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#and I’m really mad at myself for letting myself forget
insanechayne · 3 months
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lilgynt · 1 year
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also jumping off that last post i forget i’m not like. i’m not saying i’m popular but i’m not a loner? like i post something on my story on insta come back have like 17 messages like oh fuck me
#personal#especially bc i have insta muted bc surprise i was getting to many notifications and it annoyed me#okay yes suffering from succes let me throw that first stone etc etc#and i only ever mention insta bc it’s this and that that’s all i got baby#it’s just.#it’s not like i forget or think i’m actively bad but like#okay i do forget i guess about the successful parts of my identity? at least in the social respect#like i have a pretty wide circle of friends and acquaintances and don’t have any issues with anyone#except berry at work i genuinely hate you#i have. a decent number of people interested in me romantically and sexually and like. issues aside know i could get a partner in either#capacity like. okay tonight but that’s bc people’s standards are nothing and you have the slightest confidence and comfortablity with#urself and people like that and pick up on it#i’m doing like. really good at my new job my bosses really like me and random hire ups are talking about to my bosses like what the fuck?#like i remember in training one of the higher ups had to ask on two separate occasions that i never worked in this type of business before#one of things that like even i can notice is i have really fucking good customer service and deescalation skills i rarely get any calls#with people like mad at me unless they were gonna be mad anyway or don’t like my repair answers#this chick in another department chewed me out the other day and i was so good with it the call got pulled and put into a chat with like#all the supervisors and all my coworkers were like we’re gonna get this bitch fired we hate her bc she’s also yelled at them but directly#after me getting yelled it officially got made into a bigger thing :|#and like. unless i’m stopping myself with shyness i can get by really well in most new environments#i really don’t know where this post is going like i had a point with the dick sucking#and even with most of these traits or anything like. honestly think it’s more being comfortable and confident with myself#i don’t know! i kinda forget i’m not like. the actual worst and just a huge fat crybaby who’s super lazy#like not that i’m actively thinking like that anymore but i’m just not thinking about myself much unless it’s jeez wish i was better at#handling xyz which is usually related to my family#well new job too sometimes but mainly family#anyway idk where this is supposed to go i’m successful? i guess? and don’t know how to interpret that further#i also think just being earnest and an ounce of emotional intelligence will get you literally everything in the world#got free food and a partial refund at a place bc i was polite and sad! got to see my dad way earlier than intended by sweet talking the#head nurse!!! idk!!!! also very open with my personality likes and interests and everyone likes that a lot! idk!!!!!!
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westernsunshine · 1 year
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Realising I maybe don’t actually like my supposed ‘best’ friend
#like i’m not saying i hate her or anything it’s just. i see a notification coming in from her whether it’s a text or a call#and i just get annoyed. half of the things she does piss me off#her complete lack of time management is infuriating to me; the fact that she’s a doormat for every single goddamn person in her life#the way she wants to be liked SO BADLY by complete random people and honest-to-god assholes… like i have that problem sometimes as well#but i’m significantly better at saying ‘no’ and also when it’s absolutely necessary ‘fuck off with your jesus pamphlets’#and also i don’t think i’ve ever really forgotten the way she cosied up to my bullies back in high school. there was this girl#who was threatening me and stealing from me and outright pushing me around & g was best friends with this girl’s sister who abetted her#and the whole group spread vile rumours about me and used to gossip about me loudly (to the point where i could hear them)#and g would gossip about me as well. and she’s apologised since then but she’s still friends or at least associated#with most of those people and i don’t think i’ve ever really forgiven her for selling me down the river for an ounce of social capital#which like. these girls were losers as well. they were just a group of losers rather than one lone loser like me#like congrats you got into the sad girls clique and bullied the nerd girl. for why though#and i still don’t get why they wouldn’t let me in or why they hated me so much. i would’ve fit right in. and yeah this was ten years ago#but i’m still mad. sue me#like she literally could’ve put in a good word for me but instead she contributed to the already hard time i was going through and i know#i Know i should forgive and forget. but i can’t shake the conviction that she would absolutely do something similar#and the fact that my friend group welcomed her with open arms and she’s still friends with some of them to this day. i don’t think she even#realises tbh. like hello… i gave you two lifelong friendships. i’m not saying you had to force your friends to like me in return#but like at least do the bare minimum of calling them off. those girls made me want to kill myself#and she also does this thing where if a guy likes me instead of her she takes it soooo personally and has to date him#and i’m just like. i’m attracted to men literally about once a year. i did not want to fuck andy the farmer#also he just offered to walk me home and i looked him up and down; laughed and said ‘you’re what i need to be protected from mate’#you were consoling him if anything. and will the fuckboy?? don’t make me laugh. he only hit on her because i started blatantly#playing candy crush when he tried to talk to me#tl;dr uhhhh when and how do i end a 16 year deeply codependent friendship. lol#personal#*complicating factors: i am the only person in her daughter’s life who is not an idiot. i love her daughter and want to be a good aunty#also she lives literally 0.2km away from me and the only other friends i have are an ex-colleague and my other best friend who lives in WA#and my old flatmate who i don’t really talk to anymore#i really need to like. artifically resurrect some friendships if i’m going to go through with this
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It’s a running joke in the manor that Tim’s kid was like a cat
And he would never admit that he could kind of see it himself.
The climbing, the ability to go from zero to a hundred in energy, and unfortunate ability to be too cute to actually get mad at him for anything he does.
Finding said son running out and about when there was breakout was pushing through.
“Hi Dad!!”
“Danny! What are you doing out here?!it’s still lockdown chickadee!”
Danny looked down at the ground and scuffed one of his shoe against the pavement.
“I know… but you’ve been gone so long and I’ve been worried!”
Tim sighed and tapped his comm,
“Oracle, please keep lookout for the next couple minutes.”
And crouched down in front of his son,
“You haven’t been home in a while and I missed you..”
Tim sighed as he wiped a tear from Danny’s face.
It was almost unfortunate how much the kid took after him.
“Kiddo I’m sorry, that’s my fault, I know we haven’t been able to hang out for the past week-“
Danny stomped a foot in frustration,
“No you don’t understand! You forget to sleep when you don’t come home ‘n’ great grandpa Alffie said we got to sleep because it’s good for you ‘n’ that when you don’t you are more likely to get hurt! I don’t want you hurt!”
Tim wanted to argue, and say that he was fine. He’s been taking cat naps between searching and the fights. If it was anyone else in his family he would’ve done so.
But this was his son, his little chickadee who loves so much and worries about himself so little.
He needs to set an precedent before bad habits emerge.
Picking Danny up, Tim set him down onto his hip and stuck his chin on his head.
“You’re right, I guess I haven’t been being nice to myself like I’m supposed to. How about we go back home and I’ll lay down with you for a couple hours?”
Danny peered up with glassy eyes,
“Can you stay for breakfast?”
And didn’t that just hurt to hear? Faded memories of asking that same question only to be given this almost pitying look danced in the back his mind.
“Sorry kiddo, but we just don’t have enough time before our flight but don’t worry when we get back we’ll have a family day, just the three of us!”
Clearing his throat Tim met his son’s eyes.
“Sure champ, and when we finally get joker back in Arkham we can ask everyone to have a family day, how does that sound?”
Stars almost seemed to take over Danny’s eyes as he let out a little gasp.
“Really?!”
“I promise.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, many of Danny’s mannerisms were reminiscent of a cat, but this was new.
Tim pinched his eyebrow in exasperation as he looked at his siblings.
He wished he never got up this morning.
“And how exactly did Danny somehow get a crowbar?”
The kid in question just happily swung his legs as he sat on the bench unaware that he himself was going to be getting a far longer conversation as soon as they got back to the manor.
“To be honest.. in hindsight, not my brightest moment.”
“WHY IN GODS NAME A CROWBAR?!”
“He said he needed something to help take care of the trash! I thought he would use it like a knapsack or something!”
Jason Thew his hands in the air, and Dick let out a snort while he nudged the mess of a clown next to him.
“Well he very much did use it for something.”
“Nightwing! I’m just as mad at you for somehow loosing the kid this badly to begin with!! You. Are. Not. Helping.”
“I know but I’m just saying, he gets his dramaticism from you.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the end of the day, Joker ended up paralyzed from the neck down.
Jason and Dick were both no longer allowed to babysit Danny alone.
And one little munchkin was, though very much grounded, hailed a hero by all of Gotham for the actions that were live-streamed by onlookers.
And once he was no longer grounded, he did get his family day.
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benedictscanvas · 3 months
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pretty boy, pretty girl - jamie tartt x reader
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pairing: jamie tartt x fem!reader
word count: 2.1k
a/n: okay yes. it has been six months. which is actually mad to me, but there we are - whoops! i've been off following my dream and wrote this while procrastinating an assignment, so this is by no means a return!! honestly i was just itching to write it, but i don't know how much time i have for more - enjoy nevertheless <3
warnings: just a little bit of suggestion towards the end, reader is referred to as 'pretty girl' as the title implies amongst other pet names, quite a lot of swearing (some things don't change)
---
“Hi love.”
Jamie barely murmurs it as he walks past you, can’t help himself but to drag a palm along your back, one shoulder blade to the other, as he goes. 
He knows he’s bold sometimes, but he swears it’s instinct. He glances back to see whether your expression holds any discomfort, but all he finds is your grin, a tiny wave. He continues on his path towards the canteen, knowing that your corridor conversation with Rebecca is probably important.
Somewhere between here and there, he decides to get your lunch, your usual, and sits alone on a table until you appear.
You do, three and a half minutes later. As soon as he sees you, the irrepressible urge to make you grin again is back with a vengeance. He waves you over to his table with a gesture to the food he’s got for you and- there it is again.
If he was a slightly smarter man, maybe he’d consider why all it took was the sight of him to draw your lips upwards, set your eyes alight.
“Thought I’d save y’ from the queue,” he speaks, still soft, in a tone he feels he only uses with you. You match his unnecessary low volume.
“Thanks, angel,” you say easily, and you must not see his stomach doing flips, “Too good to me, you are.”
“Shut up,” he deflects, wonders if you can see him fluster at your nickname for him, “Are you still coming tonight?”
You groan. He frowns, and you quickly correct.
“Sorry. It’ll be fun.”
“Yeah, you sound proper convinced, an’ all.”
You chuckle, taking a bite out of your sandwich and taking a pause to chew. Jamie eats too, content to let you think before you speak. It was slowly teaching him to do the same.
“I’m just boring, Jamie. My favourite people are all under this roof, but usually they’re sober, you know?”
He often forgets you don’t really drink. Your friendship (however sour that word feels in relation to you) usually confined to these halls, to the pitch, to various football stadiums up and down the country. When they all get a chance to let loose, you’re very quick with the excuses, but he’s believed them blindly until this moment.
“Shit, y’ don’t drink, right? I can’t imagine that’s much fun in a club. I won’t tell anyone if you happen to come down with an illness or somethin’ this afternoon.”
You’re grinning at him again, all bright and sunny. It’s downright infectious, so Jamie nudges your foot with his on purpose and then apologises like it’s an accident.
“You’re alright,” you reassure, “I will join tonight. Even if it just proves to myself I’m not missing out on anything. Maybe Colin’s not as bad a drunk as I’ve been led to believe.”
Jamie winces.
“No, he is pretty bad,” he admits and then finally comes up with something to make you more comfortable, “Hey, what about this? I won’t drink either and we can spend the evening laughin’ at everyone else.”
You poke his hand and he tries not to drop his crisp packet.
“It’s everyone’s ‘relax and recharge’ night, Ted said. We both know you relax much easier with a few drinks in you. And I’d never judge anyone for that, I really hope it doesn’t come across like I’m judging any-“
“It doesn’t, sweetness,” he cuts in, “But actually, I’ll relax better if I’m one hundred percent positive that you’re relaxing too. What better way than judgin’ everyone else, together like?”
You purse your lips thoughtfully, mid-chew. He feels like he’s holding his breath, like he’s underwater and you’re in charge of the oxygen tank.
“Well, see how you feel when we’re there. It sounds lovely but only if you’re still up for it when we’re right next to a bar,” you say, still unconvinced. He wants to convince you fully, but he can’t decide if he should argue with you or kiss you silly before you speak again, “Hey, if not, I’ll buy you a drink?”
“Pretty sure that’s my line, love.”
“I said it, I meant it. Girls can buy drinks for pretty boys, you know.”
He thinks you might have removed his oxygen tank now. There’s some cruelty in that sentence but you don’t know you’re wielding it. He wills himself to flirt back even though it’ll only make him feel sick.
“Okay, pretty girl. One passionfruit J2O, please.”
Another grin. He’s so fucking fucked.
---
He’s been waiting for you for around forty minutes. He doesn’t know if that’s the normal amount of time you take to get ready, even if he wishes he knew, so he just waits, leaning against his car.
After fifty, he decides there’s no harm in just checking you’re alright and haven’t slipped on a sparkly floor that an evening cleaner has done a number on.
You mentioned going to the kit room to get changed, and he meets Will on his way there.
“Hey mate, you seen Y/N?”
Will looks paler than he’s ever been. Guilty. Jamie narrows his eyes and waits.
“Kit room.”
It’s all that Will says. When Jamie doesn’t walk off immediately, still waiting for an explanation for Will’s strange demeanour, Will turns around and legs it all the way down the corridor, turns left at the end and never returns.
Jamie shakes his head and continues in the direction of the kit room. The closer he gets, the more he hears. Muffled banging, shouting. He picks up the pace.
“Y/N? Love?”
“Jamie! Jamie, in here!”
Your voice floats out from the kit room and he hurries over. Still very confused, Jamie turns the door handle and finds the door won’t budge, however hard he shoves his shoulder against it.
“It’s locked, babe. Did you lock it?”
He hears your exasperated sigh and feels a little embarrassed.
“No I didn’t bleeding lock it! Well, I did, when I was getting changed, but then when I unlocked it my side it had been locked from the outside.”
Jamie struggled to put the dots together. Had Will locked you in? Judging by the running, he had… and he’d done it on purpose. A spark of anger shot down Jamie’s spine but he tried to convince himself there must be a reason.
Before he could, there was a hand on his on the door, pulling him away. It was being unlocked by another hand and then he was being shoved inside, hard enough to stumble against one of the benches. A piece of paper was thrown at his face and Jamie groaned as he heard the lock click back in place.
“What the fuck?” he muttered as he stood up fully, more dazed than angry now as he stared at the locked door.
“Jesus, Jamie, are you alright? Who the fuck was that?”
“I dunno,” he says, staring at the door as if it might have answers. Your hand on his face wakes him up, his eyes shifting to yours where you look him over with concern.
“You’re alright, though?”
You ask it like you need the answer, and Jamie needs you to stop trailing a finger along his hairline either way.
“Fine, love,” he assures you, patting the juncture between your shoulder and neck gently until your hands drop to your sides. Then he raises his voice, and he’s not really talking to you anymore, “Whoever’s locked us in here as some kind of joke won’t be fuckin’ alright though!”
No answer. He picks up the small piece of paper from the floor and reads it in his head.
Tell her, you prick.
He’s actually going to hit Roy with his car. Lightly, definitely not enough to damage him, but enough to really, really piss him off.
This was all some ridiculous attempt to make him tell you how he felt about you? Absolutely not. Never. He wouldn’t be coerced into something so delicate, so important.
“What’s it say?”
You’re peering over the top of the paper, but he folds it in two before you can read anything. His chuckle comes out strained.
“It says: Get fucking pranked. Must be Roy, he’s probably scared Will into helpin’ him, the fucker. I’m afraid it’s payback for putting all his socks on the ceiling last week, babe, an’ you’ve been caught in the middle.”
You pause, staring at your shoes. For some reason, you look far more forlorn than the situation calls for, but it’s gone before he can think about it further.
“On the ceiling?”
He nods and you giggle. It’s only as you step away from him in your laughter that he realises how close you had been. He should’ve savoured it.
It’s also only as you step away that Jamie finally gets a glimpse of your outfit and nearly reaches out to the nearby bench for strength. He’s never seen you in a v-neck anything before, let alone a dress, and he thinks it might do him in.
“You look good,” he says lamely, then tries again, “Great. Fan-fuckin’-tastic, I mean.”
“I like that last one,” you smile, ducking your head. He thinks, or rather hopes, you’re a little flustered, “Fan-fuckin’-tastic happens to be what I was going for.”
“Yeah,” he breathes, words gone as soon as he’d found them. And now he was staring. Shit.
“I like your suit,” you say, maybe breathless yourself. It must be his ears. You reach up as if you might fiddle with his lapel but just point towards it before your hand drops again. You practically fall down onto the bench you’re both stood beside and he follows, ever obedient, “Shame no one else will ever see it. How long do you think we’ll be stuck here?”
The suit isn’t for anyone except you. That’s what he’d say if he had any stupid bravery. He’s an awful coward, he thinks.
“Until Roy gets bored or Keeley finds out I reckon,” Jamie guesses, “Y’ wanna play I-spy?”
You sigh, but when he peeks at you out of the corner of his eye, you’re grinning your silly, lovely grin again.
“I spy with my little eye…”
---
It is around 11pm, when Jamie has not long fallen asleep against the jacket he had scrunched behind his head, that he feels your hand on his ankle. He can tell, as he wakes without opening his eyes, that you’re not trying to rouse him. The touch is light, feathery. Maybe an accident.
No, not an accident. It wouldn’t have lasted this long, and your thumb is drawing absentminded circles into his ankle bone. You think he’s asleep and you’ve reached out to hold him anyway.
He opens his eyes but doesn’t move. His legs are stretched out on the bench in front of him and you sit upright next his sock-clad feet, one hand on his bare ankle. You’re staring at a piece of paper so intently he wonders what could possibly be so interesting.
“This doesn’t say get fucking pranked, Jamie,” you murmur, and his hand flies to his jacket pocket. It must have fallen out when he slumped into a slumber. He’s sat up in a blink, watching the hand that had been so soothing, fall back at your side suddenly.
“I’m sorry. Shit. I’m so sorry, Y/N.”
“No, don’t,” you insist, still staring at the piece of paper. Instead of whirling on him for answers, you reach calmly into one of the boot cubbies beside your head and pull out a piece of paper from one of the boots. You chuck it at him without looking.
He unfolds it with careful, if shaky, hands.
Tell him, you silly shit.
It takes him an absurdly long time to understand what the hell this second piece of paper means. Later, when the two of you look back on this moment (and you do so often), you’ll wonder how he could have been so dense and he’ll spin you a line about how too good to be true it all felt. But in the moment, he has no lines and no words, until your hand lands heavy on his knee this time.
“Jamie,” you say softly, through a grin that is so different from your usual that he could pass out. It’s so beautiful and so strikingly lovesick that he thinks he might actually be sick, “What do you have to tell me?”
“What?”
He feels dumber than he’s ever felt. But your hand is still on his knee and now you’re shuffling closer to him on the bench.
“What do you have to tell me?” you repeat, then you poke his chest playfully as you add, “You prick.”
He still looks confused, so you clearly decide the best way to catch him up is to kiss him.
You pull away after a moment, a moment of pure heaven, because clearly you don't want to kiss him fully until he's all clued in.
"Come on, pretty boy," you say, teasing, "Figure it out. I was going to buy you a passionfruit J2O. It's the sign of all signs."
He should be laughing at your joke, but all he really wants to do is kiss you again. And again.
Maybe again.
"Oh pretty girl," he says, and he feels the rumble of his low tone in his chest. He places a hand on your face, fingers itching at your hairline, "I'll tell you anything ya wanna hear, I swear. Anythin'."
He hears your breath hitch, but he feels it too, where the meat of his palm is covering your neck.
"Anything?" you answer back, "I could have a lot of fun with this."
You scrunch up your brow like you're thinking and he's so stupidly in love with you that he just tells you. Too-soon be damned.
"Smooth talker," you laugh, giddy, and you kiss him again. And it's so good that he doesn't even remember you didn't say it back until hours later.
(at which point, you say it back so many times and in so many ways, Jamie is certain that he's the luckiest man in the world. he might not hit Roy with his car after all)
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Breakup Help (Chris)
Request: None (Reupload of the second fic I ever wrote and it’s lowkey shit)
Warnings: Friends to lovers, slight angst, insecure Chris, minimal degradation, eating out, basic sex
Y/n’s pov
About two weeks ago Chris’ girlfriend of two years cheated on him with his good friend and unfortunately, Chris walked in on them fucking. It had completely broke his heart, he’s been depressed and hasn’t left his room in days, he just cries and gets mad at his brothers for trying to make him eat a real meal. Matt had called me asking if I would go over and try to talk to Chris and cheer him up since I’m his best friend.
I agreed to go over since Matt and Nick were going to be staying at Madis for the night, needing to have a meeting with Laura anyways. I got my stuff together and went to the store to get Chris a Pepsi, goldfish and a monkey stuffed animal before heading to their house. I used my key to open the door, immediately going down to Chris’ room only to hear him crying really hard.
I knocked on the door softly “Hey buddy, can you unlock the door so I can come in please?” I spoke in a soft voice trying to be comforting. “No go away” his voice cracked as he responded, “Please Chris? I wanna give you a hug and I have something for you” I pleaded. After a loud sigh, Chris unlocked the door and I let myself in, he looked like hell, his hair was a mess, he hadn’t shaved in a few days, and had red eyes with massive bags underneath, I felt bad for him. I set the stuff I brought him on his desk and threw my bag and shoes on the floor before making my way over to the sad boy on his bed. I sat down, pulling him into a tight hug, rubbing his back as he clung onto me and cried.
