#an anxiety attack and realized it hours later bc i have such a poor read on my own feelings bc ive been so detached from them for so long

[aouiaa]

Reflect

Outline: When all the leads dried up, Ellie is forced to accept the heart wrenching reality that she’s never gonna see you again. Until two years and half later, the unexpected happens. People don’t come back from the dead so, How did you?

Word Count: 5.4k+

Warnings: Tlou au + Angst + Mentions of grief + Flashbacks (Ellie and the reader are both 19 in the flashback) + fluff + Established relationship between (r + e) + Self deprecation + Mention of canon game violence + Mention of PTSD + Brief mention of Anxiety + Slander of Ellie wearing jeans to sleep (bc who tf 😭) + Ellie slandering old people? + Mention of stalking + Description of fighting + Mention of weapons + death + Mention of blood + Depression + panic attack (I think that’s it, comment if I missed any!)

Chapter one -> Next Chapter

Two years after…

The calamity…

“Happy birthday, baby.”

Ellie says softly as she places down the flower gently on a tombstone that has engraved “In loving memory of, Y/N Y/LN”. She’s kneeled beside your grave talking to you about her recent events as if you could still hear her. Ellie always tried to visit you as much as possible but since she worked up the courage to go out and try to live her life again. Maria helped her get a job working at the nursery, two months ago. So she couldn’t visit you often.

But today she had a day off so she decided to spend it with you. It had been two years since that dreadful day. Your parents don’t blame her for their daughter's death. She most certainly feels like she should be. She lives with the regret of not being able to save you.

Ellie promised Joel not to stay until closing hours anymore since last time she did, the poor girl got a cold. She looks up at the sun as it sets and realizes she had to be back by now. She stands up looking down at your grave, “I have to get going before Joel freaks out.” She lets out a shaky sigh,”I love you Y/n.” she says, stepping back, shedding a couple tears before walking out the cemetery.

Turning the corner and walking down the street, she recognizes the street she’s on. Reading the familiar sign ‘Mable’s Nursery’, that was the name of the establishment where she got her job, thanks to Maria. Looking down from the sign to the entrance, Ellie could see a blonde haired woman locking up the shop whom she could immediately recognize. It was Jessica, her coworker that always flirted with her when she had the chance but Ellie always denied her advances by changing the subject quickly. Jessica never seemed to take a hint.

Ellie never saw anyone after your death, she couldn’t, she wouldn’t. Even after all these years, you were her everything. You had her heart and even now six feet under, you still had her heart. Wait why was Jesscia calling out to her, “Ellie! Hey!” Jessica says, walking over to her with a big smile. Ellie snaps out of her thoughts and looks at Jessica “hey.” Ellie says. “You walking home? Can I walk with you?” Jessica asks. “Yeah, sure.” simply says Ellie.

Beginning the walk down the street, Jessica strikes up a conversation, “You know I saw you the other day, drawing in that journal of yours.” she says. Ellie can’t help but to smile, “yeah, I do a little drawing here and there.” she says. “That’s cute, maybe you should draw me?” Jessica suggests with a sweet tone of voice. “I could be your muse.” She begins to giggle but Ellie doesn’t hear it.

Because suddenly everything feels like it’s going in slow motion. The sound of Jessica’s voice fades out, only able to hear the sound of her heart pounding out of her chest.

Simply because of one word;

Muse

Two years ago..

A week before the calamity…

Ellie is laying on her stomach with her sketchbook in hand, scrutinizing you while she draws your sleeping figure beside her. The soft string lights in Ellie's room illuminate and hit your body faultlessly. She always loved drawing you, in your most serene moments. You were her muse, and she your artist. Contently sketching the curves of your waist to your hips when she hears you stirring and groaning lightly indicating you were in your stages of waking up. She shuts her sketchbook sitting up and placing it on her nightstand as you open your eyes.

“Hey” you say lightly as Ellie returns to her laying down position on her side now, facing you. A small smile appears on Ellie's face as she looks at you with nothing but adoration in her eyes. “Hi” she says softly, moving a strand of hair behind your ear that had fallen out of place and in front of your face. A smile appears on your face before asking Ellie, “What were you drawing?” Ellie felt her face heat up in embarrassment and just stared at your face taking a second to respond.

“well..uhm— you..” she says flustered, she watches as you smile with a little chuckle leaving your lips. “No way, show me!” you say, sitting up. Ellie doing the same while extending one arm over, grabbing her sketchbook from the nightstand once again. “Alright then.” she says, switching her position now laying on her stomach once more. Flipping through the pages, you see doodles after doodles, until she stops at the last page. it’s you sleeping, Ellie looking up at you nervous of your reaction. She knew you didn’t care that she drew you in such nonchalant positions.

Even so when showing these said drawings, she always felt a giddy feeling. She couldn’t help but to feel confident when you had the biggest flushed smile on your face. “Wow…” you trail off, admiring the work in front of you. “This is beautiful, Ellie.” you say, looking at Ellie with a tint of rosy red in your cheeks. Ellie nervously laughs, grabbing the book from your grasp and settling it to the side.

“Thank the beautiful model who helped create the piece” she says, sitting up and giving you a light kiss on the lips. Watching your face heat up, you kiss her back smiling nervously. “You’re so cheesy, babe.” you banter, causing Ellie to chuckle as looking down at her palm then at you with a smirk. “You love it.” she says.

Present…

Ellie couldn’t stand to be around Jessica for another minute so she made some bullshit excuse and practically ran home. In the abyss of Ellie’s room, she stares at that same artwork. The moonlight illuminates through Ellie’s sheer curtains and down on the drawing. She doesn’t realize she’s crying until she sees a teardrop fall beside the drawing. What she'd do just to have another moment with you.

Staring at the details of it, she wishes she’d captured more details on your face. Her fingers lightly graze over the surface, smiling to herself. Sighing as she flips the page to another drawing of you. It's a full body length drawing. She stares at the nonchalant pose you were in then your outfit. She smiles, flipping to another page. Then that’s where her smile faltered.

Staring at the drawing, she realizes that’s the same outfit you were wearing the day before you died. Tears are blurring her vision as she pushes the sketchbook aside immediately. Trying to stop herself from thinking about your body when you found. Charred and unrecognizable.

