#and I can walk but at what cost

[inkskinned]

i got rickrolled today but it didn't work because i have adblocker installed, so youtube just told me i violated the terms of service. yesterday i was trying to edit a picture as a joke for my girlfriend, and google made me check a box to prove i'm human because i wasn't "searching normally".

it isn't just that capitalism is killing fun and whimsy, it is that any element of entertainment or joy is being fed upon by this mosquito body, one that will suck you dry at any vulnerability.

do you want to meet new friends in your city? download this app, visit our website, sign up for our email list. pay for this class on making a terrarium, on candlemaking, on cooking. it will be 90 dollars a session. you can go to group fitness, but only under our specific gym membership. solve the puzzle, sign up for our puzzle-of-the-month-club. what is a club if not just a paid opportunity - you are all paying for the same thing, which makes you a community.

but you're like me, i know it - you're careful, you try the library meetings and the stuff at the local school and all of that. the problem is that you kind of want really specific opportunities that used to exist. you are so grateful for libraries and the publicly-funded things: they are, however, an exception - and everything they have, they've fought tooth-and-nail to protect. you read a headline about how in many other states, libraries have virtually nothing left.

do you want to meet up with your friends afterwards? gift your friends the discord app. you can choose to go to a cafe (buy a coffee, at least), a bar (money, alcohol) or you can all stay in and catch a movie (streaming) or you can all stay in bed (rent. don't get me started) and scream (noise complaint. ticket at least).

you want to read a new book, but the book has to have 124 buzzwords from tiktok readers that are, like, weirdly horny. you can purchase this audiobook on audible! your podcast isn't on spotify, it's on its own server, pay for a different site. fuck, at least you're supporting artists you like. the art museum just raised their ticket price. once, they had a temporary exhibit that acknowledged that ~85% of their permanent art galleries were from cis white men, and that they had thousands of works by women (even famous women, like frida! georgia o'keefe!) just rotting in their basement. that exhibit lasted for 3 months and then they put everything away again.

walmart proudly supports this strip of land by the street! here are some flowers with wilting leaves. its employees have to pay out-of-pocket for their uniforms. my friend once got fined by the city because she organized a community pick-up of the riverfront, which was technically private property.

no, you cannot afford to take that dance class, neither can i. by the way - i'm a teacher. i'm absolutely not saying "educators shouldn't be paid fairly." i'm saying that when i taught classes, renting a studio went from 20 bucks an hour to 180 in the span of 6 months. no significant changes to the studio were made, except they now list the place as updated and friendly. the heat still doesn't work in the building. i have literally never seen the landlord who ignores my emails. recently they've been renting it out at night as an "unusual nightclub; a once-in-a-lifetime close-knit party." they spent some of those 180 dollars on LEDs and called it renovating. the high heels they invite in have been ruining the marley.

do you want to experience the old internet? do you want to play flash games or get back the temporary joy of club penguin? you can, you just need to pay for it. i have a weird, neurodivergent obsession with occasionally checking in to watch the downfall and NFT-ification of neopets. if i'm honest with you all - i never got into webkins, my family didn't have the money to buy me a pointless elephant. people forget that "being poor" can mean literally "if i buy you that toy, i can't afford rent."

you and i don't have time to make good food, and we don't have the budget for it. we are not gonna be able to host dinner parties, we're not made of money, kid. do you want some kind of 3rd space? a space that isn't home or work or school? you could try being online, but - what places actually exist for you? tiktok counts as social media because you see other people on it, not because they actually talk to you.

there was a local winter tradition of sledding down the hill at my school. kids would use pizza boxes and jackets and whatever worked, howling and laughing. back in september, they made a big announcement that this time, rules were changing, and everyone must pay 10 dollars to participate. when im not scared shitless, i kind of appreciate the environmental irony - it hasn't gone below 40. so much for snow & joyriding.

i saw a bulletin for a local dogwalking group and, nervous about making a good first impression, showed up early. the first guy there grimaced at me. "sorry," he said. "there's a 30-dollar buy-in fee." i thought he was joking. wait. for what? the group doesn't offer anything except friendship and people with whom to walk around the city.

he didn't know the answer. just shrugged at me. "you know," he said. "these days, everything costs money."

