#am i attracted to ppl who struggle with mental health | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aroaceconfessions · 2 years

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TW// some discussion about mental health and OCD

Hi, this is just a long vent post because I want to get it off my chest. I'm arospec but sometimes I wish I was just 100% aromantic (aka suptiliaromantic). Not because I think I'm invalid or something like that but because I'm romance-averse and still get crushes sometimes.

(Also I wanna preface by saying that I'm not tryna say that ppl who are entirely aromantic don't have their fair share of valid struggles too bc they definitely do. I'm just venting about my own experience and struggle here.)

The thing is that I'm lithromantic and romance-averse. So basically crushes are just a huge inconvenience for me. I get really fucking uncomfortable and disgusted whenever I catch feelings. And whenever I notice that someone else has a crush on me or reciprocates my feelings, my stomach drops. Most people will think it's weird but I genuinely become terrified and start to panic. Not because I'm "not ready for a relationship" or "not allowed to date" or have "a mental heath issue stopping me" or whatever. There's no allo reason for it, I just get really freaked out because it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

I especially fucking hate when I get stupid crushes on friends, like wtf leave me alone I only want to see this person as a friend, stop with this lovey-dovey bullshit! It makes me feel awkward about my friends sometimes and that annoys me so much.

I don't want a relationship. I don't want these feelings. I have OCD and it gives me really bad intrusive thoughts, a lot of which unsurprisingly turn out to be about these crushes or even hypothetical questions/thoughts about romance with friends I've never even been romantically/sexually attracted to. It fucks with me so bad once the intrusive thoughts become about romance with my friends (who I love so much but only platonically).

There have been times where the romantic intrusive thoughts have deadass been so much harder to cope with than the darker ones that often come with OCD. It's insane to me I could even make that comparison but that's literally how bad they fuck with me.

I literally don't even want to act on any of these feelings!!! They deadass make me physically sick! I didn't ask for any of this bullshit! I want to get rid of them and as proud as I am of my arospec identity, sometimes I just wish I was suptiliaromantic so I wouldn't have to deal with romantic feelings bullshit! There's literally no pros that come with crushes in my personal experience. They just fuck with my head and I can't help it. I hate it so much.

#aro #aromantic #aspec #arospec #romance averse #lithromantic #ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #mental health

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pathetic-sapphic · 7 months

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Hello! I'm here for an arcane matchup if that is okay!

I'm 5'0-5'1 (Lowkey forgot). I have split dyed hair, I dress more grunge and baggy clothes and I like dying and bleaching my hair, I'm Mexican, and I have brown eyes.

I would say I'm kinda, I'm funny and a bit smart but can sometimes struggle to understand something. I've been through a bit of stuff that's made me very standoffish? Or sometimes distant and sometimes cold until I am comfortable!

I have lots of siblings (7) and they are very important to me. I don't have a type and am attracted to both genders, and am 19! I'm bisexual, she/her and they/them!

I'm quiet and reserved a lot but can be optimistic and loud when I'm happy, I sometimes get hyper and talk a lot while also hyperfixating on something and love reading.

I like touch when comfortable with someone after a while, I like loud sometimes but like quiet and calm, I'm an introvert until becoming an extrovert around ppl I'm comfortable with (again, lmao)

I sometimes have trouble comforting people, reading emotions or even connecting to mine. I have a little bit of mental health problems so I would like to be with someone who understands, a bit of reassurance and all that jazz.

Sorry if this is long!

I would match you up with:

Vi adores your sense of style and your personality. She loves seeing how comfortable you are with her and always listens to you whenever you ramble about your interests. If you ever stop, thinking that you're talking too much, you'll just see her looking at you with a lovestruck gaze and telling you; ''Continue baby, please.''

Physical touch is Vi's primary love language, so as soon as she notices you're comfortable with her touching you, expect a lot of hugs and kisses throughout the day. She is a bit possessive too, so she loves holding hands with you or having an arm around your waist.

As a big sister, Vi is enamored with the way you care about your own siblings. Having a partner who cares so much about their family is very important to Vi.

Vi is a very understanding and kind partner. She also has mental health issues due to all the trauma she experienced so the two of you take care of each other. Sometimes you have mutual bad days where you both just cuddle and rest in bed all day. She doesn't feel so alone with you and believes she can do anything as long as you stay by her side.

#arcane match up

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cherrys-side-bitch · 2 years

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May I request a matchup with a JJBA character? It can be any part but my fav part is 5! ^^

I'm an INTJ/5w4/True Neutral/Evil Polysexual (specifically romantically and sexually attracted to male and female though I lean more towards males), I'm polyamorous, and trans (FTM) with Neopronouns! (He/Him/Tree)

I'm a 5'0 Mexican-American, I speak Spanish (my native tongue), English (tho despite being an English Honors, I struggle with spelling and pronunciation from time to time), and sign ASL tho not completely fluently. My looks obviously aren't completely where I want them to be. Though, curiously, I naturally have more male hormones than female so I do look fairly masculine, I don't deal with periods, and I allow my facial hair to grow from time to time. I NEVER shave my legs, they're my pride lmao. I do have dyed curly hair, usually I let my friends pick the dye, but my fav color to have it is dark green. My style can be from goth to a pastel goth. To just straight up being dressed in Mickey Mouse merch (I have an obsession with the rat 💀) I do, do makeup though I see it more as an artistic thing. I don't try to make it look good I just have fun with it. Typically, eyeliner is what I mess with.

I have an older sibling and younger ones, I'm basically the middle child and have always taken care of all of them because I'm looked as the most responsible one, while also the most chaotic one. I'd say, personality wise I'm definitely a wildcard. It all depends on who I meet. I struggle with mental health so while I can be extremely energetic, fidgety, impulsive, forgetful, and bubbly bc of my ADHD, I'm also super aggressive because of my anger issues and Homicidal Ideation. And depression doesn't help either. I also have anxiety so, I'm not good at approaching ANYONE to the point I can't make eye contact. The most I can do is flash a glance at people's eyes before looking everywhere but them. But once you get to know me and I rlly like u as a person, you'll never get me to stfu especially if it's bc of a hyperfixation 💀 I also tend to dissociate a lot when I'm left alone/in silence for too long to the point when I snap back to reality, I sometimes don't even remember who I am or where I'm at for a minute. Which causes me to become panicked and anxious. Because of this, I can't go ANYWHERE without my headphones, whatever I may be doing or not doing, I have to be listening to SOMETHING at all times to keep myself grounded. Unless ppl r actively talking to me or letting me talk. I'm also a very curious and a naturally loud person, even when I'm speaking at what I assume is a normal level, I have ppl telling me to be quite 💀

However, I'd also say I'm very knowledgeable, determined, stubborn, a problem solver and a hard worker. I don't give up easily on myself nor others. I love and study Psychology and Sociology. And bc of my ADHD my hobbies are a wide range, from drawing, to reading, to sowing, to collecting specific items. I have a very hard time understanding others from an emotional stand point (in fact I can be very apathetic) but can very much understand them from a logical stand point. So while I'm not always the best at comforting, I'm great at giving advice/solutions. I'm not afraid to speak my mind and I'm also extremely honest/straight forward. However, I'm also very well known for appearing to not take things seriously bc I often joke/make witty comments as a defense mechanism to handle things/make it through tough times. And my biggest characteristic... I'm horny on main💀 However, I know when not to overstep people's boundaries. I myself have horrible experiences with that so I always make sure ppl are comfortable with whatever contact I make with them. I can be extremely affectionate depending on a person's love language! I just always want to make sure others feel cared for and comfortable around me since I know I can be overwhelming to people. Though, I like to care for others I don't very much like when others do the same for me. I'm very much someone that's used to taking care of everything and everyone so I absolutely refuse to ask for help unless it's a completely last resort.

I'm very sorry if this is a lot! This is the second matchup I've ever requested (;ŏ﹏ŏ)

I match you with... Pannacotta Fugo!

