#and I just don’t feel safe lol

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[zsbrainrot]

Does anyone else think about how Rei can only sleep on the couch when he’s completely wrapped up in a blanket burrito? Because I think about it often.

Happy Buddy Daddies Friday!

#also I think about how Kazuki KNEW that he had to be swaddled in order to feel safe #Rei really is just a cat #low key want to write a fic about how kazuki discovered this #anyway happy buddy daddies Friday! #i know I said I was gonna do polls but my brain has not been working #I’d still like too but im pushing thru artblock rn #buddy daddies #kazurei #reikazu #buddy daddies fanart #kazurei fanart #reikazu fanart #my art #also consistent shading style? don’t know her #I’m still figuring out a shading style lol #also yes kazuki is wearing Rei’s hoodie #bc I’m a sucker for them sharing clothes

[crybaby-bkg]

“Are you ever angry?” You ask quietly, head resting in Bakugou’s lap. His thumb pauses where it strokes your cheeks, the far away gaze in his eyes suddenly snapping into focus as he looks down at you. He looks…different than you remembered, before you both were cast out of the pearly gates.

His hair doesn’t shine as bright as it used to, and it falls a little flatter without the halo pulling it up, soft. His eyes still hold that hardened gaze as a battle angel, but they’re deeper now. More sunken in and hollow, the flickering ichor now a stained crimson. His face is scarred and his hands are rough after the fall but he’s just—different.

“About what?” He asks, his lips pursed in confusion. You reach a hand up, stroking over his bottom lip, smooth a hand through his hair. You can almost feel the throbbing light radiating from him, can almost see how broad and ivory his wings would spread and hold you tight to him.

“It all. Everything. The fall.” You whisper, try not to shrink into yourself with the way Bakugou’s lip curls back in disgust. He pulls away from you and you sit up, resting on your knees, looking at him in such a way that his heart pangs in his chest.

His heart, something he’s never had a reason for when he still had his fists bathed in heavenly fire and no ounce of rebellion hidden under sinless skin. It aches in his chest at the mention of life after being kicked out with the only thing he could hold onto—you.

“Why would I miss my thoughtlessness? My inability to make a decision for myself? Why would I miss being a pawn?” Bakugou is all snarls, all snapping teeth and jowls, but it doesn’t scare you. He’s never scared you, even when his gait was limp from the impact of hard soil, and his hands grew rough, and his back grew jagged from ripped feathers.

“I miss it.” You whisper so carefully into the humid night, hands reaching for his own trembling ones. “I want to be holy again, Katsuki.”

He hisses at you, snatching away like you’ve burned him, like you’ve seized his halo and ripped it into two until it split into horns. Looks at you with such heavenly fire burning in his gaze that you want to shrink beneath him.

“Well—well I don’t. Find someone else who will, cause it sure as hell ain’t me.” You wonder who he’s trying to convince here, with his shaky voice and fluttering eyes and trembling mouth. You stare at him for a long while, lips wobbling at the gravity of it all. Your head hangs low, gathering yourself in your arms, head bowed to him—it’s the only thing you’ve ever known.

“Just hold me for now.” You murmur, eyes low as you settle yourself in his arms, forcing your way into his hold. “Please?” You tack on, unafraid of his bite, his snarl, his growl. Bakugou sits there stiffly for what feels like a century, but you’re used to waiting.

He gathers you in his arms slowly, pulling you into his chest, his body covering yours completely. And if you let yourself relax enough, you can almost feel the warmth of his wings surrounding you again.

#can you tell I watched the first season of good omens today AKSJDKDJD #this is actually my favorite subject matter to write about!! #Ive been writing about it since I was a teen and it’s just so cathartic and relaxing and melancholic in a sense #but I don’t tend to write it for fics bc I usually just write p*rn ajdkdjd #I know this kinda stuff isn’t everybody’s cup of tea but it means a lot to me #at first I was gonna make you guys on either side of each other #but didn’t wanna do the bad boy demon x innocent angel reader thing #and I feel like somebody did the vice versa version too???? I can’t remember but I didn’t wanna unintentionally steal lol #so I just did both fallen angels which I love a shit ton lol #I’m rambling sorry!!! #bakugou treats! 🍬 #—new treat in the streets! 🍫 #cw religion #cw religious imagery #tagging just to be safe!

