#and even in quarantine i would just Exist and Cry bc i was just so lonely

[motelpearl]

star trek: picard spoilers /

I'm gonna keep updating this with my thoughts (making threads is one thing I kinda miss about twitter so this will have to do)

somehow troi & riker having a weird horse girl daughter makes perfect sense like she does so much of the stuff I did at that age (making up fake countries & languages, drawing really well for her age, running around in the bush with an archery toy)

when riker showed up at the end of season one LORD JESUS I COULDVE KISSED THE SCREEN

also elnor is my son I love him. AND FUCK Q

omfg I know the modern day is near-dystopian but seeing 2024 earth not only referenced but actually depicted so starkly in comparison to the near-utopian future in star trek is so fucking bleak like UGH CAN THE FUCKING VULCANS COME TEACH US SPACE COMMUNISM ALREADY. WHERE THE REPLICATION TECHNOLOGY AT

the rick & Morty reference DID NOT AGE WELL IN MANY WAYS UGH IM GENERALLY ENJOYING THIS SHOW BUT SOME OF THE WRITING IS SO REDDIT

I hate to say it but agnes & the borg queen are the most toxic yuri in the known universe

speaking of toxic yuri I knew nothing about seven of nine going into this cause I havent watched ds9 but I fucking love her like if she & raffi ever need a third......tsahaha

ALSO WHY IS CHRIS SO DUMB IN THE 2ND SEASON. YOU WILL NEVER FUCK.

THE WAY THE 2ND SEASON RETCONS TIMES ARROW FROM TNG & THAT EPISODE IN TNG WHERE PICARD SEES A VISION OF HIS MOM & SHES OLD AS FUCK & HAS GREY HAIR & A FRENCH ACCENT BOTHERS ME GREATLY. NOT TO BE THAT KIND OF NERD OR ANYTHING.

ok nevermind him having visions of her as an old lady is explained.....except the french accent

was data the only soong who wasnt a total dickhead

"sweet picard, your guilt must've saved planets by now, countless lives in trade for the one you couldn't" SCREAMS OF AGONY

romulan with red bloodshot eyes....RED?

QCARD DIVORCE ANNULMENT 🥳🥳

ok I guess chris DID fuck sorry I wasnt familiar with his game

wow I can't believe I watched the entirety if season 2 in one night tbh everything I've heard about this show from people whose opinions i generally trust has been that its (and I quote) "laughably bad" & like ruined all of TNG for them & I was honestly scared it would ruin it for me too cause tbh I became a trekkie when i was 9/10 & a lot of bad things were going on in my life at that point & star trek was one thing that always gave me happiness & then later I got into it again during like the deep quarantine where no one was leaving their houses at all & just about everyone around me got radicalized into racist far-right fearmongering qanon shit but the idea that someday humans will be able & intelligent enough not only to put aside our own differences but to be able to befriend alien species & those aliens being willing to help humanity at one of its lowest points & someday even if it doesnt happen in my own lifetime, that people can exist who genuinely care about the needs of many & actively work to better the lives of people throughout the universe instead of just giving in to individualism & cynicism & irony poisoning which is such an easy trap to fall into gave me so much hope for humanity like yall I'm literally getting choked up typing this & I never cry & I was kind of worried that this show would stomp on everything i loved about star trek but thankfully it hasnt so far (though to be fair I like a lot of objectively bad things I mean my favourite decade of fashion is the 70s so maybe this is just jingling the metaphorical keys at me)

CRUSHERRRRRR SEASON 3 COMING OUT THE GATES SWINGING (no pun intended but im not changing it now)

ENOUGH NEEDLE DROPS I HATE TO SAY IT BUT ITS GIVING STRANGER THINGS/THE MARIO MOVIE (THOUGH IN A SLIGHTLY LESS CRINGY NOSTALGIA BAIT WAY LIKE AT LEAST THIS ISN'T USING TOP 40 SHIT FROM THE 80S) & at least it's mostly non-diegetic bc I feel like diegetic music has more of a chance of being used tastelessly

british accent is stored in the balls

its gotta be worf or at least some klingon giving raffi orders right....who else would call someone a warrior

NOOOOO THE DE-AGING CGI OR WHATEVER IN S3 E3 ITS SO UNCANNY VALLEY it was surprisingly pretty good on data in s1 & q in s2 though......where did the budget go

why is old man worf kinda *starts coughing*

amanda plummer is so terrifying in every role I've seen her in like even in catching fire when she was a protagonist

also why do so many people victim blame picard for being assimilated by the borg it's not like he wanted to get assimilated & become the face of a massacre. the whole motto of the borg is "resistance is futile" like there was literally nothing he couldve done to prevent it

jack better prove himself QUICKLY cause other than his parentage I don't see anything that would inspire me to fight for his life

& then cthulu was born

goddamn the changelings make the borg look like a bunch of peace & love flower children. on that note on that note if picard assimilated beverly's reproductive system with some fucked up latent borg sperm i will be disappointed but not surprised cause what is up with jack's crazyass visions

BLESS RO BLESS WORF BLESS RAFFI

if I weren't worried I might miss something important I'd skip all the scenes where jack monologues about benign shit for no reason BOOOO GET OFF THE STAGE

JUMPIN JIMINY

WHY IS THIS LITERALLY A HORROR MOVIE honestly the concept of beings that can make themselves look & sound human has always been one of the things that scare me the most which is weird because all my life I've been compared to robots & aliens WHICH IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I LIKED STAR TREK SO MUCH IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE I RELATED SO MUCH TO DATA so in theory I shouldnt be afraid of that because I'm in the same predicament & I can relate in many ways but I mean idk I guess theres a difference between feeling excluded & wanting to be the ones who exclude. my fear probably comes more from the idea of unwillingly walking into a trap thinking someone you trust was going to help you & then having to wonder "what happened to the real person?"

what I meant by that long ramble is: the tuvok scene........*shudders*

would it be for for best if the borg carried out one last forceful assimilation of the changelings......could they be trusted with that capability......*strokes chin pensively*

THEYRE DOING/WILL DO THE PICARD MANEUVER IM CALLING IT NOW ok wait heres my theory they do the picard maneuver -> it looks like theres another ship but it's just like a warp imprint or whatever -> vadic tries to beam aboard the fake ship & actually beams herself into space -> the main crew beam aboard the shrike & save riker & troi & possibly take the portal weapon -> beam back to the real ship & blow the shrike up while all the crew panic cause they just watched vadic explode in space

well.

BIG DADDY WORF COME TO LAY THE SMACK DOWN GOD BLESS GOD FUCKING BLESS BRUH IMAGINE YOUR FRIEND COMES TO BREAK YOU OUT OF DEATH ROW & IMMEDIATELY STARTS FLIRTING WITH YOUR WIFE IM FUCKING DEAD

GET DATA ON THE PHONE CAN THEY NOT DELETE LORE'S WHOLE FILES LIKE WHAT CAN HE POSSIBLY CONTRIBUTE TO ADVANCEMENT OF SOCIETY

nooooo data don't misgender spot

OOOOOOOH THEY ALMOST HAD ME THERE

THEY DID BLAST THEM INTO SPACE I WAS PARTIALLY RIGHT YEEEEEEHAW

wait. are the red door & the red lady the same thing

BORG PENIS I CALLED IT

what happened to the borg using their power for good....get agnes on the phone....

hooh I knew it was coming but....enterprise d my beloved

last episode prediction: picard will have to become locutus one last time to defeat the borg & whoever else

yknow right now would be a real great time for some q or some travellers/watchers to show up & do their thing. also imagine the insane drama of wesley crusher coming to talk his long lost brother out of becoming a fascist alien king

on that note i cant decide whether assimilation is a metaphor for fascism, addiction, sexual assault, stds, something else I haven't considered, or is just a wild crazy non-allegorical concept of the kinds of things that might exist in space

JUPITER IS NOT CLASS M

one thing that keeps catching me off guard & then making me laugh is how patrick stewart's high rp shakespearean accent has slightly waned over the years so I'll sometimes be like "why did picard sound like paul mccartney there" & then I remember that patrick stewart is actually northern (yes yes i know yorkshire & liverpool are two different places but the uk is so minuscule by canadian standards that they might as well be the same and no one outside the uk can tell the difference between the accents so dont lecture me) <- yes unfortunately I'm the laziest kind of linguistics nerd as well I'm honestly just exposing myself as annoying in this post

let me guess jack is the beacon & they have to kill him

did they clone locutus

GOD I FUCKING LOVE DATA

I love troi too like when the writing gives her a chance to be shes literally so smart & so aware & in tune with everything like she's such an asset to the crew but it's rare we get to see that in action

