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dazed--xx · 3 years

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Sold Your Soul

Request: Ooh could I request Yandere!Sugar Daddy! Seokjin¿

Member: HARD Yandere!sadist Jin x Reader

Genre: angst, yandere, (implied smut)

Word Count: 1,590

Trigger Warning: Yandere, Abuse, manipulation, pressured sex, handcuffed to a bed, hair pulling, name calling, whatever else I forgot to put sorry guys

A/N: MY FIRST JIN FIC thank you to the beautifully dark and non-descriptive soul for sending in this request, I hope you enjoy it and this finds you, I DO NOT CONSENT TO THIS BEHAVIOR IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED GET HELP, PLEASE. And with that being said send in more requests

Summary: Kim Seokjin, V.P. of Kim industries, powerful, wealthy, and charming. The sweetest heir to the Kim enterprise according to the public. You believed it, his overwhelming charm and confidence the mask for the demon within. Jīn has gotten whatever he wanted, and he wants you. With your contract only days from ending, Jin declares you’ve violated the contract and now you belong to him. Permanently.

(not my gif)

Month 5 day 22 10:42 pm

If anyone was to ask you how the past 5 months 22 days have been you’d say a secret nightmare, your provider was a ruthless and spoiled man. The onlookers would say you were lucky, the heir to Kim Enterprises was spoiling you with riches, paying your tuition, etc... The soft glow on his skin, his plump lips, his soft fragile image of the perfect son in the perfect family had shattered within 2 months. The abuse of his power and wealth over you, use of your safe word during sexual punishment would result in financial punishment. If you would have read the fine print in your contract with him you wouldn’t be handcuffed to his headboard as he released his anger, at his words “your betrayal”. Only hours ago, he was losing himself inside you, holding you in his arms fingers lightly tracing circles on your arms. How did you end up here?

*flashback*

Your hands curled around the bottom seam of your skirt griping it tightly. Your entire body shaking as the driver pulled to a stop in front of the large office building. Your mouth completely dries itself up. “Miss y/l/n Mr. Kim has requested you inform his assistant you have arrived from the front desk give them your name, then proceed to the 16th floor Mr. Kim's assistant will meet you right off the elevator she will give you further instructions. Have a nice day” his driver speaks soft and swiftly.

You shakily eye the building. Taking a soft nervous step your breath hitches in your throat. As you step into the building you look around everything seems to happen in the blink of an eye and soon you were rushed into his office. You turned to close the door behind you and you stared at the closed door in front of you and your hand stayed frozen on the handle.

“You can leave if you'd like but from what I know so far Miss Y/l/n you need me more than I need you” His velvety voice rang through your ears. “Come. Sit.” he said with a more commanding tone. As your eyes trailed over the luxurious office, I do not belong here you thought. Your legs acting on your own as you find your way in the chair placed in front of his desk eyes never once leaving the floor. “you're nervous” he states softly. You nod softly, a blush creeping on your face.

You hear him lift himself off his chair and soon you can feel his hand on your shoulder, he lowers his body kneeling in front of you. “Do I make you uncomfortable y/n” his hand lifting my head to face him I shake my head “n-no sir” my meek voice barely over a whisper. “Have you read over the contract miss y/l/n?” you nod taking in his handsome features. The curve of his lips, the playful innocence in his voice. “All of it?” you nod lying to him, you dozed off reading the contract around the termination clauses. “And you're............experienced?”

“yes, sir I'm here to please” you reached into your bag and handed him the contract. “Well miss y/l/n consider your student loans and your sisters medical expenses paid for, now that business is taken care of on your knees beautiful let's see how eager you are to please” He stated standing straight up unzipping his pants. You stared at him in shock, how did he know about your sister.

*present* -Month 5 day 22 10:23 pm

You weren't sure what you had said to set Jin off but he was livid. Your terrified state only encouraged his anger. He got off on your misery, he was enamored by the beauty of your face as tears streamed down it. The way you would shake like a chihuahua if he so much as looked at you a certain way. You had fallen into your submissive role the second you handed him the contract. He knew he loved you the moment he saw you that day walking home from work. A man in Jins position had wealth and anyone at his disposal to keep an eye on you and report back. He knew everything about you before he even presented you with the 6-month contract. Even though he had paid off all your expenses before you even knew he existed.

He praised you when you did well, punished you when you acted out. He loved you and you loved him well he thought you loved him. As the days got closer to the 6-month mark Jin heard you making arraignments to leave his side and find another place to live. He thought it was just cold feet you were scared of your love and maybe he just needed to remind you who you belonged to and everything would be alright. Until you came to him with an apartment you had put a down payment on, wishing you could begin slowly moving your things in to adjust from the past 6 months as you put it.

His anger only grew as you continued about the life you wished to lead after you leave him. He could only see red as his hand strikes you. He continuously shoves you back until your pressed against the wall. His hand finding its way to your throat, “who the fuck told you that you could use my own money to pay for some silly thing like an apartment, you aren't leaving y/n” he growled forcing his lips on yours “who put that stupid idea in your weak mind? Your sister? Your mother? Or are you a fucking whore y/n?” you wince as he adds pressure to your throat “that's it isn't it! Who is he? Ill fucking kill him” you look at him terrified words fighting their way out

“NO-ONE! P-please get off me, I-I s-swear there's been no one b-but yo---’LYING BITCH WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BE SO DESPARATE TO GET AWAY FROM ME Y/N I LOVE YOU; YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT YOURE NOT LEAVING ME Y/N” He yanked your arm roughly, dragging you to your room. He grabs the handcuffs he keeps in the night stand beside the bed. Wrapping one of the cold cuffs around your wrist, he yanks it pulling you across the room. “N-no Jin please! I can be good I-I can b-be go-od p-please!” you scream as you grab onto the door.

The pain in your wrist growing stronger. Jins face is now red “what did you call me” his voice is low the burning sensation in your wrist turning to throbbing as Jin stares at you. Your eyes widen as you force the door open, as your small figure makes it past the frame you can feel his hand in your hair, the burning sensation scratching its way through your head.

The tears burning your eyes as you scream in pain “PLEASE HELP ME SOMEONE PLEASE!”

You fight back but its utterly useless and he handcuffs you to your headboard “I fucking help you, you piece of trash. I give you everything! Everything I have y/n, you want me you have that you want my money I’ll transfer it all to you every last cent. I've bought you clothes food trips for you and your waste of space sister, I've given you freedom and respect and all I get in return for my love and kindness is disrespect, infidelity, and used. You want to know why your other Doms got rid of you y/n?” your eyes travel from the ceiling to his face.