[nuppu-nuppu]

Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again

#pls dont read if you cant handle venting and whining #once again i am here to say that i am the loneliest person alive and i feel like i can’t grasp the basic consept of friendship and do it lol #like idk how to be friends #i feel like i will forever be sad and lonely #and i know everyone will say you can talk to me and i know that but i’ve just been by myself for so long that i don’t remember how to have #actual conversations with people i feel like i am disconnected from reality #i feel like i am an extremely unlikeable person and that’s why i was all alone in highschool and idk i am oversharing on the internet again #because it’s the only place i kind of feel safe doing it #pls take care of yourselves first before comfoting me or anything im sorry i sound very pathetic #how do i start living again #how does one live anyway #im just in my head all the time #this was supposed to be hot girl summer but it’s once again summertime sadness #im so stupid!!! #im so anxious and depressed that i dont know what to do with myself #im so sorry for oversharing i have a therapist dont worry im kind of taking care of myself #but the eternal loneliness just wont let me go #idk how to be a person anymore #i’m just sad #thinking of going to a church and pretend to be a believer so i could have a community again lol

[kagoutiss]

grass nap

#ocarina of time #tloz oot #ganondorf #phantom #i’ll sometimes draw regular gan wearing parts of phantom ganon’s mask bc i like to think they’re based on things he actually wears lol #so sometimes he has his goth edgelord masks on when he’s out and about #i have a lot of feelings about. him just taking a little nap in hyrule field #bc trying to get spiritual stones is hard work and not every place would be willing to let him sleep there #and also the idea of him being totally safe in hyrule field at night bc the stalchildren don’t feel threatened by him #wwwwwwwwwwwwww

[unknowinglydeceasedlol]

it’s always “how do you think they’ll feel when something happens to you?” but never “how do you feel about having to be pushed to this point?”

#lol like i don’t wanna feel like this constantly but I’m just so tired and frustrated constantly #i hate feeling like nothing i do will ever be worth it #I hate feeling so alone constantly and actually being alone most of the time #i hate trying to put myself out there but always falling flat bc i struggle in social situations #I hate always having to put everyone’s feelings and emotions first when no one’s ever put mine first #i wish i had my person but i always fuck it up and lose them #actually bpd #bpd safe #cluster b safe #cluster b #bpd vent #vent #vent post #mentally fucked #mentally exhausted #actually mentally ill #mentally unstable #bpd feels #tw sui ideation #actually borderline #bpd blog #borderline personality disorder #bpd #bpd life #bpd problems #bpd tag #borderline pd #bpd thoughts #bpd mood #bpd stuff

[xpennytrickx]

(Not og anon) I agree with separating the art from the artist and pirating music but it seems like you still buy merch/go to shows/like these people genuinely?

well msi has been dead for years so i’m never gonna get to go to one of their shows anyway but i think pete could bring a loaded ak-47 into an all-girls catholic school and go to town and i’d still suck him fat and dirty so when it comes to faII out boy specifically i have to admit that it’s a bit of a moral failing on my part

#no fr i don’t think that pete is currently a genuinely bad person. i think he’s done horrible nasty shit in the past #but i do think he’s not still currently engaged in that lifestyle that he used to thrive in #yeah i joke here. we all joke here. but i do think that pete is not currently a sex abuser and a lot of what he did was informed by #horrible addiction and a refusal to get treatment #if you feel safe in drug abuse and fetishizing your own sadness you will do bad things #he did shitty awful things. i don’t think he’s still doing shitty awful things #and i want him to have a little walking around money #also i don’t think that any of the people i currently listen to are like. Insane #really i’m not married to a lot of artists lol i fucking love the front bottoms and aIex g but they’re good guys #i just listen to a lot of random shit #i did stop listening to swmrs when the Allegations came out mostly just because i was like. too sad #bunnyaskz

[babyfairy]

very very hard and painful day. one of the hardest i’ve ever endured. i don’t know if/when things will get better but i shared with some of my loved ones how i’m feeling and i was honest about feeling like i’m at rock bottom. love is the only thing that can carry me through. i can’t do it on my own

#i hope i get to a point someday where life feels worth living and i don’t wake up every day wishing it was my last. genuinely #i want to see the beauty in life so badly. i want to know what anchors everyone here #because right now i just don’t know how anyone can handle it. or how it’s worth it for anyone #anyway. i’m fine just tired i cried a lot and my entire face is swollen and i still had to work (lol) so i’m just like. worn ragged i think #physically emotionally etc. just completely raw and wounded. and i have no energy left #but for now i’m safe. so i guess that’s all that matters because that’s all i can control

[daydadahlias]

no but seriously the next person that makes a joke/comment about me fucking/dating my only guy friend because people 1) feel the need to press heteronormative bullshit onto every different-sex friendship and make the mass generalization that men and women always secretly want to fuck each other and 2) genuinely don’t view asexuality/aromanticism as valid and cannot comprehend how to be supportive and validating of it,, is going to get their shit rocked bc I’ve had about fucking enough of it :)