“Why would they do this to me? Am I really that disposable that they can just move on and forget about me?” he cried out as he pulled away to look at me “No you’re not, you’re a great person and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend or boyfriend, I’m sorry they did that” I said as I moved his hair out of his face. “S-she said I di-didn’t make her feel good and-d I have a small dick! B-but she always acted like it felt g-good! And s-said I was a ba-bad kisser. They both called me super ugly too” He spoke softly, stuttering over his words as he looked down with tears still streaming down his face.
“Awe Chrisy I’m sorry” I laid next to him on the bed as I spoke. “Now I feel really insecure…” he looked up at me with a sad expression, “Y/n do you think I’m ugly?” He questioned, making me give him a small smile. “Absolutely not, you’re very attractive. You have the most beautiful eyes, a stunning smile, perfect hair, the cutest little freckles, a very charming personality, the prettiest lips, really nice hands, should I continue?” A light blush spread across his face as I complimented him. “You think I have pretty lips and nice hands?” He questioned with a small smirk “Is that all you got from what I just said?” I asked rolling my eyes.
He replied with “No I also got that you think I’m cuuute” cracking a small smile. “Shut up or I’m leaving, you’re never getting complimented again I’ll just say you’re ugly” I rolled my eyes going to get up but he moved to lay on top of me so I couldn’t move and tightly hugged me “NO! I haven’t stopped crying since I caught them, you can’t leave you made me smile!” He said as he hid his face in my neck, “Fine I’ll stay if you get your fat ass off of me” I said pushing him off of me. “Don’t be mean to me, I’m vulnerable” He pouted “You owe me a hug now”
Chris had fallen asleep on me about 30 minutes after I got here but he needed the sleep so I didn’t bother him, a few hours had passed and he had just woken up. “Good morning sleeping beauty” I laughed at him making him whine and move his face away from my neck now laying on his back “Mmm if I’m sleeping beauty then I can’t wake up until I get a true loves kiss” he puckered his lips up and closed his eyes, earning a smack from me “Nice try bud” “It was worth a shot” he laughed.
We decided to watch a movie, Chris munching on the goldfish I brought him, before turning to me “Can I ask you a weird question” he asked earning a nod from me. “Remember what I said earlier?” “You said a lot earlier so you gotta be more specific” “What I said about h/e/n, when she said I was bad in bed” he sighed. “I don’t like where you’re going with this” “Just hear me out, would you um let me like make out with you and give you head? OH, and would you tell me if you think I have a small dick?” He pleaded with me.
I sighed sitting up to look at him “I love you and all but n-“ I didn’t get to finish because he interrupted me. “Before you say no…” He sat up moving his face closer to me, “…can I pleeeeaaaase!? If you don’t like it I’ll stop, I just need feedback on exactly what doesn’t feel good. please, it won’t be weird I promise!” he said, giving me the cutest pout. “Fine only because you look really cute when you make that face” I reluctantly agreed.
Chris pulled off his hoodie and shirt claiming they would make him “too hot” before throwing his blankets off of us sitting on his knees and pulling my face closer to his. I could feel the stubble underneath my fingers when I gently cupped his jaw, his eyes flickered between my eyes and my lips for a second before smashing our lips together. The kiss was hot and needy, Chris’ tongue slid across my bottom lip as he slowly pushed me to lay on my back making me gasp, allowing his tongue slide into my mouth as he moved to hover over me.
My other hand came up to to tread through his hair as his moved to my thigh, I don’t know what h/e/n was talking about when she said he was a bad kisser because that’s most definitely not true. Chris started leaving sloppy, wet kisses down to my neck before sucking deep purple hickies into my skin, pulling away when he heard a small moan come out of me when he sucked on a specific spot. I looked up at him, he was biting his lip looking at me “So how was that?” he asked. “Hmm I think I need one more for good measure” I teased as he smashed our lips together again.
This time he was a lot more rough, slightly sucking on my tongue making me loud out another whiny moan into the kiss. Lightly biting my bottom lip as he pulled away, wearing a cocky smile on his face. “Sooo” “One of the best makeout seshes I’ve ever had, I think you know that” I finally answered “You’re right, I just wanted to hear you say it, pretty. Now can I take off your shirt?” he replied. I just gave him a simple nod, he slid my shirt over my head looking down at my exposed breasts making him groan. He started kissing down my neck again, this time moving lower to leave hickies all over my chest before he wrapped his lips around my left nipple to suck on it, switching to do the same to the right one.
He moved lower, occasionally nipping at the skin of my stomach before he stopped at the waistband of my sweats. He slowly pulled my sweats off and started leaving teasing kisses on my thighs, his hands sliding up my sides as he started slightly sucking hickies into my thighs like he did to the rest of my body. He looked up at me, his eyes now so blown out that there was hardly any blue left, we made eye contact. He pulled away and smirked at me “You’re pretty I hope you know that”
Chris came up to press a soft kiss to my lips “How do you want me to get you wet?” He asked with a light blush across his face. “Just do it however you normally would, okay?” I cupped his face as I spoke, feeling the stubble underneath my fingers. “Okay but if I do that I have to take my pants, is that fine? I’ll still have my boxers on.” He said as he scratched the back of his neck nervously. “That’s fine but please stop being so nervous bubs, don’t let that stupid bitch get in your head!” I said pushing his hair back, he just nodded and took off his sweats.
Chris kissed me again for the umpteenth time tonight, licking my bottom lip asking for permission as he presses his hips down against mine. He started grinding against me as we made out, one of his hands coming up to grab one of my tits playing with the nipple making me moan. I felt his cock starting to get hard as he gently bit my bottom lip, I threaded my fingers through his hair and lightly tugged on it. I sucked on his tongue a little bit making him groan into the kiss before he started trailing his kisses down my body once again.
He aggressively pulled my panties down and threw them somewhere behind him, groaning when he saw how wet I was. “Damn, I really made you this wet?” he asked running a finger through my folds, I sheepishly nodded. Chris wasted no time, immediately pumping two fingers in me while kissing my thighs. He curled his fingers up, hitting my g-spot making me gasp before he wrapped his lips around my clit. Chris’ tongue started flicking the sensitive bundle of nerves as he kept curling his fingers up, slowly adding a third one. “Fuck Chris if you keep doing that I’m gonna cum” I moaned out, with his free hand Chris took one of my hands and placed it in his hair. I got the hint and started lightly pulling his hair not wanting to hurt him but his free hand came back to mine making my grip on his hair tighter and made me pull harder causing him to let out a groan.
The vibrations from his constant groaning make me get closer to my high, resulting in me placing both hands in his hair. Chris removed his lips from my clit “You like that baby, am I making you feel good?” he asked with a smirk before removing his fingers and replacing them with his tongue. “Sooo g-good Chris, gonna make me cum soon” I whined out as I felt my high approaching. Chris’ fingers started rubbing my clit in fast, tight circles, flicking his tongue in and out of my hole faster. “Oh sh-shit Chris, fuck ‘m gonna cum” I loudly moaned, tightly gripping his hair, making him groan, sending me over the edge.
After he had licked up all my cum, Chris hovered over me, his face shiny and covered in my cum. “So was it any good?” He asked with a cocky smile, already knowing the answer “You taste so good by the way, I might’ve just found my new favorite meal” he said winking. “Very good, the only thing that could make it better would be if you make out with me again” I responded while biting my lip. Chris came closer to my face so that our lips were almost touching “That can be arranged” he said before smashing his lips against mine, pressing his hips against mine once again, fully hard this time.
I grinded my hips up against his making him let out a loud groan “Fuck Y/n/n don’t do that, I’m already hard, I don’t need you making me hornier. It’s already gonna suck trying to ignore it, so d-don’t do tha- sh-shit” As he spoke I trailed my hand down his chest to his cock, giving it a squeeze. “Why don’t we prove the last two things she said wrong? Show me how good you can fuck me with your big cock Chris” I bit my lip and I moved my fingers to toy with the waistband of his boxers as I looked into his eyes. “Are you serious? Because I dont think I’ll be able to control myself if I fuck you and I don’t wanna be too rough or hurt your feelings” He spoke softly as he stroked my cheek with his thumb.
I leaned up to place a kiss below his ear as I whisper “What if I like it rough and have a degradation kink?” I asked before sucking a few hickies into his neck as he processed what I just said. “And I’m on the pill so you can fuck me raw if you want to” I added making him let out a deep growl pulling his boxers down as he placed his lips on mine, teasing his tip through my folds. Chris placed his tip at my entrance, slowly pushing the mushroomed tip in before slamming the rest of his length into me. He pulled away from the kiss looking down at me waiting for me to tell him to move, once I gave him a nod he started pumping in and out of me at a slow pace.
“Chris, faster, please” I whined out as my fingers went to pull his hair. He started speeding up his thrust as we both let out moans “Goddamn you’re so fucking tight, squeezing my cock so good baby” he groaned out, speeding up his thrust even more, my nails starting to dig into his back as I moaned loudly. Chris dropped his head to look down between our bodies to watch his dick pumping in and out of me. “Ch-Chris you’re so big f-fuck! Ohh right th-there!” I whined out when he hit my g-spot repeatedly, I started sucking more hickies into his neck to match mine. “Yeah, you like that baby? You gonna cum all over my cock like a slut?” Chris growled out moving his hands from my waist, the left one going to rub my clit while the right one starts to toy with my nipples.
I grabbed Chris’ right hand bringing it up to my throat, loving the way his jaw dropped for a moment before turning into a smirk as he wrapped his fingers around my throat to choke me. “You’re such a fucking whore, letting your best friend destroy your tight little pussy!” Chris groaned as his thrusts sped up, his fingers on my clit doing the same as he repeatedly hit my g-spot. “I’m gonna cum! Fuck can I please cum!” I begged, whimpering as my nails scratched down his back, Chris’ hand squeezed my throat harder only adding to the pleasure. I felt his thrusts starting get sloppy signaling he’d was close too.
“Cum all over my cock baby, be a good little slut for me.” Chris groaned out. I came around his cock, my walls squeezing tighter around him, making him shoot his load inside of me. Warm spurts of cum painting my walls white. After we both road out our highs Chris stopped rubbing my clit and removed his hand from my throat before pulling out, causing us both to hiss at the feeling before he plopped down next to me. We both caught our breath before Chris spoke “That was something huh?” he chuckled out “I’m gonna be honest h/e/n has absolutely no fucking idea what she’s talking about because that was amazing” I said rolling over to face Chris, who had a big smile spread across his face.
Chris placed a sweet kiss to my lips, smiling into it when I kissed back, he moved some hair behind my ear after we pulled away “Thank you, for everything. You definitely made me feel so much better tonight, now let’s go get cleaned up and then we can go to sleep. I mean if you want to stay, y-you don’t have to it’s okay-y to s-“ he started saying nervously before I cut him off with a kiss. “Chris you don’t have to keep being so insecure with me dude. I’m not h/e/n, I actually care about you and I love you, you’re my best friend. Now come on let’s go shower and then we can cuddle okay?” I said while stroking his cheek. We got up and took a shower getting dressed after, I wore one of his shirts and a pair of boxers, before going to lay down. I was covered in hickies which made Chris feel proud, this was going to be fun to explain to Matt and Nick in the morning…
Taglist: @aliyahsbody @angelic-sturniolos111 @biimpanicking @biplrbtch @chrisenthusiast @chrisolivia4l @christinarowie332 @chr1sgirl4life @creamoncreamoncream2 @delimeats-000 @dev-speaks @ermdontmindthisaccount @flowerxbunnie @fionaheartswomen @gilbertscurls @heartsforchrisandmatt @iheartchrissturniolo @ilovemattsturn @its-jennarose @justaslvttygirl @kvtie444 @lustfulslxt @luvysworld @m6ttsturniolo @mangosrar @mangoposts @meerkatzthings @mattsnutsack @meg-sturniolo @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @recklesssturniolo @rozariah51911 @slut4chr1s @solarsturniolo @soursturniolo @strniohoeee @strawberrysturniolo @sturnnfilm @sturniolocoded @sturniofilmd @sturniolohoe @sturniolopepsi @sturniolo0ntop @thecynthh @xxloveralways14
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ethereal-pie · 5 months
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bullfrog head cannons
I have seen no fics of this beautiful French man so I have done it myself
just a ramble of my thoughts in bullet point form
he is an american bullfrog, he not only looks like one but also there are tons in France
He enjoys warmth and gets grumpy if he is too cold
I feel like he doesn’t touch you all that much but adores cuddling 
If given the opportunity he will burry himself in pillows and blankets ( bonus if they are weighted) especially during winter cuz of his hibernation instinct
He will insist you join him and promise it’s very comfortable 
He isn’t slimy like his real world counterpart but his skin feels very moisturized 
He gets cold super easy and shove himself under your shirt or jacket to soak up your natural body heat 
You also don’t have to worry about it being too hot to cuddle as he is cool to the touch 
He will insist you let him put his cold ass hands on your bare back to warm them up , he will pout if you don’t let him 
Letting him do this will more then likely result in him having his head under your shirt and his face pressed into your back and his hands on your upper stomach 
He usually avoids conventional touch based pda, the most normal pda you’ll get out of under normal circumstances is a peck on the cheek 
Instead the way he shows touch based pda is by sitting on your shoulders
Although if he is super cold he won’t care all that much
 And  Unless your in a situation where being partners with him would put you in danger, he will be  fairly vocaly affectionate
He will call you his beloved and other pet names 
As well as praise, flirt and compliment you
Some of His pet names  involve your name 
He seems like a darling, my dear, love type of person
He will jokingly call you stupid ones as well 
He has a lot of running jokes with you and will tease and joke around with you all the time, he just likes laughing with you in general 
Some of your jokes might take a second to land with him in the beginning but as your relationship continues he will pick up almost immediately 
He tries really hard to be cool cuz he wants to make friends but everyone being stuck on him being a frog annoys him a lil 
He will complain about this to you at least once 
He is trying to be cool and Poetic!
When he is mad he will begin to speak in a mix of French and English but he doesn’t really yell at all, he does talk faster tho 
He will bath for hours but doesn’t like to shower 
He cannot use certain soaps or he will get sick because he will absorb the chemicals through his skin 
He likes the look of bubble baths but if he sits in them he gets sick cuz of the soap In the water 
Given his accent I assume he speaks French but I think he can speak multiple European language, due to his job 
He is very adverse to the idea of eating bugs, he isn’t scared of them but if someone offers him a bug he will be grossed out.
He is the kind of person to not only catch and release bugs he finds inside but he will have little convos with them too
You’ll hear in the other room “hello there my miniature friend.’’ And as he takes them outside “ I’m very sorry but you cannot stay here.” 
His approach to flying bugs is far different, he will take NO PRISONERS
He is very efficient with a fly swatter and knows all the concoctions to lure and kill flys fruit or other wise 
He avoids using his hands cuz of the bug guts 
If you are afraid of bugs he will find it amusing but he won’t tease or torment you, he will just chuckle at how ridiculous you look up on the counter while he captures the invader.
He is very polite and kind to everyone he interacts with unless they have done something to warrant other wise 
He will use French sayings in English  instead of the English one because he is convinced that “ they are far superior” 
Pins and needles are now ants, it’s raining ropes not animals, forget apples and trees, dogs don’t make cats.
If you use the English versions he will argue the French version is better 
“ bolt of lightning explans the felling of it, love at first sight is so bland.’’
Please convert he will find it unendingly adorable every time 
He does get cuteness aggression and will randomly shove his face into your chest and aggressively nuzzle into you whist squeezing you and violently kicking his legs and making a happy humming 
He will be embarrassed the first few times he does this 
He will get cuteness aggression from your cuteness aggression 
If you bite him he will be very confused but won’t care all that much so long as you aren’t hurting him
You will probably be taller then him and honestly he likes it that way because when you hug him he feels like momentarily  he is a totally encased by you 
You can carry him but only certain ways
No toddler hold, with one arm and him on your hip 
Piggy backs, shoulder sitting and standing are encouraged 
You can only sling him over your shoulder in emergency’s 
Same with under your arm 
He doesn’t like princess carry’s cuz he can’t hold on to much and he wants to touch with  max surface area
Carrying him by his armpits away from you has the same problem, he will struggle 
He does enjoy if you hug carry him with both arms, either his face in on your chest or resting on your shoulder 
I have made a helpful diagram ( I can draw but it’s just stick me cuz I’m lazy)
Tumblr media
He will randomly start monologueing if given the opportunity 
He will tell you about being an assassin but only if you ask 
I think he is more likely to be with Someone who has prior experience with fighting
He feels nauseous after producing bubbles 
He will lean on or try to be touching you while he recovers 
You cannot truly surprise him, he will know something is up the moment you even begin to plan 
He knows because you act slightly different 
And hiding  or sneaking something past him is also impossible 
He has to actively try to avoid finding out what your doing 
You’ve snuck something into the garage, I guess he isn’t going In There for a while 
Hiding something behind your back, he isn’t even gonna face your direction while you hide it 
You cannot sneak up on him either 
When you try he will scare you by suddenly turning around and grabbing you 
On the other hand he has  scared and surprised you accidentally many times 
hope you enjoy and this inspires more fic to be written of bullfrog
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dumplingsjinson · 6 months
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List of random dialogue prompts (pt. 2)
“If you felt want and longing the way I did — the way I still do — I promise you’d be driven fucking mad.”
“I wanted the thrill of the chase more than I wanted you.” 
“You really couldn’t have been any more obvious.” “That’s because I didn’t have anything to hide. I was being obvious, because I needed you to know, without a doubt, that I love you.” 
“This is literally the worst moment for me to be saying this but considering how we could die at any second, I need to get this off my chest before I become buried six feet under, without a chance to say any of this to you: I love you. I’ve loved you since we were kids. I’ve loved you every second of my life; from the moment when I knew what loving someone really meant.” 
“I kinda knew I lost all feelings for you when I realised I didn’t want to communicate with you about the problems that were happening between us. I became complaisant.” 
“Loving you is as easy as overthinking everything.” 
“It’s… easy with you. Nice. I don’t have to be someone else to impress you, because I know you love me for me.”
“There are parts of me I’d never thought I’d show to anyone else, but then… You came along, and for some reason, you made me want to be honest with you; bare my soul to you.”
“So what in the hell are we? I’m not doing this unless we’re on the same page.” 
“Please don’t tell me we’re nothing to you… That I mean nothing after everything’s that happened.”
“You’re my emotional support human, and I love you so, so much.”
“If you ever need me, I’ll be right here. Just as I’ve always been.” 
“I’d let you break my heart, if it means I’d get to have you for even a day.” 
“You make me feel like dancing in the pouring rain wouldn’t be such a bad thing.” 
“You’re astoundingly unhealthy for me, but do I care? No, because I wouldn’t have fallen if I cared, especially when I’m someone who’s usually so careful with whom I give my heart to.”
“…I didn’t drunk call you. It wasn’t a drunk call. I called you, perfectly sober.” 
“You’re someone I want to tell things to.”
“What’s more important to me is that I’m your last love.” 
“This… This hurts me more than it hurts you.”
“Falling in love wasn’t on the agenda.” “Do you mean falling in love with me out of all people wasn’t on the agenda?”
“I don’t know, I guess I’m kind of in love?”
“…I want all of you. On top, under, whatever — I don’t care, I just want you.”
“Maybe I can help you forget about them.”
“It’s easier to pretend I’m still in love with them, than leave them in that state.” “You know you basically lying to them about your feelings is gonna hurt them more in the long run, right?” 
“Why does it have to be them? Why can’t it be me?”
“I’ll give you two seconds to take that back.” 
“You gotta work for it, love.” 
“We can pretend that didn’t happen.” “I’m sorry, but I’m not as good of an actor as you are.”
“I don’t know how to… I’ve never done this before.” “Then follow my lead, okay?”
“I’m someone who falls in love easily, but I’m also someone who can’t get over someone as easily.”
“I want to make this work, because I don’t— I don’t want to— I can’t lose you.” 
“You make me want to be a better version of myself.”
“I don’t wanna mess this up with you.” “You won’t. I promise, you won’t, so just… Do whatever. I trust you.”  
“Why are you smiling at your phone?” “…I was looking at the mail app, and uh… Received some good news?”
“Because love isn’t linear. You know that, right?”
“I’m not doing this for you — I’m doing this for myself.” 
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person for you.”
“I’m here to stay. At least until you want me gone, which I hope is never.” 
“Chasing you is like chasing the rainbow… It’s impossible. You’re always slipping away no matter how fast I run after you.”
“Don’t give me that it’s not you, it’s me bullcrap. It’s us both. We’re both at fault for this relationship breakdown.” 
“God, I just like you so, so much.” 
“I think I need to get over you for me to feel better again.” 
“You and your stupid smile… Stop that.” 
“I just need you in me somehow, please—”
“I really hope you realised they were flirting with you.” “…They were?”
“I’ve caught feelings for you, and I know you don’t like me back that way so I just… Wanted to tell you, before I decide to let you go.”
“I’ll be here to pick up the broken pieces if that’s what you want me to do, but I’ll leave if you’re not ready for that… For something more with me.” 
