run them through a belt saw mill, and construct it himself so well you could run a tank over it. He was making a submarine from scratch. Where I just daydream stories, he would design sterling engines in his head for fun.
He was so good at stuff, constantly building and making things, using every tool imaginable. He seemed skilled at everything. Construction, electronics, survival skills, actually pretty much anything but musical instruments. TBH I think that’s mostly because he expected to be good at playing without spending time. Oh, and sports. He just hated sports! LOL (and Mom LOVED sports and had been an athlete!)
Pop’s head was overflowing with stuff. Ask him about his favorite areas of science (geology, physics, climate, actually just about everything but human biology) or history or politics and he could go off on it for hours.
I miss that, us out there fiberglassing on layups that could take hours, and talking the whole time. I miss talking to someone that’s interested in everything and never having to worry about being misunderstood or losing or offending the person.
I miss his brain soooooo much! I used to call him my external hard drive. Mom was our calculator and spell check (which is AMAZING since I can neither spell nor do math in my head…and yes, she was extremely smart too), but Pop was everything else. “Hey Pop, quick question about nuclear physics….”
But this is a major source of my problem. I was his side kick. He was The Doctor and I was the companion. I was good at that. Very good. Trouble is I don’t know quarter of what he knew. I don’t have him to ask what to do or how to do it. Every single day I realize how much I took being able to talk to him for granted.
I also certainly don’t have his magnificent, big, strong hands capable of both brute force and the most delicate of detail work. My hands just fumble.
Pop and I did think alike. It never occurred to me he was all that unusual because we got each other. Heck, half the time I acted as a kind of translator when he’d get too frustrated trying to get someone to understand. **
I’d certainly have never called him a genius (and only recently discovered in old papers that he actually technically was…’cause like I said, IQ is bullshit) and TBH, it feels weird to use. I can say it now that he is dead, but to say it about the living sounds like ego stoking crap.
I just thought he was interested in everything and he cared about everything and everyone. All curiosity and intense emotions. This seemed normal.
Pop was a sweetheart and I loved him dearly, but the loss of that wondrous mind of his felt like an extra tragedy when he died. I’d lost my father, my best friend, and my boss….but the idea that that brain was gone from the world was devastating.
Only later did I realize how much I’d lost. Yes, I’d helped him with everything, but I’m not him.
Frankly, compared to Pop I’m an idiot. I flail about cluelessly. My brain doesn’t record things. Once a task is done it gets erased, and so everything I did with Pop got deleted long ago. Just vague shapes of jobs, but the skills are gone. Forgetting means I have to reinvent the wheel all the damn time.
When Pop was alive I felt we could do anything. For too long after I’ve expected myself to be able to continue that indomitability. If I just kept trying, working at it, never giving up, thinking things through, I should be able to do anything too.
But I can do nothing.
For months it has been failure after failure, my world crumbling to dust around me. Not one thing I have tried to repair or create has worked. I make things worse, break things, ruin things. even things I had a modest ability at I no longer seem able to do (just look at all my sculpting, or better yet don’t).
For the first time in my life I really feel worthless, useless, pathetic…I almost even hate myself. Of course I have no one, no friends or family left. Why would anyone be able to care about someone with nothing to offer? I can’t even coast on being cute or funny when I’m ugly and no one gets my humor.( Is it really humor if no one else laughs?)
Today’s task turning into a disaster I don’t know how to fix was like a final nail in the coffin any sense of self respect, pride, and hope that I had. If I couldn’t do this, not a simple job of fitting some beams, drilling some holes, and pounding some nails…..
I dunno. As a little girl I was good at everything I tried. Now I’m good at nothing at all….not even sleep obviously! LOL
** “It’s in my head!” **He’d mime reaching into his head and throwing it at yours** “If I could just get you to see!!!” And then I’d sigh and find the words for it since I could see it too.
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vulpeskorsak · 1 year
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Day 11 of Whumptober 2022: I hope my incompetence does not kill you
Day 11 of Whumptober 2022!
No. 11 “911, WHAT’S YOUR EMERGENCY?”