#no bc it’s happened to often #I’ve never really had guy friends tbh #like guy friends that were just mine #I’ve hung out in groups where guys were there but I’ve never had a guy friend that only me and him went and did things #bc I don’t feel safe around men uwu #but this year I’ve made a guy friend. and he’s super sweet and I really like him!! we have a great time hanging out and it’s purely platonic #he’s dating a girl and he knows I’m aroace and is totally chill with that !! so we have the understanding that I am genuinely INCAPABLE #of being into him. and he is NOT into me. we are just. friends. #but we go out to lunch/dinner and hang out and blah blah #and today we hung out to a few hours between classes and wandered around downtown and we bought matching stuffed mice lol #they’re so cute I love them #and I was showing off my mouse to people and happily explaining my day #and so many of my friends… all of my irl friends… were like #‘so you went on a date? so you’re into him? that’s a date sweetheart. you’re totally gonna get married and have babies with him’ #like those are ALL things that friends actually said #and it just made me feel like actively nauseous #bc 1) the thought of it makes me sick and 2) the fact that my friends just. don’t care about my sexuality #and my expression that I’ve reiterated time and TIME again makes me crazy #bc I know that every single time i mention Caleb people are hopping on it and wanting me to date him #and this is another reason I’ve never had guy friends!! #like oh my gOd!! I’m not into men!! leave me the fuck alone!!!!!! #yeah it makes me really upset :) #that’s my complaint of the week sigh #it’s heteronormative BULLSHIT!!! and the permeation of sex into oit society!!! #some of us don’t want to fuck our guy friends!!!! #leave me alone or be fucking nice to me #nobody would make jokes if I got matching mice with a woman #I HAVE matching stuffed animals with women!! it’s just something I do with FRIENDS #why are different sex friendships different #die maybe have u considered that

[akkivee]

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO STOP RHYME ANIMA (DONT)

#vee queued to fill the void #hypanispoilers #THIS CONNECTION HAUNTS MY EVERY WAKING MOMENT #LIKE I THINK ABOUT KUUKOUS WANDERING MONK TENDENCIES AND ICHIROS POTENTIAL WANDERLUST ALL THE TIME #AND THEN RHYME ANIMA ACTUALLY WENT AND CONNECTED IT RHYME ANIMA IS SO CRAZY IM NOT SANE ENOUGH FOR THIS #YEARS IN THE FUTURE WHEN EVERYTHING IS CHILL AND THEYVE SETTLED INTO THEIR ROLES IN ADULTHOOD #KUUKOUS GOING TO FILL UP THAT TEMPLE OF HIS WITH MONKS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW HIS TEACHINGS OF THE BUDDHA #AND THERE WILL BE ENOUGH PEOPLE ON DECK FOR KUUKOU TO LEAVE TEMPLE IN SAFE HANDS SO #ICHIROS GOING TO WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE WORLD FOR HIMSELF AND KUUKOUS GOING TO GO WITH HIM #i’m not joking i think about this all the time lmao something kuukou’s said before that i feel is important #but idk if it’s in relation to him or someone else we don’t know this late into the game lol #is that radio answer of his where he says heirs to temples that leave bc they have other things they want to do #usually do come back later in their lives #kuukou is dead set on inheriting the temple so that’s why i’m not sure if he’s answering from his own experience as well #but i just think it’d be really cute if ichiro and kuukou did like a graduation like road trip #where they just go places and experience stuff before really saying goodbye to their youth lol #i love them very much lmao

[pepprs]

ok so. today i am going to

fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3

ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3

check into a hotel by myself for the first time

walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today

give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes

#purrs #conference tag #chicago #im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o #if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been #other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel #less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt #like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself #if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely #anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared. #like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell #myself that i make it so. #trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED! #i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something. #obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen #to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie #i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have #been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha #i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before #like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i #genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still

[yioh]

monthly existential vent post incoming lol guys i so desperately wish i had normal people problems … why can’t i be fussing over my turbulent love life or something why instead do my problems consist of the very soul consuming existential dread whilst i lay on my bedroom floor thinking about to what extent is life meant to be enjoyed and to what extent is it meant to be survived … why does every choice i am given make me feel like all the options are the wrong answer and i’ll always be sick tired absolutely depressed :!!2;&:@,@/£:& everything … feels so empty it makes me wanna cry so bad i always thought being alive was amazing and incredible and there was SO MUCH fun things to do but now all of a sudden . no matter how much i try everything feels like the colour and life has been drained out

#listening to my friends be so happy with their life career etc or at least not destroyed over it makes me wanna chuck myself off a cliff #my friend sending me voice notes abt her latest boy problems and how she has too many ppl who like her to me when i was rolling around on #the floor kinda crying like a useless sack of potatoes #HOW DO HUMANS LIVE … how do you make a place for yourselves in this world … #i used to feel like i was on the edge of a massive cliff and one step forward i would fall but one step back would be safe #but now i feel like i’m on a REAAAAALLY narrow mountain standing eighth at the peak and every single point of space around me is a place i #will fall to my death #not literally guys lol just a metaphor #LSNDJXB well . life is tough ig. surprise 💀🙂 #i just don’t know what i’m doing . i miss being in love with everyday . i wish i was 8 yrs old again . i’m gonna rip my heart out .