I believe he'd likely be an INTJ as well.

He's practically the middle child of the gang so he sort of sympathizes with you. Not to mention he greatly appreciates that the two of you also enjoy similar things to him but also are knowledgeable on many different topics.

The fact that you know when not to overstep people's boundaries is something he loves, finding himself at ease knowing that you won't intentionally overstep his boundaries.

He would love to sit down and have discussions on psychology and sociology, curious about what you know, and wishes to expand his knowledge on the subject if possible.

┉ˏ͛ ༝̩̩̥͙ ⑅͚˚　　 ҉　　⑅͚˚ ͛༝̩̩̥͙ ˎ┉

#jjba matchup #fugo #fugo matchup #pannacotta fugo #matchups

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genderqueerdykes · 2 years

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i wanna talk abt my experience with realizing i am and being aromantic. obviously this is just My experience and I can't speak for every aro.

i started identifying as aro in 2015 and had struggled with it for a while. people always confirmed that I'm a very empathetic, caring person, and the word they unanimously use is "loving". i am a loving person, and i even consider myself to be full of love.

however: i do not feel anything when someone tells me "i love you." it doesn't produce a feeling. i dont like gazing into ppls eyes. i can be bothered by random touches. I don't enjoy romantic displays of affection, and especially when im sad or having a bad mental health episode, i do Not want to be kissed/etc.

i experience attraction to people- I'm bisexual and am a man who loves men- yes, and i love being around ppl, i even like living in polycules with other people- i pack bond and get very, very close to people. i do, in fact, love.

romantic feelings just do not occur in me! and that's okay, it doesn't mean that I can't, and dont, experience other types of love. i am aromantic, and i am proud :-)

#aro #aromantic #arospec #aspec #queerplatonic #alterous attraction #amatopunk

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nothorses · 3 years

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hey sorry if it comes off as weird, but i'm a bit desperate. i had a real bad time figuring out my identity growing up and for like, the past 4~5 years i've become really comfortable and happy whenever i referred and thought of myself as a gay nb trans man; i experience legit gender euphoria whenever ppl address or acknowledge me as such, and the most connection i feel is to gay/bi men/men-aligned ppl. that said, i've struggled with obsessive/intrusive thoughts since i'm like, 12~13 due to (1/?)

a phobia, and they often appeared when i was already feeling low/stressed/anxious over unrelated stuff. y'know when you're having a good time and suddenly your brain goes 'oh hey, remember that thing you have doubts about and makes you distressed? and you think it's not true? well, here it is again (: you're welcome!'. that's it.

so social isolation due to the pandemic has taken a toll on my mental health and recently i have been... struggling a lot not only with dysphoria (i was supposed to start hrt last year but it was postponed due to, well), but also with obtrusive/intrusive thoughts over 'how i'm faking it, i am actually a cis lesbian' (i never felt attracted truly to women, even tho i had kissed two before, and i am Positively attracted to men in a way i can only describe as 'gay').

it has gotten to a point where i cannot think about, y'know, woman characters from stuff i like that i feel like this is somehow a sign i'm actually a lesbian; i have been dreaming a lot of situations i'm either framed as a lesbian or a straight girl, i have been hyperaware of how cis ppl perceive me (pre-transition, as 'girl') and obsessing over little shit like, if women are looking at me in certain ways when i have to go out (sometimes even 'wishing' it, as if it wanting to 'prove' anything).

i feel...... exhausted, none of these make me feel good, all of this makes me feel distressed. i get dreadful when i take 'lol ur lesbian' results at stupid internet quizzes too. i feel like i cannot talk to anyone about it bc i feel like they're gonna try to feed me either 'internalized lesbophobia' or terf rhetoric, which is smth im v aware of, and part of the reason i've been obsessing over as well.

i had mild doubts about stuff before (like if i was rly a binary trans guy or nb, or if i was bisexual) but none was... like this, y'know. i was also dumb and read a bbc article about detransitioning ppl which opened with 'studies say most trans ppl dont doubt' etc. featuring two cis lesbians that detransitioned after entering a relationship with one another. i feel rly rly rly dreadful i wish i could go back to feeling like myself (gay and guy) like i did before.

i'm sorry for the longest fucking ask btw, and also, tumblr hadnt let me send the rest for like, Hours, i'm deeply sorry

[Edited for formatting]

I think a lot of this is very normal, especially for transmascs.

We’re constantly fed this idea that we can’t really trust our own perception of reality, that we don’t know ourselves as well as others do, and that the things we believe about ourselves are temporary, silly, and “signs” of some deeper reality that someone else knows for us. It’s only natural that we’d internalize some of those feelings, and struggle to trust even the most irrefutable evidence of our own realities.

If it helps to have some tools in those moments, a couple of reminders:

Cis girls do not typically dread the idea of being girls. They might dread the social repercussions or expectations, they might hate girls who look/act in certain ways, but they do not typically hate that they are girls.

If you are feeling dread over the idea that you might be attracted to women, you probably aren’t! It’s good to work on feeling more at peace with the possibility, because orientation can be very fluid for some folks, and being ready to accept yourself if things change takes a lot of pressure off- but if you don’t want to be with women, you just literally do not have to be with women. For any reason. Even if you are “secretly” attracted to them, if you don’t want to be with them anyway, you simply do not have to be.

Trans people experience doubt. We experience it all the time. We experience it pretty much endlessly! Maybe there are trans folks who never, ever doubt their genders, and I’m very happy for them; but that’s the exception, not the rule, in my experience. This study talks about the steps toward trans self-acceptance, and finds each step is an ongoing process, and often a back-and-forth. It was very comforting for me to recognize the patterns & know I’m not alone.

The focus on AFAB detransitioners is driven by transandrophobia. Because saving the “poor little girls” is a compelling motivator in a misogynistic society. Most detransitioners are actually folks who were AMAB, and found the societal pressure and backlash was too overwhelming, or made things too unsafe, for them to carry on with their transitions. Most detransitioners, period, are people who had to stop because of safety issues, or lack of access to their transition needs.

It’s very normal to go through periods of high doubt, and periods of high self-assuredness. You may just have to ride this out; surround yourself with as much support and love as you can, remind yourself that those fears aren’t really based in reality, and be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Try to make choices that prioritize your mental and emotional health.

You will get through this period of doubt, and come back to finding love and joy in your identity again! It might just take a little time & patience.

(Also no worries over the sending confusion; Tumblr’s a lil broken sometimes, and it’s genuinely not even remotely an issue.)

#long post #advice #Anon #Ask

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neostalgia · 5 years

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Dude mdzs is fiction, stop making it about fetishizing a relationship, religion or real life politics. It's not. It's a work a fiction. Stop ruining it. Because the fandom is actually nice. But well then there are ppl like you. (And I'm not religious at all so that has gotten nothing to do with this shit. Plus what about people being genuinely interested in chinese culture. You wanna seclude your country from the world? Go off but dont bother the fandom with this)

Hi there anon, I’m gonna work off the assumption that you’re talking about my post here. I spoke in very broad terms, so I’ll do my best to shed a little more light on my concerns of the matter. What I wrote on that post operates as a reminder for members of the MDZS fandom to exercise caution lest we continue perpetuating harmful racist and homophobic stereotypes in the content we create, nothing more. I only wish to promote the respectful demonstration of Chinese culture. All types of media, fictional or otherwise, mold real-world mentalities and have real-life consequences. Books are dangerous! That’s why they get banned, and that’s why LWJ and WWX’s relationship was censored by the Chinese government.

