#and c) talk about getting meds bc... shit's not getting easier and i think it might be a good idea to try those out after like flat out

[back2badhabits]

03/30/2023

Y’all I’ve lost 3 pounds since my last entry woooooo. I’ve been able to keep under 800 every day this week. I haven’t even eaten anything today yet.

I had my first in-person therapy appt yesterday where I intended to break up w my therapist using the excuse that my psychiatrist said I need a psychologist but she got mad and uh it didn’t end up happening. I’m seeing her again Monday.

I told her abt all the food stuff and mentioned that I wasn’t rlly looking to change it. She said she wasn’t worried bc I wasn’t like deathly thin and when I mentioned my bmi she said it was “good”. When I talked abt how I purged a few days ago bc I didn’t like the feeling of being full, she was kinda like “ah yeah, I get it” lol?

She also just like. Does not comprehend so many things. She doesn’t think I’m psychotic or schizo despite that being why I’m on the meds I’m on, despite the delusions, despite the hallucinations. She just doesn’t understand a lot of Asian stuff and like will say things in just,,, not the nicest way. She got aggressive w me right after a long talk abt how react extremely negatively to any perception of aggression or anger. God. Idk what to do.

She thinks I wouldn’t qualify for hospitalization which is cool.

Oh, also, she thinks all this food issue stuff is more impulse mood-disorder issues than eating disorder issues which is. So cool. And I totally bet it’s because of my size ah hahah. Fuck.

Whatever. Whatever whatever whatever.

I have a massive beer in the fridge I want to find an excuse to drink but I also know that beer is like a shit ton of calories, ugh.

I wanna just keep fasting tbh but I know I can’t because I have to take my meds with food or it causes almost unbearable nausea. It’s so much easier to just fast and have nothing than it is to eat and restrict and try to make sure you don’t overeat.

I’m so tired dude.

03/31/2023

12:18 am

I just got off the phone with O a little while ago. I asked them and C to video call me while I cooked bc I was scared I might leave the stove on again or something, and I wanted to take my pill early since I have to be up early tomorrow for a passport photo appointment.

Yeah, so much for that.

I ended up throwing up after eating because I was so nauseous. I had about 615 calories before I did. I threw up about 1/4-1/3 of it so today’s cals are really like 489.

O found out and then asked how much I’d had all day. I told them what the number was before throwing up and they got super freaked out and yelled at wouldn’t let me finish my sentences and I cried and I just want to die. I used to think of such wonderful and fun and beautiful times whenever I thought of them but now I can’t look at them or think about them without hearing what they sound like yelling. I hate it. I bet now when they think of me, they only think of horrible things too.

I don’t know if I want to go back. When people yell here at least, I can go sit in my room and close the door and be with my stuff and drink to cope if I want. I can’t do that there.

I don’t feel safe with anyone anymore.

I’m so worried about C too. I gave them weight concern issues when I was there and they started restricting their eating and O keeps talking about my issues and my calories and stuff with them and I know that that must be all kinds of triggering but even when I say they shouldn’t and even when I try to imply it’s not something to discuss in front of them, they don’t listen. I don’t know what to do because O will be upset if I don’t tell them things but I don’t want to keep risking triggering C worse since this just becomes an inescapable lifelong thing.

Fuck everything dude, I want a coma.

#b2bhblog

[oh-no-whoopsie]

reasons I love kip!! (aka @ghostsingold) 

(making this post bc they deserve all the love and my meds have kicked in so im able to be productive today. thanks long-acting adderall!!) 

kip I love you for so many reasons and as I fill out college applications im gonna list them out <3 no special occasion its just! you make me happy and I wanted to share that with you and since I have a teeny blog no one will see this but you <3 

1.) this response to a post I made on my old blog. it was one of my first positive interactions on Tumblr and this tiny piece of writing made that entire week easier. it was a tiny start to a friendship and it was also a stranger caring for me, which at that time I didn’t think was possible. 

2.) every single time that they have been a part of the Brown Eye Stan Club and hyped up brown eyes,,,,dude I can’t you’ve been such a big part of the journey to accept my brown eyes. it means so much to me that you just? say it!! you’re proud of the fact you love brown eyes! hell yeah dude! thank you!

3a.) for sending me songs that remind you of me??? to have someone think of me?? MY HEART?? I- I can’t express how much it means to me I just,, hnnhhh you even made me a fucking playlist (which I listen to CONSTANTLY) (here is the playlist ) just. dude. I love you 

4.) one of those songs is Glitter & Gloss by Skott and 

          a) this song makes me feel like a fucking badass 

          b) made me feel so appreciated and loved because it was the first time someone had said “this song reminds me of you!” 

          c). when I was stalking your blog trying to find my old posts I found this post about that song and?? sunbeams through Spanish moss? trees? pretty?? is this how you see me?? im in love????? also this ask I sent you where you describe your love for the sun <3 the implication that I am even a little bit like the sun to you makes me wanna cry happiness 

5.) Your taste in music is SUPERB. IMPECCABLE. A DELIGHT. 

