#and I'm too AFRAID to try to pursue anything that would give true positive emotions because like...

[mbti-notes]

1/5.Hello! I'm INFJ. How do I keep balance between taking care of my emotional needs and also honouring others' needs? What to do when our needs are in conflict? There was a situation with my mother, where she often uses phrases like "go to hell" and others which lead me to feel inferior, rejected, hurt.

[con’t: I told her about it and asked if she could stop using such words and to explain to me exactly what’s upsetting her when the similar situation happens. She tried to deny her intention to hurt me and said that I have no right to accuse her, and what about her feelings. As calm as I could I told her that we are talking about her feelings and my feelings and it would be beneficial if she could state what exactly is making her uncomfortable instead of using coarse language. She said I’m oversensitive and read too much into her words, that I will never be able to function in society with such attitude. She also explained to me what caused her to blow up. So there was a progress in something at least.But I still felt disappointed and started to cry, and she asked me to put my anger at her behind. I explained to her I was just sad and disappointed. She comforted me. I said that I decided to try to see past her language the next time and to not misjudge her intention.But I still feel so much confused about this situation. What am I missing? I feel a bit undervalued and denied in respect. Or maybe I didn’t do enough? Maybe I want too much? Please help me by giving your view on this situation. Thank you.]

Be honest. Do you believe in freedom? Do you believe that people should be allowed to speak freely? Or do you believe that everyone must speak in exactly the way you want them to so that you never have to feel bothered by anything? If you had the magical power to control everyone’s speech, would you? If so, I wonder how you would like it if someone very different from you were to impose strict restrictions and controls over how you speak and behave.

Are you trying to communicate to your mom a “need” or a “desire” of yours? It seems that you don’t understand the difference. Fulfilling a need tends to lead you in a positive direction as you focus on growth and well-being, whereas fulfilling a desire often leads to unintended consequences because it is born of ego and fear. To be a wise person, one must reflect deeply on the implications of pursuing one’s needs and desires before setting forth. You haven’t done so. 

When you try to change another person, are you satisfying a “need” that leads to your well-being? No, because you are reacting out of fear, in this case, you are afraid of negative feelings and emotions, so you do not allow them to manifest in yourself or others, with the consequence being that you must constantly be “suppressing” or “controlling” something. How can this behavior lead you in a growth-positive direction when, 1) with your “rules of acceptable behavior”, you lock yourself very tightly into a tiny comfort zone that is then easily disturbed by anyone, and, 2) through coercing someone into being like you, thinking like you, or behaving like you, you continually disrespect their autonomy and thus damage the relationships that you require for healthy Fe? Freedom is necessary for growth and fear is an enemy of freedom.

You are struggling with Fe development. No one can fault you for wanting a good relationship with your mom. However, good and healthy relationships require hard work because one must constantly be exercising empathy. Note that I use the word “exercise” to describe empathy as a verb, i.e., something that requires effort and action. To exercise empathy means that you always try your best to understand the true intention, motivation, or reason behind someone’s behavior, which you can’t do when you’re gripped by fear and all your attention is on yourself. When you understand the truth of the other person, you can then make good decisions about how to approach them. 

There are two issues here: 

Being presumptuous (making assumptions about people without gathering enough evidence): Is it a fact that your mother’s aim/intention is to undervalue, disrespect, or insult you? Is this what she specifically sets out to do when speaking? If it is, then you have every right to speak up for yourself and prevent harm to yourself. But if it isn’t and you are operating on a faulty assumption because you take everything too personally (once it triggers your unconscious fear of negativity), then your actions are going to be driven by unreasonable anger, spite, or resentment that is likely to damage the relationship. Do you know the facts, or do you run only on “feelings of truth” (unhealthy Ni)?

Lack of proper relationship boundaries (that then spills into unhealthy communication patterns): Two different people - with different personality preferences, different beliefs and values, different prior learning and experiences, different levels of stress tolerance, different coping and defense mechanisms - are bound to encounter disagreements at some point and this is an unavoidable fact of relationships that you would do well to accept. When Fe is immature, a person uses it very crudely like an infant swinging its arms wildly, often by trying to quash negativity and/or coercing/manipulating “harmony” between people. This means that you don’t draw respectful boundaries and frequently overstep boundaries. By contrast, mature Fe-Ti understands and accepts the reality of human feelings and the unpredictable nature of emotional life, thereby able to come up with effective strategies to work with and around them, rather than dreaming of a perfect utopia in which negative feelings can be completely eradicated and disagreements don’t exist (unhealthy Ni).