Sure, it’s easy to write MDZS off as an apolitical fantasy novel set in ancient China, but the source material itself is full of socio-political commentary, which debunks the idea that this novel is mere fiction. On a surface level, the novel is about the power dynamics and struggles between five large families: is that not political enough? But if you dig even an inch deeper, it’s very clear that MDZS is rife with anti-Japanese sentiment. That manifests through the Wen Sect, what with their red and white clothing and their association with the sun: MXTX specifically recontextualized a piece of ancient Chinese folklore and grafted its imagery onto the entire Sunshot Campaign in the novel. The name of the Nightless City is likely a reference to a tonally incendiary letter that a Japanese diplomat sent to the Chinese emperor at the time wherein he began with the line: “The Son of Heaven where the sun rises [Japan], to the Son of Heaven where the sun sets [China], may good health be with you.” MXTX was very heavy-handed in using the sun motifs as a means to propagate those anti-Japanese mentalities.

Regarding homophobic attitudes: what MXTX imbedded into MDZS makes no sense in Chinese historicity. Her choice in vilifying MXY (as seen with other characters’ treatment of him in the novel) holds little historical sway considering that homosexuality was something akin to normal at the time. Moreover, the general attitude of treating WWX as the “wife” in their relationship only further imposes heterosexual standards on a same-sex relationship, which really isn’t great, now, is it? Granted, MXTX did force that standpoint, but it certainly was exacerbated when some translators decided to ignore the gender-neutral term for “married couple” (夫妻 in the original text) and decided to call WWX and LWJ as “husband and wife.”

Religiosity is important, too. I’ve seen a lot of content where the Lan sect is portrayed as Catholic (for which I can see the parallels, considering the Lan’s propensity for repression and extreme punishment) when they are canonically Buddhist: why partake in the erasure of this fact in favor of a colonialist and racist narrative?

The thing is, I am happy that MDZS has attracted mainstream attention. So far the book and the attention it has garnered––internationally speaking––has promoted the spread of Chinese culture, which is something that has been sidelined in modernity. It’s nice to see people return develop a genuine curiosity for it. That said, navigating the realm of Chinese culture and history is difficult because it is uncharted territory for so many people, which is why I, as a Chinese lesbian who grew up in mainland China, wanted to bring attention to some concerning patterns of behavior I see. I truly mean no ill will, and only hope to educate and discourage laziness within non-Chinese consumers as respectfully as I can.

I implore of everyone to please listen to Chinese––and Chinese LGBT+ voices––around the discussion of MDZS and anything tangent to Chinese culture. Their voices, opinions, and concerns take precedence.

#mxtx critical #long post #encouraged to rb #mdzs #anons #answered #qi.txt

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dolphin-enthusiast · 4 years

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good evening darling, i saw an asked you answered regarding hate against us, and of course, i know i should address it,, i am so incredibly, deeply sorry that i attracted such trouble here, i never meant to and honestly, i feel guilty about it. you are such an amazing person and you don't deserve to have this stuff enter your inbox,, as much as i love this wonderful experience, i can't help but feel like these sort of negative blow-ups are my fault, and for that, i apologize (1/?)

"if i were being completely honest, writing these letters for your inbox everyday has changed my life currently in the best way possible,, i've struggled with severe mental health problems for almost my entire life, and when my sister first introduced me to your blog, it made me so so happy. after months of her sending me your posts, and seeing all of these special reoccuring-anons appear, i wanted to interact and maybe brighten up your day (2/?)

i never expected it to get this far, and i would be lying if i said i don't enjoy it. most people here have received me so positively, which is a refreshing escape from real life. it makes me so happy to know that my dumb little letters make so many people smile! and honestly, as scary as this is for me to confess, i realize that i really wouldn't mind being a friend of yours!! (if you want one, of course) (3/?)

it saddens me to see these kind of things, but if there is one thing i've learned in life, it's that the world isn't that kind, which is exactly why i want to be the kind person others need. and before any of you other people start to worry, please don't. i am so used to negative comments in my life, that i'm accustomed to it. i hate to see you all fret!! as much as i enjoy being here, i understand if you need me to leave, that's up to you (4/?)

finally, to everyone who hasn't heard it today/needs to hear it: i love you so much, you are valid and this world needs your presence even if it doesn't feel like it 💕💕 -love always, waifu-anon xoxo 💖 ps: i saw you answering requests today and i'm proud of you,, i know what burn out feels like, but you're doing amazing caro 💓 (5/5)"

Ok so before i acc reply @ everyone in my inbox rn thats been supportive asf thank u for all of ur kind words and dw i did dm waifu, reassured her and we even exchanged discords (yes u read that right it is h a p p e n i n g)

Now u should begin by (once again) saying that none of this is ur fault at all... theres always going to be clowns honking their noses left and right no matter where u go to and as for getting used to negative comments you really shouldnt (although i myself am also used to them and i literally dont care anymore lmao) but still u dont deserve any of these when ur just minding ur own business and being a decent kind fuckin person

Im really glad ur letters and my overall blog managed to cheer u up (bc i can only say the same, at the end of the day when i receive ur confessions it always manages to lift my spirits up even if i was in a sour mood beforehand). Its extremely nice of you to want to be the kind of person others need and thats pretty much self explanatory and why all of these anons i received previously are the entire mcfuckin carnival 🤡🔪

Tl;dr: never blame urself for other ppl being assholes and keep sending wholesome confessions everyday bc we all love it and stan u queen😤👌 (also thank u thank u burn out sure is one hell of a 🅱️ i t c h)

#i rest my case🤪🤙#the confessional

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sireneia · 4 years

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✿ - //Berkut of course ~

pre-established relationships ( always acc. )

FRIENDSHIP. childhood friends / work buddies or coworkers / family friends / friends with benefits / smoking buddies / adventure buddies / fake friends / recently friends / party buddies / friendship of need / dying friendship / circumstantial friendship / partners in crime / old friendship / [ your muse ] is the good influence / [ your muse ] is the bad influence / [ my muse ] is the good influence / [ my muse ] is the bad influence / opposites attract / ride or die / frenemies / roommates or flatmates / penpals / exes to friends / enemies to friends / other .

ROMANCE. childhood sweethearts / [ your muse is mines ] childhood crush / [ my muse is yours ] childhood crush / exes / exes to lovers / forbidden lovers / highschool sweethearts / secret relationship / opposites attract / long distance / unrequited [ from your muses side ] / unrequited [ from my muses side ] / unrequited [ from both sides ] / skinny love / friends to lovers / enemies to lovers / spurious relationship / power couple / newly entered / soulmates [ metaphorical ] / soulmates [ literal ] / awkward / turning toxic / toxic love / cheating [ on your muse ] / cheating [ with your muse ] / other .

FAMILIAL. siblings [ half ] / siblings [ step ] / [ my muse ] is an older sibling figure to your younger sibling figure / [ my muse ] is a younger sibling figure to your older sibling figure muse / [ my muse ] is a parental figure to yours / [ my muse ] is a child figure to your muse / guardian figure / legal guardian / adoptive child / foster child / [ your muse ] is taken under mines wing / [ my muse ] is taken under yours wing / other .

ANTAGONISTIC. dangerous to each other / dangerous to others / unpredictable / rivals / petty / developing into sexual or romantic tension / based off family matters / based off circumstance / based off professional matters / based off misunderstanding or lies / conflict of ideology / betrayal / hero - villain dynamic / enemies / fight club / friends turned enemies / lovers turned enemies / exes turned enemies / other .

HUCK’S NOTES:

oh this could be me getting into Controversial™ stuff so please bear with me akshkrhgkhr like every person definitely has their own opinion of these two’s dynamic

i obviously like the idea of them as a couple, and i’ve been really enjoying us exploring the fact that they rushed into this engagement and are still exploring getting to know one another but also navigating their first relationship. i think i could honestly go for more them exploring all various kinds of firsts with each other, and they’re fumbling through it but are still well-intentioned. of course not everything will be a romantic fairytale. they’ve both got their flaws, and this relationship is a learning experience for them.

i think berkut encouraging rinea to come out of her shell more could also lead to a good effect in rinea then eventually having the courage to help berkut unlearn the bad traits he learned from his mother : namely his distrust of others, his constant need to seem strong, etc.

overall, i like writing their relationship as generally positive but am definitely open to a lot of bumps and miscommunication and trials that they need to overcome.

however, i can’t ignore the big elephant in the room: how the fandom is divided on whether their relationship is toxic or not. i personally don’t see it as that way, though i do agree that berkut is in the wrong in-canon and that rinea did NOT need to apologize to him post-mortem.