6.) Someday I will have the strength to do naniwrimo with you and that will be a glorious month (and next September we should be able to be writing buddies!!!!! because now I have meds for attention span so I can write again >:) ) 

7.) A long time ago (old blog) I asked for people to give me nicknames because I never got cute nicknames and because I could only ever insult myself. for the longest time I forgot what you said but I remembered!!!! it was birdie!!

          a). even though now most people call me doe cuz of bumblebee, you were the first person to reply to that post and just because milk suggested fawn/doe and it stuck doesn’t mean I love birdie any less 

          b.) it means a lot that you suggested it in the first place and while I was finding links for this post I came across this ask where you call me birdie :> p.s. you still mean a lot to me and I hope you’re okay <3 

8.) every single time you sent me a picture of a frog :),, also that one post about taking fake shots of water still sends me but I can’t find it to link it,, and also everything you listed on this post including the fact that it is inspired by my post

9.) when you agreed to talk to people for me when I was panicking thinking they were going to die but had to go to sleep. that means so much that you would take that role on and dude I am so so sorry I ever asked that of you. 

10). you made me find magic in the sunlight and not just the moonlight, you helped me find that balance and accept that piece of me and it sounds stupid but its really important ok also im just gonna say it: your voice is perfection it is comfort it is warm and all things good in this world. ive only heard you speak like twice but I could listen to you for the rest of my life

11.) sometimes you send me posts that r like “thinking of you!!” and THEY MAKE MY DAY omfg 

12.) when you drew me!!! 

          a.) bc holy shit you are an amazing artist if you let me I want to post that drawing of me on my blog

          b.) I was supposed to draw you in return I am sorry I did not,, I still plan on doing it tho 

          c.) we drew ourselves as fairies and that was pretty fun 

          d.) you made me see beauty in myself I- 

13.) for never once encouraging my ed or bad habits. you were ready to call me tf out and I appreciate that so much dude? you were never subtley pro you also seem ready to stab anyone who opposes you. hell you post callouts against pr0-ana shit and m**nspo and f*tspo and photoshop and all of it. I admire you so much 

14.) for letting me ramble on about hermes and offerings and spirituality! 

15.) for lighting a candle for Catherine and talking with me that night

(I have the entire conversation copied into a google doc on my phone because it needed to be saved. the things you said are beautiful. it is so touching and breathtaking and if I could hug you I would and  I promise not to forget if you won’t forget. )

16.) holy shit dude P O E T R Y, both for being so good at it and for reading mine. 

17.) helping validate my arospec questioning and enby questioning,,, it was actually through your blog that I realized oh shit! I might be aro!! and having someone to talk about gender issues and arospec stuff is SO AMAZING and I love you <3 and thank you for talking with me and for helping me and for validating me 

18) validating my anger!! or at least helping to do so! you point out when things are unfair! you genuinely want my life to improve! you helped me realize some of my friends are shitty! you helped me accept things! 

19.) I love your vibes. I can’t say this enough but somehow you are just so wonderful to me,,, you are amazing I can’t describe it. you are ethereal and terrific and your features could be anywhere from beautiful to cryptic to solid to handsome but I promise you that there is something unique about you. a bit of mystery and magic left over from the days when fairytales were real. you have all the power of the sun and light and fire in both the life giving and the destructive aspects. you are so perfect and wonderful thank you 

20.) because you told me “you do not deserve to be traumatized” and in all honesty that slapped me into reality. if i still had my old Tumblr I probably would’ve screenshotted it so I could get the exact quote but I do not know how to make you understand How Much That Helped me 

all in all,,,, I must end the list here because I need to go be productive. alas.there is more I didn’t even BEGIN to mention,,, but kip, you are my rae of sunshine. someday we are going to go be cryptic authors in Scotland who disappear into the woods, perhaps to hunt with the faeries, perhaps no, who knows. we will become part of the local lore,, independent and happy and spooky. 

I love you so much!  also sorry I went through your archive to find all this,,,, to be fair I already did it once to find my posts <3 

I would never say that just one person “saved me”. thats too big of a responsibility to share. but kip, you helped save me, in ways I can’t explain, from myself and from death and from an abyss of numbness. you saved me from a thousand tiny deaths and gave me a thousand new pieces of life and I would not be the person I am today without you. I love and appreciate you so much and you bring me sunlight and joy and peace and connection. you are a true friend to me. thank you for being here. you deserve the world and so much more. 

#i luv u kip #tw disordered eating #do not think I am a stalker I just really want you to feel appreciated atm #I love you!!!! with all of my being I love you! #and I want to be there for you like you are there for me

[master-sass-blast]

Aaaaand one more Q for the evening because I need to retire - if there are any thoughts or tidbits about Hyde/Katuna or Hannah/Luis or Dakota/Frank or Hadassah/Frank or Piotr/Reader that are currently floating your boat, I would love to hear them, if you’re so inclined!! Pls and thank you muchly!

I HAVE SOMETHING FOR ALL OF THEM, OML.

Going under a cut again bc I’m expecting this to get long. Trigger warning for discussion about suicide/self harm.