They barely confirm it was you with what little technology Jackson had. When they asked your parents to try and confirm it was you. They knew it was you.

That was the day that changed Ellie’s life around forever. First, she felt anger towards herself then the people who ambushed you guys. She felt immense resentment towards them, hell she even wanted to track down those motherfuckers who killed you and do worse to them. But she couldn’t, her injuries didn’t allow her to.

She thinks about that day a lot even now, what she could’ve done. Her thoughts were consuming her; Should’ve been more aware…Should’ve immediately felt something was off from the get-go…Why weren't you fast enough? Why were you so stupid? and yet she felt like she deserved it. She didn’t save you. So why even bother trying to defend herself.

She doesn’t even remember how her room turned the way it did. Books and little knick knacks she picked up over the years now on the floor. Her lamp now shattered on the floor beside her. She’s now laying in the middle of it all on the floor curled into a ball, sobbing loudly. If she could time travel back in time, she would’ve never signed the both of you up for that job.

Two years ago…

The day before the calamity…

Ellie remembers that day vividly, how could she not?

Ellie’s eyes snap open at the sound of her alarm clock going off. With a groan, she extends her arm over, turning off the alarm and looking at the time reading ‘6:00’. “Too early for this shit man..” she mumbles out. She feels movement beside her and an arm slinking around her waist and body heat pressed lightly against her back. “Morning, babe.” you say lightly against the crook of her neck, resting your head. A smile forms on Ellie’s face. “Morning, sleepyhead.” she responds back.

You sigh, once you see Ellie laying down once again inviting you into her arms. You gracefully accept, resting your head on her chest, blinking slowly. “You ready for today?” you ask, feeling Ellie playing with your hair. “Yeah, you?” You take a second to respond, admiring the beauty of the winter morning before saying, “Yeah, just nervous.” Ellie looks down at you, “Yeah I am too but whatever happens we’re a team, we got this.”

Now why were you nervous? I’ll tell you. Today was the day you, Ellie, and two other members were gonna set out to clear a power plant since the old one finally had broken down. Jackson had lost power for weeks and was being backed up being generators but that can’t hold forever causing maria to be in a frenzy to fix this as soon as possible.

So that’s where your crew came in, A patrol group recently found a power plant and told Maria about it. It was northwest of Jackson, a few miles out. The problem was that infected had found its way inside, taking over the area. So she set out an announcement asking if anyone would volunteer to help clear out the area. And Ellie had heard word about this, signed the two of you up with of course with your acknowledgement and consent. A couple infected, no biggie, Ellie thought. Nothing you both couldn’t handle. You both have done multiple jobs before.

It took weeks for Maria to get a stable group of people. Since some decided to back out or were needed somewhere in the community. But she eventually did get a set stone group, a group of four people including you and Ellie. Maria had a meeting with you all about setting the date when you’d be all leaving.

And that day was today, that’s why you were so nervous. Maybe you’d be alive if Ellie took account of that emotion more seriously.

Getting out of bed, especially with you in her bed, was so hard but you were persistent about getting to “not be late”.

Maybe Ellie should’ve asked for a kiss or 5 more minutes before you both set out. The last time she’d have you in her bed.

Ellie watches you get up, feeling sad without your warmth beside her. “Cmon Ellie, get up we need to get ready.” Ellie sighs, getting up as well. “Fine, fine I'm up.” she says. Walking over to her desk, grabbing and putting her jacket on then grabbing her pistol checking the bullets. She can hear a chuckle behind her. “Seriously can’t believe you slept in jeans” you banter, causing Ellie to huff. “What? They were comfortable.” she protests, looking at you as you grab your pistol and also checking the ammo.

Her protest makes you laugh, “Right.” you joke lightheartedly. Ellie shakes her head softly, “You just don’t get it.” she says, sounding defensive in a playful manner. “Alright then, you can tell me about that when we get back but right we have to get going.” you say with a smile while putting your gear in your backpack. Ellie rolls her eyes,”Alright let’s get going then.” she says, walking towards the door while adjusting the straps of her backpack onto her shoulder. Holding the door for you and following behind once you’re out.

The serene scenery of Jackson, soft reserved voices huddled around a small bonfire to keep warm from the winter breeze. Walking into the main street of Jackson, people are selling or trading for goods. Seeing children playing and laughing while shedding down a small mound of snow, some smaller ones walking into school with their parents, The ending of the street forces you two to turn left and you both walk the pathway to the entrance of the stables.

Once at the entrance the stableman, Frederick greets the two of you. “Morning girls, your horses are ready for you” he says, giving Ellie the leash to her horse, Shimmer. Petting her gently while you grab your horse, Sal. “Alright, thanks Fred.” you say, walking out of the stable ahead to the entrance of Jackson. Waiting there are the two other members of your group, Natalie and Travis. Along with them is Jesse, “Ahh! look who finally decided to show up.” Jesse jokes lightheartedly.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Ellie says as she grabs her rifle given to her by Jesse, sliding the compartment, checking the amount of ammo she has before sliding back. You smile while doing the same. Jesse laughs before telling the guards to open the large gate. “All right, you’ll be safe and if you run into anything you can’t handle, you come back.” Jesse says, looking at you all. Getting the message, you all get on your horse, setting off to your long trip.

The sun was setting and You, Ellie, Travis, and Natalie are stopped by a tree. You guys decided to give the horses a break and also check the map. Totally not because you were lost. Holding out the map, Ellie and Travis argue over what your current position is. “Dude we’re right here.” she argues, pointing to an area on the map. Travis rolls his eyes, shaking his head, “No we’re right here.” Travis protests. While they were fighting like little kids over candy, you and Natalie were finishing tying up the horses.

Natalie looks back at Ellie and Travis bickering at each other and laughs. Causing you to look at her smiling and nudging her, “Stop, they might hear you.” you say, holding back laughter of your own. Natalie smiles at you, shaking her head. “I swear, they've been at it for five minutes now, I'm positive both of them are wrong.” Natalie says, looking back at them once again. “Ima go see if i can help them.” She begins to walk away and you decide to join.