I'm getting too good at predicting things

well now that I've finished it I can say I really dont know why I saw so much hate for it like maybe I've just operated in weird spaces of the internet but I mean I really dont see what there is to outright hate about it (I mean early on some of the characters felt very stilted like agnes in the first season was just yapping & was giving millenial cringe to the highest degree but I think by the 2nd season she redeemed herself but then was that even canon considering the 3rd season? idk I definitely have criticisms but I wouldn't call it "laughably bad" & it definitely hasnt forever ruined my view of star trek thank god)

sigh I just love these characters yall. if that's key jingling then put my ass in the crib

also I'm just going through all the seasons of tng & watching my favorite episodes & some random ones & it makes me laugh so hard when they show picard wearing anything other than his uniform cause he's always just in the sluttiest outfits ever 😭 they had patrick stewart running around in a v-neck & booty shorts

gah the best of both worlds part 1 & 2 + family work so well as like a trilogy but they're also such heartbreaking episodes like borg assimilation is one of those things that just becomes increasingly unrelentingly more & more horrifying the more you think about it & the scenario of those episodes would literally be so terrifying for anyone involved like beverly seeing the guy she's sort of in love with become the face of this genocidal fascist species but then her son is on board the enterprise & just watched his mom be sent on an away team where it was possible she might not come back or worse & also wesley having to see picard be the face of the borg & probably feeling like he just lost another father figure & like it would literally have no good outcomes for anyone cause even the borg don't want to be borg but it was forced upon them

on that note I kind of have a headcanon that the borg would have originated from like, a super technologically advanced planet's military putting cybernetic implants in all their soldiers for efficiency so they could have a hive mind & think as one & coordinate seamlessly & always be up to date on what other sectors of the military were doing & then deciding that instead of killing their enemies, they would forcibly conscript them into the military by assimilating them & by doing this they eventually took over whichever planet they originated on. eventually this wasn't enough for them so they started traveling the universe & assimilating whole planets & that's how it came to the point we see in tng & beyond

sigh they really wrote the episode hero worship for all us little weird kids who connected to data didnt they

if they really wanted to give geordi a romance with someone they couldve tried to put him with ro laren bc their dynamic in the next phase was so cute like his outgoing-ness + her aloofness & how he sort of brought her out of her shell in that episode UGH walk with me. or they couldve just made him gay which they were apparently considering but decided against? idk but I mean the man literally orders an ice coffee in the same episode where he falls in love with a girl just by watching her vlogs. how did they preemptively stereotype him before the stereotype of gay people loving ice coffee even existed (I jest) but like ugh ANYTHING EXCEPT THE PARASOCIAL INCEL SHIT THEY ALWAYS PUT HIM INTO & THEN IN THE VERY LAST EPISODE THEY SAY HE'S MARRIED TO LEAH BRAHMS LIKE NO. PLEASE. JUSTICE FOR GEORDI. END THE CHARACTER ASSASSINATION. but the future in that episode isnt even canon & thankfully in picard they never outright say who he had kids with so like in my mind they are not the product of reply-guy-ification but a normal relationship (also justice for leah brahms & whoever she was married to.) idk why i even feel so strongly about this. I guess maybe because geordi is otherwise such a good character & the very concept of him is so ahead of its time & obviously characters need to have flaws but did it have to be Those kinds of flaws specifically </3

also cardassians should not have hair idc I know people think bald aliens are too cliche but what business do reptilians have with hair how would that even evolve

#motelpearl #long post / #star trek

[nuagederose]

“and wherever you've gone,  and wherever we might go,  it don't seem fair. today just disappeared:  your light’s reflected now,  reflected from afar. we were but stones:  your light made us stars.”

after all this time, i still remember her birthday: september 21.

i haven’t seen her since late 2002–i tried to call her the summer after we moved away from carson city but the person on the other end said the number didn’t exist anymore. i’ve also wondered if she would even want to talk to me, given she moved away shortly after we did.

every so often i’ll think about her, how she’s doing; i thought about her constantly during quarantine. it kind of scares me to think what she looks and sounds like now as her child self is forever burned in my memory.

she came from a very christian, conservative family and i was the dirt-poor scrappy rebellious little rascal from the wrong side of the tracks, and yet we were thick as thieves, as they say; funny to think about this bc her parents loved me (her older brothers not so much, but her mom and dad were both so kind to me). her paternal grandparents hailed from the former austria-hungary and her maternal grandparents from the former czechoslovakia (and i thought my heritage was nuts).

i was into dinosaurs and she into horses, but we overlapped, and to this day, i feel every girl should be into both. we loved earth science—geology especially—and we planned to attend school and go into business together. obviously it never happened but it was our dream. 

i showed her my quiet place, a spot in the trees i went to just to cry.

we were artists, too: we wanted art to be in our lives forever and in fact, it was recently i learned she played an important role in the creation story of my cartoons: aside from my being the new girl with alcoholic parents, i started making them because i missed her.

she gave me that ceramic figurine of mickey mouse for christmas 1998: i keep it in my purse next to my pocketknife.

i love you, elizabeth. i hope wherever you are now, all is well. 💜

#childhood friends #childhood best friends #drawing #drawings #ipad drawing #drawn on my ipad #digital art #digital drawing #green #artists on tumblr #badgalnirvhannahart

[star-puff]

sometimes when i Feel Like It i go through all the reblog tags & comments my fics have gotten & i read them & i cry

#LMFAOFJSKFK bye can u tell its that time of the month #im very emotional lately idk what it is 🥲🥲 #but also ive gained so many more followers in just a week?? #idk i think thats really crazy #like i Never would have that i would have ever gotten here and feel so comfortable writing . #never ever #idk ill save my sappy speech if i ever reach 1k #which idk ill be okay if i do or dont #bc i literally love everyone at my blog they're so so uber sweet it makes me cry #like anons & mutuals alike #like around this time i was having Such a rough time with school & life & literally everything and i rmb i would just go home from school #and just immediately nap bc i just wanted to disappear & i would legitimately break down into tears if i didnt get that escape at least #once a day #and even in quarantine i would just Exist and Cry bc i was just so lonely #and even if this blog is just me screaming into the void at least it gives me a place to scream Into yk? #idk ive been a lot happier ever since i made this blog and made friends here and started to hone my writing #even if is writing abt fictional men #even if its* #so yeah if u made it through that ramble to the end i just want to say im very grateful for everyone here :') #& uve done a lot for me even if u don't know it :)) #meg rambles

[calamity-queen]

You know your depressive episode is bad when you start singing the lyrics to Dust and Ashes :   )

#I'm not okay #I cant handle this fucking quarantine anymore #I need to see my friends #I need to go to school #i fucking hate myself #also did a bad thing : )) #it felt good when I did it #now my arms hurt #im sure you can guess what it is :)))) #I don't want to be on this plane of existence anymore #kinning is when you heavily relate to a character right? #well in that case I kin pierre bezukhov #Dust and Ashes just hits different when youre crying #bc youre the family failure and no one will ever be proud of you #why did I even think I would get into college #im so stupid #I don't deserve to live #alright alright ive had my time #close my eyes let the death bells chime #bury me in burgundy I just don't care #nothing's left I've looked everywhere #this is how I die #blair.exe speaks

[wannaliveattheholidayinn]

Ok, But Seriously, I Have Thoughts

I have... really mixed feelings about this episode, so I'm gonna talk about those feelings. And if my feelings about zep as a show and this season come out during that... so be it. (Seriously, this got long. I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry). Also spoilers for the new ep below the cut, but y'all should've been able to guess that

- I... Zimon seriously deserves just so much better. We saw them as a couple together for three episodes, and they honestly weren't explored enough. Zimon... and this is a very personal opinion, but they really do strike me as a couple who never fully leave the honeymoon phase... like ever. Like, of course, they'll fight and disagree on a lot of things, but they also can have adult children, and just kind of act like newlyweds even if they've been married for over twenty years. And again, I know that's a very personal opinion, but I mean... we all knew c/arkeman was gonna be endgame, and it just feels like zimon was never given an actual chance.

- However, I do very much appreciate that their breakup was not messy, there's still clearly a ton of respect for the other on both of their sides, and that Simon is okay.

- "We didn't belong together." No, you fucking did.

- I am not going to stop writing Zimon fanfic either. In fact, this might spur me to write more and work harder on writing Zimon fanfic.

- Rose. Fucking. Deserves. Better. I'm not even gonna elaborate on this one. We all know it.

- Despite the fact that I fucking hate c/arkeman and that it was very, very rushed... I'm giving acting and singing props to Jane. I Melt With You is a song that's extremely personal to me. It helped get me through a point in my life where... I was constantly feeling at war with others, myself, and even felt unsafe in my own home (something I still feel today, no matter how irrational I know it is). I just generally feel a strong connection to every version of the song bc of that, whether it's the original or the Bowling for Soup cover (that was in Sky High!), and... Jane just has a way of making me feel safe when she sings. So, I really, really loved her cover.

- Um... yeah, I'm gonna be real, I don't like the idea of Max having powers. I don't know, I just think it kinda changes the whole original concept of the show, and I'm not a big fan of that...

- Simon! Simon working on changing SPRQ Point!!!!

- I do not really like how they handled Simon's racial bias/systemic racism in coding storyline *after* episode six (aka it only really being mentioned in passing, not being further explored, etc.), but,,, credits due where it's due I guess? I like how they handled him going to Danny Michael Davis, and how DMD listened.

- Sidenote, I kinda find it weird we as a fandom don't refer to him as Danny... it's Danny Michael Davis, DMD, or fucking Willy Wonka jokes. Makes sense I guess.

- Um... the writing was just... so lazy. Yeah. It's... really sad, I think that the show would've benefitted from even one less ep. But on the other hand... lazy writing is lazy writing.

- I think it would've been better - honestly - if Zoey's feelings of loss hadn't been connected to Max in a romantic way, but in a platonic/familial way. We didn't see a ton of their friendship, and yeah,, I hate Max, but there are a few moments there where you can see a legitimate friendship that's really sweet. I also think if they had maybe explored Zoey's fear of losing Simon as well as Max and centered the finale more on Zoey telling Simon about her power, it would've just been a lot better.

- But... honestly, after I just aired out all my issues with this episode (and the season too kinda),,, I honestly liked it. I hate that Zimon broke up and I just generally hate cl*arkeman but... this ep had some really great moments. Zoey and Mitch were beautiful to see again. Mctobin, Davidemily, and Mo x Perry were all absolutely my favorite parts of the episode. Hell, I'll even admit I... well I don't wanna say laughed considering I was so close to crying, but I let out a weird, breathy noise resembling a laugh when Zoey just blurted out she and Simon had broken up.

I don't want to say it was a bad episode, because I did honestly, enjoy ~parts~ of it... but... it wasn't even that cl/arkeman happened, I knew it would, but how it did... it just honestly (my g.od i need to stop writing that word) seemed like they were trying to kill off or like... fucking quash *any* hope Zimon shippers may have had,,, and the writing was just so fucking lazy, I just...

I started the show after dance one night because my teacher showed us the Help! number bc he was an extra in it. And I had already been intrigued by the few ads I had seen for it. So, my mom and I watched it, and we loved it. So we kept watching. And it was good! It was really good! Sure it could be cheesy, but... that didn't matter. I latched on...