#spilled ink #warm up #“why did u tag it warm up” bc i wrote it off the cuff while drinkin coffee lol #btw the 30 dollar buy in for the dog walking is bc they pay the organizer a small pittance so she can #run fb ads and stuff and like she does put in a lot of work i don't mind paying her #but that's exactly what im fucking talking about like. #ppl can't afford to volunteer their time anymore and we all understand it!!! everything costs money for everyone! #like we didn't have to use to say ''do you mind paying me back for the stuff we ate'' #we used to be able to afford to feed our friends once in a while!!!

[hoss-bonaventure]

love how saul, who is on a need-to-know-basis about most aspects of walt and jesse’s lives, outwardly refuses to fall victim to their weird tension. every character in breaking bad is tying themselves in knots trying to understand the obscure dynamic between this cranky geriatric and human puppy and the one guy who could probably give them a solid answer crawls into the corner of the room and shoves his fingers in his ears anytime they have one of their lovers spats.

#makes me laugh everytime when waltjesse is being they way they are #and in the corner you can make out one pixel of jimmy’s suit #he fully does not want to be there #he is making millions at what cost? #if i was judge i would let him walk free witnessing enough waltjesse fights is jail time in its own way #saul goodman #brba #breaking bad #walter white #jesse pinkman #waltjesse #better call saul #jimmy mcgill #vince gillian #aaron paul #bryan cranston #bob odenkirk

[chamerionwrites]

The last time I played even a little bit of Skyrim was during a summer 2020 pandemic fugue and yet I still periodically get walloped upside the head by brief unlooked-for fits of Ulfric Stormcloak Fascination. Absolute catastrophe of a man but in such interesting and varied ways. Geological strata of fuckery.

#WHAT a character. and sketched surprisingly lightly too #depth is neither a particular strength of the medium nor of bethesda generally nor of the game specifically which often feels unfinished #nevertheless in this case (despite being measured in inches) the characterization to the square inch is aspirational #(or maybe he’s just a huge mess and i like messes lmfao) #he’s got daddy issues he’s got religion issues he’s got gender issues he’s got raging ptsd and a guilt complex you can see from space… #he’s a walking sunk cost fallacy he’s a calculating politician he’s an incurable stupid romantic he’s a hypocrite he’s a true believer #he’s a victim he’s a perpetrator he’s a revolutionary he’s an aspiring ethnonationalist monarch he’s an embodied theological dispute… #truly an all you can eat buffet!!! #skyrim #my posts

[naamahdarling]

.

#the problem with moving is i am COMPLETELY disabled and my partner is and may remain able to work only part time #and we currently have a house and no rent or mortgage which is the ONLY reason we are making it #a circumstance WILDLY unlikely to duplicate itself #and cost of living here is among the lowest anywhere #so it's a matter of /literally/ not being able to afford to not just in the immediate sense but in the long term #neither of us can do apartments anymore either #so like...it really is a case of unless something radically changes this probably cannot happen #you don't leave a home that's paid for and that's just the most sound advice there is #and if we can get this thing with my dad cleared up we may indeed own the house outright and you don't walk away from that #it's possible that if a few things go exactly right we may BE able to sell the house and move but christ alone knows #what thst would do to my ssi

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is #all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much #because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions #mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect #and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it #it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter #but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but #mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read #cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about #how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron #separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward #the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not #allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i #talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand #so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday #and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having #a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself #sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like #reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for. #the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it #doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of #ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put #myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing #unrelated

[milkweedman]

ah, the ever-more-frequent Urge To Explode My Brain from unending migraines. a migraine that just lasts the day already sucks so bad. whole day is gone in a blur of pain and misery, right ? a migraine that lasts multiple days is sort of like if hell was real and you were in it. time has no meaning, only pain, etc.

months of migraines... with no break or end or effective treatment and also you still have to work and behave like a normal person because you cannot lie in bed for months not paying rent. well id describe it you but ive fucking lost the plot. its gone on so long and its so bad that when the migraine ISN'T at its peaking on the pain scale and making me feel like if i was hit by a truck that would be an improvement, i start to feel like my head is a vestigial organ that has been removed. cant access sensation in my head and it feels literally disconnected from my body. meanwhile the pain is still there (along with the brain fog, vertigo, nausea, etc) but it feels like its happening to somebody else.