Walking over to Ellie and Travis, they’re still bickering over where your position is before Natalie interrupts, “Ladies, ladies, calm down what seems to be the problem.” she holds back a smile as Ellie and Travis stop, looking back at her both with unamused looks. You can’t help but to chuckle slightly, as Ellie huffs, “Well Travis here thinks we’re here when I know that’s not where we’re at. We’re not near a damn waterfall.” Travis rolls his eyes, “I know what i’m talking abo—“ “No you do—“ Ellie interrupts.

“Alright, alright, god such a headache” Natalie interrupts, walking over to the map that’s laid out on a tree stump. She is quiet and focused, her finger slowly retracting from where the last position marked to now. “There.” she points to a location a few off from Ellie said position. “Ah I told you” Ellie starts with a smirk growing on her face and Travis is about to start before you stop them. “Enough, both of you were wrong and Natalie wasn't, so stop arguing” you say.

Ellie huffs and mumbled something under her breath as you all get back on your horses to trek off. Now why did Travis and Ellie argue over the position you guys were in? Maria mentioned a mansion a few miles off the main route to take shelter. Since this trip in particular was gonna be a three day trip. On the way to the mansion, Travis puts his hand aligning to the sun causing Ellie to turn and watch with curiosity.

“What are you doing?” Ellie asks, watching him mouthed something under his breath. When he’s done, he glances at Ellie. “Checking the amount of sunlight, we have left.” he says. Ellie’s face morphs from a curious expression to an intrigued one, “Holy shit, really?” Travis nods, “Yeah, my father taught me how to do it.” “I can teach you if you want.” Ellie smiles, nodding, “Fuck yeah, that would be cool.”

The whole way to the mansion, Travis taught her the same method his father taught. Turning into a path reveals the mansion ahead. You all are more than relieved to have arrived. Tying up the horses in the garage, you all rush up upstairs to scoop out the area to make sure it's clear. Once confirming it is, everything begins settling in. “Alright, who’s hungry?” Travis starts, looking at everything, settling down their bags on the couch. “Fucking starving.” Ellie starts, causing Travis to chuckle. “Alright come help in the kitchen and you two can relax.”

Ellie looks back at you with a smile before walking away with Travis, disappearing in the kitchen. When she walks in, Travis is already preparing the pan. “So what are we making?” Ellie asks, rolling up her sleeves. “Whatever we got from the pantry packed by Mrs. Green.” He says, walking to the bag of goods. Ellie smiles, “Yeah let’s hope she didn’t just pack old people food like raisins or oatmeal.” she quips. Travis chuckles, brings cans of food.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” he banters, setting the can goods down onto the counter. Ellie chuckles, shrugging, “Not my fault she’s like eighty years old.” “Dude she’s fifty-seven.” he laughs. “Whatever man, let’s get started on this.” Ellie says, smiling. They begin to make the meal and half way done, they hear footsteps coming into the kitchen. It’s you and Natalie, Ellie turns around to look at you, creating a big grin on her. “Hey, what do you have in your hand?” Ellie asks, pointing at the box in your hands.

You walk into the kitchen with a big smile on your face along with Natalie. “Monopoly” you answer, placing the board game on the counter. It catches Travis’s attention, “No way, you actually found one?” He wipes his hands clean, picking up the box. “Yup.” Natalie responds, walking over to the stove asking Travis what he’s making. As Ellie examines , “Remember when I had one, babe?” Ellie recollects, looking at you. You immediately smile at the reminder, “Yeah I do remember, only got to play a few times before you lost it.” you giggle causing Ellie to chuckle and shake her head. “Yeah, I do remember,” she says softly.

“Alright.” Travis says slightly loudly interrupting your little moment with Ellie. The interruption caused Ellie to turn her head to travis. “How long until the food is ready?” Travis glances back, “In five minutes” he responds before turning his head to the stove. Ellie simply hums in response, “We should play this game afterwards” “Yeah we should” “Yes!” “I’m down.” Everyone agrees. Ellie smiles, walking with the board game in hand and placing it on the coffee table.

Once she walks back in, Travis announces dinner is ready and everyone begins to take their portion and begins walking towards the dining table. Sitting at dinner, everyone is talking and joking around and having a great time. Once done the games finally, a few rounds into the board game, Ellie sits out aim one of the games, grabbing her sketchbook.

She felt inspired to draw, draw her muse of course. You sat focused on the game as she would occasionally look up from her sketch to glance at your features. Sketching you in her mind space. Once she was done, she put her sketchbook. When she did, Travis spoke, “Alright, this was fun but we get some rest.” he suggests, “Yeah we do have to get up pretty early tomorrow.” Natalie says. With that you all begin to settle down for bedtime.

While Ellie just set her sleeping bag down on the floor by the fireplace since you all decided it’d be best to stick together then apart. Shutting off the lights, everyone gets into their respective sleeping bags. Laying down, Ellie looks at you with a small smile on her face. You back at her, the moonlight illuminates her face beautifully. “Night, baby.” Ellie says quietly. “Night, els” you say.

Morning of calamity…

She doesn’t know what woke her up but she does, rubbing her eyes. She sits and looks around the room, all her crew members are asleep peacefully in their sleeping bags but you’re nowhere in sight. She gets out of her sleeping bag and carefully steps over everyone. She walks upstairs thinking you’re just in the bathroom. She wanted to make sure that’s where you were so once at the top of the stairs, stopping when something caught her eye.

One of the bedroom doors were open when last night Ellie and Travis made sure everything was secured. She specifically remembers checking every bedroom then shutting the door behind her. So why was it open? She cautiously walked towards the door, opening and peering inside before inside. The room was excruciatingly cold and the suspect of why it was, the window was open. She didn’t leave it open.

She became immediately aware of her surroundings, glancing around the room before shutting the window. What she didn’t check was the closet. As Ellie was walking towards the open window, the closet door opened. She closed the window before immediately freezing in place when she felt a gun pressed against her head. She felt her heart rate through the roof as she heard a low, menacing feminine voice behind her speak, “Don’t make a sound or everyone including that little girlfriend of yours will die.”

Ellie felt her heart drop, Girlfriend? They were watching us? Ellie’s thoughts are racing but she can’t do anything stupid or it’ll for sure end in death. No, she had to be smart about this. “Alright, Alright, let’s not do anything stupid, okay?” Ellie says in a low tone of voice. She could hear the woman behind her look out a raspy chuckle, “That’s more like it—“ but she interrupted when she heard a scream. “Shit.” The woman hisses out, becoming distracted but Ellie takes the chance and quickly turns around grabbing her wrist, pointing it up.