I don't know if, ZEP is gonna get renewed, and if it is, I don't know if I'll watch it if/when it does. I latch on to shows really fucking hard when I do latch on. It's why I keep rewatching The Good Place and why I'll never forgive Freeform/Disney/Marvel for canceling Cloak and Dagger. The way I latch onto things is probably a bit unhealthy. And the fact of the matter is, despite everything, my overwhelming feelings about ZEP are positive. And I latched on. I'd honestly do it all over again.

I have a lot of feelings about this fandom and this show, both positive and negative. Still, I love it. Unconditionally. Ultimately, I don't care if Zoey ends up with Max or Simon (though, seriously, she and Simon are made for each other). It's a good fucking show, ships shouldn't be everything that matters.

I began lurking in this fandom when I was fifteen. I began posting fanfic for it when I was sixteen. I'm almost seventeen now. I was planning to get Tumblr when I was seventeen. I also knew I wouldn't forgive myself if I hadn't made my presence here known if it didn't get renewed.

I want to thank @simon-haynes because, uh, holy fuck, I adore you. Running a blog for fandom is something I couldn't even fathom, especially when a large portion of the fandom doesn't like your ship. I legitimately can't believe you followed me.

Thank you to @jennakang. You are, honestly, one of the best writers I've ever read from. You were so incredibly supportive of my writing on ao3, despite the fact you didn't know who I was, and that really meant the world to me. Thank you so much for your contributions to the fandom. Also, uh, fun fact, I was the anon who, after you expressed the want to write the quarantined Zimon fic, sent in that ask that was like "please do!" and also "hope I'm not being pushy about this". I don't know if you remember that at all, but your response meant the world to me.

And uh, lastly @myheartissetinmotion. Um, wow. I know we barely know each other, but I can honestly say, you have been my anchor for this whole show. I love both your Tori content on TikTok as well as just zep content you do on there, and how you wrote her into zep on ao3. I personally like to think of you as the pioneer of Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist Tok. You were pretty unbiased when it came to ships on there, and that made me feel safe in a place where there were virtually no zimon shippers. Your content was funny, and I always found myself laughing or screaming "accurate" at it. I know, I'm the nuisance who every few months DMs you about something zep related, but I hope you know, you made me feel both seen and somewhat appreciated in this fandom. I cannot thank you enough, Isabella 💗

I know Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist may not be ending. But this still oddly feels like the end of an era. I'm not leaving the fandom, I plan to keep posting fanfic for it and everything. I just want everyone who may be reading this to know I love this fandom and I would not take any moment here back.

Also, this is me formally asking for a link to a Discord group chat since I know it exists but I'm too scared to actually ask any of you for it directly.

#zoey's extraordinary playlist #zep #zep spoilers #uh... #zep fandom #zep discourse i guess #zoey clarke #simon haynes #max richman #leif donnelly #tobin batra #mo zep #mckenzie zep #perry zep #david clarke #emily clarke #maggie clarke #mitch clarke #zoey x simon #zimon #mctobin #mo x perry #david x emily #anti zomax #jane levy

[unbridgeabledistances]

Prompt: About the 87% scene. Could you write about Mickey lying about having a "boyfriend" when he was in Mexico. And telling Ian that afterall he didn't have his whole Heart because of that "boyfriend". Ian realizing that the way he said those things weren'te the best. Then the confrontation, they talk about it and are cute with one another

anon i am CRYING mickey would 1000% do this!!! why did the writers not make this happen

(actually i’m glad they didn’t, bc these boys don’t need any more drama)

here’s my take (since we all need a little gallavich before the next episode!), hope u enjoy<3

--

“I guess everyone I’ve been with gets a little piece of my heart”

Mickey froze where he was standing, by the toilet bowl and the dust-covered bathroom shelves, and felt his heart sink. The fuck is he talking about?

“Wait, everyone?”

“Yeah. Yup.” Ian froze for a moment, his toothbrush hanging out of the corner of his mouth. “Okay, maybe not everybody. You don’t feel the same way?”

Mickey could almost wince. Fucking Gallagher—didn’t Ian know he was the only guy Mickey had really been with, because Ian was the only one that mattered? Instantly, Mickey thought back to all of the sloppy and excruciatingly boring hookups he’d had with women—back before he came out and was constantly putting on a show, was burying who he really was deep beneath the ground.

Ian looked at him earnestly, toothbrush still half in his mouth, with those steady green eyes Mickey could always get lost in—the only thing keeping Mickey afloat during those darker days, when he felt like everything else was pulling him under. Ian was the only person who had ever made Mickey’s heart race or his palms sweaty, the only fucking person who made Mickey feel like he was here for a reason, no matter what bullshit life threw at him. Ian was the center of Mickey’s existence, and he always had been—how could that asshole not realize that no one else Mickey’d been with could ever compare to him?

“No, I don’t. Y’know what, fuck you” is what Micket wanted to say—he felt the words about to launch off the tip of his tongue. Instead, before he knew what he was doing, Mickey lied.

“Uhhhhh. I guess, man. Y’know, I had that thing down in Mexico with, uh, Julio.” Mickey looked down at his bare feet on the tiled bathroom floor, knowing that Ian would see right through him if he looked directly in his eyes.

Ian’s eyebrows raised in genuine confusion as he leaned over the sink. “Julio? Who the fuck is Julio?” Ian sputtered as he spit out a mouthful of foamy toothpaste.

“Were you not listening, smartass? He was my… my lover. I was in Mexico a long time before I snitched on the cartel and threw my life away for your ass.”

Ian stood up and placed his toothbrush in a cup on the shelf above the sink, turning to look at Mickey, who finally raised his gaze from the linoleum. Ian didn’t look hurt, which was what Mickey was aiming for— more than anything, Ian just looked thoroughly confused, and maybe a little bit amused.

“You’ve never mentioned anything about some dude named Julio, Mick. Where’d you meet him?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Gallagher.”

Mickey stormed out of the bathroom, and turned the corner into their bedroom. It was this fucking quarantine, that was the problem—the same way that they were down each other’s throats when they were cramped together in a tiny jail cell. They were so used to the lack of each other that being together always seemed to make a mess of things. Ian didn’t actually mean that he had been in love with other people— right?

People annoyed Mickey, mostly— sex was sex, just another bland part of his bland life of doing runs for his dad, living in his fucked-up household, getting drunk with his brothers. And then one day, Ian came bursting through his door. Mickey would never forget that first time that he and Ian were together— in his opinion, that day probably permanently altered his brain chemistry or some shit. The day that he was laying in bed, woken up by a pale-faced angel whose chest was just as smooth and beautifully pale and freckled as the skin on his face and hands. And Mickey was also covered with skin, that was apparently covered with super-powered nerve endings that hadn’t done a goddamn thing his whole life, but came alive like ice and fire and bee stings as soon as Ian touched him. Wherever Ian touched him.

Sex was just sex to Mickey, for so long—but sex with Ian was on an entirely different plane of existence.

And the thought of Ian being like that with someone else, especially during that time when Mickey was locked up and there was a wall of plexiglass between them, a wall Mickey had put there himself when all he was doing was trying to protect Ian from Sammi’s bullshit; well, it made Mickey’s stomach churn.

Ian followed Mickey out of the bathroom and leaned on the doorframe of their bedroom, like he knew Mickey needed some space. “You and this Julio guy, you were like, together?”

Mickey kept his gaze downward as he put on a wrinkled shirt. “Hell yeah, man. We lived in a shack by the beach, fucked all day long. You don’t know everything about me, Gallagher.”

“I guess not.” Ian mused, still looking like he half didn’t believe Mickey. “So, uh. This Julio guy. You’re saying he has a piece of your heart?”

“Oh yeah, a big ol’ chunk of it. You aren’t special, Gallagher. In fact, he might have a bigger piece than you do, with all the fucking bickering we’ve been doing lately,” Mickey spat out as he pulled on his shoes.

Ian rolled his eyes, but sensing Mickey’s tension, he kept talking. “Mick, you know I didn’t mean it. You have the majority of my heart. The vast majority.”

Mickey scoffed, feeling more pissed off than ever. “Oh, yeah? How much is that, exactly?”

“I don’t know… 87%?”

Mickey looked at Ian, charging up for a fight. “Fuck you. That’s not enough.”

“It is enough, Mick. I’ve been with so many people I can barely remember their names. You know what it was like at the club. That’s 87% for you, and 13% for every other meaningful connection I’ve ever had in the years we were apart—that seems pretty stacked to me.”

“Yeah, well, joke’s on you, motherfucker, because you don’t even have that much of my heart, anyways. In fact, maybe I’ll go back down to fucking Mexico and see if Julio’s still around.”

Ian rolled his eyes. “Mick, calm down. You don’t mean that.”

“I do, asshole. Excuse me for thinking I had your whole heart, instead of pissing away 13% of it while I was locked behind bars and tattooing your fucking name onto my chest.” Mickey turned to where Ian was blocking the doorway. “You gonna let me through?”

Ian sighed, gently putting a hand up to Mickey’s chest to stop him from barreling past into the hallway. “Okay, listen, all that shit came out wrong. You know you’re the only one that matters.”

Mickey looked at Ian’s hand on his chest, then looked up and to meet Ian’s gaze. “Do I?” he said, in a softer voice than he realized.

Ian smirked, and let his arms glide up Mickey’s chest and around his shoulders, locking him in close. “Hey. Of course you are. You’re the only one I ever wanted to be with forever.”

“Fuck you,” Mickey said earnestly, but he didn’t try to shake himself from Ian’s grasp.

Ian let his hands roam up to cradle the back of Mickey’s head in his hands, making sure he had Mickey’s undivided attention. “Listen. All those people, like Ned or Kash or whoever, they were all an important part of me becoming who I am, and nothing can change that. But they’re all a part of our love story, Mick. They’re all… minor characters, on the path of me getting to marry you.”

Now Mickey was the one rolling his eyes, his tough exterior finally starting to melt. “Yeah, okay softie.” His eyes flickered downward, in one last moment of vulnerability. “It’s just… it’s hard to forget all the stuff I missed out on, all the time we both coulda had. Time where you were with other people and not me.”