I agree that your dialogue with your mom was productive and some progress was made. Remember: the joy of creating something new often cannot happen without the pain of destroying something old. You are learning to speak up for yourself and make her aware of how her behavior impacts you. This is important because you are an equal member of the relationship and should be treated as such, and a parent-child relationship cannot be “equalized” without disturbing old patterns of interaction. It’s obvious that she is being defensive in calling you oversensitive but, from her perspective, it is a reaction to your defensive attempts to censor and control her. Remember that children often treat their parents as though they should be perfect beings rather than human beings, and that only serves to perpetuate the generational conflict. There is more work to be done on both sides, so you should accept the fact that progress is incremental and keep at it. However, until you address the above two issues in yourself, you won’t be able to build a bridge that reaches over the entire gap. 

#infj #infj relationships #auxiliary fe #relationships #communication #needs #desires #emotional intelligence #freedom #fear #boundaries #ask

[afrocentric-divination]

Hi! I've paid. I've been wanting to get a reading from you for a minute. I don't have a boo or anything because in the past I've pretty much just ended up isolating myself from relationships to work and make money. I'm currently transition to a job that better on all fronts, but I may have missed out on some things. So I guess my question is romantically what is going on with me? I'm typically good at getting what I want, but this evades me.

Hey love, thank you for ordering! I’m so glad you decided to let me read for you 🖤

So first off, this reading as a couple of positions and a couple of "free" cards or cards that I interpret intuitively about what their meaning is. Throughout the reading, I will let you know what cards are for what and their position.

The Relationship Now - 2 of Wands

This card is a wonderful card to start with, as you have already mentioned that you are not in a relationship right now, but with this card, it says that there is work being done on both sides. You and this other person are actively thinking about love, even if it leads to dead ends and while it seems tiring to keep going and pursue something that seems like it doesn't align with your life, you both still take a chance every day to keep your heart a little bit open for the other to finally walk in your life. This card is also an encouraging one, telling to keep your head up. That eventually, you will gain the love you seek and that you still have a few steps to take to get what you desire. Some work with yourself needs to happen (and with this other person as well) before a foundation can start, but know that your love is coming. Don't give up hope just yet.

You - 9 of Pentacles, 8 of Swords, Wheel of Fortune

These cards are the “Free” cards as well as the next set of cards below. These cards talk about you and this other potential person and what is going on in you all’s life. 

There is confidence and there is a material life that is comfortable. You are able to get what you need and sometimes what you want. You are happy where you are in regards to your work life and you might even have a stable group of friends and loved ones that support you at all times. In the physical world, it seems like you go it all together, with how you present yourself and how you connect with others. But its the complete opposite in your mind. Your thoughts are always jumbled, they're always going, and it's hard to make sense of how you feel. You may feel from time to time but your mind always over thinks things and it becomes confusing for you to understand who you are and where you stand, regardless of how the outside looks. This unsureness is something that may have gotten in the way of past relationships, something that blocked you from the other persona in what ultimately made the other person frustrated with you. When asked the simple but loaded question, "How do you feel," you could never really answer, or you always used the go-to answer, "I'm good," or, "I'm fine." Over time, you never telling your feelings as you should in a relationship led to you not telling your jumbled thoughts to you not saying anything. The silence then became overshadowing, taking over the relationship and what pushed past lovers away in the end.

That second half was all from the 8 of Swords, but the good things about that card are that it is possible to get out of the problem you have created in your head and ultimately, creating in your real world. And it's really simple. You have to just talk. Tell people how you feel even when you're not certain. Let them into your world and take them on a ride of how your mind works. Opening yourself up is making yourself vulnerable, and while having a perfect a relationship sounds great, it is not realistic. What is realistic is sometimes crying on the shoulder of a loved one because you're confused, or walking back and forth ranting because a relative goes on your nerves, or weighing your options out loud so they know where you stand. You don't have to be as sure and stable in your mind as your public life seems to be. But just like your active in your public life, and active in your mentality, be active in connecting with other mentalities, as connections lead to relationships.