Hannah/Luis: (This is the one with the trigger warning, FYI.) Okay, so I’ve been thinking about the first time they get into bed together, and I think the set up will look something like this:

They go out to dinner together (on a date, because they’re already romantically involved at this point), and Luis picks up on that Hannah’s not herself; she admits that she’s been in a depressive episode as of late, but says she’s fine with staying out when he offers to take her back to her apartment because: A.) her therapist says she needs to not work on isolating herself, B.) if she’s going to be out, she’d rather be with Luis because he makes her happy, C.) she genuinely enjoys listening to him tell stories.

When they’re back at the car (post-dinner), Luis asks if Hannah’s depression ever makes her feel like hurting or killing herself (bc he’s worried about her, not bc he’s nosy). She says yes, admits that why she wears long sleeves all the time, then starts to roll up her sleeves to show him her scars. He stops her and says she doesn’t have to; she smiles and says she’s okay with it.

Luis kisses her scars. Just saying.

Luis drops her off at her apartment building, and is about to head back to his place when he spies a flower shop.

He gets her some daffodils, then asks to be buzzed in and tells her he “has something for her.” Hannah buzzes him in, he heads up, and gives her the daffodils when she opens the door, citing “yellow is a happy color and might help perk you up” (along with an entire ramble about how it’s okay if she doesn’t perk up, because different things work for different people, and everyone’s brains are different which is so cool, but that he thought of her when he saw the flowers and thought she might like them).

Hannah cuts him off with a kiss on the cheek, says he’s sweet, and invites him in for a cup of tea. They drink tea and talk, then Hannah winds up kissing him while crawling into his lap, and then I think you can see where it goes from there.

Hadassah/Frank: Okay, these two are my angsty couple. They’ve both gone through a ton of shit, they’re both kind of broken inside, and UNGH the angst comes so easily with them. Case in point:

I was working on developing the growth of their relationship, trying to figure out how they wind up having feelings for each other, and it occurred to me that they’d probably fight a lot.

Aside from being stubborn jackasses, Hadassah and Frank both have very different points of view on life, despite being very similar in a lot of ways.

Case in point: Frank burned down his family’s home and everything left in it at the end of DD S2. Hadassah basically sees this as insanity and an act of cowardice, partially because she thinks Frank is running from his own self-perceived failures, and also because having grown up Jewish, she knows all too well that you don’t just destroy things that belonged to people and constitute part of their memories, no matter how painful it is to look at any of it.

They wind up having an ugly fight about it because neither of them can see eye to eye --and also because Hadassah is very willing to get downright nasty about things when she thinks she’s right.

They also fight about when it’s acceptable to kill people. They both think that some people have to be taken out, but Hadassah’s also willing to put down arguable innocents to “keep their six clear” or women and children (think the “Black Sky” and Hand fighters from Daredevil) because an enemy is an enemy is an enemy.

She also thinks that Frank’s “metric” is just his way of trying to absolve himself from his own past with his unit, because black and white seldom truly exists with villains. There’s always family, or a kid that joined a gang to try and make ends meet, and at the end of it, Frank’s probably killing as many “innocents” as she does.

That’s another nasty fight where they wind up not speaking to each other for a bit (which is awkward, considering they’re both staying in the same place).

They do learn how handle each other, eventually. Frank concedes that Hadassah’s tactics keep them safer than his do, and Hadassah acknowledges that you can’t keep an entire trove of stuff when you’re on the run, especially since it makes you easier to identify if someone breaks into your place.

Dakota/Frank: Okay, fun fact: the sex-related dreams Frank has about Dakota act as the story’s tell for how he views her, and how those views are changing. Let me explain:

This idea came from the fact that I have lots of weird (sometimes sexual) dreams because of my meds. I figured since Frank’s been shot in the head and knocked around a bit, he’d be a good candidate for weird dreams, too.

Case in point, the first sex dream he has of her is after watching a match and interview with the rest of Curtis’s group. She plays the cocky brat for TV, and his dream about her is him basically fucking her into the mat and dominating her because her arrogance/behavior annoys him.

As he gets to know her better and realizes that her tics are for the cameras and act as armor, the sex dreams he (rarely) has about her morph away from hardcore, domination focused stuff and towards more equal, love making stuff.

I don’t know how to end this, bc that’s basically the whole thought.

LLAMAS.

Katuna and Hyde: Ah, my sweet babies. My sweet, sweet dorks.

Katuna and Hyde get married at the end of their story. It’s a small ceremony, just with friends and family, but they’re okay with that.

Katuna’s daughter (who is a master seamstress) makes her wedding dress.

Not wedding related, but Katuna and Hyde snuggle a lot. Katuna’s favorite move is to lay her head in Hyde’s lap and have him play with her hair.

They also do a lot of napping together. It starts with them just sleeping on their sides of the bed (before they’re an extremely close couple), but eventually Katuna just takes to nestling right up next to Hyde.

Piotr/Reader: Okay, not exactly what you asked for, but I wanna talk about some things I have planned for the CHC:

Four AU specials for when we hit the end of the series! There’ll be a Zombie Apocalypse one, a loosely based on Beauty and Beast one, a 3+1 (or however many I decide on) Soulmate one, and a Coffee Shop one!

We’re gonna do an Infinity War fic that’s basically gonna be nothing but highlighting powerful woman, and I for one am Pumped about it.