( this following portion is less for you and more for anyone else rlly who stumbles upon this so feel free to ignore the below since i know ur invested in this ship >_0b i’ve just had a lot of ppl confront me on the topic — and wanted me to portray this ship as toxic on this blog — and figured this is a reasonable point to discuss my views on their canon interactions )

my reading of sov is that berkut’s mental health is declining over the course of it. he was raised to believe he’s strong and groomed to become the new emperor, but he is being defeated left and right by someone he believes to be a commoner ( his mother taught him class elitism ) and is being stripped of the ability to prove himself. he’s been shut down from military involvement, a rigelian value, and his identity crisis is High. it culminates in berkut realizing he was never going to inherit the throne at all and thus understanding his entire life was a lie, and he is struggling to process that. he is being led to do things he normally wouldn’t ( nuibaba’s mirror, praying to duma ) and he does noticeably try and listen to rinea even in spite of his mental state being at its absolute lowest.

in general, he listens to her ( he doesn’t force her to watch the battle in act i, allowing her to leave with no protest after she explains herself ) and stays relatively open until she says something he misinterprets horribly in his overly paranoid state and he makes a snap judgment while he’s not in a right state of mind.

he trusts their relationship before that conversation, and this can be shown in how passionate he is when talking about their future as well as his soiree alt not expressing jealousy and allowing her to have the freedom to dance with other people besides himself, fully trusting her to still love him. i genuinely don’t think there’s sufficient grounds to call him abusive ( an isolated incident that he can regret is imo not enough ) or their relationship toxic, and i know people will disagree with me on this point.

#// i couldn't fit it but coworkers is mostly noted for the idea of berkut helping rinea do things for rigel maybe?#// and friendship also because they're learning to be both friends and lovers imo!#// kinda jumped straight into things sO... the learning phase is still there #devotedrigelianflower #+. / inbox.#+. / ooc.

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coffin-flop · 5 years

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Okay, so I just came out as gay this year @ the age of 22. My journey with sexuality has been very long and complicated. I wanted to type it out and I'm on moblie so I don't have below the cut thing. This will deal with sex and sexuality (and touches on substance abuse and abusive relationships in non-graphic manners). And of course homophobia, internalized homophobia, compulsory heterosexuality, etc. And I want to state that this is not a blanket statement abt ppl who are bi and it is only a very personal account of my journey.

I was in middle school when I came out as bi. I believe it was the summer between 7th and 8th grade. I told a close friend of mine that I liked girls, that I was bi. She said she felt the same way. A huge relief was lifted.

I told my cousin later that summer that I had a crush on the girl I came out to. She was so supportive.

During 8th grade, the girl I came out to and I were secretly dating. We texted flirty things (in a very innocent, 13 year old way) and held hands and went on "dates"

Her mom found out via diary snooping. My mom found out via phone snooping. Both were very unhappy. Her mom was much more outwardly mean.

But my mom sat me down and asked if I knew what this meant. If I was prepared for the loneliness and bullying, for being called/thought of as a "dyke." She also brought up not getting grandkids from me during this conversation.

She also sat in on a session with my therapist (who I was seeing for unrelated mental health issues) who called my sexuality a phase, even after I said it was not.

I stayed out as bi. The girl and I had to stop being friends, but I made other queer friends as I started high school.

My first boyfriend (who was abusive otherwise) mocked my sexuality and told me we would never see same-sex marriage be legalized.

My sophomore year, I joined gsa. Made even more queer friends. I think this is the year I first went to pride. I was very open about being pro LGBT. My mom had to accept me.

But she accepted me in that toxic Catholic mom of a queer kid way. She told me that she could really only see me ending up with a man (while saying she could see another queer girl we knew ending up with a woman).

When I'm a junior in high school, I date a girl who's made of gold. We made out a lot. We only did something sexual once and I received no pleasure, but holy fuck it was the most fun I've ever had in bed.

This girl's mom is not accepting. My mom is much more so, but she still shows herself in quieter ways. Like reminding me how not accepting the other mom is. How hard the lifestyle I'm choosing is.

Things don't work out, because that's life. My senior year, my mental health goes south. I start to party and my substance abuse issue starts. I start blowing and sleeping with guys because I should. Because it's "fun." Because it gets me attention and is way easier (logistically, being a high schooler in the suburbs in the mid 2010s) than banging girls.

And so, sleeping with dudes becomes part of my personality when I go away to college. At this point in my life, I never came during sex. Or foreplay. I'd only came while masturbating. I thought this was normal.

When away at college, I sleep with quite a few dudes and am completely unsatisfied

I sleep with one girl and fuck. That's what sex feels like!!! For years, I chalked it up to girls knowing girls bodies better, not attraction.

I also entered an open & poly relationship my freshman year. It was me, a dude, and a woman. I came a lot during our threesomes. And whenever the dude gave me molly. Just assumed it had to do with being adventurous. It couldn't have to do with attraction, I was attracted to men too because I was bi, I've been out as bi since I was 12.

I came home from college bc of mental breakdown and almost immediately started to sleep with a friend from high school. We started dating. It wasn't until I fell in love with him that I began to come during sex or foreplay. Assumed it had all to do with him learning my body, nothing to do with attraction.

And then, single, at 22, it hit me. Holy fuck I'm gay. I'm a lesbian. I'm not attracted to dudes!

Little twelve year old me was experiencing compulsory heterosexuality (a word I didn't know until I was 18). Little twelve year old me NOTICED an attraction to girls, but thought attraction to boys was just obviously part of the whole deal.

And then, almost immediately, I was told time and time again (by my mom and that shitty ex but also a lot of media I was exposed to) that being gay was hard and scary and lonely. At least, since I was bi, I'd probably end up happy and married to a dude.

And so, I forced myself into this weird, uncomfortable narrative. I had a lot of sex with a lot of men, not because of the sexual or romantic gratification, but because of the other things you can gain from sex. And I thought this was why everybody had sex.

And all throughout my life, I was more attracted to girls. I was pretty open about that. But I didn't even suspect I was gay. Because I'd been out as bi for so long and I sleep with dudes all the time.

Anyway, it's been a weird, long journey. And sometimes I get embarrassed saying I'm gay and then having this past with men. I feel like I'm not gay enough or that it's a phase or that I'm a bad example for both gay & bi people.

But fuck that noise. This is me. I'm gay. I struggled with it for so many years, I finally get to be happy with the fact that I'm a lesbian.

#personal #like very personal #long post

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nctsukashii-archive-blog · 5 years

Note

Unpopular character you love? (not hoshi)

The saltiest cracker you know is me, Bepsi!23. Unpopular character you love?

Ah SHOOT. YOU TOOK MY EASY ANSWER. JERK ! Meanie !!! U big pizza slice !

aababbaa but! I do have one I really wanna talk about!Under the cut you see, for I ramble a lot.

- Hifumi !

I love him man.There’s so much about his character that’s so relatable and lovable to me. I think that’s why DR1′s amazing theme of “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” really comes on in with him. On the outside he looks like as one would expect of a gross anime fan. Fat, not attractive, pretty gonk-y, speaks all fuckin over the top like an anime, so on and so forth. But it’s when you learn about him that really makes him super fucking amazing.His past is like, something that I can relate to myself in a bit. As someone that ‘became a bully to stop the bullying’ and stopped when he could like… find enjoyment and fun in an anime character and put all of his effort into that instead. He’s drawing because he shows appreciation for her, and that’s super sweet. And quick tangent before I continue, but “he only makes hentai” is a bad argument. Like, he does and I ain’t gunna vouch that he doesn’t but lots of people do. What’s wrong with it? Like, is it a crime to make that stuff??? Clearly not if Doujin creators are a big deal in Japan, able to have hour long lines at their stands at conventions, with people willing to purchase their merch with devoted fans. Like, ppl are so quick to demonize sexuality it’s CRAZY.

