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#and anxiety is the whole reason I’m trying to get meds but I don’t want to answer yes
chibelial · 1 year
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Feel free to ignore just ranting in the tags, you know we do a little tmi posting
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dcfanficsgallore · 3 months
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I got you
Nightwing x GN!Reader
Warnings: Depressive episode, anxiety, minor suicidal thoughts, crying. But it has a happy ending. Hurt/comfort
1K words
Masterlist
Summary: You had a bad depressive episode, fortunately your boyfriend was there to cheer you up
A/N: Hiiii, I know this is a weird one to post but I just had one of the worst depressive episodes ever and after a long shower, this came out. It helped me to write out everything with my comfortiest character, I hope you enjoy it! DPFT 4 is coming I just needed to get this out of me first.
PS: This was written in, like, two hours not proofread at all Sorry!
Nightwing knew the second he got the notification on his mask, to drop everything and go back to your place. He gave you that for this specific reason and he would not disappoint when you actually used it. But first, he made a quick-stop.
After carefully opening the front door to the apartment and laying the bags he brought on the counter, he found you curled up on the couch, tear-stained cheeks staring into nothing, not even registering that he had arrived. This was a particularly bad depressive-episode and he knew that this would be difficult, but Dick Grayson isn’t one to leave when things are hard.
You felt the end of the couch dip slightly, you didn’t even remember calling him. Way inside your own mind to remember much but the little button with his symbol on it was in your hand. So that explained it.
- You came - You said, voice quiet still not meeting his eyes. You didn’t think he’d come, he has a whole city to protect, you’re far less important than the city. No one would notice if you just disappeared.
- I did. - He said scooching a little closer - What made you think I wouldn’t? - His tone was light, wanting you to open up but not pressuring either.
- I don’t know, I just… Thought you had more important things. I don’t want you to drop everything when I’m sad, I’ll be fine. - You said, still keeping your voice low, not trusting yourself to not burst into tears.
That when he decided to try and interlace your fingers together, when you didn’t push him away he kissed your fingers.
- You’re not just sad, and it’s the least I could do, you’ve been with me for so many of my worst moments I’m honored you called me.
- But, the city. You just left it alone, I can’t be more important than this place you just- - You started to ramble, repeating yourself, falling deeper and deeper. He saw this happening and put his other on top of yours, placing it on top of his heart. Grounding you as you felt his calm heartbeat.
- You ARE important to me, you are important to so many people. The city can exist without me, but I don’t know if I can without you - He said honestly and that broke through, you threw yourself on him sobbing and holding him for dear life, he still smelled like his cologne even though he’d been out fighting crime for a while. The smell brought you comfort. - You want to tell me what’s got you like this. - He spoke quietly into your ear holding you tightly, his arms protecting you from anything.
You told him about your day, and how you hadn’t been taking your meds for a couple days since they ran out and you didn’t have the energy to get more. Throughout it you never let go of him, he stayed still and listened intently, only letting out a low-hum when you mentioned your meds. 
- Do you feel better? - Dick asked softly - Or do I need to bring out my secret weapon? - He said with a little more joy, he knew that when you got it all out of yourself you were more susceptible to his games.
- What did you bring? - You said, a little smile forming. You knew he never half-assed his attempts to cheer you up, so of course he brought something. Even though just his presence was enough.
- It’s a surprise. - You pulled yourself out of his chest and pouted. You both knew he couldn’t resist it. So he covered his eyes, not wanting to fall prey to your charm.
- No fair. - you nudged his shoulder, he chuckled. Dick uncovered his eyes and smiled at you.
- I’m gonna prepare the surprise. Are you okay with picking a movie for us? - You knew what he was asking, he was asking if you needed him to stay with you some more. But you were better now that Dick had returned home, so you nodded.
After a few minutes you put on a musical for both of you to watch, and he returned to the living room. Balancing two cups of hot chocolate on one hand and two plates of pancakes on the other, all while humming a circus song. He really looks like a balancing act from the circus, or the beginning of a clown act if you didn’t help him.
- Grayson! You’re gonna drop them if you try this any longer - You lightly scolded him before taking the plates.
- I’d never put innocent pancakes on the line for a joke! - He retorted with a fake offended look.
- Pancakes? - You looked at the plates. - but it’s 10pm.
- You have school tomorrow? - He asked with a smirk - We’re both adults! We can eat whatever we want whenever we want.
- You’re right. - You said with a smile.
- I know.
You two sat down, ate your pancakes and drank your hot chocolates. It was perfect. By the end of the movie you felt yourself start to fall asleep, you held on a little longer just to see the ending. You started to cuddle closer to Dick and he to you. Eventually the movie ended and Dick saw you were fighting sleep so he decided to carry you to bed, he changed into his sleep clothes and got into bed with you. Wrapping his arms around you.
Before sleep could take you, a question popped into your head.
- You didn’t actually leave Blüdhaven alone did you? - You knew he must’ve left someone at least on lookout. But in your depressive state, you didn’t even think about it.
- I did not. - He answered - The Titans are protecting it.
- All of them? - He nodded - Isn’t that a bit overkill?
- So I could spend more time with you? Never. - You kissed him on the cheek for that response. 
After he said that, you felt like you actually were wanted. He actually liked you. You actually had someone who looked forward to seeing you. And that felt warm, and you let yourself sleep in his arms.
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idontplaytrack · 9 days
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“you’re a softie”
warnings: mentions/descriptions of anxiety, medical gaslighting, chronic pain & illness
- rosa diaz x teen daughter!reader -
rosa’s always been a private person, you knew her reasons for not telling her friends about you. however, it wasn’t exactly like it ever came up after all the (very limited) knowledge they had about your mother. but of course, one person on the 99th precinct squad was the exception- captain holt.
the day was going by as per usual, until diaz abruptly went onto the terrace to answer a phone call. the noise startles the relatively quiet bullpen, but they resumed their respective work tasks. “what’s going on with rosa?”
“hm?” amy asks, still distracted by her paperwork.
“rosa seems very…i dunno. have we ever seen her showing this much emotion on her face? that isn’t annoyance or anger?” jake shrugs, pointing at rosa who was currently on the phone with you.
“she doesn’t look happy though. that can’t be good.” amy seethed. just as she finished her sentence, rosa reenters the bullpen and was immediately headed for holt’s office. she knocks, he allows her to enter.
“diaz. how may i help you?”
“my daughter called me. i need to take her home from school. her symptoms have been flaring up for awhile. i don’t want her to get hurt if she makes her own way home.”
“very well. i understand. how much time do you need?”
“can i clock out now? i’m not sure if i need to take her to the hospital or not because she’s not really talking to me- i’ll stay later tomorrow and do whatever task you assign me.” rosa promised.
“hand over the work on your desk to me and you may clock out.” holt decided.
“thanks.” rosa swiftly walked to her desk to grab the small stack of files and turned it in to holt, then left the precinct without another word.
————
“i can’t believe you won’t let me get a car.” rosa scoffs playfully.
“and let you part ways with your motorcycle? I couldn’t possibly do that.”
“i can have both, you know?” rosa bit back a smile, “are you sure you don’t want me to get us a cab home?”
“hurts, but eh.” you shrug.
“hospital?”
“just let me curl up in bed for a couple days, they’ll just hook me up to an iv and give me the same meds i have at home.” you sigh, “i’m due for an mri in two weeks anyway- i can tough it out till then.” rosa pulls you to the side, “i don’t want you to tough it out. your doctor already said that if the pain suddenly worsens and persists you can go in to see her.”
“ i can, but i won’t.”
“you amaze me.” rosa huffs, “flareups cause you a 8-9 out of 10 pain and you can walk, spend a whole day out.”
“all thanks to the whole year of medical gaslighting. had to learn how to function with the symptoms.”
you two board the subway and rosa spots a seat. she nudges you to sit down but you refused. “sit. down.” she insisted. “fine, fine.” you gave in, she stands in front of you, keeping the conversation going to keep your mind off of the pain. “how was school today?”
“just did worksheets and asked questions if i had any. but, lunch did suck.”
“why? someone give you trouble?”
“no, the food was revolting.”
rosa lets out a soft laugh, “is there anything i can do to make you feel better?”
“i already had you abandon your work at 2pm. i feel bad as it is. i could’ve went home myself.”
“yeah, i’m not risking that.” rosa scoffs, “nice try.”
“how about a slice of pizza from your favourite place? or two?” rosa suggests.
“if you want.” you shrug, tired.
getting off the subway, she leads you to your favourite pizza place - it was a short walk. pushing the door open, the bell above the door tinkles. “hey, y/n!” the usual counter staff, ana, spotted you. “ay, rough day?”
“she’s not feeling well.” rosa answered on your behalf.
“pobrecita.” ana frowns, “usual order?”
“yep.” rosa nodded curtly, “2 slices sausage. 2 slices pepperoni.”
“of course, just a minute.” the older lady smiled. rosa paid, then took you to the side to wait away from, the crowd. she had a protective arm around you. “i’ll be fine.” you glanced up at her. “i don’t care. you’re my baby.” to you, this was the norm, but still quite rare. you just knew her coworkers would kill to hear this interaction.
after picking up your order, you and rosa resumed your journey home. the last stretch was a nine minute walk from the pizza place. once at home, you excused yourself and went to change into your favourite loungewear set. that made you feel a tad better: to be out gross sweaty clothes. soon after you emerged from, your bedroom, rosa walked out from hers donning a plain black tank top and a pair of matching leggings.
“let’s eat.” rosa tilted her head toward the dining area. you walk over before she did and laid the table. “ana gave us free garlic knots and sauce again.”
“she always does that when you go there with me.” she smirked. you chuckled, sitting down. “didn’t you tell her to stop doing that?”
“i did, but she likes giving you a little treat. her words, not mine.” rosa shrugged, “the lady’s happy. let her do it. she’s been there since before i had you- she’s kinda like another abuelita of yours. besides, she won’t take my money. i tried to pay her back for the extras she gave, but she wouldn’t take it.”
you fought back a laugh, “what?”
“it’s true.” she places the box containing the pepperoni pizza in front of you, “she’s been there for years.”
“i know.” the laughter mellows out and you quietly ate your slice, your mind drifts off. rosa caught you spacing out almost instantly. you caught her gaze for a moment, “i’m fine. just trying not to think about anything at all, actually.”
she shrugs. “how was work?”