“I love you, but I… I don’t think I see a future with you.” 
“Give me a week. A week, and I’ll be back to normal. A week, and I’ll… I’ll be over you. Just a week and you’ll have the old me back. It’s that easy, I promise.”
“I kinda wanna give myself a concussion so I can forget about you and not think about you twenty-four-seven.” 
(pt. 1) | (pt. 3)
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bangchansgirlsblog · 6 months
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Overprotective PT 3
!kinda proofread!
Hope you enjoy the last part :)
Don’t forget to throw in some request!
-🩷
(They will be a few time skips)
**
I sat on the dining table down stairs slowly eating my breakfast as the boys were running around trying to figure out stuff and brining their bags down. My bag was already brought down by the help of I.N who didn’t seem as mad at me like the other guys were. So, there was no need for me to go upstairs anymore.
My head phones were on and I was eating up some bacon, eggs and potatoes Leeknow had nicely cooked for me knowing that my stomach normally acts up whenever we had to travel. Which was really sweet of him really.
The house was noisy like usual. People were walking in and out of the house. Chan was running around with papers and passports in his hands in one corner obviously stressed. Hyunjin and Han arguing about who was taking what skincare, leeknow helping I.N figure out his airport outfit and Changbin, Felix and Seungmin were taking selfies to post on bubble.
Once I finish the meal the cars pulled up in our driveway and I grabbed my heavy bag trying to carry it to the car but completely failing. Stupid stylists and packing sending me all these clothes (joking I’m totally thankful for all of them)
"Here let me help you." I.N says grabbing the bags and carrying them into the car. I say a small 'thank you' really appreciating the fact that he didn't stand there and watch me suffer.
We get into our different cars knowing our trio's.
Me, I.N, Felix, then 3 Racha, then Leeknow, Seungmin and Hyunjin. Like always. It didn’t change unless there was some type of security problem. Our car was the loudest in normal occasions but today due to the circumstances, the car ride was quiet.
No one dared to speak a word. I felt myself slowly shutting down because I was so tired because of the lack of sleep.
We had been learning the new choreography the past week and barely got enough time to sleep. Even the boys started to complain about the amount of hours we were putting in.
The sleepy red eyes and eye-bags were the biggest signs.
I was struggling to stay awake there was no lie there. I grab my energy drink and start sipping on it. Hoping it could atleast get me through the walk through of the airport.
By the time we arrive I had finished the drink and put the can in the car trash bin and got out of the car with the boys.
All the fans lining up outside, probably thousands, screaming our names and trying to get a picture or look.
"Let's go this way." The guard says shielding us from the paparazzi's flash lights.
We follow him and meet up with some of the boys making our way to the front of the airport where we all stood in line and waved. Waved at everyone and took some pictures.
I could hear the burning questions of the paparazzi about the pictures from last night. The yelling growing louder and louder. Some were horrible and others were way too insensitive.
"Just ignore them, yeah?" I.N says in my ear and I quickly look over at him nod. Nobody could see the tears that hid behind my glasses. Thank God.
I just knew I had to act normal and act like nothing was getting to me because if I did it would be suspicious if the person in the picture wasn’t ‘actually me’.
"Alright shall we?" The manager motions for all of us to follow him and we do. We follow him all the way through into the crowd and into check in.
"It must not be her it those pictures from last night then. What a scam! Her hair is blonde!" I hear some people whispering in the line that was right next to us.
"Poor girl! All the hate she's getting online is so saddening. Atleast now we know it's not her." The other girl replies while tapping on her phone.
The hate I was getting? What hate was I getting?
I questioned and pull out my phone and scroll through the new articles that read.
"New photos from last night FAKE!" I sigh in relief as people were actually believing it wasn't me in those pictures. Chan was right.
I was happy for a little while until I scroll onto twitter where things started to actually get out of hand.
I start reading each and ever comment under my hashtag. #straykidsY/n
"I knew she wasn't Idol type!"
"This is honestly disgusting how could she do that to her fans"
"Does it mean to at she's getting kicked out of straykids?"
"I told y'all she was disgusting. Y'all didn't believe me"
My jaw is left hanging and I squint my eyes scanning every single comment in shock. Why were people so mean? Why were men sexualizing me as well? Grown men?
"Y/n. Keep walking," Leeknow whispers in his scolding tone. “Your slowing down.” I try and pick up my pace and when we make it past the check in point. I quickly put my phone away and wipe the tears that had fallen.
The heat under my sweater was starting to get to me. It felt like I was slowly suffocating. It felt like the walls were crashing in.
I start to sweat as I access the way we're going.
A lot of people in the airport were staring at us. A lot of eyes were watching us. Watching me probably.
Probably thinking I'm the worst or thinking of how I would like it in my panties. Disgusting.
My hands grow sweaty and start to slowly shake. I feel my legs grow weaker. We're almost at the private jet. We're almost there.
If I can get to the jet that's all. That's all I need to do.
But the icky feeling of throwing up starts to crawl in my stomach. I start to slow down which causes Leeknow to scold me again but I can't, I can't walk. It feels like I'm slowly being pulled into the ground.
"What is it?" Leeknow says holding onto my hand. This causes everyone to also stop even the guards and staff.
"What's wrong?" He looks at me worried.
The cold sweat and pale skin worries him even more and starts to worry Chan now who is now walking from the front to the back.
"P-panic attack." I manage to say in short breathes. I'm leaning on leeknow. My breathing getting shorter by each breath.
"What is it? What going on?" Chan whispers. His hand automatically placing on my back.
"I think she's having a panic attack." Leeknow whispers.
"Fuck, Y/n. Listen, you need to breathe and walk so we can get you somewhere quieter." He talks to me softly, “can you do that for me love?” He asks.
I slowly nod and start taking slow steps. The two older boys standing by my side making sure I don't collapse.
By the time we walk into the jet I gasp for air and walk to a corner far from everyone. Leeknow and Chan following me closely behind.
“Do you need some water? Talk to me what’s wrong?” Leeknow asks kneeling in-front of me.
“It’s so hot, it’s so hot.” I start to panic even more.
My hands rip through my sweater. “Where’s your bag Y/n?” Chan asks and I point by the door. He grabs it and pulls out my small portable fan and points it my way.
A hand on my lap makes me look up. Seungmin standing there looking very worried.
"Y/nie you need to breathe my love. Breathe. Here look at me." He holds my hand and squeezes it. "See your doing a good job. Everything is okay. You don't need to panic okay? I've got you."
The world slowly starts moving at a normal speed again. Seungmin sits by me and pulls me into his arm cuddling me.
"See, there you go baby girl. You're okay now. You're fine." I look over at him and couldn’t help but smile. That didn’t last long when the feeling of nausea hits me really hard.
"I feel sick Minnie,” I say trying to get out of his grip just incase I didn’t throw up I didn’t want to throw up on him.
He furrows his eyes, “What kind of sick love?"
"I'm going to throw up." I take in deep breathes and swallow really hard trying to stop it from coming out.
"Oh my God, hold on let me grab a bag." The sound of panic rises in his voice and he moves to the side. "Chan pass me those paper bags now." He tells him in a hurry and Chan does so.
I grab it out of his hands and start to gag. The gag came with all the breakfast I had eaten. I keep throwing up until my throat and stomach start to burn.
I shut my eyes in pain. A few tears falling from all the exhaustion.
His hand was holding my hair now and rubbing my back waiting for me to empty the contents in my tummy. "Are you done?" I nod my head and he takes the trash bag away.
"Here's water babygirl." Chan hands me the bottle and I drink it then lay on the chair in my eyes slowly closing.
"How are you feeling? Talk to us.” Han pops up out of no where.
"Mmm sleepy." I softly say and I hear a tiny ‘aww’.
"Here are you headphones. Get some rest then in a bit you can have some food yeah?" I hum in response and face the other way so I could fall asleep.
I keep twisting and turning until I can finally get some rest.
*
"Alright welcome to New York!" A big buff guy says welcoming us in the airport. He was accompanied with 2 other big buff guys and a tiny lady.
"You must be BangChan." She smiles and gives him a hand shake.
"Yes I am and these are straykids." He smiles and we all bow saying hello.
"Nice to meet you guys. Okay, so we heard that you guys were tired so we might just do a few pictures outside and then we can head off to the hotels." She says enthusiastically, "Your schedules will be handed to you by my assistant once you guys arrive. Any questions?"
"No not really. No questions as for now. We would like to say thank you for having us and thank you for being our tour manger this time round. We appreciate it. Also as a thank you we braught you some goodies from South Korea." Chan smiles and point to the basket Changbin is holding.
"Oh thank you so much! Please I hope you guys enjoy your stay. If you guys need anything, anything at all do not hesitate to contact me through your managers yes?" Chan smiles at her and we all give her a friendly wave before walking outside to flashing lights and into our different cars.
In the evening a few of the boys came at different times checking in on me. Luckily I hadn’t thrown up or had any other panic attack. I knew they were still mad at me but they wanted to know if I was good or not.
“Why do you guys keep coming to my room if you’re mad at me?” I ask Hyunjin and Han who were the last ones to check in.
“Just because we’re mad at you doesn’t mama we want you to be sick and unhealthy. We still care.” Hyunjin tells me while handing me a cup of warm
Milk.
“True now drink up so we can go for dinner,” I give Han a small smile before drinking the warm milk.
I couldn’t help but still frown though. The unsettling feeling of guilt just lingering in my tummy.
I just wanted my scolding to get over with so that they wouldn't be mad at me anymore and when I was sent a text to go to Chan's room. I knew it was time.
I put on my slippers and quickly make my way to his room and stare at the door.
“God I beg you, let me come out of this room alive. Amen” I whisper a small prayer before knocking.
"Hey you wanted to speak with me?" Chan answers with his laptop in one hand and phone in the other.
"Come in Y/n." He says softly and I walk into his room. Slowly by slowly I notice all the boys seating in different places; on the bed, chairs and tables.
I sigh and take a sit on the chair that was put in the middle of the room obviously for me. It felt like I was in court at this point. A sigh leaves my lips as I wait for them to start.
"Y/n. What you did was the most stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life." Chan says getting serious. His tone getting harsh.
I flinch at this but continue to listen to his scolding.
“Yes Chan I’m sorry.” I softly say looking at the carpet beneath me.
"I am disappointed in you, I really am. I'm not even going to explain to you in depth how much trouble I am in with your parents and JYP. They still think that it wasn't you in that picture because we had to lie and say you were home getting your hair dyed. Your lucky people are eating this shit up." His tone was now getting more harsher.
"As for your punishment,” I take a breath I’m hoping that it would be light, “Your not allowed to go anywhere unless your with the boys. You're grounded for 3 months. All your doing is going for practice, rehearsals and schedules. No where else. Understand?" Fuck.
"Yes BangChan." I say softly playing with the rings on my fingers.
"You can't even be trusted now. All my trust in you is gone. Do you know how many phone calls I've gotten?" I keep quiet. "Answer me, I'm talking to you."
"No Chan I don't" I reply.
"Exactly, so I hope you'll learn your lesson the hard way. Also whoever that little boy is, I never wanna see you with them until your dating contract is over understand? Fuck it I don’t want to see you with any boy at all whether they’re your friends or your bestfriends."
"Yes bangchan."
"Do any of you guys have anything to say?" He looks around the room to the rest of the boys who were giving me very stern looks.
"I hope you really learn your lesson love. We're only doing this because you're still young. You won't get it."
"Yes Hyunjin,"
"Okay now you can go on into your room." Chan says dismissing me.
I slowly get up and walk out of the room and into mine.
Atleast the scolding was over with and I wasn’t thrown out a window. Atleast now they won’t be angry at me.
My knees buckle as I make it into the dark bedroom but I'm able to stay steady. I walk and lay on the bed and scroll through my twitter reading the comments.
I find my self spiraling. The world spinning once again due to the mean comments and threats. I didn’t know why was doing this to myself, why was I reading such hateful things? I need a breather. Some fresh air. Without thinking, I drop my phone on my bed and grab my shoes.
I walk to the hotels stair case and start walking up the stairs.
When I get to the rooftop I sit down and take in the view. It was peaceful and quiet. No one was up there which made it even better.
I wipe my tears that I hadn’t noticed had fallen and start to calm down. Just enjoying the view. Enjoying being alone and taking a short break from people. From the commotion.
It felt like 30 minutes and when I come back down and walk into our corridor I see the guards standing outside us Chan is pacing up and down outside my door.
What were they doing? I question and make my way to them so I could get to my door.
"What's going on?" I ask furrowing my eyebrows.
"Y/n? Oh my God thank God." He sighs in relief. I swear I saw him tear a little too.
"What happened?" I asked everyone.
“It’s okay I found her, thank you though. I don’t know where she was but I’m about to find out. Yeah okay bye.” Chan hands up the phone and looks up at me, "Where did you go Y/n? I told you not to go anywhere without the boys!" He exclaims.
"Chan I just went upstairs to the rooftop. Is that wrong?" I ask him confused than before.
"You were just on the rooftop?" He asks unsure to believe what I’m saying.
"Yes I was. You can check the cameras if you don't believe me." I shrug and pull out my room keys.
"Then why weren't you picking up your phone? You scared me! I thought you runaway!" Hyunjin steps In.
"I left it inside because of all the hateful notifications I was getting," I sigh and look up at the boys.
"Hate notifications?" I.N asks confused.
"Yeah the hate is getting really bad, so I decided to go for a breather. No big deal. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to go anywhere in the hotel premises-"
"No no your allowed, I- I just started freaking out thinking you had run away or something. Go on into your room we'll be there in a bit." I shrug and watch him turn the guards who looked like they had seen a ghost.
Knowing the boys well, they probably had threatened them and cursed every living thing in their life time which I found kind of funny because of how Overprotective they were.
I enter my room and start dressing up for bed and removing my makeup.
When the door opens and closes and a few of the boys walk in. (Felix, Han and Chan) I look up at them confused.
"Would you maybe like to go bawling?" Han says softly.
"But isn't it late and I'm grounded-"
"We'll your grounded starting when we get to Korea. Right now we're in New York. Let's have some fun. My treat." Chan smiles and sits on my bed.
I knew they felt bad and I knew they didn't want me to be alone in the room to fight my thoughts.
"Come on it's a good distraction and we can grab some street food!" Felix chimes and rubs my shoulders.
"Okay fine I'll get dressed." I sigh tired.
"Unless you wanna stay in and watch a movie?" Han says looking at me worried.
"No no no, we can go I'm just a little tired."
"Oh then we're definitely staying in and watching a movie." Chan stands up from my bed and grabs his phone.
"We'll order in a lot of food and then go to sleeep yeah? I'll text the boys."
"Okay that's sounds relaxing."
"Yes it does AND we can finish of that game we couldn't last time."
"Yeah we can."
*
The food was really good and after so many questions about whether I wanted to throw up or not had passed, we were able to all lay in Chan's bed piling on top of eachother.
"I love you Y/nie" I.N says out of the blue and starts to poke my side.
"I love you more than he loves you," Felix jumps in.
"No I do!" Hyunjin says.
"Okay okay I get the point! I love you guys too. I geuss." I tease and they all chuckle.
"We hope your no longer sad about us scolding you, we really do mean well love,"
"I know I know, it's okay I deserved it. I'm sorry for being a handful."
"You're not a handful really, just a growing baby."
"Guys I'm 18, oh my God stop calling me a baby!!" I bury my face into the blankets and they all start laughing.
My little family.
**
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dollfacedsl1ut · 6 months
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Chanel purse
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➼ compendium : you bought another purse without permission
➼ dynamic : !sugar mommy zyu x !fem reader
➼ warnings : guided masturbation, vibrator, squirting, onsided masturbation, phone sex, mommy jihyo obv, reader has a degradation kink, dirty talk (just jihyo), passive aggressiveness from zyu, reader is horny hearing zyu scold her :((
requested?? : nope (request are open tho)
➼ word count : 637
a/n: I’ve been obsessed with zyu recently LIKE OFMFKDKDJ (⸝⸝⸝O﹏ O⸝⸝⸝) not proofread Oopsie
˚₊‧꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ ˚₊‧꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ ˚₊‧꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ ˚₊‧꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
You shut your laptop after buying yet another Chanel purse with jihyos credit card, shes been on her work trip for the past 2 weeks her absence drove you mad as you started to buy any online purchase that sparked your interest including a 1.5k pink purse with a pearl handle
Your phone rang with a incoming call from jihyo, answering her raspy voice started to speak fast over the phone “y/n another purse what the fuck are you doing” you put her on speaker phone picking up your cup of tea “I got bored my bad” rolling your eyes jihyo could sense that you didn’t care about the purchase “y/n I’m so serious” her voice deepened causing you to squeeze your thighs together “m’sorry I just missed you so much I needed to occupy myself” she sighed into the mic before lecturing you, her voice just turned you on forgetting about why she even called you, the uncomfortable feeling of your panties sticking to your clit made you rock your hips against the bed the friction caused soft whimpers to escape your lips.
Thinking about using your vibrator you were a bit scared jihyo would hear the buzzing sound your eyes scanned over the bed as your eyes landed on the white hitachi wand turning it on low and sliding your panties aside the wand touched your clit as your breath hitched, rocking your hips steadily with the wand you picked up your phone before placing it on your chest you can tell jihyo was finishing her rant before a particularly loud moan escaped your lips which caused jihyo to stop talking…
“Y/n…” you could hear the dussaponntmebt in her voice “I’m sorry i couldn’t help myself-“ your whiny voice made her show a little mercy on you “are you using the hitachi wand I got you” looking down at the at the wand placed between your folds “yes I’m sorry- I just like the way your voice changes when you’re upset” your voice shook as you felt your release nearing “so you like my voice sweetheart?” The tone of her voice causes your brain to fog “it’s such a shame in not there to fuck my pretty girl silly” jihyo heard your high pitched moaning knowing you were near your release you rocked your hips faster against the wand the vibration still on low the faint buzzing sound was the only thing you heard besides your moans and jihyo helping you cum “I’m so close” your voice barely above a whisper, she heard your pleads to let you cum “turn it up higher” pressing the button the vibrations sped up you stopped rocking your hips as your legs shook and repulsed “please I need to cum please” pleads barely audible, you heard jihyo chuckle at your pleads
“why should I let you cum you spent money on a new purse without asking then proceeded to fuck yourself as I lectured you” your heart sank as you kept the vibrator to your clit trying to delay your release, thinking of a good comeback you decided to keep it to yourself really needing to cum “you know I don’t reward for bad behavior y/n” she sighed again in the mic making it harder for you to hold back “since I’ve missed your pretty voice… I’ll let you cum sweetheart” you whimpered loudly as you let go squirting all over the bed your thighs quivered as you kept the vibrator against your clit, your juices spewing out occasionally “now cut the vibrator off” removing the vibrator before powering the wand off you sat up examining the mess “I want the sheets changed by the time I get back you have 2 hours get it done” seeing the condition of the room you knew you had to get started right away
© psychoz4nymph.tumblr please do not copy, steal or translate my work without permission
˚₊‧꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ ˚₊‧꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ ˚₊‧꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ ˚₊‧꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
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rebouks · 15 days
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Previous // Next
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[Brodie flicked through the mail, instantly recognising the scrawling handwriting of a certain redheaded little boy. Scaring a few birds in the process, he bellowed up the stairs: ALEEEEX!] Alex: [breathless] Is it for me?! Brodie: Nah, but I could do with some help carrying this super heavy envelope upstairs. Alex: Who do you think you are, Johnny Zest? Brodie: I’m better than that guy, c’mon…
… Hi Alex! Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to you, I promise I didn’t forget! I guess I just didn’t really know what to say cos I’ve sorta not felt like myself recently. My mom says I disappear into my own world sometimes so I sorta did that again and found it hard to think of anything fun to say. I don’t think I’d mind if you wrote to me about the less fun parts of your life though n’ my dad says you shouldn’t really keep everything to yourself all the time cos it ends up hurting so I thought I’d write anyway n’ just force myself not to worry about being boring or whatever. Your letters and your life always sound so exciting compared to mine though so sometimes it’s hard not to!!
I got in a fight at school which sounds like it should be an exciting story, but it wasn’t really. There’s this kid called Levi in my class that always picks on me (don’t worry though, I don’t care about that) and I couldn’t be bothered listening to him anymore so I hit him a couple times, I thought he’d hit me back but he just freaked out so I sorta felt bad about it afterward. He still makes fun of me but he doesn’t get up in my face as much so that’s a plus. Who says violence doesn’t solve anything? Hahaha I’m kidding! It wasn’t nice of me but maybe he should know better than to push people around so much.
I’m looking forward to summer so I can wander off a bit more and maybe it won’t rain so much! My mom doesn’t really like it when I go too far but as long as I’m back before curfew she tries not to freak out about it which is nice of her cos she knows I like to explore n’ stuff. I shouldn’t complain about my family cos I love them n’ stuff but I like being on my own sometimes and it’d be nice to have a bit of peace now n’ then. I’ve got SUPER good hearing so it’s hard to find anywhere quiet in my house, especially cos there’s always something crazy going on. My aunt Alma is sorta similar to me so she’s been helping me block out the noise with this meditation sorta thing, I guess it’s hard to explain but it’s not as lame as it sounds, it’s kinda fun to see how long you can stay in your own brain without people interrupting you. That probably sounds really weird but maybe you sorta get what I mean?