Children of the Gods. OKAY, this miniseries is my BABY for the CHC. I have been working on and perfecting this arc for almost a year. It’ll be a four parter, brings in Karen Page and Frank Castle, Greek mythology, Alexandra’s assassin past and Mafia connections, and UGH. It’s gonna be so good, guys, you have NO idea.

Two kidnapping fics that directly impact the Reader, one of which will be the closest I’ll get to writing horror.

The Wedding/Engagement minseries, which we are V Close to.

At least two more smut fics.

Yeah, lots of exciting stuff! Obvs, I didn’t go into too much detail because this post would literally be a mile long, and also because I do want there to be some surprises, but if you want to know more feel free to ask!

[learn-tastic]

Studying with Depression (Part 1)

Hi, my name is Depression, and I have jasmine. Just kidding, but that’s how it feels sometimes, like depression is who you are. It’s not. And you can’t let it take over your life like I did last semester.

I stopped going to class, doing homework, leaving my bed, and eating sometimes. I did essentially nothing all day. I hated my life. Ironically, my depression was caused by bad grades, which of course worsened. And I also have anxiety, so even when I was motivated to go to class again or to talk to/ email a professor, I was petrified to talk to them, to have a confrontation, to reach out. Through the help of a campus therapist, my academic advisor, my sister, my friends, and eventually my mother when I told my her about how bad I’d gotten (which pissed her the fuck off for the longest time but also she was worried about me), I determined that I should apply for a medical withdrawal for that semester (basically I got all W’s for my classes so my GPA wouldn’t drop. And wasted a semester’s worth of tuition). It was hard. I don’t recommend letting it get to that point. I actually ended up making mostly C’s, but my GPA was like a 1.5 I believe. For comparison, my GPA in highschool was a 6.6/ 6.0 (weighted).

TL;DR: Don’t be depressed it sucks for your GPA

Anyways, here are some tips for that bc I don’t really like the other posts I’ve seen on this sorta stuff.

1) Seek help.

The first step that helped me was to start seeing the campus therapist. If you don’t have one, see your advisor or go on your insurance’s website to see if they cover therapy/ to find someone who takes your insurance. Or if not that, tell a parent/ guardian/ sibling/ friend/ old teacher/ literally anyone who can help. I’ve even seen a lot of adds on instagram for counselors that you can text. This is the first most important step. 

If you think you may be medicated, see your regular doctor, that’s where I got my prescription. Eventually try to see a specialist (psychiatrist) but this helps you get back on track. It helped me to sit down and schedule my eye exam, dentist appointment, yearly check up, gyno appointment. I was taking care of my self. Which brings me to my next point...

2) Take care of yourself.

You are babysitting yourself. Kids have school, a bedtime, snacktime, homework and chores after school.

EG) When you wake up, wash your face, brush your teeth, take your meds/ vitamins (I actually got vitamins before I took antidepressants bc it helped me feel like I was actively taking care of the problem). Get dressed, shower if you have the energy or at least use dry shampoo or put your hair in a tight ponytail. Put effort into your appearance, whether this means getting a haircut you badly need, doing a facial, or doing your nails. You can do your brows, beat your face, or buy one new outfit/ jewelry/ whatever makes you happy (1 only bc I developed a bad shopping habit while depressed). Make sure you eat at least 2 or 3 times a day, and drink at least 1 glass of something with each meal. (of course eating 3 main meals with lots of fruits, veggies, fiber, and proteins and having snacks and drinking pure water and teas are recommended but people are assholes it’s hard for us sometimes and have small goals and then work yourself up). Kids like juice and dino- shaped nuggets and goddamn it so can you (but also don’t overeat bc that makes you feel like shit too don’t eat just garbage)Don’t drink or do drugs, bc depression and drugs/ alcohol do not fucking mix I STG. 

It helps to pretend like you have somewhere to go that isn’t school in the morning. Just roll out of bed, don’t log on, and just get ready whether it’s bare minimum or dressed to impress, but just do it and eat and go out

3) Go out

Go to class, or even if you don’t go to class get out of your damn room. Go to the smoothie place, the student center, the library, the campus park, anywhere on campus. get out of your room. Do something with friends. Change and deviate from your normal depressed state of dissociating into the void in bed or being online too long out binge watching. Or at least do it with a friend. Working out is great if you have the energy, especially as it scientifically helps with your mood and motivation.

4) Get a week long plan

You can’t fix your depression and school in a day. You need momentum. One thing I hated last semester was I felt like I never had enough clones to do all my things. I still agree, but I’ve gotten better. Do one day of light cleaning (putting things away- ish), one for actually cleaning (wiping, sweeping, mopping, vaccumming, scrubbing), one or two for laundry ( can either wash clothes or put them away, I never have energy for both), one for hella self care (take a shower you really need it, maybe a bath, mani- pedi, skincare, shave if you like, lotion, deodorant, perfume, sunscreen, floss and shit, light a candle, wear comfy clothes), one day to figure out a game plan (download apps, find websites, find tutoring services/ study groups, look at the syllabus and see what you can do to raise your grade, email teachers if you’re up for it, look into study strategies) and then maybe one day try to focus on MWF classes and another do TTh classes, or break it down however you like. Once your room and yourself and your clothes aren’t so nasty, it’s easier to keep it up. What’s hard for me is feeling overwhelmed.

