#and I’m having this anxiety that I’m gonna get shit for it when I know deep down that it was the right thing to do

[reviewsdefinitionofsatisfaction]

Taylor has been lying on Joe since You’re Losing Me (Important Thread)

I’ve been confident in this theory since Midnights, but didn’t know how to spread it. Taylor is now blatantly lying about Joe and rewriting history. SHE was the one who didn’t want to get married, and Joe broke up with her over it. She chose fame over marriage, and the evidence is all over her music.

Ever since I heard “Mine” I instinctively knew Taylor was afraid of marriage. It’s the classic child-of-divorce case. “You say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes.” / “Brace myself for the goodbye ‘cause it’s all I’ve ever known.”

Her fear of marriage continues throughout her discography. Don’t let “Lover” and “Paper Rings” fool you—those were false promises to Joe at the start of their relationship. Listen to “champagne problems,” a song she and Joe co-wrote. What couple writes a song about breaking up because the girl is terrified of marriage 4 years into their relationship? Why, one where that’s happening, of course. “Your Midas touch on the Chevy door,” aka how she always references Joe turning things to gold. And don’t forget “Renegade,” a song where in the music video SHE is the one anxiously staring out the window being told to “open the blinds.” (“Is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything or do you just not want to?”, the lyric referring to Joe asking for marriage) This was a song written by Taylor from Joe’s perspective at the time. “I tapped on your window on your darkest night” (referring to Rep era) / “Starry eyes sparking up my darkest night.” … “And then you squeeze my hand as I’m about to leave.” (Joe’s POV) / “It’s on your face, don’t walk away, I need to say…” Taylor was the one always blowing up on him and then apologizing, as illustrated in Afterglow, The Great War, and most obviously her post-breakup behavior. Joe was NOT the volatile one of the two (also supported by articles released by her team, stating Joe’s personality was “great for Taylor” because “he is very calm”).

Then, just look at Midnights. The Bejeweled music video (which Taylor wrote and directed) is the clearest thing. A video all about choosing pop-stardom over a ring from a prince? While she and her boyfriend are having marriage disagreements? Hmmm. Interesting. Seriously, just go watch the intro to that video and tell me Taylor was the one fighting to get married behind the scenes.

Midnights lyrics: “He wanted a bride, I was making my own name. Chasing that fame.” (a person who WANTS to get married would NOT be writing this song!!!) “All they keep asking me is if I’m gonna be your bride. The only kind of girl they see is a one night or a wife.” “No deal the 1950s shit they want from me. I just wanna stay in that lavender haze” “I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser.” “I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money. She thinks I left them in the will.” (accompanied by elaborate scene displaying family-related anxieties in music video)

This is someone who is terrified of marriage and being an adult. I believe she launched herself into a fame-hug to avoid confronting her issues with Joe at this late stage in their relationship. After he broke up with her, she realized how deep of a mistake she made during the Eras Tour. Hence, the big lie in “You’re Losing Me” (which was written THEN, in 2023, conveniently dropped during the Matty Healy controversy) and her daring him to “say something” about the lie. (False God lyric: “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this, staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town.” When they fight, he was always the one ignoring her craziness.) And soon after, her peculiar surprise song choices on June 23: “Paper Rings” (“I’d marry you with paper rings”) and “If This Was A Movie” (“If this was a movie, you’d be here by now”).

The initial breakup article by People (Tree Paine’s mouthpiece) even outlines this story. “According to multiple sources, Swift and Alwyn had been ‘talking about marriage as recently as a few months ago.’ But at the end of the day, the couple wasn’t ready for a future together. ‘Taylor didn’t see them working out in the long run,’ says the insider.” This was before she wrote YLM, trying to provoke him, and now she will be driving it further with this new album I’m certain she wrote during 2023, NOT 2 years ago like she and Jack are trying to push. Her having Jack drop YLM’s “2021 date,” and then liking that tweet implying Sweet Nothing was not about Joe (when it was clearly about Joe)… she’s rewriting the narrative. You can’t trust a word she says.

#you are losing me #taylor swift #anti taylor swift #anti matty healy #joe alwyn #matty healy #the tortured poets department #midnight album #reddit #midnights

[rainylana]

“I’m always going to take care of you.” Alternate version!

Eddie Munson x female reader

summary: this is a new version of my old series i wrote last year. so many people have asked to see more of how eddie deals with such a horrible thing happening to the reader, so here we go, this is for you!

warnings: PLEASE READ! this is purposely written, in the beginning, as fast paced. i was trying to establish a sense of anxiety and fear while writing it because of how quickly it happened. the assault happens differently and does not go into much detail this chapter, but will during the next. i purposely switched povs because i still wanted to give insight to the reader. so with that being said, warnings for this fic include: rape, blood and bruises, broken bones, hospitalization, language, smoking of weed, trauma and shock, lots of tears and angst. please, please, let me know what you thought and if there’s anything i need to go about differently. it’s been a year since i’ve properly revisited this series. i feel like this version will be much darker and will take more of a toll. let me know your thoughts and if anything needs changed. i never spellcheck lol. this one’s for all of us. i see you and feel you. much love, lana.