I finally have a treehouse now too!! It reminds me of your watchtower in some ways, but I guess it’s no way cooler than that, even though I know you’re bored of it by now. I wish we could hang out in it together cos it’s super awesome! Mom n’ dad don’t really bother me when I’m up there n’ my brother n’ sisters can’t manage the ladder yet so it’s all mine! It’s right at the bottom of the garden and looks out over the whole Bay too! Mom said she might let me sleep in it once it gets a bit warmer! It’d be cool falling asleep to the sound of the waves.. I hope it doesn’t end up making me need to pee all night though haha!!
Wren’s been obsessed with watching me play on the computer recently and I keep tryna teach her how to play herself but her little fingers can’t really reach all the buttons on the keyboard too well and she gets stupid mad when she dies so she just makes me play instead. She’d kick me if I told anyone but she’s a bit scared of some of the monsters too lol!! Mom told me I shouldn’t let her watch those ones but they’re the only ones she WANTS to watch and she jumps all over me until I give in so idk what they expect me to do other than lock her in the pantry, but I got told off for that so I guess I shouldn’t do that again haha (Wren thought it was funny though so it’s all good!) It’s a shame you don’t have a computer in the tower otherwise we could play together! Jude n’ Jacob aren’t really into that sorta thing so I usually just play on my own. Do you have a computer back home??
Oh! I got another badge for my swimming lessons too! I’ve almost got em all now which is neat but I sorta wanna avoid getting the last ones cos anyone that gets them all or has good attendance n’ whatever get an award at the end of the school year. They save em all up to give out at some stupid last year disco thing they put on before summer for the last year kids n’ it’d be so cringe to get called out in front of everyone like that. Some people think it’s gonna be amazing like my friend Jude, but I’d rather not go at all. Mom n’ dad keep saying it’ll be fun n’ everyone else is excited about it too but how fun could something be if you’re technically at SCHOOL? Bleh! I know you said you hate it sometimes, but being homeschooled sounds awesome to me lol.
I keep tryna bug my parents to go camping again so we could maybe see each other but they won’t take me out of school for a holiday n’ dad’s too busy with some work project so I guess we’ll have to keep writing to each other instead! Maybe if I keep annoying them about it we can come back in the summer! I hope so anyway but I guess I don’t wanna piss em off TOO much just in case my plan backfires or something.
I still feel really bad about not writing sooner but my dad said better late than never so hopefully you’re not too upset with me! I’ll try my best to write faster next time so you don’t have to wait as long. I’m looking forward to hearing about everything you’ve been up to!! Love Robin c: ps. my dad’s friend finally helped me fix that old polaroid so I’ve sent you some random pictures I took to test it out! I’m still getting used to it but the next ones will be better, I swear!
… the treehouse! it even has cool lights on it!! the back of our house! it’s so big it’s hard to fit in a picture.. it sorta looks fancy but it’s not really n’ dad said it was cheap cos it was a shithole a rare Byrd! (grumpy too – dad tried to take his dummy off him lol) he’s not supposed to be on my bed… the Bay! Jude says I sound girly for saying it’s so pretty here but I don’t care I could take a million pictures of this place n’ never get bored (I’ll stop now though cos mom says these polaroid things aren’t cheap for this model.. oops lol!!)
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breeloveschris · 2 months
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You’ll Never Understand pt 5
Pt 4 Pt 6
Pairing: Chris Sturniolo X Reader
summary: Y/n always been best friends with the triplets.. until one random day in sophomore year Chris despised Y/n, and till this day Y/n still don’t know why. Nick and Matt will never understand why Y/n has never stopped being sweet and caring to Chris as if nothing ever happened.
Warnings: cussing, gets a little little spicy
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Y/n’s pov:
I turn on my computer getting ready to set up my twitch. I walk over to my mirror waiting for my computer to come on, I look at the love bites still in shock. Is this gonna change everything? I mean we didn’t really do anything. We didn’t even kiss but I can’t help but wonder why he did it. He didn’t give me one explanation. But when does Chris Sturniolo tell anyone why he does what he does.
I turn seeing my Computer screen on. I set up my camera making sure both chairs will be in frame. I open up twitch and look at myself in the camera to make sure I look okay and don’t have any fly aways. “Chris!” I yell out to the living room trying to get his attention. “What? You live?” He yells back. “No I’m just making sure you stay quiet while I do this, then I’ll come in there and get you. Okay?” I say walking to the door.
“Yea whatever, you got it.” He really needs to get rid of that attitude before I go live. I shut my door and make my way back to my desk. I set everything up on my desk and put my phone there for questions later. I turn on the stream and give it a second posting a quick story on instagram telling the fans to give me questions to ask Chris. I look up seeing people flooded in making my smile grow wide.
I wave and say “Hey guys! How are we today?” I watch the chat most of them saying they want Chris in here. I smirk looking at the camera, “Y’all want me to go get Chris?” I say getting up and leaning forward to watch the chat only seeing yes which makes me laugh and shoot a quick “I’ll be right back” before making my way out the door.
I walk into the living room with a smile but seeing Chris’s pissed face made my stomach drop. “You’re fucked dude” Chris says with a mean sarcastic laugh. What the fuck did I do to him this time. “Can this wait until after the stream for whatever the fuck this is.” I say not wanting anyone to get mad at me for taking so long. “Yea that’s fine let’s go”
I sigh pressing end stream. I look straight down to my lap playing with my hands so maybe Chris just suddenly forgets about what had pissed him off earlier. “Alright talk” Chris says getting comfortable in his chair crossing his arms. “I don’t even know what happened.” I just mumble out. I just wish what ever happened would go by quickly. We were just starting to get along again.
“These texts that Jaxon posted not even 3 hours ago” Chris starts. “Wha-” I start but I get cut off by Chris “It deadass has your name at the top.” Chris just continues not letting me speak so I just keep playing with my hands wishing I was anywhere but here. “I don’t understand why’d you text him after what happened last night” Chris raised his voice. “Let me speak” I finally look up at him with a straight face.
“Go for it” Chris sighs while moving a bit to get more comfortable. “I didn’t text him. And before you scream at me, grab my phone. Check my recent text messages. The password is 080103” I tell him pointing to my phone sitting on my desk.
His jaw just drops slightly. I don’t know why he’s shocked that I gave him my password and told him to go through it. Jaxon had me so upset last night so why the fuck would I text him, but must importantly why the fuck did Chris believe him.
“Im not checking your phone, that’s not me” Chris said raising his hands. “Okay so do you believe me?” I look at him with my brows raised. He just looks at me with a huff. “Yeah I do, I honestly don’t know why I believed him. I think since we started getting along this morning got me worried” he finishes rubbing his hands on his face. I’m so confused.. why would he be worried? “Chris there’s no reason to worry tho” I state more as a question.
Chris looks at me then pats his lap. What the fuck.. is this man trying to get me to sit on his lap? When I don’t move, he rolls his eyes and grabs my hand pulling me to stand in front of him in between his legs. “Why do you think your worried Chris” I ask him standing there looking down at him. He doesn’t answer. He just keeps looking at me.
Chris moves his hands up to my waist pulling me onto his lap making me let out a small gasp. My lips are so close to his. My breath hitches in my throat due to being this close. He’s moves his right hand up from my waist to my cheek lightly stroking my face tilting his head while looking between my lips and eyes.
“You’re so pretty Y/n/n” Chris says in a soft whisper making my heart leap. I laugh and hide my face in my hands trying to hide my blush. Chris laughs pulling my hands off my face. “Cmon pretty girl, don’t hide from me” Chris whispers with a smirk on this face. Chris grabs my hips pulling me even closer.
He groans at the contact of my hips rolling over his lap, making my breath come out shaky. Chris starts to slowly lean in locking eyes with me. But of course right before his lips touch mine my phone starts ringing. Chris lets out a frustrated sigh.
I turn around staying on Chris’s lap reaching for my phone on my desk. “It’s Matt” i sigh answering the phone. “What’s up?” I said while putting the phone on speaker and giving it to Chris.
I just wrap my arms around Chris’s shoulders hiding my face in his neck. “Hey is Chris still with you?” Matt asks over the phone. “Yeah I’m here, she put you on speaker phone” Chris adds to the conversation while rubbing my back with his hand.
I reach over and put the phone off speaker while chris gives me a weird look. I just push the phone to his ear, i smirk knowingly I got him right where I want him. I start kissing his neck slowly making love bites, making him tighten his grip on my shirt. “Yeah that should-” Chris starts but gets interrupted by me grinding down on him. “No ,yeah that should work. Just let me-” Chris throws his head back and grips my hip surely leaving a bruise. This happens after almost every time he talks.
Finally getting off the phone he throws my phone over to the bed. I pull away from his neck looking at my work with a big smirk on my face. I look at Chris with a small smile. He looks back at me with hooded eyes, his eyes widening looking at my shy smile. He grabs my hips standing up with me in his arms, “you didn’t.” He says while he places me on my bed. I just lay down looking at him with a giggle. He looks in the mirror seeing the 4 hickeys gasping.
“You’re lucky they’re small and can be hidden. Mine can’t be” I sigh looking up at my ceiling. Chris just walks over to me with a grin, “yea well you’re still getting it” Chris states as he starts tickling me. I let out a loud laugh trying to push him off of me.
He doesn’t stop until his own phone starts ringing. “Damn” he says letting go, “who’s that?” I ask him leaning up on my elbows. “It’s Matt, he’s here to pick me up.” He says answering the phone with a sigh. I get up from the bed walking over to Chris throwing my arms around him.
Matt ended up not being here, he just wanted to ask what we wanted from canes. We walked to the living room turning on a movie to wait, Matt and Nick are bringing canes here and they’re gonna eat here then leave. I wasn’t really paying attention to the movie because my mind is running at full spead.
I just don’t understand how me and Chris got here, it all happened so fast. I can’t lie and say I haven’t been attracted to Chris because I mean look at him, the way his hair just sits perfectly, his hands, his eyes, his smile.I just could never act on it cause they’ve always been my bestfriends, and if something happens between me and Chris and it ends badly I’ll probably lose all three of them.
My thoughts get interrupted by Chris “we can’t tell my brothers what happened” Chris turns and looks at me. “I know you don’t want me to act mean but I’m going to, I can’t have them finding out” Chris says with an apologetic smile. I can’t believe him right now. So we’re just gonna hide? I mean he could at least be nice to me in front of them. I simply roll my eyes giving him a thumbs up. He just smirks and grabs my chin pulling me into a slow kiss.
Idk if I like this one 😅 but lmk what you think!
Taglist: @lacysturniolo @mattsaq @junnniiieee07 @sturniolosreads @creamoncreamoncream2 @robins-scoop @blahbel668 @carolsturns1 @sturniolopepsi @luverboychris @hearts4chris @freshloveforthefit @stuniolobbg @novasturniolo03 @alexb5598 @sturnioloa @nicksmainbitch @icedchailatee
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hausofneptune · 3 months
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aspects/placements i love (and hate!) in my chart pt. 1 | astro notes 003
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hey y’all! i felt like going through some of my personal aspects/placements and describing the “positive” and “negative” ways they’ve manifested in my life, so here we are. this ended up being longer than i thought it would, so i'll end up doing a part two since i really enjoyed making this!
disclaimers | masterlist | ask
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venus conj. neptune in aquarius (1°03’) in the 1H
this is one of my favorite placements. i feel like this + my pisces sun can make me appear to others as “ethereal” at times, but if i’m keeping it a buck, it also makes me extremely evasive. i have a good amount of aquarius influence in my chart as well, so all of this combined definitely makes me feel like i have to put in effort to not come off as too impersonal, especially towards my loved ones. 
having neptune in my 1H also makes me feel like people perceive me to be someone that i’m not. like even my close friends and family, i don’t feel like anyone actually understands who i am, and i don’t think i’ve ever had a relationship (platonic, romantic, or familial) where i felt like i was seen for who i actually am, or where i was able to connect to somebody on a deeper, spiritual level. i can also over-romanticize people and situations at times, but i’ve grown out of this habit… for the most part.
i’ve always been an extremely creative/artistic person. i’ve been drawing, painting, writing, and singing since i was a kid, and i even sell my artwork now as an adult. i’m extremely imaginative, but i do have to be careful to not get too in my head and forget to participate in reality, if that makes sense. i’ve also had issues with dissociation and memory loss throughout my life. i feel like my lived experience has more to do with that, but i can see how the Neptunian influence in my chart could play a role in it as well.
venus opposite north node in the 7H (1°40’)
there are some placements that convince me that the universe was tryna be funny when it made my birth chart. this is one of them. i have so many things in my chart that can make it challenging at times to form meaningful, trustful relationships with other people, and it’s interesting to me the fact that my spiritual growth is something that’s supposed to be found… through my relationships with other people. i try not to victimize myself too much and look at things from an objective lens, but i would be lying if i said it didn’t feel like people find it convenient to have me in their lives only when i allow them to view me in a way that makes them feel the most comfortable.
like i mentioned, i can be very avoidant, it’s something i’m working on. but i know that it’s possible for me to have fulfilling connections with other people, and obviously with this placement it’s something i need to work through my aversion to, seeing as my self-development and spiritual growth is something that’s extremely important to me and deep down i do want to want to experience having meaningful, healthy relationships. 
sun sextile lilith (within 3.0°) in the 11H / chiron in the 11H
let me tell you, most of the people i’ve been friends with over the years, regardless of gender, hypersexualize the fuck out of me. especially the men i’ve been friends with, majority of them had feelings for me that i never reciprocated. i was actually friends with a girl in high school who’s moon fell in my 8H, and in hindsight she had a very unhinged, borderline obsession with me. she would speak to me, and get mad at me, as if we were in a relationship together, and did not understand any type of boundaries that you’re supposed to have with someone you’re friends with. i don’t hold it against her now as an adult, but we definitely don’t speak to each other anymore.
i’ve also encountered issues in regards to the relationships i've with women, mainly when i was younger though, the women i’m acquainted with now i have healthy, normal friendships with (thank god). but i’ve had friendships with girls where they secretly didn’t like me, they were secretly attracted to me, or both. and i don't mean this in a weird, misogynistic, "pick me i'm different!" type of way at all, this is just a pattern i picked up on with some of the women i've met throughout my life.
in regards to having chiron in my 11H, my sore spot is most definitely my friendships. on top of feeling misunderstood and objectified in the friendships i’ve had, i’ve also experienced trauma at the hands of people i thought were my friends. and i always do my best to exercise being mindful and self-aware, and i’m definitely not on some “i’ve always been the perfect friend and people hurt me regardless, boo-hoo, woe-is-me” type shit, because i’ve definitely hurt people in my lifetime. but in terms of how these placements have manifested, i’ve always encountered difficulty in connecting to others, and i’m just now getting to a point where i feel comfortable enough to even attempt to try making new friends again. 
and this is what i mean when i say: astrology is a tool that you can use for shit that is more important than your appearance and future partner! it wasn’t until my 12H profection year when i started studying traditional astrology and learned how to read charts, that i actually began to understand myself on a deeper level and gained the confidence to end friendships that no longer served me and made new ones that actually do. 
chiron in my 11H also makes me feel inclined to take on a “therapist” role in my friendships, something that can be good or bad depending on whether the boundaries are there or not. i tend to attract people who like to trauma dump on me (that’s my moon in the 8H influence too), and i have to actively put boundaries in place and make sure people around me understand that i have to be in the right mindset to hold space for them. there aren’t a lot of pisces sun stereotypes that i can relate to, but being an emotional sponge is definitely one that i can. unfortunately. 
moon and ceres in virgo in the 8H 
LMAOOO this one might be a little heavy. i apologize in advance. feel free to skip this one if you don’t want to hear about parental/maternal loss or my mommy issues <3
my relationship with my mom is without a doubt where a lot of my emotional avoidance comes from. that plus my moon being in the 8H makes me very guarded when it comes to emotional vulnerability, even with the people i’m closest to. without telling a bunch of strangers on the internet too much of my business, here are the sparknotes:
my home life growing up (and to this day lowkey) never felt stable
it never felt like i could feel my emotions without them “consuming” me, this was mainly an issue in my youth, i was around 12-years-old when i started going to therapy and taking antidepressants  
my mom battled a chronic disease her entire life and passed away when i was a teenager 
i’ve always craved to have deep, spiritual connections with people, and ever since i was a kid i’ve been extremely intuitive and had the ability to read a room and everyone in it without anyone having to speak, but i typically attract people who are either emotionally unavailable, or emotionally unstable in some way, probably because i come off as “closed off” on the surface. 
in terms of my relationship with my mom, i love her but i could never be vulnerable with her about a damn thing, like i never really felt “heard” by her. she was a taurus sun, scorpio moon, with an aries stellium, as soon as she had her mind made up about something it didn’t really matter how i felt (pluto also falls in my 10H, and i definitely viewed her as an “authority figure” more than a mother at times). y’all remember this scene from lady bird where her mom tells her she wants her to “be the best version of herself she can be” and she asks “what if this is the best version?” - it was very much so that.
and i don’t want to give the impression that my mom didn’t love me because she definitely did. i think it was just a matter of what a lot of us eventually come to understand about our parents; that they’re products of the environments and the people they were raised by. and in my mom’s case, she did her best with the cards she was dealt and showed up the best way she could. it doesn’t make my feelings any less important, but it helps to maintain the balance between recognizing her humanity, and also validating my own frustration and trauma regarding our relationship. 
venus conjunct ascendant in aquarius (2°40’)
i didn't wanna end this post on a depressing ass note so i'm adding this last aspect lmfao. honestly i struggle with some of the venusian energy in my chart because i honestly never really felt "pretty" growing up. it might be neptune in my 1H that effects my self image, because it wasn't until my 20s that i actually started to genuinely recognize my beauty. i feel like growing up i only viewed my beauty through the lens of the "male gaze" (it didn't help that i felt objectified from the boys around me), or through the lens of euro-centric/white beauty standards, and in adulthood i'm finally approaching the way that i view myself from my perspective.
i do notice that i attract people very easily, both in a friendly and romantic way. i know this aspect has to do a lot with love and romance, but honestly, i'm not too concerned about being in a relationship at this point in my life (with the way the economy is set up i think we all got bigger fish to fry rn but that's neither here nor there-), but like i mentioned i've always been an artist at heart and the art that i create plays a really big role in my identity. i've always found it easier to express myself through my paintings or my writing rather than my words.
aesthetics and comfortability are pretty big for me too, more so now in my 20s. this aspect has a lot to do with sociability and being inclined to uplift and help others, and i can relate to the latter but when it comes to other aspects in my chart i do struggle with being "outgoing" and coming across friendly, but we'll get to that in part two.
as always, if y'all have any of the aspects/placements mentioned in this post let me know how they manifest in your life and personality, and if you have any insight or questions in general feel free to reach out!
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madzandmore · 2 months
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Tom x fem reader angst smut to fluff wherw tom just ignores the reader pushing her efforts trying to keep their relationship growing then the reader decided to take a break from them and he decline and like got into the fight but then the sensation lust came and tom suddenly felt his bulge growing just seeing his gf angry (cause she's always nice) and looks hot in it? and they have seggs but tom is really gentle and shit and always call her baby? if u get it 😭
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TOM - SMUT
LOVE THIS REQUEST.
Tom Kaulitz - Anger Makes You Hot
“Tom I’ve told you for the millionth time, I didn’t flirt with him.”
Me and Tom went to a bar and we’re having a great time. Until some dude came up to me and started to talk with me. I denied him multiple times but he kept on talking to me. Tom saw and now he’s accusing me of flirting with him.
“But I saw you talking to him.” He protested trying to make up any excuses.
“Just because I was talking with him, doesn’t mean I was flirting. I was telling him to fuck off!” My voice raising as he made me frustrated and annoyed. I swear at any point I was going to punch him.
TOMS POV-
“Just because I was talking with him, doesn’t mean I was flirting. I was telling him to fuck off!” Holy shit. She looked so hot yelling at me. My eyes wandered her perfectly shaped body. While trying to be mad at her.
I don’t even know why I got mad at her, because now all I could focus on is her beauty. The tent in my baggy pants only getting taller and more painful.
“But you didn’t walk off or ignore him.” She rolled her eyes and her arms crossed over one another, making her boobs more present.
“Whatever Tom, when you decide to be a person with common sense we can continue this, because I fucking can’t with you right now.” Her voice was boarder line yelling and I couldn’t contain myself. I had to have her some way or another.
“Come back.” My voice now changing from being sassy to being soft and sweet.
“Let go of me.” She stared right into my eyes, my boner absolutely killing me right now.
“You’re not going anywhere looking like that.” I eyed her up and down with a smile smirk on my face.
“Go off looking like what?” Her eyes quintet.
“Looking so goddamn hot.”
“Fuck off Tom this is not the time.” She tried to pull her arm away from my grasp but I was too strong.
“You look so hot when you’re mad.” Lust laced in my voice. She just stood there, not knowing what to do.
“Come with me baby.” I guided her up the stairs and to our bedroom, closing the door behind us. I placed her on the bed, she still quiet and confused. “I’m going to make you forget about it all.”
With that I kissed her slowly. Biting softly on her lower lip. Her mouth opening with a gentle breath, letting my tongue enter and join hers.