5) Little goals, little wins

What helps me long term is the little wins. Focus on what you did right and how to improve, and don’t dwell on how you messed up. Going to 1 class is better than none. Or maybe you skipped classes but at least you worked out. Maybe you still didn’t shower but you called your sister and remembered to eat. Maybe you slept in late but now you went to bed early. Maybe you failed an assignment but at least you did it and got higher than a 0. Maybe you didn’t go to class but you went to the store. It’s a process and you start small but it gets better. Once you build up a momentum/ streak and start tackling little problems it’s less overwhelming and easier to stick to it and most importantly...

6) Forgive yourself

You will fuck up, it’s okay, literally it doesn’t matter, keep trying. Rome wasn’t built in a day; your life won’t change in a day either. Every one has bad days. Just work to make tomorrow a good one.

#depression #Study tips #studying #college #mental health #anxiety

[soap-brain]

oooo so i got tagged by both @elroymarvelous (something like a week ago i’m so sorry) and @greetings-from-the-suffer-puppet (yesterday :p) to do this alphabet questions thing! let’s go!!

a - age: 19

b - birthplace: düsseldorf, nrw (it’s in germany) (it’s the best city in germany) (95 olé)

c - current time: 11:38 am

d - drink you had last: some neat sparkling water, also i pretended to drink chips rings but they’re solid so idk whether that counts

e - easiest person to talk to: @greetings-from-the-suffer-puppet , cause we have somehow absolutely /no/ need for filters and we’ve talked about some things we would never, ever talk about with other people :D (hey ryn, remember the scintillating convo we had recently involving chrispy? good times) and also @loststarlight bc she’s a very bad person who got me into a ship and enables me to write fic for it and sends me unacceptable photo posts and totally made me watch doom!! which i didn’t want to do.. at.. all *sweats nervously and holds hand over pocket that’s def not bulging with karl pics... and bruce... and chrispy...*

f - favorite song: atm it’s a tie between sabotage by the beastie boys and ..... every time we touch by cascada (look, i’m technically a rock person, but sometimes it’s midnight, you’ve had about 5hrs of sleep every night, you know you have at least one more hour of super complicated chemistry to do, you’ve had a long ass day, you’re really hungry, just had a bowl of cereal and are fast approaching an ultra sugar high. what better to party with than that song??)

g - grossest memory: story time! during grades 9-12, i sometimes liked walking home instead of doing the hour long tram and bus ride. idk, it was a self reflection / relaxing thing, which i still kinda do. there was a short tunnel i had to go through. nothing scary, it was literally just the street and a pavement on each side, it was short, well lit, in an okay neighborhood, there were frequently people around etc. so really, really, not scary / gross. one day i’m walking and i see a guy of maybe my age coming towards me ahead of me, so i go to one side of the pavement, while he goes to the other, i’m doing the staring ahead thing which will morph into a lightning quick checking the other person over thing once we pass each other. it’s a thing i do. so  we’re just about to pass each other, and he pushes up his tee shirt (it was summer/spring) and ... there’s just... his erection. which he consciously shows to me. and he says something which i didn’t hear cause i’m listening to music, but i do physically recoil a little, my shoulder brushes the tunnel wall but i keep walking, pretending nothing happened, and i remember thinking to myself “the fact that you know now that you won’t believe yourself later that you didn’t make this up is the only thing that’ll make you believe it really happened.”, and just because i know i thought that then already, i believe myself that i didn’t make it up cause man, i kinda wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. and that’s the story of the first ever real life erection i saw! yay! now you know things about me you didn’t want to know!

h - horror yes or no: noooooo pls i get scared easily. even bad horror movies (ie doom) can scare me a bit. esp jumpscares??? the worst imo

i - in love?: nah. never been, either *shrug emoji*

j - jealous of people?: klasjdlfjasdlf i get really jealous of how people manage to socially interact with such ease?? and just... talk to other people and aren’t awkward and make friends?? a wild concept

k - killed someone?: ok so i know we should all either answer something cool and quirky or no!! of course not!! but i have a story. (fuck ok now y’all think i actually killed a person. disclaimer: i didn’t. but i was close) ok so i was doing my three months mandatory nurse work for studying medicine, and around the second month there was this old lady (93yo i think), who’d just gotten i think a new hip? and before her op she was surprisingly mobile with her walking frame and just really cute and chipper and also scared of her op. afterwards, she went to the icu, as was scheduled bc she was so old, and and then she got back to her regular station, and she was slowly but surely learning how to sit up and stand up again and then also walk. she had major pain problems  and her leg had gotten stiff, but she really was a champ, and i really liked her. also, to make some infusions (ie pain meds) easier, she’d gotten a central venous catheter, ie a catheter into the vein right at the bottom of her neck. and then it was time to take it out bc she’d gotten so much better, and there was a doctor there and i was just doing some work or something in the same room (i think we just got done helping the patient dress), and the doctor knew i wanted to study medicine, so she asked me whether i wanted to take it out with her help. i said yes, and then the doctor got a call and took it and told me to go ahead and detach the iv drip line from the catheter. which i did. then i waited for the doctor to finish her call to tell me the next step. she was done just as the patient started feeling faint and started to lose feeling in the arm on the side the central venous catheter was in. long story short, she was rushed to the icu again, because what i didn’t know was that you had to close the catheter, and i’d essentially pulled off the stopper as well, and she ended up having no blood in certain parts of her brain, which i think ended up as a terminal condition for her. she lived, but she had a very, very hard time getting better again and i think she never fully recovered. so. yeah. that’s my story on how i almost killed a person.