#im kind of impressed that i can at this point carry a normal conversation (as good as i ever can. which is bad but irrelevant) #while being in agony and having been in agony for as long as i can remember #usually also with something dislocated just for some extra fun #because what i actually feel like doing 100% of the time is lighting myself on fire and/or screaming forever until i die #however thats the kind of shit that puts you in the psych ward again #so i am. smiling and making small talk while migraine auras wash out my vision and i try not to visibly dry heave #its really really really fucking bad. all the time so fucking bad. #i need to message my neurologist but likelihood of me doing that is low #because 1) the stuff she's put me on has so far done nothing but add intolerable side effects to the hell that i am already existing in #and 2) its fucking hard to do anything. even the bare minimum im not doing. so extra shit is just. not happening #i want to scream. #i am gonna. go for a walk and smoke a cigarette instead and then get really high because at least then i dont really care #the auras are making it really hard to see though. theyre like bleach all over my vision. just this wash of white #hhh. #chronic illness #chronic migraine #and its like. when my knee also gives out and it feels like theres metal in there slicing everything up with each tiny movement #or any of the other one million goddamn things broken in my body #i end up so overwhelmed by pain that i just want to lay on the floor and cry #at which point everyone around me gets mad that im not being productive and im costing them money and im not good enough #like ok kill me then. cheaper for you happier for me. just get a heavy object and go to town i would thank you for it #but i cant even say that because openly expressing suicidality just makes people angrier #im rapidly running out of fucks to give but also i will do anything to avoid returning to the psych ward #literally anything. morals out the window. i dont give a shit. #so its a catch-22. #vent

[kenobihater]

so i just met araj oblodra with astarion in my party and defended his personhood and allowed him the choice of declining to drink araj's blood bc that was the right thing to do, and then immediately upon ending the conversation with her i had my tav khazarrin ask if astarion would want to feed on him later at camp while still standing right in front of her and i felt sooo smug about it lmao

#like sorry araj! khaz may ALSO be a kinky drow who is 100% down for being astarion's walking bloodbank at the cost of his own well-being BUT #he actually respects his wishes and tries to give him what agency he can and treats him like a person!!! #tbh i highkey wish she had some unique dialogue for that happening in front of her but alas she does not #khaz the paladin #len speaks

[asheoninactive]

i need to like . make a post that like properly constructs my opinion on modern vocaloid music but like i swear they dont make music like they used to nowadays and it kind of blows

#ashe is rambling #like im listening to envy cat walk rn #and its crazy how much raw personality and energy and creativity went into it #you can somewhat blame how vocaloid has become more popular which all together is good for the genre on the surface #and it is thriving #but its like . #really is it #because while vocaloid has become a more popular and profitable music genre it comes at the cost of #corporate sanitization and making whatever sells #and im like #happy the genre has a reached a point where vocaloid has become more focused on music as a whole rather than just the characters #its still frustrating seeing a creativity drought among the most popular producers compared to what was being produced years ago #and like sure you can argue they became more professional and theyre more skilled at their craft which i guess is fine #but honest to god the charm of vocaloid to me is just . the vibe of guys making whatever sounds cool skill level and profitability be damne #all because miku cute #yaknow #idk #im a vocaloid boomer please understand this has been my special interest for like 9-10 years now #anyways tohma come back i miss you

[skunkg1rll]