“the recent cases are nothing too intense so i won’t be working too much overtime, i hope. it was a good day, though.”
“good. why?”
you saw that subtle glimmer in her eyes, “you know, don’t you? you just want me to say it.”
you gave her cheeky grin as you chewed your food.
“ha! some things really don’t change.” she remarked, “you always gave me this…grin even when you were really little.”
“you’re a softie.” you teased her. she purses her lips together, her attempt of trying not to smile or laugh. which failed - the corner of her lips tug into a small smile.
“take a nap after this.” she changes the subject abruptly.
“okay, softie.” you pout.
————
the remainder of yesterday went by like clockwork during a flareup for you. so it was uneventful in rosa’s opinion, and she was glad to be back at work the next day because that meant you were in less pain than you were before. “why’d you leave work so early yesterday?”
“not talking about that, jake.” she told him absentmindedly, focused on her computer screen.
“oookay.”
“i’m not kidding.” she glares at him. he rolls back to his desk on his chair, “i’m gonna keep bothering you till i find out~”
“not gonna happen.”
“diaz, my office.” holt stepped into the bullpen briefly. rosa followed him inside silently. “you don’t have to work over time this evening.”
“i can.”
“there is no need.” holt reiterated, “there isn’t any paperwork that needs to be done.”
“okay.” rosa acknowledges with a nod, “is there anything else?”
“yes, how is your daughter doing?” he asked, which caught rosa by surprise.
“better. she’s at school again.”
“that is good to hear. dismissed.”
as soon as rosa shut holt’s office door behind herself, jake returned with the same question. “shut up.” rosa’s phone beeps, jake beats her to it. “oh! your phone’s not on silent mode like it usually would.” he peeks at the screen, “oh my god, rosa-”
“what?” rosa deadpanned, “give it back.”
scared, jake handed the device over. but it wasn’t just that. rosa’s been way more guarded up ever since your recent diagnosis of this chronic illness— which your doctor told you was a rare disease. by the name of aggressive fibromatosis. something apparently ‘harmless’ but has been the root cause of your pain and sleepless nights. the name alone terrified you, even rosa. but more so when she sees you go through a flareup episode. for the first time in her life, she felt helpless. she hadn’t told anyone other than holt, and he didn’t even know the specifics. it took a very long time for you to get answers. doctor after doctor brushed you off and painted you as crazy or dramatic, telling you it was either period cramps or all in your head. day after day, rosa’s anger grew but her patience depleted. she was desperate for you to get the help you needed and she was so, so relieved that you did now. but despite knowing she would probably need the help of her friends in one way or another regarding your situation, she was still choosing to keep this to herself.
but, you were absolutely right about one thing. she was softie. but only you have seen this side of her, and maybe arlo- but he was a puppy. which sadly passed away some time ago.
“who is she? why’s she calling you softie?” asked jake, eagerly.
“give it up, jake.“ rosa exhaled sharply, “give it up.”
“fine, softie.”
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headpainmigraine · 9 months
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Migraine isn’t a Headache Part Five: make it go away
I wanted to put something about getting diagnosed before I started to address medication, but the spoons to put my diagnosis journey together down on paper are much more than this section, so I’m skipping it until later.
(We’re out of Migraine Awareness Month now, but we are getting into Disability Pride Month, and chronic migraine is a disability, so!)
Treatment for Migraine can be divided into ACUTE and PREVENTATIVE
(and within that, can be divided into ‘medical’ and ‘complimentary’)
Acute treatment includes medication that treats the pain when you’re starting or having a migraine, like triptans, and methods you use to handle the pain, like cold packs
Preventative treatment aims to stop the migraine happening, so that you don’t need to use acute treatments.
Up until very recently (2021) there were no preventative treatments for migraine that were made specifically for migraine (until 2021)
(2021)
(That was three years ago.)
(Yeah)
Every other medication prescribed had originally been designed for something else.
As a result, you’ll find that a lot of suggested migraine preventative treatments are drugs used to treat things like high blood pressure, seizures and mental health issues like depression and psychosis – dosage makes all the difference.
This isn’t because they believe the cause of your migraine to be high blood pressure, or mental illness, but because the drugs also work to mitigate migraines – I’m only highlighting that because I’ve seen it suggested that when a doctor prescribes an antidepressant for migraines, it’s because they’re treating depression – this isn’t true.
Even botox was first used in beauty treatments before they discovered that women who had it also experienced a reduction in their migraines.
There have been no medications made specifically for migraine until the last couple of years, which is a crazy state of affairs.
And, even now, the meds that are coming out for migraine (CGRP mAb injections -nabs and -gepants) aren’t widely available, and not at all in some countries (India, for example). We don’t yet have access to the exciting new -gepant drugs in the UK.
(EDIT: As of 31st May 2023 we MIGHT be getting access to them! Exciting!)
When you present at the GP with a headache, and the GP diagnoses you with migraine, they won’t usually jump to prescribing preventatives.
They will usually prescribe acute medications first, if anything at all.
It’s not uncommon to be told to take high dose dispersible aspirin or other over the counter meds marketed for migraine.
These meds are usually your average ibuprofen or paracetamol with added caffeine, sometimes with an added anti-emetic.
Remember that migraines aren’t a headache, so your stomach can stop working or work inefficiently when you’re having one.
Prescribing an acute pain relief medication alongside an anti-emetic helps your body actually absorb that acute med while you’re having an attack.
In my experience, no GP ever suggested or prescribed an anti-emetic alongside an acute treatment when I first went to them with migraines, so be prepared to have to make that suggestion yourself, and to be shot down if they disagree.
The usual anti-emetics will be metoclopramide hydrochloride, or prochlorperazine (also used for schizophrenia and anxiety)
Sometimes, your GP will prescribe naproxen, or another prescription NSAID for your migraines.
If you’re lucky, your GP might prescribe a triptan.
I believe the most common is ‘sumatriptan’ but there are a whole host of them (rizatriptan and almotriptan might be two others you’ve heard about).
I’m currently taking eletriptan, which is a much older triptan and not widely used by most GP’s for some reason.
This to say, that if you’re prescribed eg sumatriptan and it doesn’t work for you, try asking for another type.
Another reason triptans might not work for you is the method of administration.
If your migraines present with a lot of vomiting, something that melts on your tongue or a buccal tablet that dissolves under your upper lip might work better for you than a tablet you swallow. Some of them even come in nasal sprays.
TL;DR – Acute Treatment - Medications
- Paracetamol
- Ibuprofen
- Aspirin (dispersible aspirin for fast absorption, 900mg best dose)
- Co-codamol (voted most likely to cause rebound headaches)
- Naproxen (prescription only)
- Triptans (prescription only?)
- Anti-emetics (metoclopramide, prochlorperazine)
- Other prescription NSAIDs (tolfenamic acid, diclofenac potassium, diclofenac sodium, mefenamic acid)
- US only? -gepants
You can’t take most of these medications indefinitely.
They recommend taking cocodamol no more than 3 days in a row because of risk of addiction.
You can’t take metoclopramide for a long time.
Almost all of these meds can cause rebound/medication overuse headaches
Not to mention the side effects these meds come with, or the stress you might be putting on your kidneys/liver/rest of your body.
When your pain is that bad that you CAN’T care about the risks of taking something that might make a little dent in the agonies, you don’t think about those risks.
The hard part is that you get to the point where you HAVE TO start thinking about those risks.
Taking painkillers all day every day every time isn’t sustainable.
I know, it sucks.
Maybe in the future they’ll come up with a painkiller we can take that will reduce the pain without side effects destroying your body, but we’re not there yet.
Just another happy part of being alive as someone with chronic pain!
BUT! That’s where ‘complimentary’ treatments come in. These come in preventative and acute flavours too, with a lot of overlap, but we’re looking at acute treatments this time around.
If you’re a long-term chronic pain patient, you’ll probably already know about all of these.
I covered “lifestyle changes” that might help headaches in THIS PART, and you can use those here (sticking to a sleep schedule, regular meals, staying hydrated, ugh, yeah, I know, it helps though), but, for more urgent relief:
***Little disclaimer, not everything will work for everyone. Maybe you have other conditions that contraindicate these ideas. I’m not a medical professional, just a dude who suffers and uses this stuff to suffer a little less.***
- Cold treatment (ice packs, sticky cold patches, running cold water over your head, cold swimming, cold gels in a tube, ice hats)
- Heat treatment (electric heat pads, microwaveable heat packs, sticky heat patches, hot water bottles, hot baths)
- Balms (tiger balm, roll-on headache gels, pulse point gels, menthol rubs)
- Aromatherapy (helpful sometimes, but just as likely to aggravate your migraine as not. Proceed with caution.)
- Hot drinks (I don’t know why, but a cup of hot chocolate really takes the edge off my migraines?)
- Cold drinks, with ice
- Massage/Muscle treatments (anything from muscle relaxant bubble baths to massage rollers to getting someone to rub your back for you, if you’re lucky enough to have someone willing to do that)
- Gentle stretching (you can find a lot online; look for post-operative/elderly/low impact stretches)
- Sleep masks/Sunglasses (get away, light!)
- Travel sickness pills or ginger caplets for nausea
- Acupuncture (there is a point between the index finger and thumb in the meat of your hand that is supposed to ease pain if you add pressure to it – it doesn’t really work for me, but it’s worth a try. I’d suggest Googling/YouTubing it. I have acupuncture needles and have been shown how to use them, so it might be worth asking if you know a practitioner you trust?)
I’m sure I’m missing something that will come to me later.
For travel, I take:
- painkillers and my triptans (and anti-emetic when I’m allowed to have one)
- travel sickness pills/ginger pills
- balm tin/roller
- cold balm/sometimes cold patches
- shades
I’ve also shaved my head – I usually go down to a Grade 1, but have gone 0 before, which was weird.
Hair grows back surprisingly fast, and having short hair is amazing for migraines, especially in the summer.
You don’t need to spend so much time washing/drying your hair (which is helpful when you’re in the midst of an attack and/or have comorbidities that make showering difficult).
You can also apply cold/heat treatments closer to the scalp, but be careful not to burn yourself (I am absolutely not speaking from experience…)
On a greater scale, just making your room (or wherever you go to hide when you have migraines) as comfortable for you as possible is helpful. Enough pillows, blankets you can kick off if you overheat, a fan to keep the room cool but not cold, curtains or blackout blinds depending on how much light you want to block out.