l - love at first sight or should I walk past again?: definitely walk past again :D looks and mannerism can be very deceiving

m - middle name: inge brigitte

n - number of siblings: 2

o - one wish: to get my shit together lmao

p - person i called last: i think my dad?? about photoshop?

q - question you’re always asked: probably about my one weird tooth maybe? or what i did between school and uni 

r - reason to smile: getting messages / people willingly interacting with me, horses, when life is going good, when i can be proud of myself for a reason, when there’s music making me feel good things, star trek

s - song you last sang: i don’t sing. i’d sometimes like to, but i feel too awkward cause i’ve been told that i can’t sing at all, so like...

t - time you woke up: 6:47 am the first time, then sometime around 8

u - underwear color: white

v - vacation: this probably ties in with all the “places you wanna visit” ask games, so the answer has to be most of europe, northern america, iceland, australia, parts of asia, parts of africa, space, berlin

w - worst habit: picking at my skin.... and procrastinating!

y - your favorite food: well my fave meal would be garlic bread, a medium steak with fries and beans and either lava cake or crème brûlée for dessert, along with an apple martini; but my fav normal food would be spaghetti bolognese and ... chocolate-y sweets (and truffles. oh boy i want some truffles now)

z - zodiac: libra

i’m tagging @loststarlight, @chameleon-kirk, @bottomkirk, @mccoysbi, @lieutenant-sapphic, @trappist-1p and everyone else who wants to do this!! esp all my new followers - if you wanna do this, tag me so i can get to know y’all!!

#captains log #tag games

[catchsukiyuuri]

little rant bc i can’t talk to anyone else

tw: suicide mention i guess. i’ve never attempted i just think about it. also anxiety, depression, and sex mentions 

anyway that was probably unnecessary bc i know no one reads anything i post but i just wanted to vent a little and i don’t know who i can talk to. 

i bet all these complaints will sound petty to everyone because in theory my life should be perfect, so i get a lot of shit about how i should be grateful and how my problems are so first-world or whatever. they are, i know, so if you want to tell me that, please don’t... i don’t really need it right now. or actually, if you told me that, i’d probably be happy that someone read through one of my posts??? 

now it just sounds like i’m an attention-wh*re, which i am, so i can’t even deny it 

anyway i’ll make a nice numbered list for easier reading 

1. i’m a freshman in college in the US 

2. i was rejected from every school i applied to, save 2: a school more expensive than it’s worth, and my safety: the state school that everyone at my competitive high school considered “safety”

3. in reality it’s not a bad school, and i got a decent scholarship 

4. according to a chart i found of SAT score to scholarship, based on my SAT score i should have gotten a higher scholarship and that makes me salty even if my scholarship was decent 

5. i’m about to lose my scholarship because i don’t think i did well enough this semester 

6. (i could rant about my classes here... but i won’t to save some space) 

7. my parents and older brother (who essentially is like a third parent due to our age gap) will give me a lot of shit for losing my scholarship 

8. i have trouble being interested in course material and the one thing i wanted to learn was environmental science (which my parents shit on me for, but that’s another story) 

9. i took 2 environmental courses this semester and didn’t do well enough in them, and i wasn’t interested in them, so i guess i’m not interested in anything 

10. not only am i not interested, i’m generally just a not-interesting lump. i have no party tricks or fun facts and icebreakers fucking suck 

11. my high school friends all still talk to each other on a daily basis, but not to me 

12. high school friend A goes to the same school as me and lives in the same dorm building as me. high school friend B goes to school across the country and these two friends still talk all the time (one of them told me on the rare chance we talked). friend A pretty much never talks to me despite the fact we live in the same building. 

13. high school friend C goes to the same school as my long distance boyfriend. she visited my school once without telling me and went partying with friend A 

14. i have never been to a party or had alcohol or any drugs. i know that it’s not for everyone, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, whatever. part of me still feels like i’m missing out. sometimes i want to get wild, but i don’t want to do anything that would make my bf unhappy 

15. to be clear: bf says it’s ok if i go to parties, i just don’t want to do anything wrong. 

16. i have been diagnosed with anxiety/depression. i was in intensive outpatient care for about 2 months. i am taking medication. 

17. the facility i went to said i would not be charged any money and that my insurance covered everything. they are now sending bills to my parents’ house

18. my parents fight a lot and that’s another problem of its own. they always seem like on the edge of divorce 

19. my bf does not understand anxiety/depression. he is not good at listening to me and i can’t even critique him bc he doesn’t believe me and thinks he’s already being fair. he makes me feel selfish for not thinking about our future together and the future family we’ll have, etc etc, for burdening him and worrying him with my suicidal thoughts. he asks things like aren’t i cured yet, should i just take more medication, i have to stop venting about my suicidal thoughts because it’s manipulative and i’m threatening him 

20. i really just wanted to vent, that’s all. i’m sorry. everything eventually turns into i’m sorry, and i’ve brought up him being manipulative before but he has a way of turning me into being in the wrong every time 

21. i can’t tell anymore if i’m wrong, he’s wrong, what’s right what’s wrong, anything. 

