#and being severely mentally ill and traumatized like who the fuck wants to deal with that

[jaskierx]

[CW for discussion of severe mental illness (PTSD) and suicide]

I want to add my perspective to the conversation about canyon people picking and choosing which disability rep is worth telling. It’s really offensive to me because I’m mentally disabled so it feels like these people are glossing over the mental illness rep in the show.

I hesitate because i do not want to seem like I’m chastising people for acknowledging the physical disability rep. OFMD has better physical disability rep than any show I’ve seen, while I’ve seen many shows with mentally ill characters. I also do not want to give credit where credit is not due, because ultimately these characters don’t have any diagnosed mental disabilities. However, I don’t think that that subtracts from the representation because 1)the show obviously takes place before many mental health diagnoses that we have now did,2) even if those diagnoses did exist, the crew would not be able to access them, and 3) I think the show is clearly trying to tell us that characters are suffering from PTSD, or at the very least struggling to process a traumatic event, they just don’t have the words to describe it as such.

Many characters exhibit what would today be classified as symptoms of a psychiatric disorder. In this fandom we often joke about that, especially Ed’s (which is more than okay), but I also want to appreciate the way that season 2 deals with the trauma of the kraken era. They freak out and have flashbacks over blindfolds and birthday cakes because of what they’ve been through. They have interpersonal conflicts due to differing ways of processing the trauma and not seeing eye to eye on each others own unique experience (Lucius and Pete come to mind). Lucius takes up smoking to cope with the pain. Ed dissociates (I think, because he doesn’t remember wanting to have a talent show) and is literally suicidal, first passively (“you mean curl up into a ball and die?”) and then actively (the whole storm thing). He also turns to using drugs to self medicate.

Anyway sorry for the novel I just wanted to add my perspective because this show means a lot to me as someone who’s mentally disabled and I want to know if anyone else with a mental disability feels the same/differently.

no don't apologise this is a really good point!

i've posted about it a few times and so has glam and several other people whose links i don't have to hand but the depiction of ed's mental illness and his suicidality is fucking spot on and the show absolutely deserves all the praise it gets for that

especially because it's quite possibly the first show i've ever seen that depicts suicidality in a way that manages to be accurate without being pitying and manages to be hopeful without romanticising the issue. the show brings ed to his lowest point and then shows him being helped to come back from that by people who love him. it tells us that there's always a way for things to get better and that you can get there by yourself but it's easier if you have help, and it tells us that this help is available because there is always going to be someone waiting for you even if you doubt that. it never shows ed as 'cured'. it never shows stede being angry with ed for his symptoms. when lucius suggests that ed might just be 'broken', stede very quickly shuts him down and the show makes it clear that the narrative is on stede's side here.

and all of this just doesn't get brought up by izzy stans. discussion of mental illness portrayal tends to be one of the following:

ignoring ed's arc altogether to focus on izzy's suicide attempt and his 'i want to go' line while he's on his deathbed (and in a massively different place to where he was in s2e2) and using this to pretend that the show's message is 'disabled queer people deserve to die' (yes unfortunately this is a take i have seen with my own two eyes)

writing ed's arc off as an example of 'magic dick' and using this to pretend that he was fine as soon as he got stede back

ignoring ed's arc completely and instead insisting that he's a violent serial killer and abuser with anger issues who traumatised the crew and will inevitably physically abuse stede and kill all their inn's customers

ignoring all portrayals of mental illness completely because they will deliberately downplay the disability of every other disabled character in order to centre izzy

the canyon will bend over backwards to centre izzy and to view the entire show through a lens where he is their longsuffering protagonist who can do no wrong and it's led them to ignore so much of what makes the show great

#sorry i wrote you a novel in return lmao #asks #anon #the izcourse #fandom critical #cw suicide #cw suicidal ideation #lyse.jpg

[lime1991]

My dsmp Tubbo and Tommy canons (I can do whatever I want and these are canon facts to me)

Tubbo:

-smoked cigarettes a lot during the Schlatt administration to get away from all of the… everything. Fundy was the one who started this for him.

-hates alcohol because of Schlatt and Wilbur. Before being part of Schlatt’s cabinet he had to deal with Wilbur being drunk and mentally ill too.

-is Wilbur’s adopted brother, calls Phil by his name instead of “dad” even though he was literally raised by him. Also doesn’t call Wilbur his brother unless it’s brought up in some way.

-Tommy is his best friend. He is Tommy’s favorite person. Their conversations are very monotone.

-has breathing problems due to smoking. Has tried to quit, but can’t. Instead smokes weed every so often because it’s better than nicotine.

-has bipolar disorder, when he’s manic he wakes up at 5 am and does yard work. When he’s depressed, he can’t get out of bed for days. He knows he’s bipolar, many people do, but it still was a reason his marriage fell apart (not his fault)

-he did not get custody of Michael when he and Ranboo divorced, because he didn’t fight for it because doesn’t think he can really raise a child with all his personal issues (in a “I would never have kids because I’m too mentally ill and traumatized” way)

-bonded with Quackity during the Schlatt administration, is maybe the only one who knows to what extent Quackity was fucked up by Schlatt. They have a weird relationship that’s similar to a mother and son. Don’t question it.

-I’m a fan of dadschlatt so in my brain Tubbo is Schlatt’s biological son, and they only find this out when they’re working together and Schlatt grills him on his family history and it strangely matches up with that one time Schlatt decided to leave the girl he accidentally impregnated and fully skip town. So when Schlatt and Quackity get married Quackity is basically Tubbo’s stepmom.

-he and Wilbur are like 12 years apart, when Fundy is born, Wilbur is 20. When Fundy and Tubbo meet for the first time, Fundy is 8 and Tubbo is 16. And, yes, Tubbo went to live with Wilbur when he turned 16 for reasons and was like “Wil who the fuck is this child” and Wilbur is like “oh that’s my daughter” ???

Tommy:

-trans girl.

-met Wilbur before she met Tubbo. They lived in the same place. When Tubbo went to live with Wilbur he was immediately bombarded by a strange hyperactive fifteen year old.

-Tommy’s parents left her. She didn’t believe that they did at first, but they did. (By the way I’ve decided L’Manburg was a commune) Because her parents have left her alone on the commune, she’s sort of raised by all of the adults and herself. This is how she knows Wilbur.

-has bpd and severe abandonment issues. Originally attached herself to Wilbur before meeting Tubbo and becoming close with him. During the Pogtopia era, Tommy goes insane and completely attaches herself to Wilbur again.

-When Wilbur dies during war, Tommy’s whole personality switches and instead of being majorly depressed she pretends that it didn’t happen and stays completely delusional for like a month.

-during Exile, she had time to think about herself and her identity and it’s when she comes out to herself as trans. Dream is also the first person she actually comes out to. And I can’t decide if Ghostbur is a hallucination or not, but Tommy doesn’t know either it’s ok.

-very delusional. Like, schizophrenic. Genuinely believed during Exile that Dream was her best friend and wasn’t like beating her and destroying her stuff every single day. Dream doesn’t understand if she’s being serious when she’s like “hi bestie” so he keeps doing worse and worse wondering how much it’ll take to break her.

-gets therapy and takes antipsychotics now. Always brings up the stories of the wildest delusional episodes she’s ever experienced. During exile she was certain she had like 5 girlfriends at once.

-when she ends up trapped in jail with Dream she almost kills herself before Dream does it for her. The pain of being trapped with him again was worse than emotional. Worse than ptsd.

-has complicated feelings towards Quackity, will never forget the time she watched him and Schlatt argue. She’d never heard a “loving couple” sound that angry before. Though she doesn’t know every little detail about the relationship.

#dream smp #dsmp #clingyduo #cclingyduo #tommyinnit #Tubbo #there are definitely more but I was just throwing out ten for both of them

[impunkster-syndrome]

actually people are allowed to set whatever boundaries they want on their blog. some people have conflicting accessibility needs. a person with visual impairment may need the lights really bright, an autistic person may find this overstimulating & need to go elsewhere. that doesn't make any need any less valid, it just means they need different things. same with people who don't want to interact with systems for whatever reason. some people have anxiety that gets triggered by talking to too many people at once. some people are schizospec & need to stay away from systems because they spark specific delusions (me!). some people have disabilities or mental illnesses that make it impossible to keep track of that many people in one body so they say not to interact so they don't accidentally disrespect anyone. some people have brain injuries or intellectual disabilities that prevent them from even understanding what a system is so they say dni to make their online safe space less confusing or (in some cases) hostile. some people have their own ptsd, & are uncomfortable being around others with severe trauma because it reminds them of their own experiences & triggers them. there are so many reasons why someone may not want to interact with systems to preserve their own well-being. some people have traumatic memories tied to specific pieces of media, so they want to stay away from introjects from said media to avoid being triggered & to avoid disrespecting the introject. it isnt ableism, it's a conflict of needs. nobody is obligated to disclose their reason for not wanting to do something, no means no. & in this case, it's no systems. the best part of tumblr is how customizable it is, with blockable tags & the like. you dont have to interact with people who upset you. they dont want you to interact with them either. just leave each other alone & everyone will be better off. & btw, please tag your posts about DID/OSDD with something to do with DID, OSDD, systems, or plurality so people who have the tags blocked dont get your posts in their feed.