🦩🌷🌺

#since the financial aid for my dentist visit came in today nd everything went smoothly #im gonna call at 7am tmrw nd hopefully get another emergency appt tmrw to fix my other tooth #i dislike going to the dentist but i need to just do it so i dont have to worry #since it isnt hurting constantly now nd only here nd there i dont feel as rushed to go #but i HAVE to tmrw bc if i wait it'll get even worse nd hurt even more #so imma force myself #i mean even last week when the other tooth hurt sm it was still painless to go #i make it into smth much bigger than it is #just need to relax as much as i can nd just force myself to go thru it #also im so thankful that i actually get financial aid for this bc otherwise i'd just die of tooth pain lol #i mean one visit is $80 but then u also add the treatment #nd depending on whats wrong u can walk away having to pay a crazy amount like $200 nd even more #it could cost $1000 and then u stand there like ummmmmm now what?!?! #so yeah blah blah anyway #im happy that it was so easy bc now im not scared to do it again. which i need to do bc i need my other tooth that still hurts a bit fixed

[silkysong]

it severely sucks that i have to bare my teeth at an entire medical team to get life saving medication that keeps my nervous system from eating itself alive. just my opinion

#getting to the point where i can barely walk without needing mobility aids if i miss out on my infusions and uhhhmng. they dont care <3 #im getting it today but at what cost. #❌vent

[applexi]

i don't have the balls to talk abt this in my other blog but holy fuck am i emotional over hollow looking back at ghost at that flashback i rewatched it just now and i feel awful for what would soon happen to hollow RAAAGGGH

#in the end.this whole vessel idea is a bad idea!!! even the pale king knew this was going to fail anyways!! #every vessel had a mind to think. they all did. hollow looked back at ghost for a brief moment before walking away #the way hollow looked at pale king feeling like a proud child to please their dad #ghost can have the option to be nice to others and that immediately derails the statement that they all have no mind to think #this is all so flawed man........ and hollow is just the same as the rest. all failed experiments aND THEY STILL JUST KEPT REPRODUCING MORE #i honestly feel bad for white lady. she loves to produce more vessels - its in her “blood” to do so but #if its at the cost of witnessing many of her offspring be ditched to the abyss with no love... then it's pointless #and so she coiled herself away in shame and never interacted with pale king ever again.... they live so far away #and now white lady has no idea what's happening outside #sorry im. #yeah

[coloursofaparadox]

maybe i just. dont find a soul killing second part-time job to get me thru until the str/ikes are over. maybe i just...learn to live on beans. beans and rice.

#quick what are the cheapest most cost-effective recipes you know #im going to go back to my roots and make a weekly batch of beans and rice #back when i was broke as shit i used to live off of markouts and kitchen accidents lmfao rip me #i think....beans and rice for sure. lots of potato dishes. canned goods too. i have frozen veggies for nutrition purposes #googling 'how to feed urself for $100 a month without unaliving' #urrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhh i want to go out and do things with my dog! ive been hiking! going for walks and jogging! swimming! #but doing those things requires energy which means i need to eat more if i want to do em but see previous tags: broke as shit

[fishingmaster69]

kindof losing my mind bc uhhhh. how am i supposed to like. afford to live.

#i am going to whisper in the tags bc i feel odd about YELLING my bs into the void #i do not have a job yet largely due to physical and mental disabilities #but when i DO start searching for one its like. 90% of online job listings out there are ghost listings #basically none of them hire disabled people and i have disabilities that REQUIRE accommodations #my job search is significantly narrower bc of my disabilities theres a ton of shit i just straight up cannot do #and they all pay about 1 ball of lint & two quarters. #i live in california which thankfully is (relatively) safe for me to transition #but its also. California. which is. Expensive. to live in. #and i have medications i NEED to be a functioning person monthly #on top of taking T at some point #so like ummmmm. chat am i fucked!!!!!!!!! #i could leave california but where do i even go thatd be safe for me AND affordable #its just so hard to get motivated to be independent right now when like. im 18 years old and i can barely walk anymore #im grieving my physical ability at 18 years old #i should be doing that at 70 #and everything costs So Much theres no fucking shot i find anywhere in california i could afford IF i can even FIND a fucking JOB I CAN DO #unless i wanna live with my mom forever (who is constantly wearing on my mental health and i DESPERATELY need some distance from) #or live in a literal closet for $2000 a month #what if i have to sacrifice my meds to pay rent i literally am not a functioning human without them so i 100% could not work while off them #idk shit looks so fucking bleak for everyone right now but being disabled makes it a hell of a lot worse #i used to be excited about being independent now i just kindof dread it. or it seems more like a pipe dream #i dont wanna live with my mom til im 25 yall #and transitioning is expensive. and my mom is not going to cover my medical bills lmfaoooo #and idk whats going on with my physical ability so im probably going to have to pay for more doctors appointments #and tests and TESTS AND TESTS #for possibly years #til they figure out what the fuck's wrong #just not excited to live in poverty bc i am a young person in america and basically every young person in america is living in poverty atm #and also not excited to live in a world where i walk with a cane at 18 #zep.txt