Steve Harrington’s parties were the kind that were talked about for weeks on end. The music, the food, the house. It was a mansion, and there had been many of times were you and Eddie had slept in multiple rooms of that house, unbeknownst to the owners knowledge.

This party was no different. Bodies were on bodies, beer was spilled and the pool was splashing every drop of water out into the flower bed, that was no covered in trash. There was a basketball court that entertained the jocks. It was an absolute mansion.

You were somewhere. Eddie would see you from time to time getting more beer or a snack, coming over to check on him. He closed his eyes, taking a long drag and leaned against the wall. “Shit, this shit is good.” He coughed slightly, letting his arms fall at his sides, black sleeves pulled up at his elbows.

You found him eventually, hair slightly wet from being splashed at the pool, a towel wrapped around your shoulders. Most everyone was wearing their bathing suits. You smiled when you sat down beside him, laughing at the redness of his eyes. “Feelin good, Eddie?” You tapped his chin.

He grinned at you goofily. “Shit, is the shit, babe. Wanna try?” He offered it to you.

You plopped down on your ass and sat beside him, saying hi to all the others that joined the circle. You laid your head on his shoulder. “Sure you don’t want to come swim with me, Ed? It feels good. Moons out, too. It could be romantic.”

“I give you plenty of romance, darlin’.” He said through hooded eyes, armed laid lazily around your wet shoulders. “Damn, your tits are out!” He exclaimed, finally realizing you had changed, eyes bulging for dramatics.

You laughed and rolled your eyes. “My tits are not out. Everyone is wearing them! You picked it out, don’t you remember?”

“Baby, I’m gonna be honest, I don’t remember much of anything right now.” He was practically drooling at the mouth, giggling like a child and floating off into space.

“Uh, huh.” You gave him a look before turning to the rest of the group. “He’s cut off.”

He was too stoned to realize what you had said, curling up in himself and lulling his head against the wall, eyes drooping closed.

“Eddie, Eddie, oh, okay,” You sighed, watching as he fell asleep. “I’m serious, Gareth, make sure he doesn’t do anything else. I got to carry this guy home, you know.”

You sat with Eddie for almost an hour, making sure he was alright. He always was. He always got tired when he smoked weed, you did too, but not near as much as he did. You gave him a kiss on the cheek, telling everyone else you’d be back and that you were going to change your clothes.

You went to the same room you always did, walked up the same steps and same corridor, the air cool against the exposure of your wet skin. Nobody was upstairs. You had planned for a quick change and nothing more, but you hadn’t any idea what was waiting for you behind the door, or the fact you were being followed.

•

Eddie was in and out of it, waking up here and there if someone spoke loudly enough. Dustin kept laughing, about what, he didn’t know or care. He just wanted to sleep. Later on he would realize that it was probably an act of God that he heard you, because there was no scientific explanation for it. He shouldn’t have heard you.

The music was booming loud, playing a hit from Blondie over the speakers. People were chugging beers, getting high and fucking out in the shed outside, the bedrooms above. The lights were flashing on and off, mixtures of colors painting the walls, their bodies. There was no way he could of heard you, yet he did.

He felt as if he were dreaming at first. His eyes were still closed, body numb from the awkward position he was in. It felt like a loud thumping at first, like something had hit the floor. Then a crash, something had broke. Then a high pitched noise, someone had screamed. It had to have been a dream, because he swore it was you.

Eddies eyes peeled open slowly, foggy and clouded from his high, but he didn’t feel so good anymore, and was left with a chill up his spine. He looked to the right of him to find you gone. “Gareth?” His voice was gravely and deep. “Where’d y/n go?”

Gareth pointed up the stairs quickly, eager to get back to his conversation with Robin about her thoughts on the new Back to the Future movie. Eddie had pushed himself up and found the stairs. It was a mansion, having had to climb four sets of stairs before he could find the hallway. Each set he could hear it clearer. He still shouldn’t have. The music was too loud. He could feel the vibrations underneath his feet against the wood flooring.

He walked quicker and quicker, the sounds of crashing, screaming, begging, becoming louder and louder. Soon, he heard his own name, and he knew it was you. He was running then, as fast as he could to find you. And when he did, the last door on the left, the same room you both had slept in many of times, he was brought to pure horror.

•

You weren’t entirely sure what was happening. Well, you did. You had been raped. You were just confused what was happening now. You were sitting up, staring blankly at the floor. Eddie was down at your feet, saying something, saying a lot of things, actually, but you couldn’t hear him. It sounded like he was underwater. Your ears were ringing, and he kept dabbing his hand under your nose. Were you bleeding?