The hurt evident, “it's because you’re a gold-digging whore y/n you want money and that’s it you don’t care about how people feel you don’t care about love or anything you fuck anyone that will give you a bigger pay check and leave a trail of broken hearts. But I'm not one of those men y/n I'd rather kill you than live without you” he states standing frozen in the middle of the room his hand pulling a gun out from behind his back, pointing it right at you. “so, y/n do you want to die?”

Your heart raced as you shook your head rapidly the tears rapidly flowing down your cheeks. “N-no p-please s-sir, I-ill d-do anything” his small huffs turning into a hearty laugh as he points the gun to his head, slowly rubbing it against his temple

“It doesn’t matter if you want to leave it doesn’t matter if you want your own apartment. You violated your part of the NDA, Y/n by exposing our relationship and arrangement to your pathetic little sister you CAN’T leave, I mean I could sue you but I already know you don’t have that kind of money. Didn’t know when to bring it up but I felt now was a good a time as any. So, you see Babygirl you belong to me and the only way you're leaving me is death either by my hand or your own” he places his body on top of yours “and I hope for your sake its by your own, you know how I like to see you cry and bleed baby” his lips capture yours as your tears mix with the taste of his tongue.

You closed your eyes as his hard long member enters your core, erasing the misery from your mind as you breathlessly moan “sir”

you’ve sold your soul to the devil and He’s here to collect.

#jin angst #kim seokjin #jin yandere #jin fluff #jin smut #bts seokjin #seokjin angst #seokjin x reader #seokjin yandere #seokjin fluff #seokjin smut #bts #BTS request

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kilodalton · 3 years

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So I see a post from TikTok making its way around Tumblr about how prior authorizations are awful and corporatist and stand in the way of mom, America, apple pie, unsuspecting patients, and their earnest and well-meaning doctors. Bring out the guillotines etc etc.

I made it through the first 5 seconds of that video before rolling my eyes because frankly, dude doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

For the purposes of this diatribe informational post, PA means “prior authorization” NOT physicians assistant. So if I say “PAs suck” please do take that into consideration before reaming me out.

Ok so what are my credentials to spout off on this?

1) You can call me Dr. Kilodalton. I’m a double-board certified clinical pharmacist with a doctorate in my field on top of 2 years of post-doc residencies.

2) I work for one of the largest single-payer government systems in the world. I have ZILCH to do with corporations, capitalism, or guillotines. (I’ll let you guess .. cannot confirm nor deny my employer lol) ... which leads to:

3) I evaluate prior authorization requests as part of my job every single day. I approve them! I deny them! I sometimes say “get a load of this boneheaded request!!” and make fun of them to my colleagues! YES SINGLE-PAYER SYSTEM USE PAS JUST AS MUCH IF NOT MORE THAN CORPORATIONS DO! Hell, I even submit some PAs myself if I think one of my patients can benefit.

All of this EMINENTLY qualifies me to say, much more so than some dude on TikTok whose voice hasn’t even cracked yet: PAs are (usually) a necessary evil.

Why do I speak this BLASPHEMY?! This SACRILEGE?!? Am I a corporate shill (who doesn’t work for a corporation) who hates patients (even though I devote my career to their care) and wants poor people to die (even though I work for a single-payer system that treats people regardless of ability to pay?)

The answer is easy: I actually ... kinda know what I’m talking about. Here are some facts:

PAs can save your life: PAs are usually required for risky drugs. Just because a drug is risky does not mean the underlying disease state it is treating always balances the risk. A lot of times, safer drugs are available.

PAs are almost universally required for shiny new drugs that Big Pharma is trying to line their pockets with: New drugs get advertised all the time. Patients ask their prescribers for the drugs. The prescribers often don’t know any better and put in PA requests for them. Stunningly often, there is no reason given for the request other than “patient saw the ad on TV and asked me about it.” Yes. Seriously. If you guys support that ... you must own a LOT of pharma stock.

PAs make things less expensive (usually). Because PA drugs are usually brand new, brand name only, and expensive AF, requiring a PA brings down costs for the system as a whole. This matters a lot -- even in a single payer organization like mine. By giving everyone -- regardless if they need it or not -- expensive drugs, less money is available to help other people. Money doesn’t grow on trees, even in single payer systems.

Your docs -- especially your primary care docs -- usually know jack squat about drugs: You would (probably) be appalled to learn that your average MD takes 2 pharmaceutical modules in med school. That’s it. Usually (but not always), specialists are much better about knowing their stuff ... but your average first-line doc does not have the training to determine what meds should be used when, how to assess their efficacy, how to monitor them, and when to triage to a specialist.

PAs make sure your doc is monitoring you the way they should: This falls through the cracks A LOT. If you are on a fancy drug that requires a PA, you probably assume your doc is regularly checking to make sure that, among other things, your kidneys can cope with the dose. Shockingly few docs do this (well it’s not shocking to ME that they don’t check, but I see it every damn day). PAs help us make sure that requested doses are safe -- often, they are not.

PAs make sure you actually have the condition your doctor says you have: I cannot stress this enough. It seems crazy, but it’s true. If you tell your doctor “I have ABC condition” they will likely add it to your medical record, even without testing you for it or looking at previous medical records you have. The problem is, sometimes you really don’t have ABC condition ... so if they try to prescribe you a drug for ABC condition when they have not independently confirmed you have it, problems can (and do) arise.

Here are just a few examples off the top of my head of boneheaded PAs I’ve happily denied. Trust me, there are LOADS more where this comes from. My former office mate and I used to half-joke we should write a freaking book. Anyway, on to the dumb PAs that TikTok dude would have me rubberstamp because TheyComeFromADoctor:

The one that would have given a patient a stroke. One MD wrote a PA for short-acting nifedipine -- a blood pressure drug that is only given inpatient because, unless closely monitored, it basically causes your blood pressure to ping-pong, ischemia to develop, and voila a stroke. I denied it because I wanted the patient to ... uh, ya know, live.

The one for dementia in a patient who did not have dementia. Some drugs are basically one-trick ponies. Rivastigmine is used for a few things -- mainly dementia, but very specific kinds. It can actually WORSEN cognition in some kinds of dementia. Which is why docs are supposed to get an actual diagnosis before prescribing such things. If I had a dime for every time they don’t check ... I would have a crap ton of dimes.