22. i tried to express wanting a female best friend to my bf and he’s just kinda brushing off my concerns, saying he never had a friend like that, that i’ll find friends better than my hs friends in college 

23. but it’s been a year of college and finding friends is hard, especially people that jive with me bc i’m kinda just a depressed little shit. 

24. whenever i complain about schoolwork to bf he can’t sympathize because he’s in med school and his work is so much harder, so it just devolves into me comforting him. then later he’ll apologize and say he was just touchy from not sleeping etc 

25. i had vaginismus and that severely depleted my self esteem for a while. i felt worthless and less than human.

26. i just want a really close friend who i can talk to about everything without being judged. my boyfriend judges me for suicide. my current friends would judge me about sex. no one can help me feel better about my grades. my brother wants to be there for me, but he judges me too and tells me off for not being a better daughter to my parents. 

27. i’ve talked to a few friends in hs about everything before, but they eventually cut me off and i have to switch to another person to burden 

28. i don’t mind comforting people too. i know i’m not the best at it bc i’m not good at anything but i would gladly comfort someone for some comfort in return 

29. i just want to be a Good Person (TM) 

30. sometimes ppl will say i can talk to them about anything, but we don’t really talk on a regular basis and i don’t want to burden them with all my stupid shit. 

31. i do have a therapist but she’s pretty old and i’ve told her about most things except i can’t fully articulate my undying love for yuri on ice and that’s like, core to my existence ever since i watched it

32. i’ve been so desperate for friends i’ve messaged a few random people on tumblr trying to talk to them and make internet friends. i’m really jealous of people who have large networks of internet friends and seem close to internet people and then meet them irl or whatever. people who say they’re married to each other and stuff. that feels even more precious than a romantic relationship (and i’m afraid to tell this to my bf, who would probably feel betrayed) 

33. i’m so shitty at life i can’t even make internet friends? wow :,) 

anyway thanks for reading if you somehow got this far. i hope you have a wonderful day!!!

#tw: suicide mention #me irl i guess #tw: anxiety #tw: depression #tw: sex

[buckaroo-blue]

50 Questions:

I was tagged by @wonderlandmind4 :)

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?

-Black and green

2. Name a food you never eat?

-I’m “picky” aka have food OCD, so that’s a lengthy list lol. Some big no-go’s are mushrooms and asparagus. 

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

-I’m ALWAYS warm. 

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

- Playing pool on my phone, listening to the top songs of 2004, and drinking a seltzer.

5. What is your favourite candy bar?

-Twix or bueno bars!! 

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game?

-Yes! I’ve gone to see the Seattle Storm, the Sonics (back when they were ours!!), the Sounders, and the Mariners. 

7. What is the last thing you said out loud?

- “Ow.” I smacked myself in the face with a bowl when I went to funnel Fritos into my mouth........

8. What is your favourite ice cream?

- I’m the person that gets cotton candy or bubble gum lol. But I do really like coffee Oreo or anything caramel!

9. What is the last thing you had to drink?

- A Smirnoff raspberry rosé seltzer. They’re pretty sweet, but tasty nonetheless. 

10. Do you like your wallet?

- Yes! I’ve been a sucker for Coach since I was little, and even as my taste has evolved (read: gotten significantly more expensive), I always like to have a Coach wallet. Right now I have a dusty blue croc “skin” trifold that serves me well!

11. What was the last thing you ate?

-Fritos, before I smacked myself in the face with the bowl. 

12. Did you buy new clothes last weekend?

- No, but I bought a lamp! And I found some old Barnes and Nobles gift cards and ordered a book. But I work in retail, so I usually say yes to this question lol.

13. The last sporting event you watched?

-XFL. I wanted to be a Seattle Dragons fan, and I’m so bummed about the league folding.

14. What is your favourite flavour of popcorn?

-I’m not a huge popcorn fan, but I do love it when it’s chocolate-coated. Otherwise just a shit ton of butter. *WAIT NO, I lied. My neighbor makes this insane curry powder popcorn and it’s to die for.

15. Who is the last person who sent a text message to?

-Last person I messaged? @princesszorldo. Last person I texted? My dad (who is upstairs haha) to congratulate him in 27 years living in the United States.

16. Ever go camping?

- Kind of. I’ve never done the full on “tent on a camp site or in the woods”, but I’ve camped out in tents on retreats and I’ve gone to sleep away  camp.

17. Do you take vitamins?

-I ought to. I take a liquid multi and calcium sometimes, but I’m on so many meds that I have an aversion to taking pills when I don’t absolutely need to.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

- I used to. That’s a tricky subject for me, but I usually respond to religion with “I’m a Christian, but I don’t support institutionalized religion and the modern Christian church doesn’t widely reflect what I value and see the faith to be about”.