Your hands were vibrating, along with the other parts of your body, shaking like you were having a seizure. Surely you’d pass out soon. Everything you felt was heightened. The pain, the emotion, or lack of. You soon realized you were going into shock.

You felt everything, yet nothing, all at the same time.

•

Four seconds.

It had taken four seconds for Eddie to react. Four seconds for him to decide what to do. He’d found you bent over the bed, hands pinned above your head and legs split apart. The man above you, twice your size, twice his size, a man he’d never seen before, raping you. It had taken him four seconds to react.

The man above you had stopped when Eddie had come in, staring at him in the act with a look of surprise and shock. Eddie lunged then, knocking the man over and into a side table that crumbled under their weight, a string of punches and curses, the sound of choking and items breaking. There was so much noise, but you didn’t hear any of it. You laid there, bent over, legs spread, a mixture of blood and semen seeping out of you as you stared straight ahead, fixated on the painting in front of you.

Steve and his mom at the beach.

You didn’t hear the sound of Eddie’s cry of pain when your attacker punched the wind out of him, you didn’t hear him run out of the room or Eddie’s footsteps after him, halting halfway and returning back to you. You kept thinking of Steve and his mom. She was so sweet. You really should spend more time with her.

All of that, led to now.

“Baby, baby, please, please, say something!” He panicked, knelt down at your legs, holding your arms to keep you upright, “Oh, God,” He took another look at your legs, covered in blood. “Oh, my god, Oh, my god.” He covered his mouth briefly, not knowing what to do. “Okay, okay,” He jumped up, running to the joining bathroom to grab a towel. “Okay, baby, I got this, see?” He started quickly wiping away at the blood, switching his eyes from his legs to you.

It looked like you’d been killed, or were dying. You said nothing, deathly pale, face stained with tears and mascara, deep bruising that painted your cheeks and eyes purple. Your lip was busted and bleeding. You were shaking with tremors, your breath coming out in little pants that were uneven. You were choking on your sobs, not a single one being allowed out. It hurt to sit, the pain in your abdomen was almost unbearable.

Eddie didn’t realize it himself, but he was also going in to shock. It became harder and harder to get the blood off of you due to his shaky hands, and his breathing become more sporadic and choppy. “I’m getting it, honey. I’m trying.” He said, words coming out in a rush. The towel was stained red when he’d finished, your legs still coated, stained by the blood from inside of you. He looked you over, shaking his head. He didn’t know what to do.

“Y/n,” He gasped, reaching up to grab your face. “Talk to me. Are you hurt? Where does it hurt at?”

You couldn’t look at him. It felt impossible. Your eyes were so heavy. His voice still sounded as if he were underwater, his movements slow, like he was fighting off a current, and you suddenly became freezing, trembling harder like you were out in the snow. Maybe it was the shock.

“Honey, please,” Eddie begged you, eyes tearing up. “I don’t know what to do.”

When he noticed how hard you were shaking, he jumped up and got a blanket from the chair, wrapping it around your body and sitting next to you. “Okay, here, I’m here. Steve!” His scream snapped you out of it, making you gasp and jump.

“No!” Your voice was hoarse, burning as you screamed. “No!” You tried to stand but you collapsed, pointing to the door. “Close the door! Close the door!”

Your urgency made him obey quickly, and he was slamming the door and locking it within a second. “Y/n-”

“You can’t tell anyone!” You sobbed, wobbling on your legs. You were a sight, one that would traumatize him for the rest of his life. “No one, swear it! Let’s just go home!” You we’re a wreck, sobbing, hyperventilating, shaking. Surely you would faint.

“Angel, baby,” He tried to approach you, but you freaked.

“No!” You jumped away. “Don’t- don’t touch me, please!” Was the room getting darker?

“Okay, okay,” He held up his hands, heart racing and bulging, fearful eyes. “I won’t touch you. I’ll stay right here, okay?”

You nodded, mouth opening and closing, feet shuffling, limping, trying to stay upright. Surely, you would faint.

•

His elbows are on his knees, hands pressed against his mouth. The chair he’s in is uncomfortable, an ache in his back that matches the one in his heart. Wayne is there, sitting across from him on the other side of the room. Steve, Nancy, Robin and Dustin are outside in the waiting room, along with the rest of hellfire. He tried to be discreet. Well no, that wasn’t true. When you’d fainted, Eddie lost it.

He’d swooped you up in his arms, carrying you down stairs, a sobbing mess, looking anywhere for anyone, to help. He found Mike first, then Chrissy Cunningham. The party was over very quickly.

“Eddie.” Wayne said tiredly, wearing a puffed, flannel coat. “Why don’t you go home, bud? I’ll stay with her.”