Ian pecked Mickey’s forehead, holding him in close. “Yeah, well, we have plenty of time now. Almost too much time. So much time that we’re ripping each other’s heads off.”

Mickey leaned back, and smirked. “Well, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what we can do with all that time on our hands, Mr. Milkovich.”

Ian leaned in closer, Mickey’s face millimeters from his. “Oh yeah?”

As Mickey leaned in to close the gap between their lips, he felt the nerve endings all over his body going fucking crazy again—maybe it had been a bumpy path for them both, and maybe he’d lost some of Ian along the way, but he couldn’t deny that this was worth the wait.

#ty for the prompt!<3 #gallavich #gallavich fic #shameless #ian x mickey #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich

[tripthelight-fanfic]

ho ho ho!!!🎄☃️🎁

i hope this wagner wednesday, december 15th, was fabulous and your booster shot didnt suck too badly<3

I DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE MAKING A BAYMAX MOVIE BUT EXCITING hes so adorable!!! glad to see hercules and atlantis in that top 5 bc wow they slap - same with coco. i took my younger brother to see it in theaters and cried like a baby. i cant say much about the pizza because im a slut for a couple of the local pizza places around me. with fries i cant say ive had any food from dq but now im tempted to try them👀

✨ questions of the day ✨

1. do you believe in the supernatural? if so, to what extent?

2. are there any local legends/cryptids now/where you grew up that are cool or interesting?

3. top 5 places you want to travel to?

4. favorite kinds of flowers?

5. do you have any tattoos or piercings?

remember santa loves u with their whole heart <3!

🎅🏼

#26

ps. when you answer this itll be 9 days to go till the big reveal!!!! 🥳

Good morning santa!! I’m feeling much better today than yesterday booster-wise! The ending of Coco also makes me cry, but so do the DQ French fries bc they’re SO GOOD you have to try them next chance you get I swear santa.

Okay, so here’s my thing about the supernatural. I love consuming media about supernatural things, but for the most part I believe in ghosts/spirits and aliens and that’s about it. I just can’t bring myself to believe that other things like werewolves and vampires exist. Although, with how little of the ocean has been explored, it’s still entirely possible that mermaids could exist, so the jury’s out on that one. I just like to consider myself a critical thinker when it comes to these, I’m hesitant to believe but I definitely can be swayed.

My hometown didn’t really have any local legends that I knew of. Honestly, Santa, I had a pretty sheltered youth. There was this abandoned psych ward near our closest city that people would sneak into sometimes to take pictures and smoke weed. I never went (bc I’m a lil bitch and that sounds scary) but friends of mine have gone and said it freaked them out.

Ooooh okay so full disclosure I’ve never crossed an ocean so there are lots of places I haven’t been to that I’d love to see. First and foremost, one day I’d love to do just a grand tour of Italy, because there are so many cities I wanna see; Florence, Tuscany, Rome, Venice, Naples, all of Sicily, etc. I would also love to see Greece, I remember falling in love with it after watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants when I was younger. I’d also like to see France, but probably not Paris. I’d want to go to Nice and Toulouse and Bordeaux and Cannes. After spending years studying French and France, I’ve come to the realization that Paris is really only exciting if you’re rich or super interested in history, other than that you might as well check out another city. I’d also really love to see Japan one day, there’s this guy I watch on YouTube who lives in Japan and basically goes to the convenience stores and vending machines and assembles and tries instant food and I know this is a strange thing to want to try but it all looks so good and it’s so cheap I want to try the snacks and instant noodles!!! (Literally all I was able to stomach yesterday was ramen noodles so there may be a bias at play here). Also, I’ve always wanted to see Ireland. I have family lineage in Ireland (along with Italy) and I think it would be really cool to reconnect with that, plus Ireland looks beautiful nature-wise.

My favorite flower bouquet-wise has always been roses with baby’s breath. Preferably red, but just any roses. I know that’s kind of basic, but I’ve always felt like a bouquet of roses really truly symbolizes a special occasion. Non-bouquet wise, my mom and I were growing some hibiscus plants on the balcony of her old apartment during quarantine and I really liked how quickly they could turn over and start growing a new flower bud, so that even though they only bloomed for a few days, there was always at least a few in bloom. It was a very rewarding flower to take care of.

I have two small black ink tattoos- the first being a cross on my back between the back of my neck and the middle of my shoulderblades. I got it just a few weeks after I turned 18 and I had been thinking about it for years- my mom only agreed because of the easily-hideable placement and the fact that it’s a cross. The thing is, because of the so-easy-to-hide placement, I would fully forget I had it and so would people around me unless I happened to have my hair up and be wearing a shirt that has a low back. So, around this time last year I believe, I got another tattoo on my right wrist that reads “this too shall pass” in typewriter font, lengthwise. I wanted to get this tattoo because I had a realization mid-quarantine that what my mom had been telling me for years about having visible tattoos and getting a job wouldn’t apply to me because I’m going into the entertainment field. This phrase has also always been an important mantra for me— in bad times, it’s a reminder that even though something feels like it’ll last forever, it won’t. Alternately, in good times, it’s a reminder to live in the moment because time is fleeting. I wanted to get it right on my wrist so that it can be in my line of vision when I need the reminder, because my issue with mantras and corrective thinking is I don’t remember to use them when my brain is in fight or flight mode. Also typewriter font because screenwriting.

Also, I have my earlobes pierced but that’s it, I have a topical nickel allergy and nickel is the main ingredient in most cheap jewelry, so I rarely even wear earrings to begin with. For that reason, I don’t really have any motivation to get a new piercing. I was looking into a daith piercing for a minute last year until I realized I wouldn’t be able to wear earbuds. So yeah, just the two tats and normal piercings for me!

I love you Santa I hope you also enjoyed Wagner wednesday there was a lot of good content. Can’t wait to officially meet you in 9(!!) days

#secret santa #26

[putas-in-suffering]

Quarantine Day 1:

A little treat for you babies. This was an idea that was already developed in our hive mind and just wouldn’t leave bc quarantining with Miguel is a whole ass vibe. So allows us to introduce part of Miguel’s Most Expensivest: Quarantine Edition. 

Miguel had promised you a relaxing day at home. He swore he’d get his work done as early as possible to free up the rest of his time for you. And despite the current state of the world, you were excited. 

It was just like Miguel to wait for a global pandemic to spend some much needed time with his lover.

You secure the tie on your swimsuit, scrutinizing your reflection. You smile at what you see, pleased with the product of your efforts. You dab some perfume onto your neck and wrists, feeling the butterflies beginning to set into your stomach. Miguel had texted you thirty minutes ago from his office downstairs, requesting you meet him by the pool in a half hour. You’d been tidying up the bedroom, organizing your closet when you saw the message, a smile instantly adorning your face at the prospect of spending time with your elusive partner.

You make your way down the stairs, bare feet making your movements muted against the marble floors. The house is quiet, the hustle and bustle of running a cartel shut down for the time being. You can feel the breeze through the open ceiling to floor glass doors that line the back patio, the air feeling divine on your bare flesh. 

You see a glass of champagne sitting idly on the dining table, waiting for you. You laugh at the gesture, your heart beating in anticipation. Miguel was always a little over the top. The clear waves of the pool call to you as you make your way outside, the low hum of music echoing through the outdoor speakers. The view is one of the main reasons you bought this house, the California hills and mountains shielding you from view from the rest of the world. In times like these it was easy to imagine you were the only two people that existed. 

A movement from your peripheral pulls your attention to your right and the lounge chairs that sit near the pool’s edge. The man who owns your heart is lounging in the warm rays of the sun, a glass flute of champagne gripped in his hand. 

And he’s naked. 

He’s as naked as the day he was born, brown skin on full display. Your eyes struggle to take all of him in at once. The smattering of hair across his legs, the firm muscles of his thighs, the ridges of his abdomen. You envision running your nails down the planes of his chest, knowing the hiss he would release in response. The strong chords of his neck call to you, begging to be marked with your mouth. His facial hair is trimmed neatly along his chiseled jaw, the mixture of black and grey making your thighs clench. Your eyes linger on the thick muscle resting between his thighs. You’ve had the pleasure of experiencing it first hand, but that doesn’t stop you from licking your lips at the sight of him. A pair of sunglasses are shielding his eyes. It's those sunglasses. The pair that have the power to make your panties flood. 

He looks every bit as luxurious as his bank account says he is. 

He’s aware of your reaction to him and he’s obviously pleased, a devilish smirk planted firmly on his bearded lips as he calls to you.

“Mi amor...” He beckons you with an outstretched hand. 

You go to his side, his free hand smoothing up your thigh and around to your ass as he plays with the string of your swimsuit.

“What’s this?” He asks, finger edging past the fabric and across your pubic bone. You shiver at the touch. 

“You said to meet you by the pool.” You reply, catching the smirk he wore at your slip of attitude. 

“No clothes while quarantining, baby...” He subtly demands, fingers now untying the knots. 

You hesitate for a moment at the feel of him pulling the material away, forgetting how isolated you now were in your own home. 

“No te preocupes.” He soothes and you nod, allowing him to expose you to the warmth of the day. 

He sets aside your champagne glasses and reaches his hand out to you, signaling what he wants. You move instinctively, straddling his lap. You hum at the pleasant feeling of his bare flesh against yours. His skin is hot from the sun and it heats yours instantly, cocooning you in a blanket of warmth. He immediately unties the strings of your top, ridding you of the garment. Your naked chest presses against his, his hands caressing your back in a gentle pattern. 

“Feel good?” He asks, his chest rumbling beneath you. 

You moan in response, burrowing further into his neck as his hands explore every inch of your body. The sun and breeze work together to lull you, your soft curves rubbing lazily against his hard lines. He sits you up, his fingertips tracing along your face and neck, his eyes still hidden by tinted lenses. You can see the mischief in them still. And the thought sends a jolt straight to your pussy.

“Hermosa...” He whispers against your lips, a firm hand now gripping the flesh of your ass. He captures your mouth with his, your tongues tangled in passion. You get lost in each other, your bodies writhing in search of friction. 