Anon, go fuck yourself. Seriously. I'm not going to tag my fucking existence as a system which is out of my control so others will avoid me. That's on you to protect yourself and avoid systems. My posts about plurality are tagged properly.

Bitch I'm fucking reeling from finding alice in wonderland type of programming at 4 AM. If the fucking existence of people with trauma being around you is triggering, remove yourself from that space. You don't get to go to a tag for people commonly called "mad" which has significant overlap with plurality and trauma and demand people there tag their existence for your comfort. It's a fucking political movement. Deconstruct your comfort ableism dear god.

How do you enforce this offline then? You fucking can't. Expecting people to trigger tag their existence for you contributes to stigma of those conditions and is so fucking entitled.

Guess what! I'm fucking psychotic (reclaimed) and deal with anxiety. That would never, ever make it less ableist for me to do that.

The fucking existence of someone else is not a conflicting need with accessibility. That is entirely on you to use tags and content filtering.

Go fuck yourself, I have every right to be angry and upset with your ableism.

On second read, you don't seem to understand that frequently not all people in a system speak at once. Please go fucking educate yourself. Not all systems cofront or are coconscious.

#the blackbox askbox #madpunk #comfort ableism #ableism #Implying that system members are less real with big number counts #Trying to use exotrauma hypervigilance as an excuse to be shitty to people #Implying that disabled people need to be coddled by other disabled people and can't protect themself #Wow anon you're a whole mess of ableism aren't cha

[queerasflux]

So I've been struggling real bad with working through some old childhood trauma, and my therapist asked me to sit down and write down everything my mother did to me that was just like, Objectively Not Okay- and jesus christ. I always just sort of assumed that like, yeah, my mom wasn't the most perfect mom, but she was doing her best and meant well.

then I just... couldn't stop writing. and the more I wrote, the more I realized that hey, this was straight up abusive. not just "made a few mistakes but generally well-meaning as a parent" but like honest to god "what the fuck is wrong with you and why would you do that to a child" shit, and I'm just so angry and I don't know where to put it.

I'm tired of people telling me that I must forgive/give my mother some slack, because she's my mom and she was also traumatized and "did her best"- as if being traumatized is a free pass to abuse others, or that it somehow negates the emotional and mental toll it took on me to be raised by someone like her.

I'm angry that I can't even confront her about these things, because she will immediately either get defensive/aggressive at me, or will invalidate it (it wasn't that bad/wasn't as bad as what her mom did/she didn't mean it that way), or hop up on the pity potty and want to be comforted that yeah, even though she severely abused her child, she's not a bad mom, right?

Really just struggling with things rn. List under cut, because I think other people should also be aware this shit is Not Okay, and because I'm tired of covering up for my mother's bad behavior, and not being allowed to talk about it or how it hurt me because of how it may reflect on her.

A (very) abridged and generalized list of shit my mom has done that was straight up fucked up and abusive and Not Okay that I was convinced was "not that bad" for literal decades.

Beat the shit out of her autistic kid having meltdowns, joked years later about "beating the autism" out of me, never got me tested for autism/ADHD/any other neurodivergency, I had to get diagnosed myself at 28

stayed married to a man that was not only physically abusive, but who she (rightfully!) suspected of being a pedophile

constantly ripped her children from places once they'd established friendships/finally settled in at school with no warning, apology, support system, or any way to contact old friends

when her child who is very smart starts struggling very badly in school (for above reasons and also because she was drinking heavily and was too busy partying to help her kid), decides the best option is not to get the kid tested/help in school, but to simply scream at them that they're just like their abusive father

medically neglects her children- one of whom didn't get glasses until they were 13 and had a note sent home from school. same kid becomes partially deaf in ear later due to medical neglect, and eventually ends up with several disabilities as an adult from things that could have been prevented or mitigated from childhood

repeatedly put children in the path of her own abusive mother, who she knew and described as abusive, and who she knew (commented on and joked about!) was targeting one of her children specifically

when I get depressed over that, and come to her asking for help because I'm suicidal, she proceeds to mock me for (actual quote) "needing [my] mommyyyyyyy", does not get me into therapy

despite never getting her children treatment for their own mental illness or being someone they could confide in, perfectly able and willing to use her children as free therapists, from as young as 6 years old.

constant breaches of trust/privacy- instead of simply talking to children or listening to them when they have a problem, she decided to simply read journals, chats/emails, anything private, then becomes angry when confronted.

The first two times I came out to her, she just ignored it because she didn't want to have to deal with it and thought I would just drop it

The third and final time I came out, she said I was mutilating my body, that my fiance would stop loving me and no one else would ever want me, and that I was holding her hostage/betraying her.

again, the most generalized/abridged version of what she's done, and seeing it all down just... disgusts and enrages me. this is not okay behavior. this is child abuse, emotional abuse, just sickening behavior in general, and this whole time I've been making excuses. Because I was taught/told that I "had to understand" because she had been traumatized, so that somehow made my own trauma acceptable? Because she wasn't as bad as her mother, I was expected to praise her and never hold her accountable for her behaviors and actions. I am expected to give her kudos and a gold medal for meeting the bare minimum of food/shelter, as if that's not the absolute bare minimum that doesn't get your kids taken away, and that animals in the animal kingdom do without any sort of celebration every day. a leopard doesn't get a mother's day card for feeding her cubs, she has to do that or they fucking die.

I'm just angry, and I need to get it out somewhere. I am sure this will be eventually seen/found by my sister, and like, sorry buddy but I can't be quiet any more, and I'm not making excuses for her any more. She was abusive. Is abusive. And I don't have to put up with it any more.

#flux's bullshuit #cw child abuse #cw emotional abuse #cw medical neglect #personal #you don't get a medal for bare-minimum parenting #I didn't ask to be born and no one asked you to shit out two kids

[proudfreakmetarusonniku]

I’m sorry if this seems mean but I really have to say it.

Pressuring people, both content creators and fans, into taking immediate action on a situation they have very little control over or knowledge on is not helping. At all.

For content creators, you realise they have to be careful with that shit, right? It’s a fucking minefield to walk, and if they get something wrong- which they will, if they’re literally just learning about the thing and don’t have full context- that could not only severely damage their careers but be incredibly harmful to their fans. Speaking rashly on situations like this is something they can’t do. They need to wait and find things out to make a statement, and it hasn’t even been a fucking week yet. I highly doubt they know any more than we do, or perhaps even less because they’ve not been fucking doomscrolling over it.

In addition, a lot of them are teenagers. Tommy and Tubbo are barely any older than the victims themselves, they shouldn’t be expected to deal with this situation at all. If the worst allegations are true, then engaging with Dream at all is not something you want a young person to do, anyway. They don’t know how to respond to a scenario like this, and they shouldn’t have to. Pressuring them into responding when they’re going through something that they have no reference to is going to be a disaster, and it’s cruel.

For fans, they have even LESS control, and a lot of Dream SMP fans are traumatised, underage, and mentally ill, and therefore are very vulnerable themselves. Shouting at children for being upset their favourite content creator turned out to be someone who’d have hurt them isn’t acceptable. They might not be the victims here, but that’s traumatic. Shouting at abuse victims who don’t want to reblog something too close to home isn’t helping, you’re just triggering survivors who have had their source of comfort suddenly taken from them. And I know for one that my own moral OCD has been triggered so fucking hard by these posts that I’ve barely been able to eat or drink the past few days because I’ve been so guilty, and that’s not the worst of it.

This is a betrayal for all of us and it’s beyond fucked up to suggest that any emotional reaction to it is making yourself the victim. It’s fucked up to suggest any discussion of their own emotions and guilt and grief and pain are diverting attention, like this is some competition. And, more than anything, it doesn’t help. There have been so many posts about this situation I’ve wanted to share but can’t because they’ve triggered my own scrupulosity so bad I started spiralling in ways I really don’t want to share. Some of you are so caught up in making sure people know you don’t support the bad man that you’re hurting vulnerable people really badly for no reason other than to feel superior.