“No.” He didn’t miss a beat. He was staring a hole right through you, eyes so tearful they looked to be made of glass. “I can’t leave her.”

Wayne knew he wouldn’t leave. It was four in the morning, and you hadn’t shown any signs of life. If it weren’t for the machines, Eddie was sure you would have been dead. You were so quiet, not a stir, not a twitch. Were you dreaming? Was it good or a nightmare?

“She’s alright, buddy. You know that.” Wayne could see the telltale signs of his panic attack coming on. “You heard what the doctor said.”

You had abrasions along your vaginal walls. Your nose was broken, now covered with gauze and medical tape. You had two broken ribs, bruises covering your entire body. The doctor had asked him questions he didn’t know the answer to. Eddie knew what had happened, but what had really happened?

You would be okay. He knew that. You were alive and you survived. But were you okay? What would you become when you woke up? You would be totally traumatized, or would you simply move on with life? He knew the answer and he hated himself for knowing it. He knew the pain you were going to suffer when you woke up. He saw it. He saw what it was you would have to endure. A part of him wished you would sleep peacefully forever.

It felt like every vital organ inside of him had been ripped apart, like his stomach had been cut and everything spilled out. He’d thrown up twice since they got to the hospital. It been hours since you both got there. He couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d saw. Your body being used, abused by a man who had beaten you up, raped you, split you open and left bloody.

“Oh, god, Wayne.” Eddie broke down in sobs, shoulders sinking and face hiding into his hands for a shield, a mask to hide from the world. “This is all my fault.”

The image of you had scared his brain, the mental image something he thought he’d never be able to erase. Through everything he had gone through, this moment here, was the worst moment he had ever lived through, and he himself, would make a deal with god if he could, just to take your place, to take it all away. The love of his life was in pain, and it caused him more hurt than he could have ever imagined.

His uncle looked at him, saddened and distraught for the both of you. “Don’t say that, Eddie. You know she’d hate to hear you say somethin’ like that.”

Eddie’s body shook with heavy, deep and broken cries. “It is. I was asleep. I was asleep and stoned out of my mind while she was being raped right above me!” He practically spat the words with a venomous hatred, throwing out his arm as he looked at you longingly. “I failed her. Her, of all people. I fuckin’ failed the one thing I care about most. How the hell am I supposed to live with this?”

Wayne watched him stare at you, stare at you and cry like he was mourning for the entire world, like you had been taken from him.

“How are we supposed to be okay after this, Wayne?” He looked like a little boy then, looking over to his uncle with big, brown eyes. “How can I…how can she ever forgive me?” Another sob, and another. Wayne was sat beside him now, holding his shoulders as Eddie cried.

“You two have been through hell together.” The old man said, on hand on his nephews new. “You’ll get through this. She will and you will. She stood by your side when you were dying, remember? She helped you through it. It did you both in, but you got through it, didn’t you?

He didn’t answer, but he heard his uncle loud and clear. He didn’t know how he’d do it, but he’d help you in every way he could. He owed it to you. You’d patched him up, held him through nightmares and insecurities about his scars. You fed him, helped clothed him and helped him keep himself clean when he was still too sore to move around. You had put your own life on pause for him. He owed it to you to do the same. In his eyes, it was his own fault it happened, anyways.

“Yeah.” Eddie sniffled, wiping away his tears with his jacket. “Yeah, I- you’re right. You’re right. I can help her. I’ll help her. She’ll be okay.”

“She’ll be okay.” Wayne assured him.

He didn’t realize just how hard it was going to be, how a giant rift in your relationship would almost separate the two of you. That the both of you would be forever changed from that night.

Eddie gulped, blinking back tears as he looked at the steady beating of your heart in the vital screen. “She’ll be okay.”

#eddie munson #i will always take care of you #eddie munson x reader #stranger things #stranger things season four #joseph quinn #eddie munson imagines #eddie munson headcanons #eddie munson blurb #eddie munson x female character #female reader

[1327-1]

unmedicated anxiety disorder person befuddled by brain doing the disorder

#this shit is fucking crazy #im like ok! lets get our clothes out bcoz i know u’re gonna freak out but this will make it easier #and then i’m like oh my fucking god what if people look at me #and then i’m like no i dont give a fuck but then i do i do so bad #it quite literally always takes jumping myself and beating my brain with hammers just to go Do Something #like i will map out my route. i will envision myself walking that route. i will be like yes i can see myself in this building i need 2 go 2 #all of that? FICKLE. #2024 xanax in my mouth plsplsplsllspls #.jrnl #i dont mean to psychoanalyze my family before 12pm but u ever have two parents who clearly have anxiety but as ure growing up theyre like #why dont u talk to ppl??? its a little weird ure this shy?? and then when u talk to ppl u’re reprimanded to HELL #and its like hey guys i unfortunately dont think this cycle can be broken i am ur literal child and u gave me this #and the world but its all the same shit fucking itself into top ten worst brain to have #me: u can go to the store and nothing will happen to u! [SOBBING]

[arionawrites]

1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!