She let my tongue explore her mouth, carefully. My hands going to her waist to hold them and let my thumb draw small shapes on it.
Her soft and sweet hands rested around my neck, bringing me closer to eliminate the gap between us. My knee sneaking in to rub between her legs.
“Please Tom.” She whined pulling away from my now red and slightly swollen lips.
“Don’t worry baby, I’ll take care of you.” My hands slid up to her cheek caressing it with love and affection, making her fell safe in my embrace. She cracked a little smile.
I pressed a small firm kiss to her lips then made my way down to her heat. Massaging the skin on her thighs and placing kisses wherever I went.
I looked at her for consent and she nodded, letting me know to continue. So I pulled down her pants and panties down and saw her glistening pussy. More ready than ever for me.
I licked my thumb and placed it in her clit, moving it in circle to stimulate her. She whined and her hips bucked up when I touched her.
As I continued to rub circles on her clit I brought my mouth close to her heat and licked a fat stripe up her folds. Tasting her ecstasy.
Her breathing was getting heavier and she brought her hand down to play with my braids. Tugging on them when I licked in the certain place, making her moan in pleasure.
“Tom I’m c-close. Don’t stop.” Her eyebrows furrowed as she grew closer to the edge.
“I know baby, I know, let it out for me.” I reassured her to let go and to release any pressure that was built up.
Once I shot my tongue into her hole she came on it. Releasing her sweet juices in my mouth. Her hips shuddering with pleasure as she let out a high pitched moan.
My rubbing on her clit came to a slow stop, riding out her high for as long as I could. I swallowed all of her sweetness and went up to messily kiss her.
She whimpered into my mouth and held the back of neck. I pulled away. “Can you do another one for me baby?” I asked her and waited for her answer.
“Yes.” Her reply was quiet but genuine.
“Thank you my sweet girl.”
I sat up on my knees, taking off my shirt and unbutton my jeans. She did the same and took off her shirt along with her bra. Being left completely naked. I fully took off my jeans and boxers also being naked.
I came down to kiss her again, flipping her so she was on her stomach. I grabbed her ass and kneaded it with my hands. She let out a small breath at me working on her ass.
“Get up baby.” She got up on her hands and knees, backing up so her ass was rubbing against my raging boner. I grabbed her hips and positioned her toward my tip.
I brought her hips toward me while slowly making her surround my dick. She was tight and warm, my head fell back at the feeling.
“Fuck Tom.” She moaned out my name and arched her back.
“You feel so good baby.” I praised her as I let my hips go back and forth into her. Her tight walls clenching around my dick as I thrusted in and out.
Even though she wasn’t mad at me anymore, she still looked so damn hot with her back arching and her hair falling in front of her face.
One of my hands stayed in the middle of her back rubbing it up and down to comfort her, while the other was holding her hips as I thrusted into her.
Her soft skin was warm and full of energy that only I could unlock.
“I love you so much baby, I never want to lose you.” My voice a little hoarse as the pleasure got to me. My stomach tensing when I felt my tip hitting her spongey spot.
“I love you- shit, too t-Tom.” She couldn’t even form full sentence without moaning in between. I could tell by me being gentle and soft with her she was going to break at any second.
“You’re doing so good for me baby, are you close?” I was soft with her, making sure that she didn’t get any more mad at me. I wanted her to love me and to forgot whatever we were arguing about.
“Oh Tom, oh my god.” Her head fell forward as she gripped the sheets tightly in her small hands. Tensing as she was nearing her high.
“Let it all go baby, Cmon.” I started to thrust a little faster to get her to release.
“I’m gonna- gonna cum.” She collapsed as she shook and came on me. Quickly I pulled out and jerked off on her back.
“Fuckkk, baby you did so good for me.” I whimpered as I came all over her back. Painting it a clear-ish white.
I came down to lay next to her and pull her into my embrace. Letting her head rest on my heaving chest. My arms wrapped around her small and hot frame.
“Are you alright baby? You were so sweet for me.” I let my hand brush her slightly messy hair.
“I’m okay, that was amazing Tom, thank you.” She lifted her head to look at me, then I brought my head down to kiss her in the forehead.
“I didn’t mean to get mad at you, I’m so sorry honey.” My words were sincere as I didn’t what her to be annoyed with me.
“Don’t be sorry it’s okay Tom, I forgive you.” She rested her head back in my chest, bringing her hand up to trace small shapes in my stomach.
“I love you baby, you mean to whole world to me.”
CUTEEEE. loved this request.
BYE BBYS<3
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whoetoshaw · 10 months
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SAVING GRACE | h. lewis
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summary: y/n goes on the saving grace podcast and talks sidemen hate, breaking up with her boyfriend, plans for the future and megan fox liking an instagram post! [14.4k words.]
pairing: reader x bog (W2S.)
notes: longly anticipated: the first podcast fic! little reminder that any questions missed may be in the next one w/ bog himself and more! i’ve got a lot lined up 🥴 plssss let me know what you thought, ik so many of you have been waiting for this and i honestly could have gone on forever!!! 🙂❤️ would like to thank you as well for the 1.4k following me, ily!!! lots of love! don’t forget to rebolog! <333
“‘ELLO EVERYONE, WELCOME BACK to another episode of Saving Grace, today — we’ve got Miss Wroetoshaw in the house.”
You waved from your chair, to the camera pointed at your face. “Happy to be here.”
“As am I, as am I! Quite the special guest today.”
“Well,” you tilted your head, “debatable.”
“No, I mean it. ‘Cause you don’t really give much away of yourself online — you don’t even have a YouTube channel, so! This is like a revolution! An exclusive! Getting you to spill today!”
“Yeah, fair.”
“So! Introduce yourself, tell the people who you are!”
You smiled, getting comfy in the chair as Grace copied on the one opposite to you. “Ok, so, hello everyone. I’m Y/n Y/l/n, probably better known as Y/n Wroetoshaw,” you looked to your host to see if that was better said, “yeah. I say this in no way other than straight facts: I am known as being Wroetoshaw’s girlfriend. Literally. I’ve — i’ve been brought up known as Harry’s girlfriend, there is . .”
“—there is no other way to say it.”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah! Does that bother you?”
“Not at all, it’s the straight fact like . . I am . .”
“—Mrs Wroetoshaw!”
“—Mrs Wroetoshaw,” you nodded, laughing. “Yeah, I’m not one of those people who are mad they are known for being their partner because . . they’re like, trying to make a name of themselves . . ?”
“Like Miss Talia Mar.”
“Like Talia! And even Freya like — and as they should, they do their own stuff! I don’t really. I happily — I accept the fact I will probably always be known as Wroetoshaw’s girl before ‘Y/n’. I literally introduce myself to new people as ‘Y/n Wroetoshaw’ rather than my normal name.”
“Really?!”
“Honestly.” You took no offense to it at all.
“Wroetoshaw. Such a weird name.”
“I know. It’s funny, when people are like ‘where’s big W2S?’ or ‘where’s Wroetoshaw’ and I -honestly Grace- the amount of people who talk to me and say where he is and I look at them for a minute like—” you pulled a confused face, “wroetoshaw? Who’s wroetoshaw? What’s that mean?”
Grace laughed loudly at that, holding her drink in her hand as you laughed too. “What, you just forget?”
“I have just never referred to Harry as Wroetoshaw. He’s Harry Lewis to me so I’d say that . . or Harry from Sidemen, like Wroetoshaw doesn’t occur - he hates when I call him Harry Wroetoshaw! I do it when I want to piss him off,” you laughed as she was surprised to hear that. “Yeah, I completely disassociate the name with him for a second.”
“That’s so funny. It’s weird how that has become the household name.”
“Yeah. People refer to is as if it is the last name which . . I mean whatever.”
“No such thing as Y/n Lewis – it’ll be Y/n Wroetoshaw.”
“No literally. It just rolls off the tongue.”
“It does, it does,” she agreed, “anyway! You’re here today to basically . . speak about yourself for once! Share your personality and life goals . . although, probably still dish on your relationship as well.”
“Yeah. I mean it’s a big part of my life,” you held your hand up to the camera, “it’s what the people have came here for.” You both laughed.
“Yeah, why do you not speak much on your relationship? I mean at the same, as much as you're not a secret, you’re private . . you’re also not?” She squinted her eyes, “I feel like quite a bunch know so much about you and if anything . . are fans in a way? Which! Is odd! Because you literally don’t even upload to anywhere! It’s like you have a fanbase without—”
“—without giving much to the fans. What is there to be a fan of?” You laughed.
“Yeah!”
“Yeah! I don’t know really,” you shrugged. “I think . . recently, i’ve been about online more than ever and i’ve fully gave in to the fact that I do have a bit of on online presence,” you explained, “I mean I’ve unprivated my Instagram for the last time and I post on TikTok a bit but more than what I ever thought I would do. I was so set on like . . never being that online.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I think just . . having Harry shield me from the internet, I never got the urge to . . copy him? It was his thing. I mean he already did it so I . . just . . use his clout!”
“Yep! As you should!” Grace clapped, raising her glass. “Cheers to that!”
“Cheers!” You raised yours, “but yeah. It’s just always been something Harry never wanted to bring to light and . . he’s just always savoured that one bit of privacy he has left, I mean he fully exposes himself online: his house, his friends, his family — I don’t know. He’s just never camera to share me like that.”
“Why is that, do you think? Jealousy?”
“Hmmm,” you pondered. “Yeah. Probably. In the long run, yeah, it comes down to protectiveness. Or maybe he just doesn’t want people to see that side to him.”
“So how did this all come about? How did it start? When did he decide this?”
“So . . the first time I was ever in one of his videos, I was literally strolling past the room I think. I knew he was recording and I— I remember, I was in my pyjamas, like some . . top and shorts, holding a cup of tea. I remember wanting to get into his bed but he was recording obviously, so I just left him to it,” you recalled the day like it was yesterday. “His comments that next day,” you opened your mouth.
“Shocking?”
“All the comments were all ‘omg, is that your girlfriend?’ ‘was that your girlfriend in the back?’ ‘your girl’s a smasher mate’ ‘who is she?’ ‘that your bird?’ ‘that who you’re shaggin’?’ ‘she’s fit as fuck’ ‘bring your girlfriend back mate’ ‘get her in mate’, ” you rhymed them off, “I was like 17! I remember he came to me laughing that night in my house like ‘look what everyone’s saying about you’ and we laughed for ages,” you explained, “and then like . . it obviously didn’t mean I wanted to be in his videos, so again, the next time I walked in the back, literally to grab a sweatshirt or something, not trying to interrupt, and the comments went off again — so crude! I remember he was so annoyed!” You laughed, “he was giving off, annoyed at all these lads talking about me, he was so jealous! Screwing his face up like,” it was adorable looking back on it, thinking of his mini fit when he read the comments. A moment of insecurity. “He was furious, he was like ‘you’re never to be in these again, look at what they’re saying about you’.”
“Little 17/18-year-old Wroetoshaw!”
“Literally! I think as well ‘cause they weren’t even talking about his video anymore like what he was actually doing in it?”
Grace laughed. “Bless him. It is weird though, for him to be that age and not . . this is going to sound weird, but you know: use you like that to get more views and subscribers! Instead, he kept you in the dark?!”
“Yeah!”
“Could have exploited you! Got the views in!”
“Yeah! I know!”
“But he didn’t!”
“No! He,” you shrugged, “don’t know. Just didn’t want the people knowing.”
“So this was on his own account? Not even on Sidemen?”
“Before Sidemen, yeah.”
“So . . you were getting hate before Sidemen?”
“I got more hate when Sidemen started, when they blew up, yeah. Before that it was comments like . . ‘oh, Wroetoshaw doesn’t want to show his girlfriend ‘cause she’s ugly’ ‘cause I was definitely not appearing on that channel, and . . Harry didn’t give a fuck. Unbothered.”
“Really?!”
“Yeah. ‘Can’t hurt if it’s not true’ attitude.”
That’s what’d he’d told you.
“So you’ve been dealing with hate for quite some time now, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“What was that like? ‘Cause I feel like . . that must have been so odd and unusual for someone like you at that time. I mean seriously—”
“Yeah, it was really odd. I feel like hate is something that’s quite a new thing as the internet progresses so for it back then when you couldn’t do this anonymously and people didn’t think to make fake accounts . . they didn’t have the balls — now, it’s obvs more common so for it back then was . . it was so strange. Like . . who are these random people I don’t even know?”
“Did you cry?”
“Grace, I can wholeheartedly say, the first bunch of hate comments I got — I laughed at.” You held up an honest hand.
She cackled at that, almost choking on her drink as she took a sip. “Shut up!”
“I swear, I remember lying in bed with Harry and we were just scrolling through these comments of people who’d found my Instagram and they were just . . talking shit, really,” you laughed, “I would just click on their accounts and laugh,” you cackled.
“Just didn’t take it seriously.”
“It felt like a joke ‘cause I hadn’t done anything on them and I didn’t understand where it was coming from? And then one day I saw the comment and I can still see her profile picture to this day of the comment from this girl — unusual because it was only boys who watched him so I took this to be their girlfriends or whatever — saying ‘he’s better looking than her’. Or ‘I fancy her bf soooo much’ and I was just like ‘Ohhhhhh’ . . makes sense now.”
“Ahhhhhhhh.”
“Yeah,” you dragged. “So, i’ve kept that mindframe since the start really, which is why I don’t think hate affects me if at all now, ‘cause at the end of the day . . it’s people I don’t know, people I literally owe nothing to and know nothing about. Why should I care about a stranger’s opinion? I don’t know you. And it’s always jealousy.”
“Precisely.”
“No one is below me or above me at the end of the day.”
She snapped her fingers. “Love that.”
“That’s the life motto. Like yeah, he is fit. I fancy him too. I’m— I been shagging him, funny enough! Like what—”
She laughed louder at that, “and as you should,” she wiped her eye, “hm . . and then the Sidemen started to get popular?”
“Then Sidemen started to blow and I was,” you shook your head.
“—slaughtered.”
“In the dirt. I was everything in the book. I-it was honestly shocking.” You responded seriously. “It was so bad.”
“Really?!”
“Like . . people proper hated me. They put a picture up of me in an old, old video for some joke or whatever, and then I was known to everybody, they were able to find my socials and stuff and — I was every name ever. The original gold digger. I was using him for his fame, I didn’t fancy him, I was ugly, I fancied his mate, I was a bitch face, I was a try-hard, I didn’t support him, I was a slut, I was this, I was that — That’s - that was when I privated Instagram for the first ever ‘cause comments were just flooding to the point it was just irritating.”
“You were the original gold digger.”
“Yeah. Then it was Talia. Now it’s Faith.”
“Yeah.”
“. . I still am the gold digger,” you joked.
“HA! That’s brilliant.”
“Going private and like . . hating the camera since then ‘cause I knew these people were watching, I think that’s how I got pinned as like . . ‘Wroetoshaw’s bitchfaced girl’,” you laughed out loud. “In Freezy’s vids, Joe’s - I looked angry all the time and people commented on that.”
“Why do you think that is, even now, out of everyone, you still get it?”
“Me, Faith, Ethan and Harry were in the car like months ago—”
“—double date!”
“—yeah, boys had their romantic dinner, we had ours,” you waved off, “it was when Faith was starting to be the new target and Ethan was saying to Faith the way people didn’t like her ‘cause she is herself and doesn’t play on the whole like . . influencer vibe ‘cause she’s not an influencer? The way I was, like if I were a YouTuber—”
“—Zoella.”
“Yeah! They probably would have taken it better? Faith only is now- but at the time she was like ‘don’t care, that’s not me, not gonna play on it, not gonna fake it’ you know like, feed into their hands to win them over—”
“She said this on the pod, yeah! Like say what they want to hear — like no! Take it with a pinch of salt if you don’t like me!”
“Yeah! Exactly! So my experience was like that, but I feel like — I’m a confrontational person,” you side-eyed the camera, “I have no filter. I say shit how it is, I will give you the energy you are giving me, back. So!” You clapped your hands, “when people started being nasty to me, I was giving that energy back of not wanting to entertain them? And the camera? Like hating the sight of it ‘cause like I said: I could smell the comments from a mile away, and started to just . . play on their interpretation of me?”
“That’s hilarious. Just trolling them.”
“Isn’t it?! Like,” you laughed, “like yeah. You’re right, I am a bitch. What about it?”
“But that must have been so weird, considering the others’ . . girlfriends at the time , I don’t recall getting. .”
“Yeah! None of them got nowhere as near as bad as I got? And I don’t know why?” You pulled a face. “Josh was covering his face at this point and Freya was barely mentioned so it wasn’t like she could advise me ‘cause she wasn’t getting anything! The others weren’t even named, they were living in private, so I was so lost, I didn’t know what I was — what did I do! Clearly like . . too strong of a personality came through somehow or,” you shrugged.
“‘Cause you’re sexy.”
“Mm. Don’t think so.”
“I say so.”
You gave her a playful look.
Love her.
“I think so as well . . I can be a nasty person but I think the biggest misconception about me is that they think I’m like . . nasty for the fun of it? Just ‘cause I think it’s like . . ‘boss bitch’ of me— no? I speak my mind because biting my tongue is not going to sort the situation, I wouldn’t - I have never started on someone for the fun of it. ‘Cause I think I have some authority too. If someone is being a dick to me, I’m not gonna lay down on the ground for them to walk over me — I’ve been like this since school! I was the person who used to confront other peoples bullies,” you laughed pointing to yourself in your passionate rant.
“WERE YOU?!” Grace found that oddly cute but funny at the same time.
“Literally would see some 15-year-old kid getting in some 13-year-old’s face and would just bump into them like ‘who the F you shouting at?’ – I used to pretend eveyone was related to me, I’d be like ‘who do you think you are speaking to my little cousin like that? I’ll have you’ —never meant it! Obviously wasn’t going to drop some 13 year old,” you laughed, “but I used to get called to the principal’s office all the time for it. But it stopped them from being picked on, so.”
Grace was breathless, “I’M DEAD!” she held her stomach, “are you joking?! Just random little Year 7s?”
“Yeah! You know how they are, they’re all so small and intimidated as it is like, I’m not just going to walk by! I would like someone to do the same if it were my sister!”
“You’re a better person than me. I could never. You’re the person I wish I was but . . I couldn’t - I wouldn't have had the energy.”
“Some people just need a good scaring, you know. Sets them straight, and you know what? They never bothered them again.”
“Did you get given detentions or have parents wanting to speak to you?”
“The teachers would pull me and be like - ‘did you, an almost 18-year-old just threaten a Year 10?’ and I’d be like ‘yeah, ‘cause you’re school did fuck all about the bullying problem in it’ and they’d just — couldn’t argue with it, d’you know? Like did they want me to ignore it and proceed to let it happen without their knowledge if was going on, so.” You shrugged carelessly. “I ain’t give a fuck, I hated that place too.”
“Got haters since the beginning.”
“Literally. Haters and bullies — they’re all the same. I’ll sock them all,” you preformed a weak pinch to the camera. “It’s Baffling. Now it’s . . i’ve felt more love than I ever have this past year or so. I think they finally get me, they know what I’m like. Plus, we’re all older, mature. They can take a joke. And also — I’m just not going anywhere, so,” you raised a shoulder.
“YES!”
“Wooo!” You clinked your glasses.
“Your hate fuels her.”
“I’m not mean, everyone’s just soft.” You shrugged again.
“Love to hear it, love to hear it. So, tell us, from the beginning,” she set her glass down, “ . . what time did you pop out at?” You laughed at her joke, filling up your glass. “No, so how — what made you move to London? Who lured you here?”
You thought. “So, really — I did basically come here . . to be with Harry,” you threw her a look because you knew it sounded as insane as it was. “Basically, we weren’t together very long and my Mum was — even if my Mum told me no straight up, I probably would’ve went anyway — I mean I practically did, because what was she gonna do?” You laughed, although you did always feel bad thinking of your poor mother at that time. “I was such an unproblematic child, I did good in school, I always had a job, I had good friends, I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t have a thousand boyfriends — I was such a chill daughter. I mean it was Guernsey to be fair, not much goes on—”
“Yeah, can’t imagine big fuck-off nightclubs over there. Crime rates.”
“No!” You agreed. “But I was good and honestly gave her no bother — never bothered her for money, never had her lie for me — I was a good kid!” You expressed.
“Yep,” Grace nodded, “and then . .”
You laughed at that, “and then I met Harry!”
“Fabulous. You met Harry — it went tits up.”
“It didn’t even, like he was a good boy, it was just . . we weren’t together that long, like maybe just over 6 months if even when he told me he was planning to move to London,” you shared, speaking with your hand.
“And you didn’t want him to go? You didn’t want to break up?”
“I knew it was crazy. I knew if it was anyone else, I would have been the one laughing - like if someone from my year in school told me they were going to move to be with their boyfriend of 6 months, I would have pissed myself. But . . I know it’s cliché and everyone thinks the same but it was honestly different with Harry and I. Like, I knew our relationship was a lot more mature than others our age. I’ve always said it was different. It’s something that always surprises me because I’ve never grown that attached to someone so fast like that in all my life. I am such an independent person and I can be so careless of others — it’s why I don’t give a fuck about confronting people— but I remember laying in my room knowing I was fucked ‘cause I knew I — I would really miss him if he left.”
