#and I'll always a little bit want to re-establish contact with this person who mattered a lot that I didn't voluntarily leave.

[cesium-sheep]

it is still weird to me that she unblocked me and he didn’t. like, she had no ties to me before that, so it’s not gonna be to sentimentally “leave the door open” like I do for literally all but 2 people (fuckface and miya). could be to keep tabs on me, like my friends used to keep an eye on fuckface’s fb after the worst of it to help reassure my paranoia that he wasn’t in town, although I barely use fb and don’t generally link to these accounts from there. (on the other hand I know for a fact this account is pretty easy for him to find, cuz like I said. done it before, even after I changed my url to make fuckface stop reading it. so why bother making sure my fb is accessible in that case?)

idfk man, just one of life’s many mysteries I guess. it’s a weird brain day.

#really gotta get around to finding people who can tolerate That Side of me. #that's the main reason I'm thinking about it now all of a sudden - I actually have the energy to be a bastard. #but I ain't got anyone to be a bastard with. #I feel far too soft about my wife to roughhouse or toy with her like that #even though it's a fun game and a (very specific) form of relationship I like having in my life #although she's been kinda talkative lately which is nice #she was hyperfocused away from me for a while #(she's still hyperfocused she's just more likely to take breaks for conversation now lol) #on the one hand perhaps one worries about running out of things to talk about after a certain number of years #on the other hand I've known Da Gorls effectively my whole life and they were surprised to find out I don't like tomatoes recently lol #I should've saved the link to her alt that fb randomly recommended me. #I'm done picking for now promise. #I will say one thing I noticed (since if anyone is reading this tag they are also prone to snooping :v ) #it seems that his reacting to her posts gets marked as 'and 1 more' in the interface since he still has me blocked #if that's the case he did react to the pfp of them together back in november #but he didn't react to the bad news about her dog or her more recent pfp #altho his pfp is still that same pic of the both of them so idk #idk idk I'm just. I'll always be curious about what the fuck happened. #and I'll always a little bit want to re-establish contact with this person who mattered a lot that I didn't voluntarily leave. #and I know very little of what happened but my best guess is there was an ultimatum so I'm off-limits as long as they stay together. #(as if I wasn't the one being honest with everyone and carefully pumping the brakes on the flirting the moment I knew there was a line.) #(it was a real fucked up situation and I literally can't see any wrong move that I made in terms of Moral Backbone.) #(could I have made different choices to get what I wanted? probably. would they have been the right choices? no.) #(I was upfront with both of them and I'm the one who got tossed out to sea for it.) #(ugh. whatever. it's just frustrating.) #(it will be less frustrating once I've finally filled in the holes in my support structure.) #(I just have been Physically Incapable of that.)