I use a text-to-speech app to read fanfic to me, or I listen to audiobooks when I’m being photosensitive but can manage sound, and don’t want to be bored out of my gourd.
Has anyone else got any other tips that don’t fall into the above categories for help when you’re having a migraine?
Next up in this series: Preventative Treatment (Meds and Complimentary Treatments)
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bobateaboo · 8 months
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I'm a sucker for "you're a human taken in by Nightmare's gang" plots, so I made my own little rendition
you can also read it here on ao3!
You hissed. How long had you been trying to do this yourself? Too long. Fuck. 
You’d gotten more comfortable here in the castle, after waking up in the dungeons. From what you’d heard, the king of negativity himself didn’t often take in humans, but you got to be the first and only odd one out.
Lucky you.
All in all, it… wasn’t that bad, actually. The gang were annoying, really annoying, but oddly enough, kind in their own ways. Horror had made a habit of making you breakfast, Killer’s pranks were getting less malicious by the day, and they had even made a stop at some kind of multiversal pharmacy to get your meds, after realizing that some of the twitchiness and blazing anxiety wasn’t just from being kidnapped.
Which is what got you to your current problem. Every Tuesday you took your T shot, and you’re terrified of needles.
You cursed, staring down at where the needle had hovered over your thigh for the past 30 minutes. Your skin was riddled with dots where you’d started to pierce through and then chickened out at the first prick of pain. At this point, you were halfway to a stick and poke tattoo.
This was bullshit. You’d been doing this every week for how long now, and you still couldn’t work up the guts to do it yourself. At home, you usually got one of your roommates to do it.
Maybe you should just wait for Cross to get back from his mission. But no, the whole reason you were here was because you’d been waiting for hours and he was just taking too damn long. You could get one of the murder time trio to do it, but Dust and Horror’s hands shook and Killer was still a bit too eager to stab you.
Fuck it.
Sweeping all of your stuff into your arms, you marched out of your room and through the castle halls. You grunt, kicking open the door to Nightmare’s study so you don’t have to put any of your nice, sterilized equipment on the castle floors. You only realize once his head whips towards your direction that you forgot to knock. Whoops.
“Get out.”
 Your king, everyone, eloquent as always. Well, too bad, he was at least going to hear you out before you left.
“I need your help.”
Nightmare blinked, taken off guard by that. To say you were usually wary around the guardian was an understatement, you were terrified of him. Out of all of the gang, you’d been avoiding his ire the most religiously.
But now, you were tired and irritated and just wanted to get this done with, so you dropped your kit onto his desk, an alcohol pad skidding slightly away from the pile.
“Have you ever given someone an injection?” You asked, brandishing the needle. “You know, like, for medicine?”
Nightmare stared at you blankly. Seriously? In all his thousands of years of life, the king of darkness himself had never given someone a shot. You sighed, massaging your brow.
“Fine, I can walk you through it, I just- I can’t do this on my own.”
The king looked more than confused as you occupied one of his armchairs, taking an alcohol wipe and pulling up your shorts to start cleaning the injection site. “What in the world do you need an injection for?”
“Mind your business.” It wasn’t that you thought he’d be a dick about it, but people could get weird after finding out you were trans. Like they were so startled at the idea you had a vagina they were worried it would bite them. You snorted dryly at the thought.
Nightmare furrowed his brow, looking at the needle. “This isn’t one of those human addictions, is it?”
“Oh my- No. It’s just medicine, boss, I need to take it every week to stay healthy.” It wasn’t a lie, it was just a different kind of medicine than most would expect.
Assured that he wasn’t enabling any heroin use, Nightmare nodded, kneeling next to you. “What would you like me to do?”
“I’m going to pinch up a pocket of fat from my leg, and you’re going to put the needle in. Quickly. Then you press down the plunger, count to five once it’s all out, and remove it,” You explained, tossing away the alcohol wipe and pinching your thigh.
Nightmare nodded once more, reaching for your leg. You couldn’t help it, you flinched. The king looked up at you, raising a brow bone.
“Sorry,” You looked away, sheepish. “It’s just- nerve wracking, having someone stab you.”
The king chuckled, having a tentacle rise up to pat you gently on the head. “It’s no matter, I understand that humans can be quite nervous creatures. Would you like me to count to three?”
You rolled your eyes slightly, despite nodding. Of course, Nightmare had been doing “research” on proper human care since you got here. Dork. You turned your head away so you didn’t have to see the needle, taking a deep breath. “Y-yeah. Please. Okay, one, tw- Bitch-!”
Nightmare chuckled, pressing down the plunger. He was probably drinking up your frustration like vintage wine. Asshole. “Your anticipation was only worsening the anxiety. Now, I’m meant to count to five, correct?”
“Y-yeah. Properly this time,” You muttered, salty but also thankful, in a weird way. Out loud, you counted to five, before Nightmare removed the needle, neatly setting it aside.
He frowned, looking at your leg. “You’re bleeding.”
“Yeppp, that’s why I carry band aids,” You mutter, reaching for the stuff you left on his desk. Do you want the space themed bandages, or the ocean ones? Choices, Choices.
You snap your head down as you feel Nightmare’s phalanges on your thigh, brows knit together. “There’s clear liquid coming out of the wound. Does that mean the medicine is leaking out?”
Despite yourself, you chuckle softly, using another alcohol wipe to sweep away the blood. “No, those are just white blood cells. They cluster around the injection site so nothing nasty can get in past them.”
Nightmare looked fascinated, no doubt adding this to his knowledge of strange human inner workings. You popped a band aid over the site - you decided to go with the space ones after all - humming as you capped the needle and dropped it into your sharps container. Nightmare poked through your kit of supplies, no doubt fascinated by this new development of medical knowledge, tilting his head as he picked up the vial you drew liquid from.
“Human?”
“Mm?”
“Why are you injecting yourself with the human male sex hormone?”
You froze, halfway to closing your container. “Uh,” You said eloquently. “Human reasons.”
Something in Nightmare’s gaze softened, and he nodded, putting down the vial. “I see. You’ll have to tell me about them sometime.”
You capped the container, avoiding his gaze. “Yeah, maybe.”
Nightmare hummed, helping you pack away all of your things. “You know, I’ve occupied many physical forms in my time.”
It took you a moment to process the meaning behind his words, snapping to look at him. “Wait, you mean you- ??”
The king chuckled, throwing away the alcohol wipes. “I’m sure I have no idea what you mean.”
“Did you have boobs ???”
Nightmare barked a laugh, throwing his head back. You stared at him with wide eyes, enamored by this concept.
“You gotta show me,” you insisted, making him laugh harder.
“I have to do nothing of the sort.”
“Boss,”
“Horror is calling you for lunch, human. Get out of my office.”
Mind still blown from your revelation, you nodded, scooping everything back into your arms. Nightmare sat down at his desk, sliding papers in front of him as he chuckled.
“Can I see after lunch??”
“I can’t hear you, I’m doing paperwork.”
Sticking your tongue out at him, you bid his command and left his office, feeling slightly more at home than when you entered.
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annieradcliff · 1 year
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Worry
@bullet-prooflove  @daniacat  @cosmic-psychickitty
“What were you doing out there? It’s minus 10 degrees!” Lanik snapped gruffly, placing his stethoscope over your heart and lungs, listening intently. Even though he wasn’t the doctor assigned to your case given his relationship with you, that didn’t stop him from checking you out himself to make sure you were all right.
Of course, he knew the reason you were outside on Med’s 10th floor balcony, especially after the horrible day you’ve had - the coldest day of a typical Chicago winter not much of a deterrent for you. The court decided against your petition in the case you had so carefully constructed over the past month and that decision had shattered you. It sent you reeling the way it always did in social services when your client was a child in need of your advocacy. Despite all your efforts and late nights working up a plan, the matter was concluded with the stroke of a pen and the strike of the gavel.
Now you found yourself in a hospital bed recovering from hypothermia. You looked up at Jimmy who was avoiding eye contact as he made adjustments to the multiple leads and tubes connected to you.
“Jimmy, after everything that happened today, I just … needed a moment alone. To contemplate.”
His gaze finally fell on you. The concern was definitely there, but so was a fair amount of anger.
“Contemplate what exactly?” he said a bit gruffly, as he busied himself with checking the output monitor dials. He knew he’d find everything in place and in perfect working order, but he was trying to suppress the crushing anxiety he felt by keeping himself occupied. He was on the verge of being overwhelmed at how close he came to losing you today. When you’d been brought inside and taken to the ED, you were in hypothermia and bradycardic. And he felt powerless in the face of it and he hated that. He had to watch helplessly from outside the trauma bay as the ED team worked hard to get your vitals and core temperature stabilized.
You could see the spiral of worry in him and decided it was time to snap him out of this before he went further down the rabbit hole of “what ifs”.
“Well, Jimmy – if you must know, I was contemplating the universe and my place in it.”
That response caught him off guard as you expected it would. He looked hard at you for moment and you couldn’t resist an impish glint when you locked eyes with him.  He knew what you were doing and it amazed him again how well you knew him.
“Well, did you find it – your place in the universe?” his tone softened and lost the harshness from earlier.
“Not out there on the balcony today – but I’m sure I’ll find it with you.”
He smiled, shaking his head slightly before reaching out and taking your hand. “You scared the hell out of me today, Y/N.” he said quietly.
You interlaced your fingers with his. “I know and I’m so sorry. After everything that happened at the courthouse, I wanted a moment alone. It didn’t feel that cold when I first went out there. Time got away from me ...”
He sighed deeply, the whole of the traumatic events finally pouring out of him. He looked down at you, his expressive eyes reflecting his love for you.
“Please come find me whenever it gets that bad, okay? Don’t carry that burden alone. I’m here. Always.”
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ina-nis · 9 months
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Don’t want to detract or take away from the original post, so I’m making a new one. This is so incredible important and another reason why I feel like AvPD belongs to/is in the schizo-spectrum of disorders.
To give some background: most my experiences with psychotropics were terrible. I got severe side effects, some of which I still haven’t recovered from (and likely will not) and more serious things, such as seizures.
Doctors don’t tell you those things because... well, “these are rare side effects” and “they will pass as you get used to the medication” and “it’s just a matter of adjusting the dosage” and “maybe you need a mix of different medications” and so on.