The high-intensity blood thinner for a patient whose blood ... was thinning just fine on its own. For whatever reason, a patient thought they might have a clotting condition and told their doctor. Their doctor, who didn’t double check this, and ordered them a mega blood thinner that requires a PA. We asked for test results, and lucky we did -- the patient was clotting just fine on their own, and use of this drug in that population can lead to hemorrhage.

The one that was causing an autoimmune reaction in a patient. Some drugs cause the body to attack itself, and you need to check for antibodies before you prescribe it. One doc ordered the antibody test but apparently didn’t check the results before ordering the drug for the patient ... uh. Yeah. Hard nope on that one.

The one that would have caused an overdose. Some narcotics require PAs. One doc apparently can’t math very well, and ordered a huge narcotic dose for an opioid-naive patient. Luckily a PA was required: obviously, I quashed it.

The one that would have harmed a pregnant patient. Some drugs can’t be used in pregnancy. Some docs don’t think to ask if a patient is pregnant before trying to prescribe drugs linked to fetal malformations. Luckily, I picked up the phone to double-check with the patient when I saw no recent pregnancy test in her chart. Guess what?!

Anyway. This post is not sexy. This post is not fun. This post is not pro-pharma, and this post is not pro-corporate (again -- hello!! I work for a single payer here!!)

What this post IS -- is chock full of inconvenient information from a person who actually is in student loan debt to her eyeballs because she kinda knows what she’s talking about.

And hopefully - HOPEFULLY -- this post is also helpful to someone.

Much love -- Dr. Kilodalton

#healthcare #single payer healthcare #health insurance #prior authorization #american health system

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freddiesaysalright · 4 years

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Soft in Love Part 5

A Gwilym Lee x Student!Reader Fic

Summary: Y/N is an acting student in her last semester of college. When a professor unexpectedly can’t make it for the senior capstone class, a very famous (and handsome) substitute is called in. When they connect, they face a few challenges.

Word Count: 2.8k

Tag List: @psychosupernatural, @someone-get-a-medic, @bensrhapsody, @deakyclicks, @crazylittlethingcalledobsession, @minigranger, @crazyweirdocalledfriday, @benders-diamond-earring, @im-an-adult-ish, @anincurablefangirl, @kiainspace, @lookuptotheskiesandsee, @god-save-the-deaks, @assembledherethevolunteers, @misslolasworld, @not-john-watsons-blog, @spacedustmazzello, @theindiealto, @riddikuluslypotter, @depressedbitchxox, @tenement-funstah, @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls, @sarablog10 If you’d like to be added, let me know!

A/N: OMG we’re halfway through the story! So glad y’all are enjoying this one :)

Warning(s): Fluff and angst. Lost of pining, once again. Are y’all regretting the slow burn vote yet? I SURE AM. lmao

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Part 5 here we go!!!

Over the coming weeks, the show was really coming along. As Fall Break approached, Gwilym felt confident in the progress the class had made and he told Dr. Bennett so when he spoke to her over Skype. She was thrilled.

“I’m so glad you were able to do this,” she said. “How’s Y/N doing? I haven’t heard from her in a while.”

“She’s…” Gwilym trailed off.

He remembered the past weeks of being in class with you. How you always showed up early and that precious ten minute period of just the two of you. Talking together, laughing together, and sharing brief, fleeting touches. It meant more to him than he could really put to words.

“She’s perfect,” he said.

Dr. Bennett raised an eyebrow at him.

“Perfect?”

“Yeah,” he said, clearing his throat. “At her role.”

She still looked skeptical. She opened her mouth as if to push the issue further, but closed it again. It was probably better she didn’t know the answers to her questions.

“And Andrew and Sloan?” she went with instead.

“Also wonderful,” he told her. “Edith is hitting on me again, which is rather obnoxious, but I’m dealing with it.”

“How?” she asked.

“By ignoring her as much as possible,” he said.

She chuckled. “Good luck with all that.”

“How are you and the baby?”

“I’m hormonal as shit, and more tired than I can ever remember, but otherwise fantastic,” she said.

As if summoned by the mere mention of him, the baby wailed from somewhere off to the side. She sighed.

“Gotta go,” she said. “Time to feed him.”

“Good luck,” he returned.

They said goodbye and hung up. Then Gwilym’s own stomach growled. He closed his laptop and headed for the dining hall, not wanting to be cooped up in Dr. Bennett’s office any more. Sure, there were some things that needed grading, but they could wait.

He walked, mulling over once again what Dr. Bennett had said in that first phone call. Be careful there. He had a feeling he knew what she meant. He was full on crushing on you, which was not something he had felt since he was your age.

But that was just the thing. You were so much younger. And he was still your professor. Any relationship would have to wait. Even then, how accepted would you be? The age gap was still frowned upon, even after you no longer had the teacher/student dynamic. Not to mention that after the semester was over, Gwilym was going home to London, and you were hoping to be in Los Angeles.

As he made his way to the dining hall, he ran into Dr. Edy, one of the journalism professors at the school. She was very kind to Gwilym when he had gotten lost finding his office for the semester, and since then they had remained sort of friends. He greeted her warmly.

“Hi, Caroline,” he said. “How are you?”

“Great, Gwilym, how are you?” she returned with a smile.

Across the courtyard, you stood with Sloan and Andrew. You hadn’t noticed Gwilym right away, but when you did, your heart sunk. He was with Dr. Edy, and looked very happy to be there. She was touching his arm and beaming at him. She wasn’t quite as aggressive as Edith, but the intention was the same. She was attracted to Gwilym.

And how could she not be? He was so talented and kind and funny and handsome. It was all the same things you thought of him. You just couldn’t act on it because of some rules you now fully considered dumb and arbitrary. That was probably your frustration talking, but you were done ignoring it.

In the weeks since the party, you and Gwilym had become even closer. Those ten minutes before each class period were more sacred to you than any religious service you could remember. You never missed a class or your unspoken appointments.

Those minutes contained everything. Getting to know each other, joking around, little bits of private rehearsal. Each one brought you a step closer to Gwilym. Your feelings for him - which you had acknowledged only to yourself - were beyond friendship. Though you were content to keep it there for now and keep you both out of trouble. You couldn’t help but hope that maybe, after the semester was done, something more could come of it.

Now, as you watched him with another woman - one his age, who was available, and would not cost him his job - you were hit with such a pang of jealousy it nearly knocked you over. Your chest felt constricted as your eyes followed them into the dining hall. He had not even glanced your way. They disappeared through the door and your heart ached at what would happen after. They’d share a meal together. Like a date.