His lips move to your breasts, tasting you flesh. Your fingers thread into his hair, anchoring him to the nipple he’s attached himself to. Your back arches at the sensation, head thrown back as you grind into his lap.

“Miguel...” You breathe out, feeling him hard and wanting beneath you. Your thighs widen as you twirl your hips against him, ensuring he’s soaked and primed for your body. 

“What is it?” He asks, hearing the change in your breathing. You dig your nails into his chest and are instantly rewarded by the hiss that escapes him. 

“I need you.” You plead, curling around him as he sucks almost violently at your neck. 

“Put me in.” He softly demands, his voice the perfect elixir of smooth and rough. You whimper and raise onto your knees, feeling him try to align himself with your opening. 

Your pussy pulses around nothing, desperate to have him embedded deep into your womb. You grip him in your hand, your walls taking him in slowly. You take inch by glorious inch, letting the familiar burn wash over you as he stretches your walls. You moan lowly when he’s reached your barrier, your body now pressed firmly against his. 

“Fuck, baby...” He curses, forehead buried in the crook of your neck.

Neither one of you move at first. You savor the feeling of fullness, feeling the throbbing of his cock against your walls. You squeeze him within you and he nips at your neck in retaliation, a low growl falling from his lips.

You both take your time, moving in an unhurried rhythm as you just feel the other. He lets you take control as your hips rotate above him, never letting him leave the confines of your body. His hands rest on your ass, gently guiding you. His sinful mouth devours your breasts, pulling a moan from your throat. It's perfect, the kind of coupling that almost makes you feel intoxicated. 

Miguel bends his knees, his feet firmly planted on the chair beneath you. You feel the thinly veiled control start to unravel as he bounces you in his lap, meeting your thrusts. You lock your arms securely around his shoulders, maintaining balance. A thick finger begins to assault your clit as he moves your hips, forcing you to take him in repeatedly. 

“Oh, god...” You cry as the crescendo builds, readying for your climax. Pleasure leads you as you move with him, lights beginning to dance behind your eyes. Your limbs tense and your spine twists as wave after wave of ecstasy pulls you under. Your walls quiver and ricochet off his cock, your hips no longer moving in tandem with his. 

“Shit, I’m gonna cum.” He confesses between gritted teeth. 

His jaw is clenched, his arms straining with tension as he continues to pound up into you. The sound is obscene, but it only adds to the moment as he finally releases inside of you. His hips stutter as his body spasms, thick ropes of cum painting your insides. You moan at the feeling, basking in the guilty pleasure of having him fill you. 

Satiation hits immediately. Miguel pulls you to him as he reclines against the propped up back of the chair. Your ear settles over his chest, listening to his heartbeat attempting to slow down after his high. His hands run up and down your back, his softening cock still locked in your depths. You can feel his cum threatening to escape from between you as you adjust your position. Your eyes already feel heavy, the combined stickiness of sweat and fluids securing you to him for the time being.

“Jesus...” You say with a tired laugh, trying to catch your breath.

You crane your neck up to look at him, those ridiculously attractive sunglasses still perched on his nose. Beads of perspiration decorate his forehead, but there's an ease to him that wasn't there before. 

“Its Miguel.” He quips, smiling at his own joke. His arms encircle you while your fingers dance delicately over his chest. 

“That was quite a surprise.” You tease, pressing a kiss to the flesh beneath you.

“I’m taking full advantage of this quarantine, my love.” He showcases his white teeth in a grin, and even though his eyes are hidden, you know he’s winked at you. His statement is further punctuated by the light slap on your ass, his fingers in no hurry to stray from where the two of you are still joined. 

You only smile, letting the breeze, the sun, the music, the champagne, and Miguel’s touch take you away. Spending the quarantine with the cartel may not be so bad after all. 

#miguel galindo #miguel galindo imagine #miguel galindo x reader #miguel galindo x you #sucia squad

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

[aryn-writes]

And we are back to over sharing to deal with my mental health

TW: Caps, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Depression, Anxiety

Venting Post!

I am so tired. And before you ask, yes I sleep over six hours every night. When I can, I sleep over 12. So my sleeping is not the issue.

The issue is that I have no fucking clue how to exist anymore.

I was initially trying to remain as the person that I was. They were a happyish ray of sunshine that was so good at helping people. And they did! People came to them daily to vent, get advice, or just letting them know that they are doing better. And I wasn’t doing great mentally then, but I was making improvements!

It has been over a year since we went into lockdown.

And you know, there have been good things that came out of the isolation.

I know I am nonbinary! And I was getting closer to dressing how I want!

But I am exhausted.

While I am at a healthy weight now, I have been slipping in and out of my ED habits. My family has also been continuously shitting on me for gaining weight. (if you’re curious, I am 5’4” [~162 cm] at 135 lbs [~61 kg]. I used to be at 100 lbs [45 kg]. And I would continuously dip back in double digits.) So, I have a fear that I’m going tot get bad again and that is just not something that I can handle at the moment.

I also can’t socialize, because holy fuck that shit is terrifying.

Like there are times when I can’t even talk to my family.

My closest friends? One of them messages me daily to make sure I’ve eaten at least one thing (which I agree, very kind, but I will explain why I don’t like it in a bit.) The other I haven’t talked to in months and it is so awkward when we try to talk. All the other people I used to consider close haven’t talked to me in a year, even after I would attempt to reach out to them.

I know that it is partially my fault; I am horrible at messaging and keeping conversations going is one of my weaker points, even in person. Along with that, I have been having depressive episodes more often that I care to keep track of, and I push people away and isolate myself during those times. So I get that it might be difficult to talk to me.

But there are people who I will reach out to, and they read the message and just don’t respond.

Like... I will literally say “hey! It’s been a while, how have you been?” (No response)

A week goes by

“I’m just checking in to make sure you’re doing alright” (left on read)

Another week

“Me and this person wanted to plan a small hang out online! She found this really cool website that we can play games, and we can use discord to chat. Wanna join?” (No response)

And it goes on.

For over seven months.

So if you have an active imagination and are prone to overthinking, you can imagine that my thoughts are “well shit. They just don’t like me and were only friendly bc i was dating him.” (Him being my ex boyfriend; we broke up a month into the quarantine.)

And so that kinda fucked with my anxiety even more.

I don’t blame them for not talking to me. The logical part of me understands that sometimes you just don’t respond, or maybe you forget or just don’t want to. I get that. But the part of me that has been overwhelming is pretty much like, everyone hates you and you’re a burden.

And it’s really hard to open up to the people you are close to when you feel this way.

So we come back to the close friend who checks that I’ve eaten.

He is wonderful, do not get me wrong. We became acquaintances around September 2019, and friends a few months after. At this time, I was dating my ex, who was an acquaintance to the close friend. (We are going to call the close friend Edward from here on out.)

At that time, I was struggling with my body image and my eating disorder. (Every year I go through a relapse and recovery, it fucking sucks and sometimes the relapse take over almost the whole year, but not the point right now.) One of his first memories of me is me having a panic attack because I ate a sandwich.

So during this pandemic, Edward has been messaging me to make sure I’m eating, because he doesn’t want me to get really bad again. Which is nice!

Except he doesn’t really understand mental illness.

He has been trying! Do not get me wrong, he does try. But his way of going about talking to me during a depressive episode is “Just don’t let it get to you” And “Be happy” and my favorite, “I don’t get why it’s so bad.”

😃🤡

Along with that, he gets incredibly upset when I don’t respond to his messages within like thirty minutes.

Keep in mind, I have been going through many, many depressive episodes and am constantly struggling to get out of bed and keep up with my school work. I have told him this. I have told him that sometimes I just cannot handle checking my messages and participating in conversation.

And a side note, I am in my last year of high school. Which mean I have online learning and in a few months I will be graduating. Which means I have a few classes I need to pass in order to graduate. If you keep up with most high schoolers, we have been getting an absurd amount of work with due dates every fucking day. That plus depression does not go well, and so I am very tired all the time, but since we have actual lectures instead of recordings, I keep my camera on for every single class because the teacher’s get sad if we don’t. And yes, there are classes where it is just me and the teacher with our cameras on. And yes I constantly disassociate during class and stop focusing because I forget to.

So yeah, it is fucking hard to just keep up with that, and socializing isn’t really something my brain sees as important because of the constant negative energy I receive when I do try to talk to people. So I have told him that as of late, it is just difficult to do much besides school, and things that produce any sort of serotonin or dopamine.

And he got upset that talking to him wasn’t making me happy!

Which, it does! Because he is a great friend! But he is so rude about the things involving my mental illnesses! And acts like he understands it better because he is in a psychology class! So in this state, I do not feel as comfortable talking to him since he only wants the ‘happy’ version of me that struggles to eat so that he can ‘fix’ my eating disorder and be able to feel like he did something!

But I continue to try to talk to him, because he is an only child and I am one of his only actual friends. (I really wish I was kidding, but when we became close, he told me that I was the first person to ever actually care about how he’s feeling and how he is actually doing rather than just taking advantage of his presence. He almost cried when I said that I appreciated his existence.)

And I do care about him. Edward is definitely a close friend, and I appreciate that he tries. But lately, he only does it for the validation of knowing he did something good, and it feels like he is just tired of having me around since I can’t bring myself to speak much.

So I have been trying to push myself to be a good friend to him. And I am doing what I can to pretend that I am getting better so that he can be happier. Which is just tiring me out even more.

I feel empty most of the time now, and I am so easily put over the edge. I can hide it pretty well, but it has been getting to the point where I am contemplating self harm again just to feel something.

I don’t remember how to properly do things. I am really just trying to get through every day. But it feels like I am headed straight for doom and I am so tired of it and I just want to leave!

Which in a few months, technically I will. I hope to go out of state for college (to get as far as I possibly can from all of this shit) but as I apply to more scholarships, I want to scream and cry because I have no clue how I am going to pay for college because my parents make too much money and my mother spends it all on herself so I am stressed out. I didn’t do enough extracurriculars, and I have been rejected from so many scholarships that it’ s starting to look like I might need to stay here, and I can’t do that. I just can’t.