What was really striking for me was the fact that my symptoms - aka the whole damn reason I was taking those things - didn’t even improve? But I got flooded with negative symptoms. I felt like a zombie on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds always made me sleepy and aloof. I was apathetic and didn’t feel like myself at all, didn’t even feel like a person at that.
Now I can see why. Probably AvPD. I experience a lot of negative symptoms while dealing with this disorder - it’s the whole reason why I try so hard to just... do things. If it were up to my brain, I would just stay still forever. Because I keep on trying, I can “manage” these symptoms, but the flipside is the positive ones (that definitely could benefit from medication).
In the end, I get the “best” of both worlds and try to get by however I can knowing that, for me personally, medication that is supposed to help might not help at all and could cause more symptoms and/or worsen the negative symptoms I already deal with.
If I stop to think about it, that explains why I feel so exhausted and feel like socializing is just a waste of time, there’s no pleasure in it, but there’s a lot of prospective pain, for sure.
That’s also the reason why I mostly can relate more to my Cluster A siblings, since we share a lot of these negative symptoms.
I have not seen literature on AvPD and its isolation as a negative symptom of the schizo-spectrum kind, but mostly as a result of Social Anxiety or Generalized Anxiety. They both can be true and affect different people.
I guess this is a good thing to think about.
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Last night, I had a dream that I went to a clinic to discuss changing (increasing) the dose on my anxiety meds, which is a thing I’ve been thinking about doing in real life, due to my increased baseline levels of anxiety in the last six weeks, which may or may not be related to the fact that I haven’t had alcohol for six weeks and that’s longer than I’ve gone without it in over a decade. So you can see why this got into my dream.
When I got to the clinic, John Robins was the doctor I saw. But it wasn’t some surreal situation of “what if you went to a clinic but instead of a doctor, it was John Robins?” My dream played the whole thing very straight. I was briefly surprised to see John Robins, until I remembered that I did know he has his medical doctor license and sometimes practices in Canada, and I guess that’s a cool coincidence that I happened to get him. When I saw him, I got really excited about seeing a comedian I liked, and then I immediately got apologetic and tried to backtrack and clarify that this is a coincidence, I’m a fan of his but it’s not like I came here because I’m a fan of his, I’m not trying to use a medical facility for the inappropriate purpose of meeting a comedian, I genuinely have a medical issue and I’m sorry if my initial excitement made it seem like I might have just wanted to meet John Robins. Which is, I think, exactly what I’d do if this somehow happened in real life. Like I said, the whole scenario was played straight.
(Note for those who don’t know: Benzodiazepines are not the anxiety medication I take every day, I have only taken them I think three times in my life, the most recent time was about two weeks ago, and every time I’ve taken them, it’s been because I was in a hospital emergency room during a severe panic attack/mental health crisis and the doctor there gave it to me directly. Which I think is a reasonable use of benzodiazepines, in an emergency situation to calm someone down. Those things do calm people down, but they do it by producing an effect that’s like a recreational high, which is why those drugs are often used recreationally. And like some other recreational drugs, it can be very easy to become severely addicted to them, which causes terrifying withdrawal symptoms among other things, and there’s a huge problem with people getting addicted after using them recreationally, but even some who get addicted after only taking them exactly as prescribed by a doctor. I have been prescribed them several times in my life, most recently when I was in the hospital two weeks ago, and never with sufficient warning about the potential for addiction, so I have never filled the prescription because it seems too risky. That is a very different thing from the anxiety pills I take daily that are safe medication.)
The scene continued to be played straight – no vague dream nonsense, I remember every detail and this all made perfect sense within the context – when I told John Robins that I think I need to up my dose for anxiety medication, and his response was to pour some Coke into a cup, drop two benzodiazepine pills into the cup, add a bunch of rum, drink about 3/4 of the mixture himself, and then hand it to me. He told me that this is the anxiety medication he takes and it works great, he recommends I try the same thing. So I did, and then things did start to go fuzzy.
If my life were a movie, someone would write in a dream sequence where that happened, and a viewer would justifiably say, "Oh come on, that's a little on the nose, no one really has dreams that are that specifically thematic to what they've been thinking of in real life."
So, in case anyone’s wondering where I’m at in my emotional journey that goes along with abstaining from alcohol after six weeks, it's there. It's at the point where you start having dreams like that.
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we are not our demons (1/24) - bruce wayne x batmom
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Gif by aquamancienne
Summary: Three months after the Strange incident, as Ellie called it, and her break-up with Gotham’s beloved billionaire, Bruce Wayne, an evil lurks in the shadows. Forever changed from her tormentor, Ellie Rhodes is still struggling with her mental state. Nothing could have warned her or Bruce’s family what tragedy would await them. (95k words)
Author’s note: So, we are back…
Oh God, I finished this chapter a YEAR ago, it kinda feels like it. It's been such a long time. All the chapters are already written down, so there shouldn't be any hiccups with the updates. I got a beta, guys. One of the reasons why it took like months to get this out.
brigs.broadmann, JennaFennix and Heidi were true saviours in helping me flesh this out.
Go wish my boy Tim Drake a happy birthday. 🍰
Warning: mental health issues
Series Masterlist | Want to be tagged? | Read on AO3
You don’t get in my brain
You don’t fill up the spaces
I don’t whisper your name
Now that I’ve built a fortress
-Fortress by Lennon Stella-
~ Previously on We are Not Our Masks ~
“I was wondering if you would like the position as my Head of IT?”
“Uh, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to presume, but … oh my God. Is this a date?!”
“Tell the reception your name and that Dr. Crane sent you.”
“I am real, okay? Please, you must be strong now, for me. I am here with you, and I’m not leaving you.”
“You know, I think this is the first time Tim willingly hugged someone.” A bitter chuckle resounded behind her. “Of course, it was when you decided to leave.”
~ Three months later ~
Ellie winced as she opened her eyes, at once closing them again. She shielded herself from the bright sunlight, trying to prevent any throbbing pains. She had closed the blinds last night, but a few beams of sunlight still shone through the barrier. Ellie reminded herself to close the curtains as well to be on the safe side if she didn’t want to suffer anymore.
After the whole Strange incident, Ellie saw no other way but to seek out a psychiatrist. After receiving a recommendation from the leading neurologists in Gotham, she sought a renowned counselor in Blüdhaven. During one of those sessions, it was revealed that the specific experiment Strange put her under had managed to manipulate the center of her brain that controlled her pain response and lung control. The result being when she experienced anxiety, a piercing migraine was soon to follow.
She sighed and felt the muscles in her neck tense up. This was going to be a long day. Her bones ached with every movement as she stepped out of bed. To awaken her senses Ellie made herself a cup of tea, experiencing muted aches behind her eyelids along the way. Unfortunately, she felt far too sore to even put on her glasses. After opening the case with her meds on her nightstand, Ellie broke one piece in half before downing it with a healthy gulp.
Her psychiatrist had prescribed her medication, which was supposed to treat her condition. She had been told that this traumatic event left her with PTSD. At first, Ellie had believed she had some sort of psychosomatic affliction because she kept on getting these migraines in certain situations.
A flick of her wrist and the TV in the living room came to life.
“Can you tell us where Mr. Wayne is, Mr. Fox?”
“I can assure you that the presence of Bruce—”
Ellie shook her head, trying to erase that name from her memory.
Another channel.
“It looks like the Bat of Gotham City has been keeping busy. Last month, the caped crusader held vigilance. So much so that criminals like Riddler and Poison Ivy were sent straight to Arkham. But not without getting some bruises along the way—”
Ellie groaned and turned off the television altogether. Knowing that she was close to jabbing the remote at her temple repeatedly, she braced her palms against the counter and tried to find a reprieve amid the restless feelings inside her. Taking a deep breath, Ellie let out a muffled sigh into the hands covering her face. Another breath and her eyes were gazing between her loose fingertips.
No matter where she went, she could not escape her ex-boyfriend it seemed. She should have known what it was like dating a billionaire, except for the dressing up in the night to beat up thugs part.
Ellie turned her head when she heard the landline ring. She recognized the familiar number and winced at the memory of when she last called. Before Ellie could talk herself out of it, her hand wound around the receiver and lifted it to her ear.
“Hey, you.”
Alyssa scoffed. “What do you mean by ‘Hey, you’? I had to hear from Arthur what happened to you a few weeks ago?”
Ellie furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, tilting her head. “Wait, what, how?”
“Yep. You got kidnapped—again, might I add—and I only find out about it now through my boyfriend?”
Ellie was racking her brain about how Arthur Curry, of all people, would know about this in the first place and came up short. She waved her hand in the air. “Okay, clear up the confusion, how does he know about it?”
Alyssa sighed deeply and Ellie could sense she was rolling her eyes. “Hell, if I know. He said Diana told him.”
Ellie frowned. Her thoughts were all over the place, trying to make sense of this weird connection diagram. “Wait, what? How does he know Diana?”
“Beats me. One day he just did. He’s being all mysterious about it,” Alyssa grumbled.
Her tone of voice made Ellie believe with high certainty that she just hated being kept out of the loop. Welcome to the club. Raising her eyebrows Ellie asked, “Arthur? Are we still talking about the same person? He might be closed-off and stubborn to a fault, but mysterious?”
“Stop deflecting, Ellie.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to bother you and give you a status update on the other kidnapping session. I had my own stuff to deal with.” Her eyes met the open pages of her planner, which had the words ‘Dr. Foster—15:30’ highlighted with a red circle. Alyssa was silent for a few seconds.
“Tell me.”
Ellie sighed, pondering what she last told her about Bruce, and inwardly winced.
“So… here’s the thing. Remember when I told you that Bruce had given me a job offer and that I took him up on that?”
“Yes?”
“Well, he did offer more than just a job, if you know what I mean,” she whispered.
“Okay, do I need to sit down for this? I’m getting the feeling I need to sit down for a bit.” Alyssa’s last sentence sounded muffled, like she was talking to herself.
“It was intense, and Bruce was great, but … it didn’t work out.”
There was silence on Alyssa’s end.
“Lyss?”
“Sorry, I just … are you telling me you had sex with Bruce Wayne? Several times?”
Ellie bit her lower lip and felt her eyebrows arch high, while giving it some consideration. “Yep?”
The next sound she heard was a drawn-out and tortured groan. “I want to hit you so bad through the phone right now. And you didn’t tell me this?”