You’re not helping. You’re hurting vulnerable fans, and you’re making it harder for CCs to get properly informed and make a proper statement.

#the dream situation #sorry I’m actually pissed over this

[transhawks]

i didn't experience abuse from my parents, so im not sure i can completely empathise, but i can clearly understand what you wanted the message to be in the snippet.

even reading in canon chapter 299 and the todoroki ones next i always felt i could understand where keigo was coming from with the whole endeavor situation. obviously a fic is a fic and canon is canon, but your characterisation of keigo has been one of the closest to the source material ive found

i think i will cry when the full chapter of minutes is going to be available, having a taste of what i will find :") im not one to comment on fics, but i'll make sure to leave feedback if i remember, that is :v

I'm glad you like Minutes! Trying to stick to what a canon Keigo might do has been something I've tried to retain even as I put him through a lot of things that make him change his mind. And when people question Keigo's attachment to Endeavor it's honestly been my go to way of dealing with it as "Keigo is mentally ill and traumatized so unless you are able to understand that mentally ill and traumatized people often have maladaptive coping habits and irrational or non-coherent views as symptoms of their mental illness, this isn't a conversation you should be having." Surprise, surprise abuse fucks you up and you often do fucked up shit in turn.. that's like the biggest indicator of being fucked up, actually.

I truly think discourse suffered severely when we whole-heartedly leaned into believing the idea of "they did this shitty action because they are shitty not because they have xyz" as a way of combating excuses instead of recognizing often the reason anyone knows they have xyz is because of that said shitty action. And I think my approach is clear in how I discuss abused people and victims. I don't expect the higher moral position from victims - victimhood just makes you someone who was harmed, not a martyr or a saint for said suffering.

I bring this up because I think it's one of the ways I feel understanding Keigo is easiest - he was born in a drastic situation, separated from society until well into childhood, abused and neglected likely from birth, and then institutionalized into what was a child soldier/assassin camp. I'm surprised he's not worse than he is.

Anyway the final chapter of Minutes is...a roller coaster. You get Enji and Hawks, and then two surprise characters he's already interacted with in previous chapters. Honestly, he has a really unhinged moment in this chapter because I'm not leaving this story without a reminder he's kind of crazy, even if he now regrets what he did. I'm really excited to show you guys the chapter - I hope it just satisfies people. You know, I want people from all walks of life to just feel "Yeah, I can see that happening and this was a good end to the story". It has a bit of wish fulfillment, me playing with my own theories of how quirks work, and ultimately the idea that Keigo's cage has always been himself.

I love comments! You're free to forget to leave them but I really adore hearing what people think. That's what makes fanfic so engaging to me - the community aspect of it.

#thanks for the ask #minutes #my writing #my fic #asks

[dysporhicliving]

Bipolar II, ADHD, depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD

I’m so tired

I don’t think I can ever be fixed or helped

I’m not even confident if I have bipolar, but the evidence is overwhelming. Irritability. Hyperactivity. Unnatural happiness. Severe depression without warning. It’s back and forth, back and forth. All the time. I’m so, so tired of this instability. I’m mean and pissed off towards people I love for no reason, the whole world just pisses me off. Or I hyper-fixate on something like cleaning, editing, or anything really until I just fucking hate it. Sometimes I get happy when I know I shouldn’t be. How is it that I wanted to drive off a cliff yesterday but suddenly, at the drop of a hat, I can see colors in life again?

I’m so tired of having ADHD. I can’t remember a moment in my waking life where I haven’t suffered from it. Elementary school I was a demon child because I could not focus or care, everything was a chore to me. My entire preteens was spent in my bed or on my computer. My teenager years were so, so awful. I don’t even remember half of it. I was so sad all the time. Now, being in my 20’s I’m having to deal with being distracted all the time and it affecting my work so much that I could probably be considered disabled.

I hate being depressed. It debilitates me so often. It’s like I get glued to my bed. I sleep all the time. I have no energy to eat or even walk around. I isolate and push people away, but get sad when no one talks to me. I don’t want to use it as an excuse, but it has made me lack in self care for so long. I never want to take care of my body because I genuinely do not love it. I don’t know how much more I can take of feeling like I am the worst person in the world and I need to kill myself to avoid hurting people I love.

Anxiety at this point has stolen so much from me. I fear everyone I know hates me. I’m scared people are watching me. I’m scared I’m being judged. I’m scared my life means nothing. I’m scared of my money. I’m scared of myself. Everything scares me. I can’t even grocery shop sometimes. I tremble with anxiety sometimes. I can’t even have pretty fingers because I pick and bite them all the fucking time. I feel like I have never been truly, deep in my soul, calm. I’m exhausted.

I once again try to downplay my PTSD because I find it hard to believe I suffer from it, but my teenage years have genuinely traumatized me. I don’t know how it affects me quite yet, because I haven’t done a good amount of research into it but I feel like if I had anything, it would be CPSTD. I hate that I remember so much. I hate remembering vividly how empty and suicidal I felt. I hate remembering who I was. I hate that I can still feel what it was like to be SA’d and groomed. I feel so invalid about it though, because I froze each time. I should’ve removed myself from the situation but I froze. I’m so stupid.

I don’t think this is a huge burden on me but I definitely have tendencies that affect my day to day life. I’m tired of being scared of germs. I don’t want to feel like I have to hold my breath when cleaning my bathroom. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t touch anything I THINK has germs on it otherwise I can physically feel the germs on my fingertips. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not clean.

I’m so overwhelmed. I can’t live this way forever. Maybe I could have handled one diagnosis, but everything at once? How am I still alive? I can’t stand feeling so invalid too. Like I’m faking everything. It’s so common and trendy to be mentally ill nowadays, that when someone comes forward about their suffering it is HEAVILY downplayed and dismissed. Maybe that’s why I don’t like to talk to people about my problems, but truthfully I’m grateful I have learned to vent about my true feelings on tumblr.

[13lone]

Pt 1 So I feel pretty uncomfortable right now. I fucked up soooo much shit this year. Went through a new trauma which also re triggered some of my childhood trauma. Literally the worst timing to date cause I was not even myself I was chasing chaos dangerous situations I didn’t care if I die just wanted to feel something. So I tried everything to make me feel something. One thing was sex, cause I only had one sexual partner at the time that it was over with for a long time. Worst time of my life don’t recommend, I got used, played and treated like an object. The thing about this whole thing is that most of the time I didn’t even wanna make out or get touched definitely didn’t wanna have sex but I felt like they expect that and I was so fucking scared that something happens to me if I say no. So I had to learn it the hard way. I only actually liked one person and didn’t mind cause I was comfortable. But that’s not enough no fear of abandonment kicks in ( I have adhd which adds Emotional Dysregulation, so emotions are already hard for me now pair that with bpd…. a mental illness that severely impacts a person's ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others. So I feel 9-25 times MORE intensely than a normal person. Bpd as it is is already as painful as a person who has a 3 degree whole body burn. Nice combination. So I was scared to say no and let things happen to me because I was so fucking afraid of being abandoned, played, being used, but you don’t wanna disappoint the person and you feel like if you don’t do what they want something worse is gonna happen and I will get punished - link - childhood trauma - so I didn’t know better I wanted no one to hate me even if that meant I let people do things to me that I don’t enjoy. Even when I was dating someone and didn’t wanna see anyone else I let people get past my boundaries and make me feel bad if I don’t do certain things. End of the story was I actually got raped I was crying screaming saying that I don’t want it (he gave me a lot of alcohol to begin with) I just wanted to fucking watch a show cause that’s what I came over for then he was acting „impressed“ that he can actually watch something like that with a girl (an animie) who’s actually watching it. I didn’t wanna fucking talk he didn’t shut up to make this living hell stop I took another drink. Bad mistake. Don’t remember anything except the tape that happened and how helpless I felt in that moment I couldn’t even move I was so in shock I probably dissociated after a few seconds cause my brain is protecting me because I’m not ready to face that kind of trauma yet (bc I would yeet myself for the ones who don’t understand) and I’m so fucking scared I wanna forget I wanna just… I fucking hate myself for being so fucking naive and people pleasing. I lost the guy who I had actual interest in well he kinda lost me (wait for the explanation) due to previous childhood trauma. Fear of abandonment. Selbst sabotage starts it’s like you can’t even control what is happening right now those two months that it all happened in we’re fucking intense. It makes you do too much and also do extreme shit because you’re scared that that person is gonna leave so you wanna pour more into it but that pushes people away shit happened to me to blocked bunch of people like that. Too fast feels like you lost control which also caused actions. Guess the deal breaker: I tried to kill myself 4 days after the rape and slit my entire arm up because it was that traumatic.