Anyways, back on topic. He’s got a great personality. He’s like, a bit of a stuck up jackass when ya first see him, but it’s the later interactions that just really sell it for me. He’s got some of the FUNNIEST lines in my opinion, between saying that his punches towards Ishida will go faster b/c he has no arm hair so there’ll be less wind resistance, or his numerous anime and videogame quips (”rebooting my devices; please stand by”, “You haven’t reached that point in our friendship! You don’t have enough friendship points to be asking those questions!”, “If he tries that (in context it’s mondo going to attack monokuma) Oowada Mondo-dono’s health will go to zero!”, “the whole anime plotline for the first episode outside the trash room”, for a few) are all just absolutely stellar to me. He’s unabashedly awkward because he’s just so confident in himself and what he loves, and it makes me happy to see him so enthusiastic!

Speakin of that, let’s go more into it!!He’s so passionate about himself, and just has a gay ol time doing everything. It’s absolutely amazing honestly. His speaking is just so energetic! He’s so happy to do what he does as an artist and I absolutely love it! It’s almost inspirational, that he can be so unabashedly confident and happy about his skill, and it shows just how much love he puts into his art. And real talk here, but Hifumi isn’t even that much of an asshole. Like, people make him out to be some kinda monster, when that’s absolutely not the case. “he killed Ishimaru though!” yeah, because Celes lied and said that Ishimaru sexually assaulted her, took what would be at that point Hifumi’s close friend, and said Ishimaru planned to kill him and probably everyone else. Like, murder is still wrong, but he didn’t do it because “oh celes asked me to”. He did it for his sense of justice- in that he hated to see someone like Celes be hurt. : / don’t diss my dude for tryin to protect a friend yo. His spats with people are less mean spirited and just more fun and lightheared dickery. Like, when you crack shit with your friends. He picks fights, but it’s never out of malicious intent. It’s like having a good time or trying to lighten the atmosphere, albeit in his own goofy anime way.Even in Chapter 2, the spat he has with Fukawa in the library over literature and doujin isn’t as aggressive as it prolly should be. He takes most insults with stride (unless they insult the 2-D works of course!!) and it feels a lot more like a cliche anime rivalry (esp. when he says shit like “you are my ARCH NEMESIS, I can’t make you tea!” when Fukawa asks why he only made some for Celes). At least, that’s what Yamada thinks.

He’s confident, which a lot of people always like to assume makes someone a dick or feature it as a negative trait rather than a positive one, when it can go both ways. Hifumi being able to have such high standards that he openly admits to not reading other people’s works because he can just write a story he wants to see himself can be considered narcissistic, but having the confidence to sell his works starting from high school (prolly when they were more pg and ‘fade to black’) and get over 10,000 copies sold is something to be proud of and I’m glad that he is! It’s a stigma that artists have to hate themselves, or suffer for their work, but I disagree. When an artist is healthiest and happiest in their mind, that’s when they make the best work. Vincent Van Gogh made the Starry Night when he was in a hospital getting better for his depression and mental relapses after all. Hifumi’s not fit, and he definitely has some areas where people would consider him unhealthy such as his eating habits and whatnot, but he also focuses on being happy and being himself as a first priority. He eats because he enjoys it, and remembers to have all his meals. He does what he likes without actively hurting others, because he just enjoys doing it, and he loves to promote his favorite anime character. He’s a dorky geek that says shit like “swag” and fuckin says “i forget not everyone is as savvy as I am” which is just so fucking amazing to me it’s both hilarious and fun.

Also haha, the fact that he’s making Doujin from a character who’s overweight is kinda nice to me, because she’s not a “conventionally attractive” anime girl with big titties and a small stomach; she’s chubby and different, and I think that’s nice to show what Hifumi’s interests are as well as what anime really means to him. It’s not just about getting his rocks off, it’s about the fun and enjoyment and the feelings that anime can give you and what your mind can do. It’s why he had a dream about going on a date with a magical girl, the kinds of characters who inspire friendship and happiness, for fucks sake. When he was lonely and had no friends and became a bully to counteract the way people treated him, he found something that would be there for him, and he wanted to support it ever since. Which is a powerful and very overall positive message to give people.

But he has great messages too. Messages about being able to be yourself and have fun, no matter how “dorky” or “lame” your interest might be to others. He encourages people to have fun in their own ways, even if he wants to promote Princess Piggles, with lines such as “what might be boring to me might be another persons moespiration! With that in mind, look for your own!” and “In a sense, a geek is like an expert. That’s right, a total expert! A successful musician must necessarily be a music geek, a good movie director is a movie geek. You see? It’s those experts, those geeks who open up the world to others!”. It’s positive and nice, and it forms who he is as a person.

No one’s perfect, and neither is he, but he’s pretty damn good. And I’ll defend him with every fiber of my being for just how real he feels.

I personally believe it’s because this fandom has a definite bias against male characters that aren’t distinctly attractive, as you can see Hoshi gets ignored quite a lot compared to all of the other males (even being the ONLY male left out of the halloween drawing!! Let alone he gets left out of most fan merch.) and he’s honestly one of the most down to earth and downright cool dudes in DR. I don’t want to change either of them, because I think their looks only make it better for their backstories and who they are as characters! So even if Hifumi gets like no fanart, and Hoshi struggles with getting new content, I’d rather have them the same way they are now, rather than make them attractive. Because I think that the way they are, only makes them better.

And that’s my short version essay on why I think Hifumi’s super rad and more people should give him a chance. Of course he’s a very hit or miss kinda person with his comedy, but if Tsumugi’s obscure anime references were fun for you, then Hifumi’s really good too! ^p^b

#reciprocation :: response #negative tw #//just gunna tag all these w/ that catch all #//BUT !#//please read my shortened essay I spent a lot of time on it.#blindedhope #parchments :: inbox

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autistic-danvers · 6 years

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@sparklingwinefather I am talking about the ppl who feel it's perfectly okay share a piece of media with an actress they like or are attracted to and use it to go into deep graphic detail about how they'd fuck them, what positions, what names they'd call them etc. and then justify it by saying that bc that person is an actor it's acceptable to treat them like a sex doll or something. and I'm talking about the ppl that think the correct response to an actor playing a character they don't like or that gets in the way of a ship is to send them death threats, tell them to kill themselves, mock their struggles with mental health, stalk their friends or family. and then if anyone expresses an issue with their behavior the automatic response is accusations or homophobia/lesbophobia/misogyny (just like every ask I got in my inbox today once this started) ESPECIALLY when, like in my case, I was talking about my own personal opinion with NO tags for fandom or ships and NO @s bc I wasn't personally attacking any one person. And all of it rings particularly hollow when you can look at the photo I just uploaded on my page where the SAME ppl attacking me for perpetuating dangerous stereotypes about wlw are on their own blogs literally word for word calling lesbians and trauma victims PEDOPHILES for shipping something they don't like. Hopefully that's a little more clear and detailed for you, maybe you'll see where I'm coming from.