“Hello?” Sloan said, bringing you back to her. “Y/N, you in there?”

“What? Yeah. Sorry. What did you say?” you replied.

“My coworkers are throwing a party before Fall Break,” Andrew said. “You interested?”

“Oh,” you said. “No, not really.”

“It won’t be like last time,” he went on. “These people have morals.”

You laughed lightly.

“I know, but I’m just not that into parties,” you said. “I’d rather stay in. I’m reading this book Gwilym loaned me and I’d rather have that, with a glass of wine, in my own room.”

“God, you’re lame,” Sloan groaned.

Andrew frowned, as he always did whenever you talked about Gwilym. Or mentioned him in passing as you did now.

“Come on, Y/N, please?” he pressed. “It’ll help you get your mind off of -”

He stopped himself. You narrowed your eyes at him.

“Finish that sentence,” you said.

“It doesn’t matter,” he muttered, running a nervous hand through his hair.

“If you have something to say, Andrew, just say it,” you insisted. “I’m getting tired of your passive aggressive comments.”

“Fine,” he snipped. “I was going to say it’ll help get your mind off Gwilym. There. You happy?”

“Not even close,” you returned. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You know what it means, don’t play dumb,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “You’re obsessed with him.”

“Obsessed?!” you cried. “That’s a strong word, I think!”

“Do you?” he shot back. “Because Gwilym’s all you ever talk about anymore. ‘Gwilym loaned me this book,’ ‘Gwilym told me this joke,’ ‘Gwilym’s so great!’”

His tone was high-pitched and mocking, making your stomach turn with anger.

“Fuck you, Andrew,” you said. “You’re just jealous because you’re too much of a coward to tell me how you really feel. So you take it out on me when I get close to anyone else.”

Andrew sucked in a sharp breath and stormed off across the grass. Sloan’s mouth fell open as she looked between you and his slowly disappearing form.

“Well, that escalated quickly,” she said.

“I’m sick of him!” you cried. “He was a dick to Dan last year because we started dating, and now because I’m friends with Gwil, he’s being an ass about him too! If Andrew thinks he’s so perfect for me, why doesn’t he stop fucking around and make a move? And if he’s not willing to do that, I wish he’d just shut the hell up!”

Sloan’s expression was difficult to read. She was clearly torn.

“What?” you snapped. “Am I wrong?”

“No,” she said slowly. “But neither is Andrew. It’s hard to admit how you feel about someone, Y/N. And he’s been in love with you basically since you met.”

You blinked, your anger fading into shock.

“Andrew’s in love with me?” you questioned.

She sighed. “Yes. So could you please show a little more sympathy?”

“I’ll show him some sympathy when he deserves it,” you said, getting heated again. “But mocking me like that...that’s just disrespectful.”

“I’ll give you that,” she said. “But again, he’s not necessarily wrong.”

“You think Gwilym is all I talk about anymore?”

“Maybe not all you talk about, but he comes up more than should be expected, I think,” she said. “Look, I’m gonna go find Andrew. He’s probably upset.”

“So, what, you’re just gonna leave me on my own for lunch?” you questioned.

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” she said. “I just...I know he’s more upset than you right now. I live with him, I see it every day how much he...” she trailed off.

“Fine,” you said hotly. “Choose him. Whatever.”

“I’m not picking a side,” she said gently. “But Andrew isn’t as strong as you and he needs a friend right now.”

You softened. “Sorry, I don’t want to put you in the middle, it’s just…”

She put a hand on your shoulder. “I know. See you later, okay?”

“Later,” you replied.

You watched her fade into the crowd. With an irritated huff, you adjusted your backpack and walked into the dining hall. You weren’t hungry anymore, so you just got a coffee and went to find a table. There, you pulled out the book Gwilym gave you and began reading. It was difficult to focus on the words, since your mind was still reeling from your confrontation with Andrew. And what Sloan said.

You had never considered that Andrew’s feelings were strong enough to be love. A crush, infatuation, even lust maybe. But love? That seemed a bit much.

With a sigh, you closed the book, leaned on the table, and buried your face in your hands. Were you being too hard on him? Maybe you should open the door for him to talk about it and clear the air. Would that mean the end of the friendship, though?

“Y/N, are you alright?”

Your head snapped up as you heard the voice which had become the most beloved to you. Gwilym stood there, a concerned furrow to his brow and an inviting look in his eyes. Behind him, and slightly to the right, stood Dr. Edy.

“I’m okay,” you lied. “I think.”

Gwilym turned to Dr. Edy. “I’ll see you around, Caroline. Thanks for lunch.”

“Anytime,” she returned, slightly confused as her eyes flickered between you and your teacher. “Have a good day.”

Looking disappointed, she walked away. Gwilym took a seat beside you. The smell of him wafted over as he did. You had become familiar with the scent, as it still clung to the hoodie which remained in your possession. You wore it nightly, so it was faint, but still there.

“What’s going on?” he asked gently.

“Just my dumb friends,” you sighed. “Andrew has it pretty bad for me, and things sort of escalated. I feel bad.”

His smile faltered at the mention of Andrew’s feelings.

“Have you done something wrong?” he wondered.

“I don’t think so,” you said. “I think I was harsh, but I was honest. He acted like kind of an asshole, but...I suppose he was being harshly honest too.”

“You’ll work it out,” he said. “You’re good friends. And feelings like that can often make things...complicated. But that doesn’t mean you can’t stay close. If Andrew really cares about you and wants you in his life, your friendship will mean more to him than hurt pride.”

A beat passed.

“That is...unless you feel the same way about him?”

You shook your head. “No. I’ve never felt anything more than friendship for him.”

Gwilym inwardly cursed himself for feeling so relieved.

“Everything will work out,” he said. “I know everyone says that, but most of the time, it’s true.”

You chuckled. “Yeah, I hope so.”

“Now, how are you enjoying the book?” he asked.

“I’m loving it!” you said excitedly.

“I knew you would!” he replied. “I’m so glad!”

“Thanks so much for the recommendation,” you said. “Really captivating stuff. The way this author writes, the words she uses, I just...wow. It’s beautiful.”

“It really is,” he agreed. “The use of nature in her metaphors was a pattern I picked up on and really enjoyed.”

“Me too!” you gasped. “It’s really a wonderful story.”

“I’m thrilled you like it,” he said.

You chatted with Gwilym for another hour or so and then he brought up the break.

“So, will you be going home for Fall Break?” he asked.

“Nah,” you said, shaking your head. “I never go home for breaks if I can help it.”

“Why not?” he wondered.