[moonmargaritas]

It’s in the tags but tw for self injury. I’m also going to be expressing some very not correct feelings about mental illness and neurodivergence because I’m furious right now and need to vent my frustration. Also as a reminder, if any of my followers don’t want to deal with my BPD rants, I try to tag them with #vent.

My 22yo sister who still lives at home tried to self harm last night because my parents are insisting on taking over her money so she’ll actually save instead of blowing everything on junk food and in game purchases. I know that sounds like an incredibly abusive thing to do, and normally I would vehemently oppose a measure like that. But she was supposed to move out a year ago and she’s taken zero measures over the past three years to grow up and deal with her problems (she has autism and ADHD in addition to depressive issues).

She has to be harassed to do her chores (cleaning litter boxes nightly and sweeping and mopping the kitchen once a week) and shower daily. She blows all her money on fast food despite my mom being totally willing to cook all her meals. She has medication for the depression and ADHD but has to be nagged to take it. She was in therapy but wouldn’t do any of the work her therapist gave her and completely wasted her time there. She’s entirely unwilling to implement any of the coping mechanisms I’ve suggested to her from my own experiences with ADHD and depression.

My parents have been incredibly patient and have done a really fantastic job of listening to my advice and educating themselves on neurodivergence so that they can support her and gently push her without damaging their relationship with her or traumatizing her. But she sabotages everything they try to do to help her and then cries about her problems when they sit her down for their twice yearly come to Jesus.

I have BPD and ADHD. I’m no stranger to the suffering neurodivergence can create. It feels like a brick wall between you and your goals. But she’s banging her head on that wall and then crying about how her head hurts and she isn’t getting anywhere and she’s so tired, and then she turns her nose up when I offer her a ladder to get over it or a map to get around it or a sledgehammer to help her break through it. I don’t begrudge her for not being neurotypical, but I’m so exhausted and enraged at her refusal to accept any kind of help.

And now we all have to deal with worrying she’ll hurt herself, because that’s gone from an abstract fear to a present reality. She’s decided to put that on all of us instead of growing a goddamn spine and getting her fucking shit together. (I know that’s not the “correct” or compassionate way to view self harm, but I’m venting my feelings here.) And I’m just so tired of dealing with her. I’ve drawn boundaries with her and my parents are good about respecting me when I tell them I don’t have the mental space at the moment, so I have measures in place to protect myself. But I’m close to my family and I can’t fully avoid it.

I am so beyond happy to support my loved ones when they’re having a tough time. But this tough time has lasted for three years, and I’m not gonna lie, it absolutely enrages me to see her cry about how hard her life is when I’ve been dealing with issues just as severe as hers if not worse while also pulling 70 hour weeks between working full time to support myself and going to school for these past three years. This period has been absolute hell for me, and all she’s been doing for most of it is school and a part time job while living at home with almost no necessary expenses. I know people have different capacities and I’m stronger than most, but it hurts so goddamn bad.

At the moment I’ve opted to distance myself because I don’t trust myself not to lose it on her and make things worse. I know pushing her away isn’t great, but I figure it’s better than screaming at her about being a weakling and a burden.

Anyway. Just needed to scream into the void for a bit.

#tw self harm #tw self injury #vent

[the-amalgam-house]

A crosspost from Facebook.

I often think about sharing certain things with certain family members involving certain traumas, I'm not sure why, but I go back and think about it for a bit and like. Maybe it's better that I'm hesitant to share those things even with my family. I fear what they would think of me, even if they never say it out loud. It's not even like that bad, I think? Just the stigma over the types of things I experience because of trauma would have certain kinds of people think less of me, think I'm somehow demonic or something like that. Think that I'm being punished for things I never did or asked for, or just for not being pious enough.

There are so many things I want to tell my family, or ask of them about any traumas they'd be willing to share, but all of us tend to stay silent, cause that's just how we were taught. Never speak of certain things outside the family, which meant even with a counselor or therapist. Our family is strong! Translated as never cry about stupid things and never admit when you're wrong. Subtle micro-judgements aimed at strangers on tv that would be reflected on my own body or ability or intelligence. Having no one to reach out to when the traumas of your parents cause them to lash out in ways that cause YOU severe trauma and just continues the cycle.

As much as I was also told I shouldn't care what other ppl think of me, we all know that we want the ppl we love most to never have a bad thought about us.

Every person ever wants to be accepted and praised by people they care about and dread being scolded or abandoned or neglected or anything of the sort by those same people. And I know the cultural and religious background that most of the people I grew up with largely sees me as wrong. Whether or not the individual family members think the same in the deepest crevices of their minds is probably something I'll never know for sure, and that's the part that scares me.

I'm transgender. That means I'm an abomination. That I desecrated my own body to defy god cause god doesn't make mistakes, tho I never accused him of doing so.

I'm gay. A huge sin. Or I'm pretending, cause I can't be a man so if I love men it's cause I'm a "straight woman", erasing my entire identity all at once.

I'm disabled. Either lazy or being punished or didn't pray enough.

I'm mentally ill in such a way that most Christian beliefs that I know of will say I'm possessed or demonic.

Interests I've had my entire life would be deemed "of the devil". Since even thoughts can be evil sins, the fact that mine can be graphically intrusive makes me evil I guess. My current reaction to anything based in Christian evangelism is visceral sorrow, unwarranted guilt, and fear not of any kind of divine wrath but of being abandoned. I've been thoroughly traumatized by the very religion that the people I love say I should work harder in.

I'm not a Christian. I hate the label. I'm a nonbinary trans feminine man, a pro-choice anti-gun socialist commie married to a polyamorous transgender woman who allowed me the time to find myself and grow as a person and provided a space to sit and recognize and start to heal from all the traumas caused by family and religion and the fucked up medical system we've all been forced to deal with and alcoholism and explosive destructive anger and bullying and isolation and suicidal ideation and just so so so so so much fear and anxiety and ptsd and dissociating...

A whole lot of rambling just to say I guess it's fine not to share everything with everyone. Even when everything in your whole entire body and soul wants to scream it out just to get even a modicum of recognition of pain caused or any indication of remorse or regret or closure in any capacity. Some of these things have to be healed in slow agonizing silence.

#trauma dump #toby talk #I'm a good person but I'm real fucked in the head #in the body too the meat sack doesn't work like it should but meh #I'm so incredibly sad all the time #and it's all cause of doctors and parents and religion

[arkssystems]

How I came to be diagnosed with DID

I wanted to post about this somewhere, because I’m still somewhat uncomfortable talking about it.  I will preface this as a general trigger warning, even though I’m not going to go into specifics about the things that actually happened to me.

I won’t go into detail about my psychological trauma, but I do indeed have a long history of it. I am 29 years old, and when I was younger, a young adult, I used to tell myself I had a very happy childhood and there was no reason for me to have ended up as “fucked up” or dysfunctional as I did. The truth was different, though. I knew in many senses that I’d gone through a lot of trauma, but that trauma was “removed” from my emotional playbook. 

I used to think of it like, “sure, it would be bad if I really experienced it, but its fine, because its me, and I felt nothing”. And if that reads like someone in denial, that’s because I was. But its not like I sat around all day thinking about how I was in denial - I simply avoided thinking about it, and dissociated myself emotionally from it. I had an extremely long history of an eating disorder, which was part of what I used to dissociate from the emotions I was not capable of dealing with back then. 

I pretended in the adult world, until I couldn’t anymore. I had a complete breakdown at the age of 23, which consisted of a complete reliving of much of my trauma. At that time, I’d also been traumatized further by life events, which I was never able to address or resolve in therapy despite several years of intensive inpatient and resident or partial hospitalization treatments. This is large in part because I was incapable of even speaking of much of my trauma without being completely blocked by my consciousness, which wouldn’t allow the words to escape my throat. And also because, there were some things I was too scared I wouldn’t be believed to even consider saying. And because some of my trauma, at the age of 23, was a result of the psychiatric and medical community itself.

So, back to DID. I will say I’m one of those people straight out of the harvard findings here:  Studies show [...] that most individuals who meet criteria for DID have been treated in the mental health system for 6–12 years before they are correctly diagnosed with DID.   

I was diagnosed with a number of things before DID even entered my awareness, including anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, ptsd, and generalized anxiety disorder, over the course of the past 10 years of my life. And rather than petering off as I entered a “treatment era” of my life, the hurdles of treatment for complex trauma meant that most efforts to bring past trauma out of the box caused extreme disruption in my life, making it impossible to be a healthy and functioning member of the adult world because flashbacks from the events would overwhelm me nightly. 