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i-can-be-king-again · 3 years

Text

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Nope

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? No, that person dumped me a couple years ago and we stopped talking after a while

What’s the first word of the last text message you received? “okay”

Do you think you’ve changed at all over the past year? I’m being less of a pushover than I've been before and being less of a perfectionist in front of ppl

Is there a song that reminds you of your ex? Do you still listen to that song? “In my head” by Ariana Grande, I listen to it sometimes to remind myself that I'm better off without them

Did you tag anyone in your last Facebook status? I don’t use Facebook as much anymore

How do you behave when you’re drunk? Never been drunk, but I was super tense when I was buzzed lol

What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate, it makes my stomach hurt lol

When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? Last week when I felt like I'm not improving in my self defense class, but I'm always disappointed in that lol

Is there someone that can make you smile, even when you feel like crying? There’s a couple people that can

Is there a certain person on your mind right now? Tell me about him/her. My boyfriend

You’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up, what do you do? Tell them to get tf out my house lol

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I’m so goddamn lonely lol

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Probably not

Are you okay right now? I’m never ok tbh lol

What time did you get up today? around 8:30 am

When was the last time you saw your mom? As of writing this right now, about 10 minutes ago

What is the last thing you drank today? Water

Do you dislike/hate anyone? Trump, my self defense teacher, and this stupid guy in my self defense class

Where is your best friend right now? Probably at home

When will your next kiss be? I’m not going to predict that because I don’t want to jinx the possibility lol

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? Hell no lol

Does anyone completely understand you? My therapist, I think

Who was the last girl you hugged outside of family? A couple years ago I think

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No

What will you be doing in 3 hours? Playing games

How often do you straighten your hair? I already have straight hair so I don’t need to do that

What are you currently looking forward to? This stupid pandemic and trump’s presidency to be over

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? What are you going to do? Probably not lol, mostly waste time

Who did you last hang out with? The person I'm dating(?) at the moment

Did anyone see your last kiss? Nope

Could things possibly get any better? I hope so ugh

Do you know who you’ll even kiss next? I have no clue!

Do you ever sleep in jeans? No, that sounds really uncomfortable

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? Anxiety and lack of sleep

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? No

Are you in love lately? No

How often do you see your ex? Never, thank god lol

Who was the last person to text you? My friend

Did you like anyone last summer? Not really

Do you replay things that have happened in your head? All the time!

Who was the last person you stayed up with till 2am? My friend

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? yes!! I’m fine with either one lol

Are you currently in a relationship? Nope

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Rarely

Would you be shocked if the person you have feelings for texted you? No

Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? Not really

What are you planning on doing after this? Probably play some games

Is there a girl you would do anything for? Yep!

Who IMed you on facebook last? An old classmate from college

How old are you? 27

Do you love dogs? I love them!!

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? No, they started coming out when I was in elementary school

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? Some of them yeah

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? Yeah I think so

Have you ever watched an episode of “The Honeymooners”? No

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? No

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? I don’t own any rainbows lol

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? Orange

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? Cartwheel

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? Not performed, but one time I saw a comedian at a small venue and they had me come up on stage with him to be his “personal assistant” because I looked super young for my age, it was really fun lmao

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Not scared, but mostly intimidated lol

What size is your mattress?(single,twin,double,queen,king) Full size

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? I don’t eat meat so no lol

Do you sleep in PJs? Yes

Do you prefer watching TV or listening to music? I’m ok with either one

Would you rather watch a movie in theatre or at home? Depends on the movie I'm seeing in the theater

Do you prefer brown or white rice? Brown

Do you like spaghetti? Spaghetti is pretty good

What about lasagna? Lasagna is pretty good too

Do you celebrate Christmas? Sort of

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? No..? I've never heard of that tf lol

Do you like chocolate bars? Not really, I like chocolate in other forms lol

what about ice cream? nah, it hurts my teeth when I eat it

Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Mostly mosquitoes lol

Do you get tired easily? Sometimes

Or do you always have plenty of energy to spare? Never lol

Have you ever done volunteer work? Where? I volunteered to help office workers at red cross What about court-ordered community service? No

Have you ever worn contacts?(even just to try them out) I tried but they were too hard to take out and they were uncomfortable

Would you wear contacts on a daily basis? yes if they were easier to take out lol

Are your ears pierced? How many times? Nope

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? I have natural brown hair but from genetics lol

Or were you born blonde? No

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? Not yet lol

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? Nope

Have you ever been screened for STDs? No

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? not yet

Did you have your tonsils taken out? No

Did you have your appendix taken out? No

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) I have both of them

Would you(to save someone)?^^^ If it’s a close family member yeah

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? no thank god

Do you like Harry Potter? not really

What about Twilight? I liked it when I was younger, but not now How do you feel about Lord of the rings? It’s kind of boring lol

Are you going to see ��The Hobbit’ when it comes out? I saw, it was ok

Do you have a glass that says ‘Molson Canadian’ on it? No

Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? Nope

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? Stainless steel

What size shoe do you wear? 7-7.5 womens

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? Narrow

Do you bite your nails when you’re stressed? No

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? No

Are you on the birth control pill? No

Or are you trying to get pregnant? I’m trying not to get pregnant, but I use condoms instead

You’d rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? black sneakers

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? Yes

Can you swim well in water way above your head? yep

Are you afraid of thunder & lightening? No, I love them lol

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? yes

What about a tornado? No

Are you closer to your dad?(more so than your mom) I’m a lot closer to my mom

Were you your parents’ first born? Yes

Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No

Did you trade stickers at recess when you were a kid? No

How old were you when you had your first crush? Do you remember their name? I think I was 10, I don’t remember their name

Can you even remember what the hell they looked like? Not at all lol

Have you ever operated any type of motorized vehicle before? A car

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? Nope

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called “Mr. Dressup”? No

What about the kids show “Fred Penner’s Place”? No

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? I've never watched it so I can’t have a valid opinion of it

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? I had semi severe stomach problems when I was a baby, and still have them now lol

Do you collect DVDs? Nah, I just rent them

Do you download music? Yes

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? No

Did you skip(jumo-rope) a lot as a kid? Sometimes

Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? roly polies and ladybugs

Didn’t you just LOVE art class in elementary school?! I don’t remember having an art class back then lol

Have you ever played dodgeball? Yes, I'm pretty good at dodging but not throwing

What about Red Rover? No

Have you ever played “What time is it mr. wolf?”? It sounds familiar but I don’t remember it

Do you hate your weight? I’m fine with it

Have you ever struggled with a mental illness? yes and still do lol

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? Peanut butter

Have you ever stepped on a snail? yeah, on accident :/

Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Mashed

Do you prefer ankle socks over regular socks? Ankle socks

Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? Sonic the hedgehog lmao

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? I don’t know their middle name oops, I think it’s the same name as my dad though

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? Both

Would you ever go backpacking across any country? Nah, not interested

Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend

Do you like breadsticks? Not really

Do you usually wear shorts around your house all year long? No, my house gets cold a lot

What state were you born in? California

Have you ever had a nose bleed? Never had one

How far away do you live from your birthplace? An hour maybe?

Do you have a weak stomach? yes, I hate it ugh

Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? No

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? No

Have you ever considered becoming a lawyer? Not at all

Do you *really* like donuts? Hell yeah I do!

Do you think Disney World could ever get old? If I went there all the time, then yeah

If you could, would you hookup with the last person you texted? I don’t like hooking up with people :/

What are your favorite things to spend money on? Games, art supplies, clothes

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? Probably not

What do you usually order on a pizza? vegan cheese with veggies on it Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? I don't have one 😭

Who’s the first person with the letter “m” in your contacts? My cousin

Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Puppy!!!!!

How old will you be on your next birthday? 28 😱

What color are your underwear? That’s confidential information lmao

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? All the time, I always have to eat in an area with little to no people. It sucks

#personal #about me #survey

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askanaroace · 6 years

Note

This is dumb but occasionally I will see discourse about how aro/ace ppl don’t belong in lgtbqia+ And it always rattles me? For so long I was confused about who I was and why I didn’t feel the way I was supposed to about sexual partners. It caused me to have relationships and sex with people I didn’t want to. It caused me to be in situations that were dangerous and bad for my emotional and mental health. I still feel wrong. Am I making it up? Is any of that valid enough for aro/ace to be lgtb+?

Please don’t use ableist language here! And never feel like you have to put yourself down. Even if something isn’t important in the grand scheme of things, if it’s important to you, then it’s important.