Shots are fired but the bullets hit the ceiling, Ellie and the woman wrestle for the gun. Grabbing the barrel of the gun and twisting the gun, hearing the woman’s fingers crack as she yells out in pain. Ellie immediately rips the weapon from the attacker's hand, kicking her to the ground before pointing the gun in her direction. With the woman on the floor disarmed, she begs Ellie not to shoot, holding her hands out in front of her.

Without a hesitation, she fires two bullets into the woman’s skull watching fall lifeless on the ground. She huffs, looking down at the woman before looking up, hearing more screams. Ellie wastes no time running out to see a man stabbing you in the shoulder as you scream out in pain. Ellie sees the scene and is enraged, running towards the man, pulling him off of you and onto the ground. Wasting no time and shooting a bullet into his skull.

Ellie stares at the man before hearing your whimpers of pain. Turning to you, she kneels down immediately. “Shit baby, Just add pressure to it.” she says, looking at you. “Go hide in the bathroom, okay. I'll come back for you.” You nod as Ellie helps you stand up. “Who the fuck are these people?” you say startled. Ellie leads you to the bathroom. “I don’t know, okay just stay in here. I have to check on Travis and Natalie, okay?” Ellie says, opening the door for you. “Okay.” you say, holding your shoulder, wincing in pain. Ellie shuts the door.

Running toward the railing, she sees an injured Travis on the floor, holding his abdomen while crawling backwards weakly. While Natalie is getting hit in the face with the butt of a baseball bat. This causes her to fall down onto a drawer then on the ground, knocking a lantern over. It shatters on impact, starting a fire when the man towers over Natalie ready to strike once more until Bang, Bang, Click, Click.

The sound of Ellie’s gun last shot being fired into the man’s back. Causing him to fall in front of Natalie, throwing the empty gun. Running downstairs, she immediately rushes towards everyone’s gear. “Natalie, get Travis outta here and to the horses, okay?” Ellie says, giving Natalie her and Travis’s bag. “I found y/n but she’s injured, I’ll have to help her.” Natalie nods, “Okay, just be quick.”

Ellie watches Natalie putting her bag on, holding Travis’s in her hand and walking over to Travis. Ellie stands up, “Lemme help you.” she says, walking to the kitchen where the basement door is adjacent to. “Okay.” Natalie says, helping Travis up and supporting his weight. Natalie and Travis are close behind and as Ellie is just about to open, the door bursts open, making Ellie tumble back. Ellie catches her via the counter behind her, immediately dodging an attack from the man.

She falls to the ground yelling at Natalie “Go! I’ll deal with this asshole!” getting up immediately and dodging another strike from the man. Natalie complies, rushing downstairs with Travis while Ellie grabs her gun, but the man disarms her. Hitting her with the gun, Ellie falls back but gets up, panting. She makes her way upstairs.

The fire has already spread to the upper floor, destroying the house. It’s causing her to cough like crazy, the air is suffocating her. Her lungs becoming irritated, it doesn't stop Ellie. At the top of the stairs, she grabs the empty pistol from earlier, throwing it at the man. The man grunts in pain, stunned for a little while. But Ellie doesn’t wait around, rushing the bathroom, calling out for you. “Y/n, open the door!” She yells, banging on the door. When it opens, you’re met with Ellie's agitated face as she's coughing. “We have to go, the house is burning down.” With a nod from you, Ellie grabs your hand and rushes you into a bedroom and locks the door once she’s in.

The bedroom hasn’t been touched by the fire yet. Ellie looks around the room. Her sight lands on a window, narrow but enough to fit the both of you. Ellie takes you to the entrance of the window, letting go of your hand to pull the window up but it’s welded. “Fuck, fuck, hold on lemme find something to break this shit.” she says, frantically looking for something to break the window with. Until you stop her, “Use the lamp!” Ellie watches your hand point at the lamp. She nods, grabbing the lamp before walking back to the window. Banging can be heard from the door. Ellie is running out of time.

With one swift, fatal blow the window shattered, Ellie immediately drops the lamp on the ground. Looking at you, “Okay baby, lemme go first so i can help you get out quicker, okay?” Ellie says and with a nod of approval, she immediately crawls out with ease. Once outside on the roof, she balances herself by grabbing the windowsill calling out for you, “Cmon baby, I got you.” she says, looking at the door, it’s almost broken through. Ellie’s heart is racing, she has to get you outta of here.

“Okay!” you say frantically, rushing to the window and grabbing Ellie's hand as you try crawling through the window but with an injured shoulder, it’s proving difficult. You groan out in pain, but Ellie doesn’t give you a break. “Cmon baby, you’re almost there.” she encourages. You’re almost out of the window, Ellie has a smile on her face until she sees a hand grabbing your injured shoulder as you yell in pain.

Her smile immediately falters, fear is coursing through veins as she’s playing a cruel game of tug o’ war to save you. She’s pulling, screaming, “I’ve got you, don’t let go!” The man behind has a significant advantage over you while Ellie grips is sliding. She leans her weight back pulling you, desperately trying to save you. It’s not enough, the man grabs your other shoulder before successfully pulling you back in the house.

When this happens, Ellie tumbles back and falls off the roof. The last thing Ellie ever sees of you again is you screaming for her while pulled into the burning mansion before she hits her head, going unconscious.

The sounds of familiar voices slowly faded in but weren’t helping the pain in her head. With a groan, she lifts her hand to her head, rubbing her forehead gently as if she could soothe the pain. Opening her eyes, she winces to the sight of the lamp lighting hitting her sensitive eyes. She looks around the room, confused about where she is. Until she sees Joel sleeping on a leather chair in the corner of the room.

“Joel?” She says weakly. Joel’s eyes immediately shoot open and before Ellie can blink, Joel is by her side, stroking her head gently. “Hey kiddo.” he says, he looks tired. “Relax, you’re back in Jackson.” Ellie gulps, her throat feeling drying, “Where, why am this bed? Where—” She trails off, her mind is fuzzy. She’s trying to recollect what happened but one thing or rather one person came to ease her mind, you. She felt her body run cold and Joel could see it, “—Where's y/n?” she finished her response, sounding more frantic.