In the past two years, however, the dissociation became undeniable. I was aware before I received an official diagnosis that I had DID, but I had long since stopped seeking treatment for mental health symptoms. I had been in treatment for three straight years prior, with the treatment eventually terminating under the heading that I was “gaming treatment” or “untreatable”. I also had renewed my own resolve to become a part of the grown adult world in some sense, and was absolutely sick of the identified patient role both in my family, and in my personal life. 

So I lived alongside rather acute dissociation, and still do, because I found ways of coping that were not retraumatizing to me, and I was determined to live in my own way. I have difficulty understanding how people can see mental illness as something either or glamorous or beneficial as an attention seeking person. Those diagnosis and my inpatient history in the past have been sources of great shame and stigma to me, and I am at loathe to speak of them mostly. Anyone who says there is something glamorous about it, has not been held involuntary in a state hospital once. I did not court any of the diagnosis I had. They did not win me friends, favor, or popularity. They made life nearly unlivable. They made relationships impossible, because of my asexuality and post traumatic stress. I am proud of myself as a survivor of a lot, but I am not here to justify my existence to anyone. 

The most imperative feature of dissociative identity disorder in my life is the amnesiac fugue. That is, the cloud around even very recent events in my life. Sometimes, entire chunks of years of time, very recent periods of my twenties relatively speaking, are utterly inaccessible to me. Sometimes, I lose memory of the past couple of hours or days. Sometimes, I have memories but they are fixated completely on hazy details, or uncomfortable features that intrinsically make my mind want to reblock the memory again. I also have extreme time distortion, to the point where I’d consider myself more or less time blind. Notably, the blocks in memory are sort of malleable, and at some phases of my system childhood ages or teenage years are easier to access memories than this most recent year. Basically, I’ve become used to the fact that I must live predominately in the present, because my past always feels somewhat unclear. Even the past 8 years of my life feel like they’ve included several complete lifetimes within them, in a way that might be impossible for some people out there to understand. The landscape of my life has simply been that abrupt or tumultuous, with very high highs and very low lows, that it is impossible for me to think of those past versions of myself and feel convinced that they were even “me”.

 I was only officially diagnosed with DID a few months ago, and that was a result not of my seeking out a diagnosis, but an extreme upheaval in life circumstance resulting in a total nervous breakdown.

Going by all of this, it must sound like I’ve had a super wretched life or something. But that’s not true. I’ve had more incredible experiences than I believe many of us are blessed with. But some of the depths I’m now capable of appreciating have come at a cost, for me, and one of those costs is living with dissociative identity disorder, and that means there are lifestyles that I may never be compatible with. 

I am a system of alters, and although I’d like to say my preferred pronoun is we, I still am a person who hides behind I because I have not been treated well in society in the past when I’ve stood out too much. I lapse into we, and I say lapse because when my mental stressors are high enough, my symptoms are more obvious than I’d prefer. 

#did system #did #dissociative identity disorder

[cizzisblog]

things that piss me off about dabi and fans’ reactions to this arc:

-Dabi is definitely, absolutely not justified in going after Shouto (who deserves none of this!! this boy deserves only love and support and some gotdamned therapy) ima just say that now.

-It’s also shitty of Dabi to say he didn’t care if Natsuo was hurt/killed.

-The canon characterization may very well be Dabi is so far down the path of revenge and has spent so long suffering alone away from his family members that he no longer cares for them/feels anything and is willing to proceed with plans to hurt Endeavor even if they are caught in the crossfire. However, I also feel it’s worth mentioning that right now, he very much seems to be caught up in a manic episode/meltdown/basically losing his shit. Think about it- he’s spent however many years plotting this moment and his chance to get revenge on his father and expose him to the world is finally here, and I think the likelihood that he’s saying whatever shit he thinks will hurt everyone the most is likely. That, or he’s so caught up in the mania he’s just lashing out at fucking everything. I think to some extent he means it, because he’s shown signs of being severely depressed and there’s a numbness that comes with that, but I also think deep down there is still some care there, even if small, or at least some acknowledgment that the other members of his family aren’t the main target and source of his suffering. He literally hasn’t seen them in years and it’s easy to say ‘I don’t care’ when it’s not to their faces. (Why send a tape specifically to Rei and keep track of her? Why not hurt Shouto at the summer camp when he so easily could have?) I think it’s also clear he didn’t mean to kill Endeavor with the previous Nomu attacks, but wanted him to succeed (in a ‘Build him up bigger so when I bring him down he falls even harder’ type of way. After all, Dabi obviously wanted to be the one to take down Endeavor, not a random Nomu.) Again, shitty he didn’t care that Natsuo/Shouto got caught up in it, but I think he didn’t think Natsuo would die due to Endeavor saving him. (Again, that doesn’t justify it, and is some twisted logic, but this is complicated.)

-I want to make very clear I’m not absolving Dabi of his actions, but as an abuse victim and someone who’s intimately familiar with familial abuse, his actual feelings do not make him a bad person and are actually more common than you’d think if you’ve never experienced abuse. When you’re suffering that kind of trauma for so long, you lash out at and feel angry at other people in the household, even other targets of abuse, because your abuser fucks you all up so bad and turns you against each other (even if not intentionally). It becomes a sick competition for attention even from a person who’s horrible and terrible. Dabi undoubtedly felt like he’d been thrown away and jealous of Shouto, the ‘perfect child’ Endeavor finally succeeded in getting (again, this doesn’t excuse him actually hating Shouto, but I can see why he might feel bitter). In a perfect world he would’ve dealt with those feelings with therapy and realized Shouto was just as much a victim and not murder attempts, but this is bnha lmao. Him wanting to hurt Shouto- a fucked up urge, but in a trauma-inducing environment as a mentally ill teenager, you can understand why he felt it. Acting on it is what’s truly fucked up. I also find it unlikely he doesn’t care for Natsuo at all. Natsuo, who he went to specifically for comfort for his whole childhood, not even his mother but his brother?

-At first glance, it may seem many “fanon” interpretations of Dabi are now ‘invalid’ or whatever but I disagree. Sure, we do know that he wasn’t secretly skulking about watching out for his siblings from the shadows- clearly. But narratives that involve him reconnecting with his siblings, remembering or learning to care for them again, realizing he’s hurting them and he isn’t the only one with trauma, reconnecting with his want to protect them as his family, etc. still make sense. People are not static. They still hold the capacity for change and healing given the proper circumstances. Most fanfic are AUs, given they don’t follow canon exactly and word for word, and characters can make different decisions and feel differently if different events happen. Even if you do want to write a very different characterization for Dabi, that’s fine, especially if bnha ultimately ends up doing the whole Todoroki narrative dirty.

-In conclusion: yes, currently Dabi is acting a madman and doing some very reprehensible things. He is a severely traumatized individual who grew up in a home involving copious amounts of violence. However, I do not think the point of all this family drama is just to say “fuck it, Touya’s dead now he was too far gone whoops! But heroes are good anyway!” I think it’s likely we’ll get some scene with him arrested and being confronted by Rei or Natsuo or something along those lines and see some regret. (Why spend so much time on this arc and show their reactions if they aren’t going to be involved at all?) Simultaneously, it’s also possible the story will go the “he’s too far gone” route and basically have him end up as a mirror of Endeavor: so obsessed with his own trauma he threw his own family under the bus for his own revenge plan. While possible, I think that’s a shitty and lazy way to go and disrespectful to Touya himself as an abuse survivor. He is definitely extremely deep in his revenge right now, but I do not want that to be the end of his character.

-I want Dabi to have to face up to his own actions. I want him to realize he fucked up and hurt people he shouldn’t have. I don’t think we’ll get some mushy apology montage, but we have not once seen all the Todoroki siblings together at one time, and I want Dabi to have to deal with the repercussions of seeing his family again and realizing oh, they were never the ones I should have hurt, and I don’t think he’s too far gone to do that.

-I think it’ll be really shitty if Dabi, an abuse survivor, is ultimately depicted as the insane lunatic that needs to be put down and has no chance for any kind of redemption while his abuser who bought his wife for eugenics and neglected/abused his entire family gets to walk free with a shitty redemption arc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware Dabi is a villain and as such is going to be on the losing side in a story where heroes win (I mean, it’s technically all a flashback from number one hero Deku) but he still has very valid points about hero society and how fucked up Endeavor truly was, and throwing it all away would be such a cop out. If bnha does truly go with the most insulting route for Dabi I feel it shows a lack of understanding for abuse and abuse survivors and fanfic authors are justified in ignoring and changing that for fics, especially if they’re abuse survivors themselves. I guarantee they’ll write better narratives about abuse lmao.