19. Do you have a tan?

- I’m half Filipino, so yeah. lol. BUT I like to joke that being half means that I get melanin for half of the year only. It’s a pretty drastic difference if you met me in August vs February.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

- Chinese! I love noodles!! But pizza is a pretty close second. 

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

- I’m not a big soda drinker, but I LOVE straws. I always have a reusable straw in my bag.

22. What colour socks do you usually wear?

- Usually white, but black if I’m working or going somewhere nice.

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?

- Not really. But I don’t really drive. I live right in the city and it’s so much easier to bus or take ride share. I’ve been able to drive since I was fifteen, but I got my license at nearly twenty-one. And I don’t have a car. I actually *hit* another car during my drive test and played dumb and the lady still passed me! Soooooo, I don't drive over the limit by way of I don't really drive. But I probably would if I drove more.

24. What terrifies you?

-Not being understood. Moths. The concept of eternity. 

25. What do you left, what do you see?

-Myself in my dresser mirror. I just cleaned my room, so my dresser top is clean!

26. What chore do you hate the most?

- I don’t like to clean the bathroom. But I do like to clean, so it’s not awful.

27. What do you think of a when you hear an Australian accent?

- @princesszorldo lol. And H2o

28. What’s your favourite soda?

-My friends tell me that orange Hi-C doesn’t count, but it does to me. I also like a nice lil Coca Light when I’m in Europe. I’m sure they have a different formula bc it just hits different.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive?

- Drive-Thru!!! I hate getting out of the car if I don’t have to.

30. What’s your favourite number?

-16 bc I was born on the 16th.

31. Who’s the last person you talk to?

- Lol @princesszorldo. She’s basically the only person that I’m in regular communication with who I can stand right now.

32. Favourite cut of beef?

- I’m not a big beef person! I mostly eat white meats (CHIMKEN) if I eat meat. 

33. Last song you listen to?

- Gravity by John Mayer. 

34. Last book you read?

- I’m gonna say “The Siren” by Emmagnetised, but for a book-book I’m rereading Dune bc I’m excited for the movie!

35. Favourite day of the week?

-Friday! I miss happy hour and bar hopping. And dancing. And ditching my friends without saying anything bc I’m done with them and going for a hot dog at the good food cart by the Shell station.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

- I learned in 7th grade bc I was being bullied and that’s what I would do to distract myself in class. But now it’s a cool party trick!

37. How do you like your coffee?

-COFFEEEEEEE. I take it lots of ways. If I’m camping or need something asap? Drip with half and half, and with honey and cinnamon if there’s any. At home? Stok cold brew with hazelnut creamer. On my way to and from work? Usually an iced vanilla latte or an iced white mocha. 

38. Favourite pair of shoes?

- My blue crocs. Or I have some baby pink Swedish Hasbeen clogs that I love! Or my maroon docs. But I wear my Sam Edelman pointy-toed booties the most bc I’m “highly encouraged” to wear heels to work.

39. Time you normally get up?

-For work? Between 6:30 and 7:30am. Lately? Noon. And that’s on narcolepsy and quarantine, periodt.

40. What do you prefer sunrise or sunset?

- Sunset bc I’m actually awake lol.

41. How many blankets on your bed?

- Two. I sleep with just a weighted blanket, but I have a duvet on the half of my bed that I don’t sleep on.

42. Describe your kitchen plates?

- Lol what. They’re blue. From Costco. I don’t like the size range that the set came in, but whatever. 

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment?

- There are sugar ants coming from somewhere, so a lot of our food is sitting on the dining room table lol. Fun fact! Pam spray kills those fuckers on sight. My mother isn’t happy that I figured that out.

44. Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink?

- Vodka tonics, usually. I love cider and seltzers. I’m a big tequila fan, but I’ve got to commit to that. I can’t have beer bc gluten hates me, and I can’t have Jäger anymore bc living in Prague funneled way too much of that shit through my esophagus, 

45. Do you play cards?

- I love games, but especially cards! Nerts, BS, speed, spoons.... I pick up new random games all the time, but those are some favorites.

46. What colour is your car?

- What car? If I had one it would be orange and obnoxious. Probably a Subaru Outback bc Seattle tings.

47. Can you change a tire?

- Bruh. After all of that do I sound like someone who can change a tire?

48. Your favourite state?

- WASHINGTON. Oregon and California get honorable mentions, though. I want to like New York, but I haven’t been. I feel like I would like Massachusetts, too. I’m fond of Texas, but that’s a complicated love lol.

49. Favourite job you’ve had?

- I like my current job (finally)! I’m a bridal stylist, and while there were some people on staff that were tough, I love working with brides and I was excited to learn that I quickly became one of the top sellers on my team!

50. How did you get your scar?

- Right wrist is from when I burned myself on the toaster oven when I was five. Left wrist from when Elly scratched me on the playground in third grade and the front office lady wouldn't let me go to the nurse bc she was friends with Elly’s mom and said “that’s what I deserved”. Left knee.....definitely not from falling after a night out.... Lots of old keloid scars on my ears from piercings. I had a cyst removed and that bad boy did not heal up nicely. Lovely. I mostly sprain and break things, though.

@princesszorldo here’s something to do while in quarantine lol