Joel’s expression morphs into a uncomforting one for Ellie. “You’ve been in a two day coma and for y/n—“ he trails off sighing, before responding, “—Ellie i’m sorry but they found her remains in the aftermath.” “What, no, no!” Ellie immediately sits up, not believing it. “No you have to—“ she trails off because suddenly she can’t breathe. Her heart is pounding out of her chest. Every breath she tries to take, she feels her windpipe is tightening.

“Breathe Ellie, breathe” Joel encourages, “It’s okay.” It wasn’t okay, god knows it wasn't. Ellie spent the next months in blur, all her days felt one long one. When she was discharged from the infirmary of Jackson, she wanted to go out and track down those people who killed you. But she could, the nurse said her body still needed healing for another few weeks. So when she did get better, she knew there was no point in trying to look for your killers. She had to accept the fact that she’d never see your beautiful face again.

Present…

Months laters…

Ellie was finally living her life again, most days she felt guilty for even doing that. With the support of others around her, she pulled through those moments of guilt. It didn’t mean she didn’t love you any less or found the shared memories you two had any invaluable, no. But she couldn’t live in darkness forever. Life went on so she tried to as well.

In the passing months, Ellie took better care of herself. She still had her job at the nursery but after a while of working there, she quit. She eventually moved back into going on patrols. Natalie and Travis had been her main courage to actually go through with this decision. It took trials and errors to get the hang of patrol after not doing it for so long.

One day, she’s coming back from patrol with Natalie. Settling off of her horse, Natalie says her goodbyes before walking off to meet up with Travis. When Ellie hears commotion behind her as she’s grabbing her gear off of Shimmer. Turning around to see what was happening. She sees another patrol rushing in on their horses with new arrivals on the back of their horses.

Ellie immediately rushes over to get a better view on what’s happening when she freezes, her face trying pale like she saw a ghost, because she did. When the horses came to a stop, people came rushing in to help the new arrivals off the horses. They all looked famished and some were wounded. But one of them stuck out from the rest of them.

Ellie stares at this woman as they’re helping her off the horse. She’s skinny and frail looking, her hair looked like it’d been cut off into a fucked up pixie cut. but Ellie recognized that face. Her throat felt suddenly dry, her heart was racing and pounding out of her chest.

“Y/n?” She finally grasped out.

a/n; DUN DUN DUNNNNN LMAOOO (IM SO UNFUNNY SORRY 😭) ANYWAYS HIIII AHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK!!?!:$::$3$3$ I actually wrote my first fic?!?!??! IN MY WRITING ERA?! Younger me would be so so PROUD! I’m genuinely so proud of myself for doing this. This was a very big step out of my comfort zone. I never intended when i first got this app to write but here I am!!! First off I would love to thank these three lovely people; @dyk3ang3l for listening to my long ass rants of the ideas i had for this chapter. I genuinely love you and thank you for actually listening to me because seriously idk how you don’t find me annoying 😭. Especially would love to thank @elliesprettygirl for proofreading this for me THANK YOU THANK YOU. You were so funny and fun to talk to through out this journey of writing this chapter. So thank you and I love you as well 🤍. And lastly @cinnamonmilf thank you so much for taking time out of your day to help me and give me pointers, You’re truly a sweetheart for that and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I truly appreciate all of you guys, i’m not big on emotions but thank you. Seriously this chapter wouldn’t have been finished without the help and the encouragement from the three of you. So with that out the way, I’d like to thank you as the reader. I genuinely appreciate you taking the time of your day to read truly means everything to me. Please please give your feedback on what you thought about this chapter!! And if you like what you see MAKE SURE TO HIT THAT FOLLOW BUTTON SO YOU NEVER MISS ANOTHER BANGER FROM ME 🔥🔥🔥💯💯

꒰✰꒱ taglist: @dyk3ang3l, @elliesprettygirl, @eurewili, @woahshhh, @cinnamonmilf

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#aouiaa writes?! #ellie williams #ellie williams x f! reader #ellie williams x female reader #ellie x fem reader #ellie x reader #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x y/n #ellie x y/n #ellie williams x you #ellie williams fanfic #ellie fanfics #ellie williams fanfiction #ellie williams tlou #ellie the last of us #ellie tlou #ellie williams imagine #tlou imagine #ellie williams angst #ellie williams fluff #tlou fluff #lesbian #wlw #the last of us #tlou x reader #tlou au #tlou fic #tlou fanfiction #tlou2

[angelspenance]

(I couldn’t tell if it was stepping over a line to send you this ask and you do not need to post it, but-) I saw your personal post about struggling with being undiagnosed but feeling like something is Seriously Wrong even though doctors will tell you that you’re doing fine in school, and I wanted to let you know that your struggle is valid, and I’m sorry you’re not getting help and validation from ‘official sources.’ I like seeing you enjoy the things you like, and I followed you because I thought you were neat and had interesting things to say. I really hope that you can get the help you’re looking for and that you can get the sense, at least from me, that you’re valid and you aren’t alone

thank u this was a very nice ask to recieve :)

#asks #anon #im glad u enjoy me n my content & my passion for my interests! #my whole thing is that i Try to do things out of need to bc if i mess up i feel u know. worthless burdensome etc. #and since ive grown so used to hiding Everything when i tell ppl im. for lack of more specific terms. fucked in the head #they go 'no way haha i never wouldve guessed. cant relate. anyway' #like im competent out of need to be thanks to self worth issues but in reality just. everything hurts everyday #bc my poor mental health manifests in my body so i always have headaches and tight shoulders and back pain and i cant focus on anything #like the one thing i Did get diagnosed for was clinical depression and my doctor commented on how tight my shoulders were from my own mind #taking its toll. but still was like 'haha u should be fine' #and my parents dont want me on meds or anything and think im just being dramatic abt things and that technology is whats to blame for #everything about me and then dont listen to a word i say and get mad when i tell them how i feel so. there is That. #plus ive got a whole paranoia thing that nobody genuinely likes me thanks to having ex friends make a literal group hate chat about me #a few years ago and whenever ppl tell me that they appreciate me i feel like theyre lying even if i Know that theyre not and its just #a really weird feeling to shake. also ive got this thing where i wake up and i just feel innately Wrong? like ive literally woken up having #an anxiety attack and realized it hours later bc i have such a poor read on my own feelings bc ive been so detached from them for so long #like all ive got is 'something everything is wrong' 'full of love' 'i think im good rn' 'pain. suffering even' & 'intense fixation' #and this is like. the half of it #sorry abt the vent but ty for the ask it was rlly nice :') #wshdlf im so fucked in the head i find solace thru madoka magica </3

[charlietheepicwriter7]

Ruche and the Miraculous Order

So, I love zoe-onee-sama’s Scarlet Lady AU as much as the next person, but I couldn’t help but think...