2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr

3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!

overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!

#aritalks #i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use #not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before #and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk #but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day! #the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow #also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years #(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years #and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk) #was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!! #i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight #so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday #my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work #my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all #over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins) #but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered #(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting #when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so #just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my #mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19) #so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her #and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too #i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure #out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still #dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not #the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one #if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it #but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help #and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks #just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️

[floral-hex]

I just want to get blasted, either out of my mind or into the sun, I’m not picky

#not me looking into the shitty guidelines for getting approved for medical marijuana in arkansas #yeeeaaaah looks like the process is ridiculously convoluted and pricey so nah #but missouri is just a few hours away so who knows #I hate weed for real. I mean it’s cool but I’ve had some bad experiences #but my anxiety is getting pretty rough and it would just be nice if I could turn my brains to mush every once in awhile #whenever my hearing gets bad I start freaking out and panicking and feeling sick. it suuuuuuucks. #anyway I have about 10 ‘emergency’ klonopin left which I don’t like taking bc I’m a hoarder and hate wasting stuff #like in video games when you stockpile potions but never use them #plus that shit can be addictive and I’m not a fan of that idea #tbh tho I diiiid take one earlier and I’ve been feeling preeeetty mellow #I ate two bowls of ice cream and I’m feeling good #I thought I had a drs appt coming soon to talk about anxiety meds but turns out it’s actually next month 🙄 so gonna reschedule that #anyway this was supposed to be a post about wanting to get blazed but I kinda whined all over these tags #whoops #uhhh…. how are you doing? #have you drank enough water today? for real #god I love ice water with a little lemon juice. I drink so much of that a day. it’s the best. #this isn’t important #if you read all of this then I love you #or at least like you. a little. a little bit. you’re good. I appreciate you. #ok I’m gonna go make coffee now #you can ignore this #text

[seventh-district]

screaming shaking crying trembling wailing sobbing throwing up punching the wall in anguish and agony and angst etc etc etc

#Seven.txt #Seven’s Public Diary #cw vent post #kinda?? i guess?? #cw dentist #anyways yeah. i have to go to the dentist soon and i wanna throw up just thinking abt it #someone just fucking hit me with a tranq gun and get it over with already oh my god i don’t wanna do thisssssss #but don’t actually do that cause i would deadass revoke someone’s breathing privileges if they ever sedated me without my consent #that’s part of what i’m so afraid of. i don’t know what i’m gonna do if they say i have to be put under general anesthesia for this. #i will literally cry and run out of the building #so here’s hoping that they can just numb it and keep me awake #i need to stay awake for this man it’s the only way i can handle it. i don’t wanna be vulnerable like that. #hhhhhhh last time i was in a dentist chair i was shaking uncontrollably and it’s so embarrassing when my body does that shit #i’m so afraid it’s gonna be like that again cause my fear has gotten so much worse as i’ve put off going #but my father will be there with me so maybe my need to appear strong in front of him will override my body’s need to shake in fear lmao #so i’ve got someone to take me and i’ve thankfully got the money saved to afford it so realistically i shouldn’t be upset #but i am so so afraid and no amount of logic is gonna help me out here. i already know that #i just have to go do it like i have to force myself to do all the other things i’m afraid of #ugh. i can’t tell if i’m nauseous cause of the pain radiating from my jaw bone to my brow bone or if it’s anxiety #or if it’s cause i couldn’t eat last night. or all three. probably all three #i’ve never had any cavities or serious issues with my teeth before in my life so this is so so so new and scary and i hate it #but i want the pain to stop so i gotta get this fixed. and never eat anything with sugar or acid or anything ever again #and brush my teeth one million times a day so this doesn’t happen again #sighs and collapses on the floor. i guess i couldn’t run from the consequences of my mentally ill actions forever #also no for once i didn’t actually punch anything. that was just a figure of speech. and i’m in enough pain as it is rn lmao

[toomuchdickfort]