So I have been crying and trying to escape from this shit, and I feel like at some point I might just constantly think that nothing is real and none of this shit matters, because that is on my mind more and more.

But hey! I have been reading, writing, gaming, watching anime and drawing to cope so that shit exists (even though it’s all shit so I won’t post it) and I’m making improvements with that so that is something?

I don’t fucking know lol.

I am just tired, and this was a rant. I don’t fucking care. Hope you have a good day!

#reality is often disappointing #and i am exhausted #life seems fake #depressive episodes suck #i literally can’t talk because of #anxiety #pretty sure everyone hates me #do i need tight hugs #therapy #or music #anyways #fictional characters #are the only thing really motivating me #tamaki and haruhi would not stand this #jumin and saeran would be making me get help and making sure that I wasn’t this stressed out #and there’s more but you get the gist #imma take a nap #emotional vent #depression

[theragamuffininitiative]

hiyo

A brief personal update: riveting stuff, obviously.

I'm still working at the theatre, and pre-covid it was beginning to look like a promotion but if that happens it likely won't be this year, and I'm ok with that. Being furloughed March through May was one of the weirdest times of my life. I was way more strict about not going places and seeing people than anyone else around me, largely bc I have so many friends in areas that had the higher case counts at the time. Now the midwest is fit to get its share and I'm just....doing my best. Pretty sure you all can relate to that.

Still living with my roommate bc her boy didn't propose and there were Things. But they're getting married at the end of the year now and I'm excitedly ready to have my own space. At last.

I have stopped drinking soda. I’ve had it three times this year and otherwise I drink oceans of tea.

Also don't have a cat yet.

But.

Soon.

Very soon.

Still working on OtB as far as writing goes. It's been way slower than I like lol.

Fandom things you guys might actually be interested in!!

I watched Bandstand like thirty times when they streamed it. Coming at your tumble gifsetters... That show. I can’t. I just can’t. It’s so good. So. Good.

@hisloveconsumesme​ me sent me a Donny Nova Band shirt which I adore and I wore it on the 4th of July because obviously.

She and I also have been watching a lot of SPN and are almost done.

I still love the boys and I'm still not an actual fan of the show, so that hasn't changed lol (I think she tolerates my outbursts against it rather well).

I did of course tune in to see Winn return to stupidglue.

I had forgotten how horribly idiotic that show is. There literally are not words to describe what a garbage fire of a production that show is, all my love to the cast and crew living in that nightmare. It is a gargantuan failure of a story, the cw writers wouldn't know a proper plot arc or character development if it leapt up and slapped them in the face - which has happened. (I did, on those occasions, peruse @ninjagoat​ 's blog to soothe my outrage with salty commentary.) But Winn still holds my heart, and I love his life in the future; he has found everything he deserved that was refused from him in the current time. Family, true romance, appreciation for the genius he is, and friends who actually care for him. Also I died of laughter and love when his whole point in coming back appeared to be giving everyone a kick in the pants or a heart to heart and imparting his particular brand of wisdom. And he was right on all accounts as far as I could see. My best space boy.

I have read 14 books so far this year. Thought I would read more but I've delved a lot into certain blogs and such for reading time, and spent a surprising amount of three months of quarantine being social: group chats and movie nights and video calls, I had to start scheduling them lol.

I WATCHED HAMILTON LAST NIGHT

I watched all of the Mandalorian, and might rewatch it now that I’m personally subscribed and paying more of my soul to Disney. I think the Mandalorian might be my favorite Star Wars thing to exist.

2020 has been so weird, I don’t know what else has happened that might be relevant to this blog.

Oh. Needtobreathe’s upcoming album might be the best thing ever in all of existence, even if I did cry when they announced Bo leaving the band.

Uh, lastly, I have plants. I have four air plant buddies named after the villains in Airbuddies for obvious reasons even though I never watched that movie. And I have some rosemary and thyme and some oregano I’m trying to salvage, some strawberry plants I’m trying to grow from seed, and several tiny aspenglow succulents that don’t get enough sunlight in my window and probably won’t make it, but I tried.

That’s about all, folks. Maybe next year I’ll come back with a cat and a boyfriend and a progressing career path. XD

#this has been an update #an absolutely unnecessary one but here i am #ragamusings #this has been a /year/ in my life post

[fairycosmos]

Hi C, I'm in a really dark place rn esp bc of quarantine, so I'm probably not gonna make it these next few months sadly, sorry to lay this on you, but I just wanted to say this before. I relate alot to you about many of the personal/emotional things you talk about in your asks and your blog brings me comfort when I decide to come on here. I'm shy so sometimes I reblog the stuff you reblog from the source haha. I hope you learn to feel truly happy and that you never get to my point. Love , V x

hey, this seriously breaks my heart to read 😞 i’m not stupid enough to believe that anything i say will be enough to absolve you of the weight you’re carrying. clearly you’re dealing with a lot of pain and mental exhaustion, maybe to an extent i cant even imagine. so i know words from a stranger aren’t any kind of solution. but i have to try any way because i care about what happens to you, and i want you to know that you’re not in this all on your own. maybe i could be a mediating presence. maybe all that matters is having some time to pause. to give yourself another perspective to consider so it’s not just your mind trying to convince you that it’s all so black and white. cause it’s not, i promise. you can be 100% certain, in this moment, that these next few months will be rough/ impossible to survive - and still make it through them anyway. a sense of impending doom is not always accurate, nor is any ‘helplessness’ you see in yourself. and when you have depression, most of the time those perceptions are wildly inaccurate. it’s coming from the same place as all of the other toxic thinking processes: the self hatred, the shame, the anxiety. it’s not a reliable or factually concrete basis to act on. look, everything i talk about in my asks, i believe whole heartedly to be true for you, too. i dont say these things lightly at all. especially when i bring up how mental illness distorts your reality and your ability to make an accurate judgement of your future, and even more so when i talk about all the different types of treatment that are out there and that really do work given the time and effort. even if they’re not immediately available to you right now, just simply surviving through each day will eventually get you to a point where you can begin confronting your issues and growing beyond them. just as people do with physical ailments, the same is possible for mental ones. you can cry, you can want to give up, you can be numb and hurt and not know what to do next. as long as you make it to the next moment. if you need a little help to be able to do that, then that’s fine. most people do. there are many hotlines still open, online communities offering support, mental health professionals working from home that you can contact. even if you have to force yourself to. if you’re already seeing someone, you can call them any time and let them know you’re struggling. then maybe you can set up a plan together, to enable you to manage the heavy thoughts/emotions when they flare up instead of being overwhelmed by them. if not, you could call a friend or loved one if that’s an option just so you have someone to vent to. i’m sure they’d rather you do that than hurt yourself. a lot of ppl are feeling the strain of this isolation, but that doesn’t mean we can’t stay connected in other ways. it doesn’t mean we’re beyond help. it’s okay, whatever you need, it’s okay. i know it seems like bull shit, and i know it doesn’t feel worth it right now. i completely understand, i’ve absolutely been there too. but i would hate to see you permanently harm yourself, or worse, over an episode (that has been significantly worsened by quarantine) that can be worked through. you cant trust your mind right now, or the urges you’re having. i dont want to give you all the cliches about how there’s so much waiting for you, about how suicide is an extreme solution to a temporary problem. i get that they’re annoying. but part of me does believe all of those old sayings, at least a little bit. you can recognize that you’re in a dark place right now, and that it’s being exacerbated by current circumstances, and thats a really good sign. it means some part of you know there’s more beyond that, that improvement is both possible and in some ways, inevitable. whatever ‘point’ you think you’re at, you’re not. you’re not a lost cause. you didn’t survive everything so far, for nothing. so please, please don’t get lost in the notion that killing yourself is a guaranteed act, because it’s not. it’s easy to believe that when you’re spiraling, but spirals always come to an end, through self awareness or natural progression or medical attention. listen, you’re here and you’re trying and that is quite literally the entire point. you’re worth so much, and so is your life. i couldn’t be more proud of you, and i want you to stick around so that someday you’ll see it for yourself. i’m really glad i was able to bring you some comfort. it makes me want to cry that you sent this and that you’re thinking of me. so know i’m thinking of you too. that so many people care for your presence even if you dont know it. please reconsider, please try to regroup and look at your options. if you want to talk, dont hesitate at all to message me. i know you said you’re shy, but so am i! and i can relate a lot to what you’re saying. i’ll be here. take it one day at a time love, and if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even a minute at a time. the rest doesn’t exist yet. im sending you so much love, and my dms are always open. get some sleep, eat well, find something you enjoy that allows you to breathe, - a view from a window, a tv show, a memory, laying in bed. not a cure,  i know, just a small reason. and then for now, keep going. whatever that looks like for you. i believe in you so much x

#im not a professional or even a figure in your life so ik these words r limited but i wanted you to read them anyway #tw suicide #tw self harm #anon

[cardboardboxcomplex]

ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore.  i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room 

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it’s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn. 

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you 

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they. 