What if Chat Noir didn’t want to be the responsible partner? 

It makes sense why he does so in Scarlet Lady, since he’s paired with Chloe of all people for a Ladybug, but... Canon Adrien uses Chat Noir as an escape from his responsibilities. It’s his freedom. Plus, he did kinda enable Chloe for most of their childhood--certainly, he didn’t know how she was like at school, but wouldn’t he have seen how she treated her butler? Any other children around them (like Felix)? Hell, maybe even Sabrina? He didn’t call her out on her behavior until school, and while he probably doesn’t know better, it still happened and is still bad. 

So, what if he doesn’t want to be the leader of the Miraculous Team?

First, Paris would be in chaos. Not every day, no stop to the panic chaos, but akuma battles would take hours, because Coccinelle (I don’t want to use Scarlet Lady since that is zoe-onee-sama’s thing and seriously, read her comic, it’s great) and Chat Noir keep goofing off and getting caught. It’s an outright miracle that their miraculous haven’t been taken yet.  Coccinelle doesn’t say a heroic speech to Hawkmoth’s floating head at the end of Origins, so Paris doesn’t really have a lot of faith in Coccinelle and Chat, but there is no one else to rely on and they still technically get the job done, so that’s what matters, right?

(Nevermind that the two just hide or give up during a few of the less destructive akumas bc they don’t want to do anything, so Hawkmoth just calls back the akuma). 

Second, there’s no guardian in this. Mostly because I don’t like Master Fu, but also because there’s no reasonable explanation why he wouldn’t take the miraculous back once he saw how these two were behaving. So the miraculous are just... floating around everywhere. 

Third, Chloe and Adrien totally know each other’s identities. Chloe would have demanded after Origins (after harassing poor Ivan) so they know. This gives Chloe leverage over Adrien so he doesn’t end up making friends with most of the class, since Chloe threatens to out them every time he misbehaves. This allows Adrien to be sympathetic while also still allowing him to be a minor antagonist. 

Yeah, I said antagonist. Because Marinette is the protagonist (and I’m a sucker for villains to lovers).

So, Marinette is still trying to fight back against Chloe. She doesn’t have her miraculous, so she’s not as confident about standing up for herself, but that’s helped by best-friendship-pals, Alya and Nino. They’re a trio who supports each other. Mari doesn’t get her crush on Adrien, since Chloe is keeping him directly under her thumb, but she does pity him, like she does Sabrina. Mari gets akumatized pretty early on in this ‘verse, probably because Chloe used Coccinelle to harass her and she snapped. That fight was the worst the duo ever faced, nearly killing both heroes, and it was only because Alya filmed the starting incident that Chloe didn’t manage to get Mari thrown in jail. Still, the rest of the school thinks she’s snap any second now... everyone but Bustier’s class, anyway. She’s low-key a punk now.

Alya still has her blog, but it’s centered around the akumas rather than Coccinelle. It’s called the Akuma Report and is the only blog out there with a built in alarm feature warning about akumas (since fights are hours now, a lot of people get footage). She is also the only blog that can criticize the miraculous duo; Chloe got her father to take down blogs for fake libel accusations and SLAPP suits to then drag it out into court and waste everyone’s time. The only reason the Akuma Report is spared is because Alya’s got Max as a co-creator on the sight. 

Nino, since he isn’t friends with Adrien in this AU, so he mostly hangs with Alya and Mari. He still has his crush on Marinette, only to get another on Alya, so he’s now crushing on both his friends at the same time (which could lead to poly!heroes, idk yet). He’s the mom friend of the group, since Alya and Mari build off each other’s chaos. 

A few months after Coccinelle and Chat Noir’s debut, Mari, Alya, and Nino start finding their miraculous. I considered other combinations, but I think Bee! Mari, Fox! Alya, and Turtle! Nino work best (originally I considered Turtle!Mari, but I don’t think Nino would clash well with the Fox. But just imagine Nino trying to put the Bee comb in his fuzz hair). They each find it one at a time--Mari finding the comb at a thrift store while looking to upcycle some clothes, Alya found the necklace at the lost and found at the Hotel, Nino’s was a gift from his grandfather (who could also have been a former guardian but is too old to use it anymore idk). The point is, they all get them independently from each other, probably Mari and Alya first with Nino coming a little later. 

Mari has no intention of coming forward to help the Miraculous Duo, since her anxiety convinces her that they’ll think she’s an akuma and attack right away (in fact, that was basically what happened in Volpina in this ‘verse), so she stays to the shadows. She goes out on patrol, since Coccinelle and Chat don’t and are only out and about when other people can fawn over them. So, she patrols and practices until she finds a fox-shaped person--Alya. 

They do the Spiderman meme, thinking the other is an akuma and tussle for a bit, not that Paris notices. Alya knocks Mari down and snatches the comb, what she thinks is the akumatized object, and surprise! It’s your bestie! And it’s not an akuma, it’s a miraculous. Alya detransforms and they have a little freak out that they wailed on their best friend. Until they realize--their bestie can fight. They have the means to fight Hawkmoth. They’re going to fight Hawkmoth. 

But there’s no akuma for a while, so they meet up in secret to train. Around this time, Nino gets the Turtle and learns from Wayzz that the Fox and Bee are active, so he searches for them. They think’s an akuma and, just like the first time, they wail on him until he detransforms. He’s kinda annoyed until he realizes that, hey, these are his best friends, holy cow. They tell him their plan to fight Hawkmoth and he joins in. 

The only problem is the Miraculous Duo. See, without the Ladybug Miraculous, they can’t fix the city and, like it or not, Coccinelle still occasionally uses Miraculous Ladybug. So they need to get the Ladybug Miraculous. 