“My relationship with my parents is complicated at best,” you said, unsure why this was coming so easily. You normally hated to talk about your family. “They don’t exactly approve of my career choice and it never fails to come up.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said. “Why don’t they want you to pursue acting? You’re amazing.”

You flushed. “Thank you. But, they just don’t think it’s stable enough. I told you they work in a restaurant, right?”

He nodded. “You did.”

“Well, because of that, money was always tight,” you said. “They’re afraid I won’t make it and end up like them.”

“That’s not really fair to you,” he said.

“It makes sense, though,” you replied. “My mom wanted to be a dancer, and started to go to school for that. She got injured and poof! The dream was gone. My dad wanted to sing, but got rejected again and again. So he gave up. They don’t have any faith that the arts is a place where someone like me can succeed.”

“You’ve already succeeded,” he pointed out. “You got yourself the scholarship. You’re starring in the show. You’re nearly graduated. Do they not see that as success?”

“No,” you said. “Without a dollar sign, they don’t.”

“Do they think you’re really not talented enough?” he wondered.

“They would have no way of knowing,” you told him. “They’ve never seen me perform.”

“Well, I think if they -”

“They can’t afford to come here,” you cut across him. “New York is expensive, and I don’t have space for them in my dorm.”

He opened his mouth and closed it again, stumped.

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

“It’s fine,” you said, and you both knew you were lying. “It is what it is.”

“If there’s anything I can do -”

You cut him off again. “Oh, no, I could never ask that of you.”

“I’m offering,” he insisted.

Your eyes welled up with tears at his willingness to help. He reached out and took your hand for the first time since he had rescued you from the party. And yet, it was as if he’d always done it. Like a habit. It was familiar to you both.

“You’re a smart, talented, wonderful girl,” he said as you met his eyes. Those eyes which had long ago won your heart. “If no one else believed in you, I would. I do.”

You took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in your throat.

“Thank you,” you said, barely audible, and you squeezed his hand. “Thank you so much.”

The next class was the day before break. You arrived early, excited to see Gwilym again after your talk the day before. Your heart lurched each time you thought about it. And you had gone to sleep that night, snuggled in his hoodie, and remembering that he believed in you.

“Hey, Y/N,” said Andrew.

He was standing outside the door, looking guilty and tired.

“Hey,” you said stiffly.

“Can we talk?” he asked.

“Sure,” you agreed. “Wanna go in?”

He nodded. You entered the auditorium and to your dismay, Gwilym wasn’t there. You held back a disappointed sigh and you and Andrew went to the front. You leaned against the stage, folding your arms over your chest, and looked at him expectantly.

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” he said. “I shouldn’t have mocked you like that, it was shitty. And I’m sorry for what I said.”

You nodded.

“I’m sorry too,” you said. “I shouldn’t have called you a coward. That was harsh.”

“It was,” he said with a chuckle. “But, the thing is, you were right, Y/N. I have been a coward.”

A jolt of nerves went through you. Was he about to confess?

“The truth is, I’ve fallen for you,” he said.

Shit, you thought.

“Hard. I think about you all the time. I want you like I’ve never wanted anyone before. I just - I see you, and everything stops. Your eyes, your smile, you voice. All of it makes me feel - like the movies and poets say - like you’re the only thing I am ever going to want.”

Your face froze as you watched him spilling his feelings. A wall went up around you because you couldn’t accept them. But the words he said had you scared stiff. It was the same way you felt about Gwilym.

“Andrew, I -”

He cut you off by pulling you close and crashing his lips onto yours. You let out a surprised yelp and then struggled against him, keeping your lips firmly closed. With a surge of strength you shoved him away, breathless and furious. You opened your mouth to begin telling him off, but a sound stopped you. The sound of the auditorium door closing. You turned your head and saw that Gwilym had just walked in.

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thehopefuldandelion · 4 years

Text

Not Him

Thank you @tindomrl for nagging my lazy butt to write this.

here for ao3. here for fanfiction.net

everlark.

I do not own any of these characters:)

***

“No, not him. Not fucking Peeta Mellark. He can’t be here.” I whisper to Annie while smoothing down my blazer and dress pants.

Peeta Mellark. The epitome to my existence. I am content, I have a steady boyfriend and a soon to be great job. He can’t be here to ruin it.

It all started on a balmy, summer day in 2nd grade. He pushed me off those darned yellow swings causing painful scrapes to appear on my knees and rough mulch to tangle in my hair. We grew up together in Panem, a small town in Oregon. I always liked him even though we never talked. And then that fucker pushed me off the swings. I know what you are thinking, “Katniss you were a little girl get over it”. There were other instances. In middle school, he won the award of having the most attendance which I was second to by 1 singular day. Darned flu. Or in Sophomore year when he spilled punch all over my dress at Homecoming on purpose. It gets even better, though. I was Valedictorian for our Senior Class and guess what he did when he found out. He stole my cap and gown. I’m not shitting you. He did and I will never forget it. This is why I hate Peeta Mellark. He’s a stickup, selfish prick and I, Katniss Everdeen, will never forgive him.

“Katniss, I’m sure he just works here,”she said reassuringly.“I doubt he’s here for the interview”.

“I hope so,” I mumbled under my breath.

My attention is focused on the man who had just come out of an office. No way. No fuckin’ way. How was I supposed to know that the very company I wanted a job at, was CEO’d by none other than Peeta Mellark. He looks around the room and locks eyes with me before saying,“Thank you all for coming today. As you are aware I am in need of a new secretary because my past employee is on maternity leave. Good luck!”

And with that Peeta Mellark walks back into his office, and calls the first interviewee in.

It seems that 2 hours pass until I am called in. I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants and take a deep breath. Why am I so nervous? What if he remembers me? Oh god. What if he brings it-

“Ms. Everdeen, I presume?”he asks cutting into my thoughts.

“Yes that is correct,”I respond while shaking his warm, calloused hand.

I briefly look up and lock eyes with him. Oh, those blue eyes and floppy curls. How did I ever hate this man. His past slender teenage figure has evened out, shown through the broad shoulders and muscular arms that make up his physique. He is hot. No not just hot, beautiful. Katniss, snap out of it. You have a boyfriend for God sakes. You loathe him.

“Wait...Katniss?”Peeta inquires with a glowing look on his face.

I pause, thinking of how to go about this. Do I pretend not to know him. This could cost me a job. Ah, what do I do?

“Peeta. It’s so good to see you again. How has life been treating you?”