Sloppy Bandages | Self-Done First Aid | Makeshift Splint
Timeline-wise my current shorts go: Day 2 -> Day 5 ->Day 1 -> Day 3 -> Day 7 -> Day 8 -> Day 6 -> Day 11 Day 4 and 9 do not happen in the same AU where Ludwig exists. Day 10 is a modern AU.
Victor is my human fleshsmith inventor (KibblesTasty Homebrew class) from a long-running DnD adventure. Ludwig Richter is a tiefling and a former gravedigger turned archeologist who wields a rifle and a battle shovel named Charon that I play in a TTRPG.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/42371799 (AO3 link)
I hope my incompetence does not kill you
Ludwig takes a deep breath before going back to the task. He hopes what he is doing is enough. Medicine is nowhere near his field of expertise at all. It has been ages since he was this terrified.
He can't find a perfectly straight branch so this will have to do. At least it's thick enough.
He carefully places it on top of Victor's arm and begins to wrap a rope around it and the arm. He really hopes his arm is not actually broken but he definitely heard a crack from that part of the body when Victor fell… Maybe it was a rib or something? Victor's arms are his everything. He has no idea how Victor would react but the two times he has seen Victor visibly upset were quite upsetting for him as well due to Victor's usual jovial appearance.
He is unsure if using a rope is a good idea but he has used up all the bandages Victor had on him to dress the wounds on his torso and legs. That bloody bird got him pretty good. Ludwig's only option was to shoot it down so it would stop tearing Victor up right in the air… He is sure Victor will forgive him. He is a rational man and they tend to agree on things like that… He is pretty sure he could have made a thinner layer but better safe than sorry.
When he is done with the arm, he examines Victor's unconscious body once more. There does not seem to be much else that needs attention. But he is still completely out.
Ludwig carefully presses his ear to Victor's bare chest, thankfully the left side does not have any bandages that might dampen the sound. To his relief, the heartbeat seems to be normal.
He looks up at the doctor's still pale face. Without his usual smile. If he didn't know better he might have thought him dead.
"Can you hear me, Victor?" He says softly hoping that maybe the sound will stir him. "I'm sorry. I can't do better."
They are safe now. But Ludwig does not know for how long.
Following an odd urge he brings his left arm up and carefully places his hand on Victor's cheek.
"I really hope I didn't fuck this up. But you're one of the toughest people I know. You should be okay."
Ludwig strokes his cheek gently, tracing the jawline with his middle finger.
He is annoyed with himself for allowing himself this odd act of… whatever this is.
"I wish I knew what else I can do to help you…" A stupid thought crosses Ludwig's mind making him chuckle. "You'd get a kick out of this."
He leans down slowly and stops for a second hesitating at how useless and stupid this act is but then continues anyway, placing a soft kiss of Victor's forehead.
He shudders when an expected sarcastic "Aww" does not come. So he tries again, kissing him on the left cheek. Then right.
"Gods, this is ridiculous. Why am I doing this?" The man grumbles.
He thinks for a second and blushes deeply. He has never been good at feelings but who would have thought he is this horrible. He leans down one last time to place a long tender kiss on his partner's lips.
"Because I love you and I want you back." Ludwig whispers as his tail curls around his waist in embracement praying to all gods that Victor does not actually wake up right this second.
To his distress his prayers are seemingly answered and Victor does not return to consciousness until a few hours later.
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goobergoeslive · 2 years
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HeatherBlogging Part 10
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I do think it’s extremely shitty of Veronica to take advantage of the overall sentiments of aggressive homophobia at the time, even if it’s to pull what she thinks is just a prank.
But I do enjoy that Veronica is a flawed protagonist; she does deeply irresponsible things, sells out her old friends and puts down other people for the sake of popularity, and sometimes believes she is smarter or more in control of a situation than she really is (leading to some of the aformentioned irresponsibility).
It’s true that the joke about what they bring in the bag takes some pot-shots against gay dudes, but I personally don’t think it’s anything too mean or too tasteless. However, despite being pretty gay myself, I am not a gay man, and I’m in no way an authority on how anyone should or shouldn’t feel about these jokes.
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Another cute outfit, and this one is a bit more iconic! It’s the outfit that Veronica is commonly shown wearing in the movie posters.