So I struggle with this a lot too because I’ve become pretty isolated in meatspace. Most of my interaction with other people and pretty much all of my interaction with other queer folk is limited to online. ...Which is pretty much the only place this “discourse” appears.

Just the other day, my lesbian sister and I were talking to someone and he asked some invasive question about dating and my sister looked at me and told him “we’re actually both kinda gay”. My sister’s the one who excitedly said I should come to Pride last year. In HS, my friend group was the queer kids. I was unquestionably welcomed as belonging with them. The Queer Association at my college was run by a small group of people - one of whom was either aroace or ace (I can’t recall exactly) - and there was a small group of us aro/aces there. Everybody was only welcoming and accepting to us.

It is literally only online (or by ignorant straight folk) that I’ve been subject to gatekeeping on the basis of being ace. It didn’t matter to the 35 year old who yelled at 16/17 year old me that “I didn’t belong!!! Unless I was actually gay!!!” that being asexual was my most important identity. It was being asexual that caused me to deny I had any sort of attraction others. It was being asexual that I never had a word for or understanding of. It was being asexual that really defined my experiences. As soon as I learned of the word asexual, I immediately clicked with it - and also identified as panromantic. And being panro was important, yeah, but it wasn’t the part of my ability that had held me back and confused me and made me know that I was different from all of my peers all those years. It was really secondary to my asexuality. It was the part I wanted to really celebrate finding and realizing was a thing. It changed how I interacted with people. It changed the language I let myself use. It changed how I thought about myself. I literally thought of myself as nothing. With no term to call myself, I just thought of myself as having a gaping nothingness.

So, no. You’re not making it up. This is allowed to be important to you! This is allowed to be a big part of you! You’re allowed to feel this way.

Just remind yourself that 1) these exclusionists really only have a voice online, and 2) these exclusionists are just angry and unaccepting of anyone who doesn’t feel the same as them. Not all, but a large majority, of people who attack and go after aro/aces started out saying the same exact bullshit towards bi people and trans people. A lot of them still say the same shit towards bi and trans people. Because they want themselves prioritized. They fear having to expand their mind. They can’t understand how oppression can work on different levels - and they really can’t stand that we won’t let them cry “but we have it worse!!!” because they really only want to be victims, tbh.

But in meatspace, guess who’s usually on the frontlines? Guess who’s usually organizing clubs and alliances and protests and movements? Largely twoc. Largely qwoc. And asexuality/aromanticism hasn’t always had the same language or a platform in the past, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t existed, haven’t co-existed with other queer folk, other lgbtqiap+ people. So of course the people out there creating the movement, doing the legwork, are welcoming to each other. Because they’re not in it to win some oppression olympics. They’re in it to live as they deserve.

So don’t get too wrapped up in this online crap. If you can, you should absolutely look around for a local lgbtqiap+ club/alliance in your area and see what sort of meetings and such you can attend. It can be really affirming to get to go and just be. To get to talk with others like you. To get to talk with others who may not be like you but have been through something similar. Just don’t forget that here online is not all there is.

You are valid.

#ask #ableism #ableist language #coercion #rape #community #discourse #Anonymous

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herotheshiro · 4 years

Text

so in abt 2017-18, i came across this manga called sneaky red by thanat. most of the 1st volume, translated, got posted online but i knew there was a continuation. while i don’t remember too much specifics abt my reaction to it then, i distinctly remember being affected by it and by that i mean ... liking it. i remember that i had the feeling of wanting to read the 2nd volume and even a year ago (almost the date!) on this very blog i noted that i “wanna read all of [their] works so bad” and at this point i had only ever read sneaky red so going off of that, i liked it apparently.

fast forward 2-3 years to tonight, where i finally forced myself to finish reading the series since the free month-long futekiya trial is ending soon. and well ... i thought i would be satisfied afterwards since i’ve wanted to finish reading this series for literal years but all i felt was ... disappointment. i’ve had the futekiya subscription for abt 1/2 a month already but i’ve been putting off reading sneaky red bc i mean i’ve read the 1st volume, i knew it was abt abuse pretty much and i wasn’t really into reading something so depressing (i had to reread the 1st volume in this read bc i legit have not touched the manga since whenever i read it last). and ... yeah it is a downer to read with little positive payoff. [putting under cut bc WOW this got long]

let’s get this straight, my perception of what this author is trying to do is this: two guys meet, one of them (A) has anger/emotion management issues and is quick to react with his fists and the other one (B) just so happens to get off at pain (...no further comment at this) ... which is coincidentally a “nice” set-up but A wants to turn over a new leaf bc eventually he feels bad whaling on B all the time ... except suddenly turning over a new leaf when you’ve been living and thinking a certain way for almost two entire decades is not that easy. which alright tl;dr, an abuser/someone quick to physical violence trying to reform. a rather heavy topic to tackle for your debut work ... and unfortunately i don’t think this author really succeeds in doing so. 1st volume was written in 2013 and is their debut work and it definitely feels like a new author work ... the story developments are kind of unclear at times and misaki (i think that was his name?) just accepting getting beaten up by a rando is just so incredibly sad to read bc like ... wtf? i cannot figure out how they came to love each other. i mean haru i can kind of see bc they kind of implied that misaki was one of the 1st ppl to have hope in him even though he himself felt like he was a lost cause, but misaki i just have no fucking idea what happened there. like lust turning into love? idk man falling in love from physical abuse frankly makes no fucking sense esp since it’s not even implied that misaki has low self-esteem or something that would make him accept this treatment. i legitimately would like to go back in time to meet me from 2-3 years and ask them what the fucking hell made me like this manga bc it’s messed up and the topics aren’t even handled that well! this is truly a manga that somehow depicts abuse as being shitty but also romanticizes it somehow?? even though i legit just read it a few hours ago i’m starting to mix up what happened in vol 1 and 2 so let’s just move on to vol 2 now.

vol 2 was definitely more put together in terms of story progression than vol 1 (i mean, being done 3 yrs later i would hope so). i did like it a bit more than vol 1 and there were some cute scenes bw misaki and haru but ... the scenes where misaki still went to see haru even after some seriously messed up scenes being like ‘i still love you’ ... really rubbed me the wrong way bc it kind of felt like a ‘you can heal abusive behavior through love’. i mean yes haru acknowledged his behavior and treatment of misaki was absolute shit and that he’d try to change, but also that ch where they kind of just substituted bdsm as a more socially acceptable way for haru to hit/hurt misaki during sex? BRO THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS !! i mean there were some scenes that felt realistic (misaki instinctively defending himself when haru raised his hand) but at the same time it also felt like the author didn’t really know what they were doing. like i get it, haru is supposed to be a nice person who just so happens to react badly to things but ... these kinds of things you kind of legit need professional help for. simply learning to depend more on friends/SOs, completely cutting out your toxic fam from your life... that kind of stuff is not really enough to help you heal. i mean this is a japanese manga, and ik east asian culture has ... thoughts on mental health care but the way the story was presented just didn’t feel realistic at all. yes they did show haru struggling to hold his emotions in check, i did like the scenes where haru was in his own head and saw his brother berating him for his behavior, and i do appreciate they didn’t merely just 180 change his personality and pretend it was easy to change for the better but ... idk. i just simply did not enjoy reading this story and about this relationship, i felt like their issues never really got resolved or are moving in a more constructive direction. i mean i guess this happens irl (bc ppl do stay in abusive relationships despite how bad it gets) but like i just had no fucking idea what misaki even saw in haru in the first place which sounds mean to haru but it’s true ?? like you gotta be attracted to SOMETHING first right, is it just bc he’s nice sometimes (this is worrying bc i’m someone who is weak to ppl simply being nice to me but also bruh if someone is beating my ass idk if i can be attracted to that) ?? it legit at times reminded me of bj alex which is an extremely unfortunate comparison in my book and you know what i just remembered that misaki was attracted to haru partly bc of his looks so uh yeah the comparison holds up.