Vent abt smth that gets on my Nerves

#tried bringing up to mom like. hey how could I bring up coming out to family. and she was like visibly uncomfortable so I was like dw I’m no #gonna like try to ruin Christmas with it or some shit I’m just. nervous u see. and I’m sat there anxiety rambling abt it because oh my god. #and she pulls out the fucking. ‘can’t you just be a person?’ mom I am a person already. the problem is. the PROBLEM IS. EVERYONE THINKS I AM #AND THUS TREATS ME AS A GIRL. like oh my god. #vent #it’s not a huge vent like if it comes up I’m not gonna Lie moms discomfort abt the matter be damned. #but like. ‘can’t you just be a person’ is what she says every fucking time it comes up. like mom. mother. mi madre. do you realize how much #of an insult that feels like when you say it EVERY TIME I bring up trans anxieties. or dysphoria. or any of the ways my transness affects my #life. like being trans doesn’t make me less of a person oh my god. but also frankly I don’t have the patience to be nice about getting into #things and I don’t have the heart to hurt her about it and even if I did have one of those I don’t have the patience to hold her hand #through all this shit. like I gave up having mom on this journey ages ago do you know how painful it is to un-give up on something that #immense. it’s hard and it hurts and it burns and it’s like. giving up to begin with didn’t hurt too bad- it’s cutting off the festering #wound. but. but then. you find out that. you can in fact work with that. and suddenly you have to try and clean the wound. care for it and #wrap it and do it all over again. and god it hurts. and. I’m not entirely sure I want to un-give up all the way on this? it’s. a lot #like I get and I appreciate that she’s trying to do. something. in theory at least. she avoids the subject when I bring it up and all but #cringed when I brought up coming out to her side of the family. she calls me my deadname and her daughter more than she did before she said #she would try. and I don’t have the energy to uncover that wound enough to start cleaning it. I’m just letting it sit there because frankly #it’ll be such a huge thing because it’s Always a huge thing when I don’t let the subject drop mega fast and I’m. I know she’s not gonna cut #me off for just being trans but GOD I want to keep ONE of my parents in my fucking life when I’m able to stand on my own two feet holy shit #and. man. it appears this is. still more of a thing than I thought it was. thats. annoying and inconvenient

[raeathnos]

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#oh I am straight up not having a good time rn #long story short I got in a big ducking fight with my mom yesterday over something dumb #it’s complicated and I don’t want to talk about it #but it was my fault and I did apologize #there’s some shit she did in the past that’s related that I know I’m never getting a fucking apology for but whatever #but I can tell she’s pissed and my apology wasn’t enough #and I know her well enough to know that she’s going to let it sit and stew #and in sometime in the near future when we’re both alone she’s gonna explode at me #very much not in a good mental place for that and not looking forward to it #in the mean time I feel like I gotta walk on eggshells and my anxiety is fucked cause I’m just waiting to be exploded at #I’m disappointed in myself because I feel like I acted like she does which is something I try very hard not to do #but also like I did apologize which is something she never does #which also has me upset #this was over something small and stupid and she’ll turn it into the biggest shit and how I’m a terrible daughter and all that #meanwhile I went through so much shit from her as a kid included getting disowned multiple times #for really stupid reasons (didn’t like that I was a tomboy - was personally insulted that I was depressed) #and Ive never gotten an apology for any of those and know I never will #and additionally know not to talk about them because she’ll just twist things and play the victim #so I guess the gist of it is I’m mad at her and I’m mad at myself for how I acted but also that this is #bringing back a lot of bad memories I’d rather not remember right now #also it was inventory today so I had to be up at 2am and I only got like an hour and a half of sleep #so I’m dying physically mentally and emotionally atm #I am straight up having a bad time #it’s the not knowing when I’m going to get screamed at that’s getting to me rn #my anxiety is so bad #I need to get out of here

[sluttyten]

Now I sit in my room anxiously for the next hour and a half waiting for tickets to go on sale, and then I drive anxiously across town too

#like fuck I’m nervous and I need to eat something but I’m nervous and that makes it difficult #also I fucking hate making plans with people that I don’t know all that well 😭😭 like yeah I know them at work but not outside of work #and also going places I’ve never been before?? to do things that I don’t do?? the social anxiety has my belly in knots #and then….. I have to show my parents that I pierced my nose and I think that’s my biggest fear about all of this #number one fear actually: not getting tickets #number two fear: me coming home with my nose pierced and having to tell them #I just got home from work and saw my dad was home and was like oh shit bc when I leave I’m gonna have to offer an explanation #but like once I have the tickets purchased then like 🤷🏻‍♀️ what’s my mom gonna do tell me that we’re not going #also like everyone keeps telling me I’m a grown ass adult and I can make these decisions myself #I wonder if everyone at work could see how nervous I was and how increasingly throughout the day I’ve been getting like more nervous and #more quiet but like I feel like it’s equal parts ticket sale anxiety and doing something out of the ordinary that my parents might not #approve of while I live under their roof and all that #but on the bright side my dad just left to go do something so maybe he won’t be back before I leave and I’ll just be like hey I’m leaving #um and I’m getting my nose pierced but I’ll be back soon!! #also though like a source of my anxiety right now is that I have to go pick up one of the people I’m going with and I’ve never been alone #with him not that I mean that in a bad way just an anxious way like I’m awkward as fuck #and the other girl who was maybe going with us didn’t work with us today and she seemed a lil hesitant about it and then I texted her about #what time I’m planning on going and she hasn’t responded but I’m pretty sure she read it #anyway I’m literally like buzzing with anxiety right now over getting tickets first and foremost #ALSO I’m supposed to be getting something from Amazon today and it’s not here yet plus I’m waiting on a trade to get here and I just want #it all to just be here

[fakeoutbf]

.