Ellie slowly shook her head in thought, shrugging. “It … just went so fast. I could barely process it.”
“Well…?”
Ellie raised her eyebrows. “Well, what?”
“Well, how was it? I need the details; you owe me that much. I need to live through you now that you have snatched up Bruce.”
“I didn’t… not anymore. He was …” Ellie sighed, nibbling on her lower lip, remembering all the small things about him. The good and the bad. Her hand covered her forehead to cool her overheated brain from the mess she was in. “Intense. Passionate. Different.”
“Uh huh… details of the sex, please,” Alyssa said eagerly.
Ellie rolled her eyes. “Bruce knew what he was doing, just leave it at that.”
Alyssa groaned. “That’s why you call me the minute it happens and not when it is tainted by, you know, your break-up. What happened?”
Ellie put a strand of her hair behind her ear.
“Secrets. Secrets happened. And ultimately, Bruce didn’t trust me.”
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The sound of honking cars encompassed Ellie as she swerved through the crowds of people also trying to get to work. God, sometimes she couldn’t take these masses all around her. Blinking rapidly to ward off the beaming sun rays, she fiddled with the glasses on the bridge of her nose.
It was probably her mind playing tricks on her, since the Autumn weather and the orange leaves hanging on the trees weren’t too invasive. Regardless, Ellie felt like a vampire who couldn’t take the sun any longer.
Ellie cleared her throat and closed her eyes when she felt her skin getting warm. Oh jeez, not again. Beads of sweat were gathering on her clavicle, heating up her skin. It felt like a mixture of growing nausea and close to fainting on the streets.
To ward off the outside world, Ellie kept her eyes closed. She breathed in again and let the air out. Just a few more breaths and this would all be over. The surrounding noises muted into muffled ones in her ears, leaving her anxiety behind.
“Ellie?”
The familiar voice startled her before she turned her head to find Dick Grayson standing beside her.
“Oh my God. Hey, Richard.” Ellie pushed her glasses higher as soon as it hit her that she was facing someone familiar. The sensation of genuine happiness flowed through her, it felt exhilarating to see the oldest Wayne son again. Ellie hugged him briefly, still trying to get used to the touching part. “How are you? What are you doing here?”
“I’m guessing the same as you.” Dick pointed to his badge on his belt and the same travel mug he was carrying. “Getting to work.”
“Oh right.” Ellie palmed her forehead in embarrassment. “Bruce…” She cleared her throat, turning her head away. “He told me you were a detective in Blüdhaven.”
Dick nodded, seeming to get the weird tension with the mentioned big bat. “Right, now a detective in Gotham. Do you have some time to talk?”
She looked briefly at her watch and sighed. “Yeah, sure.”
“Walk with me.”
“So, how are you?” Ellie said, trying her best with small talk.
Dick nodded, with a soft smile playing on his lips. “I’m good. Good.” He sighed.
Ellie pursed her lips, hoping he would understand the meaning behind her next words. “So, which one are you?”
Dick chuckled, scratching his scruffy jaw.
“You’re the oldest. So, I’m guessing … Nightwing?” she whispered since she didn’t want to blab his secret out in the streets.
Dick smirked. “Bingo.”
Ellie coughed, feeling memories coming back. “You were there that night. You know when it first happened with Strange and Scarecrow.”
“Yes. I wasn’t aware that you remembered everything from that evening.”
“Trust me, I wish I didn’t,” Ellie said, turning her head away. “So, … every single one of you is…?” She waved towards his body as if that would suffice as a question, but Dick seemed to get it, nonetheless.
The raven-haired man shook his head with a smile. “Not all of us.”
“Oh, thank God.” Ellie lowered her head. “Don’t get me wrong. It’s just—”
“I get it, believe me. And before you ask, no. Tim is not a vigilante who’s beating up criminals at night.”
Ellie bit her lip nervously. “I don’t know how I would have reacted if I had known that Tim was like this as well.” She hugged herself. “How is Tim by the way?”
Dick’s gaze turned soft, and he shrugged. “He’s all right. The boy’s missing you.”
“I miss him too,” Ellie whispered, stroking her arms.
“Hard to believe, I mean, you only spent a little more than a week with us, but … you grew on us.”
Ellie shared a soft smile with him. “Even Damian?”
“Damian is missing you in his own way. Just like Bruce.”
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“Again!”
With his arms braced, Damian stayed on the training ground for a second before jumping in the air and trying to reach his father’s throat. Bruce merely slapped his hands away.
“You’re not thinking clearly,” Bruce reminded him, sweat pooling down the sides of his head. His body side-stepped casually, almost like the technique of his son, was starting to bore him.
“And you are, father?” Damian provoked, delivering a flurry of attacks that had the resemblance of a dancing effort.
Bruce pulled in a cleansing breath, not letting himself lose focus with Damian’s cajoling tone.
“If I would use my knives on you, you’d be dead already.”
“Then prove it.”
Alfred’s apathetic voice resounded through the Batcave, “I think that’s enough. I’d rather not clean up after you again like with the Funhouse incident.” Bruce didn’t need to turn his head to know that the butler didn’t even glance at them while speaking, like the omniscient man he was.
Bruce halted his movements but stayed in a defensive stance. A few seconds later, Damian chose to strike again with grunts following his movements. “Not our fault, Alfred.”
Alfred’s voice could be taken as reproachful. “Really, Master Wayne? Both of your suits were bathed in blood. You almost made me believe we should give your ensemble a different color, just like that red-hooded vigilante who is running around killing people.”
“Don’t remind me,” Damian interjected before continuing, “We still have unfinished business. That guy just shot a criminal before I could get to him,” the young boy hissed under his breath, almost like he loathed to admit it.
Alfred raised his eyebrows. “Going slow already, Master Damian?”
Despite being engrossed in a training session, Damian scoffed derisively. “You wish, old man.” He didn’t even bother turning around to see the butler’s reaction, who was in turn breathing deeply, like he was trying for patience.
The instant, Damian’s pupils moved to the right. Bruce used this opportunity to knock him to the ground, pressing his knee against his throat. He knew that his son would only walk away from a fight when he was bested. “Ugh, fine!”
Bruce stepped back, grabbing a towel to dry off his face from the exercise. Damian glared when his father threw one at his face—perfectly aware of his fast reflexes—but nevertheless cleansed himself as well.
His father had his back turned towards him when Bruce reminded him, “You need to focus yourself more. That was sloppy of you.” He could essentially sense the boy’s trademark eyeroll when his steps receded.
Still, Damian was known for always needing to get the last word in and he didn’t disappoint. “Careful, you almost sounded like grandfather right there.”
His stomach was coiled into knots at the not so thinly veiled insult from his son. Bruce peered at his mentor and father figure for a few seconds, realizing something. He leaned against the chair at the Batcomputer. “Okay, have at it.”
Alfred pursed his lips, tilting his head. But if there was one thing, he could not fool him with, it was his eyes. They were always shining with a specific kind of emotion. Either it was wisdom, or the master of sass was revealing himself yet again.
“Whatever do you mean?”
Bruce chuckled, turning his head away from the display shortly after. “Oh, please. You are here to lecture me. I know all the signs, ever since I was a kid.”
Alfred sighed, as though in emotional preparation. “All right. Let us talk about the mindless violence you have been delivering to Gotham’s criminals as if you were trying to live up to Damian’s standards or reenact the old days. Quite unusual, I must say.”
Bruce shrugged, his mask already falling into place. “It was necessary. A means to an end.”
“To what end, though?”
Only the squeaking of bats and the waterfall could be heard through the Batcave.
“Fine,” Alfred sighed. He was tensing his shoulders as if he was about to deliver a grand missile in his back pocket. “Do you know what I believe, Sir?”
His smile twisted, not liking where this was going. “You’re probably going to tell me one way or another.” Bruce couldn’t stop twitching, his index and middle finger tapping a rapid rhythm against his upper thigh.
“Miss Rhodes has rejected you, both Batman and the man behind it. And you would rather hide behind this persona—” Bruce didn’t need to turn around to know that Alfred was pointing to the graffiti-defiled suit Jason had worn during his death, “—than face it. But one thing you might not realize, you are not only punishing the bad guys, but you’re also punishing yourself.”
“Alfred, are you also intending to be a psychiatrist?”
Alfred nodded to himself with a stiff neck before his gaze caught something else. “Are you intending to become Miss Rhodes’s personal stalker?”
Her name and Alfred’s pointed glare made him turn and stare at one monitor which traced all her movements on the CCTV cameras of Gotham. She was shopping for groceries, maybe even making herself some dinner before potentially falling asleep in front of the TV. With his next inhaling breath, Bruce managed to still his fingers, keeping them steady at his side.
If Ellie knew what he was doing she would come storming in with threats and stormy glares. Oh, how he missed her small size. But he would rather take the possibility of her fury than live in this reality.
And with those words (Alfred was good with this—delivering a blow and dropping the metaphorical mic) he left Bruce to his thoughts.
What Alfred did not know was Bruce knew exactly what he was doing, and that he knew no other way but to punish himself.
Tagging: @mellowstatesmanhandsempath​ @ravenmoore14​ @alwayshave-faith​ @ikranfuad​ @daydreaming-gemini​ @bluegalaxyprime​ @liadamerondjarin​ @steph21369 @andrewswifes-blog​ 
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iero · 2 years
Text
Little personal pain rant. Sorry. 
I’ve had the worst fucking toothache since the beginning of this week and I, for some odd reason, pinned it down on my anxiety over my interview yesterday, but it’s now the day after and I’m in so much pain and I KNOW it’s probably gonna be another tooth that needs pulled (If it is, this will be my, like, third tooth removed in, like, four years. My teeth are made of paper or something. I brush my teeth but it’s, like, I’m addicted to sugar and caffeine unfortunately.) AND my current dentist office... When I went to them last year for the same reason, they were all absolutely RUDE as fuck to me. Like everyone except the receptionist were incredibly mean and judgmental to me, so I’m like... Afraid to go back, but I know if I call a new dentist to try to make an appointment, it would probably take longer to get one because I would be a new patient and I don’t want to call and immediately be like, “Hi, I’ve never been to your office, but I kinda have an emergency.” because I just feel that would be rude to them maybe? Also, I don’t wanna go clog up an urgent care or worse, the ER at the hospital, because I just get the feeling they wouldn’t believe me and that I’m just trying to get pain meds. I don’t know? I’ve been surviving off of high amounts of ibuprofen to get me through this whole week. I literally don’t know what to fucking do LMAO. 