“It’s been what, 7 years? Wow. Everything is going well for me. At least pertaining to the business. My love life is nonexistent and-well, I should probably stop before I get into it. “Peeta stared deeply into my eyes before glancing at his desk,”Anyway, why do you want to work at Mellark Enterprises?”

“My sister, Prim, is in medical school and I want to help her with student loan. Not only that but I need to pay my rent and pay bills and-”

“Ms. Everdeen, Katniss, calm down. It’s ok.” he says while reaching towards my hand and holding it.“Ignoring all the bills to be paid and debts to pay off, why do you really want to work here, Katniss?”

I look at our joined hands and quickly unclasp them, moving my hand to rest on top of my thigh. I can still feel the warmth from his large one. “Honestly, I didn’t even know this was your company. I just want a job and thought that being a secretary was a great way to start.”

Peeta peered at me with those baby blue eyes causing me to squirm in my seat. “Thank you, Katniss. I will go over your resume and get back to you if you get the position.”

As I embarked on the journey from the chair to the door, I heard Peeta say something the made my heart stop, “I look forward to seeing you soon, Ms. Everdeen.” He gave me a crooked grin causing butterflies to erupt in my stomach. Crap. What is he doing to me.

And with that I left the room.

***

Annie calls me later that afternoon and I recall all that had happened today.

“I can’t believe it was him. Why him? Of all the 7 billion people on this earth he could be my boss.”

“I mean, Katniss, you don’t have to take the job when you get it.”

“If I get it and I need this job, though. No one else is hiring.”I searched for days but not a single business needed another employee. I felt a spark of hope when I saw the neon pink flyer stating a secretary position at Mellark Enterprises was available, that is, until him.

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you Katniss. He can’t be that bad. When you get the job just take it. I don’t think you'll regret it,” Annie instructed me.

With a groan, I told Annie bye and hung up.

I hope I don’t regret this.

Behind me, I hear the sound of the door to the apartment opening. Thank goodness Gale was home.

“Hey Catnip,” Gale greets me with a peck while taking off his tie.

“Hey,” I respond unenthusiastically,”How was your day?”

“Great, actually. You know the new intern I was telling you about?”

“Yeah. Madge?”

“Yup. God, she's great, Katniss. I’m so glad I snatched her up before anyone else could get their claws in her.”

“That’s great, babe,” I say while peering at him skeptically. He has shown more and more interest in her since, well, 2 months ago. I trust Gale. Yeah we have our spats and our fiery personalities don’t exactly fit perfectly but I couldn't live without him. He’s my rock. He has been since we were 10 and met in the woods of all places. Both our dads liked to hunt so we always went along and one day we bumped into each other, literally.

I’ve noticed that Gale and I seem to be distancing ourselves form each other. Not purposefully, but we don’t have that connection we used to have. Ugh, just another thing to add to my overflowing plate. There was time when we would kiss passionately until we were exhausted and would go on dates almost every night but times have changed. Is it possible to fall out of love with someone because if it is, I am with Gale. Now, don’t take that the wrong way. I’m not breaking up with him. It’s relieving to have someone to talk to but I just don’t feel what I used to. Maybe I am going crazy.

“Hey, babe?” Gale called out to me from the living room bringing my thoughts back to reality.

“Yeah,”I responded hoping he wanted more from me than to bring him dinner.

“Can you get me some milk?”

“Fine,” I unwillingly grumbled back. When I brought it to him he had a dismissive attitude towards me and added on to what he previously said.

“I have a convention for work so I won’t be home over the weekend.”

“Ok, that’s great. I’ll just stay with Annie.” I didn’t want to be alone.

“Sounds good, Catnip.”

He would be the death of me.

***

A week or two goes by with no word from Peeta about the job. I might as well admit defeat. Yet again, Peeta frickin Mellark decides to ruin my life.

After grabbing my yoga mat and putting on leggings and a t-shirt, I go meet up with Annie for our twice a week zen class. The classic “Downward Dog” and “Balasana” always calm me down.

Afterwards, we hit a coffee shop where Annie’s fiancé, Finnick, waits.

“Hey, hon,” Annie tells him lovingly. “Aw, you got me my favorite. Thanks.” She then proceeds to give him a languid kiss causing me to turn away.

Sometimes I wish Gale and I were more like Annie and Finnick. Our kisses aren’t “languid” and he always get me coffee which I hate. I know, I know I could just break up with him but I don’t want to lose his company or friendship. Woe is me.

“So, Finnick, what have you been up to?” I asked him.

“Oh, you know, getting drunk, killing mobsters, giving my beautiful fiancé the best of everything,” Finnick replies, giving Annie doe eyes. “I forgot to tell you, I invited a friend to join us so I hope that's ok.”

“Thats fi-,”I stop myself.

Peeta Mellark, the very same Peeta Mellark who could be my boss, was walking towards the table.

In my trashy t-shirt and ratty leggings with sweaty hair sticking to my forehead I knew I looked awful.

*sniff sniff* And smelled awful.

Shit.

I glare at Finnick and scowl. I hope he feels the pain I’m experiencing.

“Katniss, hey!” Peeta made no comment towards my outfit or smell so that’s a good sign.

I cleared my throat before saying,”Hello, Peeta.”

My cheeks were burning up and I could tell they were a dark pink from embarrassment. He set a drink in front of me. If it’s coffee I swear to god I’ll-

“I didn’t know what you liked so I guessed. Is hot chocolate ok?” he commented shyly.

“Um, yeah it's perfect,”I told him. “So, you know Finnick?”

“We go way back. Freshman year of college we were roommates in those crusty, dilapidated dorms. He was the one who took, no dragged me to parties and set me up on dates. I don’t know where I’d be without him.”

“Hopefully dead,” I grumbled underneath my breath.

Peeta gave me a peculiar look before turning away. So what if he heard me. I doubt I got the job and I loathe him anyway.

Annie gives me a sympathetic glance before telling the table that she and Finnick have to leave for their “couples class”.

I hope she and Finnick die a fiery death. I can’t leave, that would be rude, but at the same time I can’t sit here for another hour small talking to Peeta fuckin’ Mellark. Suck it up, buttercup.

“Oh, Katniss, this is the perfect opportunity to tell you that you got the job!” Peeta declared to me while grinning. Why is he grinning? He’s probably conniving plans on how to torture me. Wouldn't be surprised. “That is, if you will accept.”

I had no other option but to say yes.

“Ok, that's awesome. I’ll take it.”

Those 6 words, I would soon learn, would change my life forever.