-Lastly: Dabi is a morally grey character. He’s a villain. But people who like his character or want to look at the why and how of his actions in a nuanced way are not just ‘dumb villain stans’ or whatever weird shit the bnha fandom has come up with. We just want this narrative to actually make some goddamned sense. Dabi’s actions are not all justified but do make sense in the context of his backstory and motivations and current mental state, I just hope to god hori doesn’t ruin it completely from here.

Edit: this post is also highly likely imo and also explains Dabi’s behavior (but as a reminder for those who don’t read closely, explaining something is not the same thing as justifying it.) “I can’t feel anything anymore” is a hallmark of being depressed/suicidal and his supposedly not caring for his siblings anymore most likely has to do more with his own suicidal state than aggression towards them. Dabi acting as manic as he has these last few chapters makes sense if he isn’t planning on living.

#dabi #Todoroki Touya #bnha #Touya #bnha 292 #Todoroki #touya todoroki #bnha spoilers #character meta

[dragynkeep]

I distinctly remember a few years back, desperately trying to get myself to not like Adam.

I know what I saw on the screen, how racist Adam's depiction was. So I loved him for his potential I saw back in Volume 1 - Volume 3. I liked him because I wanted to see him done justice.

But then the show and the FNDM both started saying he was abusive and even a "pedophile" (even though there's no proof for that one) and the focus took a noticeable shift. He wasn't an oppressed man traumatized by the ruling class, he was a dollar store Yandere who screeched when things didn't go his way.

I read fan posts about how Adam stole everything from Blake, about how his story was about how men steal from women. People said Adam stole Blake's character of being the "misguided yet well-meaning Faunus rights activist" and that her killing him was her taking her story back from him. Adam fans were wrong to like him when Blake "was right there."

So I tried to hate Adam. Tried to listen to the FNDM and ignore the black stain on the series that was the Faunus subplot. I tried to just ignore the blatant racism like how I was told to, tried to shift my focus to Blake over Adam, thinking it would make the series more enjoyable for me. It didn't. I kept going back to Adam because, even how he was butchered, he was just a more interesting character. That, and I feel like the ideas that you can still find buried deep in his character still deserve to be loved and explored by his fans if the show wasn't going to give him justice.

The show treated Adam so poorly it was unfair. Decided that the story of a slave so traumatized by his abuse was less interesting to tell over an abuse story. His story, one that resonated with several PoC and other minorities (like me) was less important compared to little miss white savior's.

The worst thing is, I see people preaching the same with Ironwood now. Ignore him, Yang's right there. Ironwood's story, his pain as a triple amputee with mental disabilities aren't important to tell. Disabled people who he resonated with are wrong, they should focus on Yang instead. It's frustrating.

I don't know how to word it, it's almost like the show and the FNDM are saying that if you like the "wrong" character, you're bad. But it goes beyond that. If you empathize with the wrong character, if you relate to the "bad" feelings associated with Adam or Ironwood (anger at your oppressors or the more ugly parts of mental illness) then you're bad.

It's like the show is telling minorities and disabled people to focus on the girls, because they're struggling the "right" way. The "aesthetically pleasing" way.

The show really is trying so hard to make this poor white girl the least oppressed of her story and demonise everyone else who disagrees with her, despite suffering far more than her and understanding just how bad it is for the Faunus in Remnant.

Adam didn't steal Blake's story. It was his story to tell. He was the one from the lowest of the low, the one who suffered some of the most horrific things that humanity has made, to the point where it physically scarred and disabled his for life. Adam will never be able to fully heal from what he had to go through.

But Blake? The privileged princess from an ethnostate, with two loving parents, who never had to go through what any of the other Faunus we see have had to go through? Slavery like Adam? Being an orphan like Ilia and Sun? Having to deal with racism every day without being able to get away like Velvet?

The writers have made Blake, a girl who everyone thought was an orphan and had seen serious shit before V4, into a preachy, insensitive brat who doesn't actually understand what the fuck she's talking about, and will blame her own people for the actions of a terrorist group that she herself was once a part of.

I knew they didn't know what they were doing with Blake, but her speech in V5 just solidified it for me. Blake would rather sit at home, crying about how hard her life is, and then go and not only tell her people that they have to help the racist kingdom that hates them, but that they are at fault for the actions of the White Fang and herself, whilst pointing at the burning building that she burned down herself.

Fans have the nerve to say that this is Blake's story, to take it away from those who have actually suffered and were trying to fix things, even when they were going down harder paths, when Blake stopped giving a shit about the Faunus by the time V7 came around. They have the nerve to say Adam is a white saviour, while putting Yang Xiao Long, a literal human who killed him, up beside Blake to save the Faunus while never actually doing anything to help Blake or her people, and has in fact been racist in canon towards them.

This isn't even an issue with just Adam. Out of any Faunus in RWBY, Blake is the least appropriate person to be at the helm of this, and the writers don't even care anymore. They've stopped most of the actual racism writing in the show, and now Blake is shown to be even more negligent and lazy when it comes to actually helping her people.

#rwby #rwde #blake belladonna #adam taurus #yang xiao long #answered #luke.txt

[toastandjamie]

I have- so many feelings. I’ve been trying to write an analysis since last night but everything I wrote is incomprehensible so this is an attempt: advanced apologies. Originally I wanted to make a post about C!Quackity and C!Tommy’s relationship but then it got me thinking of talking about what makes Tommy so vulnerable to manipulation even incidentally which brought me to Wilbur and Techno. So I’ve decided to just make a mishmash comparing Tommy’s relationships to these three complicated people.

Starting with Quackity I think we can all agree, Quackity GETS Tommy. In a way others on the server(like Fundy or Foolish) just straight up don’t. Quackity treats Tommy a lot like he treats Slime, with this understanding that Tommy isn’t like everyone else and won’t respond to things like others would. Because Tommy in spite of everything really does act like a kid. He acts out because of boredom or frustration especially when he’s ignored. Often others get frustrated when dealing with Tommy, but Quackity has this odd level of patience different from say Sam, Puffy or even Foolish in that he puts himself at Tommy’s level. At the start I think this was just a genuine attempt at having fun with our chaos raccoon but at the moment it’s almost patronizing(a reoccurring theme). Quackity understands that pushing Tommy will only result in property damage, but he also knows that he can’t let him run around unsupervised(because property damage). When Quackity is unaware that Tommy is listening he sounds more than a little frustrated at his antics, but then Tommy throws on a pair of pants claiming to be called Trousers and insists that he is not in fact Tommyinnit. Quackity plays along, he doesn’t try and force Tommy to stop, he humors him. This is something Quackity does a lot with Tommy, and it’s why Tommy still seems to have positive feelings towards him. Quackity humors him the way adults will humor a child who’s insisting that they are a wizard. Through this lense(which I think Quackity is fully aware of) he’s able to get Tommy into a less aggressive state and get information out him. Like why he’s working with Wilbur, and Tommy’s feelings about it. Which also unfortunately makes him super easy to use. I think in the future as Quackity slowly succumbs to the inevitable power hungry corruption that’ll bury whatever soft spot he has for Tommy, we’ll see Quackity take advantage of Tommy’s blatant abandonment issues using the trust he’s built through these small appeasement based interactions.

Moving on; C!Wilbur Soot! This is a land mine let me tell you. Because Listen, Wilbur is obviously, severely traumatized and mentally ill. I don’t think Wilbur necessarily has any malicious intentions towards Tommy. But unfortunately this bad boy is backing a fuck load of unhealthy coping mechanisms and behaviors. Such as his possessive streak! We saw with L’manburg the whole “if I can’t have you no one can!” Mentality, which has now been transferred to Tommy. It’s a move to assert his control over a situation and unfortunately for Tommy he’s a prime vessel for this behavior because he has absolutely no concept of healthy boundaries! Since his backstory and relationships are a bit blurry we can’t make any definitive explanation for where this came from but for the sake of argument let’s say Tommy has known Wilbur since he was young, and Wilbur was always someone with a possessive personality(albeit less obvious due to the fact that he wasn’t traumatized yet). Being raised by or around someone who never sets boundaries with you can lead to a person growing up not able to do so themselves. And wouldn’t you know it Tommy has clearly never had a stable healthy relationship because all of them have been transactional or codependent. Which is, bad.(shout out to Tubbo and Ranboo though for trying to enforce healthy boundaries sadly though the timing of this separation couldn’t have been worse). Currently I think it’s safe to say Wilbur and Tommy have a codependent relationship. One with a very clear imbalance of power, comparable to a codependent parent-child relationship. In which Tommy excuses Wilbur’s bad behaviors out of a sense of responsibility, this feeling that because they’re “family” he owes it to Wilbur to stay by his side. Not to mention how Tommy obviously craves guidance and leadership from paternal/fraternal figures, which he originally found in Wilbur(later in Dream, Techno and Sam afterwards). Tommy very clearly desires a family structure in which he is loved and protected no matter what, and Wilbur fills that role easily and willingly. Wilbur wants someone who’ll be loyal to him and will never leave or betray him, and Tommy wants someone who’ll protect and care for and, say it with me boys, will never leave or betray him. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting someone to be there for you, but because of their complexes and traumas these feelings of fraternal affection are twisted into a relationship lacking boundaries and for Tommy, complete absence of autonomy. Only doing things because Wilbur wants him to me, because he wants Wilbur to be happy and Wilbur is never wrong. Not a good mindset to have when dealing with someone like Wilbur who is destructive as a means of coping.