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ignitesthestxrs · 10 months
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hi! absolutely no pressure to answer if you don’t feel like it, but I’m just starting on adhd meds and trying to track the changes and trying to figure out if these particular meds are working well for me etc. so I’ve been asking around for other people’s experiences, and I was curious how long it took until you noticed a marked difference? again no worries if you don’t feel like responding! anyway I also just wanted to say that your posts about seeking a diagnosis and getting on medication were among one of the first factors that finally convinced me to try to do it too. so thank you 💜💜
<3 <3 i'm really glad you were about to get a diagnosis and start figuring shit out bud, that's really good! i am happy to further share my experience, do not Worry.
since my diagnosis i have been on 2 kinds of meds - my psych wanted to start me out on non-stimulants because of my anxiety diagnosis which seemed reasonable to me lol.
so i started on atomoxetine, which typically has a bit of a ramp up period (classic of most SNRIs, which can take up to 6-8 weeks to work). however, i am: extremely overreactive when taking any new substance, something that happens any time i take something that's supposed to change my behaviour in some way, and which i have absolutely no idea whether it's a physiological effect, or if i'm just really good at placeboing myself
(is it placebo if you're taking something that is actually supposed to have an effect, just not immediately??)
either way! i got a pretty immediate jump from starting the atomoxetine, which could be due to the drug, but could also be due to the boost of like, successfully Doing Something About Your Symptoms. All this to say: i would not read too much into your behaviour in the immediate wake of starting a new drug, just because it can be really hard to pick out what is the drug, and what is you feeling excited/nervous/productive because you are Finally Taking Action and Might Have A Fix For The Weird Stone You Have Realised Has Been Tied Around Your Ankle Your Whole Life
LONG TERM - my experience with atomoxetine was that it Helped. the overall behaviour effects were:
started noticing tasks that required doing more often. things that usually i wouldn't notice/care/bother with for days to weeks now started popping up in my attention bubble within hours/days instead
extremely minor things that used to feel like Too Much i started to do without second thought. one of the extreme examples of this - i used to drop things a lot? and when i dropped them, i would just kind of leave them where they fell? because the idea of having to pick up the thing and figure out what to do with it now that it was a thing that had touched the floor was overwhelming. post medication, not only was that no longer overwhelming, i didn't even think about it lol. i just fucking picked the thing up and put it where it needed to be
look i didn't become a GREAT housekeeper, but i certainly got better. this was also paired with behaviour/purchasing changes i made - i have all my clothes in clear drawers or hangers, i have the drawers positioned in the place where i have to move the least to get to them, i have configured my room in a way that makes it easier to move around, i purchased multiple bins so that i could have them in multiple locations because i realised i was more likely to use one if it was There than i was to move to the Single Bin Location. i have made a lot of these changes over the house in general, which is probably a whole separate post lol
time? changed? this one is extremely difficult to explain to neurotypicals, but was the most significant shift in being medicated for me (other than not staring at things i dropped and then just walking away lmao). but i didn't realised HOW FUCKED UP TIME WAS until it wasn't anymore. like it used to be that i would feel that i could Only Do One Task on a WHOLE WEEKEND and that could be task (housework) or task (leisure). this would be something that would take like, 1,2, maybe 3 hours and then i would be like that's IT that's the WHOLE WEEKEND i cannot do ANY OTHER THING except LIE HERE AND PLAY GAMES TO SOOTH THE BRAIN HAMSTER WHEEL. same thing with after work time. like a) work was exhausting me in general for adhd reasons lol but b) i would finish work and think 'wow i have no time to do anything now, guess i'll just die (lie here and play games)'.
reader, i finished work at 4pm and went to sleep at 11pm, i had SO MUCH TIME (sorry this is not a new point but i can't figure out how to insert a paragraph break and indent it so here we are). pre-medication, my experience of time was entirely task and boredom based. if i hated something, a minute could be an hour. it dripped. it stretched. it warped. it physically hurt. and then other times if i was involved in a task, time would zip by. where had it gone. where had i gone. being medicated took all those hills and valleys and just smoothed them out. i don't have the time agonies anymore. the last 15 minutes of the work day still drag a bit, but i don't physically want to shove my head in a bucket of water and sscream about it anymore. i can organise multiple schedules and events and tasks over a weekend or in the evening or across the week without feeling like i've used up a finite Allotment Of Tasks. like this was the real reality-changing effect for me. my whole perception of how much space my life contained for things other than 'recovering from a Task' changed dramatically. it changed my relationship with tasks, hobbies, friendships, all of it.
my emotional state flattened out a lot. this is a significant effect of the atomoxetine actually, because (spoilers) this is NOT an effect provided by rubifen (ritalin) which is what i am now on. i consider this to be a kind of 50/50 effect that upon comparison, i didn't really love. i am? kind of an emotionally...large person as a general rule, and while that comes with a lot of shitty lows and impulse control issues, it also comes with an intensity of experience that is like,,,,good. i like it. i am not talking about bipolar or other diagnosable behaviour in my particular situation and definitely would not make the comparison lol. but while i did find that being on atomoxetine probably made me more level headed and less inclined to embarrass myself, i also felt Less Like Me. like i think the year i was on this drug was a good cool down/rebuild period of my life that i probably needed after 2020/early 2021, but idk, i like the exciteable dumbass side of myself, you know? that's something i would rather temper with Mental Health Tools and idk mindfulness than with medication. this was similar to my experience with citalopram (for depression) when i was younger, actually. i just don't enjoy being Flat, i find it boring and uninteresting and i think it makes me boring and uninteresting. which again is fine for a recovery year, but not as an overall lifestyle choice
i got hella nauseous. which i something i didn't pick up on until after i stopped taking it actually, i just thought it was because i was fat and ate Bad Food, except i stopped taking it and the nausea went away. this more than anything is why i wouldn't go Back to atomoxetine - i didn't realise how fucking draining it was to feel vaguely fuckin ill all the time until i didn't feel that way anymore
SO IF ATOMOXETINE WAS SO GREAT (MOSTLY) WHY DID I CHANGE?
the initial Burst of change leveled out after a few months and as i got used to my new base level i felt...discontent? it was like i had tasted Normal for the first time, but i still had to work really hard every day to get back to that point? i had this booster on board and it was Better, but it was like i'd been given an extra 20% capacity from a starting point of 20% capacity. like sure, i was firing at 40% now, which was DOUBLE of previous and unarguably a better experience for me overall, but i couldn't help but be aware that it wasn't 100%, or even 50%, of the experience a Standard Neurotypical was pulling on the daily. basically, the drug was good, but i wanted to know if i could Have More. and also my anxiety is under control via another drug, and i felt pretty confident after a year of getting my legs back under me and rebuilding my brain that i could weather the stimulant weirdness in the name of Is There Something More? and also there were atomoxetine shortages all the fucking time that meant they were switching between brands every month or two, and i KNOW that generic and brand names are supposed to be the same, but explain that to my fucking stomach every time i had to switch back and forth. like it was just prescribed surprised misery for a few days at random depending on when the shortages happened and i didn't want it anymore
so i started rubifen, which is basically ritalin, unless you were on ritalin before the NZ govt made the change to what they were subsidising, in which case most people would argue they are not the fucking same (for whatever reason! psychosomatic side effects are still experienced as though they are Real by the patient!). rubifen is a stimulant, science name methylphenidate, and ngl a part of my impetus for going on it was that i was in the 'wow i'm dangerously fat for my health' phase of my journey and wanted to see if taking the speed-lite would help curb my appetite (kind of, but only in the sense that it helped curb my impulse control).
the difference between taking a stimulant and taking an SNRI is that the stimulant Hits U Fast. That shit gets in you and then gets out of you. I take slow-release tablets, so the effect lasts for around 8 hours (eg enough to get me through the work day), so that is the context for what i'm talking about now. so rather than a slow building consistent effect that sustains itself across days, a stimulant is applying an effect for a set period of time and then wearing off.
a lot of the effects were the same as what i listed for the atomoxetine, just better! the Time Thing really fucking improved, like....my work day is just a normal day. it doesn't feel like an ice age, and the week doesn't feel like the slow inevitable crawl towards death!
my focus really improved a lot. and when i say improved, i mean that my control over that focus improved? like i can Choose 'engage focus now' and that like, works. pre-diagnosis, i had gotten to a point where i could only work on a task at work for like, 2 minutes (literally. 2 minutes) at a time before i had to look at something else for like, 10 minutes. i came so close to losing my job lmfao. i'm much better at knuckling down and getting shit down now
my emotional regulation is not as strong as it was on the atomoxetine. as stated above, this is a mixed back. emotional disregulation is not like All Fun All The Time, but it does feel like a fundamental part of Me. do i wish that rejection didn't feel so much like getting punched in the face, and that i was less inclined to jump to start talking extremely knowledgably about something i learnt 5 minutes ago? yes very. but also, idk, all of that is survivable. i have therapy tools and shit to deal with a lot of the intense lows of that experience, and they're still not as intense as they were when i was on no medication at all.
i interrupt people less (than pre-diagnosis) but am more aware of holding myself back while on the stimulants than on the atomoxetine. the difference between interrupting, not having anything to say at all, and having something to say and getting to smugly sit there @ yourself like good job Han for not interrupting.
the effects still...build in a way, even though i can tell the difference between days i take rubifen and days i don't (i often forget or don't bother in the weekend, for tolerance reasons and lazy reasons). because being on the medication allows me to change my behaviour while i'm on it, the change in behaviour carries momentum even if i'm not taking the drug Right Now. so like, i'll still do things in the evening even if the actual physical effects of focus assistance etc have worn off by about 3-4pm, because a) i'm not fucking exhausted from fighting my brain all day and b) i have new habits that have been formed under the influence of the meds, right? and those patterns are much easier to continue following even if you don't have the medication impetus driving you, once they've been set up. like it's not just the medication that helps you, it's the architecture of your life that you are then able to construct as a result of being medicated that helps carry you through.