“You would have been gutted.”
“Yeah. And I always made fun of others my age having boyfriends and girlfriends ‘cause you just know fine rightly they’re not gonna last. Sorry to say but they just don’t. You have so much growing to do and it’s usually inevitable: a year or two max is applaudable. When I first started going with Harry, I thought to myself too ‘we’ll probably be broken up this time in a year’, like I was so realistic.”
“Really?!”
“Yes! I was honest with myself. Didn’t tell him that, obviously. So when he told me about him moving to London I was crushed. He kept telling me he was thinking about it but I knew he was basically telling me.”
“Yeah. Dropping the bomb not so discreetly.”
“Yeah. And if he said straight up like - ‘I’m moving to London. We’re just gonna have to call it quits ‘cause I can’t do long distance and it’s not fair on me or you’ whatever — I would have been like ‘fairs, you’re right. You’re basically 18, you’re finally legal, an adult, you want to go out with your freedom and go . . shag birds and get blackout drunk with your new roommates’.”
“Yeah! ‘Course!”
“Yeah, but he never said it like that, he always — he’d phrase it like he was genuinely torn about going if I couldn’t be there, like we’d be chillin’ in my room, having a good time, laughing and he’d just go ‘yeah I’m not going to London’ and I’d be like ‘no, now come on, London will be amazing’ because I didn’t want to . . hold him back on anything? But like . . I was thinking really hard ways I could get over there that my Mum would approve of because I didn’t want her seeing me anymore as the lovesick teen that I already was. Living in this bubble. Y’know?” You sipped your drink. “So, long story short, I told her I was going to Uni over there — she blew up. She knew I was straight up doing this so I could be with him. Didn’t want me to go, talked me through every possible scenario that would happen. Put her foot down, did not want me to go.”
“Rightly so!”
“Of course! Honestly, at the time I knew it was cruel to do it on her and I was being a prick, a stubborn, selfish prick but—”
“—I mean worked out in the end.”
“Hey ho, it absolutely did,” you winked, “but I look back and my sister is around the same age I was back then and I would absolutely slaughter her if she tried that. I would laugh in her face and tell her to go back to her room because she’s not hearing herself out loud,” you laughed. “But yeah. Enrolled in Uni — hated Uni, never wanted to go, always said throughout school I was never going ‘cause I just hated the idea of being in education with tasks on tasks and coursework and exams to do and — no. Didn’t want to do it. Knew it from I was young — BOOM. Met Harry — needed an excuse that made my point look valid, that made me look good and not like some little . .”
“—slag following her boyfriend.”
“LITERALLY! Who was I trying to fool?! Anyway. I enrolled, got accepted, we moved — been my home ever since.”
“And did you go to Uni?”
“Yeah, I went to Uni. I picked a course to be a teacher.”
“Did you?!”
“Yeah. But I’ll obviously never get a job,” you held up her hand to the camera, “they told me that a year before graduating, they did a faux background check and told me I’d obviously fail ‘cause I ‘had a online footprint’ of whatever even when I wasn’t on vids. But because of the Sidemen age range of viewers, it’s literally all kids, they would know me instantly. And know so much of my personal life because of Harry running his mouth back then.”
“Oh my God! Actually?!” Grace was in shock. “Is that true?!”
“I swear! They were just honest with me so I dropped out. And then I went on to get another job and work. I didn’t mind.” You shrugged.
“Really?!”
“Yeah. So I dropped out. It wasn’t that big of a deal, I didn’t need to move or anything.”
“And you’ve always worked normal jobs, isn’t that right? Calfreezy told me that.”
“Yeah, I’ve had so many jobs. Dispatching jobs over the phone are usually my go-to ‘cause it means I can work from home majority of the time and travel as long as I take the equipment with me. But I worked in nurseries, in shops, in hotels, in offices then at the airport—”
“Why?!”
“I dunno. I guess just so no-one could ever hold anything over me? So I never had to ask for money or whatever. Never liked asking my mum and dad for money so guess it just followed me into adult life.”
“What the hell? While dating a Sideman?”
“I mean it’s his money,” you looked to the camera and muttered “it’s our money. But it’s his money and like — we both know he earns more than I ever will so he would refuse to let me pay equal halfs of something, still to this day. He’d not have me pay for it at all but I’m adamant to give a good amount on my behalf. I’d never let him pay for anything fully on his own. I’m not actually a gold digger.”
“You’re not.” She awed.
“No. Unless it’s obviously a present or something but . . I mean yeah, I like to spoil back. I’d like to be able to say I, funnily enough, pay into our rent too.”
“Did you always live with Harry in London or did you get student accommodation?”
“No, I lived with him, Cal and Lux the whole time.”
“Oh?!”
“Yeah. Lied to them and said I would move out as soon as I made friends and found an accommodation and they were like ‘sweet!’”
“ . . and then you never moved?”
“And then I never moved.” You laughed evilly. “Which — if they had minded and really didn’t want me there and I knew they didn’t want me there - I would have found an accommodation. I would have let them live their little ‘lads! lads! lads!’ plans of running the house and not shadowing Harry but . . they liked me living there. I paid into Harry’s rent or through the getting weekly shop ‘cause they understood I made nowhere near as much as they did.”
“Aw really?!”
“Yeah, which was fucking expensive for 3 boys! And myself! But yeah. They — it was Freezy who said to me one day after I’d brought it up to see if they still wanted me gone, he turned around and was like ‘why would you move out? You’re saving more money living here and it’s just better? Don’t be so stupid, like we have a good system in here’, and it — melted my heart ‘cause I knew I was wanted. I wasn’t just seen as their mates girl who was slumming it and living off him.”
“That’s cute.”
“Yeah. I think it’s ‘cause I was keeping them in check, y’know, the reason the house stayed clean . . made dinners . . worked the washing machine.”
“Probs took the piss with you.”
“Well I thought that too but I made sure they didn’t,” you clicked your nails, “it was kind of like . . I scratched your back, you scratch mine? I’d be doing my washing and check their room like ‘do you need anything cleaned?’ and they’d pass their stuff, then when it came to asking to get the dishes cleaned it was - ‘well I did you laundry and I didn’t have to. I’m asking you to clean your plate you used’, y’know?”
“Boss babe.”
“They obliged most of the time.”
“And if they didn’t?”
“If I asked Callux to clean a mess and he left it for a day — like dishes or after filming a video — i’d shoot Harry a look and he’d be like ‘yeah lads, let’s actually clean up ‘round here’, and it’d be done. Never had to ask anymore than two times. Just a—” you raised your brows at Grace just how you raised them at your man.
She clapped. “Love that for you.”
“Thanks. I find it mad Cal is your manager by the way.”
She gave a heavy sigh, “yeah. The big boss.”
“Mm. Big.”
She burst at your mocking. “Mad you lived with him! For how long?”
“Longer than when Lux was there. I’m talking only a couple years ago we we went our separate ways.”
“Jesus. Why’s that?”
“Just a growing up thing I guess. I loved every moment of it, truly. I can’t even lie. I can’t even joke about it, I loved it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Honestly. If I got given the chance to do it all over again I would. It was the best. I can honestly say -yeah, times got tense and there were pretty arguments- but I would relive it it if I could. The memories in that flat, like . . I love him. Honestly.”
“Did he ever just . . want Harry to himself though? As you said, in a ‘boys only’ way? And Lux?”
“Thankfully, Lux moved out with his girlfriend at the time so he wasn’t here for long, he used to joke a lot about what I was doing there but,” you waved it off, “that’s Lux, biggest wind up. Cal might have but I was never told? I was included in everything. Unless my whole life has been a lie, I felt like Cal wanted me to be there. I included him in our dynamic and he included me in their dynamic? There was no third-wheeling, we were a trio for the longest time, we are our own trio.”
“Yeah! Like it wasn’t like you turned against each other!”
“Yeah! No special treatment or 2 against 1. If I was making dinner, I was making three dishes. Going out? Ironed both their clothes. Don’t get me wrong, Harry and I still had our moments but we’re not PDA people anyway - in the comfort of our own room, yeah, but I’m not gonna . . start necking onto him at the dinner table!”
She laughed at that ide. “So considerate of you.”
“Isn’t it?” You twirled your hair.
“No lack of privacy?”
You pondered. “I mean . . you had the struggles sometimes. I’ve heard Calfreezy’s headboard going, know what I mean?” You both giggled like teenagers, “as he has definitely - probably heard ours.”
“—I think everyone’s heard your headboard banging, love.” His voice sounded from the side of the set where he’d peaked his head in.
You immediately barged him, “HEY! Don’t come invading my interview now!”
“Do what I want! It’s my set!”
“Get out!” You pointed to the door, laughing at his appearance.
He flipped you from the door and left with a laugh, and you chuckled in your seat, taking a sip of your drink. “Sometimes. Like usual stuff, probably like having a sibling through. Them playing their music over yours or just coming in to bother you when you’re doing something. Tolerable though.”
“So, what’s it like dating a Sideman/Sidemen? I asked Faith and Talia when they came on here like . . how do you feel about certain videos? How do you feel about Sidemen Tinder?” Grace started the next subject.
Your shoulders slouched and your face deadpanned and she slapped her knee, knowing she was in for a great one. You were the best one to get asked.
“I . . ok. I get it. I get it gets the views up. I understand it’s the most popular type of vid,” you reasoned, “but . .”
“But!”
You grinned, biting your tongue a little. “I . . I mean I might get annoyed a little bit if he mentions it, I'm not necessarily jumping and clapping excitedly when he tells me they’re gonna be filming one. I have no issue on his side of things, he doesn’t mean them. He’s being funny, it’s for the camera, they don’t know he has a wife waiting at home.”
She laughed at that.
“But . . I mean even if they do — it all depends on the girl. You have some really nice ones and you have some . . not nice ones? I don’t know what it is about Harry but he seems to be the favourite of some kind — not to be biased because he’s mine,” you jokingly hair flipped, “but I feel like the girls are always aiming for him, or at least it feels that way. I don’t get that angry, it’s his reaction that makes it bearable, I love how awkward he gets when he gets complimented or they say they prefer him?! I’m proud almost!”
“No!”
“Yeah! Like there are some lovely girls. But . .” you closed your eyes, “the ones who . . make it personal - they’re the ones who ruin it.”
“What’d you mean by that?” She bit her nail.
“Like, if they make the comment of like,” you could feel you blood slowly rising at the thought, “‘you should leave that girlfriend of yours again’ or like—”
“NO!”
“Cunts.”
“NOOO!”
“Like do not be so fucking disrespectful you inconsiderate cow.”
“PLEASE!”
“Like I will send you a photo with my man in my ass — do not test me.”
Grace was gasping for air, and even you felt a little blush at saying something so vulgar. “Like,” you laughed a little, “there — it’s so rude! So un-girl coded!” You ranted. “There is no need to make it personal! It always feels personal when it gets to me!”
“It does, it does. They try to come for you, babe.”
“They do! They have a go! I’m like — it’s a game! It’s supposed to be fun! It’s not fucking real you fuckin’ . . bitch.”
“Weirdos. They think they actually have a shot.”
“YEAH!”
“Have you ever really gotten upset over one? Or a video in general?”
“I have got upset maybe once or twice, but only ‘cause it’s got personal and Harry maybe hasn’t said something the way I would have wanted to? Confrontational junkie,” you threw a peace sign at the camera. “Yeah. Definitely argued over it with him, I think all of us have with our lad. I mean that time I was like ‘Harry why’d you have to keep that bit in?’ ‘cause it was rude.”
“I would be swinging.”
“Trust me, I’ve wanted to. Oh my God — have you seen the American one tney did in the USA?” She shook her head no, “there were girls who flashed them?”
“I BEG YOUR FUCKIN’ PARDON?!”
“YEAH! They straight up flashed them all, like?” You had to laugh with Grace about it, “d’you see what I mean! Stuff like that I’m like ‘what the fuck, now c’mon’.”
“What did Harry do?!”
“He closed his eyes, actually. Flung around in an instant, literally as if it were on instinct.” You laughed, beaming. “He’s a good boy.”
“Good lad!” Grace praised with a clap.
“No I literally rewarded him like a dog. I remember watching it and stroking his hair like ‘good boy’. ‘Well done’.”
She laughed into the back of her hand. “Well done! Brownie points for you later!”
“How outta pocket though?”
“It is weird. Did the other boys close their eyes?”
“Yeah, I think so. I’d like to believe so!” You laughed, “It does get easier as the years go on. I feel like Harry gets awkwarder and awkwarder as it goes on. He doesn’t — he can’t . . he literally can’t make eye-contact with women. With anyone, almost, he’s gotten so strange.”
“You’re killing me,” she fanned herself.
“Seriously! He wasn’t like that when he was younger! I don’t get him!” You laughed.
“He did seem more unhinged, younger.”
“He still is, I’ll not lie.”
“He just hides it better?”
“Yeah.”
“What was your favourite era? Like, did you prefer when he was small and not known? Attic days? The Sidemen house? Did you like the hype around, what was it, disstrack era?” She swiftly moved on, finding it the perfect way to merge.
“Ooo.” You were impressed.
Grace nodded, “ooo, yeah! Did me research! Disstrack era!” She pretended to drop a mic.
“Did you listen to them?!”
“‘Course babe. I know my man was getting pussy every day.”
You cackled loudly at that, having to set down your drink on the table.
“I think my favourite time is . . I like time now. I like the settled vibe from everybody, I love the girls. I mean the boys are the exact same, they haven’t lost their ‘spark’. They’re still as childish and as reckless at times; still have their boyish ways but they’re just . . more mature and have their women at home now. It’s funnier now that they’re older, I feel?”
“They just have wives now.”
“Literally. Yeah, I like now. Disstrack era was peak almost - got slaughtered around that time when JJ brought me up in his diss, yeah, I got dug up. If no one knew about me by then, they knew now.” You smiled. “Yeah I liked that era. Harry was,” you shrugged, “yeah. Acing it. Fit little shit he was.”
Grace laughed at you. “Edit central!”
“The jawline that could cut your finger,” you traced along yours, thinking of his looks back then.
“That was his savage era.”
“It was. The Versace dressing gown unlocked something in him. Although, I literally remember after recording that absolute slander, he’d took us to come weekend away to do all couple-y stuff. Being a suck-up as usual,” you playfully rolled your eyes. “Have a good cuddle in the Versace gown.”
“Aw really?!” She awed.
“Yeah! Harry's such a softie at times.”
“Can he be clingy?” She wandered.
“Oh my days, of course! Isn’t everyone?” You swooned, “yeah, he can be clingy when he wants to be,” you shared that look of . . we all know how clingy they can be. How much they liked to be babied. “It would surprise you how relaxed and quiet he can be.”
She raised her brows.
“Like he does have his hyper ways but he can be so chill,” you moved your hands in a horizontal line as you spoke. “Very calm.”
“It’s funny ‘cause I know everyone is obviously not how they are on camera 24/7 but it’s something you wouldn’t think so much but - I can see it now that you say, a very relaxed sod.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“Adorable.”
You smiled. “. . what were we talking about? Oh yeah! I mean I’ve witnessed every era so . . have my SDMN shirt from 2014 or whenever. Every merch released ever.”
“DO YOU?!”
“Yeah!” You flexed, “do my makeup in ‘em. I’ll say Disstrack era just ‘cause it was a perfect balance of everything then. Popular, not too popular, making bank, loved up, legal and able to do things, being a youngster. Yeah. Being young and sexy.”
“Vibes all around. Running London at this point.”
“Felt like it.”
Grace snapped her finger like a boss. “You’ve lived the life.”
“I have.” You smiled proudly. “Although, old, old Sidemen was peak. When they were making videos in the house and in gardens and stuff, renting out pitches or whatever. I got to see Harry a lot more. But then,” you twisted your head while backtracking, “I see him enough as it is now?! That’s just me being . .”
“Clingy girlfriend?”
“Clingy girlfriend, yeah.” You shrugged. “I don’t mind when they travel so much anyway. I’m just as bad now.”
“Seen some places?”
“Perks of dating a Sideman.”
She laughed. “What’s been your favourite country to see? Any romantic getaways? Best holiday? Do you tag along regularly?”
“Not so much when I was younger with work and uni and stuff. Now — always. Especially now nobody cares if I’m in shot or not. The girls sometimes all come along and do their own thing when it’s during events or something, like if we’re in Dubai together. We get to spend the day together whilst they make a video while they’re over there. But yeah, I get in on the experience now on shoots. Out of everyone, I’m probably tagging along the most now, just ‘cause everyone has their own thing going on. But I mean Talia tagged along on the Japan trip, and I went on the snow trip so,” you shrugged, “yeah, if we can. If they say it’s cool for us to be there. Harry asks me to be there ‘cause it’s a holiday once all the footage is captured and we can just stay longer, know what I mean?”
“That sounds fucking mint, oh my God. How do I get Billy in there?”
You laughed at her. “I’ll bring you sometimes. But, yeah, I definitely seen some places. Very blessed that way, my life doesn’t feel real at times,” you threw your head blissfully against the head of the chair as you reflected on the millions of memories you’d created over the years with a very special boy. “We’ve been to Italy, we’ve been to France. The Bahamas. Ibiza. Mykonos. Thailand. Ireland. Liverpool. Manchester. Amsterdam. Benidorm. Portugal. L.A—” you rhymed off, “everywhere, it feels like. Sometimes only for a couple days, but we been there.”
“Jesus, you’ve seen the world. What’s been your favourite? Where’s your go-to?”
“I mean Ibiza is our fav,” you gave her a knowing look, “for multiple reasons. We love a group holiday as much as just ones on our own, always there with friends.”
Memories of the hotel and villas you’d stayed in. The festivals. The drunk singing to each other. The sloshed antics. The excitement. Pools in your gardens and the scorching hot sun. The outfits, the food, the endless cocktails when out for dinner. Getting to sit out under the night sky for hours on end, not needing anyone else’s company after they’d all gone to bed and you two could sit and chat shit on anything and everything; gossip on friends, share opinions, question theories. Walking the streets of the city, hand in hand, comparing tans, seeing people eye you both because omg, what a hot couple. It was your favourite.
“Have you been on holiday with Chip?”
“Yeah.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Don’t. I know,” you shared that same look with a nod of your head. “I’ve tried to drown him so many times in the ocean, let’s not.” You’d tried to drown a lot of his friends.
“So Ibiza?”
“We love Amsterdam too. It was one of our first city breaks. We got a lock for the bridge, Love Lock they call it? Where you write your names on it and lock it to the bridge? We try to find it every time we go. It’s probably about 10 years old now.”
“Oh my god, actually?! That’s so cute, Y/n,” she covered her mouth in awe.
“Yeah. Been there since we were like 18. I’ll see if I can find a photo of it. Gets rustier and rustier every time we see it.” You flicked through your phone.
“That's adorable. I need to do that with Billy.”
“You should! And if you break up then whatever . . think of the amount of couples' names still locked on it,” you shrugged. “Yeah, been to Amsterdam.”
“Do drugs?”
“Course. Saw the red light district–”
“—I woulda been covering his eyes the whole time.”
“He was covering mine too, it’s alright,” you waved, “stayed on a boat one time. Rode bikes. Went to museums. Heineken factory. Saw the iconic stuff. Smoked spliffs. Ate waffles. Yeah. I like that ‘cause it reminds me of the start of our relationship, so it’s very sweet. Went to Benidorm saw Sticky Vicky, went on the piss. Went to Dubai, rode bikes in the desert, the only kind of driving he does—”
Hearing your stories just made Grace think of how close you both were, in the way of finding a friendship in each other. You really didn’t need anybody else. You could be one of his boys and he could be one of your girls.
“I think Bahamas, or any Carribean place is our holiday place. The blue waters, the little huts you stay in: that’s our holiday destination ’cause we’re actually vacationing, you know? It’s relaxed. Harry is unwinding, he’s completely laid back. You know he’s completely relaxed when he doesn’t even bring his phone out. PDA in full swing, lives for the privacy. enjoying the moment. Like we’re abandoned on an island. It’s the only place we don’t really take the piss, think it’s the only place we don’t have a hangover.”
“That sounds fucking lush right now. Sipping on a coconut—”
“—Piña Colada. Bathed in oil, tan lines, swimming in clear water, stunning beaches - love it.”
“Goals. Reminds me of that I Got U music video, y’know the one—”
“LOVE THAT SONG! Such a good music video. That’s our holiday song.”
“IS IT?!”
“Yeah,” you grinned. “That’d be Harry’s idea of bliss. Living on an island like that. He doesn’t feel the need to go hard.”
“It’s the island vibe, innit?”
“Yeah. Removes every wrinkle and grey hair on my face,” you finished your drink and Grace laughed at you. “I like everywhere. Anywhere we go is a good time. We love travelling, we love a hot holiday, we love a snowy holiday,” you shrugged, “I mean we pitch a tent in a field and it’s a blast, know what I mean? We enjoy anywhere we go.”
“That’s goals right there, absolute goals,” she waved a finger, reading her list for her next topic. “IN SAYING THAT—”
“Oh fuck.”
“Pour yourself a drink, babe.”
You began pouring your vodka.
“I discovered . . there was a little tiff a couple years before lockdown between you both.”
You poured the vodka more than halfway.