Lastly another landmine, in the form of Technoblade! Ah yes, bedrock bros. We love them and miss them. But newsflash guys they ALSO had an unhealthy transactional relationship! But here’s the thing about unhealthy relationships, sometimes people are just not good for eachother. There’s no bad guy or good guy. No ones in the right or wrong. They just, weren’t good for eachother. Now whether this was situational or not can only be answered if they reconnect with healthier mindsets but for now we’ll say it’s situational. Obviously, Tommy was clearly in a bad place. Just barely managing to escape exile after a narrowly thwarted suicide attempt: now packing a whole slew of issues, from paranoia, depression, fear of abandonment, low self worth, and just general debilitating stress. Techno was ALSO in a bad place, he just hides it under a sense of self righteous justice: like guys, his only friend was put under house arrest because of him associating with him, and he was then executed under the threat of death of his faithful horse companion. Techno was angry and blinded by revenge. A bad mix when you toss in a traumatized codependent teenager desperately searching for someone to fill the empty void of fraternal leadership left by Wilbur’s death. Tommy really just wants someone to tell him what to do, like let’s not kid ourselves here. Techno offered Tommy protection from Dream, which yay! But also creates an unbalanced power dynamic(bringing that one back!). I genuinely believe that it wasn’t Techno’s intention, but the thing is, the relationship became transactional: a “I’ll protect you and take care of you if you do what I say and help me.” Type scenario. It was impossible for Tommy to really comfortably say no, at risk of being tossed out of straight up given to Dream to face whatever horrible consequences running away had. BESIDES that, they are just two very different people who had very different priorities. Techno wanted vengeance against L’manburg, Tommy wanted to be protected but always had the intention of returning to L’manburg one day(clearly believing getting the discs would be a catch all problem solver). These two priorities are in direct conflict with eachother; as a result they’re partnership would never have worked in the long term. Here’s the kicker to what makes this relationship so unhealthy though, because those things in isolation don’t make an unhealthy relationship but the fact that Tommy’s poor mental state fueled by Techno’s blood seeking revenge made him act in ways HE deemed wrong, makes it unhealthy. Tommy wasn’t lying, being with Techno made him become a person he didn’t want to be, and it’s NOT Techno’s fault. It was the unfortunate consequence of their opposing view points and unhealthy mental states. Perhaps in a world where the Butcher Army never existed the Bedrock Bro’s team up could have been a moment of healing for both characters; but alas that was not the world we are privy to in canon.

Yeah so that’s it for now I guess

#tommyinnit #dream smp #wilbur soot #technoblade #quackity #tw manipulation #tw unhealthy relationship #tw codependency

[interstellarflowers]

Professor Parker Ch. 1| Professor, Peter Parker x Student, Reader

a/n this fic doesn’t follow the marvel cinematic universe but assume that peter has been what he’s been through with the exception that tony lived, and bruce is still bruce, sorry but i just can't deal with endgame hulk/bruce rn emotionally or mentally. im sorry nat is still dead but dw i'll actually treat it with respect unlike endgame like goddamn where was her funeral, am i right? the stages of grief thing they did was interesting though. im sorry i digress, this is set in nyc (because heyo im a new yorka) and the avengers/stark tower is still a thing, peter is fucking traumatized and has turned kind of cold as a result. this fic may contain a smut chapter in the future? not sure yet, where this fic goes depends on the feedback, thanks for reading also sorry im not the proudest of this first chapter so ill probably edit it but promise itll only improve from here just not in the best mental state rn

University life wasn’t exactly everything that you imagined it to be. There was hardly time to do anything that people claimed was good about coming to university. The parties, the epic heartbreaks, and romances, they were just nowhere to be seen. In fact, there was nothing particularly extravagant about your experience thus far. You went to class, studied, and went to your internship. Your internship was probably the most exciting thing about your life at the moment, you were lucky to be accepted into the Stark Industries student internship, the company paid college tuition and only required around twenty hours of lab work a week, you couldn’t complain. Of course, the exciting part of the whole ordeal was the name attached to it, “Stark,” not that you had ever met him, but it was nice to have a unique feature like that in such an impressive student body.

So here you were on the first day of your third year of university. You lived off-campus, about a five-minute walk from the Stark Tower, but a twenty-minute subway ride to your campus. However, having an 882 square foot space to yourself was really nothing you could truly complain about despite the distance. The studio apartment being yet another benefit reaped from Stark Industries. Thank you Tony Stark, the unseen benevolent God in your life.

Typically you would start your mornings off quietly and in no rush, a shower, a cup of coffee, maybe some studying before heading off to your campus, but your phone had other plans for you today. Instead of your alarm going off like it was supposed to, you were woken up by the sound of a particularly loud car horn, and oh how grateful you were for that. As soon as you were jolted awake you shifted to grab your phone and turned it over to see an alarming 8:40am glaring back at you.

Holy shit. You were late.

You scrambled out of bed nearly face planting several times in your hurry to get dressed and only barely ran out the door with everything you needed at 8:47am.

By the time you managed to get to the subway and clamor onto the right train it was already 8:55am. Out of breath and panicking, you considered your options. You could explain after class, you could shoot an email, there were a plethora of things you could do but none of them seemed to justify being late as a third-year to a level 500 class. You had googled all of your professors while registering for classes as was common practice. You couldn’t find a RateMyProfessor on Professor...Parker? You were pretty sure it was Professor Parker, but you do remember seeing on the STEM department page that he was currently a Ph.D. student, so you could only hope that as a fellow student he would be at least a little understanding towards your lateness.

You stood outside of the lecture hall huffing and trying to catch your breath at 9:32am, psyching yourself up, you pushed open the door to the class and attempted to go unnoticed. The class was in a lecture hall despite being only composed of around thirty students, so if you were lucky maybe nobody would even see-

“Ms.(y/l/n), I presume?.” Shit.

“Professor Parker?” Shit.

“You are aware that class starts at 9am, and not 9:30am, would this be correct Ms.(y/l/n)?”

“Yes, Professor, it’s just that I had an emergency.” The lying route. Not exactly the highlight of your academic career.

“I regret to inform you that I only take valid excuses Ms.(y/l/n), please take a seat, and next time, don’t bother disrupting class halfway through the lesson.” Fuck. You mustered a quiet “ok,” and a small nod before escorting yourself to the back of the room, thirty-something eyes following you until you sat down.

You couldn’t focus for the rest of the class, it was just too embarrassing, time moved forward but you couldn’t help but be stuck on what had just happened. For the first ten minutes after sitting down you felt like dropping out of the whole class out of sheer fucking humiliation. This was of course before you reminded yourself that this class was a requirement to graduate in your field of study. You quietly bargained with yourself before sighing quietly and settling on the conclusion that Professor Parker was just a dick. A dick who certainly didn’t deserve the satisfaction of you switching out of his class. If he wanted to be like that, you decided, you would simply return the favor.

“I know, Ms.(y/ln), why don’t you tell us DeBroglie’s equation?”

“With pleasure, Professor Parker.” Yeah, you’d return the favor alright.

“Ms.(y/l/n), you stay.” Fuck that. You looked the other way and feigned ignorance as you kept making your way towards the door. About to leave, the door shut on your face.

“What the fuck!” You jumped before turning around and you felt your face heat up.

“Ms.(y/l/n), please refrain from using profanities in my classroom.”

“I’m sorry Professor Parker. I was just startled.”

“Mhm,” he took his glasses off and laid them on his desk, “Just don’t do it in the future Ms.(y/l/n).”

“Of course. My name is (y/n), by the way, Professor Parker, you can just call me that, actually, I prefer that people refer to me by (y/n).”