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time 

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix) 

#white noise #i'll tag idk journal stuff that i guess #cos actually all my thoughts are not in words #until i turn them into words #which has gotten increasingly difficult #long post #idk should i tag that #idk who's actually following this acct #besides kosestream

[acryofhelp]

It has been such a long time since I last used tumblr. It used to be a fun distraction. Even when I read thousand of posts about different subjects that I care about and silently agreed with....it felt like it wasn't real. Like my life was nothing more than a bundle of wrong choices and way too many "I am scared to"'s. I am still scared. I am stressed and anxious and sometimes very depressed. Yes I have my friends and family. No they don't know everything about me. My best friends do. But sometimes it feels like not even they understand. Don't get me wrong...I love them so much and I am grateful for them....but I feel the need to write this here. To Express my thoughts in a way it won't reach them and hurt their feelings. Maybe it is selfish...who knows? It is just frustrating yk? Wanting to be yourself. And constantly having people undermine you. I am bisexual. I hear lots of comments abt my sexuality. "Just choose one. Bisexuals are cheaters" and so on. My best friend thought bisexuality means excluding other gender identities and didn't hesitate to say that to my face even though I have had this discussion with her many, many times. No. It is not like that. I can fall for cis or nonbinary or trans or genderfluid people just the same. I myself am genderfluid. So I took it pretty hard. Like she was telling me i am invalidating my own existence. Yes i am genderfluid and i am proud of my gender identity. It took me such a long time to realise that there is nothing wrong with me. It was so hard to accept myself and it still is sometimes. In March of this year,right before the quarantine, we went out with some other classmates of ours. They started saying how nonbinary/trans people are way too extra for asking people to use the right pronouns. My best friend agreed to them knowing my gender identity, knowing how hurtful it was. How I would feel like crying bcs it feels just so frustrating to have people use the wrong pronoun. Misgender you. I was glad i had to go to a class so i got up and said "if someone would call one of you girls a he you would freak out and put out your boobs to show you are a girl. You are no different and no better." And i left.I am polyamorous. When I first told my best friend that I was invited to join a polyamorous relationship she freaked so bad. She acted like it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I laughed and said I wasn't interested anyways. It was a lie. I bottled it down. Deep deep down just like I did with everything else and it was eating me from the inside out. I came to terms with this too. Yes I can be in both monogamous and poly relationships. I have so much love to give. Sometimes I feel like my feelings...my pain don't matter. I am going to start a very stressful year in my life. And I can't keep bottling in everything. And I can't tell her all I said here because it would hurt her. But I felt hurt, betrayed, left aside. I feel like the moment she doesn't need me, she treats me like I don't matter. But at the same time she has been there for me through so much. I don't know if this is a toxic relationship. Somehow all my relationships are toxic. They wear me out. I am tired. I am just tired and I want it to stop. I am not writing all of this for any kind of attention because I don't care how many people see this. I am doing this for myself. Because for once I want to stop putting myself second. For once I will not care about other people's feelings and just for mine. I am tired indeed. Tired of feeling this way...tired of letting it happen. Maybe one day I will show her all this. When I man up. But for now I will post here every now and then...to let off some steam. .to help deal with everything. If anyone had the time and read all of this thanks for listening to my ranting and I hope you have an amazing day

#i'm tired #depression struggles #bisexuality #genderfluid #polyamory #my life #whatever

[koiyyo]

a request thing and then a question for all of you! request: how would all the classes celebrate april fool’s day? whether it be pranks or just chillin | and the ask: how’re you holding up during quarantine? have you picked up on any new hobbies?

hey!! mod kiwi here!! thanks for the ask, anon! ^^

here we go! all of the classes celebrating april fools!

written by mod kiwi, mod irusu, mod corn

edited by mod irusu

starting off with dr1! (plus komaru!)

makoto

tells everyone that he was going to get everyone gifts for april fools’ but he forgot to buy them

actually did buy gifts

 “see?? the prank is that.. i said that i forgot to get you guys gifts… but i actually remembered..!!! ahahaha!!”’

just… wholesome pranks only

either cries or is just really confused when anyone pranks him 

no inbetween

kyoko

doesn’t do pranks or anything

knows when people are trying to prank her

points out that she knows the person is trying to prank her

except if that person is makoto

she acts like she doesn’t know what makoto is doing and then acts surprised

byakuya

“april fools? isn’t that for children?”

gets really pissed when people prank him

slightly more or less pissed when makoto pranks him

but is… kind of grateful when makoto reveals what his prank was

VERY pissed when toko/jill pranks him

just. pissed in general

sayaka

 enjoys pranking people

 “here’s some lemonade! :)” “HA, IT’S ACTUALLY PEE!!! BAHAHAHA!!!”

 it isn’t actually piss. it’s watered down pineapple juice or some shit like that

“..can i have it back though”

thinks it’s funny when people prank her, most of the time

“leon please leave me alon e”

junko

 fucking LOVES pranks

 makes sure to prank everyone at least twice

 her pranks are very complex. she plans them months beforehand

tries to get mukuro to help her with her pranks

usually fails

loses her shit when people prank her

go crazy aaa go stupid aaa

mukuro

 doesn’t really understand pranks

 her pranks are just. pointing a gun at someone and pretending like she’s about to shoot them

scared makoto to death with one of her ‘pranks’

is just confused when people prank her

junko convinced her to dress up like her,, multiple ‘pranks’ ensued

chihiro

 doesn’t really try to prank people that often

 when he does prank people… wow are they complex pranks

his pranks are fun and harmless!

usually knows when people are trying to prank him

mondo

 thinks pranks are great

usually fails when trying to prank someone

just trying his best

either laughs or gets angry when someone pranks him

it really depends on the person

taka

his pranks aren’t even pranks tbh

usually upset when people prank him.. usually

“that’s a violation of the rules..!!”

but when they tell him it’s a prank he calms down

toko

doesn’t really get the point of april fools

whenever someone pranks her she starts ranting about how everyone thinks she’s disgusting so that’s why they’re pranking her

at some point she tried to use a mistletoe on byakuya despite it being april fools

her pranks are usually harmless but everyone fears she has a greater plan in mind..

most adventurous prank she did was switch komaru’s manga with actual books

jill

toko sneezes from a pepper-related prank and jill goes absolutely batshit crazy

then she realizes what day it is

oh no

her “pranks” involve holding a hostage until byakuya looks at her

hiro

people hide his weed as a “prank”

results in him crying so they just,, tell him where it is

“30% chance that you’re gonna die today.. a ha ha?”

isn’t sober enough to think of good pranks 

antagonizes gullible people

hina

thinks throwing food at people is a prank

gets pouty when she’s pranked

whines to sakura about it

when she gets pranked its just,, high pitched screaming

does not matter what it is

sakura

lets hina on her shoulders

they put a white sheet on,, and pretend to be a ghost

doesn’t fool anyone

except for dummies like hiro, prompts an exorcism

most “pranks” go over her head, she just maintains a stoic expression

celeste

set things on fire as a prank

until firefighters were called

keeps a stoic face like sakura when she’s pranked

will give a condescending laugh

hifumi

his ‘pranks’ consist of hiding hentai around

no one enjoys this. NO ONE. except tsumugi?

just. shocked when people prank him

will push up his glasses and pretend like he knew it was a prank

he didn’t. smh my head these hoes ain’t loyal

leon

“sayaka get pranked pleas e marry me”

that’s all you’re getting

“bro i’m so ugly.. just kidding april fools (:”

will fist fight those who prank him

,,well,,, try to

falls for every. prank.

EVERY. PRANK.

komaru

is usually the hostage that jill holds

just vibing

helps makoto and toko with their pranks

will always pretend to be scared / shocked

“omg.. you got me.. wahh”

dr2!!

hajime

 what the hell is a prank

his response is always old man grumbling

“DAMN kids.. damn april..”

just vibes with chiaki the whole day

almost strangled nagito for a prank doe

bless this man

nagito

doesn’t prank people because “me? pranking the ultimates? nooo, trash like me could never do such a thing..”

…does prank hajime sometimes, though

LOVES when he’s pranked, no matter what the prank is

“for an ultimate to put time and effort into playing a prank on trash like me… how wonderful!”

just does nagito things

chiaki

doesn’t prank people all that much

when someone pranks her she blinks before laughing awkwardly

she never gets mad because she’s nice like that

the only “prank” she’s done was BRUTAL..

she stole hajime’s switch and made rosie leave his acnh town

ibuki

FUCKING LOVES PRANKS

pranks all day. pranks every second. you’re never safe around her on april fools’

plots with junko

the type to put paint up on open doors and cause them to fall on people

constant screaming, in fear or to cause fear

mikan

 “h-huh? you.. pranked me..??”

very confused, 24/7

doesn’t prank people. barely understands what pranks are

gets pranked by ibuki every 2 seconds. bless her soul

usually the one to help everyone clean up the aftermaths of pranks

mahiru

 she never pranks anyone

usually against pranks

when someone gets pranked she immediately scolds whoever did it

she helped with a single prank and immediately apologized for it

peko

 what the hell is a prank x2

over protective of fuyuhiko

people have to tell her it’s a prank so she calms down

someone told her fuyuhiko died as a prank, she sobbed despite seeing him in front of her

“someone” was hiyoko

akane

 only does food related pranks

usually ends up eating the food before she can prank you with it

enjoys hina’s pranks cause it involves food

just trying to vibe and cromch

fuyuhiko 

 “god i fuCKING HATE APRIL FOOLS’”

,,,fucking hates pranks

tries his best to protect peko

she tends to get pranked a fair bit anyway

sonia

 “aha! i have pranked you! get.. pranked!”

you can usually tell when she’s trying to prank you

very supportive of pranks

“that was very funny! good job!”

kazuichi

 really gay pranks

“b-bro it was just a prank bro i’m not gay bro i swear bro it was for the prank bro,, bro,, bro i–”

tries to get people to spy on sonia with him to “prank her”

no one agrees to join him

teruteru

 makes bad food as ‘pranks’

tries to get the girls to wear lewd things, as a ‘prank’

heavy quotation marks on prank

just a horny dude as per usual

imposter

 scoffs anytime someone tries to prank them

thinks pranking is child’s play

finds it funny when others get pranked doe

hiyoko

 this is HER day to shine,, no one else

no one will escape her wrath

constantly lets bugs loose

has spent everyday planning, has customized plans for nearly everyone,,,

kicks people in the groin if they prank her, male or not

gundham

 tried to put a spell on himself so people legally can’t prank him

it failed, had a pie thrown in his face

the four dark devas of destruction licked his face clean,,

is extra cautious so his furry children don’t get caught in prank crossfire

kokichi once took one of the dark devas as a prank…

gundham has NEVER forgiven him and probably never will

nekomaru

will yell at any prank in fear

locked someone in the bathroom as a prank

let them out cause he had to use it,,

isn’t good at pranks pray for him 

dr v3!