By this point, it should be no surprise that the bullets are indeed real, and that JD shoots dead. And Veronica did genuinely think that they were fake: at first she starts to laugh when the other guy escapes, and is pretty content with letting him go, since it was enough to just see the look on his face when she pulled out the gun, but then JD berates her for missing the shot and goes after him. And slowly it begins to dawn on her that her classmate is indeed dead. From her facial expressions to her body language, she seems deeply perturbed.
For the first time, I wondered why JD didn’t just shoot Ram in the back during the chase scene, but then I realized that he probably wanted him to be shot near Kurt, so they wouldn’t have to drag the body to the spot to construct the suicide scenario afterwards. A more sinister interpretation is that JD willingly led him back there, so Veronica would get another chance at taking a killing shot (which she does), though I’m pretty sure JD would have ended up shooting him anyway, even if Veronica hesitated.
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Another thing I’ve wondered during my earlier viewings is why didn’t Veronica just try calling the cops near the end of the movie, beside “for plot reasons”. It made sense earlier on, since she would have brought attention to herself, and her crimes could have more easily come to light, but at the movie’s climax, when there is a lot more at stake, it wouldn’t seem unbelievable for her to take that risk. And I think the answer is right here in this scene: the cops are complete and utterly incompetent. The first and only time we see the police in the movie, they are two guys smoking pot in their patrol car, who only go to investigate after hearing the second shot. They sloppily arrive at the scene, one of them dropping his baton on the way, and while one of them goes to investigate some noise, the other is employing some stellar police work, by picking up one of the murder’s guns with a stick, only to immediately hold it with his bare hands. And though these are played as jokes, I think they are also indications that, even if Veronica had called the police, she probably wouldn’t have gotten much help.
Having the officers being more disturbed that Kurt and Ram might have been gay rather than finding that they commited double suicide is another one of those moments that almost isn’t funny due to how accurate it is.
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I think one thing that I tend to forget during my later viewing is how deeply JD made my skin crawl during my first watch. I kind of “got used” to his bullshit, but the truth is that he isn’t any less of a human rodent now than he was before. I don’t have to tell you how fucked it is that he used Veronica’s self-inflected burn with the car’s ligther to light his own cigarrete, but him insisting that Veronica really wanted to shoot Ram and Kurt, and it’s just that she doesn’t want to admit how “gross and icky” those feelings are, is I think actual gaslighting. If you pay attention to the previous scene, and even the scene before Chandeler gets poisoned, I think it’s abundantly clear that Veronica didn’t genuinely intend to kill anyone..
Veronica doesn’t immediately dump him, though. She’s clearly downtrodden and unhappy, but I think she is still hanging on to a sliver that it may be worth it to keep being with JD.
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This actually brings up an unfortunate but accurate point: if Kurt and Ram were indeed gay, and they had come out while still alive, would their families still say they loved them and were proud of them?
And Veronica thinks that JD’s remark is pretty funny, but then sees a young crying girl staring at her, who I think is supposed to be part of one of the deceased’s family.
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It’s kind of a cheap moment, but it does show that, putting aside the people who were, you know, actually killed, this situation hurts other people as well. It can be easy to forget because of the whole media circus, but all these deaths do lead to more misery, and Veronica begins to realize that just letting things go as they are won’t lead to any good, not only for others, but also for herself.