“Rest assured, I’m aware of your name, Ms.(y/l/n). My name is Peter, but you can continue to call me Professor Parker.” You could have sworn that you saw a ghost of a smirk on his lips. He knew what he was fucking doing, asshole. You held back from rolling your eyes into the back of your head.

“Of course, Professor Parker.”

“As you know, Ms.(y/l/n), I did request that you stay after class.”

“Oh? I sincerely apologize Professor Parker, I really didn’t hear you.”

“I’m sure, Ms.(y/l/n).” Fucking. Dick.

“Well, what exactly did you want Professor Parker? I do have another class soon.” Professor Parker narrowed his eyes at you in obvious distaste before reaching behind himself into a bin underneath his desk and pulling out a stack of papers,

“These are the handouts you missed from the beginning of the class. Textbook requirements, syllabus...Crucial information to have if you care to succeed in my class Ms.(y/l/n).” So coldly, so maliciously, Professor Parker placed the stack into your arms.

“I take my work very seriously, Ms.(y/l/n), I do my part as your professor so I only have the simple request that my students do the same.” You nodded feeling your face heat up again.

“Of course, Professor Parker, it won’t happen again,” you said with a tightlipped smile.

“Mhm,” Professor Parker turned around and began shuffling around some paper and without giving you a second glance said, “You are dismissed.” You nodded and hurriedly made your way out of his classroom. Of course, you had lied. You didn’t have another class until late in the afternoon. So you called your coworker instead,

“Hey, Harvey.”

“(y/n).”

“Wow, okay, don’t get too excited.”

“Sorry, just woke up.”

“Tsk, the early bird gets the worm, Harvey.”

“I don’t want a worm.”

“Fuck you. I’m headed to the lab, can I expect you?”

“Yeah, yeah.” You had been working with Harvey for around four years now, he was quite the impressive specimen, having attended MIT and graduating Summa Cum Laude at age 20 was no easy feat, he was closer to Tony Stark than you would ever get, he was quite personable, and you couldn’t deny that he was quite good looking. You’d never tell him that though, he didn’t need another ego boost. Besides, you had some connections of your own.

“Hey, (y/n).”

“Banner!”

“Can we expect Harvey today?”

“Honestly, not sure.” You both knowingly smiled at each other before you made your way over to what he was working on,

“Do you ever get bored here?”

“With you and the other idiot always running around? How could I?” You laughed,

“No, seriously, like wouldn’t you rather be doing nerd shit with Tony or something? Isn’t it a little tiresome babysitting us?”

“Tiring? Maybe sometimes, but not nearly as tiring as doing ‘nerd shit’ with Tony. He’s exhausting,” Bruce smiled at his own joke, “I don’t mind playing babysitter at all kid.” He fiddled with the handle of a mug that read, “Don’t be so Na Cl,” which you had gotten him a year back as a joke, but he still used it.

You really loved Bruce for all he was. Since losing your family back in 2012 during the battle in NYC, you didn’t really have any familial figures. But since landing this internship you found yourself with a parental figure again, and you would never be able to put into words how much it meant to you, so you didn’t. Besides, you didn’t want him to feel pressured about it, especially after everything he had been through himself. Frying half your body and losing the love of your life in such a short span of time was really nothing less than horrifying. Yet, here he was, smiling, laughing...You loved him for it.

“First day of junior year? How was that?”

“Shit.”

“Huh?” Bruce stopped tinkering with the device in his hands and looked over at you, “I’ve never heard of a course being too hard for (y/n) (y/l/n), what is it? Aerospace? Quantum?”

“No, just one giant dick.”

“Pardon-”

“My professor, he’s a fucking asshole.”

“Ah, I see. If he’s really harassing you (y/n), I don’t mean to overstep, I really think we should alert administration, what’s his name?” Bruce took a sip of his coffee.

“Professor Parker,” Bruce choked on his coffee, “Oh my God, Bruce, are you okay?”

“Yeah-” he said, still coughing, “Just a little too strong.”

“Okay, are you sure?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Bruce caught his breath, “What did he do kid?”

“He’s just a dick that’s all.”

“You sure you don’t want me to do something about it?”

“Yeah, it’s fine, I don’t know what you could do anyways. Thank you though.”

“Actually, you’d be surprised.”

Sitting at your desk stressing over school work at 3am, it was nothing out of the ordinary for you. Everything appeared ordinary. The ordinary cup of tea, the familiar glow of your computer, and a morning chill creeping through your window. It was all so breathtakingly normal until there was a rap on your window. You took an earbud out of your ear, certain you were just hearing things, you looked to your window. Holy shit.

You opened your window wide so that he could crawl in.

“(y/n)?”

“Mr.Spiderman.” Still too in shock to fully process the situation you started to take in the scene in front of you,

“Please, it’s just Spiderman.”

“Oh-Oh my God, what happened?” Head to toe the suit seemed to have blood seeping through, tears in the body of the suit revealed gashes and a bullet wound.

“Bad guys. I know this guy-said he knew a medical student close by, you are (y/n)? Right?”

“Y-Yeah, but I’m really just a student, I’m not really a prof-”

“This guy, he said you might as well be.”

“I don’t know Mr.Spiderman, really, maybe I could take you to the hospital though.”

“-Spiderman, it’s just Spiderman, listen, (y/n), you know I can’t go to a hospital, it would ruin this whole secret identity thing I got going on here, and this guy, he’s probably the smartest guy I know, so if he says you can handle it, you can.” You swallowed and nodded,

“Yeah-” you wring your hands together, “Yeah-Sorry, let me go get my first aid kit.”

#tom holland x reader #peter parker #peter parker x reader #tom holland #spiderman #spiderman x reader #marvel #marvel x reader #bruce banner #tony stark #iron man #idk #sorry #ill prolly rewrite this seven times

[kittytual]

[id: a screenshot of discord messages from no gender, only kurapika, which reads, “okay so first of all???? their dynamic means EVERYTHING to me. theyre obsessed w each other they never talk they love each other they hate each other theyre meant for each other theyre forbidden lovers. and the fact that theyre foils but r so similar in just as many ways????? like how theyre both traumatized due to losing a loved one (or several loved ones in kurapikas case) but they deal w it in different ways. leorio becomes a doctor so he can heal ppl and prevent that from happening again and kurapika goes after revenge. leorio holds everyone he loves dear while kurapika pushes them away. leorio doesnt talk abt his trauma AT ALL and wears a mask pretending to be this arrogant bastard who only wants money. kurapika is the worlds worst oversharer and while he also puts up a mask to prevent him from getting too attached, its hard for them too when they love their friends SO MUCH. ESP LEORIO LIKE U COULD TELL THE FUCKER WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HIM. and u wanna know why???? bc for the first fucking time in four YEARS, he understood them. right away they despised each other but that left as quickly as the love peeked in

u guys know i LOOOOOVE conflicts in relationships and leopika scratches the right itch like UGHGHGHGH MY ADHD LATCHED ONTO THEM SO HARD!!!! they dont always get along and they dont communicate the best like. they dont even confront whats been bothering them abt each other esp in succession when they meet up and IMMEDIATELY talk abt their mission instead of idk???? catching up and calling out each others bullshit???? thats smth i can relate to as a mentally ill person. but theyre BOTH SO COMPASSIONATE even if they fuck up sometimes. either w each other or others. i hate how ppl try to act like leopikas dynamic is perfect and they always get along, but they DONT. theyre both mentally ill adults who dk how to communicate properly and thats okay bc theyre healing!!! theyre learning!!!! and theyre both afraid to lose each other !!!!!!!!!!! and while i think they can help each other cope w each others trauma i think they also need to heal and deal w themselves before they can be w each other and communicate healthily. which is prolly why i hate most interpretations of leopika besides uhh. ppl making leorio call kurapika selfish and ppl making them The Dads of gon and killua and even woble and overall a huge misunderstanding of how their dynamic works. like leorio deosnt spend countless hours yearning abt kurapika, he understands kurapika enough to know that they wouldnt benefit from that and he only calls them that one time to say gon is in danger of dying. like they clearly understand each other from that to kurapika KNOWING right off the bat that leorio was lying abt being selfish and greedy and yet most fans STILL misinterpret them

idk i guess what i love most abt them is that theyre not ur standard romances where everythings perfect and its not like things get solved easily between them. theyre both human, and theyre well written characters on their own merit so it also annoys me when ppl only see them as shipping fuel. like i love this ship which is why im writing this, but u guys can also look at them individually too. and if u dont, then u wont understand why their relationship WORKS so well.” each message has a heart emoji under it. end id].

me when im autistic <3

#saw take that made me go :/ so i decided to rant #talk tag #hxh #also when i say conflicts in relationships i dont mean weird shit obv #but just in case