[nataliewaitegf]

lamenting the state of things in the tags </3

#it makes me so sad that i have to measure things i love against the cost of how much they will hurt my body now #i can hardly draw or paint anymore because holding a pen or brush is too hard on my hands after a few minutes #long walks used to be my favorite and now i only do it for the dogs because it’s just unnecessary pain otherwise #and ice skating + climbing which are two of my favorite things in the world #equal a day of barely being able to move from the pain for an hour or two of fun physical activity #it’s just . so frustrating and sad #i think im gonna be mourning this for a long time but idk . planning to go skating next week #& having to make sure i don’t work the next day because i physically wouldn’t be able to #and not even knowing if I’ll be able to on the day of because I might be in too much pain anyway #im just sad i guess #it’s getting so bad so fast and i don’t even know what ‘it’ is and I’m so tired . I just want to be able to do what i used to be able to do

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#yesterday i was wandering around the campus where ive resided these last 4 years bc ive banned myself from running until my leg heals #and i was thinking like. what am i gonna miss about this place when i leave? bc im always thinking abt the things i cant wait to get away #from. and its a real short list. ill miss the palm trees bc i never get sick of seeing thrm. theyre so weird #ill miss the yucca. again bc theyre so weird looking. ill miss the way u can see where all the ants r bc in the non human populated areas #there isnt grass everywhere bc desert. ill miss that there r so many birds of prey hanging around. and the road runners and all the lil #lizards. and maybe in an abstract way ill miss being so close to the boarder bc when u live near a boarder boarders feel like bullshit #like staring down the road into another country. idk theres something i like abt that. ill probably also miss being able to run outside #all year long bc in the winter during the day all u need is a light jacket lol. where im going it gets real cold 🥶 #maybe ill even miss the constant blue skies. but idk ive always liked a cloudy sky better. makes me think of home haha #ill def miss how convenient my apartment rn is. the loft bed. the low cost. the 5min walk to campus. sigh. but thats pretty much it. i #dont think ill miss anything else. im not really close with anyone. my boss was the reason i came here and she left this school in January #so thats it i guess. i think i stayed a year too long and was not well for a lot of my time here but so it goes #just gotta move to the next place. just gotta pray pray pray that i find an apartment soon. i dont even wanna say anything abt it bc im #afraid to jinx things. even tho thats irrational. like. i just gotta somehow project how good a tenant i am. im so quiet u will never see #me and i never complain abt anything bc i have brain problems. sigh. i cant wait for this transition to b over #im so so so ready to be in a new place doing new things. but at least my energy is back. im back to high energy on little sleep lol #i dont understand how my body functions lmao. somehow when i get a normal amount of sleep it's a sign that i feel awful #unrelated

[wellthatswhatithought]

im just SAYING that if anyone feels the need to move to a different state, MN has relatively excellent healthcare infrastructure and is about the most climate-change-hardy in the country, and i can set you up with an extensive network of earthy community-focused leftist queer friends

#the kind of queers that understand what healthy relationships look like and are comfortable in academic settings #but if you want artsy tenderqueers or grungepunks i can get you those too #jewish and pagan connections included; radical queer lutherans and other religious connections available upon request #do you need a witch with an msw to walk into your house unnanounced and start cooking you dinner on a Monday afternoon? #move to minneapolis #i have the best friends in the world and you can too for the low low cost of listening to me talk for 30 mins without breathing sometimes #they should pay me to write minnesota travel ads tbh #and if you're worried about moving to the frozen north just remember than i am from a southern california tourist beach town