#anxiety tw #i just watched lewis’ documentary #this is gonna be a little tmi so bear with me #genuinely did not know that much about him personally so it’s fucking wild to see all the pressures and anxieties he had to face after #the success of his first album like i can’t even imagine feeling so much pressure over something so complex #huge love to him honestly #i’m gonna side step a little from bc i was watching it with my mom right #and mental illnesses are so fucking complex and different for every person that has them right #so we get to the big climax in which it all starts to build up for him right #and i’ve never said this online before right but my brother’s has diagnosed autism since he was a toddler and he has add and anxiety on top #and my mom’s always been very on top of that with him and tried to get him therapy and shit for it for years #and medication and all that stuff #like to the point where i remember going out of town to get him to a doctor and get him meds and shit #and he hasn’t taken anything in a while and my mom kind of chilled about it after he graduated high school #so she goes ‘you know that’s how your brother is like’ while we’re seeing lewis experience his own anxiety etc #while i’m over here almost crying bc it definitely hit close to home for me and my own personal experience #and it feels so fucking shitty that like bc a professional has never told us that i have an anxiety disorder or depression or any other #fucking mental illness that my mom just brushes off my own feelings and struggles #when some days i can barely get up in the morning and somedays i think about not doing it anymore and every day i sort of harm myself #so i just tell her to shut up and she gets mad when like #i’ve had to hide it for years so she doesn’t get worried then hit the breaking point and asked for help and they didn’t do anything about it #idk i guess i’m just tired of being pushed aside when i’m clearly aching

[burninghillgirl]

I promise I promise I promise you already know deep down if it’ll work out with this person that you’re talking to, this anxiety that you’re experiencing because they didn’t reply fast is not good for you. Not sure what your intentions are but I’d encourage you to think about where you’re hoping this goes, what your deal breakers are and what your must-haves are—are these things aligned to making you happy rn? If you’re in it for the long haul you may want to consider how the idea of a future with them makes you feel if things were as they are between you in terms of communication, values etc. please have fun, be safe and enjoy seeing life through this love

i’ve already emotionally lived through our break up and dreamt about it last night i just like kisses n being with someone for the shits n giggles 🤭🤭🤪

#this is very good advice tho thank u x i’m just dramatic and full of shit sorry hahaha #i know where it’s going n what our intentions are so idc that much like i want to have this summer thing with him but i know i’m gonna have #to end it eventually…. which is BAD to think about i know….. n i get anxiety over it bc i don’t like being ignored bahahah #i rlly have terrible morals when it comes to dating sorry 🕺❤️

[chelseasdagger]

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#idk if y’all know what an overgrowth of bismuth in your body does but i’m gonna type it out cause i’m feelin some typa way #and obviously ignore this pfff i’m just angy #you guys know the brand pepto bismol or whatever the hell it’s called outside of the states idk it’s that pink shit that tastes gross but #you take it when you have disgrstive problems or nausea of whatnot #so i have to take it quite pretty often because of my intestines being fucked and general anxiety making my stomach pains worse #but here’s the kicker #now whenever i take it - and this didn’t use to happen before - when i wake up the next day or look a few hours later #my whole tongue is black like this layer of film on it #and i know like gosh chelsea it’s not that big of a deal #it’s not but all it does is remind me of WHY i have such a build up of this product inside of me that it turns my tongue black after ONE #dose when i haven’t taken it in two or three months #and it makes me sad because he’s already messed up other parts of me and i don’t want to be touched #and when i see my tongue all i can think about is the weeks after it all happened and i kept taking more and more medicine because my #anxiety was making my stomach hurt so badly it was just in pain #i now recognize it as guilt and that i blamed myself for what happened #but i know now it wasn’t my fault. i don’t think it was #but anyway yeah just… wanted to get that off my chest #i hate that man for what he did to my brain but also the one thing the one medicine i had that was a comfort to me is now also ruined #because of mornings like these #where i try not to gag as i brush the back of my tongue and get that layer of blackness off #and it’s mornings like these i get angry at him #shut up chelsea #< the one time i truly need the tag PFFF

[erwinsvow]

“rafe? can you come over? i think i’m in trouble.” your phone call to rafe is as cryptic as you’ve ever sounded, and you never call him with such a vague message. 