“Can we. . dive into that? Nothing too personal, of course. Feel free to tell me to fuck off.”
“Ok,” you laughed, adding a seltzer.
“I’m mainly intrigued by your thought process behind that, because although it wasn’t the most publicised break up, it was more public than most regular break ups. I mean you were still a normal person, how was that? Was the hate bad?”
“Hate got bad around that time, yeah, but I didn’t acknowledge it. I was off social media, I had new secret accounts created to keep in touch with friends and such without notifications going off for all those guys.”
“You just ignored it?”
“Yeah. Easier than you think.”
“Really? What was it like? Would you say it was more of a chill breakup or slightly on the traumatic side? Because I imagine your life changed more than his did when you both left?”
You adjusted your mic. “I mean yeah, it did. I went back to Guernsey and lived with my mum and dad again. Hated life. Was a very angry person,” you explained, “was angry at a lot of things, at a lot of people. And was lost to say the least.”
“What went through your head? ‘Cause I understand it’s a personal thing and nobody else’s business, you probably didn’t want to share much but . . was there times when you wanted to like . .” she nudged you, “let out the toxic queen we all have inside us?”
You laughed, swirling your drink. “I mean I did have my moments of thinking ‘ . . ok but what’s the worst that could happen if i did this?’ but I knew I would never. He was a good boyfriend! It wasn’t toxic! It’s never been toxic! It was a sad reason to have had to break up, very frustrating but never toxic. I hated him because I loved him and cared so much about him, not because he’d done something on me and . . you know?”
“‘Course, course. It wasn’t a bad breakup, morals wise.”
“Yeah.”
“What went through your head with it all, do you regret it?”
“I don’t regret it because . . I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason,” you deadpanned. “My Nan always said stuff to me like ‘no rain, no flowers’ , ‘you need the dark to see light’. All that stuff. Basically everything happens for a reason. There is a timing for all - at least in my mind. So, I like to think if it didn’t happen – we might not be where we are today?” which was the scariest thought ever. “Whatever happened, has happened and it’s led us to now which I wouldn’t change for the world. I would do it over again if I had to if it meant I’d be with him like now: happy and healthy and still as obsessed with each other. At the time though—” you paused, thinking about it. “It’s tricky. I was very conflicted at the time, it felt like my brain was in many places at once, and didn’t know what decisions to make? I don’t know how to explain how I felt, I just wasn’t myself. I was so . . angry all the time. You could not talk to me or I would just go off.” You had to laugh. You were driving the whole family insane “I think patience is everything. Let’s things take they course. See how they play out. That was probably the most patient I’ve ever been and Harry has ever been.”
“No contact?”
“No contact. If he had tried to contact me or tried something, as much as I’d thought about it -if he had said about hooking up even just once as a toxic-ex fling moment- I probably would have never gotten back with him.”
“REALLY?!”
“Yeah.” You grinned. “I don’t know, that would have finished if for me I feel. So it really was a moment of testing like . . does he blow it for one last time together and end all possibility . . or does he wait it out for like . . the 5% chance of us getting back to together?”
“Did you ever think you’d not get back together?”
“Until he got with somebody else, I realised like . . he really isn’t mine to take . . whenever I want.”
Grace scoffed. “That’s a lie. He would drop anyone for y— we all know he would probably cheat o—”
You spat your drink out into your glass again, trying not to laugh at her savage take. “GRACE!”
“What?!”
You shook your head. “I— actually, now that you say that— don’t make me laugh. Stop. Cut that out, I wasn’t laughing then. I don’t want to seem spiteful when I say this.” You pointed to the camera.
“OOOO! Evil bitch! Let’s hear it!” She smacked her armrest.
“No, it’s just - you can cut this ‘cause it is mean, even though I didn’t say it but I’m bragging,” you looked at her, feeling giddy at the thought. “Harry obviously - he’s very nasty when he’s drunk - never to me, but he gets in this mind frame where he becomes very . . hatful.”
“Okay.” She nodded, amused at that information. Almost laughing.
“And one time, a few weeks after we got back together, we were out with friends, just chillin’ in the club and I dragged him away ‘cause I knew he was gonna start,” you explained, “and he went off on this rant about his exes when we were apart, saying stuff like ‘I never spent money on them the way I did on you’ and ‘I used to order your dishes when we went out to eat’. ‘I bought them all your favourite things and used to make them your style of tea on accident ‘cause I couldn’t be arsed’.” You giggled into your hand, thinking of how heartbreaking that would have been to heat on the other end, but you weren’t, so it was funny.
It was flattering and really fucking hot.
“He was like ‘I hated spending my money on them and lending them my clothes, I used to ask for them right back’.” You mimicked his malicious words before adding your favourite. “‘I never used to leave their pyjamas out for them coming home on a night out or helped them take their makeup and shoes off ‘cause they could do it themselves. I didn’t love them the way I loved you!’.”
“I never used to leave their pyjamas out for them coming home— I’M DEAD!” The blonde sat with her hand on her chest, her mouth agape as she could have listened to you go on forever. “STOP!”
“Is that not like . . the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard?”
“YES?! Oh my God!” She looked to the camera, “that would - I would be sobbing hysterically if I was one of those girls right now hearing this,” she burst out laughing. “Oh my God!”
“Yeah, maybe leave it out. He’s the malicious one, not me.” You winked.
“You are.”
“Not as badly.”
She laughed louder. “Oh my God, that is so romantic. If Billy doesn’t say that to me one day, I’m going to be fucking fumin’,” she looked at you again.
“I mean, I don’t think you’d want him talking about exes, period!”
“That is true, that is true. I couldn’t deal with ex— I couldn’t even discuss a breakup I don’t think. I wouldn’t know what way I would react to talking about it, it would depend on how it ended, innit?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Does it bother you talking about it?”
“Hmmm. Not really. It’s just confusing; frustrating trying to put a description to an emotion. I feel weird ‘cause I’m like . . how did we do that to each other? I mean I’m glad in a way we split, but I also wish it never had to come to that? I wanted to be with him but I didn’t. I wanted to go running back to him but I forced myself not to. I would cry over him and others — he would make me so, fucking, angry. Like I wanted to fight him.” Grace laughed as you punched your other hand. “It’s . . it’s almost traumatic. Things just switched up and I didn’t know the reasoning behind it — ‘cause he knew how I felt about something and I knew how he felt and we just weren’t being what the other wanted?” you gave an awkward face because you felt bad saying that, “I take it as an immaturity thing and growing up a little slower than the other, or too quickly in the other’s case.”
“That makes perfect sense.”
“It does! And it’s like . . we want the other to have their fun obviously, we’re always on the same page on a lot but that was always our major difference and it was always gonna be grey, grey area. I know some people have really bad experiences in relationships and break ups but mine does — it just messed with my mind because I genuinely didn’t know what to do. I got so overwhelmed all the time and frustrated ‘cause I didn’t know how to deal with it? I’ve never had these extreme emotions before?”
“So what you’re telling me is you were hysterical over a boy you broke up with but were angry at others for not telling you to get back with him.”
You laughed. “I sound as if someone took my child off me, it’s awful!” You half-facepalmed. “A big thing of like . . I don’t want him but I don’t want anyone else to have him?”
“Oh my days, me.” She quickly joked. “I think that’s young love for you. That’s what they mean when they say it’s really mentally damaging when you get with someone at a young age!”
“I get that completely. I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally dependent on him though, dependant on him for anything,” you shook your head, “my Mum said this when we started dating, and I get it. I used to say the same about people in my class in school: they date these people at a young age and when they break up, they have no personality at 18. 19. They don’t know who they are. I’m not like that, it wasn’t like that, I like to think I have – we both have quite the personality outside each other. I think Harry just brought me out of a mind frame I was stuck in beforehand that I was scared I would go back to that before? Like this inner turmoil I dealt with on my own. Truthfully, and it may be the vodka talking now, but I think I didn’t realise how lonely I was before Harry?” you raised your glass. “Very self-defensive. Very misjudged? My mind — I felt like I was in somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be, and it’s odd because I’m so close to my family and I grew up in a loving, happy home I wouldn’t change for the world . . but,” you shrugged, “I got in my head a lot. Sometimes I still do. Inwardly anxious and I never told my Mum or anyone how I was feeling - which she will hate me to admit, but that’s how I am. I don’t get upset, I get angry. I get stressed. When we broke up, it was probably the most my Mum saw me like . . heartbroken about something. Didn’t see me as a selfish, cold-hearted cow,” you chuckled. “This podcast turned very deep Grace, I do apologise!” You looked at the camera, laughing with your glass in your hand.
“I’m here for it babe, an all exclusive! Keep going if you want!” She raised her glass, reaching for your hand to squeeze comfortingly, “I feel like a therapist!”
You laughed so loud at that. “I’m fine. I promise it’s all good. I’m very happy. Well fell in love all over again.” You drunkly cheesed for the camera.
“She just feels sad for her younger self.”
“Yeah! Exactly! I wish she had someone like me now,” you cheers-ed to the camera, “tell someone how you’re feeling. Open up. Slide into my DMs if you want. Life it better with friends. I just had none of my own.”
Grace’s drink trickled out of her mouth at the sad joke. “For fuck’s sake. Why don’t - why didn’t you speak to your Mum? Or sister about it?”
“Oh I was hell for my Mum. For my whole house. D’you know that bit in Euphoria where - is it Cassie? Who like — screams at her Mum, she’s like ‘you don’t have to, I can fucking feel it!’” you perfectly mimicked the scene, “that was me. And then the Mum goes ‘oh she needs a fucking exorcism.’” Yeah that was her.
Grace laughed so loudly, because although she didn’t even know your Mum, from what she’d heard, she could so see that occurring in your poor household. “Why?!”
“‘Cause she would ask dumb questions! Or she’d like, not speak his name and I’d be like, ‘you can just say Harry, y’know’” you mocked your bitchy tone, “and then she’d say his name casually in conversation and i’d be like ‘STOP SAYING HIS FUCKING NAME!!!’ and it was just a disaster. It was awful, I knew I was really horrible, like my family understood I was going through something - did they make it out that I made out it was a bigger deal than it was? Yeah. Was it a bigger deal than it was? Yeah?” You guessed.
“I mean i’m sure it had its own circumstances that made it feel a little different from your regular break-up. I know they're all hard but everyone has their own thing.”
“Yeah!” You looked at her wholesomely, “things no-one might not even know about or understand.”
“Your poor Mum. I’m sure your sister thought you were a psycho.”
“No honestly, I didn’t like myself. The thing was that . . I felt like everyone was looking at me like I was a psycho over a silly little break-up and I wanted them to know that it’s not - it was that a bit but like . . it wasn’t, it was mo— it was kind-”
“—Jesus Christ, you’re explaining to me now and my head is — I couldn’t have lived in that house with you.”
Now you were laughing at Grace. Yeah. You just didn’t make sense.
“It’s my emotions, I don’t — I do get sad but there is a very, very thin between my sadness and anger and I think they just fused together and — it was just not good for anybody,” you shamefully laughed.
“But I mean you got over it eventually. What happened there? What was your turning point?”
“I wouldn’t say there was a specific point, there was a lot of things that led up to it but I remember a conversation with my Mum, probably the first heart-to-heart with the woman. I’m not one for being like that with my Mum, as much as she would like. My sister is, she would go to her for any problem, big or small, but i’m more of a . . I’ll get over it, it’ll pass, I can sort it myself, you know? But um . . . I was struggling with this and I didn’t know . . I just was waiting for it to get sorted, for it to pass?” you tucked your hair behind your ear as you recalled the day. “I was getting ready for a family event and I really didn’t want to go. We were broken up for ages but I just remember really not wanting to go and my Mum was forcing me to get ready and do it but I was depressed sitting at my vanity. Really dreading it—”
“Why?”
“‘Cause all my family were there -and I love my family, I’m a big family person- but it was . . it would be - I just knew everyone would be asking about it and what happened and how we were getting on which is fine, they’d probably make jokes and stuff but I — I just knew I wouldn’t be able to cope. I’d take it bad. I wouldn’t be able to fake my mood for so long. I’d - I just knew I was gonna be all emotional. My aunties and cousins - they’d be like ‘yeah! Don’t need him anyway!’ ‘fuck him! You’re a gorgeous girl! I’ll get you one of my mates’, ‘come on go out on the piss! Get your tits out!’ and I love them for that,” you grinned at Grace’s jealousy at the sound of your family, “but I just . . I felt like a weirdo, like the black sheep. But my Mum was like ‘get your fuckin’ makeup on and let’s go’ and I got on with it. But then she came in, I was ready, sitting at my table, makeup and hair done, waiting for her to get me. And I think she just saw me and . . I don’t know. Something about the little bored look on my face pulled ar her heartstrings,” you laughed.
“Showed you mercy.”
“Yeah. But basically she just started - she knew Harry had something to do with it - it always came down to Harry.” You scoffed.
“Probably knew it was the first time you didn’t have him there or to talk about at a family event.”
“Yeah. Exactly,” you sipped your drink, “but we ended up not going, I sobbed to her in my room, the both of us laying on my bed, she was just comforting me, being like - ‘this is the most grown up thing you’ll probably ever do,’ like ‘you’ve done it yourself, you’ve made these decisions ’cause you know they’re right for you, for the both of you. This is your coming of age moment,’ and I was like ‘I know, I know but I just miss him’ and she was like ‘Y/n, that’s fine! You’re allowed to miss him. He was in your life every day’ and it got to a point where she was like - ‘you’re worried about him. That’s your issue, you’re scared somethings gonna happen to him while you’re apart and you need to get out of that mind frame,’ and I was like ‘yes, Mum. Exactly’.”
“Y/n . . that’s so sad,” Grace have you a concerned look, “that’s so dramatic!”
“Thought he was gonna die without me,” you placed a hand on your heart as you pulled a joke. “No but that’s what my anxiety was all about! I didn’t know what all these people were up to now: his friends, his family, the girls — and I just thought what would happen if I wasn’t there?!” You shared your thought process, “I was just convinced something was going to happen and I would just . . blame myself. Literally sound like a mother letting their child go to their first sleepover or something,” you laughed as she did. “It’s weird! I know! I know,” you threw four hands up. “But anyway! She grabbed me and was like ‘whatever happens has nothing to do with you. You have nothing to do with him. Stop worrying about him, he’s fine. He’s perfectly fine, Y/n. Nothings gonna happen to him.’ Started making fun of it going: ‘he’s living in London with his best mates, look at his job for a living, look at his income, the places he can see, how young he is - he has no rules, he — he literally lives the life, he’s doing fine without you! You need to stop worrying about him!!!’ and I was like ‘she’s so right.’ And then I apologised for everything, the way I was behaving - cried some more ‘cause I felt bad, but that was a big moment for me. Like I did choose this for myself because it was in the best interest for us both. And it clearly worked out because look at us now.”
“Was your Mum angry you got back together?”
You shook your head. “She . . I think she knew how much things had changed when we got back - how we both changed a lot before getting back together so it didn’t look so . . stupid?” you tilted your head. “Like we actually grown up. She had a positive feeling about it? She said to me not that long ago — we have our regular heart-to-hearts now,” you flexed to the camera, “she was saying that she was talking to her friend who was asking about us and said something like — I look at you both now and think ‘oh goodness, no, you couldn’t take him away from her now, or take her away from him!’ I think she sees now . . how it’s always been? It’s so different now, getting back together made us both realise how . . fucked it was for us to be a part,” you have a coy laugh, “like that’s not supposed to happen, it’s not supposed to be that way. And yeah. Even more now, we’re both so stuck to another. I’ve never — I’ll never have a relationship like this again.” You stated.
Your host gave you a particular smile, your words having some kind of impact on her that had a funny feeling in her chest. It was painfully sickening in the most loving way. “You’re, like, soul-tied.”
“I think we are, you know.”
“You were just having your coming-of-age moment.”
“I was!” You laughed, “I was lying on my bed after, starring at the ceiling, tears dried like, ‘this is my coming-of-age moment. This is my main character moment,’” you laughed with her.
“I’m dead. She thought she was that bitch. I’d think so too,” she snapped her fingers, “it’s part of the plot.”
“It’s for the plot!”
“So you - so you missed him but you didn’t want to keep up with him, did you?”
“Sort of. Well . . no, ‘cause I knew to get over it, I had to block him out.”
“To block him period.”
“Exactly,” you held your hand out, “it felt like I knew what he was up to, even though I was never asking? I wasn’t checking in on him or keeping a tab or anything . . like . . if he was alive, I was happy” you both burst out laughing ‘cause of how coarse that sounded.
“Bless. You must have loved him ‘cause you didn’t wished death on him.”
“Exactly,” you raised your glass, laughing some more. “No I wasn’t stalking socials or texting friends to ask ‘cause I genuinely didn’t care - I didn’t want to care but I think word just got out and I’d find out things, y’know?”
“Yeah. Like in the club, people mention something but you genuinely just don’t give a shit.”
“Yeah. It was that thing of like . . I hope you get everything you ever wanted and I hope I never hear a thing about it — that was the mindset I had. I still wanted him to do well.” You looked at her understandably. “Didn’t necessarily wish him the best but whatever kept food on his table,” you cackled more.
“Jesus Christ, couldn’t have been me. I’d be praying for their downfall.”
“GRACE!” You laughed. “I was glad to know he was ok . . still working away, had his friends by his side but I didn’t need details about what he was getting up to. Like if he appeared in . . ChrisMD’s insta post of them on a night out or in Ibiza or some shit — I didn’t care, I was jealous, I wasn’t upset, I didn’t wish him a shit night, I just swiped past. That was me ‘keeping up’,” you air-quoted. “And if I ran into friends, I didn’t ask about him. I was asking about everyone, you know?”
“Were any of the boys bitchy to you? You know how girls are with their mates ex?” She laughed.
“No! Honestly never. No,” you shook your head, leaving it at that.
“Did you ever run into family members?”
“Yeah! Both siblings,” you nodded, “running into them though, again, I was only ever focused on them, and it was such a relief because I genuinely - they are my world. I wanted to know exactly how they were doing and what they were up to. I didn’t want to hear about their brother and I think they knew that. I wanted to hear about Josh and his job or Rosie in Uni like - and they always talked away. I was more in contact with Rosie online because I followed her on my secret account. Cutting Josh slack, he was a teenager, you know - you don’t give a fuck about anything at that age, do you?”
“Absolutely. That’s adorable though! So they happily talked to you?”
“Yeah! Rosie would text me whenever about anything and everything if something came up; always reacted to my stories and asked where I was going and stuff. Then I ran into Josh at a festival once with his friends and — I was like a mother! I was like ‘are you ok! How are you getting home! Who are you staying with?! Do you need any money? Do you want a drink? Are you keeping cool?’. I remember thinking he’s so grown up now. Towering over me, looking more and more like his brother, he — he’s my favourite boy. So I remember staying with him for a bit and dancing, probably embarrassing him in front of his friends—”
“That’s fucking adorable.”
“Isn’t it?” You frowned, “just came up to me, tapped my shoulder hugged me and - ugh! Melts my heart that boy.”
“Bless him.”
“I mean sometimes. He’s still a cheeky shit at times,” you looked to the camera with your hand still on your heart. “But yeah. I missed them both a lot. That was another big factor in the heartbreak ‘cause I fucking love his family!” You groaned as she laughed.
“Alright. Moving on. Before you have me revealing my trauma and we all start crying again,” she adjusted in her seat. “I mean, you overcame it and figured it out on your own and became a boss babe again, which is all that matters at the end of the day.”
“Yeah!”
“Did you actually date anyone else after that? Any new boyfriends? Girlfriends?” She perked a brow.
You raised your brows at that. “Funny you say that—”
“Oh my God, stop it. Actually - shall we do a shot? I’m loving today!”
“YEAH! Always!”
She got up to sort you both. You waited innocently in your chair, sending Harry a text to let him know how you were getting on.
“Def in my top 5. Get Harry on for me next time.”
“I actually will!” You promised. “I will — honestly, I’ll do my best.”
“Bribe him with the drink.”
“Trust me I will.”
“Cheers sexy.”
“Cheers!” You emptied the tiny glass of clear liquid.
“ERGH!” Your host immediately began coughing while you closed an eye to make sure you hadn’t missed a bit.
“So! Boyfriends? Girlfriends? Have you ever had a girlfriend?”
“Well,” you crossed a leg over the other, “I might have met this girl one night in the club?”
“Oh?! Carry on.”
“She — I’ve never met anyone like that before, i’ve never been drawn to a person like that before? I was captivated by her the moment I met her, the minute we began talking. I just wanted to know more, more, more.” You leaned closer to dish.
“Down bad!”
“Literally had me in a trance, I was like a lost puppy. I’ll not say her name but she was the first person to really grab my attention since getting over Harry. Or partially. But I met her at the start of the night and we talked - was literally entranced, got on like a house on fire. I’ve never felt so . . I don’t know! So into a person so quickly! It was insane! She was insane. I blame her for making me put myself back out there.”
“A goddess?!”
“Literally. A weekend blurred into one, went out first night, met her, spent the night, next day, went out again to a different club — it felt like a fever dream. A quick-forming friendship.”
FLASHBACK
“Are you alright? You have this . . little lost look about you, love?” She grinned at your face, hand cupping your cheek. You’d been talking all night, falling in love with everything she had to say. She was just you.