Try practicing with your friends or relatives, as I have a feeling you've also been putting up a facade with them too. Yes, it's going to be nerve racking but if you can't be true to yourself and to the people who love you platonically, how are you to be true to a person you're connected to romantically?

The Wheel of Fortune then let you know that a change is coming. A continuation of the "Relationship Now" card. Just because things are going the way you want them to, doesn't mean that things are going anywhere. You just have to keep riding the wave, keep building yourself and your life. Eventually, you will get to what you seek as the universe hears you. They know what you want Just let them set it up so that it can happen. Eventing doesn't just happen overnight.

Them -  3 of Swords, 8 of Swords, 3 of Cups

These cards are a description of who you possible next lover will be, the one you wish to have a long last relationship with. There is a possibility that you may know this person already, or you might have never seen them a day in your life. Either way, you have to keep your heart open and your eyes even more open.

First, it is obvious that they are coming out of a relationship of their own. A relationship where there were a couple of daggers thrown, and it ended hurting one person more than the other. Words were said, and maybe someone did something that they regretted, but in the end, they had to move on. To them they things kept piling up and getting worse, and they knew it would be better to leave and be sane than to go almost insane trying to mend a relationship that won't last. With this kind of intro, you have to know that the potential love of your life has some trauma with them, some sadness that they held onto, some anger that they probably haven't let go of, and confusion of their own. They will have a wall up, and will slightly resemble you. When you meet them and listen to what they have to say or how they carry on the conversation, it will almost be like looking in the mirror. Just like a person has to be careful with you and listen more than talk back with you because you rarely open up your mind, you will have to b careful with them. Their heart has been damaged and they will not be so inclined to be with you or with anyone romantically.

This is my turn to warn you. Don't be persistent. You are initiating this connection, yes, and you're trying to everything you can to always have a healthy one, but have a healthy relationship with someone means having a healthy relationship with yourself and with boundaries. Don't push them to open with you when they don't want to right away. Show that you're around and that you're always open to hang out, but leave when they show that they don't want to be bothered. A relationship should not be stressed, especially in the beginning. Don't force what isn't there. But, when they do decide to come around, be open to them. Be aware of your limitation as well as their's.

The last card, the 3 of Cups kind of gives a glimpse of where you both might meet at. A party meeting? A gathering? A club? A lounge? A place with all of your friends? Wherever it is, there will be a crowd, you will be enjoying yourself, and you may be even celebrating, hence the party or party like atmosphere.

How Could This Relationship Be? - 8 Of Wands

This relationship can really take off the way you've always wished. It could be exciting, it could be fun, it could be eye-opening. I see travel as being one of the big things between the 2 of you. You guys might end up experiencing the world together, trying new things all the time and being adventurous, even if that means doing so in the comfort of your own town or own state. Every day will never be dull and from the night out to a lazy Sunday evening. You will both encourage the others to always do their best and will never let the other person talk down on themselves. You both know what it means to be confused and unsure in your own respects, and will wish to carry out this relationship as clearly as possible. Nothing will be held back, and if something isn't said at the moment, it will be said later on. A beautiful way to carry out a relationship.

How Can You Get To How Things Could Be? - Emperor

Control. You need control of your thoughts, control of your emotions, and control in your actions. And let me set things clear, I'm not asking you to be perfect in everything you do, but I am asking you to be sure, to be stable, to be methodical. Do not hold yourself back because things are scary. Ride with those feeling of uncertainty and stand tall in your uncertainty. You seem so confident to everyone you come across, learn to hold that same energy within yourself when your alone and when you're in a romantic situation. Vulnerable is incredibly sexy and when given to the right person and give life a beautiful relationship. Don't hold yourself back from what could have been because of your afraid of who you are. Be firm in your power. Even when you're not sure exactly what that power is.

I wish you the best of luck love!

Once again, thank you for ordering, and I hope my words resonated with you. If you have question or concerns please don’t hesitate to PM me.

And for anyone else wanting a reading like this one, know that I have Special February Love Readings going on until the end of the month! Information on those readings are here. Have any questions or concerns? PM me and I will get to you as soon as possible. Or click on the PRICES link below. Until then!

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#tarot #divination #witchcraft #afro witch #black witch #afroreadings #foul-weatherfriend