“m’coming. stay there, don’t move.” he hangs up before he can ask you any more questions, mind spinning with a thousand thoughts while he speeds over to your place. are you hurt? was it because of something he did? 

he doesn’t hesitate a second, letting himself in and heading up to your bedroom, finding you sitting on the floor near your bed, wiping your eyes and staring down at a piece of white plastic in your hands. the world stops spinning for a moment when you look up at him.

rafe crouches down to you, bringing you into a hug while you cry on his shoulder. it’s not until you pull away, looking down at the stick—a pregnancy test, he realizes with his heart dropping into his stomach—that he understands what’s going on.

the two of you remain like that, silent, staring at each other, while your eyes well up with tears and you chew your cheeks with anxiety. he knows you, knows you’re terrified he’s gonna up and leave, terrified that you’ve somehow disappointed him. 

“hey, hey.” rafe tilts your chin with his hand, making you look up at him, using his other hand to wipe away your tears. “s’gonna be fine. we’re gonna be okay.” 

he’s actually saying it to reassure himself too, heart thudding in his ears. you, pregnant. he should have expected this, from how often the two of you fuck around with a condom long forgotten. it’s never gotten to this point, so the thought had sort of slipped away.

sort of. he can’t deny that it’s all too easy to cum inside you when you’re begging for it, that it’s his own choice too. the idea of you pregnant was a scary thought before, but now that it’s actually happening, actually a reality, it doesn’t seem that way. 

a vision of you—belly swollen and walking around in a pretty dress, your only care in the world what kind of baby clothes you want to buy and what color he should paint the nursery—dances around in his head. he feels his shoulders relax, his grip on your hands tighten.

“it’s gonna be okay, kid. we’ll go today, get the paperwork and get married. we can do all that wedding shit later. and we can find our own place, for the three of us. i’m gonna take care of you, alrigh’? you won’t have to worry about a damn thing.” he runs a hand through his buzz, settling on the back of his head. “well, besides the baby, i guess. and, uh, i can fit a carseat in the truck. i bet wheezie’s crap is still in tannyhill, somewhere.. i'll have to find it. and tell your parents. shit.” 

your breathing evens out, staring up at your boyfriend with big eyes. he brings you into a kiss, whispering more reassuring words against your skin.

“we’re gonna be fine, okay? you and me,” he says, pressing his forehead to yours. you melt into rafe’s touch.

“rafe?”

“yeah, kid?”

“is this a bad time to say april fools?”

#im deadd i had to #this spilled out of me #hope everyone likes and happy april <33 #rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader

[mzcain27]

17 year old brother just about got my car towed to sell to some random now the dude who randomly rocked up to take it is pissed nbd ✌🏻

#wtf bro #idek what just happened #I had no knowledge of this until it was happening #it’s my old car but we’re not done like removing the stereo which is worth money still #and this dude just rocks up here ready to take it and I’m like when tf did this get organised????? #turns out he was talking about it at work and someone just it it on marketplace to ‘help him out’ #we obviously had to tell tow truck dude to leave becomes no one knew this was happening except my brother #because* #I’m so tired #when is this kinda shit gonna stop I need a break #my anxiety was through the roof #now angry randoms have our address so that’s dope #maybe I’ll get to beat the shit out of someone if they come back to pinch them #the whole front end of mine is missing tho like I know you wanted it for parts but it’s not a huge loss bro lmao

[floral-hex]

woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void #shits rough dawg #I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts #haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier #it’s cold #saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early. #and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed. #went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours #guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left #even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are #I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh #my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week #maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done. #I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting #woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside #hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning #can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding) #actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so… #I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience #anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments #I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired. #I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die. #is this relatable? #just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda. #gonna look at pictures of butts now #ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever #you can ignore this #text

[saturnsaturn]

I keep thinking about what I want for myself and these pass few months I’ve felt stuck and I haven’t found that light of mine. Today I woke up from a dream that reminded me that I’m still young and still have time. It made me think about 2 years ago almost, when I read the book in five years and how so much had changed for the main character and her life and it reminded me that I still have those hopes and dreams of becoming stable and at peace despite the chaos around our world. I would like to get back to that moment and not feel like I don’t exist as I do now, that I shouldn’t wait for that spark but try to find myself everyday. I see myself enjoying life, not being so isolated as I am now. I even have anxiety of the bus now, this wasn’t me, a year ago I used too take the bus everywhere and go on solo dates now I can’t. I hope to get out of this stuck feeling and live more, go out more enjoy life.

#selftalk #me #anxiety once again runing my days #no literally I get anxiety on the bus that I feel I’m gonna shit my pants #so now I have anxiety over shitting myself it’s funny I know but it’s true and my stomach starts acting up 😣😣 #this wasn’t me #I miss being hopeful and enjoying the outside #now all I do is rot in bed and only go out when my family does and that only to the market or target #that’s not life #but now that the sun is setting later maybe I’ll feel a bit better