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coldcasescenario · 8 months
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journal entry 07/12/23
You said to call next time. I kept thinking that I didn’t want to put my burdens on you. I went back and forth about it for a while. I mean, gosh, you’ve already done enough for me and you certainly don’t deserve to deal with the results of my idiocy. But then I thought about what I use for my own personal motivation, that you can’t win the lottery if you don’t even buy a ticket; and that you can’t fix your problems if you don’t even look at them. And as much as my cowardly instinct is to never reach out and just run away from my problems, saving them for another day, the more I keep running, the larger the shadow behind me grows. Sometimes I need to learn to bite the bullet and do the things I’m afraid of, like facing my problems head on, accepting the blame, and figuring out how to fix them. But all I ever fucking do is complain. I whine and complain that the world is cruel and unfair, even though I’ve caused all of my problems myself. I honestly don’t know how I am so incompetent with so many things, but very competent at continuing to keep making things worse and worse, every time I think it’s the worse it can get, and I think “oh this is rock bottom it can only go up from here”, I somehow manage to make it even worse. You think I’d get it through my thick head that my habits are unsustainable and that I’ll keep fucking everything up, but alas I never learn. So now I’ve led myself to a situation where I might actually become homeless, which means I’ll need someone to look after my cats, which means, what the fuck do I do because I literally cannot survive without them. And I’ve let my friends down, and I’m unreliable, and you might be the only person who is proud of me, but if I listed all the shitty things I’ve done, and how I’ve never learned from them, I’m just not sure how proud of me you’d still be. I don’t want to die, and I certainly don’t want my cats to have to live without me, but I don’t know what to do at this point. How did I get to age 23 and screw things up so badly. I can’t even talk to my fucking therapist because she doesn’t take my insurance anymore, and I already paid out of pocket for the past 6 months but can’t do that anymore, but also by the end of the day I might not even have insurance anymore so it wouldn’t really make a difference. And won’t that be fun?? It’s tough cause if I do what I know I need to do to start fresh, things will be really really really awful for a while, but eventually get much better. But if I just keep on going like this they’ll keep sucking at this rate indefinitely, and the main thing bringing me down will always remain. What would you choose? Ripping the bandaid off leaving a gaping open wound that you can treat for infection, or letting the bandaid stay and cover up the ick so you don’t have to deal with it for awhile? Both unappealing, different types of pain—sharp, searing, and momentous, versus deep aching sores picking at you internally causing constant discomfort…wouldn’t it be swell if art could provide income. But has it ever been that way? Money is the only way to get money. And pain is the only way to heal I guess. At a standstill. Waiting for the right sign. I’m not giving up on this life, but I sure am not feeling all too excited about it.
It’s funny how someone can want things to get better but we have to pay to exist. And we wonder why the suicide rates are so high, when you need to pay thousands of dollars insurance or out of pocket to get help. Even medically, if you get hurt, you’ll be in debt for the rest of your life. Chock it all up to capitalism? Or just take the damn blame and realize how fucked up we are. Not just as a society, but as individuals. You walked around Syracuse crying all day and no one said anything or asked if you were okay. Homeless people die on the streets of NY everyday and no one bats an eye. Why do we bother? I like to think it’s because there is good in humanity, but it’s just so rare that although its singularity makes it all the more special that it leaves an impact on whoever is touched by it, the rarity means the chances of getting touched by it are so small, and you may go through your whole life or die before you’re given the chance to experience it. I guess I got a taste of it from having people tolerate me, support me, and care for me. But the rarity from that one stranger who COULD save your life reaching out is unparalleled. They dont know you, and yet they think you’re worth it. I only ever had rico like that. He was always there when people weren’t. And Friday I’ll be picking up my passport and likely saying goodbye to him. Not because I want to, not because he’s going anywhere, but because he’s the sacrifice I need to make to create a better life for myself. How do you know when and what to sacrifice? How do you know it’s the right choice? I suppose we NEVER truly know when we’ve made the right choice. We just hope that eventually we find happiness and see it in others. But if we don’t, do we blame it on having made the wrong choice? Or do we place fault on all the other factors out of our control that the universal decided should play a role. What good is slitting your wrists if nothing changes? And what good is reaching out for help if you can’t afford it. I want there to be a good, I want there to be a reason, I just don’t see it.
Oh go ahead world, call me antisocial. Call me psychotic. Maybe I am. But you can’t put me in a mental hospital if there’s no one to pay the bills. And that’s how our mentally ill end up on the streets isn’t it?
We learn in school that Hinduism casts aside its untouchables to live on the streets, poor for their whole lives, unable to move up the ladder. We say how shocking that part of their culture is, how inhumane, how we couldn’t believe people could turn a blind eye. But how are we literally any different? If you voice your concerns too much, you’re an attention whore, pick me girl, or narcissist. If you don’t voice your concerns enough, you’re too lazy to get better, unmotivated, and unwilling to heal. To seek out a professional you need to be rich enough and motivated enough—and stable enough to attend your sessions. And have a method of transportation to get there, or have a computer AND wifi and a place to sit for online sessions. do you see how we have gentrified ourselves? We have divided ourselves into categories—and those without the financial stability to save themselves from their own humanity end up being cast aside, while those with money can treat their problems and go on to make more money.