oh another really notable side effect of both drugs is that it used to be SO HARD to get up. S O HA RD. as in, i would lie in bed for hours arguing with myself about getting up and simply not do it. for hours. and i wouldnt do anythying else either! it was the worst kind of paralysis. i just couldn't make myself move until the overwhelming guilt of Wasting Time would finally prompt me into action. i don't do this anymore! it's fucking wonderful!
stimulants don't affect people with adhd in the same way they do neurotypicals! like neurotypicals often describe hyper-focus and getting into a Flow State, and every adhd person i've ever spoken to has been like no these are the drugs that make me feel Normal. obviously all of this is anecdote! but anecdotally, the experience tends to be less about 'i take the medication, i become Superhuman' and more about that shift that i mentioned earlier between 'i used to drop things on the ground, stare at them, and walk away' and 'when i drop things now, i pick them up without evening noticing'. the effect of medication is not like being hit over the head with a different, more capable personality, it's just that connections that are everyday, kind of thoughtless things in a neurotypical person have always been things that you have had to Consciously Put Effort Into before, and now you don't. And it's hard to notice things that you are suddenly doing unconsciously! Because you're not thinking about them, that is the point! it's a really weird experience, to be changed so thoroughly, in ways that are completely out of your control (beyond taking the meds), but largely benign.
having also been on meds for anxiety for a long time, i find the comparison between the two experiences really interesting. like for me, my anxiety meds feel like medical therapy. like they are taking care of stuff that i do think a good cognitive behavioural therapist and weekly sessions could ALSO help a lot with, but who has the money or the time in this era. anxiety for me feels like a scale, and my medication for it just sets my baseline higher on that scale than it ordinarily would be
adhd on the other hand is an on/off button. there are effects that adhd has on my life and experience that no therapy could fix more me. therapy can't fix my experience of time,,, it can't fix the three hour argument with myself on the weekend about getting up, it can't fix the like,,,mechanical, thoughtless, body-driven experience of my adhd. but medication can! being on meds changed so much about my life experience that i didn't know was possible to switch on or off, and i would not have access to those buttons without the meds.
i hope? this was useful? it was certainly long enough (per usual). if you have other questions or wanna know more about Specific Thing, u (or anyone) can always feel free to hit me up <3 wishing u the best on you ur journey with this shit anon!!
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lucysweatslove · 2 years
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I’m gonna be talking about weight, body image, disordered eating, health and medical anxiety, generally triggering things so I’m putting it under a read more. It’s really just a ramble and nothing worth reading- a brain dump for me more than anything else. For those who don’t want to read more but want to just know- I’m doing okay but life has had other plans and I may have something actually wrong health-wise which has been triggering for me.
So, way back in 2018 I gained like 30 lbs in 2 months (mid October to mid December). I was devastated. I had already gained 20-25 lbs or so during actual recovery from my disordered eating which I was doing on my own/without support, so I was really struggling. I was so ashamed of the weight gain and how I looked that I didn’t want to see my PCP (note: she was an NP, but that doesn’t impact what I think of her- I didn’t want to see her because of my own shame and thinking I should just be able to manage my weight on my own). So here I was sitting around 180-185 lbs and for the first time in my life actually obese, not sure how to cope. I was confused about how I could’ve gained that much so quickly- I didn’t buy Halloween candy that year, gained the weight before Christmas, and didn’t do thanksgiving festivities even. My eating habits hadn’t seemed to change, and there was no way I was suddenly that much less active. But still I blamed myself.
Not even a month later I started a new job and also decided I wanted to try to diet again because I hated my body’s new “fat” appearance. Except I was worried about calorie counting being triggering. I was newly married and planning our actual wedding, so while I wanted to be “shedding for the wedding” (VOMIT) I also didn’t want to go back to Hell aka rigid restrictive eating that would drive wedges in all of my relationships. I tried going back to the gym and eating a lot of chicken breast and veggies, thinking if I restricted TYPES of food I would be fine. LOL NOPE. I tried keto thinking it would be a way to not fixate on calories… this was unsustainable because I just didn’t have enough options and I LOVE LOVE LOVE fruit. Each attempt at whatever I did was met with initial weight loss and then extreme hunger, a big trip, some outing, my actual wedding, which would kick me out of that mindset and I’d gain it all back. At one point I thought it was my antidepressant (since it made it hard to care about anything), so I went off of that, had a bad reaction to another one, and then essentially didn’t have a medication for months. Including on my wedding.
By the end of 2019 I was essentially that same 180ish lbs, and I had decided I needed to “get my life back.” I got on a new antidepressant shortly after an illness, and I realized I was sitting on my hands waiting for somebody to give me permission to apply to med school. So I decided to face my insecurity regarding my “downward trend” (due to health reasons) in undergrad by… going to grad school. I applied in early 2020. I started to go back to the gym, count calories, I really thought it would be fine since I didn’t have fear foods anymore and felt “basically recovered.” Like, calories were the less extreme option because it gave room for me to eat all the foods I love.
And then I started getting back spasms, and the fevers started, and I started and graduated grad school, and then my husband needed new hips, and I got a new job, and littered in all of that were attempts to just mindfully eat more produce and love my body more. At one point in grad school, I admit to buying really low calorie dehydrated food packs to “make the most of my winter break” but it was absolutely MISERABLE to eat those and it got super cold and I just said nope, not going back. Throughout that time, I just thought that I was fat now, and that’s all anybody would see. I honestly doubted that my disordered eating was ever problematic MULTIPLE times because… I’m fat now? That’s literally it, that’s the whole reason I started to invalidate my own experience. School and work and health issues had really decreased my activity and focus on health and nutrition, I felt awful in my body physically, and I had no idea how to make any kind of actual healthy change because up until this point, and even at this point, I only knew “health and wellness” in two contexts: disease process and medicine, and dieting and exercise for “weight control.” Nobody I knew actually ate balanced diets if they weren’t actively trying to become or stay thin- it wasn’t “normal” or “natural.” Exercise? Same story except for actual athletes, but even those that I knew talked about weight control all the time.
Fast forward to 2022. I came into the new year feeling like I needed to make a change because of how I felt, but my husband and I were in counseling and I knew a major sticky point for us was my lack of going to med school. I think my desire to “make a change” was in large part about control because I didn’t feel like I had control over med school. I was CONVINCED in my mind that me being fat now made me a lesser candidate. I might get an interview, but I’d be judged on how fat I was and would instantly have a bias over me. I was tempted- truly- to drop to 800-900 calories a day with 2-3 hours of exercise and try to shed weight quickly. But I kept up searching for body positive and HAES content. I reminded myself of all I spoke on in my sports nutrition class- health has far less to do with our weight and size than our habits. At this point, I felt really good about body positivity. I made my focus on activities I love doing, getting good MICROnutrients (no deficiencies here), etc. This is when I “came back” to tumblr in early 2022.
I then started to feel the same way I did before- it was, once again, becoming a bit of an obsession, and my body was fatiguing. My heart quite literally felt off, and I was dizzy all the time. I thought maybe with everything, I was taking in too much potassium and a higher activity level. I gave my body time to rest and… I just stopped doing the things. Work got busy. I signed up to retake the MCATs. I got COVID.
Honestly at the end of Covid I was back to around 175lbs. I was feeling okay about that- it’s still “fat” but I was happy to be feeling healthier and I could FINALLY start studying. After my first COVID day where I had an episode of intense muscle pain where I could not move, I was totally fine with my weight. While I was starting to study, though, I noticed my blood pressure was low and I was still feeling kinda meh. I was hardly hungry, and my bathroom habits changed. I wasn’t too upset with this, since it meant I could study for longer at a time without getting distracted by bathroom trips, and I figured my high stress levels were playing a role by essentially halting that “rest and digest” I should’ve been in for way too long.
After I finished the test, my stress seemed to reduce, but my heath stuff didn’t. I had a week off work and decided I wanted to start hiking again, see waterfalls, etc. And so I did. While I loved it, I kept feeling really dizzy all the time. I focused on getting more salt in my diet and making sure I was eating some carbs before and after the trial. My appetite improved, but my GI tract still felt sluggish. Often, I would feel actually hungry, but I’d also feel like my stomach was way too full. My reflux was really bad at this time, and that also made my nasal issues worse. My sleep suffered a ton, and I would spent 11 hours in bed because it would take me 3 just to fall asleep. I also noticed my lower stomach had fresh new red stretch marks.
At this point now, now only can I barely breathe out my nose most of the time, but my nose is bleeding often (just slight, small bleeds- no dripping really). I’ve tried PPIs and H2 agonists to help with the reflux. Honestly, as gross as this sounds, the only thing that helps is actually going to the bathroom? But usually when I go, it doesn’t all feel “out.” I’ve taken two laxative doses in the past couple of months to get some longer lasting relief. I visited my sister for a week (got back a week ago), and while down there, I realized my shorts that I bought to fit me last summer felt tight in the tummy. I thought it must be constipation or something similar, or heat edema, but it still was not fun to feel that “fat.” Also, I realized my 34G bras were getting tight, even on the band size, so that was extra weird. Even my sports bras weren’t fitting right. Usually a band in a L is too loose but I put up with it to fit my breasts, but between July to now, the bands starting getting tighter. Which means gain.
I weighed myself this morning at 195.8 lbs. literally the heaviest I have ever been. Up 20 lbs in the 2 months post-COVID, and that’s with me hiking more AND I started physical therapy for my back. Husband was confused and said something seemed wrong- because that’s a lot of weight to gain and he hasn’t seen me eat THAT much. He encouraged me to talk to my doctor, but I’m still convinced all they will say is that CLEARLY I’m lying about my intake and tell me to track calories and try to lose weight.
I’m also going to a water park this weekend, so I tried on my bathing suits, and none fit in a way I’d be comfortable with. A couple bottoms fit, but I realized all my tops didn’t- none of them have cups big enough to cover up my nipples in a secure enough manner, so I’d be constantly worried about “wardrobe malfunctions.”
I’m having kind of a hard time with all of this, but I’m trying right now to make sure I have clothes that fit my current body first. My mantra rn is “I deserve clothes that fit my body right now.” So I bought a size up in the shorts I bought last summer- I hope that will work. I also ordered 6 new tops in bra sizes, instead of the normal S/M/L/XL sizes, because I need them to actually fit. I got 3 tops in 2 different sizes after measuring- 36 bands and, because I’m kind of worried about how that will fit since there aren’t the 3 rows of hooks and too tight is far more noticeable than too loose, 38 bands too, just in case. I’m just praying that one size will fit me, and then I’ll return the ones in the other size since they were expensive.