At first intimidating, but she was soft in the way she explained things, caring nature in the way she kept asking if you were okay and preoccupied with a drink. A comforting hand always touching you.
Her eyes were captivating, scary to look at first but hypnotizing. Her makeup was stunning, strong cheekbones, bold brows, her lips naturally full. Her hair was dark with a dyed streak, the same as her current acrylic nails, and you were jealous of the multiple piercings she had. She made you feel inferior for once.
You were lost for words. What did you say? This was only one of the few things you were trying to get back out there when you didn’t necessarily want anyone.
“I’m fine,” you smiled, feeling like putty in her hand.
She was in awe of you. Her finger rubbed your cheek gently as she inched closer, the both of your tucked cozily in the corner of the dark room, the music loud and lights flickering. “Are you nervous?”
You shook your head. You just . . had butterflies.
She chuckled at you, lashes touching her cheekbones, “you’re so cute,” she whispered, sensing you’d followed her lead, fluttering your eyes closed and inching forward, locking lips for the second time tonight.
She was smart. She was mature. She knew what she wanted. She was caring and clearly loving from how she’d described her friends and family; she thought a lot of them. She was funny. Cheeky, better described. Naturally flirty. She gave you a run for your money.
“Have you ever been with a girl?” She’d asked you at the bar.
You shook your head — no, but you were ready more than ever to be so. You weren’t even nervous, you were eager.
You had her thinking about the future already. How you’d easily slot into her life. How you would suit living in her apartment. How her friends would adore you and family dote on. You were perfect. You were fucking stunning. A steal. Where had you been hiding? Who was that boyfriend who’d let you go? It was pathetic how mesmerised she was by you.
Sitting in that booth, getting tingles down your spine and butterflies in your stomach as she ran her hands all down you, you felt as if something had finally unlocked in you. Felt something you hadn’t felt in a long time.
Holding your waist as your moved your lips against each others’, bodies burning for more friction, she finally pulled away, fingers in your hair, looking at you with a sparkle in her eyes. “I’m going to go to bathroom and we’ll go. Want to come?”
You nodded, getting to your feet as she helped you, reaching for her bag, digging into it as you headed near the bathroom doors. “Do you . .” she lowered her voice, “want to split a bag?”
You know when you feel like all hope swipes from under your feet? When the heavy feeling of disappointment drops on you at once? It feels like your shoulders weigh a tonne?
That your throat turns to sandpaper?
You wished that wasn’t what had happened.
You wished you’d heard different. “What?” You whispered cluelessly.
She smiled at your cuteness, and pulled out the little white bag of powder from her Chanel bag.
Your face couldn’t have fallen more.
No no no.
It felt like you were witnessing heartbreak all over again. 2.0.
“Y/n?” She looked at you worriedly, grabbing your wrist to sit you down.
You blinked rapidly, shaking out of your head, you spoke her name, holding her arm reassuringly, “I can’t. I—” how else did you put it? You forced a laugh so you didn’t make her nervous, that you weren’t going to snitch on her. “I can’t,” you couldn't take your eyes off the bag of coke, “that’s . . that’s the whole reason I split from my ex. I - I can’t do drugs.” Can’t accept them, was better put, but she got that. She understood that right away. She could see it from the look of your eyes. It was a heavy subject clearly, and she felt bad.
That was the end of that.
“Y/n, I didn’t know! I’m so sorry—”
“Its ok! It’s fine, it’s fine! I just . . I just can’t deal with that shit - I’m sorry. That’d be . . really fucking unfair on my ex,” you laughed, tucking your hair behind your ear. “If it’s your thing, you can—” what were you even doing right now? “yeah. I’m sorry.” You needed to leave immediately, feeling your body get worked up so effortlessly.
It was short-lived, but you wondered what she got up to these days. If she found someone as good as you.
As hot.
“Yeah, she was so cool. We got along great and . . it was such a good night. But then.”
“Oh no. But then?”
“But then, at the end of the night, she . . basically said about like . . splitting a line?”
“Oh no.”
“And I was like no. Sorry. I don’t play in the snow,” you kept it light-hearted.
“Awwww.”
“It would be unfair to my snowman, ex-boyfriend.”
“What?!” Grace burst out laughing as did you, not knowing if you made sense. You were so tipsy.
“Yeah. It was short-lived but I mean,” you shrugged. It ain’t meant to be, it ain’t meant to be.
“Would do again?”
“I mean . . hopefully not, I hope to marry this one,” you laughed, thinking of the very face on your lockscreen.
“What a perfect segway into my next question!” She clapped her hands as you laughed at the perfect timing. Grace was amazing. You would definitely be back here. “What is the plan now? What’s on the to-do list both as an individual or with Harry? Got any work moves? Proposals coming up? The Sidemen seem to be in their proposal/baby era if I do say so myself.” You let out a breath with wide eyes, knowing you weren’t riding that train anytime soon. “How do you feel about that by the way?”
“It’s weird! It’s – I can’t believe i’m at that time in my life where I get to see my friends get engaged and get married and have kids, it’s mad!”
“Must be right weird.”
“It is. It makes me feel so old. It feels like I only moved to London like a couple years ago,” you swirled your drink. “I currently have no plans coming to mind. We are planning to move this year but that’s a whole drama in itself.” You waved off.
“Why?!” Grace laughed, ready to hear all.
“Because,” you sighed, dwelling, “we — so our lease is up at the start of the new year and we were saying to our mums the other month when we were in Guernsey and both of them — Grace, we literally ended up going from one house to the other, got the same response and ended up going out in the car for about 3 hours, just sitting ‘cause we were pissed off,” you laughed, “well, Harry got pissed off. He was in the worst mood.”
“Why?!”
“‘Cause,” you shifted in your seat, “ we were in his house, in the kitchen with his mum and he just said ‘oh! our lease is up next year, like, we were looking at properties the other day’ just bringing it up to be like ‘we’ll be moving again!’”
“Yeah!” She understood.
“Yeah! And she was like ‘oh, well this will be a big decision this time around’ and we were like ‘. . why?’ and she goes ‘well, this will probably be your forever home this time,’ and Harry was all–” you replicated his baffled, bewildered, offended-looking face, “he was like ‘what?! what?’ and she was like - ‘well you know! You’re both nearly 30 now, you been together 100 years, what are you gonna do when a baby creeps up on you and you’re still living in a tiny apartment’ and Harry just lit up on one, he was all ‘why you keep saying about babies! Why you say shit like that! Our apartments aren’t small!’ yada, yada, yada. But she was just saying like - ‘well it’s true, Harry! You’d be stupid not to buy a house now! You’re almost 30’ — then that sent him into a breakdown because how dare anyone comment on his age — and yeah. Just got him all worked up.”
“Does he get worked up about his age?!” Grace exploded in laughter.
“Oh my God, Grace, YES.” You gave her a crazed look, “the other day! Danny Aarons! He told him he looked thirty! He came home to me, ripping his hair out, having this meltdown like ‘DO I LOOK THIRTY TO YOU?!’ I was choking on my dinner, his dramatic entrance - nearly took my door of its hinges!”
Grace was wetting herself, strange, humoured sounds coming from her mouth as you got sidetracked.
“I was trying to calm him down, strokin his hair for about 20 minutes, telling him he wasn’t old! He was lying down, head on my lap, completely distraught he got told he looked 30.”
“I’m fucking dead. I’m bringing that up to him if he comes on here some day.”
“Please don’t.”
“So thirty with no house - what about you? Did it annoy you?”
“I saw where she was coming from, like I get it. We both just assumed, like routine, to find a new apartment block, it’s always been apartments, and then his Mum said that and I was like . . oh, that’s kind of valid. But Harry was thrown off guard so we went to my house, said to my Mum about the lease and she was all - ‘well surely you’ll be getting a house this time?’ and it was deja-vu. Harry was like ‘why?’ and she was ‘why not?’ and then I was like ‘yeah, actually, why not?’ and he was like ‘’cause of planning, and perfecting, and building, and landscaping, and’ basically all shit he can’t be arsed to do this year — or any year, I like to believe,” you rolled your eyes, “and then my Mum went on to say about it’d be clever to find a place to ‘settle down in, that’s kid-friendly’ and shit and then Harry was like ‘get in the car’ and we ended up going a drive, walking about Guernsey for an hour, him just spilling his thoughts to me,” you noted casually.
“Oh wow. My man was stressed. Why?”
“He — I th— he just hates to feel pressured like that. He hates - even though his family are always 100% completely joking, they would never do that to him, not at all – but when they joke about him settling down and having a baby - he freaks out. He gets all worked up and offended,” Grace was laughing again because same, “he hates it, it pisses him off and I think just trying to like, get advice or a ‘oh wow, where are you thinkin’?’ it somehow got linked to boom: marriage, babies, blah, blah, blah and he couldn’t be arsed. But I get where they’re coming from and it had me thinking of something I hadn’t even considered. And we talked about it after and I was like - ‘they have a point though, maybe we should look at finding a house, it doesn’t need to be rooms for a nursery but a place you can finally have a proper office and games room. We can finally have a garden with a hot tub out the back and guest rooms for our friends and family’ and . . yeah. Now we’re looking at properties.”
“WOOOO!” She cheered your talent at persuading. “How exciting!”
“It is! A new adventure. Something we’ve never had before. I mean it’s good timing, it would be nice. I can’t imagine having a house with him.”
“You look excited.”
“I can’t stop smiling at the thought,” you gushed, cheeks hurting, “I think it’ll make me feel more grown up and . . yeah. Being able to say I have a house.”
“Big flex,” Grace flexed her arms.
“Would be cool.”
“So no brand deals to help you pay for this new gaff?”
“I’ve had brands reach out to me - I’ve had them reach out to me before, like years ago before they were even as famous as they are now — like Prettylittlething.”
“SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!”
“Swear down,” you held your hands up.
“AND YOU REFUSED?!”
“Well yeah, I wasn’t into media, I didn’t have an online personality on my own account. I was intimidated and . . yeah. Publicity scared me, the thought of modelling the clothes and stuff was nerve-wracking, I didn’t want to do it.” You laughed nervously.
“SERIOUSLYYYY.”
“Yeah,” you laughed, “I just . . wanted to be normal still. I was still adjusting to London and Harry was doing well on YouTube, I didn’t feel the need to . . I don’t know. I just liked how my life was, I didn’t want to change it. Felt too fast or something.”
“Oh my God. Fumbled the bag.”
“Literally. But I’ve had more reach out to me and I have been in talks with collaborators, so we’ll see.”
“Would you do PLT? ACTUALLY— is it true you got offered a place on Love Island?”
You lowered your head embarrassingly and placed a hand to your head, hiding the blush taking your cheeks.
“YOU DID!”
“I did, yeah. I got scouted.”
“To go straight on?”
“Yeah. Like straight-up offered a place.”
“SHUT UP!”
“Yeah. I declined,” you bit your nail.
“WHY?!”
“BECAUSE! Do you know how embarrassing that would have been?! It was cool at first but I thought-”
“—Harry will laugh at me.”
“YES! I was like ‘fuck no! They’ll have Sidemen Reacts vids on this one day!’” You laughed, “I genuinely just imagined Harry watching it to take the piss out of me, drag my name in the dirt or even his family?! Or my family?! Yeah, it was weird.”
“It is mad. Especially to do the challenges and stuff.”
“Yeah! Again, I still wanted privacy. And I wasn’t really desperate for a relationship, I didn’t think I’d find my life partner on Love Island.”
Could have been rich though.
“You could have been the next Ekin-su. Molly-Mae. You could have been the original like . . Alex and Olivia — you could be married now with a child!”
“I could. But that’s not what’s meant for me now, I’m supposed to be where I’m supposed to be,” you grinned at her. “It is weird, though. I don’t know how I would have coped if I got questioned about exes and stuff. It’d be weird for me.” You didn’t think you could give out info like that out on TV, to potential fans of your boyfriend, and portray him in a way that could get twisted. Plus, if anyone bad-mouthed him — you’d probably light up on them. “And the challenges?” You shared a look with the girl, “not with my parents watching. They can hear stories all they want on YouTube but there’s a difference between hearing and watching such acts.”
Grace clapped loudly and laughed. “So you would never?!”
“No. Harry makes fun of me now for just getting offered a place,” you sniggered. “I probably would have been disliked anyway. I think I'd be portrayed as the bitch.”
“The producers are sneaky that way! Aren’t they?!”
“Yeah! I’d be so mad.”
“I think you’d either be really, really liked or . . slaughtered. If they portrayed your personality right . . I think you would be Miss Love Island.”
“You think?” You laughed.
“Yeah. Who do you think you’d be like if you were on?”
“Definitely Maura.”
“OH MY GOD! YOU WOULD SO BE MAURA!”
“She’s the shit.”
“She is. So BooHoo deals, PLT — wait, so would you do PLT if you got offered now? ‘Cause you are quite praised for your fashion, I’ve found,” she checked her notes. From your nights out, date nights, boxing fits to your everyday street style - everyone was asking you for links.
“I guess so, yeah. I like dressing myself when I have an excuse to. Harry’s hard to - he doesn’t really let me, he’s a comfy lad. I tell him brands to buy from for sweatshirts and stuff but that’s it, he’s not a dressy guy much. Which is fine. I can be too, I do dress for comfort quite a lot—”
“I mean if you’re not going anywhere, why - why wear jeans, d’you know?”
“Literally! But yeah, I would say so. BooHoo have me modelling one of their jackets on the app - I posted it on Instagram, they reposted it on their account, got like half a million likes — OH MY GOD. MEGAN FOX LIKED AND COMMENTED UNDER IT?!” You held your hands out in a baffling way, “literally fainted, couldn’t breathe at the sight, was freaking out in our room, Harry couldn't be arsed with my antics — that's my claim to fame there.”
“What did she comment?!” Grace sat up excitedly.
“The heart emoji face and flames? Or the hot face? I think it was, I can’t remember now. I’ll look for the screenshot and show you. How cool is that, though?! I love her!”
“How did she find it?”
“‘Cause it was part of her collection.”
“You have made it in life.”
“I have.” You looked to the camera.
“That’s the achievement there.”
“It is.”
“Just marry her.”
“I will. I do,” you mocked, making her laugh.
“So no ring then? No babies yet? At least on Harry’s watch?”
“Not that we’ve planned anyway, no,” you shrugged, “as far as I’m aware. I don’t think I’ll be proposed to soon and I’m ok with that, like timing is everything and the thought of having to organise such things and dealing with Harry’s anxiety is just,” you rolled your head back, careful not to spill your drink. You didn’t mind waiting. Grace chuckled, but she found it adorable, how well you knew your man. “One day.”
“One day!”
“At times I'm like ‘shit, I'm 26 coming, I need to start making a move’ and then other times I’m like ‘. . I’m only 26’.”
“EXACTLY! Like what is the rush?!”
“Yeah! He’s not going anywhere! I’m not going anywhere!” You shrugged, pulling your top up, hoisting the girls.
Grace raised your brows, not missing them. “Cracking set by the way.”
You brought a hand to your chest flatteringly, “thank you!!”
“They are the best pair of tits I’ve seen in my life, I think. Ever.”
“SERIOUSLY?!”
“Seriously, gorgeous,” she pointed, still looking. “Is your man a tit man?”
“Ummmmm, dunno. Yeah? Think so. Would say so,” you contemplated, tilting your head. “He’s both. He can be anything.”
“Ooo. Anything? Is he a toe-sucker?”
“He could be if I wanted him to. You — you like that, don’t you?” You began to laugh as she looked cautiously at the camera. “You said so on here before, didn’t you?”
“Yeah. I mean . . yeah. Yeah.” She laughed, just giving in.
“Hey, I get it.” You held your hands up. “Shit happens. When you get in the moment—” shit could get crazy.
She laughed louder at your confession. “I’m fucking dead,” she lifted her glass to toast the camera. “Shit happens.”
“Shit happens! We all get carried away?” You held your arms out. “Dangerous game that.”
“What’s the weirdest thing you’ve caught yourself doing? What’s — what have you – what would you say was the craziest thing you’ve came out of and been like — ‘woah. What the fuck was that?’”
You laughed at her very specific question, “what? During sex?”
“Yeah.”
“What’s yours?” You fired.
“Touché.”
You laughed out loud. “No - I d— its wei—I mean . .” you tilted your head.
“YOU HAVE ONE!”
“I—”
“SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!”
You dropped your head to your hand for a second, trying to stop laughing, “I’ll s—I’ll tell you but like . . you have to bleep it.”
“Fine.”
“AND I’M BEING SERIOUS! Bleep it properly!”
“I WILL!”
You calmed your laughing, stomach hurting, and looked over at her seriously for a moment before saying. “He almost *** my ****** **f.”
Radio silence.
You stared at one another.
“ . . . . . what.”
You nodded.
“WHAT?!”
You began to laugh again.
“Wh – ho— whe— WHAT?! No Y/n — what? OW?! You need to evaluate—”
“Nope.”
She starred at you, unable to even imagine the p— no! Ow! “And on that note, I think we can call it a day.”
“Aw really?!”
“Yeah! I need to think about that. Thank you so much, you absolute gem. I’ve had the time of my life, I don’t know about you?!”
“Me too! I love it here?! I’d love to come back.”
“Please do. And bring Harry, I’d love to have you both on here. The Wroetoshaws.”
You raised your glass. “I’ll do my best.”
“Please,” she clinked your glasses, “guys, spam his socials telling him to get on here and leave questions below for next time ‘cause we definitely will be doing so. Y/n — it’s been a pleasure.”
“It has.”
“Before you go, what bit of advice have you got for me, what Saving Grace have you got?”
“No one is above or below you,” you cheersed the camera, “unless you’re Megan Fox, you can get above me or below me all you want, I don’t mind.”
“And get your toes sucked.”
“Aaaaaand get your toes sucked,” you laughed.
“Words of wisdom. I love you babe. Love you guys, thanks for tuning in. I hope you enjoyed, if you did, please like, subscribe or follow and download and listen on platforms, apple music, spotify you know the drill, and yeah - see you in the next one!”
You waved at the camera.
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dearhargrove · 3 months
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could I request a fic where reader is completely inexperienced. Like she has never even kissed a boy before. And also maybe she has had awful past experiences with s€x as well, whatever you feel most comfortable writing of course. And so she feels very shy around Billy (they already are in a relationship) and she admits that to him ? Or maybe he figures it out on his own. Whatever you prefer. And he is being super sweet and patient with her and letting her take baby steps.
Inexperienced
Billy Hargrove x fem!reader
summary You loved him and you were sure of it. He was sweet, romantic and respectful (if he wanted to). Yes, he came with trauma and emotional baggage, but he tried his best. So why was it so hard to forget your inexperience and kiss him?
word count 600
tags reader feeling nervous and being scared, Billy is sweet in this one !
a/n I’m sorry for taking so long! Life’s kinda crazy right now.. also just haven’t been feeling the best about myself and everything so I couldn’t find motivation 🫠 I didn’t wanna half ass this but I think I did anyway. I’m really sorry <3
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He had noticed. Of course he had - and you knew. It made you nervous, knowing that he knew. You were inexperienced. You’d never been in a relationship before him, you hadn’t even kissed anyone yet.
Which made it hard to be intimate with him in any way; even a kiss made you turn your head so it would land on your cheek instead.
It wasn’t because you didn’t want to, you were scared. What if you were bad at it? He had a lot of experience - what if you wouldn’t compare? There were so many doubts swarming in your head at the mere thought of kissing him.
It wasn’t that you didn’t trust him because you did. It was yourself you didn’t trust. What if he ended up being disappointed by you?
Your nervousness mixed with your inexperience whenever you even just thought about doing something with him.
You anxiously pull at a loose thread on your knitted sweater, unraveling a few more threads in the process. Before you can continue pulling on your sweater a hand covers yours.
“Don’t do that, you’ll regret it later, babe,” Billy reminds in between a drag of his cigarette. You smile a little shakily and nod, “Yeah- yeah, you’re right.”
“What’re you thinking about anyway? You’re never this quiet,” he drawls and flicks the cigarette out of the car window and onto the street. You eye him quickly and shrug, deciding not to tell him.
He turns his body to the side and looks at you fully, “What’s going on?” You bite your lip and weigh your options. Telling him would help you overcome your fears and maybe even kiss him - finally.
But he could also be weirded out at the kind of things you were so thoughtful about.
“Jus’ tell me, pretty. Not gon’ be mad or anything,” he rasps and you look at him, directly into his eyes. “Uhm…” you start and look back out the window instead before continuing, “I want to kiss you.”
He makes a surprised noise in the back of his throat but lets you finish what you wanted to say.
“But like, I have no idea how to..? And I don’t wanna disappoint you cuz you got all this experience and I don’t-“
You’re interrupted when his hand gently clasps your chin and pulls you close to his face. He presses a kiss to your chin and shushes you, “I couldn’t care less. Worst case, I’ll teach you.”
He mumbles against your cheek all while holding eye contact. Your skin rises in goosebumps and you blink slowly before managing a small nod. He takes it and leans in, pressing his lips to yours.
It’s unlike you would’ve expected and in some way it’s just a kiss but in another way it’s so much more. It means the world to you how patient he was readily being and the emotions this carries.
When he pulls back he has a smirk on his face, “You practiced with sum?” He teases and you slap his shoulder with a laugh.
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