But then there’s the issue of making money. You’re only allowed to make money in certain ways. Some ways are illegal, many are frowned upon, and the rest render you subject to the worlds judgment, and being placed in a box of stereotypes for the rest of your life. Which will you choose? Who are you truly versus who others will see you as? Are you ever equally both? Does anyone’s perception of you equate to your own perception of yourself?
Sometimes I want to talk to Van Gogh, or moonbin, or Jonghyun. Someone so pained that in their lives they were never appreciated, their art was never understood. Always an untouchable. Only after they died did their legacy bloom. And maybe that’s what drives the suicidal. The instant bone crush as the catalyst for their legacy to begin. But will they ever see it? And if their legacy never measures up to the drive that lead them into the dark, will they still have done it? Will the lack of pain have been enough? No, cause they can’t feel the lack of pain. So again, it’s useless. I don’t want everything to be useless. I mean how messed up do you have to be to think even suicide won’t end your pain. Life isn’t useless for everyone, but for those who are astray, they may never find its use, and they’ll stay in the dark where others long to be.
I don’t want to be in the dark. I don’t want to be like Van Gogh, or Moonbin, or Jonghyun. I want a legacy, sure, but I want to see my art be appreciated. I want to spread all the love and goodness that I have to others. Sometimes days just take their tolls on us, and we need others. Sometimes those days turn into weeks or months. Things might get better on their own, but what kind of perserverence let’s life take control of them?
I hope my struggles will turn into more motivation. More music. More love. More sharing joy. I hope they’ll make me a better person. I just need some help in not repeating the same mistakes.
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Way Too Much About Diving From a Stage
I rambled a little in this one, but I kept having more to say. For this reason, it probably needs an edit.
Every time I see a person hurl their body off of a stage into a crowd of people, I am amazed and impressed. I will trust in crazy feats of human engineering; roller coasters, zip lines, even traveling carnival rides that are literally put up overnight. Apparently I just don't trust that actual humans could or would catch me.
Realistically, humans have not always been very trustworthy. They can be fickle, spiteful, unpredictable, violent, irrational, and incompetent. Not to mention the physical strength and coordination required to catch a hurling body from whatever distance at whatever velocity. I would think that timing might also be important. There are so many variables!
Has anyone tried to get even a small group of people on the same page in ANY situation? I have, it was hard. I wasn't good at it. It didn't work more often than it did. This is why I am never again in charge of extended family gatherings (they probably don't know it yet). I can't get my immediate family, or even just my household, to agree on a meal. And we supposedly love each other!
Having said that, am I actually supposed to put my brain and my vulnerable body in the hands of a group of unaccountable strangers? I don't know about that. I have seen "The Accused". I know how well it went for Jodie Foster's character. Who is actually accountable in a crowd of strangers? People will do things in crowds that they would never do as individuals. This has been demonstrated time and time again throughout 'actual' history.
When I try to envision ME stage diving, I see 2 scenarios playing out. First, me leaping from the stage and the crowd parting like the Red Sea (aka face plant/ concussion). Second, I end up stripped naked, crowd surfing with no idea who has taken my clothes or where to find them. This scenario ends with me wrapped in a silver blanket speaking with a crisis intervention specialist. Neither outcome is desirable.
I trust me. That is mostly all. I don't like it, but it is. If you are not me, which you are not, I can have a percentage of trust in you. There are maybe 3 people I trust up to 85%...and they're "lifers". That is about as high as it has gotten so far.
If I were asked to stage dive, I would kindly reply, "Stage dive? I can't even trust fall" (which is a fact).
I do honestly love watching other brave people doing it. I am always happy to see people having fun doing things I am too afraid to do. Each time I see someone succeed without being stripped or concussed it makes me smile. It gives me hope for the future.
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