shuichi

 doesn’t get pranked a lot because he just starts crying

almost had a heart attack one year

doesn’t understand how kaede can have so much fun

his only ‘pranks’ are him accidentally scaring people at 9 pm when he is scavenging the kitchen for grated cheese,,

targeted by kokichi and kaede majority of the time

maki

 will literally stab anyone who tries to prank her

except maybe kaede and kaito

bc they’re babies

one time kokichi hid all her weapons as a prank

she beat him to death

himiko

her ‘pranks’ are just magic tricks

will hex you if you say her magic pranks aren’t real

sleeps most of the day so no one really pranks her

also the fact that tenko is her bodyguard scares people away

“i have to much mana fear doesn’t effect me”

kaede

avid prankster

really wholesome doe, nothing to extreme

her jumping around a corner and yelling boo is considered a prank

attempts to play bdum tsh with piano keys

tries to act like she doesn’t scared,,, she really does

rantaro

really chill the entire day

not a lot of the pranks get him so he just awkwardly laughs

kokichi put a bucket on his head as a prank

kept it on the whole day. learned echolocation.

doesn’t really like pranking, too lazy

kirumi

scolds people for pranking

especially kokichi

isn’t one to prank really

thought adding extra vanilla to a cake was a ‘prank’

anytime she gets scared she beats the person with a broom

ryoma

people don’t prank him

they just can’t see him. too short.

 stoic the whole day

judgemental glares to everyone the whole day

vibing

korekiyo

who let the cryptid learn about april fools

will constantly harass angie about “atua doesn’t exist,, jk april fools”

throws shedded snake skin at people?? and occult books?? as a prank

“who wants to summon satan.. but only as a prank”

pretends to be people’s sleep paralysis monster 

(doesn’t need to pretend for me -irusu)

angie 

has beaten korekiyo with a bible multiple times

thinks pranking people won’t make atua happy

anytime she’s scared she yells “atua is displeased”

tenko

beats up all the boys as a ‘prank’

will literally DESTROY anyone who pranks himiko

it doesn’t matter how harmless the prank is

really nice and forgiving to the girls

no mercy. will beat up the babiest of baby boyes. even makoto :(

makoto is terrified of tenko on april fools’ for this reason

miu

horny time horny time horny time horny ti

only plays pranks that are sexual in some way

TERRIFIED when people prank her

it doesn’t matter what the prank is

angry at them afterwards

tries to get kaede to play the pornhub intro theme on a piano

gonta 

 doesn’t get pranks

will still get spooked

didn’t even know hiyoko was pranking him because he cherished the bugs,,,

“wow..! gonta thanks hiyoko for these bugs! happy day!”

is to nice/confused to prank anybody

just doing his best

kaito

doesn’t prank people but is very supportive of other people pranking each other

the victim of most pranks because of how nice he is about it

got dared to prank kokichi once

you can guess how it went

kokichi

oh no

OH NO

stay away from him at all costs

rantaro and shuichi tried to be nice since everyone was avoiding him and tried to hang out with him

he gave them meat cupcakes 

nobody ever pranks him because he holds grudges and will give you payback

his pranks are always wildcards. from dumping flour on maki to a whole entire elaborate prank just to make fun of kiibo being a robot, you never know

kiibo 

“wait, what?” 

gets targeted by kokichi

has no clue what a prank is

tries his best

has to get the prank explained to him when he gets pranked then he thinks it’s funny

tsumugi

 treats hifumi putting hentai everywhere as an easter egg hunt

“pranks” people by putting on anime on their tv then leaving

thinks people pranking her is funny and laughs every time

mostly condescending laughs

as for your question.. well, we’re all doing pretty good i think! (hopefully)

personally i’m not that affected bc,, i usually never leave the house often anyway,,, i’m not lonely bc i have you guys and all the other mods… love yall! i haven’t really gotten into new hobbies but i might get back into watercolor painting if i have the time (which i probably do)! -mod kiwi

my schedule hasn’t changed because i don’t have a life so.. but i’ve been playing animal jam! for some reason! :) also got into your turn to die. if corn can spread her anime propaganda i can spread mine  - mod irusu                        bro. u are my life ;flsuhed: -mod kiwi                                                               BRO - mod irusu

still an avid gremlin. my only hobbies rn are rewatching jojo and haikyuu, crying over it, and harassing the other mods with my stupidity. (narancia best boy watch jjba 2020) -mod corn

 mod cass is busy getting a virus for a butterfly game she played when she was like 10. let’s assume she’s like the rest of us - mod irusu

mod chie is fucking dead but,,, as far as i know he’s doing good :)) being horny rabid man as usual :)) he’s always asleep when we make posts bc he has a relatively normal sleep schedule

 -mod kiwi

update on cass: shes opening wine files now help

no i havent ivee been hungrye - mod dragon

?? no clue what that means either but best im gonna get from her - mod irusu

thanks for reading!

-mod kiwi

#danganronpa #danganronpa 2 #danganronpa trigger happy havoc #danganronpa v3 #april fools #mod kiwi #mod irusu #mod corn

[syndullastars]

tagged by @brontes thank you !! ♡

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? like a 5.5 maybe

describe yourself in a hashtag? #AHHHHHHHH

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? does anyone actually like to do love scenes cause it seems like it’d be pretty uncomfortable to me

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? rolling with the punches

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? probably that i’m actually a mess hahaha

what’s your wake up ritual? bathroom, brush teeth, wash face, contacts, breakfast and then get dressed

what’s your go to bed ritual? bathroom, brush teeth, contacts out, read until i’m ready to sleep

what’s your favorite time of day? depends on the season, but since we’re coming up on summer i’ll go with that twilight time of the evening between like 7 and 9 when the sun is setting and you can hear all the crickets and other insects singing and everything seems blanketed in this otherworldly glow

your go to for having a good laugh? old messages/videos/photos, cracky memes and shitposts

dream country to visit? new zealand

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? my parents surprised us with a trip to disney once! my sister and i literally cried lmao

heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers

vintage or new? depends, but usually new

who do you want to write your obituary? whoever wants to i guess

style icon? padme amidala (yes a fictional character)

what are three things you cannot live without? family, friends, and good stories

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? i use red pepper a lot, but not in everything. so probably too much salt

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? my best friend, my sister, my mom

what’s your biggest fear in life? failing / not living up to my family’s expectations of me

window or aisle seat? window, but only if i know the people next to me. i get up way too many times to bother them if i don’t lol

what’s your current tv obsession? the clone wars :(

favorite app? apple music or messages, bc those are the ones i use most

secret talent? all my talents have long been put on display and used to give me stress lol

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? moving across the country for school probably

how would you define yourself in three words? perceptive, self-aware, empathetic

favorite piece of clothing you own? maybe my fila disruptors? basic i know but they're very stompy

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a nice pair of jeans i think

a superpower you would want? telepathy

what’s inspiring you in life right now? art and the people who make it

best piece of advice you’ve received? forgive and let go (but don’t forget)

best advice you’d give your teenage self? stop worrying so much about being well-behaved and fight back. tell people what you think even if they don’t want to hear it

a book everyone should read? everyone has different values and interests so i don’t think i can recommend one book that everyone should read

what would you like to be remembered for? being a good friend

how do you define beauty? beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so it’s whatever i think is beautiful, and also whatever anyone else thinks is beautiful

what do you love most about your body? if we’re talking about features then my eyes, but overall i’ve worked hard to get strong and i love how effortless everything feels now

best way to take a rest/decompress? lounging around and watching something, maybe with friends depending on my mood

favorite place to view art? i guess it depends on what type of art

if your life was a song, what would the title be? keep on

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano or saxophone

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? it would be small, just under my hairline on the back of my neck. but i would never get a tattoo anyway

dolphins or koalas? dolphins !!

what’s your spirit animal? i don’t think so

best gift you’ve ever received? probably books that i asked for

best gift you’ve given? i design a themed calendar for my best friend every year and she always really loves that, but also i did something very elaborate for my sister last christmas and she was laughing about it for weeks. the pieces are still arranged in a shrine in her room lol

what’s your favorite board game? clue, or trivial pursuit but only if it has a fun theme

what’s your favorite color? all of them!

least favorite color? there are no bad colors

diamond or pearls? pearls

drugstore makeup or designer? you could hand me one of each and i wouldn’t even know the difference

pilates or yoga? i’ve never done either so idk

coffee or tea? coffee but i like both

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? discombobulate, canoodle, phlegm

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? dark for sure

stairs or elevators? stairs, i hate elevators

summer or winter? both

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? just the thought of that makes me tired of every single food in existence lol

a dessert you don’t like? anything fancy

a skill you’re working on mastering? life drawing and general storyboarding stuff, for school and career purposes

best thing to happen to you today? the clone wars finale :((((

worst thing to happen to you today? also the clone wars finale :((((

best compliment you’ve ever received? a few of my friends have told me that i always know exactly what to say, and that makes me happy bc i try very hard to understand them and be what they need so i’m glad it pays off

favorite smell? pine trees and snow on the air, but also sunscreen and the sea

hugs or kisses? hugs

if you made a documentary, what would it be about? honestly it would be about star wars, but specifically george lucas and his vision and how the unique position the franchise is in, where multiple authors and creators are contributing to it at any given time + the disney rebranding + the fact that star wars fans have always seemed to adamantly want to discard lucas’ original intent has led to the way fan circles view star wars now and how wildly different those views can be from what lucas intended

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? the clone wars finale lol

lipstick or lipgloss? lipgloss

sweet or savory? savory

girl crush? natalie portman

how do you know you’re in love? i’ve only been in love once and it was a very fledgling thing but it was like, they’re always on your mind, seeing them is simultaneously like there’s no ground under your feet and also like there’s no oxygen in the room, and being with them makes you insane just the same as not being with them makes you insane

a song you can listen to on repeat? right now, youth by glass animals, but it always changes

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? definitely no one! my life is like a well organized library (even if maybe some books are missing or damaged lol) and i would hate to be dropped into an unsorted pile of books and have to organize all over again

what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? well real life is kind of on hold but my cousins and i just merged our quarantine circles which is a lot of fun so there’s that lol

this is long so i’ll just tag a few: @yensofrivia @daenerystargaryes @elizabethswcnn @kristnbell ( feel free to ignore ofc ♡ )

#tag games #about me