***

Waking up and realizing you have a steady job and will be able to pay rent should cause a person to leap for joy. I can’t. Not when the job is at Mellark Enterprises. God, today will be awful.

As soon as I arrive to the 8th floor, Peeta is there, welcoming me. He shows me around from the break room to his office, and finally my desk. Which I forgot to mention is about 10 feet from his. Crap.

I’m in deep shit.

“I’m looking forward to working with you, Katniss,” Peeta comments, his eyes soft and grin, again, crooked. His floppy blonde, curly hair is unruly and of course he rolled his button up sleeves up to his elbows causing his pale smooth skin and muscular arms to show. I felt something move south, not caused by my actual boyfriend, and I wanted to moan. Oh, to push him against his desk and him to take me right then and then. To feel his strong arms wrapped around me and his tongue twirling with mine. That’s hot. Wait, what? What is this man doing to me?

“M...Me too,” I stumble over my words still hypnotized by his beauty.

I notice that Peeta was staring off into the distance and has a slight smirk on his face. Hm, I wonder what he’s thinking about. He shakes himself out of it and slams his office door behind him.

I go about my first day at Mellark Enterprises as secretary to the one and only Peeta Mellark. Nothing strange or abnormal happens. I go home, as usual. Gale is passive aggressive, as usual. But my mind is swirling with sinful thoughts of Peeta. Why him? Why does my body react to him this way. My mind loathes him but my heart...I just don't know what to do. He’s the guy that taunted me for years and is now acting like we have been best friends for decades. My emotions can’t seem to stay in check when I’m around him. I’m so conflicted and unsure of what to do.

The next day, after a long night of dreams I should not be having, I quickly make my way to work.

“Mellark Enterprises, this is Katniss Everdeen speaking. How may I help you?”

“Yes, I am his secretary.”

“Yes I will leave him with your number ma’am.”

“Ok, bye.”

Ugh, ew. I do not need Peeta’s booty calls asking me about him. What he does is his business. Right? I wouldn't want to be one. No, no way.

His lips on mine, hands roaming.

Me moaning. Lips caressing every part of my neck.

Blonde curls falling on his face. Calloused hands unwinding my braid, kissing each strand.

Snap. Out. Of. It.

He’s your boss, my god, Katniss.

After the weird phone call this morning, I avoided Peeta as much as a secretary could do (not well) and quickly scurried home. I told Annie that I had a bad day and need some alone time which she understood.

I decided to make a detour before going home and bought a bottle of Pinot Grigio from the local supermarket because boy did I need it. I unlocked the door and opened it into my apartment. Walking to the kitchen, I set the white wine on the counter and ransacked the refrigerator looking for some carbs. The door to the bedroom was closed, that’s odd. I shrugged my shoulders and sat on the couch, eating pasta and drinking some cheap wine. My ideal night. after about an hour of this, I heard a voice...2 voices to be exact coming from the bedroom. I glanced at the front door-wait those aren't my shoes, or jacket. Opening the bedroom door slowly, with a pan because there could be a murderer in my apartment, I saw what I hadn’t expected to see at all.

“GALE! Who the fuck is that.”

“Katniss, I can explain.” he said hurriedly.

“Who is she?” the blond bimbo said.

“Madge, she’s nobody,” he told her trying to calm her down.

“Wait, Madge. As in your intern Madge?” I said, disgusted with Gale. “How dare you Gale. Damn you. Leave and NEVER come back.”

“Katniss, please, baby, I can explain.”

“I said LEAVE. You too, Madge,” I spit out.

He quickly gathered his clothes and scurried out the door, taking Madge with him. I just can’t believe he would do that. Why? I know things haven't been the best lately, but to cheat on me?

I could barely stand so I sank to the floor and bawled, trying to pick up the pieces of my broken life.

#nothim #newfic #everlark #The Hunger Games #thehopefuldandelion

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hhemeraa-a · 4 years

Text

Update / Haitus

I’ve been a ghost the last two weeks and I know that my last post was very succinct - which I had to delete because apparently porn blogs started reblogging it for some reason????????? And I’m just?? not in the place to deal with that.

I really hope to get back into a place where I can be here again, I know before I said I was on discord but I’ve had zero (zero) time to do literally anything else other than deal with my current situation so I’m barely even there. I do read all of your messages and I’m really sorry I haven’t responded.

A lot of people had or have questions and wanted to know how I am, etc etc so under the cut will be a quick explanation of my absence and everything that’s happened within the last few weeks.

As some of you know, I am a Peace Corps volunteer servicing in China. I had been serving as a university English teacher for the last near 2 years. This was a very very very important and huge opportunity for me.

Years ago when I was in college, my Mom was taking student loans out in my name while I was living with her. I went from having $54k in student debt (which is a lot already) to having about $108k in student debt in private loans. She shirked all responsibility on me, I had to graduate college early with a degree in something that I had credits in (International Studies with a focus on Chinese language and history), I was homeless for a while working random jobs, trying to join the Marine Officer program, etc etc -- needless to say, things were really really messy for a few years there. I ended up getting a really nice job for a logistics company getting paid about 2200 a month, but I was paying about 1600 a month in student loans. I had a lot of support from a friend who let me live with her and to this day I literally cannot thank her enough for everything she provided to me while I was suffering through all of this.

After working that soul sucking job for nearly 4 years, I took a chance and applied for Peace Corps because it was an opportunity to finally make it to China. I was supposed to study abroad in college, but when my mother maxed out my debt, it was no longer feasible. I never thought I was going to get in because I had been out of school for years at that point, I had never taught English before besides 1-on-1s during college and I kind of thought I was too old???

BUT LOW AND BEHOLD I GOT IN. This shit meant everything to me. I was finally going to study abroad, I was finally going to have a chance to use my degree, I was finally going to have the chance to learn a language, I had an opportunity to have a complete career change.

It was so incredibly hard though. I worked my ass off during training, I worked really really hard to integrate into my site, but if anyone has ever heard any of my horror stories of being the only foreigner in the middle of south east China, you’ll understand that it’s not always fun 😅 I even had a whole mental break down and had to be sent back to the States for 45 days so I could stop stressing, but I got my ass right back on that plane and came to finish the job I started. The low were low, but the highs were so incredibly high that it made up for every bad moment.