Other than the new clothes for the water park, I feel a bit at a loss. On one hand I physically feel somewhat unwell quite often, and I’ve ran through the lists of potential culprits from anything from something as benign as stress to something as serious as a Cushing’s syndrome (such as from an ACTH-releasing tumor). Part of me is also terrified I may have diabetes now, even though I’ve never had any signs of pre-diabetes before now, but I’m thinking possible PCOS which can lead to insulin resistance. The obvious answer is “talk to my PCP,” and in general my PCP now is great, but I have an appointment in October and really don’t want to have any “preventable” disease and I feel like I need to be “doing all the right things” prior to seeing her anyway. And I’m scared, too, that when she suggests things like dieting, I will just burst into tears because the idea of what that means is… I guess invalidating to me.
Here’s the reality: finding yourself obese after eating disorder recovery is tricky enough as is. If I bring up the fact that I have struggled with my relationship with food and exercise, people automatically assume that I binge eat and just DON’T exercise/have never had the “discipline” to make myself exercise even if I don’t like it. They treat me like a liar when I clarify. When I bring up the couple periods of rapid weight gain with people who know and understand my history, I’m still told that I probably just didn’t realize how much I ate because I wasn’t actively tracking my calories and weighing my food. I’m constantly told maybe I just don’t have the willpower or discipline other people have, and I need to cultivate that, but that’s not a problem- the problem is I will take that “willpower” or “discipline” to a level that leaves me and the people around me absolutely miserable.
When I was thinner- “healthy weight” with a BMI around 21- nobody said those things to me. My mom not included (as she will find some way to criticize my appearance), I was never told my heath problems were BECAUSE of my body, or that if I gained 5 lbs over a couple weeks it was because of my eating habits (“oh I’m sure it’s just water weight from extra salt”) and that I was CLEARLY lying about my intake. And I was never told I needed to go on a very low calorie diet and exercise more if I complained about constipation.
Idk I feel like I have to do so much more for people to even consider that something might be wrong with my health other than being fat, and often what I have to do is really psychologically damaging, and nobody wants to admit that.
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re-roo-ting · 2 years
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I want to say this here because I don’t see people talk about the positive things that can happen and how things can change. Also everyone is different and this is just my story.  Not the whole thing just the parts that might help someone.
I’m diagnosed with major depression disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD.
TW: Talks of depression, panic attacks, and adhd struggles
To know the good you have to know just how bad things were first. Before any medication or any professional help, and before I was out of the house I grew up in, I suffered from bad depression. My parents didn’t care much about school and so there were months where I would miss at least one day a week for every week, sometimes more. And I would spend those days laying in bed, often just crying, and being upset without a reason I could find. Aside from my depression I deal with a lot of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and found myself constantly feeling unwanted and out of place. I would go through spells of intense motivation and hyper focus followed by days not doing anything and feeling so bored that my brain hurts and feels like its rotting. My thoughts would race so fast and feel so loud, They weren’t always nice either and there were repetitive and would latch on to ideas heard by other people. I would loose my school work, and organization was never easy. My room looked like a dump. Then I would get upset with myself for letting that happen, and give into this idea that I was lazy. Panic attacks were another issue I would deal with. I’m a paranoid person, and this paired with my race thoughts led to me being regularly overwhelmed. I was having up to four panic attacks a week when I was at my worst. And they left me feeling drained causing more issues with motivation, and more self loathing. 
Right now things are not perfect. I’m readjusting to meds, and I still have bad days. I go through the same things sometimes, and get overwhelmed a lot. But I’ve learned how to cope. I’m trying to be healthy, and improve my self image. I write in my journal a lot and use art and writing, and other forms of creativity to help with my feelings. I talk to people about how I’m feeling and Have improve a lot with communicate and boundaries though I'm still not where I need to be. Most days aren’t happy days, but some are, and most days aren’t sad days either. I still get overwhelmed and I haven’t figured out to avoid burn out from school yet each semester but I can learn to cope. I’m productive, I have a lot of hobbies that I like and don’t feel obligated to perform. I can be relaxed, and I go days sometimes without feeling super sad or guilty. I enjoy school more, and can meet with friends sometimes daily during school. Being outside doesn’t feel like a chore as much, and I enjoy just sitting outside sometimes. I can be proud of my work and honestly often am. I’m surprised by how well I write sometimes, and am shocked that I can draw at all (Adderall helps me to be able to focus on what I’m doing I think), I also have found there are times where I like how I look. Which is crazy, especially because I feel with dysphoria, and have struggled with an ED for years now (also I have a bad hair cut rn and still enjoy my looks sometimes.) I don’t have panic attacks really anymore and if I do they I have tools to help me through them sometimes. I don’t always remember to use them, and can feel guilty asking for help but it’s things I’m working on.
Things do get better, it takes work and patience and nothing is linear and you can’t expect perfection. I’m walking living proof that things can and will get better, even if only slightly. You don’t need to feel hopeless, I was in the same place, and things do get better.
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aetheros · 1 month
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The good thing about spending 12 hours in the ER yesterday is that I can attest to so many queer folks working there 💕 But my IVs failed horribly and I couldn’t get the test I needed.
Too Long But DID Read:
Also had a very nice, reassuring, gentle nurse who went above snd beyond for me during anxiety, almost passing out, and severe pain from IVs Gone Wrong. Didn’t get to have my CT scan though (whole reason I went in) bc they literally couldn’t administer the contrast bc the line flushing to test it prior to contrast was leaking out of the vein and causing excruciating pain after two IV insertions. Both failed. I was shaking all over. I was not going to try it in my neck next… and they said contrast was mandatory to test for dissection… So let’s just hope I’m fine, or that if it IS an arterial dissection, that it heals itself quickly with no complications and no strokes. They could’ve done an ultrasound too even though it’s much less reliable than a CTA but I was so sleep deprived, semi-delirious and anxious running on 4hrs sleep all day with no food, stuck sitting there til 2am in pain all over that 3 doses of pain meds weren’t resolving that I didn’t even think of it until after I left.
IV infiltration is an awful and weirdly scary experience (that can also be extremely dangerous if medication or dye WAS injected) that I never want to do again. I have a high pain tolerance and that was BAD and genuinely scared me. I’ll add it to my list of 5 Worst Pains Ever. I don’t even think I can get IV iron infusions now if a simple line flushing for contrast dye failed in a hospital. :/ So away I go destroying my stomach some more with iron supplements! At least I’m still here today.
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edsheerankinnie · 2 months
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VENT INCOMING! (religious)
feel free to skip, im just having a moment😁
Ok so im of abrahamic faith, and my dad just gave us one of his end of the world lectures/sermons/lessons/whatever, and like i am shaking and trying not to cry, and i dont wanna be alive anymore, suddenly it feels like im back in summer 2017-2018 where wed get these fucking talks every day almost, and the worst part is i cant seem to dissociate from it anymore (must be the meds lol, and they wonder i have mental health issues). and it sucks bc I’ll be searching for online spaces where ppl are experiencing smth similar so it’s not like I’m alone in this right? but for some reason it’s all either “Ohh religion helps me w my anxiety, here’s some prayers” or just ex christians being like “yeah that’s a thing”. Like no, I don’t want ur fucking prayers, I already tried those and they won’t work, and I’m not trying to be an atheist either. And god forbid I look in Other religious spaces bc ppl in my community are fucking insane for some reason. So now I’m just stuck here n can’t even complain abt ur bc my parents/community either tell me to pray the anxiety away or r like “but why are u scared? It’s not scary, all we’re saying is that the world is gonna end tonight” like what the FUCK do h men that’s not a big deal??? Mf I’m young, I’m supposed to have a ducking life ahead of me ??? And u think it’s no big deal bc ur probably gonna be dead by then??? Why the fuck would u bring me into the world then if that’s how u see it??? Like what, do u want me to k!ll myself?? I already haven’t been doing too well lately even with my meds, I’m not in the right fucking state of mind to be listening to this end of the world shit. And we had to listen to him yap for an HOUR, now I can’t even relax or even forget about this whole thing, it’s left such a bad aftertaste on my psyche, I don’t know anymore, I feel like I wanna die now, I’m too upset and scared and hopeless to live anymore.
anyways rant over I think, thanks if u read this far lol, k promise I’m ok!
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boosifer · 5 months
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Oh boy howdy doody… I’ve been confounded. Quite a conundrum indeed.
So like. Important disclaimer: bitches be overthinking quite literally every interaction with someone while pretending that nothing is wrong and forgetting that they’re supposed to be taking meds for this kinda thing. It’s me, I’m bitches. All the espresso depresso thoughts were creeping in and I was wallowing instead of using the tools Brittany gave me to disperse the anxiety. My bad. Gonna try to not be overthinking as much?? Hopefully????
Back to the important crisis update: flirting was indeed happening!! Written confirmation was received on the matter and a conversation was had. This, of course, only occurred because I ignored my sister’s advice and sent the most awkward text asking if I was reading the situation wrong, naively thinking this coffee addict was asleep. ONLY TO FIND OUT. Mans was pulling an all-nighter. What a heart attack that was! But the important thing is that flirting is happening!!
It’s really fucking cute actually. We’ve been sending these pickup lines back and forth, and his are so wholesome?? Genuinely made me blush, not that I’ll ever admit it— he even made one with an asparagus pun, like ughhhhhhhh. And one of them was Bob Ross themed and it said I’m a work of art??? Like, my heart can’t handle this babe. He’s such a dork and I want to kiss him even more now, but I digress. Despite how cringey the pseudo confession text probably was, he was so sweet about it. Told me that it was up to me what this meant and how he didn’t want to put me on the spot or anything.
Like baby, please put me on the spot. Let’s talk about this, get it allll out in the open. I need dates, reasons, proof of crush, the whole works. He just seems so wonderful and I’m over here like this loser grandma who finally figured out how to socialize at the local bingo club. I’m just trying not to be too much right now. I don’t want to seem clingy or anything to freak him out, I really enjoy talking to him.
We’ve got a coffee-brunch thing planned for Monday (I totally didn’t ask off of work so I could…), so maybe we’ll talk more about it then? Kinda difficult to talk much about it in the office, so it’ll be nice to hang out one on one. Maybe it could even be labeled as a date! I’m hopeful anyways.
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