It doesn’t make sense that only Ladybug and Chat Noir can purify/destroy an akuma, so I say all holders can purify akumas (but not fix the city) and until I figure out how each, they just eat the akuma. They eat the akuma and burp up a purified butterfly. That’s how it works now. 

So, imagine. It’s Hero’s Day, Coccinelle and Chat Noir are totally overwhelmed by the massive amounts of force being thrown at them, they’re about to die, when three figures come into save them. The three are a well oiled machine, covering each other’s weaknesses, with the Bee at the head. They manage to push back the akuma’s to get to Hawkmoth, the Bee delivers her hero speech about how they’re not afraid of Hawkmoth and how they’ll be the ones to defeat him (learning that the Bee is called Ruche, the fox is Rena Rogue, and the turtle is Carapace). They push Hawkmoth back, clearly saving the day to Coccinelle’s ire, and then, turning to the duo, demand: 

“Give us the Ladybug Miraculous.” 

#ml au #ml salt #chloe salt #adrien salt #bee marinette dupain cheng #ladybug chloe #miraculous ladybug #miraculous fanfic #marinette dupain cheng #punk marinette #ruche is french for beehive apparently #since marinette protects her friends ie the hive #i will write this eventually but feel free to interact

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

More of the Misadventures of Aish rereading Misadventures and fixing typos, like a cowardly fool because I can’t sleep

chapters 21-25 oh no here we go

(actually I did this in like November on my phone but only just now remembered that I never posted it so here ya go, this is all weeks old)

Okay so with the chapter titles, I didn’t actually start naming them until about ch27 or so, but I had already nicknamed this chapter something like “IT’S FRIENDSHIP YOU COWARDS” bc this one got a surprising amount of notes on tumblr and I’m 99% sure most of the people who read it did not realize that this is in fact a Kimax fic

And also THIS CHAPTER WAS THE TURNING POINT. I could either have kept the fic rly lighthearted until way near the end, or decide to start shoving in the Angst much quicker. 3 guesses what I picked >:D

Oh highkey same Alix?? except for me it’s not superpowers or anything it’s just called “anxiety disorder”

The obliviousness physically pains me

I’m the guard who just blatantly lets Alix steal popcorn. also why was there just casually popcorn there. god I don’t even know what I was thinking when I wrote any of this

Oh yeah I remember!! I was mad at people setting off the smoke alarm while making popcorn in the middle of the night!! just uni things am I right

...why am I noticing now that the whole popcorn thing is just a metaphor for Kim’s entire love life I am going to throw this fic out of the window I swear

IT REALLY IS, UGH I HATE THIS, ARE YOU TELLING ME I DID THAT BY ACCIDENT

this is a freaking game of Civilization where one civ takes a runaway lead in the science victory while the rest are all still stuck in the industrial era

Kim is me watching dinosaur movies too tbh, dinosaurs are so frickin rad

well this is depressing

and adorable

I hate so much that I know what the Bad Dream means I hate it I hate it I h

IT’S OKAY KIM I’M PROUD OF YOU, YOU’RE MY SON AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

“It’s not up to you to question why people care about you so just roll with it” damn past me, that’s actually some really good advice???

Alix is a Kimax shipper even this early in the fic, btw. whenever she talks to them about each other she’ll always say stuff like “oh yeah you two are so close” or “he cares about you so much” without specifying whether she means that platonically... my dudes... she’s shipping it

Kim having an existential crisis in early hours of the morning is such a mood because it’s 2am and I’m having one right now

BAD FORESHADOWING, YES BAD THINGS ARE GOING TO START HAPPENING SOON LIKE ASSASSINATIONS AND STUFF, YOU WEREN’T WRONG

Alright chapter 22 now

the carriage guards!! my favourite characters in the entire fic!!!!!! they’re the BEST okay they just casually chill at school through the entire thing and only show up again in the last chapter omg they’re so amazing I love them??? absolute LEDGES

Kim’s parents being all like “yeah if our son doesn’t wanna come home from school then just KIDNAP HIM and bring him back lmao”

“Hey, do you want me to threaten your guards with my snake or something?” WAS THAT FORESHADOWING??? BECAUSE SHE VERY MUCH DOES DO THAT LATER. TO DIFFERENT GUARDS YES BUT IT’S LEGIT A THING SHE DOES

talking on the phone is stressful? yes it’s that good old “anxiety disorder” again, really a pain tbh

god I’m so proud of Kim, already that good good character development

also Kim’s grandma is me

omg I have to put Kim and Alix’s dumb chess games in the sequel, I came up with an entire thing about how they blatantly cheat etc and it’s ridiculous and Max gets a headache whenever he has to “referee” (aka make sure they don’t fight), it’s so great okay

me: *thinks about chapter 34 and throws up*

oh I’m the snake too btw. the snake also will hate chapter 34

Max holy moly repressing your feelings isn’t healthy??? stop that

hhhhhhh chapter Lila now, like literally that’s the entire chapter 23, it’s basically just Lila

this is just the damn Volpina episode

dupainchien!!!!! dupainchien!!!!!!!!!

I know this isn’t even that much of a big deal in this fic but like... can Marinette and Adrien just get together already lmao

hskdjhdkjfhgs for the record Lila and Kim is actually a pretty good ship?? but they’d both try to out-brag each other and it would be ridiculous so uh

hm anyways. time for CHAPTER AROACE

Kim’s like. ABOUT TO start falling for Max oh thank god, I need this

Lila: *just stabs Kim’s homework with a parasol*

Kim just... Did That??? WE STAN

(oh and later note: in this he just treats Lila like how Adrien treated her in Chameleon lol)

I remember at this point I wasn’t sure if Lila would actually really return in the fic, and then literally like 2 chapters later I brought her back already because damn that girl needs a redemption arc

do I hug Kim or do I hug Max?? you FOOLS, you ABSOLUTE BUFFOONS, I am going to hug ALIX for having to deal with all their romo bullshit

Max trying to get drunk on orange juice is the mood

JULEKA’S MAGICAL GAYDAR!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!

(also Juleka is absolutely wearing a Reflekta dress)

Juleka, outright: “Max. my dude. alix is aroace you dense idiot. you are all idiots. you absolute fuckwits.”