i don’t even know if i can say i’m glad i read through these 2 volumes of sneaky red. apparently a 3rd volume is getting published next month and i’m like WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT ?? i saw a graphic of the side pairing (story covered in motion emotion) on the back cover which i got a lil excited abt bc i am intrigued by that pairing but like ... what else is there to talk abt re: sneaky red’s pairing. they’ve gotten together, they’re growing up and dealing with adult worries (jobs), and they’re moving in a more “positive” direction with their relationship (i.e., haru is opening up more to misaki) while attempting to hurdle the lingering issue of haru’s abuse -- what else is there to cover ... i think this artist really likes this couple which like makes sense for them since they’re their first published OCs but it’s prob just gonna be more senseless writing. the translated caption was like ‘the sequel of the famous debut work is here!’ and i’m like sneaky red is popular? this very unclearly written thing? but then again ppl liked k!lling st@alking and some of harada’s works that are OUT THERE are popular so i guess the fetish for abuse/hurt is strong ...

i didn’t really say anything coherent in this post bc deadass i don’t even remember what the fuck i read even though i read this manga like mere hrs ago which goes to show how much of an impact the story had on me (hint none). abuser stories are usually pretty hit or miss stories i feel, although tbh i don’t think i’ve ever read a hit story because the abuse is usually romanticized or somehow resolved without any issue which is frankly unrealistic and kind of dangerous to be telling people. i admit i don’t have personal experience with abuse (thankfully) so i guess i can’t really say stuff abt how realistic it is or not but ... just very disappointed with the story. i am still struggling to figure out what i liked abt this manga so much back then. i do like the art style a lot bc it’s unique compared to what you see in other BLs but the author’s writing is just very unclear sometimes ... it’s definitely improved since 2013 but ... hah. it was not really an enjoyable read. i legit wanted to stop reading at times but i’ve wanted to finish it for so long so i pushed on ... maybe i should reread so i can more definitively say what exactly i disliked but i don’t wanna read this again.

#sometimes i look at how long my posts are and i'm like there are ppl out there who READ all of this?#like i mean I'M forced to as the writer but ... far too many words. but i got a lot of things to say sometimes even though i'm prob repeatin #i used to tag the author but ik they have a tumblr and idk if i want them to see my posts bashing them lol #esp since i don't say anything constructive #i mean... i didn't censor their name though. yike #reading

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kindiekritz · 7 years

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all for the gay ask memes, yo. :D

Hey anon! Thanks for requesting this!

It’s a bit of a long post, but I’ll see if i can figure out how to add a ‘read more’ to this ask later!!

1. describe your idea of a perfect date

I’ve never actually gone on a date before, so I have no experience, but I always thought that a dinner date followed by a movie or nexflix. Bonus points if it’s an animated movie!

2. whats your “type”

Before all else I’d like to date someone kind, someone who would look past my many flaws and still accept me despite of them. Maybe someone with a great sense of humor and someone who knows when to laugh at themself.

And they’d need to show passion and enthusiasm for life!! I recently started developing a crush on a gal, but to be quite honest now that the infatuation is wearing off, she’s kind of a drag? Like there’s no sense of excitement or happiness in her messages, maybe she just doesn’t like me and she’s intentionally being dry to make me feel bored and to make me leave or something, but if that was the case then it worked. I don’t like people who dismiss and blow off people in that sort of manner either, because you are not worth more or less then the average person next to you.

3. do you want kids?

I used to think that I didn’t, but maybe in 15 years or so, if I am married and i have a stable lifestyle and home, I’d like to have children i think.

I was raised by a single mother most of my childhood, and while my mom did the best she could, it was still painful not having a second parent to rely on, or to simply have as both parents as role models for a functional family. I’d need to have a willing partner who I am very much in tune with in order to raise children, I don’t want them to go through the same pain of divorce or the pain of having a broken family.

And having monetary and home stability are even more important, i also grew up in a lower-middle class family that sometimes had to use food stamps to get by, and my mom and i moved over 15 times by the time I was 15 years old. I really want to be able to provide a safe and stable home for children if I decide to have any in the future.

4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth?

Adoption and pregnancy are my two main choices I suppose?

I mean traditionally women are supposed to want to get pregnant and go through the pregnancy process, it’s a natural want and desire after all, and I am no different. But due to health issues I fear that if I choose the pregnancy route it would just be a selfish choice to simply satisfy a want I have, without thinking about the health of both myself and the hypothetical baby. However I don’t want to cross off the idea all the way through, and perhaps science and technology will develop enough by that time to allow me to safely carry a child to term.

Adoption is my second choice, and overall it might be the best. However currently there are many blockades regarding same sex couples adopting, and that might be an issue. And many children who come out of the system unfortunately have suffered trauma and abuse, many of which requires extensive knowledge and experience that parents need to have beforehand caring for a child who has those mental burdens. And unfortunately I may not be the best candidate for caring for a child who needs extensive care like that due to my own mental illnesses.

5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been on

I’ve never been on a date unfortunately :(

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)

I’ve never gotten the succ :’(

7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?

I kid you not, it’s literally 4:20 in the morning as I write this rn. Definitely night time gay

8. opinion on nap dates?

They’re great, would actually love to go on one some day :’)

9. opinion on brown eyes?

Brown eyes are so cute?? But not mine tho, mine are p drab.

10. dog gay or cat gay?

Definitely a dog gay, but I’d love to own a cat someday tbhh

11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?

yES!! I’ve always wanted a pet rat and like bearded dragons and leopard geckos are absolutely adorable

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone

If someone is judgmental without good reason is a really big turn off, and someone who has no mark of individuality is something that really bugs the hell out of me.

13. what is a misconception you had about lgb people before you realized you were one?

I never really had any misconceptions really?? Probably just that i thought it was not as common as it actually is tbh.

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger self

“hey kids, i know youre struggling right now but im here to tell you, everything gets worse forever”- Twitter user Wolf pupy

15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?

I want a guy who will beat the shit out of my enemies, but I want a woman who will beat the shit out of me ;)

(not in an abusive sort of way, abuse is not cool kids)

16. who is an ex you regret?

I’ve never dated, so I don’t have an ex, but I regret every single crush I’ve ever had in the history of ever bc they turn out to be p mean ppl.

17. night club gay or cafe gay?

Night clubs are too loud and bright and shit??? I don’t like them and they smell gross?? I prefer cafés

18. who is one person you would “go straight” for

I’d go straight for many guys, I am still bisexual after all and boys are v cute

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?

pls,,, definitely video game gay there is no doubt about it

20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)

Lapidot is a very sweet ship that makes me rlly happy tbh

21. favourite gay youtuber

Idk, I wouldn’t really watch a YouTuber just bc they’re gay, and nobody really comes to mind

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?

I’ve never asked anyone out in the history of ever, so no

23. have you ever been in love?

I’m not sure how being in love is supposed to be like, I wouldn’t know how to respond to this question honestly

24. have you ever been heartbroken?

Yes, definitely. Ppl are not v nice

25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someone

Basically it’s just like “can i imagine myself doing cute domestic shit with this person??”

26. favourite lgb musician/band

Idk?? The most popular music by lgb musicians isn’t really my taste, but I usually just stick to the ppl I already know

27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gays

Be kinder to yourself and don’t belittle your accomplishments, you’re stronger then you know.

28. are you out? if so how did you come out

I am mostly out! I have to come out to a couple of friends from school but really mostly everyone knows

29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have

I came out to my mom around 2-3 in the morning, and unfortunately I found out the next day that the Pulse Club shooting was taking place at the same time I was coming out. It definitely made my mom recoil and made her less accepting of my identity at the time.

30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexuality

Don’t feel pressured to come out because you feel it’s mandatory, because it’s not. If it can affect your life in a negative way then please, do not do it. Wait until you are in a safer situation and you have a backup plan set up.

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