This program meant everything to me. My first semester sucked ass, it was harder than I ever thought it would be. My second semester was so much better, my third semester I was over loaded with about 450+ students and 8 classes, but I was finally getting the hang of the language, the school, the people, and I had gotten the ‘ok’ from my school to work there as a full time teacher once my Peace Corps contract was finished. This?? Was such an opportunity?? I literally had started making the moves to start a life here -- at least temporarily. Work at my school as contracted teacher for a year, pass the HSK Chinese language test above a 4, use the money to find a better job in Taiwan -- there was a whole plan.

Every year, Peace Corps meets for 1-2 weeks for In Service Training. We met from Jan. 12 - 17. Usually it’s just to reconnect and make sure all the volunteers are doing their jobs, medical check ups, etc etc etc. It’s a good time to see how other volunteers are doing.

Jan. 17th we were formally told that the Peace Corps China program was being closed. After 2020, there would no longer be any new volunteers and that we needed to start preparing our schools for the transition. They called it a graduation, but we all knew it was a political move. For five hours, a room of 200 people ripped into the US PC HQ staff as to why they were “”graduating”” the program. They said it was because the budget didn’t call for it and that China no longer needed volunteers in their schools. Which is a lie. Tensions were already really really high, the answers kept gettin more vague, and we finally flat out asked if this was a political decision to remove Peace Corps from China.

We didn’t get an answer.

Needless to say, all the volunteers are livid. The information spread like wild fire to all of the schools and volunteers were faced with having to be the representative of a shitty political decision. It was extremely difficult to have to face students and try to explain that Americans don’t hate them when the political system there does.

Chinese New Year was from Jan 25th - Jan 27th this year. I lived in Chongqing city in the Chongqing province/municipality, a city that has about 32 million people in it. During this time, the city becomes a ghost town due to the holiday being similar to Christmas/Thanksgiving where everyone goes back to their hometowns to be with family. All the shops close and for foreigners it can be difficult to find food because everything isn’t open lol.

However on Jan. 25th was when news about the corona virus started getting around. It wasn’t very big, but the news was starting to spread. The Hubei province touches Chongqing province, so whispers were starting to come through and most information volunteers got were through foreign sources, but even my Chinese friends were telling me that I shouldn’t go out or if I do, I need to be sure to wear a mask.

Sunday Jan. 26th, notices are starting to go up on store fronts saying that they are required by law to be closed, but I managed to find a place that was still open. News about the virus is starting to gain traction and more and more information about what is happening in Wuhan is starting to spread. My friend who is staying with me who lives in a small town near the border of Hubei (where Wuhan is placed) gets a call from his school telling him that it is safer for him to not come back to site. We are starting to hear that small towns are shutting down travel in and out, bus systems are starting to shut down and certain areas in the city are no longer allowing taxi or Didi (Chinese Uber) services.

Monday Jan. 27th, my friend leaves because all train and bus tickets out of the city were being canceled. My city was slowly starting to quarantine everyone. I live on campus, and when I tried to return after walking my friend to the metro, security took my temperature (with those neat little temp guns) and then wouldn’t let me in because they thought I was too warm. After arguing with them in my broken Chinese and convinced them that I lived there, they finally let me back on campus. They told me that no cars or people are allowed to go in and out anymore.

I lived near city center and it was obvious that the government was slowly locking everyone away to try and prevent the spread, but it was so eerie and apocalyptic. We had been receiving emails from the PCChina director giving us daily updates that were inching towards the idea that all volunteers were going to be ‘consolidated’, so everyone just needed to be prepared.

Tuesday Jan. 28th, the notice went out that the volunteers were being ‘consolidated’ to Thailand because China made it illegal for any group of 4 or more people to be together. We were only allowed 1 check in bag and we weren’t sure if we were ever going to be allowed to come back into country. People who were not at their sites were not allowed to go back to their sites. Wherever a volunteer was in that moment that we got the notice was required to get their ticket to Bangkok and leave immediately. I had to pack 2 years of my life up into a single suitcase not knowing if I was ever going to come back.

Wednesday Jan 29th, I was on a plane and landed in Bangkok. I am a safety warden of my province and the first warden to arrive so I was in charge of all safety until staff arrived.

But after that, things were very much in the air. We had no idea what was going to happen and every day things just got weirder and more serious and we didn’t know if at all we were going to be able to go back. We speculated a lot, as the news got worse and worse and worse. By Friday, all USA government employees were told to evacuate. No gov employee is allowed to enter China until the travel restrictions were let up, which meant that many PCChina staff - if they were to leave, would be allowed back in until China decided that it was safe enough or... if they wanted them back.

Sunday, Feb. 2nd, all the volunteers who were at the hotel had a skype meeting with the head of the PCChina program and were told that due to the severity of the situation, all currently serving China volunteers would be forced to COS (Close of Service) by Thursday. The program was ending and we would all be sent back to our respective homes between Wednesday and Thursday.

When I say it was the shittiest delivery of news imaginable, I cannot even put it into words. After we were all told that we could no longer return to China, we had lost our jobs, and couldn’t even say goodbye to anyone; HQ Staff had the balls to tell us that in order to get our final service allowance, we were still required to fill out paperwork and that we shouldn’t be sad. We should be happy we served at all.

They gave no time for mourning, many of us put two years of our lives on hold to do this program, some of us don’t even have homes to go back too and they want us to make decisions in 4 days. After Thursday, they will no longer provide any assistance with travel, we do not get health insurance, the moment we COS, PC shrugs off complete responsibility of over 100+ volunteers.

I have been so busy filling out paperwork and I have been so incredibly angry and sad and resentful that the only person I’ve told is my Dad. Returning to the USA isn’t really an option and the plan I had set into motion is now nonexistent because I’m no longer allowed in the country I gave two years of my life to until they decide that this virus has been resolved.

I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out where I’m going to live, what job I’m going to have, how I can get a cellphone plan, where I can go because I’m being quarantined for having been in China within the last 14 days, how to manage the money I’m getting -- everything has been changing so rapidly that I still don’t know where I’m going to be by Friday since Peace Corps is only paying for the hotel up until then.

I promise I’m not ignoring any of you, I really really want to be in a place where I can RP and chat with y’all, but life for me right now is moving so fucking fast and I have to make so many decisions that will affect my future that I literally have not stopped going since Sunday night.

I still stand by my last message: I really appreciate all the messages you guys have been sending me. I do read them. I just don’t want to talk. I don’t have the emotional capacity to and I haven’t even been given time to just... process and be mad.

I promise I’ll be back, just give me some time.

#tbd #personal #when I say this is the cliffnotes version #I mean it #there are so many other layers to this story that I can't even begin #to get into #but this is where I've been #and I'm going to try and return as soon as I have like...#some stability

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