I’m still the snake btw

hhhhhhhhhh I wanna make a daisy chain now, or just go outside and sprawl in some grass, I can’t because it’s 2.30am and I live in the city and it’s winter, screw this fic for making me miss my school days

oh no I’m having an allergic reaction again

I mEAN IT’S CUTE THO, IT’S CUTE, BUT I KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN A BIT LATER SO THIS IS JUST PAINFUL

“You need more sleep” me calling myself out

I am going to hit Kim over the head,,

STOP BEING WEIRD JUST TELL HER YOU LIKE HER?? GOOD GOD I DON’T EVEN SHIP IT AND I STILL WANT YOU TO GET A BLOODY MOVE ON

oh good, he wants to smack himself in the face too

no nonono no Alix I think you are cute too. but you see, I mean it in the adopting way. but you ARE objectively adorable (source: the Reverser episode and also like all the other episodes) people just don’t say it in this au because of your TERRIFYING PET SNAKE

she offered to give him a telephone... lov that foreshadowing

*unimpressed* “are you in love with me?” OH FUCKING FINALLY

skdfhskdjfhsd avoiding people and having a heart attack when someone knocks on your door? I see the return of that anxiety disorder eh

Alix didn’t bring the snake (me) with her on purpose bc she knows Kim is still a bit scared of it at this point and doesn’t want him to be in a bad mood while she’s crushing his heart and soul

GOD YES I LOVE THIS SCENE

I hate myself because when I was writing this I was thinking “oh mood?? oh mood worm same hat???” and yet still. didn’t. realize. I’m. aro. *le sigh*

I’m gonna cry this is so sweet

“So are bossy, intimidating, hot girls your type?” no actually because Ondine is neither bossy nor intimidating (tho yeah she is hot) (and not particularly relevant in this fic unfortunately)

Alix is not in fact as oblivious as she claims to be btw, she just thinks it would sound mean to say “oh yeah I guessed you had a thing for me but I aggressively ignored it bc it annoyed me since I’m aroace lmao”

I’m genuinely going to hecking cry omg I remember now why this was my Ultimate Brotp for so long ugh it’s so good, @ ZAG LET KIM AND ALIX BE FRIENDS

I’m laughing?? so hard??? at the fact that their height difference is so ridiculous that literally like he has to kneel down??? god this is the funniest thing

oh also btw she was internally debating with herself like “should I give him the mistletoe kiss?? sounds gross but I feel so bad for him dammit” and decided to right there on the spot because she was lowkey curious anyway, which I’ll be honest is still an aro mood

OMG I’M ACCIDENTALLY SUCH A GENIUS OMG LISTEN NO LEMME EXPLAIN

SO LIKE. there are two (2) instances in this fic where I tried to pretend to be funny by dropping in the word “heartrate”. one is near the beginning, and the other is right here

in other words, the exact start and end points of Kim’s crush on Alix?? AND I DID THAT BY ACCIDENT OMG I’VE CHANGED MY MIND I’M PROUD OF MYSELF NOW

oh... oh no. uh oh. the dreaded evil Chapter Twenty Hecking Five

it’s called “Pain” for a reason. also my OG nickname for it was “Death”. also for a reason.

I even listened to Death Valley (the FOB song) on repeat while writing it (along with the next like 9 chapters lol) because the word DEATH just seemed so accurate

no really this is THE real turning point in the fic, where it stops being just a dumb teen movie and starts being all A N G S T Y

like this is the first chapter that has NO lightheartedness AT ALL

okay. here we go

this is all??? foreshadowing??? for dumb chapters like 30 and 34??? I Hate

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE SNAKE

I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK JUST READING THESE WORDS THIS IS SO HORRIFYING ALEXA PLAY DEATH VALLEY

this is the equivalent of seeing a kwami die, for the record. like I know kwamis can’t die but THIS IS HOW IT WOULD FEEL

god this is even worse in hindsight knowing what happens later, bc poor Alix is all like @ herself “oh well it’s a nightmare so it’s not real” and I’m just like... oh dear. honey. sweetie. welp. I mean on the bright side you’re psychic so that’s kinda cool right

I love how Jalil is actually really sweet and a genuinely cool brother, you just never get to see it when Kim’s around bc he hates Kim lmao (I mean for good reasons..)

“I can’t live without this snake!” I MEAN YOU’RE NOT WRONG

these timeline powers are SO cursed man. why was I so evil and cruel holy actual shit

(the whole “some character deaths but not really” tag refers to all this clusterfuck btw)

okay it’s funny how this bit with Adrien is the Collector episode despite it not having aired yet when I wrote this, I guess I’m psychic too

Nathalie being sympathetic huh? not so much in the sequel when I get round to it...

Adrikins being all “I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER” I’m dying

uh yeah there’s a difference between being grounded, and like, literal actual house arrest

damn... capitalism really is bad

so is imperialism

fix this damn typo thing where I used the word “soon” twice in one sentence like was that really necessary

DUPAINCHIEN

I love how Kim is so obviously bi that even Marinette notices and straight-up tries to set him up with a hot commoner boy

oh noes here comes The Death

Hi Aish Snekwami, I am afraid

god imagine how horrible it must be??? to have something traumatic happen in another timeline but you’re still aware of it in this one so you still suffer the effects even though nothing bad happened in this timeline????

Max shows up for two seconds this chapter to remind everyone that I have an anxiety disorder again and then hecks off, good for him

HOLY FUCK?!?!?! IMAGINE LITERALLY DYING ACTUAL DEATH IN ANOTHER TIMELINE AND EVEN THOUGH YOU SURVIVE IN THIS ONE YOU STILL HAVE TO LIKE. FEEL THE WHOLE TIME YOU’RE DYING OF GODDAMN COBRA VENOM HOLY FUCK WHY DID I MAKE THIS SO ANGSTY

I mean I think I remember writing this when I was on a very heavy painful period which full-on incapacitated me but like even that’s nowhere near as bad as fucking. snake. bite (ye I did some research, it was creepy...)

man this is so evil... I can’t

THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO DIE

god that’s so haunting ughhhhhhhhh

honestly whenever I stub my toe etc I always think to myself “is this karma for that time I lowkey killed Alix off in chapter 25?” and yeah, it probably is

OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH FOR NOW

#more like the misadventures of aish having anxiety #random stuff #misadventures